Март 1883 г.

Tuesday. I thank the Lord for tears of repentance and tenderness and for forgiveness of the sins of hard-heartedness and stinginess towards the poor, for grace-filled peace and boldness, to which there was extreme loss of spirit. God! How many enemy networks! Who will escape them? Eight and a quarter o'clock in the morning. I thank the Lord for twice delivering me from the soul-dead wiles of the enemy during the prayer service and after the prayer service in the wing of Lyubov Petrovna Estafieva at the dressmaker Evdokia. I shed tears before the Lord about the constant insults and persecutions from the adversary the devil. With ferocity, frenzy, constancy, the adversary persecutes me at every time and at every hour, in every place with various passions, misfortunes, sorrows, troubles, confusion, fear, punctuation, dumbness and voicelessness, mental strangulation, release of prayer, especially frequently repeated prayers, hymns, litanies. God! Help me against his [all] dirty tricks and, of course, completely overcome him, the slanderer, the flatterer, the slanderer, the blasphemer, the all-foul and all-defiling. The adversary is persecuting me, persecuting me terribly. But on the other hand, the Lord also reveals His unceasing powers in me, His mercy, His mercies, His glory. Glory to Thee, Lord! Grant me, Lord, to trample with my heart the ephemeral glory of the earth, which passes away like steam and smoke, which does not give life, peace and joy to the heart, but deprives it of these blessings and from You, the Source of life and true glory, peace, joy and bliss, disgusting (over the languid regret about the refusal of the order to which I was presented, and its desire). After these heartfelt words, I completely calmed down in God. “So in God is the rest of my soul,” speak to the psalmist [Ps.61]. I thank the Lord for his help during the funeral service for Emperor Alexander II in the House of Diligence named after him. Wednesday of the First Week of Lent. I thank the Lord for the gift of knowledge of my infirmities and especially dislike and annoyance with the rector, Father Pavel Trachevsky, for his kind of divination 102 over the divine service, serving for himself, and not for God and the people, under his breath, indistinctly, monotonously, although he was not like this yesterday or the next day, but from the very beginning, already twenty-six years ago, since he settled in Kronstadt (I didn’t know him before, but, probably served the same way). Love covers everything, [all] the infirmities and shortcomings of my neighbor, but I did not cover, but I am embittered because of them, I despise them, as if evil can destroy a deficiency or sin: it is destroyed by fervent prayer from a loving heart. I thank the Lord, who changed my heart from malice to meekness, humility and all-covering love, condescending to weaknesses. I thank the Lord for deliverance from the deadly, scorching stings of demons that plagued me, and for the dew of grace. God! Illuminate our hearts, mine and Abbot Paul’s, so that we may recognize our weaknesses and may we always serve You with love and fear, sincerely, ardently, with constant contrition of heart, with tears of repentance. For this deadly coldness, insensibility and immobility of the heart towards tenderness, towards repentance, towards compassion, towards reciprocity - amazes me. I thank the Lord for the gift of healing and mental health, peace, boldness, although not suddenly, but as I read the canons and entered into the spirit of what was read and sung, but from the beginning there was weakness, fear of the heart, powerlessness, fear, bondage, devilish embitterment and despondency. Above all, one must always be abundant in love, which endures and covers everything, is merciful, and does not get irritated. After Matins. I thank the Lord for the great deliverance during Matins, for his help during the service of the prayer service and after [...] communion with Maria Filippovna Kovina; I thank the Lord for the great deliverance in the church after the parting words of the mother of Fyodor Stepanovich Gerasimov, which I accomplished with the greatest difficulty and obstacles; I thank the Lord for the greatest help and deliverance in the twentieth apartment of the Karpov house before reading a prayer to the mother in labor, before which I was in [great] temptation and cramped conditions; I thank the Lord for help and deliverance in the house of Evlampia Petrovna. I thank the Lord for the quick and wondrous deliverance from (Anna Gerasimovna’s) adulterous feelings and thoughts upon my arrival home and prayer of repentance at ten o’clock in the evening. Sincere, warm repentance is a perfect forgiveness from the Lord. If we confess our sins, then He, being faithful and righteous, will forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness [1 John 1:9]. Friday of Holy Lent (First week). Today will appear the majestic and wondrous triumph of God’s mercy over repentant Christians - forgiveness of sins for the sake of the blood shed on the Cross of the Lamb of God, our Lord Jesus Christ. Glory to His mercy! But [only] those who sincerely repent of their sins and have a firm intention to correct their hearts and their lives. The whole law is in love. You are loved by God - love both God and your neighbor, who is the image - God. Love righteousness and hate iniquity [Ps.44:8]. After confession in the first week of Lent. 265 people. I thank the Lord for repeatedly delivering me from the wiles of the devil during confession while saying the prayer of permission and for not getting tired of confession. I felt cheerful, as usual. I thank the Lord for granting tearful tenderness during the reading of the canon to the Angels and all the saints. In carnal voluptuousness there is poison, death, ultimate relaxation, destruction of the soul, falling away from God. Fear this deadly poison, man! God is your only sweetness. During the confession of spiritual children, my heart was not with them, but with myself, and not with God - oh, damnation! - and again with himself and with money, so that, having begun, he would finish sooner, reaping a richer harvest. Where is the love for people, for immortal souls, redeemed by the invaluable blood of the Son of God? Where is the loving concern for their salvation, for their correction? Coldness, callousness in my soul; I barely uttered the prayer of permission; the enemy blatantly interfered every now and then. My heart constantly doubled. I condemn myself mercilessly and ask the Lord for forgiveness and sincere love for all Orthodox and non-Orthodox Christians, for all people, purification of the heart, love for truth, aversion from untruth, but not from unrighteous people. During confession, our love for God and our neighbors is tested, as if on a whetstone; our pride, our passion for earthly things, turns out to be, and not our love for the spiritual, the heavenly, the eternal. He also confessed the Saltykovs and Korolkova to Nadezhda with a divided, cold, weakened heart from Veliar, so that he could not fully utter the prayers before confession, or the prayer of permission: the enemy bound me with his ropes; I then begged the Lord to resolve these problems out of His infinite mercy. The week of deprivation of the Holy Mysteries was a great loss for me - a loss of grace and spiritual mortification: the enemies were right there. What would have happened if I had not received communion for a month, two or three? What happens to those who are deprived of the Holy Mysteries of Christ for years? Truly, they do not have spiritual life or grace in themselves. Oh, what a pity! Oh, woe! Oh, trouble! Deliver me, Lord, from demonic fears when reading the prayer behind the pulpit and dismissal; give the strength to speak calmly and freely, with boldness, everything that needs to be said; I ask this as a great gift, although I do not deserve it due to my sinfulness, due to my passion. I want to be without blemish in my ministry. Mother of God! Help me overcome the ethereal enemies who constantly fight me. Holy Martyr Konon the Gradar, on Friday of the First Week of Lent - Great Martyr Theodore Tiron. I thank the Lord for his help and great mercy during my service of early mass and the communion of the laity, numbering up to five hundred (the rector helped in the chapel of the Intercession). He was upset at the watchman for the robe with the lining coming loose, but he overcame his grief by the grace of God; another time against Father Paul for an authoritative, somewhat stern remark regarding the Holy Gifts (I wanted to pour the most pure Blood into another cup, but he said - it’s too early). He received communion well, said the prayers well, but he could not read the prayer behind the pulpit - the enemy did not give it, he deprived him of strength, energy, and then, allowing the laymen to kiss the cross, he read the prayer behind the pulpit five times and all the leave that he had stolen in due time. I thank the Lord for deliverance from the unclean movement of the flesh and spirit at the sight of a half-dressed young woman jumping out of bed in the thought upstairs. By calling on the name of the Lord, he zealously repented and got rid of the filth of sin. Instead of fruitlessly being indignant at Father Paul and despising him for his sluggish, voiceless service, I with love, in unfeigned repentance, secretly prayed to God for him - and I myself calmed down, and I noticed a change for the better in Father Paul: I began to serve with greater zeal and louder. God bless! Thus, one should always pray for the weak and those who sin, and not despise them. Going with the Holy Mysteries to give communion to my cousin Glikeria in Tsepov’s house on the tower, I stood for a long time in a prayerful position and mood, looking at the House diligence, built according to my thoughts and the printed word, praying to the Lord for it, may it give this humane institution material support and a long existence, until the end of the city. God forbid! I prayed with faith and undoubted hope. Oh, if only I could see my desire come true during my lifetime! And now we are in debt and have no fixed capital, except for one thousand six hundred rubles an annual subsidy from the sovereign, from Grand Duke Mikhail Mikhailovich and from the Duma (five hundred rubles). In order not to be embarrassed and not to be confused in prayers and praises and dismissals, firmly, relentlessly look with the eyes of your heart to the Lord and do not at all turn your heart’s eye to the side - and you will defeat your enemies. This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith [1 John 5:4]. After early mass. A terribly difficult temptation happened to me during early mass because of the daughter of the magistrate Simansky; With many tears I suppressed the feeling of partiality and voluptuousness that was from the evil one in my members and in my sides. He took communion without condemnation into the world of spiritual forces; I didn’t read the prayer behind the pulpit out of embarrassment and fear. He sinned grievously in that he did not give to the poor when leaving the church, and immediately went to attend the service of the sick Vassa Avvak, over whom he performed prayers for communion with extreme irritation, anger, resentment against God Himself, and impatience; barely finished; and over another sick person he also performed prayer incorrectly, with annoyance and impatience, stumbling, in cramped conditions and sinful death. The abundant use of the Holy Gifts left over from the laity who received communion brought me harm - tightness, arrows, pain in my legs, pain, irritation in all members. It must be dissolved moderately. If we love our own or someone else’s flesh, and not the soul, then we immediately fall away from God, for we fall into lies, we fall away from true love; the same thing happens if we love earthly things rather than heavenly things, for example food, drink, money, distinctions, beauty, pleasure, for even then we fall into lies and lust. I thank the Lord, who has delivered me from hellish sorrow now; I cried for a long time with her and from her. She suffered for failure to maintain love for God and neighbor, for grumbling, annoyance, blasphemy, malice, covetousness, voluptuousness and voluptuousness. [Why] have I suffered so much and for so long (for twenty-six years now) from the stumbling blocks of the enemy during private and public worship, I will, calling on the Lord for help, pronounce all the prayers, readings, exclamations, I will repeat again if I get confused, and I will achieve completeness and unmissability of the readings. These stumbling blocks from disembodied enemies in prayer lead me to countless torments and irritations, to evil passions. Six and three quarters of the evening on Sunday of the Week of Orthodoxy, March 6. I thank the Lord for the countless mercies and powers revealed in me during Vespers and Compline, after Compline, during the christening in the church (of baby Paul); here there was a cruel wound from ethereal enemies because of Natalya Leontievna Neustroyeva (who was sitting on a chair at first): the enemy aroused anger against her because of her imaginary malice towards me and imaginary contempt. Oh, how he stung me! But, thank the Lord, I emerged victorious and read my prayers with boldness! I thank the Lord for serving prayers with the greatest boldness, peace, and freedom of spirit in Karolyi’s house in two places and in the Kudryavtseva wing (near the factory) at Evdokia Egor. Ten o'clock. I thank the most merciful Lord for the new deliverance of my wretchedness after reading prayers over the sick boy [...] Vasily in the house [...] of Gavrilov, when I went to the pious merchant of fruits and others, Nikolai Vasiliev. A voluptuous person is captivated by the visible beauty of the corruptible body, not paying attention to the immortal soul, the culprit of bodily beauty, to the image of God, according to which it was created and which is the first reason for its beauty and the body associated with it, and without the integrity of which it is ugly, unclean, shameful, disgusting. He does not pay attention to the fact that she is, like her body, the temple of the Holy Spirit, the church of God, does not pay attention to the Spoiler and Bridegroom of the soul - Christ God and the Holy Spirit, and in his thoughts and feelings he attempts to defile her, to deprive her of her first adornment - holiness, purity and purity and mentally commits adultery with her, while the devil commits adultery and unites with his soul, defiles it and deprives God of God's presence and grace. Oh, how many hardships and calamities does the voluptuous suffer, what treasures of grace, spiritual light, peace, freedom, boldness! How pitiful he is, feeding on the food of pigs - his passions and being deprived of bread, which is abundantly enough for the mercenaries of the Heavenly Father, from Whom he left voluntarily. Monday of the Second Week of Lent. My sins of yesterday were great (murmur, annoyance when visiting a sick woman), great were the sorrows, but the Lord’s mercy for my repentance was immeasurably great, great was the help in my service, great was the boldness given from the Lord before invisible enemies; For this, glory to the Lord, who does not allow me to be tempted beyond measure. Glory to the one who miraculously heals my soul, which is sick with sins and passions! As a result of drinking wine yesterday, my heart became extremely weakened, and during Matins I had to fight the enemy and not suddenly defeat him, but after a hard struggle and secret prayer. The same causes lead to the same consequences; fasting is absolutely necessary for a soldier of Christ; there is no exception for anyone who is healthy. He spoke the Great Litany extremely rarely and, thank God, he pronounced it out. I read the canons with animation. At the Midnight Office, Lord and Master of my belly... I could not speak at first, and then I could hardly speak. Grant me, Lord, to be bold before everyone and not to look at faces except Your all-saving, all-holy, terrible face. I thank the Lord for His gracious help during the service of the hours, during which the ethereal enemies did not hesitate to confuse, interrupt, rape and kill me. He pronounced the Great Litany slowly, with all possible boldness, and his enemies were afraid because of every trifle. After hours, funeral service for Al. D. Sidorova and then a prayer service to Evgeny [...] God’s help here was revealed to me, unworthy. I thank the Lord for his help during the christening at the steward Gordeev’s house in Vasilyeva’s house near the Summer Garden, especially after the christening after being wounded by demons - in the struggle with them over a scarf, the addiction to which embarrassed, wounded, darkened, and weakened my heart. God! Grant me the grace not to have any hostile feelings towards the mayor Pyotr V. Kazakevich! Grant me to honor and love him, even though he is hostile to the charitable institution we created, the House of Diligence. After Compline. Eating and drinking, although in moderation, after the christening in the wine cellar of Gordeevsky's clerk Ivanov and eating fish food three hours later at home had a bad influence on me: I served Compline in embarrassment and irritability, and was irritated with the sexton for his bad reading and singing; He said the prayer of release with painful irritation and embarrassment, and not all of it, but missed several petitions at the end (cover us with the shelter of Thy wing... pacify our lives. Lord, have mercy on us and Thy peace...) and said the litany in a furtive, confused, unclear, hasty manner. After this, he became even more wounded and embarrassed and went to seek healing from the much-merciful Doctor and Lord, touched the throne several times and was healed. God bless! To teacher Seraphima Pavel. to say that the children should be distributed for confession to all the priests of the cathedral, and not to me alone or not all at once, but half at a time every two weeks. After Matins. I had grief and misfortune today after the morning from a terrible, choking storm of demons, the cause of which was my treat yesterday at the Markovs (wine, grapes, oranges, apples, caviar, salmon with a roll, sweet tea) and grief at Alexander Ivanovich Kovrigin for asking for money to pay the quitrent, as if I had inexhaustible wealth. A crushing storm - I almost crashed completely. He either missed the litanies or crumpled them up from lack of courage and from fear of demons; Ephraim the Syrian’s prayer was spoken timidly, uncordially, and uncertainly; I concealed holidays and prayers. Oh, intemperance! The same causes inevitably produce the same consequences. Abstinence and fasting are necessary to defeat the adversary the devil. Five and a half o'clock in the evening. I thank the Lord for the miracles of His mercy and power that were revealed in me during Great Compline in the closeness of my heart, troubled and slandered by invisible enemies for my sins. I was completely delivered from demonic embarrassment and fear when reading the prayer of propitiation, final during Great Compline, and I said it all; I also had the boldness to pronounce the final litany: Let us pray... about this and that. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from cramped conditions and sorrow in the apartment of the peasant Akim in the house of Afanasy Grigoriev before the Sacrament of Baptism of his daughter Evdokia (two beggars were chasing me, and I turned them back in sight of the police, and for this I suffered). I thank the Lord, who delivered me at home from the attack of evil thoughts regarding the rector and the intention of taking revenge on him through a denunciation and complaint to the metropolitan, that he does not assign sermons on royal and other solemn holidays, or catechetical teachings to the people, and that he drives out of the church the children who study in the House of Diligence. But I left it because it was not out of love, not out of the impulse of love, but revenge, and, having repented, I prayed to the Lord to raise me up in love and to grant me peace, which is what I received from the Lord. Most of all, I thank the Lord, for Tune, by His sole goodness and mercy, granted me victory and victory over the invisible adversary and to say a prayer at Compline when everyone fell on their faces, the Lord, Most Merciful... to the end and the final litany. In the morning. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the tormenting, fiery snares of the enemy at the end of Matins, when, for fear of demons, I did not utter the words of prayer for doing Thy commandments and letting go completely, but hid the words of Christ, our true God, with the prayers of His Most Pure Mother, the glorious and all-praised apostle saints, by the power of the Honorable and Life-giving Cross... The Gospel of the Martyr for Fear of Demons I didn’t read to the end, but I finished halfway through; It was painful to succumb to the enemy - through repentance I got rid of grief. I sinned at home: I was angry with Paraskeva Ivanovna Kovrigina when she began to ask for thirty rubles of money in addition to the ten I gave (not my own), he turned her back with dishonor and annoyance at her, but, having come to his senses, added five more rubles given to me for the poor - he gave with annoyance, anger, contempt, involuntarily, reluctantly, and not graciously, not humbly and meekly, not diligently, not with love and joy. I repent of all this evil disposition of mine to the Lord and ask for mercy and goodness of my heart. If I refused her great request, then I had to do it without irritation and anger, meekly, humbly, quietly, not zealously. And I was angry with a man who was burdened by the needs of his relatives - his brother and his wife and their children. I still repent of this to our all-good and humane God. Because of gluttony and wine drinking, my heart becomes hardened, angry, proud, envious, and contemptuous. I condemn myself, I blame myself, I completely condemn myself. Yesterday before the christening in the house of Af. Gavrilov looked out the window and saw Christ in his mind - and he was healed and moved. After the Presanctified Mass and after the gymnasium. How many times the adversary the devil began to tyrannize me during the hours, Vespers and Presanctified Mass is difficult to count; but every time after secret repentance with prayer, the Lord saved me from his tyranny, his poison, cramped conditions, especially during mass (the altar watchman puts a lot of incense in the censer - trouble, any passionate thought - trouble). At the end of the mass, while reading the prayer behind the pulpit, the enemy embarrassed me by the fact that yesterday after the christening and in another place he feasted on wine and pleasant dishes, and became depressed in spirit, and the enemy wounded and killed me with despondency. After that, I stood up at the prayer service, having an irresistible hope in God’s mercy, which saved me. Thursday of the Second Week of Lent. After Matins. The devil instilled extremely murderous despondency and melancholy and fear, did not allow dismissals and litanies to be pronounced, but at the end of the service, starting with the canon, by the grace of God he received great boldness; Only he did not speak small litanies, fearing hesitation from enemies and embarrassment, shame, decline and narrowness of spirit. Christ, the true Light... said everything, let go of everything. God bless! And how calm, light, light, cheerful, and solemn it was in my soul! I thank the Lord for countless deliverance from the machinations of evil demons during the hours and Vespers and after it, especially before the prayer service for Baikov and the memorial service for the officer and others and after the memorial service, at which the disembodied enemies mortally confused and wounded me, embarrassed me, wounded my soul, and I did not know where to go. But I fell with faith to the holy throne in repentance, and the Lord healed me, had mercy, reconciled me, comforted me; and in Romashov’s apartment at a prayer service (in Khrushchov’s house), the Lord helped and consoled him with the unfaltering service of the prayer service. And in the gymnasium, when I, oppressed and embarrassed, looked out the window and looked to the Lord with the eyes of my heart, I was again miraculously healed. God bless! I thank the Lord for the gift of twenty-five rubles in favor of the poor from [St. Petersburg trading peasant] Grigory Maksimovich Kuznetsov. And I was upset with Paraskeva Ivanovna Kovrigina for bringing him to me and for glorifying me, a sinful man, in St. Petersburg, but then I repented secretly, remembering that there should not be a shadow of evil in me against anyone other than a servant of God and a priest. Friday of the second week. I thank the Lord for my repeated deliverance from the snares of the enemy during Matins, especially before and during the great litany, which I spoke rarely despite the fears of the enemy and the haste of evil demons; spoke and verses from Alleluia; at the cry of “Save, O God, Thy people...” he also spoke rarely and calmly. Especially during the Mass of the Presanctified, there were many demonic intrigues, for example, after the dismissal and the Lenten hours, which I crumpled up from the embarrassment of the enemy and then remained under the power of death, in the clutches of Satan, from which I got rid of by frequent and repeated falling in repentance to the Holy Altar (Peter and Paul chapel); but the most evil, persistent intrigue of Satan befell me before the end of the mass, when I carried the cup into the royal doors and saw the daughter of Philip Stepanov, a stranger to me and my entire family, I felt their distrust of me; the devil breathed terribly into my heart with hostility and alienation, confusion, mortal distress; Only with the strengthened prayer of the secret before the Holy Gifts that I should always love everyone sincerely, without distinction of condition, gender and age, people’s enmity or hostility towards me and not have even a shadow of enmity towards anyone, I, by the grace of God, almost defeated the enemies, the spirits of malice, and read extremely rarely, with effort, the prayer behind the pulpit, then the prayers for confession and dismissal; I could not pronounce the ends of the prayers (doxologies) (from yesterday’s gluttony, fish-eating, sweetness and drinking). After mass, I again made the greatest mistake and sin - I ate herring fish and fish soup, part of a simple soup (without fish) and drank two glasses of tea. He caused grief and cramping for himself: satiety came out after eating the Holy Mysteries, the fish caused heat in his stomach, cramped conditions, he began to burn all over, he became a burden to himself. For the thousandth time I became convinced that after mass before the gymnasium there is no need to eat anything at home, but to go with the divine lightness received from the communion of the Holy Mysteries; and not after mass, that is, if I don’t serve, I also don’t eat until three o’clock. Fish food produces an animal heat in the blood, arousing animal passions. That’s why you shouldn’t eat fish during Lent, unless very rarely. Saturday of the second week. I thank the Lord, who in my weakness this morning sent Deacon Nicholas to the morning service as a Guardian Angel to help me, and he spoke all the litanies in which the enemy always confuses and stumbles me. My voice was weak due to the weakness of the laryngeal organs and the whole body and from the bad, blizzard weather. I served Mass with the great help and mercy of God towards me quite easily, although not without temptations. After the Cherubic Song and the Great Entrance, the Lord gave me tears of tenderness, and even before the Cherubic, while reading the prayer, No one is worthy of those who were bound... I received the Holy Mysteries in a life-giving and renewing way, but the enemy almost ate me with his malice because of a trifle: for a moment I was upset with the deacon for his misunderstanding and the inappropriate, as it seemed, question: what dish to serve for cutting the Holy Lamb for communicants? Only by repentance and calling on the name of the Lord did he get rid of the all-consuming, all-disturbing and all-killing evil of the devil, which he had already begun to fan and ignite; took communion calmly; sometimes, however, the enemy tried to confuse people with partiality; the prayers I Believe, Lord... and Thy Supper... I read with feeling, rarely, calmly. I read the prayer behind the pulpit without stumbling, but then the enemy caught me again, killing me in an instant with his anger, directed at the reader, the peasant Degtev, for one of his mistakes in reading; I suffered for quite a long time and greatly from the poison of the serpent’s malice, and only through diligent repentance did I overcome it and miraculously got rid of it, as if I had risen from the grave. And how joyful this resurrection was, this victory of goodness over evil, life over death, light over darkness. This already happened after I let everyone kiss the cross. The liberation of the liturgy from the former confusion and sinful death was stolen and crushed. Then, at Titkov’s apartment, before the communion of the sick girl Sofia, the Lord gave me relief from anxiety. Upon arriving home, when I sincerely repented of my grief at the poor woman who asked and begged me for money (I gave twenty, then another ten kopecks), in the grief and anger that caused me torment, the Lord had mercy on me, all-mercifully surprised me with His generosity, on me, so stingy and evil, voluptuous, not God-loving and not philanthropic. But even after so many experiences of God’s mercy and my malice, I again fell into embitterment three times: after Vespers on the panel of the Lord’s Street, when the beggars pursued me, first against four large (adults), then against one at Golubev’s shop (where [the hotel] [...], Kelitskaya’s house) and again at my house against a beggar adult - and again the Lord accepted repentance and gave forgiveness and peace. Glory to His forbearance! I sin by will and reason, not through unreason, and would have long ago deserved punishment and torment after so many experiences of goodness, mercy, patience, punishment, and admonition. How many times have I died a spiritual death - and always came to life through repentance and faith by the grace of God. How many new things have I received from God! O my joy, Lord! My hope! My light, my strength, my renewal and resurrection! I fall in the dust before You and thank You a thousand times in reverence! I pray to You: confirm me in Your love, in Your righteousness! Evening. Eleven o'clock. Saturday. “I thank the Lord, who graciously accepted my repentance when I walked along Pesochnaya Street from the state wings (called Kudryavtsevskys) and secretly brought Him repentance for my hard-heartedness towards the poor, and who delivered me from cramped conditions and sorrow, and who gave me peace and space in my heart. But when I entered the apartment of my godfather and godfather (Mikhail and Evdokia Agaf.) and saw Paraskeva Ivanovna Kovrigina, Satan breathed into my heart with anger towards her. And again I felt his hellish feet, his murderous breath; he, a villain, broke into my heart by stealth and violence and settled in it and did not leave me even when I read the conversation about the healing of the paralytic; he tore my insides apart like a bull's-eye; Finally, I prayed once and twice for the planting of firm and unfeigned love in us and for the expulsion of all enmity and hostility of the devil from our souls, and the Lord again had mercy on me, granting me freedom, peace and righteousness of heart. I thank the Lord, who accepted my repentance. Sunday of the Second Week of Lent. I thank the Lord for the past week of service: throughout it I was healthy, prosperous, victorious by the grace of God, peaceful, alienated from sins, although I fell into them through weakness and evil habit, but by the grace of Christ I was soon delivered from them through repentance and faith. May God grant that you complete the Fourth Week of Lent safely. It is good to be with God, to beg, praise and thank Him. Amen. Morning. Five o'clock. Ask Prussky, Turygin, Volkov and others for firewood. After Matins and early mass and after prayers in different places. I thank the Lord for the countless mercies of gracious deliverance from the many different machinations of the enemy (the seduction of the bulge of female breasts, the inharmonious singing of singers and instant irritation at one of them, then various other temptations, such as fear of the powerful from the merchant world) and from troubles and shame; I thank you both for the tears of tenderness and for the light of contemplation during the reading of the Six Psalms. The priest is a living image of the eternal High Priest Jesus Christ and the Supreme Good Shepherd, who laid down his life for His sheep, and the meek Lamb who took away the sins of the world. How high and important is the rank of priest! And what should a priest be like and what will be his reward from Christ in the future Kingdom if he is faithful to his calling! I thank the Lord for the abundant tears of tenderness yesterday during the reading of the canons and akathists and for the tears today during the celebration of the Liturgy of the Faithful! I thank the Lord for the non-judgmental communion of the Holy Mysteries. I tried to read the prayer behind the pulpit in a place known to me and was embarrassed - and was greatly hurt by the devil, stole my release - and again I was hurt more than before; I suffered for a long time, toiled with the enemy’s poison inside, until finally, with an intensified prayer of repentance before the Holy Chalice, before the atoning Blood of the God-Man, I got rid of it, and consumed the Holy Mysteries calmly, life-giving. There is great help at prayer services, especially from Colonel Ivanova (Zaitsev’s house near the theater) and especially outside the city from Afanasy Gavrilov (before prayer services he prayed secretly and got rid of great cramped conditions). God bless! Ten and a half o'clock in the evening. I thank You, Lord, for the miracle of Your mercy and good obedience in the apartment of the tanner Zakharia Ivanovich Sidorov, when I prayed to You in repentance and contrition of heart about my sin, about my grief at the unreasonable meeting in the apartment of the watchman and his wife in the front town council and against the altar watchman Procopius for the immoderate laying of incense in censer, for through this the malice of the enemy entered into me, oppressed, confused, made me mad, darkened, and killed my soul. I walked and prayed; and in the apartment of Zakharia Sidorov, with special tenderness, he prayed to the benevolent and merciful Lord - and was not ashamed: he received the greatest mercy, peace, freedom. Arriving home, he met his sister-in-law Anna and soon experienced her pride and deceit. I expressed a legitimate desire for my wife and children to be in church on holiday, and not at a concert, and did not approve of the negligence in the church and in the divine service and zeal for the concert in the club (on Sunday), and my sister-in-law, the mother of the children, in spite of me and the children, says out loud: “I’m glad that the children were in the concert,” meaning: “and were not in the church.” Judge, O Lord, between me and them. Why do I work for them when they don’t want to know you? Why do I feed them generously with milk and honey, all kinds of meats and fruits, all kinds of fish and birds - or no, not I, but You, most merciful and all-generous?! Monday of the Third Week of Lent. After Matins. I thank and exalt the Lord for the great mercy of deliverance from sorrow, oppression, spiritual death, which befell me righteously for my anger towards the widow Anna Gerasimova (soldier) and for the daring word: “Go to hell” - the word of the devil’s malice and betrayal of our neighbor to the evil one, from whose power we have been redeemed at such a high price - the suffering and death of the Son of God. The Lord accepted my tearful repentance and confession of my sins before Him and reconciled me, granting forgiveness, cleansing, healing, justification in His Blood, peace, freedom and boldness. I read and sang the canons magnificently by God’s grace, sincerely, with much feeling and strength. Upon arrival home and after a new internal fall into sins (refusal to a few of the poor and especially the secret gloating and ill-wishing of the British when reading in the newspaper about the explosion of parliament) and after a new tearful repentance, the Lord again surprised me with His immeasurable goodness and goodness and again reconciled me and consoled me with forgiveness. Glory to the Lord! Having desired an earthly reward (an order from the king of the earth), I angered the King of Heaven, incorruptible, invisible, Who alone righteously rewards everyone according to their deeds, as the true Rewarder and Lord. And who am I who desires an earthly reward? A person is sinful, passionate, uncorrected, lazy, careless, not only not worthy of reward, but deserving of punishment. Oh, perversion of order! Oh, impudence! Oh, pride and pride! Oh, vanity! Oh, resistance to God! Is not Christ my glory, my life, my truth, my inner, imperishable, eternal reward? Now I feel within myself this highest and greatest reward - Christ Himself, the King of Glory, in my heart, as soon as I secretly repented of my vanity and vanity, which caused me sorrow and torment and deprivation of grace. Glory to Thee, Lord! I thank the Lord for illuminating the eyes of my heart with His truth and for accepting my repentance of vanity and the desire for earthly distinctions, like a dreamy and disappearing dream, which I sinned in secret, walking at six o’clock in the morning near the English church. I forgot that my greatest distinction, my honor and glory is my soul, created in the image of God, adorned with all the gifts of God, the daughter and bride of God. Next is the highest rank of priesthood, with which I am endowed, although unworthily, by the grace of Christ, and those gifts and rights that are associated with it; further, that my glory is Christ God Himself and the Holy Spirit, the treasure of all blessings, my true life, my eternal glory, bright, inexpressible, my incorruptible wealth, my eternal, unfading beauty, my strength, my power and dominion over sins and passions, my peace, which surpasses all understanding, as today during the reading of the canons and the singing of the stichera at the verse at Matins. So, the Lord delivered me from the painful double heart between Christ and the world, from the sorrow and oppression of the serpent’s poison, from the soul-destroying charm of the enemy and gave me peace, freedom, boldness, and rightness of spirit. The second time in church, the Lord saved me from the consequences of frivolous laughter about the altar watchman Procopius pushing the northern doors in the Pokrovsky chapel, which I had locked. The third time, upon my arrival home, the Lord saved me from the cramped conditions and sorrow that befell me for reluctantly, with annoyance, giving meager alms to the poor at the gate (for thirty-six people). I warmly repented of this and bitterly condemned myself for my lack of faith, pride, love of money, lust, stinginess, hard-heartedness, pride, deceit (I said that there are no small ones, but they were). Twelve o'clock in the afternoon without a quarter. I thank the Lord for his obedience and for the grace of deliverance from the movement of nasty, murderous lust in the House of Diligence, when I, stung, defiled and disgraced by it, retired from the office (where the girl is) upstairs and there secretly repented and asked for forgiveness. On the stairs, the Lord delivered me from the shameful captivity of hell. Glory to the Lord! On the 14th, 15th, 16th, 17th and 18th [March] severe pain and purulent inflammation on the shoulders. I thank the Lord for deliverance from grief and crampedness during Matins and for the great help during the service of the prayer service with Alexei [...] (in the Kudryavtsevsky wing), requested in the church when touching the holy altar. In the morning I drank tea with sugar buns and relaxed my heart and only strengthened it with prayer, and when after the prayer service with Alex. You. I ate a little again - I relaxed again and could not serve a prayer service in another place, at Potapov’s. Thank God for the Sacrament of Baptism performed by the carpenter in Kasatkin’s house. I thank the Lord for deliverance from temptation and tears during Matins, or, more correctly, for the tears of repentance that I brought to the Lord in an insane desire for an earthly reward, the Order of St. Anne of the second degree, which has already been denied - and a desire that deprived me of the sweet communion of God, His grace, peace, freedom, boldness, self-satisfaction and plunged me into sorrow, oppression, confusion, participation with the devil and corruption, for he usually deceives us with beautiful corruption and material addictions. Three o'clock in the afternoon. I thank the Lord for His great, wonderful, swift, invincible goodness and mercy, which delivered me from the sin of hard-heartedness and anger towards a beggar (who followed me and asked relentlessly), from sorrow and cramped conditions, when I secretly repented with the firmest faith and hope, climbing the stairs of the gymnasium to the third floor. The Lord sent me a life-giving stream of grace from the Holy Spirit and completely delivered me from sinful death, giving me peace, life, freedom, joy, space, boldness. I came to life, I became alive from dead. Morning. I thank the Lord, through my many tears during Matins, who delivered me from sorrow and oppression and the stings of the serpents, sometimes with voluptuousness, sometimes with the desire for a red ribbon 103 who stung me and with grief because of the refusal, who enlightened the eyes of my heart and gave me a true look at all earthly differences, vain and false, which soon disappear and leave no trace of good in us or in others, who gave me sweet, life-giving tears of tenderness, peace with God and with myself. Because of gluttony, the grace of God leaves me for a while and allows passions to torment me for my admonition. Oh, how weak, cold, and dead my heart is from gluttony and deprivation of grace! Oh, I would not be able to read and sing so sweetly, with a living feeling and clear meaning in church, if grace had not poured into my heart after repentance and my tears before God about my sins, which constantly confuse me. I thank the Lord for the gift of celebrating the early liturgy in the Assumption Church (in the Duma), for taking away the deadness from my heart and for giving me tears of tenderness. Oh, what an abyss there is in me of sins, corruption of the heart, infirmities, temptations, poverty, wretchedness, misery, blindness, nakedness! Before I partake of the Holy Mysteries, what a storm of temptations, what a heavy consciousness of my countless sins and weaknesses, and powerlessness in the fight against them, I must experience! And then what a wealth of mercy, meekness, purification, justification, sanctification, renewal, deification, immortality in the communion of the life-giving Mysteries! Truly glorious and terrible deeds are performed in us by the most merciful Lord. With ineffable wisdom and goodness He restores and saves us. I read the prayer behind the pulpit freely, I said all absolution after a grave temptation from the sight of a beautiful virgin, in the image of the beauty of God - but besides the soul, man is earth and ashes. The source of beauty is in God and in doing His commandments; sin corrupts and disfigures everyone and everything. I thank the Lord for the grace given to me during the all-night veneration of the cross, especially before the Gospel and then long after the Gospel, when, during the carrying out of the holy cross, the Lord revived my heart, which until that time had been mortified by the enemy and sin. While reading the Gospel, the devil weakened and killed my heart, plunged me into despondency and shame; The bad weather also contributed to the relaxation - the slush was great, and I was scrofulous and weak-hearted. The wondrous, rich thought about the unity of the Church as the body of Christ needs to be developed; although, when explaining divine services and deeds, demonstrate church unity: sympathize with everyone, condescend, sympathize, rejoice, help, sincerely pray for everyone, living and dead, and imitate the saints to the best of your ability. I thank the Lord for the abundant tears of tenderness during the reading of the canons and akathists yesterday and today: to the Lord Jesus, the Mother of God (akathist) and the Guardian Angel (this morning). Drown, Lord, in tears all my sins. Walking around the yard at six o'clock in the morning and looking at the snow that had just fallen in abundance, I thought: everything is wisely arranged by the Lord, so every snowflake is an expression of His wisdom! What a wonderful shape each snowflake has! And the whole world, the whole universe, all the planets in their structure and composition are an abyss of wisdom! And man is the image of God, his soul, his body - what an abyss of wisdom, and goodness, and omnipotence! O man, be worthy of your destiny, your wonderful creative dispensation; be small in order to be great: the Lord looks upon the humble, but casts down the proud. I thank, magnify and glorify the wonderful, infinite goodness of God, which delivered me during Vespers (from Sunday to Monday of the Week of the Cross) from the hellish oppression and sorrow that befell me for being upset with the poor. Thus, the truly immeasurable goodness of God [comprehended] the immeasurable evil of the devil in me: the evil one wanted to stop me because of my gluttony and satiety and the ensuing malice, to confuse me, to shame me and the worshipers of God in me, to suppress, to kill - but the net of the enemy in me was broken, and I was delivered, as if I had come to life from the dead and without stumbling, with much power proclaimed the final litany at Compline. God bless! I thank my Lord for help and deliverance from countless snares of the enemy during the all-night vigil at the home of the birthday boy Yakov Kalin. Markov, during and after it. I thank the Lord, for His goodness and mercy and power and truth triumph completely. Even if you are able, says the prophet Isaiah, you will be overcome, and even if you take counsel, the Lord will destroy... for God is with us [Is. 8:9–10]. Forgive me, Master Lord, my gluttony among the hospitable and cordial Markovs - son, wife and mother and children of the first and second. I thank You, Lord, for Your rich gifts, which I 104 ate and drank for Your glory. Forgive me for breaking your fast. Let the strength of my body be for Your glory. Monday of the Week of the Cross. I thank the Lord for ten wonderful salvations of my wretchedness from the poisonous remorse of ethereal enemies during Matins and (once) at the end of it, and for the triumph and victory of His mercy over all the malice of the devil and over my weaknesses (after yesterday’s establishment (treat) of a bountiful meal at the Christ-lover Yakov Kalin. Markov). Tuesday. The highest reward for a Christian, and especially for a priest, is God in the heart. He is our life, our glory, our adornment and splendor, He is our bright, imperishable robe, He is light, strength, cleansing, sanctification, renewal for the defiled and worn out, corrupted by sins. I thank the Lord for his help yesterday during the hours of the liturgical service and Compline, as well as after it. I thank the Lord for deliverance from the thoughts and dispositions of the voluptuous heart and flesh and for enlightening the eyes of my heart, for restoring me in truth (rightness) and the holiness of the spirit. I thank the Lady Most Holy Theotokos, my exalted and all-true glory, which I, indecent and unclean, glorify daily, for She created honor and glory for me completely unexpectedly and miraculously, and when I was denied representation for the highest reward before Easter, She by Her power commanded to present me through the prosecutor of the Holy Synod and presented me [again]. Tuesday. After Matins. I thank the Lord for His indescribable mercy towards me: for accepting my repentance and for delivering me from my infirmities, from cowardice and fear of demons, from the suppression of my spirit by demons, for peace and freedom of spirit given by God, for a rather tolerable service (I say “tolerable”, because I spoke the great litany and only one small litany on the canon and the supplicatory morning litany in a rapid-fire manner at the altar, so that it would not be noticeable my battle with demons, my confusion, my fear, my struggle, my defeat and shame; because of yesterday’s gluttony, drinking wine, I weakened in spirit and was extremely depressed in my soul from demons; although the Lord often and completely delivered, the enemy again frightened me that I would not utter the words of the litanies and prayers). We must fast, watch and pray, even more so at night, in order to strengthen our souls to fight the world rulers of the darkness of this age. At lunch I ate radish with kvass, soup with mushrooms, and a potato cutlet. But this food upset my nerves extremely, I became very irritable (Degtev); He secretly became embittered at Mr. Degtev, a kind and meek reader-assistant, for looking around and stumbling a little in reading (the speck in his brother’s eye [Matthew 7:3; Luke 6:41]). The spirit of malice offended me so much that as soon as I said the prayer of the Master of the Many-Merciful at Compline, I did not finish the entire litany, I also shortened it and pronounced it in confusion and deadness of heart. But the devil terribly filled me with anger against the pious old lady Paraskeva Ivanovna Kovrigina in the apartment of Prokopiy Oleinikov (a retired sailor) and squeezed me so deadly poisonously that I could barely read the sacred story of the Annunciation of the Blessed Virgin from the Archangel and only thanks to repentance and prayer, immediately and repeatedly said, I got rid of the persecution and malice of the enemy and from complicity in his anger is vain, unrighteous, insane. Oh, what humility, kindness, patience, and condescension are needed! Kovrigina expressed the idea that if demons had not persecuted me strongly, then people would have persecuted me strongly, and now I am free from any persecution from people. Fair. I thank the Lord for the gift of mental and physical health through serving Him, the Creator, Provider and Savior of all, the Physician of the sick and mourning, the Protector of the persecuted and attacked. I thank the Lord and Lady for the ardent, pure love of my spiritual daughters and sons for me; These daughters dress me, put on shoes, sew me up, treat me with all their hearts, give me all sorts of things, decorate me, pray for me and with me, rejoice and have compassion for me as daughters of God. I thank the Lord for them, and for everyone - everyone is good to me, only I, I alone, am not good and am filled with all sorts of evils due to my negligence. Have mercy and correct me, Lord my God! Wednesday of the Week of the Cross. In the morning. How fierce the attack on my weakness by the ethereal enemies in their malice was - I cannot express. I felt like I was on hot coals or stung by hundreds of poisonous stings. But the mercy of God was inexpressibly great in me when, in repentance, with faith and hope, I touched the holy throne with my lips. The Lord soon delivered me from the jaws of hellish dragons, hellish fire turned into fertile, cooling and watering dew, confusion into the world, cramped space into space, cowardice into boldness, heaviness into lightness, dumbness into speaking. Wonderful salvation was granted to me after the litany at the Midnight Office (at which I was embarrassed and dismounted 105), after the small special litany at Matins (before the Six Psalms); while reading the morning prayers he was calm; after the great litany (he spoke in confusion in a patter, stealthy words), after the petitionary litany, after Christ, the true Light... and dismissal, said secretly, in confusion, with omissions; before the funeral service and after the funeral service for Mrs. Pushchina. There is no need to drink wine or give drink to others: their sins are probably mine. Evening. I thank the Lord, who repeatedly delivered me from the snares of crafty demons during Vespers and Presanctified Mass, especially at the beginning of this last one, before which I said absolution stealthily, embarrassed [according to] custom, and then began the liturgy, saying the Heavenly King... I thank the Lord for overcoming my enemies while reading the prayer behind the pulpit; he stole his release and for this he was terribly and for a long time tormented and tormented by his adversaries extremely acutely and poisonously and was barely delivered by repentance before the Holy Chalice with the Holy Mysteries. Then in the evening the Lord delivered me during Compline and after it from the oppression of the enemy. Also, at a prayer service at Kochurov’s, especially late in the evening at Zakharia Ivanovich Sidorov’s, the Lord delivered him twice: once from a secret anger against Paraskeva Ivanovna Kovrigina - he secretly repented and was pardoned, then from a feeling of fornication regarding the beautiful maiden Feodosia - for repentance the Lord soon delivered him and revived him. I thank the Lord for delivering me from anger (and its consequences) towards the servant for hiding, although unintentionally, my duckweed, which I was looking for to cover at night. I lost my peace and boldness before the Lord, but in unfeigned repentance I bowed down before him several times and was healed, calmed down and slept peacefully that night. Thursday. I thank the Lord, who accepted my prayer in the open air and freed my soul from the violence of disembodied enemies. They captivated her at the thought of the all-night vigil for the Annunciation in the Assumption Church and the reading of the Gospel and before that the litany and blessing of the loaves, at which vigils and readings the enemies used to stun, confuse, frighten me with ghosts of sin and torment and torment me. God! Destroy their deceits in me! Mistress of creatures, destroy their hellish, all-evil, all-evil, vigilant, persistent, insolent, impudent, abusive, blasphemous, nasty machinations in me. Deliver me from shameful cowardice and powerlessness, from embarrassment and fear. During Matins on March 24, there was a terribly ferocious attack of demons on me because of what I think was a treat yesterday at Zakharia Ivanovich Sidorov’s (tanner); the villains stung me as if I were on hot coals, and I constantly ran to the Lord, falling to the holy throne and bringing repentance with deep sighs and tears. Their violence was unbearable, the chains were the strongest, iron, and the Lord finally delivered me from all this and helped me overcome all demonic fears during the great litany and pronounce it all loudly and boldly. At the small and petitionary litanies, they were overcome by my love of love, which I instantly thought of. During the Hours and Vespers, the Lord helped me: he read the prayers for confession loudly, boldly, and the appeal to the penitents; he said his dismissal in full, boldly looking at everyone coming. I thank the Lord. After Matins and early mass. I served Matins with my heart paralyzed by my incorporeal enemies, and I felt that I was bound by them inside. At the litia they did not allow me to say the words: Hear us, O God, to our Savior... and so on, and I only said: For you are merciful... and so on. The Lord of the Many-Merciful... spoke the prayer with some omissions due to demonic fear and weakened the heart; I missed a lot of words at the blessing of the loaves. He did not finish reading the Gospel and stole many words - it was extremely offensive and derogatory, sad on such a holiday, such a sacrament (the incarnation of the Son of God) and such great, wonderful, majestic, wise words spoken by the Holy Spirit through the Most Pure Virgin Mary. Christ, True Light... didn’t say anything, waved to the singers to sing quickly, and stole their leave. I was confused, cramped, sorrowful, agitated. At the proskomedia in [agitation]. During early mass, I fervently prayed to the Lord for forgiveness of all my many sins, for the destruction of all the countless networks of the enemy, and - oh, miracle of mercy! – The Lord crushed all these snares and gave peace; then he served calmly, with tenderness, received communion without condemnation, and the people (two hundred people) received communion, thank God, well. The Lord helped at prayer services in Simansky’s house and at Guryanov’s. Three and a half o'clock in the evening. I thank the Lord for new wondrous deeds of mercy and His Divine power: for the suppression of the power of the enemy in me during a prayer service at the printing house factor 106 - the power of cramped conditions and death, fear and slavery - and for the restoration in my soul of the dominion of God, the dominion of the world, boldness, freedom and life, truth and holiness. Oh, how solemnly, with what peace and freedom, boldness and dignity I performed a prayer service at the factor after the Gospel on the Feast of the Annunciation, at which the enemy stopped me, not allowing me to utter the last words: for the Mighty One has done great things for Me, and holy is His name [Luke 1:49], after which I, offended by the enemy, cried out to the Lord in repentance for help and deliverance and received forgiveness and immediately felt within yourself is the power of God's grace. Then the Lord visited me with the greatest mercy in Krylov’s apartment on the mountain (in his house) before performing the Sacrament of Baptism after repeatedly falling to His goodness in repentance for my hardness of heart towards the poor (I gave it to them with annoyance and the words: “I hate to look at you” (allegedly because of their drunkenness)). The Lord finally had mercy on me, according to His word: Press, and it will be opened to you [Matthew 7:7; Luke 11:9 ], and opened the doors of His mercy to me, pacified and encouraged me, and I performed Baptism freely, peacefully, solemnly. Again, when I came home, I was angry with my wife and servant for the bad soup, like slop, I spoke sternly and embitteredly, but I repented of my severity and embitterment, and at that very moment the Lord had mercy on me, saving me from confusion, embitterment, sorrow and cramped conditions and granting me peace, freedom, boldness, and love. Wonderful are Your works, O Lord, Your transformation in us sinners. Ten o'clock in the evening. I thank the Lord for the miracle of mercy and His power in me, performed in the apartment of Prokopiy Evdokimovich Oleinikov (the house of Gerasim Murashov) in the presence of many who had gathered for a spiritual conversation - for the miracle of delivering me from the grave consequences of anger and hard-heartedness towards a poor boy, whom I tore out by the ear for frequently asking for alms from me and this time did not give anything; hellish tightness, as if from sins, was in me until I prayed to the Lord with sincere repentance and tears about what I had done; when I realized and confessed my sin, the Lord had mercy on me; I became a new person, rejoiced, renewed, lightened and expanded in my soul, became calm and cheerful, clear and pleasant. Before that, I had read a good book about the Annunciation, capable of comforting anyone, but there was no consolation, but only sorrow and distress. Oh, what wonderful works of transformation the Lord performs in us! Glory to Your mercy, glory to Your power, O Lord! May I always walk before the Omnipresent and All-Righteous and All-Career with all caution, may I beware of all sin, may I do all righteousness. Let me especially avoid even the shadow of malice, hard-heartedness, partiality and love for earthly and perishable things that disappear, and let me cleave to the incorruptible, eternal, living and life-giving treasure - the Lord my God, and let me be careless about carnal and earthly things. After early mass. Most merciful Lord! And on this day You performed in me during the divine service and after it the miracle of Your mercy and, firstly, at the beginning of Matins (I omitted the Midnight Office), when I was outraged by the words and actions of the church elder, who threatened, as the altar watchman Nikolai conveyed, to complain about me (or about us, the clergy and clergy) with a report to the authorities for starting the service at six, and not at five, in the morning (rector ordered to start at five), and when, being in confusion, excitement, cramped conditions, indignation, I repented of my falling away from the world and love for my neighbor and asked the Lord for forgiveness, silence, peace and renewal and received this from the Lord, I became healthy in spirit; secondly, at the beginning of the liturgy, when I did not have peace, tranquility and freedom of spirit due to the cunning of the devil, who pinned me down at the end of the proskomedia and at the beginning of the liturgy of the catechumens, and having prayed secretly in repentance and venerated the Holy Altar, I received healing and peace of soul from the Lord; then after the great entrance, at which I conceal a prayer for the Empress (separately); then the Lord gave tears of tenderness before and during the performance of the Sacrament. I received communion life-giving, however, there was a spark of hostility in my heart, or a cinder of the enemy - I felt it, and this caffe exploded terribly in me after the communion of the communicants; Previously, he only oppressed, fought (during the act of teaching the Holy Mysteries), but could not manifest himself during secret prayer, and when I received communion and had to read the prayer behind the pulpit, he arose in me with all the power of the devil’s anger against the blind Paraskeva Ivanovna Kovrigina, who passionately loved the Lord and me, and I was in terrible excitement, in the extreme agony of the devil’s anger, which outraged, pressing me, scorching me with hellish flames, and I growled, and did not read the prayer behind the pulpit, stole the dismissal, did not pronounce it all, and in front of him and before the prayer behind the pulpit I shrank extremely, tormented, standing at the altar and folding the holy antimension. After kissing the holy cross and sprinkling holy water on the communicants, I begged the Lord for deliverance from the malice of the adversary and for the planting of love in me, and the Lord delivered me, the accursed one, from the hellish serpent, which had sunk its teeth into me, its sting. Glory to the Lord! This was due to my intemperance and gluttony. Sunday before the Fifth Week of Lent. I remember the great mercies of God, shown to me today by the most merciful Lord during matins, early mass, after it at christening in the church of the navigation school and at prayer services outside the city at Shchegoleva’s tavern (where I drank half a glass of vodka), at the Smirnovs’ after the funeral service, at the Estafievs’. The destroyer enemy repeatedly ensnared and wounded me, planted cruel death in my heart while reading and after reading the Gospel, from the words of which he tore certain sayings from my heart and from my lips (the Gospel of Matthew); then, while saying the dismissal, the prayer to Christ, the True Light, at the beginning of the liturgy, especially after the great entrance, the enemy terribly wounded me, and every time through the prayer of repentance and touching the Holy Throne, the Lord healed me. After the communion of the laity (about thirty), the enemy extremely hurt me with hostility, and I had difficulty reading the entire prayer behind the pulpit, - at the end he said; the lesson was well spoken; he stole the release, crushed it, and for that he was offended again; At the funeral service, he stole the release, for which there was again an ulcer in the heart, but the Lord delivered them from all of them by His mercy. At prayer services, the enemy wounded, killed with thoughts and earthly lusts, but for repentance the Lord healed; At the funeral service, he wounded me with anger and killed my soul, and when I came home in trouble, I cried out to the Lord and was healed, my dead soul came to life. So the anger in me does not die. Blessed are those who die in the Lord [Rev. 14:13]: malice will no longer touch them, passions will no longer trouble their spirit. Woe to us who live! Woe to us, dead in our sins! Nine and a half o'clock in the evening. God of mercy! I thank You again and again for new miracles of mercy after the funeral service for the servant of God Varvara Ermolaevna after the devil’s anger and confusion, contrary to my wishes. Coming out of the sad church in confusion and cramped bitterness and walking along Ekaterininskaya Street for a prayer service in Pesochnaya Street in Kudryavtseva’s house, I prayed to the Lord in repentance to deliver me by omnipotent power, as if from a mighty beast, who held me in its insatiable mouth and in its disastrous paws, and the Lord delivered me for my living faith and firm hope, and I immediately felt like freedom, peace, consolation, in which state he reached Kudryavtseva’s house. Deliverance took place after I passed the shooting range. Then, during a prayer service, when the enemy again attacked me with grief at Paraskeva Ivanovna Kovrigina, whom, with her desire to receive the Lord’s blessing from my right hand, I refused with some annoyance for frequently asking for blessings and for kissing her hand; I repented and prayed to the Lord, may He bless me and bless my soul sincerely the servant of God Paraskeva, and received mercy, peace and freedom, and served a prayer service with great freedom and boldness. Then, when I went back with the same Paraskeva, and with spiritual love she caressed me with good words and kissed my clothes (shoulder), I was upset with her, paid with hatred for my love, and again I felt embarrassed and cramped, and again I began to repent strongly, especially walking along the Lord’s street on the left side of the cathedral, and opposite the four-story building of Grigoriev (where the savings and loan partnership) received from the Lord mercy, freedom and great consolation, like an invaluable, heavenly, Divine treasure. Glory to the Lord! The Lord is near, the Lord is near, the Lord is near to all who call on Him in truth [Ps. 144:18]. Eleven o'clock in the evening. Now I have received a new great mercy from the Lord - deliverance from the cramped conditions and mortal sorrow that befell me as a result of secret malice and gloating when reading about the dynamite dirty tricks of the Irish among the British, exploiting the people of Ireland. I repented with all my heart of these secret sins, and the Lord had mercy on me, granting me deliverance, righteousness instead of wickedness and malice, peace and freedom. Postnikova is a beautiful, modest, pious and benevolent woman, and through me invisible enemies attack her with anger, like Kovrigina Paraskeva, like innocent and unskilled babies. God! Enlighten the eyes of my heart. The late Varvara Ermol. - a righteous woman, meek, humble, kind, long-suffering, patient, religious, completely immersed in prayer and God. Monday of the Fifth Week of Lent. I thank the Lord, who comforted me with His all-powerful help during Matins (who took away sorrow and oppression from my heart and gave me peace and freedom). I read the canons with a light, peaceful heart, triumphant in spirit. I thank the Lord for help and deliverance during the memorial service for Varvara Ermol, for destroying in me the secret slander of the enemy against those present and those praying. He spoke the litany clearly, heartfeltly, unhurriedly, calmly, and also the dismissal. The enemy the devil has a custom, during our bitter, burning, passionate temptations, to slander people who are with us or absent, that they are the cause of temptations, our misfortunes, that this person is so and so unkind, this so and so crafty, this evil and proud, this unkind, this unclean, and thus arms us against everyone and outrages us, oppresses us, scorches us, darkens us, he hesitates, kills, being in everything a slanderer, and we believe him that in fact people are the cause of our misfortune, and not we ourselves with our evil suspiciousness and the devil, the common enemy and slanderer of all. Let us not believe him and let us love everyone as ourselves, let us be friendly and kind to everyone. Six and a half o'clock in the evening. I thank You, Lord, my quick-to-hear, for Your great mercy in delivering me from the murderous machinations of the devil, which began with hostility towards the Chukhonka servant of Father Peter Klepachevsky for the apparent disrespect towards me when they met and continued during the service of the memorial service for Varvara Ermolaevna Yakovleva. After the funeral service, I, killed in my soul by enemy thorns, strongly cried out secretly in my heart to the Lord, and He revived me, killed by sin. By eating with the greed of fish (not yet getting hungry), I myself paved the way for the adversary the devil to my heart, and even during lunch he sowed his dead thorns in me. Where is the post? Where is the attention to yourself? Eleven o'clock in the evening. I thank the Lord for the glorious miracle of God’s boundless mercy, which was revealed to me through the prayer of repentance in the clubhouse (Engineers’ Garden) in the apartment of the servant of God Anna Geras. At eight o'clock in the evening I became angry with a drunken townsman, who had annoyed me greatly with his intransigence, despite a strict refusal, and hit him in the back of the head in frustration, which caused me to feel extreme sorrow and distress, shame and deadness of heart for my deeds, and I began to repent, walked and repented all the way along [Alekseevskaya] and Posadskaya streets; Finally, in the apartment of the said woman, in front of the holy icons, I especially cried out to the Lord for mercy and was pardoned, reconciled, cleansed, sanctified, and became peaceful in my heart. As we depict the sign of the cross on ourselves, let us remember that we must crucify all our strength, feelings, abilities, and all our members to Christ, so that, having put to death the old man, we put on the new man in the image of God. I thank the Lord, who granted me, after fighting with bodiless enemies, to overcome them when praying for the deceased and to pronounce the litany cordially, peacefully, boldly, without stumbling (according to Varvara Ermolaevna Yakovleva). Everything and in everything is Christ [ Col. 3:11 ], and especially in the Mother of God: She is all Divine because of Her abundant, close union with God: what She wants, God wants, what She does, God does. She is always, every moment in God and with God and not for a moment without God, for all the fullness of the Divine has taken possession of Her and reigns forever. Life-giving, wonderful, terrible greatness of the Ever-Virgin! Everything is possible for her, the fulfillment of every good desire and request. Tuesday. I thank the Lord for the miracle of His mercy in me, a great sinner, that he gave me sincere repentance of my undying anger against my father abbot and ktitor Leontius and forgave and cleansed my sin of hostility and enlightened the eyes of my heart, granting me to see in man the greatest dignity of the image of God, and to love him for God’s sake, and to condescend to him, and to sympathize, and to be benevolent in every possible way, endure and endure him long, pray for him and never fall away from love, which is the fulfillment of God’s law. The Lord gave me the grace to read and sing with delight the canons of the Menaion and Triodion, the stichera on the stichera, and thereby comfort those present in the church! About everything, thank God. Eleven o'clock in the afternoon. I thank the Lord, who again and again had mercy on me, tempted by the malice of the devil and impatience before the litany for the late Varvara Ermolaevna Yakovleva, when her daughter Ekaterina somewhat persistently and rudely resisted our desire to begin the litiya before the arrival of the singers. The enemy of the human race stung me for a long time, for about twenty minutes, until on the way I received the mercy of God, sincerely repenting and condemning the wordless malice. Lord be merciful! I thank You with all my heart for the miracle of Your mercy, accomplished by Your goodness yesterday at the beginning of Vespers through the prayer of repentance and after falling before Your holy throne. The thorns of sin oppressed me from my gluttony and intemperance, killed my soul, but by Your grace You completely revived me, healed, pacified, comforted, and today during Matins You also revived me, dead by the sins of envy, zeal, ill will, hostility towards the abbot for greed and envy (in money, in firewood), for inattention to the needs of the cathedral brotherhood and oppression of them (especially the lower members) by unwillingness to find a cleric to replace those who left due to illness. I sincerely repented of my sins and the fact that because of them I fell away from the love of Yours and my neighbor and fell into the malice of the devil, I condemned my passionate madness, my corruption, saying: “You are my inexhaustible treasure, Lord, You are my all-sufficient good, with You I had and have and will have everything and will not be deprived of anything, with You everything will be added to me.” And I calmed down. The Lord moved into me again. And I sang and read cheerfully in the choir. Morning. Today I seriously sinned before God and before the Mother of God, before the holy Angels and all the saints and before all people in that I shouted with anger at the poor, going to Matins (and going to change money for the poor), why they ask early and so that in future they should not go early, that they should work; Then, with displeasure, reluctantly and angrily, I gave them alms, for which the Lord punished me as a hard-hearted, angry, evil, self-loving, voluptuous, money-loving and hard-hearted, with the hellish flame of the devil, which burned me all Matins (standing of Mary of Egypt), and I was in the strongest painful agony in the Pokrovsky chapel, and brought tearful tears to God repentance. It is right that the Lord allowed Satan to torment me, burn me, may he lead me to sincere and deep repentance and may he burn up the thorns of my passions, which have drowned and suppressed the good wheat. Ten and a half o'clock in the morning. I fell again into a more serious sin: I was angry and angry with a poor tradesman (a retired soldier), who followed me in different directions, despite requests, orders and threats - very serious threats and on my part daring and reckless, malicious, murderous, that I would tear you apart, beat you (and pulled you by the beard, a small beard, and partly by the hair (also small), and pushed you in the back and in the head). I wanted to go for a walk in solitude to clear my head and freshen up (after working on an essay by the priest Alex. Nevsky) and did not want the beggars to chase after me, but they immediately quickly rushed after me. This irritated me extremely, and in this irritation I spoke many harsh words to the beggar in great anger and bitterness. I repent of this to the Lord, that I have fallen from love, from meekness, humility, gentleness, simplicity, non-covetousness, respect for my neighbor, who is the image of God and a member of Christ and mine together. In repentance, he said the prayer of St. Basil the Great, Lord Jesus Christ, our God, source of life and immortality... 107 with the omission of expressions not directly related to repentance. Oh, the abyss of mercy, Lord! You forgave me these grave sins for my sincere repentance, albeit brief. But teach me meekness, gentleness, humility, simplicity, non-covetousness, carelessness about the flesh and carnal things, diligence about my soul and about the souls entrusted to me, about their enlightenment, correction, virtue and perfection, their affirmation, their satisfaction in spiritual and physical needs according to their strength. Evening. Glory to the goodness of God, unconquerable by any iniquity, conquering our evils with immeasurable mercy. During Vespers, being burdened with sins, melancholy, sorrow and cramped conditions, I cried out to the Lord with all my heart for salvation, touching with my heart and lips the Holy Altar in the Peter and Paul chapel, and immediately received the much-desired salvation. Fortune telling (Church Slavic) – reproach, swearing, blasphemy. The Order of St. Anne was worn on a red ribbon. Izhe (Church Glav.) – which. I’m dismounting (church-glorified) – I’m in a hurry. Printing house factor (obsolete) – managing the technical part of the printing house; in a more common meaning - a small sales agent. Prayer from the Follow-up to Holy Communion.