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Memoirs of nun Ambrosia about Hieromonk Nikon On July 30, 1921, the spiritual father of M. Ambrosia, Fr. Anatoly is an Optina elder. For some time she confessed to Fr. Nectaria. On October 1, 1922, the Shamordino Monastery was closed. M. Ambrosia moved with other nuns to Kozelsk. O. Nektary was arrested and was in the Kozelsk hospital. M. Ambrosia recalls: “When I came to Optina Pustyn, I went further to Kozelsk, to the hospital, there they let me through to Father (Fr. Nektary)... I asked him who should I turn to now, who should I confess to. Even when they brought the brother of the deceased, when I went to funeral services every day in the chapel where the elders were buried, these funeral services were mostly served by the young hieromonk Nikon, always so strict and concentrated... And I always thought: here is a true ascetic monk... A few words from him sometimes reached me. Someone said, "That's right." - “That never happens. How good it is to face death with prayer, and for this we need to get used to it while we are healthy, and now the time of fasting is the most convenient time for this, help us, Lord.” - “How to endure sorrow?” – “Rely on the will of God; and about those whom we consider to be the culprits – think, like Mark the Ascetic, that they are only instruments of our salvation.” All these words spoken by Fr. Nikon, made a strong impression on me. And after the death of Father Fr. Anatoly, when I thought about my confessor, my first thought was about Fr. Nikon. But he's so young. I asked Father Fr. Nectaria. And he blessed me to turn to Fr. Nikon. An artel was formed in Optina Pustyn, some of the younger ones joined to work there, but the older ones had to leave. The brethren have not yet dispersed. I was in the church. After the service, Father Archimandrite walks through the church and says: “Father Nikon, we are leaving, but you stay, because pilgrims will come here, there must be a service, and we must receive them, but Fr. Seraphim (newly initiated).” And so the two of them served continuously, and Father Nikon still received the people who were accustomed to coming to the elders for advice. When Father Archimandrite spoke and blessed Fr. Nikon stay there, I remembered the story that Fr. gave me to read. Anatoly. In the story, the ship was sinking, and the captain stood, prayed and saw the heavens open... Now I have even more respect for Fr. Nikon... Quite some time has passed since I received a blessing from Father Nektary. During Great Lent I fasted and confessed to Father Dosifei. But I still didn’t dare to ask Fr. Nikon will become my spiritual father. At the end of Great Lent, I saw Father Anatoly in a dream so clearly, in a schematic skufia, at the height of a man: all in the clouds, only the upper part of his body is visible, his blessing hand is raised, he blesses, I hear his voice: “How can I not bless you when you have been expecting so much...”. Father Archimandrite, Archbishop Micah, who lived there in retirement, and most of the brethren moved to Kozelsk and settled in apartments, and often came to the Optina Church for mass. And finally, on Holy Week (1923), after the service, I came up and expressed my request. O. Nikon did not refuse me, but added that he was inexperienced. He appointed me to receive communion on April 21st. But I didn’t have to on that day, and I asked for April 27 - the day of my mother’s death. From then on, Father Nikon became my spiritual father. He sometimes came to us, to our Kozelsk apartment. At this time, other sisters also gathered with us, and we had spiritual conversations. There were quite a few of us already gathered and I thought: as if there were no unnecessary conversations and distracted life. I asked Father Nikon if maybe he would bless us with silence, and the most necessary thing to say, say, when we get ready for the refectory. Father said: “No, you cannot give such a blessing.” Of course, during the meal we read a life or some other book. I once asked Father what is better to read: the Slavic or Russian Philokalia? “It's completely different. Why it happened that such a gracious and enlightened man as Saint Theophan changed everything is unknown. O. Anatoly Zertsalov, very loving the creations of the saint. Theophan, when the matter of the Philokalia was concerned, was in favor of the Slavic translation by Paisius Velichkovsky. There are changes not only in order, but in the very thoughts (for example, I noticed in Mark the Ascetic).” And regarding Isaac the Syrian, he advised me to take Russian. In general, he expressed that, in his opinion, it is better to read what is simpler, more understandable, namely: Abba Dorotheus, Ladder, Theodore the Studite, Cassian the Roman. “Books like Isaac the Syrian, with deep content, must be read with caution. What is said there for beginners is only accessible to those who have succeeded in our time, but much cannot be applied at all; then there will be a split in the soul. Therefore, such books should be read not in order to fully apply it to yourself, but for the mood. Otherwise it can be very bad: you can fall into conceit and delusion and get damaged. And you need to take the entire essay or the entire article, and not individual thoughts, and you need to look at the whole. This is what Isaac the Syrian said: my teaching as a whole must be taken. Read and accept everything, whatever thought you come across - whether you like it or not, and what is incomprehensible - leave it like that, then, perhaps, you will understand. But you shouldn’t choose your thoughts - this is where heresies arise (“heresy” from the Greek “I choose”).” We have seen that things are getting worse with monasteries and monks. “We will be patient,” said Father. Once they asked: “They say that monasticism is falling because the Jesus Prayer is not completed, is this true?” – Not from this alone, but also from the fact that we do not take care of ourselves, the purity of our hearts. – I advised you to read the preface to the book about the Jesus Prayer by Elder Paisius. “We must endure not only the sorrows that come our way, but we must endure ourselves.” No one should be condemned, not even the sinner himself. Then Ambrose's mother talks about the apartments where they lived. “...We were cramped. I remember our Father Nikon came to us with Hierodeacon Seraphim and said to him: “I brought you on purpose to show you in what cramped conditions people live...”. Worldly people began to turn to me as if they were a doctor. I asked Father how he would bless me. He said we had to dodge. “Go and receive only monastics and those who are not admitted to the hospital or who cannot pay or who are unable to get to the hospital cannot go.” “And I unkindly responded to the worldly’s requests, and the sisters, usually, protecting me, said that I was weak and was not healing... Sister Irina, who worked there in the artel, comes running from Optina Pustyn and says that Father Nikon has fallen ill. I'm leaving now. He then lived in Optina Pustyn in one of the towers on the second floor. Of the servants in the church, he was the only hieromonk and also the hierodeacon, who had just been ordained Fr. Seraphim. Their cells were nearby. State of health o. Nikon was very difficult. Temperature more than 39° – inflammation of the dilated veins of the leg. Unconditional peace is required. The Kazan doctor, who lives here behind the fence, came to see him. He found me at the patient’s bedside, and we discussed with him what to do to give complete rest to the patient. Another hieromonk had already been appointed archimandrite here to replace Father Nikon. And o. Seraphim, as a newly initiated one, must serve in the church twice a day daily; the rest of the brethren who remained in Optina were all enrolled in the artel, each with his own business - the requirements for them were very strict. O. Seraphim offered his room to me, and he himself decided to go even higher, to the third floor, and settle there. And I was on duty for the patient, both for the doctor and for the cell attendant. On the first evening the temperature still rose. I changed the compress. The patient was delirious. I stayed the night, sat at the table downstairs so that I could not be seen, so as not to violate privacy, and at the same time keep an eye on the patient. So several anxious nights passed... Then it got better, but unconditional peace was necessary. Silently I did everything that the patient needed: I would clean the cell, put the samovar on the terrace. And sister Irina brought lunch. Soon pilgrims in need of advice began to arrive after the church service. Father, when he was able, took them lying down. In the morning I won’t have time to read the whole rule, and they will already start begging to be allowed to see Father. I try to give the patient at least some tea as soon as possible. The temperature continued to rise for a long time. Father lost a lot of weight, turned pale, and the pain in his leg continued, but it was difficult to refuse people. Sometimes they came with such great grief and from afar. I first invited people to my cell and from there I gradually informed Father what dire needs they came with. I remember two young ladies in secular clothes came and sat with me. They took monastic vows and were tonsured in the Caucasus, and now had to go to Tashkent. They definitely wanted to talk to Father about their future lives... They sat with me for a long time while Father received others. I really liked them, I was fascinated by them... And when, after their departure, I began to say with a joyful feeling that there are such people devoted to the Lord, Father said in a cold tone: “They are still young, how can one firmly rely on them.” And he himself was young, he was not yet 40 years old (he was born in 1888). He looked strictly at himself and warned his spiritual children. Until the time Fr. the archimandrite decided to leave Fr. Nikon to receive pilgrims in the Optina Desert and blessed him; he almost did not dare to give advice and receive people. And in general, if he gave any advice, it was not from himself, but said that in such a case such and such an elder said such and such. For more than a month, Father did not rise, and I attended his cell, mostly in silence, afraid to disturb his privacy. Every day the holy fool Pasha came to the threshold of Father’s cell. She had been in Optina for a long time, often made scandals and made a terrible noise. One day she attacked Father Anatoly and began to strangle him. You are surprised how patient and loving the elder was, and he forgave such antics and always treated her with love... Father Nikon told me about this Pasha: – Try to make sure that she doesn’t get offended or angry at anything. I tried my best to do this. She demanded that she be the first to receive the blessing, and I took care of this. And the Lord helped calm her down. We had peace with her all the time. In my free moments, when Father was feeling better, I set the order of who would follow whom, and I ran to visit my sick Anisya. And the sisters from Kozelsk often came to me and brought me the necessary things. But then my obedience to Father Nikon ended, and we lived again in our cramped apartment, seven people in number... Sometimes, once a week, or even more often, Father Nikon came to us, and by this time each of us prepared questions that we needed to ask. Having come to us, Father Nikon usually prayed in front of the image with us and, having taught us “peace” and blessing, sat down, and we around him, and a spiritual conversation began. We have been waiting for this time with such joy. By this time, other sisters came, besides us, the seven of us at home. Everyone so wanted a spiritual conversation, many had various perplexities about how to organize their lives, where to live, and spiritual questions: how to deal with thoughts that make prayer scattered. – Fleeting thoughts, to which the heart does not attach, quickly pass like a kaleidoscope. Our mind, like a millstone, never stops, it is always busy. This is not our fault, but from our nature, and these thoughts should not be considered our inalienable property: the same mind cannot both praise God and blaspheme. Therefore, do not pay attention to them, throw them away like rubbish, like something extraneous. But when you notice that some thought is constantly hammering home and your heart is clinging to it, then this is a terrible danger; rather, you have to fight to throw it away, drive it away with the Jesus Prayer, and if you still can’t, confess to the elder. You need to know what is struggling you most, and you need to fight especially with that passion. We must examine our conscience daily. If you try not to even dwell on thoughts, but they change your mood, it means they are reaching your heart—evil thoughts from the heart. “I reproach myself,” said one sister, “for not making very strong efforts on myself in the struggle, efforts to the death.” – Too much tension is harmful. You can lose your strength in vain and become weak. We must protect ourselves with an iron ring of commandments. Each of your actions must be performed only after you have checked whether it is in accordance with the commandments and the Holy Scripture. And even the words must be spoken after you have prayed and checked. Someone asked about the rule. Father said: – It’s better to have a small rule, but one that must be followed without fail. Spiritual life requires you to go forward, but if the rule is too big, then you can go backward, which is already very bad. It is better to celebrate Pentecenten alone; it takes at least 1 hour 10 minutes or even 1 hour 30 minutes. In our monastery, the time was distributed as follows: 2 a.m. morning prayers, 12 psalms of Matins and 1st hour. Rest. At 6 o'clock. morning 3rd hour, 6th, pictorial, 9th hour, for Vespers - 12 psalms; Compline, 2 canons. After dinner: end of Compline and evening prayers. Pentecentenary - according to cells. Monotony is very important for those who go through the Jesus Prayer - the mind does not become scattered, the mind is collected. One nun was very afraid that they would not tell her about her death if she was bad. To this Father said: – The fear of death comes from demons; it is they who instill such fear in the soul that they do not hope for God’s mercy (in John Climacus). The doctor must warn the patient that death is approaching. Even if the patient expresses fear and does not want to be talked to about death, he must warn. One of our sisters said: “I want to live until that time to meet the Lord.” “There is no need,” said Father, “it is sinful to want to live until the coming of the Antichrist.” Such sorrow will then be, as it is said, that the righteous will hardly be saved. But to desire and seek suffering is dangerous and sinful: it happens from pride or foolishness, and when temptation befalls, you may not be able to withstand it. On St. Trinity Father said: – Be filled with the Spirit... What does this mean? After all, we were honored to receive the Holy Spirit at baptism. How many people remember this? It’s not enough to receive, you also need to preserve, improve, multiply, and not bury it. To do this, jealousy must be stirred up. How? 1. Read Holy Scripture. – After all, the holy books were written by the Holy Spirit, and He blows from them. No secular pleasure can give that peace, that joy that is given by the Holy Spirit. - Chants. Psalms. 3. Often participate in the Holy Sacraments, through them the Holy Spirit is communicated to a person. 4. Frequently visit St. a church is a place of special presence of the Holy Spirit. 5. Finally, prayer is a great thing for receiving the gifts of the Holy Spirit, especially the prayer “To the Heavenly King”..., it must be listened to with special reverence not only during prayer in church, but also during work, pronounce it, asking for the help of the Holy Spirit. Once we started talking about clothes: – Monastic clothing was given to us to distinguish us from the worldly, so that it reminds us of a different life. We must look at the goal. Now, during persecution, in order to preserve the monastery, so as not to lose its spiritual leader, it is possible to remove it, but not for the sake of showing off. - Can it be a beggar's or a peasant's? – I asked. – No, in order not to stand out, you don’t need to wear something flashy, but something appropriate and modest. During confession and communion, you can dress like a monk and put on a robe. You don't need monastic clothes to go to a secular church. I had to appear at the court - not the front court, but the monastic court. In general, a white apostle is not necessary, but a scarf. – Is it possible to live on alms? – It’s dangerous because you can get used to begging. It’s one thing to ask for others, and another thing to ask for yourself. In extreme need, you can accept alms, but not that which would cause grief to anyone. When you accept alms or services, you should, if possible, pray for them. – Sometimes some text of Holy Scripture is the answer: is it possible to accept it this way? – we asked. - Only in extreme cases, when you can’t wait for an answer, and with prayer, with the fear of God - not often, only in extreme cases. – If you are not sick and there is no weakness, then there is no need, because the prayers during unction are about healing. We pray for physical and mental health. Physical health is not always given (the Lord knows what is best for us), but mental health is always given. To the sister who was in temptation (she received the letter), Father said: - Although you did not receive tonsure into the mantle, you still had a cassock, and the following prayer is read on the robe: “I thank You, Lord our God, Who in Your many mercy has delivered Your servant from the vain worldly life and called her to this more honest promise: grant her to live worthily in this angelic residence and save her from the snares the devil and keep her soul and body pure even to death,” and further, “cover her with sanctified clothing, gird her loins with chastity...”. From this it is clear that the Holy Orthodox Church also looks at the ryassophore as a vow to God. Be afraid to lie to God. Now, if we add to this the fact that the monk in the robe is tempting you, then I’m scared to think what kind of judgment the Holy Church will pronounce on this. This is what is written in the law: a monk or nun, if they come into the communion of marriage, that is not considered marriage, but fornication or, better said, adultery...” I once told Father: – I don’t have any sadness (and many complained about their sadness). “This is what happens with obedience,” he answered, “it is complete carelessness in faith in the confessor.” Part 3. Conversation on All Saints' Day. – This day ends a number of the most important celebrated events: the Passion of the Lord Jesus Christ, the Resurrection, the Ascension, the Descent of the Holy Spirit. All Saints' Day is the first fruits of the Lord's feat, the firstborn of the Christian Church. Here before us are the patriarchs who lived like wanderers; prophets, apostles who preached to St. Gospel, and they themselves endured such sorrows; martyrs, clergy who sacrificed their lives; saints who achieved angelic life on earth; pious people of both sexes and different ages, among everyday affairs, lived in such a way that they were honored with holiness; great sinners who achieved holiness. Let us each take as an example a saint suitable for our position and we will try to take examples from him with our own will and pray to him for help, so that the Lord will give His grace... “But why do the pious suffer?” “They follow the path of the Savior, but He suffered, was persecuted, mocked, slandered, and so are all those who follow Him. “You will be in a world of sorrow. If you want to live a godly life, prepare yourself for temptation.” – What should you do to make it easier to endure suffering? – Have strong faith, ardent love for the Lord, not become attached to anything earthly, and completely surrender to the will of God. In a conversation with Father Nikodim, one clergyman with an academic education told him: “You can’t live with such childish faith.” And in the subsequent conversation: – Nicholas the Wonderworker was not even present at the First Ecumenical Council: his signature is not among the signatures. “Yes, it’s very simple,” answered Father, “he was deprived of his priesthood for denouncing Arius, that’s why there is no signature.” This is how religiosity has declined in our academies. – And if they blaspheme, how to accept it? - we asked Father. – When you look at a patient, you don’t demand from her that she not cough. So here it is necessary: ​​how to look at a patient. – The main basis of our salvation is repentance. One monk came to the elder and with great sorrow told him that he had previously lived well, now he had lost everything and was almost despairing of his salvation, that another, who had entered again, had preceded him. To this the elder said to him: – A fallen monk, who previously lived well, is like a house that has fallen apart, which, however, can soon be rebuilt, because all the material lies here, and the foundation has already been made and is intact. It is much more difficult to build a house again from scratch; To do this, it is necessary to bring in material, and to deepen the soil for the foundation, to lay a foundation in the ground. So the monk, who previously lived zealously and fell, but did not lose only his will, will soon rise again, since the memory of a previous good life, the sorrows endured during temptation, real repentance, tears, humility - this is ready-made material. But a beginner still needs a lot. There are many monasteries in the Kaluga province, they all disperse around us, that is, around Kozelsk, and there are many monastery dachas. Therefore, many monastics came to Kozelsk. They will be in church, they need to go somewhere to spend the night, and talk to Father, get advice, so they come to us. Or whoever gets sick comes to us too. So, in addition to our own people, we always had several strangers fasting. It was necessary to talk to them. So Father came often; There was a general conversation, and in the case of something special, a separate one. We once had a conversation about obedience, and for me it was an important issue that I thought about more than once. Someone asked: “How to fulfill the vow of obedience when there is no one to obey, no one commands?” – You must be ready to do everything according to the will of God. We must distinguish between two types of obedience: external, for average matters, and internal, for spiritual matters. In external matters, complete obedience is required: without reasoning, do whatever is told. Internally, you must always turn to your confessor, ask him what the will of God is. But his advice must be verified by Holy Scripture and St. fathers, and if he does not agree with them, then you can tell him: I can’t do that. It is good to wish only for what will happen. If you do what you yourself desire and enjoy, then it does not bring any particular benefit to the soul, only the harm here is pacified by the fact that a blessing results. But true obedience, which brings great benefit to the soul, occurs when you do things contrary to yourself, then the Lord Himself takes you into His arms and blesses your labors. Regarding obedience, Father said: “We had such a case in our monastery: one monk was getting ready to go to the monastery shop in winter, and a thought came to his mind: it’s not worth bothering the elder with such a trifle and asking questions. Going to the store will take no more than a quarter of an hour. True, another thought also came - it was better to be blessed. But his first desire prevailed, and the monk went without asking. It was getting dark. The road went through the forest. He walked and walked, but still couldn’t get there. It was already completely dark. What is this? A village can be seen in the distance. It turns out that he has already reached Pryskov. Suddenly some huge monster appears in front of him. Mark (that was the monk’s name) cried out in fear. As he came closer, he saw that it was a haystack. The poor monk's strength completely left him; he hid in a haystack and began to call for help. The peasants came running, took him out from under the haystack and brought him to the monastery. Mark’s right leg was completely frozen, so the doctor suggested taking it away, Mark did not agree, saying: “Let my leg, which walked of its own free will, now suffer to the end.” Indeed, Mark began to endure terrible torment. He lay in bed for 12 years. His leg turned black and began to rot, and worms infested it. The stench from it was terrible. When someone came to visit him, he would say: “Look at the tyrant.” “Calm down, brother Mark, the Lord has forgiven you,” they told him.” Yes, this, of course, is characteristic of His mercy, but I myself should not forgive myself.” Brother Mark acquired great humility. After death, he appeared to one brother and told him that the Lord had mercy on him, and he was now comforted in paradise. And again: “Father Nektary, who was the senior hieromonk at the skete, began to ask the skete abbot Father Barsanuphius not to go to meals. The abbot, not wanting to violate the monastery’s rules, did not bless him for this, but asked him to come to the meal. And when it was time for the meal, he even sent his cell attendant to invite him to the meal. Father Nektary said that he had such upsetting feelings, because not only did the abbot refuse, but he also sent a cell attendant. Father came into his cell with a heavy feeling, but there was nothing to do, he had to go. Then he, calling on the Lord for help, said to himself firmly: “Enough,” and went. He sat down at the table in the dean’s place, since he was the eldest, sat down with the same upsetting feelings, without looking at anyone, came into himself and suddenly thought: “They all came because they were hungry, but I didn’t come out of hunger, but because I was invited,” and such joy appeared in my heart. When he said: “It’s enough,” the grace of God overshadowed him, and he felt joyful. A monk must remain in obedience.” When asked when to agree to treat, Father answered: – When it’s extreme, if you see that you need help, for example, you weren’t admitted to the hospital, you have nothing to pay. In general, you should avoid it, especially if they can do it in the hospital. Someone asked: should I get treatment? – God created doctors; treatment cannot be rejected. To the question: is it possible to sit in church? - Son, give Me your heart. It is better to think about God while sitting than about your feet while standing, said St. Philaret of Moscow. One day, from conversations, it turned out that so many people had gathered with us that there was absolutely nothing to give under our heads, there were only books, which they put under our heads. – Sacred books, they must be treated with respect, it is not good to sleep on them. This is where the conversation began about soulless objects that also have an influence on the Soul: – Bad books under your head can cause sinful dreams, the clothes of a passionate person can influence. Father treated me strictly. When I arrived, and there were others in the waiting room, Father received me last. Seeing that he was already exhausted from fatigue, I hurriedly read from the note that I had been assigned from the patients or some other brief questions from myself, only the most urgent ones, and Father at this time, out of exhaustion, would put his head on the table and listen. And I had such faith in his words that I accepted everything as a law for me, I never had any doubt. And often I thought: is there any obedience here, when everything that Father demands completely coincides with my mood? When something undesirable happened to someone, Father turned directly to me with a reprimand, although I was not involved in it, so from the outside one could think that it was my business. But he once said sternly to me personally (when I said that my sister had done a good job): “Praising to my face is not good, so that this doesn’t happen anymore. Great evil can be brought to a person by praise. The younger ones are entrusted to you and you will have to answer to God for them. Whoever is entrusted to you, you must humble. In extreme cases, for the sake of a brother’s soul, they even seem to be telling lies. One brother, having heard that another brother wanted to leave the monastery, pretended that he also wanted to, and gained confidence in him, and in the end rejected him from leaving. You cannot praise to your face; You also can’t say to your face: “She’s upset because of her illness.” You can’t do that to your face, you can tell others carefully, so that she doesn’t know: “Leave her, she’s sick.” When they asked Father about the book “Letters of the Holy Mountainer,” he said: “Father Barsanuphius was instructed to make a list of books for the skete monks to read, and Father Barsanuphius said: “Forgive me, Holy Father, for crossing out your book; I don’t want those who have found shelter in a Russian monastery to rush recklessly to Athos.” “This book is good.” About the monk’s stay in the world (when M. E was blessed by Father to go to Moscow, where her brother lived, and stay there for some time): “If a monk stays in a worldly house, then they look at him as a layman. A monk cannot remain in the world for a long time: like a fish without water, so is a monk outside the monastery. We must return as soon as possible." One day Father told us about two young men. Two brothers entered Optina Pustyn. After some time, one of the brothers had to leave the monastery due to some circumstances and decided to stay there completely. The brother who remained in the monastery, not knowing about his decision, came to one elder (the head of the Optina monastery after the death of Father Barsanuphius, to Father Theodosius), asked for prayers for his brother and generally remembered him. The elder did not say anything comforting to this, but gave him a piece of paper to read with the following content: “Two rich young men came to the Apostle John the Theologian. Having heard his sermon, they left everything and followed him. After some time, they met their former servants, remembered their former life, their wealth and thought about it with regret. Then the apostle said to the young men: go to the shore and pick up stones there. They picked it up and brought it. And when they began to show it to the apostle, they saw with surprise that all the stones had turned into gold and precious stones. “You see, the Lord has paid you for everything that you left for Him.” But do you really want to lose the eternal blessings prepared in heaven for the sake of short-term pleasure and joy? The elder gave this piece of paper to read and said nothing more. Meanwhile, the departed brother decided to remain in the world. When news of his decision reached his brother in the monastery, he again went to the elder and began to tell him about his brother and what he had decided on. But the elder, to his surprise, could not understand who he was talking about. For a long time he explained to the elder that this was his brother, called him by name, spoke in detail about him, but the elder repeated only one thing: that he did not know who he was talking about. Meanwhile, the elder knew him very well until recently. These two brothers were Father Nikon himself and his younger brother Ivanushka, so enthusiastic and capable. He wrote akathists well, I saw one of them printed with the permission of the Holy Synod - St. Parthenius..., wrote poems well on spiritual topics and told fascinating stories. Part 4.. June 2: Trinity Day – The sorrows of the monks of recent times are subtle, that is, at a superficial glance at them one cannot recognize them as sorrows. But this is only the cunning of our enemy... Obvious, rough and cruel temptations arouse in people fiery jealousy and courage to endure them... The enemy replaced rough temptations with weak ones, but subtle ones and very powerful ones. They do not arouse jealousy from the heart, do not excite it to heroic deeds, but keep it in some kind of unresolved situation, and the mind is perplexed. They languish, gradually deplete a person’s spiritual strength, plunge him into despondency, inaction and ruin, making him a home of passions due to relaxation, inaction and despondency. This is expressed by expecting something better, saying: then we will fast and pray, when monasteries and churches are opened. But the Lord promised that if we repent, our sins will be forgiven, but we were not promised that we would live to see tomorrow. Therefore, under all conditions, favorable or unfavorable, we must try to live according to the commandments of God, fulfill monastic vows and especially remember the words: “This is a favorable time, this is the day of salvation.” Father also said: “You don’t have to give free rein to your feelings, you have to force yourself to treat those you don’t like kindly.” – You don’t have to believe in omens. There are no signs. The Lord controls us by His Providence, and I do not depend on any bird or day or anything like that. He who believes in prejudices has a hard time in his soul. On the contrary, he has joy in his soul who considers himself dependent only on the Providence of God. When I once approached Father about some business, he casually said: “There are sisters who asked to appoint M.E. for the eldest,” he said this and looked at me intently in silence, questioningly. I replied: – Yes, she is more experienced, that’s better; She was more in the monastery, she had to manage the economic affairs in the almshouse, and I was in the monastery so little, and I have no experience. While I was saying all this, Father was silent, and then answered: “No, I can’t do this,” you gave the idea of a community, and started this business. No one else mentioned it, and I didn't say anything to anyone. I just asked Father what I should do: - Do as you did. First of all, we must take care of the spiritual. I was worried about M.N. - if I die, who will take care of her. I would like her to be Father’s spiritual daughter, and he would mentor her. I expressed this desire to Father, and he replied: “Do not trust in your princes and the sons of men...” Indeed, Father is no longer alive... There was a rumor in Optina that the church would soon be closed and the last servants - Father Nikon and Fr. Seraphim will have to move from there. Sometimes there were all-night vigils in private cells with the sisters serving there. This time, for the last farewell vigil, we gathered in the hospital kitchen where the sisters worked. After finishing work they cleaned up and the all-night vigil began late. After the all-night vigil, Father turned to us and said. (See page 188.) Father began to bless everyone. Some cried for him, and Father said tenderly: “Wonderful ones, after all, I am a monk, I made a vow to endure all bitterness and reproach, reproach and exile, and if this comes true, if I endure this, then it is proper to rejoice - this is how the rite of tonsure is performed in practice, and not to lose heart, but you shed tears... It is said: it is appropriate to rejoice when you fall into various temptations.” Father began to get ready to leave and also said: “I remember, when I was still Nicholas, Father Barsanuphius said the following prayerful words over me: “Lord, save this servant of yours. Be his assistant. Protect him when he has neither shelter nor shelter. Amen." We separated. A few days later Father moved to Kozelsk to an apartment where the Optina monk Fr. Kirill Zlenko, also from the monastery. There was a decent room in the front for Father. And there was still room for those waiting. Very close to our apartment. In the evening they came to Father for a blessing and to tell him what was necessary. Now it was fasting, they came to confession. Mother... once said that she did not like my order to the sisters, so that the sister, having finished reading the evening prayers, should remind each one not to forget to repent. Father didn’t say anything then. And then, when I asked him alone what to do, he said: “Do as you did.” During communion, rising to the pulpit, she bowed to the ground. This also confused m..., and she said to Father in a conversation, and he responded: “If you saw the Lord in front of you now, wouldn’t you fall on your knees before him?” Father told me one: -You have pride. They said that not everything was fine with you, and you cried. You have a special sensitivity. Nothing important happened, and you think something terrible happened. On July 23, my niece arrived from Przemysl. When I asked what books she should read, Father said: “The girl’s mind is still developing, it is harmful for her to read secular books, and the theater is not useful, so that passion does not enter, there would be no bread and circuses as with the Athenians,” this is dangerous. In a further conversation, Father said: – I am generally against higher education; It is a rare woman who, having received a higher education, will remain pious. Those with higher education rarely remain believers, even those from theological academy. Sometimes I think: what if I won’t be able to cross myself or I’ll get so sick that my hands will be tied, but it would be nice if I got a cross tattooed on my chest. To this Father said: – You have the Jesus Prayer, which no one takes away, and it will replace the cross. As for the cross tattoo, I don’t like it. – I doubt whether I have love for the Lord. – Follow the commandments, then the feeling will come. On August 11, we found a more spacious apartment for the winter. On Sunday we asked Father if we should cross today? He answered: - It’s not necessary on a holiday, the holiday should be treasured, honored, and you shouldn’t work unless absolutely necessary. This day should be dedicated to God: be in church, read at home and pray, and devote time to good deeds. If you need to sew something for the deceased, then you can do it on a holiday, if necessary, - and he recalled the words: “if an ox falls into a well...” When asked about prayer for the Old Believers, Father answered: “Only in home prayer can we pray, and only for the living, because we still hope that they will convert.” Reading the Psalter (I had the opportunity to read it from an Old Believer) is already half a church prayer. About suicides, about prayer for them, Father gave a story about the nun Athanasius (in the book Ascetics of Piety): The nun’s brother A. committed suicide. To ease his fate, Elder Pelageya Ivanovna Diveevskaya advised her to impose a feat on herself - to shut herself up and read 150 prayers of the Mother of God with bows. After 40 days of such a feat, she saw her brother in a dream and was informed that after such a feat three times, he was given liberation (before that he was chained to a bloody stone), but did not receive bliss. Moreover, another sufferer said: “You are happy that you have such prayer books.” Father Nikon served very well from the very beginning, and they told him: right, you learned the whole service well? He replied: “No, before I was ordained a deacon, I never picked up a missal and read it, because I didn’t know whether I was worthy to be a priest. And only when I was ordained a deacon did I begin to read the missal. When I began to serve, the brethren taught me, and I accepted from everyone what they told me and even asked that my shortcomings in the service be pointed out to me. I accepted everything that was told to me, and then I reasoned about it, and what suited me, I accepted, and what did not suit me, I rejected. Once Fr. served with us in Optina. Protodeacon from Kaluga. I asked him to show me how to serve. He asked me: “Have you read the Teaching News?” I replied: “Yes, I read it.” “Well, I won’t tell you anything more,” he replied. At first I was very dissatisfied with his answer, but then after a while, reading this Teaching News carefully, I was very grateful to the protodeacon for his advice, because from the News I learned that during worship it is not only important to speak loudly, but it is important to perform the service with reverence. Having read from the book of Bishop. Ignatius “On Death”, Father added: “This, my children, is how you should live.” What about us? We only think about how to live a calmer and better life, so that no one will bother us - well, in a word, we want to live in such a way that “our character is not interfered with.” “When I lived in the monastery,” Father said, “my neighbors in my cell were always good, and I lived amicably with them. But the enemy, of course, did not like this, and he often intended to confuse. There were many intrigues on his part. Once there was such a case: my neighbor was heating the stove in the morning, and I was about two o’clock. And so, it happened that I had just closed the stove, when my neighbor began to put on the samovar and, without saying a word, took the heat from my stove bench. Of course, I didn’t feel sorry for the coals, but I was outraged that he did this without asking me or saying a word, and I didn’t want to start talking about it myself. Or another case: I had a large clay jug with which I went for water. I used to bring myself a jug of water, fill the samovar, fill the washbasin (it hung in the hallway), and I still had some water. Afterwards I come back from obedience or from the garden, my hands are dirty, in the ground, I go to the washbasin, but there is no water there, so if you please, with dirty hands I grab the jug and pour water. This means that my neighbor, while putting on the samovar, got his hands dirty and, while washing them, poured out all the water. This happened not once, not twice, but many times. And in this case, I didn’t feel sorry for the water, but I was simply annoyed that I would pour water into the washbasin, but come back with dirty hands and nothing to wash them with. I endured this for a long time, but in the end I could not stand it and revealed my embarrassment to the elder, asking him what I should do. The elder listened to me and said that in such cases you need to do this: simply, without getting angry or indignant, but with humility, asking for forgiveness, ask your brother why he is doing this, and then explain that this confuses you, that it would be better to do it like this, that is, in this case, tell your brother to tell you about it while taking coal from the stove. As for the washbasin, whoever pours the water out last from there should pour water into the washbasin. On the elder’s advice, I finally explained it to my brother, and from then on he didn’t bother me in any way. This is how we need to do it too. If any misunderstanding occurs between us, or it seems to us that they are doing something bad to us on purpose, we need to simply explain ourselves right now, and then any misunderstanding will disappear. This is what Father said about the fact that the sisters who lived not far from us came terribly upset and complained that there were constant troubles between them. Father blessed us to read the prayer at the end of evening and morning prayers: “Whenever my soul desires to be separated from life from the carnal union...” One of the sisters, by the way, asked Father about singing hymns. “Singing hymns is not a sin, but it is good for the worldly: good thoughts, good prayers set a good mood, this is not like worldly songs. But for a monk this does not work, it distracts from prayer; can anything compare with the Jesus Prayer, which surpasses everything. Father Barsanuphius was asked about music. He said that music does not attract him, he does not need it. He had grace-filled heartfelt prayer, and it is above all, it is the highest joy and consolation, all the rest only interfere with prayer. Singing is the softest food, but a monk should eat hard food...” We had a conversation about love for people. I said that my mother said: love people and you will see that they are all good. And Vladimir Solovyov said: love has revelation, the lover sees those virtues in a loved one that are not visible to others. Father said: you must love a person and see the image of God in him, despite his vices. There is no need to push people away from you with coldness... September 26 is Father Nikon’s birthday. After mass everyone congratulated him. Tomorrow is the 40th day of the death of Marisha’s grandmother, and Marisha is going to read the psalter instead of the all-night vigil. Father began to explain this: – There is no commemoration on Sunday; you can only commemorate at the Proskomedia. To better understand, he made the following comparison: “Imagine that it’s the king’s name day, and at this time at the celebration one of the ordinary people would say: I’m the birthday boy too.” This would not lead to a great royal triumph. But here Sunday is celebrated, the resurrection of the Lord, how can any person be compared, therefore all commemoration is omitted. And this is already a relaxation, so sometimes they sing “Rest with the Saints”, this is already in our times, and this should not be done. When asked what is better - whether to communicate often or less often, Father said: – It’s impossible to say which is better. Zacchaeus joyfully accepted the dear Guest - the Lord - into his home and did well. But the centurion, out of humility, realizing his unworthiness, did not dare to accept, and also did well. Although their actions were opposite, their motives were the same, and they appeared equally worthy before the Lord. The point is to prepare worthily for the great Sacrament. There was a rumor that they wanted to make Father a bishop. There was a lot of grief about this. Father said: “I will not leave you voluntarily.” All-night vigil on the eve of St. John the Merciful (secular day of the Angel of Elder Joseph). On the days of especially revered saints, when there was no all-night vigil in the church, Father often served with us or in another house of the sisters, where it was also convenient. - “Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied.” These thoughts were on my mind all the time,” said Father, “when I came across in my corner a report from novice Pavel to the elder Fr. Joseph that he has the desire and determination to live in closer conditions, but not violating the general rules of our holy community, in conditions that would promote and help greater sobriety. In this note Father Fr. Barsanuphius humbly asks the elder to bless him for a more ascetic life and recalls the admonition of St. O. Seraphim that an ascetic life requires determination. When asked Rev. Seraphim, why in the past there were great ascetics, but now there are none, he answered: because there is no determination, but the grace is the same, Christ is the same forever. At Father's Fr. Barsanuphius had this thirst for truth, a strong desire for achievement, from him a spark of jealousy sank into the souls of those who knew him. At the end of his note he wrote: “I want to find means to reconcile with the brothers who are at enmity with me, and live in peace with everyone, not condemn anyone.” Distribution of time at Father Fr. Barsanuphia: 1. Matins - at 7 o'clock I got up after Matins, until it was completely dawn - Jesus Prayer. Then watches and fine ones. Kathisma with a memorial. Cell activities and meals. After the meal there is an hour of rest. He set the samovar himself and drank grass. Cell classes. Vespers and usually dinner. Pentecentenary and revelation to the elder. 3 thousand Jesus prayers. I didn’t read secular books, I tried not to accept anyone, only when absolutely necessary. I didn’t write any letters, but only answered briefly. Part 6. Conversation about the fear of God. October 9. “The fear of God is needed first of all, it teaches reverence, it teaches everything good. A careless attitude towards the shrine somehow results from habit. It happened in the monastery. Father Barsanuphius sees from the window of his cell - one layman, at the entrance to the skete gates, took off his hat and walked through the skete with his head uncovered. At the same time, Father said: “Look, what reverence there is for our shrine, but we, who live constantly, forget and sometimes treat it carelessly... How scary it is when a person has a careless attitude towards the shrine. We must treat sacred and consecrated objects with reverence. Here is the stole, it has only been slightly altered by the hands of an uninitiated person, and must be consecrated again. Scraps from it can be used for bookmarks in the Gospel or the Psalter, and this must be done with caution so that later they do not go somewhere inappropriate, otherwise it is better to burn them. The rosary should not be taken with unclean hands and for the night you should have others; If you lie down without undressing, then you can do these, as long as they don’t touch your body. Prosphora papers must be carefully hidden and burned. Everything must be done with reverence. A monk must have both a quiet voice and a modest step. In our skete there was painted an image of some saint with a charter in his hands, where it was written. And at home we must speak and do everything with the fear of God. Each word must be thought over and pronounced with the fear of God. “Remember,” says Saint Theophan, “that when you speak, you give birth to a word, you uttered a word, and it will never die, but will live until the Last Judgment.” It will stand with you at the Last Judgment and will be for you or against you; by your words you will be justified and by your words you will be condemned. This means with what fear, how carefully you need to pronounce every word, and not like you: you will come to Father and babble at random, without any reasoning. After the prayer service, Father spoke to us: – We have just heard the Holy Gospel about how Simon invited the Lord Jesus Christ to his house for a meal, but did not provide Him with what the custom of that time required not only for a guest, but also for a simple wanderer - he did not give him water to wash his feet. But the sinful wife, known throughout the city as a harlot, did not stop wetting His feet with tears and wiping them with her hair. Everything in this Gospel is so wonderful, every word touches. The Lord is so merciful to us. How we should love Him. When I was still a hierodeacon, I loved reading the Gospel so much, I was simply delighted with every word. What wonderful words in the Gospel. No matter what other book you take from the best writer, if you read it many times, it can get boring, but the more you read the Gospel, the more you like it. To the question: is it possible to do without the Jesus Prayer? Father answered: - Can. One prayed the Jesus Prayer, the other, standing in the church with attention, prayed with the words of church prayers; they also use some other prayers, but the Jesus Prayer surpasses everything. Father Barsanuphius said: you can heat the stove with birch wood, or you can use aspen wood, as long as it’s warm. It is necessary that you always prayerfully turn to God in your soul, no matter what you do. They asked Father if it was possible to pray for someone to appear in a dream? - No, there should be no curiosity. In general, it’s common to think about dreams this way: if elders and holy people in general appear to us in a dream, then this is a sign that they are helping us. This happens before some important life events. And if dead people from relatives appear, then you can reason like this: dead people, they are called that way because they are at rest, and if they appear, then this is a sign that we need to pray for them. At the same time, Father told his dream of how a monk, whose will had not yet been fulfilled, appeared to him in a dream, all in tears. There was an error, and he really wasn’t remembered. The priest made arrangements for his will to be fulfilled; the deceased no longer appeared. Is it possible to turn to deceased elders for help? - It should be like this: first - “God rest the soul of the elder... and have mercy on us with his holy prayers.” They said that many dare to accurately determine the time of the coming of the Antichrist. Father Nikon said to this: – No one knows about the time of the coming of the Antichrist, as it is said in St. Gospels. But there are already signs of the imminent coming of the Antichrist, as the message says: now there is already an Antichrist. The signs are persecution of faith, and we must expect it, the time is approaching, but still one cannot say for sure. There were times before when it was believed that the Antichrist had come (under Peter the Great), and the consequences showed that the world still exists. And what's the point of this calculation? That's not important to me. The main thing is that the conscience is clear, one must firmly adhere to the Orthodox faith, fulfill the commandments, one must lead a moral life in order to be prepared. We must use the present time for correction and repentance - “now is the favorable time, now is the day of salvation.” When I went to Father, he, after everything I had to convey to him, left me and read from the Fatherland about the twelve elders who told about their spiritual deeds. Father stopped at the very last one, who was crying about his sins and said: “The main thing for all of us is humility; we don’t know how to humble ourselves.” And he read from Fatherland: “...one brother asked the Elder, what is humility? “This is great and divine, and the way to it is to consider yourself lower than everyone else.” - “What does it mean to consider yourself lower than everyone?” – “1) Do not notice the sins of others, 2) look at your own sins; 3) pray constantly.” Remember the monastic rule: do not start speaking yourself without being asked.” December 22. – St. Martyr Anastasia the Pattern Maker. Father recalled how on that day he left Moscow completely for the monastery, as if he had broken away from the bonds of the world. On December 9th he was already accepted, the day of “Unexpected Joy,” and went to Moscow to arrange all his affairs. On the 23rd he arrived at the monastery, and on the 24th he settled in the monastery. On this day, there were two coffins in the church - a monk and a novice, killed at the mill - mortal memory. And on January 29, Father was dressed in monastic clothes and went to Fr. archimandrite, and there they told him how cell attendant Fr. Archimandrite Fr. John was still planning to go home, and on that day he died. While visiting Father, she told him: “I went to worldly houses, although I tried to keep myself simple, but still, it was as if I could not escape man-pleasing, and my soul is heavy, and they all ask me to come and be at home with them. - What do they ask for? You can ask for everything, but not fulfill everything. You say: we need to go to work, these are the days now. – There is no need to fight with people, not only in deeds, but even in thoughts, otherwise the demons will win, but only pray for those who offend you, then the Lord will help, and the demons will retreat... Monks prepare for death, they always think about it; to meet death in peace with everyone, but the laity do not know this and do not attach importance to unworldliness. – The Lord Jesus Christ praying in the Garden of Gethsemane is a reminder to the confessor. And to some extent he takes upon himself the sins of his spiritual children. What a great thing it is that only he has to go through. Father cited the following from the notes of Father Barsanuphius: – He entered the monastery with the goal of eradicating passions and understanding the Mysteries of God. – I warn you that at first you can talk, slander each other as if it were a joke, and then it turns into a habit and beware of jokes and careless words. The service was in the evening, because the next day was the day of the Angel Father Ambrose. While reading Kathisma 17, I missed one word. Father was especially strict with me: it used to be that someone who was illiterate would read and misspell every word, and Father would remain silent. But now Father paid attention to the reading and began to say: – We must carefully pronounce the words of the prayer, delve into the meaning, and not strive for too high. Otherwise, when reading the 17th kathisma, you missed the “not”, and the meaning turned out to be completely different. “My eyes have seen the issue of the waters, because I have not kept Your law” - I cry because I have not fulfilled Your commandments. After all, if we read incorrectly, if we do not listen to what we read, then we console the demons (vision of a hermit - I saw an Ethiopian in Tatar attire near me). I feel that Father is doing all this for my benefit, and I am deeply grateful to him, although outwardly it seems unpleasant to others. They started talking about the fear that soon there would be no churches. Father cited the words from the Holy Gospel: “I will build My Church on stone, and the gates of hell will not prevail against it,” and said: – The Apostle says that the breaking of Bread, that is, the Sacrament of the Eucharist, will be until the Second Coming of the Lord. At St. Ephraim the Syrian says that the time will come when the Sacrifice will cease. It's like there's a contradiction here. But no, this is probably how it should be understood: open service in churches will not continue, but the Sacrament of the Eucharist will be celebrated until the Second Coming. “You ask me,” said Father, “to give you a brief instruction.” I'll tell you this: St. St. Athanasius of Pechersk died, but they did not have time to bury him, he woke up and, sitting in a coffin, answered all the questions and requests of the brethren only with tears. Finally, after many requests, he said with tears only one word: “Save yourself, save yourself.” He went into seclusion, remained silent, cried constantly, and died there 10 or 14 years later. Another ascetic was also dying, and when he woke up, he remained silent to the questions of the brethren, and after many requests, he finally answered: “Brethren, believe that there is hell.” Now in the book I came across an expression: When you eat at a meal, remember that you don’t have to eat your fill, you have to leave room for the Holy Spirit, and if you overeat, the Holy Spirit will leave you. - Father, can I say that? - Can. As John Climacus says, it seems: “When you sit at a meal, say the Jesus Prayer so that it mixes with the food.” When asked to give instructions, Father told how Father Barsanuphius humbled a rebellious monk who had to go to everyone to ask for forgiveness and blessings and not watch how he would be received. – The present life, when one has to experience persecution for one’s faith, is useful – it strengthens one’s faith. Two nuns, who lived in a rather large room, invited Father to their holiday and came to tell everyone to come. It so happened that I and several other sisters arrived first. Father was already there and, turning to us, asked: “We feel very good for your holy prayers; we couldn’t wish for anything better; we rejoice in our lives.” Finally, after some time, the last three arrived. Now it somehow happened that the newcomer spoke up and expressed her grief, that there was no oil, we never saw fish, and how hard it was for the sisters to sleep on a straw mattress, and other things like that. As if continuing our previous conversation, Father began to say: – The power of suffering does not lie in the magnitude of the suffering itself, but in how a person endures this suffering. There are apparently insignificant circumstances, which, however, cause the greatest grief to a person, and one must sympathize. The same fact can cause suffering to different degrees. It depends on how a person takes them. When I received the ryassophore, Father Barsanuphius began to treat me more strictly. Once on the twelfth holiday, I came to Father in a white cassock - for this Father gave me a severe reprimand. But I was not offended, but accepted his words with humility. I remember it was like this. I came to Father Barsanuphius, I had to take off my cassock, but where to hang it? There was already a cassock on the hanger, and I didn’t dare hang my own cassock on the old man’s, but folded mine neatly and put it on the sofa under the hanger. Father Barsanuphius began to reprimand him strictly. And it’s remarkable that every time I cared most about doing something better, I was reprimanded. He accepted the words of reprimand with humility and said only: “I’m sorry,” without explaining why he did it. If there had been something for this: they would have been removed from the monastery or something else, well then it would be necessary to explain, but Father Barsanuphius reprimanded them only for edification. There was no need to explain, because to explain means to want you to be on top.” When Father Nikon treats me strictly, he will often tell me some similar incident from his life. – Is it possible to emphasize in the book what I want to remember, what relates to my life? (since Bishop Ignatius says that this will make you vain). – This is a personal opinion, the meaning of any action depends on internal motivations. - Mark it. – A person who is indignant at the vices in the world for some reason does not leave it? “The answer to this is in today’s Gospel: “I do not pray that you keep them away from the world, but that you keep them from hostility.” (John XVII, 15). – Who should I pray to for insomnia? – For insomnia, pray to St. Cyrus and John, unpaid doctors. – Each of us is given talents. These are favorable conditions for salvation. Here we must also mean various sorrows, enduring which with patience, we achieve salvation. One, for example, is given talents - a disease - with it he is saved; to another - poverty, this one is saved by it; to the third - learning; this is wealth and this is how he is saved, some kind of sorrow - all these are talents, which, if a person uses spiritually for the salvation of his soul, all bear fruit. And the one who was given one talent, but he buried it in the ground - this means that, through negligence, he did not take advantage of the favorable conditions given to him by God for the salvation of his soul, did not live spiritually, but used the talent for earthly well-being, that is, he buried it in the ground. When asked what to do in the future, Father often answered: Father read us the questions of Father Barsanuphius and the elders’ answers to them. V. – I am embarrassed that the mind becomes distracted during the Jesus Prayer. O. – Don’t be embarrassed, just say a prayer. The mind is scattered, but still the lips and heart are sanctified by this prayer, which is a great weapon... We have nothing higher and more important than this prayer. V. – I forget what I need to do during hours free from the rule. Can I write it down? O. – It’s possible, but just don’t demand that you do it exactly as it’s written. If you haven’t finished your work, but you need to pray or want to pray, then leave all other work, since prayer is the most important thing. Q. – Is it possible to turn to the deceased elders with a request for help? O. – It can be like this: Lord rest the soul of Your servant the elder and have mercy on us with his holy prayers. Q. – If the younger one does not bow, what should you do? O. – Of course, bow to the first. V. – Bless me to have a friend in Christ, whomever you yourself choose for me. O. – I bless you to have only one friend – Christ. V. – You said that silence only teaches, and passions are healed by temptations. If I don’t go anywhere and don’t receive anyone, I won’t be cured of passions. What should I answer to this? O. – Nothing, because this is a trap for you from the enemy. Don't go and take it. We must also consider everything bad and passions not as our own, but as coming from the enemy. This is very important Then you can only throw away passion if you consider it not your own, but something extraneous. V. – Some of the brethren are unhappy with me because I don’t go to them. O. – It would be better if they were dissatisfied, but still don’t go. Part 8. April 15, 1925. Optina Pustyn. One nun invited me to her place on Angel Day. Father was there too. The sister began to talk about her causeless sadness. To this Father said: “Attachment to visible things produces sadness. So, if you want to get rid of sadness, don’t get attached to anything.” “I’m afraid I’ll survive; I don’t know any handicraft.” -What are you afraid of? You are a nun, and tonsured at that, you took vows of non-covetousness, of remaining in poverty until death. What do you want? Spacious life? They started talking about blasphemy against the Holy Spirit. Father: – If you repent, the Lord will forgive any sin. And the blasphemy against the Holy Spirit lies in the fact that a person believes and knows, but in his soul he has such malice that he is not able to turn to the Lord with repentance, and therefore cannot receive forgiveness, like our atheists. For example: before his conversion, the Apostle Paul persecuted Christians, and what hatred he breathed towards the Lord, but when he turned, he repented with all his heart and received forgiveness, and the Apostle Peter denied at some time, but repented, and the Lord forgave him. On this day, Father Nikon was tonsured into the ryassophore. He recalled this and told how his elder Father Barsanuphius said that on this day the virtues necessary for a monk are remembered: Love (Agapy), peace (Irina), Purity - Snowy (Chionia). If you have love in your heart, then you will have peace; with such a state of heart, you will be able to engage in prayer. Prayer will purify your heart, which means you will achieve the goal of all our exploits - purity of heart. One sister left the monastery long before the closure and began to advise others in the same way. Now she accidentally went into the next room, but when she learned that Father was here, she did not show herself to him. One of the sisters told about her and her advice. To this, Father told Krylov’s fable. The fox wanted to eat it, but its tail fell into a trap. I thought and thought: it’s a pity for the tail, and I don’t want to die, I decided to lose the tail, rushed, and tore off the tail. Then I had to go to a meeting of animals without a tail. There they look at her - some with regret, some with surprise. She’s ashamed... She turned to the foxes: “Sisters, I advise you the same, it’s very good without a tail.” Some believed, and one experienced old fox stopped the young ones: after all, she says this because she herself is ashamed to be alone without a tail. Father blessed me to celebrate the day of his worldly angel on this day. On this day, some sisters came to us. Father said: “Don’t be discouraged. When I read the Gospel at the prayer service to the Savior (Ask and it will be given to you...), I thought: many of you, having not received what you have asked for for a long time, become discouraged. What did the Lord do with the Canaanite woman? As she asked, they even began to beg the Lord to let her go, and the Lord even compared her to a dog. And you pray a little and, not receiving what you ask for, you already begin to lose heart. This is because it is forgotten that a certain time must pass between sowing and harvest.” Father read to us from his diary how Elder Barsanuphius instructed him: – If you see that one of the brethren is not acting as he should, do not be tempted. Remember that all the sick came here as if they were in a doctor’s office: some are sick with pride, some with vanity, some with lustful passion... And here they are treated. When you meet, bow first. Don’t let anyone into your cell without prayer. When leaving and entering your cell, make the four statutory bows. Drink tea at home, don’t go to your cells. Be sure to go to Matins: during Mass the Lord sacrifices Himself for us, and at Matins we offer ourselves (our peace) as a sacrifice to God. Hold on to the pentahundred as if it were a pillar; a great secret is hidden in it. How we must thank the Lord that He called us to the monastery. Don’t think for a single moment that you came on your own – the Lord called you. What could be higher than monastic life? And this cannot be conveyed to another, it cannot be explained. Father remembers how they were dressed in monastic clothes, all with blessings and prayers. “To try on clothes, we received a blessing from the elder and went to Fr. for a blessing. Archimandrite. Then they went to the monastery to get dressed, and made three prostrations in front of the gate. They came to Father, bowed to the ground in front of the icons, bowed to the ground before Father. Father Barsanuphius kissed us and began to pray out loud. I remembered some words: “I thank You, Lord, that I have hidden it from the wise and revealed it to babes...”. After praying, we kissed the clothes and put them on. This was on the day of remembrance of the Hieromartyr Ignatius the God-Bearer. Father could not study with us for long, since we said that when we took the blessing from Fr. archimandrite, they learned that his cell attendant had died, who had just been preparing to go home, to the world, and even, it seems, completely from the monastery, and so the Lord stopped him, he died without leaving the cross. Father Barsanuphius had to leave, and he only told us that the main virtue of a monk is humility. - Humble yourself, humble yourself and humble yourself. Celebrate Pentecost between 9 and 10 o’clock; let this be the time you have for Pentecent so that you can get up cheerfully for Matins. One of those present said that he recognizes a person by his face. To this Father said: “You can’t think like that, you can’t judge a person by their looks, you can easily make a mistake.” Fr. Benedict, who was the abbot of the monastery, saw Fr. standing. Arseny, with an angry face and not taking blessings, was surprised and thought, “What’s wrong with him?” And then it turned out that Fr. Arseny did not even leave his cell, and all this appeared to be from the enemy. “Don’t forget to take a blessing when entering your cell and say a prayer.” It seems that Father sent me on business to Vladyka M. “If you suspect that they are not doing what you give your blessing for, it is not your fault. They ask to go into the garden, so bless them. God will bless you in the garden, but if they go anywhere else, then without a blessing. Malyuta Skuratov, when he came to St. Philip to strangle him, he came under the blessing and said: “Bless, Vladyka.” The saint said: “I bless the good for the good,” and blessed him. Father said: “You need to reprove in such a way that she doesn’t get upset, even alone, and if she doesn’t listen, then in front of witnesses. Women suffer from deceit. “You must reprove if you notice something bad.” Father Barsanuphius sometimes liked to take a walk in the forest, but he never called it by this word, but called it “walking” (these words were said after I asked if it was possible to let the sisters go for a walk in the forest). Sister Anna grew weaker and weaker; a terrible tumor spread from her chest to her right arm and caused incredible suffering. Father blessed her to prepare for tonsure, which was scheduled for June 14, 1925. Father said: “The time is unfavorable for both external and internal monasticism. It is unfavorable for external monasticism in that there are no monasteries. For the internal one - that in anticipation of death, with weakness, you cannot carry out feats, there is only one thing left for you - to humble yourself. You must humble yourself - this is the most important and necessary thing. “The sacrifice to God is a broken spirit, a contrite and humble heart, God will not despise.” Better a humble sinner than a proud righteous man. You must cohabit with the Lord, that is, live together through the Jesus Prayer - in your mind, in your heart, in your thoughts and in your mouth you must have: “Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.” I wish you to keep your monastic vows, and then you can hope that you will be saved.” Someone asked: what does pagan vacillation mean? - Pagan vacillations - all the changes that a person sees around him in the entire structure of our life, but a monk should not imitate them - here everything should be unchanged. A monk must speak and do when necessary, without succumbing to various fashions, customs and rules of false decency. There was a conversation about co-questioning: – Very often, many suffer from this disadvantage - everyone asks why, what is this for, etc. And I, at least a little, had this disadvantage, and even, I remember in my notebook there was still a question left - why do we go to the parade for lunch, but not for dinner. But then I began to think - why do I need to know this? – this knowledge will not bring any benefit to the salvation of my soul... And Father Barsanuphius came to his elder Fr. Anatoly with various questions, and he said: “go, go.” - But I read the bishop’s article. Ignatius “The destinies of God,” said Father Nikon, “and I had a turning point, I realized that there was no need to test the destinies of God. When St. Anatoly the Great thought about such questions, then he heard a voice: “Man, it is not your business to test the fate of God, humble yourself.” Father Nikon often thinks and regrets the time when he could devote himself entirely to prayer and other monastic deeds. Now he has no time, absolutely none. Turning to the patristic books for clarification, he finds there words both for and against. John Climacus quotes the words of Ephraim the Syrian in his “Word to Shepherd Nicholas”: it is harmful to want to lead others. Arseny the Great says: “I love you, brothers, but I cannot be with you and with God.” And the Holy Gospel says: “What good is it if you gain the whole world, but lose your soul.” I contacted Elder Nektarios and received an answer from him that there was no need to leave. There is a dream in the life of Elder Parthenius. The elder saw a bear that wanted to tear him to pieces, but the spiritual children grabbed this bear. “All this happened to me not without the will of God,” Father said to himself and decided to rely on the will of God. – Just recently, when I was in the monastery, the thought came to me: I have nothing: I have neither internal monasticism, nor external feats. And with the eyes of my soul I do not see monasticism in myself, and in order not to perish, I decided to follow the path of obedience. This is the most important thing for a monk, then the mood will be good. A monk should not arrange his life according to his own thoughts. And after such a decision, I did only what they told me, and I was calm, and I would like to always have such a mood. They told me: go from the monastery to the monastery, and I moved, although I didn’t want to, and in general, whatever they told me, I did. Father o. Nektary the last time (when they went to his farm) told me wonderful words (I don’t remember, from Isaac the Syrian or from Ephraim the Syrian): there is nothing more destructive for a monk than to organize his life according to his own intellect. At Father Fr. Nektary has special powers of observation; he has seen and observed events over many years. He told me about Fr. Venedikte. Father Venedikt was made the skete librarian at one time. While sorting through the books, he came across a book or manuscript of the bishop's word. Kaluzhsky Grigory. There were three words: 1st to the monastery monks, 2nd to the monastery monks, which talks about obedience. Father Benedict was delighted with these words, especially about obedience. Now six months have passed, the bishop comes to Optina Pustyn and, turning to Fr. Benedict, says: I want to introduce a more monastic direction in such and such a seminary and therefore I ask you to accept the position of inspector or director. To this o. Venedikt began to bow and say that he could not. The bishop tried to persuade him for a long time, but Fr. Venedict still stood his ground, kept asking not to appoint him, and knelt down. The bishop finally said: “A slave is not a pilgrim,” and left. More time has passed, perhaps several years. Father Fr. died. Ambrose and Fr. Anatoly Zertsalov. They chose Fr. Joseph and Father Benedict were bypassed. He remained in the shadows. He was visited by sorrows, what kind and for what reason - I don’t know. During these sorrows, he began to lose heart, could not stand it and wrote to his relative in St. Synod, that it is difficult for him and would like to take some position and transfer. After some time, a decree was received from the Holy Synod on the appointment of Fr. Benedict as archimandrite to the Borovsky Monastery. Here about. Venedikt immediately got ready and left for Borovsk. And so, what he did not want to do out of obedience, he willingly did on his own initiative. Then he refused, but he still had to fulfill it. And maybe that’s why they found grief on him. Therefore, of my own free will, I do not want to do anything on my own. True, sometimes thoughts flash through my mind - should I leave, should I run away from clergy, should I pretend to be a fool. But these thoughts run through my head frivolously. I don't dwell on them. In my soul, my mood is still the same; I want to live by obedience. Of course, I would like to live in solitude, observe silence, feed on the wonderful works of St. fathers. But I will not arbitrarily abandon what has been assigned to me by God’s Providence. They asked what could be done to console the parents of a suicide. “There’s almost nothing comforting to say about this,” said Father. As Father Leonid said to Fr. Paul’s prayer: “Seek, O Lord, the soul of Thy servant (name), if possible, and have mercy. Your destinies are unsearchable. Do not make this my prayer a sin, but let Your will be done.” Nowadays there are many suicides because there is no faith. - Say a good word. – I have kept my faith, that’s what you need to take care of in order to be in the faith. And our sick Anisia said touchingly: - What will I wear there? “And with humility,” said Father. From holy words come holy feelings, and Father made me read St. Gospel of John. Why isn’t fasting celebrated at mass every day? – Mass is the victorious hymn of Christianity, and fasting is a time of mourning and repentance. Therefore, it is not appropriate to interrupt the time of mourning with the celebration of mass; they do not serve unless absolutely necessary. But there was a need during the war. “There are very few necessary words,” Father Ambrose said, and Father warned us with these words not to talk idle talk. The sisters asked: “How can we love each other?” - As Christ commanded. A monk must be entirely in God. When asked to say something in favor of the soul: – I will teach the meek my way (the psalm is read at the 3rd hour) – this is what it says in the psalm. Only God teaches a person, and only on condition that the person is meek and humble. God teaches only the humble. Father came to give communion to the sufferer M. Afanasia. “It’s a cruel disease, but sweet is paradise, and for paradise I destroyed it, now I’m putting aside my perishable vestments, so that I can receive paradise again,” he said as he left. On departure of Matresha (m. Maria): - Sobriety is the path of all virtue. Now there can often be such cases: you cannot follow your will and there is no one to ask. What should I do? “We need to think about what the Lord would have done with his meekness.” Surrender to the will of God. The commandments have always been the basis of life. – In order for there to be spiritual fruit, certain conditions are needed: a good word and good soil, but fruit is produced only in patience. There have been so many cases when a person fell into despondency and everything was lost. If someone decides to endure and says, “Even if I die, I won’t give up,” he achieves what he wants, that is, salvation. In your patience gain your souls. Explanation of the Gospel reading - the taming of the storm by the Savior. There has never been, is not and never will be a carefree place on earth. A sad place can only be in the heart when the Lord is in it. In sorrow and temptation, the Lord helps us, but does not take them away from us, but gives us the strength to endure them and not even notice them. Father showed us by example what meekness can do. It happened that unreasonable people spoke lies and reproaches to Father’s face, but he meekly did not object to this. How guilty I was, seeking human truth and not finding it. Silence prepares a silent person for prayer, how it has a beneficial effect on the soul, even the appearance of a silent person is transformed (when Father Elder came to the hut, he was involuntarily greeted with the words: “How good you are.”). “I don’t read carefully,” I said, “and I miss a lot of the most important things.” – You need to read slowly, even if only a few lines a day. Coming to the priest, I, among other things, asked: “If we have anything, I don’t share it equally with everyone.” To this Father said: – The first Christians lived unanimously, sold their estates and brought the proceeds to the apostles. In their hostel, everyone was given according to their needs, not so that everyone necessarily got the same amount, but what everyone needed. In a monastery this question is more complicated. It is important not only to determine what someone needs, but also not to arouse envy in others. We must look at what is healthier for the soul. A blessing to live in complete obedience. Psalm 120 – “I have lifted up my eyes to the mountains, but from nowhere will my help come.” – We were told in response to the words of one sister that Sarov and Diveyevo were as good as before. Now there is no quiet place anywhere, as it is said in the Gospel: “Some will run to the east, some will run to the west.” Now you just need to remember: “I have lifted up my eyes to the mountains, but from here my help will come.” Only there should we seek help from the Lord, and not rely on either a place or a person. The renovationists took into their hands the miraculous image of the Kaluga Mother of God and proposed such a condition that if we take the icon, then we would pay, it seems, three rubles for each day. We Orthodox Christians must not support heresy and have fellowship with heretics. Nowhere does it say that one should pray only in front of the Kaluga Icon. Every other icon of the Mother of God is also a shrine. Even if we had to suffer, we would not betray Orthodoxy. How praise harms a person. One hierodeacon served well: simply, reverently. And so the bishop once praised him, and from then on he began to think that he was serving well, and this spoiled him so much. He began to change his voice, add inflections, and lost his simplicity and naturalness. Praise is terribly, terribly harmful. One sister asked: “Why is it that when I hear worldly music, I feel sadness in my soul?” “The priest answered: “The Bible can explain this: Adam had sons Cain and Abel.” Abel and his descendants were closer to God, and in Him they found consolation and satisfaction, and did not strive for anything else. The descendants of Cain were far from God, their mind and soul did not cling to God, so they were not satisfied, they were yearning, looking for something else, hoping to find satisfaction in something else: in music, in the arts. The work of a monk must be in secret, and the Jesus Prayer is called secret work: - Even keep it secret from yourself, as the Gospel says, so as not to blow the trumpet to yourself and to others when you do something. - Better secret. Father Barsanuphius responded with a comparison: “If you take a bottle of good perfume, when is it best to preserve the aroma, when will you keep it closed or open? – Of course, when it’s clogged. Likewise, a spiritual person will preserve his spiritual treasure better when everything is kept secret.” How sometimes some word, some thought will reach my heart, because I had often heard it before, but did not pay attention. But now I heard it and it seems that I heard something new, and it reached my heart, and my heart changed. Once I heard the missionary Pepinsky (he lived in Optina Hermitage) singing: “I have waited for You for a long time, Lord, and You bowed down to me.” And these words touched me so much and touched me, I felt sorry for him and went to take care of him (to lift the ban from him). Pain, painfully painful, but past the vain illnesses of illness. - Monastic illness is work - so that it does not turn out to be in vain. They pray to the Holy Martyr Tryphon especially during mental suffering and sorrow. In addition, he has an incantatory prayer against mice and all sorts of harmful animals. Father bought himself an icon of St. much Tryphon on September 9, 1909 in the Gethsemane monastery. Much in his life is connected with this saint of God. When Father was blessed in the monastery by his confessor, he sent him to the bishop for a blessing. Tryphon (his friend at the academy). It was a week about the prodigal son, and the bishop spoke on this topic and sermon. “And then,” said Father, “let’s pray to the Great Martyr Tryphon. And the first prayer for monasticism was to this saint.” Psalm 117 The priest said: “The Lord is my helper, and I will not be afraid of what man does to me. The Lord is my helper, and I will look upon my enemies. It is better to trust in the Lord than to trust in man. It is better to trust in the Lord than to trust in princes. All the nations have conquered me, and in the name of the Lord I have resisted them. (This refers to the Jesus Prayer. Thoughts surrounded me, and in the name of the Lord I resisted them.) They cheated me and resisted them in the name of the Lord. (Enemies surrounded me with thoughts on all sides, and I resisted them, I fought with them in the name of the Lord.) You have eaten me like bees on a honeycomb and burned like fire among thorns, and in the name of the Lord you have resisted them.” This is how to fight thoughts. Father Nikon recalls how Father Barsanuphius came out to them in the monastery that day in his stole and with a cross in his hands said: - So I say to you on the day of the Apostle John the Theologian and with a cross in your hands: love one another. Without love, Christian life is unthinkable. The first Christians loved God, they loved every person, because if you love the one who gave birth, then you love the one born of Him, and every Christian was born of God in the sacrament of baptism. The Holy Apostle said: “Children, love one another, humble yourself, humble yourself.” Because if you love someone (and you need to love everyone, because every person is the image of God, even if he, that is, the image of God, is contaminated in a person, he can wash himself and be clean again), then you humble yourself before him. Where there is love, there is humility, and where there is anger, there is pride. I ask and wish that there is love between you. Day of the Angel Father Nikon. Holy Gospel ch. John 15:27: “And you bear witness that from time immemorial you have been with me.” This is how the Gospel read on St. Day ends. martyr. “I especially focused on these words,” said Father. – The martyrs, experiencing terrible torment, could only endure it because they were always with the Lord. - “You have been with Me from time immemorial.” “And we can endure our sorrows only if we are with the Lord.” I wish that you and I will be constantly with the Lord. You know the history of today's holiday, how the Mother of God appeared in the Blachernae Church, spreading her omophorion over the worshipers. She seemed to cover everyone with Her grace. It was not anyone else who saw this, but only the blessed fool for Christ’s sake and told others. Why did he see it? But because the spiritual can only be seen with a purified eye, a purified heart. And over us the Mother of God continually extends her omophorion - Her grace, but we do not see the Providence of God, and we often do not notice the care of the Queen of Heaven for us, although we are constantly surrounded by them. Why is this so? Because we do not try to cleanse our hearts of passions. So, when we come to the church of God, we bring the same vanity, the same passions. And the Lord said: “My house will be called a house of prayer, but you will create it as a den of thieves.” In the church of God, in His house, instead of praying, we think about what we should not think about and desire what we should not desire. According to spiritual understanding, every person is also the house of God; he is destined for the Holy Spirit to dwell in him, so that praises to God are constantly raised in him. But God can only be in a pure heart; a place must be prepared for Him. How to do this? – cleanse yourself of passions and pray. Then our heart will be a church - the house of God, then we will see God’s care for us and we will constantly praise Him. And there is no higher happiness than praising the Lord for us. I ask and wish that we all continually try to cleanse our souls of passions. May God help us. Let us pray to the Queen of Heaven about this. Brother from brother we help... We need to help each other. If we rely on the will of God, everything is good, even troubles, everything leads to the salvation of our soul, and at the same time great wisdom and depth are revealed. For those who love God, everything will work out for the good. – You need to listen to your spiritual father from the very first word, you don’t need to force him to repeat it several times. I would like you, my spiritual children, to treat me according to your conscience, and I will treat you according to your conscience. What kind of relationship did we have with my spiritual father, Father Barsanuphius? He will say, it used to be, do this, oh. Nikolai, and I didn’t have to repeat it to him. From the moment of communion until the communion is drunk, one must be careful not to spit, and nothing is said anywhere about what follows, but out of reverence they try to beware of spitting all day long. There are no indications of this anywhere and there is no sin here, but out of reverence they try to abstain. – How good it is to be in church, to hear sacred prayers, chants, psalms. I was reading kathisma by M.L., and there: “My bone is not hidden from You, which You have created in secret.” My thoughts will not be hidden from You, which You have created in such a way that they (that is, our thoughts) are hidden from everyone. What depth is hidden in the psalm words. I loved monastery matins. Of course, the reader doesn’t have time to figure everything out, but at least some idea sticks, and that’s good. – How everything earthly is fragile: both beauty and health. We must thank the Lord, recognizing our weakness, our unworthiness. Give thanks with humility. You need to speak firmly if the matter requires it (in response to my words “how difficult it is for me”). There was a question: how to prepare for death? “You have to think that only this day is given to you, you can’t hope for tomorrow.” Every sinner is promised forgiveness if he repents, but no one is promised tomorrow. Read in the 3rd volume of Ignatius Brianchaninov, page 141. “Let none of you say - now I’ll live somehow, but I’ll move to another apartment, get settled, then I’ll pray. But can you really expect to be alive tomorrow? Always remember: this is a favorable time, this is the day of salvation.” I ask you, my children, save yourself. About the psalm, which was the last words of the dying Fr. Anatoly Zertsalov “Arise my glory, arise the psalter and harp, I will arise early.” - The man was crowned with glory and honor. And from what glory he fell. How exalted is man? For all people who have pleased God from all eternity, the Holy Sacrifice is offered. And a person often forgets such an honor. And this happens through sin. Such oblivion sometimes happens for a long time, for several years, for tens of years - sometimes for several hours. And the man comes to his senses and says: “O man, where is my dignity, so highly respected by God?” And he exclaims: “I will rise, I will rise early.” Night is around him, the darkness of sin envelops man. The enemy takes him away and says: “Wait, don’t rush, there will still be time, you can pray, it’s still completely dark.” But the man does not listen to the enemy, he sees that it is still night around him, but he hurries and exclaims: “I will rise early.” And the Lord hears this repentant person, no matter what the situation is. (Father Barsanuphius’s story about his uncle.) After the fall of the first man from such honor and glory, the Lord could not see His creation fall, could not see his humiliation, and saved him by His suffering, by His Resurrection. He brought it to its previous state with dissolution, that is, with the opportunity to improve. This ability to improve lies in the highest good that we receive spiritually, divinely. Everything that can be easily achieved loses interest as soon as it is achieved. And spiritual improvement is endless: “Be perfect, as My Father is perfect.” One of the sisters seemed to have fallen asleep. And Father said: “Why be embarrassed by this. There is even a case in Acts when the apostle was speaking, and at that time one young man fell asleep and fell.” “The law of His God is in his heart, and his feet will not falter.” How can you keep God's law in your heart? – The law of God must first of all be remembered. To remember, you need to know, and to know, you need to either hear or read. As the apostle said: “To do this, you must first of all have a desire to know the law of God.” When a person remembers the law of God, he must also translate it into his heart. Because cold knowledge of the law of God will not give him the right life. For this, the heart must be forced, since only the needy delight it. And everyone's heart is corrupt. Correct understanding remains only for a certain time, in certain cases, and not always. For example, a person leaves the church and already believes that he does not need to remember his Christian responsibilities. This is a deep mistake. It is necessary that our entire life be built according to the law of God, then there will be purity in the heart, then God will be understood in our mind and heart. We must arrange all our activities so that they are according to the will of God. – This is everything that is subject to passions, that is far from God. We feel good, thank God, we live in the desert of the world. We can go to church, we can talk with like-minded people. - How should I deal with them (mother and blind son)? Help them? - As you want to be treated with you, do the same with others, with every person. “They said bad things about me, but now they’re turning on me.” What should I do? should I shy away? - No, it will be as if in revenge, and you, in a Christian way, if you can, help. – Here are the penitential chants in the Octoechos – how does anyone feel about them? - they asked Father. To this, the priest told how two monks were put in prison for 40 days for the same crime, and when they were released, their appearance turned out to be different: one lost weight like a sliver, and the other came out pink and joyful. The brothers asked what each of them thought. One, who became thin, lamented his sin, reproached himself and cried, asked the Lord for forgiveness, and sincerely repented. And the other, realizing the full severity of his guilt, thanked the Lord from the depths of his soul that He, in His mercy, allows him here to endure and repent for his grave sin. The brothers prayed that the Lord would reveal to them whether these two brothers were forgiven, and they learned that they were both equally forgiven. Father remembered and told us how on January 29, St. much Ignatius was dressed in a cassock, and after praying with the elder he went to church. Father o. Nektarios congratulated him with the words: “I wish you to go through monastic life with humility, patience and gratitude.” Elder Father Barsanuphius said: hold onto the pentahundred as if it were a pillar; it contains the secret of monastic life. You cannot be a monk without the Jesus Prayer. Hold on to it like a lifeline. Part 11. November 8. Day of the Archangel Michael - Father, my elder Fr. Barsanuphius (as Father Nikon said) often spoke about his monastic life and expressed himself like this: “I tell you this so that you do not rely on man, but rely only on God.” When I was a novice of the ryassophore, I suffered a lot of persecution, and I grieved so much that I even had thoughts of leaving the monastery. But in my grief I resorted to the Lord and the Mother of God - I prayed in front of this Kazan icon, with which some miracle also happened. One nun wrote it in one day and, when she wrote it, she was amazed that the work went so easily and quickly. It seemed to her that her hand was writing by itself. And it seemed to me that the Queen of Heaven Herself seemed to be looking at me and comforting me in my sorrow. And I told myself - I’d rather die than leave - I’ll endure everything, I’ll endure everything. And could this persecuted novice think that in a few years he would be the abbot of the monastery and would sit here. One monk thinks: I won’t wear a rosary, I don’t pray, and maybe it’s even a sin that I’m not showing what I have. Is this correct? - No, this is wrong - even though I’m not praying, I’m holding them in my hand, I’ll look at them and think: here I am a monk, I must pray unceasingly, and I reproach myself, and this is for the good. One must love monastic clothing; it even saves the monk from evil. This was the case: one brother was tempted, he decided to buy vodka and drink it, he went to the tavern, there were customers. The woman saleswoman, seeing her in monastic clothes, asked: “What do you want, Father?” I shamed my brother with such a question, and he answered: “Half a pound of raisins.” Thus, monastic clothing saved me from temptation. – How to ask for forgiveness? – asked one sister. – Is it enough to just say: “I’m sorry”? – We must say “sorry” and wait until the spiritual father expresses everything in response. Bow slowly, as if to stop the reprimand and listen to everything with attention. It is very important to remember the thought expressed by Saint Theophan: “In order to get rid of any passion and succeed in spiritual life, we must have a firm faith that with God’s help this is possible, we must firmly believe that we were given grace at baptism, at tonsure. You must have zeal to succeed, and to have zeal you must believe that all things are possible in the Lord. Without this faith it is impossible to succeed in spiritual life. When Fr. Agapit expressed to the seminary teacher his desire for a monastic life; at first the teacher dissuaded him that he was still too young, but then, when he saw his firm desire, he said: “Well, okay, go ahead, you can enter my monastery.” O. Agapit did not know and asked: “Are you a monk?” This question reached the heart of Father Archimandrite, and with a sigh, with self-reproach, he said: “Yes, indeed, I am not a monk, because I have no monastic affairs.” He said this with regret, with self-reproach. Such an answer could not anger God. External and internal monk. One bishop, having arrived at a monastery, asked the abbot: – Do you have any good monks? The abbot called and said: - Here is a good blacksmith, here is a good craftsman, etc. The bishop listened and said: “I asked you to show me a good monk, that is, one who does prayer or humility, and you show me good masters.” There is a lot of this in the world. The bishop left and then replaced this rector. “You know what is needed for salvation, but just try to kindle jealousy and rely on the will of God.” There is no need to seek human truth, seek only God’s truth. Do not be offended (regarding the service books given to me in the almshouse). “Is it necessary,” I asked, “as the “Wanderer” explains to the blind according to the Philokalia, when praying, look with your mind at your heart? - No, it’s not necessary, this can cause harm, but the best thing, as Bishop Ignatius says, is to pray with humility, and the Lord Himself will send His grace. When you sit waiting, say the Jesus Prayer. Rely in everything on the will of God. Be patient, humble yourself. Pray more earnestly to God for others, especially those who are not peaceful towards you. Be honest with your spiritual father. Remember death. I would be pleased if the elder treated me this way. (Probably, Father noticed an expression of some kind of resentment on my part.) No matter what happens, always say: God’s will be done. There is no need to be discouraged, but we must remember that a certain amount of time must pass between sowing and harvest. In addition to our family, many more sisters gathered. And Father during the conversation said: – The spiritual father only shows the way as a pillar, but you have to go yourself. If the spiritual father points, and the student himself does not move, then he will not go anywhere, but will rot at this pillar. How to look at talents that are considered talents from a worldly point of view, and what to do when regret is expressed that they are buried? For example: intelligence, learning, musical ability, medical skill, etc.? It’s good when you can combine such an ability with work for God, so that all this does not interfere with the salvation of the soul. But if any of these specialties prevents you from living for God and being saved, then you need to give up everything, it’s better to be stupid, but be saved. What good will it do you if you “gain the whole world but lose your soul”? Here is Elder Alexy Zosimovsky. He was a priest in the Assumption Cathedral. They tried to persuade him not to leave, since he, like a venerable old man, would be an adornment of the cathedral. But having gone into a monastery and even into seclusion, and as if having destroyed his soul, that is, his spiritual abilities, he acquired spiritual ones, which lead to eternal life. And even now it brings more benefits and is known throughout Russia. On this day in 1917, I arrived at the monastery and entered it. Now Father Nikon came to us and began to talk about his elder Barsanuphius, about his instructions to spiritual children, which contained the thought: life is bliss. One might object: how can this be if all around us in life we ​​see sorrow, suffering, and deprivation? But Father taught everything: What is it? – Our Lord Jesus Christ answers us what bliss consists of. – Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven. This means that the blessed are the humble, that is, those who recognize their sins and their unworthiness. From one commandment follows another - whoever recognizes himself as unworthy and a sinner, he weeps for his sins and, thus, keeps the second commandment: Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. He who recognizes his unworthiness, who weeps over his sins, cannot be angry with another, he will be meek following the example of the Savior, Who said: “Learn from Me, for I am meek and lowly in heart... and in this way we will fulfill the third commandment - blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth. Such people will desire with all their souls only the truth of God - if they fulfill the fourth commandment: blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be satisfied. Having fulfilled all these commandments, a person so cleanses his heart, prepares himself in such a way that no suffering and hardships endured for the Lord’s sake are no longer burdensome to him. Blessed are you, when they revile you and persecute you and slander Me in every way unjustly, rejoice and be glad, for great is your reward in heaven: just as they persecuted the prophets who were before you. When the priest, blessing, says a prayer - in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, then a mystery is accomplished - the grace of the Holy Spirit descends on that person. And vice versa, if a person only utters renunciation with his lips, then grace immediately leaves him, and that person becomes different, and his concepts change. And we know many priests who signed, as if they signed unwillingly, and grace departed from them, and their concepts changed completely. - If you go somewhere and they invite you to the table, then if you know that these people sincerely want to treat you, then eat without embarrassment and without expecting an invitation, and if you know that it is out of decency, then beware. At present, the people of this century look at us, believers, as holy fools, as fools. They do not like our Orthodox faith, our church and all our behavior. They laugh about it all. And often I hear from believers who are forced to live among the world that it is difficult for them to endure constant ridicule and experience such an attitude. But it seems to me that it’s even an honor for us that they don’t like us, that they laugh at us. The Apostle said (Apostle Peter 1, chapter 4, 14): “If you are reproached in the name of Christ, it is blessed, for the glory and Spirit of God rests on you.” This is said about those who, for the sake of Christ, endure reproach and persecution. I ask you - do not be embarrassed if they laugh at us, if they don’t like us, it means we are not of this world. “True, we often felt like they would throw lumps of snow or dirt at our backs,” said mother. – Before asking the Lord for forgiveness, you must forgive yourself, as it is said in the Lord’s Prayer. You consider yourself not to be offended, but you are not offended by things in which you are not interested, but if it comes close to what you value, then you will be offended. Endure the hardships of monastic life for the sake of the Kingdom of Heaven. – As the Elder of Gethsemane says: “Why do you come to the Elder?” - “In order to break your evil will and find out the will of God.” “For your humble question, the Lord will reveal His will to your father.” Don't take it to heart. If we take everything, then we won’t even have enough for a month. Sitting in Father’s waiting room, waiting for him to call someone, I noticed that the woman sitting next to me (one of Father’s spiritual children) treated me with some kind of bitterness. Meanwhile, she had come to talk to us many times before in order to alleviate her difficult spiritual state, which often came over her. And she then said that she felt relieved when she visited us. And now she suddenly said in an irritated tone: “I envy you.” What can I be jealous of? Father receives me less often than others and mostly from the last, or even does not receive me at all, if there is no time. I visit him for a few minutes on the most necessary matters. Everyone tries to take communion on the day when Father serves; I very rarely have to do this. Father reprimands me more often than anyone else. Therefore, there is nothing to envy me about. Apparently, she had to agree with all this. And suddenly, after a pause, she said: - Yes, I envy you that you have such obedience to Father... There was also a different view from the outside, although this seemed to be rare. Seeing Father’s strict attitude towards me, compared to others, some might be tempted. Here Masha, not understanding spiritual life, thought wrongly. I had to ask Father for something, and I promised the sisters that I would tell Father. A little later Masha comes up to me and says with embarrassment: “It would be better if someone else said it.” When I conveyed my request to Father, I mentioned this incident. - Why don’t you tell me? “Father was obviously worried. All this is necessary for the benefit of my soul, but still Father does not want it to have such an influence on others. Once Father instructed me to sew two stoles and give them instructions. I was happy with this assignment. She carefully cut it out and sewed carefully in her free time from the rules and her medical practice. When I finished, I showed it to Father. He looked for a long time and found a flaw - the distance between the buttons was different by a millimeter. It was necessary to pair the entire lining. The second time I showed my work with fear. This time too, Father found shortcomings in the orders, and so on for the third, and fourth, and fifth time. I felt that Father was trying for my humility, I was deeply grateful, but still, every time I showed him my work with great fear. Finally, after the fifth time, Father took the stoles without comment and wore them on Easter and other major holidays. And then one day at the table, during a funeral dinner, sitting next to Fr. Geronitem, in a conversation Father said: “M. Ambrose knows how to sew stoles and armbands,” and lowered his eyes to hide his smile (probably he remembered how he humbled me). Sometimes, involuntarily or inadvertently, something will come out that makes you think that I am offended, and then, although not right away, Father will find time and by the way tell you how the elder humbled him and something like that. I understood how difficult it is to constantly worry about humbling others - after all, to do this, you often have to cause others undeserved grief. What does it feel like? M. Ambrosia further writes that some of the sisters of her community separated from them, taking the place of guard at the cathedral. Now Father had to visit us less often, since some of the sisters who needed Father’s advice could go straight from the church to the guardhouse and ask Father there. Our house was no longer the only one for visitors. But despite this, Father tried as best he could to come often to admonish the sick and talk. And on some significant days, everyone gathered to us, sometimes an all-night vigil was served. Then everyone from the guardhouse came, and only one blind man, Schemamonk Tikhon, the Optina bell-ringer, who had settled in the fence, remained as watchman. I remember how before the last Great Lent, after Vespers, coming from church, Father came to us for a few minutes, blessed us for the soul-saving conduct of Great Lent and briefly told us what a great and holy time this is for the salvation of the soul and reminded us most importantly that we should try to spend time in silence. Silence is so good for the soul. We cannot, when we talk about someone else, not judge. Therefore, it is good who is silent. But there is also bad silence, when someone gets angry and remains silent. This is not, of course, what silence is needed. You need to go to all church services, and upon arriving from church, do the necessary things, the most urgently necessary ones. Pray more and test yourself. “You have to think,” said Father, “that only this day is given at your disposal.” You can't hope for tomorrow. Every sinner is promised forgiveness if he repents, but no one is promised tomorrow. “I’m afraid I wouldn’t get used to being in charge; before, I didn’t want to express my seniority at all, but now I demand obedience from my younger sisters.” - This is good, it’s useful for them, but you have to be humble within yourself. I was at mass. During the blessing at the exit, Father said: “May your youth be renewed like an eagle.” April 18 – Holy Saturday In the middle of the day, Father came to us to dress our sister Zina in the cassock. Ryasophorus is the beginning of the angelic rank, the first step of ascent into spiritual life. But before deciding on this climb, you need many days of experience. You need to test yourself whether you have a firm decision to leave everything worldly. From what we pray for at the same time, we can understand what a ryassophore is. Firstly, we thank the Lord that He called His servant Zinaida from a vain worldly life to this honest life, that is, to a spiritual life. Next, we ask that the Lord will grant us to live worthily in this angelic life. But we ourselves cannot do anything; we must earnestly ask the Lord about it. We ask that He preserve the soul and body in purity even to death, and grant it to be the church of God, as the apostle said: “Do you not know that you are the church of God?” If we are pure both in soul and body, then the Lord dwells in us. Give us understanding, we ask, to always remember Your commandments, that is, commandments, and to fulfill them. Give her humility, love and meekness - these virtues necessary for a monk, without which no feat will bring any benefit, as John Climacus says. We ask the Lady Theotokos and all the saints to intercede with the Lord for her, since we cannot do anything on our own. “Receive Your servant,” we further pray, “into Your yoke, grant her to join the flock of the chosen (that is, those called exclusively to serve the One God, among the monks). Clothe her with chastity, abstinence in everything, the bestowal of Your grace, without which we ourselves cannot achieve anything through our own strength. By your grace, sanctify the firstfruits of her angelic image. The psalm that is read at the same time also explains what this rite means: “Lord my Enlightenment and my Savior, whom will I fear? The Lord is the Protector of my life—from whom shall I fear? If the enemy approaches me, he will be exhausted, because the Lord will enlighten and protect me. If battle with temptations befalls me, I trust in the Lord”... and further. - Christ is risen. We celebrate Holy Easter. Resurrection of Christ. Father's answers to questions. – If you know something, you can say it’s useful, but not in the sense of teaching. – Basil the Great says: you read in order to educate yourself and instruct others when necessary. – We must firmly remember this law of spiritual life: if you condemn someone for something, or are embarrassed by something about another person, then the same thing will befall you, you yourself will do what you condemned another for, or you will suffer from this very shortcoming. And I have noticed the fulfillment of this law many times. Ascension Day. May 28 – We need to start becoming less attached to earthly things. Do not apply your hearts to the vanity of this world. Especially during prayer, leave all worldly thoughts. After prayer at home and in church, in order to maintain tenderness, we need to remain silent, otherwise even a simple, insignificant word, apparently, will scare it away from our soul. Therefore, whenever possible, we left the church one by one. One sister, who came from somewhere far away and settled in our town, asked me (and for some reason she was embarrassed) to ask Father for answers to several of her questions. I wrote down these questions and left space here for the answers so I could write them down right away. Here they are: 1) I’m afraid that I work here, and all this may not be beneficial? Wouldn't it be better if I reassured my old parents? – The nun belongs to God and it is more useful for her to serve God in the circle of sisters, and not worldly ones, even the closest ones. 2) My health is weak, and when I get completely ill, the sisters will be burdened by me - these are my thoughts. – This is a matter for the future, and therefore, according to the word of the Holy Gospel, you do not need to worry about this with your heart. Everything is in God's hands. Lord, Thy will be done. 3) Although I am aware that if I go home, I will also be restless. – Peace is in God, not in worldly life. When we were returning from church after mass on the fortieth day of memory of the nun Maria, who died with us, Father and many sisters came. At the table, Father, turning to me, said: – Do you know that Anna Petrovna (one of the spiritual children) is lying in a hospital in the city of Sukhinichi, alone? – and fell silent. - Maybe I should bless you to go to her? – I asked. We looked at the clock that hung here: the train was leaving soon. And I hurriedly went to the station - it was 40 versts or so to Sukhinichi. Further, M. Ambrosia tells how she, at her request, took a seriously ill, almost dying woman to her home in Kozelsk. But the patient did not die, but began to recover. One evening, when the patient was still lying with us, I came to Father for a blessing; he came out and unexpectedly called me, even though the one who had entered his cell earlier had not yet come out. I enter the cell, and Father says: - Here is Polya, she wants to ask you for forgiveness. She knelt down and asked to forgive her. - I don’t know, is it your fault? And she explained that when I brought such a dying patient, the sisters muttered why I was taking in all such seriously ill patients. And then they realized how good it is for the soul, how it helps to have mortal memory. So she repents to Father and asks me for forgiveness. We joyfully celebrated the Feast of the Holy Trinity. Our Father served mass. Soon rumors began to disturb us, they feared for Father. They asked him to withdraw. Then a serious rumor spread about the article signed by Metropolitan. Sergius. Many were indignant. We read it and asked Father: “How should we look?” – The Metropolitan should not be blamed, since he did not sin in anything in relation to dogmas. Maybe someone doesn’t like his politically cautious attitude, but there is no fault here yet, we don’t know what circumstances surrounded him. By the way, I said that I do not dare to read such highly spiritual books as the Philokalia and the like. Father answered this: All these questions to Father were a premonition of our imminent separation. Our fears were soon realized. Father was arrested with Father Kirill; they lived in the same apartment; Nastya, who was carrying letters at that time, was also arrested. At the same time, the head of the Optina Library, who had been appointed from the Moscow Archaeological Society for a year or more, Mikhail Mikhailovich Taube, was also arrested. As soon as he was arrested, he put on a cassock, as he was a monk Agapit. This is a wonderfully bright personality. And so they, three monks, and sister Nastya the novice, were taken to prison. They were soon sent to Kaluga. We came to the station, even from a distance, to receive the last blessing. Now our grief knew no bounds. After all, our whole life was based on obedience to Father. Now we are completely orphaned. At first, in addition to the usual rule, they read an akathist to Nicholas the Wonderworker, prayed and cried... The closest in spirit to Father was Fr. Archimandrite Isaac of Optina. He lived in Kozelsk in a secluded house with two novices. He was a wonderful man and an ideal monk. Tall, wise, but at the same time simple, sincere, like a child. He had a special ability for singing and even composed notes. And this simplicity and sincerity and, finally, the love of singing brought them closer to our Father. It used to be that Father would come to be blessed or consult with Father Archimandrite and would certainly linger there. Naturally, after the arrest of our Father, I wanted to see Fr. archimandrite. He blessed me to go to Moscow to inform my brothers about this misfortune - he had, it seems, three brothers. I knew the address of one younger brother. They gave me money for tickets, and I had to go without telling anyone. I told only one sick Anisya, who would be too worried, and went. I found Brother Ivan, who was once a novice at Optinsky, completely different. This was no longer the spiritual young man I had once seen at the front. He and his wife, apparently, were completely immersed in only one material thing, and they raised their girl from this point of view. They were proud of her knowledge of German words. And when I asked if she knew the life of her Saint Taisia, my mother asked me to tell her. But my father was so knowledgeable in everything spiritual, he wrote akathists and spiritual poems so well. And now there is such a change. They accepted their brother's fate coldly. He gave a few rubles to give to his brother. I caught the evening train and arrived home the next day... (O. Nikon was apparently arrested in the summer of 1927.) There was a rumor that Father would soon be sent into exile. I wanted to take a parting blessing and some word of advice. The sisters saw me off with warm sympathy, and I went. I stayed with one of Father M.’s spiritual daughters. and waited with fear whether the Lord would give me the opportunity to see Father. Of the sisters who came here, who made the transfer and saw each other on visiting days, there were none particularly sympathetic to me. But still, on the reception day I went to the prison. I was dressed, as always, in my long monastic padded jacket with wide sleeves, and on top of everything there was a large scarf. (This was in the winter of 1927.) I stood at the gate and experienced a lot in my soul. The sister, who lived here to make the transfer, gave orders. First of all, as always, when they had to take Father out, she invited some sisters with her and took another one, who had no special desire, since she did not know Father at all. But M. wanted her to at least see what kind of Father we have. And first of all, they always took out s. Nastya, her sister M came to see her. So they offered me to go with her. L.I. and someone else joined us. I was sad to the point of tears. Sister M. knew well how dear Father was to me, so what? ... I hear murmurs around me that I’ve dressed in monastic clothes, this will cause evil, and my soul is so heavy. We entered the reception area... and surprise - this time the first Father was brought out. It is difficult to convey this touching picture. I will never forget, but I won’t be able to convey it in words... Seemingly smiling, to console us, Father spoke encouragingly to us. And by the way, he said that one should never blame anyone (he knew that they often reproached him that one or the other was to blame) - everything is God’s will. It was announced that they would soon be taken away. Father blessed each of us, me first, and since I was wearing wide sleeves and a scarf, Father quietly gave me a book and a bag with notes. After that, I quickly left. Father blessed others. Soon after leaving, there was a rumor and a dull murmur: they knew it, so M. Ambrosia gave the letter to Father, so immediately upon leaving the reception room they searched him and found something, the letter is true (it was given to them by a familiar jailer). They didn’t tell me directly, but everyone stared at me with angry looks. I walked with a sinking heart, not showing anyone my expensive burden, fearing that the intemperate would make even more noise and be unable to stop me. Now I no longer went to the one where I was staying, she was also among the hostile, but went to one meek, simple-minded sister N. She received me with love, gave me her room, although it was cold, but I was glad that it was secluded. No one questioned me there; they left me alone, seeing that I was so sad. I was in a hurry to be left alone to see what Father gave me. And I saw a book - Volume V of Ignatius Brianchaninov. According to the inscription, it belonged to M. So she gave it to Father in prison to read, and he made a lot of marks on it, on the intervening white pages he wrote his feelings about what he read and, as he himself put it, he did it for the benefit, as a reminder to his spiritual children. What I felt when I saw these notes I cannot express. For me, this was the last consolation from my beloved spiritual father. It was like his testament. In addition, there was a whole package of notes, neatly sealed. The names of those to whom they were written were written. Each of them contained several sayings that were exactly appropriate and necessary for that sister. That is why, before this, in a note to the question of what should be sent to him, he answered: the jelly is not very sweet, and he gave this answer several times. He sealed it with this jelly. Now I had a concern - to copy from this book, which belongs to M. all the marks, all the notes, all the underlinings, return the book according to M.’s ownership, and from the one written off, restore everything exactly according to your book. While I didn’t have a book, I bought a thick notebook and began to rewrite everything with the designation of pages and lines. It took me several days. And I did this in secret until I wrote it all off. Only then did I give the book to M. according to belongings and all the notes. How I treasured mine. But she disappeared among my most expensive things during the trip. I only remember that the Savior’s words were there: “Watch and pray, so as not to fall into misfortune...” During the transfer, I sent a note, and Father blessed me to go home. The sisters realized later that it was not my fault that Father was searched. How in vain they accused me of wearing a monastic robe. After all, thanks to her, it was possible to give both the book and the notes. And what a consolation it was for all of us. And they also forgot that Father once said: – In monastic clothes - these are already completely inveterate, you can’t give up on them, but secular ones are a different matter, you need to pay more attention to this... As soon as Father arrived and had the opportunity, he sent a letter that they had reached Kem, on the shore of the White Sea. They were assigned to Solovki, but due to autumn storms, travel to Solovki became impossible, and they were left in Kem. Father guarded the sheds on the seashore. We immediately began collecting the parcel to send to Father. My main responsibility was this: they brought it to me, and I took it to the post office, they informed me at the post office, and I already sent it on my own behalf. Sad days have come. We were informed from Kaluga that Father and Fr. O. Kirill and Agapit were sent into exile. It was unknown where exactly. One of these nights I saw Father in a dream among people who looked like Eskimos, generally people of the Far North, and himself in the same hat... I recently received news of the death of the Optina confessor, Hieromonk Nikon. I met him on the way to Solovki. In Butyrka prison they united us into one party. He was probably younger than me in years and looked like a well-preserved man. With him then was another monk, also from the Optina Hermitage, as I later learned, a certain Mikhail Taube. A relatively young man, an intellectual, as I later found out, with a higher secular education. They were both, as I learned later, of a very good monastic mood - they were people, so to speak, of the Optina spiritual culture. And I was very glad to have such a meeting on that difficult path. They - both of these Orthodox monks - were the first clergy whom I saw in my party of prisoners sent to Solovki. From Butyrka prison we were together all the way to Kem. And I was in Kempunkt, perhaps, for two months with them, even in the same barracks. And now, when the news of the death of Fr. Nikon, I vividly remembered everything... Both our life at that time and the bright life of the deceased. And now I would like to share with you both my impressions and the information that I received about the last days of the life of the deceased Fr. Nikon. O. Nikon, Fr. Mikhail... I can see them now. Fr. Mikhail looked like a tall, thin, young, intelligent man, dark-haired, in monastic robes, Fr. Nikon is a little older, a seemingly healthy man, not thin, brown hair and beard, average height, open, pleasant face. He was also in monastic robes. Always reasonable, self-possessed, always bright in spirit, they were true Orthodox monks, and I was so pleased to see and hear them... We were together, as I already mentioned, from Butyrki onwards. Prisoner cage cars, Leningrad prison, again a cage car hundreds of miles along the way, and finally Kem - “Kemperpunkt”. Barracks, cramped conditions, bedbugs, swearing, work and everything, everything that fit into our lives in those days, we went through everything together until we parted. And they parted like this: first they called Fr. Mikhail was sent in the assembled party on one of the “business trips” somewhere in the forest, on the coast of the White Sea. Then a month or two later they called me to be sent to Solovetsky Island. When I was leaving with my party of prisoners for the ship, Fr. Nikon remained as a watchman at Kemperpunkt. So he remained in my memory as a watchman near some sheds and some barrels. Always with a book in hand, always calm, quiet, silent, balanced... From where he was on duty, you could see the sea. I remember this sea well. I especially loved it on deserted white nights, when only the “eiders” screamed in the distance on the sea, already almost free of ice, and the gentle light of the white nights spoke something to the soul... Probably, and Fr. Nikon saw all this, experienced it, and noticed it, and then carried it away in his bright soul... I never had to talk to him the way my soul wanted. And only partly we exchanged our thoughts on this or that issue. And his prudence, balance and some kind of special spiritual culture - Optina, probably - were reflected in his life, and in his behavior, and in his words, and in his silence. I appreciated him, as did his friend Fr. Michael (in monasticism Fr. Agapit). I was glad that I saw them. And now I thank God for this life meeting... Excerpt from another letter Your review of the deceased Fr. I read Nikon with pleasure. The review expresses the truth. I didn’t think that I wouldn’t see Fr. Nikon. The last time we saw him was on December 30–31, 1927 in the Kaluga prison; on January 6, I left the prison hospital and went to Turkestan at my own expense, and Fr. Nikon January 27, 1928 - with a convoy to a place known to you. I have been suffering from pulmonary tuberculosis for 10 years and thought that I would die before Fr. Nikon, but the Lord judged otherwise - Fr. Nikon has gone into eternity, but I am still breathing and moving, although with difficulty - weakness and shortness of breath are terrible. About Fr. I especially feel sorry for Nikona. I wanted to see him and talk about a lot of things, but now it's all over. He and I met in 1907 in the monastery of Optina Hermitage, where we lived among the brethren, both learning monastic life from the Elder of God, Fr. Barsanuphius, both helped the elder in his extensive correspondence with spiritual children, and then, when Fr. Nikon was appointed monastery clerk, and I, along with others, collaborated with him. After the liquidation of the monastery, they lived in the same apartment in the city, and, in the end, they were taken together in the spring of 1927 and taken to where they did not want to go. I sincerely respected Fr. Nikon for his simplicity and love for monastic inner life, for his love for his neighbors. It was good to be with him and you could always relax and warm your soul around him. Eternal memory to him. All this is touching - like the life and death of Fr. Nikon, and the memory of him among those who knew him. The kingdom of heaven to him. And may the Lord help the rest of the good monks and believing souls from the laity in the feat of Christian life. (Apparently, this is an excerpt from a letter from Father Kirill). Ambrose's mother was also arrested and exiled to the North. When she settled in a new place, she sent a letter to Father Nikon and for the first time learned from others that Father Nikon was sick... She writes: “I soon received a letter from him from Pinega.” “I congratulate you, honorable M. Ambrose, on the coming Holy days of Holy and Bright Week and earnestly wish you peace and joy in the Lord and all spiritual consolation and well-being. I don’t know whether I’ll have to write to you before the Feast, and therefore I greet you joyfully: Christ is risen. I call upon you peace and God's blessing. Thank you for your letter. May God help you. Waiting to move is one of the difficult conditions of our lives. They wanted to move me, like many others, but I stayed behind due to illness. But the disease does not make me happy. The doctor diagnosed pulmonary tuberculosis. I am calm in spirit. For everything is the will of God. For now I have everything I need, and the future is in God’s hands. Thank God for everything. I'm glad you're in a good mood. Yes, the Lord admonishes us and calls us to salvation. I wish you good spirits and strength of mental and physical strength. May the Lord send you. I sincerely feel sorry for D. Maria and pray for her; D. Evgenia peace and God’s blessing, and I pray for her. The sick Anisya only has to completely surrender to the will of God, the Lord knows what he is doing, and apparently we all need to bear the cross. Write if you move somewhere. My address for now: Pinega, poste restante. I ask your holy prayers and those of your fathers. Hello to them. God willing, I’ll write again. Write too. May the Lord protect you. Forgive the sinful hieromonk Nikon. Peace and salvation." It was hard for me to read this letter. And now, after so many years, deep sadness takes over my heart when I re-read my father’s letters. I didn’t expect that Father would get sick so badly and quickly. I just wrote to M. Valentina, who was the first to be deported, and wrote about Fr.’s illness. Nikon to Father Meletius. M. Valentina arrived in Pinega almost simultaneously with us. We probably saw their stage when we were sitting on the porch. I asked her about Father’s health condition. Before M. Valentina had time to answer, Father wrote to me: “Christ is risen. Once again I congratulate you, my child, on the Bright Holiday and call upon you peace and God’s blessing. I read your letter to M. Valentina, I don’t know whether she answered or not. But I already wrote to you that the doctor found tuberculosis, and not in the first degree, but far advanced. What worries me is that the fever of 38–39° lasts a long time, and this causes weakness and sometimes loss of appetite. I lie down more. I myself am surprised at how quickly and unexpectedly it happened for me. Now I think that those relatively mild colds, which seemed to me to have passed without a trace, were the beginning of what we are seeing now. I rarely have to go to the doctor, because I live far away (6 miles), walking is difficult and, perhaps, not useful, and there are no horses. That's why I only use medicine. There is little cough, almost no cough. I quickly get tired of any movement. I feel good. The Lord does not take this mercy from me. Everything you need is available. I live with Fr. Peter, he helps me. For everything, thank God. I surrender to the will of God. Our life is in the hands of God. Sorry. Peace and salvation. Sinful hieromonk Nikon March 27 (April 9)." Peace and salvation and God's blessing, my child M. Ambrose. I received your letter. You are worried about my illness and want to know everything in detail. I have already written to you, but I can write to you again. The apartment is sufficient, although there may be a little dampness. The food is the usual: soup, noodles, porridge, there is vegetable oil, while there is still a little meat; I have a bottle of milk every day and have sugar. In general, I am never hungry. I'm used to eating once a day. We drink tea twice. There is no medical supervision. Here doctors don’t come to us, we have to go to the hospital for a regular appointment, very rushed and that’s all. But I, living six miles from the hospital, do not dare to go. There are no horses, and I'm waiting for an opportunity to go. I visited the doctor once and asked him to speak frankly. He said: my lungs are bad, tuberculosis. The main thing: temperature 38–39 degrees. He prescribed theocol and Dover's powders, as well as strophan with valerian, twenty drops each. That's it. Cough is rare. I'm getting tired soon. I don't feel any pain. The illness began suddenly. Feeling healthy, I went to dig snow near the house and felt pain in the veins of my sore leg. I still worked a little and got tired. All the veins immediately began to ache, from the stomach to the heels. (This is the first time in four years.) I put on a compress and measured the temperature - 40 degrees. It turned out to be a hemorrhage. For the next three days the temperature was almost normal. Suddenly I felt pain (colic) in my chest, a temperature of 40, which lasted no more than a week. I lay there for quite a long time, two or more weeks. The veins stopped hurting, the hemorrhage resolved, but the wound, which opened immediately, went away only recently. There is no breathing as before, it is not so free. The apartment is calm, I live in the village of Kozlovka with about. Peter, brother of Valentina (Ustyusha). You can't buy almost anything here with money. They ask for things, especially towels, canvases, etc. I had these rags, and I wrote to be sent to me. Then you can have dairy products. May the Lord help you too, and may he direct your path to salvation. I surrender myself to God. I am calmer when I don’t show my will. Therefore, I don’t dare ask for anything yet, and I’m not sure that attention will be paid. Let us pray to the Lord to save us and help us in our troubles and needs: I see no other refuge and hope. Human calculations are both vain and erroneous. When you have to endure something difficult, but you know that there is no will here, you get moral relief and peace of mind. God's will be done. May the Lord not disgrace our faith in devotion to His will. In Pinega, besides rations, it is difficult to find food, and those who do not receive parcels, of course, are in need and starve. There is no market, only barter for things. They don’t leave you in Pinega itself, they send you somewhere far away to the village. Those who can work are sent to the forest and do other work. Anyone who has a certificate of incapacity for work is not sent to work, but somewhere in the village. They try to stay further away, but it happens that they don’t settle too far away. The mail is running smoothly. The rations received by the unemployed are, of course, insufficient: 300 grams. bread per day, 600 gr. millet for a month and 2 kg of fish per month, enough salt, half a liter of kerosene in winter. The climate is like in Arkhangelsk, but there are often piercing winds. The people are rather unfriendly and show little sympathy. You can hardly find vegetables for barter, not even potatoes. I don’t know where life is like, and I can’t compare. I thank the Lord for still strengthening me internally and sending me everything I need for life. Thank God for everything. God bless you for taking care of me. May the mercy of the Lord be with you forever. Sorry. I ask for the prayers of yours and our fathers. I thank them for their greetings and sympathy. The letter was delayed. The last few days the temperature has been 38–39°. I got butter for exchange and have milk. God's will be done. Last letter from Fr. Nikon My dear daughter, M. Ambrosia. I received your letter dated April 14 only on April 28. I sincerely thank you for your love and care. God bless you. Of course, I would be glad to see you too. But we must not forget that we do not have our own will, and it may happen that you will be in Pinega, but you will not have the opportunity to see me, for here too there are frequent movements and assignments to different places. Therefore, I think that you do not need to make your position dependent on mine. Having no examples regarding filing an application, no certificates, absolutely not knowing how to motivate my request (Kargopol to the Crimea), and almost no hope for any good results, I decide to stay put for now, surrendering to the will of God. I don’t dare call you to Pinega, realizing what difficulties you may encounter here. On the other hand, it’s as if I don’t dare to reject your desire; I don’t have any definite determination in this matter. Lord, help and enlighten me. We must pray that the Lord will show the way. I can report about myself that the disease, it seems to me, is progressing, because the temperature does not fall below 38–39°. This suggests the transience of the disease. And so I feel like I’m in the same position all the time. There is slight soreness throughout the body and chest. The temperature worries me and makes me think that death is near; Now I hardly even think about recovery, considering it a pipe dream. I surrender to the will of God. I sincerely thank my fathers for their love, attention and care for me. Save them, Lord. I call upon you peace and God's blessing. May the Lord protect you under the shelter of His goodness. I pray for you with my weak prayer, but still a prayer of love in the Lord. The idea came to you to go where your fathers have gone or will go, so as not to be completely alone. But experience shows that separation comes unexpectedly. Do not trust in princes, in the sons of men: in them there is no salvation. Blessed is the God of Jacob, his helper; his trust in the Lord his God - his only hope in God - is a solid foundation. Everything else is fragile, especially in our situation. You don’t know at all where it’s better, where it’s worse, and what awaits. God's will be done. Rev. Theodore the Studite, himself a former exile, rejoices and rejoices for those dying in exile. And the thought occurred to me that we, monks, who have renounced the world and are now, albeit involuntarily, leading a world-denying life. This is how the Lord judged. Our job is to keep ourselves in faith and guard ourselves from all sin, and entrust everything else to God. He who trusts in the Lord will not be put to shame. Although steamboats have begun to operate here, they are rare, and they also say that timber will soon be floated down the river, and then steamship traffic will probably stop. All this creates great difficulties in postal and in general any communication. The weather is cold, windy, cloudy. Did you receive my letter, which, although I sent it by registered mail, was sent in the middle of the mud? I'm sorry, I wish you all the best and God's help. I ask for your holy prayers and from the fathers. Sinful hieromonk Nikon. April 30 (May 13) Memories of the last days of life, death and burial of my spiritual father and leader. I received a letter from Father, written by him in March of this year. g., in which he, by the way, reported that he had fallen ill, and the doctor found tuberculosis to be far advanced. When I read these lines, the thought came to me that Father would not recover, and at the same time I began to think about going to the sick man, about which I wrote to him, asking him to inform him about his state of health. Having received a reply by telegraph that his health was in the same condition, I decided to go to Father to find him alive. June 2nd church. Art. left, and after a difficult journey arrived at Father’s on Monday evening, June 9th. I found my father already lying on the hard bed. He greeted me with fatherly love and thanked me for coming. It was sad to see the lack of attention to Father who served him during his illness and did not take care of improving his painful bed. The bed was replaced by boards, the straw mattress was crumpled, and instead of a pillow there were folded clothes. When the boards were replaced with a bed, the mattress was changed and a straw pillow was made, Father expressed pleasure, thanked me, saying: “Now it’s good.” It was also sad to see that Father was lying in a padded jacket and felt boots - this was at a temperature of 40° and on hot June days. The cotton pad was removed, and Father was covered with a blanket. The felt boots were also taken off; there were an unusually large number of large lice in them. I will not dwell on the inattentive attitude towards Father who served him, I will only say that Father endured everything and did not express his displeasure to anyone at all. On Wednesday, June 11th, in the afternoon Father felt so bad that they thought he wouldn’t live to see the morning, so they rushed to give him communion. After communion it became better. Father was very worried about his bedsore, and he suffered greatly from the fact that his lungs had shrunk and he could not breathe. In difficult moments, he rushed about, could not find a place - he would either lie down or get up: there was nothing, he said, to breathe. Give it some air, give it just a little. He asked me to put it on the floor. When he felt better, he quietly prayed: “Lord, help me. Lord have mercy." At elevated temperatures, he sometimes became delirious, remembered his spiritual children, brought them to repentance, read the canons, baptized the air and very often remembered the Optina elder Fr. Macaria. “Look,” he said, “the elder Fr. came to me. Macarius sat down, but you don’t see.” Father had no appetite. I drank 2-3 raw eggs a day, 2 glasses of tea with wine and 2 cups of milk, and sometimes ate 2-3 pieces of store-bought cookies. On Saturday, June 14, a doctor was invited to calm the patient. The doctor listened carefully to Father and “as a consolation” said: “There is no transient consumption, weakness is a temporary phenomenon, everything will pass.” “And the doctor directly told me: “Batiushka has blooming tuberculosis, that is, in full bloom, in full swing, and everything is already over, he lives only because his heart is healthy.” The words the doctor said to Father apparently calmed and consoled him, since after that he even began to think and ask about submitting an application to be transferred to a more climatically favorable area. Time passed, and Father grew weaker, but despite this, when he felt better, he wrote with his own hand, albeit with difficulty, short notes to some of his spiritual children, to some he wrote a few words on their letters, to some he dictated notes and signed them with his own hand. On June 20, he asked for a piece of paper and wanted to write something, but weakness did not allow him to write much, he wrote only two lines: “What beauty there is in spiritual books.” On the 20th or 21st, Father had blood pass through his stomach, after which he became completely weak, but on the 21st he dictated several notes and signed them with a weakened hand. On the 25th at 12 noon Father received Holy Communion from Fr. Archimandrite, the brother of one of Father’s spiritual daughters, and immediately read the departure letter. It must be said that Father took communion almost every day: when he was able, he took communion himself, and when he became weak, his confessor or one of the hieromonks took communion. At 2 o'clock in the afternoon of the same 25th Father drank tea, and at 7 o'clock. I also drank a little in the evening. At 9 o'clock In the evening I asked: “Would you like to have some tea, Father?” In response to this, Father shook his head negatively and seemed to begin to fall asleep: his eyes were closed, his breathing was heavy, and a groan was heard. After 9 o'clock In the evening I lay down to rest, oh. Peter sat at the table and wrote. I don’t remember how long I lay there, but when I got up, Father was lying calmly on his left side, breathing rarely and moaning quietly, his head was tilted somewhat toward his shoulder. I went up to him and spoke about. Petru: - Why don’t you come up to Father, because he’s dying? “I didn’t even think about it,” answered Fr. Peter, wanted to finish the letter and go to bed, believing that Father had fallen asleep. After all, he moans like this for about an hour. Then he approached Father and Fr. Peter and we watched together as Father gave up the ghost: he breathed quietly several times, and his soul was separated from his body. It was 10:40 am. evenings. Father, as he lay on his left side with his head tilted to his shoulder, remained so, there was not the slightest convulsion. The eyes were closed, the mouth was slightly open. The face was calm, white, pleasant, smiling. Father Peter immediately wiped the person who introduced himself with oil, put on a long shirt, and then together we put on a new cassock, belted it with a belt, then a half-mantle, an epitrachelion on top, and put it on his hands. Instead of kamilavka - skufyu. I closed my mouth and combed my hair. Father froze very quickly. On the second day, June 26, the named Fr. The archimandrite, archpriest abbot and four hieromonks quietly laid Father in the coffin, read the canon for the exodus of the soul, served a large memorial service, and then began to perform the funeral service according to the monastic order. It was pleasant to watch how the clergy surrounded the coffin of the newly deceased monk, quietly sang funeral songs and earnestly prayed for the repose of his soul. All the clergy were dressed in half-robes and stoles. It is worthy of note that all these people were at work 60 miles from their homes, and suddenly a week before Father’s death they were sent home. They were released for the funeral service. It was as if Father was waiting for them and did not die. The funeral was on Friday, June 27th. The coffin was carried to the village in the hands, and through the village it was carried on a sleigh along deep sand. Father Peter led the horse, and I supported the coffin. Outside the village they again took the coffin in their arms and carried it across the meadow to the cemetery. At 2 o'clock in the afternoon they lowered me into the grave and placed a large cross on the grave. After the funeral, a memorial meal was held; There were 12 people sitting at the table of the clergy alone. Everyone was happy. It must be said that Fr. Peter had the following plans: to deliver the coffin with Father to the cemetery on a horse and bury it, and then have a funeral service at home in absentia. I energetically resisted this, and the Lord helped arrange everything as stated above. Father Peter was against the funeral meal. But everything worked out well, and Fr. and I. Peter parted peacefully. Father saw that he was no longer a tenant, he wrote to many that he no longer hoped for a date in this life, but it was not noticeable that he expressed mortal fear. He often said that he did not feel death approaching, and still hoped for recovery, and even thought, as stated above, about filing an application with a request to be transferred to another area. He often recalled his mother Ambrosia: “she would tell me everything.” Father even prayed that the Lord would reveal to him or one of his spiritual children whether he would recover or not. About a month and a half or two before Father’s death, one of his spiritual daughters had a dream: “Fr. Barsanuphius went to Maria Ivanovna’s house and began to take everything out of Father’s room. When Father Fr. Barsanuphius took the bed, the one who had the dream said: “Father, why are you taking out the bed, - after all, Fr. Nikon will have nowhere to sleep.” Father o. Barsanuphius replied: “He is going to me, and he does not need a bed. I’ll give him my bed there.” Was this dream, as it were, an answer to prayer? Father wanted to see his loved ones; apparently, he really didn’t want to die. Until his death, Father retained his characteristic cheerfulness, smiled when he felt well, lovingly asked about his spiritual children and acquaintances, and talked about his experiences and sufferings over the past four years. It was impossible to listen to the story of this without tears. Father’s sufferings were so great, and his patience with them was the same. His virtue of patience is deeply respected. It is worthy of imitation that, under all sorrowful circumstances, Father endured everything in silence, did not complain to anyone about anything, thanked God for everything, surrendering himself to the will of God, and in this finding peace and joy for the soul. Based on what I heard from Father, I believe that he fell ill with consumption, if not in Kaluga, then in the camp. Even before leaving for Arkhangelsk, the doctor told him to pay special attention to his health, which had deteriorated greatly. He even advised me to submit an application upon arrival in Arkhangelsk for appointment to the commission. “You,” the doctor said, “may be sent not to the north, but to another place.” But Father, after consulting with Fr. Agapit, did not take any measures in this direction, saying: “Let the will of God be done.” Consumption could have become “transient” in the village of Vospola at the end of 1930 or at the beginning of this year, when Father lived in the apartment of a certain old woman Starkova, who mocked Father as “a cruel master over his slave.” When this terrible woman was finally convinced that Father was sick (and before that she kept thinking that Father was faking) and could not work, she began to kick him out of the house, saying: “Go wherever you want, you can’t work, and I don’t need you, healthy people are asking to come to my apartment to work for me, but you are sick. You’ll still die, what will I do with you then?” Father's position was hopeless. At this time Fr. came to him. Parthenius, to whom Father told everything. It was decided, on the advice of Fr. Parthenia, move to live with Fr. Petru. The last one is on Palm Saturday, March 22nd. Mr. brought Father, who was already completely ill, to his place. I stayed there for 17 days, met with many monks and nuns, they all spoke of Father as a worthy shepherd who was very kind to them. Many people came to visit him during his illness. Having learned about his death, they were very sorry and remembered him with love. Fr. often came to Father. Parthenius. He was on good terms with Father, but was not in prayerful communication with him, therefore he refused to serve the memorial service, saying: “He will not be offended by me. I will pray for him at home.” The same o. Parfeny raised his eyecup and, looking into the face of the late Father, said: “Look, he’s about to laugh.” It is not superfluous to mention here the dream of the same Fr. Partheny, which he saw a few days before the death of Father. O. Parthenius saw: Father was heading somewhere, and with him Fr. Kirill, both with suitcases. O. Parthenius asked: “Will you take me with you?” The priest replied: “As you wish, but I won’t leave Kirill,” and they both moved on. But it's time for me to finish my memories. I end them with the words of a certain elder, who spoke from his lips upon receiving the news of the death of Father: “So, by the will of God, there was no longer a man, still young, exemplary in religious, and hence moral views, gifted enough to influence others for good and to be a useful worker in the field of Christ. The Lord arranges everything for the benefit of people for eternal good. So is Fr. Nikon was put through considerable trials so that in the young years of his earthly life he would mature for a good eternity. “Blessed is the path, follow the path, my soul, for a resting place has been prepared for you.” These words are so applicable to the deceased. He labored for his children, we are covered by the mercy of the Heavenly Father, whose ineffable mercy may not pass us by.” Eternal memory to you, dear father and benefactor of my soul. The wound inflicted on my heart by your death is deep. The wound is so deep that the slightest touch to it produces a painful sensation. You might be interested in: