Послание 6. К Феоктисте, своей матери

If it were possible to send tears in letters, then I, filling this letter of mine with them, would send them these days to you, my venerable, kind and godly mother. For, truly, I cannot indifferently hear about your situation, not talking about proximity to the tomb, but also about diseases that threaten death. And why, my mother, did you want to leave us, having loved the coming age, to move away from us and abide with the Lord? You, of course, loved the blessings there, and out of strong love you changed your way of thinking, you more desired to be with my good and holy sister and with my dear master Euthymius, or better, in the ranks of the saints. How, mother, can I continue the presentation of the letter without tears? Is it really destined for me in my sorrowful life to hear about your death, to sing lamentable songs to you, to see your coffin and write funeral poems so that you may rest in body underground - for I know that in spirit you will dwell in heaven - and I will remain on earth, continuing to drag out my regrettable and sinful life? How can you tolerate this? May this not happen to me! However, everything must be left to the will and determination of our Most Good God. For He knows what is useful for each of us, He knows what is needed, He arranges what is needed. He is a child-loving Father, He arranges everything well, by the way, prudently, providentially, wisely, beautifully, perfectly. O the wisdom and depth of His judgments, “for His ways are incomprehensible and unsearchable” (Rom. 11:33)! Even earlier He took a sister to Himself, then He took a brother, and now He wants a third. Who will it be? If you are yourself, then great praise; you complete the triple reward, having spent your life wonderfully, leaving everything, surrendering everything to God: head, limbs, yourself, having exhausted your honest body with exploits, having lived a much sad life, or better yet, having walked the “narrow and cramped” path of the Lord (Matthew 7:14), and now desiring an outcome in a good old age. I still pray about this. However, the best thing is what pleases God: who is more related to Him than can take care of our affairs? Rejoice, mother, both during your life and when you die. You will not die because you have life within you. By your own will, you died to life, because you fought the “good fight” (1 Tim. 6:12), because you renounced earthly things in order to inherit heavenly things, because you bloodlessly participated in the exploits of martyrdom, cutting off your members – us – out of love for the Lord. You leave without worries, without a will. For you have nothing to make a will about except your hair clothing and some other random accessory of simple life. Already naked you go from here to appear before God, having a soul pure from material impurity. However, you have something to leave us, namely, a strong prayer with which you overshadowed us even in our youth, marking and sealing us in the hours of the night, offering prayers to the Lord for us at all times. You will also abandon your unslothful zeal in divine services, your love of purity, your zeal for virtue, and your apostolic praise of hard work. For truly, your venerable hands did a lot of work, and clothed and warmed not only us, but also all the brothers, who, recognizing and respecting you as their spiritual mother, grieve and cry out for you equally with us. This, which has not yet happened, we set out in a letter, bringing consolation to ourselves and expressing to you the feelings of our hearts, which you yourself know about. As you know, my holy mother, although I would like to come to you, I could not because of the worries entrusted to me, unworthy, and I don’t know how. For just as it was surprising, according to the Scriptures, that “Saul was among the prophets” (1 Samuel 10:11), so was the fact that Theodore was among the abbots. It delayed me, it tied me down. If I were bound with iron chains, I would break them and appear before your face. And now, instead of myself, I am sending you a presbyter for a little consolation, because he himself enjoys your love and respect, so that he can help your weakness in everything, observing and taking care of your needs. And if you stay in the same place, then he will stay, and if you go, then he will go along with the steward. However, as God directs and allows your weakness, do so, my venerable mother, and, wanting to go, do not strain yourself through force. Send us news as soon as possible about how you are feeling in your illness, so that we can calm down a little. Now all the brothers have performed a canon of prayer for you, they are constantly offering prayers for your health. Honor us with your holy prayer, bless us with maternal gifts, greet us with a letter, grant us the peace that you have by the grace of Christ and will have forever and ever. You might be interested in: