Май 1883 г.

Denisov Samps. served a prayer service during the extreme struggle of enemy forces, mostly victoriously by the grace of God. Voronina's widow served a litiya over the deceased baby Antonina during the extreme struggle of evil forces: the deacon's hasty singing irritated the enemy, the young, beautiful faces of the girls seduced me because of my sinfulness, and I should glorify the Lord - the indescribable, holy Beauty - who adorned all His creations, heaven and earth and everything that is in heaven and on earth, and in the seas, and in all the abysses, especially of man, His image, and rejoice and glow with fiery love for the Lord and for His shrine, and honor and love His shrine, the holiness of His image in people, and hate sin, not be seduced by it. Be so, Lord! (From embarrassment and cramped conditions and fear of demons, I could not pronounce the litany and dismissal.) Anna Gerasimova’s gluttony yesterday. The shortcomings of our neighbors - Deacon Nicholas and Reader Michael - must be covered with love and seeing without seeing, so as not to give the enemy a reason to embarrass me; Through embarrassment, I sin more than anyone else and disfigure my service, depriving myself and those around me of peace. After mass late. I thank the Lord, who showed me His salvation many times during the liturgy, at the beginning of it; when melancholy and crampedness, the crush of the devil made me despondent, I immediately went to the aisle of the Intercession, venerated the holy throne with repentance and faith - and got rid of the crampedness, and I felt at ease and peacefully. Before the great entrance and after it, the Lord gave me abundant tears of repentance. He performed the Sacrament relatively calmly, received communion well, but he could not read the entire prayer behind the pulpit calmly, the enemy was terribly confusing; he read his sermon loudly, smartly, intelligently and with feeling; I didn’t let go and was terribly wounded by the adversary who caught me. Yes, unfortunately, there was also a prayer service with the blessing of water in my confusion and cramped conditions, and then the christening of three babies. It was really hard for me because of my ethereal enemies! How they irritated, embarrassed, and oppressed! I barely got rid of them at home. During Vespers, I was tempted because of the sexton, who did not sing the festive stichera on the Lord, I cried out during Vespers; Because of this, I became confused, irritated and could not serve peacefully and smoothly, especially say the litanies of petition and exhortation. The fiery agony stopped only after he diligently fell to the holy throne in the Pokrovsky chapel with faith and hope in repentance. In the Duma, the watchman (who lived with Nikolai) served a prayer service very successfully, while at Volkov’s it was served with obstacles. In the morning. I thank the Lord for the miracles of His mercy in me, a sinner, during Matins and at the end of it (in church and at home). Just before matins in church, I was embarrassed by a remark to my sexton Mikhail Al. Bystryakov regarding his reprimanding of income for demands from some parishioners (Volkov); the embarrassment and cramped conditions were severe; I fell to the holy throne, especially in the chapel of the Intercession, many times - and was pardoned and healed. I read the morning prayers during the Exapsalms 118 calmly and life-giving. He spoke the litany quite well, calmly, read and sang the canons and stichera with the greatest animation and solemn joy. At the very end, while saying the special litany, especially the prayer to Christ, the True Light, the evil one stung, like a fierce serpent, in the heart, not allowing me, due to my oversight, to pronounce separately the prayer to Christ, the True Light and dismissal with omissions of words: the intercession of the honest Heavenly Powers of the disembodied and the glorious saints of the Apostle Andrew the First-Called and the Supreme Apostle Peter and Paul, also the Holy Blessed Grand Duke Alexander Nevsky. But again, diligently in repentance, he fell to the holy throne in St. Andrew’s main church and was healed and calmed down. Walking home from church, I met Anna Geras at the gate of the house, who forcibly, boldly, although out of spiritual love, took my hand for a kiss, and was offended by her, calling her a fool; Having come home, sincerely, with tears in merciless self-reproach, he prayed to the Lord - and again he was pardoned, healed, revived, and pacified. Glory to Thee, Christ God, our hope, glory to Thee! Glory to Thee, my mercy! After mass. I thank the Lord, who performed wonderful works of salvation in me at the beginning and in the middle of the liturgy, firstly delivering me from deadly cramped conditions and sorrow, and secondly, giving me tears of life-giving tenderness, and during the liturgy, delivering me from the deadly wound of the devil, which happened over the thought of receiving money from Mikhail Fedorovich Alekseev for distribution, which I don’t remember when and on whom I used it. Man is a strange mixture of good and evil, hope and despair, faith and unbelief, intelligence and madness, hardness and weakness, truth and untruth, high and low, funny and sad, timid and daring, heroism and cowardice, zeal and negligence, hard work and laziness, mercy and cruelty, goodwill and envy, humility and pride, respect and contempt, simplicity and guile, tenderness and rudeness, affectionateness and severity, disinterestedness and greed, nobility and baseness, abstinence and satiety, ardor and icy coldness, patience and irritation, impersonality and hypocrisy, truthfulness and servility, importance and humiliation, glorious and despicable, purity and abomination. Like a kaleidoscope, it can sometimes change every day in a thousand ways and, what is most amazing, it can turn from angel-like to Satan-like and from Satan again to an angel, like Saint Cyprian of Carthage, like many harlots, filled with satanic abomination, who became angel-like, for example, Mary of Egypt, Eudoxia and others, depending on where the free will of a person bends - towards good or to the contrary. evil After Vespers. Out of fear of the enemy (Kamenogradsky), I said the litany in secret, hastily, embarrassedly, insincerely, not from the heart, both the dismissal and the litany of Compline, and therefore I weakened my heart so much that I could not read prayers on the fortieth day of the mother in labor: the adversary controlled my heart. Only through repentance did I again gain God’s mercy, and even then not completely: I felt dissatisfied and restless all evening. At lunch he ate meat greedily and contentedly. But I wouldn't eat meat. I am partial to everything in the world: to secular writings (periodical and daily): I read them with greed, although everything in them is earthly and often vain and harmful, I look for in them what is entertaining, new and earthly, but nothing heavenly; to earthly distinctions, wealth, luxury, splendor and the like; I rarely read the word of God, and then when the evil enemy stumbles, I pray little, I do little thinking about God, I talk little about God, about the soul, [...], about Judgment, about the future life or about eternity; I am interested in the imprints of my image and likeness (face) on the paintings of photographs; In general, there is a lot of vanity in me and little, little of the Kingdom of God. Tuesday. Myrrh-Bearers and Graceful [Joseph]. I thank the Lord for the victory in His name over my sins and the wiles of the enemy, for I firmly pronounced the great litany, the small litany and Christ, the true Light. The enemy insisted on his own in order to confuse and confuse me, and I insisted on my own in order to be peaceful and not stammer. I thank the Lord for receiving a coupon of two rubles and fifty kopecks, donated for sewing a cassock [...]. There was a lot of searching and anxiety. Evening. Three and a half hours. I thank the Lord for performing the liturgy through His grace - first in the weakness of the flesh and spirit, and then in strength; the prayer behind the pulpit under the extreme machinations of ethereal enemies, but with the assistance of God I read almost all of it, standing at the throne, fearing the surrounding mirages of the worst adversaries, seeking to devour me to the end; stole my leave. There was a prayer service for Brownova, a memorial service, and a short prayer service for Yakov Philip, for his sick wife Vassa. Then a prayer service on Knyazheskaya Street in the apartment of the owner of the iron shop (Mavra’s name day). God! How great is Your love for us! Through the liturgy and communion of the Holy Mysteries, You lift us up to heaven and above heaven, for we partake of You, the God of heaven and earth! Why are we still partial to earthly goods and, because of them, do not strive to please God and the soul, even in the image, are we lazy to save? Why don’t we live with our hearts in heaven with God? What is more beautiful than God, what is more blessed, sweeter than Him? What is more precious? What's more glorious? During Vespers, invisible villains incited me to be angry, first against the sexton Kamenogradsky, why did he come, then against the sexton Bystryakov, why didn’t he read the opening psalm when it was his turn, but by the grace of God I overcame this onslaught; but I was defeated at the end of Vespers by the fact that I remembered one servant of God who invited me to visit, and I was captivated by the sting of gluttony, I could not defeat it, despise gluttony and could not say the dismissal of Compline and litanies due to confusion, crampedness, powerlessness and compression of the heart and the fear of demons. Alas for me! I got stuck in the enemy's snares because of worldly addictions to food and drink, to money, to distinctions, to beautiful clothes, to beautiful faces or respectable ones, to those in authority, rank, to the rich, or aversion to the disgraceful, to the sick, to the poor others who often ask for alms and alms, to things that smell or hurt the sense of smell. I must be heavenly, but hitherto I am earthly; must be spiritual, but I am fleshly; must love incorruptibility and despise perishable things. Meanwhile, I love perishable things and do not care about the imperishable and eternal. Where is my sense and reason? Why do I chase after ghosts, after smoke, after disappearing steam, after dreams, after soap bubbles, after disappearing lights - after dying brush, after clothes - the food of moths and aphids, after corruptible gold and precious stones, but corruptible and fading, after false, momentary differences? How they humiliate and kill my soul, how they darken my worldly passions! They deprive her of peace, freedom, eradicate love for God and neighbor! They are overthrowing the building of spiritual salvation! The Holy Spirit, the Fatherly Spirit, unceasingly, hourly benefits me, all love, holiness, truth, mercy, wisdom, has mercy, breathes in repentance, tenderness, gives tears, revives, creates sons, sanctifies, enlightens, makes wise, shows the charm and destruction of sin, the life-giving and eternity of truth, takes away evil, wickedness, envy, voluptuousness, love of money, despondency, coldness, laziness, ill-will and other passions and inhales feelings and virtues opposite to them, makes earthly ones heavenly, and spiritual ones out of the flesh, renews, comforts, beautifies the soul and body, strengthens in good intentions, dispositions, feelings, in all temptations, sorrows, illnesses, troubles and misfortunes heals, being in us the wine of all good, together and inseparably with the Father and the Son, our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, who interceded and sent us from the Father the Holy Spirit, this is the Treasure of all good things and the Giver of life. Therefore, every minute reverence this Source of life and the holiness of all rational beings, love Him fervently, glorify Him, marvel at Him worthily, live and breathe in Him every second without ceasing. And in nature He is light, beauty, fragrance, strength of forces, wisdom, warmth, the life of everything, creative power, growing, decorating, producing, bringing everything to maturity and completing 119, the wine of all sweet and all other tastes, varied to infinity, in various fruits and the inventor of all tastes and their many different pleasures and benefits for people and other living beings; a loving, blissful and pleasing power for all creatures. Glory to Thee, extending everywhere, in all good works, the Power of the Highest, Hypostatic, omnipotent, beginningless, all-good! In the morning. The Lord Jesus Christ did great and rich mercy to me during Matins, granting me to sincerely, victoriously, without stumbling, to perform the entire Matins (I pronounced everything without stumbling in the litany, although invisible enemies intensified to chill and confuse my thoughts and heart). But at the prayer service I was upset with the sexton because while singing and speaking the litanies he spoke into my ear; I was embarrassed and wounded by embitterment and could not calmly read and finish reading the Gospels and say the litany and dismissal. After the prayer service, stung by the deadly sting of the spiritual serpent, I ran with repentance to the Lord, repeatedly touching the holy throne with my heart and lips, and the Lord delivered my soul from hell and the torment of the enemy. He pressed his teeth tightly into me, but the Lord crushed the jaws of the serpent and delivered me. After mass. Before mass and during mass and after mass, the Lord surprised me with His wonderful mercies, freeing me from the mortal distress that befell me for the severe refusal to give alms to the poor (before mass I was in a hurry to start the service and be on time for class at the gymnasium, but I had no small money and did not want to change it). Many times in repentance I kissed the holy throne, asking for mercy from the Lord, and when I received mercy I calmed down; another time he was embarrassed and was offended by the devil at the prosphora bowl because of the stale and puffy prosphora; It was a difficult mental state, but for my humble repentance the Lord delivered me from this, and I celebrated the Liturgy of the faithful peacefully, tenderly, with tears; Finally, a grave temptation befell me because of the censer: it seemed that the altar watchman was putting a lot of incense and smoking a lot, although I told him many times to put less; because of this circumstance, I was so excited, the devil captivated me so much that I could not read the prayer behind the pulpit and say the dismissal of the liturgy, or read the Gospel at the prayer service. Why did the enemy act so successfully on me? - because of my gluttony the day before and always (in two places I was a guest in the evening and ate and drank: a lot of fruit and four or five glasses of grape wine). One must be dead to the flesh and sin and alive to God. Lenten food has a remarkably beneficial effect on me: I just ate fish soup and a little fish (fried ruff and fried perch caviar), and my spirit was calmer and stronger during Vespers: I served with a light, warm heart. But with meat food, service comes with great struggle. Look how they burn with love for Christ, with what thirst for spiritual salvation they burn, they, my spiritual children and sisters in Christ! What love they have for the church, for prayer, the praise of God and all those living in the eternal, heavenly family! They do not often partake of the Holy Mysteries of the Body and Blood of Christ in vain or in vain; they are worthy to partake of them often. They are worthy of respect and love. Today at Matins, at first I was weak and timid in heart when speaking the litanies of the small, the greater and the greater, but then I was inspired with courage and read and sang the sedalny, irmos and verses, stichera on the praises and verses and the litany of the small, petitionary and great, very peacefully, solemnly, loudly, enthusiastically. But in the end, the enemy, precisely the disembodied enemy, outraged, killed me, depriving me of the fruits of heartfelt service and praise, and because of a trifle, because of an insignificant oversight of the sexton, moreover, unintentional, namely: when I said: Blessed is Christ, God... he, without waiting for the end of the exclamation, said: Amen. This offended me, pricked me, and confusion and sorrow began to grow in me, the devil’s poison began to spread more and more; I fell to the holy throne in repentance, but little, not very diligently, not with full faith and hope, and I took my embarrassment and the poison of the devil to Verkhovsky’s home for a prayer service; he prayed there and could not be healed from anger and embarrassment, he transformed, distorted the prayer, did not pronounce many exclamations, utterances of the Gospel, prayers, also litanies and dismissal; The same temptation happened to me in Kalashnikov’s tea shop, because I was thinking about money, five rubles from Verkhovsky: to give the sexton one ruble and the janitor one ruble. There was no need to think about money during prayer or about anything earthly, for prayer is a conversation with God, intercession before God for people, the greatest dignity bestowed from the Lord on our nature, and we humiliate this dignity with our vanity and worldly carelessness, and with our malice, envy, and ill will. The accursed adversary, the spirit of malice, under a plausible pretext instills in my heart embitterment towards my neighbor, so that his devilish malice would not be noticed, but so that the brother would be blamed for it, who did not even think about any disorder and did not want it, much less wanted to cause me any insult. O most insidious serpent! May Christ God, who is everywhere and fulfills everything, torment you, and may He protect me from your malice. Evening. Five o'clock. God! I thank You for the miracles of Your mercy and power in me, revealed during my service of the liturgy, which, in the struggle against rebellious passions and depressing infirmities, I performed without stumbling, loudly, heartily, courageously, victoriously, and a prayer service for Maria Filippova of Menshova, and a memorial service, except for dismissal. And the adversary, if not a whole legion, fought, and broke, and bent, and fired, and pressed, and frightened me. Glory to the Lord! And for that, glory to Him, that I performed the entire memorial service with the sexton smoothly, separately, with feeling, with a courageous spirit, without stumbling. And then the devil raised a temptation on the part of one person, innocent of anything. But in the name of the Lord I defeated him. In the Church of Christ there is neither Greek, nor Jew... barbarian, Scythian, slave, free, but Christ is all and in all [ Col. 3:11 ]. In response, write letters to Mrs. Ratch and Anna Dmitrievna Machigina and others who should. For this purpose, the Gospel is read to us in church, so that we sincerely and firmly believe in Christ, so that we learn His law, His most holy qualities and virtues, so that we imitate Him and put on Him, in His holiness, truth, meekness, gentleness, patience, constant abstinence, patience, obedience, so that we may be with Him in heaven. For this purpose, we remember the life, properties, miracles of God, the virtues of the Mother of God and all the saints, in order to imitate them, become comfortable with them and be forever with them, as members of the one body of the Church of Christ. In prayer, everyone must, firstly, understand the words and spirit of it, secondly, desire with all their hearts what we ask, thirdly, strive to fulfill the will of God. So, in the Lord’s Prayer we must understand each petition well, we must desire with all our hearts perfection, holiness, sinlessness (hallowed be thy name) in all life, in all thoughts, desires, actions, intentions, or desire the Kingdom of God in us, for the Kingdom of God, it is said, is within you [Luke 17:21], the fulfillment of the will of God, which is our holiness. Further, not to desire even a little for our body, but to be content with what is necessary (give us this day our daily bread), and for the soul to seek spiritual bread and feed it diligently with prayer, contemplation of God, reading and listening to the word of God, especially frequent communion of the Holy Mysteries. Next, we must spend our lives in constant, daily repentance, diligently asking God for forgiveness of all our sins and from the heart forgiving everyone who sins against us in any way, that is, try to have a quiet, meek, gentle mood of spirit. Further, avoid temptations to sin or endure temptations that come from the flesh, the world and the devil, and in every possible way avoid the evil one and his wickedness, observing holy simplicity in everything. We must definitely try to implement all this. Then our prayer, this and every other, will certainly bear the fruit of holiness and all virtue and lead to eternal life. Yesterday, during the all-night vigil, the adversary, with his crafty, deadening, violent breath, did not allow me to utter the life-giving, all-true words of the Gospel: learn from Me, for I am meek and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls [Matthew 11:29], and it was hard for me because of this; Only by repentance did I ask the Lord for peace to my soul. And at the memorial service for Akilina, the servant of God, in Vysokaya Street behind the theater (Zaitsev’s house), the enemy overwhelmed me with the thought of the upcoming treat for me at the tanner Zacharias; upon my arrival to the tanner, the enemy overwhelmed me with his evil and crafty breath - hostility towards the servant of God Ulyana for her unseemly external appearance, of which I repented zealously, imagining her inner, spiritual beauty, her living faith, hope, love for God, for worship, for listening to the word of God, for repentance, for the Holy life-giving Mysteries, for me ardent zeal and love, her many services for me and generally an unchanging affectionate disposition. This calmed me down and reconciled me with her appearance. Why do I work, crazy, death and decay? May I work for incorruption and immortality, despising sin and corruption and everything earthly. Friday. I thank the Lord for the many miracles of mercy performed in me during the continuation of the cathedral mass (the three of us served) in honor of the Tsarevich (his birth). Hellish malice, or Satan with his minions, attacked me mercilessly, fiercely, arousing in me hostility towards the Father Superior, irritating me with his actions, completely innocent (that he seemed to neglect me, not responding to my due bows, that he supposedly hated me or was proud of his superiority in front of me). Such devilish suspiciousness! But, knowing that this nonsense comes from ethereal enemies, I secretly prayed to the Lord with hope and repentance, calling on His help and mercy, and was not ashamed: the Lord delivered me many times. He received Holy Communion in a life-giving way. The Lord did great mercy to me after two funeral services, at twelve and a half o'clock and at seven o'clock in the evening (in Vysokaya Street): in the first case, upon arriving home, when I, on my knees, begged the Lord to have mercy on me for stumbling at the funeral service and fear of demons, and in the second case, in Catherine Boulevard, where I walked slowly on foot and in repentance called on the mercy of God for the same thing, that is, yes forgive me cowardice and stumbling, and may he deliver me from the bitter situation and presence of demons. And the Lord delivered, giving peace and freedom of spirit. Even after Vespers in the church in a row and during the prayer service for the Blessing of Water, the Lord sovereignly and mercifully helped me, also during the reading of the following to confession and during the confession itself, the Lord helped me by dispersing the enemy regiments that surrounded me and were treacherous over me. Glory to the Lord, conqueror of hell and our Savior. (Forgive me, Lord, for breaking my fast by eating, out of weakness, salted fish in milk with eggs and cottage cheese in the evening.) After the prayer to the mother in labor at Kulikova’s (I did not read Christ is Risen and the Trisagion, and the hymns at the end of the prayers). It’s a strange thing: Satan prevents us from proclaiming the glory and power of the Almighty and Almighty! Burst, damned adversary, in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit. Amen. And I am obsessed with holy zeal for the Holy Trinity, although I am a sinner. After Matins and early mass. I thank the Lord for His strength, revealed in me during the service of Matins and Liturgy in the fight against the opposing forces that fiercely rushed at me (because of the sexton during Matins due to his inclinations, which were not uncommon for placing books on the floor and taking them from the floor, and because of the widow Anna Geras at her communion), especially at the very end of mass, when the adversary instantly breathed into my heart contempt and anger at the innocent woman listed now. Oh, what fierce spiritual death I felt in my soul after this satanic breath! And how long I suffered like hell! How much deep repentance, self-condemnation, justification of my neighbor was needed, against whom I became embittered, whom I despised out of wild whim, pride, voluptuousness, partiality and pride in secrets! How much faith and hope there is in redemptive suffering, in the blood shed on the cross and in the death of the God-Man, in His merits, in endless mercy, invincible by all the sins of the world! Finally, I have been pardoned and admonished enough not to despise the soul of man, the whole man, because of the flesh. The enemy is accustomed to captivate us with enmity against our neighbor because of flesh and blood, because of corruption and vanity, or with sweet passion because of the beauty and sweetness of the flesh, or because of earthly acquisitions, or because of temporary honor and glory, in general, because of vanity, to tear us away from love, which is the essence and soul of all Christianity! Priest of God! Consider your first duty to be sincere, firm, unfeigned love for all people, especially for the Christian world that exists throughout the entire universe, and especially for the Orthodox Church of God, heavenly and earthly, for which we offer the Bloodless Sacrifice during the Liturgy. Your heart must embrace the love of Christ throughout the entire universe, especially all the fulfillment, that is, the fullness, of the Church of God (preserve the fulfillment of Your Church 120). And for this, what an exalted soul is needed! What a pure heart, burning with the flame of the Holy Spirit! The priest must be an angel in the flesh, a cherub and seraphim out of fiery love for the Lord, Who, out of His boundless love for people, gave them His Flesh and Blood as the food and drink of eternal life! Who sacrificed Himself for everyone - for those who lived in the Old and New Testaments! To offer a Bloodless [sacrifice] to the Heavenly Father for everyone and for everything: for all those who have fallen in the faith, forefathers, forefathers, patriarchs, prophets, apostles... martyrs, confessors, abstinents, and about every righteous soul who died in the faith, much (especially) about the Most Holy, Most Pure, Most Blessed, Glorious Lady of our Theotokos and Ever-Virgin Mary, that is, about the entire Heavenly Church, and from the earthly - about every bishopric, honorable presbytery, deaconry in Christ... about the saints, the catholic and the apostles of the Church, about those who live in purity and honor, about the emperor, the entire reigning house, about their entire chamber and army, about all the people - for this, what a fiery, holy soul must there be! What a pure, angelic heart, detached from all worldly attachments, completely devoted to the Lord! Oh, at what an unattainable height a priest must stand during the celebration of the liturgy, inaccessible to any earthly views, calculations, or passions! God! Remember every Orthodox bishopric, honorable presbytery, deaconry in Christ and all the sacred and monastic orders and give them dignity, strength and strength the right to receive their highest, most holy rank! For the sake of Your name, make them worthy, able to rule the word of Your truth! Sunday. After an early mass and prayer service with Anna Sidorova at the forest exchange. I thank the Lord, who delivered me twice before mass in the Assumption Church from the fierce sorrow that befell me, firstly regarding the repentant Feona and, secondly, another repentant in the church, Marina, who bowed her head to the floor at the wrong time. I was upset with both for their inopportuneness and inappropriateness. The Lord had mercy for repentance. I performed the Liturgy with tenderness and tears, remembering the mercies of God shown to me, but at the very end the enemy outraged me, made me afraid of the sinful memory, and I barely defeated the unclean adversaries by diligently calling on the Lord. He consumed the Holy Gifts and left the church in peace. Anna Ivanovna Sidorova served a prayer service at first in embarrassment due to irritation with the beggars who were chasing me, but [during] the prayer service itself he earnestly prayed to the Lord for mercy and help - and received it, and served with great boldness and sincerity. Evening. Ten o'clock. I send thanks and praise to the Lord for my all-merciful deliverance from my grave offense before Him and from my sorrow that befell me for my sin, namely: in anger and irritation, I grabbed one beggar, who did not want to do anything, who drank and only begged for alms from me every day, and pulled him back behind me so that he would not bother me. The Lord accepted my repentance at the Intercession Altar and gave me peace and boldness with joy, which I felt in my soul. I thank the Lord, who showed me quick help in temptations while serving in the apartment of the Semyonovs (Maria, Elisaveta Ivanova and their children). I thank you for your help in the Duma, from the watchmen in the town council (Arkhip and Yakov) and from Andrei Ivanovich upstairs during the service of prayers. I called out to the Lord in contrition and repentance, and He heard and delivered me. God bless! Monday. To the most merciful Lord I send up glory and gratitude for the ineffable mercies shown to me, a many-passionate sinner, during early mass (from a momentary grief at the sexton for not reading the sixth hour of the church service, I was subjected to the devil’s malice and the tightness of hell, I felt a terrible burden). From the beginning of the Liturgy of the Catechumens until the final litany, I felt ill and constantly poured out my soul before God in repentance; During the extreme litany, the Lord had mercy on me and gave me peace and freedom. Then I was indignant when the watchman Nikolai told me at the wrong time (before the consecration of the Holy Gifts) about a prayer service with Nikolai Sidorov, but I soon calmed down; then, during the communion of the infants by the watchman Andrei, Ivan was somewhat embarrassed because children were allegedly often brought to the Holy Chalice (oh, I am damned! I must wish that children would commune more often at the same service with me - they are worthy: let the children come to Me and do not hinder them... [Mark 10:14]). There are a lot of Holy Gifts left, and there would be enough of them for a hundred babies. The Lord later accepted my repentance, together with fear and omission of the words of the prayer behind the pulpit, and delivered me from hellish cramped conditions. I thank the Lord for his all-powerful and quick help at prayers with Nikolai Sidorov, Denisov (in the shop), Markov, [Balinov, Zornov], again with Markov - at one o’clock in the afternoon. Wonderful is the name of the Lord Jesus Christ, saving me from all sorrows and troubles. Blessed be the name of the Lord from now on and forever. But I need abstinence. For intemperance I am subjected to fierce demonic machinations. Tuesday. This day is filled for me with the greatest mercies of God from morning to evening: during Matins in the cathedral, the Lord delivered me from the poisonous remorse of sin - obstinacy towards certain beggars. After Matins, I walked along the Lord’s Street on the left side, opposite the store, Gorbko saved me from the sting of voluptuousness by seeing the girl’s kindness 121 and being stung by it in my heart. In the Assumption Church, he saved him from a new wound that had befallen him for his new severity towards the poor. During early mass, he repeatedly got rid of the enemy’s oppression as a result of repentance, especially after the celebration of the Holy Mysteries, when grief at the sexton for unscrupulous, very quiet singing of You, we sing to You, we bless You, we thank You, Lord (Father Deacon Poletaev barely sang, sparing his precious voice to the extreme). I read the prayer behind the pulpit briskly all the way to the end. He said all the dismissal, but at the funeral service he stole the dismissal; the devil caught me, stole me and killed my soul, pinching it for a long time; I suffered for a long time and only through repentance and faith I got rid of the devil’s torment. Consuming the Holy Gifts, he had great faith and boldness in petitions (and for the House of Diligence). I thank the Lord for his help during the prayer service for [...] Zakharov; At the end, the enemy stopped me, killed me with his abomination, and I could not peacefully pronounce and complete the prayer, but with stealing words, in grave embarrassment and cramped conditions. Got rid of it where? In the chapel of the fish row, venerating with faith and repentance the feet of the Savior (on the icon). Wonderful is the name of Jehovah, the Eternal, the All-Good, the Almighty! Wonderful is the name of the Savior! Looking at the created beauty of creatures - precious stones, metals, minerals, plants, insects, fish, birds, animals, especially humans, at the beauty of the earth, electric and various fires, waters, heavens, sun, moon, stars, clouds, I ascend to the original, rational, personal Beauty, infinitely surpassing all the beauty of creatures; feeling the sweetness of earthly fruits and created sweets in general, I ascend to the original Sweetness; seeing the lightness of creatures (the sun, etc.) - I ascend to the original, brightest Sun in the darkness; Feeling the wondrous and varied pleasant fragrance of plants, I ascend to the first, all-guilty, ineffable, immaterial fragrance of the Holy Spirit and the Holy Trinity in general; seeing the natural force acting in creatures (the earth, not erected on anything), I ascend to the first infinite Force; seeing the wise structure of all creatures, the wisdom of the actions of even dumb creatures (spiders, bees, especially intelligent creatures - man, who with his mind does wonderful things and deeds) - I ascend to the original, personal Wisdom, to God; seeing life boiling everywhere in infinitely many and varied creatures, great and small, animate and inanimate, I ascend to the first, original, infinite intelligent Life, which animates everything; Seeing everywhere the joy and contentment of living beings, their playfulness, hearing the wondrous singing of birds that delight me, their joyful, playful flying, in general a joyful, self-satisfied feeling of life in all creatures - I ascend to the first Goodness, to the first all-blessed Being, who, by His infinite goodness, has granted such a joyful existence to all creatures, and I am convinced that everything was created for joy, goodness and bliss; Seeing everywhere infinitely diverse and innumerable, infinitely great forces in nature, I ascend to the first, actually infinite, intelligent Power, to God, to the one omnipotent Creator of all. So, from creatures I ascend incessantly to the Creator, and seeing the king of the earth, surrounded by greatness and glory, I ascend to the King of Heaven, who has incomparable greatness and power, eclipsing all earthly greatness and glory; Seeing the shrine in people, in the saints of God, I ascend to the first, imprecise shrine - the Lord God. Glory to the Lord, for he who has put on his confession and wondrous words [Ps. 103:1]. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the fierce pretext of the devil’s malice against God’s servant Ulyana Dimitar. in the apartment of Mikhail Gerasimovich and Evgenia Agafonovna in the Kudryavtsevsky wing in Pesochnaya Street. Is it because of a corruptible body that one should despise or hate an incorruptible, immortal soul? Is it because of the dust - what is in the image of God and what has been redeemed by the most pure blood of God? Because of an ugly face - a truly beautiful and eternally beautiful soul? Is it because of lustful, evil, unclean, corruptible and capricious vision, or rather, our evil and unclean heart, seeking in everything carnal pleasure, harmony and beauty of outline, to despise and humiliate the soul invisible with bodily eyes, infinitely superior to everything visible? It would be crazy, and ridiculous, and daring. This would mean despising both oneself and all people, for souls are essentially the same in all, and God Himself, Who is the Prototype of our souls. (Prototype.) I thank the Lord for His greatest mercy, shown to me in the house of Gerasim Murashov (in the apartment of the poor Semyonov family before the litany for the deceased young woman Mary) for my repentance - for deliverance from the fierce malice to which the devil incited me and into which he led me, killing my soul. Oh, what sorrow and crampedness there was within me! What poverty, what wretchedness! What an embarrassment. What shame and dumbness! And the Lord delivered me from all this for sincere repentance and faith! Glory to the All-Redeemer! It was at nine o'clock in the morning. And the fall into the devil’s malice took place in the apartment of the widow Catherine, an old woman, where there was a painter’s mother, not loved and not respected by her children - her son and daughter-in-law. It was her that the enemy set me on, and because of her he breathed his hellish breath into me. Singing the angelic song to God Holy, holy, holy, try with all your might to live angelically, holyly, in constant praise and thanksgiving to God and achieve as much likeness as possible to God, abhorring all sin and exercising yourself in all virtue: meekness, kindness, patience, mercy, obedience, love, purity, chastity, abstinence, contemplation of God, prayer, dispassion. Acquire unceasing prayer, have one God as the property of your soul, despise the womb, earthly treasures, glories, acquisitions that separate the soul from God. Yesterday, at the first grave in the cemetery, the enemy defeated, at the second, I defeated him with grace. I dined with Father Nikolai. How insane and absurd it is to attach the heart to earthly things and pleasures, the use of which is so short-lived, and addiction causes the greatest troubles to partial souls, moving them away from God, cooling the soul towards God and towards any virtue, not allowing them to strive for virtue and perfection, so characteristic of the soul and constituting its true goal. Evening. Eleven o'clock. May 12. Thursday. I thank the Lord, who repelled from my soul, through the prayer of repentance (internally in a standing position before the holy icon), the spirit of malice, which pierced its sting to sting me with tormenting hostility towards the woman who was in the Shlyapnikovs’ apartment (Posadskaya Street, building [...]). The Lord mercifully heeded my prayer and healed and delivered me from unrighteous enmity, granting peace, freedom, love with peace and spiritual pleasure; then I read spiritual articles from the “Athos Leaves” to the assembled women. I thank the Lord, who took away from my soul the subtle sting of voluptuousness, which stung and embarrassed me after leaving the Markovs, when I was walking in my garden at home. Yesterday at the cemetery at the grave of my father-in-law and mother-in-law, the enemy wounded my soul with an addiction to the gilded pectoral cross, which I hid from the incense (smoke), and I could not pronounce the litany, exclamation, dismissal, but when I went to another grave, to my mother, and was convinced that gold, like the sand of the paths, is the dust of the earth and ashes, and I despised it in my heart, then calmed down, and at the litany at his mother’s grave, the litany, exclamation and dismissal spoke without stumbling, peacefully, and freely remembered everyone when he remembered, except for my mother and father, John, Parthenius, Olga, Alexy (brother-in-law), [...], Alexander and my other relatives in the flesh: grandfathers, grandmothers, aunts, nephews, etc. Glory to God the Winner! From infancy, our ears are filled with various sacred exclamations of clergy, prayers, readings and singing of various sacred prayers and short and more extensive songs, which are sung in various voices and tunes. What do these exclamations, prayers, readings mean, what is their meaning and content, what teaching and edification and benefit do they provide for Christians? What is the meaning and significance of these prayers and songs, what do they teach us - all the children of the Orthodox Church need to know this thoroughly and clearly, so that our service to God is reasonable, conscious, heartfelt, free, diligent, joyfully solemn, fruitful in relation to our life and, in the end, inflames our hearts with love for God and for all virtue and leads to eternal bliss in heaven, to unceasing praise God in the Trinity in His eternal Kingdom. A thorough and detailed explanation of these proclamations, supplications, prayers, readings, chants, together with the rituals assigned to a certain part of the divine service, will be the subject of a real science of divine service, and this will be preceded by a preliminary part about the church, its accessories, the clergy, the holy cross and holy icons, sacred clothes and vessels as necessary accessories for divine services and the church and about the sacred books used in worship. Friday. I send glory to Christ God, who has shown His mercy in me even today during the service of early mass in the Assumption Church at the request of Ekaterina Filippovna, a Saratov peasant woman. The Lord trampled upon my enemies in me, giving me the grace to unfalteringly perform the Liturgy from beginning to end with the greatest boldness, with tenderness and tears, and received life-giving communion. He read the prayer behind the pulpit without the slightest fear, with rare ease and calmness, and the dismissal said the same. And at Matins in the cathedral the canon was read with the greatest enthusiasm, inspiration and spiritual joy. I thank the Lord for everything. [...] you need to go and take some money from the poor. Saturday. I thank the Lord for the gift of praising the Lord during the morning service, for the reading and singing of sedals, canons, stichera on praises and stichera. I thank the Lord for his help in singing the requiem for Alexandra Berzina, for reading prayers to Alexandra Kuznetsova, a mother in labor, and prayers to the newborn baby Pavel. I thank the Lord for delivering me from the confusion, sorrow and distress that befell me for reluctantly reading prayers over a sick baby, for the stern refusal of alms to the Golovlev boy and the woman who asked for the road to Kiev. I deliberately went to the cathedral for repentance after Vespers and to fall before Him who sat on the throne. After the all-night vigil, christening, prayer to the mother in labor. I thank the Lord for the kind and touching feelings during the service and christening. I could not pronounce doxologies when reading prayers due to the malice of the enemy. I read the prayers to the mother in labor insincerely, with false shame and fear, therefore concealing many words and expressions and entire short prayers, the Trisagion according to Our Father. I saw, while walking around the yard, a domestic dog that attacked a stranger’s dog, which went into a garbage pit in the yard and ate garbage; she viciously attacked the stranger and bit her until she broke free and ran away. I felt sorry for being offended, and I was offended by the owner of the pet dog, Archpriest Pavel, who, because of his wealth (so that thieves would not encroach), took a huge dog into his common yard. But then, on reflection, I learned a lesson from the dog fight. We are dogs ourselves, we are people. Are we not, even worse, ready to bite each other spiritually - and the rich to the poor, when these latter not only do not kidnap, but only persistently ask us for bread, money, clothing, having an extreme need for them? Truly, we either bite like dogs, or kick beggars like angry horses, or fight with them. There is nothing worse than our insensitivity, anger, cruelty, and yet we get angry at dogs. But a dog protects the house and property of its owners, but what do we keep? Vain and false, but we leave our mercy, money and various good things of God for the poor. Have mercy on us and enlighten us, Sovereign Lord. Sunday. Week about the Samaritan woman. Coronation of the sovereign. Twice the Lord revealed His greatest salvation in me, saving me through the prayer of whole-hearted, unfeigned repentance from the devil’s malice twice: once at the very beginning of the memorial service for Alexandra Nikolaevna Berzina, when the Lord delivered me from my secret bitterness and contempt for the married sister of Mikhail Gavrilovich Berzin, and another time after the memorial service upon my arrival home from my bitterness at a drunken man. a peasant who let his wife wander the world (I gave her forty kopecks) and drank away the money he earned at the timber exchange. Woe to me, it was hard for me from the hellish pretext of passions, with tears I begged the Lord to have mercy on me - and received great mercy, peace, freedom, boldness, righteousness, light and strength. From death I passed by the grace of God to life, from cramped space to spaciousness, from despondency to joy, from weakness to strength. Blessed be God, who is still kind to me! Evening. I thank the Lord, who quickly, sovereignly and mercifully delivered me from the sting of voluptuousness that stung me in the Markovs’ apartment. The saving power of God visited me at the entrance to the police station on the lower platform, where I was sheltering from the rain while going to the all-night vigil in the Assumption Church. He became peaceful, light-hearted and free. He served the All-Night Vigil with grace, but while reading the Gospel to the monk, the enemy did not allow, due to my cowardice and impurity of heart, to utter the words of the Lord: and learn from Me, for I am meek and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls [Matthew 11:29]. I read the canon with great jealousy. Eleven and a half o'clock in the evening. Now, while walking and praying in the garden, especially after intense internal repentance, I have been granted deliverance from the evil and unclean, soul-pressing carnal lust that arose from an unclean idea, deliverance from the evil one Belial, who deceived and captivated me secretly. I was delivered by diligently invoking in repentance the sweetest, all-saving name of Christ. I thank the all-holy, all-righteous, all-merciful, long-suffering towards me, unworthy, the Master and God of my Lord Jesus Christ. Monday. Seven and three quarters in the morning. For an hour and a half I was tormented by disembodied enemies who had caught me in the net of their malice: two women came to me out of spiritual love to receive the blessing of the Lord through me and to express to me their spiritual disposition at seven o’clock in the morning (after carrying Anna Berzina out), and I was indignant and embittered with them because at all times, early and late, and in every place, they poke their noses at me and catch me. And because of this embitterment, invisible enemies entered like robbers into my soul and killed it with extreme tightness and sorrow, and all the time indicated above I was in extremely painful agony, constantly praying, bringing repentance, asking forgiveness from the Lord for the sake of His name, for the sake of unspeakable mercy. And when I resolutely rushed to expel the enemies in the name of the Lord, resolutely armed myself against their malice, the Lord expelled them from my inner church and gave me peace and freedom. God bless! At funeral services and litia (removal) he concealed exclamations and dismissals due to fear of demons. Have mercy, Lord! I thank the Lord, who has given me the grace to perform the Divine Liturgy with a feeling of tenderness (at the beginning of mass, my heart was cold and dull) and to partake of the life-giving Holy Mysteries by the ineffable mercy of the Lord, who forgives and cleanses my countless iniquities. I didn’t read the whole prayer behind the pulpit, but missed those words with which the devil used to 122 stammer me, which he stole from me by force (spiritual struggle with the thought of hostility towards Maria Filippovna Menshova, née Stepanova, when my gaze met her at the door). At the prayer service, while reading the Gospel, the adversary embarrassed me, but I began to read the Gospel again rarely and firmly; when reading the prayer for the crowned sovereign, Satan became extremely intensified to forcibly delight the words of the prayer and delighted many, confusing and shaking my heart; however, I finished the prayer; hid it out of embarrassment and fear of meeting the gaze [...]. Lord, destroy the barriers of the devil in me and grant me to look at everyone dispassionately, without partiality. Grant, Lord! For from You every gift is perfect, so that Satan may not reign in me according to any image. I thank the Lord, for in His name, by invoking His secret name in Sampson Denisov’s apartment (at a party), I got rid of the murderous, shameful thought of the prodigal by looking at the photograph (of Kulikova’s wife) and received peace and freedom of spirit. I was at the children's theater. [...] The commandant's engineer-sailor is the role of a servant. Tuesday. I thank the Lord for the victory over the malice of the enemy, who wounded me with his anger towards God’s servant Nadezhda Efim. at the mere memory of her, sitting on Vasily Nikitin’s balcony on the second day of the coronation celebration. The Lord defeated his malice and delivered me from it through sincere repentance, and I served Nikolai Turkin’s prayer service well, only in the end the thought of rewarding me [the royal] embarrassed me, hurt me, killed me, and I could not say what was appropriate. In the cathedral he repented, standing at the altar in the Pokrovsky chapel, and got rid of the cramped conditions. In the House of Diligence, before the prayer service, one glance at the girl’s breasts embarrassed, stung, killed me for the sake of an evil and unclean view through the slander of the evil one, and I barely saved myself by secret repentance, and then I served imperfectly due to gluttony with Ekaterina Stepanovna Soloukhina and at home. Pavel Stepanovich Burachk served the prayer service sincerely, calmly, freely, because Burachk also prayed with adamantine before the prayer service; their warm faith and zeal helped me to pray unfailingly, fruitfully, nourishingly, sweetly, victoriously. After the funeral service at Serebrennikov, where I secretly sinned against Father Paul in my thoughts and was wounded, upon arriving home and through secret prayer I was delivered from the fierce oppression of demons. Praise the Lord. Wednesday. The temptations that happen to me indicate why they intensify and overcome me, namely: from gluttony and satiety or untimely eating and drinking, for example in the morning. As long as I am moderate and abstinent, temptations have no power and are easily overcome if they are found. Yesterday, having eaten and drank at the wrong time, I was extremely offended by the tempter, falling under his sharp and poisonous remorse, but as soon as I abstained and zealously sang to the Lord at Vespers, I was freed from temptations and at Burachok I served a prayer service, farewell and at the same time thanksgiving ([...]), freely, sincerely, calmly, graciously, strongly, divinely. How true is the apostolic word: it is good to strengthen hearts with grace, and not with foods from which those who engage in them do not benefit [Heb. 13:9]. And I have experienced countless times that the grace of prayer and praise during abstinence wonderfully strengthens my heart, but from food and drink I weakened my heart for forty years and every time now I relax, without receiving any benefit for the soul; As soon as I even begin to eat and drink, I immediately feel spiritual weakness and after eating food I can no longer pray as sincerely, cheerfully, articulately as before eating it. Oh, grant, enlighten, and teach me, Lord, to fast unceasingly, not to weaken my many-passionate flesh, which rewards me for any excess with excess corruption and loss of spiritual strength, cowardice and fear, loss of spiritual light and darkening of the eyes of the heart, holy love for God and neighbor. Try to have and consider it your treasure, and pleasure, and decoration, and wealth, and the honor of the one Lord, and count everything else that the world considers wealth, treasure, pleasure, honor, as nothing, as smoke, dust, steam, a dream, as a soap bubble, for everything is perishable and quickly passes and does not bring any benefit or affirmation or true bliss to the immortal soul. Reverence the female sex - the receiver of the seed and the educator and vessel-maker of the human being and its parent. Reverence the Divine wisdom, most pure, kindly, wisely, beautifully arranged all female members and organs - for the reception, education, position and nutrition of babies, who put into the soul of a woman so many precious feelings of goodness, tenderness, affection, sympathy, nobility and sublimity of spirit, so much gentleness, femininity, gullibility, so much patience and selflessness, so much faith and love for God and for to humanity. Among women there are more pious, wholly devoted to God and the Church, than among men, perhaps because, among other things, they are sometimes more free from business than men. Knowing from experience the ferocity, ferocity, destruction of sin, even in instant thought and feeling, not only in word and deed, and how it deprives a person of the life-giving grace of God, communication with God and brings into the soul darkness, sorrow, oppression, death, take extreme care of yourself and the souls entrusted to you from all sin, admonish, teach them day and night to beware of sin, avoid temptations and hold with all your heart God and holiness, truth, all virtue, with fear and trembling work out your salvation, acquired for us by the blood and death of the Son of God. Admonish those who love money, drunkards, fornicators and harlots to abandon passions and love virtue, for they are perishing alive. Wednesday. I thank the Lord for the unspeakably great mercies shown to me today during Matins and the early liturgy in the Assumption Church at the request of Burachok. Dead by sins, especially gluttony, the day before, the Lord revived me for tears of repentance and, despite the fierce demon that embarrassed me (due to the fact that the sexton missed the sacrament and began to directly read the canon for communion), he vouchsafed me to peacefully and life-givingly receive the Holy Mysteries, creating in me a great victory of grace over malice. He performed the Liturgy without stumbling, with grace, sincerely; I read the entire prayer behind the pulpit, and said the entire dismissal. At the dismissal of the memorial service, the enemy confused, confused, hurt, and I sincerely repented of the fact that I was afraid of the enemy’s slander, the fear inspired by him, and did not say the initial words of the dismissal: Christ, our true God... The Lord miraculously revived after the death that had shackled my soul. At Serebrennikov’s funeral service, he looked slyly at Father Pavel the rector, somewhat angrily at the instigation of the devil, and again fell into death; in the cathedral he repented, venerated the holy throne, and was healed. Upon arriving home, I looked at the picture of the woman in the Niva and was hurt, but after sincerely and deeply repenting [at home] to the Lord, I was healed. Glory to Thee, Lord! I sinned before the Lord by wondering in the newspaper about my reward, whether it was printed, while the Lord is the only true, real, life-giving, eternal reward and His abiding in my heart. I sinned before the Lord by being jealous of a perishable reward, I, an inexcusable servant, who did not do anything worthy of a reward and did not even do what was due. Once again I sinned before the Lord by being indignant and offended by the sexton Mikhail Al. Bystryakov during a prayer service at the Leontyevs for inviting deacon Vladimir Poletaev, without my knowledge, who invited Kuznetsov (Al. Sergeevich) to the service; I was so embarrassed that I could not read the Gospels of the Prayer Service and the Blessing of Water and, due to long-term and strong struggle, barely read the prayer of the Blessing of Water. The trouble is that I cunningly, and not in the simplicity of my heart, heard and understood the words of the sexton to the deacon, spoken simply out of delicacy and chatter, and the enemy caught me, not ready for the fight after resting (from three and a half hours to twelve). I reprimanded the sexton about this at four and a half o'clock in the evening with bitterness and I repent of it. Have mercy, Lord! Thursday. Morning. I thank the Lord, who surprised me with His rich, usual mercy: who breathed into me zeal and zeal to read and sing with great animation and joy the canons and stichera with sedals, kontakia and ikos, and who delivered me from the painful suspicion and internal anger towards Father Abbot Paul for his careless attitude towards divine services and preparation for the service of the Divine Liturgy (he stands at the western doors for a while and leaves, but Father Pyotr Klepachevsky does not come to Matins at all). I prayed earnestly to the Lord, that he would grant me to live in simplicity of heart, in humility and kindness, and in every kind of pleasing to the Lord with all my heart, in non-judgment of others, for everyone will give an answer to God for themselves, every person has an incorruptible, unhypocritical judge - conscience, this voice of God and the eye of God in man. Yes, I remember that I am the most damned, most corrupt sinner of all, unworthy to look at the heights of heaven, worthy of all condemnation and torment. I thank the Lord for the miracles of His mercy in me during the cathedral liturgy (for the merchant Serebrennikov); I was repeatedly mortally wounded by the primordial villain and the ethereal wicked man with anger at the Father Superior for ordering all the windows in the cathedral to be closed (and I ordered them to be opened because of the strong smell from the sudden death of an obese man) and for not waiting for me at the entrance prayer; After self-condemnation and repentance, the Lord delivered me from spiritual death at the time when the Apostle was already being read. Another time he stung with anger at the rector at the words Yes, and they glorify us with us... 123 - it seemed that the archpriest was very proud in front of us, for he did not want to move the antimension with his finger; after the great entrance, during secret prayer (read during the litany), the Lord again loosed the mortal bonds in my soul. While following the path from the church to the Petersburg Gate, the enemy attacked and pressed me, and I got rid of him through repentance. Before the prayer service on the military steamer Rabotnik, the infernal forces terribly pressed and embarrassed me, instilling fear in the upcoming officers; On the Gospels, the enemies especially punctuated me and did not allow me to read them cheerfully and without stumbling; I quickly and stealthily read the litany of water, afraid to utter the words, for enemies surrounded me on all sides. He finished without much shame and sprinkled it with a constricted heart. Enemies steal me from myself, do not allow me to be within myself, at home in my heart. In the evening, at the memorial service for the servant of God Irina, I could not serve from embarrassment, fear and cramped conditions; my tongue could not move, my heart was constricted and sank. Demons surrounded me. Woe is me! This is from gluttony, from drinking wine with the officers on the ship, from clinking glasses with them (and I just celebrated the liturgy and received Holy Communion). I have no love for the dead, no sincerity, as for living people close to me. My own worldly interests consume me, confuse me, suppress me; everywhere, and when praying for the dead, concern for one’s flesh: about air, about money, partiality; the sincerity of the heart has died, this life of our immortal spirit, and lies, delusion and with them darkness, crampedness, fear, cowardice, death have reigned in the heart. God! Save us: we are perishing. Hold with all your strength holy simplicity in your heart, may God alone be your treasure, your strength, your light; Take every care for your soul and the souls of your neighbors, so that they may be delivered from sin and saved into the Kingdom of Heaven; Disdain earthly, material things, that is, do not cleave to them. Do not neglect the adornment of the body, but decorate the soul with meekness, humility, kindness, purity, courage, patience, firmness, moderation in everything, obedience, dispassion. The rector, Father Pavel, involuntarily inclines and attracts respect with his constant regularity, quietness, evenness of disposition, gentleness, equanimity, and patience. Imitate him in this, but not his stinginess and hard-heartedness towards the poor, not his passion for money, not his search for vain rewards, not his love of primacy, not his negligence in the performance of everyday morning and evening worship and neglect of the cleanliness of the church, of observing the church liturgical rules, of reading and singing by the clergy. Avoid this, and what he does not care about, you do about. In the heart of a person devoted to the world, partial to its ephemeral blessings, incompatible things are strangely combined, often even in prayer - God and earthly, material goods: money, food, clothing, earthly distinctions and honor, various pleasures, some persons, passionately loved or hated, love for God and love for the world, for its pomp, luxury, love for the flesh, for its passions and lusts. And then prayer turns into sin, as hypocritical, insincere, double-minded, cold, careless and lazy. And what a blessing it is to be with God! How easy, joyful, peaceful! But how hard it is to cling even for one moment to vain, fleeting blessings! I thank the Lord, who graciously delivered me several times during Vespers (distress at the sexton who changed his voice) and after Vespers (at the prayer service for the Blessing of Water, due to sweating, I was upset at myself for not putting on light trousers); then at a prayer service with Ekaterina Soloukhina and Elena Ukhova (Tsepov’s wooden house on Medvezhya Street), where blood gushed from a finger. Saturday. The morning of this day has already been filled for me with miracles of God’s mercy, miracles of salvation, intercession and deliverance from the fierce machinations of demons: during prayers in Klimov’s house and in the church during the prayer service for water (at the beginning), when I was upset that the women of St. Petersburg asked me to serve prayers, while this was the work of another priest. And I, damned one, forgot the impressive and savingly wise word of the Apostle: Pray without ceasing [1 Thess. 5:17]. I forgot how useful and necessary constant prayer is for myself. I condemned myself, humbled myself, asking forgiveness from the Lord, and He, the all-merciful One, had mercy on me. And at home the Lord had mercy on me when I repented of my irritation and anger at the poor boys who had learned evil. Because of the many multitude of my sins, the mercies of the Lord have multiplied upon me every day, and they have no number. I want to spread my memory throughout their space, and - alas! - it does not contain even a hundredth part of them, even a thousandth, for many of God’s blessings, due to my sinful blindness and my insensibility, elude my thoughts and memory. I want to be surprised, to be in awe, to glorify, to give thanks - and all this turns out to be far from sufficient, inconsistent with the greatness of Divine benefits to me, and through me to many, many people who come running with faith through me to God. Accept, O Master, the Heavenly King, although my incapacity is humble instead of all praises and sacrifices. You see the desire, intention, desire for thanksgiving and praise. I condemned the abbot and was upset with him for his indifferent attitude towards the deceased sexton Adrian Kamenogradsky and his family, but then I repented, thinking: what is the use of condemnation and grief? – None, but harm to the souls of both the condemning and the condemned. It’s better to think with love, which endures everything and covers everything, it’s better to pray for him, Father Superior, to soften his stony and stingy heart, and for yourself, so that I never condemn my brother and myself be compassionate and generous to everyone according to my strength. So I did, and the Lord appeased me. Six o'clock in the evening. After the prayer service. Now the Lord has had mercy on me through the prayer of repentance, delivering me from the sorrow and distress that befell me for the instantaneous movement of heartfelt anger towards the soldier Anna. I thank the Lord. Sunday. After early mass. I thank the Lord, who took away the coldness, relaxation and tightness of the heart that existed at the beginning of the liturgy, and who bestowed lightness, tightness of heart and tenderness with tears during the service of the Divine, wonderful, heavenly, life-giving liturgy with the peaceful, faith-filled communion of the Holy Mysteries. The sermon was spoken after the Gospel. I thank the Lord, who delivered me after an intense prayer of secret repentance in my garden due to my anger at my father rector (regarding his order to dig garbage into the garden of Father Deacon Nicholas) and who delivered me from cramped conditions and sorrow. Oh, what an important, great advantage it is to be in the image of God, what responsibilities this advantage imposes on all of us, what we are destined for, what bliss, what holiness, what contemplation of God and His impregnable, eternal glory and all the heavenly beauties! Therefore, beloved, having such promises, let us cleanse ourselves from all filthiness of the flesh and spirit, perfecting holiness in the fear of God [2 Cor. 7:1]! In order for our soul to be capable of perceiving heavenly, heavenly bliss, it is necessary for it to suffer here in its many-passionate flesh and be cleansed from sin, for he who suffers in the flesh ceases to sin [1 Peter 4:1]. Without labor and suffering, it is impossible to cleanse yourself from the sin that nests in the flesh. So, do not run away from sorrows and suffering, but accept them with a grateful heart, knowing their benefits. Many are the sorrows of the righteous, and the Lord will deliver me from them all [Ps. 33:20]. After Matins. During Matins, at the beginning of it, the Lord surprised me with His greatest mercy after my secret repentant prayer and falling before His holy, life-giving and terrible throne, releasing me from the bonds of hell and from the tightness that oppressed me, and giving me peace, freedom and joy. After that, with the greatest enthusiasm, I read and sang sedalny, canons, stichera on praises and stichera. My sin was cruelty towards the poor and towards the old woman Paraskeva Kovrigina. Into corruption and corruption are your deeds, O man: in gluttony, lust for carnality, greed, in the corruptible adornment of a corruptible body, in love of love and covetousness, in vain pleasures. A worthy end is decay. He who sows to his flesh will from the flesh reap corruption, says the word of God [Gal.6:8]. God! Remember Your grieving servant Nadezhda and all those who are in sorrow, known to me and turning to You through my unworthiness, and all those unknown to me and who do not know me. Remember, Lord, and have mercy on them. For You weigh all and the needs of all, and as You alone are all-good and all-powerful, and You want and can deliver from sorrows, ailments and various illnesses. Amen, wake up! The priesthood of the Orthodox Church must be as bright as the sun, in the qualities of its soul and in its life and in its highest, heavenly, hierarchical and sacramental rank. So, let us all pray to the Lord and always pray that the Lord will give to all clergy and clergy holiness, truth, strength of spirit, reason and wisdom, that through them the Holy Trinity, which has entrusted them with such a high, saving service, may be worthily glorified, and may the Lord deliver us from condemning any of them, for the Lord Himself stands or falls, He alone is their Judge. Tuesday. I thank the Lord, who gave me the grace of forgiveness of my sins at the beginning of Matins (stinginess towards the poor) and the greatest inspiration when reading and singing during Matins. At the beginning of the liturgy, a nasty demon seized me and mortally wounded me with thoughts of partiality and divination, 124 from which I got rid of by repentance and zealous invocation of His name, after which I served with tenderness and tears, and received life-giving communion. I read the prayer behind the pulpit boldly, but in the end I was embarrassed by an unclean thought (Markov) that suddenly appeared in the moment, which I could not quickly expel and because of which I stole my leave; During the funeral service, through fervent repentance and invocation of the name of the Lord, through His Blood I was cleansed from the violent, imposed filth of thoughts and calmed down. Then, seeing off the drowned youth Paul (the bread merchant’s son), I, tempted by the enemy, zealously called on the name of the Lord, trusting that there was no filth or vice or wiles of the enemy from which the hand of the Lord could not save me. Then I slept at home until half past one. Then he went to the wake. He was cruelly tempted with the beggar guy, fell into anger, stinginess, love of money, furious at him for his persistence (he asked for thirty kopecks); I scolded him (the scoundrel), I was mortally wounded in my soul, began to repent, went to the cathedral - it was locked; He prayed on the porch, fervently repenting of his sins and fervently calling on the name of the Lord; pardoned; went in peace to the funeral; again beggars, one very drunk, did not give a penny, the other - two kopecks, [...] sat bored, as if mentally bound. It is not much longer, my soul, for you to live in a perishable body; you will have to live incomparably more without a body entirely, infinitely more - in an incorruptible, spiritual body; How will you live without a body, working here only for the body and not satisfying the essential needs of the soul, without acquiring truth, holiness, love, mercy, simplicity, humility, kindness, meekness, patience, abstinence, purity and other virtues? Food is for the belly, and the belly is for food; but God will destroy both. The body is not for fornication, but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body [1 Cor. 6:13]. Is it worth it, for the sake of a short-term stay of the soul in the body, to please the corruptible body, its lusts and passions, which defile the soul and remove it from God and His sweet communion and plunge it into eternal torment? Hurry to fulfill the laws of the spirit and reject carnal lusts, for you will soon live without a body. Today I was subjected to an extremely acute and painful temptation because of my gluttony and satiety and unpreparedness for serving the liturgy: in the evening it was not said that there would be mass. I tried to make up for my lack and sinfulness with tears of tenderness - and everything went well, touchingly, but when the Holy Chalice was taken out and two children (one six-year-old Masha Arkhipova) received communion, I was upset, damned, for the frequent offering of a child to the Holy Mysteries, although he is a thousand times more worthy than me and I should be glad that I am not the only one receiving communion, but the children are with me. But such is my malice, such is the malice of the devil, who does not tolerate the union of even innocent babies with the Lord, such is his enmity, his war against us and against the Lord! Lord, have mercy on me, damned one! At the end of the memorial service I barely got rid of the hellish violence of the devil. I read the prayer behind the pulpit with extreme tension, loudly, in order to suppress the words of the enemy with thunder. I stole my leave. After Vespers for Ascension. I thank the Lord, obedient, quick to obey, gracious and kind to me even until now, for he soon heard me and had mercy when I earnestly, with undoubted faith, cried out to Him for salvation from the oppression and sorrow that befell me before Vespers for partiality, secret hostility and contempt for the servant of God Ulyana, ugly, with a pockmarked face, but very kind heart. In the church garden she came up to me and talked to me about her weakness (drowsiness). I sincerely repented of this satanic obsession, for I felt how the enemy was stinging me internally with malice, inciting hostility towards a person who was completely innocent and very good, kind, a believer, devoted with all his soul to both God and me. The Lord delivered me from obsession, enlightened the eyes of my heart, pacified me, consoled me, confirmed me, and with a joyful heart and voice I glorified the Ascension of the Lord at Vespers. God bless! The Lord worked in me a miracle of mercy and His revival on my way home from the gymnasium, when my heart was cramped and restless, and I, realizing that it was the enemy who was causing mischief in me, earnestly called upon the name of the Lord, that he might drive out the adversary from me, and he, the accursed one, immediately disappeared, and I felt light and free. Glory to God, who continually benefits me and drives away my enemies. P.S. I fasted a little on the eve of the Ascension, ate some black bread with kvass (it was impossible to eat fish soup because of the mud, as well as ruffs and perches) and already felt a special lightness in my soul and a strength that easily overcomes the temptations of the enemy (my nephew Fidelin served a prayer service very easily). What would happen, what benefit and strength would there be in my soul if I constantly fasted? At the end of the prayer service, I became somewhat distracted and was subjected to confusion and cramped conditions, but after the prayer service I secretly prayed to the Lord with zeal, and the Lord sovereignly delivered me from spiritual death. I thank the Lord, who gave me tenderness while reading the canons to the apostles and St. Nicholas. I sinned: I broke my nephew’s fast and, out of ignorance or oblivion, ate meat and fish pie with eggs. How little, very, very little faith, sincerity and holy simplicity we have in us, and how much, much lack of faith, coldness and guile, or fear and false shame, uncleanness and every abomination imaginable and imaginable! Everything tempts us and everything can outrage us due to the impurity of our hearts, and the most innocent thing can be the subject of our confusion and torment. To the pure all things are pure; but for those who are defiled... nothing is pure, but their mind and conscience are defiled [Titus 1:15]. (The bird, turning its belly up on the crossbar in the cage, goes to the previous one.) How little spiritual meaning and sincerity we have! We all read the Our Father every day, and more than once, but who knows the true meaning of each saying of this Divine prayer? Who sincerely always reads it, pronounces it, who sincerely prays with these wonderfully wise words and simply put them together? Who sincerely desires what he asks for it, and even less: who sincerely desires to fulfill what he desires and asks for it, to receive what he asks for? Who sincerely hated sin in all its forms and loved and desired only truth and holiness (hallowed be thy name)? Who has actively desired that God alone reign in his heart unceasingly through every kind of virtue, and that the evil one may not reign for one minute, not for a moment? Who sincerely desired to fulfill and actually fulfills only the will of God, righteous, perfect, holy, blessed, having rejected, hated his own will, sinful, depraved, disastrous, blind (thy will be done)? Who has loved all people sincerely and prays for everyone, as if for himself, is sick for everyone, wishes for everyone every good thing and salvation and deliverance from sin and destruction? Who sincerely wants to be content with only what is necessary (our daily bread...) and does not want much and excess (for example, thousands and tens of thousands of money)? Who sincerely repents every day and accepts the firm intention to live in truth, hating sin and its culprit, and not those who sin through deception and learning from it or through weakness and skill (forgive us our debts, just as we forgive our debtors)? Who sincerely avoids temptations and is not the cause of them, who endures them with humility, who does not fall under their burden? Who removes the causes of them? Who flees from the evil one and his temptations? A Christian must be all eye, all light, all fiery love for God and the law of His love for neighbor. Ascension. Yesterday’s inattention to myself and the day caused me terrible misfortune - breaking the Wednesday (Voznesenskaya) fast of my nephew Fidelin (eating meat and pie with eggs and fish), drinking wine and beer; my soul was extremely weakened, and the enemy adversary tormented me terribly today during early mass, until I begged the Lord with tearful repentance and secret prayer. Only at the Litany of the Catechumens did I free myself from the oppression and malice of Belial, and for this I learned the full price of deliverance. The rest of the liturgy, from the Cherubic Song to the end, was served peacefully, with tenderness and many tears. He stole the prayer behind the pulpit out of timidity, and the dismissal too. The sermon was spoken well. At the funeral service at the rag picker's, the enemy viciously confused me. I experienced a terrible, hellish fire, kindled by the sevenfold, before the trip and during the trip on the ship [...] "Vladimir" (Tolbukhin captain) and on the ship itself before the prayer service: the enemy instilled in me anger towards my sister-in-law to the extreme, and I was offended by her, experiencing in myself a terrible fire, zeal, mortal fiery tightness. Things almost reached the point of despair, but I was strengthened by faith, hope, repentance, inner prayer, and finally, already during the prayer service itself, with the greatest intensity of repentance, with faith and hope, I got rid of the mortal crampedness and powerlessness of my soul and served the entire prayer service with the greatest boldness, clearly, separately. But on the ship [...] I made a mistake at the prayer service because on the ship “Vladimir” I drank a large glass of wine. He sang good evening vespers. At Markelov’s memorial service, he was unkind: he stole the litanies and the dismissal. In the apartment of Paraskeva Ivanovna Oleinikova, after the struggle against evil, the Lord solemnly delivered from the anger towards the formerly blind Paraskeva. The fire of hell was so strong in me while moving in a boat along the harbor roadstead that I gave my word never to be upset or embittered with anyone, for the devil often arouses grief and embitterment by slandering a person, and to cover everyone and everything with love, condescension, mercy, patience and immediately extinguish the first sunken spark of displeasure and grief (Anna Konstantinovna Tsvetkov). In fact, if I had just stayed in my apartment a little longer, I would have quarreled: the instigation of the enemy was so strong! Friday. All my consolation, all my heart contentment, my blessedness, my light, my strength, my triumph is to remember You, my God, to believe in You, to trust in You, to sincerely repent before You and to be merciful by You, cleansed, justified, consoled by You, to pray to You, to meditate on You, to thank and glorify You. I would be a pathetic, pathetic creature in this world if I didn’t have all this every day. No bodily pleasures could satisfy my rational and immortal soul, created for other pleasures that differ from the pleasures of a corruptible body that is content with corruption. And perishable pleasures have value only with spiritual, incorruptible ones, like [eating] food during and after fervent prayer. May the Lord and my God, who is in Three Persons, worshiped and glorified, be my constant treasure. Oh, Holy Trinity, glory to You! Amen. By grace, the Most Holy Theotokos was preserved from all sin and adorned with all virtue, for all the glory of the princess’s daughter is within, and she is adorned with golden garments [Ps. 44:14]; by grace She became the Mother of God and the Queen of all creatures; by grace, all the holy people of God were delivered from sin and achieved godly shrines, incorruptibility and glory in the Kingdom of Heaven, by grace they were strengthened in all temptations on earth, in deeds and sufferings, adorned with all virtue; grace was everything to them. Seek also, O man, more than any treasure for the grace of God, and may it reign in you unceasingly. May Your Kingdom come. I thank the Lord, who has granted me the greatest mercy of deliverance from the consequences of anger towards Anna Gerasim, for holding my hand while kissing (on the street) and for the inspired, free reading and singing of the canon and stichera, and especially for the unfailing performance of the early liturgy and the non-judgmental communion of the Holy Mysteries, which revived me and strengthened my weak, often restless spirit. He said the prayer behind the pulpit and the dismissal in full, without any omissions. The memorial service for Markel's old lady was served quite well. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the feelings of greed and envy that I felt upon arriving home, when I saw all my household at the meat table on Friday. Through a prayer of repentance I got rid of the oppressive feeling. Evening. Eleven and a half hours. I glorify, Lord, Your mercies and generosity, Your prompt obedience, kindness and kindness towards me, Your unworthy and indecent servant, throughout the evening today, starting from the eve, during and through vespers. Before Vespers and at the beginning of it, You extinguished in me the hostility towards Father Superior, who came to Vespers three quarters of an hour after the start of the gospel, which rarely happens with us, and gave me true, high pleasure in singing the stichera of Vespers (Ascension and Holy); then, when I was extremely wounded and killed by a spiritual serpent while giving prayer to a baby in [Khromov’s] house, you accepted my repentance and prayer and healing by Your grace, and healed me, and gave me the grace to perform the prayer service without stumbling; then, in the House of Diligence, he helped me get rid of the enemy’s snares and gave me the strength to perform a prayer service sincerely, peacefully, without stumbling, and victoriously. Then, when I was going to a memorial service and was in mortal closeness from invisible enemies, You accepted my repentance and faith with hope and Your name, struck and drove away the invisible villains from me at the time when I was approaching Markelov’s house; I served the requiem with boldness, but at the end the enemy again seized me with the thought and desire of the fruit-grower expected and prepared for me at Vasiliev’s visit - he embarrassed, killed, deprived me of freedom of speech, and then the demonic stampede began again, embarrassment, stinging, pinching, from which I completely got rid of only when I came to church and repeatedly, with faith in the all-good Savior, touched the saint with my heart and lips throne (in the main church). Then the Lord performed a miracle of resurrection on my soul. I came to life, perked up, calmed down. Then, when I was with the Markovs and was extremely kindly treated and finally felt a movement of the flesh in my heart, although I did not sympathize with it, and in repentance after leaving them I sincerely called on the Lord, again I got rid of the corrupting and desecrating, confusing and enslaving movements of the flesh that are moving away from the Lord. The visible presupposes the invisible, for in the visible the invisible principle prevails everywhere, the corruptible - the incorruptible, the temporary and transitory - the eternal and imperishable, the beauty that is corruptible, the thing that presupposes the beauty that is incorruptible, eternal, the fragrance that is perishable presupposes the incorruptible, immaterial, the visible power - the invisible, goodness and love are finite, the created - goodness and infinite love. May I not be seduced by the visible, but ascend to the invisible and may I be inflamed with the desire to love Him, to see Him, to possess Him, to enjoy Him, to be strengthened by Him, to be fragrant by Him, to be adorned with His imperishable beauty. Why does Satan always carry me away and drown me with his all-evil, disgusting, deadly breath? Because my bodily passions are strong, my attachment to earthly and perishable things is strong, and my love for God is extremely weak, there is no true thirst, no thirst for truth and incorruptibility, eternal life. Until I renounce all my possessions—my passions—I cannot be a disciple of the Lord Jesus. This is the lesson Satan gives me every day and he himself teaches me not to work for him against my will. After early mass and the removal of the late Marfa Markelova. I thank the Lord, who has surrounded me even today with the joys of deliverance, firstly, regarding the resentment, irritation and embitterment towards Efimov, who became dull during the test of the eighth grade pupils, who did not give an answer to the question: what are the books of the Holy Scripture called by one name (that is, the Bible)? He said that he had never heard of such a thing. I repented in grief and accused myself that I taught poorly through negligence and that I myself do not know the essence of the law of God, which is love that is long-suffering, not irritated, enduring all, covering all, never ceasing, and I hated the student because of his ignorance and dullness. He served Mass with great tenderness and tears, without stumbling, he received life-giving communion and gave communion to five people, four of them from St. Petersburg. When carrying out all the way from Markelov, from the eastern end of Kronstadt to the western, the enemy terribly oppressed and tormented, and again because of the disciple Efimov, for again he had great grief and hostility towards him. Again he repented in the same way and, already approaching the Vladimir Church, received deliverance from the Lord. Glory to God the Deliverer! Evening. I thank the Lord, who with great mercy delivered me through my secret prayer during the exam in the fourth grade of the gymnasium from confusion and distress over my story about the bad answer in the exam in the eighth grade of the student Efimov. (He later explained himself to me and turned out to be a very good guy, not like the adversary the devil showed him to me.) I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the secret voluptuousness that began in my hearts after the great caresses shown to me by my spiritual daughters, who cried about everyday hardships and their sins. This deliverance took place at four o’clock in the evening, when I was walking out of the Engineering Garden after the hospitality of Evdokia Egorova. During Vespers, and especially during the All-Night Sunday Vigil on May 26, I felt extremely ill from overeating when I was treated to a pie (with fish and rice) and cheesecake (with cottage cheese); frequent belching with cake filling, some kind of constraint, lack of freedom, congestion in the throat, lack of freedom and difficulty in the voice and pronunciation of exclamations, especially the Gospel - I was in trouble. He stole the release, Christ, the true Light, also somehow muttered awkwardly and indistinctly (in the Gospel at the end he missed quite a bit, and at the beginning of the words be bo naked [John 21:7] out of false shame). But the Lord is abundantly merciful: there were many moments of warmth and tenderness, for I did not doze, but cried out to the Lord. A lesson to me: never eat pies with rice, and especially not eat again at home after guests, especially rotten soup and meat, and in general strictly observe moderation in food and drink, so that you will not receive abandonment from God and His grace for intemperance. But grief without grace! Fruitman Nikolai Vasiliev served a prayer service without stumbling. He treated me, and I, a sinner, treated myself very generously to all sorts of good things to eat and drink. I thank the Lord, who feeds us with His generous gifts. Thanks to him, Nikolai, for his love. I shared everything with everyone, as is always my custom. At the polyeleos and the censing of the altar, the enemy began to cry and confused me with a spirit of hostility and grief towards Procopius, the altar watchman - and for what? For casually bending over just barely when I showed him. I sinned that because of an empty chance I fell away from love and destroyed the law of Christ in my soul, the law of love. But, having repented secretly and venerated the Holy Altar in repentance, I felt a stream of life in my heart as a sign of the Lord’s hearing and forgiveness. Beware of the breath of the evil Belial when children are brought to receive the Holy Mysteries. Remember the words of the Lord: do not forbid them, for of such is the Kingdom of God [Luke 18:16]. And: if you do not humble yourself and become like children, you will not enter the Kingdom of Heaven [Matthew 18:3]. Lord Almighty! We thank You for the wonderful, life-giving summer of Your goodness, for the well-timed [early] rains, we hope henceforth, as they are late, for the warmth of the sun, for the rapid, successful growth of all plants, richly nourished from the fatness of the earth, for the wondrous and sweet, health-giving fragrance spreading in the air; We thank You, all-good, life-giving King, for Your countless blessings sent down in a favorable summer. And how many animated creatures appeared in the air, flying merrily in the air and seeming to sing a hymn of praise, joy and gladness to You in their own language, how many birds, how many insects of all kinds, especially these large midges, circling in clouds and tall columns in the air, or sometimes rising up, sometimes falling down and buzzing merrily, celebrating their short existence. By entering into the service of God and putting on the armor of God (sacred garments), I thereby declare war on the devil, the enemy of God, who imagines that the region of earth and air and water is his domain, and not God’s, and who stops me from pronouncing the words of prayer of praise and thanksgiving to God. But may the infinite goodness and truth of God defeat the all-evil and all-evil devil, and may he protect me, weak and sinful, from his intrigues, from his violence, from his confusion and oppression. To decorate your body, you do not spare or spare your treasures, and sometimes you see decorations worth tens of thousands on others - all the more so, to decorate your immortal soul you do not need to spare anything: neither treasures, nor your strength - and, without wasting time, decorate it, like a bride to a groom, in every way: faith, love, humility, kindness, mercy and alms, patience with illnesses, sorrows and adversity, abstinence, purity and chastity, obedience and all sorts of other virtues. For the soul is in the image of God, and God is infinite beauty and a bright, beautiful, incomparable light, for in Him who created such varied and infinite beauty of creatures, what beauty is there not? So, be consistent, man: when decorating the body, do not forget to decorate the soul, or despise the decorations of the body, but take care of decorating the soul: this is temporary and dust, but this one is eternal, for there is a simple spirit, uncomplicated and not subject to destruction. It is the carnal passions that disfigure the soul: impurity, intemperance, greed, passion for the adornment of the body, also pride, malice, anger, envy and the like. After Matins. I thank the Lord for his gracious help during the service of Matins and for his great zeal for the glory of the name of God and the Mother of God and the saints of God, for the living water of the Holy Spirit, which has poured out abundantly into my heart. What confused me at the Great Litany at Matins? Slight tightness of the boot of the right foot, impatience. Because of this, I did not say a prayer for the Most Reverend Metropolitan, the honorable presbytery, the diaconate in Christ, and everything else. But then he rose up and, by the grace of Christ, defeated invisible enemies. Glory to the Lord! My Lord Jesus Christ saved me four times with the life-giving, strong hand in St. Petersburg (May 30), when I was traveling from Vasilyevsky Island with Grigory Fedorovich and Paraskeva Ivanovna Kovrigina (the Lord saved me for inner repentance and intense prayer from secret bitterness towards the old woman Kovrigina for nothing); 2) in Grigory Fedorovich’s apartment (also out of secret malice); 3) in the apartment of Pyotr Dmitrievich (same); 4) in a stagecoach on the way to Novaya Derevnya (the same); Every time the much-merciful and long-suffering Lord accepted my secret repentance and had mercy on me, delivering me from hellish tightness and granting peace, space and freedom with the righteousness of the spirit. Glory to the Lord! On May 27, at four and a half hours and at four and three quarters of an hour, before my departure to the sick woman and upon my return from her, the Lord, by His superior goodness, delivered me from hellish crampedness, fear and heat of heart, when with faith in diligent repentance I fell several times to the holy altar in the chapel of Peter and Paul. Tuesday. I thank the Lord for the success during the service of the Divine Liturgy, for sublime thoughts and feelings, for tears of tenderness, for the non-judgmental communion of the Holy Mysteries, for the stumbling-free service and reading of the prayer behind the pulpit, for the full reprimand (for the second time at the prayer service, and not at the liturgy) of the dismissal appropriate for the holiday and day, for performing the prayer service and baptism baby. The Grechukhins served a prayer service with difficulty, during a difficult struggle with internal enemies. I ate a lot of bread and salt and tea from them. I made a big mistake that, when I came home, I ate meat soup with wheat dumplings in butter, which spoiled myself, for I was already quite full at the Grechukhins’ [...] and ate early with them, not having the need for food, and thus burdened and weakened my spirit and offended the Lord, who had entered into me through holy communion. Oh, from now on let me be careful of satiety in every possible way, especially after communion of the Holy Mysteries. It’s impossible to list how many times I fell into this madness. At Vespers, due to satiety and inactivity, I served with great difficulty: my larynx was clogged, my voice was interrupted (especially because of two glasses of tea, which I drank without thirst). The enemy strongly resisted and deposed me during the great and petitionary litanies, and during the special litanies he fought very hard, slowly pronouncing out prayers. At the Litany of Compline, I also made large omissions. The janitor's prayer service at the real school was served with great difficulty. It was all because of intemperance that he lost grace. They will place bullocks on Your altar [Ps.50:21]. A man who is ignorant of honor is like the foolish cattle and becomes like them [Ps. 48:21]. It is necessary to mortify the old man in oneself, that is, all the carnal passions that have likened man to senseless cattle. The sacrifice of dumb animals, or burnt offering, precisely meant the burnt offering by the grace of the Holy Spirit of all the old, bestial man. There was a strong thunderstorm at four o'clock in the evening: strong thunderclaps with lightning, heavy rain and large hail, wonderfully refreshing the air and all the greenery. Glory and thanksgiving to the Lord, Creator, Provider, and Nourisher of all creatures. (Captain Slukhovsky compared the thunderstorm with my kind, loud, heartfelt service of the liturgy. His words in the church kindergarten.) All is Your grace and mercy, Lord! And we are slaves, truly worthless. Lord Jesus is the all-saving, all-royal name! I thank You, for I do not slumber, but fall asleep, keep me from all iniquity, constantly punishing and having mercy on me, Your indecent servant, and especially from voluptuousness, although You grant me to eat daily for Your glory Your sweet fruits, which Your endless sweetness has grown for us on earth. For everything I thank You, my Most Sweet Jesus, the All-Creator, the All-Provider and the All-Eager, All-Holy, All-Blessed Nourisher of all. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the spirit of hostility and contempt that attacked me yesterday in a meeting of pious women against the God-fearing, all-devoted Juliana, unworthy of God and me, unworthy in her physical appearance, but beautiful in her spiritual, heartfelt, meek and humble appearance. Usually the evil spirit attacks the meek, humble and upright in heart. Complete (church glory) – to complete, to complete, to make perfect, to sanctify. Prayer behind the pulpit at the liturgy. Kindness (church glory) – beauty. Ordinary (Church Glav.) – accustomed. The exclamation of the priest at the Liturgy of the Catechumens. Fortune telling (Church Slavic) – reproach, swearing, blasphemy.