Письмо 65

Seeing from your letter that now your mother has calmed down towards you, I rejoice from the bottom of my heart, and I must tell you that not only should I blame myself before my mother and consider myself more guilty than her, but even before everyone, considering myself the worst and the last of all: this is the only way you can avoid the snares of the enemy and his snares and receive peace of mind. You contradict yourself, saying that you accept my letters as grace sent from heaven, and then you write that with great regret you accepted my words that you consider me a mentor, and you do not receive any benefit. It is written: by their fruit you will know them (Matthew 7:16). Your lack of peace with the abbess and with your mother, the desire to form your own mind and your will, the reproach of your brothers and mother for their luxury and the like, which I saw all of your letters, that’s why I wrote it; but you rejected reproof. And Saint John Climacus writes: “having rejected correct or incorrect reproof, he rejected his salvation”; this is the fruit! Having rejected reproof, you display your virtues, which you acquired from obedience to me, and this is a good fruit, but the real fruit - humility - is lacking, without which all our deeds are nothing. “Humility is born from obedience,” writes Saint Climacus, “and not the calculation of one’s virtues.” It even seems to you that you are humbling yourself and have humbled yourself, but you don’t see that you are deceiving yourself. You write that you are forcing yourself to endure sorrow: this is what is bad, that you see yourself being offended, and not worthy of offence; your pride hides your shortcomings from you, and sorrows seem heavy to you: and where there is self-reproach, there the same sorrows are easier. How much is needed for your maintenance, not for luxury, but for necessity, you can ask, with the will of God, as He will announce to your mother and brothers, and, having received satisfaction or refusal, you will be peaceful, seeing in this not human cunning, but the will of God. Your embarrassment towards the holy father is wrong; How can one be embarrassed because he asked about the abuse; It was true that his intention was to enlighten you on how to resist this battle, but you were embarrassed for this and imagine your virtue that you have no thoughts. I am not at all surprised by this, but I see what the enemy can do to tempt you with these thoughts, when you feed on vanity and pride in not having them; that's enough for him. How can you understand the art of spiritual warfare when you have never seen it? And how do you reconcile? Saint Climacus writes: “Whoever does not have this war obviously agrees with his enemies; and when we are fighting, this is a sign that we are firmly armed against our enemy.” I have repeatedly written to you so that you do not seek tonsure into the mantle, either secretly or openly, you will not receive any benefit: for your desire is not according to reason; You are still betrothed to this image and it is sufficient for you. I see that you don’t have the slightest idea about monasticism, what it consists of. You are now in the ordeal of monasticism and must fulfill everything that a nun should, and most importantly, the vows of monasticism: virginity, non-covetousness and obedience. But in all of these we must be tempted by many spiritual battles, and learn from experience that through these actions we are freed from passions, we receive peace and tranquility; yet this is when we humble ourselves; - We are also granted other spiritual gifts, about which you have no idea. It seems to you that when you accept monasticism, you will accomplish everything, that is, you will acquire the inner Pharisee with your imaginary work; but to stand in the struggle against passions, and to have a difference between them, not a word about that. Abandon this intention of yours and wait for the favor of God: when He pleases, you will be tonsured into the mantle: and until then, follow the humble, middle path, do not rise high and do not descend to the ground, read the active books of your fathers, struggle with passions, call on the Lord for help, and do not rely on your own strength, and you will receive what you are looking for - salvation. June 21, 1846. You might be interested in: