Сентябрь 1882 г.

Wednesday. I thank the Lord, who surprised His mercy in me, many-passionate and much-weak, before the prayer service at the school of care, when the devil constrained me with his hellish vice, bringing despondency, cowardice, fear, fear, humiliation, languor, torment. When I secretly cried out to the Lord with all my heart, help was ready: I ​​was revived, calmed, consoled, strengthened in spirit and served good. Oh, and henceforth, and better than that, grant, Lord, to serve You, the way I read and sing the canons and stichera in church. I thank the Lord with all my heart for His immeasurable mercy, revealed in me during the singing and reading of the canon and stichera, and especially during the service of the Liturgy, which was without stumbling by the grace of God, for the life-giving communion of the Holy Mysteries, for the unstumbling, free reading of the prayer behind the pulpit. I thank the Lord for the grace of the evening stichera, for his help during the service of the prayer service at Gulyaev’s in the newly opened tavern with many gathered, during the celebration of the Sacrament of Baptism in Adamovich’s house, for God’s wonderful help to Fyodor Popov in his difficult financial circumstances and for delivering him and his family from complete ruin. During early mass today I was in the greatest trouble from the enemies of salvation and from my intemperance and drunkenness since the evening (at the Markovs), and from addiction to greed (for two christenings with prayers to the mother in labor, I wanted to take money, four rubles, for myself, but with this money the invisible enemies caught me before the Cherubic song and earlier and during the entire mass they did not give me rest, and I promised to write half of it into the brotherly mug), and took communion not completely at peace, and did not read the entire prayer behind the pulpit, and shamefully stole my release. Only through the consumption of the Holy Gifts and after sincere repentance did the Lord give me peace, freedom, and strength. I sinned before the Lord - I grumbled at His infinite goodness out of thoughtlessness and ingratitude at the thick smoke that floats in the air for three days and three nights from the burning forest and peat swamp on the Oranienbaum side, while I am not worthy to breathe this stinking and body-cutting air due to my sins. Forgive me, Lord! He sinned against the Lord, before the people, that he ill-wished the British in the war with the Muslim Egyptians and gloated about their failures at the beginning, saddened about the defeat of the Egyptians by the British after the victory of the British [...]. We must wish everyone good and good success. After the all-night vigil. I thank the Lord for the sweet tenderness given to me through my prayer, and for my repentance for ill-wishing the British in their war with the Egyptians and gloating at some failures. I came to my senses and desired to sincerely wish to be kind to every person, especially a Christian, especially the Christian people, and even non-Christian ones, so that he too would know the power and authority of Christ our God and turn away from the delusion of his pagan or Mohammedan faith. I thank the Lord for countless mercies during the service of early mass in the Duma, for tenderness and tears, for the non-judgmental communion of the Holy Mysteries, for revival, for the prayer behind the pulpit, for a loud, expressive voice, for help during the service of prayers, memorial services for the wife of Janish 56, the director of the gymnasium, for the wonderful changes in me by the right hand of the Most High upon calling His name before and during funeral services and after them. I thank the Lord for my repeated salvation from sorrows and hardships during Matins through the invocation of His name in repentance. I thank the Lord for the glorious salvation from the movement of the devil’s malice in my heart against the poor during my passage to Kuznetsov, to his mother-in-law Evdokia [Lukinishna] Gulyaeva, and from hellish cramped conditions. I prayed with faith for repentance in their apartment, and the Lord granted forgiveness, deliverance, peace, and freedom. God forbid you eat in the morning when there is no need. I lose power over my heart and die in soul when I eat tea in the morning. This is how it was today and yesterday: I was not myself in the classes and lost power over the boys of the fifth grade. I thank the Lord for deliverance from spiritual death, from the oppression and sorrow that befell me for my secret anger towards the reader Michael after I shouted to him three times to read the pictorial psalm Praise, my soul, the Lord [Ps. 145] before the priest read to the King of Heaven before the start of mass. I thought that out of stubbornness he did not want to read after the first or second time, whereas it turned out that he did not hear the order. With a prayer of heartfelt repentance, I begged the Lord, and He took death away from my heart and gave me life and peace. And after the great entrance he gave tears of tenderness; received life-giving communion. I didn’t read all of the pulpit due to the evil and all-evil and all-violent resistance of the adversary. Levanda's sermon 57 on the Nativity of the Virgin Mary said magnificent and well, he stole the dismissal for fear of demons. During and after Vespers, the Lord delivered me from many sins: from evil suspicion and secret anger towards Father Alexander (the next) Taratin for his removal (as if) from serving the deceased V. Fad. Kozmina (Colonel) and for concealing income. I recognized my sin and the devil’s machinations, repented, and God delivered me from the death of sin. At Koshukov’s prayer service, the Lord helped through secret prayer; I served magnificently with Schauman by the grace of the Lord (at Koshukov’s prayer service I suffered a severe headache and could barely speak). Schauman also suffered, but was unstoppable. Before the service with Koshukov, I went to the altar of the Assumption Church to venerate the Holy Altar in the cramped state of sin with repentance, asking for mercy and deliverance from heart death, and soon the Lord performed a miracle of revival in me: I came out calm in spirit, although with a sore head. [...], the navigator's officer's son-in-law, at his christening had a terrible struggle with invisible enemies because of the sting of covetousness (handkerchief); could barely speak words. In the end, the enemy prevailed, due to my impatience and fear, but through the prayer of repentance I got rid of my enemies in the officer’s apartment. When I went out for a walk in the yard from the house, I saw a beggar woman outside the gate asking me for alms, and I was upset with her for begging late and became angry with her and hurt myself. After sincere repentance, he was pardoned, revived, and comforted by the Lord. Various worldly passions make me a stranger and an enemy to God, and therefore I should not at all consider everything earthly and perishable as something important and worthy of the affection of the heart: food, drink, elegant clothing, an elegant home with expensive and elegant furnishings, money, and distinctions, and ranks, earthly power and authority. So, do not give yourself up to the pleasures of food and drink, sleep, do not become attached to clothes and these beautiful rags, red or half red and half black ribbons, blue, dark blue, white and all sorts of others 58 that decorate the body, but cannot decorate the imperishable soul, which must have its own imperishable adornments. When the wind changed from southwest to north, I got a severe headache, and I became extremely nervous and painfully pale, so that my comrade, Father Alexander, was very surprised at my change. My head definitely wanted to split at Koshukov’s prayer service. After the christening, son-in-law Korshunov’s pain went away, for by the grace of God the wind changed. I thank the Lord, who called me to serve the early liturgy, which I served (without attending the all-night vigil) by His grace successfully, although at the beginning I felt the death of my heart (spiritual, not physical); He received Holy Communion in a life-giving manner, read the pulpit without hesitation or omission, and did not say the dismissal entirely from the devil’s relaxation. I thank the Lord, who surprised me with His greatest mercy at twelve o’clock at night, when I became angry and internally embittered with my wife for not allowing me to hang portraits of the Emperor and Empress in the hall. The devil took possession of my heart, and I was mortally cramped from my pride, malice, and self-will. I repented of falling away from love because of empty things, condemned myself, asking that my heart would change from malice to goodness, from crampedness to open space, from confusion to the world, and the Lord gave me life and peace, and I thanked the Lord. I thank the Lord for the wonderful salvation of my unworthiness from bitterness and its cruel consequences in me. The beggar boy Golovlev approached me for the second time asking for money; I didn’t trust him, thinking that he was using his money for bad reasons, and I pushed him with anger two or three times, and then I took pity and gave ten kopecks, fearing the wrath of God for disfavoring poverty. I was all in distress, fire, in death, in hell, but, having sincerely repented twice and thrice, I received forgiveness, peace and great mercy. Glory to the Lord, who is invincible in mercy, but I am ashamed of my face, uncorrected, proud, malicious, ungrateful, voluptuous, selfish, lazy, careless. I thank the Lord, who granted me His sweet Kingdom during the all-night vigil on the Nativity of the Virgin Mary (how great is the power of sin that has destroyed humanity, and how great is the love, wisdom and power of God, who delivered us from sin, curse and death through the incarnation and incarnation of the Son of God). I had a severe temptation on September 4 (Saturday) because at ten o’clock in the morning I ate soft, hot sieve bread with butter (drank tea). This food in my stomach became a hellish burden: I was in cramped conditions, in shame, despondency and loss of spirit and could barely control myself in the fifth grade of the gymnasium; in the intervals between the fifth and third grades of the gymnasium, it became easier through the prayer of repentance; The Lord delivered us from oppressive oppression with His infinite mercy. Science never eats anything in the morning. If disagreement and strife, anger and hostility occur because of some thing, and this thing is not needed, but is only a luxury, then neglect the thing, leave it in order to maintain peace and love among yourself. (Portraits of the sovereign and empress.) I thank the Lord for saving me from hostility towards the naval officer when I met him. I thank the Lord, who delivered me many times during the liturgy and gave me the grace to serve it with a great feeling of tenderness and tears. I thank the Lord, who has changed my heart from contempt, malice, envy, zeal 59 against my brother Alexander and who has granted simplicity, love and peace. Spiritual integrity is greatly hampered by earthly thoughts and passions. The sin of a priest is not the same as the sin of a layman. A priest is required to live a holy and immaculate life, exemplary for everyone, and if he sins with his mind and will (or even involuntarily), he sins gravely and is subject to severe punishment, for his sin can be a temptation for many; and he also has more knowledge of the law of God and strength to fulfill it; and besides, through sin he weakens and dies spiritually and is deprived of God’s helping, sanctifying, strengthening, enlightening grace. I thank the Lord, who had mercy on me with indescribable mercy upon my arrival home from the gymnasium, when I sincerely repented of my anger at the beggars standing at the gate, and in my absurd words (“Should I give you alms until your death!”). This bitterness and these words were for me a choking poison that corrupted my soul, and my sins burdened me, and I sincerely named all my main sins in repentance, and then the Lord had mercy on me, reconciled with me, reconciled me, revived me, and gave me peace. Glory to His mercy, His invincible goodness! And during Matins, the Lord delivered me from the devil’s anger at Father Alexander because, while I was reading the canon, he absentmindedly walked around the main altar. I sinned by falling away from love for my brother, by malice and zeal. Because of repentance, I was pardoned. After the christening at Lieutenant Fimin's house in Tsepov's house. Because of the silk handkerchief, I did not see the light of God when performing a spell over the devil [during] the performance of the Sacrament, the reading of a prayer; the devil darkened me, confused me, killed me, put me to shame; I missed the Gospel and many prayers, dismissal). And how many times have I bowed before the Lord in repentance and prayer for salvation from temptation! In vain: the handkerchief was in the eyes - that’s the problem! And this rag, which seemed important and big, did so much evil that it turned the heart away from God and filled it with confusion, storm, hellish darkness, fire, death, shame, disgrace! My God! Oh, vain addiction! O destruction of souls! Oh, separation from the sweet life of God! Oh, shameful combination with the enemy! But after the christening, when I sincerely repented and prayed to the Lord, He gave me peace and silence. God bless! Sunday. In a dream I saw Metropolitan Isidore, to whom I came with a paper (petition or report); he received me very warmly, with love, which comforted me very much. I soon submitted the presentation, crossed out half of it, and considered it unnecessary. It is more blessed to give than to receive [Acts 20:35]. The more zealous those who give me different things, the more difficult it becomes for me during divine services, as if the sins of those who give are aggravated on me, and the devil takes complete control of my heart through covetousness. But it is absolutely necessary to despise everything that is perishable, to be content only with what is necessary, to distribute excesses to those in need without regret, without stinginess, without annoyance, with willingness, with love, with zeal and goodwill. Nine and a half o'clock in the morning. I thank the Lord, who mercifully delivered me from sorrow, oppression and anger towards the poor and exchanged the malice of my heart for kindness, meekness and peace. I want to tell you the countless miracles of salvation revealed in me today by my Lord Jesus Christ through one faith and calling on His wonderful name with all my heart in repentance. Firstly, at the very beginning of the late mass, He, the all-merciful One, raised me from hellish narrowness to space and from death to life, from the devilish omnipresence of my accursed soul to the breadth of heartfelt life, so that I marveled at the wonderful change in me from the life-giving right hand of the Lord, from the life-giving power of the Spirit of the Holy Comforter. As a result of this, I served the liturgy with tenderness and tears and read the prayer for the admonition of seditious people and general [silence] calmly, loudly, expressively from beginning to end, and this was previously difficult for me under the machinations of demons. At the end, he stole the prayer behind the pulpit out of embarrassment and fear of demons, did not say the whole exclamation, and then at a private prayer service he added a few. At Komarov’s prayer service, the enemy was embarrassing and sarcastic, but after a prayer of repentance the Lord freed him from the enemy; Then, in Klimov’s house and at Smirnov’s, the Lord made good progress in prayer, and the enemy’s machinations were destroyed. But in the apartment of Colonel Rumyantsev (artillery) I was in danger: hellish machinations reached extreme limits, extreme cunning and force because of a handkerchief rag. The enemies continually stung, wounded, confused and killed my soul, as if they were piercing me with needles in a thousand places, and every now and then I shrank and prayed secretly to the Lord, looking towards the Vladimir Church, which was before my eyes. He baptized a weak seven-month-old baby with a short baptism, and then with difficulty, hesitation and eclipse in the mind and heart, with extreme wounding; but after the Sacrament and rituals were completed, I sincerely prayed - and was miraculously pardoned, saved, and at peace. The prayer service at the Slavinskys was served by the grace of God successfully, lively, solemnly; christening at the craftsman's outbuilding A.G. Britneva performed freely, peacefully, until he began to think about the scarf - where it was, and then he began to stumble, the spiritual chariot moved with difficulty, especially during the prayer service for Baptism. In the Kudryavtsevsky wing the prayer service was served in order, but tired. After the prayer service, during the meal and conversation, the tall girl, Anna, became ill: she fell and lay there, struggling with pain, and finally stood up, raised. I thank the Lord, who saved me from the oppression of the enemy during Matins and who gave me the gift of glorifying the renovation of the temple in Jerusalem, the Cross of the Lord and the Hieromartyr Cornelius the Centurion. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the destructive movement in my heart and in the flesh of carnal love from the approach of a girl and her caresses (at home at ten o’clock in the morning) after fervent prayer to the Lord. I thank the Lord for the greatest mercy and help to me, unworthy, during the service of early mass on the day of the Exaltation of the Precious Cross; at the beginning of the service I was spiritually dead, but the prayer of repentance and heartfelt contrition, falling to the Holy Altar, brought down the life-giving grace of the Holy Spirit upon me, and I rose up, came to life, calmed down, strengthened, rejoiced and served the entire mass calmly, animatedly, sincerely, loudly, took communion life-giving, delivered the sermon with animation and took a complete leave. He was in St. Petersburg, prayed with the faithful in their homes, treated himself, and returned home at eleven and a half o'clock at night. I thank the Lord for deliverance from the evil machinations of the devil, from malice, envy and hostility towards the rector and for the gift of righteousness, meekness, gentleness, simplicity, goodwill, love during Matins and Vespers today. For everything, glory to the Lord! Remember, Lord, in Your Kingdom all those who commanded me in the city of Peter to pray for them, and in this city and everywhere. Reward them for their sacrifices, material and perishable, with Thy immaterial and perfect grace, giving them everything they need for salvation and for temporary life. Bless and reward their zeal for me for Your sake. Amen. Six o'clock in the evening. Thursday. Morning. I thank the Lord, who repeatedly delivered me from the poison and fire of hell during Matins, thrown into my soul by the adversary because of my opposition to the abbot in thoughts (and not in words or in deeds), when he locked the southern doors in the altar in front of me, and because of the indignation against him for his hard-heartedness, stinginess and intractability to the poor during all the years of his priesthood here (twenty-six) despite his very great wealth (about one hundred thousand), because of my contempt for him in my heart and thoughts and hostility towards him. I repented of these sinful feelings, sincerely condemned myself, who was afflicted with great and grave sins and was not improving, I prayed to the Lord to soften our hardened hearts, to melt their ice and warm them with love for God and our neighbors, which is most necessary, of all treasures, and which is eternal life. The Lord had mercy on me several times due to renewed falls and repentance, giving peace and healing to my soul. Nine and a half o'clock in the morning. I send glory to Christ God, who graciously listened to my secret prayer for deliverance from the fierce demonic intrigues that befell me in Romashov’s house after the prayer service at the sick Martha’s and tormented and depressed me on the way to the house of Serebryakova (birthday girl Euphemia) and in Euphemia’s apartment itself before the prayer service and during the prayer service; The Lord soon sovereignly delivered me, giving me peace, freedom, sincerity and righteousness, firmness and steadfastness during the prayer service, but - oh, my grief and my weakness! - at the end of the prayer service I slipped again, doubted, was overcome by my thoughts, and the enemy wounded me with new fury, thrusting his hellish sting into my heart, and all the way to the cathedral I suffered in soul and body, tormented by 60 stings of the enemy; I went into the cathedral, kissed the holy altar many times in repentance, and the Lord again had mercy and delivered my soul from death. God bless! Deacon Bystryakov told me a lot about Father Alexander the Priest, a treasure trooper, not knowing who will collect his wealth, and about Father Deacon Vladimir Poletaev, and I, a sinner, agreed and laughed derogatorily and maliciously - I did not act out of love, but contrary to the law of love, which covers everything, endures everything, never falls away. Is my share small? Isn't it great? Ten o'clock in the evening. I thank You, Lord, for Your miracles and mercies in delivering my unworthiness during Vespers from some hostility towards the abbot and spiritual distress; I thank you most of all for the greatest mercy of Your salvation during my service at the all-night vigil with the Halakhs, when the Lord delivered me through tears and secret prayers of repentance from sorrow, oppression, fear of demons, dumbness and powerlessness of the heart and gave me strength, life, peace, boldness, and courage, and the power of speech. The mercies of God, which began early in the morning, were manifested in me until late in the evening. During Matins, the Lord repeatedly delivered me from the evil wiles of the devil and the deadly, burning poison of the serpent, then during the prayer service with Alex. [...]. Estafiev (the name day of the beautiful daughter), where there was a grave temptation from unclean spirits on the part of sensuality, defeated by the grace of Christ through the prayer of repentance; at the end of the prayer service, however, the enemy again forced me to leave and seriously wounded me, but the ulcer was healed during the prayer service at the Leontyevs (the birthday girl herself); then at a prayer service with Osip Petrovich, when there was a strong temptation from the evil one, there was great help; then, after lessons in the gymnasium, at the Titkovs’ prayer service, with strong temptations from voluptuousness and seduction, great help again came through the prayer of repentance with tears, and at the end, at the all-night vigil at the Galakhovs, during a grave temptation from all-evil demons, after a secret tearful prayer (served without a deacon), the Lord showed such great and obvious help that I triumphed and rejoiced at the imminent intercession grace. At Olga Afanasyevna Karpova’s prayer service, God’s help was also revealed - in a word, God’s mercy and deliverance constantly accompanies me everywhere. Recorded September 18 morning. The most severe and lasting temptation came to me late in the evening because of the sexton Mikhail Bystryakov - because of his claim that, due to his absence from church, I took the altar watchman Procopius with me to the service, for which he received only twenty kopecks. His claims with offense against me - I was offended by his impudence and was in strong agony, which the evil one aroused in me, and only then did I calm down when I realized my sin of impatience and bitterness, falling away from love for my neighbor, for I had to meekly endure this circumstance and this claim and not attach special significance to it, but I allowed the spark to flare up and become a flame. I shivered a lot, fighting off the fierce demons. I offer my heartfelt thanks to the Lord for the ineffable numerous mercies of deliverance and salvation on this day, from morning to evening (six o’clock): during matins (from an acute anger at the sexton Mikhail Al. Bystryakov), at home against a beggar who came to me, on the way to the gymnasium from anger at a beggar who asked for alms (he said something rude to a woman, he ran away from a man). I prayed and repented all the way, and on the threshold of the gymnasium team (above) the Lord gave me relief from cramped conditions and troubles. At Vespers the Lord gave sweet singing; before the funeral service in [...] (near the Summer Garden) for the boy John - deliverance from cramped conditions, then on the way deliverance again. But I cannot count the Lord’s mercies, only some I do not fully convey in writing. Glory to the Lord who saves us! After the all-night vigil. I thank the all-good, benevolent, benevolent and beneficent Lord for the wonderful revival of me, killed by sin at the beginning of the all-night vigil, through the prayer of repentance of my secret and diligent falling to His holy life-giving throne (at the Intercession and in the main thing), for the gift of sincere, peaceful, sweet prayer; then for a new revival through the prayer of repentance after reading the Gospel of John about the Resurrection of Christ, at which the disembodied enemies, through confusion and fear, tore out the words from the heart, mind and lips: For they did not yet know from the Scripture that He had to rise from the dead [John 20:9]. Then for a new deliverance after the great release, which I stole, finally after the prayer to Christ, the true Light, in which the devil wounded and embarrassed me, and after it. I prayed earnestly after the all-night vigil, and the Lord granted peace, and my soul felt spacious. We depict the sign of the cross on the forehead, chest and shoulders to always remind ourselves that we must always sacrifice all the strength of our soul to God - mind, heart and all the power of free will - and we must pray with all our heart, with all our mind, with all our strength, not lazily, absent-mindedly or carelessly. Sacrifice your mind, heart, will, all the powers of soul and body to the Crucified, just as He sacrificed all of Himself for us. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me [Gal.2:20]. They say to each other: I wish you good night, a pleasant sleep, but they do not say - a fervent prayer for a good sleep, which would be much more correct, for after diligent prayer there really is always a good and pleasant, life-giving sleep, and our ordinary good wishes should bear a Christian imprint, and not just a worldly or carnal one. Everywhere the spiritual must be ahead of the carnal, sensual. May God grant this for the glory of His name and our salvation. Almost all our daily sins, many of them, come from our addiction to our multi-passionate flesh and to the world, to its imaginary blessings, disappearing like smoke; Because of them, we do not have ardent love for God and our neighbors, but instead of this heavenly fire there is some kind of coldness, lethargy, laziness, negligence, a split heart during, and even before, many perform works of faith, prayer, reading the word of God and other deeds. That is why a true Christian does not care about pleasing the flesh and the world, in order to be diligent to God, to prayer, contemplation of God, reading the word of God, to alms, to any virtue, for everything in the world disappears and only good deeds follow us and will be with us after death and at the Last Judgment. Out of enmity against God and His saints, the devil confuses, frightens, relaxes the serving priest when reading prayers, litanies, doxologies, and dispensations from the liturgical service, in order to stop, shorten and completely stop, if possible, the praise of God and His saints, and together God, to force him to serve him, the all-evil one, through the satisfaction of passions. Knowing such satanic intentions, one must serve God with firmness and with all one’s heart, not allowing even for a moment the distraction and relaxation of the heart or confusion, the demonic fear of vain, illusory things. If you are frightened by your sins, then you must ask God for forgiveness in repentance and place your hope in Him in everything, for there is only God without sin. The Akathist to the Sweetest Jesus is an outpouring of a heart that completely, ardently loves the Lord Jesus, completely devoted to Him and abiding in Him; in each verse, a loving soul calls Him its own, as if its inalienable property: “My Jesus” (in the canon) or simply “Jesus” (in the akathist) - and magnifies Him with all the praiseworthy names borrowed from His beneficial actions on our soul and body or immeasurable mercies poured out on all humanity, begs Him most importantly for salvation and the forgiveness of sins, of which there is no number, of which hates and despises with all the strength of his soul, against whom he declares irreconcilable warfare and with whom he wants to ardently part with forever and instead of them, love completely God and His truth. Therefore, when we read this (like any other) akathist, we must read it with a sincere, fiery heart and, if possible, with tears. The sign of the cross is the sword of Christ, invisibly cutting through the invisible armies of demons; since invisible enemies attack us at all times, this weapon (the sign of the cross) should be used more often. In vain do we dwell with our attention and heart on the corruptible beauty of the human body, especially the human face, and do not pay attention to the incorruptible beauty of the soul, which alone imparts all beauty to the body and without which the body is lifeless and ugly, stinking dust; We sin even more here in that we do not pay attention to the infinite, eternal, imperishable beauty of God the All-Creator, who created all creatures beautifully, especially man as His image. How long will we be so short-sighted and short-sighted? How long will this game of appearances and appearances last? How long will we not look at the inner, at the soul, at the spirit, by which everything is alive and adorned and acts? Sunday. I thank the Lord, who showed His sovereign salvation to me through His unconditional mercy, when I cried out to Him with all my heart secretly at the beginning of the liturgy, in a state of spiritual sorrow and crampedness; I was dead - and came to life, I was in sadness - and was comforted, in deep despondency - and rejoiced, depressed - and received space, was powerless - and received strength; He served mass peacefully, with contented self-control, received life-giving communion and was renewed; I read the pulpit well, loudly, clearly, separately, slowly, but due to the action of the evil one, I doubted, became confused and hesitated, and did not pronounce all the final words. The sermon spoke well about the bearing of the cross. After mass, the enemy greatly upset me, not allowing me to say I was free of everything, but for repentance the Lord delivered me from oppression and shame and gave me peace. At Vespers there is a new and wonderful deliverance from the wiles of the enemy. God bless! Spiritual, grace-filled gifts are given to people by the generously gifted God according to their labors and each person’s zeal for virtues, and not according to years and ranks, so that often both a simple person and a young person in years are in gifts from God higher than a person standing high on the steps of the social ladder, and a youth in years becomes an old man in spirit, because grace has made him wise, like Macarius the Great and other saints. God does not look at faces, but at hearts [1 Samuel 16:7]. Bodiless enemies extremely hamper the movements of my soul, the movements of thoughts, feelings, expressions, prayers, litanies, exclamations, and intensify to give room in me for their dirty thoughts, unclean sensations, fears, fears, passions. We need unceasing repentance, the unceasing help of God, which is shown by the All-Generous, All-Merciful and All-Powerful. Glory to His grace! Monday. After Matins. After yesterday's (in the evening) gluttony and drinking wine (in the amount of four glasses), today morning there was a grave moral weakness of the heart for sincere public prayer and a bloody struggle with invisible enemies who overcame me from the very beginning (thanks to intense prayer I was able to overcome the opposing forces when speaking the litanies at the Midnight Office and at the beginning of Matins), especially during the pronunciation of the great litany (missing words: honorable presbytery, diaconate in Christ). Only after new inner prayer was I overcome by the grace of Christ over the evil, most deceitful enemies of prayer and performed victorious Matins. And at the funeral service, with the grace of Christ, I was able to overcome the charming fears of the enemy. God bless! To those who love God belong the dominion, the kingdom and power over passions and over demons, truth, holiness, courage, dignity, peace, all understanding that surpasses all understanding [Phil.4:7], honor and glory. (On Saturday, September 18.) On the threshold of the gymnasium team, the Lord revealed in me the miracle of His deliverance (denial in the hearts of the beggar) from great oppression and sorrow and bestowed peace, freedom, dignity; Upon arrival home, he again showed a miracle of deliverance in me - salvation from hellish cramped conditions (he was punished for a small donation from the hearts of one poor woman). At matins, he got rid of his anger towards sexton Bystryakov. Evening. God of miracles and useless, boundless mercy! How I will thank You for your most gracious, life-giving, sovereign deliverance from the most acute sorrows and troubles that befell me today during mass (after sleeping before mass) because of displeasure and grief at the sexton for fluently reading the hours and because of the devil’s all-malicious and strong incitement against him. Throughout the mass I fought with enemies and with hostility towards the sexton, whom I considered an accomplice of the devil in perverting the service of God. The victory of Your goodness, which I constantly called upon, was complete. I received Holy Communion in a life-giving way, I read the pulpit without stumbling, sincerely, strongly, with an abundance of hope and boldness, and I said the same thing about the dismissal. After mass at the prayer service, I did not read all of the Gospel according to the action of the evil one and felt the influence of the serpent’s poison, which I had difficulty getting rid of after prayer; then there were two private funeral services, the end (dismissal) of which I stole - and again I felt the poison of the serpent, from which I got rid of it with difficulty through the prayer of repentance, for the devil with great rage bursts, like a thief, into a soul that has been delivered and falls again. At Vespers there were again miracles of God’s mercy and power and, firstly, before Vespers itself, when I left the house upset and upset by childish squeals, and on the way (at the beggars) out of grief I pushed the beggars. During Vespers itself after the dismissal of the first (he did not remember the name of St. Alexander Nevsky due to the entrance of the elder) he was greatly wounded by the enemy; Having prayed at the holy throne and fervently applied himself in repentance, he received peace, life, light, space, strength, but at the dismissal of Compline and litanies he was again embarrassed, did not pronounce them and received plague after plague, from which he was saved only by an intensified prayer of repentance. In Tsepov’s house, at a prayer service at the cowshed, he again found mercy in sin and peace and free and bold service. Glory to God the Savior for everything! Six and a quarter o'clock in the evening. Monday. Tuesday. Morning. With the septenary, the devil kindled his hellish furnace for me today during the morning and terribly scorched and tormented me with the flame of anger at Paraskeva Ivanovna Kovrigina because of the empty chance that she ran up to me on the way to bless and kiss my hand out of her love in Christ for me and out of zeal for me (but it seemed offensive to me why she pursues me everywhere and rushes to kiss me everywhere hand, at least twenty times a day). The devil turned a spark into a flame, a drop of poison into a whole vile vessel. And I suffered, and writhed, and fell to the holy throne a hundred times. Finally barely pardoned. My gluttony has increased, luxury, voluptuousness; By the end of Matins, the sexton, with his awkwardness in his voice and actions, upset me, and I spoke the solemn and pleading litanies with extreme difficulty. The sins of mine and my spiritual sisters weighed heavily on me: yesterday I talked with them, ate and drank. After Matins, a memorial service for Vladimir D. Nikitin. The Lord healed my soul and strengthened me before the funeral service through intense secret prayer. Praise the Lord. Seriously, I'm upset! I fell away from love for my neighbors, I was proud, voluptuous, proud, angry, envious, money-loving, hard-hearted, impatient, irritable, suspicious. I lift up to the Lord my heart, full of gratitude and wonder at His goodness and strength, for during today’s Matins I was granted the greatest deliverance from the snares of the enemy, the wonderful, life-giving streams of the Holy Spirit in my heart, the greatest boldness and joy in pronouncing the litanies and in the reading and singing of the canons and stichera. I performed the entire Matins without stumbling and victoriously through the grace and power of Christ God, who strengthened me. During the midnight office, I fell for a long time before the holy throne with a strong heartfelt cry and tears. (Yesterday I visited Vasily F. Nikitin and treated myself to grape wine, sherry, balyk, sprats, butter, grapes, tea.) The voice was very strong during Matins, wine perfectly strengthens the chest and larynx. I offer thanks to the Lord with all my heart for yesterday’s mass (celebration of the Exaltation of the Cross), which was accomplished victoriously and life-giving by the grace of God (I read the prayer behind the pulpit superbly, with an abundance of hope and spiritual strength, I pronounced the dismissal clearly in full). For Vespers I thank the Lord, who has strengthened my soul to overcome mental enemies and to serve God without stumbling. Evening. Full of miracles of mercy and salvation for me, a sinner, was the day of salvation, for, having been killed by my sins and passions, the Lord many times revived, healed, had mercy, pacified, spread, cleansed, sanctified, abstained, strengthened, enlightened, comforted. He performed the entire Liturgy without stumbling, although during a strong struggle with the opposing evil forces; received communion without condemnation, life-giving; I read the pulpit sincerely, peacefully, with great boldness, and so did the dismissal. Vespers, too, was served with the clear assistance of God against those who were trying to overthrow me and wound my enemies. They hurt me, but the Lord healed me. Then in the evening, before a prayer service in Trumberg’s house with the mechanic officer Ivanov, I was honored with the greatest mercy of God: through my prayer of repentance I got rid of hellish cramped conditions and fire for my hard-heartedness against the poor guys, who daily and often demanded handouts from me (I tore out one of them by the ear); Then the Lord showed me the greatest salvation from the devil’s anger against Paraskeva Ivanovna Kovrigina in Zaitsev’s house after my repeated secret prayer. Morning. Today, during Matins, I was as if in hellish fire, or as if a hundred devil’s stings had been stabbed into me - it was so hard for me, to the point of death. And how I broke down, suffered, fell to the throne, what petitions I sent! Finally, the Lord sent deliverance, and I performed Matins victoriously, without stumbling; After Matins, he served a memorial service for Berzina and a prayer service for the peasants to St. John the Baptist. Glory to the Lord! The time of serving the liturgy was for me a time of cramped conditions and sorrow for gluttony and intemperance, and especially for not giving alms to the poor before mass for lack of small money (and I was too lazy and careless to change). But the Lord delivered me from all the hellishly cruel machinations at the end of the Liturgy and after the consumption of the Holy Gifts. Internal soreness may be due to yesterday's meat-eating. My great shortcoming and weakness is that during public worship or in public worldly meetings on spiritual or secular matters, I lose faith in myself and think too highly about others, about their intelligence and their abilities in general, completely lowering myself in my own and other people’s eyes and thereby upsetting my Lord, who also gave me talents according to my strength - a developed, educated mind, sympathy for good, etc. I succumb to the spirit of despondency and cowardice - I think, as a result of my initial education at school, from the intimidation and cruel treatment of me by some elders, teachers and bosses. I must now not slave and not humiliate myself before anyone, as a clergyman, as a shepherd of people, but to behave humbly before everyone, at the same time to behave worthy of my rank and giving everyone their due. It is not to look at faces, but to look at the human dignity of everyone, to be indifferent at the sight of every face, whether it is rich or noble or poor and humble, learned or unlearned, beautiful or ugly, whether in silk and velvet and gold, dressed in fashion or in simple clothes of a simple cut. Just as God looks not at the face, but at the heart, so let me look at the human dignity of everyone and honor everyone with the honor of the image of God. The whole day was for me a day of the greatest mercies of God from morning to evening, the speedy intercession and salvation of God from invisible enemies and from my passions. During Matins there was a difficult struggle (perhaps as a result of yesterday's gluttony at the christening of Ekimov and Zakhar Iv.), but through the prayer of repentance and falling to the holy throne the terrible machinations of hell were crushed; I was in a strong battle during the speaking of the litanies (I did not speak the two small ones on the canon) and emerged victorious, as if out of fire. After Matins I went with communion; returning, I met the daughter of Father Pavel Trachevsky, who held herself proudly, did not even nod her head - I was upset and felt hostility towards her, for which I condemned myself sincerely, for I was punished internally from God; fell to the holy throne in repentance and was pardoned. He served Mass under temptation, dryness, coldness, powerlessness, deadness, but then the grace of God revived him, and he served victoriously; received Holy Communion in a life-giving manner and served extremely loudly. He served Vespers well, and in the foreword at Compline he asked for special help from God to say it. Before the wedding there was a grave temptation with small beggars, of whom (two) he tore out their hair. He was wounded, died in soul, mourned his sins, falling to the holy throne, and was pardoned, revived. God bless! He served Nikolai Ivanovich Buranov kindly, without stumbling, solemnly, with glory and with grace, he read a prayer and sang praise to You, God. Sunday. On this day I was vouchsafed the supernatural help of God many times during matins and at early mass in the Assumption Church, for often invisible enemies bitten and embarrassed me, a multi-passionate one, and tried to block the lips of my heart and body with their attacks in order to shame me and stop glorifying God, and I often, very often turned to the grace of God for help. In the end, the enemies are defeated, and the work of prayer and the Sacrament are completed for the salvation of people and for the glory of God. I thank the Lord for his help when serving with Mr. Adamovich, during the wedding of two weddings; During the wedding, invisible enemies incessantly rushed at me with ferocity, and I repelled them thirty times through the zealous invocation of the name of the Lord Jesus Christ in the depths of my heart. (Glory to His strong and exalted and all-saving name.) The demons attacked, now arousing false shame of vanity and fear (the ends of the sleeves of the shirt stuck out, and I shoved them under the cassock), now impatience and anger either at the deacon or the groom, now internal adultery or lust. All soul-destroying deceits are crushed by the power of Jesus Christ my Lord through calling on His name. This morning I was not woken up on time, and I overslept the designated time for getting out of bed; I had to get up at least at four and a half o’clock, but I got up at five o’clock, when the announcement for Matins was already announced. How worried and vexed I was! But everything went well through the haste of God’s grace; I read prayers along the way to myself, in my heart. After mass, he gave communion to three female persons: two Evdokia and Stefanida. Oh, impatience and anger at soulless and inanimate objects, when they are not found and made as I would like, and either tear and get entangled, or are not made as desired and fall out of my hands, or sting me - such impatience is extremely harmful and shows my cowardice, effeminacy, carnalism, lust and takes root impatience and anger towards people for any insignificant reason, it eradicates love and leads to a falling away from God. This happens to me too: how many times have I fallen away from God and from love for my neighbor because of empty and often seeming reasons. Today it was necessary to pour wooden oil into the lamp; The glass stopper was hammered tightly, it was impossible to reach with my hands due to the slipperiness, and I took it out with my teeth, but I became embittered at the stopper and at those who plugged it so tightly unnecessarily - and what misfortune, cramped conditions, sorrow, spiritual death I fell into! For a long time I repented and prayed for mercy, finally I bowed to the goodness of God, the Lord delivered me from hellish malice and gave me peace and life, space, healing, joy. Death disappeared and life reigned. How heavy, how deadly is the breath of Belial! O cunning and deceitful beast - my flesh, or this old man, inherited by me from my ancestors, nesting widely in me and killing me every day! The Lord commanded me to love everyone’s neighbor, regardless of the face, and I first of all look at the face and, looking at the face, I either love or despise my neighbor without any reason on his part, meanwhile I am often seduced by a beautiful face, I am hurt, I die spiritually. This is how it happened today after Vespers and before Vespers: [...] a friend, a kind, young woman, came to church, and from one glance, from one thought in my eyes, I was embarrassed and wounded, and only through zealous repentance and falling to the Holy Altar did I get rid of the mental ulcer, from the death of the heart, for which glory be to God the Savior, His truth and holiness! Tuesday. I praise You and thank You, Lord my God, for Your mercies, for the streams of life that You have repeatedly exuded to me, mortified by my passions, and on this day: once before the prayer service and at the prayer service with the officer Vyacheslav Nikolaevich and his wife Varvara Mikhailovna (my heart was extremely paralyzed by drinking coffee in the morning at nine o’clock with cream and eating, albeit small), another time after a lesson in the eighth grade of the gymnasium, where I became irritated and very angry with the student Volkmon for his unbridled pranks in class. I walked the road in repentance, calling continually on the name of the Lord Jesus; thirdly - at vespers in church; fourthly - before reading prayers to the mother in labor at customs (at the inspector); fifthly, in Estafiev’s house with the widow Evgenia Andreevna, everywhere the Lord quickly revived me, me, constantly being killed by my sins. Glory to His compassion, His salvation, His endless life! I thank the Lord, who miraculously revived my heart with the grace of the Holy Spirit as I read the evening prayers as I walked and led me to receive the Holy Mysteries late in the evening. I thank the Lord, who to this day has delivered me many times from my sins and my difficulties, especially in the apartment of Ivan Ivanovich Kovrigin from my irritation and contempt for the kind words of Paraskeva Ivanovna Kovrigina, his sister (St. Petersburg merchant Ekaterina Ivanovna and her husband, the drunken Mikhail). Thursday. I thank the Lord, who surprised me with His mercy and His salvation during Matins in delivering me from the deadly poison of the devil’s anger against the reader Demetrius for his carelessness and haste in performing Matins (large omissions, extreme haste, reading under his breath, incomprehensible to anyone, disrespect, unjust ardor against me, lack of helpfulness in the most proper and obvious things (for example, putting a lectern for books choir), ingratitude and insensitivity (for my help to him)). Evil took me over him, and it was extremely difficult for me. But I sincerely condemned myself, repented, asking the Lord to change my heart to kindness and meekness, and the Lord had mercy on me more than once after my repeated falling to the holy throne: I was healed of malice and was at peace. Then, in the Assumption Church, while serving early mass from Sidorov and Stepanov, through the prayer of repentance I was honored with abundant tears of tenderness and the unfailing service of the Divine Liturgy with the non-judgmental communion of the Holy Mysteries, and what was especially important and worthy of attention for me was that I read almost the entire unfailing prayer behind the pulpit, during the reading of which I was afraid of the usual treachery of the demonic; Only the release was stolen, crumpled up and embarrassed, just as at the funeral service the release was also, after which confusion, crampedness, death of the heart (paralysis) from the action of the enemy, but the fervent prayer of repentance and the Holy Gifts consumed by me completely healed my soul, pacified and revived. Glory to the miracles of the Lord's mercy and renewal. At eleven and a half o'clock a prayer service was served at Mrs. Arzhakovskaya's house in Latzer's house after sleep (from nine to eleven); before the prayer service and during the prayer service, the temptation is poisonous from the side of carnal sensuality, but with the prayer of repentance before the prayer service I asked for freedom and cleansing, deliverance from sin, and served heartily, not without some fear and fear of the demonic, which I overcame by repentance. Glory to God the Deliverer! Gluttony is the main cause of the machinations of demons and my heartfelt impotence in the fight against passions. Yanish Petr Nikolaevich, director of the Kronstadt men's gymnasium from 1862 to 1884. In those same years, Father John taught the Law of God in this gymnasium. John Vasilyevich Levanda (1734–1814) - archpriest of the Kyiv St. Sophia Cathedral, famous preacher. During his lifetime, his numerous sermons, words and speeches were almost never published, but were circulated in copies. After his death, part of his creative legacy was published. This refers to order ribbons. Zeal (Church Glorious) – jealousy; strife, discord. Druchimy (Church Slavic) – oppressed.