Октябрь 1882 г.

I will write a note of gratitude 61 to the Lord Jesus Christ for deliverance from fierce, evil passions at the beginning of the all-night vigil in the cathedral through the prayer of repentance and after falling with faith and hope to the holy throne; then before the reading of the akathist to the Intercession of the Mother of God, when they stood in the middle of the church (in the main church), then during the prayer service, after the prayer service at M. O. Britnev. Father Vasily Saltykov and the deacon met him very drunk on the evening of September 29 at seven o'clock. May the Lord give us knowledge of our sins and a tear of compunction with correction. After early mass (eleven o'clock in the afternoon). I commemorate my inner troubles on this day early, before Matins, during it and early mass and after it, and the miracles of the Lord’s mercy in me: the sting of voluptuousness tormented me, tormented me when I went to the Assumption Church and when I came and began the service, and I prayed and repented, calling on the Lord with all my heart until I was delivered from the mire and the ditch of my passions; when reading the evening prayers I felt relief, when singing the stichera on “Lord, I cried” I felt even more relieved, on the stichera even more; When reading the prayers at the sixth psalm, especially when the struggle with the enemies began, I cared how I could read the Gospel without stumbling, and when the time came to read, at the end, against all desire, I was confused, frightened by the breath of the devil and could not finish reading it, after which I was terribly annoyed and painful, but I did not despair and again began to pray to God for mercy and deliverance from my enemies and to help me against them. The Lord helped - I calmed down and read the canon loudly, I said dismissal all in rage at the ethereal enemies; I said almost all of my prayers to Christ and Sveta without stumbling. The reason for the powerlessness of the heart is yesterday’s delicacy at Britnev’s after the evening prayer service, and at home - cabbage soup and fried and boiled potatoes. He served Mass with many tears, animatedly, sincerely, he read the pulpit well, except for the last expressions, he said the dismissal loudly. At the prayer service I was upset because of Deacon Nikon Peter, who stumbled over the remembrance of names about health; embitterment, my torment, breaking down, stumbling while reading the Gospel and prayers. At the funeral service there is a new temptation because of the deacon, a new embarrassment, a stumbling block. And after all this, when consuming the Holy Gifts with the prayer of repentance, there is complete deliverance and revitalization, peace. At the prayer service, the Duma watchman Jacob and [...] stuttered, my repentance, deliverance by the goodness of Christ. God bless! What a wonderful, Divine peace I tasted yesterday during the all-night vigil after my thanksgiving offered to the Lord for a fruitful summer, filled with countless fruits through goodness and generosity and according to the sovereign, all-powerful word of the Lord, and for delivering me from the darkness of sins! This was during the reading of kathismas and after the glorification of the Mother of God in the middle of the cathedral church! Saturday. I was granted extraordinary strength and mercy from the Lord on this day during matins, early mass in the Duma Church and before and during prayer services with Captain Andrei Nikolaevich Tolbukhin and Lieutenant Arseniy Mikhailovich Danchich. After walking with the cross yesterday and drinking wine, I was weakened in spirit and cold, dead, but during Matins the Lord revived me for repentance and falling before the Holy Altar, especially through reading the canons, and delivered me from anger towards the reader; but during early mass I was at times in the greatest danger of becoming confused and losing heart from the onslaughts of ethereal enemies, and only diligent repentance and calling on the name of the Lord with full hope delivered me from the greatest dangers and satanic storms, and grace overcame the evil of the devil; I received Holy Communion in a life-giving manner; I read the pulpit firmly, the dismissal is complete, the Gospel at the prayer service is complete. At Tolbukhin’s, before the prayer service, the enemies extremely embarrassed and paralyzed me, I despaired of serving the prayer service calmly, but I intensified the prayer, kneeling down, asking the Lord firmly to help me, and the Lord heard me, encouraged and revived me; The prayer service was served decently, but with omissions in the Gospel and at the litany of water, many petitions. The enemy did not leave me alone. Dancic has a new attack on me from invisible enemies, a new attack, a new annoyance. I again resorted to intense prayer before and during the prayer service, and the victory of grace was complete. I served with a free, triumphant spirit, without hesitation or omission. On the day of the Intercession of the Mother of God, during late mass, I was terribly caught from the bodiless enemies, these spirits of malice, at the entrance to the church: [Tsedinov’s] eldest daughter Maria was walking, about fourteen or sixteen years old, baptized by me and who was my former spiritual daughter, and then fell away from me because of her father, at first affectionate and respectful, and then proud and disrespectful; When she saw me, she didn’t greet me or nod her head. I was offended and upset, but it was on this feeling that the evil demon caught me, killed my soul, pouring the poison of malice into my soul, plunged me into cramped conditions, confusion, trouble, and I had to preach a sermon; Arriving at the altar, I began to fervently repent on my knees before the icon (behind the throne) of the Holy Trinity with great faith and hope, and the Lord had mercy on me, accursed, self-loving, proud, evil, impatient, unenlightened, careless and lazy to correct myself; So it became easy, peaceful, spacious in my heart! And he preached the sermon very well! On October 2, at the christening of the innkeeper [Kalikov], the Lord showed me His great mercy and help: I ​​performed the Sacrament without stumbling, with feeling. Sunday. After the early mass I performed (for Father Peter Klepachevsky). There was an abyss of my infirmities and the strength of God and the mercies of God towards me and in me during Matins and early mass. In the evening I carelessly ate lamb, from which my heart and my voice became rough, I even became somewhat hoarse, and I sang very unfreely, under compulsion; enemies stung, weakened, chilled, killed the heart and soul. But the grace of God, requested by me through strong and tearful repentance, defeated my sins and the machinations of the demons, and in the end I emerged victorious through the power of Christ. There were copious tears at mass, drowning our mental enemies; I read the pulpit slowly, in a loud voice. He stole his release and for this he was severely, mortally wounded by invisible enemies. Through repentance and faith he returned the grace and mercy of God. The sermon spoke very well, loudly and with feeling about spiritual death and resurrection. There were no prayers at home after mass. At one o'clock in the afternoon a prayer service was served at Kromido's. Before the time of service and during the service, I brought to the Lord a strong inner repentance for my grave sin in my anger at the poor boys begging for alms several times: I, embittered, tore the ear of one of them, and through this the adversary the devil, who was catching my soul, furiously entered my heart, renewed by the liturgy, and poured in his deadly, painful poison, from which I only with difficulty got rid of during the prayer service from Kromido: The Lord performed an obvious greatest miracle in me - he freed my heart from demonic influence and gave me life and peace, freedom, courage, swagger, and righteousness. Glory to the Lord, who saves me continually. Evening. The Lord surprised me with His mercy during the service of a prayer service with officer Alexei Mat. Fedorov, granting me freedom from the fierce attacks of demons, peace, righteousness and boldness of heart. Then the Lord encouraged me in the building of the Kudryavtsevsky wings on Pesochnaya Street in the apartment of the sailor Mikhail Evfim. and Evdokia Agaf., delivering me from the evil of the devil. In the evening, Nadezhda Semyonovna, a former Kronstadt merchant's wife who intends to become a nun, visited me and prayed with me, asked for a memorial, and left three rubles for the beggars. I thank the Lord, who in His mercy delivered me from the evil agony of the abbot during Matins and who bestowed grace, meekness, peace, freedom and a kind, heartfelt reading of the canon of Matins. I made the greatest mistake and sin by unnecessarily eating unleavened milk (two glasses) with black bread in small quantities in the morning, at nine o’clock, and then falling asleep. After sleep, I left the house for a prayer service in Krasnaya Street, and met a beggar who overtook me and asked me to give me a shirt, as if it had been stolen in the bathhouse; I gave him a kick in the ass out of frustration, but this act was fatal for me, disastrous for the soul: I was struck by terrible grief and cramped conditions, I repented for a long time, before the prayer service and after the prayer service, the prayer service was served poorly, coldly, paralyzed, with hesitations and stops - as much from satiety and former bitterness, as much from addiction to the precious cross. Then I repented for three quarters of an hour, walking in the summer garden, and there I finally received mercy from the Lord. Never let me eat or drink in the morning, God! At the christening, the Lord helped (behind Kromido’s house in Pesochnaya Street along the ditch, in the coal warehouse). Ten and a half o'clock in the evening. I bring thanks to the Lord Jesus Christ, who had mercy on me when I brought Him repeated deep repentance for my hardness of heart and my malice towards the poor for frequent begging. This hard-heartedness and malice were shown by me at nine o’clock in the evening at the stable yard, when I was going to a prayer service in Zaitsev’s house to the soldier, sailor Semyon and Marfa Mikhailovna - and I brought my repentance here during and after the prayer service; The Lord had complete mercy on me after the prayer service. Glory to the Lord, but I am ashamed of my face! I condemn myself for being stingy and stingy with money, and not for poor people (this often happens), to whom I often give money involuntarily, with annoyance and indignation; I condemn myself for the fear of poverty, while the Lord has shown me a thousand times that almsgiving is a sowing that returns a hundredfold what has been sown. I condemn myself for secretly desiring money while fulfilling certain demands, for which the money goes to me personally, a desire that paralyzes the soul and heart and extinguishes the spirit of prayer and makes the soul cold and powerless, fought by evil demons. I condemn myself for being hard-hearted, unmerciful towards many poor people, pushing, shoving and throwing (sometimes) them out of my irritation at their frequent requests, at their laziness and carelessness. Have mercy, Lord, forgive, Lord, correct, Lord! Tuesday. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the oppression of sin during Matins through the secret prayer of repentance and falling before the life-giving throne; I especially thank the Lord for serving the early liturgy (in the Duma Church) of the Korovnikovs and for delivering me from the attacks of fierce lust on me over the vision of a beautiful maiden (the daughter of the deceased gardener Andrei, from the very end of the braid); The demonic fire barely defeated after the intense invocation of the name of the Lord and during the consumption of the Holy Gifts. Glory to the victory of Christ! He served Mass without stumbling, although with strong internal struggle. I am ashamed of my face for my voluptuousness! What peace, what health I feel after mass and communion of the Holy Mysteries and after victory over the enemies of salvation! God bless! The house of industriousness after God owes its existence to the name of Emperor Alexander II and the tireless zeal and energy of the members of St. Andrew's guardianship. I send glory and thanksgiving to Christ God for His great grace and mercy, which surprised me during the prayer service in the House of Diligence at Mrs. Korsakova’s for my repentance and prayer before the prayer service; Yesterday I drank a lot of wine and felt somewhat unwell and as if broken, powerless and dead in my heart. Grace strengthened and [restored] me. I thank the Lord for the miracles of His power and mercy in the apartment of P. S. Burachka before and during the prayer service and after the litany for the relatives of the deceased. First, delusion from the virgin breasts is overcome by the grace of the Lord through the prayer of repentance, then the fear of demons during prayer is overcome by invoking the name of the Lord; In the end, I stumbled in prayer because of the thought of money for the demand and the refreshment from the Markovs that lay ahead of me in the evening. Wednesday. Four o'clock in the evening, in church. I thank the Lord, who now wondrously, mercifully and quickly delivered me through the prayer of repentance and after falling to the holy throne from hellish oppression and spiritual death. I thank the Lord, who mercifully facilitated my evening prayer while walking around the courtyard of the church house and granted me tenderness and cleansing of my sins. I thank the Lord, who revived me during Matins and delighted me with the reading of the canons to the holy apostles and Saint Nicholas and the holy martyrs Sergius and Bacchus, with them usually the Mother of God, glorified throughout the generations. Divine Providence, kind and generous, is amazing: as soon as I wrote two letters with money to poor people (five rubles each), they brought me a gift of material for a cassock worth more than ten rubles from a woman of little means, but pious and devoted to me according to God, Lyubov Nazarovna. He did not want to accept, but, fearing to offend his zeal, he accepted with gratitude to the Lord. Glory to God for everything! This morning, out of greed, I ate meat and bread and felt an extra burden and a hardening of my spirit. Don't eat in the morning like little children. (I went to the wall for promenade, then slept for two hours.) Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest [Matthew 11:28]. God! Breathe a word into Your servant for the glory of Your name for the benefit and edification of Your people! This is how heavenly, incarnate, Hypostatic Love speaks to all sons and daughters of men, burdened with sins, struggles, deprivations, hardships, illnesses, sorrows, troubles, spiritual storms and burdened with iniquities: Come to Me... and I will give you rest. And who of the believers, sincerely repentant and devoted with all their hearts to the Lord Jesus Christ, has not felt and does not feel in the soul, oppressed daily by sins and temptations or sorrows and deprivations, sweet peace in the soul, just as a child rests in the arms of its mother? And isn’t this the Father’s voice calling to Himself all His children, who have moved away from Him by self-will and sins and who are in misery far from Him, deprived of the main and best good of the soul - peace of mind? So, this is the voice of the most tender Creator, Father and Savior of ours calling to Himself all the children of Adam in order to rest and bless them forever. Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. But, since we must achieve spiritual peace, or eternal rest in God and temporary rest on earth in God, through the unwavering fulfillment by each of us of the commandments of God and the laws of civil law or the direct duties of society and, therefore, through the intense activity of mental and physical forces, each in his own certain measure, then spiritual and physical work constitutes an indispensable duty for everyone, and everyone who works diligently and righteously in this life expects the reward of eternal peace from the Lord, the righteous Judge and The rewarder of our deeds. The Kingdom of Heaven itself, eternal, unshakable, is called rest by the Apostle (Hebrews chapter IV [verse 1]). Thus, the Lord calls to Himself and promises His heavenly, eternal, all-blessed rest to people of every rank, gender and age. Calls to Himself the kings of the earth, lifting on their shoulders the heavy burden of government, and the nobles, who lighten the unbearable yoke of ruling the people, and the spiritual shepherds of the people, and the desert ascetics, mortifying passions, and the ranks of the state synclite, all military leaders and warriors in charge of various state institutions, the learned class, the student youth, all the right I will buy the workers, all the citizens of the city and those who have been settled in it from time to time, or strangers, and all the villagers who work honestly and soberly. Our Creator and Savior speaks to everyone: Come to Me, all you who labor and are burdened, and I will give you rest. And the state, together with the Church, has been structured in such a way since ancient times that in it, as in a living organic huge body, there is a place for every talent, every activity - both extensive and small, and high and low, although not humiliating in essence, both spiritual and material; Just as the needs of the people who make up the state and the Church or societies great and small are infinitely great and varied, so are the ministries and works for the common or private good. And in every place, an honest and conscientious working citizen or son of the Church, as a reward from God, receives self-satisfaction and peace of conscience, not to mention respect for him from other members of society or the Church. For he who is industrious and zealous for the good of the general or particular enjoys the general respect of those who know him. And on the contrary, a lazy and idle person is restless in himself, and is a burden to himself, being convicted by his own conscience, and is despised by people as a useless member of society. But there are in some societies and cities (including ours) people who, even if they want to work, have nothing to put their hands to, either because of the extreme influx of outside working people, as is almost always the case in our city, or because of the lack of any decent clothing and shoes, or because of lack of strength, or because of lack of reliability or unreliability. For such people, called the bourgeoisie of the city of Kronstadt, assigned to it in the fifties in disproportionate numbers and eking out a beggarly, wandering life, very often not having anything to apply their strength and labor to, especially in the fall and winter, the Kronstadt parish, guardianship with the help of God, with the patronage and assistance of the highest authority, with the goodwill of alms from everyone estates, arranged and established in Kronstadt the House of Diligence for the constant work of poor, indigent burghers, for the upbringing of poor children, for the relief of poor mothers by taking their children into day care, for the spiritual education of the people on holidays [...] through edifying and generally useful readings, for the free practice of doctors regarding the sick poor. This house was built in memory of the late sovereign Emperor Alexander II, truly called the people-loving man. The structure of this house is marvelous by the grace of God. Construction began in the spring of last year and was completed in rough form, it burned down in the fall from an unknown cause, as did the wooden guardianship house along with it. It is regrettable and painful to see these humane institutions go up in flames. But the founders, having grieved, placed their trust in God and set to work again with doubled and tripled energy. Fairly hoping that the Russian people, who loved the late sovereign so much, would not refuse, for the sake of the name of Emperor Alexander II, dear to Russia, to bring their mites to the construction of a worthy, philanthropic monument to him, members of the trusteeship went to both capitals with offers to different persons of every rank, status, and religion to donate, and God opened the hearts of kind people who sympathize with the philanthropic cause of people; victims began to come from everywhere, and in the end the trusteeship was able to restore the building destroyed by the fire and bring it to a happy and wonderful end. Before your eyes stands a monument worthy of the name of the late Emperor Alexander II, which fully corresponds to its purpose. The present day is appointed for its consecration through solemn prayer and sprinkling it with holy water in all its parts. It remains, having invoked God’s blessing on him, to wish the members of the guardianship and the entire Kronstadt society a united action in providing the poor of the city of Kronstadt with real work, so that they do not sit idle and, having a constant job, have a constant and hard piece of bread together, do not have the tendency to beg and drunkenness and are useful citizens. You will see a beautiful image of the Savior on the facade of the building, with outstretched arms to the people depicted on the same icon and with the words above the image: Come to Me, all you who labor and are burdened, and I will give you rest. This will be a constant reminder to those who work in this building, and to everyone who comes and looks at this image and reads its inscription - a reminder of the indispensable duty of each of us to work for the benefit of society and for our own mental and physical benefit in the hope of eternal repose for temporary useful and good labors in God. Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Because of my voluptuousness and gluttony, this morning the greatest, disastrous demonic warfare happened to me: first in the church of the Holy Apostle Andrew the First-Called during Matins during the reading of the canon (regarding Father Alexander, alternately, a secret attack of malice, barely defeated by the secret prayer of repentance); then in the Assumption Church, where the dumbfounded watchman Arkhip summoned me; I come there - Philip Stepanov, the customer, is gone, Deacon Vladimir is not there. I make the entrance, bow - his wife and Nikolai Sidorov’s wife do not respond to the bow; then I hear by coughing that F. Stepanov has arrived, I leave the altar, bow - he sits and does not answer; I begin to speak - he expresses displeasure for my late arrival and that I am serving, and not Father Pyotr Klepachevsky; I gave the answer, I entered the altar, put on my clothes, and asked: “Where is Father Deacon?” - they say: he left. I said: “I will not serve without a deacon”; then Philip Stepanov hurriedly followed the deacon, who came; I say: “Why didn’t they wait for me?” Answer: “We waited for half an hour and left.” I say: “Have you conspired against me with Philip Stepanov? Did you want to create a scandal? - and he: “If you say so, then I don’t want to serve, I’m a nervous person”; He put down his surplice and orarion, took his duckweed and hat, and went. From everything one can see their ill will towards me, hatred, impatience, desire to humiliate, disgrace, humiliate, show me in the most unattractive form. You had to see Philip Stepanov and Deacon Vladimir Poletaev to be convinced of this. Tame, Lord, our hearts! Tame, soften, placate their hearts, O Heart-Knower and Savior: the heart of Deacon Vladimir, my spiritual son Philip, Catherine, Alexandra, Catherine, embittered against me, make them and me meek and gentle lambs, for everything is possible in Your inscrutable goodness. Wake up! Amen. In Deacon Poletaev one could see a clear desire to avoid serving with me: out of pride, he did not want to wait for my arrival, a wayward, proud, arrogant, arbitrary deacon; May the Lord Almighty heal him and me. After a grave temptation and embarrassment in the Assumption Church, I, indignant and offended to the depths of my soul, went to the cathedral and there, standing at the holy throne (at the Intercession) and then at the other holy throne (St. Andrew's) and at the third (Peter and Paul), I struggled for a long time in repentance with the evil of the devil, until the goodness of God defeated it and my sins and, perhaps, the sins of my brethren, who were also in temptation from the enemy fighter who is fighting the human race. God! Do not condemn us for the former rumor 62 and excitement, but have mercy on us, generous and merciful, for out of ignorance I appeared late at the Church of the Honorable Dormition of the Bride of God and was held back by praise and public prayer, although brought unworthy with my lips and heart. Forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing [Luke 23:34]. Bless me, Lord! I, I, I am to blame, Lord, not another one of those accused by me of the great confusion that happened today in the Church of the Dormition of Thy Most Pure Mother in the morning, and I blame myself alone for everything, as I myself allowed the devil’s malice and confusion to act in me through delicacy and immeasurable gluttony of mine, which took possession of me, drowning my repentant soul. Have mercy on me, my Creator and Master and Savior, for Your immeasurable goodness, and have mercy on all those who have grieved me, and transform the evil that was and, perhaps, exists in us into goodness, and bring confusion into silence for the sake of Your name. Amen. Nine and a half o'clock in the evening. October 8. After high school. I thank the Lord, who delivered me in the first grade of the gymnasium from the nasty, vile, obscene breath of the devil in my heart through my prayer. Eleven o'clock at night. Now the Lord performed in me a miracle of His immeasurable mercy, delivering me through the prayer of repentance and sincere self-condemnation from the devil’s tightness of malice in the right side of the underbelly. The mercy of God visited me immediately, as I sincerely admitted that I was the culprit of all the confusion that happened today in the Assumption Church in me, in Deacon Vladimir, in Philip Stepanov with his household, for I caused, although unintentionally, that confusion and delay, because of which there was anger, hatred and malice towards me from Philip Stepanov and especially Deacon Poletaev. I did not find out at what time the early mass of F. Stepanov would be in the Duma Church and in which Neustroyev, I did not have to change with Father Pyotr Klepachevsky and serve early for him. So, the strength is that I recognized myself alone as guilty of the storm of souls and completely abandoned my claims and bitterness towards Deacon Poletaev and Philip Stepanov. From now on, let me not be embittered or upset with anyone, and I don’t dream of destroying anger with malice, but only with love, and the God of love and peace will be with you and with your neighbors. Wake up. I thank the Lord, who gave me the grace to unfalteringly perform a prayer service in the wooden outbuilding of Khromov’s house at five o’clock in the evening. I thank the Lord, who delivered me many times from the snares of the enemy, from his poisonous arrows during Matins, who delivered me from oppression and sorrow after falling in repentance at the Holy Altar. (The sexton did not greet; the deacon who came later did not either; I was upset.) We are in strong, thick smoke for many days, as if in a fire all around, we can barely see the light and breathe. For Sergeev, ask Colonel Andrei Al. Petrova. To baptize Turkin on Sunday, October 10, at five o'clock. Walking to the gymnasium, I saw a beggar, about twenty-seven years old, chasing me (after many previously seen and awarded), and I was extremely upset with him; to get rid of him, I called him over and gave him five kopecks, and when he began to ask, I got angry with him and in my anger gave him a kick in the ass. But after that I began to be tormented by my conscience, was subjected to oppression and sorrow, and the rest of the way I repented to the Lord of my pride, malice, hatred, envy, greed, pride, self-interest, obstinacy, insolence, impatience, disrespect for the dignity of man as the image of God and a member of Christ, a child of God, a member of the Church; grief and distress continued; I came to the gymnasium in the Swiss, or overcoat, there, the tightness in me continued, I kept praying in intense repentance, finally, when climbing the last staircase, the Lord resolved the bonds of hell, and I became peaceful, free, bold, brave, cheerful. Glory to the Lord! On the way home from the gymnasium, when cramped conditions because of new beggars and because of my stinginess again befell me, I again called on the Lord in repentance, and He mercifully had mercy on me, giving me peace. At home, the Lord saved me many times in the evening, especially after Deacon Poletaev wrote in [...] that he reported me to the dean about an incident that happened in the Assumption Church; I went to the garden to pray and repent and there I received the greatest mercy and wonderful revival twice. God bless! I, the accursed one, am enslaved to sensuality, flesh and blood, and therefore to corruption and vanity, and I do not work for God, I do not live and work for the spirit and incorruptibility, and therefore, rightly, I am subjected to strong temptations, struggles, wounds, spiritual wounds and scourgings of the body from ethereal enemies. I notice that [the] more greedily I eat, the more powerfully I am subsequently subjected to temptation and a terrible attack from ethereal enemies. This happened yesterday. I greedily ate meat and cabbage soup, and meat extremely hardens the heart and develops carnal lusts, cowardice, even anger; and in the evening, after reading a note of a peaceful nature from Father Poletaev, I was completely upset and went into the garden to pray and appease the Lord in order to heal myself; It was a long and terrible struggle with opposing forces, and finally the Lord healed, calmed, and consoled (I read the evening prayers and the rule for communion). But at Shlyapnikova’s, before the prayer service, during and after the prayer service, I was in trouble again: the devil’s malice completely overpowered me; I didn't know what to do; The large gathering of women irritated me, I was angry with everyone, although the Lord restrained her from using rude language. Then he took a walk and prayed, repented along the way - by the grace of God he got rid, although not completely, of acute temptations. He came and read prayers in Shlyapnikova’s apartment: Lord, generous and merciful, long-suffering and abundantly merciful... Lord our God, remember us sinners... Lord, Lord, with your most pure hand support all things... 63 - and the Lord healed, especially later over tea and wine. Nerves are extremely upset. The attacks of the enemy were so strong that even prayer had no effect, so he took possession of my soul. This is what happened in the Assumption Church with Philip Stepanov. May the name of the Holy Trinity live in your mind and heart and may it be glorified throughout the entire course of your life; dedicate yourself in all your might to the Holy Trinity, in whose image you were created, and with Her the Mother of God; I devote myself entirely to holiness and truth, love, meekness, humility, patience, mercy. After early mass. I thank the Lord for His immeasurably great and numerous mercies shown to me during Sunday morning, during early mass and after mass. How many ignited arrows of the enemy were pierced into my poor soul and mortally tormented it! How many ulcers! How much confusion there is in my soul! How many deaths! But the Lord delivered me from all these great and grave troubles through the secret prayer of repentance! Thus, the Lord delivered me from the deadly stings of the serpents after dismissal at Matins before the prayer to Christ, the True Light... and at the end of the first hour, at the third hour, then after the proskomedia at the beginning of mass (I was killed by the enemy while reading the proskomedia verses and prayers); when reading to the King of Heaven... Glory to God in the highest... - The Lord destroyed death, giving life and peace. Then after the great entrance (Like the Cherubim... I read vaguely, quickly, furtively), then before and during the celebration of the Sacrament and after the celebration and just before communion (it was a pity for the golden bands - they allegedly rubbed and fought); I barely overcame the temptation and death of my heart. He received communion quickly and hid the holy paten because of the rapid singing; Because of the same addiction to instructions, I read the prayer behind the pulpit vaguely, paralyzedly, unfinished, and also the dismissal; but after I repented to the Lord, He revived me. After the funeral service and after repentance, the Lord also revived me, who had been killed. Glory to the Lord! And the enemies were ethereal and deprived of hope for the mercy of God. I thank the Lord, who created peace between me and Deacon Vladimir and spiritual son Philip Stepanov; God Himself sent him to meet me and endeared his heart to me. God bless! Before the time of speaking words regarding the consecration of the House of Diligence, I was seriously tempted by the devil regarding the coming and leaving of the sexton of Kamenograd without greeting me; I was seized by secret bitterness against my will, and I immediately tried to get rid of it through the prayer of repentance through diligently falling to the throne of grace; I suffered and broke for quite a long time, unable to bear the terrible, murderous sting of the serpent; My heart hardened more because I drank two cups of coffee with cream against my will at home at the insistence of my wife and out of my greed; Finally, the Lord was merciful and sent me His all-powerful helping hand, I was delivered and healed, I calmed down and calmly spoke the words. The disembodied enemy constantly strives to transform me in his image, and only the mercy and power of the Lord does not allow him to make of me what he wants, but often he does terrible dirty tricks on me and makes me an instrument of his malice, his abomination, his wickedness, his vanity, sensuality and death. Oh, how necessary and sweet, then Christ the Lord is merciful to me, the only one strong and crushing the horn of my enemies, the power of their evil in me! Holidays generally raise the spirit of a Christian from earth to heaven (at least they have this goal) and to God. I thank the Lord for the entire Matins, which enabled me to perform prayers of repentance, thanksgiving and praise for the glory of Him, the Mother of God, the holy Angels, the martyrs, the Apostle Philip and Saint Theophan of Nicea, the creator of the canons, and to delight my soul and His faithful. Ten and a half o'clock in the morning. After the prayer service with Mr. Khrzhanovsky (Silv. Martynovich and Varvara Konstantinovna). How successfully the enemy acts on my heart and kills it with his intrigues and dreams after gluttony. In the morning I ate with pleasure black bread with excellent butter and rolls with butter, although there was no need for food, and now my heart grew thick, completely weakened for prayer, and the enemy cast me down like a fly, killed me, and made me his food, like a spider. How long will I continue to feast and eat and drink in the morning without any need, to the detriment of my soul? Let me also remind myself of the words of the Apostle: it is good to strengthen hearts with grace, and not with foods from which those who engage in them do not benefit [Heb. 13:9]. What vanity, what harm from gluttony! Those who were devoted to him did not receive any benefit, it is said. How much time is lost through gluttony for God, for the salvation of one’s soul, for the benefit of one’s neighbors! And how much harm! The soul dies in a glutton, becomes darkened, becomes coarse, becomes powerless for virtues, proud, impatient, lazy, careless, angry, envious, unkind, malicious, hot-tempered and irritable, incapable of selfless love, hard-hearted, rude, harsh and obstinate, prodigal, deceitful, fearful and cowardly, desperate, suspicious, irritable. Grant me, Lord, the grace not to eat anything, not to drink in the morning, and generally not to have greed or addiction to food and drink and to anything earthly: not to smart clothes, not to distinctions, not to money, not to any utensils. What spiritual power would I have against passions and ethereal enemies by the grace of God if I were always abstinent and prayed more often? From experience I know that there is great strength. The program of the Law of God for the primary school under guardianship should be drawn up and published in the “Bulletin”. Evening. With all my heart I thank and sing to the Lord, who has shown me great mercy by delivering me from the fierce sorrow that befell me for my hardness of heart and anger towards the poor. This happened twice, that is, my sin with punishment, sorrow and deliverance from sin and punishment: once - at home upon arrival from the gymnasium and after fervent repentance and falling before the Lord in my prayer room, secondly - in church before and during Vespers. I thank the Lord for the miracles of mercy in me yesterday from morning until evening, during matins and mass, at the beginning of which I was dead in spirit due to the deceit of the devil (served with deacon Vladimir Poletaev and sexton Kamenogradsky) and due to gluttony in the evening; Against my wishes, the mass went on very hastily, and I could hardly muster my courage (the mass for the St. Petersburg woman Natalya, whose son is dissolute). He received Holy Communion through the life-giving mercy of God, which infinitely surpasses the sins of the whole world. He read the prayer behind the pulpit with hope and boldness, loudly and smoothly, and said dismissal quite thoroughly. The prayer service was served without Gospel reading. Was in the school of trusteeship. At the memorial service [...] I prayed with spiritual difficulty in the morning and evening; during the holidays there is devilish cowardice, fear, stumbling and wounding. After the funeral service, repentance and contrition are secret before God, pardon from God is life-giving, joyful. At the christening in the swamp in the house of the Neustroyevs, death from Satan for the sake of my acquisitiveness - for the sake of the baptismal scarf; difficult speaking, struggle, mortal oppression, victory over the grace of sin and a new fall and again rebellion and revival. How much vanity I have! The science of worship should include evening and morning prayers with interpretations, for in monasteries, and even in secular churches, they are often performed together with daily worship. I received permission on October 14 from the members of the trusteeship that there would soon be a shortage of trustee funds in its cash register. Bad news. To You, Lord, Creator and Provider of heaven and earth, to Your inexhaustible bounties I resort with hope with a fiery prayer: from Your inexhaustible and eternal treasures, send down to us Your rich bounties for the maintenance and development of good deeds undertaken for Your glory by parish trusteeship, and do not allow us to remain in the shame of shortcomings and poverty and ridicule from people who themselves do not want to help the poor and the needy, and laugh at those who help, and will rejoice greatly and angrily when they learn about our poverty. Most Holy, All-Good and All-Blessed Lady of the creatures of heaven and earth, through Your omnipotent prayers and Your power and Your bounty, do not forsake us - for we rely on You. Amen. Friday. I thank the Lord for the immeasurable mercy of obedience, quick obedience, benevolence and mercy towards me, passionate, on this day: once in the girls’ gymnasium before visiting the [director] with my wife together with me, in another - in the men’s gymnasium before visiting the director Janish, on the third - before visiting the teacher Titkov, on the fourth - at the Duma watchman Andrei Ivan., after vespers before giving prayer to the mother in labor. [...] (a meeting of some spiritual sisters), fifthly, at the tanner Zakhar Ivanovich Sidorov upon arrival to him and especially upon the arrival of Paraskeva Ivanovna Kovrigina - each time through a prayer of secret repentance. In the science of worship, in the chapter “Preliminary Part,” it is imperative to say about the need for participation in prayer of our entire being, especially the mind, heart and will. What are the internal properties of the worship of our Holy Orthodox Church? Divinity, holiness, truth and truth, wisdom, vitality, cordiality, peace and spiritual sweetness, an irresistible effect on the heart (if it is performed in order and in order by pious and reverent priests and clergy), tenderness - in a word, all Divine grace. What are the properties of sin against which we must fight all our lives, early and late, day and night? - Lies, delusion, uncleanness and abomination, confusion, impudence, violence, persistence, shame, mortification of the soul, desecration, cooling, despondency, powerlessness for good, bitterness or petrification of the heart, opposition to all good, contempt for everything holy, blasphemy, aversion from the divine, a strong inclination towards everything worldly, towards entertainment and pleasures, towards vanity, enrichment, satiety and drunkenness and all kinds of sin. This is serving the devil. The devil also arranges for himself to serve in fornications, theaters, drinking establishments, circuses, gatherings of worldly immorals, in the installation of paintings and statues branded with shamelessness. Saturday. After early mass. I was in the greatest spiritual trouble today during and especially after the early mass before the communion of the Holy Mysteries for the women Paraskeva Kovrigina and Maria Alex. Enemies terribly pressed me with anger towards Paraskeva Kovrigina, and only by the grace and immeasurable mercy of Christ did I overcome anger and through the sacrament of the Holy Mysteries was healed from the poison of anger, which was extremely tormenting me. At Markov Yakov Kalin, he served a prayer service before the holy relics from the Patriarchate of Constantinople with feeling, unfailingly; but after breakfast at the Markovs’ and the delicacy of caviar, and butter, and sweet tea, and wine, the heart became weakened, stupefied, clouded, and afraid, and at Voronina’s the prayer service was served poorly, vaguely, timidly, stumblingly, with inner shame. Evening. After Vespers. I thank the Lord for the miracle of mercy, performed by His goodness and power in the church after Vespers, and especially for the main miracle of mercy before the prayer service and during the prayer service with the holy relics from the Patriarchate of Constantinople in the apartment of Paraskeva Ivanovna Oleinikova, for unfailing service and for delivering from the devilish malice of my heart and pacifying it. Ten o'clock in the evening. After prayer while walking in the fresh air. Now the Lord, most merciful, all-righteous and formidable, obedient and kind to those who sincerely repent, has done great mercy with me, listening to my tearful prayer of repentance and granting me forgiveness of my anger, pride and contempt for the beggar who asked for money for boots, and he consoled me, expanded my heart, reconciled, calmed. After the Gospel, which was not read during the all-night vigil, after the dismissal and after Christ, the true Light... The Lord had mercy, granting deliverance from his [the devil's] dirty tricks. Our current state on earth is a state of wandering, our dwellings are like tents (tabernacles, tents) for pilgrims, just like our churches, larger or smaller, consecrated to the glory of God, are tents. These were the tents or camps that the Jews had in the desert of Arabia, with the tabernacle of meeting 64 in the middle. This thought should be instilled in us by our homes and the very village of the Most High on earth - the house of God, or the church, that is, the thought that we are here strangers, wandering to the heavenly eternal fatherland. And just as the Jews ate heavenly bread in the desert and drank wonderful water from a stone, so we eat the true Heavenly Bread - the Body of Christ and drink the wonderful Drink - the Blood of Christ. Wanderers are not bound by worldly worries on the way, but hasten lightly to the fatherland - and we should not be bound by worldly worries, lusts and pleasures, [must] not have attachments to anything. And just as then poisonous snakes bit the lustful and murmuring, disobedient Jews, so now invisible snakes bite us; Then there was healing - looking at the image of the copper serpent [Num. 21: 4-9], now healing - looking at the Lord Jesus Christ crucified on the Cross (oh, eternal truth!). Our current state on earth is a state of aspiration, expectation in correction and doing good deeds of the second terrible coming of Christ, the World Judgment, the final decision of the fate of the entire human race forever, the end of the world through fire, a state of feat in the fight against sins, sorrows, illnesses, various temptations, and the earth is a place of struggle until sweat and blood are shed. Wisdom, forgive me. Wisdom is the name given to the Hypostatic, eternal Wisdom who created the universe - the Son of God; Wisdom refers to all His wonderful providence for the salvation of the human race, His incarnation, life on earth, His teaching, miracles, suffering, death and burial, resurrection and ascension and second coming. During the Sunday all-night vigil on October 17, I felt sick, cold, lethargic, and extremely prone to sleep due to weakness; I did not finish reading the Gospel of John (do you love Me more than they? [John 21:15]) due to fear of the devil and paralysis of the heart, which is why I felt shame and oppression afterwards, but the Lord, with His mercy, for my repentance, defeated the deceit of the devil in me and calmed me down. I record as a souvenir in the book the infinitely great mercy towards me of my Lord Jesus Christ, as well as the malice that surpasses all measure of Satan. I came to church for late mass. I write down yesterday’s income in the book and see Father Pavel’s unusual writing in the income book with a sensation about me. I was indignant in spirit, I felt hostility towards the abbot, mixed with contempt, which the enemy inflated with terrifying force, and at the same time tormented and oppressed me mortally. I resisted these feelings by all means, condemned myself for pride, pride, impatience, disobedience, for the loss of love and respect for the abbot, I prayed to the Lord to grant me love, respect and obedience to him as a boss appointed by God, even if he sometimes sinned in some way as a person, to condescend to him. For a long time I broke down, wounded intolerably by enemies, and fell many times before the holy throne in all the aisles; The Lord seemed to have abandoned me. Finally it became easier during the proskomedia, and only before the Cherubic Song did the terrible tightness leave me. He then served Mass with great tenderness and tears, with which he [wet] his handkerchief; He received communion without condemnation, life-giving, and preached his old sermon. (Gifts from parishioners and outsiders are heavy for me. Milk and black bread in the evening.) The weather is foggy and heavy. I performed Vespers quite well, peacefully by the grace of God, but after Vespers, during the confusion before the baptism and during the baptism in the church, great grief occurred because of the sexton of Kamenogradsky, who refused to help me at baptism; It was difficult for me to baptize in Vysokaya Street near the house of Yakov Andreev, but at Katugin’s I baptized easily and solemnly (in the house of the widow Petrova in Vladimirskaya Street). Thank God for everything! The Most Holy, Most Pure, Most Blessed Lady Theotokos inspires complete devotion to the Lord, similar to the devotion of the Mother of God and the holy Angels and holy people. I thank the Lord, who delivered me yesterday through the prayer of repentance from internal carnal voluptuousness (in the evening after arriving home from the Markovs). After mass. I thank the Lord, who surprised me with His unspeakably great mercy in delivering me from the evil wiles of the devil, who during mass constantly directed at me with hellish power, and in granting perfect victory over them in the communion of the Holy Mysteries, peace, boldness, freedom, greatness; and again and again, and twice and three times after that, the Lord granted victory over the evil of the devil after mass in the church (the wanderer who asked for a passport; the collector who asked for boots). I thank the Lord, who delivered me from hostility towards my wife, from confusion and distress after I sincerely confessed and repented of the fact that I also responded to her reckless anger and malice at me with irritation and anger, when I should have remained reasonable and calm. I thank the Lord, who did not leave me to fall asleep in confusion and hostility, but who granted me peaceful and restful sleep. I thank the Lord for his help during the service of prayers - at home and in the Kudryavtsevsky wing of the lower ranks (at Makarovich) before the holy relics from Constantinople. He served a small Vespers because of the devil's intimidation and because of the many who had gathered in the church before the holy relics. Meat food causes me severe temptations from invisible enemies, stumbling, embarrassment, and wounding; In addition, the cough is caused by a clogged stomach. We must stop eating meat and be content with soups and cabbage soup. Yesterday's gluttony and wine drinking brought me today an abyss of temptations and sorrows, a terrible demonic storm; my soul was dead, confused, oppressed, darkened; it seemed as if a whole horde of demons was rushing towards me to devour me; I repented during the intervals of the service, when the sexton was reading, I was extremely broken by the torment of the demonic machinations, and for all that I could not pronounce the litanies, especially after yesterday at Vespers I omitted them for fear of the demons. Because of the cloying, excessive caresses of Paraskeva Ivanovna Kovrigina, invisible enemies aroused hostility towards her in my heart, which I could not cope with, suppress it. Oh, damned me! Not only do I not love visible enemies and persecutors, but I also do not know how and do not have the strength to love those who love me, whereas I should reward them with sincere love and fervently pray for the salvation of their souls. This is because the heart is passionate and unclean, but those who love me are pure, simple, humble, kind, and rich in love. My heart is terribly corrupted, corrupted, and killed by constant gluttony. Yes, I am immediately jealous of the Reverend Father John of Rylsky and other reverends, may the Lord grant me care for this and extreme diligence. Time is rushing to an end. Food is for the belly, and the belly is for food; but God will destroy both [1 Cor. 6:13]. It is good to strengthen hearts with grace, and not with foods from which those who engage in them did not benefit [Heb. 13:9]. I thank the Lord, who performed in me the miracle of salvation and transformation of my heart during the Liturgy. In an instant, the disembodied enemy relaxed, stung and killed my soul with stupid addiction and stinginess: when I saw six large candles burning on the throne, I felt sorry for them, and this immediately killed me, depriving me of every living, good, religious feeling. But by the grace of God, which illuminated me with its bright ray, I immediately realized what an absurdity this was, what a contradiction to my rank and ministry, especially to the most heavenly, most holy, spiritual liturgy, which should elevate every heart, especially a priest! Caring for everyday things during the liturgy and in general the service of God morally kills, defiles, humiliates and destroys the soul, perverts it! I began to cry bitterly about my madness, my absurdity, insolence, ingratitude, lack of understanding of my calling in such holy, heavenly, terrible moments, and the Lord wonderfully changed me, transformed me, inflamed me with love for Him and for the holy liturgy and its Sacraments, and I was able to overcome the ethereal enemies who plunged me into a worldly fusion and killed my sinful, multi-passionate soul, and I performed the entire mass well, ardently, with a burning spirit, and took communion without condemnation, and read the prayer behind the pulpit with feeling, calmly, without stumbling, and said my dismissal boldly. God bless! Wednesday. This morning, the evil one brought upon me extremely serious temptations due to yesterday’s gluttony and sweet-eating and sugar-drinking (and perhaps because of clinking glasses of wine at the engagement party). The adversaries did not allow me to pronounce the litanies, confusing, hurting, stumbling, shaming, darkening the meaning; the struggle was hard, to the point of sweat. Before mass, the rector ordered to remove the table and lectern for the holy relics, so as not to give them space; This irritated me extremely and made me angry at him as a persecutor of the sacred, and so I again fell into the trap of the adversary, and he again began to sting and torment me like a snake; I resorted to sincere repentance in my anger and resistance to the abbot (according to the conditions, the relics were to remain for three days in the cathedral, no more, and these were the fourth), and the Lord had mercy on me, changing my accursed, evil heart to good, sick - to healthy, confused - to peaceful, oppressed - to spacious. Towards the end of the mass, after communion of the Holy Mysteries (before that, the entire mass was filled with tearful tenderness), the enemies again confused me with reminders and incitement to their malice and despair in God’s mercy, and only after great efforts did the Lord help to overcome them with faith and trust in the infinite mercy of God. At the prayer service to the holy relics, I emerged victorious over my enemies by grace and saved, at peace. At the prayer service before the holy relics in the hospital [our new one], the Lord helped again. Only while in sorrow can a person fully understand the charm and destruction of sin and bring true repentance to God, therefore the Lord punishes whomever he loves; and he beats every son whom he receives [Heb.12:6]. Only in grief does a believer realize how many idols he has in his heart, which he worships daily, sometimes secretly, sometimes openly. And we all have idols of the heart. I thank the Lord, who delivered me, just before mass, through a prayer of repentance, from the languid bitterness towards Father Superior because of my appointment to the police (and not Father Peter) for swearing in. In the feeling of God's mercy manifest to me, I served mass with feeling, with tears of tenderness and received communion in a good way, but when it was necessary to give communion to the spiritual sisters and brethren (of St. Petersburg) and I saw the first one approaching Paraskeva Ivanovna Kovrigina, the spirit of malice shook me, confused me, wounded me, breathing hostility into my heart: I could not finish reading the prayers of Thy Supper... and Yes, not in judgment..., and then I no longer had peace and was tormented by evil tormentors who entered my heart with inexpressible fury - and how I broke, shrank, shuffled! Serves me right! I must be filled with love, meekness, innocence, I must love my enemies and pray for them, and not just for my sincere well-wishers and well-wishers. Why do I sometimes hate Kovrigina? For her excessive, selfless affection, poverty, ignorance and simplicity! But such feelings should be appreciated all the more; they should be a lesson for me. After much struggle and torment, the Lord finally had mercy on me, delivering me from the tyranny of evil spirits, and I went to the police in peace, then to the gymnasium for one lesson. I served Vespers with difficulty, extreme thorns in my soul due to gluttony and satiety with meat; then at the prayer service at Verzin’s there was an extreme obstacle of adversaries, at the funeral service in Orlova’s house too. Until now I don’t know how to eat: I eat with greed and am satiated, and through this I am deprived of the grace of God, I become a playground and a laughing stock for demons, the target of their shooting. And nature requires very little, very, very much; I'm going against nature, senseless. God! Enlighten, teach and strengthen me to always be abstinent. In the evening I visited Borodulin and Shlyapnikova for a meeting and conversation. As he left, he planted a spark of voluptuousness within himself from careless contact; This confused me and plunged me into cramped conditions. Some sisters (Machigina, Kovrigina, Mironova and Obedkova) accompanied me; I was unhappy with Kovrigina and Obedkova and [Mironov] that they were coming, and I was angry with them. Again there is heavy tightness and sorrow; I intensely repented and prayed secretly to the Lord, while walking, and 65 erased my sins with repentance and tearful contrition. The Lord had mercy. Before early mass, the spirit of malice mortally wounded me because of Paraskeva Kovrigina, a pious old maid, because she often approaches the blessing several times a day - and that she reveres and loves me excessively. But for my deep repentance, the Lord delivered me after quite a long period of hellish torment and after I fell with faith and hope at the holy throne and healed me. Towards the end of the mass, when the children were receiving communion, he became embittered at one ugly old woman through the action of the devil and also suffered for a long time, falling to the Holy Mysteries; The Lord saved me for repentance. At the prayer services, of which there were many by the grace of God, the ethereal enemies presented me with constant obstacles, incessantly biting me to death, indignant, intimidating, not allowing me to pronounce prayer appeals, Gospel readings and prayers. But many times, with a prayer of repentance to the Lord, I drove them away and received freedom and peace, although not suddenly and not very quickly, for they, the accursed, are very stubborn, crafty, evil, rapists and tormentors. I was granted great, extraordinary powers today from the Lord at prayer services (especially in Smirnov’s house with Yulia, in Fedorov’s house in Malaya Ekaterininskaya near the Vienna Hotel), in Karoli’s house with the old man himself, who has a magnificent setting, in the house of Nikolai Machigin - with him himself. He sent Vespers quickly, without litanies; after Vespers - a prayer service with officer Ivanov and Novosilsky, the general, with the help of God; then a hasty funeral service with unspoken exclamations of the litanies. At six o'clock in the evening, reading about the appearance of the Kazan Icon of the Mother of God in the House of Diligence; Before the reading, invisible enemies confused and irritated me, but with prayer to the Lord I drove them away and calmed down. The success of the readings was great by the grace of God. Strive until you bleed against all sin and remember for what bliss, which has endless centuries to last, we strive, for what Kingdom of God, the Kingdom of truth, peace, joy in the Holy Spirit, which is still beginning here, we lift up the work of righteousness, the work of struggle against sin; after all, after any successful struggle with God’s help, you feel peace, self-satisfaction, affinity with God and close communication with Him, light, strength, boldness, triumph of the spirit. And every sin humiliates, defiles, plunges every soul into darkness, sorrow, oppression, weakens, kills it, depriving it of the tyrannical grace of God and ruling in the heart of the sinner brazenly and robberly. We sin constantly and, satisfying our passions, for example, anger, hostility, rage, we justify ourselves by condemning others, those with whom we are angry, instead of sincerely condemning ourselves. O man! Do not bring ungodly self-justification instead of self-condemnation, condemn yourself mercilessly, may God’s perfect truth have mercy on you. Hold on to love with all your heart, meekness, kindness, obedience. At the end of the mass, when Martha Mikhailovna, my spiritual daughter, presented my crippled son Vanya, I felt hostility towards her and the child through the devil’s delusion, and this feeling now deprived me of the blessed peace received through communion of the Holy Mysteries, and I was so embarrassed and powerless to overcome this hostility that I could not calmly read the prayer behind the pulpit and say dismissal. It's because of gluttony. During the consumption of the Holy Gifts, the Lord had mercy and pacified. In the evening I served two prayer services calmly, without stumbling by the grace of God, for which I thank the Lord; Lyubov Petrovna Estafieva has her children Vladimir and Andrey Andreevich. Before the prayer service in the apartment of Vasily Vasilyevich Prokhorov, my Lord Jesus Christ accomplished in me, through my prayer of repentance and a firm heartfelt view of Him, [cleansing] from the filth and impurity of the voluptuousness of the heart, which wounded and killed my soul and body during a conversation with his daughter Anisia Vasilievna, and then I served the prayer service with great boldness, freedom, peace, without stumbling. Oh, how deadly is the fire of earthly lusts for our souls, created for heavenly, incorruptible, purest pleasures in God! How capricious our soul is to our misfortune when appreciating persons and objects of pleasure. How he despises an ugly, unpleasant-looking face and even looks at it with hostility, although that person is good at heart and is not guilty of anything against us, and how voluptuously he is carried away by a beautiful and pleasant face, as if the person himself is the culprit of beauty, and as if beauty is his merit and dignity, and as if beautiful faces are not ugly and insidious, cunning, cunning, evil in soul! (An old woman bringing a child to communion, and another, mother Martha, bringing the crippled Vanya.) Sunday. A hundred times today the Lord delivered me from the evil, destructive wiles of the evil one during the Sunday all-night vigil, early mass and prayer service to the Most Holy Theotokos “Joy of all who mourn.” Once he delivered at the beginning of the all-night vigil, when I was dead at heart, then after the sixth psalm (Degtev read slowly, as if mumbled, and I became mortally embittered with him, I was struck in the heart, but for sincere repentance I was pardoned by the Lord); then after the dismissal before the prayer to Christ, the True Light, after the dismissal of the first hour at the beginning of the liturgy, after the reading of the Gospel, after the great entrance, before the prayer behind the pulpit (a terrible demonic evil storm), and at prayer services there is constant temptation and constant deliverance. During Vespers, a wonderful deliverance from the sorrow and distress that befell me for being upset with old lady Kovrigina for frequently approaching the blessing and with the abbot for doing little and receiving a large reward not for deeds - I repented and thanked God for everything. When compiling a science of worship, include in the program a description of the ranks of saints: apostles, holy hierarchs, saints, unmercenaries, apostolic men, martyrs, patriarchs, prophets. This is all illustrated with pictures. Monday. I thank the Lord, who gave me a tearful prayer for sins before Matins while walking around the courtyard and a fiery prayer, with great faith and hope, for the House of Diligence, may he establish, expand and perfect the works of charity in it and may he provide material means of subsistence in abundance. This prayer was accompanied by great tenderness and an outpouring of streams of tears. I hope that the Lord, rich in mercy, has accepted my prayer and will surprise us with His usual mercies. Whoever, among the faithful sons of Russia and honorers of the memory of the late sovereign, wants to honor the memory of the sovereign with philanthropy, let him deign to help the House of Diligence either with a temporary or permanent contribution. I thank the Lord, who healed me from bodily weakness (burning pain in the back) after Matins. The burning sensation due to being yesterday in the air stale from the multitude of people in the House of Diligence while reading [...]. I thank the Lord, who saved me from anger towards Paraskeva Kovrigina for her frequent kissing of my hands out of her great respect and love for me. I deeply repented of my anger, and the Lord had mercy. God! And I don’t know how to love those who love me, let alone those who hate me. Damn me! Alas for me, a sinner! I thank the Lord for His great, all-merciful deliverance of my unworthiness in the gymnasium, upon leaving Titkov’s apartment, where I was tempted [...]. My heart is unclean, an unclean thought and an unclean feeling cut me off, and I became dead in my heart, but through sincere repentance and firm looking to the Lord with prayer I was cleansed, healed and revived. And my soul triumphed in the righteousness of God and the mercy of God. I thank the Lord for delivering me from anger towards Paraskeva Kovrigina in Anna Gerasimova’s apartment and towards this latter for inviting me to Popova’s house. That is why I was in sorrow and distress when reading the story about the life and exploits of Saint Matrona, who left her husband for the sake of saving her soul and pleasing the Lord 66. Then I prayed to the Lord with secret and open prayer, and the Lord had mercy on me, pacified me, and I freely and cheerfully completed the life of the saint. I thank the Lord, who accepted my repentance at home in embitterment and anger at my wife for moving my “Conversations” - from the chest of drawers to my bookcase against my desire and who gave me, after great grievous sorrow and cramped space and freedom, when I sincerely and deeply repented. In the church and in church services, symbolism (imagery) has an extensive place, that is, the depiction of persons and objects of invisible or Christian truths of faith (dogmas), rules through visible things: the cross, icons, candles, lamps, censer or incense, sacred vessels, clothing, sacred rites, for example, the opening of the royal doors and closing them, the sign of the cross, the entry of small and great, raising of hands. A Christian needs to understand it and penetrate with his mind into its innermost meaning. The basis and example of this liturgical symbolism is the Gospel - many figurative and [intelligible] teachings and conversations of Jesus Christ and the holy apostles; for example, the Lord says about the Baptist: He was a lamp, burning and shining [John 5:35], You are the light of the world [Matthew 5:14], or: all of you who were baptized into Christ have put on Christ [Gal.3:27], and so on. Therefore, the very things, like sacred rites, in the Church are instructive and edifying; everything in it speaks to the mind and heart, everything teaches, edifies, consoles, admonishes, excites. The list of short appeals to the Lord is remarkable, indicating what we should always pray to God for; wonderful are the sacred songs, or verses of psalms and stichera, or hymns, in which the good deeds to us of God, the Mother of God, the deeds of the saints are glorified, which we [must] imitate, with which we must encourage and inflame ourselves to the love of God, to faith, hope, patience, truth and holiness. O holy faith of Christ, saving, full of miracles! How can I worthily glorify you, how can I thank the Lord, who benefits me through her and constantly saves me from destructive passions? Every day I live and walk as if over a fire-breathing mountain, temporarily extinguished, but ready to ignite at the first impact of the devil’s harmful breath on it, at my first carelessness, at the slightest passionate movement of my heart. My destruction is within me, held only by the grace and mercy of the Lord, who descended into hell, and erased the power of the devil, and who gave me the power to curb the fiends of hell - my passions, and I subdue them, I rule over them only thanks to the name and power of the Lord Jesus Christ, called upon by me at every beginning of their rage. I am safe from them only thanks to my faith in the Lord, my unfeigned repentance, strong, persistent gaze and heartfelt appeal to the Lord, the only one who can save from every harmful manifestation of passions. And here I am in the shadow of His wings, safe and at peace every day and hour. Glory to Your saving faith, O Christ God! But enlighten and save through her all Your people, O Most Merciful and All-Bountiful, for they are all the work of Your hands. Save my wife Elizabeth, who is cold towards You, and these children, given to us by You for education - Rufina and Elizabeth, and their mother Anna. There is a lot of earthly, alien, ungodly fire in me and little heavenly, holy, Godly fire; various earthly passions are still alive in my heart and every day they plunge me into destruction, from which only my Lord continually rescues me. I must especially respect those who live in constant repentance, in prayer and works pleasing to God and in communion with the Lord through communion with His Holy, Divine, life-giving and terrible Mysteries - I mean pious women and men, my spiritual children. They are pleasing to God and dear to the Angels. I experienced a painful, nasty, powerless, shameful state today for about eight hours as a result of needlessly eating ham with black bread in the morning and drinking three glasses of sweet tea, and at twelve o’clock in the afternoon eating pickled pineapple and drinking excellent wine (two glasses). And in the eighth grade at the gymnasium, I felt morally unwell, powerless, my heart and mind were darkened, and I answered students’ questions about predestination with difficulty, unclearly, unprovenly, inconclusively, promising to think about it and answer satisfactorily another time. Prayer services were served poorly until high school, omitting the Gospels and much more. The Church is the holy, great body of Christ, a sacred and Divine union. This body exists both in heaven and on earth, for the Church is heavenly and earthly. We all, Orthodox Christians, must always look at ourselves and each of us as members of Christ and members of each other and live in holiness, love, meekness, humility, kindness, obedience, mercy and mutual assistance. How the Lord is and is glorified in His glorified members who live in heaven, and even in many members who live on earth! How He was glorified among the apostles, martyrs, hierarchs, saints, righteous and all saints! We kiss their relics and enjoy their fragrance and incorruptibility, we are granted miraculous healings and various gifts by the grace of Christ. (Into the science of worship.) The Christian Orthodox faith has its fullest justification and proof of its truth and salvation in all the saints - in the patriarchs, prophets, apostles, martyrs, hierarchs, saints and righteous people and all the saints who, with the help of God, achieved all virtue and perfection, pleased God and received eternal life with eternal blessings. Who is against such evidence? – They are denouncers of unbelief and immorality of today's Christians. Wednesday. I thank the Lord for the liturgy served by me, and for the wonderful victory of God’s grace over my sins and weaknesses, and for the wonderful revival of me, killed by my sins; The communion of the Holy Mysteries wonderfully revived me: I was renewed, pacified, I became completely healthy, previously weak. I thank the Lord for the glorious deliverance from the flattery of the devil and his captivity in church during Vespers today and then in the house [...] in apartment No. 5 before the prayer service and for the unfailing, heartfelt service of the prayer service. I fell into the greatest spiritual trouble in the evening, going to the christening of Pyotr Nikolaevich Slavinsky; I was punished with terrible cramped conditions and torment for my anger at the poor and for giving small alms, reluctantly and with vexation; and so I went to the house of Mikhail, and not Nikolai, as it should have been, Korshunov, and repented, shifting restlessly and wanting to free myself from the poisonous stings of snakes, and already at Korshunov’s house I barely got rid of it through invoking the all-saving name of the Lord Jesus Christ; here I met Korshunov himself and went with him to his son-in-law. I performed the christening with great difficulty because of the scarf that was constantly teasing me. O covetousness! How it turns my life and its direction upside down! Earthly things have taken possession of my heart, and it is not heavenly goods that captivate it; earthly things bind, darken, weaken, dishonor, and torment me terribly. Meanwhile, the righteous await eternal enjoyment of incorruptible blessings, life with the Angels and all chosen people. Oh, what, what blessings are we deprived of through addiction to earthly corruptible goods and through cooling towards God, towards the Mother of God, towards the holy Angels and holy saints and towards all the blessed! During the early mass, I felt extremely weak and half-dead morally, and with great tears I bowed down to God’s mercy, which I was worthy of, for by the grace of Christ I had overcome my internal enemies who had attacked me; received life-giving communion; I read the prayer behind the pulpit solemnly and loudly, and said the dismissal without hesitation and boldly. In the evening, prayer services were served at Stepan Alex. Loshkina and Prokopiy Evdok. Oleynikova (Paraskeva birthday girl). Before the prayer service at Loshkin’s, I secretly prayed to the Lord on my knees for forgiveness of my hard-heartedness and the reproach with which I reviled the poor, and for the granting of peace to me, and the Lord honored me with His mercy: he served the prayer service without stumbling. At the end of the prayer service, the enemy was wounded by a nasty thought, but with faith and repentance he repelled this demonic harm. He also served with Oleinikov without stumbling and sincerely. God bless! He was also edifying in conversation with the female sex, and partly with the male sex (two people). Evening. In the apartment of Paraskeva Ivanovna Oleynikova it was necessary to serve a memorial service for Evdokia Nikitichna, the dry hand; It was not her fault that she slowed down, but I waited, arriving early, not at the scheduled time; At the end of the wait I became impatient, and when she came, I - alas for me! - he became angry with her, saying that they should charge you a fine for our long wait; began to serve a memorial service - alas! - bound by malice, the leader of all evil, Belial, and unworthily, without love, served the requiem, silent in confusion and cramped conditions, not uttering prayers and petitions due to the deadness of the heart; And so he ended unworthily, without uttering a prayerful promise for the repose and salvation of the departed. Mortified by anger, even after the funeral service I was angry with her, and only her tears softened me and turned me to sincere repentance and asking her for forgiveness; here I gradually calmed down and again repeated the prayers for the dead calmly, cordially, and truly finished the requiem service, and then, having blessed the meal, I treated myself. (I wanted to leave completely after the funeral service, but they begged me.) Oh, how impatient, unloving, irritable I am. In a moment he fell away from love and fell into malice, and yet true, unfading love should be an inalienable virtue of the priesthood, that is, every priest who is and should be an instrument of God’s love and mercy for people: he must be all complete love, everlasting, undying. I deeply grieved the mentioned servant of God, and she wept bitterly because of me. I reassured and consoled her, reconciling with her (I was upset because I came late and we waited a long time). Saturday. After the all-night vigil. At the beginning of the all-night vigil, I was in extreme frailty and mental decrepitude: firstly because of drinking vodka at Voznesensky’s in the first hour and, secondly, because of greed for meat, which I ate quite a bit at dinner today. But then I began to force myself to think and fervently pray, and the Lord sent sighs and prayer with tears. During the censing on the polyeleos, there was anger at the former [...] (Neustroyeva) for her proud neck. I bowed, she did not; my spiritual death, deep reflection and repentance; If there is, Lord, a change of hearts from evil to good, change mine too. Pardoned. What great trust was placed in the priest by the grace of the Holy Spirit. What heavenly, life-giving, terrible Mysteries she entrusted him with to perform for the salvation of herself and others, what multitudes, multitudes of people she entrusted to his prayers, for she inspired him to pray for the whole world: for the king and the authorities, for the clergy, for everyone, for everyone! What a priest should be like! What perfect love must dwell in his heart in order to sincerely always pray to God for everyone - for those near and far! What kindness, what meekness and humility should always manifest itself in him! Sunday. The serpent managed to wound my heart with the internal false shame of the sweetest, greatest, terrible, all-saving name of the Lord Jesus Christ, when I thought of calling on him before the public reading in the House of Diligence, the accursed one. I condemn myself for one moment of such doubt and false shame. I am for you, and not against you, brothers! From morning to lunch the greatest burden, hellish cramped conditions, painful irritability. He gave communion to Verzina Alexandra Nikiforovna until late mass and to another old woman in Kurmashev's house. At the prayer service at Verzin, punctuation is from Belial; when giving prayers to mothers in labor in the Assumption Church, there was terrible fervor and hesitation from the demons, painful, deadening, soul-shattering stings. While reading the prayer for the destruction of sedition, he was again extremely embarrassed, confused and wounded by demons, but again he begged the Lord for mercy and peace and prayed fervently; at the great entrance there was again confusion, but again I begged the Lord during the litany Let us fulfill our prayer...; then he performed the Sacraments calmly and received communion calmly and life-giving; in front of the pulpit, the devil again surrounded me with his ghostly fears and confused me with certain words, but, without stumbling through his intrigues and plagues, the theft of words, I went out to preach a sermon and said it with liveliness, loud and clear; [...], was in distress and loss of spirit, apparently from the devil, and did not let go out of false shame and fear of many acquaintances and strangers, supposedly significant people. Isn't everyone equal before God in the church? Does not the Lord Jesus Christ teach: do not even know the face of your father and mother and brothers, not only those you know or the rich and noble, when it comes to serving God! When serving God, do not even be ashamed or afraid of the one who bears the scepter and the orb, for he, along with others, is a servant of God. I thank the Lord, who pacified and revived my soul through my prayer before celebrating the home all-night vigil at Paraskeva Al. Murashova, and even during the all-night vigil itself, who granted me deliverance from the wiles of the devil and who granted me the freedom, sincerity, and success to serve the short all-night vigil. I will sing a note of gratitude (church glory) - I send out thanksgiving. Rumor (Church Slavic) – rebellion, unrest; vanity, confusion. The prayers of the lamp at Vespers are the first, third and fifth. Tabernacle (Church Glav.) – tent, hut, canopy; the tabernacle of meeting - the tabernacle of meeting; among the ancient Jews it served as a place for storing the Ark of the Covenant and making sacrifices before the construction of the Jerusalem Temple. Exhaust (obsolete) – erase, crush. Venerable Matrona of Constantinople (5th century). Memory 9/22 November.