Июнь 1880 г.

I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the evil lust that came upon me last night at twelve o’clock at night, when I was sitting at [...]. I bring thanks to the Lord for the sublime thoughts and feelings during the Sunday all-night vigil and for the sublime and all-encompassing prayer to the Lord for everyone and everything, during which I was spiritual, exalted, peaceful, blessed, for I felt the breath of the Spirit of God within me. After mass. Woe and alas (!) I felt during mass, either from fatigue with a puzzling composition (sermons), then from little sleep, then from gluttony (a little beer, drank wine, ate broth, a little meat, and finally a glass of milk), then from not serving for two days, weakness, painful nerves, rage of the reproductive parts, the unbearable malice of the devil terribly tormented me, suppressed, constrained me: I writhed, shrank, worried and irritated by the captain and others standing at the altar of Popov. After communion I calmed down. I read the pulpit quite well, the entire release was complete. After Vespers. I thank the Lord, who showed His greatest mercy and power in me in the service of the liturgy and in the communion of His Divine and life-giving Mysteries, with which He decisively revived me, deadened by my sins and illness of the head and entrails. He celebrated Mass with His grace, mercy and help without stumbling. The Lord showed His greatest mercy and His Divine power in me even after Vespers, when I, greatly agitated, oppressed, darkened, shamed, killed by the enemy through anger at the watchman who had spilled wooden oil on the floor near the local icon of the Savior and at the very carpet that I had obtained, in deep repentance, with faith and hope, I fell repeatedly before the throne of His grace (in Church of the Intercession chapel), and, although the enemy hellishly evilly tried to stay in me, finally, through my strengthened and persistent, firm faith, by the invincible goodness and power of God, I was expelled from my insides - I was pardoned and received peace and freedom with boldness. Well, there was a struggle - for life or death; the enemy was extremely stubborn, angry, tormented, sardonic, tormented, but the power and mercy of God prevailed: the merits of the Lord, who suffered for me, redeemed me, and I was delivered from hell, truly from hell. Oh, how proud, earth-loving, and passionate I am! Because of the spilled oil on the marble floor and because of the imaginary damage to the carpet, I became angry and embittered with man, a creature in the image of God, whose soul is higher, dearer, more honorable than the whole world; I fell away from love, meekness, gentleness, I destroyed the entire law of God, which consists of love. I teach others, but I haven’t learned it myself. It’s easy to teach others without doing what you teach yourself; but you must certainly fulfill in advance what I teach. And he came to vespers sleepy. You should not sleep before Vespers, or if you sleep, then get up an hour before Vespers, so that you can go vigorously to the service of God, so that the enemy cannot accidentally throw down half-asleep and unprepared for battle. (I had a headache this morning and my stomach felt disordered, stiff from indigestion or from an accumulation of waste; after mass the pain gradually went away.) How can we not see through the sweetness of the food and drinks of their subsequent stench and decay, and the stench and decay of the womb that receives them, and the whole body, when it is separated from the soul that enlivened and beautified it? How can we not see through the tenderness and beauty of the face and the entire human body its future coarseness, ugliness, decay, stench and finally the dust into which it will turn after death, or its coarseness, ugliness and flabbiness in a person’s advanced years? How are we seduced by decay and are not surprised at the Creator, who created such a beautiful body from dust, and are we not captivated by His love, His infinite beauty, incorruptible, eternal, original, original, primary? How do we stop at the shadow and not see the truth? How do we dwell on what is transitory like smoke and forget the Eternal and Ever-present? Truly sin has blinded us and often does not allow us to see light and truth, spins us around like head over heels 124 and presents us with all things inside out. But the truth must triumph - the enemy will not forever curse God’s verbal creation, the flatterer and murderer of the human race must receive retribution from the Righteous Creator and Judge, and let us heed ourselves and the word of God, like a lamp shining in a dark place. The enemy devil, inciting me to be angry with the watchman for spilling the oil, slandered him greatly, presenting to me his act as extremely grave and unforgivable, almost malicious, and painting me a picture of future careless handling of wooden oil. But in reality it turned out that he accidentally pushed the lamp, and it fell and broke... He then washed everything well... Thank God that the devilish storm passed without much harm. Oh, how weak is my heart, fat, rude, unclean, full of troubles and sorrows and countless deaths from gluttony and satiety and worldly addictions, just as rude, sinful, deadly! But how peaceful, strong, subtle, pure, light it is, imbued with true life and bliss, when it is united by faith and love with God, the true Life! Meanwhile, due to long-term habit, I never cease to cleave to the perishable things of the world! I thank the Lord, who gave me the grace to perform the Divine Liturgy without stumbling with my tongue and miraculously revived me, dead in sins, through the communion of His Divine Mysteries: I felt the streams of spiritual life miraculously penetrating all my insides, and I thanked the Lord; but soon my soul was killed through an evil, disgusting look at one ugly baby brought to the Holy Chalice. I sincerely repented in my heart of my sin, and the Lord had mercy. Why do we still cleave to the earth, when our nature is seated with Jesus Christ in heaven, on the throne, and Jesus Christ entered there as our forerunner? Oh, foolishness! Oh madness! Denying your essential benefit! The holy saints, understanding by the grace of God the whole price of eternal blessings, hastily rejected all worldly lusts and loved God with all their hearts. And we prefer the unimportant to the infinitely important! Wednesday. A strong flow of scrofulous matter opened at night. The day before and the day before, I felt something awkward, heavy, foreign, rotten, lifeless in my stomach and my head hurt, my voice was unclean, weak, painful. I thought that my stomach was clogged (and this is partly true, because for some time I had been going out of order to relieve myself), but it turned out that scrofulous matter had accumulated in the stomach or near the stomach, which began to flow at night, although it had flowed a little earlier, for two or three days. Now it has become easy for me, but it was hard, sad, awkward. I thank the Most Pure Incorruptible Mother of God, consumer of corruption, for in my ears there was cotton paper dipped in oil from Her holy icon in my office. (And the soda powder I drank in the evening, at the suggestion of Anna Konstantinovna, by the will of the Mother of God, who watches over all, had a beneficial effect.) Take more. Mother of the Virgin Lady, Treasure of purity, exude purity of heart and body to me and to all of us; Treasure of wisdom, give us the spiritual wisdom we need for salvation, for avoiding sin and for doing good deeds! Amen. Wednesday. Morning. I thank the Lord, who triumphed with His grace, mercy and power over all the machinations of the ethereal enemies, who greatly offended and embarrassed me at the beginning of Matins because of my suspiciousness regarding the strange act of my sister-in-law Anna Tsvetkova. All the deadly dirty tricks of my enemies disappeared like smoke, and with the greatest spiritual joy, I cheerfully and solemnly sang and read the canons and said litanies, prayers, dismissals. Glory to the mercy and benevolence of my Master and God, the Lord Jesus Christ! Be filled with the Spirit, speaking to yourselves in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody in your hearts to the Lord [Eph.5:18-19]. I thank and glorify my Lord Jesus Christ with the Father and the Holy Spirit for the wondrous, sovereign deliverance of my unworthiness from the fierce machinations of the enemy in me at the time when I was going to the gymnasium in the morning at nine o’clock for the exam of the eighth graduating class students, and for the gift of peace and silence, light and strength and boldness with which I remained throughout the entire test. I thank the Lord, who, through the prayer of my faith and repentance, performed in me miracles of mercy and deliverance from the clutches of the devil during matins, into which I fell because of my inner bitterness towards the servant of God Paraskeva Ivanovna Kovrigina for her untimely approach to me for a blessing, for at that time (before matins on the street) I listened to the secrets of a completely different servant of God Catherine Stepanovna Soloukhina. Throughout Matins, throughout the entire canon, the enemy stung and tormented me, crushed me, destroyed me, until finally, through intense repentance and falling to the throne of grace, I completely got rid of his wiles. He celebrated Mass with great tenderness and tears. God bless. A man received life-giving communion and gave communion to twelve pious women. Glory to God in them and for them! I thank the Lord, who mercifully and quickly heard me, repenting of mental voluptuousness and felt in the movement of the heart and flesh, and who quickly delivered me from this sweetened, but fatal poison, and who gave me peace, freedom and spiritual sweetness, incomparable with any earthly sweetness. Oh, may I despise the blind sweetness of the earth and may I love forever, forever and ever, spiritual, imperishable, holy, incorruptible sweetness. Triple salvation. Friday. Gluttony, delicacy, frequent drinking of wine destroys me, my soul. Today, during Matins and early mass, I was in trouble from the temptations of the enemy, from his poisonous, deadly, insolent, violent stings. And at the end of the matins, when I saw the merchant Paraskeva Ilyinichna Andreeva, I, due to the action of my ethereal enemies and my passion, felt hostility towards her, which killed me: I began to strongly repent and pray to the Lord at the Holy Throne, may he deliver me from her, may he confirm me in love for everyone; I accused myself of pride, lust, gluttony, lack of love, malice, envy, justified her, tried to motivate myself to respect and Christian love for her (for for her wealth and for her stinginess, she disgusted me for not helping the poor, pleasing herself). How long will I not pity and love even obvious sinners as weak, sick in spirit, as those suffering from a common mental illness with me - sin, spiritual passions? For what is in them is also in me. I thank the Lord, who mercifully saved me from grief at the sexton for the untimely submission (as it seemed) of a note with names for the prayer service. I thank the Lord, who gave me the grace to pray with great faith and zeal in the apartment of Marya Ermolaevna Grechukhina. I thank the Lord, who mercifully and sovereignly delivered me from sorrow and crampedness and spiritual death for my repentance of indignation, reproaches and anger at the poor after the prayer service for the Grechukhins, and for deliverance from poisonous lust when looking at [...]. I thank You, Lord, as You dry up the streams of iniquity in me for repentance and faith, and always flow streams of life and truth to me by Your mercy; I thank You for cutting off the thorns of my passions. Be filled with the Spirit, speaking to yourselves in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody in your hearts to the Lord [Eph.5:18-19]. This means that those who sing secular songs, go to the theater, and read secular books without reading the Holy Gospel and other sacred books are filled with the spirit of this world; who spend their time eating and drinking and drunkenness and in various amusements. (I know from experience how I am filled with the Spirit when I read and sing to God in church, and how I am filled with the spirit of the world when I live for flesh and blood.) Love for God is incompatible with love for flesh and blood, that is, for our many-passionate flesh and that of others, human ones, for what compatibility is there between the church of God and idols?.. What does light have in common with darkness? What agreement is there between Christ and Belial? [ 2 Corinthians 6:16,14,15 ]. After Matins and early mass. Having seen during Matins the rector of Father Paul, engaged in an unrelated matter at the candle proceeds, and