Часть первая. Дневник

Now for the first time I intend to fast seriously and meaningfully. Only now I understood all the necessity, all the holiness, all the greatness of these two Sacraments: repentance and communion of the Body and Blood of Christ. All the prophets, apostles and Christ the Savior Himself and His Forerunner - John the Baptist - they all began their sermons with the word: “Repent.” It’s hard when your conscience is unclean, when you recognize yourself as guilty. We need to repent, confess our sins, express everything that bothers us, then it becomes somehow easier for us. And here our Lord Jesus Christ Himself accepts our confession of our sins. He is merciful, He loves us, He has the power to forgive us our sins, He will relieve us from the terrible burden of sin, calm our conscience and strengthen us. This is what this Sacrament gives us, but only if we sincerely recognize ourselves as guilty, sincerely repent of our sins and hope for God’s mercy, for He accepts every sinner, the most terrible, positively drowning in sins, let only he be humble in heart, recognize his guilt and come to Christ with repentance not ostentatious, but sincere. Now, if we look at repentance this way, then, when approaching it, we will have to realize all the greatness of this Sacrament and therefore prepare ourselves in the proper way. Preparation for the Sacrament of Repentance should consist of self-absorption, fasting and prayer. In order to recognize all your unworthiness before God, see all your sins, see all the dirt and baseness of your life, you need to delve into yourself and analyze all your actions. Fasting is necessary for us in this case, like mortification of the flesh, in order to break away from the flesh and everything earthly and think about God, about the heavenly. The proverb is true: “The more you eat, the more you want.” If we only quench our hunger and thirst and get busy or begin to pray, food will not distract us from our activities. I experienced this myself. Then you somehow feel that the essence of life is not in food or anything earthly, but in the higher, spiritual world of man, not in satisfying passions, but in the pursuit of light, truth, God. The desire to know the truth is the first sign of a person’s spiritual life; without this, a person dies spiritually. If we please the flesh, then its needs grow incredibly quickly, so that they suppress any spiritual movement of the soul. We are then not interested in higher spiritual issues; all our interest is focused exclusively on earthly things: on satisfying the passions and lusts of the flesh. Then the person is pitiful, although very often he does not realize it. On the contrary, a person who fasts becomes sober and improves morally. Of course, fasting, if not accompanied by prayer and spiritual work, has almost no value. Fasting is not a goal, but a means, a benefit that makes prayer and spiritual improvement easier for us. Prayer, if only sincere, has great power. Jesus Christ himself says about the power of prayer pronounced with faith: “Whatever you ask from the Father in My name he will give you,” and “If you say with faith to this mountain, “Go and be cast into the sea,” it will be done for you.” Therefore, we, not being able to do anything good, must resort to prayer as the only saving remedy in our weakness. I know it from myself. I want to and I can’t. I want to do good, but I do evil. I can’t even distinguish white from black, evil from good. A pitiful, terrible state in which only prayer, prayer of repentance, can help. Yes, I see a single outcome from my situation - this is repentance and communion of the Holy Mysteries. First, one must cleanse oneself by repentance, and then take into oneself the Body and Blood of Christ. The Great Sacrament is repentance, but communion is even more great and holy. Here I accept into myself Jesus Christ Himself, His Most Pure Body, His Blood, His Divinity. I unite with Him in the most intimate way. “He who drinks My Blood and eats My Flesh abides in Me and I in him,” says the Savior Himself. We see all the importance, all the necessity of this Sacrament for us from the words of the Savior that only he who eats His flesh lives, and he who does not eat does not have life in himself. Yes, this holy Sacrament is great and necessary for us, but it is also scary. How will I, unworthy and sinful, approach the Holy Chalice? After all, I will not find life, but condemnation in Her. For everyone who eats unworthily “eats and drinks judgment for himself.” Yes, it's scary. Therefore, I must go to church and pray at home all this week, starting from Monday, and, having gone deeper into myself and realizing my unworthiness, proceed to the Sacrament of repentance with a sincere desire to correct and change my life. Then, having nevertheless been cleansed, I will humbly and no longer with such fear begin to accept the Body and Blood of Christ. This will undoubtedly help my desire to become a man and, perhaps, at least a little, will open my eyes. I have no life in me. Now this is quite clear to me: I have never fasted, confessed, or received communion. Not once, it's terrible. What good is it that I went to fast every year? What is the point in such fasting? Last year, perhaps, I prayed when I began to take the Chalice, but this was far from being enough. I remember how sorry it was to part with the world, with carnal pleasures, and I didn’t want to part with them at all. Is this really repentance? No, there is only one form, the outer side. It shouldn't be this way. Now I have decided to improve, I want to change my life and, it seems, I want to sincerely. If so, then it now makes sense for me to fast, because I intend to really fast, as I should. I even hope that this will serve as a basis for my future life and activities. I wanted to fast during the Nativity Fast, but I missed it, and then my current thoughts were barely emerging. Tomorrow (though it will be today), God willing, I will go to Father. I’ll talk, maybe he’ll explain at least a little, and, as an elderly person and, apparently, a believer, maybe he’ll give good advice. Yesterday I expressed the idea that the main sign of spiritual life is the desire to know the truth. I suddenly doubted: maybe this is not so? But I thought about it and see that I said the truth yesterday. In ancient times, Socrates, the most learned philosopher, dying, said: “I only know that I know nothing.” Yes, the truth is incomprehensible. While you approach her, it seems that you are moving away, at least you see her higher and higher above you. Our mind seems weaker and more insignificant to us in comparison with it. All this is true. But Socrates lived before the birth of Christ, and the truth proclaimed by Christ was unknown to him. For us it is open. Yes, we are told where to look for it. She is in Christ Jesus. But still it is incomprehensible, we can only get more or less closer to it; the truth itself will never be revealed if a person does not want it. The path to knowledge of the truth is difficult, very difficult, especially for me and for all sinners like me. And this path is difficult only at first, then it becomes more pleasant. The path to knowledge of the truth is virtue, love and living according to conscience with faith in God. It is difficult to get on this path, because it requires dedication, readiness for anything, no matter what presents itself. A humble person can follow this path, but a proud person cannot. This path to knowledge of the truth is the spiritual life of a person, and a person who does not follow this path is spiritually dead. I didn’t see the priest because it was an all-night vigil. I started fasting. I attended mass in the Kazan Cathedral. Very convenient, mass there at about 10 o'clock. They serve decently. They take out prosphora very well. Tomorrow we also have to go to mass. We must pray and pray as much and as hard as possible. Several times I intended to write what I am writing now. When Vanya (my brother) and I were in Optina Pustyn and wanted to join the brethren, it was then that circumstances approached in such a way that we needed to return to our family again. All the older monks advised us to live in peace, but Fr. the archimandrite directly did not want to accept. Then we decided to go home, but... He ordered us to come to him to say goodbye. We're coming. He gave us general rules of prayer and life, but first blessed us with icons. His words during the blessing especially stuck in my mind: “I bless you, Nikolai Mitrofanovich, for the joy of your family and friends, and for the benefit of your soul.” At the same time, he blessed me with a small icon of the Mother of God “Helper of Sinners.” I don’t know why, but I even decided to write this down. Last year we arrived here on February 24, and left Moscow on February 23. We arrived here at four o'clock, it was Saturday. Maslenitsa began on Sunday. We lived in peace for eight months, and from time to time we visited Optina. The last time we were here from December 5 to 9, we left Moscow on December 4, St. The barbarians of the Great Martyr returned on Monday, December 10th. Immediately from the station we went to the chapel of the Iveron Mother of God, and from there to Vladyka Tryphon, and then home. When we were here on December 7, the day of St. Ambrose, the day when Elder Ambrose celebrates his birthday, Father decided to receive us. On this day, at mass, the Gospel, the Apostle and the sacramental singing of psalms spoke about renunciation of the world. “This is being said about you,” said Fr. Barsanuphius decided to accept us. He blessed us to go home and arrange our own affairs. When everything was ready, we received the Lord’s blessing: “You are ascending the cross, so I give you crosses as a blessing, God help you,” and he blessed us with crosses. Then we received a blessing from our mother. Mom blessed us with icons of the Intercession of the Most Holy Theotokos. We left Moscow on the 22nd and arrived in Optina on December 23, and on the morning of the 24th we moved to our cells. Here we served a prayer service and sprinkled the cells with holy water. Thus, we entered the monastery on the eve of the Nativity of Christ. Last year, when I began to strive for life in Christ, I did not read any books, but only the Gospel, which I read for about two months, and “The Path to Salvation” by Bishop. Feofan. On February 2, 1907, for the first time I wanted to consciously confess and partake of the Holy Mysteries of Christ, which I did. How sincere it was, I don’t know, I only know that there was such a desire. Thus, my beginning was made on the day of the Presentation of the Lord. Help me, Lord, to finish what I started. Father, apparently, is disposed towards me, even very kind and gentle. Several times he consoled me with his conversations and instructions. God save him. It’s not possible to write down everything, and I didn’t remember everything, but only individual instructions: – Do everything yourself that you can, try not to use the services of others. Do not keep anything edible in your cell; always go to meals carefully, for the Lord blesses meager food and makes it tasty. Note that those monks and novices who did not eat with everyone, but took food for themselves, got sick and even died. – Be sure to go to church and always before it starts, try to be the first to arrive. Matins is one of the most difficult institutions of monastic life, but it has great power... Hold on to the Five Hundred, like a pillar, there is great power in it. Why? This is a secret, this is the law of monastic spiritual life. Drink tea at home, in your cell, don’t go to others, but if they call you, refuse. In your cell, drink three cups. At meals, eat your fill, but not to the point of satiety. Fasting and abstinence, which are necessary later, are completely optional for you. Last night I was quickly torn away from the diary and went to Father. The conversation went on for a very long time, from 8 to 11 o’clock. Father said a lot of good things, but where can I remember everything? I will again write briefly and fragmentarily. - “The cornerstone of monastic life is humility.” Humility and obedience help to acquire various virtues, especially in the physical sense, but if there is pride, everything is lost. So, on the one hand, pride is a great and disastrous vice, and on the other hand, humility is a saving grace. “Who will I look at? Only the meek and humble, who trembles at My words,” says the Lord. But monasticism is a great boundless sea, it is impossible to exhaust or cross it. This is not so clear to a person who has not taken this path. Practice is needed. There is a huge curtain in front of you, and now it begins to rise slightly from the bottom corner. All earthly wisdom, it is true, which has some meaning and purpose, mainly for achieving convenience in earthly, carnal life, is nothing compared to monasticism, or, better said, a penny compared to a billion rubles. One person I know, highly educated, who received a European education, was at Moscow University, and in London, and in Paris. Having entered the monastery, he writes to his worldly friend, fellow student, that he still did not understand anything. The meaning of monasticism is so wonderfully deep, and the purpose of a monk is even higher. St. ap. Paul says that in the future life there will be varying degrees of bliss: “There is one glory for the sun, another glory for the moon, another glory for the stars, for star differs from star in glory.” There are billions of these degrees, speaking according to human understanding, an incalculable number, and the first belongs to monks. And schemamonks, of course, living worthy of their title, will be among the “seraphim.” This is how great the purpose of a monk is. Therefore, how should we thank God for bringing us to the monastery! Don't think for a minute that you came here yourself. “No one can come to Me unless My Father in heaven draws him.” We have been given freedom by God, and on your part there was only free will. You just didn’t resist when He took you by the hand and led you here. The Lord saves us, and we are not saved, but He, the Merciful, saves us at our desire. So, thank God. You yourself see how many people are dying in the world, now think for yourself why the Lord showed you such mercy that he brought you here to the monastery, to our secluded, quiet monastery. Yes. Only with God's help can one go through this narrow, sorrowful path. At first glance, it seems that there is some kind of contradiction: on the one hand, this path of fulfilling the commandments of the Lord is easy and good, but on the other hand, it is cramped and regrettable. Yes, it is cramped and regrettable for those who enter it either under compulsion without internal disposition, or because of any other goals other than the salvation of the soul. For such people it is difficult. And for those who join the ranks of monks with a pure desire and intention to serve the Lord God in spirit and truth, it is easy. So you, Nikolai Mitrofanovich, live here, if only the Lord grants you such mercy, for two or three years and you will see what bliss a monastic life is. You may have already noticed how quickly time flies here. Years will pass, maybe decades, and it will seem to you that you entered here just yesterday. I once asked a monk who had lived in the monastery for fifty years: “Did the time you lived in the monastery seem long to you?” “No,” he answered, “it seems to me that I have been here for 50 days, not 50 years. And not 50 days, but 50 minutes.” Yes, time flies very quickly in the monastery... Never let anyone into your cell without prayer; let the person who comes say a prayer first, and then only let him in. When leaving and entering your cell, make the four statutory bows with prayers, and in general always practice the Jesus Prayer. If you meet anyone from the brethren, always bow first and take the hieromonk’s blessing. Humble yourself, humble yourself, humble yourself. Now read books until you have ordinary obedience, then you will have no time to read... Reading books will strengthen your willpower. The Gospel is all wrapped in secrets. Let’s say it opens to one by 1/100 of a centimeter, to another by a thousand miles. For one there is a lot, for another it is not enough, and a little - one hundredth - is enough for him to live. Faith, hope, love operate in our life. Without them, our salvation is impossible. In the Gospel, the owner of faith is the Apostle Peter. “You are the Christ, the Son of the Living God,” he confesses, when everyone, with the exception of the apostles, considered Christ a man. But among the apostles he is also a representative of the faith. The apostle and evangelist John the Theologian possesses love more than others. The representative of hope is Jacob. That is why Christ, when he wanted to show His glory, was transfigured in front of these disciples. I try to explain everything and show you what monasticism is. The cornerstone of monasticism is humility, as I have already said. By the way, Father told us here about one monk who possessed not only humility, but also other virtues: patience and unceasing prayer pronounced in the heart. One monk, seeing a pillar of fire from the roof of the meal, came to the meal and saw this monk all on fire, kneeling and praying. This monk, Fr. Theodotus is known and remembered by one skete monk. – In the Glinsk Hermitage recently there was a ryassophore novice, Fr. Theodotus. He was formerly a soldier, and because of his tall stature and strong physique, when he entered the monastery, he was forced to carry firewood and water to the kitchen. So he remained in this obedience until the end of his life. He was despised by everyone and slept wherever he had to: sometimes on the floor, sometimes on the firewood. Nobody paid any attention to him. So he lived to be seventy years old. One day Fr. Archimandrite Iliodor, a man of good life, coming from mass, sat down at the open window, waiting for the samovar. Leaning against the back of a chair, he fell into a subtle sleep and sees a wonderful garden, somehow unearthly. And the air is not the same, and the plants, and trees, and the fruits on them are not the same as on the earth. In a word, a garden of indescribable beauty. And here, in the middle of the garden, Fr. Iliodor sees Fr. Theodota. “It's you, oh. Theodotus? - “I, Father.” - “How are you here?” - “Yes, this was given to me.” - “What is this?” - “This is paradise.” - “Can you give me these fruits?” - "Can." Here about. Iliodor saw his father in paradise and, throwing away the fruits given to him, ran to his father. At this time, a scream was heard in the yard. From this cry Fr. Iliodor woke up and everything disappeared. And in the yard he sees what kind of Fr. The cook runs to Theodotus and hits him on the back with a stick. O. Iliodor stopped the torture of Fr. Theodotus, forbidding the cook to beat him. Then, calling Fr. to his cell. Theodota, Fr. Iliodor asked him where he had been. “In the kitchen,” was the answer, “I put the wood in the wrong place, and the cook beat me.” Well, that’s not enough for me, it’s my own fault. Yes, it didn’t hurt me, I pouted, well, the stick bounced off me, it didn’t hurt me.” - “No, O. Theodotus, tell me, where were you just now?” - “Yes, in the kitchen.” - “Stand up, oh. Theodotus kneels before the images, and I will rise. I am your spiritual father, tell me where were you now? - “Well, if so, then promise me before God that you won’t tell this to anyone until I die...” He promised. “In heaven, and I saw you there too.” Here about. Iliodor realized that he had not seen a simple dream, but had actually been honored to see heaven. “What, oh. Theodotus, could I have the fruits that you gave me?” - “Of course, but that means God judged it that way.” Humility, patience and unceasing mental prayer - this is what Fr. Theodotus. This is a prayer that we have no idea about. Note that all the saints who were worthy to see paradise depicted it as a garden of indescribable and indescribable beauty. It turned out that Fr. Theodotus was much taller than Fr. Iliodor, although the first was a novice, and the last was an archimandrite. But what matters is not what kind of obedience is performed, but what is important is how it is fulfilled: with humility, patience and prayer. I don't remember everything. Graduated from Fr. Barsanuphius by remembering his elder Fr. Anatoly, who could be heard when he spoke. Father always remembers his elder mentor with great reverence. “I began to grow weaker,” Father finally said, “to grow weaker. I feel like I don't have long to live. I ask one thing from God, that you get back on your feet and get stronger. Well, let's pray." He began to pray for both of us, and we prayed too. Then he blessed us and we left. Great holy elder. Arriving at my cell, I prayed that the Merciful Lord would extend the days of Father Fr. Barsanuphius, with his instructions, put us on our feet and strengthened us, as Father himself prayed for. Save him, Lord, and have mercy. This is the first time I have seen such a person. I have never heard such conversations as Father’s. Today I went to mass, to vespers, and the rest of the time I read the life story of the elder Fr. Macaria. Here was a man. If only I, a sinner, could be a little like him. I finished the entire biography, and now I probably won’t have to read for quite a long time. Father blessed me to begin obedience tomorrow, while I am still alive, and leave all the rest of the reading. Today I have a whole hour of time, I’ll try to remember something from Father’s conversations. “Obedience is better than fasting and prayer,” said Father. – Don’t be embarrassed if you have to be late or even miss a church service altogether. Open all your thoughts, especially those that will not leave you for a long time. Gradually you need to go through monastic life, this is the science of sciences. Just as any science must be studied and studied under the guidance of a person more or less experienced in this science, so here it is necessary to stick to your elder. But “one is worthy of asking,” for spiritual division may occur.” We must write down what Father said about the Gospel and faith: “Without faith in something, nothing can be done.” Look why any person, even your brother, wants to become a doctor. Because he believes in medicine. Each scientist believes in his own science. And so it is everywhere and in everything. In the same way, for a Christian life it is necessary to believe in God, Christ, and the Gospel. “We cannot believe,” others say, “there is no evidence for that. Science is a different matter, everything has been proven there.” Okay, but before you reject anything, you need to examine the subject, test it. St. John the Theologian directly says that one must test the “spirit.” But it needs to be tested in practice. You need to live according to the Gospel teaching and find out in practice: is it true that “blessed are the poor in spirit,” “blessed are the meek,” etc. If you have not experienced this, then you cannot refute it, you cannot claim that the Gospel is nonsense. And many people say so. But at the Last Judgment these people will be asked: “Have you read the Gospel?” – and you will definitely get three answers: 1st – “no”, 2nd – “somehow” and 3rd – “Yes, we read it, of course, but we just didn’t understand it.” Yes, you will definitely get these three answers. (The lamp goes out, I can no longer write.) On January 15, I cut my diary short; there was no kerosene. I'll continue a little more, right to the end. – To the first answer, we can say that they themselves are to blame: no one forbade them to read, on the contrary, they even asked them to read. Almost the same can be said for the second answer. The third answer is more interesting. These seem to even deserve an apology. They could not understand the Gospel, that is, believe it, although you were given the key of understanding: “Test the spirit.” Why didn't you want to try it? So, it’s their own fault. Thus, these too are unrequited. Father is sick, but he is already feeling better, otherwise he could not move without help. What will God give tomorrow? Otherwise, no, no, and I’ll be reminded of his words that he doesn’t have long to live. I remembered his instructions and what he said: “If you live badly, then no one touches you, but if you start to live well, you will immediately face sorrows, temptations and insults.” By this he wanted to tell me that it is necessary to humbly endure insults inflicted by others, and sorrows in general. - Monks, in general all our brethren, are also people, and since they are people, they necessarily have their own passions and vices: one is proud, another is evil, the third is a fornicator, and so on. All these people came here to the hospital to be treated for what, and they are cured with the help of God. I say this because you will see the vices of the brethren, but you must try not to judge - this is our motto. All people are weak, everyone has fears, but we must forgive. A thought occurred to me: what if Father called me to talk to him when he was sick? And indeed, Father called me today for morning tea at 7, and I left him at about 10. The reason for this Father told me after the conversation: “I called you because I myself was somehow depressed. I wanted to call Fr. Kuksha, he’s probably still sleeping. That’s why I called you.” Obviously, Father is disposed towards me, although I am not worth it. I will try to convey what I remember from the conversation. It seems that Father began by asking how my obedience was, and then said: – Probably, you, or your relatives, or even your ancestors had some kind of good deed towards St. John the Baptist, if he received you here to himself. Don't remember? - And this is what happened to me. In Kazan, I once wanted to fast during Great Lent, and I missed the entire fast; there were only three days left. Well, at least three days and talk. I go and think: where can I talk? I didn’t want to see the regimental priest. Where? And then I looked - the monastery, poor, dirty (the novices were some desperate ones), half collapsed. “What kind of monastery is this?” - "Ivanovsky, in the name of John the Baptist." - “Okay, can I confess here?” - "Please." So I fasted there. And then I started going there often for services. Sometimes I stand, and my thought says to me: “Look, what a poor, dirty lamp. Buy a new, better one." I bought it, and somehow it felt nice to look at it. Then I bought a case for a large icon. And so I fell in love with everything about the monastery! Truly: “Where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.” And how much joy I felt after confession and communion with St. Christ's Mysteries! These are the trifles for which St. John the Baptist allowed me to be accepted into his monastery. When I entered that monastery in Kazan for the first time, I asked, among other things: “Who is the abbot here?” - “Hegumen Barsanuphius.” Only later did I understand what it meant: in this poor dirty monastery I saw an image of my inner state of mind. Many years later, when I took over the management of the monastery, I was asked: “How will you maintain the monastery?” I answered that I don’t think about it and don’t dare, because I’m not the owner. I am only the clerk of St. John the Baptist. Today after Matins, at 7 o'clock in the morning, there was a general prayer service for the health of the brethren of the entire monastery, especially for the sick. A surprising number of people fell ill at once, starting with Father and ending with the novices. What does it mean? Probably God's punishment for our admonition. Father does not yet accept the brethren for blessing. So there was nothing special. I would like to write down that the meal was delicious. Such simple food as empty cabbage soup with vegetable oil and buckwheat porridge seems tastier than any other food I ate at home in Moscow. I remember last year at Easter, when we were leaving here, I thought: “This is how delicious Easter cakes and Easter cakes will seem to me.” So what? Here I ate cottage cheese with sour cream, salt and black bread with great pleasure. I'm surprised myself. The relatively meager food here is much tastier than homemade Moscow food. This, in my opinion, is directly the Lord delighting the food here. So far, food doesn’t bother me at all, but on the contrary, thank God for everything. Oh, if only I could really say it so sincerely, with all my heart. This day is wonderful for Ivanushka and me: we were dressed in novice clothes. I will write down everything in detail, God willing, tomorrow. Tomorrow is the memory of the Three Hierarchs of Christ. And today is the memory of St. Ignatius the God-Bearer. This is the day on which the Lord vouchsafed us to be numbered among the chosen flock. Glory to God and thanksgiving. So, yesterday morning, on the day of remembrance of St. Ignatius the God-Bearer, at 8 o'clock in the morning, we came to Father for a blessing to go get dressed and, having received the blessing, at 9 o'clock we went for a blessing to Fr. Archimandrite Xenophon. Having received his blessing, we went to the graves of the elders. Having taken a blessing from them and prayed, we went to the ruins. Having tried on our clothes and prayerfully put them on, we again went to the elders and Fr. for a blessing at the graves. Archimandrite. We met Fr. Theodosius and took his blessing. Then they came to the monastery, made three prostrations at the gates, and went to Father. Here we were greeted by cell attendants and members of the brethren. Finally, they came to Father, bowed to the ground in front of the icons, then bowed to Father at his feet to the ground. Father blessed, kissed and began to pray. Father prayed out loud, and I remembered something: “I thank you, Lord, for you hid this from the wise and prudent and revealed it as a baby. I thank You, Lord, that You brought these Nicholas and John here.” Then I prayed that the Lord would grant us permission to walk this path of monastic life and achieve our goal. He gave us a rosary and said: - Here is a weapon for you, mercilessly beat invisible enemies with it. First of all, have the fear of God, without it you will achieve nothing. Now a new life begins for you. Even though you lived in a monastery, everything was not the same. Now everywhere the demons are talking: “They were almost ours, now they came here to be saved, how is this possible, etc.” But don't be afraid. I consider it my duty to tell you about myself: back in Kazan, when I decided to finally give up everything and submitted my resignation, I paid a final farewell visit to one colleague just before leaving. I was driving a cab past a church in honor of the Holy Trinity, on the wall of which there was a full-length icon of the Savior, with outstretched arms. Usually, I reverently crossed myself and nothing more, passing by. This time I drove, lost in thought and with my head down. I raise my head and suddenly I see this very icon, and it’s as if someone is telling me right in my heart: “Now you are Mine.” Christ, it seemed, was directly telling me: “Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest...” Never from that icon was such an impression as then. I was touched, tears came to my eyes. The cab driver has passed a long time ago, but this icon still stands before my eyes. So it was etched in my memory for the rest of my life. Then Father gave us both three books: “The Death of a Righteous Man - a letter to Claudia Procula - Pilate’s wife”, “Materikon - a collection of instructions from Abba Isaiah to the nun Theodora” by Bishop. Feofan and “On external decency and behavior of new novices” by Bishop. Ignatius Brianchaninova. - Both together, for you must be one. Then Father asked about the practical side of the matter in Rukholnaya and Fr. Archimandrite. But we didn’t talk anything with Fr. archimandrite: his cell attendant, Fr. John. Father quickly asked: - Yes, how true the premonition is. What an old man I am, and yet revelations happen through me. I had this one yesterday. John. As a spiritual father, I know everything about him. Recently, a demon attacked him and drove him to the point where he decided to go into the world. He came to me and said: “Can I give my blessing for such a thing?” Imagine that you are traveling on a boat at night. There is a storm at sea, the ship is flying with full sails. And so you say to me: “Bless me to throw myself into this abyss and darkness...” That’s the same now. - Yes, that’s not it, Father. - Yes, that’s not it, it’s even worse. Judge for yourself: with your health you won’t live long, what happened is gone. Stay here. And now you see what happened. It's always like this. The demons see that a person does not have long to live, so they try to pull him out of the monastery, hoping to destroy him before death and thereby push him into the abyss. One violation of a vow is already disastrous. There was one case here. Some son of a millionaire entered a monastery. Before he lived very wildly, he soon got tired of the monastic life and left. And what kind of life does this unfortunate man lead now? He walks in a top hat with a cane along Nevsky Prospekt and nothing more. But oh. John, thank God, died on the cross. I believe that I am saved. We prayed for his repose. Father read prayers, we listened and prayed. - Well, now go to lunch. Thank God that you have received such mercy from Him. Today is a significant day - the memory of St. Ignatius the God-Bearer. Peace be with you. Having run into our cells, we went to a meal, where all the brethren congratulated us. And oh. After the meal, when we were leaving, Nectary told us: “I wish you to walk this path with humility, patience and gratitude,” and he ran away. I like o. Nectary, but he is painfully wonderful. They were already standing at the All-Night Vigil in novice attire. Now Father called us. He gave us a robe and a jar of jam to console us on holidays. Save him, Lord. He told us about his visit to two blessed ones: Ivanushka and Annushka. Today I can’t write anymore. Just now I was at Father’s, we managed to talk for 20–25 minutes. In order not to forget, I will try to write it down. When I arrived, Father blessed me, and I knelt near the sofa, on which Father sat. – I have doubts, Father, and thoughts. – Yes, doubts, as well as lustful thoughts and blasphemies, must be despised and not paid attention to them. Despise them, and the enemy, the devil, will not stand it, he will leave you, for he is proud and will not endure contempt. And if you enter into conversations with them, because all lustful thoughts, blasphemies and doubts are not yours, then he will throw you down, overwhelm you, and kill you. A believer who loves God cannot blaspheme, but nevertheless notices two threads in himself: he loves and he blasphemes. It is obvious that there is still some kind of evil force that casts doubts. Notice that this is a seraphic mind. Therefore, it is not at all surprising that he can arouse, raise doubts, and what kind of doubts... Don’t pay attention to them. There were so many sincere, believing people who suffered greatly from accepting, considering, and reasoning with these doubts. Take our writers: Belinsky - what a difference he made in the first and second half of his life. Lermontov also had a strong mind, Turgenev and others... Therefore, you must despise these doubts, blasphemies, and prodigal thoughts, then they will not harm you at all, especially if you open them to the elder mentor. But they should not be opened in detail, otherwise you may harm both yourself and the elder. Especially prodigal thoughts: we need to fill up, cover this stinking hole with manure, and not dig into it. What do you have now? What doubts, thoughts? - Well, Father, one of the brethren I see this, the other - another. - Well, the devil is always like this. He sometimes presents to us his brother’s view as completely different, not the way he really is. It seems to you that your brother looked at you angrily, insultingly, but in reality this is not the case at all. So the devil can present us with something else. Here's a case: there was one hieromonk here, Fr. Benedict and another monk, Fr. Arseny, monk of the good life. He almost never left his cell due to his illness and led a special life. One time goes oh. Benedict went to his cell, and at the porch Fr. He sees Anatoly: Fr. is standing. Arseny. His look is somehow angry, hostile, and does not suit a blessing. O. Venedikt looked at him and passed by with great surprise. As soon as he began to turn behind the church, Fr. comes towards him from the completely opposite direction. Arseny. The face is cheerful, suitable for blessing. O. Venedikt, even more surprised, asks: - How? I just saw you near Father Father’s porch. Anatolia. - You imagined it. You can see where I'm coming from. Then Fr. Benedict went to Father Father for permission to do this. Anatoly. - Well, what's surprising here? You are a hieromonk, but you don’t know this? It was, of course, a demon in the form of Fr. Arseny,” said Fr. Anatoly. Yes, there are such cases, the world has no idea about them, but here they are beyond doubt... - Well, what else? - asked Father. “I’m very proud, Father, and vain.” - Who isn’t proud? Macarius the Great says that even every saint has something proud. That's how deep this infection is in us. Only the angels are not proud - they are pure, and even those who go from here to heaven. Otherwise everyone has pride. Well, it will. The rest will come later. I will explain little by little. I carried firewood with the workers to heat our cells. When I went to Father for a blessing along with all the brethren, I grabbed the book “The Spiritual Meadow.” Father let me read. The publication of the book in its present form belongs to Archpriest Mikhail Ivanovich Khitrov. I don’t know him at all, although he was a writer. Father said that he cried when he received the news of the death of Fr. Mikhail. “He promised a lot, but that means it was God’s will.” “Then Father said: “How many times has my mind told me to ask you if you ever had an out-of-the-ordinary incident in your life?” “Yes, there was an incident,” I say, without knowing why, remembering one incident that happened in my distant childhood. “Think it over and then tell me.” – Not at all simple, but out of the ordinary. – I want to say that there is no need to think about it, it is very simple. “When I was about five years old,” I began, “I had a disease - false croup (I think that’s what it’s called), a throat disease. I was already lifeless, turned blue and even cold. Dad already thought that I was dead, and told Mom to leave me and not rub me with ointment anymore, that everything was useless. But mother, without losing hope, still rubbed and prayed to St. Nicholas the Wonderworker about my life. And a miracle happened: I began to breathe, and then I was always in fairly good health. - Of course, this is an out of the ordinary case. Actually, it’s not an accident, because everything happens to us purposefully. You have been given life. Your mother prayed, and St. Nicholas the Wonderworker prayed for you, and the Lord, as the Omniscient, knew that you would enter a monastery and gave you life. And believe that you will remain a monk for the rest of your life. So write about this to your mother with an interpretation of this case. I wanted to leave after that, but then I asked about the Jesus Prayer: could it be read abbreviated. Father did not allow it, saying that our elders had commanded us to read it in its entirety, and to place emphasis on the last word: “sinner.” “Then you will learn,” said Father. I am now writing about my conversation with Father and thinking: I had completely forgotten that incident from my life, I have never even remembered it here. And suddenly, without knowing why, he called him directly. And only now am I starting to look differently. It begins to seem to me not like the simple, ordinary incident that I previously considered it to be. True, I feel and have previously felt respect for St. Nicholas more than for any other saints. I need to write to my mother. I will ask, God willing, Father how to write. With this I will further verify the interpretation I wrote today. When we were at the blessing, Father told me in response to my question about the letter to my mother: “Write like that, which clearly indicated your monastic destiny.” - So, I understood correctly. Even earlier, as soon as I entered, Father asked: – How is the internal structure? Do you have the name of Jesus on your lips? – I try to have it, but very often I forget. “That’s the whole point, to always have the memory of God; that’s what the Jesus Prayer is for.” But don’t be surprised that you forget everything, you just have to try. After all, you didn’t go to university straight away, but first learned the alphabet, right? Abba Dorotheus says that he looked at books as if they were animals, and then he became very addicted to reading books. At first I probably read not spiritual, but secular books, and then switched to spiritual ones. Yes, this always happens... There was schemamonk Cleopas in the Solovetsky Monastery. He spent forty years in solitude on one uninhabited island, where food was brought to him from the monastery and his confessor went there. Then he expressed a desire to return to the monastery. No one knew how he labored, what horrors he suffered from demonic power, or what his feat consisted of. When he returned, Fr. The archimandrite, in front of his confessor, asked him: “What was your main activity, and how much have you succeeded, tell us: to me and to your spiritual father.” He answered that it was in the Jesus Prayer. He replaced all akathists, all services, everything, everything with the Jesus Prayer. “And I begin to understand, to make out a little bit the initial letters of this alphabet.” That's how deep it is. And what effect the Jesus Prayer has, we have no idea about. So you shouldn't be surprised. This is acquired over years and not immediately. This cannot be acquired in one day, although there are exceptions, but the general rule is this. Fasting is approaching... During the all-night vigil one hears the harbingers of fasting, penitential verses with their touching chanting: “Open the door of repentance, O Giver of Life...”, “On the rivers of Babylon,” etc. Today is the week of the Prodigal Son. What a deep parable. What's the point. Today Father received me very kindly. When he asked how I was, I answered: - Thank God, good, peace of mind. - Yes, and I enjoyed peace of mind for two years, ... and then, and then. I won’t tell you what horrors I had. First of all, my thoughts attacked me, but seeing the dawn, I tried to quickly run through this dark street. When Father Fr. passed away. Anatoly, I have lost my support... It is clear from everything that Father endured a lot. Father told me more than once: “As soon as you wake up, let your first thing be the sign of the cross, and your first words be the words of the Jesus Prayer.” I have now been given a very urgent obedience: the correspondence of letters to Fr. Ambrose for publishing them again with additions and amendments. Now at the blessing we managed to talk for about five minutes. - So, Father, do you always need to touch your rosary with prayer? - Necessarily. Always have your rosary with you; they should be in your hands during church services and during the rule. Even if they look or are watching, do not be embarrassed, go through them, saying the Jesus Prayer. During mass, pay attention to what is sung and read, but leave the prayer. During the all-night vigil you can use your rosary when you don’t hear what they are reading. Obedience, of course, is impossible to overdo. When you write or read in your cell, your rosary should be in your belt. When you sit like this, say the rosary prayer. When talking, you can say to yourself: “Lord, have mercy,” or you can even say the Jesus Prayer... In general, I understood that whenever possible, you should always say the Jesus Prayer using the rosary, and if you can’t, then the prayer should always be in your mind without the rosary. Today Father blessed us both to read the Psalter about health and peace in the skete church. I can write down 12 names for commemoration by right belonging to all novices. Now Father told me that he had a daughter of General Chernyaev, famous for the Turkish War. – A very educated girl, still young. I enjoyed talking with her. I love to talk with such people; they are a sincere soul, sincerely seeking God. Then she wrote that she had never experienced what she experienced here in Optina. I didn’t expect, I didn’t even imagine that it was possible to experience something like this. This is incomprehensible to her, but, of course, the grace of God acted. Today she sent me an icon of the Kazan Mother of God. Well, look: why the Kazan icon and not another? I am from Kazan myself. Please note that today is February 12th. Why did she send on this particular day? Previously, on February 12, I also received an icon for blessing from the Lavra of St. Sergius. Coincidence... I couldn't write yesterday. After reading the Psalter, I went to the blessing. Father himself began to talk and ask me. I say: -...Of course, thoughts come... “You can’t do without this, the mind can’t be without thoughts, just as a person can’t help but breathe.” This is his need. But what to think about? Another imagines prodigal pictures and delights in this painting. And you came here to seek God, and everyone is seeking God. Finding God is the goal of monastic life. Then Father said that you can live in a monastery, but not be a monk. - Everyone is looking for God. So artists in the field of poetry, painting, especially music - everyone wants to find God. That's not what they're looking for. How to search for God? Keep the commandments, especially humility, enter a monastery. But they don’t want to keep the commandments, they especially don’t want to humble themselves, they want to take some side streets, closer, shorter. They have a very meager concept of chastity. For example, Byron or Raphael - it would be difficult to find him more depraved, but he painted Madonna. Or do you know Pushkin’s poem “The Prophet”? There he says: “I dragged myself in the dark desert...” “I dragged myself,” and literally crawled with my whole body. Further: “And the six-winged seraphim appeared to me at a crossroads.” Here, perhaps, he meant himself? I doubt whether he appeared to him? Pushkin then paints a picture of the dedication of the Old Testament prophet. It seems that it is said that he comprehended both “the cherubim’s high aspirations and the underwater passage of the sea.” Angels are pure, they only “philosophize on high.” And we also have a “reptile sea underwater passage.” These two currents run parallel to us. But one should only try to “philosophize on high.” This will not be achieved immediately: the movement of the sea reptiles will become increasingly quiet and, finally, there will be only one mountain aspiration, and those reptiles will dive into the abyss and disappear. Yes, this can be achieved. So I tell you: “Humble yourself and humble yourself. Help you. God". He comforts me very much, unworthy of his love. I follow his instructions very lazily, and generally live carelessly. Yesterday I slept almost all day after tea until Vespers, I didn’t read anything. Father covers everything with his love, no matter what nasty things you tell him about yourself. How many times did Father say that you need to get up before the service, even before the bell rings, saying: – The ringing of bells represents the voice of the Archangel. “Blessed is he who will be found vigilantly.” You need to get up early, get ready, wash. Mainly, you need to keep your hands clean. How, for example, will you take the antidor with dirty hands at mass? Then, having prepared, wait for the ringing or alarm and go immediately. And go to mass before the bell rings, as soon as you read your morning prayers. I, damned one, am very lazy to get up, and generally lazily follow Father’s instructions. Lent is coming soon and St. Pentecostal, we must correct ourselves through Father’s prayers and with God’s help. God willing, I will write the rules of life and everyday behavior for memory according to the instructions of Father and the Holy Fathers. Tomorrow it will be exactly one year since we arrived in Optina for the first time. Tomorrow is Forgiveness Sunday, and then Lent. All this time I have no time to write; I’m thinking of writing down only one conversation with Father, which was completely unexpected for me on the 21st. I finished reading the Psalter at 9:30 pm and went straight to Father, thinking to get at least one blessing for sleep. Father received me, he had just had a brother... and I also had a conversation with him. After letting the cell attendant go to bed, Father sat down on the sofa and began to say: – The more a monk lives in a monastery, the more he learns. This happens gradually. Of course, God can immediately make a poor person rich. There have been cases when the mind was immediately enlightened from above... The mind is one thing, reasoning is another. Reasoning is a gift of God, just like everything else is a gift of God. But reasoning is superior to other gifts and is not acquired immediately. A person can be very smart, but completely unreasonable, he can satisfy the basest needs, have mistresses and even not recognize God at all. There are carnal people who live only for the womb, for fornication. There are spiritual people, these are higher than carnal ones. And finally, there are spiritual people. The difference between soulful people and spiritual people is enormous. For, as the apostle says: “The natural man does not receive the things of the Spirit of God, because he considers them foolishness.” He can know all human wisdom, all philosophy, but not have spiritual reasoning. Here Father reminded the words of the Apostle: “The word of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved the power of God is.” Yes, for them it is foolishness, but for us, those who are being saved, it is the power of God. And notice, it says “those who are being saved,” not “saved,” and “those who are perishing,” not “those who are lost.” Others will not notice this difference right away, but then suddenly notice it after a while. We are all being saved, but it is not yet known whether we will be saved. It is also said “perishing,” for they can turn, although they are standing on an inclined plane, sliding down. It was already about 11 o'clock. Father is tired. – Every day a miracle of God’s mercy occurs on me, a sinner: I am almost 70 years old, but, thank God, I have enough strength for the day. When I got sick, I thought that I would never get up again, but I got up and they prayed for me. They prayed for me in many places, especially in convents. Then Father began to talk about old age. - Now the elders are burning out. There is no longer eldership everywhere; in Optina, the cinders are burning out. The enemy rebels against nothing more than the care of the elderly: it destroys all his strength. Everywhere he tried to extinguish it and extinguished it. There are monks who live regularly, but they know nothing about the revelation of thoughts, about eldership. Therefore, without eldership, in many monasteries there was only one form of monastic life, one appearance. Nowadays, rarely does anyone say the Jesus Prayer, and what is monasticism without the Jesus Prayer? Under Catherine II, the enemy initiated persecution of elders. Catherine II directly closed the monasteries; the elders and disciples fled, some to Athos, some to Western Orthodox states. One of them, Paisiy Velichkovsky, fled to Athos... His disciples again planted eldership here and in other monasteries after they were allowed to return to Russia again. And the elders flourished... And now they have faded away everywhere, forgotten. The enemy starts with innocent things, lures us into sins... That is why the enemy hates the elders, hates the place of revelation of thoughts, the very voice in which it is said. “Yes, Father,” I say, “as soon as I want to write down what I was going to tell you, it already becomes easier for me, I noticed it.” - Yes, you’re just writing, and he’s already running. It's all night vigil now. I’ll write everything I remember, God willing, later, but now I’ll lie down for about 15 minutes, I’m tired, I slept for 4 hours today. This all-night vigil will be the first in the second year since the day of my arrival in Optina for the first time. Last year at this time we were leaving Moscow, and I said goodbye to her forever, but God judged otherwise. And now we are in Optina, in the monastery. God bless. Today is the first day of Lent. They welcome and spend this holy time well here. Great consolation and Lenten service. The singing is far from artistic, but in general everything is somehow good. To maintain strength - scanty cold food, but quite sufficient to maintain vigor. Instead of tea, we drink boiling water or brew mint with honey once a day. In general, if you wish, you can live very well here. You need to take more care of yourself, and not of others. And when you notice other people’s weaknesses and are proud of others (mentally), you must answer the demonic thought: “I am worse than everyone,” - that’s what Father told me, and that’s what you have to say, at least unfeelingly. Father also told me that the enemy always attacks from one side, pressing on one passion. For example, by luring him into gluttony, he will not at the same time embarrass him with love of money, for this could destroy his work. Perhaps a person will become stingy to please the belly. Or, luring him into the net of the love of money, he will not push towards fornication, for again he can destroy his work. I noticed on myself that since I told Father about my thoughts about the military and about being tonsured into the mantle, they do not bother me yet; and I remember Father told me that they would leave me, God willing. And indeed, they left it. All sorts of other things come to mind, but these are not there due to Father’s prayers. I notice that, perhaps, this year it is easier for me to stand and get up than last year, although last year I felt good. God bless. The first week of the Holy Week has already passed. Great Lent, and with God’s help I, thank God, spent it easily and even with spiritual consolation. The less you eat, the less you want, now I have experienced this in practice. And I noticed: the more I listened to the service as usual, the more I liked it. Now I am beginning to understand the meaning of fasting: both body and soul feel somehow good. In general, I notice that I am starting to like it here more and more. How I liked the All-Night Vigil yesterday, especially its first part – Vespers, how well I listened to the stichera on “The Lord has cried...”. How pleasant it was for me to stand at the Six Psalms in this peaceful twilight. Now I was reading the psalter, and when I finished, going here to my cell, how good I felt. After prayer, my soul is peaceful, quiet, like everything around me: and this wonderful night, the moon, clear sky and bright stars, silence, the snow glitters, centuries-old spruce trees all around... Good. Glory to God that He, the Merciful, placed me, a sinner, here under the protection of the Mother of God and His prophet John the Baptist. Here I feel good everywhere, but in my cell, when I am alone, it seems best to me. I don’t leave my cell anywhere without doing anything, except to go to church, for a routine, for obedience, for a meal, and nowhere else. If something happens, I go, and if possible, I sometimes put it off, but I don’t really like going to the monastery: it’s noisy and crowded. I usually only go outside the monastery fence to get water from the Ambrose Well. In general, the Lord consoles me, and my current life as a skete novice is not a burden to me. I don’t want anything better: neither food, nor service, so I find out that I am very happy here. Yesterday evening, at 8 o’clock, I finished reading the Psalter and went to Father for a blessing after everyone else, and unexpectedly for me, I again managed to talk with Father. When I entered, Father told me to sit on a chair under the clock and be silent, and he left. After some time, quite soon, Father came and began to curtain the windows. The moon was shining from the window, right behind the trees. Already 3-4 nights in a row were as beautiful as I described before. Father pointed this out to me: - Yes, Father. When I go to my cell after the Psalter, I like it all: the moon and the snow, and when I go to my cell, I feel even better there. - Of course, it’s better in a cell. Then Father began to talk about one of our monastery monks, Fr. Feodula. – There lived a monk in the kitchen, very simple, illiterate. Nobody knew anything about him. Even Fr. the archimandrite did not know what he had achieved with his soul. Well, as a spiritual father, I know everything. He was constantly silent and went through the Jesus Prayer. Everyone saw that the rosary was constantly with him and always in motion, but no one imagined what was going on inside him. He mastered verbal prayer so well that he began to approach internal prayer. I rarely had the opportunity to talk to him, but when I did, it gave me great comfort. He fell ill and went to the hospital, and when I confessed to the monastery brethren in the hospital in the first week, I went to him and talked. I ask if he wants anything. Then I asked him again if he wanted anything. - Nothing... but perhaps, Father, something sour. The next day I brought him two apples and two oranges... And how glad he was. How little is needed for a monk, let alone in the world... Then I once asked him: “How do you like it?” - It’s boring to live here, Father. - Yes, where is the fun? - I ask. - Yes, it’s fun there, if only they’ll accept it. - Yes, that’s just the point, I’m not ready. I am a sinner, worse than anyone. The next day I come and ask: - No, Father, nothing. I wish for one thing: to be resolved and to be with Christ. Pray for me, Father. Bless you, Father, I have a long, unknown path ahead of me to go. - God bless. Go. When you stand before the throne of the Lord, remember me, your spiritual father. - Okay, I’ll remember it when I do. - Well, of course, if you will. Today a novice comes running and says that Fr. Theodul died. And I believe that he went to the villages of paradise. This is how they die here, and how in the world... And at the Last Judgment it will be found out who was smarter: professors, scientists, artists or such simpletons as Fr. Feodul. Then Father sat me down on the sofa with him and, hugging me, said: “From the very first time I felt good about you, and I believe that this good feeling will remain for the entire time that I have left to live... Remain here as a monk for the rest of your life.” And the basis of monastic life is humility. If there is humility, everything is there, but if there is no humility, there is nothing. You can be saved even without any works by humility alone. ...That time when I was sick, I thought I wouldn't get up. But they began to pray for me, and I was given a reprieve. There is one blessed woman, she had a dream: as if she was approaching the monastery and saw that through St. Some wife and husband are leading out of the monastery at the gate. “I,” he says, “ask them: “Where are you taking Father?” - To the monastery. - Why did you bring him to the monastery? After all, they only take someone out of the skete to the monastery when they die, and Father is needed in the skete. Leave him alone. - No way. - Then I begin to ask with tears: - Yes, leave him, please... - Then the husband and wife began to consult and decided that they could leave him, and they took him back to St. gate to the monastery." She told it to Nilus, and he told it to me. She told him when I was still healthy, some time before my illness, and said that from this she concluded that something must happen to me. The Lord sees that I love everyone, that I would like to enclose everyone in my heart, and it’s not crowded there, but what can you do? Some people don’t want to, so they don’t go themselves. Yes, I don’t blame them, this is all the work of the devil, they are not to blame. There were persecutions against me, but this is how the Lord wanted to do it... - Yes, here, Father, Abba Dorotheus has finished, bless Peter of Damascus to begin. - Okay, start. There are strange mysterious places in this book. There you will see how the saints began to understand the meaning of visible nature. They don’t care about visible things, but they understand their meaning... – Yes, Father, I understand as the psalm says: “Let every breath praise the Lord”... - Yes, yes, of course, it is not the creation itself that praises the Lord. How will snow praise the Lord? But he himself proves the glory and wisdom of the One who created him. Also, fire, wind, and hail do not themselves praise God, but only show the glory, power and wisdom of the Lord. And the one who consciously glorifies God is a person who, cognizing God’s creation, glorifies God. In this sense it is said: “Let every breath praise the Lord.” I say to Father: “But some poets say something similar, for example, Lermontov: “When a yellowing field is agitated...” - “Yes, you reminded me well of this poem... yes... in this sense, even every creation says: “birds have their own language,” some scientists even admit this. The nightingale sings - of course, she glorifies God.” While there is time, I hasten to write down everything I remember... “Now Christianity is hated everywhere.” It is a yoke that prevents you from living freely and freely committing sin. Goethe once expressed himself about Christianity this way: “I hate only two things: bedbugs and Christianity.” Look, what a mockery, what a blasphemy. When he was dying, he shouted: “More light, more light.” Scary words. This means that hellish darkness was already approaching him. This is how they hate Christianity now, and after death they go to the bottom of hell, but here, in silence, they are saved, like, for example, Fr. Feodul. From the very beginning Father said about him: – His face was always the same as in the Gospel it is said about Jesus Christ that His Face would not come to Jerusalem, so waxen, he no longer thought about anything worldly, he lost all passion for the world. I have also noticed this expression among artists. For example, at one evening Maikov and Polonsky read their works, and Maikov had it barely noticeable, flickering a little during his strong enthusiasm. But all completeness belongs, of course, to the monks. I told Father about the devilish obsession and reminded him of his word that he had told me earlier. To this Father said: “So you’ve seen more, and the more you try to live like a monk, the more you will experience it.” I remember that during this obsession, when I became scared, I impulsively began to say the Jesus Prayer, and at the very first word, as soon as I said: “Lord,” everything immediately stopped, although maybe for a while, I don’t remember now. When I said this, Father added: – Yes, and we learned the power of prayer. By the way, I’ll write down some more instructions from confession. – When you have any dreams, then you yourself do not contradict them and do not drive them away, but simply take, and in them - “Stone”, and the Stone is the name of Christ, the Jesus Prayer. Do not be proud, do not be vain, either in yourself or in front of others. It is said: “do not sound a trumpet before yourself or before others,” but consider yourself worse than everyone else and get used to the idea that you are sentenced to hellish torment, that you are worthy of it, and that you can get rid of it only by the grace of God. This is not easy, and only saints achieve the point where they consider themselves worthy of hellish torment, and they consider themselves the worst of all. Today is the feast of the icon of the Mother of God “Helper of Sinners” and it is a holiday in my cell, since Father blessed me with the icon of the Mother of God just “Helper of Sinners”. I also remembered that Father spoke about the improvement of people and spirits. – People can know God as they improve while still here on earth, but mainly in the future life. In heaven, all disembodied spirits are constantly improving, imitating the lower ones - the higher ones. The highest spirits are seraphim, but they also do not see God as He really is, although every moment they are improving with great speed, and they imitate God as much as possible. And the cherubim imitate the seraphim, etc., and finally, man imitates the angels. So, imitating each other, everyone strives for perfection, knowing God, but will never be able to know or see Him, for the Lord God is an infinite Being, and all other beings, as created by God, are limited. There was one attempt, not only to become equal to God, but even to become higher than Him, and it ended with this seraphim becoming lower than everyone else and immediately acquiring all the negative qualities for his pride and insolence. And so, the more you live here, the more and more you are convinced that the Lord looks only at the meek and humble. And that is why he hates pride because it is a devilish, satanic trait. If the Lord wants, for example, to announce something to you, then He announces His will to the seraphim, and they to the cherubim, and so on, and the guardian angel will tell you to go to Optina and stay there. But this, of course, was the will of God. “Yes,” I answer, “one monk asked me: “How did you begin to want to enter a monastery?” And I don’t even know how. I remember that I began to go to church more often, read the Gospel, and the like. How exactly this desire came about, I absolutely cannot say. - Yes, the seed was sown in you, but how the seed grows in the ground, no one knows and cannot say... I also remember how Father said that a person must fulfill the commandment: “Be holy, as I am holy.” I started reading Peter of Damascus. I like this book. This is a serious and deep book, and I can’t read it quickly. I told Father about this, and he confirmed my words that this book is deeper than Abba Dorotheos. Of course, Abba Dorotheos is the ABC of monastic life, although by reading it one can discover more and more new things, and for everyone it is consistent with his state. It has a shore, and from the shore you can walk first up to your knees, then deeper and deeper. Another - immediately into depth. I'll write down a few more instructions. – There is a little secret to easily getting up in the morning and not oversleeping: don’t judge those who wake up and are late. If you don’t judge others, it will be easy for you... You must get up for mass an hour before it starts. I think half an hour is enough for you to wash, get dressed and read your morning prayers, and when the bell rings, start reading the synodics. “Now get used to not going out for the all-night vigil, otherwise it will be difficult later, tell your brother that too.” Yesterday the cell attendant, Fr. Joseph Fr. Pachomius. This is the second time we have arrived here. Yesterday, Father said on this occasion that “in Optina, it is a sure sign that a person will soon die if he asks to go to his relatives or even wants to leave Optina.” There is absolutely no time to write. Since yesterday I have been given a lot of work to do in the library. These days, during the blessing, Father said something. To my question about the fear that sometimes comes over me in the dark and in general, Father said that it was the enemy. - Drive away this with a psalm word, as the elders taught: “Cleanse my soul from the fear of the enemy”... – Read books, but don’t go into subtleties, don’t go into analysis, but pray to God to enlighten your mind. Fr. told me so. Anatoly and to my question: “Why is this so?” - answered: “You will get confused.” That's what I'm telling you. When I put on a cassock and came to Father Fr. Anatoly, he told me: “Well, brother Pavel.” ...And what music these words sounded in my ears. I, who crawled out of the stinking swamp - the world, was covered in dirt, mud, and I - “brother”. This great old man calls me his brother. So I call you: “Brother Nikolai,” and Nikolai Mitrofanovich remained there, outside the gates... For a monk, all the joy lies in humility, humility and simplicity. Now, since the beginning of Lent, I have been undergoing the obedience of an assistant librarian, and there is a lot of work in the library right now. This is how the Lord strengthens me, unworthy: I am not at all burdened by fasting and do not even desire better food. There are thoughts about the past, but it’s fleeting and doesn’t even bother me. I try to listen to the service, although this is not always possible; I am usually very distracted. Before, I condemned monks, but now, when I myself am in a monastery, I see how difficult it is to be a true monk. I myself have not changed at all, but I remain the same passionate person: my vices and sins are the same as in the world, only I live in a cell. And I didn’t immediately become an angel, which I previously demanded from every monk indiscriminately: whether he was young or old and how long he lived in the monastery - I didn’t want to take anything into account. Now I am beginning to understand from experience how easy it is to reason and how difficult it is to “get things done.” Father said: – If you have to miss something from the rule, then the next day do not do what you missed, but I need to tell you, because you will fall into unpayable debts. But they missed it, they missed it, there’s nothing to do. - And if, Father, they force you to read in church, what should you do? You haven't given your blessing yet, have you? – You don’t have to refuse if you’re forced to. God bless... Believe: it is for your benefit that I tell you what you do for obedience. According to your faith, I also tell you what is necessary for you. So they come to me with faith, and I myself am surprised where things come from, I remember what I have read and heard, and I speak for the benefit of those who question them by faith. But it happens that they come simply out of curiosity or when they do not have a goal for spiritual benefit - and then I can’t say anything positively, I say: pray and nothing more. I forgot that when Father spoke about the horrors in the world, he at the same time added: “And among others there are pure souls there.” God. God. Truly, the light shines in the darkness and the darkness does not comprehend it. The post almost passed, and I didn’t notice it at all. Preparations for the holiday are underway. Yesterday and today we cleaned church utensils and washed the floors in the church. Father appointed me to this obedience: “This is great obedience,” said Father. Lent has already passed. Today the Church celebrates the Entry of the Lord into Jerusalem, and tomorrow begins St. Holy Week. I received a blessing from Father to prepare. The Lord helped me this day. I stood through all the services, fulfilled the cell rule, except for the Pentecost, which I plan to celebrate now, and I was not particularly tired, and I stood through the hours and vespers easier than last year, so it seems to me... Today I read for 24 hours. I started as expected, with Vespers, and if I am alive, I will read Matins tomorrow and then the Hours. I read the day for the first time, and the Lord led me to read them during Holy Week. God bless. Time flies. Half of Bright Week has already passed, today is Wednesday. It's good here. There is no strong upsurge of feelings, as happened in the world, but calm and quiet in the soul. I seemed to have forgotten that there is a world with its imaginary joy and pleasures, then I forgot about my relatives, although I pray for them all every day. ...I am completely satisfied with my life, with my behavior - I’m talking about the rut, the foundation of life. In the world, at one time I was even more satisfied with my life, not noticing, not feeling my sins and actions against God and my neighbor, but here I am beginning to feel some of my sins. Here the conscience is more convicting, and I try to cleanse it as much as possible among the elders with the sincere revelation of thoughts and actions. “Sincere” - because I tell Father everything from myself, no one forces me to do this, although I have a desire to justify myself, but I repented of this to Father. And I seem to have learned the power and necessity of revelation, for I myself feel relief: that calm and pacification of conscience that happens after revelation. An offense that you remember all the time, and it bothers you, you almost forget when you tell Father about it. Therefore, I decided to always be frank with Father, and to guard my conscience in every possible way... Yesterday I received a telegram from Bishop Tryphon. Congratulations on the holiday. Here is its text: “May the Risen Savior bless you.” Briefly, but comfortingly for us, that is, for me and Ivanushka... “A great thing is the archpastoral blessing,” said Father. “The bishop himself may be a sinner, like all people, but his blessing and prayers have great power...” In Moscow, we once came together, or I alone, I don’t remember exactly, to Vladyka. He always received us very well, and this time too. We talked about what was needed, and suddenly Vladyka said: “These days I kept remembering something about you and, I must admit, I even prayed for you. Did anything special happen to you? Now I don’t remember well, but I answered that it seemed like nothing. But everything is possible, something happened... only we were protected by the saint’s prayers, and we didn’t feel anything special. However, let me return to yesterday. Father told me to come to him for a minute. We entered together. Having bowed, Father took a wax egg with decorations from the table and, handing it to me, said: - I wanted to give you an egg... I took it and thanked Father. Then Father asked if I played any musical instrument. I answered: - No, I tried a little, but nothing worked. “So you have to play in your soul, according to the words: “I sing to my God, until I am.” This wonderful harmony is noticed especially in the prophet and psalmist David in his psalms... This singing is the property of monasticism... Father seemed to say nothing more. Today I received a very short letter from my mother. He congratulates, blesses and informs that there was a terrible flood in Moscow, so that in many churches there was no service for Bright Matins. It is necessary to write down the cell rule: read everything in Slavic, and the order of reading is as follows: first, two kathismas with all the prayers and bows, then two chapters from the Apostle (the Apocalypse is not read in the cell rule); chapter of the Gospel and Memorial. With Father’s blessing, I celebrate all this after the meal before tea. In the evening, from 9–10 o’clock, after the blessing, before going to bed, five hundred remains. Book of St. Ignatius Brianchaninov, volume 3, I graduated. I once told Father that despite the fact that I liked this book, there were some places in it in which I felt some doubt, for example, the ordeal, the Throne in Heaven, the ranks of angels, paradise, etc. “All this must be understood spiritually,” answered Father, “this is only a hint of reality itself, and some, not realizing that everything is said here in the highest spiritual sense, are tempted.” For example, in heaven before the Throne of God there is a curtain that was parted when blessed Theodora approached her... Of course, this must be understood in a spiritual sense. Just as they say that the Jews had a veil over their eyes. After all, this does not mean that there really was some kind of material veil over them. Or they also say about the seraphim that they covered their faces with wings. What kind of wings could they have? This means that they cannot see the full glory of God. Obedience - drawing up the order of services - is for now or completely left behind from me, for what reasons - I don’t know. Probably Fr. Kuksha told Father that he alone could do this job. And now I mainly work on obedience in the garden. The Lord strengthens me, a sinner. In fact, I, not accustomed to physical labor, although I have some physical strength and endurance, today worked almost the whole day... And thanks and thank God, I was not tired... I am beginning to learn what physical work is as work, and not entertainment, as happened in the world. Thank God for everything. Tomorrow is May 1st, in memory of St. Paphnutius Borovsky. The brethren will go to the monastery for a vigil, and tomorrow to the well... Yesterday Ivanushka and I visited Father. I asked about my perplexities and questions. With God's help, I want to write down what happened yesterday. - Father, you have repeatedly told me to hold on to five hundred. What does it mean? - To hold on means to perform it carefully and regularly at the appointed time. Here it is about. Ambrose said this to one of his disciples, schemamonk Melchizedek, who told me about this himself: “Hold on to the five hundred, as to a saving rope, you will not get lost.” Why is this so? Obviously because it has a special power. O. Ambrose did not reveal to us what kind of power this is and what it consists of, but we can think that it is in the pronunciation of the name of Jesus Christ. Many people think that the power lies in the fact that Pentecostal origins from the ancient fathers of Egypt and Palestine... - But, Father, when I celebrate five hundred, all sorts of stupid things come into my head, and so the thought slides over everything that comes to mind. – When they read all sorts of other prayers, still nothing; when they begin to celebrate Pentecost, thoughts immediately attack. The enemy immediately takes up arms. From this we learn that the five hundred has great power if it is so hated by the enemy... - Father, Abba Dorotheus, Rev. Peter of Damascus, bishop Ignatius Brianchaninov - everyone says that you need to listen to yourself, check your life one day in the evening, and one night in the morning. Bless me to check myself in the same way. - God bless. Check yourself and repent of your sins. Of course, in the morning you only need to remember gross deviations, for example, you overslept and were late for matins, condemned someone for matins, behaved freely, etc., because for us the night passes in a dream, but for the ancient fathers it passed in vigil. Ep. Ignatius says: “What the fathers of ancient times referred to as beginners can now only apply to significantly successful monks.” Indeed, you too may say that present-day monasticism is small and similar to the previous one. Examining your life leads to the knowledge of your sins; the knowledge of our sins leads to the knowledge of our weakness and repentance, and this, in the end, leads to the thought of God and death... Therefore, it will be enough if we remember our sins, check our lives and repent of our sins that happened during the day and during the night: “Forgive me, Lord, that I offended my brother or did such and such.” It is not in your power to drive away thoughts, but not to accept them is within your power. The name of Jesus drives them away. And sometimes a thought is deliberately allowed to bother you, you have to endure the thought without agreeing with it... U o. Ambrose did not have particularly close disciples, only Fr. Anatoly was truly his close comrade, so to speak. He had no enemies, he loved everyone, even those who did not love him; he seemed to love them more than others. ... - Well, did you go to the well? – I also went for ten years. How cheerful you feel. Partly this is from walking in the fresh air, but mainly it is beneficial... - Father, if you miss checking yourself in the morning or evening, should I tell you everything that happened or not? – The purpose of this self-test is to gain skill in this... After the test, you don’t need to tell me everything, only the most important things, only rough digressions... - What about idle talk? And it’s unpleasant for yourself that you’re talking idle talk, but you don’t stop. - Yes, this is very important. These are the beginnings of an attentive life in you. When someone talks idle talk, he cannot live attentively, constantly being distracted. From silence comes silence, from silence comes prayer, for how can one who is absent-minded pray? Attention to oneself, an attentive life is the goal of monastic life. It is said: “Take heed to yourself.” Silence, without which one cannot live, is a feat. For when someone is silent, the enemy immediately says to others: “Look how proud he is, he doesn’t even want to talk to you.” And this is not at all true. Hence the sorrow. Therefore, whoever decides to undertake this feat must prepare for sorrows. And silence itself does not come quickly or easily. But because it is so high and necessary, “silence is the secret of the life of the next century.” He who is silent is directly preparing for the future life. Father o. Macarius often said: “Look, all the saints were silent: Rev. Seraphim of Sarov was silent, Arseny the Great was silent. Yes, that’s why he’s great because he was silent. When they asked him why he was silent all the time, he answered: “Believe me, brothers, that I love you all, but I cannot be with you and with God, so I am running away from you.” John Climacus has this: “When I spoke even about things that were beneficial to the soul, I often repented, but I never repented of being silent.” Father Macarius said: “There was a great Arseny. And we had our own great Arseny in Russia, if he had taken a different path. This is ep. Ignatius Brianchaninov. It was a great mind." Even in the last conversation about Ignatius Brianchaninov, Father said: – You don’t know what happened when they buried the bishop. Ignatius? - The angels lifted up his soul and sang: “To the Hierarch of God, Father Ignatius.” Here was an angel's song... I remember even before Easter Father told me: – There is another monastery on the White Sea beyond Solovki, like ours. There would be more, but there is no senility in them. And we have grace here. In the monastery they are overwhelmed with obediences, but they don’t want to come to us. What is most pleasant for us is to sit in our cell, they don’t want that. Yes, truly, it is good in our monastery. I seem to be beginning to understand Father’s words: - How can we thank You, Lord, that You tore us away from the world and brought us here... On the 11th I received a letter from Moscow: they report that on May 9th at 6 o’clock. In the morning, my grandmother died, having outlived all her 14 children, of whom dad was the last and was buried 4 years ago. The kingdom of heaven to her. Now it’s very good in the monastery: everything is blooming, turning green, the aroma... The Lord consoles us, us living among nature, us who have fled from imaginary comforts, the bustle and stench of city life. On our gate, on the side facing the monastery, towards the church, it is written: “If Thy village is beloved, O Lord,” and truly so. I remember the circumstances of my entry into the monastery and my feelings... I see, I feel that the words I read in the book of Bishop came true for me. Theophan’s “The Path to Salvation”: “Grace, acting in a person, shows him, gives him a little taste of the sweetness of spiritual life and quickly disappears, putting a person at the point of indifference, where the will of a person for a new life is required.” The fact that I was at the point of indifference when entering the monastery, I now see well and clearly. Why I leaned toward monastic life, I don’t know. Now I am inclined to think that I was drawn here by the prayers of Father, who really wanted Ivanushka and I to come here, and by the prayers of Bishop. Tryphon. In addition, they also prayed for us in the world and here: both in the monastery and in the monastery. And in the Moscow Miracle Monastery - Fr. Seraphim, and in Epiphany - Fr. Jonah with his cell attendant Fr. Mikhail... Yesterday Father told us about Matins. “Matins in our monastery is of great importance. The entire monastic life rests on it, but it also presents considerable difficulties. And for us, who are accustomed to getting up late in the world, this is one of the most difficult situations in monastic life. Therefore, there is no need to give yourself any concessions from the beginning. “See that you don’t wake up Matins,” said Fr. Anatoly, this is very dangerous. There have been cases when many people left this and disappeared.” We must take up this matter right away, from the very beginning. So, for the prayers of the elders, nothing was given to me. Today my mother, Aunt Larya and Kolya arrived. Mom was previously worried that it was difficult and bad for us here, but now, it seems, she has completely calmed down, seeing us healthy and in good spirits. This is good. Mom is generally good, God bless her. My mother really liked Optina. She will fast. Will the Lord give you something tomorrow?.. Tomorrow is Easter... Since our people arrived, I have been spending a lot of time talking and being absent-minded, in contrast to the last few days, so I can’t concentrate in prayer. What to do, you have to endure and resist absent-mindedness, and Father blessed you to go to them, saying: “Yes, go, go, God will bless you.” Now it's time for the all-night vigil. Our team left in the evening. Mom was very pleased. She really liked the monastery and the service. Father liked it too. She calmed down regarding us. We left - and thank God. Now everything will go back to normal again, going to the monastery will stop... Next week it is planned to move the library to a new premises. Therefore, garden obedience is abandoned from me. I am rewriting and presenting in a more correct form what was written by Fr. Kuksha about outstanding days of worship. Tomorrow is Trinity Day, St. Pentecost. As long as we are alive, God willing, we will decorate the new church with birch trees. The Lord continues to comfort me, a sinner. I put up with all obedience, nothing bothers me, I am in a good mood all the time. One day I came to Father. - Well, is everything okay? - asks Father. - Yes, everything is fine, thank God. – Yes, novices are always happy if they go to the monastery with all their hearts. It is said in the psalm: “Work for the Lord with fear and rejoice in Him with trembling.” These are the ones who work for the Lord with fear, afraid of offending Him in any way, and they rejoice, how? - with trepidation. - I, Father, am now beginning to be afraid of the world. Mom said that they were moving to the country, but I was scared, how come they are not afraid to live in the world? - It’s nothing, it’s a saving fear. You have left this terrible monster - the world, and, God willing, you will completely move away from it. Once I had a dream. I seem to be walking through the forest and I see a log lying there. I calmly sit down on it and suddenly feel that the log is moving. I jumped up and saw that it was a huge snake. I'd rather run. I run out of the forest, turn around and see that the entire forest is on fire, and around it, enveloping it in a ring, lies a snake. Glory to Thee, Lord, that I ran away from the forest, what would have happened to me if I had stayed in the forest? And this dream was incomprehensible to me. Then one schema-monk explained this dream to me. The forest is the world. In the world they sin and do not feel, do not realize that they are sinning. In the world there is pride, and flattery, and fornication, and theft, and all the vices. Yes, and I lived like that and didn’t think about it. Suddenly I saw that if you continue to live like this, you will probably perish, for beyond the grave life is either good for the good, or eternal terrible torment for the sinful. I saw that the monster was moving, that it was dangerous to sit on it. And so, when I walked away from the world and now look at it from the monastery, I see that the whole world is burning in its passions. This is the “fiery ignition” that is spoken of in the great canon of St. Andrey Kritsky. No matter how I live here, I begin to realize that blessed is the man who, having come here, will lie down here in the skete cemetery. Peter's Fast has already arrived. All the brethren prepare in the first week. Father placed in our building a student of the Academy, Hierodeacon Nikon, who had come from Kazan. He is still a young man. We will live with him, God willing, as we lived with my brother Ivan. Another officer comes to our monastery, a very young man, who is currently living on probation. God bless. I, a sinner, was honored to receive St. The Mysteries of Christ on Saturday. Father’s words come true for me: I have absolutely no free time, either on weekdays or on holidays, and sometimes you even get tired at the end of the day. But, thank God, nothing, I feel good. Occasionally you have to look into a book. I read ep. Ignatius Brianchaninova. I take great comfort in his writings. I don’t know how to thank the Lord and Father that I have such a treasure. I now read especially well from him about the Jesus Prayer. Yes, he seems to be doing particularly well. The library is mostly done, now we will paint the floor and the library is open. The officer, now brother Alexander Avaev, although still in uniform and not in a cassock, acted definitively. Save him, Lord. He helped me a little in the library and behaved very modestly and humbly. It’s amazing how a person immediately begins to humble himself when entering a monastery; There is some special grace here, an atmosphere pleasant for a humble life. I pray to the Lord to humble me, the accursed one, I have always been and now am proud... Somehow the other day Fr. Nikon asked me how my desire to go to the monastery came about, what prompted me, what was the reason? I could not and cannot answer any of these questions. The Lord brought me here. I don’t know whether I should remember things that are connected with the world. I remember that I often felt dissatisfaction and emptiness even in the games I loved. I didn’t know where to go from high school, what to choose, what branch of science, what path of life accordingly. There was nothing I liked so much that I could give myself over to what I chose. I did not think about faith in God and did not give an account, having rather a wrong concept about things of faith, for example, about monasticism. Now, thank God, everything has calmed down, and the truth is proven by my own experience, reading books and what I see and hear. Yes, here is exclusively the mercy of God, which has despised all my abomination. I will note once again that the church (I attach great importance to this) was perhaps one of the most important reasons that led me to the abode of God, so to speak, if I have the right to say so. From the age of 12–13, I did not leave her, no matter what. I stood in the church during the service, reveling in dreams (I was living a dream without having satisfaction anywhere). However, these thoughts did not bother me much. But I think: wasn’t it this isolation that attracted me to the conversation with Father, to prayer, to my current life in the monastery? It seems there was nothing else special. My life broke out of the rut of an indifferent attitude towards everything at precisely that very time; then a revolution took place, which must be considered completely negative at its beginning. Oh, if the Lord is good, stopping evil or turning it to good consequences with His humane Providence. Yesterday I repented to Father that I had not fulfilled the five hundred due to fatigue... “God will forgive,” said Father, “but you still need to reproach yourself.” This is what our great elders taught. It even brings benefits when self-reproaching. Abba Dorotheus and John Climacus say that self-reproach is an invisible ascent... – When I say the Jesus Prayer or celebrate the Pentecostal Day, I am very absent-minded, my thoughts jump from one to another, it goes everywhere, but not in the words of the prayer. “And yet the lips are illuminated by the name of the Lord Jesus Christ,” said Father. One day I met the monk of the ryasophore, Fr. George. - How are you doing? Do you miss Moscow? - Thank God, Father, I am in good spirits. – And I didn’t remember Moscow for two years, but now I remember, sometimes you even think about it. God help you. “God save you, Father,” I answered and thought: even if I live, this fate will not escape me. About two weeks ago Fr. John (Iv. Vas. Polevoy) was blessed by Father to walk a little through the forest and take me with him. I went and noticed how Fr. John, looking at the pine trees, the sky, and all of nature in general, remembered God, death, immortality, the life of saints, etc. All nature spoke to Him about God and His wondrous deeds. And I, a sinner, looking at everything that exists, am not at all transferred from the temporary visible to the infinite, invisible. I remember that the thought of infinity, the infinity of the afterlife, had a particularly strong effect on me. My childish mind was completely lost at this thought. Just the words: “There will be no end”... - filled me with trepidation and horror... Now I am beginning to be afraid of the world, although thoughts about it creep into my head. I told Father about this fear, and he said that it was saving... I remember Father’s instructions about timidity in general, which is more disastrous than saving. Father told me this when I was with Fr. John, the sexton, broke the decoration from the church chandelier: “You only need to be afraid of sin,” Father said. (I am afraid of the world, because it always gives everyone a reason, inclines them to sin, it is full of temptations that I cannot resist...) A monk should not be fearful, cowardly, but should place his hope in God... Today Fr. John (I.V. Polevoy) gave me a book for my troubles during moving the library - “The Royal Way of the Cross of the Lord.” He says the book is very good. God willing, with Father’s blessing I will read it. Somehow I can’t do anything without Father’s blessing. Now I very rarely have to talk with Father, he gets very tired. Today after mass the library was consecrated, that is, there was a prayer service with the blessing of water. I didn’t have to attend the prayer service: I prepared sweet tea for all the brethren, arranged by Fr. John (Polevev). And yesterday Fr. moved from us from the monastery to the monastery. Anatoly. He lived in a monastery for more than 30 years, and now he was transferred to a monastery. Fr. died there. Savva, who was the confessor of many of the brethren, many lay people also turned to him. And so Fr. was transferred to his place. Anatolia. On the 3rd, he said goodbye to us at a meal, humbly bowing to the ground twice. Always humble and never discouraged. I have never seen him otherwise. This is the only hieromonk whom I saw kneeling before Father. (I also saw Father Nektary once kneeling before Father, November 18, 1908.) God save him. I can’t write anymore, they came to call me for mowing... Tomorrow is the day of the Kazan Icon of the Mother of God. The vigil and mass will be in the monastery, and we will have our own meal at the monastery. Everyone goes to mowing either with a rake or with a scythe. Yesterday at the blessing Father told me: – The devil will not let you take a single step; you have to fight for every step. Do you remember how the Jews, when building the church, held a spade in one hand and a sword in the other? This is generally said about performing virtues. On the one hand, we must fulfill the Gospel commandments, and on the other, we must fight off the enemy with a sword, fighting for every step. - Father, how should I fight back, what kind of sword is this? – We have one sword – the Jesus Prayer. It is said: “Strike the invisible warriors with this sword, for there is no stronger weapon either in heaven or on earth.” If you think about these words, it becomes scary that there is no stronger weapon even in heaven. “At the name of Jesus every knee will bow, of those in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue will confess that Jesus Christ is Lord...” What terrible times will come. Yes, the Jesus Prayer is a weapon. And I, damned one, completely forget about it, but everything truly spiritual is not given as quickly, God, as I thought. Yesterday evening, Hierodeacon Nikon, who lived with us, left us. He really liked it here. “I don’t want to leave here,” he told me. God save him. In the evening at the blessing, I told Father that I had read an article about the Jesus Prayer by Bishop. Ignatius Brianchaninova. “I don’t know how I would have lived without the knowledge I gained there.” Father, bless me with time to read all his works. - Yes, according to time. Yes, he is all about the same thing, the Jesus Prayer. What is the width? Now you see it. And before, perhaps, they saw in monasticism, like most worldly people, nothing but radish, kvass and the deepest ignorance. Yes, and it’s clear: “Taste the cup of life and see that the Lord is good.” Yes, you have to taste it, and then you will see what bliss... Angels can sing. In the life of St. Spyridon of Trimifuntsky or St. Tikhon of Amafuntsky, I don’t remember, it is said that he served alone in the entire church. He makes an exclamation, and a wonderful choir answers him... The same thing happened with one priest. Then in the church, besides him, there was one Pole, who after that converted to Orthodoxy, as I told you about this, remember. On the 17th, the mowing ended... Once again I do not leave the monastery, again I am in this life-giving silence... Never in the world have I worked so hard and been so tired. And the work is useful, among nature, in the open air. Last year in the spring, when I returned from Optina to Moscow, everyone asked me: “Did I hear (or heard) that you went to the monastery? Well, how? What?" Everyone was extremely surprised that I wanted to enter a monastery. I remember one young lady, 22-24 years old, married for only 2-3 years (she lives with her husband well, although she is of middle class), when she met me, she asked similar questions. I answered in the affirmative. “You are a happy person,” she said. - Not everyone can... Goodbye. We separated. This can be said by a person who is not satisfied with his life, that is, if he considers someone else happier than himself. Why shouldn't she be satisfied with her position? And there is such dissatisfaction among many in the world: they search and do not find, because they are looking, as Father says, not where they can be found. I send my gratitude to the Lord God that I am here in our monastery... On July 29, the Rev. visited Optina. Nikon - Bishop Vologda. He also came to our monastery. I was in both churches, with Fr. Joseph and Father, and then went to the monastery, accompanied by Fr. archim. Xenophon. In the church of St. The forerunner of John the Lord spoke to all the hermits. I liked the way he spoke. He spoke about the necessity and benefit of sorrows for us. ...He also said: - It’s good for you here, holy fathers, God help you. Even in our monasteries you feel that the faith of Christ still exists, when now Satan is clearly arming himself against the Church of Christ for everyone... Worldly people try to come and talk to the monastery in order to relax, talk, receive advice, instruction on how to fight passions, and live a little in the holy monastery. Worldly confessors are offended that people don’t come to them for confession; they don’t understand the reason for this... I can’t write everything, and I won’t even remember... Tomorrow begins the Assumption Fast. As long as I live and the Lord grants His mercy, I will prepare. And at one time there were rumors in the world about the abolition of posts. People do not understand that they are fulfilling the evil will of the devil to the detriment of themselves and everyone. Lord save and have mercy. The Assumption Fast has already passed. Time waits for no one, it flies, flies... ...Ivan Vasilyevich told what happened with his grandfather: “Once we started talking about death. He fell ill with a dying disease. One day he says to his wife, my grandmother: - Annushka, I saw demons. “Yes, I said: “Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner,” and they ran away from me...” Today our mother, aunt Larya and Kolya came to us from Moscow. Today we moved for the first time to other cells. Mom and Aunt Larya left, and Kolya, with Father’s blessing, stayed in the hotel, as expected, for one month. Mom actually came to pay for us and, according to her promise, for eternal remembrance for our grandfather and grandmother. Mom was very pleased that she had cleared her conscience, and she really liked Father. Today is our patronal feast day. Although he is not the main one, he served Fr. archimandrite. Everything, thank God, is good. I come to Father in the evening for a blessing. Before he even had time to say a word, Father himself began to say: – All humanity can be divided into two parts: Pharisees and publicans. The first perish, the second are saved. Take care of this consciousness of your sinfulness. What saved the publican? Of course, this is the consciousness of one’s sinfulness: “God, be merciful to me, a sinner.” This is the prayer that has been around for almost two millennia. Notice that the publican recognizes himself as a sinner, but at the same time hopes for the mercy of God. Without hope you cannot be saved... The Lord said: “I came not to save the righteous, but sinners.” Who do we mean by the righteous here? People who are not aware of their sinfulness are still sinners. But this is also said about demons. We cannot even imagine the pride in which they stand before God. We cannot understand with what hatred they treat God. God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble. Why is it not said that God opposes the fornicators, or the envious, or anyone else, but it is said - specifically the proud? Because this is a demonic property. The proud one becomes, as it were, akin to a demon... One person says: “I read the Psalter, but I don’t understand anything.” Maybe I'd be much better off putting this book on the shelf. And the elder answers: “No, it’s not necessary.” -Why? Because I don't understand anything. “But the demons understand.” They understand what is being said about them, they cannot bear it and run away. Consequently, by reading the Psalter we drive away demons from ourselves...” Father also told about one girl who came here with her sister and mother, that she was possessed by demonic power and was damaged in her mind, although consciousness sometimes returns to her mind. For example, when she was with Father, she really asked him to save her. Father says: “I can’t save, God alone saves.” “But through you, Father,” she said. “You see,” Father told me, “he begins to reason, and in the hotel he scolds his mother with all sorts of nasty words. She made such a noise there, swearing, screaming, breaking the glass in the windows. Some demonic force moves her. Last time Father ordered my mother to fast. Mom thought about it with horror, so to speak. And now, thank God, she says it’s easy for her. Mom used to be sick for the whole day when she didn’t drink coffee with milk. Today we had our first tonsure. They tonsured three monasteries, but there were no monastic ones; the sketes only went to be tonsured. Now Kolya has left me. How I feel sorry for him. I don't even know what to do. He came and said: “Boredom has overcome me,” he cries, but doesn’t say anything to Father. I persuaded him to tell Father everything. I think that he doesn’t have the slightest idea about monasticism, and you can’t ask him this, because he’s not fit to be a monk. Today is the memory of the elder Fr. Hieroschemamonk Macarius - the day of his death. Yesterday at the vigil, instead of the usual teaching, Father said a little about the elder - he said it very well. By the way, Father blessed everyone to read the biography “unfortunately, it is very short; his life is completely immense,” or any volume of his letters to the monks. Otherwise, we completely forgot about him, that is, Fr. Macaria. - “By fasting, vigil and prayer we receive heavenly gifts.” There is no other way to get them, there is no other way, but this requires, as the foundation of everything, humility. And about. Macarius and there was deep, great humility... Today is the memory of St. martyrs Sophia, Vera, Nadezhda and Lyubov. Now Moscow is furious. The holiday is made with drinking, exclusively carnal fun. In the families I know, there are also birthday girls and, probably, as before, there is also a feast. Evening comes, guests arrive, compliment each other, drink, eat, and by nightfall they each leave for their own home. How much vanity and how much emptiness. They rarely talk about God and faith - it’s uninteresting, outdated... How many times have I thought like this: I’m sitting in the church, especially the Forerunner and Makaryevsky, - peace, silence all around, lamps glowing in front of the holy icons; the vigil had not yet begun. The brethren quietly and decorously enter, pray and silently sit down in their places awaiting the service. What a peaceful silence. It's so nice here. And there, behind the fence, there is bustle, emptiness, although everyone is running around, caring about something, everyone is busy. That's nothing yet. Or maybe somewhere there are murders, robberies, quarrels, violence, wild orgies of drunkenness, etc. What oblivion of God, the existence of the soul, the afterlife. Before, I too was in this cycle... and lived, and could live such a life. And now I don’t know how to thank the Lord - I’m here in a quiet hermitage... It’s truly amazing how the Lord tore me away from this terrible monster - the world... I see two pictures: the world with all its horrors and, in complete contrast, this quiet church in the twilight with lamps... and a calm and joyful soul. Glory to You, God... They say Father fell ill. We probably need to find out. I believe, with God’s help, to write down some of Father’s teachings. At the blessing, Father gave me little instructions, taught us to look at our lives to see what kind of structure we are in, how much we have succeeded. This consideration of yourself, this attention to yourself is necessary. And whoever does not do this under the pretext of inability and ignorance, let him know that success mainly lies in humility. We have succeeded in humility, which means we are moving forward. And let no one dare make excuses. To remain silent, to bear the insult, to forgive - this is what a humble person would do. Again at Matins, Father said that we must have love for each other and avoid idle talk. - The Prophet David said: “The Reverend is poor.” Why did you become poor? Because “the truth, the vain verb of every one, has become diminished,” because they do not talk about what is beneficial to the soul, but there is idle talk everywhere, they only talk about trifles. Father said, it seems that a time will come when they will only talk about trifles. – One monk had a vision. Several monks are standing and chatting idlely. And he sees that dirty boars are running between them and around them. They were demons. Then he saw monks speaking edifying things to the soul, and bright angels stood between them. Let us strive, brethren, not to waste our labors through obedience with idle talk, but most of all strive to acquire humility. The prophet David said: “Humble yourself and the Lord save me.” Humility alone is enough for salvation. Again it is said in one psalm: “See my humility and labor and forgive all my sins.” The prophet David said this because true humility never comes without work. Out of negligence, I forgot that Father spoke about our elders and about Fr. Lev. I only remember the following: Fr. Leo was persecuted due to the slander of ill-wishers (he is the founder of the eldership in Optina Hermitage), and even the Reverend. Nicholas, seeing him surrounded by a crowd of people, reproachfully said to him: “What are you doing?” - “I sing to my God, until I am.” The Reverend understood the full depth of this answer... Yes, Father Fr. Leo sang to God with the whole structure of his life. Now, when I was reading the psalter in church, Father came. While waiting for the sexton, Father talked to me a little. – One nun, already in her robes, had a dream. The Mother of God appeared to her and told her that she should expect horrors. This was in 1899. “And in general,” She said, “this corruptible world will not last long: the patience of My Son and Lord is running out... When I, being a layman, was behind the Sergius Lavra in the Chernigov cave monastery, I lived there for six days, prepared, confessed as soon as possible for a layman, and received communion. After receiving St. My soul was at ease. In front of me lay a psalter in Russian translation, I open it and read: “Who will lead me into a fortified (fenced) city” - “into the city of fence” in Slavic. Then I thought: this (that is, that monastery) is a fortified city. Then I looked at the interpretation and it turned out that this was true. There is no time to write down in more detail. I wanted to write it down somehow. Today is my birthday, I turned 20 years old. In the world, the majority of even religious people do not believe in the existence of demons, but here it is the truth. This is the case Father once told me. “Father Ambrose showed Fr. Venedikt (Orlov) demons in this way. He covered him with a robe, then led him to the window and said: “See?” -Yes, I see, Father, I see that there are many prisoners coming, dirty, tattered, with terrible, brutal faces. Father, where do so many of them come from? They go and go and there is no end, and who let them into the monastery alone? Probably the entire monastery was cordoned off by the Cossacks? And these prisoners all go, go, disperse to the right, to the left, behind the church. - Well, you see, oh. Venedict? - Yes, Father, what is this? - These are demons. Do you see how much there should be for each of the brethren? - Father, really? -Well, now look. Looked again about. Venedikt, and saw nothing more, everything was quiet as before. You see how many we have to fight against, but, of course, God allows the fight according to the strength of each...” The Lord helps me, unworthy, to get up for matins. I rarely woke up at Matins, by the grace of God. Once, when I repented to Father that I had slept an extra hour, or so, I don’t remember, Father said to me: - It’s the demon of despondency that is fighting you. He fights everyone. He and the Rev. fought. Seraphim of Sarov and Rev. Ephraim the Syrian, who composed the famous prayer “Lord and Master of my life.” Look what he put in first place: “The spirit of idleness” - and, as a consequence of idleness: “do not give me despondency.” This is a fierce demon. It attacks you in your sleep, and on others in reality - with despondency and melancholy. He attacks whomever he can. Surely you cannot say that you are idle? - Yes, Father, there is almost no free minute... - Well, he attacks you with sleep. It's okay, don't mourn... One evening, during a blessing and while I was confessing my weaknesses and sins for the past day, and perhaps for the previous time, Father began to talk to me about self-reproach. I noticed and understood from Father’s instructions that you need to reproach yourself for your weaknesses and humble yourself, but in every possible way drive away despondency and relaxation. No matter what happens, you don’t need to be discouraged, but you need to tell everything to the elder. “God will forgive,” says Father. - Reproach yourself. It's easy to reproach yourself, but some people don't want to. It is more difficult to bear reproach from a brother, but it is not difficult to reproach yourself. In addition, if we reproach ourselves, and do not fight passions: we will eat as much as we want, we will sleep as much as we want - then such self-reproach will not bring any benefit. If we reproach ourselves by falling into sins unwittingly, then such self-reproach is legal. In the fight against passions, even if we are overcome by them, we reproach ourselves, repent, humble ourselves and continue to fight, we constantly move forward. We have only one thing left: humility. The time of harsh exploits must have passed irrevocably... Now that I have begun to fulfill my new obedience as a clerk after my brother Kirill Zlenko, who was taken into the army, I am drinking tea at Father’s. Sometimes the conversation concerns spiritual life and monasticism, moving somewhat away from the matter. So, for example, Father spoke about monasticism: – Not all monasticism consists of a cassock and porridge. He put on his cassock, began to eat porridge and thought: I have now become a monk. No. The external alone will not bring any benefit. True, you need to wear monastic clothes and fast, but that’s not all. A lamp, until it is lit, does not justify its purpose - to shine. What is missing? - Ogonyok. Both wick and kerosene are necessary, but if there is no fire, if it is not lit, it does no good to anyone. When it is lit, light will immediately flow. It’s the same in monasticism: appearance alone does not bring any benefit; an inner fire is needed. Father Anatoly said that “monasticism is the hidden person of the heart”... Today we have a church holiday: the memory of St. John of Rylsky. The Liturgy was served by Fr. archimandrite. Wonderfully correct instruction from Fr. Ambrose: “Embarrassment is not written anywhere among the virtues, and it occurs because the reason from which embarrassment is born is false.” One day Father, showing me a letter written in a deliberately distorted and forged handwriting, said: - Here's the letter. In it they call me the most common abusive words. Especially for my interviews at the monastery. I think about this one, about that one..., but whoever it is, this is my benefactor. Maybe the Lord will forgive me some of my sins for this. It was probably written by some monastic monk. I repeatedly understood from Father’s words that he was persecuted, that not everyone loved him. And Bishop Tryphon, blessing us for monasticism, said: – You know, there is a party against Fr. Barsanuphia. If such people come to you and say something like that, then you are right at their feet: “Forgive me, we cannot condemn the elder.” Today is a holiday in Optina. After all, we have the Kazan Cathedral. And there is a holiday in my cell: Bp. Before our first departure to Optina, Tryphon blessed me with an icon of the Kazan Mother of God. When my mother agreed to our decision, she, together with us and our law teacher at the gymnasium, Fr. Peter Sakharov came to Bishop Tryphon at his invitation. Vladyka calmed her down: – Don’t worry, they won’t see anything but good things. When we entered the Vladyka’s hall, Fr. Gabriel, now hierodeacon of the Optina Hermitage, and then still a monk, tonsured by the Bishop. The Lord says: – Archangel Gabriel is always a herald, and God sent Fr. Gabriel. I have forgotten the exact words of the Vladyka, and even their meaning, but I remember that Fr. Gabriel was compared to the Archangel Gabriel, and this applied to us, the present circumstance. This is what I told Father the other day. Father said: – You already became a monk then. The Bishop, as a man of a cheerful character, may have said it jokingly, but the words of the bishop have power. When did you come here to the monastery? – December 23, left Moscow on December 22. - So, on the day of memory of Anastasia the Pattern Maker. This is understandable. You have freed yourself from the bonds of the world, thrown off these shackles from yourself. There are no random combinations of circumstances in life - everything is providential... Father said that Fr. Ambrose and Fr. Anatoly received him very joyfully. Father Ambrose met Father standing, which had never happened before; he received everyone either lying down or sitting. – He just had his mother Paraskeva (blessed, it seems). She talks about. Ambrose: – Pavel Ivanovich has arrived. “Thank God,” answered Fr. Ambrose. Perhaps he foresaw that I would be the head of the hermitage and an elder. Yesterday at the blessing I repented to Father that I slept through early mass. To this Father replied: - God will forgive. Reproach yourself. - Father, how should you reproach yourself? - How to reproach? Very simple. Your conscience will immediately speak, it will immediately denounce you, and you will only have to agree that you did something wrong and humbly turn to God with a prayer for forgiveness. - Yes, Father, at first it will become unpleasant, you will reproach yourself, you will expose yourself, and after a very short time you will forget about it, as if nothing had happened. “At least for a minute, at least for half a minute, but you definitely have to reproach yourself like that.” Our job is to reproach ourselves, at least for a very short time, and leave the rest to God... And there were St. fathers whose whole life was continuous self-reproach... But we are far from this. When we reproach ourselves, we are filled with strength, we become stronger spiritually. This is the law of spiritual life. Just as in our physical life we ​​reinforce our strength with food, so in our spiritual life our spiritual strength is strengthened by self-reproach. You just took food into your stomach, but you don’t know how food is digested into nutritious juices, your body feeds on them. It’s the same in spiritual life: we feed on self-reproach, which, according to the teaching of St. fathers, there is an invisible ascent, but why and how - we do not know. This is the law of spiritual life. When we feed on the spiritual, we become stronger and stronger spiritually. What is self-reproach? – humility. What is humility? - this is the robe of the Divine, according to the word of the Climacus... We go and touch this robe when we reproach ourselves... I have to talk with Father casually or over tea, and how it becomes understandable and clear what was an unresolved question for me. - At Father's. Ambrose was asked, Father said recently, “What is monasticism?” “Bliss,” he answered. And indeed, this is such bliss that it is impossible to imagine more. But monasticism is not as easy as some people think, but it is also not as difficult and dreary as others say. “...I speak my wretched word at Matins,” said Father, “so as not to bear an answer at the Last Judgment for silence... This is my duty...” I recently learned from Father that he wrote poems, they are in print in sheets. One of them, “The Jesus Prayer,” I really liked. I once talked about this poem with Father. “There is nothing made up here,” Father said, “it all poured out of my heart.” You probably especially liked the ending. This state - the transition to inner prayer in the heart - cannot be expressed in words as it really is... It will be understood and can only be understood by those who have experienced it themselves... The path of the Jesus Prayer is the shortest, most convenient path. But do not complain, for everyone who follows this path experiences sorrow... The poem says: “And you will see, full of amazement, the shining distance of another country...” Yes, exactly “the whole”... The whole being of a person will seem to change... Today Father said a short word of instruction. The content of the word was about the behavior of the monk in the skete, especially on holidays. Reading patristic books that teach you to understand the commandments of Christ and thereby love Christ himself... “Sit in your cell, and it will teach you everything.” – Try to always be prepared for death, for death is close to both old and young, monks and laymen alike: it often comes suddenly and unexpectedly. Let everyone think what will happen to his soul. Now at lunch and after lunch I talked with Father. (I dined at Father's.) “Everything is fine here,” someone said, I forgot who, oh. Clement (Zederholm) and Fr. “To Leonid (Kavelin), - Father began, - everything is fine, only one thing is missing - music. It would be nice, for example, to play serious pieces by Beethoven or others on the piano. What do you say? – Tell me, why do you answer so categorically? - Well, okay, I'll tell you. Only I myself and my spiritual father, Father Fr., know about this. Macarius: I received inner prayer. This music is often spoken about in the psalms: “The Lord is my strength and my song...”, “I sing to my God until I am.” This singing is unspeakable... Now I no longer have the opportunity to go out and walk around the monastery at night... Look, what an ascetic, brooding beauty this church of ours (old) is. Everything is fine here, you can't see enough of it. “I’m afraid to leave on my own,” said Father. This conversation began with Father’s question: “How many pianos do you have at home in Moscow?” Then I remembered my friend from the gymnasium. He was not a highly moral person: indecent conversations, jokes, poor mental abilities, his entire appearance, his apparent attitude towards religion, his closest comrades, the reviews of my comrades about him - all this confirmed the bad opinion of his morality. One day he brought a violin to class. It should be noted: he played the violin beautifully, he was a musician by nature. So, one day, due to the absence of a teacher, we had some free time, and this friend of mine, at the request of the whole class, began to play. He played by heart, without notes. As soon as the sounds were heard, he completely changed: his usual frivolity was no longer noticeable, he became more serious. Many people noticed this. This is what I told Father, and this is where our whole conversation went: “You see,” said Father, “how music can detach you from the earth: your comrade felt this, even if he had changed outwardly.” No one can understand these feelings of his unless he has experienced them himself. And if music so detaches one from the earth, then even more so does prayer... Now at mass, Father said a short word, reminding us of the meaning and significance of our monastic calling. St. John Climacus says: “Angels are the light of monks, monks are the light of the world.” Remember that we should be the light of the world... Remember how merciful the Lord is, who called us to this holy monastery. Judge for yourself what kind of deeds we did, how we lived before our calling here, to this holy monastery. I remember reading from Bishop. Ignatius Brianchaninov words by Rev. Isaac the Syrian: “What is purity? Purity is a heart filled with mercy for every creature. What is a merciful heart? This is the burning of the heart for every creature: about people, about birds, about animals, about demons - in a word, about every creature” and further. I involuntarily stopped at the words “about demons” and asked Father about this: how can one feel mercy towards demons when they seek our destruction, when the psalms say: “I have hated with complete hatred...” – Please note, this is not the bishop himself. Ignatius says,” answered Father, “but he only quotes the words of the venerable. Isaac of Syria. This is the only saint who prayed for demons. But how did you pray? You can pray that the Lord will reduce their torment, weaken them through His ineffable mercy. But what this great saint can do, we cannot. All birds fly high, but the eagle is the highest, like the eagle and the saint. Isaac floats between the saints. It is dangerous for us to pray for demons. I know one community leader. She prayed for demons. I warned her. She didn't listen and continued. Soon demons began to appear to her and thank her for her prayers for them. The consequence of all this was that she fell into same-sex sin with one sister of her community and began to practice spiritualism with the same sister. Of course, they both left the community. Look how bad she ended... Now I read from Bishop. Ignatius Brianchaninov about the end of the world. When I read his works, I am amazed at his truly angelic mind, his marvelously deep understanding of St. Scriptures. His writings somehow especially appeal to my heart, my understanding, enlightening it with the truly Gospel light: “The soul is Christian by nature (Tertullian’s words), it feels the truth.” Those places of St. Scriptures that I either did not understand at all, or were understood incorrectly, about the meaning and relationship of which to life I had a very vague idea, are now becoming very understandable and clear to me. Of course, not all, for some require an experienced concept and spiritual intelligence. Besides, I again cannot understand the entire meaning of any text. For Rev. Damascene says that the meaning of St. The Scriptures are revealed to different people to varying degrees, moreover, one thing is revealed to one in a given text, another – another, a third – a third, for the depth and meaning of Holy Scripture is fully known only by God alone, Who reveals it to His chosen ones as needed. By this very Rev. Peter explains the apparent differences in the writings of St. fathers, for they are, indeed, only apparent, since all St. the fathers strove for one goal and achieved it. Those who do not read spiritual books often remain in complete ignorance of spiritual objects and phenomena - and what a woeful ignorance this is. And this ignorance, one might say, reigns in the world. There may be exceptions, but usually this ignorance, like some terrible poison, is spread everywhere. I was born and raised in a good dean family, but I did not have the slightest idea about spiritual literature, even about its existence. When we were about to go to Optina for the first time, Fr. came to our apartment. Gabriel. In a conversation over tea, he said that the first thing we would do was to read “Abba Dorotheus.” "Abba Dorotheus"? - I thought, hearing this name for the first time, and it seemed to me that this was some kind of rubbish that could only be thrown into the stove. And sad as it may be, it’s true. All my knowledge was acquired in the monastery, all the formation of my beliefs and concepts into something specific took place here, in the monastery. Here, in the monastery, I gained more than in my entire life in the world, more than in the gymnasium and university. I won’t be mistaken, perhaps, if I say that I received almost nothing there, although I lived in the world for 19 years from birth, and I haven’t lived in the monastery for even a year. It's good here. Of course, people are people everywhere, therefore, both in the monastery and in our monastery, it is not angels who live, but people, each with their own vices and shortcomings. But I don't care about that. It is very convenient to notice the sins of others in the world, but to recognize and see your own sins is a monastic matter. And all the amenities are here. And Father says that our monastery is the only one of its kind in all of Russia, and we hear the same from others. Once, when I was helping the sexton in the Forerunner Church, Fr. Kuksha. I don’t remember what we talked about, but I remember only one phrase: “When you remember the old things, you’ll even cry,” said Fr. Kuksha. This shows how good it was before. But for me the old is the world, and the present is the monastery, and I thank God. On the 13th, Father did not go to the vigil and did not let me in, and during the vigil we read notes from the Shamorda nuns about Fr. Anatolia. O. Sergius Chetverikov is working on compiling a biography of Fr. Anatolia. The material was collected and sent by Father. By the way, Chetverikov was also sent handwritten notebooks by Fr. Anatoly "Mystical Theology". These are his conversations with some, it seems, professor. O. Chetverikov promised to finish his biography by Easter. “I don’t know whether I’ll live to see Easter,” Father told me. – Today, for the first time in my life, I felt short of breath while eating. In general, lately Father has spoken more than once about death. Once again Father said that he began to become very, very weak in the evening. “Sometimes I can barely sit...” he said. More than once Father also said: “What should I go there with?” Just now I spoke with Ivanushka, and this conversation made me remember many forgotten things, to which not the slightest attention was paid at one time. My first confessor was Archpriest Fr. Sergius Lyapidevsky, who has already died, the second is his son Fr. Simeon Sergeevich. Despite the religiosity of my mother, grandmother, grandfather, and father, they rarely sent us to church, especially in winter, for fear of catching a cold. But the child cannot go on his own. We were pampered and caressed, but we weren’t allowed to take liberties; we didn’t dare leave without permission. One day during confession, it seems, Fr. Simeon told me that it is necessary to go to church on holidays. "It's a duty to God." I thought about it and agreed. From then on, I began to go to church often, even on weekdays when I was free. And it became a habit. I also went to evening interviews on Sundays. True, I went more out of “interest,” but sometimes there was something like tenderness. I remember once during an interview, standing on the choir, listening to a sermon, I finally concluded: “I don’t know how I would have spent my time at home, but here I heard something useful for my soul.” Having once heard about the sin of superstition, I applied what I heard to life and rejected everything superstitious, for example, omens. Having once heard about the sin of looking at girls and wives with lust, I was even saddened: it gave me pleasure. What should I do? It is a sin to watch, but not to watch is to deprive yourself of pleasure. And I decided that I could watch, but without lust. With such a deal with my conscience, I seemed to calm down: the carnal side took over. A new temptation presented itself: they offered me to learn to dance, but the dances were scheduled just during Vespers. Where to lean? I remember there was the 6th voice on “Lord I cried” - my most favorite dogmatist at that time: “Who will not please You”... I wanted to go there and there. I struggled for a long time, I was indecisive for a long time, and... (oh shame, shame!) I trampled on my conscience and went to dance. I'm ashamed to remember. Like the enemy tries to remove you from church, even if you go, but with indifference. No one believed that I would enter the monastery, and I myself consider it a miracle and the grace of God. “You did well that you didn’t get married, you left the world,” Father said more than once, and once he added: “You don’t know how difficult the life of a woman’s soul is.” I am beginning to understand more and more how lucky it is that I am in the monastery. Father once said that one saint had a vision of how the brethren were eating food: whoever eats and complains eats food like dung. He who does not complain, but does not give thanks, for him food is neither this nor that. But whoever eats and gives thanks tastes food like honey. The same applies to monastic life. It is only good for him to live in a monastery who thanks God for His mercy, for placing him in a monastery and tearing him away from the world. And whoever grumbles about his life, it is very difficult for him to live in a monastery... Father blessed me to read the lives of the saints all the time, but when I read all 12 books, then start again from the beginning. He gave his blessing to read the Ladder, then Rev. Theodore the Studite, Barsanuphius and John the Venerable. “Notice the events of your life,” Father told me, “everything has a deep meaning.” Now they are incomprehensible to you, but later much will be revealed. When Fr. Anatoly did not yet have holy orders; someone approached him for a blessing. When we read about this in the notes, Father told himself that people approached him for a blessing when he did not yet have the priesthood. Yesterday, when I wrote to Father, he, reading a letter from some girl who had been with him, told me the following about her: “This girl plays beautifully, she loves classical music. – Who do you like to play the most? “Beethoven, Haydn,” she answered. - And there is even better music. - Which one? Mozart? – she asked. “What kind, I don’t know,” she said. - Souls? Music of the soul, is there such a thing? – she asked. – I’m hearing it for the first time. What kind of music is this? - This is peace of mind. The same peace that is spoken of in the Gospel: “Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me that you are meek and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls, for My yoke is easy and My burden is light.” This is the same peace. Have you studied mathematics? Do you know what an equal sign is? Well: peace of the soul - bliss - music, harmony of all spiritual forces. “So, what kind of music...” That's how I liked her. One such person will come, and you will forget everything: both heaviness and sorrow. With others you have to keep saying “The Tale of the White Bull.” Do you know this fairy tale? (I answered in the affirmative.) Well, such a soul will immediately remove everything... Do you understand me? “The reason I love you is that you understand me.” There are others who understand me. Yesterday I didn’t study with Father. He came, drank tea and went to his cell and began to look through the materials to compile a description of the monastery. Now this task is completely new for me and therefore difficult, but I began it out of obedience, as a result of which I hope to fulfill it, if God wills it. Father said the same thing to me last night: “But the Lord can make you wise,” he added. When my mother was in Optina, she asked Father: – Will they (that is, Ivanushka and I) stay in the monastery all the time? Mom was worried, thinking that monastery life would be beyond our strength, that we might soon get bored with it. To this Father answered my mother: - They will remain if they do not forget God. Father himself told me about this. The main patronal holiday in the monastery. I went to vigils and liturgy. I don't like going to the monastery. Somehow I don’t like the service itself, the musical singing, I don’t like the meal... You come to the monastery, and you think about how to get back to the monastery as quickly as possible. Once, Father and I began to talk about musical notation in churches. I personally did not like him and do not like him, as he distracts the thoughts and attention of the person praying, as a result of which he cannot contribute to prayer. At least I have to say this about myself... Father has the same opinion. The singer binds his hands and feet with notes. There is no free creativity, no feeling. ...I came to Father, said what was necessary, and Father himself began to say the following: – The whole world is, as it were, under the influence of some force that takes possession of the mind, will, and all the spiritual forces of a person. One lady told me that she had a son. He was religious, chaste, and generally a good boy. He made friends with bad friends and became an unbeliever and depraved, as if someone had taken possession of him and was forcing him to do all this. It is obvious that this extraneous force is an evil force. Its source is the devil, and people are only tools, a means. This is the Antichrist coming into the world, these are his forerunners. The apostle says about this: “The spirit of delusion, the spirit of flattery follows upon them... Without receiving the truth from love...” The person remains, as it were, defenseless. He is so possessed by this evil force that he does not realize what he is doing. Even suicide is suggested and committed. Why is this happening? Because they do not take up arms: they do not have the name of Jesus and the sign of the cross with them. No one will agree to say the Jesus Prayer and the sign of the cross: these are such antiquities that have completely outlived their time. -Keep the Jesus Prayer with you at all times: “Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner,” and open your thoughts... The Name of Jesus destroys all the devil’s attacks; they cannot resist the power of Christ. All the wiles of the devil crumble into dust. Why this is so and how it happens - we don’t know. We only know that this is really so. All the holy fathers say that night is especially conducive to prayer. The powers of the soul are somehow not having fun... In general, it’s good to pray at night... Now at the blessing I spoke about the vainglorious thoughts that bother me especially during my cell rule. I try to read, if possible, slowly and delving into the meaning of what I read. Often the thought comes to me as if I am reading, and one of my relatives or friends is listening to me and even sees me, although I don’t see them... And it seems to me that those listening are satisfied with my reading. This is what I told Father. - Yes, this is vanity that needs to be fought. Don't take this into consideration... Don't pay attention. And if you see that you are beginning to read better and with greater feeling, then turn to God with thanksgiving and self-reproach. Then this demon will have nothing to use from you, and he will leave, but not completely, he will not leave you and next time he will come again. Yes, the monk is constantly fighting in his thoughts. Rev. John Climacus considers vanity not a separate passion, but adds it to pride. Vanity, intensified, turns into pride. Vanity causes the voiceless to sing, the lazy to become zealous, the sleepy to become cheerful, etc. Rev. John Cassian, noticing this, is surprised at the cunning, cunning, and malice of this demon. And how all the saints avoided vanity, how carefully they treated it... Father o. Ambrose often appeared in a sensual form and in reality, giving advice, eliminating dangers. And this happened during his lifetime. They asked him: how does he appear to many people in reality without leaving the room? It’s understandable if it was in a dream, but in reality? “It’s not me, it’s my angel,” Father Fr. answered such questions. Ambrose. Today is the day of remembrance of St. Philaret the Merciful. On the occasion of Angel Day, Metropolitan. Philaret of Kyiv and Metropolitan. Philaret of Moscow had a full polyeleos service and requiem. I read for 24 hours. Metropolitan Philaret of Kiev laid the foundation of our monastery, and therefore the monasteries are obliged to pray for him. Father told Ivanushka that the decline and desolation of monasteries begins with the oblivion of their founders and ascetics. Today Father sends Ivanushka to the hospital. He felt some kind of weakness. Didn't tell me anything. Of course, I am older than Ivanushka and must take care of him. Brother Nikita (cell attendant Father Barsanuphius) just told me that Ivanushka was suffering from despondency, but he didn’t tell me anything about it, maybe I could have consoled him with something, although I wouldn’t have understood him. And Father also told me now that, like a plague, like some kind of mental illness, despondency and melancholy attack everyone. Life becomes not nice, you don’t want to do anything. Father gave the example of some young lady who was with him. “He sits in the corner all day with nothing to do. And the beauty is rich, she recently graduated from high school with a gold medal. God save her and have mercy.” Father crossed himself. This must have been a very difficult condition, but by the grace of God I did not experience it. How I need to thank the Lord for His great mercies to my damnation. Ivanushka, it turns out, ate something he shouldn’t have, but thank God, everything turned out well, although his stomach is not quite normal yet. “It was Filaret the Merciful who saved him,” said Father. Father blessed me to read “The Ladder.” Indeed, this is a wonderful, deep book: a wonderful proof of the fruitfulness of obedience, for it was written for obedience. So, I recently read the following words in it: “Do not avoid the hands of the one who led you to the Lord, for throughout your entire life you should not have such respectful reverence for anyone” (page 4, section 72) and I thought: who led me to the Lord? Who fed me spiritually (if I can say so), who opened my eyes to life, who showed me monasticism, of course, to the extent that my sleeping, if not dead, soul can understand all this, who am I holding on to? This is Father, I feel love for Father, if I can love, and affection more than for anyone else. I owe it to him that I am not in the world; I owe it to him more than to anyone (I leave my carnal parents aside). But, besides Father, I owe a lot, and I will re-read them. First of all, we told Fr. about our intention to enter the monastery. Pyotr Sakharov, our law teacher at the gymnasium. He did not dare to say anything definite and led us to the bishop. Tryphon, his friend at the Academy. And ep. Tryphon directed us to Father in the monastery. This was before Lent, on the week of the Prodigal Son. We all just came from Vespers, after which Vladyka spoke a word on the topic of the prodigal son and read the akathist to St. much Tryphon. I, Ivanushka, mother, oh. Pyotr Sakharov and the unexpectedly arrived Fr. Gabriel (now the housekeeper of the Bishop of Kaluga) sat in Vladyka’s office. The Bishop responded to my mother’s concern about us: – Don’t worry, they will only see good things there, and they will stay with them for the rest of their lives. Let them go... I forgot to mention that Fr. Peter brought us to the Vladyka, who said: -I’ll send you to Optina, and maybe I’ll create family discord? We answered that we had a blessing from our mother. But oh. Peter was probably afraid of what Vlydyka was asking about and reported this to Fr. Simeon Lyapidovsky, and both of them came to visit their mother on the same day and, of course, were reassured. Then another about. Seraphim from the Chudov Monastery is also the one who led us to the Lord, for we confessed to him for the first time, not just making a formality, but desiring a conscious confession. Father’s first confession was also similar, when I was still a layman; it was no less sincere. So oh. Seraphim, as it were, reconciled us with God for the first time, laid the foundation. Then another about. Abbot Jonah (of the Epiphany Monastery) in Moscow was indicated to us by the Bishop as able to replace Father for us when we lived in the world after Optina for eight months. During my stay in Moscow, I enjoyed the great love of Fr. Jonah and often left him at night. The monastery was already locked, and the keys were brought to him, and he himself saw me off. He really insisted that we leave the world as soon as possible. So, all those persons who, in one way or another, more or less contributed to our placement in the monastery: 1) Fr. Seraphim, 2) Fr. Pyotr Sakharov, 3) Fr. Simeon Lyapidovsky (December 9, 1907, Fr. Simeon told us the following words: “If you endure Lent in the Optina Hermitage, then this will be a sign that you need to be in Optina.” This is what he said when we were getting ready to go to Optina for the first time.), 4) His Eminence Tryphon, 5) Fr. Gabriel, 6) Fr. John from Unexpected Joy in the Kremlin, 7) Abbot Fr. Jonah and 8) Father, who accepted us into his loving embrace. Bishop Tryphon, pointing to Father, said: – Let Fr. be your permanent leader. Barsanuphius. All the mentioned fathers and the Lord, as it were, led us to Father and handed us over to him, thereby providing us with a quiet refuge. Today is the memory of St. Great Martyr Barbara. I don’t know why, but somehow I especially honor the memory of this saint. And I began to have this special respect for the Great Martyr Varvara recently: after I visited Optina for the first time and returned to Moscow. I began to go to St. Church quite often. Vmch. Varvara (on Varvarka Street) venerate her relics. I remember that my grandfather revered her very much. Today is the day of my angel, and the Lord has vouchsafed me His great mercy: the acceptance of St. Christ's Mysteries together with all the brethren. Father also served. And before the prayers of thanksgiving after mass, he said a short word. Here it is in brief: – We have been honored with the great mercy of God. You heard the deacon just now saying: “Forgive us, having received the Divine Saints, the Immortal Most Pure Heavenly Life-Giving Terrible Mysteries of Christ, we worthily thank the Lord.” A truly terrible and indescribable Sacrament has now taken place. The Lord loved us, we will show Him love too. The Lord Jesus Christ Himself pointed out to us those who love the Lord, saying: “If you love Me, you will keep My commandments.” This means that loving the Lord and keeping His commandments are one thing. Fathers and brothers, try to have love and holiness among each other. This day, which the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad on it... The days are approaching in which we will truly rejoice and rejoice appropriately. Namely: December 7, 8 and 9: on these days we were received into the monastery. I note that while Ivanushka, one might say, suffered in the world and was burdened by his position, I was calm... I stood, as I now understand, at the point of indifference to which grace places every person after it has shown him the sweetness of another spiritual life - this is what the bishop taught. Feofan. But then I didn’t understand it. I remember: Ivanushka and I were together at Father’s. Ivanushka expressed his firm desire, and I said the following words to Father: “Father, I see that I have no virtues, no firm decision, I don’t know what to do. Therefore, I think I will do everything for obedience, whatever you bless, I will not go against your will and blessing.” So, oh. the archimandrite gave his consent. The 9th was Sunday, we were at mass in the monastery... So, everything was finally decided... For Ivanushka this was a good fulfillment of his desires and hopes, but for me it was almost unexpected. I myself am surprised how I could so easily and calmly decide on such a great undertaking. Only the other day, when I was having a conversation with Ivanushka, I looked at the calendar and saw that on December 9 the icon of the Mother of God “Unexpected Joy” is celebrated. When I saw it, I thought: “Yes, truly there was an unexpected joy for me then, although I was almost, or even completely unaware of it at the time.” Taking all this into account, I begin to realize that only the mercy of God could tear me away from the world. Father told me about this too. And when my mother was here with Father, he asked her: “Did you have anyone pious in your family, or perhaps any good deeds?” Mom replied that grandfather was very pious. “Well, that means he’s working there for them,” Father said, as my mother told me about their conversation. I'll say a few words about my grandfather. I don’t remember him well, I was about 13 years old when he died a peaceful Christian death. At about 12 noon he received the Holy Mysteries of Christ, and in the evening he departed from this world. As a child, my grandfather was very poor and served as an errand boy in a shop. At the end of his life he had three rich iron shops. Grandfather always loved to attend the Church of God and sometimes sang in the choir. There is in Moscow, although not particularly rich, but a well-appointed church in honor of St. Equal-to-the-Apostles Constantine and Helena and the icon of the Mother of God “Unexpected Joy”. It is located under the mountain in the Kremlin. During Napoleon's invasion this church was destroyed. I don’t know if anyone paid attention to it before my grandfather, but only my grandfather fell in love with it, renovated it, and served as its headman for 33 years until his death. In this church, the icon of “Unexpected Joy” is considered miraculous. The rector of this church, when we left here, blessed us with small icons of “Unexpected Joy”. This is where I see some connection with Father’s words that “grandfather is taking care of us,” for we were received on the day of the celebration of the icon of the Mother of God of “Unexpected Joy,” and I – precisely by accident. And that that day was a day of “joy” for me, I am only beginning to realize now, for only now are my inner eyes beginning to open and see everything in a different light, for only now are my convictions and views on life beginning to take shape firmly and definitely, because here I received a new, definite worldview... I am aware of what I have received here and value it, and sometimes I am even afraid of losing what I have acquired, for I do not rely on myself, but every person receptive to evil. Only now am I beginning to see how grace preserves me, as it has preserved me until now. Bishop Theophan and other saints. the fathers teach that when grace touches a person, zeal for pleasing God appears in him. If he doesn't suppress it, things will happen. And he will do these things easily, because it is not he, but grace, who will do them for him. Now I see that I was under a special influence of grace in the world before arriving in Optina for the first time, and during our entire first stay in Optina... Finally, upon entering the monastery, God’s grace again had a noticeable effect. Perhaps grace helped me more in the world, but its effect was only protective, so that I would not get completely bogged down. There seemed to be no external, visible manifestations. And now the Lord protects me, but begins to take away grace from me in order to test the strength and firmness of my will. Now I understand something, I have gained a little clarity, which I owe to Father and to reading the books of the patristic books with Father’s blessing. I realized that monasticism is a continuous struggle, an incessant mortification of the flesh, and, remembering this, I must prepare for struggle and sorrow. Bishop Ignatius said that an ascetic, according to God’s will, an ascetic of Christ, spends a significant part of his life in sorrow, often very difficult. So I need to be patient. Recently Father told me about Father Fr. Ambrose (Fr. Anatoly is a witness to this; he was a cell attendant at Father Ambrose). O. Anatoly and Fr. Isaiah was once read to Father Fr. Ambrose prays alternately: first one, then the other. When I started reading about. Isaiah, then Fr. Anatoly sees that Fr. Ambrose is kneeling in the air, not on the bed. He was surprised and perhaps frightened. When the rule ended, he asked Fr. Isaiah: “Did you see it?” “I saw it,” he answered. So it really happened. Here is Father Fr. Anatoly (deceased) was also seen praying in the air. Saw this about. Timon. The old man saw and was frightened... (Father smiled.) From this I conclude that these elders were great precisely because of their internal work, which is immeasurably higher than external exploits, which can even replace bodily weakness, since their goal is “to keep the damned flesh in order,” according to the saying of the Venerable. Peter of Damascus. Father told me more than once that various slander and lies are spread about him, sometimes very funny and stupid. For example, in Shamordin they say about Father that he “describes” all kinds of potatoes, i.e. that he is very stingy and greedy. But this is not so, quite the opposite. Now I have the opportunity to see his life more fully thanks to the fact that I spend the whole morning with Father... Father himself is content with the monastery meal, finds it tastier than anything he has eaten in the world, and he, in his words, had “all the good things” in his hands. Father's cell life is characterized by simplicity. He is also simple in dealing with the brethren. – During the first monasticism, there was simplicity in Abba’s treatment of his disciples. Abba was a father, not a master or boss who could not be approached. The same simplicity existed under our elders in our monastery. Then after Fr. Ambrose and Fr. Anatoly, this simplicity began to disappear. Now they even tell me that I treat things too simply. But somehow I can’t do it any other way. If some people abuse my simplicity, then it is not my fault. Because of some people, I cannot develop a cold official relationship with everyone. However, I began with the fact that slander is being spread about Father. So, one day Father, having just heard new slander about himself, said to me: - Anything is possible. Perhaps you will later become a confessor. There, I tell you: beware of the female sex, you need to be extremely careful with them... They will gossip, they will gossip... and there is no point... This is what he said another time: – You need to be careful with them, that is, with novices and nuns. They complain to me about Fr. Joseph, and Fr. Joseph - on me. One day my cell attendant, Fr. Joseph and says: “You, Father, please don’t believe them, they all lie. They also wander around their cells in their monastery and engage in gossip... And this happens all the time.” But at the same time, I must make a reservation that such vacillation continues until she has yet embarked on the monastic path. As soon as she embarked on the monastic path, received the monastic dispensation, all this ends, and she will go straight on the rails. There are nuns of a very high order... Father gave his blessing to remember, that is, to write down in his remembrance for each of us unglorified ascetics known for their lives. “This is a great thing. They do not need our prayers as much as we need their prayers. And if we pray for them, then they immediately repay us in kind.” Father said that one must know by heart the troparion “The Diligent Intercessor” (Kazan Mother of God) and read it daily. Then read Psalm 90, “Alive in the help of the Most High,” also daily, and read the prayer “Rejoice to the Virgin Mary” in the morning and evening 12 times. This prayer also has great power: it must be read every hour, not just once, but Fr. Ambrose said that “read for the daytime 12 hours - in the morning, and for the evening - in the evening. So tell my brother Ivan...” A woman cannot live without faith. Either she, after temporary disbelief, again returns to faith in God, or she begins to quickly decompose. A man is another matter: he can live without faith. He will completely petrify, become a pillar of salt, and he lives like that, petrified. But a woman can’t do that. – Do you know what day December 17th is for me? – On this day I left Kazan in 1891, never to return to it again. Today is the memory of three youths who emerged from the oven unharmed. And the Lord vouchsafed me to leave the world, which is also a furnace of passions, on this very day. The youths were thrown into the oven because they did not want to worship idols, so the Lord brought them out of the oven unharmed. Also, we, the monks, and I, and you, left the world, of course, because we did not want to bow to idols. And idols are placed everywhere there: the idol of fornication, the idol of pride, gluttony, etc. Let us pray to the Lord that He will vouchsafe us His Heavenly Kingdom. And there is beauty, which truly “the eye cannot see, and the ear cannot hear... and cannot enter the heart of man”... One day, Father and His Eminence Kirill, amazed by the wonderful view on a moonlit night in Kazan, involuntarily began talking about the eternal, imperishable beauty in the Kingdom of Heaven. - “And how is it there? And how is it there, Pavel Ivanovich?” - said the Reverend. Kirill. And now, of course, he enjoys something that we cannot even imagine. Blessed soul... I loved talking with him. Yes, talking to you still brings me comfort... Father told me more than once that “blessed souls” come to him. And in general, during conversations, I used this expression more than once. And yesterday Father explained to me why he calls them blessed. “I call them blessed,” said Father, “because they have a great consciousness of their weakness, sinfulness, and with this consciousness - firm faith in God... He also recently said the following: – There was a rich man, but he suddenly became poor. It's hard, but it can be fixed. Was healthy, became sick. And this can be corrected, for Christ is with both the poor and the sick. And losing faith is a great misfortune. It is so terrible that a person has no support... I have never experienced material need. On the contrary, from the swaddling clothes until the death of my grandfather, that is, until the age of 13, I lived almost in luxury. In addition, he was the favorite of his grandmother, and it seems, also of his grandfather. In a word, I had a good life. I remember when we had a Christmas tree: children's fun, sweets, sparkling decorations - all this made me happy. But I remember one evening well. I'm alone near the Christmas tree. The room is twilight: the lamp is on, and the shadow of the Christmas tree falls on most of the room. And this is the thought in my head: I’m fed, dressed, my parents consoled me with a beautiful Christmas tree, I’m eating sweets, the room is warm... But there are, I know, children who don’t even have what they need. There is no question of a Christmas tree: they are half-naked, begging in the cold or, hungry, sitting in cold basements... I also remember once on Christmas Eve I seemed sad and bored. It’s difficult to express that state in words - I didn’t want to do anything, I walked from one corner of the room to another..., some kind of dissatisfaction, but completely unaccountable. Now I think that my soul thirsted for spiritual consolation, for I was not in church that day. Yes, a child’s soul is sensitive; although unconsciously, it loves God. And blessed are those children whose parents teach them to pray, talk to them about God, and read spiritual books. I belonged to such blessed children... I see that everything was favorable to me spiritually, so I will respond cruelly and cry if I do not bear the due fruit, for “to him much has been given, much will be required,” and “He who knows the will of the Lord and does not do it, will be beaten much...” Today is exactly one year since we arrived in Optina to live permanently in the skete, and we arrived at the skete on December 24th. On the 20th, the great lamp of the Russian land, Archpriest Fr. John of Kronstadt. Died on the day of remembrance of St. Ignatius the God-Bearer. The news of this reached our monastery only on December 21st. As soon as they found out, Father immediately came to church (for vespers on Sunday), and a requiem mass was served. After the funeral service, Father said a short word about Fr. John. “He was a burning and shining lamp: he had the gift of high inner prayer. His activity was so great that one wonders how his weak body could endure it. And I remember the words of the apostle: “The power of God is made perfect in weakness.” It has been noticed that people of high spiritual life usually depart from this life on the day of remembrance of such a saint, who at one time labored in a similar, related feat or had the same gift as him. So is Fr. John died on the feast day of St. Ignatius the God-Bearer, who was the founder of the Jesus inner prayer... Let us pray with our strength for the repose of his soul... Father gave me a text from the Gospel: – The Apostle Philip believed in the Lord and announced the good news about Christ to Nathanael, but he did not believe. And when the Lord said to him: “Philip did not even tell you before, but he who was under the fig tree saw you...”, and he believed. The Lord, seeing his faith, said to him: “I said to you, because I saw you under the fig tree, you believed: you will see more of these...” This is the beginning of the purification of the mind, when a person begins to see what he had not noticed before, what others do not notice, what he did not even imagine. The Lord gradually removes the veil from the inner eyes. Here is George the recluse, although he was in the deepest seclusion, he had correspondence, and this is what he once wrote: “I used to read secular books, but now I decided not to read; there are beautiful words, beautiful thoughts... and nothing more. And the Holy Scriptures are all wrapped in secrets... There is depth, there is inexhaustible meaning. It is impossible to understand everything. Just as you can remove one scale from an onion, then another, a third, etc. - this is the same in St. Scripture: a person has understood one meaning, behind this meaning there is another, deeper one, behind the second there is a third, etc. This is how the Lord enlightens the minds of His ascetics... Today is a great and blessed day for me: we began our life in the monastery among the brethren on this holy day, Christmas Eve. Yes, God’s mercy towards me, unworthy, is great and inexpressible. My entry into the monastery is a great miracle of God’s mercy. So, today is exactly one year since we have been at the monastery. Glory to our God. Now I learned from a conversation with the brethren that there was a fire at the brick factory in the monastery during mass, and that Fr. Iliodor is a dean. He served mass somewhere in the village, and even after mass, that is, at two o’clock, was at Father’s blessing. This means he died just a few hours ago and, as they say, from a broken heart. Once Father told me that in the Bible, in addition to the external side, there is also an internal side, that is, that in addition to the bare facts, there is a deep transformative meaning of these same facts. This meaning is revealed as a person’s mind is purified. So, for example, “The Crossing of the Jews through the Red Sea” prefigured New Testament baptism, without which no one can enter the Kingdom of Heaven. This fact - the passage through the Red Sea - really happened... So all this happened and constitutes the external side of the facts. And the internal meaning is this: the first movement of Moses’ rod drew a straight line in a vertical position, and the second – a straight line in a horizontal position, striking the rod to the side, commanding with such a movement the waters to close... Both lines together make up a cross. Did Moses, who carried out exactly God’s commands, understand this? One must assume that he understood. The whole combination of these events, as I have already said, prefigured the sacrament of baptism. During baptism, a person is immersed in water and leaves all his sinfulness in the font, which was typified by the Red Sea: from there he emerges completely clean and holy. Thus, Pharaoh with an army means sin that rapes a person, the power of the devil, for before baptism, that is, before the redemption of man by Christ, everyone was under the power of the devil, regardless of the righteousness of their lives. Through baptism a person is freed from all this, just as the Israelites got rid of Pharaoh, emerging from the sea safe from persecution... Father has a hard time studying under fire. -Look how late it is getting light... Besides, the most days are gloomy, the sky is overcast. Over the entire winter, only two or three days were clear. There is no sunshine. One involuntarily recalls the famous sermon of Fr. John of Kronstadt: “Look,” he said, tapping his finger on the lectern, “look, isn’t the third part of the sun already darkened, as they say in the Apocalypse... Yes, I remember, although my life is not great, clear, bright days. I remember that on Easter, on the Holy Day, there was usually wonderful, clear weather... January. January 3. Thursday. ...Once, when I was talking with Father, he, by the way, explained to me one text from the Gospel of Luke (11, 23-26): “... and passes through waterless places, seeking peace, and does not find it.” What is meant here by “waterless places”? The souls of people who are weak, vicious, and have no virtues. The devil is not interested in tempting and leading to sin such a person for whom it is common to sin not only in thought and word, but in action. He leads such a person into sin without any struggle, as he usually acts in the world. Finally, he decides to return to the person from whom he came, and comes... When he came out of this person, the person felt the diminishment of the struggle with passions; they seemed to have stopped bothering him. And he gave in to absent-mindedness, stopped paying close attention to himself, and fell into carelessness. It is in this state that the returning devil finds him. Seeing him not ready to fight with himself, taking advantage of his carelessness, the devil goes and takes with him seven more spirits, more evil than himself, and “they come in and live here, and the last pot of the first becomes for that man.” Therefore, you must always pay attention to yourself... I don’t remember well, but it was as if Father said that such a person, after quelling his sorrows, gave place to pride in himself, and this contributed to the fact that he finally came to such a disastrous situation... Recently the monastic hierodeacon, Fr. Varsis. After confession, he says to Father: - Bless me, Father, I will come to you... - Yes, you walk like that too, don’t you? - No, Father, go for the revelation of thoughts. I didn't open them to anyone. And now sometimes I ask my elders something, and they laugh. So I decided to ask for your blessing to come to you for the revelation of my thoughts... Telling this to me, Father said: “He tells me about the monastery, but I think: what can I say about the monastery, because in our monastery it’s the same thing... Father told me this and explained the weakening of monasticism by the weakening and depravity of life in the world, for it is natural that a weak world produces weak monks. Take me, for example. What kind of monk am I, what kind of novice am I? He doesn't even look like a monk. My life is not great, but since I lived from birth all the time in the world, and, moreover, in the city, it, that is, the world, left its mark on me. “...In Holy Scripture, for example, in the Apocalypse and even in the Old Testament, the word “islands” is found. For example: “And the islands will trust in God.” How can the islands have hope? The word “islands” refers to monasteries. What the whole text means is that by the coming of the Antichrist, will faith still be preserved in the monastery..." And sometimes the following seems to me: I am calm. I know that there is a blizzard and frost now, but it’s still warm in the cell. The walls do not allow the cold to pass through, you can only hear the wind howling in the chimney. And some involuntary feeling of joy appears that I am not in the cold, but in a warm cell. I felt a similar feeling in the world... From this external feeling I turn to the spiritual, internal one and think: the whole monastery with its poor wooden fence is a warm, cozy common cell, where we all warm ourselves and rejoice that we are not in the world, for there is frost there, whirlwinds of false harmful teachings blow there, taking away everything good, everything holy from the soul of the poor inexperienced young man. There everyone is in danger of freezing spiritually; there is rarely anyone there to warm you up. There is a snowstorm that completely covers the eyes, so they can’t see anything, and a person goes blind there. There is a storm of evil... And thank God that I am here; I must constantly thank God, remembering where I am and where the Lord brought me from. The holy days of Christmas have passed, flown by, flashed by: they have passed, that is, they have passed into eternity. They went by somehow very quickly. Day after day flies, and time is unnoticeable. “This is because our elders,” our Father once said, “very wisely distributed the time during each day, giving each task its own specific time.” This is already the second Christmas, the second New Year I celebrated here and spent... Here's something else I wanted to write down. I don’t remember who we told first about our intention to enter the monastery: Father Seraphim or Father Peter Sakharov. O. Seraphim was told as a confessor at confession: before confession we did not know him and had never even seen him. And to o. We went to Peter, as if to a friend, for advice. And besides, he is with Bishop. Tryphon is close and sent us straight to him. Now I can see that this is not accidental, which means we had to go to him. God's providence is everywhere, but we very often do not notice it. This must be said especially about the worldly: with them everything is a random coincidence of circumstances, which in fact never happens. Fr., famous for his eldership, recently died in Moscow. Archpriest Valentin Amfitheatrov. He was initially the rector of the church in the name of St. Constantine and Helena and “Unexpected Joy”, then, it seems, in the Archangel Cathedral, and then he lived in retirement, having lost his sight. He was the rector of the church, and my grandfather was the elder. When we told our mother about our desire, my mother, although she had an idea, was still amazed and decided to go and consult with Fr. Valentin. I went with her. When mom explained Fr. To Valentin the purpose of our visit, he replied that now he does not give advice to anyone, and especially in such a matter, “about which he cannot advise.” “I have never been a monk,” he said, “how will I advise... Then, it seems, he began to prayerfully wish us all the best and say goodbye. Then I turned to him and said: “Bless me, Father, to become a monk,” I think I said so, but if I didn’t say the word “to become a monk,” I thought it, and Fr. Valentin might have thought that I was not just asking for a blessing, but for monasticism. At my request, he stood up and blessed me with the words: - God bless you. In the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit. He spoke the words slowly, with love, and placed the sign of the cross on me, wide and also slowly, and finally kissed me, as far as I remember, on the forehead. It was somehow strange for me, vague, and upon receiving the blessing I immediately forgot about it. And now I feel that this was precisely a blessing for monastic life. On the 9th, Father gave me a book to read entitled: “Frank stories of a wanderer to his spiritual father.” Relatively recently, Father told me the following: – I want to tell you about an Englishman... I don’t know if modern Englishmen deal with similar issues... So, one day this Englishman was sitting and looking intently out the window. Suddenly he says: - Now I understand it... -What do you understand? – his wife asked. “Now I understand,” he said, “how our bodies will be transparent after the general resurrection of the dead.” - Why did this become clear to you? – his wife asked. “Here,” he answered, “I look at the glass and think: after all, glass is transparent, while its constituent parts: earth, coal, etc., do not have this transparency at all.” Therefore, a person’s body, which after his death turned to dust and earth, can, by God’s command, rise in a different, incorruptible, bright form. Recently Father told me the following: “I studied well at the gymnasium, I was first in class. We then had six-month rehearsals. I passed everything well and, upon arriving home, I was thinking about what I would read, generally making various plans in my head, because I had about two weeks of free time: from December 24 to January 7. He came and sat down at the table. There was a paper in front of me. I take a pen and write: “Renaissance.” What's happened? What revival? and I begin to write further: “Long ago, in the days of my youth”... And I was only fifteen years old then. Long ago, in the days of youth gone by, A holy fire burned within me; Was serene and living The Spirit invisibly kept in her But I got carried away with the noisy life; Your innocence, beauty, I couldn't save it, I'm crazy. And a whirlwind of passions But again I cried out to God With tears of bitter regrets, And He clung to my groans And again called to a wonderful life, Isn't this wonderful? I was only 15 years old, and I wrote my whole life ahead. Today I saw this poem on the table. Someone sent it to Father in the amount of one hundred copies, of which I, with Father’s blessing, took two. On the 13th I studied with Father in the evening until 12 o’clock at night, and on the 14th – until 10 o’clock, and from 10 to 12 o’clock we talked. A lot has been said, I don’t remember everything. But something holy, great, high, heavenly, divine flashed through my mind and consciousness during the conversation. The conversation touched on spiritual monastic life, humility, and the height of humility seemed to slightly reveal itself to my inner man. To clarify monastic life, Father took an example from the life of St. John of Damascus. Father told me the well-known story of the cutting off and healing of his hand. Then Father began to say: – When the Caliph of Damascus saw that a miracle had happened over John, he believed in God, recognized John’s innocence and offered him his former place at his court. But John refused and asked only one thing, namely: to be allowed into the monastic monastery. There was nothing to be done, and the caliph let him go. Then John went to the monastery of St. Savva. He comes and announces his desire to devote himself to monastic life. He, of course, is accepted and given into obedience to the elder. The elder, receiving him, asks: -Why did you come here? Are you looking for wonderful revelations, visions, higher sacraments? No, it's too early, you're not worthy. First you need to acquire humility. “I seek one thing—the salvation of my soul.” – Yes, first you need to acquire humility and obedience. - So good. Here's your obedience: don't you dare write anything from now on. John did not object and stopped writing, although it was not easy for him, for he could not write in defense of St. icons Finally, he could not bear it and wrote the order of burial, which was fully accepted by the church and is still performed by us. Then the elder said to John: - Yes. You disobeyed. Go and clean the latrines everywhere. John humbled himself and went to fulfill his new obedience and, probably, fulfilled it for a considerable time. So what do you think? The elder, out of stupidity and rudeness, imposed such two difficult obediences on John? The old man had great wisdom. The meaning of everything becomes clear from the first words that the elder said when receiving John. He placed humility above all else, for it places the one who has it above all others. The Holy Fathers call humility the robe of the Divine. Humility is the first condition of salvation: only by it can we be saved. Further, Father, as far as I remember, said in this regard: – The path of humiliation, humility and patience is difficult. Many took it upon themselves, decided to follow it, and could not stand it. Bishop wanted to follow this path. Ignatius Brianchaninov could not stand it. After all, he was also in Optina. Although he is considered the mentor of modern monasticism, for anyone who wants to understand the essence of monasticism at the present time cannot do this without his writings (his writings give a clear concept of monasticism), yet he is not Arsenius the Great. True, a saint, but still not Arseny. We have a tradition that Father Fr. Leo said about the bishop. Ignaniya Brianchaninova: – If he had gone a different way, he would have been the second Arsenius the Great. “It’s good to live in a monastery,” Father continued, “when you live carefully, delve into the inner meaning of life.” If you see only cabbage soup, porridge, careful walking to services, in a word, see only appearance, then living like that is very boring. And if you live, delving into the inner meaning of life, you will see wonderful wisdom and depth in everything. In this regard, the lives of saints provide an indispensable service. What a wonderful meaning in all events! Now it becomes clear to me why the brothers Nikolai and Ivan Belyaev came from the world here... that curtain is beginning to lift a little for me... ...This is how a loving, gentle father can treat his children. The ease of handling sometimes amazes me. This simplicity is the most sincere, not at all offensive, but, on the contrary, desired. These days I was especially warm to Father, I especially felt his significance for me... When I was already leaving Father, he began to talk about the signs of his death... And at the beginning of the conversation Father said: - I wish I could live a little longer... It’s scary to die, it’s scary to die... Then again in the middle of the conversation: “I’m afraid that I will have to answer for my spiritual children.” I keep thinking that I do little for them, I care little about myself and about them. Well, that’s how it should be about yourself, but about them... When I read “The Word on Death” by Bishop. Ignatius Brianchaninov, much became clear to me that I had not understood at all before. This book is irreplaceable in its kind... And now I see various torments in my dreams, for example, today... Lord, Lord, punish here as you want, just save me from eternal torment... “It is remarkable that people who are non-believers or have little faith, for example, materialists and others do not go beyond the body, beyond the visible, rejecting the existence of the soul, angels, demons, even God, but when they talk about eternal torment, they in no way want to allow anything material, sensual here, attributing torment to remorse, etc. This contradiction was noticed in them by great people, and, it seems, Metropolitan Philaret also noticed it.” Father told me more than once that he loved children very much, and once told the following: “I really loved organizing “children’s feasts.” These feasts brought joy to me and the children alike. I usually organized them on holidays. These poor children came to my apartment, all dressed in festive clothes, of course, very modest, for many came from the basements. I would choose one or two bigger boys and show them where to go. To this they shouted to me: “We know, we know.” And all of them, no more than twelve people, boys no younger than 4–5 years old and up to 10–11 years old, and girls no older than 8 years old (to avoid temptation) went about three miles out of town, into the forest. Due to my weakness, I took a cab for myself. A little earlier, my day with mysterious bundles also went there. When everyone was going to the appointed place, I, first of all, let the children run around the forest and play to their heart's content. Then, when they were a little tired from running around and hungry, I sat them down on the grass near a long and wide towel spread right on the grass, on which there were plates with sour cream, cottage cheese, cold boiled beef, eggs, black and white bread. It seems that’s all, and maybe there was something else, for example, butter, and nothing more. When they have had enough of this, I start giving them tea, and I give them cheap sweets and gingerbread; Of course, there was sugar, maybe a little jam, but that’s all. At the same time we talked. Sometimes they would bombard me with questions. He also told them about something useful for the soul, something spiritual. Everyone listened with pleasure and attention. We used to sit like that in the forest on a hill until 10–11 pm. The moon will rise. The already wonderful view of Kazan becomes even more beautiful. In front of us is a clearing, behind it is a river, and beyond the river is Kazan with its wonderful arrangement of houses, gardens and churches... And I felt good then, how much joy I felt then, and how many good seeds were thrown into these children’s receptive souls. And all this pleasure cost me ten rubles. What were ten rubles to me then? Finally it was time to return home. He came home, went to bed and got up the next day healthy, cheerful and went to work. Returning from the “feast”, I thought: “Where are my comrades now? How do they now spend time in restaurants with prodigal, depraved girls?” Lord, Lord... They say about me: - Has he gone crazy? All with children and monks... Did you hear? Well, okay, once, otherwise every holiday. I found pleasure. But some looked at these feasts condescendingly. Surprisingly, in general, many of my fellow soldiers and comrades were good people... Today is the fortieth day after the death of Fr. John of Kronstadt. Father, according to the resolution of the Synod, served mass, a memorial service and spoke a short word. Father was also at the meal, where I had to read the life of St. Grigory Omiritsky (December 19). What a wonderful life this is! What wisdom is in the words and speeches of this saint! Yesterday Father went to Compline for the rule. When he walked from there, I accompanied him, and Father began to tell me the following: – I went to Orenburg in 1890, where I spent my adolescence and youth, spending my childhood years in the village. Now this is not the same city anymore. There is no longer that patriarchy and spaciousness in it: everything has changed. So, when I went to Orenburg to see my mother for a blessing for monastic life, I walked in this city along all the streets, and also outside the city... And everything there reminded me of my past life with its sorrows and joys, with its bright and dark incidents, for there were, of course, deviations into shuiya... So it is now: I stand on the rule, and memories one after another in a whole string flash before me. I say: “Lord! Why is this? After all, they prevent me from listening to prayer...” But against my will they walk in front of me. And again, memories of both joyful and difficult events make a gratifying impression on me, and the latter - even more gratifying. Of course, if there had been a previous cell for the rule, even more memories would have arisen. Previously there was a rule where the new church is now. When the new church began to be built, it was as if someone told me: “Now it will be easier for you,” and indeed, that’s what happened. I felt weak, and what sorrows and persecutions had happened before... Only I firmly said to myself: “No matter what, I will not leave the monastery. I’ll die instead of leaving...” Recently, as well as yesterday morning, Father said that modern monasticism strives to fulfill its will in everything. Abba Dorotheos says: “I know of no other fall for a monk than the consequence of his own will.” During a conversation for the first time, Father called me his “hidden man.” I didn’t expect this and I don’t know what I could have done to deserve it. God bless Father. I am beginning to see more and more that Father is a great old man. And to my regret, Father speaks more and more often about his death, that his days are “endless.” “I’m completely alone,” Father once said, “and my strength is weakening.” – We: me and Father Fr. Ambrose - they did everything together, they consoled each other in sorrows. I’ll come and say: “Father, oh. Ambrose, something’s hard.” - “Well, why is it so hard? Now everything is fine. But the days will come...” Yes, and now they have come. There are many monks, many good ones, but there is no one to console. Now I understand what it means: “The days will come”... February. February 8. Sunday This whole week passed quickly and unnoticed. I studied a lot in my cell with Father and only today, it seemed, I breathed a little freely. Today is Forgiveness Sunday. The weather is wonderful, spring. The sun shines cheerfully on the snow, water drips from the roofs and trees. The fir trees and pines are covered with snow, which fell abundantly the day before and covered the entire monastery with a white shroud, so the tops of the pines and fir trees glisten in the sun, and the snow lying on the dark green needles seems even whiter. Recently Father told me about monasticism: – Monasticism is the bliss that is only possible for a person on earth; there is nothing higher than this bliss. And this is because monasticism provides the key to the inner life. Bliss is within us, we just need to discover it. Complete bliss is in heaven, in the future life, but its lowest level is on earth. In that life it only continues. When Father says such things, I feel something great, holy, but it seems to flash before me and disappear. Now I went to say goodbye to the monastery. Tomorrow is the first day of St. Great Lent. Brother Kirill came these days, but left today. Father loves him like a father, and he apparently responds in kind. When he had already left, Father said, as if in thought, and what was said had no relation to the previous one: “Will I have to see Lyusha again?” - (This is what Father usually calls his brother. Kirill, brother Nikitushka, and sometimes me.) I didn’t answer anything to this, but I put these words in my heart. Today I returned to the skete. Kuksha, who traveled to Kaluga to be ordained as a hieromonk. Today Father said that he was told that the enemy wants to sow tares between me and Ivanushka in order to create enmity and hatred between us. Father warned me against this evil, saying that we should maintain love among ourselves, so that we would not allow the enemy to devour anything. Father said the same thing last year, when we had just put on our cassock. And I must sacredly observe this, that is, support unity and love in every possible way. Now I went to Father for a blessing after Vespers. After the blessing and revelation of my infirmities for this day, Father told me the following: “It’s all nothing if we reproach ourselves and humble ourselves.” But many people climb to heaven, impose feats on themselves, but do not want to humble themselves. Humble yourself, humble yourself. Yes, I’ll tell you, brother Nikolai, they don’t want to humble themselves. This is an ulcer, the ulcer of modern monasticism... Today I was honored to receive St. Christ's Mysteries. The first week of Great Lent has already passed. It didn’t pass, but flashed by. I didn’t even notice the fast, I didn’t feel its burden. On February 19, Father told me: “I have already told you, Brother Nikolai, more than once and I will tell you again: the thought comes to me - to leave everything, to go to some cell. Life becomes scary, scary. I’m just afraid to leave on my own and have no one to consult with. If only Father Fr. were alive. Barnabas would have gone to him, but he was no longer there. But I’m afraid: I’m afraid, like a sentry is afraid to leave his post - they’ll shoot him. In this situation, you begin to understand the words of the prophet David: “Save me, Lord.” ...If we take only one part of the phrase, then it goes without saying that no one wants destruction and does not say: “Destroy me, Lord.” Everyone can always say: “Save me, Lord.” But he further adds: “Because the monk is impoverished.” There is no one to turn to, Lord, save me. Only now does it become clear to me why the saints fled. fathers from the world, but they just fled... I want to run away into the desert too... Shortly before this, one evening, Father himself, not at my question, but himself began to say: “Before, I didn’t understand what was going on in the world, but now, when I have to face it, it amazes me with its extreme complexity and bleakness. True, there are joys, but they are fleeting, instantaneous. And what joys are these? Of the lowest standard. But we have bliss, even a little like heaven. There are, of course, sorrows, but this is temporary. “It is good who cares about the inner contemplative life, for it will give him everything.” Exactly two years ago in the evening, Ivanushka and I with Fr. Gabriel were at the Bryansk station in Moscow, intending to go to Optina Pustyn, without having the slightest idea about it. Two weeks before that time, I did not know that Optina existed. Thus, having left Moscow on February 23, we saw Optina for the first time on the 24th, that is, on the day of the Finding of the Head of St. John the Baptist - found Optina as a quiet refuge from everyday storms and evils. I don’t dare think that this happened without God’s providence. After wandering aimlessly through the wilderness of life, I found here a truly rich treasure, hidden from the wise and prudent and open, accessible to infants, simpletons and the unguileful in heart. And it was hidden for me, and I could hardly have found it myself. I was brought here, I don’t know why, how or for what... The following circumstance also caught my attention. Ep. Tryphon told us to come to the Epiphany Monastery for Vespers with our mother and Fr. P. Sakharov. It was on “Prodigal Son” Sunday. We have arrived. Ep. Tryphon gave a very good sermon on this topic. After Vespers we went to see him. The four of us enter, and at this time Fr. enters. Gabriel, as it were, meets us. “The Archangel Gabriel has just been sent to you,” said the Vladyka, half jokingly, half seriously, “you go with him.” And this Sunday our trip to Optina was finally decided. Optina seemed to have already accepted me, like a prodigal son, into her arms. This is not all a mere coincidence, no, it all makes great sense. It is surprising that I, who until now did not want to subordinate my will and understanding to anyone, did not even participate with my own will in the matter of finding Optina and installing it in the monastery: everything was done according to the instructions and blessing of the clergy. March. March 1st. Sunday On numbers 23–24 I revealed my thoughts to Father. Father answered me: – Only saints can drive away thoughts and resist them, but we need to flee from them... - Yes, Father, when I wake up, I begin to say the Jesus Prayer... – This is what I wanted to tell you about. Right now you don’t have the strength to fight your thoughts, call on the Lord Jesus, and His name will drive thoughts away from you. They, as I have already said, cannot commit sin. For example, is it really your fault that when you opened the door of your cell, you were caught in the wind and covered in snow? There is no fault in this. But if you see that you are unable to walk in such a blizzard, then you can only escape by running, namely, by slamming the door. And another, stronger one, will probably walk through this blizzard. We are far from that. They can, like David, go out into single combat, but not with bare hands. Notice what David came out with against Goliath? With a stone. What does stone mean? “The stone is Christ.” Think about it. That same evening Father told me: – We, that is, those standing at such a post, bearing such obedience, cannot rest. Today I felt very bad and I thought: I need to rest, I’ll go to bed. “Brother Nikita,” I say, “today we will not unlock the women’s section, for the first time in three years. I’ll go to bed and don’t wake me up until three o’clock.” He lay down, and his thought said: “Perhaps some servant of Christ came there with sorrow, or some other urgent need of hers - how could that be? We need to unlock it." He called his brother Nikita, told him to open it, and he stood up: soon all the weakness passed. And there, indeed, some came who needed to be accepted. And this is how the Lord reinforces in such cases... Father told similar incidents before. For example, Father could not read at all during the fire due to the terrible pain in his eyes. When Father was ordained a hieromonk, he declared that he could not serve under fire, but Fr. The archimandrite replied that God would help. And indeed, Father was given the opportunity to serve under fire. And now he even writes, reads, and generally has the opportunity to work by fire, as his position requires it. Today is Sunday, Holy Week. John Climacus, but his service was not celebrated, since the commemoration of the 40 Martyrs of Sebastia in the lake falls on Monday, and the service was celebrated by him today. Yesterday during the vigil I read the proverbs for the first time. So, I had to read the proverbs of St. martyrs. Once Father told me: “You need to turn to someone for advice. What I am saying now is extremely important, and blessed are those who know it. It happens that someone will come to Optina, consult with one, then with another, sometimes he will visit three or four. Everyone advises in their own way, and the questioner ends up confused: he doesn’t know what to do, whose advice to follow. But it was necessary to ask the one to whom he first came, and what he would advise - to take into account, considering this to be the will of God.” Sometimes Father talks and says a lot that I would like to write down, but there is no time or opportunity. Today after lunch Father began to go to bed to rest. I was with him, covered him when he lay down. When Father undressed, he began to say: “Neither I nor you, of course, have any thoughts of parting with each other.” But really, it’s good to die in such years when your soul has not yet hardened, and in our monastery... “Yes,” I say, “my desire is to stay forever in the monastery and lie down in the grave here.” But only St. John Climacus says that “those who have not been purified, even if they desire death, act foolishly...” - Why wish you death; the right to desire this is given to me. But anything can happen: God has his own calculations, and it is unknown which of us will be demanded from here first. I don’t remember very well what else Father said. I don’t have a free minute, so I write somehow. March 22. Palm Sunday Taking advantage of a free minute, I'll write something down. On March 14, Father gave me two wooden spoons - one for me personally, and one for Ivanushka. On the same day, Father told me the following: – Archbishop Afanasy was in Kazan. Many wonderful things were said about him. For example, when he had just arrived in Kazan, he hurried to the Cathedral. After serving mass, a prayer service and saying a short word, he began to bless the people. In the general mass, in the crowd, some lady also approaches. He blesses her, but does not let her kiss her hand. She thought he did it in a hurry to finish the blessing. But still, she again came up for the blessing, and again, after blessing, he did not allow her to kiss her hand. She approached him several times, and the same thing was repeated. Then she says to him: “Holy Lord, am I really such a sinner that I am not worthy to kiss your hand?” “Here,” says the bishop, “I have a hand like a man’s.” The lady blushed, realizing that the Right Reverend recognized her thoughts, for he said what she thought when approaching the blessing. There were many more similar cases proving his insight... A characteristic feature of many saints: to invite guests, welcome them cordially and treat them - was also noticed by the Right Reverend Athanasius. He loved to invite guests over on holidays. That's what happened once. After mass, he immediately comes home from church with the guests. After drinking tea and having a few conversations with the guests, the Right Reverend invited them to have lunch. Having ordered the cell attendant to serve dinner, he and the guests sat down at the table. They serve huge, perfectly cooked pike. Looking at her, the Lord says: - You can’t eat it, it’s cursed. Everyone looked at the Eminence somewhat surprised. “It’s cursed, you can’t eat it,” the Lord repeated. He calls the cell attendant and orders her to be removed from the table. He doesn't even dare to remove it. Then the Eminence orders the cook to be called. He comes. The Bishop looks at him and, noticing the tied finger, asks: - I cut it accidentally, Holy Lord. – What did you say at the same time? - Forgive me, Vladyka, I said: for you to be... I didn’t say it well. - Well, you see, now you can’t eat it. Throw this one away, but the other one needs to be prepared. You see, even the curse of a simple person - a cook - has such a powerful effect... “Actually, Father,” I asked, “it’s not clear how Bishop Afanasy found out about this, and why you can’t eat after the curse?” – The cook’s curse produced some changes in the fish, which the Right Reverend noticed with his discerning eyes. As a result of these changes, it became impossible to eat fish. This explains why in the world, in rich houses, in the most expensive dishes, there is no taste that we feel in our sour cabbage soup: there everything is done without prayer, with abuse and curses, but in our monastery with prayer and blessing. In conclusion, I will write down the words of Father, spoken to me once: “Keep the spirit: the spirit gives life...” March 29. Easter. Lord's Easter This is already the third one we have encountered in the Optina Pustyn, and the second one based on skete life. Having been with Father almost the whole day, I could not avoid some bustle. But despite this, everyone here celebrates the holiday spiritually. Having completed my obedience before 8 o'clock in the evening, I came to the church to hear the Acts of St. Apostles. Here, in the twilight in front of the Shroud, vain thoughts may well be calmed down by reverent reading. Quietly and calmly I went to the monastery, where I celebrated a joyful and great holiday. Quiet and peaceful at heart. God bless. As far as I remember, on Good Friday, during Holy Week, Father said the following truth, attested to by St. fathers: – If those wishing to enter a monastery knew all the sorrows inherent in monastic life, then no one would go to the monastery. Therefore, the Lord deliberately hides these sorrows from them. And if people knew the bliss awaiting monks, then the whole world would run to the monastery without looking back. These days I was extremely busy, spending all my time with Father. Brother Kirill is leaving today; he helped me a lot with my written work. Save him, Lord. Yesterday was the memory of St. Barsanuphia, and Father had a birthday. The other day Father told me that when he was still a layman in Kazan, he really loved to stand in the Cathedral near the relics of St. Barsanuphia. When Father began to develop a desire to live a godly life, he often turned to St. Barsanuphius, as if leaving it to his decision which path of life to choose. And the saint of God did not leave in vain the prayer of those who resorted to him with faith and showed Father the monastic path, and even made him worthy of acceptance when he tonsured his name. And the first step towards this, perhaps, was what Father told me about on March 14 before the vigil: – In Kazan, when the opera “The Huguenots” was staged for the first time, I was in the same box in the theater with some of my good friends. I really loved opera. Suddenly, melancholy attacked me, and in my soul it was as if someone was saying: “You came to the theater and are sitting here, but if you die now, what then? The Lord said: “What I find you in, that’s what I judge you in...” Leave the theater quickly... With what and how will your soul appear to God if you die now?” I felt scared. I completely agreed with this inner voice and thought: “I have to leave.” Then another voice begins to speak: “What will your friends say? Is it worth paying attention to every trifle..." Again the first voice: "Go, go quickly, your friends have now forgotten about you, and then you can say anything to their questions." A struggle began, but the first voice prevailed and I decided to leave. He quietly rose from his chair, reached the door with barely audible steps, quickly closed it behind him and quickly walked towards the exit. Almost ran down the stairs. He quickly put on his coat, ran out into the street, shouted to the cab driver and flew home. Only when I had already entered my cozy little room was I free to catch my breath. Here I decided never to go to the theater again, and indeed I never did. Then, like everything else, I forgot about it over time. Then years passed, I remembered again... and I wanted to know what the date was then, whose memory it was then. I checked and found out that it was October 4, the memory of Saints Gurias and Barsanuphius, the Kazan wonderworkers... Lord, this is me, St. Barsanuphius led him out of the theater. Now I think: what a deep meaning there is in the events of our life, how it is located exactly according to some special mysterious plan. I also remembered how I lived before leaving for Optina for the first time, that is, when the grace of the Lord touched me. At the University, after graduating from high school, I managed to study for a little over six months... After Christmas, my thoughts and aspirations to please God began to be somewhat formulated, and I began to visit the University, albeit every day, but with some purpose... I came to the University and was there until 9 o’clock, at 9 o’clock I went to the Kazan Cathedral for mass, having previously stopped on the way to Iverskaya, if there were not very many people there. After listening to the liturgy, sometimes even standing on my knees throughout the liturgy, I would slowly go home and on the way go to the Chapel of the Savior at the Moskvoretsky Bridge and, having prayed there, would head home without delay. At home they thought that I was at the University, and I was in the Kazan Cathedral, because I didn’t say anything to anyone at home, I was frank only with Ivanushka. On April 22, Father told me that it was exactly three years since he took over the management of the monastery. Memory of Rev. Vitaly. Today Father told me that in 1870, when the city of Orenburg was set on fire and 7/8 of it burned down, Father’s mother with her sister and him, then Pavel Ivanovich, with their entire house and property were miraculously saved from the fire. “A windy day was chosen for the fire,” Father said, “the wind quickly spread throughout most of the city. Hellfire was already approaching our house. Then we put our belongings on the cart and drove out of town, and we left our uninsured house to the will of God. It was night. We hid behind the surviving part of the rampart, built during Pugachev’s time and even earlier. What to do? The old mother stood up to pray: “Lord, save us.” - And I stood up and said: “Mother of God, save us...” And suddenly the wind changed direction, the flame flew in the other direction. Our part of the city survived... Two or three months passed, the talk about the fire did not stop in the city. And one day a certain Silin said: – Are you asking why this part of the city survived? Yes, here’s why: someone lives as a monk, and perhaps even enters a monastery, so for his sake the Lord saved this part of the city. At that time I was not yet thinking about monasticism, and therefore I only smiled at the words of this man, but then I remembered them more than once. He told the truth about me... You see how dear monasticism is to the Lord. I remember how, back in winter, Father told me: – A person consists of three parts: body, soul and spirit. This can be seen from the words of the Mother of God, spoken by her in greeting the righteous Elizabeth: “My soul magnifies the Lord, and my spirit rejoices in God, My Savior.” Here the division is very clearly visible: one is the spirit, and the other is the soul, and that the body and soul are two different parts is obvious. And notice this sequence: the soul begins to praise the Lord, and from this the spirit comes into joy and begins to rejoice. This applies to every person when he prays or praises God. Prayer begins through the forces of the soul, and the mind listens to the words of the prayer. Then the meaning of the prayer seems to touch the human spirit, and the spirit, forced by the Divine power of prayer, will rejoice... I tried to remember what Father said then, but I don’t know if I conveyed it correctly. Today is Easter. Father went to serve in the monastery for Fr. Archimandrite, because he was somehow tired. Yesterday Father told me about the struggle he had in his soul when he was sent to war in Mullin. When the appointment was announced to Father, he felt the difficulty of this obedience, but did not refuse, but accepted it as from the hand of the Lord, although it was the fruit of the ill will of some. – My health was bad. “How am I going to go,” I thought, “how can such a frail old man travel several thousand miles... I thought that I wouldn’t get there... Then there were other thoughts in my mind, namely: how will you perform religious services, baptize babies, when you have never baptized. How will you perform a funeral service for the dead when you have never performed a funeral service? How will you get along with your bosses and doctors if they bully you? How can you immediately fall from a monastery into a crowd of people, and even into the women’s society of sisters of mercy? (Father said that all these thoughts were demonic slander.) How will a climate to which you are not accustomed affect your health? And so on and so forth... But I only fought back with the Jesus Prayer. When I overcame this, the enemy changed his actions, he began to incite those traveling with me to slander me... It was very difficult... This continued until Harbin. When I was sent to Mullin, I got rid of those “who were persecuting me,” breathed freely and seemed to go to heaven. Nature alone is worth it: blue mountains, forests, steppes with millions of flowers. Simple friendly relations were established between me and those around me. The chief doctor turned out to be a crest, and all the others were truly Russian people and believers, including, of course, the sisters of mercy (some of them still refer to Father in writing). I had a good time there. I think: despite the fact that everything turned out so unfavorably for Father, he, being faithful to the virtue of obedience, received retribution. Father suffered many sorrows. The enemy took up arms strongly, but God’s grace did not leave Father. Yesterday Father went to the monastery, but he dressed lightly, but it was cold. Just yesterday he didn’t feel very well, and today he felt even worse, he didn’t even go to mass or lunch. Yesterday I had to talk a little with Father. I don’t undertake to write down the entire conversation, I’ll just note a few thoughts: “There is prayer,” Father said, “firstly, it is oral, secondly, it is internal, heartfelt, and thirdly, it is spiritual.” Very few people have inner prayer of the heart, and those who have spiritual prayer are even rarer. Spiritual prayer is incomparably higher than internal heartfelt prayer. Those who have it begin to learn the secrets of nature, they look at everything from the inside, comprehend the meaning of things, and not their external side. They are constantly overwhelmed by high spiritual delight, tenderness, their eyes often shed tears. Their delight is incomprehensible to us. The delight of the greatest artists accessible to us, in comparison with their spiritual delight, is nothing, for it is more spiritual. Scientific enlightenment can be acquired by all peoples without distinction, but moral enlightenment and purity are characteristic only of a Christian... In a monastery it is more convenient to achieve moral improvement than in the world... Both in the world and in the monastery, a person is worried about passions, but in the world one indulges in passions with pleasure, if not in deed, then in word and thought, and in the monastery there is a struggle against the attraction of passions, for which one receives a reward and moral purification from the Lord... Rev. Seraphim of Sarov says that whoever does not say the Jesus Prayer in a monastery is not a monk... and it’s scary to think that he adds: “he’s a burnt brand”... Yes, it is necessary to have some kind of prayer, even the smallest one. Yesterday, one young girl who served as a maid in Kaluga brought Father a gift: a copper cross and velvet airs embroidered with silver. “It touches my heart,” Father says about her, “this girl is about 18 years old.” I had it in 1905. Having been in Optina, she had the intention of visiting again someday and bringing me a gift. To do this, she decided to save money. She now receives one ruble more than before: five rubles a month. For three whole years she saved money. Finally, I saved up and fulfilled my desire, namely: I went to Kyiv to pray at the Pechersk miracle workers and other Kyiv shrines and buy a gift there for Father Barsanuphius in Optina. I bought the cross for seven rubles, and the air for ten rubles, which means 17 rubles in total, and the trip to Kiev itself cost 20 rubles. That comes out to 37 rubles, and she’ll still live in Optina, spend it, and be blissful. “Now I’m calm,” he says, “I took a blessing from the Kiev saints of God and made a gift to Father.” Of course, her sacrifice was accepted by God. Today is Spiritual Day. What I really liked during mass was that 2-3 fathoms from the church a nightingale sat on an apple tree and sang. And how he sang! It was heard in the church. So much simplicity, so much pure poetry. “The faces of people of holy, pious life bear the imprint of this holiness. These faces have the peculiarity that when you look at them, they somehow amaze and make a strong impression. And even after a long time they are not forgotten. I have seen such people. One day I thought if I was seeing a vision, because there was something unearthly.” Father recently told me this and named the names of such saints, but I forgot them. I recently asked Father for his blessing to write out some flower seeds and sow them under my window. Father blessed me, saying that this thought of mine is the most innocent. Father also loves flowers, and the old elders did too. O. Anatoly, it seems, himself participated in planting the flowers. I have loved flowers since childhood. Sometimes I dug beds and flower beds myself. Planted, sowed, replanted. And sometimes he even stole flowers from my grandmother, for which I was punished one day. Sometimes I had to replace Father’s cell attendants, although rarely and not for long. Sometimes he helped Father go to bed to rest after dinner. Father always lies down with his rosary, putting it on his hand. One day, novices who had just arrived and dressed came to Father for a blessing. I was in the next room and heard some of Father’s instructions. By the way, Father said: “Never go to bed even without a rosary, let them certainly be with you.” At one time I slept without a rosary, and then I started wearing a rosary again, following Father’s example. And now I’ve probably learned that I need to go to bed with my rosary. There is a lot that needs to be written down, but I don’t know if it will be possible. When Father talks about the Jesus Prayer, I always feel some inspiration and interest. This is what happened the other day: “Metropolitan Gabriel was in St. Petersburg. He lived well. He read a lot about the Jesus Prayer and practiced it himself several times, but despite this, he still had some perplexities and doubts about the feat of prayer. Then he asks his loved ones a question: – Who can resolve my doubts and point out the main condition for success in prayer? - Holy Master, call the monk Fr. Cleopas, he will probably tell you something. “Hardly,” says the Vladyka, “after all, he is uneducated.” I believe that he has a good life, but that’s not what I need... Well, still, let him come. They called Fr. Cleopas. “Yes, this must really be a monk,” thought the Metropolitan. – I called you to ask you, what is the main condition for success in prayer? Can you give me an answer to this? – Success in prayer is achieved by patient persistence in the feat of prayer. The enemy tries in every possible way to tear the ascetic away from the Jesus Prayer. To this end, he fights both on the right and on the left. It inspires the idea that you shouldn’t work, because you won’t achieve anything anyway, look, they say, how much time you’ve been working and haven’t achieved anything yet. Or it fights from the other side, instilling thoughts that you have already achieved holiness, that you no longer need to say the Jesus Prayer, that this is completely unnecessary. Also, thoughts similar to them will fight the ascetic in order to lead him astray from the path of prayer, but he must overcome them with patience. that is, to patiently continue the feat of prayer that has begun and not to stop it under any circumstances, - this is what Fr. Cleopas, knowing this struggle well from personal experience. Having heard from Fr. Cleopas these wise words, the Lord hugged him, kissed him and said: “You resolved all my perplexities and questions in one minute.” This is what experiential knowledge means. So, in the feat of prayer, the main thing is patience...” Yesterday, that is, June 5, Father decided to give himself a little rest from the bustle, so he began to read various books, one of which contained a description of the persecution of Christians in the first centuries. Having read aloud about Diocletian’s persecution, Father said: “All this persecution and torment will happen again, it’s very possible.” Now all this is possible. – It seems that Father even said that all monasteries would be closed and Christians in power would be overthrown, and that this time was not far off. On June 3 at 9 pm our Kaluga Bishop Veniamin came to us in Optina. We, the skits, went to meet him at the monastery, and on June 4, Vladyka served the liturgy. Two archimandrites came with the bishop, both from the Optina brethren. I don’t know the name of one, but the other is called Fr. Lavrenty. I was called to the altar, put on a surplice and assigned to serve at the liturgy and prayer service for Fr. Lawrence. After the liturgy and prayer service, Vladyka said a short word. About one o'clock he arrived at the monastery. It was raining. We all met him. Vladyka went to the old church, then to the French Count Du-Chaille, who was placed by Father in our building, as far as I remember, on June 2. By the way, about the count. His name is Alexander Maksimovich. Having believed in the truth of Orthodoxy in distant France, it seems, in the city of Lyon, he decided to convert to Orthodoxy there, which he did. He is about 35 years old. His mother forgave him, but his father does not forgive him and, it seems, even cursed him. Having arrived in Russia, he visited Metropolitan Anthony. He pointed him to Optina, and he lived in the hotel for several months. He plans to enter the Theological Academy. Today is the day of the opening of the relics of St. Blessed Princess Anna Kashinskaya. I, a sinner, have been honored to confess my sins... Then I remembered that sometimes I have thoughts that condemn Father. I told this to Father. Father, after listening, said: - And you answer this thought: “This is not my business, the elder is responsible for this, not me.” When Father and I were driving to the dacha, I said: – Father, I’ve noticed that reading books that are godless and generally disagree with my worldview, although it does not change my views, still leaves some kind of aftertaste. “Yes,” answered Father, “St. the fathers and our elders advised us to read books of our own direction and by reading to further strengthen and develop our convictions. Served Fr. Archimandrite with Father and Fr. Nectarius, Before lunch, a realist boy, about 12–14 years old, came to Father. He turned out to be the grandson of Fr. Archimandrite Moses, i.e. the son of Fr. Moses. On June 18, my three brothers arrived in Optina: Vladimir, Sergei and Mitrofan. On the 21st they went back to Moscow. Save them, Lord. But I found little in common with me. I told Father about this. “Yes,” answered Father, “this is aptly defined by the proverb: “The paths diverged.” They have changed little in appearance. It seems that they have changed little in their internal structure. Still, it’s good that they came to Optina. Let's hope this will be to their benefit. Today is the day of the angel Father. By his worldly name he is named after St. Pavel. Father is going to go to the cathedral of monastics in the Trinity-Sergius Lavra. This morning at 4 o'clock Father left with Fr. archimandrite to Kaluga, from where they will go to the congress at the Trinity-Sergius Lavra. They'll probably go somewhere else. When Matins ended, I went to Father. After praying, Father left through St. the gate to the approaching carriage. When he got into it, he blessed us all again, and the horses started moving. I felt sad, and I hurried to go to my cell... When will Father come back? And who will replace him for me? Arriving at the cell, I prayed both for Father and for myself. I won’t lie, I cried. Yesterday, that is, June 30, Father gave me a linen handkerchief: “Take it from me as a souvenir.” “God bless you, Father,” I answered. When leaving, Father told me to take care of myself during his absence. One day the other day I repented to Father that I slept through Matins. To this Father replied: - Reproach yourself, God will forgive. But when I leave, you won’t wake up. Get back into the old framework. Take care of yourself this time... Be silent... Waking up at Matins and other infirmities occur from a lack of determination. We must do it at all costs, then the Lord helps for such determination. For example, you decided to leave the world, and the Lord helped you, and you left it. And so it is in every case and always. On Sunday, May 14, at the liturgy, the Sunday Gospel was read to the prophet Elisha (Luke IV, 22–30). This Gospel ends with the words: “And he (i.e., Jesus Christ) passed through the midst of them as he walked.” When I came to Father in the evening for revelation and blessing, he very unexpectedly asked me: – Do you remember which Gospel was read today? - Sorry, Father, I forgot. “It said that the Jews were furious with the Lord and took Him up to the mountain “and cast Him down.” “He passed through their midst.” What does this mean? In relation to the Lord Jesus, the meaning is clear, i.e., that the Jews were so furious with Him that they wanted to throw Him off the mountain, but He, passing among them unharmed, went on on its way. But in relation to us, this has a different meaning, namely: angry Jews denote passionate thoughts that are trying to plunge us into the abyss. But our mind passes through them unharmed, and having passed, leaves them behind itself, and goes forward and forward, approaching the Heavenly Jerusalem - the Kingdom of Heaven. Note that it not only passes through them, but goes further... Georgy, the Zadonsk Recluse, writes to himself that while he was still in the world, he was an idealist, looking for beauty everywhere. He was handsome himself. Having met one beauty, he even proposed to her, to which she agreed. And it seems that that same night he sees a dream: as if a beauty stands in front of him, the likes of which he has never seen, in front of whom the one to whom he proposed is nothing. And he says in amazement: “Who are you? What's your name? “My name is chastity,” and he wakes up. “So here she is, beauty! I don’t need anything.” - And he went into seclusion, despising everything. Yes, sometimes the Lord teaches with the help of sensory images. George the recluse was looking for beauty in the world, but he was looking where it could not be found, he did not understand that he had to look for it in something completely different, and the Lord with this dream put him on the path of truth. Today at the beginning of 10 o'clock in the morning Father arrived. The rain prevented the mowing, we walked from the field to the ferry, and saw that Father and Fr. Panteleimon, the hierodeacon of the monastery, also board the ferry. I’ll write about the details later, God willing. I find it difficult to write about the details of the cathedral for various reasons. I will only say that everything turned out well and peacefully. Father and Fr. the archimandrite returned healthy. Everything, thank God, is good. Recently Father told me about the Jesus Prayer. Works of the bishop. Ignatius Brianchaninov is necessary, they are, so to speak, the alphabet, the syllables. The works of the ep. Feofan Vyshensky's essence is already grammar, they are deeper. Even successful people read them with some difficulty. “Recently, one hieromonk,” said Father, “asked about the Jesus Prayer and asked me to point out the books.” I answered him. He apparently wants to learn this prayer from one reading. You need to know it through personal experience, you need to start working on it yourself. “The Jesus Prayer,” Father continued, “the boundless sea.” It is impossible to exhaust it. It is impossible to describe everything in books. Many start, but few finish. Therefore, there are few who have inner prayer. This great work is now almost completely forgotten... No one even talks about it. We think too abstractly about the torments of hell, as a result of which we forget about them. The world has completely forgotten about this. The devil inspired us all that neither he (i.e. the devil) nor the torments of hell exist. And St. the fathers teach that the betrothal of Gehenna, just like bliss, begins on earth, that is, sinners begin to experience the torments of hell while still on earth, and the righteous begin to experience bliss... only with the difference that in the next century both will be incomparably stronger. On August 7 at 8 o'clock in the morning St. icon of the Kaluga Mother of God. There was a vigil in the monastery, where we also went, and after the vigil with the singing of troparions and kontakion of the Mother of God, we took the icon to the monastery, where it stood in the old church all night, and yesterday morning, at three o’clock, Father and others served a prayer service with an akathist before the icon, after which they carried it to the cells. Yesterday everything was St. the icon was escorted to the ferry, and the servants and singers went further, until when - I don’t know. I had to write little and rarely, there was absolutely no time. The other day Father spoke about how dangerous it is to leave the monastery, and in conclusion he told the following two cases. The first one seems to be modern, that is, it was from maybe 5-10 years ago. “One rich merchant had a son, this son entered one of the St. monasteries, but did not get along in it and went into the world, that is, from the royal palaces - into a stinking swamp. Soon after leaving, he married and lived with his wife and children in his home. Then he realized what he had lost, but it was too late. And then one day he somehow managed to get an old, torn novice cassock from a junk dealer. He brought the cassock home and on major holidays he retired to the farthest room - the prayer room, put on this cassock and indulged in bitter weeping, remembering his life in St. monastery. And here’s another thing: one day a man came to the bathhouse with his little son. Take off your clothes. The father sat down on the bench, and the son kept looking at his back. Then the father asks his son: – Why are you looking at my back? – There’s some kind of black spot on your back, Dad. Then the father realized that the eyes of the innocent, pure baby had been opened, and that this black spot was nothing more than a paraman, for he had previously been a monk." ...Recently, when I accompanied Father to the monastery, we, as usual, went to the graves of the elders. Having bowed to the elders, Father pointed with his hand to the monument standing directly behind the main altar of the Vvedensky Church. Then he asked me: – Did I tell you about this monument? “No,” I answered. - Well, then you remind me someday, I’ll tell you. Recently I reminded Father, and Father told me the following: “It was a long time ago, it seems, back in the time of the elders, Fr. Lev and Fr. Macarius. One day a young girl named Varvara, a beauty, came to Optina. She really liked Optina. But she still needed to leave, and she went with her mother from Optina. They were driving, and on the way from Kozelsk they were carrying a coffin to the cemetery. A young girl lies in a coffin. There was a custom then (hardly preserved now) that girls should always be carried to the cemetery by girls too. For this purpose, when one of them died, they gathered girls from everywhere, dressed them in white clothes, and decorated them with flowers, also white. They all together picked up the coffin, also white and decorated with white flowers, and carried it themselves to the cemetery. This is the kind of funeral procession that this girl Varvara met on the road. She, full of admiration for this picture, exclaimed: - Here she is happy, here she is happy. The mother was surprised by these exclamations and said: - What are you, stupid? I'll take you to Moscow and St. Petersburg. There you will be my first beauty at the balls. But her daughter did not listen to her, amazed by this white funeral procession. They arrived home, but the pure girl felt like a stranger among the splendor and luxury and wanted to go back to Optina. Finally I asked for time off and went. In Optina she spoke, received communion, and was about to go home. She got into the cart and drove off, but when she began to descend to the Zhizdra River, the horse suddenly rushed straight into Zhizdra. And when they caught the girl, she was already dead. The elders gathered for advice: what to do and where to bury this girl. And they decided to bury her behind the main altar, giving her first place in their hermitage for her great love for Optina. That's what a girl Varvara is. See how God hears prayer and sees the delight of a pure, innocent soul, not coarsened in earthly pleasures. She considered it only happiness, and the Lord fulfilled her desire...” Father told me about Fr. Archimandrite Moses: “Once a peasant brought a whole cart of apples to Optina for sale, because at that time there were no apples, that is, orchards, in Optina. O. Moses went out to the peasant and asked: – What kind of apples are these and what is the price? The little man, thinking that Fr. Moses does not understand the use of apples, he wanted to deceive and answers: - This is “Good Peasant”, apples are the first grade. O. Moses sees that this is an unripe Antonovka and says: - What, what are they called? - Wasn’t this peasant’s name Anton? The little man realized that Fr. Moses recognized the type of apple and answered in confusion: - Excuse me, father, so should I go back? - For what? Call me o. economy. When he arrived, Fr. Moses ordered the apples to be poured into the basement, and gave the peasant the price he asked from the very beginning...” On September 6, Father told me about Fr. Abbot Veniamin of the Naif Hermitage, near Kazan. The story was that in the relationship of a student to an elder, the main thing is the faith of the student. – If they ask with faith, then the Lord, according to the faith of the one asking, reveals His will to him. Even secular priests, by faith, revealed the will of God to those who turned to them. The Holy Fathers say that if you ask a baby with faith, then through him God will reveal His will. And if you ask with a searching spirit, then God will inspire the prophet to tell a lie. I didn't tell you about Fr. Abbot Veniamin, as he, having no one to whom he could turn for advice, decided to ask the first baby he met. For a long time he had a desire to build a bell tower in the monastery, but there were no funds or benefactors. Then he decided to go to the nearest village and ask the first baby whether he should build a bell tower or not. He walks, walks about a mile and sees a woman walking with a little girl. When they approached him, he blessed them and asked the girl: She replies that she is almost 30 million years old, and her mother said that she is about four years old. - Well, okay, so tell me: should I build a bell tower or not? “God save you, child,” said Fr. abbot and returned to the monastery. On the same day, he ordered the hiring of workers, the preparation of forests, and generally made the necessary orders. The next day some contractor comes to him and says: “Here, Father, the idea came to me to donate to your monastery the bricks I had prepared - one million pieces, but I am embarrassed that you will have nowhere to use it. “God save you, because I started building a bell tower, and I really need bricks.” “Well, thank God,” the contractor answers, “so I’ll start transporting bricks for you today.” And things went well, and he built a good bell tower. You see what faith means... Numbers 16–17 Father read me 1–2 pages from his diary. On the same day, some events occurred that were related to what Father read to me. I will write about this later, God willing, because this is of great importance, and without Father’s blessing I don’t dare. September 15 was a beautiful moonlit night. When I came to Father’s blessing, Father told me that he would like to walk around the monastery, but that there was no opportunity for this. And Father remembered those times when on such wonderful nights he had the opportunity to walk around the monastery: “I felt good in my soul then, joyful and calm.” I walk around the monastery and then return to my cell. And my cell was always clean, a lamp shines in front of the icons, and a singing and jubilant night looks out the window, filling my cell with blue light... Yes, there are sometimes moments in life that cannot be conveyed in words. I cannot convey to you the bliss that I experienced then, you need to feel it yourself... And now it’s the same singing and jubilant night. Peace be with you. Walk with God. I left Father in a kind of quiet, good mood. Perhaps Father told me part of his feelings, lofty and holy, as far as they could be conveyed in words and as far as my soul could perceive them. Leaving Father, I walked quietly and fixed my gaze on the cross in front of the bell tower, bathed in moonlight. I fell in love with this picture. The oaks and pines stood motionless, receiving some special beauty from the moonlight. Everything was silent, in its silence singing a song of praise to Almighty God. And I stood silent and motionless, as if afraid to break this silence. Finally, I went to the cell and stood on the prayer rule - five hundred. On September 17, Father spoke a word at Matins, reminding us of where we were and why we came here. By the way, Father said that “the essence of our monastic life is the struggle with passions... and that one cannot arbitrarily walk the path of monastic life...” In the morning, when I came to Father for classes, Father said to me: – You entered the monastery through Saint Tryphon. This is a great thing. Of course, in his person St. acted with his prayers. Martyr Tryphon. You must pray to him every day. Perhaps you are some descendant of him; saints keep a vigilant eye on their offspring. After all, you know what grace was given to St. Martyr Tryphon. It protects from evil spirits. – But, Father, I read his life before my first visit to Optina. I liked it, but I didn’t like the part where it is said that the saint ordered the demon to appear in the face of a black dog, because I didn’t really believe it then. I had the most abstract and strictly immaterial concept of spirits. And this is what I remember now: when I lived with Fr. Kirill (died Hieroschemamonk Kyriakos), on my first visit to Optina, one of the belated visitors appeared. It was about 9-10 o'clock when he approached the hotel and saw that the door was locked. Then he knocked on my window and asked me to open it for him. I went to open it, but didn’t take any fire with me, and it was a dark spring night (it was Lent). I opened the door and was waiting for this guest to come to lock the door again, and suddenly I saw that the darkness seemed to separate from the darkness and move towards me, and enter the stairs in the form of a medium-sized black dog, tilting its head slightly to the side, it slowly steps with its paws along the steps and walks towards the door. I slammed the door in fear and everything disappeared. A few seconds later a guest came in; I, of course, didn’t say a word to him. “Lord,” said Father. “Lord,” and after a pause, he continued, “always slam the door when this dog comes to you.” And she will come, she will not leave you, she will come to you many more times... Today is my birthday according to the flesh, I turned 21 years old. Yesterday Father blessed me with the icon of the Image Not Made by Hands. On the 25th, when I was having a meal with Father, we began a conversation, and a lot of good things were said. Father told me to read now from “The Invisible War” about the four terrible and final temptations that occur before death. You need to know them and prepare for them... I started writing once, but didn’t finish it, maybe I’ll finish it today. On September 16–17, Father read me a little from his diary and said: - I wrote then every day and re-read my diary like this: let’s say August 20 or another date comes, and I take all my diaries and read what I thought, felt and did on the same date and month in other years. It's a great thing to watch... In 1888, on September 17, I had a dream that an Elder came into my room and, pointing at his watch, asked: I answer, looking at my watch: I'm even a little irritated: - In three years, on this day and hour, you will die. And I wake up, go to the window, pull back the curtain, take the clock standing on the table and look: it shows 35 minutes past six. I was amazed: these are the other dreams that correspond to reality. And I thought: I need to correct my life. Two years pass, the third is already coming to an end, the month of September has already arrived. So I'll die soon. Then I went to the Raifa hermitage. I arrived there on September 13, the day of the renovation of the Church of the Resurrection. It was Friday. September 14 - Elevation of the Cross, and then the cross was being raised to the new bell tower, and I thought: is it not my cross that is being raised? The 15th was Sunday. I prepared and on the 17th I received Holy Communion. Christ's Mysteries, but did not die. I came to my hotel room and thought: should I go to St. monastery? And he began to look for a place for himself. And on the same day, September 17, 1891, I received from Fr. Ambrose's blessing to enter the monastery (death to the world). This was his last blessing. Look how wisely everything happened. - All this foreshadowed what was ahead of me in my spiritual life: September 13 - the renewal of the church, this meant that I first needed to update my spiritual church. Then September 14 - Elevation of the Cross, i.e. that when the church is renovated, then a cross must be erected on it, the cross of spiritual life. This erection can be both general and private. It happens to every person, but many, having lived their entire lives, have not noticed anything like this. And finally, September 15 was Sunday, that is, when a cross was erected on my spiritual church, and the soul can only resurrect to spiritual life. Then Father spoke about the sorrows that he endured as a novice, and to which he responded in his soul like this: “I’d rather die than leave the monastery.” The monastery leader, Fr., was not disposed towards Father. Joseph, being provoked by the action of the devil by others. Knowing this, I asked: - How did you feel about Fr. Joseph? -I treated him like my boss, I took his blessing for everything, for example, to leave the monastery and go through. I just stopped revealing my thoughts to him, and began to reveal them to Fr. Benedict, and he decided to do this only with the blessing of Fr. Joseph. Today I slept until 7 o'clock and didn't even have time to subtract the hours. I asked Father over tea when we should go to Moscow, to which Father answered: - Yes, go on October 1 in the evening, on the eve of St. Cyprian and Justinia, to whom grace was given to protect from the battle of fornication and all carnal passions, and this lies ahead of you. On Sunday 27th Father told me: – If God wills it, and you take some kind of leadership position in the monastery, then know that this is a heavy cross. Father Ambrose said: “A simple monk needs a cartload of patience, but an abbot needs a whole convoy.” Then Father spoke about how to overcome passions in order to acquire purity of heart: for this it is necessary to read the lives of saints and modern ascetics, as living, vivid examples of this struggle with passions, and in general to read the patristic writings... Today I went with Ivanushka to Fr. archimandrite to go to Moscow for a blessing. He blessed and gave us a certificate. This evening we are planning to leave the monastery. I went to the monastery, to the shop and to the graves of the elders, and asked St. prayers. At 9 o'clock they served a prayer service to the Savior, the Mother of God, and St. John the Baptist, St. Nicholas, St. Cyprian and Justinia the Virgin and all the saints. Now I walked around the monastery. Silence in the monastery. You can even hear a leaf falling in the forest. And from this silence I am now going to go into the bustle and noise of Moscow city life. Here I am again at the monastery. Again the same pine trees look at me from above. Again the same space and silence... I’ll try to write everything down in order... On the morning of the 16th, Ivanushka and I went to the bishop. Tryphon. On the way we went to the Chapel of the Savior and the Kazan Cathedral... I spent the rest of the time at home. At parting, I read to my family my extracts from Abba Dorotheos, Bishop. Ignatius, etc. On the morning of the 17th, we arrived at the skete horse yard at 10 o'clock, got off the cart and went to see Father. There was a certain “Poselyanin” at the meal; Father told me about him before. I haven’t had a chance to talk properly with Father yet, more and more in fits and starts and even in public. But I often see that Father trusts me and loves me. When we were at ow. Tryphon, he asked us: - Well, how do you live there, how do you feel? I answered that everything was fine, thank God. “Yes,” continued the Bishop, “when Fr. Archimandrite and Fr. The abbot stopped with me on the way to the Lavra, I asked Fr. abbot about you. And I tell you, he treats you cordially. ...Now I don't have time to write everything down. At the end of the conversation, Father said: – Do you know, they say that we have a great ascetic in Optina who has the gift of inner prayer? – This is the blind novice, Fr. John. After tea I asked Father: – Can the Jesus Prayer exist in a passionate person? “Maybe,” Father answered, “maybe, but here’s how: in the first period of the prayer, the passion of Jesus, acting in a person, overcomes him, and in the second period, with any arousal of passion, a person overcomes passion.” Passion remains in a person until death, and dispassion can only be relative. We can see this from the fact that many ascetics (for example, St. Jacob), after spending their entire lives in ascetic endeavors, fell into sin. I remember that Blessed Nikolushka was in Kazan. He said, addressing people of good life: “How are the dead? Are they sleeping? I did not understand the meaning of these words then, and I understood them only here in the monastery, and I was surprised at the depth of their meaning. He called passions dead. The dead man lies, which means he exists, and has not disappeared, because we see him. Likewise, passion in someone who has undergone the feat of prayer and has already achieved inner prayer is like a dead person. – Is calmness of thought, i.e., attentiveness during prayer considered the first gift in any case, or does this only apply to the Jesus Prayer? The priest replied that only the Jesus Prayer. And when I came to the blessing and knelt down, Father himself began to say: – They ask how easier it is to escape? One only humbles himself and does not work, and the other only works all day long in all obediences, and the other humbles himself - they asked St. Barsanuphius the Great with this question, and he answered (I speak, of course, approximately to his words): “Child, you are not asking the question that way. The psalm says: “See my humility and my labor, and forgive all my sins...” From here it is clear that true humility never happens without work, and true work never happens without humility: one must necessarily be accompanied by the other, otherwise we will not receive any benefit. And if we both work and humble ourselves, as it is said in the psalm: “See my humility and my labor,” then we will receive a reward - the forgiveness of sins, as it is said: “And forgive all my sins.” Therefore, it is necessary to practice both.” Yesterday, Father and I again read about the Jesus Prayer. At the end of the conversation, Father commanded me to say the Jesus Prayer verbally and during military service, but to keep this secret, not revealing it to anyone, not teaching anyone, although, perhaps, good people will meet. “Now they decide this,” says Father, “pray, don’t pray, you still won’t achieve prayer.” Those days are now gone. This, of course, is an idea inspired by the devil. The Jesus Prayer is necessary to enter the Kingdom of Heaven. It is not useful for many to have inner prayer, for they can become proud of it. Therefore, God gives prayer to someone who prays, but who has not achieved inner prayer, gives it either before death, or even after death, for even after death the Jesus Prayer continues to grow. When I read this, I doubted; Do I understand this correctly? And he began to look for confirmation of this and found it in many of the works of St. fathers, as well as Paisius Velichkovsky. And now we also read it here (in the book “On the Caucasus Mountains”). This makes me very happy. Just returned from Matins. I’m thinking about resting a little, drinking tea and leaving for Kozelsk at seven o’clock for conscription. Now, thank God, there is no despondency or fear. Perhaps because I can’t even believe how I can leave, albeit temporarily, my dear monastery and Father. Yesterday at half an hour past six I went to see Fr. to the archimandrite, his first cell attendant, brother Theodore, was also called, and we went to Kozelsk together. Yesterday there was only a verification, but they kept us for a good while - 10 to 5 pm. Today at about 3 o'clock in the afternoon it was my turn to check in. I came out when they called me: the inspection began. They recognized the enlargement of the veins on my left leg, and I was enlisted in the 2nd category militia, that is, now I won’t have to serve. Father was so happy, he even asked again several times. Then, when we left, Father said: - It must be the bishop. Tryphon prayed for you. After the meal, many surrounded me and began to question me, I tried to answer each of their questions. Today I went to see Fr. Archimandrite for a blessing to continue monastic life. Outwardly nothing has changed, but still we have to prepare ourselves for monastic life. The trip to Moscow, all the expectations and thoughts, and especially the four-day stay in Kozelsk among the recruits, left some mark. But God willing, everything will go as usual again. Brother Kirill sent me a postcard and asked how I was doing. Save him, Lord, for his memory. On November 1, Ivanushka went to Moscow again for more dental treatment. And I sent my mother a letter informing me of my situation. Ivanushka arrived from Moscow. There was no need to talk to him; there was a vigil soon. Father serves. Yesterday at the vigil, Father spoke to us a word instead of a teaching. “Today,” said Father, “the Holy Church celebrates in honor of St. bodiless Heavenly Forces, in the face of which St. Archangel Michael occupies one of the first places. I remember, when I was still a new novice, there was some kind of holiday, and the monastery brethren were in the monastery. When everyone began to approach the cross after mass, I heard a man standing next to me, bending over to the boy, apparently his son, saying: - Look, the angelic order is coming. These simple words had a huge impact on me. Yes, indeed, a monk should be like an angel. St. John Climacus says that angels also fight together with monks, that is, that angels help a monk in the fight against passions and the devil. The former angel - Dennitsa, and now the rejected fallen evil spirit - the devil, everywhere and always tried and is trying to sow anger, enmity and all kinds of indignation. He instigated persecution of Christians, he gave birth to a mass of heresies, he created all sorts of unrest and disorder, and now he is trying to sow the same thing, and, alas, he often succeeds. News comes to me that one murmurs or grieves against another, and one is offended by another. People come to me with complaints. And what do I answer like that? Of course, one thing: we need to make peace; go, ask for forgiveness, bow... Some, unfortunately, hesitate, and sometimes a significant amount of time passes in hostility. This should not be so, honest fathers and brothers. A monk must be filled with love for God and neighbor. What is a monk? A monk is the fulfiller of all God's commandments. And all the commandments come down to two: 1) Love God with all your heart, with all your soul and with all your strength and 2) Your neighbor as yourself. These two commandments combine the entire law and commandments of God. Angels in heaven in love. The whole life of a monk should be love. Our great elders: Father Leo, Fr. Macarius, Fr. Ambrose, Fr. Anatoly – they really had this love. And what honor and glory they were awarded during their lifetime for this love can be seen from the following. When Father Fr. Anatoly, at the invitation of Fr. John of Kronstadt went for the cathedral service with him, and when the liturgy began, Fr. John saw that with Fr. Anatoly is served by two angels. It is not known whether Fr. himself saw them. Anatoly or not, but Fr. John saw them clearly... I considered it necessary to remind you on this very day about the high purpose of a monk... May there be harmony and love between us. An old man of advanced years, Fr. Hieroschemamonk Ignatius, who died 12 years ago, told me this: “In my time, the entire Optina brethren was distinguished by mutual agreement and love, and especially the hermits.” Let's try, brothers, and we will follow this... Sometimes some people express to me their desire for a higher monastic life, for higher feats. And what could be higher than forgiveness of insults, insults, patience with sorrows and brotherly weakness? You probably remember an incident from the life of St. Pachomia. A monk comes to him and says: “Abba, bless me, I want to give myself up to torture in order to have a martyr’s crown.” And St. Pachomius says: “Nor, father, I advise you to remain in the monastery, bear all the burdens of monastic life and the weaknesses of your brethren and renounce your will - and this will be counted against you as martyrdom.” You see, this means that every monk who endures everything complacently has a martyr’s crown. I really liked this word. Father said that humility and love are the highest virtues and should be the exclusive trait of every monk. I remember that 2-3 days before the call, Father spoke a lot about himself, mainly about monastic life. Father said how difficult it was for him when he was a monk, what persecutions he suffered: “I’m telling you all this to show that we need to rely only on God. Sometimes it was time to leave the monastery. But I decided: it’s better to die than to leave. I had firm hope in God and His Most Pure Mother... And who then could have thought that this despised novice in a few years would be the abbot of the monastery and an elder?.. It is not in vain that the psalm says: “Do not trust in princes, in the sons of men, for there is no salvation in them, but in God.” Only this firmness and faith helped me endure all this. But despite all these sorrows, the Lord inexpressibly consoled me. I loved reading St. fathers, and especially the Psalter, - and what depths were revealed to me. So I tell you: always trust only in God, and never in man. Then all evil will fall away from you like a cut off branch.” I would like to record one of my conversations with Father about the Jesus Prayer. I remember when I came to Father under the impression of what I read in the book “On the Caucasus Mountains,” Father said: – For a long time I could not understand what the connection of the mind with the heart is. Essentially speaking, this means uniting all spiritual forces together to direct them all towards God, which is impossible if they are separated. I see this law of unity not only in the Jesus Prayer, but everywhere. What beauty, for example, does a note or sound have, taken alone or in disorder? One might say none. But these same sounds in the works of brilliant composers allow us to perceive great power and beauty. I won’t talk about painting and others anymore... In our conversations with you I will not limit myself to this, I will go further. This is such a knot that no matter how much you untie it, it will still be a knot. The Jesus Prayer has no limits... The mind, when practicing reading St. Scripture, prayer and the like, is cleansed of passions and enlightened. When he is immersed only in earthly things, he becomes, as it were, incapable of understanding the spiritual. Passions are easy to overcome in thoughts, but when they turn into words and deeds and take root, it is very difficult, almost impossible... Father spoke a lot, but where can I remember everything, how to write everything down... On the third day, i.e. November 17, Father told us and Fr. Nikita, just like exactly twenty years ago, on November 17, 1889, he almost died. In August 1889, on the 26th–28th, Father visited Fr. for the first time. Ambrose. In response to Father’s desire to enter the monastery, Fr. Ambrose advised him to serve until retirement, that is, to serve for another two years, and then act, but for now, live in the world pleasing to God and before the Nativity Fast, that is, from August to November 15, say four times. This seemed strange and incomprehensible to Father: why is this? But everything was done, and on November 17, Father suddenly felt ill, they sent for a doctor and a priest: “And the thought tells me: you’re going to die now.” I only prayed to God for one thing: to commune with St. Tain. The horror of death took possession of me. Finally the priest arrives. He started confessing me, I couldn’t say anything, just “sinful”, “sinful”. The priest asked me a few questions, gave me permission and introduced me. I calmed down, although the doctor said that I would hardly live to see the morning. I lay down on the bed, they covered me with a blanket, and I was left alone. Suddenly I heard, as if some voice from heaven: “Don” - this was struck at matins in the nunnery, and in my soul someone said: “You will be alive...” I became scared and fell asleep. In the morning my orderly comes and carefully lifts the blanket from my head, thinking to see me already dead, and I tell him: The orderly was delighted and said: – Are you alive, Your Highness? I answer, although after that I lay there for two months, struggling with death. I asked to open the day's Gospel and read it to me. Alexander took it and began to read the parable about the barren fig tree: “In the coming summer you will cut it off, lest it produce fruit.” I thought that I really was a barren fig tree, although I had previously thought that I had various virtues, because I was good in appearance. And I decided to change my life. I expected death the next year on this day, but I remained alive, and now twenty years have passed since that time... I was with Father all morning before the meal. Father went to the monastery for some reason, it seems to Fr. Archimandrite. Upon returning from the monastery, Father told me that he had received a letter from Moscow from his former girlfriend Samarina. She belongs to the highest aristocracy. When she was with Father, she said that her leg hurt with an incurable disease, and that all the doctors in Moscow refused to cure her. This went on for what seemed like eight years. Father advised her to go to St. Tikhon. She went and sent a letter saying that she was healed in two days. Today I read for a day. Father served with Fr. Nectarius. After the funeral service, Father said a short word, reminding us of our high monastic rank, especially of keeping the commandments: love, obedience, non-covetousness. As a high example of the fulfillment of these virtues, Father pointed us to our great late elders, Fr. Macarius and Fr. Ambrose, whose memory we honor today (baptismal angel day). Again Father blessed me to read their biographies. Today, the cell attendant, Fr., came to see Father for the second time. Hilarion is the compiler of the book “On the Caucasus Mountains”. He brought with him a boy of about 18 years old with a request to accept him into our monastery. By the way, I’ll already write down the words of St. Simeon the New Theologian about the inner Jesus Prayer: “If someone does not unite with the Lord Jesus here on earth, then he will never unite with him.” Father and I read this in the book “On the Caucasus Mountains”, in the place where they talk about the need for the Jesus Prayer. “These are terrible words,” Father said when I was still a novice. I began to look for confirmation of this, because only St. Simeon says this. And I remembered the text of the Gospel: “Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.” If you rearrange the words, it comes out like this: Only the pure in heart will see God. And the inner Jesus prayer is the union of the mind and heart to strive towards God...” I don’t remember Father’s words exactly, and therefore I’m afraid to write boldly, as I might write something incorrectly. Yesterday evening we spent a long time doing business with Father. Only at the end did Father tell about himself how the Lord protected him from the female sex in the world, how he did not allow him to get married, although there were many brides... “I remember when I was little,” Father said, “we had a painting in the house.” It depicted the following: Peter the Great was standing, and in front of him on his knees was a young man, next to whom stood his father, sentenced to exile to Siberia for some crime. This young man asks Peter I to free his father, because he is old, will not be able to endure hard work, and besides, his family needs him. “They went to Siberia better than me instead of my father, for I am young, strong and free,” said the young man. Peter the Great shed tears and answered: “I release this father because he has such a son.” So my father told me about this picture and taught me to pray for him. And in general he taught me to pray: he would take me and put me with him and order me to read “Theotokos”, “The King of Heaven” and something else. He taught me to read Psalm 90, and I then learned it by heart in one day. Of course, I still pray for him every day... Now I have returned from Father. Very tired. Father told me about the late Fr. Anatoly, the great elder: “He loved God as only it was possible to love Him.” And this was felt by everyone who came to him... Yesterday at the vigil, Father spoke a word about external and internal monasticism. He spoke well. Pointing to the teachings of St. Abba Dorotheus as wonderful, teaching us external and internal monasticism. Here Ave. Dorofey teaches how to connect one thing to another. Inner monasticism is the cleansing of the heart from passions with the assistance of the Jesus Prayer. The Lord has vouchsafed me to receive St. Christ's Mysteries. I remember Batyushkin’s conversation about Mr. Pogozhev, better known under the pseudonym “Poselyanina”. He writes articles of spiritual and moral content. “You can’t imagine what a huge difference there is between his present face and his former one.” Nothing in common... I remember he was at our monastery during a meal 15-17 years ago. I sat in the corner near the portrait of Fr. Paisiy Velichkovsky, and he sat in the first place next to the hieromonk. I fell in love with him. Don’t think that I’m talking about physical beauty, no, I’m talking about the inner beauty that came out in the expression of his face and even in all his movements. It was summer, the windows in the dining room were open. He was sitting right in front of the window, with his back to the reader. I remember that the second or third was already served, he ate two or three spoons, and, putting down the spoon, fixed his gaze out the window, and I felt that he was looking at the church, at the wonderful pine trees, then higher and higher into the blue skies with the thought of the great and infinite God. I thought then: “Lord, what must the inner world of this man be like?... Until then, I already knew him from his works, and then I simply fell in love with him. I asked Fr. Joseph's blessing to meet him, and Fr. Joseph sent him to my cell, and there we had our first and last conversation... So I tell him now that he was with me: – Do you remember our conversation then? “Oh, yes, I have it all here,” he pressed his hands to his heart. – Remember, I then spoke about internal or, as it is sometimes called, mystical monasticism, which you actually like... So come to our monastery, it’s not too late for you. But don’t think that you immediately need to fly to heaven and resurrect the dead. No, first you need to exercise in external monasticism, to step over it, but you cannot immediately proceed to the internal, you need to endure all sorts of sorrows, humiliation and embitterment, both within yourself from the devil, and externally from your unreasonable brethren. First you need to go through the whole test. Sometimes you will even feel disgust and hatred for monastic life. You need to experience the struggle with passions, acquire a humble opinion of yourself, and much more. Come to our monastery, I will give you a cell. Will you go out at night to admire the wonderful starry sky... And judge for yourself what the world has brought to you? What benefit will you get from it? - Fine. Now I will come to the monastery. Well, if I go to the monastery, they will force me to carry logs, but I can’t do that... - No, they won’t force you to carry logs, first of all, because you won’t be able to lift a single log. Obedience is always given in accordance with one's strength... – You see, this is where he has a wild concept of monastic life, although he has been writing about monasticism all his life. Why? - because he did not have personal experience of monastic life. When Father finished speaking, I asked: – What should be classified as external and what should be considered internal monasticism? – The bishop worked a lot on this issue. Ignatius, and Bishop. Feofan. Ep. Ignatius wrote a separate article about this in the second volume, and Bishop. Feofan a separate book “Inner Life”. External monasticism is an exercise in deeds: fasting, vigil, this also includes attendance at church services that are correct in appearance, sobriety, etc. And internal monasticism is a struggle with passions, purification of the heart. I’ll write down some of Father’s words. I remember one day, before the evening prayers, Father said this: – For a long time I did not understand the words of the psalm: “The voice of the Lord visiting the flame of fire,” and already in the monastery I thought this: on earth we have fire, the flame of which has both heat and light. But between hell and heaven, the fire is divided like this: light is in heaven and cheers the righteous, and heat without any light burns sinners in hell, for it is written that the abyss of hellish flame is in darkness, and even the sinner cannot see anyone else... Lord, save and have mercy. Punish whatever you want, Lord, here, just have mercy there. Now Ivanushka has arrived. He is in a very dangerous position: he still wants to leave, he doesn’t know where, he said that he was going to Mount Athos. But I think that this is simply an enemy temptation. He latched on to one idea: if you don’t get benefits in a certain place, then look for another. May the Lord save him. Last night I stayed with Father until half an hour past midnight. While Father was listening to the evening prayers, I went to the prayer room to celebrate Pentecost, when suddenly Father quickly called me to him and said this: – Hellish torments undoubtedly exist, and these torments will be material. The souls of the righteous and sinners even have clothes. For example, the saints appeared in holy robes. There, perhaps, there will be cities, etc. Everyone sees hellish torment in the conditions of earthly existence, only there will not be this gross body, but a more subtle one, like a gaseous one. But all this will happen before the Last Judgment, and no one knows what will happen after it, not even the angels. It's a secret... ...Recently Father took me to the icons and said: “Let’s pray,” they prayed, and Father again: – You have a natural love of peace... Develop it in a spiritual direction. You can make a good monk. ...Save, Lord, and have mercy on Father. Spent the day at Father's doing some written work. It's already 12 o'clock - midnight. At the end we talked a little. Father expressed to me his most sincere feelings of fatherly love and suddenly added: - That’s what Fr. Anatoly, the great elder, was somehow especially disposed towards me. Perhaps he suspected that I would be in his place, both an elder and the head of the monastery. After all, his prophecies are still coming true... Then I began to get dressed to go to my cell, and Father said: – Don’t think that you got here by accident. No, your entry into the monastery is deeply providential. What would I do without you? Of course, things would work out, but not like that... It was a wonderful, quiet, clear frosty night. At about 8 o'clock I went to bed, at about 12 o'clock I got up and went to see Father. The priest decided not to go to the monastery, but to celebrate Matins at home. Both cell attendants, Fr. Kuksha and I stayed with Father. Having said Matins, we parted ways. Mass began at 7 o'clock. After mass, I went, as usual, to the meal, from the meal to the elders at the graves. Then to Father, he put him to rest, and he went to his cell, lit the stove, entrusted it to Ivanushka and went to prepare common tea. After general tea, back to Father, he gave me the book “On the Caucasus Mountains”, I read it until Vespers. Arriving before the bell for Vespers, I sat down, saying a prayer, and my soul became calm... After Vespers, I went to the meal and to Father. Father will serve again tomorrow. And now I’m in my cell. A lamp is burning in front of the images. Quiet all around. For everything, thank God. So Ivanushka seemed to come to his senses. Yesterday morning I came to Father after tea. We talked a little. Father spoke about the difficulties of salvation in modern times. “And you,” said Father, “chose the good part.” I would like to see you in your cassock and robe, but I don’t know if I’ll be alive. But we didn’t have to talk for long. Father lay down to rest for a while, and I sat down to read “Fatherland” by Bishop. Ignatius Brianchaninova. – You did well to start reading this book. It is composed as follows: ep. Ignatius wrote out what answered the monastic questions of concern. From this point of view, this work is irreplaceable. Many confusions are immediately resolved by some kind of extract. Father told me this when he got up. Then confessors, nuns, beggars, and boys began to arrive, and then it was time for the meal. The other part of the day passed quickly after the meal, for there was Compline and Vigil. I had a conversation with Father... “When my mother died, I didn’t go to bury her, I was already in the monastery, and I entrusted everything to one trusted person to do everything. After her funeral, they sent me a thousand rubles, and I decided to give this money to Fr. Joseph for eternal remembrance of his parents. I was already a ryassophore then. I don’t know why, I was added to the main table, as it should be based on the amount of the contribution, just after Fr. Joseph. And I, and everyone, of course, heard how they always remembered: “Hieromonk Joseph, Monk Paul” and so on. And now a thought says to me: - You will be a boss and an elder after him, you will be his successor... - How can I be one when I am humiliated by everyone, despised, persecuted and incapable due to eye disease? Years pass, I remain the same poor novice... Years pass, the Japanese war comes, and I go to war, as assigned for obedience, and I say to my thoughts: - Well, how will I be an old man? When will I return? Then the war ends, and I return to the monastery. When I arrive at the monastery, I find out that Fr. Joseph is so ill that it seems he won’t even live to see the morning... And indeed, I am appointed confessor, elder and head of the monastery. So I tell you that there is nothing accidental in our life. Even what seems like a trifle has its own meaning... But if I had not been the head of the monastery, you would not have been accepted into the monastery... I never told anyone, but I’ll tell you: when I was with Fr. Barnabas, he predicted a lot for me, and a lot has already come true. He told me: - Everyone will bow to you. You will live and say the Jesus Prayer. I left Father’s, walking under the impression of the conversation, and around me there was a singing and jubilant night. Quiet and clear. The full moon illuminates our secluded hermitage. Everything shines and triumphs. Pines and all the trees, covered with white frost, stand motionless in their attire, glorifying God in their silence; both churches: both the old and the new - they look like palaces, bathed in moonlight... Everything is very good... The main patronal holiday is the monastery. I was at the blessing of water, then at mass. Served Fr. archimandrite. When Father went to rest, he told me: - Yes, everything that St. teaches. Church, truth. And afterlife torments exist. And now, at the blessing, I told Father that I notice absent-mindedness and carelessness in myself. When I said this, Father pressed my head to his chest, put his hand and covered it with his half-mantle, and, making the sign of the cross over me and my head, read Psalm 90, “Alive in the help of the Most High.” It has now struck 12 o'clock. Midnight. I just returned from Father. First we wrote letters, and then we talked. By the way, Father said that in his position, that is, the elder and Abba of the monastery, he notices not only daily, but hourly the machinations of the enemy, from which only the Lord can protect. Ivanushka wants to leave again. Father told me today: - Let's cry and pray for him. And I became afraid for him. And after the meal, when Father lay down to rest, he told me: - Don’t leave, we’ll live together. Ivanushka came and didn’t let me write anything down. He stubbornly insists on his desire to leave the monastery. On the 19th, the day of remembrance of St. Macarius, I was with Father before lunch. Father sat down on the sofa and sat me down next to him, just under the portrait of Fr. Macaria. I read the book “On the Caucasus Mountains”. This book was written with the aim of clarifying for those who want to engage in the Jesus Prayer the path of its passage, purpose and fruits. By the way, I read a place there that it is good to work on the path of prayer, contemplating the “uncreated beauty” of God in silence, moving away from all vanity. This place is very deep, and I read it to Father. The priest replied that this was probably from the works of St. Macarius (19th conversation). On the 21st, when I came to Father for classes in the morning, he blessed me and asked: – What saint is commemorated today? Ave. Maximus the Confessor? – Did you pay attention to the kontakion of this saint? -Give me the psalter. Read. - “The tri-illuminated light that has entered your soul, the vessel chosen to show you, most blessed...” “It talks about the Jesus Prayer,” Father interrupted my reading, “now read on.” - “...the Divine is the end of inconceivable understandings, you say, blessed one, and the Trinity, Maxima, clearly preach to all, ever-present, without beginning.” - Well, now it’s clear why Fr. Ambrose always had works of St. under his pillow. Maximus the Confessor. His creations are very deep and mysterious. “It used to be like this: whoever noticed that the monastery needed him would humble himself more than anyone else, but now, as soon as they notice that he is needed, they will become proud and cannot be touched. “Yes, now it becomes clear to me how the elder and the disciple lived unanimously before.” As the elder spoke to the disciple, so I am only speaking to you. Deep truth. The student must always be with the elder, who must know and feel everything that the student breathes and experiences. In a crowded environment this is impossible. Is it not because such a devoted student as Bishop. Ignatius left his elder, Fr. Leo? On the evening of January 27, Ivanushka left for Moscow. What will the bishop say? Tryphon? That evening, Father and I first wrote letters, etc., and then talked. Father spoke about passions and especially about fornication, that fornication and love of money are equally strong, no one is immune from them, although, of course, each age corresponds predominantly to one passion. Among the old, it is usually stinginess and love of money, and among the young, fornication. On the evening of the 28th I asked Father: “You told me that the Jesus Prayer should be said during a church service only when you can’t hear what is being read, or when the reader is bad, so it’s hard to understand.” The same applies to singing. When you told me this, you specifically mentioned that Fr. Ambrose. But I read from Bishop. Ignatius and Rev. Seraphim of Sarov, that one must say the Jesus Prayer during the service all the time. Here I feel a disagreement, and therefore I want to understand how to reconcile both of these teachings? – First of all, everyone teaches from their own personal experience, except for Fr. Ambrose, that’s what Fr. taught. Archimandrite Moses and Fr. Macarius. And undoubtedly they were experienced and had inner prayer. Then, one is appropriate for a beginner, the other for one who has already acquired inner prayer. To someone who has inner prayer, prayer is as natural and natural as breathing. No matter what he does, his prayer proceeds spontaneously, internally. So during church services he prays, although at the same time he listens to what they sing and read. A disciple of one elder did not understand this and asked him to explain how it is so: he listens and prays. - Tell me, brother, what are we doing now? - Yes. Tell me, does the fact that we are breathing interfere with our conversation? - Well, prayer also comes from those who have acquired inner prayer. It is as natural to them as breathing. Therefore it is said: “Let prayer adhere to your breath.” Even when a person sleeps, the prayer action does not stop in his heart with the words: “I sleep, but my heart watches.” But we don't have this. We wake up and don't even have the name of the Lord Jesus on our lips. Now I’ll talk about services. Our prayer has not yet received such collective power. Our thoughts do not yet have concentration. We cannot yet delve so deeply into the Jesus Prayer, and therefore, during the service, if we do the prayer, we will not listen well to what they read and sing, and in the prayer itself we will be overshadowed by absent-mindedness, and it will turn out that we are not attached to either one or the other. And nothing will come of it. It is easier to listen to the words of what is read and sung than to protect yourself from theft of thoughts during the Jesus Prayer. Therefore, follow this rule. Of course, sometimes it happens that it is more useful for a person to pray than to listen to the service, due to some internal circumstances. You need to have some reasoning here. Father said this very well, but I am not able to convey everything as it was said. I also told Father that vainglorious thoughts came to me, that I would either be an elder, or an abbot, etc. “Yes, I thought so too,” Father answered, “you shouldn’t wish for this, but, of course, anything can happen, and the Lord will put you in this place, and perhaps He will hide you somewhere in a cell.” But forgive me for God's sake, I consider the latter higher. – Every person needs to endure a time of temptation and struggle - a severe painful state... Whoever has not experienced these diseases that are born before the monastery in the world, then he needs to experience them in the monastery. And this will happen to you, because you have not experienced this in the world. Then, when he lay down to rest, Father said: “You see what crucibles a monk has to go through on his monastic path from beginning to end. This is where the Jesus Prayer is needed, and without it not a single soul can survive. As long as I am alive, as long as the Lord keeps me alive, there will be nothing for you, but when I am gone, you will be left to your own devices. So please be patient in advance. And by contemplating all this, do not be embarrassed or discouraged. Open Theodore the Studite Ave. and you will see that all this happened then. Now be patient. Repeatedly I heard from Father how he told me and others: – Hypocrisy, duality, and deceit are generally sinful, but on the monastic path it is destruction. We must firmly follow the path, not turn anywhere, not serve both ours and yours. Yesterday I received a letter from Ivanushka, which I burned, because he did not want anyone to know what was written there. I showed it to my father. He writes that he will not return to Optina, he is going to Athos with the blessing of the bishop. Tryphon. All this time there was a lot of training on various reports, which had never been required before. There was so much work that now I don’t remember anything that could be written down. Now Father told me about how he endured sorrows when he was a novice, reasoning like this: “I must be worthy of all these sorrows.” This means that they are all needed to wash away pride and other passions from me. Father endured sorrows, without telling anyone about them, without complaining, trying not to become embittered at the offenders. It is not enough just to endure insults; you must also take care not to become embittered towards the offender. Now I came from Father. He revealed his thoughts. First he told me his mistakes that happened during the day, then he said that sometimes the thought comes, especially during the service, on the rule that monastic life is bleak, it goes on day after day, and the main thing is that there is nothing to expect ahead, all the same services, the same meal, etc. “This is one of the most poisonous thoughts,” said Father. – A monk must always be in the throes of birth until he reaches the measure of the age of Christ’s fulfillment. And while our old man is still alive, he makes himself known through all sorts of passions, melancholy, despondency... and what is now burdensome for such a person will later be a great consolation for him, for example, going to services and matins. Then the psalm word will be applicable to such a person: “We rejoiced at those who said to me: Let us go to the house of the Lord.” Then everything in him will be filled with light and joy in the Lord. You did well to tell me this thought, it pecked at many, and so they left the monastery... I have been very busy all these days, sometimes I would need to write something down, but I don’t have time. “Sometimes it happens,” I tell Father, “that when I read something, I just can’t understand what I’m reading—I’m not talking about the internal meaning, but about the external one.” It’s like some kind of fog will find you: you read, re-read, and can’t understand anything. “Then you need,” answered Father, “close the book, sit down and say a hundred Jesus prayers.” You can stand up, and even bow down, or you can walk around the monastery with the Jesus Prayer. February 28. Forgiveness Sunday All these days I spent the night with Father. Father once said: – The entrance to heaven, to eternal bliss, is opened not by our labors and good deeds, but by the merits and atoning sacrifice of the Savior Christ our God. First of all, this is accomplished through the sacrament of baptism, by which the original sin of Adam is washed away, and a person becomes capable of accepting the Divine grace of the Lord Jesus Christ, by which we are introduced into eternal life. And our good deeds, that is, fulfilling the Gospel commandments, are needed only as proof of our love for the Lord, for it is said in the Gospel: “He who loves Me, will keep My commandments.” Without love for the Lord, bliss is impossible, you cannot enter heaven, they will definitely ask: “Did you love the Lord?” - “Loved.” - “How will you prove this?” - “According to my strength, as much as I could, I fulfilled the commandments of God, which are proof of love.” - “Well, go.”) And if the entrance to paradise was not opened by the merits of the Savior, then pagans, Mohammedans, Jews, etc. could not enter it. Therefore, we must rely not on our own works, but on the mercy of God... “One thought constantly stands before me,” said Father, “how can I save my soul?” There is nothing good in me. You know everything: I receive letters of gratitude, and I personally receive gratitude. But I have nothing to do with it. This is the grace of God acting on them through me through their faith... And I thank God that at least this awareness of my sinfulness exists. And I hope that in His mercy the Lord will save me: He will not despise a contrite and humble heart. I also take comfort in the words of Fr. Anatoly - the great elder: “Sinful Anatoly has nothing, unless someone sighs for him to God?” And I sincerely ask everyone to pray for me and I ask you: pray. I compare myself with my predecessors – the elders Fr. Makariy, Fr. Ambrose, Fr. Anatoly, and I see all my insignificance, but believe me, I don’t care about others... I visited Father several times. He came one day when Father had just finished confession. “I’m very tired,” said Father. – It’s as if you’re doing nothing: you’re sitting and resolving your sins, that’s what it may seem like from the outside. But in reality it’s not like that: confession is very tiring. If the Lord grants you, then be convinced of this from personal experience. During Matins I listened to prayers for confession, like all the brethren. By the evening I get tired during the day, and my legs get tired. The most difficult fast in the monastery is the 1st week of St. Great Lent. But even this, by the grace of God, is not particularly burdensome for me. In addition, it helps to realize that these days are great, that it cannot be otherwise. And I am surprised at what I did before, breaking the holy fast, not understanding and not recognizing its holiness and necessity. I often heard from Father that “every evil comes from intemperance”, that “fasting stimulates prayer”, “we know the power of fasting and its meaning at least from the fact that it is somehow especially hateful to the enemy: “They come to me for advice and confession - I advise you to observe holy fasts. They agree with everything, but when it comes to fasting: I don’t want to, I can’t, etc. The enemy is so excited, he doesn’t want the holy fasts to be observed.” All these days I spent the night with Father, and spent almost whole days there, only coming to the cell for two hours. Maybe I would have written something down, but there was absolutely no time. Today I will spend the night in my cell. Yesterday Father said that we will live to see terrible times, but that God’s grace will cover us. He said this under the impression of conversations about the latest inventions, which, although they have good sides, always turn out to be more harmful than useful. I also remember Father saying: – Hypnosis, that is, the discovery did a lot. Of course, it was there before, but now everyone knows about it. Judging by all the discoveries, I think the end is not far... I received a letter from Ivanushka from Athos, and my heart began to beat and I felt pity for him. He wrote from the Panteleimon Monastery that, among other things, he was very ill. Today I spent all the time before lunch with Father. Yesterday we did ordinary, but very necessary things. One day I told Father: – As long as you are alive, I can always ask what to read and how to read. Well, when you are gone, what then? What should I read and in what order should I read it? After all, there is no one to turn to. So I wanted to ask you about this, can you tell me the reading order? – Nothing can be certain here. The general rule is this: first you need to read books that teach about the active life, and then about the contemplative life... The Lord Himself will teach you... I attended mass in the monastery, as is customary for everyone. I'm a little tired from the long service. After the monastery meal, I went to see Father. After blessing the brethren, Father spoke a little. I liked how, by the way, Father said that when he was little, about 7-8 years old, he really liked the life of St. Malchus, whose memory is on March 26. One day, after reading this life, his father told him that if he loved God, the Lord would save him from visible and invisible enemies. And on the same day, March 26, Father was tonsured into the ryassophore. I wrote almost the whole day, but still snatched some time to go to the rubbish room. Now I came from Father. In the end, Father told me this: - Humble yourself, humble yourself. All science, all the wisdom of life lies in these words: “Humble yourself and save me, Lord.” Humble yourself and endure everything. Learn humility and patience, and have peace in your soul. Believe me, whoever has peace in his soul will find heaven in hard labor... April. April 16. Great heel Today I, a sinner, have been honored with tonsure as a ryassophore. I would like to describe everything in detail, but I can’t today, God willing, later, if I’m alive. Today is the memory of St. martyrs Agapia, Irene and Khione. April 20. Bright Tuesday Again Ivanushka came to us and was accepted into the monastery. Yesterday was a quiet day, thank God. Spring is in full swing. The trees are blossoming, the bushes are already turning tender green, and the green carpet has long been spread across the monastery. Birds are singing, butterflies are fluttering, and in general all nature has come to life. I’m still going to describe the tonsure into the Rassophore and I can’t find the time to describe at least part of it. On the morning of April 10, I came to Father and received his blessing to go to the monastery at the clock, after which my tonsure was scheduled. So, I went, and Brother Hilarion, later the monk Irenaeus, went with me from the monastery. There were two of us from the skete: he and I. We went to the graves of the elders. At 9 o'clock they struck the clock. They celebrated in the Kazan Cathedral. After hours we went to the Church of St. Mary of Egypt, where everything was already prepared for tonsure. Soon Fr. came. archimandrite. We began to take turns approaching the blessing. When everyone received the blessing, Fr. The archimandrite asked us: “Do you want to be tonsured as a ryassophore? “- To this we answered that we wish. Then the rite of tonsure began. Brother Myron (later Melchizedek) walked in front of me, and Brother Mitrofan followed me. The archimandrite spoke to us. The main thing he drew our attention to was humility and elder leadership. Everyone went from the church to the monastery to see Father. I also approach the exit from the church, and here stands Brother Ignatius (the young canonarch), a monastic novice, and congratulates me. This was the first congratulation after Fr. Archimandrite. I bowed to him and said: “God bless him,” and moved on. It was necessary to go to the Rukholnaya for a kamilavka... From the Rukholnaya we quickly went to the graves of the elders to receive a blessing, and then caught up with the monastic ones. We came to the monastery. The goalkeeper Fr. meets us (me and Fr. Hilarion) at the gate. Alexey. He congratulated us. We entered the monastery, I bowed to the ground and went to Father. Here the entire monastic brethren congratulated me. I was very glad that I was not late, and together with everyone else I went in to see Father. Everyone came in and knelt down. Father said: “Put three bows.” Then he began to pray. Then Father began his word: “I told you before and I repeat now: humility is everything.” If there is humility, everything is there; if there is no humility, there is nothing. You received the Rassophor. This is not some kind of promotion, as, for example, in the world when they give an officer rank. There, the recipient considers it his duty to be proud of this promotion. But this is not the case with us. On the monastic banner are written the words: “Whoever wants to be first must be a servant of all.” Humble yourself and humble yourself. Now you will be more comforted by the grace of God, but the enemy will also embitter you. Remember how you entered the monastery, what obstacles the enemy built for you to prevent you from entering St. monastery But God wanted you to enter a monastery, and the enemy seemed to weaken his fight against you, and you began to be more comforted by the grace of God. And now the enemy will attack you again with greater force. Therefore, I warn you - be prepared for sorrows and temptations. We must endure everything. I don't remember anymore now. Then Father greeted us with tonsure, and began to bless us not according to seniority, but who stood in what position. And when he blessed everyone, he wished us every success and told us to come to Fr. Joseph for a blessing, which we did. O. Joseph only blessed and gave leaves. Next, I bowed to the ground at the church, went and met Fr. Nectaria and Fr. John the Sexton, they both congratulated me very kindly, but I don’t remember the words. And finally, I came to my cell, bowed from the waist and bowed to the ground, and thanked the Creator for His mercy towards me. Due to our weakness, we sat down at the table to refresh ourselves with tea, bread, cucumbers and cabbage. Soon I was left alone with Father... - Father, about a year and a half or two ago you gave me, at my request, pieces of paper with the poem: “The Jesus Prayer.” I say: “Why so much?” And you answered me: “I want you to follow this path, that is, the Jesus Prayer.” Then I tell you: “You gave me these leaves and told me to follow this path, and I was dressed in a cassock on January 29, the day of remembrance of St. Ignatius the God-Bearer." And you answered me: “You will see more than these.” - Really, I completely forgot about it. Of course, a special grace is now working on you... So continue the path of the Jesus Prayer... I have already told you that monasticism is external and internal. You cannot ignore the external, but you cannot be satisfied with it alone either. External monasticism can be likened to plowing the earth. No matter how much you plow, nothing will grow if you sow nothing. So inner monasticism is sowing, and millet is the Jesus Prayer, which illuminates the entire inner life of a monk, gives him strength in struggle, especially necessary when enduring sorrows and temptations... Then here's another thing. On Holy Saturday before Bright Matins I was near Father. So Father tells me: – You may have noticed that I have now become stricter towards you. To me, when I was tonsured into the ryassophore, Fr. Anatoly once said this: “Now a new life begins for you. And what direction and mood a monk gives himself during the first time after being tonsured as a ryassophore will remain with him until his grave.” “That’s how it is,” I say, “and I thought that real monastic life begins with tonsure into the mantle.” – Yes, the time of tonsure as a ryassophore is of great importance in the life of a monk. Therefore, you now need to be especially attentive to yourself and avoid ridicule, I’m telling you this. May. May 1st. Fomina Saturday Yesterday a vigil was held at Father's. Today I went to early mass at the monastery, and now I have just returned from the procession to the Paphnutian Well. The weather is wonderful. Everyone is rejoicing. There's not a cloud in the sky. Skeet is simply a joy. Beauty. The day passed quietly. Read by Rev. Mark-ascetic. On Monday evening, May 3, Father left me with him. Father said that when he was a novice, persecuted and despised by everyone, his mood was more joyful and brighter than now... Now he has to read other books - books of human souls. Then Father told me: – Don’t listen to the enemy who tells you that the time is ahead when you will really take up reading. It is now for you that the teaching itself comes. One day Father asked me: – When were you tonsured into the ryassophore? - Holy Martyr. Irina, Agapia and Chionia. – Agapia – love, Irina – peace, Chionia – snowy. - This means that you must have, according to the word of the apostle, peace and holiness with everyone. In addition to these virtues of peace and love, one must be cleansed of passions, Chionia means snowy. So you need to cleanse your soul so that it is snow-white, as it is said in the psalm: “I will be whiter than snow.” What's next? “My ears hear joy and joy.” This is a foretaste of bliss as purification occurs, and then “humble bones will rejoice.” There is a subtle sequence here in the psalms... One day the other day Father said to me: “The Lord brought you here. As if you are for Optina, and Optina is for you...” On Friday, May 14, Ivanushka wrote a letter to Father, and I gave this letter. After reading it, Father called this letter terrible and decided that it was better for Ivanushka to live in Moscow, of course, in a monastery. And the other day they served a farewell prayer service, then a memorial service for the elders, and yesterday Ivanushka left. I feel sorry for him. I don’t remember well whether I have approximately these words of Father written down or not: – Will I live to see the time when you will be in the robe? Yes... and then I would say: “Now you are releasing Your servant, Master...” All this proves Father’s great love for me. I have some time, I’ll write down what I wanted. On October 26, 1909, I stayed with Father, and we began to read the book “On the Caucasus Mountains” about the Jesus Prayer, the necessity of which Father recognizes. We started a conversation, I said almost nothing, but only listened. – The word of the Psalm is a threefold repetition of the words: “They have bypassed me and in the name of the Lord they resisted them” (Ps. 117 v. 10-12) is fully understood by those who do the Jesus Prayer, even if no one explained it to them... This is one of the clearest places about the Jesus Prayer, of which there are many in the Psalter... The languid, often joyless state that precedes receiving the inner Jesus Prayer does not necessarily happen to everyone... But the general order of acquiring the Jesus Prayer is that it is achieved through labor and sorrow, among which there is a languid state of spirit. – In Kazan, when I was still in military service, Metropolitan Anatoly of St. Petersburg sent me a book that had just been published: “Frank Stories of a Wanderer.” I read it and said to myself: “Here is another way of salvation, the shortest and most reliable - the Jesus Prayer. We must take this into account." I got myself a rosary and began the Jesus Prayer. Soon various sounds began, rustling, banging on the wall, window, etc. phenomena. Not only I heard them, but also my orderly. I became scared to spend the night alone, I began to call my orderly. But these intimidations did not stop, and after four months I could not stand it and quit practicing the Jesus Prayer. Then I asked about. Ambrose about this. He told me that I shouldn’t have quit. This morning Father took the Bible, opened the 3rd book of Ezra and, pointing to the place marked with a blue pencil, said to me: “Read.” I read: “for the age has lost its youth and the times are approaching old age: for the age is divided into twelve parts and nine parts thereof and half a tenth part” (chap. 14, 10-12). Father closed the Bible and began to say: – In general, this book is mysterious. Many have made calculations, and for most the end falls on our time, that is, on the 20th century... Under St. Pentecost was celebrated with a vigil at Father's. During the rule, Father talked with us a little after reading the synaxarion. By the way, Father explained to us what the words of the psalm mean: “Create lightning and rain.” By lightning we mean God’s wrath against people for their fall into sin in the person of the forefather Adam. And this anger continued until the incarnation of Christ the Savior, when grace was given to people, which in the psalm is called “rain.” Here is a brief summary of Father's conversation. On the day of the Holy Spirit we talked with Father about the Jesus Prayer. It started with him asking me a question: – What is the sign of God’s Providence for man? I didn't know how to answer. Then Father began to say: – The incessant sorrows sent by God to man are a sign of God’s special providence for man. The meaning of sorrows is many different: they are sent to suppress evil, or for admonition, or for greater glory... But acquiring internal prayer is necessary... Oral prayer alone is not enough, and very few receive internal prayer. So some say: “What is the point of praying? What's the use? “Great, but don’t leave her.” Hieromonk Michael was in our monastery. He said prayer, I know this, although I did not enter into any relationship with him. When he died and everyone left his cell, I turned to him and said: “Father, Father. Pray for me." And suddenly I see: he smiled. At first I was scared, and then nothing. And it was such a smile that I will never forget... He read the Psalter... I went up to the lectern, took the psalter and unfolded it to where he had the bookmark, that is, where he finished. The last psalm in his life he read was the 117th. It says: “Open the gates of righteousness, let us go in and confess to the Lord.” This is how a soul that has found inner prayer can speak... We opened the psalter and began to read this psalm. I always liked him, but I liked him even more here. Then Father gave me a book by Paisiy Velichkovsky, indicating exactly what to read in it. On June 10, Father reminded me that I need to fight sleep. – You must have the desire and decision to get up, then you will get up on time. And if there is no desire and decision to stand up at any cost, then even if there was a bell tower above you, you will oversleep. In addition, pray to your guardian angel, as well as St. Barsanuphius of Tver and Kazan, to whom the grace was given to help from oversleeping. “I told you before that you need to come to the services before the bell rings, so that the ringing finds you already in the church.” Why is this so? Because at this time the Mother of God enters the church. I read this somewhere before, Then I read about Fr. Kievsky. Paisia... This was an ascetic monk who acted like a fool. One day he came to vespers and the call rang. There is no one in the church. The sexton, having straightened everything out, left the church. He was left alone. Suddenly he hears a rustling sound, as if someone was walking. He looked and saw a Majestic Woman of tall stature, accompanied by St. ap. Peter and someone else. She looked around the church and said the following words: “They rang for Vespers, but there were no monks.” Then, turning to Fr. Paisia, blessed him, making the sign of the cross, and left the church, rising at the same time from the ground. Father Paisius followed Her out of the church, following her with his eyes. She rose higher and higher until she completely disappeared from Fr.’s eyes. Paisia... When and about. Anatoly, the great elder, addressed Fr. Macarius, he also told him that it is necessary to go to services before the bell rings, that this is very important. - Why? – asked Fr. Anatoly. “Then I’ll tell you,” he answered, and a few years later he said: “Because at this time the Mother of God enters the church.” Also on June 11, Father gave me a note reminding me that I need to read letters from Fr. Macaria. Father serves in the monastery. We're all getting ready. Today the Lord vouchsafed me to confess. I am confessing in the ryassophore for the first time. Today the Lord has vouchsafed me to receive St. Christ's Mysteries. Before the meal, I read to Father from the book “On the Caucasus Mountains” about the third degree of the Jesus Prayer. Yesterday before Compline I read a little about Father’s diary. I think I should read it carefully, because it is a reflection of Father’s life and actions, which are very important to me. Now I walked around the skete a little with Father. The weather is wonderful. My soul is calm. God bless. A necessary thing is the revelation of thoughts and deeds. I clearly see this need in fact. Today Father told me: “The Lord would allow me to live even longer than your mantle, so that you would be strengthened in spirit.” There is a material mantle, and there is a spiritual mantle. We must, of course, strengthen ourselves in spirit. – What does this strengthening in spirit consist of? – I asked. – In the self-sacrifice of the Lord Jesus Christ. In the rejection of anything. In imputing everything, as if they knew it for the sake of the Lord. This is a very complex psyche of spiritual life. Recently I noticed that five hundred has a calming effect on the soul. One day I stood up for the celebration of five hundred, dissatisfied with something, with some grumbling, condemnation and self-justification inseparable from it. When I finished it, I felt some fatigue in my body from bowing, and peace in my soul. I was at Father’s vigil, there was mass in the monastery and after it a prayer service. And after the prayer service - general tea on the occasion of the secular name day of Father - St. ap. Pavel. After tea I went to Father. Father said: – When I was studying, we were sent to the forge to make horseshoes. There I saw how the master, having made some part for the gun, began to harden it so that it would not deteriorate when it was put into use. So, I would like to harden you, in view of the sorrows and temptations that await you ahead from demons, from people, from the temptations of the world, which you will have to endure until you reach the breadth of Christian love and freedom. I paused for a moment and said: - Father, I used to think that a monk experiences temptations only at the beginning or half of his feat, but recently I read from the bishop. Ignatius that a monk from the beginning of his monastic life to the grave must be prepared to endure sorrows and temptations. I don’t remember what Father said to this. Soon I began to read the book “On the Caucasus Mountains” about the Jesus Prayer. By the way, I read the following: “A monk who decides to undergo the feat of prayer will face considerable work, constant and many years, as well as various sorrows, but the time will come when the prayer book will see the “Morning of the Resurrection of Christ” and will receive joy.” As soon as I read this, Father said: – You said just now that there will always be sorrows. Yes, but the person’s internal state will be different... I understood that although there will be sorrows, he who has achieved prayer will endure them easily, for Christ will be with him, Who will fill the heart of the ascetic with inexpressible joy, and no sorrow will overcome this joy in the Lord. At lunchtime I went to the monastery to break my fast, because it was the end of Peter’s Lent. Lately I have been very busy with obedience, I was even given a temporary assistant from the monastery - Brother Ignatius. I went to Fr. twice. archimandrite and to the monastery on various matters. I haven’t written for a long time, and there’s a lot to write down. On July 5, I asked Father about the meaning and meaning of the conclusion of the 5th volume of the bishop’s works. Ignatius. I don’t undertake to describe this conversation, I will only say the following: – The fifth volume of the bishop’s works. Ignatius, - said Father, - contains the teaching of St. fathers in relation to modern monasticism and teaches how to read the writings of St. fathers. Bishop looked very deeply. Ignatius and even, perhaps, deeper in this regard, Bishop. Feofan. His word has a powerful effect on the soul, because it comes from experience... On July 10, I went with Father to the vigil, but Father stood for a very short time and, calling me, went home from the church and immediately went to bed. First, I read to him a little from the book “On the Caucasus Mountains,” then we talked a little. “It’s good for me now with you, truly I tell you, for our souls sound in the same tone... I’m not looking for anything, only the Lord Jesus.” What does it matter to me that everyone bows to me... - Then Father stopped talking, he was getting worse and worse, he had a strong fever and was in a fever. On July 11 we did not go to mass. Father was lying down. They sent for paramedic Fr. Panteleimon. Fr. came Theodosius and Fr. archimandrite. In the evening at 7-8 o'clock Fr. came again. Feodosius. Father called me, ordered me to find the ranks of tonsure into the ryasophore, mantle and schema, and then call Fr. Nectaria and Fr. Kuksha, which I did. We began to prepare everything for Father’s tonsure into the schema. When I was alone with Father in his office and was taking out various things, Father said: – We must probably have to part: what I haven’t finished, let the grace of God do it... Tears came to my throat... Finally, everything was ready and the tonsure began. I sang, but very weakly, together with others, then I held the book to Father to give answers to questions. Then he held a book about. Feodosia. Finally, they put the schema on Father, I looked, and tears began to rise in my throat again, but I resisted. The tonsure ended, we all came up to congratulate and accept the blessing. Then Father gave a jar of jam to everyone who participated in the tonsure, except us. When everyone left, Father said: “Now another life must begin.” Around 10 o'clock everyone finished, read the evening prayers and went to bed. On July 12, Father received Holy Communion. Christ's Mysteries, he felt better. On July 13, Fr. visited Father. Joseph. That same day Father told me: – Schima is the edge: either death or recovery. I feel the schema has lifted me up. I was supposed to die, but a reprieve was given. O. Nectarius is now my adoptive father. He comes today and says, among other things, the following: “But at the meal today they read: one monk died and came to life, and told the brethren that he had been told that a reprieve was given for 15 years. And exactly 15 years later on this day he actually died... Then Fr. Theodosius said that he had noticed a tumor on my face for three weeks already, and therefore immediately offered me a schema, pointing out the tumor as a sign of death. I said: “God’s will be done,” for it is scary to abandon the schema. The schema gives forgiveness of all sins. Besides, I had a feeling of death, and Fr. Theodosius says: “Who can guarantee that you will remain alive this night?” I agreed, and Fr. The archimandrite readily agreed, and so I was tonsured. “May the Lord reward you for following me.” On July 14, among other things, Father said: – I feel that a new life has begun in me: what it is, I myself don’t know very well, I feel the storms intensifying... And another time he said that he felt a surge of new strength. All these days I spent the night with Father. Yesterday I went to the hospital, my leg hurt again. A shortened vigil was held at Father's place. Although he recovered, he did not completely recover. Thank God for everything that comes next. On the 22nd, Father gave me a blue silk belt with white decorations and the words: “God, in Your name, save me,” and blessed me to wear it on holidays and when I receive communion. On July 23, the poor and blessed Gavryusha came to Father from Shamordin. He is a robed monk. Father said that he was tonsured by Fr. Ambrose. He made a good impression on me. He came to Father to congratulate him on his adoption of the schema. I really liked how happy he was and even laughed like a child when Father gave him sweets and gingerbread. That same day, Father spoke about how deeply mysterious the events of our lives are. “I suddenly remembered now: when I went from the monastery to Voronezh to visit Saint Mitrofaniy, the hieromonk who stood at the relics of the Saint invited me to drink tea. I went. He received me very cordially and, among other things, took and put on me the schematic cap of the saint. Mitrophania, which he kept as a shrine. This means that when I was already destined for the schema. Then I ask, “What is your holy name?” And he answers: “Sinful Barsanuphius.” Of course, I didn’t understand anything from this then. You see how deep it is, what you don’t touch. Also remember, we examined the circumstances of your entry into the monastery regarding the icon of the Mother of God “Unexpected Joy.” What depth was revealed to us then... And you will have this joy at your death. That joy will be the beginning of eternal joy... I was at mass and stood quite easily, although the eczema on my legs had not yet gone away, and the dilation of the veins was making itself felt. There is a procession of the cross. The monastic people went to their well, and we, the hermits, went to our Amvrosiev. There was a prayer service for water, and I read the Apostle. After the prayer service we went to lunch. The meal was very tasty: for the first course there were fried mushrooms and potatoes instead of vinaigrette. After the meal I read. Finished the 5th volume of ep. Ignatius. Yes, he had an angelic mind. All that remains is to complete the extracts from this volume. The weather is autumn. It has been raining all day. Today we went to see St. water to the monastery. Then I was granted confession. Ep. Ignatius writes that repentance, in addition to cleansing the sins committed, opens the eyes, so that a person begins to see his other sins, which he had not previously noticed or forgotten. I now experience this in my personal life. August 6. Feast of the Transfiguration of the Lord The monastery brethren communed with St. The Mysteries of Christ, but I was not worthy. Father blessed us to prepare for tomorrow. Yesterday I was pretty tired during the vigil. Sometimes I feel that the Jesus Prayer is easy to say, and sometimes it is difficult, I feel dry, and I have to force myself to pray. I told Father about this. He replied that it was nothing, that forcing oneself and forcing oneself to pray was very necessary in the feat of prayer. Today I was honored to receive St. Christ's Mysteries. I went to the monastery to venerate St. Icon of the Mother of God of Kaluga. Father and all the brethren went to the monastery to be tonsured, and Father blessed me to stay and do one very necessary thing. At the end, I decided to take advantage of the time to record the conversation. So, after revealing to Father my infirmities for the day, I asked something about prayer, and Father began to say: – The first gift from the Lord in prayer is attention, that is, when the mind can stay in the words of prayer without being distracted by thoughts. But with such attentive, non-entertaining prayer, the heart is still silent. This is the point, that our feelings and thoughts are separated, there is no agreement in them. The second prayer - the second gift - is internal prayer, that is, when thoughts and feelings are directed in harmony towards God. Until now, every battle with passions ended in the victory of passion over man, and from now on, when the mind and heart pray together, that is, feelings and thoughts in God, the passions are already defeated. Defeated, but not destroyed, they can come to life if they are neglected. Here the passions are like dead men lying in coffins, and the prayer book, as soon as the passion stirs, beats it and defeats it. The third gift is spiritual prayer. I can’t say anything about this prayer; here there is nothing earthly in a person anymore. True, man still lives on earth, walks on earth, sits, drinks, eats, but with his mind and thoughts he is entirely in God in heaven. The ministries of the angelic ranks were even revealed to some. This prayer is the prayer of vision. Those who have achieved this prayer see spiritual objects, for example, the state of the human soul, just as we see sensory objects, as if in a painting. They already look with the eyes of the spirit, their spirit already looks. Whether they are constantly in the vision, or from time to time, I don’t know. They do not talk about what they see and rarely reveal their visions to others. Once, I remember, Father said that a schema-monk is called a “prayer book for the whole world.” There was a lot to do all these days, and I don’t remember anything special. I haven't written anything for two weeks. These days I revealed my thoughts to Father every day. Then I told Father that I had received a letter from Ivanushka, answered him and sent him what he asked for. Father said that he felt sorry for Ivanushka. We talked about him a little, and Father said to me: - No, you don’t leave us anymore. And before that, after the revelation of his thoughts, Father said: – The Holy Fathers teach: fight every passion, but flee from fornication... Yes, but we have to flee from almost every passion. By escape here we do not mean literally escape: if you feel a lustful passion in yourself, then leave the monastery. No, by running we mean the name of the Lord Jesus, the Jesus Prayer, for it is said: “a stone is a refuge for a hare.” By hares we mean all those who are timid, weak and humble, who cannot fight passions on their own... Today is the day of the death of the elder Fr. Macaria. 50th anniversary of his blessed death. After the meal, Father said a short word to us. – Each of us has a duty to imitate those saints whose names we bear. Father o. Macarius bore the name of St. Macarius of Egypt, whose life was now being read. You heard, when you read, how the devil said to the monk: “You sleep little, but I don’t sleep at all; You fast a lot and don’t eat at all. You defeat me alone." - "How?" - asks the saint. “With humility,” the devil answers.” It was this virtue of humility, imitating the life of his saint, that our ever-memorable Elder Macarius laid as the basis of his feat. For, if humility is necessary for all Christians in general, then for monks in particular. If there is humility, everything is there; if there is no humility, there is nothing. The humble man is high before God, even if he is completely illiterate. U o. Macarius' letters contain constant reminders of humility. Let us look into them more often and learn humility, first from the book, and then, by the grace of God, we will gradually introduce it into our lives... May the Lord help us through the prayers of the ever-memorable elder Fr. May Macarius confirm this high virtue of humility. Feast of the Nativity of the Blessed Virgin Mary. We all went to the vigil at the monastery. When I left the church, it was a wonderful night. An extraordinary picture: monuments and graves bathed in moonlight. Silence, only the singing of Divine words can be heard from the church. I went to bow to the graves of these great elders. Near the grave of Fr. The monk stood motionless in Lev, leaning on the bars of the neighboring grave. I didn't see his face. Perhaps this monk is a man of prayer with a poetic soul, immersed in prayerful delight. Finally, I came to the monastery and went to the cell, saying the Jesus Prayer. The monastery was, like the forest, extraordinarily beautiful. On September 9, when Father was sorting through his various sacred objects, for example, icons, rosaries, various things from relics, etc., I reminded Father that he wanted to give me a rosary. Father took out and gave me a rosary. God save him. Yesterday during the vigil, Father read extracts from St. fathers, mainly about prayer, explaining them a little with his reasoning. I really liked it. It is difficult to write down due to lack of time. Today is Sunday, and I keep reading a good book, “The Way to Salvation.” This book was the first that I read in my life when the grace of God aroused me from a calm desire in sin. Therefore, Father once told me that this book should be my reference book. I rarely have to write. Life, especially external life, goes normally and smoothly. Recently Father told me: – The Gospel says: “pray for your enemies” - and indeed, our enemies, wanting to annoy us and do something evil, do this solely out of their dislike towards us, but for the most part, with their evil they stop the even greater evil that threatened us. For example, one person, having learned about another that he wanted to marry a good girl, wrote a false letter to this girl, in which he slandered him in every possible way, and thereby upset the party. Several years pass, and this man, who wanted to get married, went to a monastery to serve God. And if he got married, then, being tied up, he could not do this. So the question arises: what has been done by slander: harm or benefit? “Of course, it’s useful,” the slanderer turned out to be this man’s benefactor. I read from the bishop. Feofan in “The Path to Salvation” that you need to find your main passion. I thought and could not settle on any passion. I told Father about this, and he answered me that “you need to pray that the Lord will reveal this main passion; you won’t find it on your own. And finding it is very important in order to know where to direct your strength, that is, to know what passion to primarily fight with.” Today is my birthday, I turned 22 years old. Father served. At the end of mass, when Father came out with the life-giving cross, having given his leave, he said: - Honest fathers and brothers. Here I am, with the life-giving cross in my hands, asking and begging you to stop the displeasure among yourself. Discontent, not to say hostility, is increasing. If this is so in the world, then let it not happen between us in the monastery. The first commandment is love. Ap. Paul said: “If I speak in the tongues of angels and men, but do not have love, I am nothing; If I have the gift of prophecy, but do not have love, then I am a clanging cymbal.” Love is above everything. I decided to remind you of this on the day of remembrance of St. John the Theologian - the apostle of love. Don’t stop at just external cleanliness, although that is necessary, but the main thing is to eradicate passions, especially anger, from the heart... This is the general tone and content of what Father said. On the evening of September 26, during the revelation of his thoughts, Father spoke about talents read at the meal. – In the Gospel parable about talents it is said that one servant buried his talent, given to him by God, in the ground. Some people understand the words “buried in the ground” literally, as it is. Man used all his talent, given by God, exclusively to acquire earthly, vain, perishable things - he did not acquire anything for the future, eternal life. So, for example, professors, scientists, if they limited themselves only to scientific knowledge, without doing anything useful for their soul, then, of course, they buried their talent in the ground. And you, leaving all this decay, went to the holy monastery, which means you did not bury your talent. I am telling you this to strengthen your... - But, Father, in the teaching that I read, it is said that if a person has the opportunity or gift to preach, teach and does not do this, then he is burying his talent in the ground. And from the lives of saints and modern ascetics it is known that many, for example, Rev. Arseny the Great, had the opportunity to teach and preach, but remained silent out of humility. How can this be reconciled with what was said in the teaching? – To whom what is given: to whom activity, to whom silence, there are many gifts of God. Rev. Arseny was given a life equal to the angels - to serve God in silence. Others, on the contrary, serve God in vigorous activity. But those who bury their talent are like those who refuse where they are placed, according to the will of God. For example, Rev. Seraphim of Sarov refused his leadership, so what? He almost fell into despair and suffered great sorrows and temptations. He had to undertake a great feat - standing on a rock for three years - in order to overcome these temptations. This is what it means to refuse. So here I am standing in this place. I'm afraid to refuse. Father Archimandrite told me: “Will you be able to bear what might happen if you refuse?” Here I stand... Father also told me what sorrows he had, and how the Lord always delivered him with His grace. “I’m telling you this in order to instill faith in the Lord in you, because you will have to show it later.” I have only one hope - in God, truly I say to you: “Do not trust in princes, in the sons of men...” Once again Father told me: – You enter monasticism under the most favorable conditions, because later you will have great sorrows, but you will endure them, for you will already be stronger, and they will serve to glorify the name of God and to receive crowns... Sometimes from Father’s words and deeds I see, as far as is accessible to me, Father’s wisdom and reasoning, faith in God, hope in His mercy and other monastic virtues, but I am truly poor and wretched. I am not always aware of this, but there are moments. Lord, give me humility. Yesterday I came to the vigil during the litiya, and was detained by Father. When I left the vigil, it was a beautiful moonlit night, but I paid little attention, since my legs were very tired and it was frosty, I thought about how to quickly come to the cell. My neighbor Gregory woke me up for mass, God save him, otherwise I would have overslept. I arrived at the church about five minutes before the bell rang. I like to come to church 15–10 minutes before the bell rings and sit down, saying the Jesus Prayer. I noticed that after this the Jesus Prayer was always easily said during the service. And if you don’t come in advance, then sometimes it will take you a very long time to prepare yourself for the Jesus Prayer. In the evening I walked around the monastery with Father a little and revealed my thoughts as I walked. The vigil was held at Father's. Father serves in the monastery. I didn’t go to mass, but at 6 o’clock in the morning I went to the monastery dacha on behalf of Father. Sorrow to all who truly love our holy monastery... While the monastery still stands aside. But this very minute the commission came to inspect our new church. How and why - I don’t know. Once Father told me that Fr. Macarius, the great elder, re-read Abba Dorotheus and the Ladder every three years and found everything new and new, for he grew spiritually. Father reread them and told me that it was necessary every three years. Father blessed me to read the life of St. Nikodim Kozheezersky miracle. (July 3), and then blessed me to begin studying the rules of worship. Father added that this is necessary for every novice. To resolve any confusion, Father gave his blessing to contact Fr. Kuksha, and take Bulgakov’s book from the library as a benefit. Father blessed me to use the holidays for reading, since this is the only free time I have, but he also blessed me to do walks around the monastery or behind the monastery, saying that this would be useful for me. I read the letters of Elder Macarius. Father told me not to take different books on the same day: first one, then another - but to read one thing at a time. Yesterday Ivanushka arrived in Optina and spent the night with Father. Today I was at the blessing of water in the new church. Ivanushka was with me almost the whole day, and again spends the night with Father. I don't know what to say about him. Save him, Lord, and have mercy, weigh his fate with them. A certain E.N. Pogozhev came to see Father, Father told me about him more than once, and told him about me, as someone who had previously belonged to the intelligentsia, who had abandoned all this and came to the monastery. So he asked Father to meet us and talk, which Father allowed, sending me to his reception room. It was just before lunch and we didn't get a chance to talk. Then he asked Father permission to come before the vigil. Father allowed it. At the beginning of the 6th hour I came again, and we talked until the bell ringing for the all-night vigil. He asked me a lot about the reasons and circumstances of my entry into the monastery. Regarding monasticism, St. paternal writings and spiritual life in general. E.N. promised to send me a book he compiled, “Modern Ascetics.” Save him, Lord. On the 29th, Father announced first to me, and then to Ivanushka, that Fr. the archimandrite agrees to accept him again. Today he went on business to Moscow, where he wants to bide his time to see if the cell will be free, since two will be called up in a week. I open my thoughts and feel the beneficialness of this. God bless you, Father. On the 28th, late in the evening, Fr. died. Pimen. They say that he picked a pimple on his forehead, which caused his face to swell, and he died either from erysipelas or from inflammation that spread to the brain. May God grant him the kingdom of heaven. Father loved him and told me that Fr. Pimen was truly a monk. These days I was busy compiling statements. I read it at lunch today. Father was not at the meal. I feel general weakness. I read letters from Fr. Macaria. On October 28, Count Leo Tolstoy arrived in Optina. On the 29th he left Optina without visiting Fr. archimandrite, neither from the priest, nor from Fr. Joseph. Having reached the station. Astapovo, he felt unwell and did not go further. I don’t know the details, just St. The Synod blessed Fr. Joseph (since the count knew and visited Father Joseph) to go to the count to convince him of the truths of the Holy Orthodox Church. O. Joseph wanted to go, but felt very weak and refused. Then the telegram gave the blessing to Father to go instead of Fr. Joseph. Yesterday evening Father began to get ready. For some reason I was worried internally, but after reading the canons and akathists and the evening prayer rule in general, I calmed down. Father told me that he intended to take me with him. At about 12 o'clock at night, having packed everything up, we went to our cells. I got up today at 4 o'clock in the morning, at six o'clock I was with the sexton and Fr. A prayer service was sent with Nectarius. Father stood at the altar. Then, after the prayer service, everyone went to Father. Later I went to my cell, finally got ready and finally went to the monastery to Fr. Archimandrite. Father with Fr. Theodosius walked ahead (Fr. Theodosius came to Father for his confession and in general as a confessor). I walked behind, brother Gregory carried a bag next to me. Arriving at Fr. Archimandrite, everyone went about their business, and I and my brother Gregory waited. Suddenly Father called me, announced that I was staying and said goodbye to me. I still waited for Father to leave, and when he left, I went to the graves of the elders, prayed for Father and for myself, and went to the monastery. Going into Father’s cell, I drank some tea, dismissed the buyer and came to the cell. I didn't feel any anxiety. I prayed for Father’s well-being and sat down to write this diary. And yesterday I felt excited, I was either sad or mournful. Lord, save Father, and Your will be done. Yesterday I wrote a letter to Ivanushka, and received it from him on October 31st. There was nothing special in the letter. Yesterday Father gave me four handkerchiefs. Having brought them to the cell, I said to myself: - Handkerchiefs, handkerchiefs, won’t I have to wipe away my tears with you during my grief? This morning I was doing some writing. My soul is at peace. I pray for Father with all my strength. How and what happened to Father, nothing has been heard yet. I read the Apostle today at mass. The vigil was physically easy to stand, and prayer was quite easy. Today mass was also easy. They celebrated the Sunday service of the Mother of God Quick to Hear. I prayed as best I could for Father’s well-being in front of Her holy icon. I feel weakness in my body, although slight. I’m thinking of writing down what I talked about with Father the other day. – Must confession and revelation be carried out by one person or is it possible to confess to one and reveal one’s thoughts to another? – Of course, confession is one thing, revelation of thoughts is another. The Holy Fathers write: when there is no one to turn to, then choose a brother of one mind and reveal your thoughts to him. Thoughts can be revealed even to those who do not have holy orders... (Fr. Joseph, Fr. Nektary). On November 2nd we also talked a little. By the way, Father told how he first came to Orenburg when he was 8–9 years old. He was there before, but he was just a baby, as a result of which he does not remember anything. Father arrived with his father and asked to walk around the city. Father allowed it. So the youth Paul, the current Optina elder, ran and saw the Cathedral of the Transfiguration, a beautiful cathedral, a huge bell tower. He looked, ran further, saw another cathedral - Vvedensky, looked and then ran past the governor's house to the Trinity Cathedral, and from the Trinity Cathedral he ran out to the square. The square is crowded and there is a market. Making his way through the crowds of people, he suddenly saw a dwarf waving a long stick. Frightened by this dwarf, he hid behind the people. “Here,” the law............................................. This is where Fr.'s diary ends. Nikon. The following information is very brief. It is known that he was tonsured on May 24, 1915. Ordained to the rank of hierodeacon on April 10, 1916, to the rank of hieromonk on November 3, 1917. His only letter to his mother dated 1922 after the revolution and several of his sermons have survived You might be interested in: