Февраль 1883 г.

Morning. I thank the Lord for the greatest mercies shown yesterday to my poverty and unworthiness during the festive matins and early mass, especially after the unsuccessful reading of the feast according to the action of the devil’s Gospel and during the reading and singing of the canon (with the greatest delight), and especially after the stolen dismissal, with grave embarrassment, after which the Lord, for secret repentance, delivered me from embarrassment, and for deliverance from embarrassment and cramped conditions after the prayer to Christ, the true Light. During the Liturgy, the Lord delivered me from the greatest oppression and embarrassment after the great entrance, after the prayer behind the pulpit and the dismissal, hidden from demonic fear and embarrassment. How many destructive machinations of the enemy! How much salvation of God comes from them! No number! God bless! Curse to the devil and all his minions, absurd, evil, deceitful, dreamy, nasty, ugly, corrupt, envious, and so on and so forth. I thank the Lord for his help at Terentyev’s christening, for his help during the lecture at the House of Diligence. After high school. I thank the Lord for twice during Matins the greatest deliverance from sorrow and oppression, and from the sting of the devil at the beginning of Matins (regarding insufficient alms and grief for the poor and saving my fraternal income of one ruble for the sexton), and for the gift of peace and freedom. At nine o'clock I made the greatest mistake: I ate chicken and eggs with black bread and butter; it was untimely, unnecessarily and served to satiation, which led me to hibernation, to crampedness and paralysis of the heart, to powerlessness and dullness of mind and feeling, to weakness of will, to loss of spirit, so that in the gymnasium I was as if shackled, powerless, wordless, without strength and influence on the students, shamed internally. Terrible. And I was also convinced by bitter experience that where the slightest gluttony and satiety begins, there begins moral impotence and decline, humiliation and shame, darkness and darkness. Oh, this will be the last time! May I never touch food in the morning! Prayer service in the seventh carriage, to the Summer Garden to the left. Towards the night of this day there was (at the beginning of it) a satanic temptation in a dream: as if some girl had become attached to me and was going to kiss me, and I turned away, but movements in the flesh were involuntarily made, and the outpouring of semen almost occurred. I stood up and brought repentance to the Lord, reading prayers against desecration. I thank the Lord for his help in the engagement of his niece with an apprentice hairdresser at Terentyev’s house at eight o’clock in the evening. I read the Gospel and prayers well, with strength and victory over my enemies. After Matins. I thank the Lord for life-giving salvation during Matins and for the beneficial reading and singing of the canon and stichera. O holy elder Simeon and great Isidore of Pelusiot! Pray to God for us! With strong faith, I prayed to the Lord Creator and Provider in the House of Diligence, created in memory of the late sovereign Emperor Alexander II by the wonderful prosperity and mercy of the Lord, may he shower His wonderful bounties on this house and on us, the organizers, and enrich it, so that it will not be in poverty from now on and forever for the sake of poor people, for the sake of the children looked after here, and for the sake of the students in it. I firmly hope that He who gave His Son grants us and Him everything [Rom. 8:32] that we ask for His glory. Wake up! Amen. Evening. Eleven o'clock. I thank the Lord, who has now shown me His wonderful, life-giving mercy in delivering me from the oppression, sorrow and spiritual death that befell me for rage and anger and boldness with my hand against the poor who asked for alms for their needs (I spared it for people who were healthy and able to work, but I willingly gave it to someone possessed by night blindness). I internally brought deep repentance with tears while walking in the yard, and the Lord took away my guilt, forgave, reconciled, consoled, enlightened, affirmed, and when a new oppression befell me through the envy of the enemy, again through my prayer the Lord forgave, reconciled, expanded my heart, rejoiced, and affirmed. During Vespers I prayed for the sexton of Kamenograd, who did not want to glorify in stichera the sufferings of the holy martyr Agathia, contrary to my extreme desire; I prayed that the Lord would soften his heart and make him submissive to me for the glory of God. Four o'clock in the evening. I thank the all-merciful Lord for the speedy, all-beneficent, joyful deliverance from sorrow and crampedness for me in the morning when I came home from Matins, but the Lord gave me up to sorrow and crampedness for my hard-heartedness and unmercifulness towards the poor, with whom I treated harshly and with bitterness, and did not give material alms with pleasure. I thank the Lord, who delivered me a second time from the sorrow and distress and shame that befell me for my stubborn refusal to give alms to two beggars who met me at the gymnasium and followed me along the road. The Lord accepted sincere repentance and had mercy on me - once, twice, and three times. Glory to His mercy and goodness! God! Remember the mayor Peter 94 and his friend Peter [Janish], who oppose You and Your Gospel, and convict them with Divine reproof in their conscience, convict them with their deeds, so that they may know their sins and Your righteous judgments. Remember their pride and pompousness and humble them, as You humbled Haman, Nebuchadnezzar, Belshazzar, Holofernes! Five and three quarters o'clock in the evening. Saturday. I thank the Lord for the sweet singing of the evening stichera and for the prayer service performed without stumbling, freely performed in the Duma by the watchman upstairs; I thank the Lord for the constant salvation of me, who constantly sins and repents of my sins. Oh, if only I didn’t sin at all! Oh, to be perfect and holy, as our Heavenly Father is perfect [Matthew 5:48]! Wake up! Amen. On Friday, February 4, I sinned: I drank too much chocolate, broke my fast without any need, solely on a whim, and got fed up; That’s why I felt heavy that day and the next, on Saturday, and during the all-night vigil I felt especially heavy because of the pain in my left leg and irritability of the nerves; when I read the Gospel, I started poorly, then I read decently, but did not finish it, and it was extremely annoying that the adversary deposed me; while speaking, Christ, the True Light... could not finish and, getting angry, said loudly: “Damn it!” I thank the Lord, who delivered me during the all-night vigil while singing the Sunday troparions. The Council of Angels was surprised... out of grief at Deacon Nicholas for his untimely appearance to speak the small litany before Praise... I thank the Lord, who delivered me from confusion, shame and distress after reading the Gospel of Luke (appearance to two disciples going to Emmaus [Luke 24:13–35]); God’s mercy is especially great for me after the devil’s hesitation and defeat, which he inflicted on me while saying the prayer to Christ, the True Light... and during the prayer service Alex. Al. Murashov. I read the Gospel and calmed down. And the reason for my extreme mental weakness is chocolate on Friday: a delicacy and satiety on the day of the crucifixion and death of the Lord for the world and for me, the accursed; the devil entered into me because of gluttony, this idolatry. I have sinned before the Lord! In addition, I was offended by the archpriest for his remarks in the income book, which slandered me and placed a case on me that was not suitable for me and had never been my case. The banking collapse upset him, and he takes his frustration out on us. He is involved in monetary transactions and interest, but does not do his work as he should, he let him out of his hands, which is why the consistory gave him a reprimand. God! May I not for a moment be a participant in the devil’s malice against my neighbor, who is my brother and Your member and whom You commanded to love as yourself. May I love the rector, Father Pavel, as I love myself, and may I not condemn, reproach or slander him before anyone, as I did yesterday before Fyodor Vasilyev (I called Father Pavel an insensitive stone - I repent of this!). Yes, I submit to him as my boss and senior in age. Remember what the martyrs suffered and endured, what unrighteous words, condemnations, torments for the sake of the love of Christ - and what are you suffering or have endured? A few words of reproof from your closest boss, who is a person like you and is himself in temptation or grief. Forgive him generously, and God will forgive you too. Leave... as we also leave... Love is patient... does not boast, is not proud... is not easily provoked, does not think evil... endures everything... covers everything... never fails [Matthew 6:12; 1 Corinthians 13:4-8]. Please not yourself, not your passions, but God. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me [Gal.2:20]. Morning. I thank the Lord, who accepted my repentance of sins because of Father Paul the rector. I repented, walking around the yard in the morning, and then with tears reading the canons to the Lord Jesus, the Mother of God and the Guardian Angel and the akathist to the Savior. All-evil invisible enemies extremely burned and irritated me and drew me to sin and new confusion, but the Lord delivered me from their snares through tearful prayer. After prayers with Onuchin and Alexey P. Rebrov. I thank the Lord, who gave me, unworthy, the grace to perform prayers peacefully, boldly and without stumbling, especially at Rebrov. Glory to His mercy! Today the Lord Jesus Christ, my good and all-powerful Shepherd, delivered me from great and grave temptations. After mass. God! I thank You for Your abundant grace to me during the Liturgy, which I performed, for the abundant tears of tenderness and for the grace-filled celebration of the Liturgy, for the non-judgmental communion of the Holy Mysteries, for the word of edification that I addressed to Your people, for deliverance from the deadly stings of the devil, stabbed into me through the fear of him while saying absolution, which I stole from embarrassment and fear. I returned peacefully from church. I thank the Lord for delivering me twice at home from the movement of carnal sensuality through the prayer of repentance. After the wedding of policeman Peter and Akilina. Before performing this Sacrament, spirits of evil disturbed my spirit several times with various thoughts and attacks of passion, but I got rid of them through repentance and prayer; Just before the wedding ceremony, the enemies managed to pour out my grief in my heart at the bride for not coming for a long time and forcing us to wait for her, wasting time. But she soon arrived, and I still had bitterness towards her. And the evil demons greatly disturbed me, and I was shaken in spirit and could not have peace for a long time. At the beginning of my marriage, I entered the altar to ask God for forgiveness in embitterment and did not soon receive forgiveness: I continued to be embarrassed, evil spirits outraged me. I asked God for deliverance from grief and asked for long-suffering love, covering everything, not being irritated, loving everyone, never ceasing. I read prayers with the greatest difficulty: the enemy often deposed and captured; I couldn’t quite express my good wishes to the bride and groom, and let me go. I did not read the Gospel at the prayer service. At the end of everything, he was wounded and embarrassed, but, falling to the holy throne in repentance, he received forgiveness and healing. A priest needs extremely and most of all love for everyone; it should be his element, strength, light, decoration. For all the prayers of the Sacraments are the brightest love, imbued with the spirit of the most tender and holy love, zeal for the salvation of all. The priest must be a living organ of love, its bearer and planter in the hearts of people. Yes it will! All our hope, sinners, for pardon and salvation lies in the merits of Jesus Christ, in His Cross and in the prayers of the Most Pure Mother of God and all the saints. It is a great thing that the Lord has honored us to belong to His Church, in which lies true salvation - in its Sacraments, prayers, in its apostolic hierarchy, in the prayers and intercession of the Mother of God, the holy Angels and the council of all saints. Monday. I thank the Lord, who finally gave me complete victory over the adversary-fighter during Matins, during the reading of the canon and the singing of stichera in verse and during the reprimand of the litanies of small, petitionary and supplicative, absolution and prayer to Christ, the Light... During the confession of St. Petersburg John and Jacob, he was confused and oppressed and at home when praying for Matrona, the enemy confused him and did not allow him to speak. I thank the Lord for finding my lost pension book and for the pension itself. Evening. Due to the insincere, formal, vindictive, double-minded, somewhat arrogant greeting to my father, Abbot Paul, during mass before the litany for the dead, I suffered terrible abandonment by God, violence from the devil, who killed my soul. I was in mortal oppression and sorrow, I repented all-powerfully, all-convincingly, whole-heartedly, I denounced and condemned myself mercilessly for pride, malice, disobedience, pride, contempt and disrespect, and finally the immeasurable goodness of God defeated the devil’s malice in me: I got rid of hellish oppression and sorrow; I breathed freely and after that shed rivers of tears of emotion - I wet my hands and handkerchief. Then he performed the entire mass freely, calmly, with boldness, without stumbling, loudly; I said the prayer behind the pulpit and dismissal in full. Love and love must reign in me, meekness, humility, simplicity, kindness, obedience, forbearance, sympathy, prudence, patience and long-suffering. I must respect in every person the image of God, and in Christians - the sonship of God, the sacred union of Christ, the royal priesthood, the holy nation, people taken as His own [1 Pet. 2:9], temples of the Holy Spirit, sons of the resurrection, joint heirs of Christ, children of God by grace, sheep of the flock of Christ, branches of the one vine - Christ, servants of Christ, among whom and I myself have the happiness of belonging. Grant, Lord! Evening. During Vespers, I had many grave temptations, and, I think, because of my intemperance in food: at twelve o’clock in the afternoon I ate caviar with black bread, a pie, two glasses of wine, a piece of cheese at the birthday boy Parthenius (in the half-tower of the western barracks), and at three o’clock at home I had a hearty dinner (soup, meat, roast), having no need; That’s why my heart grew thick, hardened, frozen, and I had to make the greatest effort in my head in order to overcome the spirits of malice and wickedness that rose up against me (at the Great Litany). Moreover, an unpleasant circumstance happened during Vespers: the watchman Procopius lit the stoves in the altar, which did not let out smoke freely; a child went away, which had a heavy effect on my weak nerves: there was an unnatural heat in my body, which resonated painfully in me, and I also became angry with the watchman, I was embarrassed and could not speak the petitionary litany, I spoke with the greatest difficulty; At Compline I could not speak the final litany at all from embarrassment and resentment towards the watchman. But after Vespers - oh, the great mercy of the Lord! When I fell in repentance to the holy throne (in the Peter's chapel), the Lord had mercy and healed, pacified and consoled me. We went to prayer services: in the [personnel] carriage to the Summer Garden - a sick baby; there, because of a Jewish woman who was baptized by me, there was a temptation from an unclean demon during prayer; By the grace of God, he also defeated him, although with difficulty: all because of food, because of intemperance, because of meat, the flesh goes berserk and the soul is confused and tormented by low, shameful passions. Prayer service with Nikolai Vas. The fruiter passed by quite freely and calmly. I showed extreme impatience and irritation during Vespers, feeling the harmful fumes from the furnaces, and extreme sparing of the flesh. Christian love is not irritated - that means I have no love; Christian love despises the flesh and intentionally upsets the feelings of the many-passionate flesh in order to humble it, but I did not and do not do this, but I protect it extremely, please it in everything, but I do not protect the soul, allowing the passions of anger, rancor, resentment, voluptuousness, love of money, etc. to dominate in it. Oh, how honorable is the female class, destined to be the bearer and exponent of the love of the Heavenly Father for the human race and its producer, guardian and protection, nurturing, nourishing, warming, nurturing! May there be glory to the Heavenly Father in the female class! May it be revered with due honor, may it be observed in holiness and honor, may it be protected from all dishonor. During Matins, the struggle with demons is the most persistent, the powerlessness of the heart from saturation with sardines and Provençal oil (for Nikolai Vasilyev the fruit-grower) is extreme, the voice is unclean, intermittent, the irritation from the real and imaginary touch of the sexton on the choir is extreme; I barely overcame the demonic armies with the grace of God. Abstinence is necessary. At the beginning of Matins, he repented with difficulty and tears and, by the grace of God, was delivered from the sorrow, cramped conditions and embarrassment that had befallen him for being irritated with the beggar girl. God's mercy to me, a sinner, is still in darkness today. God bless! During the liturgy, many temptations struck me, especially after the prayer behind the pulpit, during which I stumbled from demonic fear, without uttering the words: You glorify them with Your Divine power... and so on, and: For every gift is good... and so on, and after the dismissal, which could no longer speak from loss of spirit, from embarrassment and crampedness. All this comes from gluttony: it extinguishes and lowers my spirit. The altar watchman Procopius caused a special temptation with a fire in the altar, which occurred from his oversight and negligence: a basket caught fire under hot coal and almost ignited the firewood that was lying right there. I was extremely indignant and infuriated in spirit, and when he came from the proceeds of the candles, I angrily called him anathema and threw at him the spear that was in my hand. For a long time I could not calm down (this was during and after the memorial service in the church), but finally, turning to repentance, I begged the Lord before His Holy Gifts and used them for salvation, peace and freedom of spirit. Glory to the Lord! (Inside I am sick from scrofula.) While serving Vespers, at the beginning I was afraid of the enemy’s fears and thought not to say the great litany or any other one, but in the hope of God I decided to speak, and although the accursed adversary tore out a few words [...], but I was strengthened afterwards by grace and firmly pronounced the petitionary and special litany and dismissal quite loudly, with boldness. Only during the little vacation he relaxed again and stole it, but he begged the Lord about the stumbling block, and He had mercy and pacified the soul. I was afraid to serve the all-night vigil at the home of the headman and the head of Nikitin, but the grace of the Spirit helped me avoid acute temptations and the poisonous remorse of the enemy; only after the sung words: Riches became impoverished and hungry... and so on [Ps. 33:11] the enemy inflicted soul-relaxing wickedness regarding Nikitin with an inner mockery that was almost expressed on his face, as if he, a rich man, became poor and hungry, and I felt so offended and hurt by this wickedness that I began to pray with tears to God to remove this devilish dirty trick from me and granting me simplicity and sincerity, which I received from the Lord after tears. Oh, damned adversary! Why doesn't he bother me? What doesn't it apply? O many-headed serpent with many deadly stings! You are trying in every possible way to destroy me, now with anger and rage, now with covetousness, now with vain intimidation and fear, now with crafty laughter, now with impurity and lust, now with envy and ill will, now with pride and disobedience, and so on and so forth. But the Lord will save me from all your deceit, as He has saved me every day without number from all my great and grave sins, and forever and ever will deliver you from your barking 95 and your destruction, which you have thought up and invented for yourself and in which you find yourself and into which you want to plunge the entire human race. Oh, grant me, Lord, to have pity and love for all people, to have compassion for all people who live and have lived and have to live in this adulterous, evil and sinful world, and to pray for them as for myself, and to wish them deliverance from sins and destruction - and truth and holiness and eternal salvation from the murderous serpent. All saints, pray to God for us. At Nikitin’s home matins, he read the Gospel about righteous Simeon and the meeting of the Lord with Him being accepted into his arms by Simeon, with the grace of the Holy Spirit, slowly, calmly, only at the end he swayed a little from doubt and stole a little from Simeon’s prayer, but with repentance he made up for the mistake. All four sang the Canon of the Presentation with delight, especially the choruses of the eighth song - sweet, sweet; He confused the Gospel of the Blessed Water at the end, and again with tears he begged the Lord for forgiveness; At the water-blessing prayer I missed some expressions out of demonic fear, but the enemy, weakened and himself painfully struck by the Lord with a rod of fire, did not hurt me. I thank the Lord. He served with a precious cross on his chest. What truths, great and salutary, all-joyful ideas are expressed in the daily services of our Orthodox Church? Firstly, the idea of ​​the ever-being of God, or eternity, eternal goodness and love for mankind, truth and holiness, omniscience, omnipotence; secondly, the truth that [everything] was created and governed by the Trinitarian God, that man in the beginning fell into sin, curse and death and passed on the infection of sin with all its consequences to his descendants, that God promised in the beginning to send to earth the Redeemer - His Only Begotten Son and prepared people to accept Him, saved through Him, the believer, in the Old and New Testaments, that at the end of times He came the expected Redeemer and founded His Church, or the society of those being saved, giving it all the Divine powers for life and godliness [2 Pet. 1:3], appointing the apostles and their successors - shepherds and teachers. Commemoration of the Feast of the Presentation. I thank the Lord for the special help shown to me today during Matins for the sake of my early wakefulness and sobriety in prayer and contemplation of God. He spoke the litany well (except for the minor one). During the canon, ethereal enemies stung the soul mortally through impatience and irritation with the sexton Mikhail Al. Bystryakov for carelessly tossing and turning on the choir and touching my robe with his hand; I repented of this and begged the Lord; another case: they sang a great doxology; I come to the altar from the choir to open the royal doors, but the candles on the throne are not lit; Previously, Procopius, the altar watchman, lit it, but now he didn’t light it - he was not there; I was secretly upset with him - and in vain, for lighting candles on the throne of God is the work of clergy, not watchmen. I suffered quite greatly from Belial, with embarrassment and difficulty I spoke the litanies and almost stopped pronouncing the words, fearing the fears of demons, but somehow I spoke, although with shortening and stealing the words. The release was not pronounced completely, not calmly, not firmly, with the names of saints missing. But in the first hour, with the prayer of repentance, I overcame my enemies and the prayer to Christ, the True Light... I said it all and released the entire first hour. Oh, impatience! Oh, my dislike! Love, after all, covers everything, endures everything, is not irritated, does not think evil, is not exalted, is not proud. Love bears each other's burdens, and with joy, and not with grumbling. I thank the Lord, who last Sunday performed a miracle of His mercy through our prayer with the servant of God Matrona, possessed by an evil spirit for eighteen years (they came from St. Petersburg with her husband deliberately to receive grace), for as soon as I began to read the prayer Holy Father, Physician of souls and bodies... in front of the icons in my chapel, the demon threw the unfortunate woman to the floor and began to beat her, writhe, and she began scream and moan heavily under my stole and then lay as if unconscious for some time. I had to go to a prayer service, and I left her in this position in the arms of her husband and the pious elder Paraskeva Ivanovna Kovrigina. Matrona was healed and then after mass she calmly received the Holy Mysteries. Glory to Thee, Lord! Not by her own strength or piety, but only by Your holy name and faith in Your name, this Thy servant Matrona was healed. And now, Lord, you are the same as in the time of the apostles, and [then] you work miracles in the same way in your holy name, who exists and who existed before. I thank the Lord for His help when I served the liturgy and for the non-judgmental communion of the Holy Mysteries, for the unfailing reading of the prayer behind the pulpit and for deliverance from the poisonous remorse and embarrassment of the serpent that was present when saying absolution (temptation on behalf of Strelnikova). While carrying the body of the late Justina, I met Tsedinova, baptized by me, whose father, I don’t know why, was angry with me and cooled the family towards me; I turned my gaze away from the walking maiden with secret indignation, but then I repented in my soul, remembering the words of the Lord: if you love those who love you, what gratitude do you have for that?.. And if you greet only your brothers, what special thing are you doing?.. But you love your enemies and do good... [Matthew 5:47; Luke 6:32,35], - and the Lord had mercy on me, the accursed one. I thank the Lord for his help during my service of Vespers and for my courageous victory over the invisible enemies who fought me. In the evening I visited Evlampia Shlyapnikova, where there was a wanderer, a priest’s wife, and Kronstadt pious widows and married women. I read the “Spiritual Alphabet” by St. Demetrius of Rostov. I thank the Lord for his all-powerful, quick help during the service of Matins, especially with the temptation that occurred at the end of Matins from mental, passionate partiality ([...]), which stung me mortally and destroyed the spiritual, gracious sweetness of the shrine. The Lord accepted my sincere repentance and delivered me from the uncleanness of my heart, from fiery hell in my soul and body, from confusion, from cramped conditions, from the sting of the serpent. He said the prayer to Christ, Light... firmly, but as if emerging from the fire after being freed from temptation. At home in my apartment (office), the Lord again had mercy and delivered me from anger at my family for forcing me to often write notes to teacher Anna Ivanovna Kozlova. The fire of hell was again in my insides, sorrow, tightness, but through repentance the Lord delivered and sent the dew of His mercy and grace into my soul: I suddenly felt light, peaceful and spacious, cheerful. Glory to God, but I am ashamed for not keeping the commandments of meekness and humility, peace and love. Today, both during mass, and especially after mass, during my fall, the Lord revealed His greatest salvation in me: having come home from church, I, in a conversation with my sister-in-law (who was offended by sexton Mikhail Bystryakov because of the trifle that he told her “you” and not “you”...) told her several accusatory words with embarrassment 96 and indignation, and she became angry (“There is anger in you and vain envy,” I said when she denied passions in herself) at me, and a very unpeaceful conversation ensued: I was extremely indignant at the hostility and indignation and walked away from the table, all morally broken; I went to the gymnasium without saying goodbye and, in order to heal my soul, I went into the cathedral and in repentance and secret prayer I venerated the holy altar (in the main church), and the Lord took away my sin and all its harmful consequences, changed my heart from hostile to loving, from stormy to quiet and meek, oppressed to extensive, and granted me all the blessings of salvation. Glory to the Lord! After Vespers, at which I missed the litanies, and after Compline, at which I extremely shortened the litanies out of embarrassment and I was all wounded by Belial, stuttering, - when I venerated the Holy Altar in repentance, I was completely healed again. He served prayers (in Malinovsky’s house and in the outbuilding of the first naval officer corps) with grace and without stumbling. Memory of grandfather Blasius, reader, and mother Theodora. Remember them, Lord, in Your Kingdom and forgive them all their sins. Due to yesterday's gluttony, wine drinking and satiety, today during the service I felt extreme relaxation of the spirit and weakness in the fight against the fighting invisible enemies, who overthrew me the first time with all ease; many times they wounded me and deposed me, but for repentance and through my prayer the Lord raised me up every time, healed me, pacified me, and strengthened me. Yesterday the whole day after mass was spent in gluttony (at home I drank a large cup of tea of broth; at three o’clock I had dinner at the Krasovskys’ after a prayer service, which I served with extreme fear and involuntary abbreviation (for I could not pronounce it because of the homemade broth); then at Malinovsky’s house I drank wine and ate grapes and apples, bergamots, at Matrona’s in the first wing and at Yakov Kalinovich Markov’s. Upon arrival home and through prayer the Lord again healed my soul, wounded by the enemies, and in the house [of Dmitrieva] at the communion of the sick peasant. Glory to God the Savior. Three and a half o'clock in the evening. During mass after the great entrance, when the watchman began to take out the holy cup from the altar cabinet, I was tempted by the demon with reluctance, aversion to serving a prayer service with the blessing of water and also with an akathist, hurrying to the gymnasium; my heart grew cold, deadened, and only through the prayer of repentance and the consciousness that the prayer service with water and akathist was very necessary and useful for me, as for someone who had sinned a lot, I got rid of petrification and inner shame and began to perform the liturgy with a warm feeling; received communion without condemnation. But while reading the prayer behind the pulpit, the enemy again caught me, instilled fear, relaxation and tore out the well-known words from me, and I was all wounded by the demons that entered me with rage; I prayed earnestly in cramped conditions and sorrow and received relief; The prayer service for the blessing of water was served decently, although with embarrassment; I didn’t finish reading the Gospel (the words of the Mother of God), nor did I read the Holy Water Gospel; I didn’t read the Holy Water Prayer; finished in embarrassment and tightness. After the funeral service, I begged the Lord, and He destroyed all the destructive networks of the devil, letting me go in peace. Because of gluttony and satiety, trouble happens to me: my soul dies alive, but abstinence and prayer strengthen it. After Vespers. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the scorching arrows of the serpent after the dismissal of Vespers and especially after the dismissal of Compline; for the sake of many requirements after Vespers, I shortened the service and did not pronounce the litanies (did not pronounce), but through this the enemy caught me and painfully confused me, wounding my soul. After repentance and falling to the throne, I was completely pardoned and baptized the baby Kurta (Adamovich’s successor) without stumbling, loudly. At Britnev’s, before and during the prayer service, the Lord delivered me from extremely grave temptations. God bless! Rarely spoke 97. I thank the Lord for the gracious help against invisible enemies during Matins; Litany at the Midnight Office and at the beginning of Matins he spoke badly about the Tsar, crumpling him; he hesitated during the Great Litany, missed names and words due to demonic violence; on the canon I read only the last small litany; he sang stichera superbly; he spoke the litany of supplication and solemnity rarely, expressively; leave said good; Christ, true Light... sang. I read the prayers for the communion of the laity with a living feeling, the Lutheran joined well. At mass I won great victories through the Lord Jesus Christ, especially after communion and the reading of the prayer behind the pulpit; stole my leave; At the funeral service, he said everything about his release. I thank the Lord for his help in serving the prayer service with the newly affiliated Lutheran; from the Bubnovs for threefold deliverance from voluptuous momentary thoughts and sensations. Let us give ourselves and each other and our whole life to Christ God, having first remembered our Intercessor and Intercessor, the Most Holy, Most Pure, Most Blessed, Glorious Lady, our Mother of God and Ever-Virgin Mary, with all the saints who have completely given themselves to God and from Him are crowned with imperishable glory and praying for us, for we are all members of His body [Eph. 5:30]. God! Grant me the grace to be, at this hour and the next, an instrument of Thy goodness, wisdom, holiness and truth during the celebration of the Sacrament of Marriage. Most good and most pure Creator, Provider and Savior of the human race, now help Your unworthy priest to perform this marriage without stumbling and solemnly. Sunday (of the Prodigal Son). God! Forgive my great sin. During early mass at the first appearance of the Holy Gifts to the people, when women-mothers and strangers brought babies to communion, I, out of my voluptuousness and the coarseness of my heart, accustomed to all passions and inexperienced in the love of the Gospel, was indignant at those who brought and at the children themselves, that some often offer, while others are brought to communion of the Holy Mysteries, while I myself, unworthy, receive communion every day, I, a glutton, an idolater, for to me God is the belly [Phil.3:19]. I should have rejoiced that children were communing with me, and, moreover, children who knew and loved me, but at the instigation of the devil I developed hostility towards them and for this I was deeply indignant in spirit, that is, for hostility, I fell into fear, crampedness, powerlessness of heart, and was completely overcome 98! Oh, my damnation! Until now I have not acquired love, I do not have compassion, not to mention the depth of this feeling, which would never be shaken by anything. Meanwhile, how many tears were shed today both at home in the morning during the reading of the canons and akathists (canon and akathist to the Sweetest Jesus, akathist to the Mother of God, canon to the Guardian Angel), and in church during matins and especially mass! It would seem that I needed to be strengthened by grace, especially after communion of the Holy Mysteries, but it turned out - no, a cunning and subtle enemy suddenly brought me down terribly, put me to shame, killed me with one breath, for the heart of a glutton is very conveniently susceptible to the influence of evil spirits! It is only for myself that I must cry and, after all such disastrous incidents, constantly be jealous of abstinence and the acquisition of deep, unhypocritical, undying love. Even during Matins, the enemy twice shook my heart with anger - against the abbot and against [someone else] and Kovrigina, but I immediately reflected this feeling of hostility with secret repentance. And I prayed to the Lord that I might sincerely love everyone, even my enemies or those who seem to be such through the actions of the enemy. Oh, may I love everyone from now on, may I utter words of prayer, praise, and thanksgiving to the Lord, despising the enemies’ deceit. God! Help and approve! I thank the Lord - the Lord who delivered me after mass from the enemy storm and gave me peace. He spoke the word about the prodigal son, despite the fierce storm of the murderous enemy. I didn’t even read half of the prayer behind the pulpit due to the strong storm of the devil and confusion and cramped conditions. It was extremely shameful and painful to experience such a defeat from the enemy - and when? - after communion of the Holy Mysteries, when it would be necessary to overcome all temptations (at Alexei Makarovich Podryadchikov’s name day and at Evgenia Andreevna Voronina’s). At Matins, with a triumphant, joyful spirit, I sang the stichera on “Lord, I cried,” on the stichera and on the praises, and read the Sunday canons and about the prodigal son. The enemy gnashed his teeth at me and caught me, damned one. Three o'clock in the evening. I thank the Lord for his help during the prayer service with Alex. V. Kudryavtsev, for I prayed to the Lord for help when I was depressed by evil and crafty demons through fear and embarrassment, insincerity and persistent reluctance to do good, both for myself and for poor people (he is rich). O Lord, grant me the grace to sincerely wish good to everyone: the rich and the poor, the strong and noble and the weak and simple - and not look at their faces; grant to have love for everyone, as for brothers and fellow members and as for Your members: the rich, as those standing on a more slippery path, have even more need for prayer for them, and they bring great benefit to society with their capital and commercial enterprises; It would be bad without rich people in the world: from them many poor people have their livelihood. I thank the Lord, who gave me the grace of spiritual peace before the celebration of the Sacrament of Marriage (at eight and a half o'clock in the evening), although during the celebration itself I hesitated from the fearful pity of the new kamilavka, so that the melted wax from the chandelier hanging in the ceiling would not fall on it (it was not at all above me, but I moved the lectern back), and read the prayers with great difficulty, but could not do the hymns at all reprimand after the prayers immediately following; I didn’t finish reading the prayers, skipped others completely (at the end), didn’t finish reading the Gospel, and all out of a feeling of some kind of false shame and fear of the devil, humiliating and disastrous for me; I was a captive of crafty, arrogant, all-evil, all-mocking demons. After the Marriage, I also did not read the Gospels at the prayer service for fear of enemy obstacles. After all this (at the end of the wedding and prayer service) I begged the Lord to forgive my weakness, for all my desire was to perform the wedding without stumbling, but my sins did not allow me to do that, for I am gluttonous, vain, inexperienced in the love and fear of God and obsessed with the fear of demons and humans. I thank the Lord, who performed in me the miracle of His salvation, the miracle of His goodness and mercy at the fourth hour of midnight (evening), when I fell to Him with sincere repentance for my hard-heartedness and anger towards the youth Golovlev, who came to me to ask for a lot of money; I gave him twenty kopecks, and he said: not enough; I angrily tore his hair out and zealously escorted him down the stairs. What crampedness, grief, confusion I felt after that! Through prayer, the Lord delivered us from all troubles and gave us peace and silence in an instant. I thank the Lord, who showed me His help through my secret prayer at the holy throne before the marriage of N. Korshunov and Maria Machigina and after the wedding, during which invisible enemies deposed me ten times or more, trampled on me, not allowing me, through fear, to pronounce hymns or the end of prayers, the Gospel, dismissal, well-wishes or blessings. I thank the Lord for deliverance from all the machinations of the enemy at the end of the wedding, after falling to the holy throne with prayer. My enemy says, I have strengthened myself against him [Ps. 12:5] because of gluttony. I thank the Lord for his help during a grave temptation in the apartment of Lyubov Nazarovna and Anna Gordeevna: in front of those gathered for the funeral service, I was embarrassed and could not speak because of hostility towards the orphan, an officer’s daughter, who seemed unsuited to society. I sinned with hostility and partiality. I thank the Lord for serving the Liturgy in the Assumption Church at nine and a half o’clock for the servant of God Zinaida Iv. according to Savelia, her husband. He served Mass with the grace of God with feeling and tears before and after the Sacrament. But at the end of the liturgy, precisely while the sexton was singing the dogmatics instead of the sacrament, he secretly became embittered with him and lost peace and freedom of spirit just because he rearranged the words in the dogmatics; As soon as I got rid of the disastrous grief through intense repentance and reasoning, I read the entire prayer behind the pulpit with great effort and said the whole dismissal. What impatience! What dislike! What depravity of the heart! What attachment to the letter, and not to the spirit - to the spirit of holiness, truth, love, patience, humility. I thank the most merciful Lord for His sweet mercy poured out on me during Matins through the prayer of my repentance (in voluptuousness and hardness of heart), and for deliverance from sorrow and distress. Oh, how merciful and obedient You are, Master! I thank the Lord for his help during the service of the prayer service (in [...] the bakery) on an empty stomach. It was so free, easy, peaceful; but then after the prayer service they offered a treat (at ten o’clock in the morning): white bread with caviar, grapes, tea, wine, and although I tasted little, since in the morning there was no need to eat, this also burdened me somewhat, and another prayer service - with the watchmaker Norbek - I served with obstacles that I overcame only with a secret repentant prayer; This is also how I served a prayer service at V. Gordeev’s, although it was easier there. At the end of the communion service for Anna’s child, the enemy confused and wounded me, but at the end of everything I fell to the Lord before the holy icons with a prayer of repentance and faith, and the Lord now sent me His salvation. I thank the Lord for delivering me from the devil’s torturous snare before the wedding and for helping me with the wedding of Alexei and Maria (ordinary people); The marriage was accomplished without stumbling: all the prayers, including praises, were pronounced clearly, completely. Glory to the Victorious God! My Lady, Most Holy Theotokos! I call on You as my dear Mother, not only as Queen and Lady, for You are truly dear to me according to the Flesh and Blood of Your Son; only grant, I pray to You, to be akin to me in truth and holiness, with which You have surpassed every rational creature. Do not leave me, Mother of God and mine by grace! - Where am I without You and what am I without You? Thought waves will swallow me up, betray me to eternal death, but You, O Mother of God, deliver me from them, who mercilessly seek my destruction. I thank the Lord for his help during the service of Matins, that is, during the reading and singing of the canon and stichera. At ten o'clock in the morning a prayer service was served on the mountain at the rag picker Markelov Fedor and Olga (wife). The adversary knocked me off my feet, didn’t let me say much, but I didn’t repeat what I had missed, and powerlessness, weakness, infirmity, and fear of the heart went on and on. The boldness is gone. The voice, I don’t know why, was unclean and rattling both during Matins and at the prayer service. Is it from the tea? But I also drank wine, and it strengthens me. I thank the Lord for his good obedience during my service of two more prayer services (in the house of Gerasim Murashov and Yegor V. Gorbunov) and the unfaltering flow of prayer throughout, before which I prayed to the Lady to correct our prayer, like a censer before God. I thank the Lord for his help in reading and singing during Matins and for the tears of tenderness when I served the funeral liturgy for Filimon (Ratmanov’s son-in-law) in the Assumption Church and especially for the sovereign deliverance from the temptation of demons that befell me for my dislike and gluttony during the communion of the Holy Mysteries of the infant Nicholas (Markov) and the girl (Martha’s daughter Mikhail). I should rejoice that I am not the only one receiving communion, but also the children, but I was indignant and even secretly embittered towards the girl because of the devil’s tun. Oh, my rough heart, alien to the love of Christ! [Oh, pillar of] self-love, voluptuousness, greed, pride, malice, envy, hostility, partiality, contemplation, contempt, laziness, negligence, cowardice, fear, false shame, impatience, hard-heartedness, guile, irritability and other countless passions! But glory to Your invincible mercy! For You deliver me for sincere repentance from all my sins and iniquities! And for the sake of Your name and for the sake of my repentance, You delivered me from the devil’s malice at the end of mass! And now, again, he delivered me from the devil’s malice and the murderous resistance of the devil in my heart while reading prayers before communion for the sick old woman [Evil Anna]: for my drowsiness and gluttony (sweet tea for fullness and salmon) at twelve o’clock in the afternoon (I slept from ten to eleven) the enemy completely overpowered me with his malice. Thoughts during the liturgy in the Assumption Church. What intercession, mediation (between God and people) is entrusted to the priest, what intercession, what service to such great Sacraments - rebirth, renewal, deification in the Sacraments of Baptism, Confirmation and especially Communion of the Holy Mysteries of Christ! What heavenly, terrible Divine Mysteries were entrusted to him! Pasturing what and how many verbal sheep and with what blood redeemed! To what an unattainable height is the priest who performs the adoring Sacraments placed! What spiritual fire does he bring down to the holy throne and to the Holy Mysteries! For many thousands of years the world has been waiting for the infinitely great mystery of the appearance of God in the flesh, many kings and prophets wanted to see what you see, and hear, and taste - and they did not see, did not hear. After the all-night vigil. I thank the Lord, both at the beginning and throughout the all-night vigil, who showed me His help and mercy, giving me peace, tears of tenderness, life-giving contemplation, victory over struggling invisible enemies. While praying to Christ, the true Light..., the enemy cut me off; I was in pain, I was greatly annoyed, ashamed of myself, but I fell in the hope of my soul to the holy throne, and the Lord delivered me from all the troubles and snares of the enemy. The watchman Arkhip served a prayer service without stumbling, and here God’s help was obvious. I was touched by the thought of the unity of the heavenly and earthly Church, expressed in the exclamation: Our Most Holy, Most Pure, Most Blessed, Glorious Lady Theotokos and Ever-Virgin Mary with all the saints, remembering ourselves and each other, and our whole life to Christ God: our whole life with all sorrows, sorrows, joys, deprivations, persecutions, troubles and misfortunes, untruths human temptations, illnesses, labors. On the evening of February 18, the Lord performed a miracle of His salvation on me through my secret prayer, quickly, like lightning, in His name. Pavel Ivanov, who is in poverty from an unrighteous general, remember and deliver, Lord, from poverty. Love, bearing the burdens of its neighbors, rejoices that others rest on its labors and receive the satisfaction of life, while self-love, self-indulgence, and dislike grumble and are burdened, despondent that others do not work and receive the same or more than what the worker receives. Christian love looks at all people, at all things and deeds in relation to the future eternal life and rejoices that it collects [...] a stock of good deeds, and does not grieve over its labors. On February 19, from four to five o'clock in the evening, the Lord delivered me three times from hellish torment: once before the beginning of Vespers (after ruffling the ears of a beggar boy in anger), when I touched the Holy Altar in repentance, and in the hotel room of Kudryavtsev with Ekim Semyon, and Paraskeva Nikolaev, (from St. Petersburg). With great difficulty and nervous irritation from the night’s desecration, I celebrated late mass in the Assumption Church. He was far from finishing the prayer behind the pulpit; we must abound in hope and boldness; I am extremely insufficient, I am timid, I skip prayer, litanies, and exclamations out of fear. Received life-giving communion. He spoke a lesson. Today I received a notice that my nomination to the Order of St. Anne of the second degree was rejected due to the recent receipt of a parish award - a precious cross and a small amount from the Synod of Awards 1:20. May the will of the Lord be done. The Lord Himself is my reward always, daily, hourly, every minute. I have many of the awards that I have. Yes, I seek the honors of a heavenly title, but let me be indifferent to earthly distinctions. During the late mass in the Assumption Church before the Cherubic Hymn, there was a strong excitement in me at the appearance of Fyodor Nikolaevich Levashov, who wanted to go with a mug to guardianship and whom the elder did not allow. But, thank God, the Lord arranged everything in an amicable way: the headman allowed it, and the Lord pacified me through secret prayer. Monday. I thank the Lord, who performed the greatest mercy on me during Matins at the end of the Six Psalms (a struggle from the very beginning of Matins) in delivering me from the tormenting worm of ambition and vanity, which was gnawing at my heart over the regret of refusing me the award of the Order of St. Anne of the second degree. Oh, what madness to desire more external distinction! How long will we chase after appearances, because of which we do not care so much about the inner, about the only thing we need - about love for God and neighbor, about zeal for the glory of the name of God, about righteousness and truth, about meekness, gentleness, humility, abstinence, purity, hard work, about prayer, spiritual meditation and contemplation, about future eternal glory? I thank the Lord, who, through long languor and prayer of repentance and falling to the holy throne, delivered me from painful, poisonous sorrow and gave me Himself, Him, my God, peace, freedom, mental health, light, strength, boldness; but with what zeal, with what divine zeal I read the canons from the Menaion, Octoechos and the Lenten Triodion! I was like a fiery angel; however, sin, no, no, will smolder and scald the soul for a moment! But the Lord soon saved! God bless! You, Lord, - we often respond to the cry of a deacon or priest, but in fact, do we surrender ourselves entirely to the Lord, soul and body, ourselves and each other and our whole belly? One must sincerely respond or express agreement to the words of a clergyman or, better yet, the Church, and not flatteringly, 99 not feignedly, not deceitfully and mechanically. Understand the same about the exclamations: Woe is our heart... We give thanks to the Lord... and others. Yesterday, February 20, after a lecture in the House of Diligence, in the apartment of Mikhail Efimovich and Evdokia Agafonovna (Elisaveta Agafon.) The Lord, through secret prayer, performed great mercy on me, reflecting the devil’s malice from my heart against the gathered lambs and lambs of Christ, and I calmed down in my heart. Glory to Thee, Lord, my vital, all-good treasure! Glory to You, the source of life, holiness, truth, goodness, incorruptibility, eternal life, light, strength, glory, beauty, sweetness, peace, freedom, boldness, all dignity. Wednesday. I thank the Lord for the greatest salvation that was revealed to me in my great spiritual trouble during Matins through my earnest prayer of repentance and after falling to the Holy Altar (in the chapel of Peter and Paul). The enemy became despondent over the refusal of the consistory and the metropolitan to reward me with the Order of St. Anne of the second degree. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the all-destructive sting of the enemy, which wounded and killed my soul, depriving me of peace, freedom, light and strength. I thank the Lord, who has given me peace, freedom, boldness, light, life and strength. He who loves the world does not have the love of the Father. For all that is in the world is the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life [1 John 2:15-16]. I need to look for one thing in need - the love of God, the salvation of my soul and the souls of my neighbors; away from self-love, the search for one’s own gain, benefit, honor, glory, pleasures, and the thirst for the glory of God, the salvation of human souls perishing in sins and sorrows, in troubles and hardships, in poverty and in wealth; May love for God and for the Divine principle within us always burn in my heart, that is, for the soul and for the souls of all people, especially those close to the faith. Here is my food and drink, my honor and glory, my light and strength! O God of my heart, my life treasure, my breath, the light of my eyes, my strength, my glory, my beauty! Glory to You be in me and in all creatures forever and ever. Wake up! Yesterday, the twenty-second, and the third day, Pelageya Sergeevna Kapustina and her niece from St. Petersburg, the pious wife of the rich merchant Ivan Ivanovich, visited me and confessed to me. Today, Andrei Mikhailovich’s wife, Maria Alexandrovna, a kind and pious woman, is with Alexandra Vasilievna and another young woman, whose husband, Grigory Ambr., lives dissolutely. Thursday. Early mass in the Assumption Church (for Father Klepachevsky - I’m at the later ones). I thank the Lord for the miracle of reviving me, killed by voluptuousness. At a time when I felt in myself the impoverishment of grace, the powerlessness of the heart, the shame of sin, poverty, damnation, poverty, blindness, nakedness and repented and mourned, suddenly the Lord visited me with His mercy, pouring out living streams of grace into my heart, so that I was honored to receive life-giving communion of the Holy Mysteries, but performed the Sacrament with a cold and powerless heart. I read the entire prayer behind the pulpit; at the funeral service he stole the release, without uttering the secret of the resurrection and the sweetest name of Jesus Christ, His Most Pure Mother and the glorious and all-praised apostle saints, the holy glorious and victorious martyrs, the reverend and God-bearing fathers and all the saints, and for this he suffered from the adversary the devil and only for tears of repentance was he delivered by the Lord from confusion, oppression, fire, torment and received peace. While serving a memorial service for Anna Gerasimovna, I confused the first litany, but performed the second and the entire end of the memorial service correctly. I thank the Lord, the Helper of the Almighty. If you forgive people their sins, then your Heavenly Father will also forgive you, and if you do not forgive people their sins, then your Father will not forgive you your sins [Matthew 6:14–15]. If we are children by the grace of the Heavenly Father and have received forgiveness of all our debts or sins in Holy Baptism and again repeatedly receive forgiveness of them in the mystery of Repentance for the sake of the infinitely great merits of Jesus Christ, who suffered and died for us, then clearly we ourselves must forgive our neighbors, in which they have sinned and are sinning against us, for we must become like the goodness, mercy, kindness and long-suffering of the Heavenly Father. What kind of children of God are we if we are angry and vindictive, implacable, hostile? Rather, we will then be children of the devil. Moreover, the sins forgiven to us by the Heavenly Father in Christ and for the sake of Christ are great and countless, and the sins of our neighbors against us are very limited and unimportant, far from being the same as ours against God - how can we not forgive them for the sake of God, who commanded us to forgive? How can you not prove before Him your obedience, your gratitude, your gratitude, your love, your readiness and zeal to fulfill His all-good will? How can one not give thanks for the gift of adoption, for the gift of redemption, for the gift of communion with the Flesh and Blood of His Only Begotten Son, for the gift of forgiveness, for the gift of sanctification, for the gift of incorruptibility and immortality, for the gift of the future eternal inheritance of a blessed life? What could be greater than these gifts of God to us? And what can we repay for them? Nothing but feasible love and obedience to His commandments. Friday of Cheese Week. The Lord showed me two greatest salvations, delivering me from hellish oppression and sorrow during Matins and after Matins upon arriving home: both times - after a fervent repentant prayer for forgiveness of my hard-heartedness and anger at the poor. Evening. I thank the Lord, who showed me great deliverance in the apartment of Mikhail Efimov (sailor) before the beginning of the prayer service: I was confused and oppressed in my soul because of grief about the refusal of me by the consistory and the metropolitan to reward me for this year (what trifles [occupies]) and because of grief at my sister-in-law and wife for stealing from me the canvas given to me by Jacob Filippovich. At home, I was tempted by one dangerous courtesy and poured out seeds against my aspirations and desires. I have sinned against the Lord! Away with friendship for the voluptuous flesh, which destroys the soul and removes it from God. Four o'clock in the morning. The Lord, the merciful lover of mankind, showed me indescribable mercy, destroying, through long-term secret repentance, the adulterous delusion that had overwhelmed me since the evening. I thank the Lord, who called me at night to the sick Alexandra Alex. [...] and gave an opportunity to cry over himself and over her and over their children. Because of the delusion that gripped my loins and generally my insides, I was not myself, a captive, a slave for the sake of the devilish serpent entwined in my womb; I could not sympathize with the grief and groaning, crying of children and husband - I was rather ready to enjoy the spectacle of the beautiful forms of the body of a sick, noble and beautiful woman, around whom Doctor Favorsky was fiddling and rubbing with alcohol (the patient had a rush of blood to the brain). I now turned away from the patient, who was unconscious, turned to the icon of the Savior, near which the lamp glowed, and began to mourn my sins, my sinful captivity, my hellish bonds with which I was bound; Meanwhile, the children kept crying and sobbing - a sight worthy of tears, but I, pathetic, had to cry bitterly for myself, and the charm that alienated me from God and His grace remained in me, and I melted in it. But finally the Lord accepted my tears and relieved me somewhat from delusion; the patient woke up somewhat and, in response to my question about communion, expressed a desire, and I, taking advantage of the moments of consciousness, gave her communion. But the violent delusion did not leave me, I [turned prostrate] and kept repenting and begging the Lord for mercy, and already in the courtyard of the church house, where I continued to repent and beg the Lord for mercy, the Lord created power in His name, when I, with strong faith and hope, cried out to Him for salvation as God and the Savior almighty and omnipresent and all-saving, and He took away me from the snares of the enemy: I have become free - and for that I glorify the Lord. Ten and three quarters in the morning. I thank the Lord, who performed a miracle of mercy on me when I served the early liturgy in the Assumption Church, who conquered in me the delusion of fornication and the violence of voluptuousness and made me worthy to partake without condemnation of the Divine Mysteries, with which I was revived, being unworthy of their communion. From now on, O Lord, may I be wounded by the sting of the one Divine, perfect, most pure love of Thy, and may I love the only holiness and truth, purity and chastity, and may I flee everything that leads to carnal love; away from friendship with sin-loving flesh, your own and others. God! Thou hast created every creature in a beautiful, holy, and wise way, but especially man, and in this beauty grant me always to see Your eternal, pure, incorruptible beauty and to look purely and simply at the created beauty, so that I may not offend Your holiness and the holiness of Your works, and [not] despise in any way the works of Your wisdom and You, the Creator of every creature. Amen. Sunday. I thank the Lord for the gift of my performing Matins and the early liturgy in the cathedral, and for the sweet singing of the stichera on “Lord, I cried,” on the stichera, and on the praises, and the canons of the Octoechos and Triodion (expulsion from paradise), and for the celebration of the Sacrament of Communion, and for the communion itself. Before the celebration of the Sacrament, I was shaken, upset by the roughness of the covers on the chalice and paten, I was embarrassed at the most important moments and barely calmed down. I read the prayer behind the pulpit with extreme timidity from demonic fear, and crumpled up the release. In the end, the goodness of God defeated all the machinations of the enemy in me, and I calmed down. Monday. I thank the Lord for the threefold deliverance of my weakness during Matins (the first Lenten) from the deadly oppression of the enemy, from the deadly sting of Satan (grief at the coldness and indifference in greeting the rector Father Paul and [...] during his service). I humbled myself, repented, considered myself worthy of all condemnation, and my brother and superior - condescension, and the Lord delivered me from the death of sin that pinched my soul. At home, the Lord has now delivered me from the oppression of the enemy. I thank the Lord for help against ethereal enemies and deliverance from their stings when reading prayers to mothers in labor and naming babies (Evdokia and Vasily) in the house of Afan. Le Havre and Vasiliev. (near the Summer Garden). The disembodied villains did not allow the usual praises of the Holy Trinity to be uttered, which is extremely painful and insulting given the heartfelt desire to constantly glorify everything that created and preserves and saves the Trinity. Woe to me with my family, with their disrespect and inattention to church decrees, with their constant delicacy, with their outrages in everyday life: constant jokes, amusements, laughter with the children Rufina and Elizabeth, with cats and a dog, with their laziness for prayer at home and in public (they go to church five or six times a year) - God is their judge! What answer will they give for themselves and for their children? They want to reign and really reign, fulfilling all their whims and desires, and even Anna’s sister-in-law dares to passionately desire to win two hundred thousand in order to fulfill all her stupid desires! When will this disgrace end? When will they stop making jokes with life and in my eyes? And how they raise children! Oh, horror! There is no respect for the statutes of the Church! They themselves do not even observe fasting and their children are taught the same: in the first week of Lent they eat cheese and eggs, not to mention caviar and fish. Who will bring them sense? They don't listen to me. Teach, enlighten me, Lord, how I can enlighten them, so as not to be held accountable for them, because my labor rubles live with me. They live by your kindness and gifts. Woe is me with them! Woe even when they want to please me at the table, for they are ready to feed me meat during Lent. Oh, that they would love You, Lord! Oh, if you would go to church with love and delve into the services, reading and singing, if you would feed on this sweetness of God! March 1, 1883. Will my pupil and nieces, nurtured and milked 101 on my bread and grub, milk, eggs, meats and oils and all sorts of delicacies, pray for me after death, when they do not learn and, perhaps, will not learn to pray for themselves, not only for others, even for their mother? What is the fruit from them? What gratitude, what reciprocity? God! It is not for me - You are the one to judge the king, and You are placing Your judgment on him throughout the entire universe, a terrible, terrible judgment that has struck the whole world! How dare we still interfere with Your judgments with our short-sighted, sinful judgments, we, burdened with iniquities?! How do we dare? How can we not humble ourselves, dust and ashes, raised by You from rags, from rot, from huts and squalor? Yesterday I ate tea with molasses and pasta with sugar, and sweets extremely bothered me in my reproductive parts. Do not eat molasses or drink sweets. Woe to me from sweet cranberry jelly and from onions with butter: they are extremely at war in the reproductive members, they produce strong voluptuousness, they bind all the members and the larynx, they take away the voice, they do not allow them to sing, even speak and read. It’s better to eat quick soup than jelly. Military governor of Kronstadt, Adjutant General, Admiral Pyotr Vasilyevich Kazakevich (1816–1887), who held this position from November 1871 to November 1883. Barking (Church Glav.) – machinations, deceit. Confusion (Church Glav.) – anxiety, indignation, shock. Obuyati (Church Glav.) – to lose meaning, to go mad. Flattering (church glory) - deceitful, insidious. Lepota (church glory) – beauty, power. Milking (Church Slavic) – feeding with milk.