Октябрь

Tuesday. May the Lord grant me a sincere and firm desire for the good of the poor of our city and firm, constant activity in their favor. I thank the Lord, who deigned me to celebrate the Divine Liturgy on this festive day, although with inner difficulty, in cramped conditions and sorrow from yesterday’s satiety, as I think, again (that is, on September 30 at Dmitriev’s dinner), from drinking tea with rainwater at Britnev’s and at home from eating cream and sweet pie with apples. After the labors of glorification, I baptized the baby Alexander Romanovich Boyle in Morozov’s house, with God’s help, boldly, cheerfully, majestically, smartly, without stumbling. I thank the Lord. I see that food and drink cause me a stumbling block in many ways, and the less you eat and drink, the freer your soul and spirit. Eating sherry, tea with lemon, and caviar with white bread was very beneficial for me, especially for my chest during the service of Matins. I thank the Lord. In damp weather, the caviar eats up the rot in the stomach (and drank some cream to soften the chest. July 26. Note for memory). Bavarian beer is a healthy, invigorating, strengthening thing (on December 6th), but just don’t drink more than two glasses, and don’t drink tea. If you ate fish pie at lunch, then in the evening you don’t need to eat at all, so as not to burden yourself. Last night (March 25) I ate a whole prosphora with sweet tea (that’s a lot). The juices of life got boring at night. Fish food produces heat and excitement in the blood when taken after vegetable food taken for a long time. This is probably why it is forbidden to eat fish during Lent. (On Holy Saturday I ate herring and red pike caviar and felt the above.) April 7, 1873. Drinking coffee without cream is very harmful for me: my nerves become extremely weak and hurt, my voice is either absent or unclean, difficult, with a rattling sound. Strong and overdrawn tea is also extremely harmful. I experienced this yesterday at home. God forbid you drink such coffee and tea: flour, especially when serving. Now I myself believe that in a cold room wearing only a shirt you can get a cold. Today (May 6th) in the morning I got up in my shirt and urinated in the pot; it was cold, and I felt a chill in my insides. Don't laugh at my sister-in-law and my wife. What's going on outside the city in [Tivoli]? What they do in secret is shameful to say [Eph. 5, 12]. And so the officers make fun of it. May 10. Sverlov in Karpov's house. The quarterly overseer also does this. Woe to me from tea water and crackers, or, better, from the excess of both - my lungs are completely clogged, my stomach is lost, my voice disappears, scrofula is rampant. Black bread, herring, beer strengthen and cleanse. Avoid white bread. Yesterday, at the house of Ekaterina Stepanovna (not Leopardova), an old lady in Gerasimov’s house, on the tower, I drank some strong, very simple tea, and today I feel ill: irritated nerves, voice breaking in service, soreness, embarrassment. May 23, 1873 Wednesday. Meat is very harmful for me: the heart becomes coarser, sinful instincts: fornication, malice, envy, laziness, negligence - increase; you feel excess, burdensome for the body, it is difficult to cook, because meat food is mostly fatty. (This was tested on Trinity Day on Saturday.) Holy bread is heavy for the satiated (from the all-night vigil). The milk and strong tea kept me awake almost all night... We must be careful. Lenten pie with raspberry jam was ordered to be made during Lent, or with rice. Eating fish with vinegar and sauce with vinegar is very harmful for me, a scrofulous person. Tested June 28. There is no appetite for anything, or for any drink. As a result of smoking tobacco, and earlier in the evening as a result of eating sprats and pickled salmon, a strong prodigal war broke out at night. The body was pricked like needles with bad scrofulous blood. No need to eat at night. How peacefully I slept when, being at Leopardov’s in the evening, I ate nothing, but only drank tea and wine, and even smoked! However, smoking after mass made me feel unwell and I had no appetite. I was stupid enough to smoke a cigar - and I did it wrong. Irritation, anger. Provençal butter with potatoes turned out to be extremely harmful and indigestible for me today, causing heartburn. I ate a lot of potatoes, lingonberries also turn out to be heavy. But the best thing is quick soup, cream and quick butter. Today there is a strong thaw again, yesterday it was a little frosty. There is no winter now. Black soft bread, consumed at the wrong time (in the morning after early mass, when I was full), with butter, turned out to be extremely difficult for me when serving a prayer service in Korolev’s house at Lavochkin’s. With a clogged stomach, I had almost no voice - I was all clogged, unclean, difficult, hoarse. Moreover, the weather was bad: all the snow had melted. I ate a hearty meal of hazel grouse at night with black bread, drank a large glass of milk and began to hiccup from satiety. There was no need to dine, satiated with game. He offended the Lord with gluttony, desecrating His image with addiction to gluttony. Eating meat foods produces heaviness and laziness. I sinned before God and before myself with a delicacy last night - I ate cream with foam, which is why when I went to bed, I gained sweetness in my genital member and got an erection. With the cross I tamed her. How can I not be horrified by my situation, my overeating and drinking a lot of tea? What about God's judgment? And what about capital punishment?.. Moderation and non-eating! Prayer, alms, work! I ate overcooked cod at dinner, and even earlier, at 12 o’clock, and at night I had a severe headache. It was Wednesday. Today is Thursday. I slept twice during the day, probably because of that. What a pleasure it is to be fed up with life every day! This is animal life, not human life. And this is done by daily partaking of the Holy Mysteries of Christ God, a partaker of spiritual, Divine, eternal life, a partaker of God’s nature! Alas! As a result of eating a significant amount of meat that day, at night there were rushes of excessive blood and therefore terrible dreams, from which I woke up and could not sleep. Woke up exactly at 12 o'clock. I sinned - I ate meat that was undercooked and with blood, cooked to the taste of my sister-in-law Anna K. (It should be noted that she was extremely affectionate and helpful. And this is enough for me, indecent: although, without doing anything, she does it. The Lord will teach me to do more, not for me, but for myself. My wife was not at home.) Eat potatoes as little and as little as possible: potato cutlets give you a headache. Eating fish induces sleep and laziness; oranges also produce something bad in the blood. I thank the Lord, who abundantly fed me every day for almost eighteen years of my independent life and did not allow me to lack anything. Oh mercy! Mercy! Oh, industry! Providence! Let the family eat what they stubbornly want to eat, that is, modest food during Lent - I don’t interfere, so as not to raise a storm. If only they would work, not quarrel with me, and - oh, if only they would pray! God! Spectator of our deeds, have mercy on us! Guide them on the path of salvation, for they, and I with them, have strayed far from it. Everything they have is carnal, they have no zeal for the spiritual, not the least, therefore my heart does not lie towards them, for they are infected with the spirit of self-will and rebellion and pride, which does not tolerate direction and instruction. What I did wrong yesterday was that I ate at 12 noon, and then at three o’clock, and finally at eight and a half o’clock. I clogged my stomach and lungs and therefore could not use my free chest: extreme difficulty in the respiratory organ when pronouncing words. Eat as little as possible. Cod and potatoes, and horseradish, are bad for me. As soon as I drank some tea and a bite of sugar, I felt prodigal, sweet movements in my reproductive parts. It is harmful to drink tea in excess, especially in the morning, and especially after communion. Meat, meat essence, coffee with cream are harmful to a person who wants to live piously; from them the heart becomes coarse, covered in darkness and weakened, there is a tendency towards fornication, insolence, and anger. I developed meat heartburn - meat is a completely unnecessary burden for the body. I, a communicant of the Holy Mysteries, need the most subtle, light plant food, and not animal food. So often I partake of the Holy Mysteries, so often I taste incorruptible food and drink, that I can do without ordinary food and drink at all. Oh, Lord, enlighten me and strengthen me to abstinence and fasting and to unceasing prayer. October 21, 1872. It is unnecessary and harmful to eat at night, especially meat. Yesterday, October 28, I ate meat (roast) more than usual, then took a walk; Having arrived home, he began to pray, but with extreme difficulty and in a drowsiness (he did not finish reading the canon to the Holy Guardian Angel); I slept quite well until three o’clock, but from that time on, pain in the lower back began precisely from satiety, and I could not sleep. Oh, how I have sinned before God and myself! Have mercy on me, O Most Merciful and Long-Suffering! Again grant me perfect continence. Breaking fasts is extremely disastrous for the soul. Today (November 3), Friday, I ate fast soup and cod with quick butter, and my left leg hurt (rheumatism), and during the wedding in the Cathedral, there were many devils in my bag (stomach), which did not allow me to say my prayers freely and calmly. My stomach was clogged with homemade cookies and it fixed it. Sweets (jam) are also very harmful to our spirit - they weaken it, and strengthen the flesh, carnal desires, passions, covetousness, fornication, malice, etc. Meat and fish food causes a rush of blood to my head and teeth, my heart becomes rough and callous, my eyes become puffy, which means my nature does not tolerate this excess, and everything plant-based, all vegetable fruits are good for me. Overeating, and especially from mealy and meaty foods, causes blockages in the stomach and poor digestion. The sauce from the roast, like the roast itself, is very harmful for me to eat; during the service of the all-night vigil, what suddenly disgusting heartburn arose inside me, disturbing my spirit! And at night, unclean ghosts! I feel a burdensome excess in my sides. And drink wine only when necessary. Meat weighs heavily on the heart, especially the fat of sauces and roasts. Extreme, unbearable fornication from meat, and at the same time anger. (At a prayer service in Ershov’s wing, near Eldorado.) Does the fading color seduce me? Is it earth and ashes? Is it pus? Is it skin color? Where is the wonder for the Artist God and the love for the Origin of everything? Could man have created himself so beautifully? (November 12, 1872) And the face itself takes on a rough, corporeal expression; among abstinent people it has a spiritual expression. Coffee makes my nerves extremely weak, my chest weakens, and my voice becomes unclean. November 13. During the vigil, loss of nerves, fear, trembling of the voice and the whole body were revealed. Honey with tea is useful: it resolves. Turkish delight too. Fatty, meaty soups and roast meats are bad for me: my heart becomes rough, my lungs become weak, I need the lightest food. And in the morning, don’t be tempted, don’t eat bread and butter, don’t drink tea. This is unnecessary. January 4, 1873. I am sick internally, so I want to allow me to eat fast food: soup, milk, cheese. Having eaten black bread with butter last night with the monks, I became somewhat burdened and clogged my stomach and my heart with uncleanness, for gluttony and delicacy with wine drinking breed fornication. During the service, my nerves were very weak, my voice trembled. Only with the help of God and the Queen of Heaven did he pronounce the great litany well, with all the names of the royal persons. Last night I ate game at night with white bread and woke up very early in the morning (at four o’clock) - pain in the lower back from the burden of the stomach did not allow me to sleep. It is harmful to eat at night, especially when you are not yet hungry and there is no need to eat or drink, but I, being reckless, eat and drink at night. What answer will I give to the Lord, greedy like Esau, and worse than him, and yet a daily participant in the heavenly, divine, life-giving food? With smelt, you eat soup less often and eat less cod with potatoes and Provençal oil, just one cod, and then drink tea. Tea and coffee irritate the nerves. September 15, 1872. There is no liquid or spicy jelly, unless it is quite thick with good almond milk. Irritates the nerves and strains the reproductive organ. It’s bad to drink milk and eat cheese at night - the burden overcomes you, you can’t read or pray to God, and at night your reproductive organs bother you. Do not drink milk at all, and consume cheese in small quantities, only during the day. Prodigal demonic ghosts. It is bad to drink milk and eat cheese. Jam has a harmful effect on the nerves, especially at night, it drives away sleep (yesterday evening I ate lingonberry jam). From drinking milk and a bun at night, my back hurt and still hurts. Don't eat at all at night. Caviar is bad for me, fatty foods are bad, port wine is bad. Lean food, the leanest food, is good for me: oatmeal, fish sauce, carrots... Last night it was hard for me to sleep: from the food from the evening and the strong fog on the street all evening and almost all morning. And one glass of vodka, drunk unnecessarily yesterday (October 16), brought me great harm and Marya Konstantinovna’s sweets, bought by her. Oh, how necessary it is to be content with only the necessary things - simple broth and water! Don't drink vodka! It’s strange how, knowing my prodigal heart and prodigal, vile flesh, I still consume sweets and sometimes meat, not to mention fish! How and why I sometimes drink a glass of vodka! On December 18 (Monday) there was an expiration at night due to indulgence (sweet tea and a quick, very buttery pie with cabbage and whitefish). Oh, excess in fish-eating! My heart is heavy. 20 January 73 Last night I ate game and cream, and my heart felt heavy, heavy, and my stomach couldn’t cope with the fatty food for a long time! Oh! How much our soul suffers from gluttony and satiety! And we won’t come to our senses! We continue our infantile, unreasonable games that could cost us eternal life, for [... since] the Lord can deprive us of eternal bliss, for the Kingdom of God is not food and drink, but righteousness, peace, and joy in the Holy Spirit. (The venerable ascetics ate little food.) Jam also has a harmful effect on the nerves (yesterday I ate jam too). Yesterday (February 12) I ate fatty caviar at night, and it was heavy for me, my heart was heavy. And you don't need to eat it. And in general, you need to eat in moderation. The heart is for the Lord, not for the belly, and the Lord is for the heart. Why did I now, in the morning, drink tea with cream and crackers and cloud my soul, making it rude and stale? Why do I uselessly and with sin burden my soul with early eating and drinking? Here comes Great Lent: strengthen me, Lord, to eat only once a day. Friday. Unleavened milk with black bread is a very useful thing - it nourishes and cleanses the blood; After two hours it’s good to eat an orange. Lenten coffee and Lenten tea are harmful to me, they extremely weaken and irritate my nerves, paralyze my heart, my entire soul, and plunge me into powerlessness. Yesterday I slept during the day; in the evening at N.M. Semenova ate black caviar, cheese, drank wine, strong tea, a glass of milk at home and could not sleep at night. My stomach began to feel clogged again. Oh, you need to eat as little as possible. Smoking a cigar (I smoked half of it yesterday) causes shortness of breath and therefore makes it difficult to serve in church. Stop this nonsense. Beer and vodka, when I drink them, rush into my legs and make me ache and feel hot. You don’t need to drink them, maybe only occasionally, a little. (August 11; eleven and a half o'clock in the evening; starry sky. Walked along the road between the gates [...].) Pies and porridge with carrots. Ioganson (Malov) books of Lives. August 27, 1873. Another student of the Life [months]. In Verkola and Sura, write letters to Vasily Ivanovich and Semyon Prokopievich, Philip Danilovich and Vasily Mikhailovich. Write to the blind man about Manuel. You might be interested in: