Сентябрь 1878 года

September 1st. New church year. The saints acquired purity of heart through abstinence, vigil, prayer and humility. And you imitate them if you want to acquire purity of heart with all your heart. I thank the Lord for the high spiritual pleasure from reading the liturgical canon and singing the stichera scheduled for September 1st. I thank the Lord for saving my soul from sins during Matins and after it, when I grumbled against the archpriest and our priests for withholding income and for doing little work at the parish. Like an evil bee, the devil’s malice stung me in my heart, and I felt extreme sorrow and tightness with a burning sensation. Having deeply repented to God, I received salvation, peace, and freedom. After mass and vespers. By God’s grace, I served the liturgy successfully and with boldness, received life-giving communion, feeling in my breasts the living God who miraculously revived me. The gymnasium is doing well in the first and eighth grades. Having eaten and drank after mass at Volkova’s, I thereby greatly weakened my heart and soul, which was so pure, delicate, peaceful, and blessed after the liturgy and communion of the Holy Mysteries. There is no need to eat or drink after mass, except tea. 2. Woe to me from my sweets, from my delicacies: the enemy overcomes me because of them, burns me with sweets, arouses anger and indignation against the rector when he comes to church while I am serving Matins, as today. Only by the grace of God did I defeat anger at the end of the canon, but in the first hour, while saying the prayer to Christ, the True Light, it overcame me again, I could not overcome the enmity that arose towards the abbot, and then I said to myself that the fiercest demon was given to him and sits in him. And in this he sinned, blaming his leprosy on him. Excessive sweet tea is harmful to piety: it fuels lust. 3. Resurrection. I thank You, Lord, my God, for you girded me, weak, with strength after the Gospel at the Liturgy yesterday, September 2, and especially after communion of the Holy Mysteries, in whose image you miraculously revived me; I thank you for granting a great victory over the spirit of malice that tempted me after communion with women (against the feeble-minded Theoctis, always red). God! I thank You, for You cleansed my inner lustful tendencies in my repentance. Keep me pure until the end of my days, Lord! I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the oppression and death of the heart that befell me for my ill will towards the German Emperor Wilhelm when reading the newspaper news of his recovery. September 4. I thank the Lord for the miracles of His mercy, good obedience, quick obedience, kindness and goodness and all-powerful help before the wedding and during and after the wedding of Grigory Stepanovich Sevaskevich in the Technical Church of St. Nicholas the Wonderworker. As usual, the disembodied enemy mortally breathed into my soul, bringing into it fear, fear, shame, disgrace, and oppression, but I fell with faith and hope in repentance to the throne of grace, and all the machinations of the enemy were destroyed - I was revived, pacified, spread into my heart by the grace of Christ, consoled, strengthened, rejoiced, became trustworthy and crowned the wedding with great boldness. Again the enemy was powerful (according to the reading of the Marriage Gospel), and again he was defeated repeatedly. I thank the Lord for delivering me from my internal hostility towards my fellow priest Peter Al. Klepachevsky during Matins; I repented in the depths of my soul, and the Lord had mercy on me. Oh, may sin not nest in me in any form, may I be clean from all sin, Lord, as Your image. September 5. I thank the Lord, who in His name accomplished in me the greatest victory, the greatest deliverance from the machinations of hellish invisible enemies, who embarrassed me when reading the oath to the jurors in the District Court and fiercely offended me for about ten minutes. I repented, prayed, earnestly called on the name of the Lord, and He sovereignly and sweetly delivered me, giving me peace and space. During Vespers, the Lord repeatedly saved me from the spirit of hostility towards my comrade Father Peter Klepachevsky and 154 imitation of him; The Lord especially showed a wondrous salvation in me from the repeated hostility towards Father Peter in Coralie’s house, apartment No. 1, before the prayer service. Oh, how sweet was the Lord’s salvation from distress and sorrow! I joyfully thanked the Lord for a long time. Finally, the Lord mercifully saved me from the prodigal inclination of my heart in the apartment of the priest of the Peter Preobrazhensky Technical School at the sight of a pleasant outside girl, for repentance and diligent invocation of His name. God bless! May I hate all-flattering, deadly sin, and may I love virtue. I thank You, Lord, for you have mercifully listened to me, Your worm, been patient with me, pampered me, saved me, cleansed me, sanctified me, enlightened me, fragrant me with the holiness of the Spirit, affirmed me, enlightened me (that is, you make me aware of the charm, destruction, absurdity, abomination of sin and the truth, beauty, benefit and saving virtue, truth, truth, goodness, omnipotence, wisdom and omnipresence of God, etc.) 6. I sinned before God, before people and before myself, by drinking a lot of wine while visiting Captain-Lieutenant Yakov Apollonovich Hildebrandt on the evening of this day. The next day it was not good: the life and strength of the heart became impoverished, and while singing a prayer service with the peasant Rudakov on the words of the Gospel and other sheep, the imam, who are not of this court [John 10:16]... several times strengthened himself in order to speak out, the enemy stammered. But then everything is fine. What are our newspapers? - Sorrowful sheet: they contain lamentations of pity and grief, sometimes obvious, sometimes secret intrigues of powers against one another, sometimes wars, sometimes disturbances, sometimes fires, sometimes murders, terrible wrecks on land and at sea, sometimes suicides, and moreover, frequent ones, due to sometimes insignificant reasons, because of unsatisfied passion or because of poverty and persecution, etc., sometimes infectious diseases, sometimes terrible, destroying hunger tens of thousands of people, either destructive floods, or terrible death from accidents, and so on and so forth. Woe to those who live on earth. Due to excessive consumption of food at lunch (meat, cabbage soup, roast) and tea in the evening (with rolls) and because they are unnecessary for the body, all last night I tossed and turned from severe itching and from spoilage of juices and blood. Abstinence and fasting, if you want restful sleep, and hard work. The fright also had an effect (the servants quietly approached in the evening). September 8th. I thank the Lord for delivering me through the prayer of repentance from inner death and, moreover, not just once, but repeatedly due to my frequent falls into death during early mass: so I am weak and sinful, a great sinner, being an idolater in the heavenly, highest faith of Christ! Do not be idolaters either, it is said, like some of them, about whom it is written: the people sat down to eat and drink, and stood up to play [1.10:7]. I thank the Lord for reviving me with the most pure, most heavenly, life-giving Mysteries upon partaking of them. Oh, Lord! Is it not in death that Thy Divine life is most cognized by those who exist? Just as the holy Apostle Paul says: For we who are alive are continually being given over to death for the sake of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our mortal flesh [2.4:11]. I thank the Lord, who allowed me to triumph through faith and fervent prayer at the prayer service with Mr. Schauman in the house of Grigoriev’s company. There was the director of the Technical School Zeleny, headman Nikitin, Grigoriev, Mendel and other military and secular people. Ten o'clock in the evening. I thank the Lord, who quickly listened to me when I was in cramped and spiritual distress, which began in the church during the all-night vigil, lasting for half an hour, when I walked from the church and came to the apartment of a pious widow and was with her - when I prayed intensely, the Lord saved me soon, and His salvation was sweet, most peaceful. I was jealous that the junior priest, a student at the Academy, was suddenly given many lessons in the women's gymnasium (twelve lessons a week) while remaining in the preparatory class of the men's gymnasium (four lessons). September 9th. Yesterday I sinned - I ate a modest meal (except for meat, butter and cheese) at the photographer Schauman's after the prayer service (blancmange), drank wine, champagne by the way, and in the evening, in another place, I again ate fruits and drank wine, and yesterday was Friday. What happened? Today my flesh is raging with fornication, yesterday's sweets have gathered in my loins and are bothering me. But grant me, Lord, the grace to trample on sweets and continue to fast. Holy Lady Theotokos! Have mercy on me, who have sinned against You. Yesterday the guests, including me, took portraits of Schauman. After noon at four o'clock. I saw salvation many times in Your name, Lord, when I was in the gymnasium and outside it, when I was oppressed by invisible enemies out of jealousy because the younger priest Klepachevsky took many lessons in the women's gymnasium, and did not leave the men's preparatory class. I learned the vanity of my jealousy, found it enough to study in seven classes and prayed to do my job well, with zeal - enough work here too. 10. I thank the Lord, who surprised me with His inexpressible mercy and gave me, the greatest sinner, the grace of tearful tenderness during the celebration of the late liturgy in the Duma Assumption Church, who revived me with His Holy Mysteries and granted me the ability to boldly pronounce the word on the text “God so loved the world, as He gave His only begotten Son to eat” [ John 3:16–21 ] Archbishop Gregory of Kazan 155 . 11. Monday. Morning. I thank the Lord, who saved me more than once from the lustful inclination that acted when I looked immodestly at a girl’s breasts; For the prayer of immediate repentance, the Lord delivered me in His great mercy, saving me from voluptuous corruption. Let me remember that every Christian must be a temple of the Holy Spirit and a member of Christ, a member of the Holy Immaculate Church of God, and may he protect himself and others in holiness. Morning. Ten hours and a quarter. I thank the Lord, who surprised me with His salvation at this hour through the prayer of my repentance for the sin of unrighteous jealousy against the abbot, who allegedly excludes his brethren from memorial services and funeral services for the dead. I am sufficient because of the abundance that you have given me, O Lord! God! I thank You, for You have abundantly returned to me the debts of my debtors of a hundred and fifty or less rubles. Oh, the wondrous truth of God! Oh, the bounties of God! Alas! I am an acquisitive person, for I accept free money, clothes, and even fruits and delicious baked food from well-wishers! Alas for me, a sinner! Although I give alms to the poor every day, I also receive reward from God for that. Do not judge me, Lord, for this and grant me to increase my alms to my own people and to strangers. (We need to send a sexton to Fidelina, Malkin, Filipp Vasilyevich Danilov.) I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the greatest melancholy, cramped conditions and sorrow at about eleven o’clock in the afternoon in Lasky’s house on Saydashnaya Street. I fervently prayed to the Lord before the prayer service and received the greatest salvation, which made me happy. Glory to Thee, our many-merciful, all-good, benevolent, quick-to-obey, gracious and benevolent God! In the evening after dinner, as a result of fish food (fried whitefish) and meat cabbage soup with cabbage, the demon of fornication approached me very strongly, kindled lust in me, and I saved myself from him many times through repentance and prayer, and the Most Merciful saved me. I, sanctified by the grace of the Holy Spirit, performer of the Holy Mysteries of the Body and Blood of Christ and other holy Mysteries, may I cherish this shrine and live holy, righteously and may I diligently sanctify the people of God. Let all uncleanness flee from me; let it disgust me. The position of a priest, a reconciler of people with God, a sanctifier, a teacher, a leader to eternal life, is extremely great. 12. O beauty of piety! O sweetness of piety, eternal sweetness, may I never exchange you for the beauty and sweetness of the flesh and the temporary, fading world. Nine o'clock in the evening. I thank the Lord, who three times delivered me from fornication through my prayer of repentance, through self-condemnation and self-accusation. What peace, what freedom, what lightness of the right spirit, justified by the grace of Christ! Doesn’t Vladimir Mikhailovich have my book of interpretation of Chrysostom on the Gospel of Matthew? 13. Morning. I thank You, Lord, for You had mercy on me even at night, when I awoke and passionate thoughts and feelings confused me. I cried out to You in repentance, and You heard me, alert and awake, and delivered me from them. For the sake of Thy Kingdom in me, grant me, O Lord, not to eat meat, for it makes my heart extremely hard. I thank the Lord, who again saved me from the lustful inclination in my heart and pacified my soul, confused and mortified by the sin of inclination. Eleven o'clock in the afternoon. After the all-night vigil. Sexton Nikitin was drunk and deliberately did not come to the all-night vigil; The embarrassment is quite severe. I thank the Lord, who has delivered me many times through the prayer of repentance, many times during the all-night vigil who has given me peace instead of confusion, space instead of crowding, courage instead of fear, silence and the truth of God instead of passions. The hired sexton Nikitin, despite my request to come on time for the all-night vigil in the Assumption Church in the morning, did not come to her at all out of whim and because of his drunkenness. Never take it to serve with you. May he be a stranger to me. 14. Today I suffered many temptations from the adversary because of my sins, especially because of gluttony: firstly, the enemy deposed me while speaking litanies and exclamations, dismissing me while carrying out the deceased, the son of the inspector; secondly, in the church, before the proskomedia, the enemy pressed me mercilessly, but the Lord delivered me through my prayer; during the performance of the proskomedia, he made me passionate, earthly, greedy for small prosphyras, when I should have been all heavenly, premium. Almost the entire mass I was extremely restless, agitated due to a bodily addiction to earthly things, I felt like a demon of worldly addiction wrapped itself around my ribs, doing dirty tricks in my heart, goring, tormenting, stinging me, confusing and oppressing me, but many times the Lord saved me, the repentant one. In communion, I, dead, was miraculously revived by the most pure Blood of the Lord. At the great entrance, the enemy deposed me, killed my spirit - I did not pronounce the names of the royal family, I was put to shame. The sermon of the Most Reverend Gregory 156 was delivered with animation, and he read the prayer behind the pulpit without hesitation by the enemy. I thank the Lord, who has saved me many times today from the prodigal thorn that mortally stung me, the multi-passionate, voluptuous one. I repented, prayed for mercy, and soon received the mercy of my Lord and Savior and Judge. The priest must be imbued with a sincere desire for the salvation of his soul and all his flock, all people. This desire should be, so to speak, his daily food. His womb must be the womb of Christ, filled with the most selfless love for everyone. With good means of living, he must put aside all worldly cares. September 15. Yesterday I was in hell or in the semblance of hell: I was with a demoniac - what horror, what torment, foul language, blasphemy, what writhing! What beats! Impacts, bloodstains! After early mass. Again today I am in great confusion during the proskomedia, and indeed the liturgy in general, about the very small prosphyras delivered to the proskomedia for service; again indignation, hostility, envy of the prosphora maker, who makes a lot of profit from the prosphora. I would need to be completely imbued with the Holy Spirit, a man of heaven, wise on high, despising the flesh and the world, not caring for earthly bread, but for true, heavenly bread, but I was imbued with the spirit of the world, the spirit of worldly passions: greed, envy, hostility towards my neighbor, I was a man of the earth, demonic, not having the spirit of heaven, the spirit of piety, peace, meekness, humility, tenderness, gentleness, the spirit of salvation, tenderness, contentment. How the ethereal enemy has perverted and perverts everything in our life and service incessantly, turning everything upside down in our hearts! How necessary it is for us to crucify the flesh with its passions and lusts! But I thank the Lord, who has repeatedly saved me from the machinations of the enemy during the liturgy and made me worthy to partake of His life-giving, most pure and life-giving Mysteries. I thank the Lord, who saved me with the greatest salvation in the gymnasium (in the eighth grade upon entering it) by His name, with faith infused in my heart. For a whole hour I was tormented by the enemy and hostility towards my co-teacher Udaltsov for his lack of attention to me, failure to observe the everyday decency of greeting. I thank the Lord, who saved me with the great salvation of the house before vespers from the fornication in my heart, which cruelly oppressed me. I thank him now who saved me at this eleventh hour in the evening. 16. I thank the Lord, who began to have mercy on me, repenting and praying to Him from early morning in church during Matins, in the apartment of the birthday girl Evfemia in Strebulaeva’s house at eight o’clock in the morning (regarding the embarrassment from the fraternal money of the silver ruble taken as a lining); in my apartment - regarding the creeping of the unclean; soon, soon the Lord always hears me when I repent to Him in the depths of my soul and sincerely, and soon, soon revives me, often killed by sin. I praise the Lord, who delivered me from the corruption of passions and keeps me incorruptible. Oh, how merciful this is, how dear, how joyful and trustworthy in future! In a dream today (September 16), I saw a spiritual serpent with a very long, sharp, protruding sting, with which he, sitting somewhere inside, sought to sting me, but by the grace of God I was far from him, and he did not reach me, although he launched it with the speed of lightning. Deliver me, Lord, from his strangling sting, and deliver every person. Father Pavel Trachevsky, being the next one, did not go to the service when he was called, but sent a man to me so that I would go and give communion to the sick woman in the parish care house. But if they had called him to other places, more profitable ones, he would have gone immediately, as he always does. He is rarely called to the services, and despite all this, he avoids them, but receives almost twice as much as me. Father Klepachevsky, a junior priest, also doesn’t go to services much, receiving the same amount as me. Where is the justice? Such a circumstance cannot be justified and bear each other’s burdens by saying [Gal. 6:2], because they do not bear my or anyone else’s burden. So what? Wouldn't it be fair for priests to receive each according to their labors, and not according to their ranks? Otherwise, some eat bread by the sweat of their brow, while others sleep and rest until nine and ten o’clock in the morning. (To cope in St. Petersburg, as priests do with income received not from parishioners, but outside the parish, only through an acquaintance invited by persons from another parish.) Excesses from demands not in the parish (from sailors) should be given to the poor in fulfillment of the words of the Apostle: only so that we remember the poor [Gal.2:10]. What is especially offensive to the rector and priests of the cathedrals is that they do not take part in parish care. Judge them, O God! May they not spend half their days for impiety, hard-heartedness and unmercifulness! Amen! Wake up! Let others arise, truly merciful! 17. I least of all need food and drink due to my years and lifestyle, and yet I am stuffed with food and drink everywhere. No, I must have character, self-control and not submit to everyone’s bodily demands. I must please God and not men, for I keep the Holy Spirit living in me. Sunday 17 September. I thank the Lord, who has given me the grace to zealously perform Matins and early mass and give a brief lesson on my work. He experienced a strong attack of the spirit of malice in relation to Paraskeva Ilyinichna Andreeva for her sybaritism 157 and failure to give alms to the guardianship of the poor, but he overcame the insane malice by the grace of Christ. God bless! Received life-giving communion. During the prayer service for the blessing of water in the church, the enemy pressed and confused me, but was repulsed by the power of Christ in me. I spent the whole day safely. He served with great boldness. September 18. Monday. During Matins, the Lord twice performed in me the miracle of His mercy and His revival. I clearly felt how the streams of ever-present life of the Holy Spirit poured into my heart and drove out death and torment, brought into my soul by the malice and deceit of the devil, and I was greatly comforted by the speedy deliverance of the Lord. During the liturgy, the Lord also conquered in me with His mercy many of my sins and helped me to rise above the devil’s malice. I received Holy Communion life-givingly, to joy. God bless! May the streams of Divine life always flow within me! I always give myself up to death, and the life of