not in prayer, and not in the altar, in communication with us (as almost always happens: and before, under Father Matthew, the sacristan stood in the altar), I was very embarrassed by his usual inattention and lack of reverence and even became upset with him (this last is very bad) and could not calmly say the general funeral litany (parental Saturday of Trinity), for the devil afflicted and killed the soul. When he left the church, I became calmer. During mass, because of the same rector, because of his coldness towards the church and his carelessness about the divine service, I felt extreme embarrassment and hostility towards him (this is bad on my part!), and I often shrank and worried; then, because of the strain in the voice of sexton Mikhail Alekseevich, there was also grief and hostility towards him (bad!). Invisible snakes constantly stung me extremely, I constantly struggled, suffered; I was a martyr during Matins and Mass, but the Lord accepted my heartfelt repentance and drove away the invisible serpents and granted me peace. After communion of the Holy Mysteries, he wonderfully revived me, renewed me, and consoled me. Glory to the Lord! During the memorial service at Lebedev’s, I felt extremely sad because of my cowardice because of the abbot and because of his dislike, because of his cold, arrogant attitude towards me and the other brethren. Of course, it was necessary to show importance befitting the rank, but not to put on airs without measure and not to neglect the customs of brotherhood, as he did (he did not deign to distribute candles to the brethren himself and does not serve the all-night vigil together on holidays). However, grant me, Lord, to see my sins and not look at the shortcomings of my neighbor and not prescribe for him a course of action and manners of treatment, but to cover everything with love and seeing as if not to see. And to know more than yourself, for each one will answer for himself and each one will bear his own burden [Gal.6:5]. The Church is paradise, and holy and righteous people are living trees of God’s paradise, bearing branches of goodness, bearing the fruits of virtue. Therefore, how decently and edifyingly the church is decorated with icons of the holy saints of God. The Lutheran and Anglican churches are deprived of the best ornament and edification in persons and [likenesses]. Trinity Day began for me with severe temptations during early mass. I got up early, at four o'clock in the morning, prayed a little and, preoccupied with the sermon, began to write - the sermon did not go well, the mental stress tired me and finally became extremely tired. I went to mass in a painful, nervous irritation. Before mass and during it, the usual grave devilish machinations depressed me. I got rid of them with a prayer of repentance - I thank the Lord. But when at the great entrance the enemy struck my heart with weakness, paralysis to the point that I could not speak the names of the heir and heiress with my son, I fell into a murmur against the Lord, that the Lord does not help me to step on the serpent and the scorpion and all the power of the enemy [Luke 10:20], while they step on me and trample me so brazenly on such solemn days in the face of a multitude of people; I grumbled, lost heart, but did not despair, and again began to beg the Lord for mercy. As far as he asked, he was pardoned. He performed the Canon of the Eucharist quite peacefully, although not entirely, but when it came to the commemoration of the Holy Synod and the Metropolitan, the disembodied enemy again came upon me, laid his heavy paw on me, killed me again and, due to my cowardice, did not allow me to calmly pronounce the title of Metropolitan - some kind of false fear and shame struck my soul. I received communion calmly, into the world of spiritual forces, but the nervous irritation did not end: when I gave communion to small children and while reading the prayer behind the pulpit, I was confused by the action of vile demonic forces and had to start the prayer behind the pulpit again, and again I did not finish it due to enemy action; said a short instructive word. Letting go could not speak from the shock of his soul at the action of the adversary and again fell into murmuring against God, which does not help, being all-good, all-powerful, all-knowing, all-present, all-cheerful. “And I myself am not worthy of help, as I have trampled so many times the gifts of His goodness and mercy through my carnality, gluttony, satiety, wine drinking, vanity, passion for animated, bodily beauty. The Holy Spirit made the apostles, martyrs, hierarchs, saints, ardent towards God and neighbor, heavenly, dispassionate, strong for all good, not inclined towards evil, renewed, enlightened. I thank my Lord for serving the early liturgy in the Assumption Church and for communion of His wonderful, loving, life-giving Mysteries, with which I was once again revived in spirit, cleansed, sanctified, pacified, freed from the devil’s possession and the devil’s machinations, especially during the wedding ceremony and the baptism of the baby at the hands of Captain Vladimir Pavlovich Verkhovsky. I performed these Sacraments solemnly, without stumbling, with great faith and zeal of God. Behold, I am still alive through You, my Lord, Lord! Glory to you, my belly, my breath, my light, my strength! Morning. I extremely condemn myself for the fact that on the evening of June 9 I ate a plate of veal and meat broth with greed (appetite), because due to my slightest need for food, which I consumed, although in small quantities, but in excess for my body, I burdened myself, and at night at home I could not sleep from the excess of food and burdening myself; had to get up repeatedly and make extraordinary, strong movements around the room so that the food would be turned to the benefit of the body. Oh, may my hand no longer rise to eat food, especially meat, at night, may I no longer anger my God, may I not be my own enemy, may my belly not be my god, may I not destroy my soul and my body. Grant me, Lord, the grace to always sincerely pray for the living and the dead and to sincerely bless in Your name all those who seek Your blessing; deliver me from the fear of the devil, which bedevils and kills me during public prayer. Evening. How can I describe the terrible, continuous, extremely arrogant and violent machinations of ethereal enemies over my soul before mass and during and