Июль 1880 г.

Until now I have not learned abstinence, purity, chastity, humility, patience, kindness or any virtue. God, enlighten my darkness! God, have mercy on me! (I am upset with the sexton for his incompetence and weakness of singing). I thank the Lord for the stumbling-free, easy service of Matins with warmth of heart and zeal. Only after Matins was he embarrassed and heartbroken over the non-arrival of sexton Kamenogradsky for early mass; but after repentance, the Lord delivered me from cramped conditions and embarrassment. I thank the Lord for delivering me from cramped conditions and sorrow before and during mass and for the unfaltering, grace-filled service of the liturgy with tenderness and the non-judgmental communion of the Holy Mysteries. Many times the enemy tried to stumble and hurt me - and many times the Lord delivered me, giving me peace and boldness. At the great entrance, he pronounced all the royal names clearly and loudly. I thank the Lord, who has now delivered me from the unclean inclinations of my carnal heart after a fervent prayer of repentance and who has given me space of heart after tightness, peace after confusion, boldness out of shame, and strength out of weakness. I thank the Lord, who has given me the grace to perform Matins without stumbling with fiery zeal, with joy and breadth of spirit; I thank the Lord for serving the Liturgy with tears of tenderness before communion and before communion and before communion and after communion, for during the singing of the stichera by the sexton instead of the sacrament, I was upset with him for not singing the sacrament, and did not cover his omission with love, and love above all, and therefore I was extremely tormented in spirit, especially when I also saw a gray-haired priest standing in the church (this was my sexton’s father-in-law Mikhail - father Dimitry Dremyatsky). Only through intense repentance and faith and fervent prayer did I ask the Lord for forgiveness of sins and peace of mind. But isn’t it the same spirit of salvation, the spirit of Christ, that moves in the daily stichera as well as in the sacraments? From now on let me hold on to love. I didn’t read the prayer behind the pulpit and missed many words in it out of embarrassment. Forgive me, Lord! I have sinned against you through gluttony and immoderate wine drinking; That is why I am a stranger to unfeigned love, which endures everything, covers everything, is not irritated, is merciful. Sunday. Before early mass and at the beginning of it, I was very embarrassed and oppressed by grief about the blasphemy and slander of me and the simple women who loved me and God’s service, but, having reflected and called upon the grace of God, which comforts the sad, for help, I calmed down and served quite well; only the heart was cold and somehow painful, dead. Subsequently, through forcing myself, the Lord gave me tears of tenderness. At the great entrance, he did not pronounce the names of Grand Duke Nikolai Alexandrovich, after the consecration of the Gifts of the words: First remember, Lord, the Most Holy Governing Synod and our Lord, the Most Reverend Isidore... He received life-giving communion; I read the entire pulpit aloud, I said my sermon well; the whole dismissal was pronounced. On the military ship "Griden" he served a prayer service for the goodness of God; at the end the enemy stumbled and wounded me with mad anger at the sexton Mikhail for not singing to You, Lord, at the end of the litany of water. But at the end of the prayer service, through repentance and faith, I asked the Lord for forgiveness and peace for my troubled and oppressed soul. I thank You, Lord, who have now driven away from me for sincere repentance the vile, prodigal, destructive fox from my heart. The smoke of their torment (unrepentant sinners) will ascend forever and ever [Rev. 14:11], - the smoke of them, that is, of their iniquities. O evil-smelling lawlessness! You will not perish forever, but you live and smoke the light, corrode the eyes, rush into the nose and mouth and penetrate the whole of the wicked! Today, just before the all-night vigil, I tore out the hair and ears of a crooked beggar boy in anger at him and contempt for him (oh, damnation!), since he tired me with frequent petitions (oh, impatience! oh, lack of understanding of the need of the poor!), and I myself had to suffer greatly mentally for these sins and for hardness of heart, pride, voluptuousness, gluttony, satiety, drinking wine, for pride, envy, love of money, for laziness, negligence, insolence, rebellion against God and neighbor - I fell into oppression, sorrow, fear, cowardice. For a long time I repented with all my heart of all these sins, and finally the Lord had mercy on me, granting me forgiveness and peace. The Canon of the Kazan Icon of the Mother of God was read loudly, clearly, with feeling, slowly, anointed. I clearly saw the dead man placed in the coffin, and who did this dead man turn out to be? My uncle Vasily Mikhailovich, still in blooming health and died as if from wine, as it seemed, and even as if he had not died, but was laid alive in a coffin. First they put him in a basket, and then the basket in the coffin. And how quickly and briskly the undertaker quickly removed the deceased into the coffin! And his apron, or cover, with which he girded himself and with which, like a bag, covered the legs of the deceased... In the name of the Lord, turn to Pavel Petrovich Sinebryukhov with a request to donate two thousand rubles to the trusteeship for the construction of the House of Diligence. God grant, everything is possible for You. Yours is the earth, and its fulfillment, the world and all who live on it [Ps.23:1]. I thank the Lord for the good celebration of the second early liturgy in the cathedral, with a clear, loud voice and warm feeling. (Agafonova’s mass for her husband Anthony.) Thank you for your help and deliverance during the service of all prayers and especially the memorial service in the theater for Tishkov’s wife. Thank you for delivering me from the creep of the unclean in my heart when reading the Gospel with Zechariah Sidorov in Golubev’s house and on other occasions. It was in vain that I ate veal jelly and herring at home last night, after I had a meal at Kozhevnin’s, Zakhary Sidorov’s: this morning I have a burden and pain in my back. Evening. God! I remember Your great mercies, which You surprised me on this day during matins, early mass in the Duma Assumption Church and at home, after mass, saving me from demonic torment and from embitterment towards Deacon Vladimir and Reader Demetrius; I thank you for your help during the service of the liturgy and during the reading of the sedals and the canon at Matins and for the revival of reading, for the action of grace in me during reading and singing, for peace, freedom, boldness. I thank the Lord, who, through my long and earnest prayer, delivered me from an evil dream, the devil acting in me, after Vespers and at the beginning of the wedding in the cathedral, and who gave me the grace to [overcome] evil with good [Rom. 12:21], through patience, meekness and taming of my heart, the real or imaginary malice of the Kamenograd and Poletaev deacon against me. By the grace of Christ God, I completely got rid of evil dreams during marriage and very freely, peacefully, cheerfully, solemnly married, rejoicing in God’s salvation. How Russian officers, rewarded by the government with a generous salary, spend time abroad, having several concubines, spending huge amounts of money on them, entering into a fictitious marriage for a year or two, and perhaps even a month in a pagan temple with pagan blasphemy of the Japanese bonzes (Buddhist faith); how they drink and play cards. Oh, Russia! Russia! What kind of sons do you have! (Frank story by Fyodor [Silonov], the navigational officer of the priest’s son (Father Afanasy), who was in Japan for about fifteen years.) He justifies his fornications with his broad nature and does not consider them a sin. I told him a good sermon. And retired General Rychagov told me about students of military educational institutions, how their teachers lead them to have intercourse with the female sex, considering this as a precaution against worse sins and like a delicacy for nature, which is sick with passions. Oh, naturalism! Oh, what a disgrace! Oh, nihilism! And what did Galakhova’s relative tell me about Russian blasphemers and blasphemers, what they say about Jesus Christ our Lord, about His conception, about the Most Holy Virgin, the highest of the Cherubim, what blasphemies they dare to speak about Her and Her Divine Son! Do our archpastors know this? God! Have mercy on us! Where is our creed? Where is the preaching of the word of God? This is what a secular, distracted life leads to: partying, theaters, clubs, reading novels and newspapers and, in general, only secular books and alienation from spiritual ones! Oh, paganism in Christianity, worse than true paganism! Will not the Kingdom of God be given to the tongue that creates its fruits [Matthew 21:43] and will it not be taken away from us, pagans in life and deeds?.. (If only for the Chinese and Japanese?) What kind of pure heart, alien to any worldly passion, should a priest have in order to be the receptacle and bearer of Divine love and holy love, ardent for all humanity, beloved and saved by God in Christ Jesus the Lord, in order to offer God the Bloodless Sacrifice for the whole world, for the Church of heaven, earthly and underworld, or for the tribes of heaven, earth and underworld, so that sincerely and from a pure heart to bring thanksgiving to God on behalf of the Church - for the patriarchs, prophets, apostles, martyrs, evangelists, hierarchs, saints and righteous, to sincerely pray for all the dead and for all the living, for the peace of the whole world, the welfare of the Churches and for the unity of all, for the Holy Synod, bishops, presbyters, deacons and all the clergy, for the emperor and the entire royal house, for all people, floating, traveling, sick, suffering, captives, etc.?! Oh, how high, how great, what is important in us is that in the image of God, that is, the soul for which God the Word became man, lived on earth, taught, performed miracles, suffered, died, rose again, for which the visible world and all the diversity of creatures subordinate to it, for which the Old and New Testaments, for which the prophets, apostles, evangelists, the entire hierarchy, for which the Church was founded on earth in the person of Adam and Eve, then the patriarchs and prophets! For whom there are apostles, evangelists, martyrs, saints, for whom there are so many miracles, ancient and new! What could the Creator give to His creation more than what He gave it, creating it in His image and likeness, making him a god by participation, by reason, holiness and truth, by free will? Oh, treasure, man, more than anything else in the world that which is in you in the image and likeness of God, and do not enslave to the corruption of sin and carnal passions. Always be jealous of the lives of the saints and be heavenly on earth. Be holy... [1 Peter 1:16]. Set your mind on things above, and not on earthly things... [Col.3:2]. I thank the Lord, who has graciously delivered me from the painful addiction that evil demons produced in me during mass, addiction to valuable airs, or coverings, and aversion to simple, low-value, even clean, served by the watchman. I thank the Lord for deliverance from the painful lustful thought, or the evil, unclean view of the girl at the end of the memorial service at the end of the mass. Everything earthly is dust before the Lord (and should be in our eyes); God is the only supreme good, beauty, strength, life, wisdom. The Apostle Paul was caught up to the third heaven [2 Cor. 12:2]. What honor to human nature! What assurances! What hopes! My God! And are we Christians still clinging to the earth, to the dust, to earthly beauty, to earthly wealth, to earthly honors, to earthly health! Highlander, philosophize! Woe of the heart! The highest and life-giving service of the Divine Liturgy is the service of incorruptibility and immortality, the service of purification, sanctification and reconciliation of people with God, the heavenly, terrible and angelic service on earth, for during the liturgy the Divine Body and Divine Blood of God Himself is celebrated and given to the believers as food and drink. How should a priest perform this service, with what purity of soul and body, with what dispassion, with what love for God and humanity redeemed by the Divine blood, with what peace, with what reverence and fear! I thank the Lord, who delivered me at the beginning of Matins from the snake bite that followed my grief at the pious Paraskeva Ivanovna Kovrigina before Matins, and who granted me to solemnly read the canons: the Cross, the Mother of God, the Holy Great Martyr Euphemia the All-Praised and the Holy Blessed Princess Olga of Russia; After Matins, a devilish, evil despondency took possession of me, which I drove away with prayer and repentance in the Assumption Church before mass. I thank the Lord for the unfailing performance of the entire liturgy and requiem service from the Kalmykovs and for the unfailing communion of the Holy Mysteries. After the all-night vigil in the cathedral on Sunday. I thank the all-merciful and all-generous Lord for the great miracles of mercy and salvation that were performed in me during the all-night vigil through the secret prayer of repentance and my forgiveness, clearly and wonderfully; the first time when I stood at the Holy Gospel and looked at those approaching (my servant, Evdokia, also approached); the second time, after the dismissal of the all-night vigil, at which I missed the holy Apostle Andrew the First-Called and Peter and Paul and the Monk Stephen Savvait, and thirdly, after saying the prayer to Christ, the true Light and the final dismissal: in all three cases, the Lord delivered my soul from devilish oppression, melancholy, powerlessness, cowardice and fear and gave me courage, peace, space, strength. Upon arrival from Novgorod. I thank the Lord, who showed His mercy to me through the prayer of my repentance and who delivered me from the violence of fornication through a conversation with a girl. Evening. Ten o'clock. Eleven and a half o'clock in the evening. I thank the Lord, who also delivered me from the abomination, sorrow and oppression, wounding and violence of unclean demons, which through my lust, laziness and negligence penetrated into my heart. I repented and prayed to the Lord, and the Lord immediately heeded my prayer. By the incense of His Divinity, the Lord scented the whole earth, all people (smoking incense is an image of that incense). What a wondrous, intelligent, beautiful creation of God man is, created in the image and likeness of His Lord, Creator and Provider! What deeds did the Lord make him do on earth! He, so to speak, is the successor of God’s works on earth: look at the products of human hands in all kinds: metal products, artistic products, his various fabrics, linen, silk, velvet, wool, products made of minerals, glass and crystal, products made of precious stones; look at its mechanical products, at its steamships and locomotives, at its telegraphs, telephones, railways, at its buildings, public and private, at its churches, palaces, monuments, museums, the building of a public exhibition - and you will involuntarily be surprised at the greatness and power of the human mind and glorify God, who gave man such a creative, courageous mind, who poured out such an abyss of His wisdom, goodness, and power upon man. Man ruled over land and water, over space and time (telegraphs). On Saturday morning I was at matins in the cathedral, reading and singing in the choir, at the end of matins the sexton of Kamenograd came, and when I entered the altar at the end of matins, he stood leaning on the sacristy table, and when he saw me, he did not greet me, did not come up to receive the blessing, and then, when I went to the choir to sing to the Chosen Voivode, he also came, did not greet me, did not nod his head to me. I was upset at such inhumanity and ignorance of him and, standing before the icon of the Lord, I prayed to Him to protect the honor of the priesthood from the sexton and to enlighten him. I condemned myself for everything. What did the Lord do with the sexton, what wonderful change did he bring about? I come to the all-night vigil, which the rector has begun to serve, and Kamenogradsky comes up to me and, which has never happened, brings me the Canon and the Missal for the rule. I thanked the Lord for His goodness and mercy towards me and brother Demetrius. God! Deliver me from the abomination of desolation, standing in the holy place in my heart, from the idols of carnal love and restore again the shrine in my heart, the shrine of Your Divine love, grant me unfeignedly, unflatteringly, uncarnally to love everyone in You and for Your sake, and not for the sake of pleasing my multi-passionate flesh... Oh, carnal love is the greatest enmity against You, against me ourselves and against our neighbor, the very one whom we love carnally, and against everyone, for the carnal lover looks at everyone uncleanly. God! I fell into temptation, inflamed by carnal love, and grace left me. I later repented to You and asked for deliverance from this abomination. My heart has become extremely weakened and cooled towards You, God, and towards my neighbors; I died mentally... But may I arise soon and may I kindle [my heart] with the flame of Thy Divine, incorruptible love; Grant this to me, I pray to You. During the service of early mass, the Lord revealed in me, mortified by sins, immeasurable mercy and His greatest power, giving me tears of tenderness and reviving my soul, giving me the strength to resist the evil demons that fought and confused me. In the communion of the Holy Mysteries, the Lord miraculously revived and renewed me, who had become dilapidated and killed by passions. He spoke his sermon loudly and forcefully. During the prayer service for water, the enemy tempted me with his pocket and wallet, as if someone would get into my pocket. Oh, vain, absurd fear! Ten o'clock in the evening. I thank the Lord, who gave me in my garden, during my prayers and walking, tears of deep repentance for my sins, who took away the charm and infatuation of carnal voluptuousness and revived my soul with His grace. There was a painful sting in me. Lord, grant me to be completely embraced by Your Divine desire, by Your Divine love; may there not be in me one iota the love of this world, the love of flesh and blood, the love of unclean passions, the love of treasures, the love of food and drink, created love that strongly resists Your love and separates me from You, my most sweet Light. What do we have in heaven? and what did You want on earth? My heart and my flesh are gone, O God of my heart, and my portion, O God, forever [Ps. 72:26]! I have tasted and seen that the Lord is good [Ps. 33:8]. Grant me, Lord, to love everyone only in You and for You. What and how great ineffable gifts have I been granted by God in Baptism, Confirmation, Repentance, Communion, Marriage, and Priesthood! Have I preserved and increased the deposits of grace bestowed upon me in these Sacraments and continually bestowed in the Mystery of the Priesthood, in sacred service, in the administration of the Sacraments, in the teaching of the people and myself, and in the spiritual government of the souls entrusted to me? Have you kept the great vows made at baptism? Have I put off the old man, which is decaying in the deceitful lusts, and have I put on the new man, renewed in the image of my Creator [Eph. 4:22–24]? No. I have treacherously broken my vows, I add sins to sins, and infidelity to infidelity. But have more patience with me, Lord, and do not cut me down like a barren fig tree, giving me time to repent. Remember, Lord, your servant Evdokia - and save her, keep her in holiness and truth. Do not allow me, Lord, to remember with pleasure and lust a single beautiful woman’s face, lest my heart become satiated with the pleasantness of the carnal appearance of man. Grant me always to love souls, souls, and not bodies, not corruptible skin, let the beauty and kindness of a woman’s face not seduce me, for this is a devilish, disastrous charm Alas for me! Every day and hour the devil strives to plant in me the deadly thorns of passions: self-love, gluttony, carnality, voluptuousness, greed, wickedness, malice, envy, anger, laziness and negligence, but I do not strive to at least the same degree to plant in myself all types of life-giving virtue, even just one kind of it! I was promised eternal life for the short-term work of fighting against sins and for practicing virtue, but I am careless, lazy - woe is me! alas for me! But help me, Lord! Overcome my laziness and raise me to eternal virtue. I thank the Lord, who saved me from painful suspicion regarding the father rector, who, as I think, withheld ten rubles for a prayer service on the ship that reopened flights between Kronstadt and St. Petersburg: I ​​left this sin to his conscience, casting aside my money-loving jealousy, and was calmed by the grace of the Lord, Whom I begged to forgive me my sin and revive me. The canon was read in good faith. The early Liturgy in the Assumption Church served the grace of God for good, shedding tears of repentance; I thank the Lord for the gift of deep repentance and tenderness and for the communion of the Holy Mysteries, revival and renewal by them. Oh, how pure, heavenly, ardent in the love of God a priest should be, offering prayers to the Lord and Bloodless Sacrifices for all people! Without purity, without love for God and neighbor, with pride, lust or rancor, anger, greed, gluttony, a priest cannot be a sincere and worthy performer of prayers and the Sacraments. You offer me a golden cross; At the same time, the words of the Lord Jesus Christ in the Apocalypse of St. John the Theologian to the Angel, or bishop of the Laodicean Church, come to mind: I advise you to buy from Me gold purified by fire [Rev. 3:18], that is, a soul purified by the fire of temptation. I have not yet bought or acquired this spiritual incorruptible gold; will I wear this perishable gold in vain, without having acquired incorruptible gold, a pure soul and a pure heart? You present me with a cross decorated with precious stones. When I see these stones, I remember the precious stones seen by the seer John at the foundation of the great city of holy Jerusalem (its light was like a most precious stone, like a crystalline jasper stone [Rev. 21:11]), of which there were twelve in number: they meant the twelve apostles of Christ and the virtues of each of them. Oh, that my soul were one of these precious stones! To Sinebryukhov Paul: Silver and gold are mine, the earth is mine and what fills it, the universe and all who live on it [Ps. 23:1]. Cover your nakedness (generosity to the poor), you will not take anything with you; may the wealth you have accumulated at the Last Judgment not be against you, but for you; It will be for you when you use it for good deeds; For this reason, the Lord gave you time to live, so that you would use God’s good wisely and not carry it with you to the grave of condemnation. Here in Kronstadt there are many beggars without shelter, clothing, food, the sick, the crippled, the crippled - they need a house to live, shelter or work. The guardianship, in its concerns, asked the St. Petersburg merchant Gromov to donate to the forest for its construction, and he made an order to allocate two thousand rubles to the forest, but this was extremely little; we need up to five thousand rubles for the purchase of bricks and various accessories and for the construction - please kindly give us this amount for the eternal memory of you; we will include your name for eternal remembrance in the church. God will reward you in eternity for your good deed. Their works, it is said, follow them [Rev.14:13]. I thank the Lord for delivering me from many serious temptations yesterday during early mass, which were the result of my gluttony and impatience, especially at the end of the liturgy and at the prayer service before the Iveron Icon of the Mother of God (Deacon Vladimir Poletaev seemed to me very rude and disrespectful; he puts on airs). But I thank the Lord, who accepted my inner repentance and delivered me from the snares of the enemy and made me worthy to partake of the life-giving Holy Mysteries, and to read the Gospel at the prayer service. Grant me, Lord, meekness, kindness, patience, kindness of heart, forbearance, and peacefulness. After early mass. How I will thank You, my Joy, Lord Jesus Christ, my God, that today during Matins, during the early liturgy and after it, upon leaving the church, on the way to the building of the seventh naval crew in the dock ditch, You gave me the greatest salvation (for the secret prayer of repentance and faith) from the sorrows and cruel oppressions with which the adversary struck me for my suspicion regarding the sexton of Kamenograd, for dislike for him. I was dead through sins, and You revived me and granted me to see the light with my soul, for the sake of Your name and for the sake of Your holy, most pure and life-giving Mysteries, for the sake of Your suffering, for the sake of Your immeasurable compassion. Oh, how good it is for me to be with You! What a terrible misfortune it is to move away from You through an evil disposition of the heart for even one minute! And eternal torment could soon have befallen me with all its horrors, with eternal tears and gnashing of teeth, if the price of Your atoning sufferings and Your Most Pure Blood had not redeemed and delivered me, a most cruel sinner, from these eternal torments. Oh, grant me, Lord, the rest of my life without blemish in heart, in word and deed, to live for Your glory and for the salvation of me and my others. It is an abomination to the Lord out of whim, and not out of extreme need, on fasting days, butter and cow's milk, and thereby arouse carnal passions. So, today, the accursed one, after early mass, ate before tea and during tea, bread and rolls with butter in small quantities and milk, and thus caused my flesh an extremely voluptuous disposition, which was especially strong during sleep and rest (in the first hour of the day). The present day of my anniversary will give me a reason to say something about myself, not to my praise, but to the glory of God, about which I cannot remain silent, for during the course of my 25-year priesthood, Christ God, His mercy and judgment, His power and truth, were gloriously glorified in me. However, even if I say something about myself, if I boast about something, I won’t be crazy: I’m telling the truth. I will boast both in my weaknesses [2 Cor. 12:5], and in the signs of the power of God in me and in many, many others who have resorted to God through my mediation. Sinebryukhov Pavel. Many have lost all their, sometimes enormous, achievements through fire and other disasters, but with you [the century] the Lord has preserved all your wealth. Thank the Lord for this, having brought the gift to the least brethren of Christ, put your treasure in heaven, in the vagina that does not grow old, and acquire the treasure that does not fail in heaven [Luke 12:33], so that you may receive it a hundredfold in the eternal life. I thank the Lord for His great mercies towards me during Matins and the early liturgy in delivering me from the machinations of invisible adversaries and for the completely unfailing service of the liturgy and requiem service. After mass, having come home, unnecessarily, having no appetite or desire, I ate rolls and black bread with butter, and tea with cream, and thereby deprived myself of the grace of God through my greed, for when one soldier’s woman came with a sick child so that I could pray for him with her, my heart and tongue were as if paralyzed: I could hardly speak, my heart was cold, dead, unloving, unpeaceful, impatiently. I need to stay away from butter and cream: they weaken my soul extremely. I greatly and wholeheartedly thank the Lord, who today became my helper and patron for salvation during matins and early mass, as he gave me, who had died in sins, tears of tenderness and revived my soul, saving it from voluntary and involuntary sins, and made me worthy to receive life-giving communion of the Holy Mysteries. He served the grace of God without stumbling. I thank the Lord, who has given me the grace to solemnly glorify all the saints (Saturday service) and to pray with Saint Damascus for the repose of the dead in faith and hope and to glorify God’s immeasurable mercy towards the earthly, living and dead. I thank the Lord, who has repeatedly delivered me from the snares of the enemy and the addictions of this world (golden cross with precious stones) and who has made me worthy to perform the Divine Liturgy in the Assumption Church without stumbling and to partake of the life-giving Holy Mysteries. I thank the Lord, who delivered me at the very beginning of the all-night vigil from demonic hostility and hard-heartedness towards a beggar, young, well-dressed guy who asked for money for a ship (I gave thirty kopecks with annoyance and anger); then, during the all-night vigil, from the devil’s blasphemy against the Most Holy Theotokos, which instantly struck the heart during the censing of polyeleos, then, after reading the Gospel, delivered from the oppression of the enemy; then after the great dismissal and especially after the prayer to Christ, the true Light, during which he stumbled from embarrassment and hesitated and became speechless because of the father of Deacon Arseny Dobronravin, [...] sitting at the service in the chapel. Thank you for the many wondrous salvations of my Lord. He baptized the child Nicholas after the all-night vigil very freely, easily, and zealously. (During the all-night vigil I suffered greatly because of the movement of devilish malice in my heart. Oh, how necessary is kindness!) From July 22 until now (until July 27) there has been extreme heat with thunderstorms. The heat reaches 30 degrees, at night up to 20 degrees. The sweat is pouring out. Today is 25, Saturday, strong thunderstorm in the evening after the all-night vigil. Corruption is the greatest enmity against God, who created us in His image and likeness in purity, against our neighbors whom we lust after, and against ourselves, as corruption of the church of God in which the Spirit of God lives. Sunday. Morning. Before mass. I thank the Lord, who surprised me with the mercy of His deliverance and salvation, when I, unjustly embittered by the beggars who bothered me with requests while going to my services, repented and sincerely called on the Lord, who saves me always and unceasingly: He heard me and immediately saved me, delivering me from cramped conditions and sorrow and giving me peace and space. After Vespers. I thank the Lord, who granted me deep, many-tearful repentance during the Liturgy, and thereby renewed my dilapidated and corrupted soul by sins and strengthened it for the stumbling-free, sincere celebration of the Liturgy with many tears. I thank the Lord, who has given me the non-judgmental communion of the Holy Mysteries and the loud, heartfelt preaching of the word of God (my composition, about the power of faith); I thank the Lord for the stumbling-free saying of the prayer behind the pulpit and dismissal and for the same performance of the thanksgiving prayer. Before the Liturgy, one must diligently call on the Holy Spirit, the Comforter and Helper, the Celebrator of the Holy Mysteries. I thank the all-merciful and benevolent Lord, who twice delivered me through the prayer of my repentance from the all-destructive arrows of the crafty fighter, who fiercely wounded me - once at the end of the all-night vigil while reading the prayer to Christ, the True Light, in which I did not utter the words because of the enemy’s machinations and correct our steps to doing Your commandments, after which I felt embarrassed in myself, plague, cramped conditions, darkness, death, but after the end of the service and upon falling to the throne of grace in the spirit of repentance, I was awarded forgiveness and peace; another time, an evil spirit began to attack and sarcastically and kill me due to my inclination towards self-interest and envy, after the sexton told me that the famous officer Ivan Matveyevich gave Father Alexander two rubles for a prayer to the mother in labor, his wife, and for a prayer service, and one ruble to the sexton; I envied Father Alexander and thought: it was in vain that I left Kronstadt for Novgorod for almost a week and lost a lot of income - because of this madman’s hope for money, and not for the Lord, the rich Giver of all good things, I felt in my soul sorrow, crampedness, darkness, shame, death and was in such a state until I sincerely repented and begged the Lord, who was angry with me. It was after the all-night vigil in the cathedral and after the christening of the said officer Ivan Matveyevich in the courtyard of the merchant Luka Popov in Nizhnyaya Shirokaya Street, before the funeral service, when another terrible misfortune befell me - anger at the beggars who were hot on my heels; I repented of everything and was awarded a great, wonderful, life-giving pardon from the Lord, peace, freedom, boldness. Glory to the Lord who has mercy on me! Glory to the quick-obedient Lord! With the greatest spiritual sweetness, with a solemn, joyful voice, I glorified the Lady Theotokos during the reading of the canon at the all-night vigil in honor and glory of Her, the All-Merciful Lady! I thank the Lord and Lady that with unworthy and unclean lips I was honored to glorify with good reading and singing the beauty and glory of the human race, the Ever-Virgin Mary the Mother of God. I thank the Lord for the successful service of the late cathedral liturgy in the cemetery church (according to Ksenia Nikitina) and for delivering me from all the demonic intrigues at the beginning of the liturgy that burdened me. How joyful I was after I felt within myself the power and mercy of God, which destroyed the demonic cunning! But for that, the evil one caught me drinking in the cookhouse of Peter Alex, in the house of Simansky, putting on me a cowardly fear for myself that I would not be able to say the litany and dismissal, which is what happened to me. With this he killed my soul. This is because of the one and a half glasses of beer drunk at Father Nikolai's after mass. How harmful is drunken drinking! I especially thank the Lord for delivering me from the greatest temptation and embarrassment regarding the reproach of Father Alexander (a fellow uneducated clerk) that I was interrupting his income, because of which I ardently settled accounts with him. For a long time I was not myself, giving communion to the sick woman in Tsepov’s house, and performing the funeral service for Anna Popova (Luke Fedorov’s wife), and going on the ship, and walking on the ship, and going to Oranienbaum along [Martynskaya] for the funeral service for Neustroev. I repented deeply and strongly to the Lord, finally begged His goodness to forgive Father Taratin for his slander, which the devil taught him, and I rose, truly rose from the dead. This is how the original murderer killed me! Oh, what temptations and sorrows! But in fact, for my passions and worldly addictions, and especially for gluttony and greed and voluptuousness of the belly and loins. Sleeping after lunch is extremely harmful for me, making me nervous and irritable. And at night I can’t sleep for a long time. I noticed a bad side in Father Alexander: slandering me and scolding me in vain because of suspicion, but I, too, am a sinner, often, also out of suspicion or, albeit rightly, I speak ill of the abbot Father Paul and scold him. But my abuse doesn’t reach him, and if it did, he could have sued me for slander and abuse. And I often suspect other fathers of deceit and scold them. Forgive me, Lord! Forgive me, brothers! I must generously endure insults and slander and not become embittered at those who offend, but pray for them, that the Lord may enlighten them and may not make my insults a sin for them, for the devil will offend them through them. Truly, faith moves mountains, as it did yesterday after the collision with Father Alexander, and always. But also, Lord, grant me by faith to overcome passions, endure insults, persecution, slander, slander, and to be skilled in humility, kindness, patience, abstinence, purity and chastity, obedience and other virtues. I thank the Lord, who gave me the grace to perform Matins victoriously over enemies, visible and invisible, who fought me mercilessly. I thank the Lord, who showed me His great help and ineffable mercy during the service of the liturgy in the cathedral and the funeral service for the wife of the merchant Luka Popov and for the uncondemned communion of the Holy Mysteries, which revived my soul, deadened by sins. I thank the Lord for the unfailing funeral service, the lithium service before dinner in Alekseev’s kitchen. I thank the Lord for delivering me from the cold, prodigal demon that attacked me violently and mercilessly. The Lord accepted my rather lengthy repentance, especially when I prayed before the christening at the young Romashev’s outside the city. After this I performed baptism with a solemn voice. I thank the Lord, who has now again delivered me through the prayer of repentance from the prodigal demon who attacked me maliciously, forcibly at this hour (twelfth night). Wednesday. The Lord God gave extremely much to man in creation, providence, and redemption: he was created in the image and likeness of God, made king of the earth and, as it were, a friend of God (Abraham was called the friend of God [James 2:23] and the son of God); To redeem him from the Fall, the curse of the righteous and eternal death, God Himself became incarnate, taught, enlightened him, did good in every possible way, healing all sorts of diseases, raising the dead, finally suffered, died and was resurrected, made him a partaker of His Body and Blood, gave birth to water and the Spirit, sealed him with the seal of the sanctity of the Holy Spirit, promised him the resurrection from the dead and immortality. But look, man, infinitely much has been given to you - much is required and will be required of you at the Judgment of God. You must know the will of God and keep the commandment, love God with all your heart, with all your thought, with all your strength, and most of all, not to cleave to earthly things, to any creature, to live purely, holy, not to be defiled by worldly passions, especially fornication, intemperance, to hate malice, envy, selfishness, pride, laziness, negligence, freethinking, etc. - otherwise you will be punished according to your inheritance with eternal torment as one who trampled upon the blood of the Son of God, the blood of the covenant, besides which no more atoning sacrifice can be found. Look! While spending your time of life with fear and working out your salvation and transformation at such a high price, do not slumber and do not sleep. After mass. I thank the Lord for the gift of unfaltering service of the Divine Liturgy with tenderness and tears and for renewal in the communion of the Divine Mysteries. Oh, what bliss it is to taste the Divine Mysteries! What a life-giving, renewing, pacifying, new-creating power! What spiritual sweetness! What a joy! What lightness! What a space of the heart! God! I will experience a feat when I meet the strong, rich, noble, experienced court archpriest Gabriel Lyubimov during the memorial service, mass service and funeral service of Alexei Neustroev; Grant me the grace to stand before him unblemished, not cowardly, not servilely, not jealously or zealously out of embarrassment, in simplicity of heart, in peace, with dignity, with love, especially with love. The heat is intense: at night - 20 degrees Celsius and during the day today 34 or 35 degrees. Your lamb Eugenia thirsts for You, O Lord, for Your praise, for Your communion. Unite You with all your destinies, sanctify, confirm, glorify. Blessed is he who hungers and thirsts for righteousness: for they shall be satisfied [Matthew 5:6]. Having the all-generous, generously gifted Lord as my property, what else do I thirst after communion of His Most Pure Body and Blood? Having eternal life within me, why do I cleave to the blessings of this mortal life, which feed only my soul-crushing passions? Having the very source of peace within me, why do I subject myself to confusion because of vain things? O earthly, unreasonable, passionate heart! Evening. What a great and grave trouble I fell into both mentally and physically that day when I met the Brown family on the Oranienbaum pier from the incontinence of my heart and eyes, when his youngest daughter Alexandra came up to greet me! The wicked and unclean one caught, caught me and crashed into my soul with his deadly, heavy, hellish foot and pressed and crushed me for an hour and a half before the departure of the steamer, during the passage and after leaving it until the end of the litany over Neustroev. During the hellish cramps, I repented, begged the Lord with all my prayers, in all ways - the Lord seemed not to hear me, He turned His eyes away. Finally, He extended His saving right hand, delivering from sin and hardship and driving out the author of all uncleanness. May I live in complete purity of heart.