Jesus will appear in my dead flesh [2.4:11]. God! Remember, by Thy mercy, Thy demonized servant John (Andreev) and deliver him from bitter and fierce demons for the sake of Thy name. Wake up! 20. Wednesday. I thank the Lord, who delivered me during Matins from a murderous hostility towards the rector through the prayer of repentance, and during mass from the murderous attack of the enemy regarding the extremely small prosphyras for the laity, made by the prosphyra maker Yaroslavtseva. This misfortune befell me with dignity and righteousness because of yesterday’s gluttony and satiety, with which I greatly burdened myself and surrendered to the body, lacking the spirit (in the evening I ate a little twice in the evening [and at night], I ate roast meat). That is why the enemy overcame me through the womb: he entered my heart and womb and tore me away from God. I could not lift up my heart to grief during the celebration of the Sacrament. He proclaimed: Woe is our hearts, and he himself was the first to crawl with his heart on the earth, clinging to earthly things and thereby becoming possessed by the devil, who deceived Eve the foremother through intemperance and eating the forbidden fruit. Oh, how necessary is abstinence, especially for a priest performing the heavenly Mysteries! During the liturgy, the priest must be completely detached from the world and be entirely in God, like the Psalmist who says: What have I in heaven? and what did You want on earth? My heart and my flesh are gone, O God of my heart, and my portion, O God, forever [Ps. 72:25–26]. These are the feelings a priest should have during the liturgy and especially during the celebration of the Sacrament of the Body and Blood of Christ, upon completion and during communion! He must be outside the world or in the world, but alien to the world, above it. A sinner is his own fierce enemy - why should I still be angry with him, even though he is at enmity with me and does evil or lives abnormally and causes harm to himself and others? We must feel sorry for him, we must sincerely pray for him so that he will improve. A beautiful, spiritually delightful dream, the singing of the Cherubic song by singers and warriors returning from somewhere to the church; I walked among them and sang along; I thanked them, and they said: we thank you. (Yesterday I saw off Procopius and his wife Paraskeva Ivanovna.) 22. How much anxiety, excitement, and anguish I had yesterday over the rector’s sending me an order to draw up a new inventory of church property!! I could hardly write to the archpriest with a trembling hand a paper about providing me with the necessary benefits for this matter. What cowardice! What a disgust for painstaking work! I thank the Lord, who deigned me to celebrate the early Divine Liturgy, who revived me with the Divine Mysteries and who destroyed me through the treachery of my ethereal enemies. (I remembered my good silk white scarf, bought for three rubles, and at that very moment, at that very moment, I grew cold towards God and towards my neighbors - what poison are earthly addictions for the soul! And only after sincere self-condemnation and repentance was I revived again by God’s grace.) You, priest, to whom the Lord Himself gives Himself as an asset during the Liturgy, do not allow your heart to cleave to any earthly property or treasure, lest you thereby offend your Lord, to Whom alone the human heart should cleave. 23. I repent, my Lord, Lord! Have mercy. Yesterday I acted badly, against Christ my God: I broke my fast by eating quick soup, potatoes with quick butter, herring with quick butter, then in the evening at Grechukhina’s I ate salted sprats with Provençal butter and blackcurrant jam with tea beyond my needs; At home I ate enough grapes and pears. I have sinned, I have sinned by breaking my fast and by overeating, delicacy, and carnal sensuality! Have mercy on me, God, have mercy on me! My ephemeral flesh is the enemy of my soul, which exists in the image of God, for it bends it to various passions that defile it and remove it from God. Therefore, we must despise the flesh, as the saints did, and exercise it in constant labor, discarding all laziness, which gives rise to all vices. I thank the Lord, who strengthened me to sincerely read the following spell in the hospital over the possessed Ivan Andreev. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from my anger and bitterness and their consequences for the inattentive, absent-minded, careless servant Anna, whom I despised and scolded for the bad fire of the stove. It was hard, cramped, sorrowful for me, but the prayer (repeated) of heartfelt repentance bowed to the Lord’s mercy, and I was saved from cramped conditions, sorrow, and misfortune. To characterize our rector, Father Pavel Trachevsky, Mr. Leder the official told me that Father Pavel received him rudely, reproached me that I only go to the rich to correct the services, and not to the poor (although all the records show that I perform the services of poor people more than anyone else), went to baptize extremely reluctantly, baptized the child in five minutes and with a prayer to the mother in labor and naming the name, although the child was not very dangerous. Very great contentment has spoiled him: he has despised all the poor for a long time. May the Lord enlighten him, may he grant him the memory of death and that everything earthly is insignificant and passes away like a shadow. Woe if there is an abomination of desolation in the holy place. But the good thing about him is that he is an imperturbable stoic. I thank the Lord for warming me, cold, with the grace of the Holy Spirit during the all-night vigil and giving me the grace of deep tenderness. I thank the Lord, who through my faith and repentance crushed in me the treachery of the ethereal enemy, who sought and is constantly seeking to devour me, for when I secretly became upset at one lieutenant who did not respond to my incense bow, and, having fallen from love, crawled into spiritual death and in deep repentance asked for mercy and forgiveness from the Lord before the reading of the Gospel at the all-night vigil, I immediately received the gift sweet deliverance. Then, before leaving in the first hour, the Lord also sent me much deliverance. Increase the talents given by the Lord, so that, having strengthened His gifts with your own work, you will enter into His joy, otherwise the enemy of God and man will increase in you his various disastrous fruits, passions and vices, since our soul cannot be completely idle: either good or evil is imprinted in it, grows and acts. It is a natural, righteous and blessed thing to increase talents, that is, to zealously practice their virtues for each one according to his strength, in his own circle, more or less close or wide and spacious. Our strengths - mind, heart, good will - require corresponding activity, and a person becomes extremely painful and bored when these active forces are idle. Then, due to the evil operating in us, the soul often leans in the opposite direction, that is, it begins to practice itself in deeds that are contrary to God, in sinful, carnal, vicious deeds, such as drunkenness, gambling, and others, and evil begins to grow and intensify, so that finally a person finds himself in the complete, painful power of the devil. And it is fair: if we voluntarily did not want to serve the Lord, Whose service is natural, worthy and righteous and good, and stubbornly moved away from this blessed work, then let a person experience in practice what it is like to serve the devil, whose service is unnatural, unworthy of a rational being created in the image of God, insane, absurd, and disastrous. Let sin tyrannize him, for example, a drunkard with his drunkenness, an adulterer with his adultery, a gambler with his cards, a proud man with his absurd pride, let an envious person be tormented by his envy, and with every sin to which he has indulged or is indulged. For, in fact, it is necessary for the worker to taste the fruit of his deeds, the good from the good, the evil from the evil, or the vicious from his vicious deeds. Everything in the world is arranged in such a way that every person reaps what he sows: he sows deeds of truth, peace, love, prosperity and will reap peace, contentment, good glory; otherwise - languor, dissatisfaction with oneself and everyone around, a bad name, a curse. 24. I sinned before the Lord - I complained about the brethren, or, more correctly, about the abbot, that he did not go to the poor, especially sailors, inspectors for prayer services and baptisms, or sometimes did not write down the required money, but that I had to go almost alone to all the poor. So what? This is happiness, bliss, for through this I fulfill the commandment of Christ: whoever wants to be great among you, that is, in the Kingdom of Heaven, must be a servant of all, a servant of all [Matthew 23:11]. And so the Lord gave me to be a servant of the brethren - the priests and clergy, and parishioners and strangers, and a servant of the poor; May I not, through recklessness, deprive myself of a reward from God, may I not deprive myself of the world through grumbling, displeasure, and envy. Have mercy on me, Lord, have mercy on me! Forgive me for passing by the poor without giving them Your alms, for everything is Yours. Teach me your justification 158, O Lord! All sins and passions still find their echo in me, which means they are akin to my old man, when I need to hate them and have nothing in common with them. What happens during the liturgy amazes all angelic minds with its greatness, goodness, wisdom, infinite power, infinite truth, that is, the mystery of the incarnation, the life on earth of the Lord of glory, teaching, miracles, suffering, death and resurrection of Him - the transubstantiation of bread and wine into the true Body and Blood of the Lord Himself and the communion of them by believers. But we, for whom this sacrament is performed, are often indifferent or passionate towards the flesh, towards our lusts, passionate towards a world that lies in evil! Alas! We sinned, Lord, by being angry and angry with the servant Anna for her small offense. God! Grant me love, forbearance, patience, take away forever, forever, absurd, destructive anger. You are love, and whoever loves his neighbor, forgives, is forgiving, and endures, he abides in God [1.4:8–16]. Away with the absurd addiction to perishable things, for because of it all our anger is towards our neighbors. 24. Evening. Before mass, the devil caught me on a trifle - the fact that the servant Anna had swept rubbish into her galoshes, and I became embittered at her for that in my soul at the suggestion of the enemy; For this malice, the enemy stung and oppressed me so much that I rushed about like mad, repented and prayed, asking God for mercy and deliverance; At first the prayer was not sincere - hostility towards the careless servants nested at the bottom of my heart, and when I deeply condemned myself in hostility, in my madness and fell already in church to the holy throne, then the Lord had mercy on me, giving me sweet peace. I thank the Lord, who did not allow me to be consumed by demons. Then, during mass, I was extremely killed by the enemy in my heart because of the excess money given to me by the old woman Catherine for remembrance (ninety kopecks), which I had kept for distribution to the poor; I again fell firmly to the holy altar in the chapel of Saints Peter and Paul, and again the Lord gave me peace and deliverance. Received life-giving communion. The church was all simple people. There were no nobles, merchants, or scientists. Surprisingly, the church is a house of prayer only for the simple. Where is the sage? where is the scribe? where is the questioner of this century? Has not God turned the wisdom of this world into madness? [1.1:20]. During the baptism of a baby at the customs, I allowed an unworthy thought about women into my heart, and almost during the entire time of prayer and sacred rites it tormented me like hellish poison: as soon as I vomited it out through repentance and the name of the Lord, introduced into my heart and carried around in it with living faith and hope. How subtly the enemy attacks and fights with us! We must be awake every minute, for every minute his nets are laid out to catch us. September 25. I thank You, Lord, who, through the prayer of repentance, delivered me from hostility towards sexton Zrelov for smoking tobacco with Deacon Poletaev in the outer doors leading to the altar; when I spoke Chrysostom’s discourse yesterday at mass, my sense of smell was suddenly struck by the stench of tobacco; I thought that someone impudent in the church had lit a cigarette. I didn’t know who smoked, but today the deacon admitted that he and Zrelov smoked. I thank the Lord, who, through the prayer of repentance, delivered me from anger and hostility towards my wife for her pickiness towards me and the servants, that my boots squeak, and the servants do not close the doors tightly, and so on. 25. After classes and, of course, after mass. I thank the Lord for the great mercies upon me, for deliverance from the gravest wiles of the devil to which I was subjected due to my sins: firstly, for not giving real alms to the poor (I gave little), secondly, for some kind of anger towards the sexton, contempt and envy (for his fashionable warm coat; now, I think, I have become fat, rich and exhausted from extortions, for personal demands). This is at the beginning before mass. I begged the Lord with a prayer of repentance, and the All-Merciful One forgave my sins, took away anger, pride, envy, despondency, oppression, sorrow, death of the heart and gave peace, space, kindness, meekness, freedom. During mass, especially before the great entrance, the enemy greatly embarrassed and oppressed me when I took out parts from the multitude of prosphoras and, by the grace of God, overcame him; at the great entrance he loudly said all the names of the royal persons; then, before communion, the enemy pressed me with the thought that I had added fifteen kopecks for wine to communion from brotherly money. And grace again defeated the enemy, he jumped back. And I came out in the end a complete winner. God bless! I really wanted to sleep in the gymnasium. When I look into my soul and heart impartially, then how much evil, wickedness, pride, willfulness, stubbornness, vanity, envy, insolence, laziness, negligence, greed, gluttony, greed, fornication of all kinds I see in it! O man! Why have you not yet cleansed yourself from all filthiness of the flesh and spirit? September 26. I thank You, Most Merciful, for You have repeatedly delivered me from the fierce oppression of the enemy during the Liturgy and especially after the Liturgy regarding my hostility towards the abbot, which You, Master, took away entirely for my repentance and falling to the throne of Your mercy and gave me love and peace, destroying the machinations of the enemy that were obvious in me. He received Holy Communion in a life-giving way. Now I have again fallen into cramped conditions and grief for being upset that my child Lisa (six years old) went to the potty in my bedroom to relieve herself. Why in my bedroom and not in your own? I sinned before God through impatience, carnality, grief, and falling away from love. It would not hurt to darken my passionate flesh somewhat with a stench for my love of incense and effeminacy from it. Forgive me, Lord! I thank the Lord, who solemnly and graciously destroyed death in me. 26 and 27. I thank You with a triumphant heart, for yesterday and today You have repeatedly shown me in the power of Your Divine fortress as a conqueror over all-evil demons and over my passions that arose in me during the daily services and after them, both in the church and outside the church, and who delivered me from the tightness of my heart and the fierce remorse of the enemy. My troubles and misfortunes came from my pride, from love of the flesh, vanity, greed, dislike of my neighbor (yesterday from hostility towards the rector, this morning to the sexton for his mistake, today to the altar watchman for his mistake during the wedding; outside the church in the apartment of the pastry chef Konstantinov to his brother-in-law Yanuarsky for disrespect for to the priesthood that the young man did not stand up to greet me). Oh, what miracles of goodness, hasty obedience, omnipotent power, Thy truth You have shown and always show over me, Lord! I thank you, for you have known me and saved me for my repentance and faith and have granted me restoration after my sinful death many times over! Glory to You, Father of mercy and generosity. But grant me the word in honor of the Intercession of the Mother of God. September 28. Thursday. The abbot's order in the morning confused me, hurt me, my heart to the extreme. The rector is against me, priest Taratin and deacon Poletaev are against me. I was melting away. But faith and prayer of repentance, self-accusation, self-condemnation, justification of enemies, inner approach to them, calling on the sweetest name of Jesus Christ saved me in the cemetery church as I fell to the holy throne. I served mass calmly, solemnly, without stumbling from beginning to end. Then the enemy struck again, outraged me, and was about to kill me, but again in the name of the Lord I overthrew him and calmed down. Then in the gymnasium he attacked me again and tormented me, tormented me for two lessons, and after my visit to the archpriest I calmed down. 29. Friday. I thank the Lord, who gave me the grace of peace and boldness during the service of Matins and the grace of victory over the beginning of the embitterment of my heart against Deacon Poletaev and partly against the priest Father Peter Klepachevsky. I carried in my heart and in my thoughts the words of the Lord: if you love those who love you, what grace is there for you, and if you only kiss your others, what grace is there for you? [Matthew 5:46–47]. I thought: then I am a Christian, when I love my enemies, my slanderers, I do good to those who hate me and pray for those who offend me. We read a prayer to the Lord: straighten our steps to do Your commandments 159. What are the commandments? First of all, about love for one's neighbor, which is the fulfillment of the law, and especially about love for enemies; straighten our steps to do Your commandments, in order to love our enemies and ill-wishers, may the Lord enlighten their heart eyes. When I accepted these words with all my heart and fulfilled them in my heart, then I enjoyed peace and boldness before God and people, saying the prayer of the first hour to Christ, the true Light. May I always fulfill this commandment of Christ about love for my enemies and may I never make mutual enmity against them. Evening. I thank the Lord, who took away the great confusion from my heart at the beginning of the liturgy, which was due to grief at Deacon Poletaev for his gossip to the archpriest abbot about me; Having recognized his innocence, I repented to the Lord, asked for deliverance and received peace. He served the Liturgy by the grace of God without stumbling, only at the great entrance he was somewhat embarrassed, but in this he begged the Lord. When giving communion to women, he thought unworthily about some and was embarrassed, then he repented and was pardoned. He received Holy Communion in a wonderful, life-giving way. I confess the endless greatness of God’s blessings given to me by the faith of Christ, church services and the Sacraments. What would have happened to me, many sinners and many weaknesses, if not for frequent services, reading in church, prayer, and communion of the Holy Mysteries? I would be spiritually dead, a stingy sinner, vile, thinking and feeling and doing inappropriate things, weak, sickly, lethargic, lazy. Faith and worship, and communion of the Holy Mysteries miraculously revive me, cleanse, sanctify, renew, enlighten, elevate my spirit, and deliver me from passions. September 30. Saturday. I thank You, Lord, for the kind word in praise of Your Most Pure Mother, which I composed by Your grace in a harmonious, consistent, simple and clear manner. I prayed to You about this, and You gave your word. Glory to You. Thank You for the life-giving acceptance of Your Holy Mysteries during the Liturgy and for the unfailing service of the Liturgy and for repeated deliverance from the thinnest teeth of mental wolves and their sinful, penetrating, deadly poison (during the All-Night Vigil). Thank you for the heartfelt reading of the Akathist to Your Most Pure Mother in church. I thank the Lord, who healed my headache after communion of the Holy Mysteries and through their life-giving power. Amen. Grant me hearing, Lord, as it is convenient for me to say: with one word you created everything and transformed and healed and raised from the dead and raised everyone with a word on the last day. Amen. I curse all crafty doubt and unbelief. Amen. In the order of spiritual life, abstinence means a lot: it promotes purity of heart, dries up the streams of vile passions that feed on gluttony and voluptuousness and our excessive eating or drinking too much; refines his coarseness, which comes from overeating, spiritualizes him and brings him closer to God, Who is the purest and simplest Spirit. And we - alas! We neglect abstinence and get fed up every day! What kind of success can we expect from us in our spiritual life? How can we eradicate the passions that we ourselves nourish? Often we ourselves destroy what we have created through intemperance! I thank You, Lord, for You changed the heart of my father by position and position, Abbot Pavel Vasilyevich Trachevsky, from evil to good, having looked upon my great sorrow, and today you made him kind, affectionate, respectful, just as I respect him especially for this; I thank You for removing an unbearable burden from me. Imitate (Church Glav.) – tease, laugh, mock. A sybarite is a pampered, idle person surrounded by luxury. Justification (Church Slavic) – meaning law, establishment. Prayer “Christ, the true Light...” at the first hour.