Письмо 140

Thinking about the confusion you described, which happens in your cell, I see that the enemy’s warfare is trying to deprive you of peace; one with a suspicious character, the other with pride and place, in the place of peace, confusion, filling the soul and body, and depriving the divine light, and, like a nail driven into your hearts, resentment is carried in your hearts, to the delight of the enemy. Are you asking me for guidance on what to do? Although I myself am lying in sinful wounds, out of pity for both of you, I dare to offer remedies; maybe, with God’s help, they will have an effect on you. The ulcer of a suspicious nature, or simply to say - jealousy, is very large; it torments both its owner and those around her, and it must be deeply rooted from long ago, but it was left unnoticed, and also had some obvious imaginary guilt; and now, too, although it’s wrong, but I think you believe that she did this and that for you; Perhaps the thought also concerns costs, but, seeing on your part a discrepancy with her will, although correct, it seems to the passionate heart to be ingratitude, or something else, and thus tormented, she punishes herself and others. But the wound of pride (as you recognize yourself) is painful; for he will never calm his participant, because the Lord Himself opposes the proud; through chance and temptation you began to recognize it in yourself. And before, I dreamed something about myself, although my tongue said: I’m disgusting, this and that, but I love God; and now you see that this is seduction. What to do; what to do to calm down? You force yourself, reproach yourself, but everything doesn’t help and it happens - don’t talk about it for days. It's painful, unbearable; what salvation is there? I wrote to both of you with K-voy, and set the tone about preference for one’s neighbor, and so on, and about surrendering oneself to the will of the mother abbess, by which, with the help of God, passions can be tamed and peace can be established; Yes, it’s a pity, does she, poor thing, understand her passion, and is she trying to tear it out, or, at least, is she fighting? It is necessary for Mother Abbess to open her eyes and advise her to resist her. You, for your part, doing as I wrote to you, must explain to her about those cases that cause general harm and violate the cell peace between you and the employees. Although confusion will occur for a while, it will be destroyed by consciousness on both sides, or by submitting it to the mother abbess for judgment with common consent, with a decision to accept as she judges and approves. Watch your passions without giving them food; one must endure in order to eradicate them; You had so much hope for her before and saw how she sacrificed everything for you, you thought, you can’t move forever, you thought: you found Tabor, and Golgotha ​​came out, although incomparably smaller; Yes, and you certainly need to suffer not only for those offenses that you see in yourself, but also for those that are hidden from you; but God alone knows, and, perhaps, what she gave temptation to her neighbors. In the specially enclosed note, you more clearly reveal your bad former dispensation: accept the fruitfulness of it - sorrow with thanksgiving and a sign that it is not forgotten by God, but is healed by tart medicine. And this fatherly rod should give you hope for salvation and not despair at all, but gain humility by seeing your own badness, and the peace of God will be with you; For which I pray to the Lord, I remain the unworthy hieromonk Macarius. February 16, 1845. You might be interested in: