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He sinned, he tore out the hair of one beggar, and in a strong anger he swung his hand to hit him, and only hit him on the hand! Anger and passions in general produce mental disorder, destroying the soul, and bodily disorder - passions cause trouble, great trouble for us. I cried before God against society for not caring for the poor and for providing them with my meager means. If even now this charitable institution does not take place, I can only complain to the Lord at the throne about the hard-heartedness of people - and it will not be me who will be ashamed that it will not take place, but society, for for my part I carried the poverty of Kronstadt on my shoulders for seventeen years and always and everywhere, as much as I could, I satisfied the real poverty. Of course, sometimes I was wrong. Who doesn't make mistakes? I was sometimes mistaken about the faces of the poor; I was mistaken in myself, that is, I did not give alms with meekness and humility and not in simplicity of heart, but with annoyance and chagrin. But don't judge me for this: I am a human being. One thing I will say is that there were many, many beggars - thanks to the Chamber: it rewarded us - in vain. After all, in fact, it’s easy to say: join Kronstadt - you’ll be full. Again he sinned, again he dared with his hand - he hit the poor boy who had squandered the money given to him, tore his hair, and was very angry and shouted at other beggars. Am I paying attention to myself? Am I correcting myself? O mistresses, mistresses! How you charge the poor, and all the poor charge me. Thursday. Oh, all-conciliatory sacrifice, the Body and Blood of Christ! O almighty sacrifice! O all-sufficient sacrifice! Oh, sacrifice of kindness, love, long-suffering! I praise the Lord with unworthy lips, darkened mind and heart, marvelously revealed and purified by the Divine Mysteries. After communion of the Divine Mysteries today, the Lord cleansed me, had mercy, pacified me, revived me wonderfully and powerfully, quickly, powerfully - and my soul rejoiced in the Lord, and sang and glorified the wonders of God’s goodness, wisdom, strength, patience, and the immutability of God’s gifts. But - oh, how quick, and cunning, and destructive sin is, how quickly and painfully it invades the soul! I come home, ring the bell at the door - one, two, three - it opens; I see: my sister-in-law is sitting, cleaning a hazel grouse near the door - and does not move from her place; the servant opened the door; I was upset by my sister’s immobility, my heart was embarrassed and embarrassed; Then I enter, her children are in my bedroom in the office; here is the wife; I say: go away - they don’t leave; finally came out. In this grief (there is something to be upset about!) I began to fervently pray to God for mercy and peace, and I thank the merciful Savior and God: death has been taken away from my heart. During mass and after mass, before the Holy Mysteries, with great faith and hope, I prayed to the miracle-working and all-good Lord to establish a House of Working People and a vocational school in our city. Hope does not disappoint [Rom. 5, 5]. Saturday. I thank the Lord, who miraculously and beyond my hopes revived me during the liturgy today in the Duma Assumption Church (funeral mass from Marina Abakumovna Vasilyeva) after communion of the Holy Mysteries. Oh, what I felt in my soul and in my whole being! What life from the dead, what mercy, what cheerfulness, what freedom, what peace, what health, what joy. And after using the Holy Gifts according to the liturgy - and even more so! Tenderness, joyful tears for pardon! Tears of love and surprise at the thought of the infinite mercy of the Lord, not overcome by my sins! Having arrived home, I violated peace and love in a conversation with my wife, and I felt heavy: cramped conditions, sorrow, a scorching and destructive fire, I felt inside; I repented and prayed for a long time, and when I finally, from the depths of my soul, convincingly repented and prayed, the Lord again forgave me, ungrateful and malicious. Glory to the Lord! Oh, if only I would not sin and anger the Lord! In the worship of our Orthodox Church, the clergy and the people, or the clergy and the people, are presented as one - one heart and one soul (And grant us with one mouth and one heart to glorify and glorify Your most honorable and magnificent Name... 12). The priest and deacon excite God and His saints to prayer, glorification, and thanksgiving - the laity pray, glorify, and give thanks together with the clergy. This unanimity must be constantly kept in mind during worship, everyone must be forced and encouraged to do so. Even from the divine service, from its structure, it is clear that the clergy are intermediaries between God and people by the grace, gift and power of Jesus Christ, interceding for people, bringing petitions, thanksgivings and praises of people and their repentance to God. Write out “Christian reading” for the coming year 1874. The ancient liturgies will be printed in Russian 13. Carnal wisdom: if someone did us harm, caused trouble, dishonor, or did not want to do us good at our request, although he could, be angry with him, wish him harm, misfortune, misfortune. This is disgusting, demonic. We must wish every good thing for our ill-wishers, as we wish for ourselves, and pray for them to God with love, as for ourselves (on the occasion of thinking about brother Pyotr Konstantinovich Nesvitsky). Do not put others down and do not exalt yourself secretly. On the night of October 7, there was a strong temptation for fornication from milk drunk in the evening; I woke up before this and walked for an hour. I read the rules for communion and the morning prayers - I could not sleep. The itching came from excess and fullness. Don't drink milk at night. Dissolve the Holy Communion less; after early mass, do not eat or drink until lunch; Eat little at lunch. You have a lot of vitality - there is no need to add it through food. I thank and glorify the most glorified Lord for his help during my performance of Matins, Liturgy and the Holy Moleben from five and a half to nine o’clock in the morning and for reviving me with the communion of the most pure and life-giving Mysteries. I thank the Lady for Her help through my prayer against unclean and nasty thoughts and movements of the heart, which was clearly provided to me at the prayer service when I [descended] into the midst of the world, into the midst of the women who surrounded me (due to my unclean heart, I thought something unclean, although they only had zeal for prayer and for the Lady). At Mr. Konstantin Romanovich Boyle’s I drank too much wine and porter, and as a result the enemy got the better of me, doing dirty tricks on me, making obstacles during the baptism in Kasatkin’s house in the customs, and especially during the wedding in the church: embarrassment and fear, not saying many words and sayings, and even at the prayer service in Mr. Khomenko’s apartment. I sinned before God, before people and before myself! And today, October 8, after early mass, having come home, I drank two glasses and a half of milk with black bread and butter, and that’s why I soon wanted to sleep and slept for two hours and a half, from half past ten to eleven and a half. Excessiveness weakens the strength of the soul and body, burdens the soul and body. I thank the Lord, who deigned me, unworthy, to celebrate the early liturgy in these days and who revived and healed me through the communion of His divine and life-giving Mysteries. My sister-in-law (who rests on my neck with her children and servants) irritated me this evening with her ignorance, disobedience, rudeness, and insolence with her incessant squealing and noise, which the mother herself aroused and supported in the children - I was brought out of patience and went out to appease the children and mother: the mother lies on the floor like a stump and a log, and does not lead her ear, as it is not her business. I shouted at them and told them to go to their room. She went and growled like a bear growling, and my wife - for her sister and against me. My wife is extremely partial to her sister: take this into account and warn you: she spoils both her and the children terribly with everything. [...]. They called, and they did not listen to Me [Isa. 66, 4]. “My parishioners, only five people came to consult about Guardianship.” And I got ready: I ​​prepared tea, snacks, wine. God be with them. But I cleared myself - I am not responsible if the Guardianship does not take place. Yesterday I ate fish: bream and roach soup, and my heart felt uneasy for a long time. In the evening I drank sweet tea, drank wine with visitors and Little Russian vodka, but without prayer - oh, my damnation! did not dare to pray. At night I smoked cigars, and at night there was an outflow of semen, and probably during a voluptuous vision, which I don’t remember. I sinned before the Lord. Where is my abstinence! Oh, how much I need abstinence and work! Intemperance, among other things, causes dullness of mind and heart, sluggishness in speech, timidity. I thank and exalt the Lord for the immeasurable, wonderful, obvious mercy shown to me during the liturgy in the service and especially in the communion of the Divine, holy, most pure and life-giving Mysteries of His Most Pure Body and Blood, in the reconciliation, resurrection, revival, sanctification, strengthening of my soul and my body. Oh, how I rejoiced in the merciful and life-giving power of my Lord! Praise the Name of the Lord, for He is good, for His mercy endures forever 14—truly always, forever. In the church, on the icons they write the faces of the saints, who are mentioned in the liturgy at the proskomedia and the liturgy of the faithful, who were the heralds and prophets of our faith, who sealed the truth and saving faith of our faith with their blood, thousands of torments and deaths and boldly pray for us to God - ever-present witnesses of the truth, faith and its life-giving power in the very torment and death, eternal pillars of the church, always protecting her with their prayers, the glory and adornment of the Church. What are we preparing for or where are we going? To the resurrection of the dead, to the Last Judgment of all nations, to the meeting of Christ, the Son of God, in indescribable glory, to eternal life in heaven with Christ and with the saints. How to prepare! How to constantly think about this! How to correct yourself, purify yourself, adorn yourself with virtues, purity, mercy, love, simplicity, kindness, abstinence, obedience, patience! I suffered severely yesterday because of my greed - because of meat-eating and fish: my voice was unclean, rattling, pain began in my throat; food was for me burdensome, harmful, soul-dead rubbish: my soul was powerless; again 15 Belial 16 acted extremely. I barely atoned for my mistake with streams of tears. I don’t need meat - I just need some stew, I don’t even need fish. I need everything plant-based. And what a stench and stench a belly filled with meat emits! The same thing happens from fish, but much less and more tolerable; There is almost no stench from plant foods. During the service, God's works of infinite importance are remembered: a) works of creation and providence and b) supernatural, wonderful, striking in their greatness, goodness, wisdom, and omnipotence, the works of redemption performed by our most merciful Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Therefore, each of us must treat worship with love, with attention, with reverence, with constancy, as a matter that concerns each of us personally. I almost died from a cup of milk and a piece of pie, and maybe two extra glasses of coffee and a glass of tea. I was in need all day; At Baranov’s after the christening I drank tea (three glasses), ate smoked whitefish, had enough pressed caviar, drank three glasses of port wine, everything was fine; then he celebrated the wedding - cheerfully. After the wedding, I went to a house, drank two glasses of cold unstrained coffee and a glass of tea, and when I came home, I drank a tea cup of milk and ate a piece of pie; then he decided to study, unbuttoned, because the heat was overwhelming from the amount of liquid he drank. I slept well that night and got up early. I got diarrhea; I thought that would be the end of it. He served Matins very well. I read in the choir, but this burdened myself and weakened my stomach and upset my nerves. After Matins, severe diarrhea three times. He served Mass with extreme weakness; after mass I was completely exhausted; I began to feel languid, my head began to spin, and cold sweat appeared; death walked through my heart, I could not find a place for myself; He sat down on a chair, bowing, and then still with difficulty spoke exclamations and read the Gospel to the Mother of God. At the end of the service he went home. This is what excess drinking means. At Anna Nikolaevna Toluzakova’s I ate two slices of pie and drank coffee. And she didn’t notice about the immodest figurines. And who are they? Have I offended the Lord? Convert her, O Lord, and save her, like the harlot who anointed Your most pure nose [Lk. 7, 36 – 50 ]! The weather that day, October 15, was very bad: fog, silence, steam, then rain in the evening. Kings and priests are gods of the earth; they were given great power from God. Why do you humiliate and condemn them? They will give an answer to God for themselves. Don't be arrogant, but be afraid. However, speak the truth boldly if duty calls for it. Again the Lord took me from the gates of mortals and delivered me from death, although I was worthy of the beating of a mortal. Again in the Divine Mysteries I found life, healing, purification. I thank the Lord with all my heart for His ineffable mercy in giving me life and health again. October 17, seven o'clock in the morning. Clear, matinee 17. The most beautiful sun has risen! Glory to You, Creator, Almighty, Savior! Where pleasing the flesh and the world begins, service to the spirit and God immediately ceases, resistance to the spirit and God Himself begins, neglect of the soul, its needs, and the image of God in it; there they forget that the soul is in the image of God, that man has been redeemed by the priceless blood of the Son of God and must live not for himself, but for God, that a Christian is a member of Christ and a temple of the Holy Spirit [1 Cor. 6, 15, 19], heir of God and joint heir with Christ [Rom. 8, 17 ] that the Christian’s kingdom is not of this world, that he must philosophize on things above and not on earth [Col. 3, 2]. The servant of God, Hieromonk Joseph, taught me a lot. His speech is about Hieromonk Arseny (I have the card), how he asked the Right Reverend Varlaam a question: what do the words of the Apostle mean: do not be unreasonable, but know what is the will of God [Eph. 5, 17 ]; how the Right Reverend did not get into the thoughts of Father Arseny, he began to get angry, and Father Arseny said: where is humility, there is the will of God, where it is not, there is no will of God - and you, Right Reverend, are angry, where is your humility? Where is the will of God in you? - And me? I often get angry. My Angel's Day. Teach me, Lord, to imitate his pure, repentant life. Give me the grace not to eat meat for the purity and subtlety of my soul and body, for the heart becomes coarser and the body itself becomes heavy from meat food and gives in to the stench. God! Give me grace and strength to overcome my nature, my evil heart and to wish good to all enemies and all opponents, for behold, anger confuses and torments and oppresses me when I am angry with my sister-in-law Anna. The wrath of a man does not accomplish the righteousness of God [Jas. 1, 20], - grant me love for everyone, kindness, patience. Five o'clock in the evening. After mass there was a headache from a clogged stomach; I had a headache in the gymnasium; upon arriving home, he had dinner: he ate apples, grapes, a piece of pie, chicken, cream, pie, and drank tea; went to vespers; I had a severe headache in church; At the end of Vespers I came home, and I was relieved, it became much easier. Nature does not tolerate meat, and yesterday I ate meat and homemade soup after the all-night vigil. Oh, how great are my mental illnesses: pride, self-will, stubbornness, pride, envy and other passions! This day I was very upset with my wife and had a long quarrel with her because of her prohibitions not to eat apples, which are very useful for me. And great spiritual grief and misfortune happened to me: a great plague struck my soul, oppression, sorrow. I have offended the Spirit of God, the Spirit of peace and love. But I thank the infinite mercy of the Lord, who gave me tears of deep, sincere repentance, and healed my sores, and gave me peace. I also insulted the Lord and my neighbors - the beggars - with my anger and reproaches to them that they were lazy, although I myself am a lazy person and a parasite, and did not give them everything they needed, but only a small share, although I could have given more. Lord, heal my mental and physical ailments. The once enemies of the Jewish people, who had gathered against them in war, quarreled over the division of future booty and killed each other. And my wife and I quarreled over the apples given to me on Angel Day by Matryona Prokofievna Nazarova. I have sinned against the Lord! It's all because of the womb. O fierce tyrant! Oh, the power of the serpent in the belly! Most of all, the clergy of the Church need to have mutual peace and love in order to successfully do the work of God for which they are assigned, that is, to save the people entrusted to their care, preach the word of God, perform services and the Sacraments. I have come to bring down fire on the earth [Lk. 12, 49]. And this fire descended on the apostles on the day of Pentecost. Candles and lamps burn in churches and at home in front of icons. Is there a fire of love for God and neighbors in our hearts? Isn't it cold? Have we neglected each other? Aren't we just worrying about ourselves? If you feel coldness, hostility, or contempt towards any of your neighbors, know that these feelings are from the devil and immediately reject them and spew them out of your heart. So we sometimes feel coldness and hostility towards our own people, or towards our neighbors, or towards the beggars to whom we give alms, especially those who are ugly in appearance. Sin in thousands of forms tries to break into our soul. You need attention and attention! Sometimes it suggests itself in the form of voluptuousness, lustful pleasure or love of money, greed or profitable deception, in the form of ambition, pride, envy, in the form of panache, extravagance and partiality, hypocrisy, man-pleasing, or despondency, cowardice, fear and timidity, false shame, or negligence, laziness, disobedience, waywardness, disobedience, rudeness, insolence, blasphemy, unbelief and denial of all that is holy, or superstition, prejudice, or quarrelsomeness, contentiousness, conceit, suspicion, guile, treason and perfidy, flattery, deceit, despair, blasphemy and other sins! From all these and similar sins may the Lord deliver us all, who are called by His name and in words, His chosen flock. I thank the Lord, who has granted me to know what sin is, how disastrous it is for us in all its forms! I thank the Lord for our holy faith, which saves us daily from countless evils that sin produces in us. O holy faith, glory to you, glory to the most merciful Lord, who gave you to us! So today I was saved by faith, repentance, prayer from the greatest evils, from the destructive snares of the enemy! Thank the Lord! May my attachment to faith and to the Lord be confirmed. Faith and fear of God are extremely beneficial for a student. They give wonderful silence to all his mental powers and good direction to all his abilities; they shed a bright light on all his knowledge and encourage him to willingly engage in sciences that lead him to the source of all knowledge - to God; they attract the blessing or favor of God to him and win the hearts of all people with whom he has close relations. Joseph's example is familiar to everyone. The center of knowledge is the Lord. I thank the Lord, who made me worthy to perform the Divine Liturgy on August 19 and 20 without stumbling and to partake of the most pure, immortal and life-giving Mysteries for health, peace, purification, sanctification, space and peace of soul. Wonderful thing! As soon as you are forced to warm your soul with tenderness and tears of repentance, your spirit and body immediately revive, your voice becomes firmer, clearer, and louder; and when you are cold in spirit, you don’t have a strong voice. This happened today at mass and often happens during services. I thank the Lord, who gave me tenderness and tearful prayer during the all-night vigil in the Duma on October 21st and to sing in the sweetness of the stichera on the Lord I cried, on the stichera and on the praise and read the canon. At the end of the all-night vigil, I was cruelly tempted through a wallet placed in the closet in the altar. Standing at the throne, I saw that the watchman had gone into the closet, and this extremely confused and wounded me: the serpent of love of money cut into my heart and tormented me for a long time: out of embarrassment, I did not say the prayer to Christ, Light... correct our steps to the end and stole my release. Tell Father Archpriest about the altar watchman Nicholas as a thief, stealing our income from commemorations, and candles, and books, and umbrellas, and sacred clothes, belts, legguards, etc., from which his wife sews shoes and belts for herself. Faith gives a child's mind light, feelings tenderness, impressionability, morals quietness, meekness, restraint. The pagan Japanese borrowed from Christians all the useful institutions developed by Christian Science. Be imbued, children, with the Christian ideas of worship, the history of the Old and New Testaments and church history - they shed wonderful light on our condition and our purpose on earth and in eternity, on our entire relationship to other people, to society and to each other. Children! Those who practice the word daily, know with your mind and heart the beginningless, eternal, personal Word - the Son of God, who created everything with the word, like you and me, and holds all created things, including you, with His word; learn to reverence Him, love Him, please Him, just like you, brothers and comrades in teaching verbal sciences. For we all serve one Word, although in different forms, different sciences - may we all be united in one thought, in one word, in one spirit - in this trinity, unanimous and indivisible. We have a great responsibility to form young verbal beings, so that from them perfect creations of God, so beloved of God, who did not spare for their temporal, and even more eternal, His only begotten Son, are formed. If my sister-in-law is crafty, cunning, evil and proud, which, however, is not visible now and which, perhaps, prevails in me a hundredfold, then (if she is like that) it is evil for her, not for me: if she offends me, thank God for this, for I am worth the insults and grief, and if I am unjustly offended, then I have a reward from God. Why am I always angry? It is clear that passion is at work in me. And passions must be mortified. I have sinned against the Lord again! God! Grant me to always peacefully and lovingly look at my sister-in-law Anna, towards whom I have had enmity for so long. She is a woman like a woman, and even kind and respectful. I thank the Lord for the gift of the liturgy and for the most peaceful, life-giving, saving communion of the most pure Mysteries for soul and body. At the great entrance he became shy and stumbled in embarrassment. [Kozlyaninov] meant it, but was embarrassed. And she’s proud, at least that’s what it seemed to me. O foolish heart! He feels an unaccountable hostility towards some, and a stupid carnal affection towards others. All-night vigil for the Kazan holy icon. I remembered the healing of my deafness by the Most Pure Mother of God and was touched by my soul and glorified the Queen Theotokos. And in church - how much he helps at the litanies! And in the world! And every day at home and outside! No account! I thank the Lord for his wonderful grace given to me in the service of many prayers before the liturgy and after the liturgy, for the clear and sonorous voice, for the good service of the liturgy (if I can say), for the communion of the Divine Mysteries, which revived me, took away my natural sinful coldness and burned the sinful thorns with the fire of the Holy Spirit, especially gluttony and what [in it]. Thank you for your bold, clear, rare, emotional service of prayer on the clipper “Horseman” and at other prayer services; for the daring subsequent marriage ceremony, sensible, separate, loud - before the marriage [the enemy] embarrassed me very much, raped me, and at the beginning of the marriage too. The enemy in me constantly curses at me and at other people I meet; inspires me with absurdities, ignites or tries to ignite my heart with absurd lusts, wants to completely pervert me and people and make fun of us and the Lord, who created us in His image and likeness. Oh, the enemy does not sleep to our destruction, he constantly acts to our detriment, to our detriment, to all of us. Watch and pray [Matt. 26, 41]. Wednesday. Since the anger of a man does not accomplish the righteousness of God [Jas. 1:20], then I should not be angry about anything: whether those who live with me rob me, or whether my subordinates or those who live with me are faulty, or whether those who eat my bread are proud, angry, arrogant, self-willed. I myself am filled with countless sins, completely corrupted in my heart and in my body - with whom can I be angry, with whom can I open my mouth? I will leave to God the vengeance of my offenders, or so I say! “I will pray to God that He will forgive them and not make them a sin for their offenses against me, and if they act outrageously in my house, I will stop them with a meek word or move away from the outrageous ones.” By being angry or angry with my own people, I harm only myself; I have no peace, I am subject to sorrow and distress. I think of making those with whom I am angry fear me, but this does not happen - they look indifferently at my anger and laugh at it. Is it a matter of kindness as a lamb! It is always peaceful, calm, joyful. And until now I have not learned this Christian alphabet! Oh, damned one! What is my learning for? Why contentment in everything? Why health? Why good fame? Oh, the destructive breath of the devil! How it infected me! How difficult it is for me to free myself from it. Lord, teach me meekness and humility! It’s also yesterday’s sin of tearing the beggar’s hair and anger at him that is killing me within me. I repent, Lord, have mercy on me! There is nothing more absurd, more harmful and sinful than anger at one’s neighbor - and I become embittered, and even angry, and lose my temper because they notice to me that I am angry (Anna Konstantinovna). What malice and impatience! And how much suspicion, pride, fornication, envy, gluttony and greed I have! How one must despise oneself, hate oneself, reject oneself, and I - alas! I deeply love myself, my passionate flesh, I stand for it, for my passion, when someone takes up arms against them! I am a secret Pharisee, imagining to be a righteous man: otherwise why would I become embittered when they call me evil? Or because you don't want to be evil? - I won’t be like that. Oh, how passions drive me! How crowded! Why did I, in the morning, without sorting out the matter, become angry with Sister Anna as an offender, when she did not offend? You need to approach the matter calmly and prudently, impartially to both sides. And don’t trust any tears in the future. What hellish tightness and burden was in me before reconciliation! Lord Love for Mankind, I thank You, who performed wondrous miracles of reconciliation between me and my sister-in-law Anna Konstantinovna and her with me. I poured out my soul in a bitter and fiery prayer, so that the Lord Himself would reconcile with me my sister-in-law, who was angry with me, and me with her - and the Lord humbled and touched her: she came to me in peace, accepted the blessing, and I said to her: forgive me, glory to the Lord! God! I want to never again anger You with enmity. Grant me kindness and everlasting peace. October 24, 1873. Of my relatives, Christ the Lord, for I was baptized into Him, born of Him, justified by Him, enlightened, sanctified, washed, and I feed on His Flesh and Blood. Among my relatives, the Mother of God is dear to me, as the only Mother by the grace of all Christians, abundantly pouring out Her mercies on all Christians and on me. Among my relatives, the most dear to me are the holy apostles, through whom I believed in the Lord and received countless blessings of spiritual life; Among my relatives are saints, martyrs, saints, all saints. From 24th to 25th October. In the dream there was the most convincing suggestion not to sniff tobacco even as a joke. I thank the holy Guardian Angel; the admonition came as if from a priest, my brother-in-law, Father John Vetvenitsky; but from the beginning of the meeting there was him, and then - the same, but not the same. And how gluttony and pie-loving have been exposed! We came to Averky Vasilyevich Shaburin for a pie, but he was sick; the wife came out in negligee; everyone stands with obsequiousness: Father Paul, Father Deacon Peter Alexandrovich and many secular people are right there - and I’m right there. Oh, how we must protect our deified, sanctified, renewed nature from all sin! What are we doing? We drink and eat without measure for pleasure, and not for reinforcement; we give place in our heads and hearts to unclean thoughts and lusts; we envy, we are hostile, we are proud, we are angry with each other, we do not care about prayer, about learning in the word of God; We are lazy, we spend days and nights in empty affairs, we sleep for a long time, we indulge in fun, we do not care about repentance and tears. I offer all-hearted thanks to the Lord my God, who has vouchsafed me, indecent, the greatest mercy - serving the liturgy and communion of His most pure, immortal, heavenly, life-giving Mysteries; my soul, which instantly died in sins, came to life again, was cleansed, sanctified, renewed, strengthened, and with it my body was awarded the same gift - I felt this immediately after communion of the Holy Mysteries. There was an early mass in the Duma, from Sidorov. There was also Philip Stepanov, his wife and daughter, Sidorov’s mother-in-law, his wife. Strange behavior of Nikolai Grigorievich in church when he sees me: he hides his entire face. It was very difficult for me to serve. I thank the Lord, who saved me with a quick and wondrous salvation through the prayer of my repentance in the evening at nine o’clock, after I was furious with my wife for opening all the doors to my office. Crowding, confusion, grief, burning, dishonor, some kind of inflammation and incitement to evil suppressed me; I knelt down and prayed for heavenly mercy to heal, forgive, pacify me - and God had mercy on me. Glory to His long-suffering and mercy! Why don’t we change our hearts, our morals, our will, our lives? Because we are proud, voluptuous, and deceitful, we do not want to leave the belly to please, which inevitably entails various passions. We are to blame, but God, for His part, has given us all the strength for life and piety. I thank the revered and exalted God for his mercy towards me, a sinner, continued even to this day in the service of the Divine Liturgy and in the communion of the most pure, heavenly, life-giving and terrible Mysteries! For yesterday my Lord revived me, deadened by sin, by receiving the tears of my repentance. I had to serve many prayer services yesterday. Meat food, although it strengthens the body, produces laziness throughout the whole being, laziness in mental pursuits and in prayer. October 20th, 30th and 31st I thank the Lord, who blessed me with the communion of His Divine Mysteries, who revived me, killed by sin, who pacified me, who freed me from severe sins as a result of my repentance. I praise His endless goodness. I thank the Lord, who gave me the common prayer in the apartment of the servant of God Maria Arsenyevna. Don’t drink tea with quick crackers or rolls, and don’t drink milk either - it feels tight in the sides and chest, in the throat, and tightens the stomach. Brown bread is healthier. I thank You, Lord, for my double deliverance from my double anger and bitterness towards my wife for her false accusations and her unreasonable anger at me (justified, however, by me later by her zeal for the children), for deliverance from cramped conditions, sorrow, fire, and reproach. I humbly knelt before the Lord in repentance, and the Lord had mercy on me. For this I praise the Lord and am confirmed in faith and hope - oh, if only in love for Him! There is nothing more precious in the world than the blessings of love and peace - value them more than anything, more than all things, more than your honor, the comforts of life, external peace. The whole world is not worth the blessings of love and peace. That is why it is said: what good does it profit a man if he gains the whole world and loses his own soul? or what ransom will a man give for his soul? [Matt. 16, 26]. Today I was honored to give my boots to a beggar. May the Lord accept. Great is the name of the Holy Trinity! 18 When at night today (November 1st) I had pain in my right side from a rush of blood, then I baptized this place with faith in the Holy Trinity, life-giving, saying: Great is the name of the Holy Trinity, - and the pain immediately passed; the blood, like once the waves in the sea, settled in its place and did not bother me anymore. I thank the Lord for repeatedly granting me forgiveness of sins and peace, as well as my wife. Glory to the miraculous Lord in the inner world! The exclamation of the priest at the Divine Liturgy before the singing of the Lord's Prayer. “Collection of ancient liturgies of Eastern and Western, translated into Russian. Issues 1–5" was published by the Printing House of the Department of Appartments in 1874, 764 pp. Hymns at Matins at Polyeleos. Packs (Church Glav.) - again, again. Belial (Heb.) – lit.: insignificant, worthless. In the Bible, this word is applied to all depraved, wicked and evil people, but especially to Satan, as the main culprit of all wickedness and evil. Matinee - morning frost before sunrise, which occurs in spring and autumn. The exclamation of the priest during the rite of Panagia. You might be interested in: