Июнь 1883 г.

Wednesday. I thank the Lord for His great mercy and help to me during the service of Matins in overcoming the invisible enemies who fought with me and for success in the service. I thank the Lord for the mercy and gift of tears during the liturgy and for the life-giving communion of the Holy Mysteries, which renewed me. While reading the prayer behind the pulpit, there was an extremely persistent struggle with invisible villains, who frightened me with ghostly fears to the point that I could not read the entire prayer and say separate dismissal; after which they began to torment me even more, but in repentance I earnestly called on the Lord - and I was not ashamed. He sent me grace and mercy. The hellish fire was so strong that it drove us to despair. On the seventh day the adversary lit the cave. During the prayer service at the Sorrowful Icon and while the brethren were counting money, the enemy aroused hostility and evil suspicion towards Abbot Pavel, who, as one thought, looked at me contemptuously with a sly smile. I then prayed for him at the Holy Chalice before consuming the Holy Gifts, and the Lord reassured me. Vespers was served without litanies. Thursday. I thank the Lord for his gracious help during the service of Matins and for overcoming the fighter of the serpent, who did not allow me to speak freely the great and profound litany. I read the canon and prayers with faith and tenderness. Came out victorious. And he said all the dismissal. God bless! Ten o'clock in the evening. I glorify the miracles of God’s mercy in me during the liturgy, for the Lord, through the prayer of my repentance, granted me to perform it without stumbling, with tenderness and lightness in my heart, pardoned by the Lord and delivered from the possession of the evil one, and to receive life-giving communion, with faith and affirmation of His most pure Mysteries, read peacefully, sincerely, freely the prayer behind the pulpit and pronounce it completely, with let go with boldness. Then there was a prayer service, at which the enemy fought me with anger at the deacon’s father, but was defeated by the grace I asked for in secret repentance before the Lord for the sake of His most pure Blood, which I had just drunk, unworthy. At the funeral service, I was also tempted by the deacon’s slowness, but again, through grace, he overcame the temptation. Then, after the prayer service, a prayer service was served by the navigation officer, a member of the guardianship, in the house of the German school; It was very hard for me on it; I barely defeated several enemies. I barely read the Gospel, I started twice about failure. Coming from the prayer service, I was annoyed by the small payment (one ruble) of a rich man who had a rich bride. Vespers was served with grace, victoriously, solemnly, loudly, with full reprimand of all the litanies and dismissals. After Vespers, a prayer service at the Iveron Icon of the Mother of God. I didn’t want to, there was resistance in my heart, some kind of despondency that weakened the soul, which I overcame by secret repentance and prayer before the Lord and the Queen of Heaven, and then I prayed without stumbling, and read the Gospel slowly, calmly, without stumbling. Then the reading of prayers before the confession of the parishioners is sincere, calm, non-persistent; confession. Then he was in guardianship, then he went to give prayer to the mother in labor outside the city at the citadel pier; I met the undertaker Juliania Grigor., began to talk about the ill-will of Father Paul, I was carried away by the word about his ill-will [...] and became embarrassed, hurt. I began to secretly repent with all my soul of falling away from love and falling into enmity towards him, and the Lord forgave while I was walking along the road not far from the house where I was giving prayer. Having said prayer and going home, I again took hostility towards him, again repented and against Sidorov’s dacha was pardoned, to my greatest joy and praise to God. Then at home I sinned by indulgence in carnal voluptuousness, but I fervently repented, and the Lord granted me forgiveness to my greatest surprise about salvation and the goodness of the Lord, which cleanses all our iniquities. I thank the Lord, who has granted to sinners, of whom I am the first, repentance in the stomach. I die every day by sin, but I rise by repentance. What is the reason for our dislike or hostility between ourselves, secret and open? Ill will, envy of each other, failure to help each other or suspicion of ill will and enmity, pride and humiliation of our pride by others (Father Paul). But we must sincerely pray for ill-wishers and envious people, so that the Lord will enlighten their heartfelt eyes and recognize their sins and repent of them, loving virtue. I said that I treat girls unkindly because I avoid sin and the obsession of the evil and unclean. What insolence and absurdity of the devil is it in me to despise and turn away with hostility from a person who has an ugly face, although the person himself is very good, kind, humble, meek, devoted, loving God and you, me, everyone else. And we often follow this insolence, this satanic absurdity. Where is the image of God in man? Where is the dignity of a member of Christ, the church of God, the church of God, as it is said: you are the church of the living God [2 Cor. 6:16]. Friday. How unworthy I am, I will thank the Lord, who showed me [mercy] today during Matins and early mass and after it, when I was tempted by impatience and secret anger towards the servant of God Sophia, who stood first and closest to the Holy Chalice in view of her communion of the Holy Mysteries, and then at the exit from the church, when I rejected one beggar who asked me for money for a ship, and in both of these cases, as well earlier in others, he was mortally wounded by a serpent's sting and suffered, languished, shrank, extremely wanting to get rid of the deadly serpent's sting. I extol, praise and thank the Lord Jesus Christ, who has deigned me to read and sing the canon of Matins for the Ascension of the Lord (giving), and to sing the stichera on the praises, and to pronounce an intense and pleading litany (he spoke the great one hastily and concealing it from timidity and cramped conditions), and to say absolution in full. I thank the Lord, who granted me deliverance from the power of hell and the snares of the serpent, which surrounded me at the end of Matins and at the beginning of Mass, and who revived me, killed by sin. Thank you for the ease, freedom, peace and for the tears of tenderness during the liturgy and for the non-judgmental communion of the Holy Mysteries, for the free reading of the prayer behind the pulpit and the dismissal of the Ascension. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from hellish sorrow and cramped conditions at the time when I was going to the liturgy to the baby Paul (seven years old), who drowned in the St. Petersburg pier. I thank the Lord, the all-merciful Helper, who gave me the grace to perform the requiem mass without stumbling after Vespers with the recitation of three funeral litanies and dismissal. After vespers and requiem, Father Superior presented me with the insignia of the Order of St. Anne, second degree. I thank the Lord, and the king of the earth, and my superiors, and the parishioners, and, of course, with unequal thanksgiving, especially my Lord, for the Creator and Provider is due special glory, honor, worship and thanksgiving. Who will give Him what and will reward Him? He Himself gives everything to everyone - life, and breath, and everything; in Him we live and move and are [Acts 17:25,27]. To serve by chanting the words (in litanies and prayers) is better, more sensitive, sincere and safer from demonic temptations, as I noticed today at the Vespers requiem service, at which I mentioned all the previously deceased forefathers, fathers and brothers of ours, Orthodox Christians here and everywhere. Grant, Lord, that I may serve You in simplicity and spiritual wisdom, that I may be wise like a serpent and safe like a dove [Matthew 10:16]. Saturday. By the grace of God, through prayer, he expelled three demons (they themselves said that there were three) from God’s servant Pelagia (they entered into her through the egg she ate and the coffee she drank without the sign of the cross). I spent quite some time fiddling with them - they are so stubborn! Finally, the grace of the Holy Spirit triumphed through our weakness. I thank the Lord, who has given me the grace to heartily and sweetly read and sing the funeral canon and stichera for the Matins today. Do not rejoice that the spirits obey you, but rejoice that your names are written in heaven [Luke 10:20]. Oh, that my humble name would be written in heaven! God! Write me, Your servant, in the lower abdomen. Amen. After mass. The Lord surprised me with His mercy during the liturgy, when He revived me, deadened by sins, during the special litany and after the great entrance; then, out of ineffable mercy, he gave me warm feelings and tears of tenderness, and the non-judgmental communion of the life-giving Mysteries, and the stumbling-free, with great boldness and sincerity, reading of the prayer behind the pulpit and dismissal. How the Lord made me happy with all this, granting me victory over evil and fierce fighting invisible enemies! And throughout the day, the Lord kept me with His grace from all sin and kept my heart in peace and silence, but what is most amazing is this sign of His greatest favor towards me - the unusually ardent love and reverence for me of all my spiritual sisters, who fell to me and, contrary to my desire, kissed my feet with great love. My Lord, Jesus Christ, reward them for their great love with the fulfillment of all their good desires. Wake up! And confirm me in Your love. Another sign of God’s mercy towards me, a sinner, was the fact that the evil demons in God’s servant Pelagia rebelled when I just began to call on the name of God. Grant me, Lord, the grace not to attach my heart to the red ribbon of the Order of St. Anne, but to You, the only treasure of my heart, to You, the true and only incorruptible beauty, to You, the true, life-giving, eternal glory of mine. My heart is unworthy of all the blessings of this corruptible world, for it was created for You alone, to cleave to You, to love You, to live by You and in You, for You, and You also live in me, according to Your word: you are the church of the living God, as God said: I will dwell in them and will walk in them; and I will be their God, and they will be... My sons and daughters, says the Lord Almighty. Do you not know that you are the church of God, and the Spirit of God lives in you? [ 2Cor.6:16,18; 1 Cor. 3:16]. Trinity day. First of all, I thank the Lord for his help during the service of the early liturgy, for the revival of my deadness, for the tears of tenderness that pacified, cleansed, refreshed and consoled my soul, for the service without stumbling before the prayer behind the pulpit, for the word given to me [for] transmission to the people (for the sermon), and for the victory over the invisible enemies who attacked me before the dismissal and after it (the Gospel). I bitterly and sincerely blame myself for being upset with the [peasant] artel for giving fifty kopecks for a prayer service. Because of this circumstance and because of my addiction to the ribbon of the order, I fell away from God and from love for my neighbor; I could not serve a decent number of prayer services in different places among the peasants, I was confused, I could not pronounce the litanies, exclamations, and Gospels. If because of these trifles, because of this beautiful decay, I fall away from God and my neighbor, then I am on a destructive path, and I must despise all beautiful things as insignificant, as depriving me of Divine grace and life. Forgive me, Lord! I sinned. I thank the Lord, who did not allow me to indulge in voluptuousness through touch and who removed the pure, loving virgin from me at the appropriate time, as I wanted; everywhere the inclination of the flesh to voluptuousness. Grant me, Lord, to completely hate every sin, no matter how sweet it may be for corruptible and corrupt flesh, and to love righteousness. If it were possible, from the side of higher circumstances, and convenient and shameless and without harmful consequences for the twofold human being, to commit sins, for example, even the sin of fornication, then how would the number of vile sinners, corrupted and corrupting themselves incessantly, increase, moving away from God and falling into the hands of the common enemy, as happened and happens with youths and young men (and with the other sex), who do not understand the full importance, the destruction of sin and those who fell into it through temptation and frivolity and continue according to skill! External impossibility, various inconveniences to external sin, the shamefulness of sin from conscience and from people, and especially its harmful consequences for a person, keep many from committing it, and for this, glory to God, who connected many difficulties with sin, in order to through this keep our damaged, sin-loving nature from all-corrupting evil! Glory to Thee, Lord, Our Father, most holy, most good, wise, all-righteous, present everywhere and fulfilling everything. Make Thy holiness in us, establish us to walk unshakably in Thy righteousness. With what an evil, unclean, vague, tormenting conscience we often think about the existential human organ members, and in general the existential members of animals, created by God purely, innocently, wisely, beneficially, whereas, in accordance with their purpose and purpose, we should think about them purely, holyly, dispassionately, blissfully, effortlessly and serenely, reverently before The Creator of creation, who gave the creation of children into our power, this truly great and wonderful, holy work of His goodness and wisdom, and who called us to be co-workers with Himself. And it turns out that for the pure everything is pure; But for those who are defiled and unbelieving, nothing is pure, but their mind and conscience are defiled [Titus 1:15]. God! Cleanse us from the evil conscience. After Matins. Forgive me, Lord, my gluttony and voluptuousness, for the sake of which I am close to carnal voluptuousness; Kill, O Lord, the sin that dwells in me and revive in me every virtue. Tuesday. A wonderful summer of God's goodness. Today, in hot weather and the scorching sun, there were two thunderstorms with large, beneficial rain: the earth and plants were drunk with the life-giving dew of heaven, and everything began to smell fragrant, everything began to live with new life, the earth became God's paradise. Great art thou, O Lord, and wonderful are thy works, and not a single word will be sufficient for the singing of thy wonders 125. We thank You, Lord Almighty, planter and benefactor of all Your creatures! Oh, the wonderful gaze of God, reviving every creature! I thank the Lord for the stumbling-free, victorious, life-giving service of the early Divine Liturgy with tearful tenderness and for not condemning and comforting my soul, and with it my body. I read the prayer behind the pulpit sincerely, strongly, unfailingly, and said my release very loudly in opposition to the ethereal enemies who shamelessly embarrassed me and silenced my heart and lips! Glory to my Lord, who makes me victorious! I sinned against the Lord through gluttony and wine drinking; not once, but several times, he treated himself to others and himself treated a priest from St. Petersburg, Father Nikolai Danilovich Belorossov, and his son, a high school student. The demon of the womb is firmly fighting and overthrowing me: yesterday, after the grace-filled celebration of the Divine Liturgy of the early and non-judgmental communion of the Holy Mysteries, I visited three times and the same number of times I feasted on fruit and sweet tea and drank wine with a pleasant snack - white and sweet and sour bread with cheese, butter, caviar. This morning, after the morning service, I went to the merchant Markov and again feasted on him - he ate and drank sweetly. This upset my stomach. Was in photography, filmed in large and small formats. In the big one it fails up to three times. He served Vespers for Father Klepachevsky, spoke the litanies hastily, concealing his words, insincerely, falsely, outwardly. He sang the verses sincerely and loudly. The powerlessness and fear of the heart when pronouncing the litanies came from the death of the heart as a result of gluttony; after Vespers, two baptisms for Klepachevsky, with some of them an artillery godfather officer; he said prayers and litanies and read the Gospel with escapism from demons and confusion; the second christenings are bold and loud. However, thoughts of gluttony came and confused him, but he overcame them with grace and successfully completed the sacred rite, making amends for the first failure. Oh, how one thought of gluttony tears the heart away from God and kills it, not to mention gluttony itself! And every time I die in spirit after gluttony! Only the liturgy with the communion of the Body and Blood of Christ revives me and the sincere celebration of the Mystery of Baptism. And how often I perform it insincerely and carried away by passionate thoughts, especially the Sacrament of Confirmation often and often hastily and carelessly, how I bless the laity carelessly, I read prayers [of the forties] to mothers in labor at home and in church, also carelessly, embarrassedly, with great omissions. I sin a lot in every way and on every occasion. Have mercy, Lord! Cleanse, Lord! Fix it, Lord! Wake up. Amen. Everything that the Lord promised in the Scriptures to the patriarchs, forefathers, fathers, prophets, or that the Son of God Himself said or through His apostles, has been fulfilled, is being fulfilled and will be fulfilled completely. There was an alpha - there will be an omega, there was a beginning to predictions, promises, transformations - there was or will be an end. The Lord promised the first people, Adam and Eve, His coming to earth and His birth from the Virgin, the details of His public life and His public ministry, His suffering, death and resurrection and ascension into heaven and the sending of the Holy Spirit on the apostles and other believers - and He fulfilled everything as immutable Truth. The Lord predicted the general resurrection of the dead, the general Judgment, the eternal bliss of righteous and repentant sinners, the eternal torment of the unrepentant - and everything will be fulfilled to the last iota. Oh, Orthodox Christians, let us wait with the liveliest confidence for the fulfillment of the prophecies of the ancient prophets and the Lord of the prophets Jesus Christ Himself regarding our future destiny and the entire human race, live in the fear of God and fulfill the commandments of God. Let us put aside carelessness about virtue and pleasing God and hasten to multiply the talents given to each of us for return. How is it that I, a fool, have not yet taken upon myself the good yoke and light burden of my Lord - the yoke of abstinence, purity and chastity, the yoke of non-covetousness, the yoke of meekness and humility, goodness, patience, hope and love, the yoke of truth, courage, impartiality, obedience and other things? And do I constantly carry the unbearable, heavy, deadly yoke of the devil, the yoke of many different passions: intemperance, anger, hostility, covetousness, pride, ambition, vanity, and so on and so forth? The Sovereign bears the name and power of the terrible, omnipotent, beginningless, eternal King of kings, the Lord Jesus Christ. How can one reverence the earthly king and obey him in everything? How much more before the King of Heaven? When talking or reading about the life, deeds, sayings of great people, spiritual or secular, I, accursed, conceited, inwardly dare to compare and compare myself with them, to put myself on an equal footing with them or even above them in spiritual wisdom and life (oh, madness!), I devilishly exalt myself over them: and I think the same or think, speak and feel, contemplate no worse than them. I condemn myself for this insolence and pride of the devil. Lord, have mercy on me, test our hearts and thoughts. Evening, eleven o'clock. I thank the Lord, who through the secret prayer of repentance showed me unspeakable mercy in the apartment or even just before my entrance into it, who delivered me from internal pressure, embarrassment, hellish fire, sorrow and cramped conditions that befell me for my unloving and hostile [attitude] towards some beggars who came up to ask and accept alms for the first time. In bitterness, I threatened to send them with the city guard to the police and did not give them anything, although later, repenting of my hardness, I wanted to give them, but they disappeared from my sight. Another time, through a prayer of repentance, the Lord delivered me from my evil contempt directed at the unattractive, pockmarked, thin and pale, but pious, humble and kind servant of God Ulyana, a widow. Glory to God, who does not allow me to do the evil will of the devil and teaches me to do the will of God. Friday. I thank and glorify my Lord Jesus Christ, who has shown me mercy, judgment, truth and His power. Having punished me with deprivation of peace and boldness, sorrow and crampedness for hard-heartedness towards the poor, He had mercy on me with great mercy when I cried out to Him in unfeigned repentance, granted deliverance from cramped conditions, peace, truth, freedom, joy when I approached the house from Alexander Street. Another time, the Lord solemnly delivered me from embarrassment and cowardice in a photograph of Mr. Schauman. When I, in sorrow and cowardice and cramped by some seductive appearance in the Niva magazine, cried out to the Lord with all my heart for mercy and peace of heart, the Lord reconciled me. Glory to Thee, Lord, all-seeing power, all-good, all-knowing, all-redeeming, all-saving, kind, benevolent, all-powerful, all-wise. I thank the Lord of glory for helping me through my preliminary prayer during the wedding of the barber with a relative of Ivan Mikhailovich Terentyev in front of a multitude of people; invisible enemies strongly resisted, but the power of God in me and my trust in the Lord prevailed. I thank the Lord for the mercy of good obedience, deliverance and cleansing from sins. After leaving Alexandra Egorovna Kulikova [...]. I thank the Lord for the tears of tenderness when I served the liturgy in the altar of the monastery church of St. Sergius of Radonezh, for the sublime thoughts and feelings given to me from the Lord, and for the loving treatment of the confessor of the monastery elder Father Gerasim and Father Arkady and the other brethren. I thank the Lord, for he has vouchsafed me to repeatedly venerate some of the holy relics of St. Sergius and enjoy the greatest fragrance [of his holiness]. Truly, the bones of the righteous bloom and are fragrant with the sanctity of the Holy Spirit; I would not tear myself away from them, clinging to my unclean lips, in order to be rewarded with purity and holiness through his prayers. The monastic service is excellent in everything: in decorum, in singing, and in reading. There was a strong storm for four days, breaking down trees and creating strong waves on the sea, which I navigated twice on the ship with strong rolling and waves flooding or splashing on the deck of the ship (from June 9 to 12). Kulikova’s strange words about general disbelief seem to be: who believes now? - she said. And she herself very much repents that she lived wrongly and forgot God. She has the strongest melancholy, there is chaos in raising children and in the entire household. She's like crazy. Heal her, Lord! Monday. Petrov post. I thank the Lord, who has vouchsafed me to heartily sing and read during Matins, and to perform the unfailingly early Liturgy, and to partake of the Divine Mysteries without condemnation, to read the prayer behind the pulpit and to say absolution in full. I was subjected to a severe temptation regarding the prayer service with the Blessing of Water to the Mother of God of All Who Sorrow, Joy of All Who Sorrow, ordered by Maria Vladimirovna Nikonova for the health of her husband Dimitri, but through the prayer of repentance I got rid of the violence and killing of the demons and performed the prayer service safely. I sincerely repent that at night (on June 14) I greedily ate fresh cold fish soup with black Russian and Swedish bread and little fish, and thereby significantly burdened myself and made my secret fishing extremely tense at night. Don't eat at night. I thank the Lord, who, through the prayer of repentance upon leaving Kulikovo, delivered me from the mire and darkness of sin, from the closeness and sorrow of my soul, and who granted me purification, sanctification, peace, freedom and boldness. Tuesday. I was subjected to a terrible temptation from the spirit of malice today at the end of the early mass I served, which, by the grace of God, I performed with great tears of repentance and warm tenderness, or, rather, with a warm soul. I was subjected to temptation [...] as a result of yesterday's evening of eating too much bread and becoming white, hardening, materializing my heart, showing partiality and falling away from God. At the appearance of the Holy Gifts to the people, for the first time I noticed the servant of God Ulyana Dmitry, and because of the ugliness of her external face, I despised and hated her secretly in my heart, and now there was rebellion, crampedness, sorrow and darkness in my soul with complete powerlessness for love and movement towards human face and dignity. I was completely ashamed internally. And rightly so. For whom did I despise and hate in the person of Ulyany? Christ himself, living in the meek and humble (and that is what she is), a member of Christ, a soul created in the image and likeness of God, and for what? Because of the body, which is earth and ashes. Oh, evil eye, and above all, an evil, unclean heart, devoted to partiality! You are crafty in everything: you gaze at beauty and are seduced, falling away in your heart from the original and initial beauty - God, and you turn away from ugliness, although it is neither good nor evil and is the external and temporary state of the human face. But God is love, all love. I was terribly tormented in my soul since the end of mass: I read the prayer behind the pulpit with great difficulty, not all of it, with gaps, I stole the leave; It was especially hard for me during the Verkhovsky prayer service! But in the end, my hope in the goodness of God defeated the evil of the devil, and I got rid of them. Reflecting on how many painful and soul-destroying temptations come from the evil one through the medium of sight, you come to the consciousness of the need to tear out the eye not with your hand, but with your free will, so that it is better for one of the members to perish (that is, one of the passions of the soul), and not for the whole body to be cast into Gehenna, that is, the entire old man with all his sins [Matthew 5:29–30; 18:8–9; Mark 9:43–47]. Indeed, how cunningly the spiritual eye of a sinner (and I am the first sinner) sees beauty and is seduced by lust, which corrupts and defiles the soul and alienates it from God; sees the ugliness of the ugly, ugly, deformed in body, although the soul of the ugly is the same as that of beautiful people, and the same in the image of God, and is also a member of Christ, and one should love the ugly and ugly or sick person just as much as any other person, or even more, because he has the misfortune of being innocently - not for sin, not for his guilt - despised by very many. God! Teach us to love unfeignedly, teach us to fulfill Your righteous, eternal Gospel, to put away the righteously tempting eye of the heart, for it is one, but there are two bodily eyes, that’s why it is said: if your eye (and not your eyes) causes you to stumble [Matthew 18:9; Mark 9:47]. Four and a half pm. I thank the Lord for his grace while serving a prayer service for the sick tradesman Peter, to whom the niece of the late father Matthew Veselovsky (later Archimandrite Melchizedek) was married. Eleven o'clock in the evening. I thank the Lord, who surprised me today and evening with His unspeakably great mercy, who always saved me four times from the clutches of the hellish serpent for the sake of my secret, zealous repentance and my unashamed, strong trust in His mercy. When the evil one was devouring me alive, I secretly spoke to the Lord: my only hope in Your invincible mercy lives in me and does not allow me to perish in my sins, for I trust that You, for the sake of Your goodness and for the sake of Your name, will save me and the enemy will not boast of my destruction. The Lord saved me once when I was walking and repenting, praying behind the wall, walking along the shaft behind the ditch (west side); secondly, when giving prayer to Tikhon’s postpartum wife, Mich. (in Tsepov’s house) Trofimov; thirdly, on the way to Vasilyev’s house (Knyazheskaya Street) to give prayers to his postpartum wife and in the house itself; fourthly, on the way back. How vividly and tangibly I felt the salvation of God, the power of God, which delivered me from the claws of hell! Glory to the Lord! Thank God that I said goodbye to my family for the night and destroyed the advice and work of the misanthropic enemy. I condemn myself for embarrassment, anger, inflamation and losing my temper due to my wife’s appropriation of the canvas given to me in St. Petersburg. I conclude from this that I am still an unreasonable, earthly, passionate person, not a God-lover, for I am partial to the world, and friendship with the world is enmity against God [James 4:4], since the lover of the world is led by the spirit of the devil, and not by the Spirit of God, for everything that is in the world: the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes and the pride of life, is not from the Father, but from this world [ 1 John 2:16]. So, I am not yet Christ’s, but someone else’s, my own, carnal, the devil’s. For if I am angry because of corruption, fall away from love and thus destroy the entire law of God, which is love, and anger my God, who loved me to the point of extreme self-exhaustion, to the cross and the most painful, most blasphemous death, then I am not of the spirit of Christ, but of the devil. And of this I repented and repent, and the Lord accepted my repentance and had mercy on me, admonishing me, foolish and rude, carnal. I thank the Lord for the sincere, calm, complete reading of prayers to two women in labor and for the prayer service served in Gavrilov’s house. Seeing the faces of others, I see my own face, for we are all, as one, created by God from one person, from one blood and still in the image of God, and therefore we must look at everyone purely, unblemished, non-hostile, non-unkindly, unselfishly, but with pure, God’s love. Also, always on the icons are the faces of holy people, the face of the Mother of God and the God-Man Himself, the Lord Jesus Christ; I see myself in them, for they too are human, and Jesus Christ, our God, has clothed me in all of me through the incarnation and incarnation, honoring humanity with immeasurable honor, driving out the stench of sin from those who believe and are baptized into Him and ennobling them with the holiness of His Spirit, indwelling them through faith and baptism and the communion of His Divine Body and Blood. So, see yourself in others, and others see you in themselves, and love everyone as you love yourself, also see in Christ, in His Most Pure Mother and in the faces of the saints, yourself and humanity, appropriated to God, and appropriate yourself to God and the saints through imitation of their holiness, so that they too see themselves in you, how much you resemble God and them in virtue, and recognize in you their member when you appear at the Judgment worldwide, and they will take you to them as their own. I thank the Lord for the stumbling-free, grace-filled singing and reading at Matins and for the same service of the early Divine Liturgy (from Alexandra Egorovna Kulikova), while wearing a precious gold cross with precious stones on my chest, and for the uncondemned communion of me and four female persons of the Holy Mysteries of Christ. I pour myself out in thanksgiving before the Lord, for the Lord has done wonderful mercies and deeds in me. I thank the Lord for my successfully completed trip with Nikolai Shlyapnikov to the village of Globitsy, sixty miles from Kronstadt, and for delivering me from all sin and for observing the truth. Combine, O Lord, Thy servant Nicholas and Thy servant Natalya, and may they live according to Thy will; combine poverty with wealth, may painful poverty disappear, may contentment and abundance reign in the family of the widow and orphan Shlyapnikov, for You, Lord, will bring poverty and richness, and in Your power the whole earth, all its treasures. Wake up! Do you see things and faces in their proper form or in a distorted, true or beautiful way? Morning. I thank the Lord, who raised me to the morning praise and granted me to sweetly glorify the suffering of the Lord, His Most Pure Mother, who suffered with Him on the cross, the holy martyrs in general and the martyrs of the day. I thank the Lord, who performed in me the greatest miracle of salvation from devilish torment due to hostility, zeal and envy and indignation regarding Father Superior Paul, who is going to celebrate the fiftieth anniversary of the priesthood in order to attract false glory and self-interest of gifts. Recently he celebrated his twenty-fifth anniversary of service in Kronstadt and received the greatest honor and profit, and two years later he wants to celebrate his fiftieth anniversary without doing anything special, only correcting the requirements, not loving preaching at all and putting it out of use, concealing the schedule of sermons, creating discord and division between the military and diocesan churches. The spirit of malice tormented me through my ill will and zeal, contempt, but for secret repentance, upon leaving the stagecoach in Oranienbaum and heading to the city, the Lord instantly delivered me from hellish cramped conditions and granted me space, peace, freedom, and boldness. Glory to the Lord, glory to faith in Him! Saturday. Glory and thanksgiving to the Lord, who has shown me now (nine o’clock in the morning) His greatest, Divine, life-giving mercy in delivering me from my and the devil’s anger towards the poor for their idleness and begging. The temptation of the devil's malice happened on the way to Yakovlev's house to give prayer to his wife who had given birth. Climbing the stairs, I diligently repented in secret to the Lord, especially when I stood (for about three minutes) at the top of the stairs, and then the Lord had mercy on me, so that I could freely and calmly read prayers to the mother in labor and over the baby. But after prayer, again, when meeting with the poor, I became upset, angry, and again at home I prayed strongly to the Lord, and the Lord had mercy on me, delivering me, as it were, from the underworld - from all my sins: self-love, self-righteousness, gluttony, voluptuousness, anger, malice, envy, love of money. Eleven o'clock in the evening (June 18, Saturday). I thank the benevolent, benevolent and benevolent Lord, who has now saved me for my true repentance with a great and wondrous salvation, who has delivered me from sorrow and cramped conditions and the mouth of hell that befell me for grief and anger at one beggar boy, about seventeen years old (sick), for frequently asking me for alms. I tasted the sweetness and spaciousness of righteousness, forgiveness and peace. I thank the Lord, who showed me His all-powerful help during the service of the early Sunday liturgy and during the preparation of the Sunday conversation and its delivery. I sinned against the Lord: I ate quick food (cheesecake, sour cream, cream and meat soup without meat). It feels bad in the mouth after it and throughout the body. Meager food is coarse and painful for the heart! God forbid I eat without need, but today I ate without any need. Evening. You, Lord, surprised me with Your sovereign mercy today after Vespers at seven o’clock in the wooden house of Yegor V. Gorbunov at a prayer service for a widow whose daughter was suffering from seizures. You delivered me, through my faith and hope and sincere repentance, from the heavy, deadly clutches of many evils and deceits of the enemy, giving me freedom, peace, boldness and rightness of spirit. Oh, how clear and obvious Your mercy was to my inner eye, Lord! I have glorified and glorify You and will... multiply all praise to You [Ps. 70:14]. I thank the Lord for his help during the christenings of Trofim Tikhonov and Al. Lukich Rebrov and during the service of two prayer services in Gorbunov’s house (wooden). At Mr. Rebrov’s he performed the christening with dignity, sincerely, unfailingly by the grace of God. When serving the Lord, when there are many people of all kinds, noble and simple, men and women, do not have eyes at all on their faces, but have everyone equally before the Lord and before you, for the Lord looks at hearts, and not at faces, and is not amazed at any face. You are a servant of God Almighty and must stand above any individual in order to please your Lord, and have in mind only the glory of God and the salvation of souls, and not calculations of worldly and temporary benefits. I thank the Lord for the word given to me to teach the Lord’s people in the church (in the second week, on All Saints). Always give me, O Lord, Your word, so that I may not appear before You in vain, and may Your people be saved for good. Wonderfully, quickly, sovereignly, mercifully, life-giving, the Lord broke the deadly, heavy bonds of sinful Satan yesterday (June 19) in the apartment of a bourgeois woman, the widow of a cab driver, after a prayer service with Anna Gordievna. Glory to Thee, Christ God, our hope, glory to Thee! (The bonds of contempt and secret bitterness, the bonds of gluttony, breaking the fast.) After early mass. I marvel at the ferocity of the attack of the mental vicious wolf, I marvel at Your incomprehensible goodness, surpassing all his and our malice, O Lord, and I marvel at the impudent, forcibly captivating power of the adversary, but most of all I am amazed at Your peaceful, all-powerful power, snatching me for sincere repentance, faith and unshakable hope from the jaws of the adversary, with which I was delighted for the secret embitterment towards Father Paul for his seeming laziness and mannerisms during the service of Matins (small strict litany), especially when speaking the litanies, for his speaking them quietly to the extreme under his breath, and then especially after early mass for secret embitterment towards Paraskeva Ivanovna Kovrigina, who was the first to approach the Holy Chalice for communion (she [...] tries to approach before others), for her as would be a love of primacy, which she does not want. Yes, I have seen, Lord, I have seen Your mercy and Your power and the power of faith in Your life-giving Mysteries. Oh, how powerful they are, all-life-giving, all-redeeming, all-liberating, renewing, ennobling! For their sake, for faith and unfeigned repentance, every sin is truly forgiven and cleansed! And yesterday I was gluttonous and ate meager food, greedy and insatiable. I thank the Lord for the early ordered mass and for the communion of the Holy Mysteries. I thank the Lord, who repeatedly delivered me from the anger of the enemy against Paraskeva Kovrigina during my journey to St. Petersburg, in St. Petersburg and to Novaya Derevnya (in the stagecoach). I sincerely condemned myself, and the Lord had mercy on me. I thank the Lord, who saved me from terrible hostility and fornication, when they rebelled against me and began to wound my soul, killing it and depriving it of freedom. Prayer services for Karoly and Sizov’s mother-in-law on June 26, Sunday, at twelve o’clock. I thank the Lord for delivering me from the defilement of my heart through a secret invocation of the name of the Lord and for the sake of secret repentance in the apartment of the aunt of the local merchant Vasily N. Golubev near the church of St. Michael the Archangel in the swamp. I thank the Lord for deliverance from sorrow and cramped conditions and the sting of the enemy on the ship “Tsesarevich” upon my return to Kronstadt from St. Petersburg. I thank the Lord for His inexpressible mercy towards me today during the service of the early liturgy, for the tears of tenderness given to me after the special litany for the departed, which watered me with the grace of the Holy Spirit and revived my soul, mortified by sins. By the grace and help of God, he performed the Liturgy without stumbling and received communion without condemnation. I thank the Lord, who showed His mercy in me through my secret prayer in my bed, on which I lay down to rest after work, but on which a sinful thought came to me, weighing me down, and I, rising, prayed to the Lord for forgiveness and cleansing, and the Lord forgave, and I calmed down and fell asleep in a life-giving sleep. Then the Lord delivered me from the fierce sorrow and cramped conditions and confusion that befell me for my hard-heartedness and grief towards the poor, homeless Vasilyev, I don’t know how many times he came to me asking for help with money. It was annoying, and I was ready to drive him away, but I changed my mind and gave him a silver ruble, taking from him the address that he himself volunteered to leave; after that I went to my kindergarten and suffered for a long time from the machinations of ethereal enemies who tormented the sides of my insides; I spent a whole hour fiddling with them, keeping myself away from them and secretly praying to the Lord for mercy. Finally at home, when I sat down to dinner, they left me through my prayer. Nothing is mine - everything is God’s, I am the steward and distributor of God’s gifts and I must, without sparing, willingly, with zeal and humility, give alms to those in need, and not be upset with them and not become embittered. It is necessary to compare my position and my means of living and their position and shortcomings, the attitude and generosity of kind people towards me and the attitude of people towards them or them towards them: a huge difference will emerge and my great injustice will appear in relation to the poor and my duty to help them. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from embarrassment, fire and cramped conditions after denouncing the new sexton Mikhail Aleksandrovich Dobryakov for careless reading and singing and drunken going to the service, as he began to make excuses and accuse me. I prayed to the Lord for the cleansing of my soul and mercy, and He had mercy on me, revived me and gave me peace, and I confessed the woman. I thank the Lord for a new deliverance from the devil’s malice that befell me in the janitor’s room of the Kudryavtsev house due to the awkwardness of a woman giving birth to a child. When I came home, I fervently prayed to the most merciful Lord in repentance and was saved. Twelve o'clock at night. I thank the Lord, who delivered me through fervent prayer of repentance from the adulterous tendencies of my heart and who gave me tears of tenderness when reading the canon to the holy Angels and all the saints. Reluctantly and with annoyance, I, ungrateful and passionate, today (June 24) gave rubles in alms to the poor (official Vasilyev and the former Balykina and Bugaevskaya), and the most merciful and all-generous Lord returned to me that same evening in abundance what I had given: three rubles were given to me for the waste by my wife Gerasima, and then the confessor gave me a few rubles (four rubles) and more here and there. It is God who lends to those who have mercy on the poor. I should rejoice in the fact that I have to very often carry in my mind and heart and pronounce with my lips the name of God, the name of the Lady Theotokos, the holy Angels and holy saints of God - both by name throughout the year, and special ones mentioned in daily church prayers or at water-blessing moliebens. For the remembered name of God sincerely, from the heart, sanctifies us, revives and consoles us, as well as the name of the Mother of God, the all-powerful Intercessor, and the saints - our intercessors before God: they pray for us when we call on them in prayer, and shine on us with their virtues, and benefit us in many different ways. It is good to have an alliance with God and the celestials. After early mass (yesterday, the damned one, I was gluttonous: I ate oranges, very sweet almond milk with a Vyborg pretzel, dates, sweet tea, pickled salmon, sardine, wine). I thank the Lord for his immeasurable mercy towards me during the service of the early liturgy (with the weakness of my heart and heaviness at the beginning, and then lightness) and for the victory by His grace of the fierce, evil machinations of the demons, especially during the communion of the sisters (Anna Geras did not know how to open her lips); for the stumbling-free reading of the (almost) prayer behind the pulpit, the entire dismissal, for the loud reading of prayers for communion and thanksgiving for communion with dismissal. The Lord delivered me from the greatest violence and oppression and the killing of demons after mass. During mass he gave me tears of tenderness that revived me. Glory, glory, glory to You, Trinity in Persons, our God! Amen. After Vespers. God! I thank You for constantly rejoicing and cheering me with Your salvation for my faith and repentance and delivering me from the torment of the devil. During Little Vespers and Compline and after it, You saved me, who had sinned in heart and tongue, and You gave life to the mortified, You enlightened the oppressed, You calmed the troubled. During a private home all-night vigil with the orphans of the rich Semyonovs and after it, upon my arrival at the house and falling before You (in the hall), before the image You showed Your wondrous salvation in me. God! This begins the week of my service, unworthy of You, the King without beginning and before the ages, of my standing before Your terrible and life-giving throne and intercession for myself and for Your people, so that you may cleanse the sins of all, service of the most heavenly, most pure, all-redeeming, Divine and terrible Your Mysteries, service of truth, service of incorruptibility and immortality, renewal and deification, service the highest, the Divine, of which there is nothing more holy and higher in the world. Grant me, Lord, for this service a pure, courageous and cheerful, firm heart, a good-voiced organ of the tongue, a splendid, calm and firm appearance, grant me to stand before Your throne with fear, love, extreme gratitude, and a burning spirit. Grant us to pray for ourselves and for all people sincerely, to praise and thank You on behalf of everyone with a fiery heart and lips. The Holy Mysteries should be performed, used and taught with fear and [...] love. So grant me, Lord, to serve You in the order of my turn all the days of my life. Amen. The simple eye is not an imam, but the evil eye 126 and with it the body, which is often darkened. It is only by the grace of God, bestowed upon me, that I have not yet become completely darkened. I think deceitfully, I see deceitfully, I hear deceitfully, I taste, I touch, I smell deceitfully, I speak deceitfully. O evil heart! I turn away from you, I curse you, I shun you completely as an instrument of the devil. After the all-night vigil. I thank the Lord, who performed miracles of His mercy and power in me during the all-night vigil, especially before the reading of the Gospel, who, through the prayer of faith and repentance, destroyed the wiles of the enemy (the capture of the heart by the enemy’s deadly pincers) because of my precious cross, to which my heart clung. The Lord delivered me, and I read the Gospel well (except for the end). Then the Lord accomplished salvation in me from sorrow and distress after the dismissal of the all-night vigil, especially after the dismissal of the first hour, during which I did not utter a prayer to Christ, the true Light... How many times have I been delivered as if from the underworld of hell! How do we not notice in all earthly things and on the very bodies of men the obvious lack and [...], namely, corruption and transience, and do not desire with all our hearts the blessings of spiritual, eternal, heavenly, all-joyful, all-blessed? This is some kind of madness! We must always thank God for the fact that He has given us the right to be called children of God, to approach Him with prayers, supplications, petitions and thanksgivings and to rejoice in such mercy of God towards us and with constant readiness, willingness, boldness and reverence to approach Him, and through Him - to the Mother of God, to the holy Angels and holy saints of God. It is a great honor for mortal human nature to converse with a Being who is immortal, beginningless, all-good, all-beautiful, all-blessed, all-powerful, all-knowing, all-righteous and all-satisfied. And yet, how reluctantly many, how many approach Him, how lazily, coldly, carelessly, absent-mindedly, and many do not approach Him at all and live like dumb animals. God! Teach us to pray to You, to approach You always with joy and rightness of thought and heart. The sons of men all followed vanity and became fussy and moved away from God, became wild, became alien, alienated by damned sin: they have only vanity on their minds and hearts, dreams wander in their hearts day and night, they sleep, sleep soundly and do not want to wake up, they have forgotten the mercies and blessings of the One who created them, who redeemed them, who enlightens, who nourishes and clothes them, who preserves them as the apple of the eye, sanctifying them, delivering them from the eternal curse that righteously befell sinners, and giving them His life-giving, all-joyful blessing. People doze and sleep spiritually in their pleasures, in the pursuit of self-interest and honor; they sleep for a long time and in real bodily sleep and thereby relax their hearts, become lazy and motionless in prayer and thanksgiving to God. Yesterday, the adversary immediately killed my heart with his hellish breath, putting into my heart an addiction to the precious cross (on my chest) and removing it, alienating it from the Lord, our only life treasure. Only through sincere repentance and a secret prayer for mercy on me did I again ask the Lord for the grace of peace and spiritual integrity. How disgusting is the spirit of earthly addictions to the Spirit of God, the King of Heaven! It is good for a true Christian not to have any treasures on earth, but to have only his treasure and his heart in heaven - in the ever-living and ever-blessed God. Jesus, my Creator, do not forget me and create for me an eternal memory, as for all those who know You. Save everyone, God. Morning. Nine and a half hours. I thank the Lord for His great mercy, poured out on me through faith and my repentant feeling in delivering me from a fierce demonic attack during a prayer service with Sampson Denisov and then upon arriving home in the hall before His holy image not made by hands. After mass. I thank the Lord for His great help to me, weak and filled with internal troubles and misfortunes from invisible enemies. He performed the late Liturgy quite well, with tenderness and tears. The prayer behind the pulpit at the end was somewhat stolen and in the middle the well-known words (You glorify those... on Thee). He said the sermon well and stole his vacation. He lied about the enemy's actions. At the prayer service at the Malinovskys, the Lord accomplished a great salvation in me; The prayer service was served well. Karolyi is doing well, only when reading the Gospel I stumbled somewhat due to the beheading of my heart by my enemies. At all prayer services, the Lord showed me His help in the temptations that happened. He served with the typographic factor graciously, easily, cheerfully, but at the very end, before the immersion of the holy cross in water, he was extremely embarrassed because of his sexton, he was wounded by the action of the enemy’s malice and abomination from which he suffered on the way and in the Malinovskys’ house he was delivered by invoking the name of Jesus Christ. From frequent gluttony and lust, the heart becomes coarser, love for God and neighbors dries up, and addiction to the flesh and to the world intensifies, the eye of the heart is darkened, the grace of God in the heart becomes scarce, temptations increase and become more acute. But glory and thanksgiving to the Heavenly Physician of souls and bodies, who heals our soul through sorrows and temptations and, as if by cauterization and cutting, heals the soul that is sick with passions, so that it may not be completely deprived of God’s grace and eternal life. Temptations and sorrows sober the soul, intoxicated by passions, and grace revives it, deadened by sins. I thank the Lord, who performed miracles in me to revive me during the service of the liturgy and especially after communion of the Holy Mysteries; after the Cherubim song he served with tears of tenderness at the action of God’s grace, and before the Cherubim song he was dead in heart, his heart was covered with aphids, in cramped conditions, and was strongly inclined to sleep. I felt the need for special preparation of the heart for the liturgy, especially freedom of the heart from all earthly vanity, from earthly and material desires and passions, [the need] for ardent love for God and for humanity, sincere prayer for all living and dead and reverent memory of all saints and a living consciousness and feeling of universal articulation, that is, the articulation of the great and sanctified body of Christ, that is, the Church, living faith in the Church and in Its head, Christ our God. And this is what we lack. We are earthly, plump, passionate in thoughts and hearts. We arouse others to have hearts, while we ourselves crawl on the earth with thoughts and desires. I read the entire prayer behind the pulpit with God’s help, bravely, loudly, sincerely, and all said goodbye. After Vespers (served without the Great, Petitionary and Sublime litanies (Little Litany only)). I attended a prayer service in Kudryavtsevsky outbuilding No. 83. Because of Kovrigina, there was a temptation to be angry towards her: struggle, repentance, prayers, God’s protection and salvation. O evil demon! How he burns with his anger! What hellish cramped conditions! Then everything passed and I calmed down. In the conversation he described the holy apostles well. God bless! In my soul, it is often someone else who is hostile to me who is in charge, and not I myself, and I am not my own and not at home, but a stranger and a stranger, and, without a doubt, it is necessary that I should always be my master, or, better yet, the Good Master of the whole world, who created it and maintains it with His hand, who clearly must also be my Master, should be my master. Our Father, who art in heaven, may Your Kingdom come, may Your Kingdom be within us. For Thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit. Amen. So, Christian, are you at home? Are you at home? – At home and at home, if Christ is in you with the Father and the Holy Spirit. But you are not at home, you are not at home, if passions are active in you, if evil demons are in you. At twelve o'clock in the morning I ate fried perch with soft Swedish bread, and in the morning I had a pain in the lower back that prevented me from sleeping, and I felt unwell in my mouth. There is no need to eat late in the evening - go to bed on an empty stomach. I have saddened and upset the Life-Giving Spirit of God with my carnality and gluttony. Man will not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceeds from the mouth of God [Matthew 4:4]. Through frequent satisfaction of lusts and passions, they become stronger and stronger, and love for God and neighbor dries up and dries up until it dries up completely. I mean passions: gluttony and carnality in general, fornication, love of money, drunkenness, laziness, envy, hatred, pride, waywardness and stubbornness, ambition, vanity, partiality, lies, deception and others. What are we doing? Precisely this: we constantly satisfy lusts and passions and torment the immortal soul with hunger. Only grace through repentance and tears of tenderness restores us, returns us to life in the spirit. After mass late. I thank the Lord, who, through His ineffable goodness and mercy, showed me help in serving the liturgy with the greatest efforts in the fight against invisible enemies. By the grace of God I have overcome all the wiles of the enemies and the infirmities of the flesh; I read the prayer behind the pulpit with boldness and loudly. Vacation too. Yesterday's satiety received a worthy punishment. At Gerasimovna’s housewarming, a prayer service was held without fail, only the enemy tried to sow anger against Paraskeva Kovrigina. Before and during Little Vespers, the spirits of malice extremely incited evil against the father rector under the pretext of his hatred and contempt for the poor, but through spiritual wisdom, invoking the name of the Lord with one’s heart and praying for the father rector, may he enlighten his and my heart’s eyes and may he strengthen us in love, defeated the malice of the enemy and calmed down. During the all-night vigil, he received an ulcer from invisible enemies in his heart through his eyesight (he was wounded by the beauty of a girl), but through fervent repentant prayer to the Lord and sincere self-condemnation he got rid of sorrow and oppression and was at peace (at the anointing of oil he was wounded at the fifth hymn of the canon, at the doxology he was delivered). Glory to the Lord, who accepts repentance and gives repentance. Late cathedral mass. It is unusually painful during mass, the struggle with evil thoughts, the victory of God’s mercy over my involuntary evil while singing It is worthy to eat as truly... and after an intense secret prayer of repentance. Serving with Father Paul is overwhelmingly impressive. You force yourself to love him deeply, but you can’t: he doesn’t endear you at all, like a stone is always cold. The birthday boy did not even mention, as always (except for one year out of twenty-five), to invite the brethren to eat bread and salt for the church holiday. The Lord is with him and with us. I thank the Lord for the abyss of His mercy upon us. After the all-night vigil. I thank the Lord, who strengthened me, weak in spirit, oppressed in heart, cowardly, fearful, embarrassed, to perform the all-night service in the Church of the Twelve Apostles in the choir and many times delivered me from the deadly breath of the serpent and finally in the lower Church of the Intercession, into which I descended from the upper one to pray, among other things, with my mother, who had arrived from St. Petersburg, for her sick baby. Many times I was tormented by my adversary during the all-night vigil, and I was forced to often turn to the Lord with a prayer of repentance. We often lie at public prayers, we pray insincerely, we only speak words, without sincere feeling and tenderness or thanksgiving and praise. What a huge lie we have lied to God in the continuation of our service, our life! Damned, I took the path of covetousness: I receive crosses, free silk cassocks, cassocks, also non-silk ones, fur coats, shirts, towels, linen, boots, scarves, belts, braces, money and [edibles], I console myself with this. Although out of great love for God and for me, the unworthy, my spiritual children, especially my spiritual sisters, give me all these things, but they fall into flaw, and I am enriched. Is this fair? We must stop them doing this with all our might. The abbot does not consider it a sin to formally deprive the sextons of their due salary and income (from the mug, from the cross, from the forties) and seems right in his eyes, because he himself deeply loves money and would be glad to receive ten times more than what he receives, although he has a hundred thousand in capital. But if I or someone else takes a ruble or a few rubles from a mug or from a cross in favor of a sexton, you won’t get his anger back. Therefore, you will secretly put some of your income into the sexton’s hand, so that you will be content and not in need, for the sextons even come to the point of extreme need. There are moments when a person is full of evil and anger, when evil, like water, brazenly finds and drowns the soul and spills more and more, if you do not stop it in time with sincere repentance and the most fervent prayer. What should be done against this flood? It is necessary to contrast a stronghold in the soul - faith in God and firm, unfeigned love, which is long-suffering, merciful, does not get irritated, does not think evil, and never ceases [1 Cor. 13:4-8]. Otherwise, we have a lot of pride, self-indulgence, love for peace and pleasure, but very, very little love for our neighbors. Egoism eats away, and an egoist is not a Christian: a Christian does not seek his own benefit, but his neighbor’s. So I was moved to anger against Paraskeva Kovrigina because she invited me to come to the St. Petersburg spiritual children, but I should have accepted the invitation with love, with meekness and readiness, for love is ready for all sacrifices, which I do not do, a damned self-lover and sensualist. The mercy of God is inexpressibly great, transforming our evil hearts through repentance into good ones, angry ones into meek ones, self-loving ones into God-loving ones, prodigal ones into chaste ones, covetous ones into non-covetous ones, lazy ones into greedy ones, proud ones into humble ones, voluptuous ones into abstinent ones, and the dead into the living. This is a real miracle of transformation, rebirth, rebirth and renewal. For this be glory to the Lord Jesus Christ with the Father and the Life-giving Holy Spirit. Cathedral of the Holy Apostles. It was hard for me today during mass from yesterday’s satiety and drinking wine, an upset stomach, and especially from the money collected. I read the holy prayers and the Gospel poorly, with extreme reluctance and forcing myself, due to the duality of my heart’s thoughts; He also served mass sluggishly, tied up internally, tormented, dejected by his enemies, mortified. Only the communion of the Holy Mysteries revived me; I timidly read the prayer behind the pulpit at the holy throne, and said my dismissal also timidly, sadly. After mass we were treated to the Markovs. Vespers was served without litanies; After Vespers, I venerated the Holy Altar with a secret prayer for deliverance from sins and for help during the service of the prayer service at Burachok’s and during baptism at the commissar ([...] Yakovlev), and the Lord performed a miracle of salvation in me, forgiving me of my sins, giving me peace, space and boldness. Burachok served a prayer service with feeling, calmly, sincerely, with dignity and pleasure of spirit. He baptized well too. Your height, O Life-Giving Cross, beats the airy prince, and the depth of the entire abyss slays the serpent, and imagines the breadth again, overthrowing the worldly prince with Your strength 127. For this, glory to the Lord, as well as for everything that He has created for us and in us. Prayer following the great consecration of water. Evil (Church Slavic) – bad, low, vile. Troparion on the 4th song of the canon to the Holy and Life-Giving Cross.