after mass at the funeral service of the merchant Lebedev in our cathedral? How often the spirits of evil let their hellish stings into my heart, depressing me, tormenting me! But, on the other hand, how I will thank and praise my Lord, who solemnly, graciously and quickly delivered me from the spiritual death with which the demons struck me, from their stings, from their poison, from their hellish fire! Many times He saved me, surrounding me with the joys of deliverance. I received Holy Communion in a very life-giving way, I was comforted, strengthened, and rejoiced. At the funeral service, the exclamation was pronounced at the end of the litany calmly, firmly, and the prayer of permission was read firmly and loudly. Wednesday. After yesterday's hearty (with meat) dinner at the wake, I spent the night rather poorly - from heaviness and tightness in my sides and extreme restlessness of my reproductive organ. I also remind and command myself: eat neither meat nor fish, but be content with plant foods. Evening. I thank You, most merciful Lord, who delivered me three times (twice in the morning and once in the evening) from inner voluptuousness, when I, in repentance and a deep consciousness of my sinfulness, cried out to You with an inner cry for mercy, deliverance and cleansing of my sins. Grant me, Lord, the grace to always be faithful before You and right in all my ways, and besides You, not to desire any other corruptible, carnal, unclean sweetness, so that I may always keep in purity the church of Your Holy Spirit - my body, created 125 by Your most pure hands, and the bodies of all my neighbors, as far as possible and depending on me. What keeps us on the path of sin throughout our lives? - Charm, darkness, the violence of sin, our lack of faith, laziness and negligence. Due to some incomprehensible madness, we seem to forget or do not believe that our soul is immortal, that we will be resurrected in our bodies, that we will give an answer for our entire life, words, deeds and thoughts; we forget that the entire material world, as elemental, complex, will pass away; in its very nature it bears the beginning of destruction. Due to some kind of madness, we prefer to the Existing One and the All-Creator, the Primary Source and the Primary 126 of our earthly creatures, the transitory substance: flesh, its beauty, strength, pleasure, wealth, temporary glory - and we cling with our hearts to the creatures, and not to the Creator, with whom is all beauty, sweetness, wealth, light, strength, eternal life, eternal joy, eternal truth, shrine (the essence of our soul), inalienable peace, breadth, space. The very minute when, out of addiction or greed for food and drink, or money, or something else, you feel sorry for this decay for your neighbors in their need or need, you will fall away from love for God and your neighbors. You will break the entire Law of God, which consists of love, and you will die a soul that can only be resurrected by sincere repentance. Therefore, never spare what is necessary for your neighbor, no matter who he is - this is contrary to the Gospel; God will reward you. Because God loves a willing and not an unwilling giver [2 Cor. 9:7]. Remember also how willingly and diligently and with what love good people treat you and donate to you, and how often - this is the sincere deep love of these people, your spiritual children, for you! Learn from them this alpha and omega of the Christian law; Do not listen to the slander of the envious and murderous serpent. Be wise above, despise longer. Strive with all your might throughout your life to show love and helpfulness to everyone in everything; Learn the art of love and do not allow your ethereal and carnal enemies to mock you and rob you, your prudence, your faith and love, your peace of mind. (Because of [...], who often dined with us after tutoring lessons, about which we should rejoice and be content, for she is a member of Christ and His Church and our member. And you are the body of Christ, and individually members [1 Cor. 12:27]). I thank the Lord, who gave me great and rich mercy before the service of the litany for [Domnika], the servant of God outside the city, before whom I was embarrassed and received an ulcer in my soul for being upset with the abbot for acting unrighteously regarding my sexton (lack of firewood). I repented in secret and received mercy, peace, freedom. Then, in the cemetery church, the Lord had mercy on me, giving me the grace to perform the entire service without stumbling and to receive life-giving communion. After the litany at my mother’s grave, when my sexton Mikhail reminded me of the litany at my father-in-law and mother-in-law’s, I was offended, because I had served recently and did not want to serve now, although I served with regret for the sexton. In the almshouse, having repented, I again received forgiveness from God. Arriving home, I saw Pasynkova having dinner with us, and was very upset; I repented at home, reflected, prayed, and the Lord had mercy and reconciled me. When any passion is active in you, then do not say or do what your passion prompts and compels you to do, but say and do the opposite of it: for example, if you want to reprimand someone in bitterness and anger for a fault, real or apparent, then find something good in the actions of the culprit and praise for it, or don’t say anything at all, but say it later, when the anger has passed; and again, do not rush to reprimand, but let the ardor pass; or when you feel sorry for someone to eat and drink on the table and greed forces you not to invite strangers to the table, you, on the contrary, willingly and diligently offer food and drink, saying: please, eat again and again, you will please me. And always do this with honest people, so that they may bless you in their souls and glorify God for you and set you as an example to themselves and others. For this is how the name of God is glorified among people. Always depict the sign of the cross during divine services, especially during sacred rites and when blessing the people or outside of divine services for individuals, with attention and faith and with heartfelt conviction, and not somehow, not carelessly, not without strength and sluggishly, as you often did, for the sign of the cross is always for believers the power of God for salvation. Forgive me, Master Lord, all my former sins of lack of faith and negligence when depicting the sign of the cross on myself, on people, on things. I did not act out of love when I arrived home, seeing strangers dining with me: Pasynkova and K., sparing food and drink for them and not sparing them, but losing interest in them and feeling hostility towards them for supposedly my bread and salt. Oh, greed, pride, envy, unbrotherly love, love of money, lust, dislike, contempt, madness, dumbness, bestiality, bestiality, malice! I myself am constantly treated to kind people in the most hospitable way: they please me, they adore me, they caress me beyond measure, without sparing me they offer me the most pleasant and expensive food and drinks, when I’m full, they put it in my hands out of an abundance of spiritual zeal, but in relation to others I do the opposite: I regret it, I’m embarrassed, I’m oppressed in my heart, I’m shaking like Cain, I don’t want to look or talk to those being treated. my wife not according to my desire. But they are members of Christ, my members, my love: I should rejoice in their joy, be pleased with their pleasure; to internally enjoy their pleasure, to rest in their peace - as well as to grieve with their sadness, suffer with their suffering, be ill with their pains and illnesses, grieve with their sorrows, consider their stumblings, their shortcomings, failures, persecutions and bitterness as your own. I thank the Lord, who accepted repentance and had mercy on me when I thought and felt this way. Friday. I thank the Lord for the abyss of His mercy and power in me, unworthy, multi-passionate, for when a lot of evils poured into me due to my addiction to substances and my malice, envy, greed, stinginess, and I was burning internally as if in hell, and only I fell in repentance to the throne of grace in the hope of God’s mercy, when I immediately received the resolution of evils, illnesses, oppression and sorrow and death spiritual, received peace, freedom, boldness, space, health of soul and body and resurrection in spirit, rejoiced at such a great, wonderful deliverance of the Lord; and went to the exam with a good spirit. (The sexton Kamenogradsky was annoyed because of the money paid - a salary from the Duma.) I suspected him of malicious intent and vindictiveness. Before the eyes of my heart, by Thy mercy and power, the gates and gates of death in my soul are crumbling, and life is being built again in my damned soul, which died before by sins; You give me life as many times as I rise with sincere repentance, resorting to You, long-suffering and abundantly merciful. The sign of the cross on the forehead, heart and toes so that the Lord would constantly sanctify our thoughts, feelings, all deeds, so that the whole person would be holy incessantly; so that we devote ourselves entirely to God every day, and not live for ourselves, but for Him who died for us and rose again. Text and theme for All Saints Sunday. Be holy... [1 Peter 1:16]. We must all strive steadily towards holiness and perfection, as those born of water and the Spirit, as those taken as our own [1 Pet. 2:9]. Saturday. After the all-night vigil. I can do all things through Jesus Christ who strengthens me [ Phil. 4:13 ]: by His grace and power today at the all-night vigil, with the saying of absolution and prayer, Christ, the true Light, trampled under foot the serpent and the scorpion [ Luke 10:19 ], the lion and the serpent [ Ps. 91:13 ], which extremely frightened me and weakened me with my addiction. I fell with strong, unashamed faith to the Lord, sitting on the throne, and felt a wonderful stream of grace-filled power, a stream of God’s life, which healed the wounds of my heart and strengthened me. But while reading the Gospel, the evil adversary confused me, weakened my heart and struck me with my tongue, wounded me - but for repentance the Lord healed the serpent’s ulcer. God bless! Twelve o'clock at night. I thank the Lord, who, through the prayer of repentance, delivered me from creeping into corruption and gave me peace and incorruptibility. Oh, You constantly revive me, who was killed by sins, and grant me salvation again, bringing me into sonship, who lost it through sins. Damn my greed that last night, as often before, I ate fried fish, which is why I could not write a sermon and pray fervently, but as if in a drowsy state with a cold, insensitive heart, I could not sleep well at night due to tightness in my sides. Discrimination and contemplation, like carnal love, are a form of our absurd self-love: we love with animal love some people because, by their beauty, property, strength and influence, they bring satisfaction to our flesh and blood, but as soon as these conditions do not exist in them and they are sick, ugly, ugly, poor, powerless, with us, look, love will turn into hostility; True, Christian love relates mainly to the human soul and to all true, real bodily needs and never falls away because it is true and because its foundation is deep and solid. Love for God and neighbors and patience along with other virtues in saints are truly amazing; they have endured all sorts of hardships, sorrows, illnesses, exiles, persecutions, torments, for the sake of God and the Kingdom of Heaven, but we do not want, we are lazy to curb our greedy belly and work not for God, but for the vile idol of the belly, which will be abolished, disappear, turning to dust and will no longer accept anything. It is better to upset a sinful man than the Lord God. Evening. I want to offer thanks to You, my Lord God, for Your countless benefits shown to me on this day from the morning until now. For help during the service of memorial services, the late liturgy, for giving the word for preaching to people, for prayers after the liturgy (at the foundation of the house of Afan. Gavrilov, at Lieutenant Pel on the occasion of his departure for an overseas voyage to the Pacific Ocean, at Korshunov, at five and a half o'clock in the evening; for evening memorial services and a prayer service in the house of Brusov; for parting words to the sick in the house of Konovalov). I thank You, Lord, for your repeated deliverance from my cramps during mass and for Your prompt obedience after my sincere repentance; So, when I went to church after Vespers and scolded two beggars, especially one of them, saying: You are like a thorn in my eyes, and threatened to completely drive him away, and that is why I felt sorrow and tightness in my heart, You forgave me my hardness of heart, rudeness and stinginess when I repented before the throne of Your glory in secret, and gave me peace, silence, boldness, space; and when I looked slyly in Konovalov’s house and (I was lying sick on [...]) I was wounded in my heart, and then now repented, - You returned to me peace, righteousness, integrity, freedom and boldness of spirit. Well, in a word, just as there is no number of my falls into sin, there is no number of Your mercies towards me, there is no number of Your salvations, there is no number of renewals and renewals of the Holy Spirit. For all this, glory and thanksgiving to You: I thank You for Your reproofs and Your punishments, Most righteous Judge and All-merciful Father and Savior, as with divine zeal You are jealous of the holiness and integrity of Your image in me and the achievement by me of Your likeness, so that You may eternally unite me with Yourself and appropriate me to Yourself forever and ever. For nothing vile or unclean will enter Your Kingdom [Rev.21:27]. Monday. Today, regarding the rector’s resolution on the attitude of the police to expel the priest to the district court and report him against us, as if we were evading the fulfillment of religious services, or church services, I became extremely angry with him and scolded him in absentia, reviled him, reproached him for madness, love of money, miserliness, envy, hatred and malice, especially towards me. I could not tolerate untruth and lost my temper, responded to hatred with hatred, and responded to dislike with dislike, impatience, irritation, and cursing. And thus he broke the whole law of the Lord Jesus Christ, which is love. I should have indifferently endured the slander of the abbot, distinguished by his injustice and petty pickiness, hostility towards us, unworthy (I would correct us by my example); I should have handed over my case to the Judge of the righteous Lord Jesus Christ, who judges without partiality not only deans and superiors, but also kings, and, while doing the truth, be at peace and not pay attention to the evil, out of envy and vexation, who will bring slander and untruth against us. For this is what the Lord did in the days of His flesh: he who was reproached did not reproach, when he suffered did not rebuke, 127 but committed His work to the righteous Judge - His Father [1 Pet. 2:23], so the Holy Church teaches us daily to surrender ourselves and each other and our whole life to Christ our God. And in absentia I myself began to breathe hatred, abuse, ill will toward him, threats, to tell him this and that, that is, his lies. He justified himself (oh, imaginary righteousness! oh, the abyss of sin), and blamed him for everything (although, by the way, he himself is really to blame for many things, but this is none of my business: I must know my sins). So, I turned out to be the most guilty of all, in fact, through my rage, hatred, impatience, cursing, my frustration and mental confusion. I destroyed the law of love and peace, did not fulfill the words and advice that I myself offered to the people in church sermons, and I turned out to be a ringing brass and a clanging cymbal [1 Cor. 13:1], a liar, a hypocrite, saying one thing and doing another. I repent with all my soul of all this and of all my sins and ask for mercy from the Lord, for the enlightenment of the eyes of my heart, blinded by pride, lust, pride and malice, and peace and silence with my brethren for the future. I pray to the Lord to enlighten the eyes of our hearts and our rector, may he not breathe hostility, envy, slander towards us, but may he live with us in brotherly love and appreciate our labors in the parish and in the church as his collaborators, building the common good of the parishioners and the parable. I thank the Lord, who now, through prayer of repentance and spiritual reflection, has delivered me from the delusion of fornication and who has given me peace, spiritual freedom and sweetness, space and boldness. Oh, how good it is to walk the path of God’s commandments and to be united with God! How bad, how disastrous, how shameful it is to violate the commandments of God, in which our life consists - temporal and eternal! Thanks and glory to our wonderful, all-merciful God for the gift of wonderful weather: on June 15, excellent, warm weather with intermittent rains began: all nature dressed in a cheerful, flowery, fragrant, festive outfit. All creation loudly praises the Lord. I thank the Lord for repeatedly delivering me from the passions and sorrows that beset me, the tightness and loss of spirit, every time I sincerely ran to Him in repentance. Sunday. I thank the Lord, who, at my request, gave me the grace to perform the Divine early Liturgy without stumbling, to say at the great entrance all the names of the Holy Synod and the Metropolitan after the consecration of the Holy Gifts, the entire pulpit, the sermon and the dismissal. A priest must be holy in body and spirit and lead others to holiness. He must hate with all his soul every sin - fornication, lust, envy, anger, pride, laziness, intemperance, self-interest, hard-heartedness and other sins; contemplation, partiality, hypocrisy and other sins. He must be holy to the Lord, like the ancient Old Testament high priests, who had the inscription on their foreheads: holy to the Lord [Exodus 28:36]. Eleven and a half o'clock in the evening. I thank the Lord, who worked in me a great miracle of mercy and salvation during the all-night vigil (in the cathedral), which I stood in preparation for early mass the next day: the Lord gave me tears of tenderness and washed away with them the mortal mire of my sins, committed in the heart and by touching the head and face of the girl with passion. I had previously felt the corruption of my heart, tightness, sorrow, but now by the grace of God I have been renewed, cleansed, sanctified, and revived. It has been given to me to be rational in essence and to be immaculate and holy by grace; I must use attention, diligence, compulsion, work, sometimes very hard, so that I do not dream too much about myself and appreciate the gifts of God achieved by my labors. How did you, man, turn the instruments of life into instruments of death (the law of procreation and its organs), the instruments of goodness into instruments of death, the instruments of God's wisdom into instruments of your madness, the instruments of God's sweetness into instruments of devilish lust, the instruments of truth into instruments of sin, the instruments of holiness into instruments of untruth and defilement? Why do you, wonderful, beautiful, unblemished, blissfully constructed creature, curse your Creator with your absurd sensuality? If the deacon or sexton or the priest himself, serving with you, are careless and hasty in serving or are proud and arrogant, do not be afraid or ashamed of them and do not stand on ceremony with them, but look, speak and act sincerely, openly, courageously, without in the least easing either them or yourself: a concession to them would be a concession to the devil, just as a concession and indulgence to yours weaknesses. Do the same with everyone who is related to you in your service: act with everyone sincerely, in truth, loving God more than people and not pandering to human weaknesses, for pandering leads to strengthening them both in them and in yourself. Be strict with yourself and others; Have salt in yourself and share it with others, so that you and them may have a good taste, pleasing to God. I condemn myself for regretting (during the liturgy) that I was not invited to the funeral service for Ekaterina Shchetinina, but only the archpriest and father Alexander. For why did I want to be at the funeral service? In order to receive money in due time, and not in order to pray with love for the repose and forgiveness of her sins - out of greed, pride, gluttony, addiction to dust and negligence for the soul, for its salvation, I wanted to be at the funeral service! Oh, greed! Oh, ridiculous pride! Oh, falling away from God, from faith in Him, trust in Him, from love for Him! Oh, madness and audacity, oh, absurdity! But all my contentment must be in God, who is all good for me: He provides for me and for everyone, He gives everything... On St. Peter's Day and together on Sunday about the apostolic and priestly God-given power to forgive sins... With what gratitude, faith, hope, love should one use the grace of the forgiveness of sins; with what holy intention and what zeal should one flow to repentance, how to correct oneself, to improve in every virtue! Sunday's Gospel is about simplicity of heart, non-guilefulness, non-dividedness of heart when serving, about the superiority of the soul, which we forget, and about how we daily trample on the soul and its needs and how we care about the corruptible body, putting our lives upside down! Orthodox members of the Russian kingdom must always remember that they are together members of the spiritual, eternal, omnipotent Kingdom of Christ, members of the Church of God and, remembering, not forget at all times - in times of peace and battle, in prosperity and evil, in health and illness, in happiness and misfortune, in poverty and wealth, in noble and simple lot, to devote themselves entirely to Christ God, to call diligently as the name of the Lord God, as well as the Most Holy and Most Pure Mother of God and all the saints, glorify and thank for their good deeds. The Church teaches this in its liturgical rites. How holy a priest should live, uniting almost daily with the All-Holy in the life-giving Mysteries! I was extremely languid, heavy, sweating (and my stomach was twitching with pain) before heavy rain, with a southwest wind on June 24 and 25. Today, thank God, despite the heavy rain that began at night, I am healthy. I didn’t sleep for a long time at night, but after reading the rules for communion, thank God, I fell asleep. After early mass. I sinned against the Lord and before people and before myself, that I had in my soul the strongest indignation and almost bitterness towards the rector of the cathedral, Paul, who had enriched himself beyond measure with his greed, hard-heartedness and unrepentant unmercifulness towards the poor and towards the clergy who were completely indifferent, inhospitable, arrogant; and with him he was indignant at all the strong and rich on earth, living in hardness of heart and unmercifulness, collecting only for themselves, and not growing rich for God, and jealously wished them all the death of their deeds. Oh, may they know that they themselves are dust and insignificance and that an unmerciful judgment awaits them, as they have not shown mercy and have been a stumbling block to many. But, Lord, strengthen me in love for these very people, although often the old ones, for they have become stubborn in their hardness of heart and in their other sins, and we must lovingly pray for them to God, who can deliver their souls from eternal death; and indeed, I myself am not without sin, not without sins and infirmities, and even serious ones. I thank the Lord, who showed me the sign of His mercy many times yesterday, but especially during the all-night vigil, when I was overcome by an evil despondency at the sight and hearing of the serving rector and sexton of Kamenograd. To avoid this despondency, I prayed for them, that the Lord God might remember them in His mercy and change their hearts, as well as my heart. And the Lord did this to me and to them. The archpriest kindly asked me to send him a piece of newspaper talking about the spiritual court: I promised to send it without fail (and now I’m taking it!). After that, I read the canon to the Tikhvin miraculous icon of the Mother of God solemnly, without stumbling; sexton Dmitry Kamenogradsky resigned himself. What a pity that sin does not die in me, but lives and acts and plays dirty tricks in me incessantly, and that hitherto I accept its absurd dreams in me as something real and am embarrassed by them, lose peace of mind, fall into cramped conditions, despondency, melancholy! Oh, the struggle, the struggle with sin! When will you end? When will I stop fighting with you? – Only with death: death is for a husband (man) to have peace [Job.3:23]; in this regard, death is desired as the end of the war against the most absurd and evil and crafty sin. I thank the Lord for deliverance yesterday, during the all-night vigil, for deliverance through the prayer of repentance from the destructive effects of carnal movements and the gift of true life to the heart and bodily organs, and for deliverance from intense feelings towards the sexton of Kamenograd, who missed a lot of services (especially parimia). To eradicate the old man within oneself with all our might and in every possible way, for in me and in other people there is a strange double-mindedness at the same time: for example, during prayer, a new person prays, glorifies, thanks - the old one blasphemes; one is benevolent - the other is not, one strives for holiness and truth - the other for sin and untruth. The grace of God is my true life, my true, imperishable sweetness, my true, imperishable, most beloved beauty, my strength, my glory, my wisdom, my joy, my blessedness, my peace, my space (the whole world of God, heaven and earth with grace are mine), my wealth, my fame, my loud trumpet, my unceasing singing, my praise, my prayer. When resolving the sins of the repentant, reverently look with the eyes of your heart at heaven, for from there descends grace and the power to forgive human sins, the most gracious, invaluable grace. Away with animal instincts and passions, which remove me from God and His grace and plunge me into spiritual and physical corruption! The sign of the cross on the forehead, on the heart and on the shoulders so that the Father God always sits in the mind, the Son of God in the heart and the Holy Spirit in all will, in all actions; so that the Holy Trinity always penetrates our entire being and controls us, also to crucify sinful thoughts, feelings and aspirations and devote our mind, heart and will entirely to God. Alas for me! How sinful, deceitful, carnal, passionate, weak, shaky my heart is! Yesterday I saw the open breast of a girl during the liturgy and hesitated, was embarrassed, alarmed and barely begged the Lord to deliver me from trouble, for I had brought myself to such passion! This is what addiction to decay, dust, and hay can lead to! And if I despised everything earthly, then I would be like Mount Zion - unshakable and my world would be like a river. But my heart still often doubles! And how much trouble I have from this duality! I sinned yesterday by repeatedly slandering and condemning Abbot Paul in absentia for the unsuitability, heartlessness, and stupidity of his ministry, and especially of his preaching (albeit extremely rarely). The gift of good, heartfelt, fruitful service comes from God, not from us. What do you have that you wouldn't get? And if you received it, why do you boast as if you didn’t receive it? [ 1 Corinthians 4:7 ]. Pray to God that the All-merciful One will give both you and the rector the gift of heavenly service, angelic, fiery, holy, fruitful. The service of early mass yesterday in the main St. Andrew's Church was extremely painful due to severe struggles, temptations, and the wiles of demons, from which the Most Merciful One saved me through the prayer of repentance and faith. Every trifle irritated and angered me extremely, especially the deacon’s ineptitude in serving (I read the verses of the canon on the Blessed Ones without the blessed ones). The sacramental verse was not sung, but the stichera. I was extremely agitated and barely calmed down after consuming the Holy Sacrament. After late mass, when, with the intention of testing the rector, I suggested to him that he invite the brethren for a pie or tea for the holiday and for the sake of his Angel's day, and he flatly refused, I again became extremely embarrassed and fell into acute distress, from which I got rid of by repentance and faith, often falling before the holy throne. I feel that the abbot is an ungracious, cold, dead, heartless person, completely immersed in selfishness and selfishness, self-deification, a cunning, crafty, proud person, calculating, unfriendly, disdainful, who does not speak good about anyone, and almost always evil. May the Lord judge us. May the Lord enlighten both his and our heartfelt eyes to mutual peace, respect and love. What does he have that he would not accept by the Lord’s grace alone, and not by his own deeds? And he does not want to see this, thinking that he accepts everything according to his deeds, all the wealth of material gifts. Oh, blindness! Oh, free madness! But let's see where your wealth will go!.. The Lord will allow us to see in shame of the blindness and madness of human passions. And now the daughters are already traveling around Russia. May the Lord see and judge. And the poor, the poor, are always treated with contempt by the abbot. God! When will you open the eyes of his heart? How long will he be a stumbling block for me and others with his views, thoughts, and actions that are anti-Gospel? And he is exalted, he is also a righteous man, he reproaches those who are righteous!.. However, what? He is a righteous man and has no need to propitiate the Lord with alms and the cleansing of sins, but I am truly the greatest sinner, and I have every day need of God’s mercy and the cleansing of my sins with Divine sacrifices. I thank the Lord for delivering me from the greatest temptations to which I was subjected due to my passion, pride, suspicion, anger, gluttony, and ambition; On the 30th, because of the rector Paul, when he went to the cathedral funeral service in the lower cathedral, and I finished the service of God in the choir in the chapel, an extreme enemy inflamed me against the rector (for his stinginess and intractability, cruelty towards the poor, although I myself am hard-hearted and unmerciful); and on July 1, before the end of the mass, the enemy ignited a spark of displeasure against Father Alexander Taratin to the point of anger at him for deceiving him, that he wanted to come to baptize a child in the church to whom he gave prayer, and did not come, saying that the next priest would baptize... For a long time I was tormented by anger, and already in the Assumption Church an hour later, when I was there placing the Holy Gifts in the Monstrance and falling zealously to the altar, denouncing myself, the Lord delivered me from evil enemies. Oh, there is no humility, goodness, simplicity, meekness, or patience in me! Weren't we doing God's work? Shouldn’t all service to God and the salvation of others be considered happiness? We don't have this in us. We all need self-interest, not the glory of God, not the salvation of the souls of our neighbors. We willingly rush to where our material benefit is, and where there is common benefit and a common circle, we are not always willing to go there, especially to the poor. How many times the Lord saved me, and except for the mentioned case during Matins and Mass - there is no number! Glory to God the Savior! Kubar (obsolete) – children's toy, top. Zdati (Church Slavic) – create, create, build. Wine (Church Slavic) – cause, source. Forbid (Church Glav.) – prohibit, hinder.