Апрель 1869 г.

April 1, 1869. I thank Thee, Lord my God, for Thou hast delivered me from my evils and from the embarrassment and oppression of hell through the prayer of my repentance, and has not shut me up in the hands of sin, and has placed ecu on my vast 65 nose [Ps. 30:9], and did not put me to shame in my ministry. I sinned before the Lord my God by acting violently towards my brother Vasily, the reader, when he showed inattention and disregard for my remark regarding his ignorance to edit the morning Lenten canon and said: where is my ignorance, - and when he did not want to respond to my offer to stay in the church to prepare for the service. Rude, rebellious, willful, stubborn. Father Matthew, with whom he serves, spoiled him. When the sexton did not listen to my proposal to stay in the church, did not want to obey and took his coat and hat, in a fit of indignation I took him by the collar and tore the hat out of his hands. There would be no need to do this, but to report him to the boss or leave vengeance to God. Self-government is a sign of pride. Wednesday of the Fifth Week of Lent. After Matins, I wanted to prepare the sexton for Vespers before the Presanctified Mass - and he himself became upset and angry. This is how the enemy plots intrigues for us everywhere! God! Deliver us from evil. Teach me meekness, humility, equanimity of spirit in the face of faults of subordinates, for I myself am often faulty and need the condescension and meek treatment of others. As you want people to do to you, do so to them. Love is patient, kind, does not envy... does not boast, is not proud... endures everything [1 Cor. 13, 4, 7]. As great as ecu, only 66 humble yourself [Sir. 3, 18]. And in the world it usually happens that the higher someone is placed, the more he has the right to consider himself proud of his inferiors. The inferior is proud - it is more forgivable for him, because he is proud out of stupidity, ignorance, rudeness; the highest is proud - unforgivably, for he is proud with greater development and enlightenment of the mind: having greater knowledge, he must be a servant of everyone, must incline others to humility, to all virtue. Why don’t I write down praises for the faith of Christ and the Lord Jesus Christ? For today (April 2) the Lord saved me from great sins and misfortunes and surprised me with His unspeakable mercy, delivering me from sins, granting me the ability to perform the hours, Vespers and the Presanctified Liturgy without stumbling, and granting me the ability to partake of His most pure and life-giving Mysteries without condemnation. What a storm, what a hellish fire shook me, pressed me, burned me, confused me! What violence of anger broke me, kindling its fire! I often, with a prayer of faith and hope, in repentance, fell to the throne of mercy, accusing myself, justifying my disobedient brother and asking myself and him for forgiveness (the sexton of Kamenogradsky). Lord Almighty be with us, for what other helper to You in sorrow are not the imams, Lord Almighty, have mercy on us. The faith of Christ saves me from countless troubles: if I got irritated, lost my temper, seethed with anger, agitated and shaken all over from some insults, from the rudeness, disobedience of a subordinate, or from my own suspicion, anger, then faith shows me salvation in sincere and tearful repentance, in the dutiful submission of the offense to God, who is all leading and righteous; and if I am not irritated and only a spark of irritation has sunk and is burning in my heart, then with the prayer of faith and heartfelt looking to the Lord I can extinguish it; I can also extinguish every passion that arises in me with the prayer of faith, such as: envy, pride, lustful movements or thoughts and desires, etc.; faith saves me from countless shocks, constantly protects my soul with peace, like a Divine shield, enlightens, life-giving, delights, delights me, teaches me to be content with little, to endure insults, to love enemies and pray for them, to give away what is mine, to have mercy on neighbors as members of a single body, to purify the heart. You condemned the conciliar fathers, your brethren - the archpriests in rage before society, but are you not furious with the disobedient reader - and where? In the altar, in the very seat of the Lord God, where is His throne! Judge not, lest ye be judged [Matt. 7, 1]. Father Pavel, our abbot, is amazingly firm, calm and orderly. Here is someone to learn firmness and calmness from. Take away from my heart, Lord, the all-destructive and charming addiction to worldly things, from which many passions arise - anger, envy, pride, disobedience, condemnation and others. Our flesh must always be kept in check; this rein is fasting, contemplation of God, prayer, reading the Holy Scriptures and the works of the holy fathers. April 3. I thank the Lord that this day has also made me worthy to perform the Presanctified Liturgy without condemnation and to partake of the Holy Life-Giving Mysteries (Standing of Mary of Egypt). Learned people are great freethinkers, as I learned today: they reject the need of the church, its splendor - at home, they say, you need to pray. But what if they don’t pray at home? What if at home nothing is conducive to prayer and nothing is conducive to prayer, while in the church everything is conducive to prayer: the peculiarity of the house, and its purpose (My house is a house of prayer [Luke 19:46]), and the consecrated throne, and holy icons, and persons, faces, and deliberate times, and the prayers themselves, hymns, and so on. And how many benefits we receive from the church itself! What a fullness of grace dwells here! How obvious is the presence of the Lord! Where two or three are gathered in My name, there I am in the midst of them [Matt. 18, 20]. How the truth of these words of the Savior is felt by the pious souls standing in the church! What about at home? May the Lord hear you at home, when there may be only vanity and distraction and all kinds of sin living in it? Are you worthy to be heard without the intercession of the priests of the Lord on your behalf, to whose prayer the Lord has entrusted you? Or do you not want to be a sheep, but want to take the place of the shepherd yourself and overthrow the order established by God? Try - what will come of this anarchy, how will you teach and guide others, not being able to direct yourself on the path of truth and duty? Oh, Lutheranism! Oh, unbelief! I thank You, Lord, for You heard my prayer for the poor and for the House of hard work and charity and solemnly fulfilled my humble and ardent desire. Truly, for You, everything is possible: for which almost no means and persons were foreseen, You found both persons and means and arranged everything. Glory to Thee, Lord! For this reason, I dare to pray to Your face for everything, O most merciful and omnipotent Lord! Don't put me to shame. May Your holy name be glorified! The incident in Kronstadt on March 1 and 2 with the soldiers (sailors and artillerymen) was a consequence of their licentiousness on the part of the military authorities. Due to their deeds, everyone fell into disgrace from the king. And what will happen from the King of Heaven at His Last Judgment? April 4, 1869. I thank You, Lord, for You have granted me the grace to overcome the opponent who fought me, and to loudly read the entire prayer behind the pulpit of the Presanctified Liturgy, and to perform the entire service without stumbling, all hours (3, 6 and 9) with their troparia. Grant me, Lord, to conquer all the passions that are warring in me: anger, envy, pride, covetousness, gluttony, rage and others. I thank You, for You have granted peace, which surpasses all understanding, through the communion of Your Divine Mysteries. God forbid that I should humiliate myself to the point of wishing evil to my neighbor, who wishes me harm and does evil, or bears a grudge, or gloats—I am deified: evil must be inaccessible to me. Do this, O God, release my offenders: they do not know what they are doing. Correct the faulty and lazy. Correct the worship service. Evil people are pathetic. If the Lord blesses me, unworthy, [to become an archpriest], then first of all I will write instructions for the entire clergy - and so that everyone learns it by heart. This instruction must be submitted to the Reverend for approval. Desiring differences and clinging to them with my heart, I fall away from God, from sincere prayer, from spiritual interests and am completely occupied with earthly, carnal interests. Earthly differences are dangerous for my soul. When you feel inside yourself goring, like fiery thorns, then know that in you there is a dirty trick of the flesh, an angel of Satan. The darkness of hell continually strives to embrace my heart, the fire of hell continually strives to force its way into my heart. But a sincere prayer of repentance drives away the darkness and extinguishes the fire. Benevolent Virgin, pray kindly to Thy Son and Lord: I will take away my embittered soul with the strangleholds of the serpent, and heal and save my exhausted soul and please me with all sorts of luminous ascents. Look unceasingly to God, so that you may escape the snare of the fisherman, who catches us with suspicion, malice, revenge, zeal, fornication, gluttony, covetousness, covetousness and various sins. April 5, 1869. Saturday of the Fifth Week of Lent. I thank You, Lord my God, my mercy and my strength, for you saved me from the countless snares of the enemy, and in the communion of Your Divine Mysteries you took away all my sins, and you filled me with the Divine peace, and you revived and made me happy. Glory to Thee, my sweet Jesus! Where are the flaming arrows of the evil one? Where is his shameful violence, where is his oppression? – No: I left everything with Divine grace and the acceptance of a heavenly gift. Behold, You have made me glad with Your face [Ps. 20, 7]. I also have other sheep that are not of this fold (schismatics), and these I must bring [Jn. 10, 16]. At every meeting with them, we must talk about the need to belong to the Church for salvation and about the inevitable death outside it. Forgive me, Lord, that I missed the opportunity to talk with the schismatic Bogdanov about the need to convert his family to the Church. Fish is very conducive to lustful movements of the heart and carnal leaps. You should use it very carefully. Tell smart students who only go to the library and not to church that the library, in fact, is in the Church, that is, the Holy Scriptures and liturgical books, and life is in full swing in the Church, and not in the library. I thank You, Lord, for You have numbered me among the company of Your chosen ones and Your saints - the forefathers, prophets, apostles, hierarchs, martyrs, saints, righteous people and all the saints and all Your faithful living throughout the universe. It is great to be a member of the One, Holy, Catholic and Apostolic Church, to be a living pebble in it, to be imbued with its vitality and holiness, to be sanctified and enlivened by its Sacraments, to have for oneself such prayer books and intercessors as the Mother of God, the holy Angels and all the saints. I thank You, Lord, for You have appointed me as a priest in Your Church and as a performer of the Sacraments and to drink abundantly of living water from the sources of salvation. Let all human flesh, that is, the old man, be silent, it is said, and let all earthly thoughts in itself be silent, 67 because earthly wisdom and worldly passions are from the devil; especially when before us is such a Sacrifice as the Divine Flesh of the Lamb, slain for the sins of the world, and His Divine Blood, poured out for the worldly belly, earthly wisdom is completely out of place and out of time, for for this purpose the Lord descended from on high, for this purpose He suffered, died and rose again, in order to lift us up to heaven, having torn us away from worldly pleasures and various passions. Acquire the grace of God in your heart and retain it - and it will contribute to your well-being and will replace everything for you, all earthly blessings. Oh, how blessed is he who has acquired the grace of God! And addictions to earthly goods scorch our heart and our entire being and deprive it of peace and freedom, oppressing it. No one can serve two masters: for either he will hate one and love the other; or he will be zealous for one and neglectful of the other [Matt. 6, 24]. If your master is money, belly, sweets, clothes, shiny crosses, medals, ribbons, then you work for all this, and not for the Lord, you love all this, but you hate the Lord, because His will requires you not to love all this, not to cleave to earthly things; You hold on to all this with all your might, with all your heart, you think about it, you do it almost exclusively, but you don’t care about the Lord, about pleasing Him. Oh, earthly love, how you resist heavenly love, the love of God! How long will we love longer, rougher, temporary, transient, not soothing to our heart, yearning for peace! The Kronstadt merchants play cards heavily in their club, especially on holidays; loses at night; They are going to play in other hotels and also spend the night. What kind of shepherds are we that we don’t denounce them, and don’t preach sermons in the church that are aimed directly at the vices that dominate society? Oh, shepherds, shepherds! Do shepherds feed themselves [Ezek. 34, 2, 8, 10 ]? Or are they afraid to expose, or do they not know what is happening around them? What kind of confession is this? What is communion for? April 6. Resurrection. End of the Fifth Week of Lent. The Lord vouchsafed to perform the Liturgy of Basil the Great in the Assumption Church without stumbling, and the royal house spoke out by name; Before the transubstantiation, the enemy strongly incited anger against fellow deacon Peter Al. Sofronov for his indifference and negligence, as it seemed to me, towards the Sacrament being performed; I was attacked by evil suspicion: look, the enemy whispered, he doesn’t even listen and is almost laughing at you for praying with such fervor and tears. Indeed, absent-mindedness and frivolity are generally noticeable in the deacon. It's hard for a priest! Having been sick in the insides before communion, after communion I suddenly felt healthy and calm. April 6. I slept very poorly at night: 1) because I ate black bread and fish shortly before bed; 2) because he slept during the day; 3) from bad, damp weather: it rained heavily all night and there was thick fog all night both in the morning and during the day - at four o’clock there was heavy rain. Satan strongly incites anger against the sexton Kamenogradsky: all his movements and actions are presented in a black form: the proud Satan slanders that the sexton is proud. And I foolishly believe him - and get annoyed with him. Forgive, Lord, my great sin. Everywhere the damned one presents his ghosts to me, everywhere and in every way he annoys, incites to sin, confuses, scorches, darkens, oppresses, induces weakness. In prayer, one often induces dreamy fear and embarrassment - just like instilling anger at one of the co-workers; in the classroom it sometimes brings darkness of thoughts and rebellion, thoughts or prodigal thoughts, the fire of prodigal; when performing assigned tasks, it induces poisonous love of money; at home and in church it sometimes tempts you with an addiction to elegant clothes, the pity of the red ribbon of the cross or kamilavka, and confuses you with various dirty tricks and dreams. – In God alone is my joy and peace. Money lovers, drunkards, gluttons, gamblers, actors, dancers, fornicators, thieves, envious people, proud, evil, flattering, hypocritical, lazy - can you be capable of future heavenly bliss, which will be spiritual, for there will be truth and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit [Rom. 14, 17 ]? No: you will be incapable of it unless you repent and reform. Alas, you will certainly perish if you do not change. It is necessary in this life to develop a taste for the spiritual, a taste for prayer, contemplation of God, the word of God, and all virtue. (You will say: what do you care about us? - How? What about you? My duty, my responsibility is to teach you. You do your job, I do mine.) Pray earnestly for the dead: a) they have a great need for peace, just as you thirst for peace in the confusion of sin; b) no one can help them except you and his other relatives, friends, acquaintances, if any; c) this prayer will bring you great benefit, as a sacrifice of your love for your neighbors: the Master will reward you. The elderly captain Vasily Petrov (on the mountain) recovered from his illness from communion of the Holy Mysteries. Glory to Your life-giving Mysteries, Lord! The reality of Gehenna and death: both Gehenna and death are still active in us. I bitterly repent that last night I greedily ate fish food twice: in the shelter of cabbage soup with smelt and at home of salmon and bream, for this is not only harmful for the advancement of the soul, but also burdensome for the vessel of the flesh. April 8, 1869 Oh, animal greed, brutal!.. But two days ago I just repented of this to my spiritual father!!! And I myself am the spiritual father of many! Where is the example? Do I create as I teach?! April 10, 1869. Thursday of the Sixth Week of Lent. He served the Presanctified Mass in the Duma church without stumbling by the grace of God, requested through tearful prayer. I am convinced that without the grace of God I am full of weaknesses and all kinds of evil, and only with the grace of God am I strong and move away from evil and do good. I am truly worse, weaker than everyone. Glory to Your power, Your countless bounties, Lord! Nailing printed labels on fences and walls, what awaits those who do not go to church or do not fast and do not proceed to confession and communion. Give alms to the poor willingly: 1) because in their person is Christ God; 2) because nothing is yours—everything is God’s: your money is God’s, your bread, sweets, and clothing are all God’s; 3) because the poor are our members and, therefore, yours; 4) because giving alms is a sowing, and the more willingly and kindly we give, the more abundant the reward will be from the generously gifted God; 5) because with perishable goods we buy incorruptible, eternal goods; 6) because without alms it is impossible to inherit the Kingdom. He became very angry with the beggars; I furiously pushed one beggar boy away from the gate post and spoke angrily to him - such demonic stings, burning, goring, poisonous, inciting were in me; at home he was furious with his wife, demanding apples and oranges rather than medicine. After the prayer of repentance, everything disappeared - all the butts, all the inner fire. By offending others in any way, you first of all offend yourself, and the enemy offends you and your neighbor. So, avoid at all costs even the slightest offense to your neighbor, so that you do not become an instrument of the all-evil devil. Try to always be calm and unperturbed - in all unfavorable circumstances, in all temptations. If a righteous Judgment awaits everyone, then we have no need to even think about taking revenge on our enemies, because the Lord will take revenge on everyone, reward everyone [Rom. 12, 19] – will reward even here. We must pray for our enemies, so that they do not die because of anger towards us, but turn and repent. We must live with everyone in peace and love. We will not live long on earth, and the earth is not our heritage - why quarrel? By this everyone will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another [Jn. 13, 35]. God’s great abandonment of my weakness, great confusion, sorrow and distress befall me for the sake of my delicacy and satiety and, perhaps, panache. And my brethren - the archpriests and deacons and readers - are deceased. Oh, what a temptation I am at large, ceremonial gatherings! And at the end of the work of prayer, you see that everyone is ordinary people, that fear was absurdity, cowardice was madness, and that the demonic, dreamy storm was very great. Conquer evil with good [Rom. 12:21]: if an acquaintance, or a subordinate, or your spiritual son does not greet you or treats you proudly, do not be indignant in spirit, do not have the zeal to reprove him - but with your meekness and humility, overthrow his pride and especially with prayer for him. Do not be jealous to the point of doing evil, for those who do evil will be destroyed, but those who trust in the Lord will inherit the earth [Ps. 36, 8 – 9]. If you love those who love you, what gratitude do you have for that?.. And if you greet only your brothers and do not sincerely greet your enemies, what special thing are you doing? Don't the pagans do the same? [ OK. 6, 32; Matt. 5, 47]. This is what the Christian faith consists of: to overcome evil with good, to go against the passionate desires of your heart, to deny yourself, to trample on your pride and to be a skillful doctor of sin and passions in yourself and in others. He sinned against the Lord: a man created in the image of God and a member of Christ - a beggar who persistently demanded alms, a boy of about fifteen, furiously calling him a dog and shoving him a dime. Am I not a dog, like a follower of the devil’s malice? Am I not a predatory, greedy, insatiable wolf? Am I not a fierce beast? Forgive me, Lord, my great sins! My old man is furious that beggars are following me everywhere and begging for alms. Why doesn’t the new one rejoice, showing mercy to the poor for Christ’s sake and through them pleasing Christ Himself? Why doesn’t a new person rejoice when he has the opportunity to show love to his neighbor? Or do I not have love for my neighbor? Yes, or too little - because love for one's neighbor is suppressed by self-love, carnality, covetousness, pride, envy and other sins. Oh, how necessary it is for me to mortify my body and enslave it, lest I myself become incapacitated by preaching to others [1 Cor. 9, 27 ]! Oh, how I need sorrows that cleanse my heart and enlighten my thoughts and humble my soul! Oh, how little I need to sleep, eat little, pray a lot with tears, think a lot about God and His commandments; read a lot of the word of God and the writings of the holy fathers! The enemy is constantly intensifying to spread darkness in my heart, to root passions, to produce spiritual impotence for all good, confusion, sorrow, tightness, to bind me. He constantly lays his hellish nets for me; He especially tries to nail me to the ground (and nailed me), to plunge me into absurd self-love, carnality, ambition, voluptuousness, covetousness, laziness towards prayer - and through this tear me away from love for God and neighbor, in which is the whole law [Matt. 22, 37 – 40]. I want to gain the whole world and gain 69 my soul [Matt. 16, 26]. I want to work for two masters - but I love one, unworthy of love, and I hate the other, worthy of love, as my deeds show, although in words I seem to love Him [Matt. 6, 24]. Oh, my terrible, unmourned curse! What will I do? Where do I go with my poverty, with my nakedness? And I want to get richer?! How? - In dust, in vanity. And I still want to decorate?! How? - Decay. And I am still voluptuous when I am completely immersed in the bitterness of passions! And I still love the splendor of the earth, although I myself am sinful darkness! Oh, what a seduction! External... We have only bothered ourselves with beautification, despising the inner God-like tabernacle. I am all in the wounds of self-willed passions! 70 Why are we angry with the beggars when they do not scold us, do not beat us, but stand modestly, waiting for our alms, although even if they scolded us or beat us, then we should be meek and kind, accepting this as fair retribution for our lust and other great sins. Why are we angry? Because we are self-loving, proud, evil, partial to earthly things, namely, earthly acquisitions, we forget that almsgiving is sowing, that in the person of the poor Christ God Himself accepts alms; We forget that we received everything from God. When you see the unjust hatred of some people towards themselves, especially the rich and proud of this age, remember the words of the Savior: Blessed are you when people hate you [Lk. 6, 22], and do not be embarrassed by this hatred. Also remember the words: Woe to you when all people speak well of you! [ OK. 6, 26]. In general, despise all human passions (but not people) and do not pay attention to them. Be all in God and with God. Guard your heart above all else, for from it are the springs of life [Prov. 4, 23]. The heart is in the womb: protect the womb from delicacy and satiety, so as not to burden and weaken the heart; protect your heart from covetousness, from anger, envy, malice, pride, laziness, despondency, impatience, murmuring. People strongly pursue present goods because they do not imagine the great superiority of future goods and the insignificance of present ones. Earthly love is from the devil: love of gold, silver, beautiful and soft clothes, sweets, distinctions, honors, glory, earthly beauty. Heavenly love is from God. The enemy constantly binds us to the love of earthly things, earthly things. These are our idols. Human fear is from the devil, God’s fear is from God; the enemy stabs our souls with human fear where we only need to have the fear of God, for example, during worship, when testifying to the truth. April 13. Palm Sunday. The enemy confused me today with a desire for a good, new vestry and indignation at the archpriest who refused the watchman this vestry. I am damned that I place the glory of God and myself in the outside, and not in the inside. I must pay all my attention to the inner, to the spirit, so that my heart is pure and my spirit is right, to meekness, humility, kindness, to faith, to love for God and neighbor: All glory to the daughter of the Tsar, that is, the Christian soul, within [Ps. 44, 14]. Christ should be my glorious and incorruptible robe, Christ should be my food and drink, Christ should be my inexhaustible wealth, and worldly decorations, worldly sweets, treasures should not occupy me: that’s why I’m a Christian, that’s why I’m a priest. And I myself must philosophize on high, and teach others, that is, the sheep entrusted to me, to do the same. And we are the first to be enraged by earthly things, looking for local honors, local food and drinks, local treasures, local decorations, local sweetness. Addiction to earthly things separates us from God, deprives us of peace, freedom, space, enslaves the immortal, god-like spirit to earthly decay, earthly vanity, subjugates the sovereign to the work 71 . So, if during prayer you wish or regret money, elegant clothes or some kind of jewelry, the soul is immediately deprived of peace, light, freedom and becomes confused, darkened, and bound. How much do all people lose who are bound by worldly lusts and pleasures! How infinitely much are gained by those who have completely immersed their souls in God and put aside the cares of life, who have loved poverty for the sake of Him who made us poor! April 14. Monday of Holy Week. Blessed indeed are the poor in spirit, and theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven [Matt. 5, 3]. When today at Matins in the cathedral, standing in the altar, I looked, among other things, at Father Matthew, the successive father of the archpriest, and had condemning thoughts about him and through this I lost my spiritual peace, and the sin of condemnation began to torment me, to scorch me - then I asked myself internally: what are you like? Give me the answer now: sincerely or hypocritically do you read morning and evening prayers every day and on the days of the week - canons and akathists to the Savior, the Mother of God, the Guardian Angel, the Angels, the Forerunner, the Hodegetria, the holy apostles and St. Nicholas the Wonderworker, the Cross and all the saints? Didn’t you shed sincere tears from the living consciousness of your countless sins, didn’t you sincerely admit that you were the most sinful of all, the worst of all? Why do you quickly forget your sinfulness and condemn your brother internally? And when, after these questions, I returned again to the consciousness and feeling of my sinfulness and stopped internally condemning my brother, becoming completely lenient towards him, for the consciousness of my sins humbled me, then I felt deep peace and tranquility in my heart. Then the words of the Savior, spoken to the Pharisees who brought the adulterous woman to him, came to my mind: he who is without sin among you, be the first to throw a stone at her [Jn. 8, 7]. In fact, who among us is without sin and who can throw a stone of condemnation at a brother? To her, Lord, King, grant me to see my sins and not condemn my brother 72. How disastrous for the inner man is the flattery of silver! I was talking with a Lutheran woman about the Orthodox faith, at that time my maid came to us, and I, thinking that someone was calling me, asked her: who came, and she said that no one; I heard that they had brought me money to take away, for I was expecting the arrival of a woman who promised to come to me with gratitude, and immediately from one partial thought about money my heart was confused and lit up with a painful hellish fire; Only after repenting of my sin did I calm down again. This is how stifling the addiction to earthly goods is! Verily, these are treasures of brokenness, which cannot contain water [Jer. 2, 13]. April 14. I rejoice about Father Archpriest and myself that he received me very favorably and friendlyly, beyond my expectations; I thank the Lord, who destroyed the machinations of the enemy in me, for the enemy slandered my father, the archpriest, and irritated my spirit against him, as against an enemy, an envious person and an oppressor. And what did I find in the archpriest when I came to him? - Father and friend, an experienced and sensible old man. Right there, in his apartment and sitting with him, captivated by his cordiality, I offered up an inner prayer of thanksgiving to the Father of lights, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named [Eph. 3, 15], for such a kind and meek, calm disposition of spirit in Father Archpriest. Oh, how the soul yearns for meekness, simplicity, kindness and justice in a boss. It is good to live and serve under the wing of a good boss. What damage to faith and piety from the behavior of our senior members of the clergy, especially the archpriest, what disgust from the Church! - the highest spiritual authorities know nothing, and leprosy is increasing more and more, cooling towards the faith and the Church - too; what to do? Finally, we must let the Most Reverend Vicar know, verbally or in writing, about any major disturbances. At home he is good, but in society he slows down strongly and unreasonably. April 15, 1869. This is my sin: addiction to a brilliant, beautiful appearance and negligence about the salvation of human souls, for which Christ died; passion for acquisition, for honor, for sweets. We usually admire good, clear, warm weather and love to talk about it; but in the heavenly settlements of Angels and holy men, the lightness, the goodness, the coolness are incomparably better - [why] do we not like to talk about the abodes there, about the life there, about the lightness there, about the bliss there? Joyful, life-giving, brilliant is the sun - but the light of the face of God, which the Angels and the souls of the righteous enjoy, is infinitely more joyful, life-giving, more brilliant. Oh, grant me, O Lord, to reign with Your saints in Your eternal glory. Save Your people... and bless Your inheritance, I will correct and exalt them forever 73. What did Lent convince you of? The great benefits of fasting: how light and healthy a person is who fasts in spirit and body! What sobriety of thoughts! Love abstinence and fasting in the near future! The longer we do not repent, the more difficult it is for us to sincerely repent; the more often, the easier: every task requires skill, especially the work of repentance and confession. The great wisdom and mercy of our Physician and Savior Jesus Christ is visible in the establishment of the Sacrament of Repentance. This is true spiritual healing. The Church is a doctor; priests are doctors. How we must respect them, appreciate them! It was not in vain that the Apostle said to the believers about the elders: we ask... to honor them primarily with love - for what? For their cause [1 Thess. 5, 12–13], for the work of saving human souls, their healing, correction, sanctification, confirmation. Yesterday a young woman, born Yandozhskaya, came to me, heavily slandered by evil spirits, who bothered her day and night with some incomprehensible fear, turned her away from prayer and from her baby, and inspired her to lay hands on herself. I consoled her, saying that these are the dirty tricks of evil spirits, that without God’s permission they cannot do anything to you, that they will soon leave you, and then I prayed with her before the image of the Kazan Mother of God; then he read the canon and prayers to expel evil spirits and anointed her with oil from the lamp before the image of the Kazan Mother of God and sent her away in peace. I noticed to her that with one man there were similar demonic insurances, but after reading the incantatory prayers with the canon, everything soon passed. April 16, 1869 Holy Wednesday. April 16. Great Wednesday. Evening. Confession. The slightest attention to money, momentary regret and an attempt to save it during confession greatly hurt me for a long time, and I had to pray to the Lord a lot with a strong cry for salvation from the misfortune of love of money. Oh, what a hellish breath - love of money! Oh, how one must despise money! One must be fully engaged in holy work and not be entertained by external objects. April 17. Yesterday with love of money - today with anger the villain attacked the reader Vasily of Kamenograd, and how stubbornly! Barely after intense prayer and after consuming the Gifts he left me with great faith! This is how you need to beware in these great days of instant feelings of anger or love of money! Today the villain stopped me with the sight of the mighty of the land - our archpriests and staff officers and chief officers. It doesn’t allow me to speak, it brings fear and doubt. At every step and word there are machinations of the enemy. God! May Your terrible passions leave an indelible impression on me forever, may they teach me meekness, patience, kindness, calmness, and submission to the will of God. A presbyter, as a representative of the heavenly faith, especially should not be bound by anything earthly or by earthly love: addiction to earthly wealth, to earthly honors, rewards and distinctions, to earthly sweets, to earthly beauty, but to consider all this as rubbish, according to the Apostle [Phil. 3, 8] and according to the experience of the wise and experienced in the Christian life, but to be wise and to love things above: meekness, humility, kindness, patience, non-covetousness, future blessings promised to those who love God, and the Father Himself of the next century, the holy Angels and all the saints, imitating their love for God. To gather children and ignorant peasants and townsfolk before mass to teach them the original truths of the faith. April 19. I thank the Lord, who heard my prayer for boldness and wisdom in confessing my spiritual daughter, the wife of the mayor Sofia Alexandrovna Lesovskaya. I accomplished my task successfully, boldly and with spiritual wisdom. (Being ashamed of some words of prayer, I would be ashamed of the Church, which is absurd.) Today I gave Holy Communion to N. Vl.’s sick sister-in-law. Baykova Elisaveta Kondratievna. From fear she began to shake violently: with her left shoulder and her left hand. I prayed over her for a long time after communion - will the Lord give something? Lord, have mercy and heal her, for the sake of the prayers of Your Most Pure Mother. Walk. My conversation with an official living in Krayushkin’s house. His review of our nihilistic sailor officers, especially Pilkin; Greco-Athenian campaign; review of Russian scientists. My visit to M. O. Britnev. Order regarding the poor. Sunday school. I sinned - I fell into internal resistance to my boss and into anger at the sextons who did not obey me. Well, will the sexton take anything away from me, unless I deprive myself of a great gift - calmness, meekness, kindness, patience; will he take away my priesthood - won’t I always remain a priest, and he a sexton, like one who married a widow? Why am I afraid of him for his disobedience and rudeness? Yes, he has already corrected himself. Meanwhile, the Lord allowed my passion, impatience, and anger towards him to be revealed, so that from now on I would calmly, with meekness and love, reprove and instruct those who are opposed, so that food will give them understanding in the knowledge of the truth and they will arise from the devil’s snare, living caught from him according to his will [2 Tim. 2, 26]. We must feel sorry for everyone who sins - both ourselves and our neighbors, and recognize the machinations of the enemy in all of us, and try to live in mutual love and respect for the human rights and dignity of everyone, cutting off self-love, vanity, pride, malice, and rebellion. God! Grant me to see Your poor as Your members and always give them alms willingly, in humility of heart, with meekness and love. May I never offend any of them, even if I have a cold. Forgive whomever I have offended by word or deed or thought. April 20. All-joyful Easter day. I thank Thee, most merciful Lord, for Thou hast granted me the grace of perfect tranquility during and before Easter Matins, and to perform the early Liturgy with a burning heart and with tears and thunder of grace; I thank Thee that my spirit did not go out and faint from excessive warmth due to the multitude of people and burning candles. I thank You, All-Good Father and Provider, for in everything I dare in You and through You. The day is very clear. I thank You, Lord, for the enmity that arose in my heart against my father, the archpriest, for not receiving a brotherly kiss from him on my hand and not giving the candle from my hand, you immediately extinguished. Many of the Kronstadt merchants reject positions (participation in the club), the priesthood as successors to the apostles, saying that by hiring any priest can be obtained for service; some do not fast for a long time, such as: Pavel Romanov, although not a merchant, but an official of our parish, serving under the governor; They play cards a lot, have frequent family evenings, and masquerades. (The shepherd must know everything that is happening among his sheep, and admonish the disorderly, reprove, plead, and rebuke with patience [1 Thess. 5:14; 2 Tim. 4:2].) April 22, 1869 On April 22, Tuesday, around midnight, precisely at the end of the twelfth hour, I offered to the Heavenly Father, in the boldness of faith, a short prayer for the granting of a better and closer place to my relatives Grigory and Anna Tsvetkov. I trust in the goodness of the Heavenly Father, who fulfills our good desires offered to Him in the name of His beloved Son. April 23. Petersburg. I was in Nevsky during the funeral service for the maid of honor, the maiden Lieven: there were many generals and princes in ribbons - red and blue - and other courtiers. Archpriest Slovtsov, master, took precedence; the rest were hieromonks. Slovtsov read the prayer of permission - calmly, separately, with expression; he approached the deceased, placed a prayer of permission in her hands, blessed her, kissed her forehead, kissed the icon on her chest - and did all this with the most calm disposition of spirit, majestically, dignified. Important persons are often great sinners: one should not look at their faces as if they were important or show servility; one should not at all have slavish fear. Behave yourself in a dignified manner. Today I sinned before the Lord God and before my brother, the members of my Lord Jesus Christ and His Church, by being angry with them for asking for alms; I sinned that I gave little and with great displeasure and anger I added a few kopecks. Forgive me, most merciful and long-suffering, for my disfavor and impatience. April 24. Give generously: the Lord continually gives to you, and your hand has not failed and will never fail because of His goodness. My life is like a course essay assigned on a well-known topic: I must write, and write this essay not in words, but in deeds. If I don’t write, I won’t receive the honor of the heavenly calling of God. An absurd opinion has spread that our religion, or our Orthodox faith, exists only for the common people, and not for scientists, for whom internal prayer alone is enough, without going to church and without receiving the Holy Mysteries. Madmen! Do you need a theater if you don't need a church? Do you need plays if worship is not necessary? Reprove mercilessly. Do you need cards if worship is not necessary? Oh, modern paganism in Christianity! I deign to sneak into the house of my God rather than live in the villages of sinners [Ps. 83, 11]. Do you shun the holy house of God, or do you love the villages of sinners, in which sin constantly persists? This means that you do not love holiness, but love sinfulness. Playing with addiction with earthly things - food, drinks, clothes, shiny awards, beautiful faces and things - is dangerous: such a person falls away from God and works for the enemy, for work for the earth, addiction to earthly things is the work of the devil. Every earthly beauty, every sweetness is only an insignificant shadow of God’s beauty, Divine sweetness, temporary, due to the action of the enemy and our corrupted heart, charming. We must always cleave to God - our eternal life, eternal beauty and eternal sweetness, every minute, moving away at the same time from love for earthly things: let us not fall away from God, having loved earthly goods, for it is impossible for two masters to work [Matt. 6, 24]. What I should count as happiness and dignity, I consider grief and humiliation, that is, giving alms to the poor every day; I have no feelings of compassion and mercy, having hardened my heart and given myself over to self-love. The poor are our true treasures. Don’t be sorry for what you put into these treasuries, throw your mites into it willingly and joyfully. Drinking vodka unnecessarily and eating delicacies is a disaster for me: the soul is filled with sorrows and cramped conditions, despondency, anger at everyone, it loses its boldness, working through fear. April 25. During the liturgy, an evil spirit instilled subtle enmity against Deacon Peter, who served me, because he did not kiss his hand at the beginning of the liturgy when giving alms with a censer and a candle. I barely drove away the spirit of malice with inner diligent prayer. In general, he had little boldness during the liturgy. Why? Because the day before I was a guest at an engagement party, and many types of sin entered into me in different ways: the sin of contemplation, the sin of idle talk, overeating, drunkenness (especially drunkenness - I drank a glass of champagne and two glasses of vodka). You must sit at home before serving. Now I see and truly know that all the evil in me is from me, from skill to evil, from pride, pride and from my charmer, who acts in my members, and not from other people. This evening, during prayer, I suddenly became angry internally with my wife because she began to adjust the lamp at the wrong time. In the same way, I rush at the deacon and the sexton for no reason at all. Blessed are the merciful [Matt. 5, 7]. The character or spirit of the Christian faith is mercy. We have received mercy without number in Christ - and we must have mercy on others. Gospel parables. Desiring the brilliant golden cross of Christ, remember that the original Cross was not golden, but wooden, the Cross not of glory, but of reproach, dishonor, suffering, the Cross of meekness, humility, long-suffering; remember the misery of the Crucified One, who did not wear any adornment, who for our sake endured poverty and poverty and had no place to lay his head [Matt. 8, 20; OK. 9:58], who humbled Himself to the point of death, death on the cross [Phil. 2:8], for our sake, who laid down His soul on the Cross for His friends - and, looking at the Cross, always learn meekness, humility, self-sacrifice, courage, patience, kindness, non-covetousness, crucifying the flesh with passions and lusts, labor unceasingly for the glory of God and the salvation of others, abstinence, purity and all virtue. Every person, according to the prophet, is a lie [Ps. 115, 2]: we have a false spirit, a false direction, false principles, counter-gospel, earthly, sinful, disastrous, namely: each of us is angry, proud, ambitious, vindictive, vindictive, irritable, impatient, prone to despondency, lascivious, gluttonous, envious, lazy, etc. One must with all the strength of one’s soul hate the sin that lives within oneself and eradicate it with the help of God’s grace and mercilessly fight the passions of other people, tending especially toward the decline or overthrow of the Christian faith and life, but prudently, with meekness, constancy, and patience. Why am I grieving when I received the blessing of the Holy Synod instead of the expected pectoral cross? If I had received a reprimand from the Holy Synod, my grief would have been profound; but the blessing, although it is formal, should be rejoiced, for what is the Synod? - A meeting of priests led by the Holy Spirit. Neglecting a blessing means pride and lack of understanding of spiritual things, and the thirst for the pectoral cross means an addiction to brilliance and, in general, to a shiny appearance, which very often harms the spirit. The blessing is higher than the pectoral cross, like the blessing of the Lord. Jesus Christ did not wear a golden cross, but carried a huge wooden cross on his shoulders, suppressing Him, on which he was later crucified. The Forerunner did not wear a cross, but was great among those born of women [Matt. 11, 11 ]; The apostles did not wear crosses on their chests, but in their chests. What do you want? Give me, O Lord, You - a living treasure, priceless and inalienable to acquire, so that I may not thirst for any earthly or perishable treasures; Grant me You, the Eternal Light, to acquire, so that I may not be seduced by earthly splendor. Give me the reward of heavenly desires, so that I do not thirst for earthly reward and do not regret being deprived of it. Oh, how good I am with You, Lord, and what can I desire besides You, when I have You in my heart, You, the Source of all good things! He is not worthy who praises himself, but whom the Lord praises [2 Cor. 10, 18]. Do not challenge society to nominate you for an award, but let it nominate you if it finds you worthy and necessary. It's strange to praise yourself and reward yourself. It’s a different matter to not want fame from people: you don’t oblige anyone, you don’t servile, you walk with an open face in front of everyone, you tell the truth to everyone, without fear of anyone’s face. The blessing of the Holy Synod, as something internal, spiritual, means more than a pectoral gold cross, which is an external decoration. May this blessing be in force for me, and not just in name. May I accept it with faith, reverence, love, and gratitude. April 26. Saturday of Holy Week. I thank the Lord, who strengthened me to perform the Divine Liturgy without stumbling and to partake of the Divine Mysteries without condemnation and to give communion to children with boldness. I thank the Lord for the sweet peace from the perception of the Holy Mysteries, with which I remained until I came home (I was at the gymnasium with the director and inspector, and before, I served a prayer service at the stock exchange in a butcher shop). At home I got angry and shouted loudly at my wife because she was heating a clean shirt at the stove - for a change for me after the perspiration. I didn't want it to heat up. It's hard to regain lost grace. I then had to pray for a long time in order to return at least partially the peace that I possessed after communion of the Holy Mysteries. How long until I learn to listen to my heart and restrain the impulses of passions? How long until I learn meekness, humility, and patience? And all because of my damned flesh, for the sake of pleasing it. What an idol is our flesh! How much diligent service to her! Why are we worried and tormented when we do not receive what we expected or lose some treasure? Because the expected was the idol of our heart, as well as the lost treasure, and because our heart departs from the Lord, the source of living waters, who alone can fill and calm our heart. Let us cleave to the Lord with all our hearts - and no earthly loss will upset us, no unfulfilled expectation of any earthly good, for example, money, a badge of honor, and other things that are all external and perishable. Let's learn to live within ourselves. Let us turn our thoughts to heavenly blessings, to the heavenly reward, which alone is desirable, faithful and makes the one who receives it truly blessed. Obey your superior or bishop as you would Jesus Christ Himself. If the abbot is unfair to you or persecutes you, or speaks secretly against you to the bishop, consider this retribution for your sins and pray for him, so that his soul does not perish for your sake. Sooner or later the Lord will bring forth your righteousness like light and your destiny like noonday [Ps. 36, 6]. If the earthly authorities do not reward you what you deserve, then the righteous Lord will reward you, Who crowned all those expelled for the truth and who did not receive reward here for their labors, sweat and blood. Do not eat, priest, cottage cheese, meat, fish, porridge: they make your heart very hard. Eat the most greens, plants and fruits; Drink grape wine in moderation and unleavened milk. We willingly wear material, gold and silver crosses, but we do not want to wear internal, spiritual crosses - those worn by Jesus Christ, the Most Holy Theotokos, John the Baptist, the apostles, martyrs, saints, hierarchs and all the saints. We must bear the cross of self-sacrifice, abstinence, non-covetousness, patience and so on. It is impossible to give more than what the Lord has given me - for He has given me Himself: He has given it to those who fear You, O Lord [Ps. 60, 6 ]! Everything else that I do not yet have or do have is insignificant in comparison with this good. Let me not be discouraged, but let me always thank the Lord, not desiring vain blessings. The golden cross does not correspond to the poverty of Christ. Bronze is somewhat consistent, wooden - most of all. April 26. Saturday of Holy Week. Evening. All-night vigil. I thank the Lord, who tamed the fierce spiritual storm in my flesh, the storm of passions, embarrassment, oppression, indignation, sorrow, hopelessness 76 due to the unfulfilled hope of receiving a reward - a gilded pectoral cross. I thank the Lord, who has pacified me and enlightened my thought and heart so that I do not regret the unreceived reward as an external one, as an external image of Him crucified, for He has given and is giving Himself to me internally and is my most perfect reward; May I always have Him within me. My reward is with Me, render to each one [Russian: everyone] according to his deeds [Rev. 22, 12]. However, I am a great hypocrite that the deprivation of the expected reward had such a strong effect on me, aroused in me such grief, irritation, blasphemy, indignation, despondency. It's obvious that I wanted to show off my vanity. And what? The cross, which should inspire humility, self-sacrifice, contempt for earthly splendor, love for God and neighbor, long-suffering, obedience, and heavenly habitation. After the death of the Lord Jesus Christ, death is not terrible for us, for it turned into a dream. May we live worthy of our title. Do not turn your face away from any beggar, then the face of God will not turn away from you [Tov. 4, 7]. Remember these words of the Holy Scripture (Tobit). We see that those who have gold crosses on their pectorals treat them with disrespect: they play cards with them, curse during this game, get excited, smoke tobacco and - woe to them! - crucify the Crucified One again! They will receive all the more condemnation [Lk. 20, 47]. Take care that you do not lose the grace of the Lord, this priceless spiritual treasure, the source of living water - cleansing, sanctifying, pacifying, enlightening, strengthening, helping, healing, replenishing, pleasing, giving boldness. But all earthly blessings do not give grace and even deprive it. What good is it to a man, if he gains the whole world, but loses his soul 78 [Matt. 16, 26], or the grace of God from the soul? What ransom do you give for grace? What will you buy it with? - Stab the passions. God! Save me from working with an alien spirit, inciting and disturbing me to desire gold under the pretext of wearing a golden cross on my chest; deliver me from the demon of pride, ambition and vanity, hidden and nesting in my heart and tormenting me with the desire for brilliant distinctions, while I am more unworthy, more sinful and the last of all and should not have any distinction before my brethren, and while I must live in poverty, self-sacrifice, humility, suffering and patience of sorrows - for this is the path of the Gospel, which our Lord walked, and His Most Pure Mother, and the apostles, and all the saints. April 27. Evening. A majestic and prolonged thunderstorm. The night is dark. Heaven and earth and all earthly objects were bathed in light; in the light background of the sky, for a moment many fiery serpentine stripes were formed; Thunder boomed repeatedly. O faith of Christ, heavenly, holy, life-giving, how many benefits you bring me every day! For with you daily I tame fierce, stormy passions, with you I am pacified, with you I defeat my enemies, visible and invisible, with you I put under my feet the invisible adversary who daily and incessantly attacks me, with you I destroy his machinations, with you I always receive success in business, with you I avoid the dishonor of passions, with you I am worthy, even if unworthy, glory; I am honest with you, like a priest, to many; by you, the unknown, we know; by you, O faith of Christ, I am healed from sorrows and illnesses; by you - I am a miracle 79 to many. Oh, indescribable miracle - the faith of Christ, for you truly were and are an unceasing miracle! How worthily I will extol you with my unworthy tongue! How I will glorify your grace! God! Master of faith, You Yourself teach me to always glorify Your heavenly, miraculous faith before everyone! April 28th, 1869 On April 26, being on the Merchant Wall 80 and seeing the foreign merchant ships in distress during their voyage, struggling for several days in the ice, I offered up with living faith, full of hope, an inner prayer for those sailing, as I was taught at that moment by the Holy Spirit, and I left in the hope of the fulfillment of what I asked from the Lord. That same night there was a change in the wind: a warm, eastern one blew; the ice was carried out to sea; there was thunder and lightning, and the next evening a most magnificent thunderstorm; at eight o'clock in the evening heavy rain began and continued intermittently through the whole night; the ships entered the port safely. Glory to the many-merciful and benevolent Lord of the universe! I exalt and will exalt His many-sung, much-glorified, great, wonderful name! Glory to You, who contains all creation by the handful! Before the rainy weather and before the thunderstorm, it was very difficult for me during the Liturgy on St. Thomas Resurrection (I served without a deacon in the Duma): internal weakness, nervous irritability; could not pronounce the names of the reigning house at the great entrance; the voice was weak. Such weather has an extremely bad effect on patients. The sufferings of the merchant Lyubov Estifeeva; relief from the burden of unconsciousness. The night before I drank quite strong tea. It seems that it was hard from drinking strong tea and from immoderation in it, and also from eating cottage cheese at dinner. I sinned before God by furiously tearing out the hair of a beggar boy, who shamelessly, as it seemed to me, demanded from me an increase to the alms given for self-indulgence: many times I gave it to him for business, and he did not want to buy anything from his clothes, but kept all the money, it seemed, for delicacies. (And I don’t feast on it myself?) But why should I raise my hand to the poor, a hand that has been sanctified so many times by touching the Lamb of God, who takes away the sins of the world, the Lamb, with meekness, who uncomplainingly endured us for the sake of the suffering of the cross and reproachful death? The enemy became angry because he did not receive the expected reward. Where is the humility? Do not be arrogant, but follow the humble [Rom. 12, 16]. Look what your deeds are: pride, anger, rage, envy, suspicion, gluttony, covetousness, laziness, negligence! The golden cross would only serve to increase vanity and pride. Humble yourself and submit to the will of Providence, you, most insignificant and most evil. Why arbitrariness? Why anger? Why beating? The devil inspires a passionate desire for the golden pectoral cross, like gold, and to be stingy with giving alms to the poor, and to be furious with them when they persistently ask for an increase in alms, while the Crucified One commands us to deny ourselves [Matt. 16, 24, etc.], and to feed and clothe the poor and in their person Himself [Matt. 25, 35 – 40], and despise gold and silver, forbidding the carrying of gold and silver [Matt. 10, 9]. How can you believe when you receive glory from each other, but do not seek the glory that is from the One God? [In. 5, 44]. So, seek the glory of God, not the glory of men. And in the world it is customary to seek glory from people, for what does it mean to curry awards, insignia - orders, crosses, skufas, kamilavkas and other things, if not to seek glory from each other? And don't we lose faith because of them? – Yes, because we cling to earthly honors and forget about the honors of the heavenly calling, we are hypocrites, we indulge, we caress, we envy, we are proud. Crosses and various awards eat up our Christian life to such an extent that if, when nominated for an award, we do not receive it, then the holiday is not a holiday; and they have become as necessary for many as a good dress for a woman for a holiday, which is why most awards are usually given out for the Easter holiday, like a red egg, or like a red patch on a dress, or like gold glitter, or like a silver star, or like enamel glitter. We are all earthly philosophizers and nailed to the ground. Who is angry, and irritable, and lascivious? - He who eats meat and is full and drinks wine. He often torments others like a beast; he neighs like a horse at women. This is how I was when I ate meat at twelve o’clock in the afternoon. What hinders the spirit of mercy? – Self-love, covetousness, carnal knowledge in all forms, pride and vanity. Be gone, poverty, says pride, I have no time for you, but for myself: I need expensive dishes, balls, theaters, cards or elegant dresses, smart horses, expensive furniture, rich tableware; or: I don’t have enough thousands, I need to save more to secure my future; or: I need it for tobacco, cigars, cigarettes, for a party. But pride and vanity, dressed to the nines in the latest fashionable picture, passes by ragged and dirty poverty with contempt, and barely considers them to be people, and considers entering into their position, talking to them in human language as humiliation, as indecency. Every time a person is angry, or envious, or eats and drinks greedily, or is inflamed with a passionate thirst for money, or is inflamed by fornication, or indulges in murmuring, despondency, blasphemy, or is proud, arrogant, - every time he puts on the devil and becomes, as it were, the devil. Therefore, be attentive to yourself every moment and do not allow yourself to sin for a minute, which in an instant, like an electric current, infects the entire being of a person with its deadly current. You feel the need for human community and mutual conversation and feel satisfied when you are around people who sympathize with you and talk with them. Do you really not feel the need for communication and conversation with God and have you never experienced special contentment and bliss after a sincere conversation with Him in prayer or after singing sacred church songs to Him? Understand that man, created in the image and likeness of God, needs daily communication with God in the thought of God, in prayer, singing, worship, in the Sacraments, and without this communication a person languishes, hungers and dies spiritually. Will orders and other insignia benefit a person’s soul at the hour of his death: golden pectoral crosses, skufs, kamilavkas, etc.? Isn't the strength of a wooden, copper and gold cross the same? Don't good deeds just follow us? Will our orders and crosses not condemn us if we lived unworthy of them or if we received them through cunning, flattery, or gifts? We must try in every possible way to develop and elevate in us the feeling of Christian love, compassion, sympathy for our neighbors who are in trouble, misfortune, illness, death torment, and consider the grief of others as our own. The enemy constantly tries to harden our heart towards our neighbor, to make him crafty and insensitive, at the same time arousing a thirst for earthly things, such as money and other things. We must constantly struggle with our earthly desires and with the ethereal villain and establish love for God and neighbor in our souls. How capricious and proud I am! I want everything to be my way, so that what I want and expect will happen. Not everything is done our way, even in good deeds. One must endure or endure deprivation. Everything is for our good. Strange! We ourselves do not fulfill God’s will in everything, but we want our will to be fulfilled in everything. Ay, bosie! It’s just like the sweetness that rewards have become for us at a certain time, and their deprivation is like the deprivation of carnal sweetness: the flesh is furious, despondent, indignant, envious of others. Here are your rewards, here are your crosses! We have turned to sweetness, to vanity, to idolatry! When you die, you will have to leave everything behind. The less earthly blessings we have, wealth, earthly glory, the easier it is to leave this earth, this life. The less the spirit is enslaved by the flesh, the easier it is to part with the corruptible church - the body. April 29. Tuesday. Radunitsa. He served mass alone in the Assumption Church. Extreme weakness: voice is weak. Strong incitement to anger from the enemy against the reader Vasily of Kamenograd, who showed disobedience to me back in Lent, also, of course, according to the teachings of the devil; the rancor of the devil is in me; Didn’t I myself give rise to disobedience by treating him unlovingly at that time - in irritation and embarrassment? I forgot the words of the Apostle: Brothers! If a person falls into any sin, you who are spiritual, correct him in the spirit of meekness, watching each one for himself, so as not to be tempted [Gal. 6, 1]. If he insulted me, I must forgive him for the sake of the Lord, who forgives me many immeasurable sins; or, if he continues (but he does not continue) to insult me, leave his insult to the Lord, who said: Vengeance is mine, I will repay [Rom. 12, 19; Heb. 10, 30]. And rancor must be uprooted, for who is without sin, and if each of us began to remember other people’s insults or mistakes, then we would not even live in this world. We must remember our sins and humble ourselves and be lenient towards the sins of others, for the enemy acts instigatingly on others, just as on us, and in others, as in us, the thought of evil is attached to us from youth [Gen. 8, 21], and this is our common illness. Good must overcome evil [Rom. 12, 21], and tear hatred out of the soul by the roots. As soon as I begged the Lord to extinguish the furnace of malice kindled in me by the sevenfold opponent; I declared to the Lord my complete powerlessness to cope with it, to overcome it, for the fire of hell was fierce, strong, and swift, although my brother did not show any sign of anger towards me, but calmly did his job. What if he still began to treacherously against me? But this cannot be expected from him. Evil demonic suspiciousness must be abandoned and serve calmly. Why does the enemy, not unsuccessfully, but successfully, work in me every day, teaching me to do his will? Because that I did not deny myself, my pride, to which he incites me. That is why he instantly produces in me anger, envy, hatred of the brethren, and evil suspicion regarding their supposed ill will and treachery towards me. So. Today, having met with the archpriest fathers - comrades Paul and Matthew, I did not approach them with love and sincerity to greet them, but with enmity hidden in my heart towards them, as ill-wishers (as if) and slanderers - and this enmity towards them spilled over into me with deadly poison: I was indignant, wounded, depressed, oppressed, weakened spiritually and physically; I could not pray calmly and make a funeral exclamation at Estefeev’s memorial service. Such a scourge for me is a devilish malice. Oh, how coveted kindness is! How good, what bliss, what greatness of spirit - to love enemies, to wish good and to do as much good as possible to ill-wishers, to pray for them, to pray for persecutors and those who do dirty tricks on us [Matt. 5, 44; OK. 6, 27–28 ]! Here I understand all the greatness, truth and truth of the Gospel! This is where I most clearly see the Divine wisdom of the Lawgiver of the New Testament, our Lord Jesus Christ. Here I see all the baseness, absurdity, madness, perniciousness, or mortality, of our own will, its passionate movements and the need to deny ourselves, both ourselves and each other, and to surrender our entire life to our Head and the Author of our life, the Lord Jesus, as the Holy Church, our mother, daily inspires. God! When will the enemy work in me without success? When I give up self-love, malice, pride, ambition, vanity, envy, lust, satiety, covetousness, despondency, laziness, fornication; when I will always be completely in You and with You; when I will love You with all my heart and seek You alone and my neighbor as myself; when I am sincerely humble, meek, kind, patient and long-suffering; when I will trample upon the glory of the earth as if it were vain, the splendor of the earth as momentary, illusory, and soul-sucking; when I will despise the pleasures and lusts of the flesh; when will I be indifferent to earthly acquisitions, to money, to clothes, to everything that my heart clings to as good, and when my only acquisition will be the Lord and the fulfillment of His commandments? Thou, by Thy grace, do in me, O Lord, all these virtues; Surprise me with Your powers, Your mercies! I am weak for all good, and the longer I live, the more I am convinced of this. I am filled with all kinds of evil. Lying in the abyss of sin, I call upon the unsearchable abyss of Thy mercy: lift me up from the corruption of my passions 81 . Grant me the grace to consider myself sincerely the worst and most sinful, and the last of all; let me consider myself worthy of every attack from my neighbors, every humiliation, every bitterness, persecution, beating, dishonor, because of my sins, and endure everything complacently and generously, as a well-deserved punishment, as a cure, as an antidote to my sins, which are multiplying from day to day. Grant me, Lord, to always show all condescension and meekness towards my neighbors, who, like me, sin every day and hour and like me who need leniency and meekness. The thirst for earthly distinctions, for example, golden pectoral crosses, strikes the soul with spiritual death, sorrow, crampedness, darkness, drives the love of God from the heart and makes a person earthly and vain, distracting from life-giving heavenly wisdom; earthly distinctions, even crosses themselves, become idols for a person, because he craves vain splendor and is vain about what he should revere, what should inspire him with self-sacrifice, poverty, meekness, humility. Never desire these distinctions: if they give you, they will honor you with them, accept them with reverence and gratitude) and learn continually from the Crucified One, at the foot of His Cross; they won’t give it - and don’t complain or regret that they don’t given. Much is required of one who wears a cross on his chest: constantly carrying the crucified Lord in his heart and unwavering imitation of Him. God! I thank You for Your mercy, which is constantly poured out on me, for Your power, for Your heavenly help, which You showed to me yesterday in the church of the Cathedral of the Holy Apostle Andrew the First-Called, when I cried out to You for the pacification of my soul and for the unfailing utterance of the exclamation after the litany of the deceased Love, Thy servant. You poured out deep peace into my heart: I uttered the exclamation as I should. I thank You, Lord, that You pacified my troubled spirit after evening prayer, which deeply pacified me, when I was indignant and deprived of freedom of spirit and the light of God due to regret about not receiving the expected reward (golden cross) and grief at the archpriest. I repented of my vanity - and You gave me deep peace. I became convinced that the power of Your Cross is always with me - in the sign of the cross and in Your name, in my living faith in Your Cross (not gold, but wooden). Grant me, Lord, to sincerely hate my old man with all his passions, indignations, darkness, inertia towards good and complaisance and haste towards evil - and not my brother. Give me, Lord, unfeigned love for You and for those created in Your image, destroy the machinations of the enemy, which they oppose to love at all times. We are all one body [Rom. 12, 5, etc.]; let us unite with the spirit of love: let us flee from enmity from an alien spirit - the spirit of malice. Let us forgive each other's sins: they are from our envious person; let us be patient and long-suffering and merciful. Man, firmly begin to transform yourself with the help of God’s grace. So many outrageous, absurd, ugly passions. Pay all your attention to your insides, throwing away your seductive appearance. I sinned towards the Lord: I greeted archpriests Fathers Paul and Matthew insincerely, with hidden indignation and bitterness, malice and envy in my soul; He was cold towards them, instead of, according to the Gospel, loving them passionately as brothers. Grant the power of love, Lord! There is no strength. In the open space (church-glav.). How much... how much (church glory) - how much... so much. Stichera at the Great Entrance, tone 8; sung instead of the Cherubic Song at the liturgy on Holy Saturday. Dovleti (church glory) – to be sufficient. Otschetiti (Church Glav.) – to deprive, to cause harm, loss (futility). The Great Penitential Canon of St. Andrew of Crete on Tuesday of the First Week of Great Lent, Canto 2, and on Thursday of the First Week of Great Lent, Canto 2. Worker (Church Slav.) – slave, subordinate. Prayer of St. Ephraim the Syrian. Song of St. Ambrose of Milan “We praise You, God...”. Food will give some (church glory) - will it give? Cold (Church Glav.) – to crowd, disturb, annoy. Bezgodiya (Church Glorious) - disasters, misfortunes. In the hedgehog (church glory) - so that. Miracle (Church Glav.) – a subject of surprise. Granite wall of Merchant Harbor - one of the three harbors of Kronstadt. Irmos of the 6th song of the Sunday canon at Matins, tone 2. You might be interested in: