Письмо 171

How mad and frantic have you reached, that even you yourself are horrified by this now - you grumbled against God; but how great is His patience that He waits for our repentance and does not punish us immediately. But this should humble you, and, having recognized your weakness, always run to the Lord, asking for forgiveness and help in your affairs. I know the reason for your abuse and mental decline - it is your pride; she is so disgusting with God that she cast down an angel from heaven; and you are quite busy with it, you consider yourself better than everyone else, and you despise and reproach them: this very thing deprived you of God’s help, and all the nakedness of your passionate dispensation was revealed. Remember your intention with which you went to the monastery, seeking salvation, and you have a holy fatherly teaching that teaches and excites us to exploits: humility, patience and love, etc., and while you, albeit somewhat, held on, strengthened by God, you stood unshakably, although sometimes you fell, but did not break; and when you became proud of others, you allowed the enemy to stir up a storm of passions against you, so that you would humble yourself and consider yourself the least of all. When you have yourself like this, you will see the mercy of God; He looks down on the humble (Ps. 113:6). You say: if you were in obedience to someone, you could humble yourself, but aren’t you in obedience to M.M.? Yes, according to your faith, you also have obedience to me, a sinner, although you are distant, but your disposition towards the Lord is close; then you must do what they tell you or write, as if you were nearby, and from this acquired humility through the knowledge of your weakness; but if you were nearby, as you think, you could obey; on the contrary, the enemy would show you many shortcomings, and instead of obedience, you would completely lose faith. This happens to many people. You don't like the short chapters of St. Mark of the Ascetic, which you cannot retain in your memory, but on the contrary, a brief speech about some virtue or passion can be more absorbed in your memory, just read with faith, not for memory alone, but in order to fulfill it. What arouses passion in you and causes confusion, try to drive out of your memory through the fear of God, prayer and humility; always talk about the movements of your thoughts to mother M. I remain the wisher for your health and salvation, many sinners I. M. August 8, 1856 You might be interested in: