Письмо 68

It’s good that you were convinced by Mother O.’s suggestion that your desire to become a monk untimely and arbitrarily was not useful. I am surprised at your foolishness and empty, unpunished jealousy, which comes from conceit and self-reliance. You think that then you will live holy and be saved. What is your supposed holiness? It seems to you that you need to pray with all your heart, and heaven opens up to you. This is sheer beauty! Soon you can reach madness. Are you worth it? And when you think that you have achieved or will achieve this with your exploits, then it is already dangerous: this shows your pride, and behind it is charm. Didn’t all the saints, during their godly lives, see themselves as earth and ashes? By what means the gift given to them from God was preserved, that is, by humility; while others considered themselves unworthy of accepting such gifts and remained within the boundaries of humility. You try to see an imaginary shrine on yourself, and not seeing it, you are embarrassed, instead of needing to humble yourself and be contrite in heart, considering yourself the last of all: then, even with your small and weak corrections, you could be calmed by the grace of God, which looks upon the humble. And your entire feat must be directed towards actions of the heart, from where many different passions come and fight us. Not having the strength to fight them, call on the Lord, and attribute victory to Him, and in victory, repent and humble yourself. But you, apparently, have no idea how to fight and resist passions; but you only rely on doing and your imaginary exploits. What benefit does doing bring you? Apart from harm - no harm. When you lived with your sister, then, from understanding in words and actions, you could recognize your weakness, be overcome by words, rage, not bearing reproaches, or anything else, and would bring repentance; and in time she could have corrected herself, and would have received a good dispensation and peace of mind. Now what benefit are you getting from solitude? Only the mind boasts that you live alone. Where is the peace of mind? Nobody touches you, and you are embarrassed. I advise you to read the book of St. Abba Dorotheus take a closer look, and more than once, and judge whether your residence is going like this; Yes, read in the little book of Elder Paisius the letter to Priest Demetrius, in which he describes the harm from a silent and uncommunicative life. October 19th, 1846. You might be interested in: