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I thank the Lord, who made me worthy to serve in the Duma Church without fail at all three daily services and outside the city at Nizovtsov’s memorial service. At the funeral service at Bukol Baranov, at the end, due to the confusion from the people, he stumbled over the exclamation - he did not glorify the Life-giving Spirit, he missed it - but how painful it was. I was hurt for a long time! Science: henceforth, do not miss a single word that gives grace to the soul, and all the words of the Church are true life. Yesterday I became angry with a beggar boy for his persistence and repeated asking for alms. I thank my Lord with all my heart for His powers, now revealed in me, the accursed, during the daily services and during grave temptations from invisible evil spirits; I thank you for your hasty obedience, Lord, and for your sovereign protection and salvation. Let us sing and praise Your strength! Avdotya Gavrilovna Alexandrova, from the grace of God that was in me, and from prayer to the Heavenly Father for her healing, last night after my departure, she felt relief and joy and today she felt good. I visited her today and drank tea with strawberry jam for the glory of God and for the pleasure of the sinful body. It was in vain that the devil incited me to attack the reader: he was innocent of what I suspected him of. I thank the Lord, who blessed me from above and strengthened me to perform without fail the three daily services: Matins, the Presanctified Liturgy without a deacon, and Compline. May my Lord not forsake me even in the last 15. Glory to Thee, Lord! Help, Lord, to successfully cast a spell and expel demons from Your verbal creation N... in Your name, with Your authority and to join the Catholic Charles, a [post office] minister, to Your Holy Church. I thank the Lord, who has made me worthy to serve Him even today, with few stumbles from the enemy. I thank the Lord, who vouchsafed me to perform the morning service and to join the Catholic Karl Savitsky, whose successor was Postmaster Alexander Myakotin, to the Orthodox Church. At Matins, the enemy stopped me at the small litanies, preventing me from glorifying the Queen Theotokos; stopped in prayer to Christ, the true Light; due to inner weakness I could not overcome confusion and doubt. Note. When there is an unpleasant burning sensation and weakness in the body, it means that scrofulous matter has accumulated in me and is close to the end. This happened today: in the morning scrofulous matter flowed from the right ear. It became easier. (Red cranberry jelly with almond milk is a healthy thing.) Yesterday, March 4th, in the evening after Vespers, I read incantatory prayers over the servant of God Evdokia, the sister of the merchant Ephraim Ermilov. I'm waiting for God's mercy. Hope does not put you to shame [Rom. 5, 5]. With all my soul I thank my Lord, who has deigned to strengthen me with the grace of His Holy Spirit to perform the Divine Liturgy of the Presanctified Gifts and to read without stumbling the prayers of St. Ephraim the Syrian and the prayer behind the pulpit, for the ethereal enemies were extremely treacherous over me when reading these prayers, stealing words from them so as not to allow me to speak, and with extreme malice, stopping my mind, heart and lips. I thank the Lord, who granted me His grace to confess one hundred and eighty-four people from two to nine and a half hours (other fathers had two hundred and forty people, Father Paul, two hundred and twenty people). Help, Lord, to perform all the services now for Thy glory, with great strength, without stumbling, especially the early Divine Liturgy, to receive communion and for Thy people to receive communion. Fasting is a good teacher: it 1) quickly makes it clear to everyone who fasts that every person needs very little food and drink and that in general we are greedy and eat and drink much more than what is proper, that is, what our nature requires; 2) fasting has a beneficial effect on, or reveals, all the infirmities of our soul, all its weaknesses, shortcomings, sins and passions, just as muddy standing water that begins to clear itself reveals what reptiles are found in it or the quality of rubbish; 3) he shows us the necessity of running to God with all our hearts and seeking His mercy, help, and salvation; 4) fasting shows all the cunning, deceit, all the malice of the disembodied spirits with whom we previously, unknowingly, worked, whose cunning, when we are now illuminated by the light of God’s grace, is clearly revealed and who now viciously persecute us for leaving their ways. All bodies of nature gravitate towards the center of the earth, and all human souls naturally strive towards their spiritual center, or the original principle - God; only sin has perverted and perverts this natural direction. Fire and smoke gravitate toward elements akin to them. In vain, it seems to me, yesterday I attacked the children of the 7th grade: they were simply looking for solutions to their perplexities. Forgive me, Lord! It was hard for me for a long time. Your soul is looking for true life, food akin to itself: food for the mind - truth, for the heart - peace and bliss, for the will - normal direction, or legality; go to church - it will give you all this in abundance, it has all this in abundance. She is the pillar and affirmation of truth (1 Tim. 3:15), because in her is the word of God, showing the beginning of all things, the beginning of the human race, the creation of man in the image and likeness of God, his fall, his restoration through the Savior of men, the means to salvation: faith, hope, love. She brings us peace and bliss through her worship and especially the Sacraments; she cries: Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest [Matt. 11, 28 ]; it teaches us the true path, which our will must unswervingly follow and which will lead us to eternal life. This is the path of God's commandments. The day of March 6th, Saturday of the Week of the Cross, is remarkable for the extreme, fierce sorrow I endured during matins and early mass in the Duma Assumption Church, which completely suppressed my soul and body. My soul was sorrowful to the point of death. The temptations, attacks, insolence, violence of ethereal enemies seemed to have reached their extreme limit; there was no help; I cried out to God, but He forsook me for my sins, as it seemed. The enemy made fun of me, beating me on the small litanies during the commemoration of the Most Holy Theotokos and the saints, not allowing me to pronounce the words and glorify the Most Glorified One from all generations. Oh, demonic malice! How big it is! Then he urged me through fear and oppression and powerlessness of heart at the special litany and then at the prayer: Christ, the true Light. I was upset by the fault of the altar watchman and partly the sexton, who read and sang absurdly. My grief and grief were boundless. But why was there a special tendency to sorrow and temptation? Because after lengthy labors of confession and a long period of not eating, I ate a pie with cabbage and mushroom soup at home with gusto, and drank quite a bit of almond milk and a glass of tea - in a word, I dined with some excess and soon went to bed. He cowardly ran away from the beggar boys who begged for alms a second time so as not to hear their voices. And the Lord turned away from me. It is well said: do not turn your face away from the beggar [Sir. 4:4], and the face of God will not turn away from you. I got up early in the morning, at three o’clock, and this was partly the reason for the irritation. There is no need to eat at night after work. My grief was a punishment for greed, and perhaps the guilt of the spiritual children whom I absolved from their sins and who were admitted to communion by me without merit, and of the people who were in the church, weighed heavily on me. The cross of abandoning God was heavy. I thank the Lord, who soon saved me from the violence of sin inside my heart, only I cried out: Lord, my parent, save me! - Immediately the sin was taken away and peace was established in the heart. Seeing burning candles and lamps in the church, ascend in thought from the fire of the material to the immaterial, the fire of the Holy Spirit - our God is a scorching fire; Seeing, smelling fragrant incense, your thoughts flow to the spiritual fragrance of the Holy Spirit: we are Christ’s fragrance to God (2 Cor. 2:15), equally, in [opposite], to the spiritual stench, which is sin, and try to be filled with the fire of the Holy Spirit and drive away the coldness of the heart, which comes from the devil, from the flesh and from the world, and smell the fragrance before God virtues: meekness, humility, kindness, obedience, abstinence, chastity, patience, etc., avoiding the stench of passions: malice, envy, pride, disobedience, intemperance, fornication, etc. The voice of church readings, songs, prayers and prayers is the voice of our souls, poured out from the consciousness and feeling of our spiritual needs and needs; this is the voice of all humanity, aware and feeling its poverty, its wretchedness, its sinfulness, the need for a Savior, the need for thanksgiving and glorification for countless blessings and endless perfections. These prayers and songs are wonderful! Breath of the Spirit of God! With what and in what is Belial drowning us? In our own intemperance, like our first forefathers (christening at the official Sizov in Ilarionov’s house near the theater); I drank quite a bit of coffee at the Semyonovs’ – Olga Ivanovna’s. I started to sweat a lot during the christening. There is a strong wind outside. Heat: everything melts as if from fire. March 7. Resurrection. Early mass with matins. Because of my zeal for singing, today I was subjected to a strong temptation from Satan: I was wounded by indignation and dislike for the sexton and therefore was extremely embarrassed: I could not properly say the great release and prayer to Christ, the true Light. It is obvious that I do not yet have true Christian love, that because of my brother’s faults, disorders and misdeeds I become irritated and embittered with him, for love is never irritated; no matter what mess anyone makes, she is always meek in the strictest sense and never harbors enmity towards anyone. During the Liturgy of St. Basil the Great, while reading the secret prayer, while singing About You, the enemy, with the subtlest thoughts and an unkind, self-loving movement of the heart regarding the future well-being of the church and future ministers and parishioners (so that it would only be good with me), strongly confused, cooled and constrained me, so that with barely a prayer of the heart I could snatch out this movement of the heart, this confusion, cooling, this cramped conditions. At the prayer service, the enemy stumbled while reading the Gospel of the Mother of God - he tore out the words. In the evening, at Sizov’s christening, the official was terribly embarrassed, embarrassed, and put to shame by his anger towards the wife of the school housekeeper, Alexander Pavlovich, who seemed to me proud and contemptuous in her treatment of me (which means that I am proud and ambitious, that I was offended by the disrespect), while her manner is such, with the consciousness of her dignity; Satan attacked me so much that in some places I became at a dead end and could not read. I forgot the words of the Apostle: do not repay evil for evil (1 Pet. 3:9; Rom. 12:17), and the Savior: if you love those who love, what grace is there for you... if you kiss your friends only, what are you doing that is wrong compared to the pagans? If you give back (hello), do you expect to receive from them, what grace is there for you? 5, 47; OK. 6, 32, 34 – 35]. Do not trust in the future the enemy who incites you, and do not listen to him. What is the woman's fault? Absolutely nothing, just like she is innocent, at the sight of whom the devil arouses lust in me. Here is the truth that I learned from experience today: in the evening I don’t need to eat, but only have dinner. The Lord gave me the greatest, inalienable wealth - His image and likeness, He gave me Himself, as it is said: He gave ecu wealth to those who fear You, Lord! [Ps. 60, 6]. What earthly wealth do I need after this? What honor? There is no greater honor than to be a Christian and a member of Christ, a child of God in Christ; there is no one richer than the person who always carries Christ and His grace in his heart. What do we have in heaven? and what did You want on earth? Gone [Russian: faints] my heart and my flesh, O God of my heart, and my portion, O God, forever [Ps. 72; 25–26]. And we are greedy, we collect, we skimp, we are proud, we envy. What a misconception! Nonsense! Human! Be rich in God: everything will be added to you from God. Everything great and noble and rich on earth, and all of us, are like corpses before God, according to the word of Christ; leave it to the dead to bury their dead [Matt. 8, 22; OK. 9, 60]. Therefore, there is no need for a servant of the living God to fawn over the rich, noble, and learned, or to be embarrassed by their presence in church or at home during services and prayers. One God is endless life and the Lord of all the living and the dead. We especially need to remember all this when we surround the coffin of the deceased. Here, at the grave, all earthly greatness and nobility disappears and man becomes what he is - dust and vanity. Today I sent money (25 rubles) to Father Superior of the Verkolsk monastery in Pinega, Father Theodosius, to return what he gave to my mother for the journey; I still owe 6 rubles to St. Petersburg, for my mother; and gave the peasant Evdokim 5 rubles for the journey. As soon as I sent it, I was invited to a memorial service for Komarovskaya (Alexandra, who died of stomach cancer). Tune, the Lord gives me everything. I thank the Lord. “But take away the yoke of Belial from Men.” The sovereign is called sovereign even after death, during commemoration, which means that noble people should be called bolyars when praying for the repose of their souls. I sinned before the Lord: I sadly gave alms to sick beggars. The omission of a prayer or some words in prayers, as well as rage against the poor, is a rebellion of the devil and mine against the Lord of glory, mercy, generosity and philanthropy. We must speak the words of prayers loudly when the devil forces us to remain silent through false fear and fear. And every sin is rebellion, insolence against the Lord. Therefore, fear sin like fire, like a deadly poison. The sign of the cross by a priest or bishop is an announcement of the blessing or favor of God to people in Christ and for the sake of Christ. What a joyful, significant, touching ceremony! Blessed are all who receive this blessing with faith! How attentive priests should be when giving blessings to the faithful! Let them call on My name on the children of Israel, and I [the Lord] will bless them [Num. 6, 27]. I thank the Lord, who saved me from the deceit of the devil through my prayer before uttering a cry for the repose of the noblewoman Alexandra (Komarovskaya), the servant of God. I thank the Most Holy Theotokos, who heard me quickly and graciously saved me with Her power. I cheerfully uttered an exclamation that earlier in the afternoon at two o’clock I could not utter due to incomprehensible timidity. March 9. 11 pm. Let us sing and sing, O Lord, of Thy strength, O Lord of hosts! You ecu resurrection, and life, and peace... Before Who are you standing and saying these words?.. Before the Chief of the life of all. Aren't we all dust?.. Isn't God the only great, omnipotent, eternal? Speak the doxology solemnly and joyfully... Are you afraid of the mighty of this world? But aren’t the sons of this age more proud?.. Satan shot and killed me again today with doubt, absurd apprehension and fear at the funeral service at General Komarovsky’s when he uttered the exclamation: for Thou art the resurrection... as he sometimes killed when uttering the exclamation in church and in the houses of the Most Holy, Most Pure... When reprimanding the word of the bolyaryn, I doubted... This means, on the contrary, the enemy needs to be reprimanded, because failure to pronounce, doubt, to pronounce kills. Do you want to avoid spiritual death?.. Speak undoubtedly, boldly, firmly. Why has timidity before the mighty of the earth led me hitherto?.. To the spiritual murder of myself. Oh, how necessary courage is, especially in the work of God. Yes, I remember Saint Basil the Great, the pillar of the Church. For four whole hours I suffered this day because of a momentary cowardice, a momentary victory of the evil one. What abuse! What machinations of the adversary! I visited the director or, better yet, the director’s wife: he was asleep. At first there was no warmth and sincerity: I cried (teared) from the feeling of my spiritual poverty - and the sincerity of compassion for the sick appeared as the fruit of grace. Sincere condolences are always needed for everyone, even a great sinner, for example, a money lover, a drunkard, or an enemy. This is true Christianity. March 10, 1871. Wednesday of the 5th week. I sometimes have the habit of carelessly and indignantly throwing monetary alms to the beggars on the ground, rather than handing them into their hands. But what if someone threw money at me with carelessness and indignation? How would I take it? Would I accept such a gift? Probably wouldn't take it. But gentle and humble beggars will not be offended by such neglect and pick up what I throw, picking it up with gratitude. Do I really insult Christ, my Savior, by my very alms? Give, it is said, in simplicity, give with good intentions, not with grief or coercion; for God loves a cheerful giver (2 Cor. 9:7). And I often give with sorrow, forcedly, reluctantly. I have sinned against the Lord. De mortuis aut bene, aut nihil. It is better to praise the dead than to scold them. March 11, temptation in a dream due to fish-eating, especially voluptuousness (yesterday I ate quite a bit of homemade lingonberry jam). I slept through the standing of Mary of Egypt and the canon of St. Andrew of Crete. And in the dream, the enemy imagined that my mother and I came to church very early, the people had gathered, but Father Matthew was gone. Finally Ivan Alex. Pesotsky began the service with a memorial service... Meanwhile, my mother was not at home, did not spend the night, was visiting, and I was in bed; Father Matthew had been serving the Lord for a long time. The enemy does everything inside out. Oh, how I anger the Lord with voluptuousness and intemperance! For forty days the deceased Alexandra Iosifovna (Komarovskaya) did not eat anything and lived on the savings that were in her body from previous meals. A sick person has lived so long, especially since a healthy person can’t go without food for several days?.. And we eat and drink every day during Lent, and even indulge in voluptuousness. Is it in vain that we read the Trisagion and Our Father and other morning and evening prayers several times every day? Through them, aren’t we cleansed from our sins, our defilements, aren’t we delivered from temptations, troubles and circumstances? Is the image of the sign of the cross in vain? Oh, no: it constantly acts, beneficially on us and on those on whom we depict it with faith, especially the priestly blessing. So, let us continually praise the mercy and power of our Lord Jesus Christ, who listens to us and saves us, unworthy, by His mercy, for the sake of His holy name. March 11th, 1871. It has been tested many times that the more generous the alms, the more generous the reward from God in this life, not to mention the future; the reward is fivefold and tenfold soon. If so, then why do I get angry and worried when I have to give a lot of alms? Does almsgiving bring poverty? Is it hard to give?.. But wickedness, but envy, but love of money, lust! This is what makes it difficult to give alms, for which nothing should be easier. And I also call with bitterness and annoyance these little scoundrels, scoundrels - these little ones, whom the Angels... in heaven always see the face of My Heavenly Father [Matt. 18, 10 ]? These true 17 members of Christ? I have sinned before God and am perplexed by the answer. Lord, have mercy! Consider it an honor and pleasure to give back to God, be patient, give in simplicity and with meekness, without malice and zeal, without stinginess, with affection from the heart - and you will receive deep mercy from God, who looks at our hearts and all our deeds. Remember how much you receive daily from the Lord Tune! All the words of the Church are great words, but these words: for You are the resurrection, and life, and peace, etc., which serve as such a great consolation for our mortal race and constitute the hope of Christians, seem to be especially great. Therefore, it is necessary to pronounce them with special force, with special emphasis. When I pray for people, I experience a kind of pangs of birth (pains of spiritual birth): it is hard for me, I am cramped, depressed and cannot bear spiritual pain: I suffer both for my own sins and for those of others, for spiritual fathers bear the burden of the sins of spiritual children. But thanks be to God for these torments, for they serve to cleanse souls, enlightenment, and affirmation. Everything comes from God, who arranges everything wisely. Alas! How sometimes I am not ready, due to the poverty and corruption of my heart, to pray sincerely for my neighbors, for the living and the dead, and I need to pray a lot to the Lord and ache in my soul for myself in order to get rid of this heartfelt coldness and dryness, insincerity, petrified insensibility and pray for others with fervor. Oh, the holy fire of the Holy Spirit, sent down on the apostles! Always ignite our hearts in prayer, may it always be fiery, may it always burn the thorns of our passions and our earthly addictions, and with fiery love for God and for each other we pray to Him for each other. When I was young and inexperienced in spiritual matters, I considered the blessings of this world to be great; but when I became a man and was tempted in everything, I learned that the blessings of this world are insignificant in the proper sense of the word and that the only treasure of my heart, my life, my eternal, infinite good, is God. O holy faith! With what words, with what songs will I glorify you for the countless benefits for my soul and body that you have given me, for all the powers that you have performed and continue to perform in me, for the blessings of peace and the removal of confusion, for the blessings of freedom with the removal of bitter oppression, for the blessings of spiritual light with the driving away of the darkness of passions, for the blessings of courage with the withdrawal of cowardice and fear, for the blessings of spiritual power and spiritual greatness with the removal of sinful slavery and baseness of spirit, for the blessings of the holy with the removal of sinful impurity, for the removal of malice, envy, self-will and stubbornness, covetousness, fornication and all sinful corruption. Glory to Thee, my benefactor God, forever and ever. Be known, O Lord, in Thy faith to all Thy people and to all the tribes of the earth, that they may all glorify Thee with one mouth and one heart, from the east of the sun to the west. Wake up, wake up! March 12, 1871, 11 am. (After evening prayer and reading the canon to the Life-giving Cross of the Lord.) “Be strong and take courage, Polycarp,” was the voice from above to the holy martyr Polycarp of Smyrna 18 . I also need encouragement, for the proud demons who fight me have multiplied, and there is no helper against them except God alone - but because of my sins, God also evades me, leaves me, sometimes abandons me to my weakness. I thank the Lord, who in the power of His fortress crushed the great, subtle, evil machinations of the ethereal enemy over me, which he weaved over me during the cathedral liturgy in the arena during the Komarovskaya funeral, especially before the reading of the prayer behind the pulpit. I read this prayer before a large and prominent, noble assembly separately, firmly, loudly, except for the words: Thy saint... The exclamation at the memorial service was also pronounced with boldness, except for the word bolyaryn. Warm your heart with the Holy Spirit, and the evil one will flee, but in a cold heart he makes his nest. It’s always the same story: grave temptations and kindlings from the enemy during the service of God and especially the liturgy - and great joy and purification after the service, completed safely with God’s help. So, do not be discouraged and do not despair, but be strong and take courage. During Matins, the enemy extremely inflamed me with enmity against Father Matthew, who seemed to respond to my greetings with disdain, although I myself did not diligently greet him. I prayed to the Lord for a long time, falling to the throne, and barely freed myself from the spirit of hostility. At the akathist I could not utter many words due to the influence of the spirit of malice. The reason, I think, is that the day before I ate twice, and sweetly. God! Thou hast lifted me up into the earthly heavens, bringing me closer to Thy throne to stand before Thy verbal sheep—to live heavenly in this world below. From now on, I don’t eat fish until Easter (Saturday of the 5th week of Lent) and I consume as little sweets as possible. I suffer a lot for voluptuousness. Saturday of the 5th week of Lent. All-night vigil. He served with a good feeling in the grace of God, but at the prayer of Christ, the true Light, due to the action of the enemy, he stumbled, doubted and could not read, although he began twice. I think the reason the enemy overcame me was that I ate quite a lot of fish soup made from white fish and white fish itself, drank coffee after dinner, and before the all-night vigil I drank a glass of almond milk and ate an apple. This means that God handed me over to the enemy for gluttony and delicacy. It was not God, not people, that caused my fall, but myself. Akathists express wonderful Divine contemplations of holy Christian souls. With a triumphant spirit, these akathists must be read separately, in a chant, so that every word can be clearly heard by everyone. Let me sing to You with love: Alleluia. What opposites and changes are fast! In the 1st week of fasting it was impossible to keep warm from the severe frosts, and at the end of the 5th week it became already hot at home in a cassock with light cotton wool from the heat outside. Four degrees Celsius. The earth is the Lord's, and its fullness, the universe and all who live on it [Ps. 23, 1]. Speak this to encourage yourself. The church meeting is for you, and not against you along with demons, therefore, always be bold in the church, even if the church is full: do not be afraid of the multitude of all people, but rejoice in it and thank the Lord. The priest must be courageous, and before the robbers he must not show fear and cowardice, for God protects His servant: His angel commanded you, to keep you in all your ways [Ps. 90, 11]. Standing in the middle of the church, I swallow a lot of dust, and this upsets my weak nerves and lowers my spirit. March 14. Sunday of the 5th week (the 6th begins). I begin to get angry with the beggars a lot, which means that the passion of covetousness in me grows and intensifies, and does not diminish, is not uprooted, and love for my neighbors does not increase, but decreases. I must remember that extreme need drives the beggars to me, and not a whim, not a prank. Sunday of the 5th week of Lent. Late liturgy. I thank the Lord with all my soul, for He did not disgrace me, but comforted me with His heavenly help and with peace, clear consciousness and ardent feeling He granted me to perform the Divine Liturgy of Basil the Great and to partake of His Divine Mysteries without condemnation. Oh, how peaceful, happy, divine I was after the liturgy and during the service of three prayer services in the homes of parishioners and at home with my family! It was for me a day of renewal, a day of joy, my Easter! Glory and thanksgiving to the Lord! And before the liturgy and during the proskomedia I felt sorrow, the oppression of the enemy! Glory to the Lord, the conqueror of hell! It was not in vain that I prayed to the Lord and St. Basil the Great for a worthy celebration of the Liturgy! The linen gets dirty and is washed to make it white as snow. Our immortal soul is blackened by sins, and the Lord, as in washing, cleanses it with waters - tears of repentance, or exposes the vessel of the body to decay, so that in it, as in lye, he cleanses it, whitens it like snow. So, death is not terrible for a true Christian. We must all hurry to the land of immortality from this land of decay and sorrow. March 15. Monday of the 6th week of Lent. Matins (the next service). My gluttony and gluttony at a party and at home punished me severely and painfully today (at home I shouldn’t have eaten pie or fish or drunk tea). The enemy almost drowned me in my belly; strong confusion took possession of me, and I could hardly speak the litany. Only strong, intense secret prayer saved me and constant falling with faith at the throne of grace. Oh, how I have angered the Lord with my gluttony! In general, I do everything opposite to what I sing and read and say in church! How long is this slavery to sin? Slavery to the womb? (Pies are very harmful.) In the morning today I felt a strong tightness and burning sensation in my sides, which went away after I ate an apple before evening in the store of Ivan Timofeevich Sidorov; Probably my stomach was strengthened and scrofula was fighting. In the evening, at 10 o’clock, it began to snow, which meant that even before the weather changed, I felt ill. I often wish for changes to the elder brethren of the church under whom I serve, but will the new ones be better? God knows. People are not Angels. Let us give ourselves and each other and our whole life to Christ our God. Today I prayed to the Lord that He Himself would choose an elder for His church according to His heart. I will wait for the Lord and be patient with the Lord; I'll see what happens. But I am sure that I will not be ashamed and will glorify the Lord, who fulfills our good desires. I will wait for the end of my eldest brothers: what will happen to them, what will be the end of them and their deeds. Evening of March 15, 1871. Ten and a half o'clock in the evening. The Lord has been continuously for several years now (fifteen) miraculously multiplying in my hands the bread, or money, distributed to the poor, so that I, my wife and my relatives are abundantly fed, and the poor have enough. And there are some excesses. I must remember the miracle of the Lord feeding five thousand people with five loaves and two fish. It repeats itself to me all the time. God bless! I almost didn’t eat until evening yesterday, and that’s why it was easy for me to serve; the enemy did not tempt me, did not succeed in temptation - fasting gave me strength. May I learn to fast and eat once a day in moderation. March 16. Tuesday. I thank the Lord for the great help and mercy shown to me this day during the service of Matins and the Hours - for the service without stumbling, in power and truth, as I prayed to the Lord for this before the service in the morning in prayer at home and in church, standing at the throne of God and falling before it. Malnutrition and fasting impart the grace of God to man. For rich people, life passes as if in a dream, in constant charm 19 and deception of the senses. Many practicing doctors, who receive a lot of money from patients for free, must give generous alms for their souls if they believe that they have an immortal soul; rich priests, receiving generous rewards for their prayerful labors, should also give rich alms, so that they will not be condemned with Judas the traitor, who sold the Lord of glory for silver. Merchants who receive large profits must certainly practice almsgiving and decorating and supplying the churches of God; officials who receive large salaries should also not consider generous rewards for their feasible labors to be their exclusive asset, and also remember their poor brethren, may they receive a reward from the Lord and may they purify their souls. Everyone must stock up on the oil of alms and good deeds, lest they appear naked before the Judge on the day of the terrible trial, lest they appear naked in that worldwide disgrace 20 . For some people, the spiritual atmosphere that surrounds and penetrates them is very heavy, so that our soul seems to suffocate in it, coming into contact with them, while for others it is very light, and is easily felt in their presence, as if in the fresh air! This is what I noticed and felt many times! Does the fumes and stench from hot foods go into the living room of fasting people on fasting days? No, during Lent there is no smoke or stench - the air is clean. And when different roasts and different soups are prepared from the meat of animals, birds and fish, is there any smoke? - Enough. This is what happens in the body and soul when a person takes animal food: and in his body and soul some kind of fumes spread from the swallowed animal food, which does not happen when eating lean food in moderation - then the soul becomes clear. Wednesday. During Matins I felt quite heavy from excess in food and drink (slept rather restlessly at night); however, he performed Matins safely, with the help of God and the Queen of Heaven. He also completed the Hours and Vespers safely. But at mass I was greatly tempted due to impatience and haste, and my thoughts hurried to class. When Deacon Peter Al. I read a lot of commemorations, I could not resist and went up to the royal doors, through them I said quite loudly to the guard (and to the deacon): stop, and I myself became embarrassed and agitated; the exclamation said without the names of the deceased. From this place I could not serve calmly, I was confused and endured the Holy Gifts without being calm (I sinned); the evil hunter caught me and nested inside me, confusing and crowding my insides, and did this until the end of mass, arousing anger in my heart against the deacon; received communion without tenderness and warmth of heart; I read the prayer behind the pulpit not fluently and with some words missing; the enemy pressed on the heart: the weather helped; He taught the blessing of the Lord to the people restlessly; the dismissal also spoke restlessly and in cramped conditions, missed the holy apostles Andrew the First-Called and Peter and Paul, St. Cyril of Jerusalem, St. Alexander Nevsky, Alexy the man of God; The crowding continued until the evening, until about seven o’clock, until I drank a glass of coffee after the christening in [Kolonova’s] house in Vysokaya Street. Then it became easier. God commands me to work, the bee to collect honey, the cow to produce milk and butter for me and to give me the meat itself; he commands the waters to produce countless kinds of fish for me, he commands the silkworm to spin for me, he gave me birds; I commanded the earth, air, water to serve me - how can I not love the Creator, not fulfill His blessed commandments? Theaters and clubs are appointed by the world in order to distract Christians from the Church of God and from the Kingdom of God and enslave them to themselves (the world), so that little by little they forget God, heaven, their soul and become the prey of hell. It is dangerous to go to theaters and clubs. They are a specious trap of an ethereal enemy. Let the Christian beware of it, let him zealously adhere to the Church of God. Theaters and clubs have not saved anyone yet. Lutheranism and paganism are increasingly eating into our lives. In practice, fasting is completely rejected by learned people. You, Lady, as a good genius, help me everywhere in good things and deliver me from evil. I thank the all-merciful Queen. Oh, with what fury did the ethereal villain attack me yesterday during the Presanctified Liturgy! How hard and bitter it was for me! How the light of the eyes of my heart and even my body disappeared! This is for voluptuousness and satiety! You must eat once a day during Lent! (The air in Marya Matfeevna’s apartment was also sick; the cold north wind and snowy weather.) Saint Alexy, a man of God, ate once a week. And how easy it is for me, how healthy I am, especially when I eat once a day in the evening, at five or six o’clock or later, or at seven o’clock, like yesterday, March 17th. Go to the world Shebunin. I marvel, on the one hand, at the immeasurable benevolence of the Lord, who created man in His own image and likeness, endowed him with reason and free will and all sorts of talents, subjugated the whole earth to him, redeemed him from curse and eternal death, deified him by His incarnation; on the other hand, I marvel beyond measure at the extreme ingratitude and willful blindness of a person who forgets his Benefactor, his high dignity and purpose and madly clings to earthly, perishing goods, enslaving Belial and the passions that come from him: malice, pride, envy, fornication, covetousness and intemperance, delicacy, drunkenness and other passions, and falling below dumb animals solely by their corrupted will. After this, I do not marvel at the eternal torment and eternal rejection from God of unrepentant sinners, for this is worthy and righteous before God: whoever tramples on infinite goodness, infinite means for conversion, repentance and correction, infinitely great measures for salvation, nothing remains as an inheritance but eternal torment - he deserves it. I leave my own burden behind and take on someone else’s. This is what happens to me: I forget to cry about my many sins, but I worry about the sins of others. I thank the Lord, who saves me from overeating through great activity and little stay at home. Otherwise, I would have long ago acquired a disease in the womb, a stone, and, perhaps, would have died. The Lord has shown and continues to show me many good deeds. Glory to His all-good, wise, all-powerful, vigilant Providence! The Lord shepherds me and will deprive me of nothing. In a green place, there they settled me, on the calm water of the grace of the Holy Spirit they raised me. Convert my soul, guide me on the paths of righteousness, for Thy name's sake [Ps. 22, 1–3]. When I eat an extra meal, like yesterday, when I ate three times a day, then it becomes difficult for me: my stomach becomes clogged, my voice becomes unclean, I have difficulty pronouncing words, especially when I eat quite a lot of mealy foods: peas, oatmeal jelly or rolls. You need to eat once a day. Speak out your iniquities, so that you may be justified. Just as Satan did not and does not spare us, teaching and inciting us to commit all kinds of lawlessness, so we will not spare him and ourselves, sincerely admitting our iniquities. Let us remember that Christ came into the world to save sinners. The Doctor has come—let us not hide our illnesses, but let us boldly reveal them to Him. Because of our sinful corruption, we abhor in man that which is not at all vile, and we do not disdain in ourselves and in others that which is truly vile. (We have committed every sin imaginable, we have committed thousands of different sins.) We are afraid of what and where we should not be afraid, and we are not afraid of what and where we should be afraid. Expose the flattery of sin publicly without any mercy in the prayers of repentance before communion and in sermons, so that people will be ashamed and afraid of their sins. I thank the Lord, who helped me confess yesterday, Friday in the 6th week of Lent, one hundred and forty-seven people. Correct them, Lord, and join me with them, a great sinner. Grant them to partake without condemnation of Your Holy Divine, life-giving and terrible Mysteries. The Lord is my substitute for all wealth, for He is treasure and inexhaustible wealth; He is my most perfect beauty, the source of all created beauty; He is my holy sweetness, He is my glory; He replaces all the blessings of this world for me. During Matins on Lazarus Sunday, I felt strong slander from 21 enemies, especially at the end of Matins; before the liturgy and during the liturgy I also felt the extreme closeness of the enemy, especially at the great entrance, before communion, during and after communion; but when I began to give communion to the laity, then the grace of God stopped the slander and violence of the enemy and gave me tenderness, freedom and peace. After mass, Nikolai Timofeevich Alexandrov served a prayer service with peace, freedom and animation. I thank the Lord, the conqueror of hell. I thank His immeasurable compassion, which forgives me my iniquities. I thank my all-holy, all-good and all-wise Mother - the Church of God, who guides me savingly in this temporary life and educates me for heavenly citizenship; I thank her for all the orders of prayer, worship, Sacraments and rituals; I thank her for the fasts, which are so beneficial for me spiritually and physically (for through them I am healthy in spirit and body, calm, cheerful, light. Without fasting, it would be extremely difficult for me, as was experienced not during fasting). I thank my immaculate Mother - the Church of God, who delights me with her heavenly service, who delights my grief and spirit, who enlightens my mind with heavenly truth, who shows me the paths of eternal life, who delivers me from violence and dishonor of passions, who makes my life blessed. The whole world, heaven and earth and everything in them, the sea and everything in it, is an outpouring of the infinite goodness of God, His mind and infinite strength and power, goodness to the creatures whom He created for joy and bliss, especially goodness to the human race. The world is a mirror of the goodness and reason, wisdom and power of God. So, we must cleave not to the world, but to God. What do I have in heaven, and what do I desire on earth from You? My heart and my flesh are gone, O God of my heart, and my portion, O God, forever [Ps. 72, 25 – 26]. It is necessary for a Christian to fast in order to clarify the mind and arouse and develop feelings and move the will towards good activities. These are three human abilities that we overshadow and suppress most of all (most of all) by overeating and drunkenness and the worries of life, and through this we fall away from the source of life - God and fall into corruption and vanity, perverting and desecrating the image of God in ourselves. Gluttony and voluptuousness nail us to the ground and cut off, so to speak, both its wings and tail from the soul. And look how high all the fasters and abstinents flew! They, like eagles, soared in the skies, they, earth-born, lived with their minds and hearts in heaven and heard inexpressible verbs there and learned from Divine wisdom there. And how a person humiliates himself with gluttony, gluttony and drunkenness! He perverts his nature, created in the image of God, and becomes like dumb cattle, and even becomes worse than him. Oh, woe to us from our addictions, from our lawless habits! They prevent us from loving God and neighbor and fulfilling God’s commandments; they root in us criminal carnal selfishness, the end of which is eternal destruction: so a drunkard, for the pleasure of the flesh and stupefaction of himself, does not spare a lot of money, but spares pennies for the poor; a tobacco smoker throws tens and hundreds of rubles into the wind, and begrudges the beggars the pennies that could save his soul; those who love to dress luxuriously or are hunters of fashionable furniture and utensils spend huge amounts of money on clothes and furniture with utensils, and pass by the beggars with coldness and contempt; those who love to eat well do not spare tens or hundreds of rubles for dinners, but they spare pennies for the poor. It is necessary for a Christian to fast because with the incarnation of the Son of God, human nature is spiritualized, deified, and we hasten to the heavenly Kingdom, which is not food and drink, but righteousness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit [Rom. 14, 17 ]; food is for the belly, and the belly is for food; but God will destroy both (1 Cor. 6:13). Eating and drinking, that is, having an addiction to sensual pleasures, is characteristic only of paganism, which, not knowing spiritual, heavenly pleasures, spends its entire life in the pleasure of the belly, in eating and drinking heavily. That is why the Lord often denounces this destructive passion in the Gospel. And is it reasonable for a person to constantly live in gastric fumes, in gastric fumes rising inside from the incessant cooking of food and its fermentation? Is man just a walking kitchen or a self-propelled smokestack, to which everyone who smokes incessantly can rightly be likened? What pleasure is it to live in a constant fume of fumes and smoke? What will our homes be like? Why would we contaminate the air with stench and smoke, and most of all, darken and suppress the soul, kill its last spiritual strength? Flesh and blood do not show this to me, but my guardian angel. The evil spirit in this world, in the state of our fall, of which he is the culprit, excessively excites carnal needs and forces us to satisfy them without measure, attracting us with the bait of pleasure; and the Christian faith, in contrast to this, wisely curbs these demands of the flesh in order to make room for the satisfaction of high, spiritual needs, which the flesh tries to suppress and thus destroy the soul forever. He who has an ear to hear, let him hear [Matt. 11, 15, etc.]. Yes, he understands. Their sinners will fall into the darkness [Russian: into the net] [Ps. 140, 10]. I fall very often into my own marrow, which I have woven for myself with my sins and addictions. For everyone is held in the bonds of his sin... [Prov. 5, 22], according to Scripture. How often has the enemy found me outside of grace, admired me with flattering 22 and, deceiving me, turned away those who idolize words! Lord my God! I sincerely offer before You my repentance for insulting and humiliating my archpastor in absentia in a conversation with the magistrate Averky Shebunin, who went to him as a deputy with a request for Deacon Taratin and blasphemed him. He called him a derogatory name for a priest and an unmodern, indelicate person. I said that I, too, was not disposed towards him and could not visit him because of his obstinacy. God! Is it this person who bears the image of You, the Chief Shepherd, that I have humiliated? Did you humiliate him whom You, Lord, and Your anointed Sovereign, honored? Did I believe these proud and disdainful 23 people, did I listen to their slander against my archpastor? Have mercy on those who have sinned. During the liturgy, at the end, when I thought about my sin and my words regarding the bishop and about the words of Shebunin, I was embarrassed and could not pronounce the words of the liturgy - such a misfortune happened! Palm Sunday. Today I served the Liturgy in extreme cramped conditions because, I think, yesterday evening I ate smelt fish with sieve wheat bread, and I was greatly strengthened. The weather was very bad that day, that is, Sunday: it was snowing. The sides were especially tight. After mass, the elder of the Duma Church, Nikolai Sidorov, upset me by declaring disobedience to the Cathedral clergy and immediately and directly told me that he would do everything in defiance of us. Because, probably, they, the merchants, failed to appoint a special priest to the Duma, because the Cathedral Clergy prevented this. What to do with a disobedient spiritual son? I commend him to the Lord: may He Himself admonish him if my words have no power over him. And for me, Lord, keep me in kindness and peace and allow me to sincerely repent of my sins, committed constantly in deed, word and thought, and humbly ask for forgiveness from my spiritual children in the church. For my sin, my spiritual son has grieved me. For my disappointment, I deprived him of his blessing and prosphora. [Annoyed.] Protect, O Lord, Thy priest from the insolence of these goats. God! Do not with a single thought, not for a moment, allow me to be angry with him, the elder, and his relative Philip, who is of the same mind with him, but to feel sorry for them, to grieve for them like a father and to hand them over to Your judgment or mercy, for You Yourself said: Vengeance is Mine, I will repay [Rom. 12, 19]. To look directly at Your people during dismissals and forgiveness, grant me, Lord, grace. By sincerely and firmly asking for forgiveness from the laity during church services, set an example of humility and repentance to all people. If you humble yourself, God will exalt you. Even though there are among the laity who offended you, whom you did not offend, ask them for forgiveness among others, so that you may humble and touch them with your humility and repentance, and may you turn them to repentance; It may also be that you have given rise to insulting yourself, for we all sin a lot [Jas. 3, 2 ]; Perhaps the seed of hostility against us was sown by us long ago. Humility is a great virtue, which is why the devil advocates against signs of humility, such as asking each other for forgiveness. We, priests, extend our hand in greeting to many, for example, to merchants and noble or military ranks, which is why they value it little or not at all, neglect it, but the hand of a priest is a sacred, Divine hand, for it often holds the Lamb of God and performs all the Sacraments. There is no need to push it around and hold it out to everyone you meet, especially the rich and powerful of this world, for what kind of communication with them does the true shepherd, the servant of Christ the Savior, have for the sake of us who are poor and humiliated? The priest's hand should extend only to blessing. Who did I exchange my Vladyka Metropolitan for? For a simple layman who goes to church so rarely that he hardly goes to church twelve times a year?.. Let everyone purify himself, for the judgment of the Lord is near, at the door. And most of all, when I teach others, let me purify myself, my feelings, thoughts, words and deeds; especially don't be irritable. Be like a gentle sheep, do not open your mouth to the wicked who revile you. Look at the image of the suffering Lord. How the heart hardens from overeating, especially from pies! How the heart of a voluptuous person grows stronger in sinful aphids: in lustful excitement, in malice, rancor, hard-heartedness, envy, covetousness, greed! During Matins on Holy Monday, I felt very distressed and embarrassed by invisible enemies, and only with tears and heartfelt contrition and yearning for my sinfulness and weakness did I beg the Lord to strengthen me with His grace in the ministry. What fears and fears Satan unleashed on me from within! But there was nothing to be afraid of: I was afraid of the ghosts of the devil. The ghosts acted in me because of gluttony and intemperance, for in the heart of a glutton, in the depths of it, the demon of voluptuousness nests. The word of opposition spoken by your spiritual son and the head of the Duma Church in the heat of the moment, under the influence of unpleasant impressions made by Archpriest Trachevsky and the clergy of the Council, do not place much blame on him, for you yourself are hot-tempered and often speak harshly to the boss. Carnal love was plucked from the heart today by Divine love by the grace of God. Likewise, human or demonic fear must be eradicated from the heart with the fear of God, for the greatness of God is infinite, His holiness, grace, wisdom are infinite, His power is infinite! No one is to blame for my temptations and stumblings in the ministry except me, and I should not be upset with anyone or express my complaints to anyone. Today, at the end of mass, I insulted Father Deacon Peter - I asked him for forgiveness. Keep your mouth shut from now on. We think in our own way, according to the flesh, and do not want to comply with the decrees of the Church regarding fasting, but experience has shown me that fasting brings the greatest benefit to the soul and body: it takes away the natural stench, heaviness and inertia for prayer, and makes a person light and free. When I ate fish during Lent, that same evening or the next day during the service I felt unwell, stammered, was indignant, and when I didn’t eat, I felt good - there was no stench from me, and my affairs were successful. (Black bread with Bavarian kvass.) I ate a lot of bread in the evening (two slices) and therefore, while serving, I felt a special heaviness in my heart, powerlessness, I stumbled, missed other words, and was embarrassed. Tuesday of Holy Week. I thank the Lord with all my soul for the grace given to me through my prayer to perform the Divine Liturgy of the Presanctified Gifts without stumbling and to defeat the machinations of the incorporeal enemy, who was severely chilling me 24 . Thank you for the strength with which I read the prayer behind the pulpit. I thank the Lord for the evening service, perfect without stumbling; I thank the Lord for reconciliation with my parishioner and spiritual son Nikolai Grigorievich Sidorov - for all good things I thank the Lord: I thank for the effect of my prayer for Nikolai Sidorov and Philip Stepanov, merchants, social leaders. I thank the Lord that in everything I dare in His name, I can do everything in the power of His strength, and that the machinations of the bodiless enemy and his slander, subtle, intensified, kindled, and incessant, are destroyed by the grace of Christ. The grace of Christ is gloriously glorified in me. I thank my all-holy and all-wise Mother - the Church of God, for the benefits of Lenten time, which I clearly feel in myself in cheerfulness of spirit and health of body. What if I observed fasting according to the rules of the Church? If I now feel these benefits, when I was far from observing fasting as prescribed by the Church, for I ate fish and feasted on various fasting dishes, and often ate a lot, then what would have happened if I had kept the fast completely? How much grace I would gain! How closer I would be to God! How would I be strengthened by His grace! Sometimes you only go one day without eating after previous gluttony until the evening, and then you feel spiritually stronger from the communion of the Divine Mysteries, but how strong I would be against ethereal enemies if on all days I ate only once a day - even better if every other day! But I was fed up, I ate it even during Lent, and therefore the bodiless enemies played a lot of dirty tricks on me, laughed at me a lot, extremely embarrassing me during the service, stifling me internally with fear and doubt and not allowing me to pronounce certain words in prayer. I myself, the accursed one, gave weapons against myself. God! I have sinned, accursed one, before You and before myself, by not observing the fast properly. But give me the grace to fast unceasingly all the days of my life, that is, to always abstain. Students of educational institutions have learned a lot, but they often do not know the only thing they need - God and themselves, their sins, their spiritual weakness, their insignificance without God and before God. At the same time, let us remember with reverence the prayer of St. Ephraim the Syrian: Lord! Grant me to see my sins. Seeing your sins in their multitude and in all their vileness is, indeed, a gift from God given as a result of fervent prayer. What has been said above should apply to many, many scientists and the rich and noble: they know a lot, have a lot, but they do not know and often do not have what is essential. He hid this from the wise and prudent and revealed it to babes; Hey, Father! for such was Your good pleasure [Matt. 11, 25 – 26; OK. 10, 21]. Wonderful things! Apparently, the grace of God and the blessings of this world are not the same thing, and addiction to them is incompatible with God’s grace. I thank the Lord, who strengthened me to confess today one hundred and eighty people (before the all-night vigil of the Annunciation one hundred and five people and after the all-night vigil in the Duma eighty people). The enemy constantly tied the stake of my heart 25 and my tongue, and with great difficulty I pronounced the prayer of permission, and sometimes I could not pronounce it due to mental and physical weakness. The other fathers, Paul and Matthew, had almost three hundred people confess. Until now, I, the accursed one, am not a stranger to envy and ill-will towards my neighbors because of covetousness, that my brethren have a lot of money, but I have little, although I am always well-fed and satiated, dressed with grace and have everything I need and can give to others, which is very important and saving for the soul. I forget that I am a junior priest, that I am the weakest and most sinful of all, that I receive a good salary from the gymnasium, that I receive a good mug on a par with the keymaster, that because of my sins I do not deserve those gifts of God, which I use through the bounty of God. The root of all evil, truly, is the love of money (1 Tim. 6:10): because of it, envy, malice, hatred, pride, contempt of neighbors, satiety and drunkenness, luxury, feasts, fun, revelry; through it also stinginess, insatiable greed, deceit, lies, deception, piety, perjury or false oath, quarrels, strife; through it unbelief, freethinking, fornication, theft - in a word, many evils. Maundy Thursday. Late mass. Extreme mental weakness; inside it is completely covered with sinful thorns; the enemy has surrounded me; bodily weakness from bad weather and from contented walking. The fear is demonic. I turned out to be dumb from the fear of demons when it was necessary to speak an exclamation - this is how the disembodied enemy cut me off. At the beginning of the mass, as before, I felt physical and spiritual weakness, and during the parimia, the Apostle and the Gospel, an extreme inclination to sleep: I could barely keep my eyes open - they closed and I wanted to doze off and sleep. Then, while reading the liturgical prayers of Basil the Great, tenderness, liveliness and vigor appeared; The thorns of the enemy disappear, peace and freedom are felt; At the great entrance, the royal house did not speak entirely; it ended with the family of the heir; then, when reading prayers, there is tenderness; the temptation on the part of the sexton who entered the altar was defeated by concentration in prayers; It was as if the enemy had pierced my soul with needles. Oh, cruelty! The exclamations were spoken in grace, clearly, loudly, peacefully; I read the prayers calmly, with consciousness and feeling, and with tears: they fell in drops - this is the grace of the Lord. I thank the Lord, who has looked upon me, a sinner. He completed the sacrament safely, he and the deacon received communion safely; life-giving warmth in the insides and lips; but the enemy intensified to incite and confuse, to shake; a moment - the arrival of the elder Sidorov - and I was completely indignant, excited because of his untimely arrival; Satan almost consumed me with bitterness against him. It was my weakness, not the headman’s fault. I must endure everything with love. And stop any unrest that occurs with a gentle remark, without irritation or anger. He calmly gave communion to the communicants, about twenty of them. I am indirectly to blame for the unrest caused by the elder in the Duma Church: I incited Father Matthew to ask the archpriest not to allow Father Perov to serve in the Duma Church. Because of this, disagreements arose between the archpriest and the headman. Forgive me, Lord: I have sinned before You and before my neighbors. Put an end to sins, Lord, and create peace between the shepherds and the flock. I constantly glorified the mercy of the Lord at every divine service, more than all other properties of the Lord, more than His righteousness - therefore I hope, both during life and in death and after death, to be merciful and to be worthy to stand at His right hand. It is yours to be merciful and to save us, our God... For God is merciful and a lover of mankind... God of mercy, generosity and love for mankind ecu. In today's educational institutions, not only secular, but even partly in spiritual ones, especially in higher ones, human wisdom suppresses Divine wisdom - that wisdom which is stupidity before God. This is a glaring flaw in our educational institutions. That is why there is little, very little faith and Christian piety in these institutions; youth treat prayer, rituals and decrees of the Church with disdain, and are alienated from the Church. They also wanted to destroy theological seminaries and academies. What would happen then? Then the wisdom of this world would completely suppress the wisdom of God, the Gospel of the Kingdom of God, pagan wisdom would begin to reign in the country of Christian Orthodoxy. God forbid! I thank the Lord, who gave me the grace to know myself during the all-night vigil on Great Friday, while reading the Gospels (the twelve), to know my extreme corruption, my passions: fornication, greed, lust, satiety, envy, covetousness, malice, pride, wickedness, covetousness, love of glory, hard-heartedness; I thank the Lord, who has given me the grace to sincerely humble myself and not judge my brother Matthew and not become embittered against him. For I knew that I 26 despised him for withholding wealth out of envy and covetousness and my insatiable disposition. After such self-condemnation and inner repentance, I was calm, majestic, and how sweetly I read the Gospel! Glory to Your grace, Lord! Who will let me be like this all the days of my life? Lord, renew me! God! Fulfill my good wishes for the elders and the clergy, for the shepherds and the flock. 25th March 1871. Then he says to the disciple: Behold, your Mother! [In. 19, 27]. Whoever is a true disciple of Christ, his mother is the Most Holy Theotokos. Behold, Your son [Jn. 19, 26 ]! Whoever is a true disciple of Christ is the son of the Mother of God. Amen. And this Most Holy Mother is a benefactor throughout the Christian world, especially in Orthodox Russia and the East. You are all love, Lord, you have exhausted yourself all for the sake of love for me. I look at the cross and marvel at Your love for me and for the world, for the cross is a clear imprint of Your love for us. Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends [John. 15, 13]. Your Life-giving Mysteries, Lord, also serve as an everlasting, loud proof of Your love for us sinners, for this Divine Body of Yours was broken for me, for all of us; this Blood was shed for me, for all of us. God! I glorify the miracles of Your Holy Mysteries over Your faithful, to whom I taught them; I glorify the countless healings that I have witnessed; I glorify their all-saving action in me. I glorify Your mercy towards me in them and through them, which is revealed to me, Your life-giving power acting in them. God! For the great 27 love of Thy love for me, grant me to love You with all my heart and my neighbor as myself; to love my enemies - not only those who love me. (On May 22, during the all-night vigil, the Lord gave me the grace to break my heart, to leave hostility towards my brother for his disobedience and to love him, even though he was an enemy, in my opinion.) Church watchmen enter and leave the altar, just as they walk in the altar, therefore all the more so can the church elder enter and leave the altar. May Satan not confuse me with this and may he not fan my anger against the elder for his entrances into the altar during the service. Grant me the love to endure this. This year's fast has led me to a firm conviction of the need for constant fasting. So it is needed for those who want to pursue a spiritual life, for victory over passions and temptations from the flesh, the world and the devil, that is, the battles that come from them. God! Thy will be done throughout the whole earth, in all peoples and tribes; may Your Kingdom come through the spread of Your holy faith and its holy rules; Hallowed be Thy name in all the earth; May everyone live holy, according to Your commandments, may they be filled with the Holy Spirit. Amen. God! In the love of mutual life, teach and strengthen with Your Holy Spirit, tame the impulses of passions that stir up heavenly, evangelical love and make our hearts cold towards earthly pleasures. (Wake up!) For it is because of the addiction to sweets that daily hatred, envy, pride, and all kinds of mental disasters arise. Grant me, Lord, to always prefer Thy grace, Thy peace, Thy truth and holiness to all earthly blessings, and always abide in it all the days of my life, until my last breath. Wake up! Always teach your brother to love sincerely, with sympathy for his misfortunes. God! I thank You, who gave me the grace to peacefully and without stumbling, with the warmth of my heart, perform Matins on Great Friday in the Assumption Church with the reading of the twelve Gospels; also Vespers. I thank You, Lord, who revived my soul during Vespers, when in sorrow and distress I prayed to You earnestly to grant me forgiveness of sins (dislike for brother Alexei on the occasion of drinking and eating him on Great Friday, when I did not want it, whereas love is above all) and peace to my soul. You have done with me, O Lord, a miracle of mercy and life-giving. Like Lazarus of four days, he raised me from the grave of cramped conditions and despondency with the stone of insensibility falling away and gave me space, peace, tranquility and consolation! Glory to You, Life-Giver! In the cathedral he stood at vespers, starting with the Gospel, and carried out the Shroud calmly. After Vespers I confessed until about nine o'clock; there were one hundred and twenty people. Holy Saturday. I thank the Lord, who destroyed the network of the enemy in me, who bound me with extreme malice and importunity, who brought me despondency, melancholy, and anger on the occasion of the remark of Father Deacon Peter Al. that the elder Nikolai Sidorov took the Gospel from the Shroud with his own hands and carried it to the altar. This case was compared with other cases that characterized it unfavorably. It’s amazing how little things the enemy can do to arouse anger and despondency in my heart! But through my prayer, the grace of God broke the evil of hell and did not allow it to triumph in me. Glory to the all-conquering power of God's grace! But how great was the power of evil in me, its pressure! Verily, hell has rushed against me! But after the victory over evil, I solemnly, in a thunderous voice, read three sections of verses of chants over the body of the Divine Dead and spent the entire morning peacefully. I thank the Lord, who leads me comfortably through the darkness of temptation. Oranges are unhealthy for me: today they make me feel tingly and relaxed. If the parishioners themselves condemn me for the fact that I stumble, the parishioners, in front of whom I am somehow afraid to say some words of prayers, then shouldn’t I strain all my strength to say firmly every word, regardless of anyone or anything, as it should? Truly. So be it. I thank the Lord, who has made me worthy to safely perform the Divine Liturgy of St. Basil the Great on Holy Saturday and to receive communion without condemnation and to give communion to about fifty spiritual children. There are many Holy Gifts left. I got drunk. The reason for the evil, the indignation is in me, and not in others: on Easter itself I was angry with my wife because she pitied me of a bronze candlestick with a whole candle prepared for the holiday; From this I see that I am extremely proud, willful, proud, angry, disrespectful of the personality of others and their works. Forgive, Lord, my sins. I got angry with my wife who loves me. Where is true love, which never falls away (1 Cor. 13:8)? Easter. After Matins. I thank the Lord with all my heart. I thank the Lord, who showed me the abyss of His mercy and His power in the church before Matins against the abyss of the devil’s malice and violence towards me, the many-passionate one. I gave rise to this myself, while still at home, when I was offended by my wife for her indignation at me for taking the living room candle in an elegant bronze candlestick. The devil took advantage of this weakness of mine and my wife and created such a storm in me that he almost drowned me: oppression, shame, embarrassment, fire, the constant violence of the enemy within, forcing me to anger, consumed me. I fell several times to the throne of grace with faith in the infinite mercy and the abyss of power of Him who sat on it - and by force power was trampled down, by goodness malice was overcome: the place of confusion was taken by calm, the place of tightness by space, the place of fear of everyone by boldness, the place of shame by the glory of God, the place of the devil by the Holy Spirit. Glory to Your compassion, glory to Your power, O Lord! (18 minutes after two o'clock in the morning. The archpriest serves early due to illness and on the occasion of the service in the main church.) Because they are not of the world, just as I am not of the world [Jn. 17, 14]. Words of the Lord Jesus Christ about the apostles. This is great praise for them. What is it? The fact is that the apostles, living in the world, were strangers to it, strangers to passion for it, did not seek in it for themselves neither glory, nor wealth, nor sweets, nor peace, but were, as it were, beings of another world, heavenly, they thought and cared about heavenly things, they sought incorruptible heavenly glory, heavenly, incorruptible wealth, heavenly sweets and heavenly peace - about God and union with Him. We, sinners, are of this world, because we seek the glory of this world, material wealth, health, longevity on earth, the enjoyment of here blessings, here tranquility, here joys. But because of our addiction to the world and its blessings - all our troubles, passions, temptations, all failures in the Christian life. When the enemy is forced by vain fear to remain silent, not to pronounce the words of church readings and prayers, then we must pronounce them with special force, rejecting fear - he will surely retreat, seeing our determination; but if he sees hesitation, fear, doubt, he will further intensify his slander against us. (Easter Matins: exclamations.) Passions have special strength in me because the enemy violated the integrity of my nature in my earliest youth and humiliated my human nature, created in the image of God; That is why I am timid, cowardly before some and bold before others; That is why he is proud and disrespectful of others; That is why he is voluptuous, greedy, envious, unkind and malicious, money-loving, ambitious, impatient, irritable, capricious (not respecting the will, the temper of others), stubborn, rebellious, crafty. God! Renew me, who have been corrupted by immeasurable sins! You are every good for me, Lord: I lost incorruptibility and chastity in my youth, I corrupted myself - You restore incorruptibility to me again in You, in the communion of Your Divine Mysteries, You grant me Your holiness. Submit to the will of your superiors or elders: submission will lead you to your own well-being. Surrender yourself to Christ God, who arranges everything with indescribable goodness and wisdom for our good and bliss, and do not be self-willed and stubborn: self-will and stubbornness lead to destruction. To the slanderers: so that for the reason for which they slander you as evildoers, when they see your good deeds, they may glorify God on the day of visitation (1 Pet. 2:12). They slandered the Most Holy of Holies, and He endured and did not open His mouth, but I, a sinner, do not want to endure the well-deserved reproach from my superior! What sinful pride! What pride! What conceit! I thank my Lord Jesus Christ, who had mercy on me and sent me strength from on high against the dark forces to perform the late liturgy on the first day of Easter without stumbling (the first time late mass was granted to me by my father, the archpriest). Opposing forces fought me hard, and I strongly resisted them: I walked, as it were, against the strongest current or the strongest wind. I thank the Lord, who leads me into the struggle to strengthen my moral strength and to purify me, to strengthen my faith in the Lord, my trust in His strength and His mercy and love for Him, for I clearly see, on the one hand, the abyss of weakness and evil in myself, on the other, the abyss of His power in me and mercy towards me, indecent. March 28. Evening. 11 o'clock. Why is it necessary to pray at home and go to church for services? Why do you eat, drink and walk in the fresh air every day or work every day? To keep the body alive and strengthen it. And you absolutely need to pray in order to support and stimulate the life of the soul, to strengthen the soul that is sick with sins, to cleanse it, just as you use other food and drink to cleanse yourself from harmful phlegm or impurities. If, therefore, you do not pray, then you act very unreasonably and recklessly, supporting the body in every possible way, delighting, strengthening, and leaving the soul in disdain. After all, every person is twofold, for he consists of soul and body. Prednyaya (Church Slavic) – future. Obache (Church Glav.) – but, however. True (Church Glorious) – true, authentic. Polycarp of Smyrna, hieromartyr, Bishop of Smyrna, disciple of the Apostle John the Theologian. He suffered in Asia Minor during the persecution of Christians under Marcus Aurelius at the age of 86 - he was burned and then beheaded with a sword. His memory is celebrated on February 23 / March 8. Prelest (Church Glav.) – seduction, deception, blindness. Disgrace (church glory) - spectacle; as well as public disgrace. Slanders (Church Slavic) – here in the meaning of “intrigue”, “attack”. Delight (Church Glav.) – to catch, to catch. Disdainful (Church Slavic) – arrogant, proud, contemptuous. Stuzhati (Church Glav.) – to oppress, bother. That is, the whole coolness of the inner heart life. Tune (Church Slavic) - here in the meaning “for no reason, in vain.” Tolikiy (church glory) – so many, so great. You might be interested in: