Беседа 20

Eph.5:22–24. Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord, because the husband is the head of the wife, just as Christ is the head of the Church, and He is the Savior of the body. But just as the Church submits to Christ, so do wives to their husbands in everything. Happy husband and wife who love each other. - The power of love. – What to look for in a wife. - Good qualities of a wife. – Marital union is a symbol of our unity with Christ. – You need to be lenient towards your wife’s shortcomings. - What should a husband do in relation to his wife? – Advice for poor spouses. – How to arrange a home and family. – The true virtues of a young girl. – What kind of wives should you choose and how to treat them. 1. A certain wise man, having listed many blessings, included among them harmony (between husband and wife): “both wife and husband,” he said, “living in harmony with each other” (Sir. 25:2). Likewise, in another place, among the benefits he lists unanimity between husband and wife (Sir.25:11). Moreover, it is known that from the beginning God took special care of this union, and, speaking about both, He expresses himself as one: “God created man and woman” (Mark 10:6); and also: “there is neither male nor female” (Gal. 3:28). In fact, a husband cannot have such intimacy with a husband as a wife can have with her husband, unless someone has legally married her. That is why one blessed man, expressing excessive love and mourning one of his loved ones and heartily devoted to him, takes as an example the love of not a father or mother, nor a child or brother, nor a friend, but whose? “Your love will fall on me,” he said, “like the love of a woman” (2 Samuel 1:26). Truly, this love is more violent than any tyranny. Others (passions) are also strong; but this passion has such a strength that it never weakens. In our very nature there is some kind of passionate attraction, incomprehensible to us, which connects these bodies (husband and wife). So in the beginning, the wife came from the husband, and then from the wife and husband, husband and wife. Do you notice union and unity? Why did (God) not allow another entity from outside to surpass here? And look how He arranged it: He allowed a man to have a sister as a wife, and even more so - not only a sister, but also a daughter, and not only a daughter, but something closer to a daughter - his own flesh. Yet He arranged this from the beginning, uniting them into one, as if on a stone foundation. He did not create the wife from outside, so that the husband would not look at her as a stranger; and, on the other hand, he did not limit marital cohabitation only to her, so that, by constraining and forcing himself, he would not separate completely from others. And just as among plants those that have one trunk branching into many branches are especially beautiful, and those whose branches branch out randomly, each growing from a special root, do not seem beautiful, so here, God from one Adam grew the entire race (human), making it completely impossible for it to be separated or divided. Then, for greater unity, he forbade marriage with sisters and daughters, so that through this we would not concentrate all our love on one (genus), and thereby be separated from others. That is why (Christ) said: “He who created at the beginning made man and woman” (Matthew 19:4). There is a lot of evil that comes from this, and a lot of good for families and societies. Nothing strengthens our lives more than the love of a husband and wife. For her sake, many take up arms, while others do not spare their lives. So it was not simply and not in vain that Paul showed great concern for this matter when he said: “Wives, submit to your own husbands as to the Lord.” Why? Because if they are of the same mind, then their children are brought up well, and their servants are well-groomed, and their neighbors, friends, and relatives seem to enjoy their fragrance. If the opposite happens somewhere, then there is disorder and confusion in everything. And just as if military leaders are at peace with each other, then everything goes as it should, but if discord arises between them, then there is no longer order there, so it is here. That’s why he says: “Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord.” Alas! But how is it said in another place: if anyone does not leave his wife or husband, he cannot follow Me (Luke 14:26, Matthew 10:36–37)? If (the wife) must obey (the husband) as to the Lord, then how is it said that she should leave him for the sake of the Lord? And truly, it should. However, the word “how” does not mean perfect equality everywhere. (The Apostle) or means the following: “as” those who know that they serve the Lord, as in another place says that (they must obey) if not for the sake of the husband, then especially for the sake of the “Lord” (Col. 3:18); or: if you obey your husband, then think that you obey as one who works for the Lord. If one who resists even external public authorities resists the “command of God” (Rom. 13:2), then even more so is one who does not obey her husband. This is what God required from the beginning. So let us place the husband as the head and the wife as the body. Then, proving by inference that the husband is the head of the wife, (the apostle) says: “just as Christ is the head of the Church, and He is the Savior of the body. But just as the Church submits to Christ, so do wives to their husbands in everything.” Having said that the husband is the head of the wife, “just as Christ is the head of the Church,” he then added: “and He is the Savior of the body,” because the well-being of the body depends on the head. Thus, he offered the husband and wife, as the basis of their happiness, mutual love and caring, indicating to each the appropriate area - for him, authority and care, and for her, obedience. 2. So, just as the Church, composed of husbands and wives, obeys Christ, so wives must obey their husbands as to God. “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the Church” (Eph. 5:25). You have heard about great obedience; you are pleased with Paul and glad that he, like some wondrous and spiritual teacher, teaches us order in life. Fine! But listen to what he demands from you: he gives the same example further. “Husbands,” he says, “love your wives, just as Christ loved the Church.” Have you seen the measure of obedience? Listen to the measure of love. Do you want your wife to obey you, as the Church obeys Christ? Take care of her yourself, as Christ does the Church. Even if you had to sacrifice your life for her, even if you had to be cut a thousand times, or endure and suffer anything it was, do not refuse; but even though you suffered all this, do not think that you did anything similar to what Christ did. You endure this, being already in union with your wife; and He (suffered for the Church) who turned away from Him and hated Him. Just as He, when she turned away, hated, despised Him and was depraved, out of His great condescension He subjugated her under His feet, without resorting to threats, reproaches, intimidation or anything like that - so do you in relation to your wife: even if you saw that she neglects you, that she is depraved, that she despises you, know how to bring to your feet with your great care, love and friendship, there are no bonds stronger than these, especially for husband and wife. A servant can sometimes be bound by fear, but most likely you won’t bind him either, he will jump away and run away, but the companion of life, the mother of children and the cause of all joys must be tied to oneself not by fear and threats, but by love and affection. What kind of marriage is it when the wife trembles at her husband? What pleasure can a husband enjoy who cohabits with his wife as a slave, and not as a free woman? Even if you had to endure something for it, do not complain: Christ did not do this. “And he gave himself for her,” he says, “to sanctify her” (Eph. 5:25–26). So she was unclean; it means there were dirty spots on it; That means she was ugly and worthless. And no matter what kind of wife you took, your bride was not the same as Christ found the Church; she is not as different from you as the Church was from Christ. For all this, He did not disdain her and did not hate her for her excessive ugliness. Do you want to know how ugly she was? Listen to what Paul says: “You were once darkness” (Eph. 5:8). Do you see its blackness? What's blacker than darkness? But look at her insolence: “they lived in malice,” he says, “and envy.” Look at her uncleanness: “foolish, disobedient” (Titus 3:3). What else can I say? She was both mad and blasphemous. However, despite the fact that there was so much bad in her, He gave Himself up for the ugly, as for the beautiful, as for the beloved, as for the worthy marvelous praise. Perplexed by this, Paul said: “For hardly anyone will die for a righteous person” (Rom. 5:7); and again: “Christ died for us while we were still sinners” (Rom. 5:8). “To sanctify it,” says (the apostle), “by cleansing it with the washing of water through the word; that he might present it to himself as a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but holy and without blemish” (Eph. 5:26-27). The bath washes away her impurity. “Through the word,” he says. Which one? In the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit. And he not only adorned her, but also made her glorious, without “spot, or blemish, or anything like that.” So, let us also seek this beauty, and we can become its creators. Don't demand from your wife what she doesn't have. Do you see that the Church received everything from the Lord? Through Him she became glorious, through Him blameless. Do not turn away from your wife because of her unattractiveness. Listen to what the Scripture says: “The bee is small among those that fly, but its fruit is the best of sweets” (Sir. 11:3). She is God's creation: it is not her that you blame, but the One who created her. What is the wife's fault? Don't praise her for her beauty either. Depraved souls are characterized by such praise and such hatred, and even the most (passionate) love. Seek spiritual beauty; imitate the Bridegroom of the Church. Physical beauty produces great insolence and much foolishness; it arouses jealousy and often makes you suspect you of vile acts. But would you say she gives pleasure? One month or two, a lot if a year, but no further; from habit, the wonder soon loses its charm. But what is bad as a result of beauty remains forever: blindness, madness, arrogance. In (the pleasure) delivered not by this (beauty), there is nothing like it; there love, begun in the right way, remains constant, like love for spiritual beauty, and not physical. 3. Tell me, what is more beautiful than the sky? What's more beautiful than the stars? You will say: body, but it is not so white; you point to the eyes, but they are not so shiny. When the heavens were created, the angels marveled at them; and we are now amazed at them, although not as much as at first. It is because of habit that we are no longer so amazed by them. Isn’t it even more so (one might say) in relation to his wife? And if illness happens, then everything immediately flies away. Let us look for prudence, moderation, meekness in a wife: these are the signs of (true) beauty, but we will not look for bodily beauty, and we will not reproach her for what does not depend on her, or better yet, we will not reproach her at all, because this is characteristic of insolence, we will not be upset and indignant. Or don’t you see how many there are who lived with beautiful wives, but ended their lives in misfortune; on the contrary, how many are there who had wives who were not very handsome, but lived to a ripe old age in complete prosperity? Let us destroy internal filth, we will purge internal defects, we will destroy spiritual stains. God desires such beauty. Let us prepare her (the wife) as beautiful for God, and not for ourselves. Let us not seek money, nor external nobility, but spiritual nobility. Let no one think of getting rich through his wife, such wealth is shameful and disgraceful; and, in general, let no one seek wealth here, because “But those who desire to get rich,” it is said, “will fall into temptation and a snare and into many foolish and harmful lusts, which plunge people into disaster and destruction” (1 Tim. 6:9). Don't look for a lot of money from your wife, and you can easily find everything else. Who, tell me, leaving the most important things, will take care of the unimportant? But, alas, we always do this. If we have a son, then we are not trying to make him good, but how to find him a rich wife, not so that he is well-behaved, but so that he is rich. And if we outline a way of life, then we are also not concerned about how we can live sinlessly, but about how we can gain more income. Money began to mean everything. That is why everything is damaged, because we are obsessed with this passion. “So husbands,” says (the apostle), “should love their wives as their own bodies” (Eph. 5:28). What does it mean? This means that he moves on to the most convincing and strongest example; and moreover, to a closer and clearer example, and to a new reason. This did not seem very necessary, and lest anyone say: He was Christ, was God, and gave Himself, (the apostle) proves the same thing in a different way, saying: “So they must”; So this is not mercy, but duty. Having said: “like his own body,” he added: “For no one has ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and warms it” (Eph. 5:29), that is, he takes care of it with great care. But how is (the wife) the flesh of the husband? Listen: “Behold,” said (Adam), “bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh” (Gen. 2:23). And not only this, but it is also said: “And they shall become one flesh... Just as Christ loved the Church” (Eph. 5:25, 31): refers to the previous example. “For we are members of His body, of His flesh and of His bones” (Eph. 5:30). How? He came from our nature, just as Eve is flesh from the flesh of Adam. By the way, he mentioned bones and flesh, because this is the most important thing in us - flesh and bones. One is like a foundation, and the other is like a building. That, however, is obvious; and how is this possible? Just as there is great closeness there, so, he says, here too. What does it mean: “of His flesh”? This means it is truly from Him. But how through this do we become members of Christ? So that we were born like Him. How from the flesh? You who partake of the mysteries know this: after all, through this we are immediately prefigured. But how? For now, listen to what the blessed one (Paul) says: “And just as the children partook of flesh and blood, He also received them also” (Heb. 2:14). But here He communed with us, and not we with Him: how then are we “of His flesh and of His bones”? Some people talk about blood and water in this case, but this is not true; He, however, deigned to show this, namely, just as He, without intercourse, was born of the Holy Spirit, so we are born in the font. Look how many examples encourage you to believe that birth! Oh, the madness of heretics! What is born of water, they recognize as true birth - that which is born, but that we become His body, they do not accept this. But if we do not become Him, then how can we reconcile with this the words: “of His flesh and of His bones”? And note: Adam was created, Christ was born; from Adam's side decay came, from Christ's side life flowed; Death languished in paradise; it was destroyed on the cross. 4. So, just as the Son of God is of our nature, so we are of His essence; and just as He has us in Himself, so we have Him in us. “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh” (Eph. 5:31). Here is the third reason. He shows that when someone, having left the parents from whom he descended, copulates with his wife, then after that the father, mother and child are one flesh, made up of mutual union, because as a result of the mixing of the seed a child is born, so that the three of them are one flesh. In the same way, we are made one flesh with Christ, by communion, and we are much more than a child (in relation to parents). Why is this? Because that's how it was from the beginning. Don’t tell me that (your wife) is such and such. Don't you see that there are many shortcomings in the flesh too? One is lame, the other has crooked legs, the third has dry hands, the fourth suffers from some other member. And yet (such a person) does not grieve, does not cut him off, and often cares about him more than about others. And rightly so, since he is its member. So, the same love that each of us has for ourselves, the same (the apostle) wants us to have for our wife. And this is not because we are of the same nature, but we have a much more important reason in relation to our wife, namely, that (husband and wife) are not two bodies, but one: he is the head, and she is the body. But how does he say in another place: “And the head of Christ is God” (1 Cor. 11:3)? I say this too, that is, that just as we are one body, so Christ and the Father are one. It turns out, therefore, that the Father is our head. (The Apostle) makes two comparisons, i.e., with the body and with Christ. That’s why he adds: “This mystery is great; I speak in relation to Christ and to the Church” (Eph. 5:32). What does it mean? He calls (marriage) a great mystery, because blessed Moses, or better yet God, pointed it out as something great and wondrous. Moreover, “I say,” he says, “in relation to Christ,” since He, having left the Father, descended and came to the bride and became “one spirit” with her: “he who is united with the Lord is one spirit with the Lord” (1 Cor. 6:17). He said well: there is a great mystery, as if indicating that allegorical proof does not destroy the need for love. “So let each of you love his wife as himself; but let the wife fear her husband” (Eph. 5:33). Truly, this is a sacrament, and a great sacrament, because a person, having left the one who gave birth to him, who gave birth to him, who raised him, and the one who conceived him and gave birth to him in illness, (having left) those who have been so beneficial to him, to whom he is accustomed, he is united with the one whom he has never seen before, who has nothing in common with him, and prefers her to everything. Truly, this is a sacrament. And parents are not sad when this happens, but on the contrary, they are sad when this does not happen, and, as a sign of joy, they do not spare financial costs and expenses. Truly, this is a great sacrament containing some kind of hidden wisdom. The ancient prophet Moses also showed this; Paul cries out about this even now, saying: “in relation to Christ and to the Church.” However, this is said not only in relation to the husband, but also to the wife, so that he warms her like his own flesh, like Christ the Church, and so that the wife fears her husband. He talks not only about love, but what? “let her be afraid of her husband.” The wife is a secondary power; This means that she should not demand equality (with her husband), since she is under the head; and he should not arrogantly look at her as a subordinate, because she is his body, and if the head begins to neglect the body, then it itself will disappear; in return for obedience she must bring love. Like the head, so is the body: the body gives arms, legs and all other members to the service of the heads; and the head takes care of the body, devoting all his understanding to it. There is nothing better than such a marriage. But what kind of love, they might say, can be found where there is fear? That's where she will actually be. The one who fears also loves: loving, she fears like the head and loves like a member, because the head is a member of the whole body. This is why he subjugates her and raises her husband above her, so that there will be peace. Where there is equality, there cannot be peace; whether there will be popular government, or everyone will command, it is necessary that there be one leadership. This always happens with corporeal beings; if people were spiritual, then there would be peace. There were once five thousand souls, and “no one called anything of his possessions his own,” but they shared everything with each other (Acts 4:32). This is a sign of the wisdom and fear of God. Thus (the apostle) showed the image of love, but not the image of fear. 5. Do you notice how he talks about love, cites Christ as an example, mentions his own flesh, says: “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother,” but does not talk about fear? Why is this? Because he wants love to prevail. If she exists, then everything else will follow; and if there is fear, then – not completely. He who loves his wife, even if she is not very obedient, will endure everything; but if (the spouses) are not bound by the power of love, then unanimity between them is an inconvenient and difficult matter. Fear does not produce such an effect at all. That is why (the apostle) dwells primarily on what is stronger. And the wife, although she is apparently harmed by the fact that fear is prescribed, loses nothing, because the husband is prescribed what is especially important - love. But, they will say, what if the wife is not afraid of her husband? You love, you do your duty; let others not do what should be done, we must do it. I will give an example: “submitting,” it is said, “to one another in the fear” of Christ (Eph. 5:21). What then? Even if others do not obey, you submit to the law of God. So it is here: even if the husband did not love his wife, she should be afraid of him so as not to be indebted to him; equally and, conversely, even if the wife were not afraid of her husband, he should love her so that he would not be in debt to her. Everyone has their own responsibilities. Such is marriage in Christ, spiritual marriage and spiritual birth, not from blood, not from diseases of birth. Such is the birth of Isaac. Listen to what Scripture says: “And the custom of women ceased with Sarah” (Gen. 18:11). And marriage is not due to passion or bodily attraction, but is entirely spiritual, in which the soul is united with God in an ineffable union, as He alone knows. That is why it is said: “he who is united with the Lord is one spirit with the Lord” (1 Cor. 6:17). Do you see with what care he speaks about both carnal union and spiritual unity? Where (after that) are the heretics? If marriage were an unclean matter, then he would not have called (the couple) bride and groom, would not have cited the words for exhortation: “a man will leave his father and mother,” and would not have added that this is said “in relation to Christ and the Church.” The Psalmist also speaks about her: “Hear, daughter, and see, and incline your ear, and forget your people and your father’s house. And the King will desire your beauty” (Ps. 44:11–12). That is why Christ said: “I came from the Father and came into the world” (John 16:28). But when I say that He left the Father, do not imagine, humanly speaking, a change of place: it is said that He came out, not because He left, but because He became incarnate: so exactly (understand) the words: He left the Father. Why is it not said about the wife: she will cleave to her husband? Why is this? Because love has already been talked about, and told to the husband. The apostle instills fear in the wife and at the same time says: “the husband is the head of the wife,” and also: “and Christ is the head of the Church.” He talks with her husband about love and gives him what (has to do with) it; tells him about love, connecting and combining him (with his wife). In fact, can someone who leaves his father for his wife and then leaves her and lets her go be worthy of any leniency? Do you see what honor, according to the will of God, she should enjoy when God, distracting you from your father, unites you with her? But what will they say if we do everything we should, but she doesn’t? “If an unbeliever wants to get a divorce, let him get a divorce” (1 Cor. 7:15). In these matters the brother or sister is not subject to slavery. And when you hear about fear, then demand fear befitting a free woman, and not as from a slave: after all, she is your body. And if you do the wrong thing, you will disgrace yourself by dishonoring your body. What kind of fear is this? So that she does not contradict, so that she does not become obedient to you, so that she does not strive for primacy. It is enough to arouse only this kind of fear. If you love as indicated to you, then you will achieve much more, and you will achieve this not so much with threats as with love itself. The (female) sex is very weak; he needs a lot of help, special indulgence. What will those who are united in a second marriage say? I do not say this as a condemnation, let it not be, and the apostle allows it. But condescending to her weakness, give her everything, do everything for her sake and endure: this is necessary for you. In this case, (the apostle) does not favor giving advice on the basis of external examples, as he often does. The great and strong example of Christ was sufficient, especially to prove (the necessity of) obedience. “he will leave,” he says, “his father and mother.” Now, this is an external indication. However, he did not say: and will live together (with his wife), but: “he will cleave,” meaning by this the closest unity, the strongest love. He was not satisfied with this either, but through guidance he explained the subordination (of the wife) in such a way that two no longer seem to be two. He did not say: into the spirit; but he said: into the soul, - since this is obvious and quite possible, - but (said that they are united) so that they are “one flesh”. 6. Although the wife also has power in the house, namely the second one, although she has superiority and is equal to the husband, but for all that, the husband has something more, namely, primary care of the house. According to Christ, he received not only to love (his wife) as he should, but also to improve (her life). “So that she may be,” he says, “holy and blameless.” When it says “flesh”, of course love; in the same way, when it is said “to cleave”, it also means love. If you make her holy and immaculate, then everything will follow. Seek what is Godly, and what is human will follow very easily. Rule your wife, and your house will be prosperous. Listen to what Paul says: “If they want to learn anything, let them ask their husbands about it at home” (1 Cor. 14:35). If we manage our homes this way, we will be capable of managing the church, because a home is a small church. Thus, if husbands and wives are good, then everything will be excellent. Remember about Abraham, about Sarah, about Isaac, about the three hundred and eighteen household members: how well-appointed their whole house was, how it was all full of piety! (Sarah) fulfilled the apostolic commandment and was afraid of her husband. Listen to what she said: “Should I, when I am old, have this consolation? and my lord is old” (Gen. 18:12). And (Abraham) loved her so much that he listened to her in everything she commanded. And their son was virtuous, and the very members of the household were worthy of surprise, so they did not hesitate to go into danger with their master, did not hesitate and did not demand an explanation. And one of them, who was in charge of the others, was such a wonderful husband that he was entrusted with the marriage of his only begotten son and his absence to a foreign land. Just as, if a military leader organizes an army well, then the enemy will not break in from anywhere, so here: when a husband, wife, children and servants care about the same thing, there is great unanimity in such a house. If, on the contrary, this is not the case, then often one bad servant causes everything to be corrupted and ruined, and often one alone ruins and spoils everything. So, let us take special care of wives, children and slaves, knowing that by doing this we will make it convenient for ourselves to have authority over them, and a condescending and favorable account will be required from us (to this authority) - we will say: “Here I am and the children whom the Lord has given me” (Is. 8:18). If the husband is good and the head is good, then there will be no disorder in the whole body. And what a good relationship should be between a wife and husband, (the apostle) expressed this in a precise way, admonishing her to fear her husband as a head, and to him to love her as a wife. But how, you say, can this be? What it should be, he showed; and I’ll tell you how this can be. Precisely, if we despise money, if we look only at one thing - spiritual virtue, if we have the fear of God before our eyes. What he said, speaking about slaves: “so that everyone may receive according to what he did while living in the body, good or bad” from the Lord (2 Cor. 5:10), also here. One must love her not so much for her own sake, but for Christ’s sake. With this in mind, (the apostle) said: “Like the Lord.” So do everything out of obedience to the Lord, and as if you were doing everything for His sake. This is sufficient to motivate and persuade, and to prevent any temptation or confusion. No faithful man should slander his wife against her husband; but the husband should not believe the slander against his wife, just as the wife should not emptyly watch the entrances and exits (of her husband). However, the husband should not give rise to any suspicion of himself. Why, tell me, do you spend the whole day with friends, and only the evening with your wife, and through this you cannot satisfy her or ward off suspicion? If your wife reproaches you, do not be sad: it is out of friendship, not out of insolence. Reproaches are the fruit of ardent love, passionate affection and fear. She is afraid that someone will steal her bed from her, that someone will harm her in the most important good, that someone will take away her head, that someone will ruin the (marriage) bed. There is another reason for disagreement. No one should become excessively attached to servants, neither a husband to a maid, nor a wife to a servant, since this is enough to create suspicions. Let us also remember those righteous people. Sarah herself commanded the patriarch to take Hagar; She ordered it herself, no one forced her; My husband didn’t insist either. But although he lived for a long time childless, he would rather agree not to be a father at all than to sadden his wife. And after all this, what does Sarah say? “Let the Lord be the judge between me and you” (Gen. 16:5). If there had been anyone else (in Abraham's place), would he not have become angry? Wouldn't he have raised his hands and said, for example, like this: what are you talking about? I didn’t want to have a connection with this woman, everything happened from you, and you still reproach me? But Abraham didn’t say anything like that—so what? “Behold, your handmaid is in your hands; do with it as you please” (Gen. 16:6). He betrayed the lodge's community member so as not to sadden Sarah. And nothing can be such a strong reason for disposition. In fact, if communication at a meal produces the fact that thieves are disposed towards their enemies, and the Psalmist says: “who enjoyed the food with me” (Ps. 54:15) 3, then all the more capable of binding the unity of the flesh - and this is the communication of the bed. But nothing like that could shake the righteous man: he gave her away to his wife, showing that everything happened not through his fault, and, most importantly, he let her go pregnant. Who would not take pity on the one who conceived a child from him? But the righteous man did not hesitate, because he preferred love for his wife to everything. 7. Let us also imitate him. Let no one reproach his neighbor for poverty, let no one be attached to money, and everything will be decided. Let not the wife say to her husband: oh, you are cowardly and timid, clumsy, cowardly and sleepy! Here is such an insignificant man, of low birth, but he despised dangers, undertook wanderings, and for this he acquired a large estate, now his wife walks in gold, rides in a cart drawn by white mules, is accepted everywhere, has crowds of servants and many eunuchs; and you hide from fear and live in vain. Let the wife not say this or anything similar, because she is the body, her duty is not to rule the head, but to obey and obey. But how can one, they say, endure poverty? Where can I find consolation? Let her then imagine those who are much poorer than her; let him remember how many respectable and noble maidens not only received nothing from their husbands, but handed over to them and spent all their property on them; let him think about the worries that come from such riches, and be content with a serene life. In general, if she is sincerely disposed towards her husband, then she will not say anything like that, and it will be better to want to have him with her, even if he does not acquire anything, than if he acquired thousands of talents of gold, but live away from him with the sadness and care that women always have due to a long separation. But let the husband who hears this, as one who has power, not resort to abuse and blows, but let him exhort, persuade, and convince her, as if she is less thorough in her judgments, but does not at all lay hands on her - this is indecent for a free soul, - does not use any abuse, reproaches, or reproaches, but let him guide her, as if she is less reasonable. But how can this be? When he learns true wealth and becomes acquainted with the highest wisdom, he will not be guilty of anything like that. Let him teach her that poverty is not evil at all; let him teach not only in words, but also in the way of actions; let him teach her to disdain fame, and the wife will not say or desire anything like that. As one who has received a precious treasure, from the very evening he brings her into the bedroom, he must teach her chastity, meekness, so that she lives honestly and from the very beginning and at the first entrance into his house leaves the love of money; let her instruct her in wisdom and admonish her not to have gold pendants in her ears, above her cheeks and on her neck, so that they are not in her room, so that there are no gold and valuable clothes lying there - so that she wears elegant jewelry, but not the kind whose grace is reprehensible. Leaving aside what is typical for those who play on stage, decorate the house with great decorum, so that it is filled with chastity rather than with any incense. Two or three benefits will come from this. First, the bride will not be sad because, having dissolved the bridal chamber, everyone will be shown clothes, and gold and silver vessels. Secondly, the groom will not worry about theft and the preservation of what is collected there. And the third, main good is that in all this he will show his mood, namely, that he does not admire any of this, that he will destroy everything else, and that he will never allow dancing and shameless songs to take place. I know that by prescribing such rules, I may seem funny to someone. But if you believe me, then, after time, when you yourself see the benefits of this, you will understand the benefit, and the laughter will end; you will begin to laugh at current customs, you will see that current customs are characteristic only of foolish children and drunk people; and what I urge is full of chastity and wisdom and is characteristic of a higher way of life. What, I say, is needed? Banish from the marriage all shameful satanic songs, indecent choruses, gatherings of shameless youths - and this will be very edifying for the bride. She will immediately say to herself: oh, what a husband this is! He is a wise man; he considers this life to be nothing; he brought me into his house to give birth and raise children, to take care of the house. But will this be unpleasant for the bride? Maybe one or two days, but no further; she will feel the greatest pleasure because she will have no reason to suspect. After all, the one who, even during marriage, did not allow music, dances, or ugly songs, especially at other times, will not allow himself to do or say anything shameful, after that, when you remove all this from the marriage, behave decently towards the bride herself, be modest for a long time and do not soon cease to be so. Even if the girl was not so shy, she would be able to restrain herself for the time being, out of respect for her husband and the news of the matter. So, do not quickly lose this modesty, as shameless people do, but keep it for a long time. This will be of great benefit to you; and your bride will not blame you for this, she will not complain about your behavior. 8. So, during all that time, while shame, like a kind of bridle imposed on the soul, does not allow any reproach or reproach for your behavior, during all this time offer your wife the rules of life. If (instead of this shame) there is insolence, then there will be no fear, and disorder and confusion may occur in everything. Truly, there is no such convenient time for a wife’s education as when she is still cautious with her husband, afraid of him and ashamed. Then all the rules should be laid out to her, and she, willy-nilly, will be submissive to everything. But how, it may be asked, is this modesty preserved? If you appear as bashful as she is, you will speak little to her, and then with great importance and prudence. Then you offer her words of wisdom, because then the soul accepts them; then bring it to the best condition, i.e. into a state of modesty. If you want, I’ll tell you as an example what you need to talk to her about. After all, if Paul did not hesitate to say: “Do not turn away from one another” (1 Cor. 7:5), and expressed the words usually uttered by a woman assigned to the bride, or better, not her words, but the spiritual soul - then we will not hesitate to say. So what should you tell her? With great love you need to tell her: we took you, baby, as our life partner and made you our partner in what is most honest and necessary, in childbearing and managing the house. What should we ask you? However, it is better if first you talk to her about love, because nothing contributes more to convincing the listener to accept our words than his confidence that they are spoken with great love. How can you express your love? If you say: I could have taken many, richer than you, and of noble birth, but I did not take them, but fell in love with you, your way of life, your meekness, modesty, chastity. Then, from this, immediately try to talk about wisdom and attack wealth, but with some caution, because if you speak directly against wealth, you will seem too harsh. But if you take advantage of the occasion, you will end everything, because it will seem that you are doing it in defense, and not like some cruel, unpleasant and picky person; and if she gives you a reason, and you use it, then she will even be happy. So, say (it is necessary to repeat what was said again) that, at least I could have taken a rich woman for myself, but I did not want this. Why? Not simply and not without reasoning, but because I have been well taught that wealth is not some kind of acquisition, but a thing worthy of contempt, which is found among robbers, and harlots, and grave diggers. Therefore, leaving him, I went to your spiritual virtue, which I prefer to all gold. A prudent and noble young girl, zealous for piety, (in my eyes) is worth the whole universe. That is why I have become attached to you and love you, and consider you more precious than my soul. Real life means nothing, and I ask, and beg, and try in every possible way to make us worthy of arranging our real life in such a way that we can meet each other completely fearlessly there, in the next century. The present tense is short and uncertain; If we are worthy to cross this life, pleasing God, then we will dwell forever with Christ and with each other in great joy. I prefer your love to everything, and nothing can be as hard for me as to ever be separated from you. Even if I had to lose everything, become poorer than Ira, be subjected to the greatest misfortunes, in a word, endure anything, I will not be afraid of anything, I will endure everything, as long as your disposition towards me continues; and children will be desirable to me only when you are sincerely disposed towards us. This is what you will need to do. Then insert the apostolic words about what close unity and prudence God requires from us. Tell her: listen to what the Scripture says: “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife.” Let us not have any reason for displeasure. Let money, and a multitude of servants, and external honors have their meaning; but for me this (family consent) is most valuable. Wouldn't such words be more convincing to a wife than an abundance of gold or treasures? Do not be afraid that your beloved will ever cheat on you; boldly admit that you love her. Public women, who today express passion for one, and tomorrow for another, rightly rebel against their lovers when they hear such speeches from them. But a free woman and a noble girl will never be angry about such words, but rather will be convinced by them. Show that you value her company dearly and prefer to be at home for her rather than in the square; prefer her also to all friends and children born of her: and love them because of her. If she does something well, praise and be surprised; if there is something inappropriate and characteristic of youth, convince and exhort. Attack wealth and extravagance in every possible way; show her the adornment of modesty and honesty, and constantly teach her what is needed. 9. Let your prayers be common; Let everyone go to church, and let the husband ask his wife at home for an account of what was said and read there, and let her ask her husband. When poverty befalls you, remember the holy men - Paul, Peter, who became famous more than all the kings and rich men, but how did they live? - in hunger and thirst. Teach your wife that there is nothing worse in life than to offend God. If someone gets married for this purpose, then he is not much less than the monks, and the one who gets married is not much less than those who get married. If you want to make a dinner or arrange a feast, then do not invite anyone dishonest, anyone indecent, but if you find some holy poor man who can bless your house, who can, setting his foot towards you, bring every blessing of God; call him. I'll say something else. Let none of you try to marry someone who is richer than you, but it is better to marry someone who is poorer. Having entered with money, she will bring not so much pleasure as sorrow with her reproaches, her excessive demands, her abuse, wastefulness, and rudeness. She may say: you haven’t spent anything on me yet; I dress with my own money, which my parents gave me. But what are you saying, woman, as if you still dress in your own? What is more meaningless than such words? You don't have your own body, but you have your own money? After marriage, you are no longer two fleshes, but have become “one flesh,” and have two possessions, not one? Oh, love of money! Both of you have become one person, one living being, and you keep saying: is this mine? This cursed and destructive word was brought from the devil. God made everything that is much more necessary than this common to us, but this is not common? You cannot say: my light, my sun, my water; We have everything in common, but money is not common? Let money perish a thousand times over, or better not money, but spiritual dispositions that prevent you from using money wisely and encourage you to prefer it to everything else. By the way, teach your wife this too, only with great love. Since the exhortation to virtue itself contains a lot of burdensome things, especially for a tender and young girl, then when there is talk about wisdom, come up with more affectionate expressions, and especially remove from her soul the concepts: “mine, yours.” If she says: mine, then tell her: what do you call yours? I don't know, I don't have anything of my own. How do you say: mine, when everything is yours? Caress her with these words. Don't you see that we act this way towards children? When a child grabs something that we are holding and wants to take something else, we give in to him and say: yes, this and that is yours. Let us do the same with the wife, since her mind is rather childish, and when she says: “Mine,” say: “Everything is yours and I am yours.” These words are not words of flattery, but of great prudence. With this you can quench her anger and extinguish her annoyance. Flattery is when someone acts ignoble out of an evil disposition; and this is the greatest wisdom. So, say: I’m yours too, baby. I was convinced of this by Paul, who said: “The husband has no power over his own body, but the wife” (1 Cor. 7:4). If I do not have power over my own body, but you do, then even more so over money. By saying this, you will calm her down, put out the fire, shame the devil, make her a slave, more submissive than one bought with money; With these words you will bind her. Thus, through what you say, teach her never to say: mine, yours. And don’t just call her, but with affection, with honor, with great love. Respect her, and she will not need respect from others, will not need the approval of others, if she enjoys your (respect and approval). Prefer her to everyone, in all respects, both in terms of beauty and prudence, praise her. In this way you will convince her not to listen to anyone outside, but to despise all strangers. Teach her the fear of God, and everything will flow to you as from a source, and your house will be filled with numerous blessings. If we begin to seek the incorruptible, then this corruptible will also come: “Seek ye first,” it is said, “the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you” (Matthew 6:33). What kind of children will be from such parents? What kind of servants do such masters have? What are all those close to them like? Will they not also be filled with countless blessings? After all, servants, for the most part, perceive the customs of their masters and imitate their aspirations: they love the same, what they say, what they learned from them and do the same. So, if we guide ourselves in this way and heed the Scripture, we will learn a lot from it, and through this we will be able to please God, and spend our whole real life in virtue, and receive the benefits promised to those who love Him, of which may we all be worthy by the grace and love of our Lord Jesus Christ, with whom to the Father with the Holy Spirit be glory, power, honor, now and ever, and to the ages of ages. Amen. Translation by P. Yungerov – Editorial office of “The ABC of Faith” You might be interested in: