Письмо 45

I congratulate you and all your sisters in Christ on this new year; may the Lord give you new strength to fight against our mental enemies: the world, the flesh and the devil, the same with passions; and may the peace of God dwell upon you richly. First, I will tell you about your weaknesses (of which I myself am filled). It is good for us, for the Lord humbles us (Ps. 119:71), not allowing us to fly into the heights of imaginary corrections, lest, having not ascended, we suffer overthrow. But at least in humility, with the sight of our sins, and with pain over them, the Lord visited us and delivered us from our enemies and passions. But it often happens that when one’s eyes are filled with a log, we see knots in others; Even though they annoy us, we must understand that not by themselves, but by God’s permission, they are instruments of truth and God’s providence. God acts unknown to us, in some cases by good will, and in others by permission. You, not yet seeing anything, were afraid of future sorrow that could happen through N; But doesn’t the opposite happen: from whom you don’t expect, you receive, and from whom you hope, you are deceived. All this is hidden from us; then, when something needs to happen, God will instruct you what to do; just seek instruction and help from Him; even if the opposite happens, it can turn into a benefit; Your destinies, O Lord, are many deep (Ps. 35:7)! I do not regret that I did not please U. V.’s mother with my letters. It's her own fault; she should have, like you, dictated to me what to answer to her, and all I had to do was rewrite it and sign it, then I would be satisfied; and when something is asked with faith, it must be accepted with the same faith, although I am unworthy of this, which is what I attribute her insult to; and because she doesn’t want to write to me, I’m not at all offended at her. I’m not offended by you that you dictate to me how to write to you or to her about your trip; but I cannot fulfill this, but I leave it to the will of God; as He pleases, so He will create and arrange; and surely it will be better than our speculations. One must regret its dispensation, which, perhaps, will change for the better with the passage of time and the allowance of temptations, which is even evident from your three letters: everyone has a different dispensation. Usually, when we come to a monastery, we think: either suddenly fly to heaven, or find indestructible peace; but, not finding this from the torment of our own passions, we fall into despondency, looking for permission in the wrong places; and she is doing all the worse because she does not read the books that she should read, not choosing herself, but those that are assigned to her for her benefit. If she remembered and understood the power of the word: whoever wants to follow Me must deny himself and take up his cross (Mark 8:34), then she would in every possible way turn away from her own will, like an enemy; but this is incomprehensible to her. She is indignant at me in vain, as if I write that I gave her the blessing, in accordance with her will, to enter B-u. Well, what would happen now, given her current unworldliness? Whenever I forced her, the guilt would fall entirely on me, and I would rightly grumble: but now I must blame myself and bless myself; but I don’t find this. It would seem that the best time for her is for you to correct your morality; I know that you will not allow it to be forced, and this is unpleasant for her: but then she would love it. It is necessary for her to see that what worries her is not what surrounds her from the outside, but what lies inside her: and then, of course, she would try to pluck out the bad roots so that they do not grow upward. For my part, just as I don’t attract her to S-k, I don’t reject her from B-i; I believe that in every place of the Lord’s dominion (Ps. 102:22) there are many who are being saved, and whoever the Lord will call to where. And I leave it to the will of God, as He pleases to arrange it: whether He approves it with you, or transfers it to S-k; benefit or harm is hidden from us; only the holy fathers write to us that “if a monk humbles himself, he will find peace in every place.” I can’t say anything high about N.’s mother; and whoever, by faith, wants to use it, receives it; but because of unbelief, whoever wants to is tempted; is at their will. The thoughts that confuse you about what you heard, about your reproach and about the opinion that I am better disposed towards S—u than towards your monastery, are insignificant. I respect and love all the abodes, as refuges for those who are being saved. But I know those living, more than where, only S–x; You have your cell and partly the mother abbess, but there are few others. This is not special love, but knowledge. If zeal is important, I don’t know how to find out about it? It’s unlikely that I write to anyone as much and as much as to you: what is this made of? There don't seem to be any views! Mnogohreshny I.M. January 15, 1844. You might be interested in: