Апрель 1880 г.

What kind of ridiculous dreams on the part of the prince of darkness? As soon as there is a more or less solemn service to God in church or in houses, especially noble and rich ones, fierce storms and machinations from demons, fears, fears, temptations, confusion, and overcrowding begin. What kind of ghosts? We must defeat them by the power of grace, by the faith of Christ and be calm in front of people of every kind, title, status, for all people are the sheep of God, and we are their shepherds; One must behave with dignity in front of sheep. Six and a half o'clock in the evening. God! I thank You for Your speedy, glorious, all-merciful, sovereign deliverance of my weakness from cramped conditions, sorrow and confusion, when I went to a memorial service (in Sinebryukhov’s former house on the ditch) for the peasant Agathon. And grief and cramped conditions befell me in the apartment of the gymnasium teacher Titkov, where I served a prayer service for the birthday girl Maria (Nikolaevna) and did not say dismissal, but knocked it down and mixed it up and stole it at the end of the prayer service; Usually the enemy confused me by intimidating me. I prayed to the Lord to deliver me forever from this shame, from this cowardice and fear of demons. Ten and a half o'clock in the evening. Alas for me, the accursed one, that I still do not have Christian love, for I am upset in my soul with the brethren because of the slightest, real or apparent error, omission, malfunction, I am embarrassed and covered with a cloud of sadness and irritability, so that I cannot speak during prayer. This happened today at Adamovich’s evening funeral service due to the fact that Deacon Poletaev never kissed hands or handed over the censer for blessing. I recognized my grave sin, repented, and the Lord had mercy on me. I destroyed the entire law of God, which consists of love, in an instant and pleased the demon, damned one. Oh, how necessary it is to be a child of malice and to have a simple, and not an evil, heart-eye, but I still imagine, I see evil in my neighbor, just as yesterday in my brother Vladimir, and yet after the funeral service, walking along the road and talking together, I became convinced that there was no evil in him against me. O Satan the hunter! My scarecrow and my scarecrow! Get away from me in the name of the Lord! Last night I ate quite a bit of fresh fish soup, and I felt bad from the excess: my fish soup became hard in my stomach, it became heavy, and I was overcome with perspiration in the evening and at night. So eat for the second time in a row. Wednesday. I thank You, Lord, for the miracles of Your salvation performed in me through the prayer of repentance, for You saved me from the all-evil demons who cast their anger into me like kindled coals with the assistance of the psalmist Demetrius of Kamenograd, who proudly, contemptuously and maliciously treated me during Matins, especially at the end when singing stichera in verse. You have saved me many times, O Lord, my salvation, my sweetness, my life, my breath, my strength, my peace, my renewal, my boldness. Six o'clock in the evening. I thank the glorified Lord for the speedy acceptance of my repentance and for delivering me from the tightness and sorrow that struck my soul at the end or at the end of the memorial service for the deceased girl Elena Adamovich, which took place at twelve o’clock in the afternoon. (Deliverance followed in the gymnasium in the fourth grade.) Ten o'clock in the evening. I thank the Lord, who quickly heard me when I was in General Adamovich’s apartment, when I was sitting in the office with others, waiting for the time of the funeral service, and who soon delivered me from cowardice, despondency, fear, fear, cramped conditions, from God knows where and why, which surged into my soul and killed it, poor one. The Lord immediately extended His life-giving hand to me and brought me out of the shadow of death, giving me peace and life. It was difficult to sing and speak at the funeral service due to some powders in the air. Brothers and sisters! You bring into the house of prayer, be it a church or a private house where you are going to pray, your moral atmosphere, which is often very suffocating, unclean, dead and kills me. Everyone is surrounded by their own spiritual atmosphere, and how dead, unclean, and nasty it is for some! And how hard it is to serve then! Having in mind and in hope of the unshakable and eternal Kingdom of the Lord Christ God, do not hesitate at all in choosing virtue and in completely renouncing sin, stand firmly, unshakably on the rock of Christ’s commandments. Although disembodied enemies greatly shake our souls with worldly passions, we must look even more firmly to the Lord, the Author and Perfecter of our faith, the Lord Jesus Christ, with the prayer of repentance and confession, may he help us in our weaknesses and deliver us from the hand of resistant forces. God! I thank You, for You quickly delivered me through my prayer from the manifestations of lust and did not allow me to become corrupted by the flesh. Preserve me to the end for the sake of imperishable life. How cunning and cunning is the unclean spirit in inventing means to seduce us into unchastity! Today in a dream he appeared to my eyes in the form of Ekaterina Pavlovna Trachevskaya, offended by her father and crying, half dressed in an underdress and sitting on the stairs, arousing the sympathy and compassion for herself from those passing by, of course from me, as I often pass by, and yet she is a trap! Oh, hellish cunning! But the women who were there - my wife and others who took part in it - did not allow me to look at her or talk to her any longer. It is the Guardian Angel and the power of the cross that protects me. What is the evil mirage of the devil? This is when the spirit of malice puts malice towards everyone into our soul, presenting to us all people or most of them as evil towards us, unkind, malicious, vengeful, crafty. He fans this anger towards people in us, intensifies it, like a flame of fire, like a deadly poison. Against this mirage you need immediate repentance, self-condemnation, forcing yourself to sincere love for everyone. The evil demon constantly slanderes us against people, arousing evil suspicion towards them and kindling our hearts with hellish malice. There is a mirage of fornication, when both in us and in the persons around us, especially women, the demon of fornication represents everything in an unclean, prodigal form: movements, looks, words, thoughts, feelings. In contrast to this unclean mood, it is necessary to imagine the nature of people, and in particular the female nature, as pure, redeemed, sanctified, deified through baptism, confirmation, and communion; if it is common for all people to sin, as fallen creatures, it is also common for them to rise by the grace of God, which always seeks our correction and salvation, and God is able to raise every person. In a similar way, there is a mirage of envy, love of money, lust, carnality, contemplation, and partiality. Remedies against all sorts of demonic mirages: prayer, contemplation of God, abstinence, contrition and tears for sins, almsgiving, reading the word of God, the writings of saints. After the funeral mass and funeral service for Adamovich’s daughter Elena. I thank You, Lord, for the glorious, life-giving miracles of Your salvation, revealed in me before communion of the Holy Mysteries (tears of tenderness), after communion, during which the enemy struck me with a memory of malice towards the sexton of Kamenograd; the tightness that followed communion with the memory of evil ceased with repentance and faith in the power of the Holy Mysteries and in the merits of the Savior, in His deliverance. Then, when the enemy stopped me with fear and doubt while reading the prayer of permission, and when spiritual distress, sorrow, melancholy, annoyance, and death befell me, I fell with great faith and repentance to the holy altar in the Intercession chapel and was immediately rewarded with deliverance, peace, freedom, and boldness. Nine o'clock in the evening. I thank the Lord, who has given me the boldness and strength to utter heartily all the words of the exclamation: We have heard, O God, our Savior and the prayers: Master of the Many-merciful and holy Gospel of the Reverend, although the devil was raging, plotting... When pronouncing the prayer for the blessing of the loaves, I did not fully pronounce the ending, namely: For You bless and sanctify all things, O Christ our God... Ribbons Vladimirskaya regretted that it would not smoke with heavy incense. Oh, the absurdity! Oh, stinginess! Oh, vain addiction, separating our soul from God and His grace, from His life and plunging the imperishable soul into death and decay! The soul, dearest in the whole world, is exchanged for a piece of beautiful perishable matter! Raised by the Lord into the heavenly things through adoption, deification, I am nailed to the earth, I become earthy, rude, blind, dead in soul. Oh, how earthly passions humiliate and destroy me, darken me, defile me, excommunicate me - oh, the horror! from love for God and neighbor, they are inspired to care not about immortal souls, not about alms, not about love according to God in general, but about corruptible bodies and soulless things that cannot give life to the soul. We are greedy not for God, not for virtue, but for perishable food and drink, for self-interest, for flesh and blood, for beauty of face, for momentary adornment of ourselves with clothing, the decoration of a temporary dwelling; We are not greedy for what is good for the soul, what decorates, nourishes, clothes, enriches it, but what is pleasant to the multi-passionate and corruptible flesh and is harmful to the soul, for it cools it towards God, separates it from His truth and holiness, His holy and blessed, perfect will regarding us, which plunges the soul into hunger, into darkness, powerlessness, ugliness, uncleanness. Alas for us! Having a soul in the image of God, the dearest and most beautiful of the whole world, immortal, created for the enjoyment of eternal blessings in the heavenly abodes, the non-evening light together with the Angels of glory, we do not seek, do not care about it, but senselessly enslave it to the unusual, ephemeral, momentary pleasures of the flesh, which, like smoke, passes and disappears! What tears this deserves! God! Before I even die completely, save me. Three o'clock in the afternoon. Lord, God of miracles! I thank You for your repeated deliverance during the Mass of the Presanctified Gifts from the all-poisonous, deadly, scorching malice of the devil at the sight of the rude, at times evil, hot-tempered, impudent cleric Demetrius of Kamenograd, against whom the devil aroused evil in me, scorching me with hellish fire. I repented every time the enemy aroused anger in me, asked for mercy and protection from the Lord, justified the reader, but accused myself, admitted our common sinfulness, weakness, temptations from the evil one common to all, admitting that the anger in man is feigned and comes from the leader of evil, that our soul itself, as the image of God, does not have anger in itself and it is unnatural to it and comes from the devil, and therefore we must pray diligently God, may He always enlighten the heartfelt eyes of people blinded by malice and soften their hearts, hardened by malice, making them good and meek. For man himself cannot do anything bad about himself. And just as hard as it was for me to feel anger in myself, it was so much more gratifying to receive remission of sins and to be rewarded with peace, freedom, and joy. After communion, the Lord miraculously revived me. But then soon the enemy greatly embarrassed me at the sight of the departing sexton Kamenogradsky, with whom I was indignant in my soul because he had never greeted me; I felt extremely cramped and saddened by the devil. But through the prayer of repentance and through faith in the Lamb of God, who takes away the sins of the world and mine, I was again healed by the Lord, especially in Captain Boyle’s apartment before the prayer service to the Savior and the Mother of God. What is bloodless martyrdom for Christ? This is an internal struggle with the passions instilled in us by the spirits of evil in heaven, with their malice, when they in every possible way incite us painfully to become angry with people, to envy, disobedience or to fornication, intemperance, gluttony, drunkenness, to despondency, despair and other passions. Our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the principalities and powers and rulers of the darkness of this world, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in high places [Eph.6:12]. And this inner martyrdom is difficult, painful: what a cramped hell, what a scorching fire! What despondency, despair! What darkness in the soul! What a conclusion in hell! But sincere faith in the Lamb of God, who takes away the sins of the world, with heartfelt repentance delivers us from this and all other oppressions. Let everyone who is drowned by the waves of Belial look to Him with hope, for with the Lord is mercy, and with Him is much deliverance [Ps. 129:6]. He who endures to the end will be saved [Matthew 10:22]. By your enduring you will gain your souls [Luke 21:19]. Due to eating fresh fish soup with ruffs and perches with black soft bread late in the evening yesterday (April 3), I suffered greatly from great tightness in the sides and weakness of the whole body at night and in the morning until one o'clock in the afternoon (until the second hour). And the enemy especially fired and pressed me. Serves me right, glutton! God has the womb [Phil.3:19]. To what height of the kingdom the Lord raised man by His incarnation and by His all-God-human, or God-manly, look at us, by His redemptive suffering, by His death, resurrection and ascension into heaven, by including us in the body of His Church and through the Sacraments of faith! And how we humiliate ourselves, how deeply we fall through our sins, through our worldly addictions, through our malice, through pride, envy, self-interest, fornication, theft, laziness, negligence, hard-heartedness, self-love, disobedience to the word of God and the Church! This is truly worthy of the greatest tears. What blindness, what free madness, what ingratitude towards our Creator and Redeemer! But, Christian, think not on earth, but on what is above, where Christ sits at the right hand in the glory of the Father [ Col. 3:1–2 ], so that you may be worthy of your calling. I judge myself: I am the first [earth-seeking] person, carnal. So I confess spiritual children, and I often confess reluctantly, as if under compulsion, I am in a hurry to finish the matter as soon as possible, not caring about their sincere repentance and feeling sorry for myself in order to quickly go home to retire, or I wish for a larger number of confessors in order to have more income! Do you hear how vile it is! Think not about healing souls redeemed by the blood of the Lord God, but about your own self-interest, like Judas! Oh, carnal, godless direction of the soul! Oh, the baseness! Oh, decay! O perversion of the order of God! O most evil and most wicked passions of the flesh! You are turning me away from the most important law of God - love for God and neighbor and plunging me into all sorts of iniquities; away with the accursed sin-loving flesh! Saturday of the fifth week of Lent. Glory to the abyss of Your bounty, the abyss of Your power, Lord! During Matins and the reading of the Akathist to the Mother of God, through the prayer of my repentance, the Lord delivered me, for the sake of the abyss of merit of His godparents, from the embarrassment and distress that befell me after I told the rector (the next one) that I would not read the Akathist and would perform proskomedia, as I had told him two days earlier. (Priest Klepachevsky was not at Matins - he was sleeping at home, and I stated earlier that I should wake him up for Matins. The archpriest indulges him extremely.) And how easy and good it became for me when the Lord delivered me from the machinations of the adversary! At the same time, I prayed to the Lord to help me pronounce all the names of the highest persons at the great entrance and at the cry of First Remember, Lord, the Holy Governing Synod, and I told Deacon Poletaev that I wanted to speak out everything, and the Lord gave me the strength of boldness - I spoke out. During communion and cutting the Lamb into pieces, the enemy greatly shook me and tried to cool my heart; I was again able by the grace of Christ, reading the prayer of repentance: Lord our God, who through repentance has granted forgiveness to men 114, while reading the song: He who clothed You shook my heart with cowardice and doubt, at His words in the distance 115 I saw the sun hanging on the cross, covered with darkness, and the earth wavered with fear 116 ... Ah You, all-corrupting demon, are you inspiring the Holy Church, or the God-inspired Gospel, so that I should not believe? And away is the liar and pernicious slanderer... When I was giving communion to the people and the sexton Kamenogradsky, beyond expectation, went with a large candle to Father Alexander Taratin, who was helping me to give communion to the people, I was embarrassed and fell into trouble from the devilish hostility towards him, for Kamenogradsky showed me hostility many times, and I struggled internally with hostility for a long time, driving it out in the name of Christ and the Gospel the love with which I tried to embrace everyone - and finally won through grace and calmed down... Then the enemy attacked from the other side: I saw Sidorov’s clerk from Baikov’s house approaching the Holy Chalice, who had previously confessed to me, and now to another priest, and became jealous, in Judaic fashion, about the pieces of silver: why did they not go to me, but to someone else? Oh madness! O wickedness! Having within me the Lord, the source of all goodness and generosity, I, damned one, craved money and because of it - oh, horror! fell from the Lord and from love for others, from the love of souls redeemed by the sinless blood of Christ! I recognized my sin, which severely tormented me, embarrassed me, oppressed me, killed me, put me to shame, and, standing at the Holy Chalice while reading prayers of thanksgiving, during repentance, I received forgiveness from the Lord, peace and great mercy. Before this, I read the prayer behind the pulpit with difficulty out of embarrassment. He gave the blessing in peace and dismissed the people in peace (he said the dismissal quite calmly). After the mass for the litia (third) for the baby Yulia Kareakova, he received an unexpected favor - ten rubles. After the all-night vigil. I thank the Lord for the gift of tenderness and tears; During the censing of polyeleos, when I approached the local icon of the Lady to burn incense, the ethereal villain lashed my heart with blasphemy against the Lady and wounded me, and after that I secretly repented and prayed and scolded the arrogant blasphemer according to his heritage. I read the Gospel well. During the dismissal, he stole the words of the dismissal, the names of the saints, and for this he suffered greatly. But I cried out strongly to the Lord in repentance, touching the holy throne with my heart and lips, and the Lord had mercy and gave me peace. I thank the Lord. Purify your heart with the grace of Christ, so that you can look purely at the face of the Most Pure Mother of the Lord, the highest of the Cherubim and the most glorious of the Seraphim, the brightest rays of the sun; Look purely at every person, male and female, as created in the image of God in the soul and as having received from the Creator a body pure, beautiful, unblemished in any part. With a small temptation, I found myself today after mass, and during it, as a low person: because of the order ribbon, I was shaking like a child, afraid that it would be smoked with incense smoke, and when it was necessary to serve a memorial service for Father Melchizedek (former father of Matthew), I fell in heart both from God and from my deceased brother, to whom I had never been sincerely disposed; the disembodied enemy sat on me and rode off, taking my soul into his power, confused, shamed, killed me and did not allow me to speak the exclamation and dismissal of the deceased. Oh, how earthly I am, how low! What an idolater I am! My idols: food, medal ribbons, kamilavkas or new velvet, all kinds of elegant clothes, money! O I, earth, earth! Where is God? Where is the sky? You, Lord, this day, during the Liturgy of St. Basil the Great, surprised me with the abyss of Your mercy, drawing me out of the depths of sin and destruction after the great entrance, at which, from yesterday’s satiation in the evening and from the possession of the devil, I could not pronounce the names of the royal family for fear and went to the altar with shame on my face, upset, confused, oppressed, and then even more. I was more upset by the hasty singing of the singers, who did not allow me to calmly read long prayers and calmly invoke the Holy Spirit for the Gifts, so that the word froze in my heart and on my lips. When in this way I was in poverty and the enemy triumphed in me, filling my heart, in such trouble, with hope in the abyss of God’s mercy, I cried out to the Lord to save me from such destruction, I prayed to cover all my guilts with His mercy and to deliver me from the all-evil and all-evil enemies and my frequent sins and my passions that intensified in me: gluttony, laziness and negligence. and material addictions - and so the Lord instantly brought me out of the underworld, giving me peace, and I took communion with peace and felt in my heart the Lord, His life-giving, saving breath, wonderful life, peace, space, boldness, with which I calmly read the prayer behind the pulpit, said the sermon and dismissed. But then, at the memorial service for my father Archimandrite Melchizedek, I again became extremely embarrassed and speechless from addiction to my St. Annin’s order ribbon and new kamilavka, fearing that they would become smoked from the incense smoke: oh, madness! oh, the absurdity! oh, baseness! Oh, slavery to decay, litter, dreams, dreams! And because of this insane, humiliating, destructive addiction to decay, he fell from God, from His life, His holiness and truth, from His light, from His world, from space, the boldness that he possessed after communion of the Holy Mysteries, he fell from the love of his neighbor, from love for his deceased brother, to his soul, which is dearer than the entire corruptible world as the image of God and more beautiful, more beautiful than him without number and immortal, and could not pray peacefully and sincerely for the repose of the soul of Father Melchizedek, he was confused in the exclamations, he could not say everything out of shame and inner confusion. And how after that the bodiless enemies again tormented me and celebrated their victory in me! How embarrassed, oppressed, disgraced I was, how poor I was! - and here again I repented, sought tears, pardon, condemned myself sincerely, realized the absurdity of my addictions to colored ribbons and kamilavkas (as in other cases to silk colored scarves at christenings - oh, covetousness, contrary to the Christian spirit, killing at the root, in the very heart of Christianity, which is of the heavenly, and not of the earthly spirit!). And - oh! wonderful mercy of the Lord! - again the Lord had mercy on me, unworthy of mercy, for the sake of His merits, for the sake of His suffering for me, for the sake of His Blood shed for me, which, as soon as I began to use it together with His Most Pure Body, He immediately cleansed and revived me, watered my soul, scorched by the heat of worldly addictions, thirsting for His cleansing and peaceful Blood. And so it became again easy, peaceful, sweet, fun. I have risen from the dead again! Glory to the daily miracles of my Savior God! Oh, how much grief I have from my unclean heart! How many bitter temptations! How cramped! How many vain fears and fears! I thank the Lord, who soon heard me, who was kneeling in prayer in a mine house outside the city on the Petrovskaya pier (citadel) before performing baptism (father Vladimir Pavlovich Verkhovsky with his niece), who delivered me from cramped conditions and confusion and bestowed peace, victory and great mercy on my soul. My heart is earthly, not heavenly, love-loving, not God-loving, sin-loving, not truth-loving! Alas for me, the accursed one who is perishing! Have reverence for the creative members, from which the human seed and the future man comes and enters and is built, and thank the Creator, the most pure, wise, all-powerful, all-powerful, all-righteous, all-generous, who so arranged our nature and in a similar way the nature of dumb animals. Have a pure look at man and woman. There is no limit to God’s mercies to me today: the Lord delivered me from the unclean poison of hell upon looking at the painting by Kulikov, then in church before reading the Gospel of the Crowd, then during mass at the sight of the sexton of Kamenogradsky entering the altar: the spirit of malice breathed into me the breath of hell and froze my soul with hostility towards him, the eloquent and contradictory cleric; But with a fervent inner prayer to God to grant me love for Him, I overcame hostility and the spirit of malice and tasted peace and freedom. Received life-giving communion. At the second funeral service, due to my suspiciousness regarding the person behind the candle proceeds, the sexton of Kamenograd again fell into cramped conditions and did not utter an exclamation and dismissal due to the obstacle from demons, from which he again got rid of through the use of the Holy Gifts. Having arrived home, I found a Lutheran girl who wanted to accept the Orthodox faith, and at the end of the conversation, seeing her beauty, I had an unclean, crafty thought, which confused me and deprived me of grace, but when I repented internally, looking at the image of the Savior in the hall, I immediately received sweet deliverance and life-giving peace with space in my heart. Then, looking at the picture of “Niva” “Will-o’-the-wisp” with a seductive quality, he was again wounded by an unclean, lustful thought, again he repented with all his heart and again he was pardoned, cleansed, and pacified. God bless! He who venerates the Mother of God venerates God Himself, who magnified Her, was incarnate from Her, and rests in Her forever, as in the church of the Divine; whoever does not honor or blaspheme Her does not honor or blasphemes God Himself, for God and She are one spirit with the Lord. I thank the Lord, who has given me tenderness and tears before the song Now the Powers of Heaven... and the grace of stumbling-free service and communion of the life-giving Mysteries. I thank the Lord, who gave me the boldness and strength to perform a memorial service on the ninth day for Adamovich’s daughter in the vestibule of the Lutheran Church. All the Sacraments, all church things are sealed with a cross, and a Christian often seals himself with a cross, especially in prayer, as one redeemed by the Blood of Christ, as the property of Christ: you have been bought with a price. Therefore glorify God both in your body and in your soul, which are God’s [1 Cor. 6:20], so that we may belong to the Lord throughout our lives in mind and heart and will. This day is memorable for me (Wednesday of the Sixth Week of Lent) because of the grave demonic temptation that occurred during Matins, firstly, because of grief at the poor, and secondly and especially because of yesterday (evening) gluttony and fish-eating in vinaigrette, because of the coarseness of my heart, insensibility and thorniness, the Lord allowed me to endure fire and a severe storm from evil and crafty demons; Temptations covered me like a flood, I was indignant and agitated like water, and could not say goodbye at the Midnight Office and the final litany of the Midnight Office. Then, having gone to the altar, in repentance and prayer I clung my heart and lips to the throne of grace, asking for mercy, peace, boldness, help, and the Lord heard me and had mercy on me. Yes, the flood of the womb is followed by a flood of demonic temptations, and how severe these temptations are, amazing, painful! But it serves it right! I was punished for breaking my fast, drinking wine from Fyodor Fedorovich Vasiliev (Kars), eating jam and homemade fish vinaigrette. The Catholic and Lutheran churches, and the Reformed one, can be compared with the Jewish church, which did not bear good fruits for the coming of the Messiah into the world, did not accept Him, but condemned and crucified Him. What are the affairs of Catholics and Lutherans now? This is the same Pharisaism and Sadduceeism, and in the priests and pastors there is the same spirit as in the high priests of the Jews. I thank the Lord, who has made me worthy to perform the hours, vespers, liturgy, and requiem without stumbling. At the entrance of one officer with his wife while reading the Gospel, my peace was shaken by partiality and my heart changed to God, retreating from Him, but I soon came to my senses, called upon reason and faith to help, repented and became calm again, not recognizing the face of the noble and the simple in the church before the face of God, before Whom all are sinners. Received life-giving communion. Let me not be seduced by any corruptible, molded clothing, for for me the clothing of glory and incorruptibility is only the Lord Jesus Christ; Let me not be tempted by any sweet or entertaining earthly food and drink, for the incorruptible, entertaining, sweet food that cleanses and strengthens the soul and body is the most pure Body and Blood of the Lord Jesus Christ, also by wealth, for my wealth is Jesus Christ; Let me not be deceived by any earthly glory, for my true and eternal glory is Jesus Christ. I thank the Lord, who gave me His great help during the service of Matins, and when, at the very end, the enemy stopped me on the very name of the holy noble prince Alexander Nevsky and tormented me, the Lord mercifully delivered me. The same thing happened during mass: at the very end, the enemy stopped me in saying absolution, but the Lord Himself delivered me while using the Holy Gifts. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the deadly diabolical oppression and confusion that befell me over the archpriest’s dog’s persecution of the cat beloved by our children Rufina and Lisa. I was excited by this circumstance and was angry with the archpriest, who bought a dog to store his countless treasures, for he was constantly afraid of robbers. The Lord, for my repentance and faith, destroyed all the deadly devil’s work in me, quenched the deadly storm and gave me peace and life, and when the enemy again defeated me, the Lord again gave me peace after confusion and life after death. And then late in the evening, when I heard about Father Alexander’s mockery of me during the sermon I spoke in the cathedral (he was laughing at Father Klepachevsky right at the throne) and was very alarmed and killed by this, after prayer the Lord again calmed me down and gave me life. Yesterday my pride was greatly wounded by the words spoken by Father Alexander at the altar during mass on Sunday and conveyed to me by the sexton, and I was indignant in spirit, but through prayer of repentance and mature reflection, the Lord had mercy on me and delivered me from hostility. (Words regarding the place in the sermon about mutual assistance.) In the evening, my love of money was wounded by Father Alexander, about whom I heard that he confesses people very quickly and a lot, caring only about collecting money, and not about human souls, but again, through repentance and mature reasoning, I received forgiveness and the mercy of God. The holy saints of God are as distant from us as heaven from earth, they were heavenly on earth because of their great faith, hope and love for God, because of their contempt for the flesh and for all the blessings of the earth, because of their meekness, kindness, purity, because of the spirit of love and mercy, patience, but we have completely clung to the earth and have fallen away from God in our hearts, we work for all sorts of passions, and not for God. God! I pray to You: let the rector, Father Paul, know the temptations of the invisible enemy, may he sympathize with me and Your service, and may he rejoice in almsgiving, and may he be of the same mind with Your saints. Amen. For this Thy servant, sinful and unworthy John, prays to Thee! Just as in the beginning the falling away from God occurred through gluttony and intemperance, so now we fall away from God through intemperance and gluttony, and I am multi-passionate. The heart becomes coarse, darkens, becomes insensitive to sins and falls away from God and His grace. We must always maintain strict abstinence, so that we will always be with God. Without love for the abbot, I am not fit for the Kingdom of Your grace, Lord! Grant me therefore the grace to love him sincerely, as Thy servant, grant him to be like-minded with all Thy saints, and not contradictory; Grant him at least in his old age to love mercy and compassion for the poor, give him good thoughts about his brethren, the priests, and speak, and not despise and slander them. Wake up! Behold, by Thy grace I love him, I remember his kindness, affection, quietness, meekness, gentleness, although he is rude in appearance. Let Belial flee, who stirs me up against him. Otherwise, some abbots are gentle on the outside, but can be cruel in heart and disposition. My first task after the Matins I served was my duty to thank the Lord my God for the quick acceptance of my repentance when my heart was overwhelmed by passions and the quick deliverance from confusion, sorrow, darkness, crampedness, despondency with which the ethereal villain was killing me. Three times the Lord solemnly and quickly delivered me from my cruel misfortunes, from confusion during the service and gave me peace and the sweetness of His communication. With a triumphant spirit, I read the canon for the resurrection of Lazarus, and the dismissal was said firmly, although incomplete, and Christ, the true Light, said, looking at the people, firmly, without fear. Glory to God who helps me! Glory to him who delivers me from the wiles of the enemy and his slander! Glory to Him who continually breathes new life into me! Glory to God, who continually works miracles in me! Seven and three quarters o'clock in the morning. So, Lord, you also destroyed the machinations of hell in me through the prayer of my repentance, destroyed my heartfelt hostility towards my brother, Priest Alexander, for his mockery of the words of my sermon, which are not subject to laughter as the verbs of the Gospel itself, and not mine. I thank my Lord, who destroys enmity and implants in the heart all-conquering love, all-pacifying, all-life-giving love. Five and a half o'clock in the evening. That I will repay my Lord for all the blessings and miracles of salvation that He performed in me many times today during the late mass that I served, and after the mass, especially before the litany (carried out) for the daughter of General Adamovich from the building of the Lutheran church. How numerous and fierce were the sorrows and hardships - these bitter fruits of the old man still living in me and the machinations of the disembodied enemies who acted in me through the old man, so numerous and great, the saving actions of the grace of Christ were in me. Behold, my Guardian, Shepherd and Visitor of my soul does not slumber or sleep [Ps. 121:4]. Glory to my Lord, who delivers me from all evils. I have learned from countless experiences that for me and for every person there is nothing more precious than Jesus Christ, my true, perfect, eternal life, and the fulfillment of His holy commandments. I have experienced everything, all the pleasures of the world, and found them vain, deceptive, not bringing any significant benefit to the human soul; they are all perishable, ephemeral, rough and produce burden and emptiness in the soul, darkness, often shame of oneself, moral slavery and humiliation. Today the Lord has deigned to confess my sins. I thank the Lord for His bounties. May God grant that we sin no more and live in truth. Away with friendship and kindness towards the multi-passionate flesh. After early mass in the Duma Church. There are many people - a full church, there are also many temptations with my weakness and sinfulness. At the litia, the exclamation Hear us, God said everything, with sincerity. I also read the prayer well, but at the end the enemy tore out a few words. At the blessing of the loaves, he spoke loudly and wanted to say all the words without fail, but the enemy, instilling fear of hell, tore out the word bless... I read the Gospel everything well. Not all of the dismissal, Christ, the true Light, sang the whole thing, the whole of the dismissal was cheerfully said at the first hour. God bless! I served Mass with great spiritual labor due to the devil’s temptations, but God’s help accompanied me everywhere, although it allowed me to reveal my weaknesses and sinful corruption and passion. And during Matins, the enemy tempted me either through an addiction to the velvet of the kamilavka (fear that it would not be filled with wax, not to smoke), then through a passion for money (so that money would not be pulled out of my pocket), then to the flesh (female), and during mass, with the thorn of the flesh and the sting of fear, the enemy strongly weakened my soul: I did not know where to go from temptations. It was very hot in the church and I was perspiring. After mass it became easier as people came out. There are many prayers; Bartoshevich's captain gave communion to his daughter; the wine spilled into the monstrance, a little confusion and anxiety. In the evening, he served two prayer services at Stepan Guryanov’s and at Burachok’s with the greatest pleasure, calmness, regularity, smoothness, and sincerity. So here I ate and drank with pleasure selected dishes and drinks, and then at nine and a half o’clock in the evening at Stefanida Avvakumova’s... I didn’t go out for the night, at night - alas! temptation in a dream is fornication. After that, weakness, nervousness, soreness, drowsiness. I almost slept all day on April 14, Maundy Monday. Forgive, Lord, my sins. To Bartoshevich on Easter, to Nikolai Nikolaevich Nikolaevsky on Easter on the third day. Because of my passion, I was subjected today to severe embarrassment and sinful death regarding the written remark of the dean’s father to the priests of the cathedral, including me. Suspecting (this is bad in me!) in the Father Superior there was ill will towards me and attacks, after hearing from a friend of Father Peter Klepachevsky about the existence of a written comment from the Father Dean, immediately before Compline I became indignant and was wounded by hostility towards Father Paul, spoke bitterly about him and, incited by a strong spirit of malice, stood in the choir all Compline in confusion, cramped, inattentive, distracted, in some kind of gloomy and spiritually paralyzed state, which passed significantly during the reading of the canon at Compline, but after the end of the reading it returned again to a lesser extent, although in repentance I prayed to the Lord to grant me the spirit of love, meekness, humility, goodness and obedience to the abbot, simplicity, sincerity and lack of suspicion. At the end of Compline, I went to the Peter’s chapel and, falling to the holy throne, I still earnestly prayed to the Lord, that His grace would overcome the power of evil in me and give me kindness, meekness, gentleness, patience and obedience to my unworthiness, and the Lord gave me His grace. Coming out of the church, I met my brother-in-law, Pyotr Nesvitsky, with whom I agreed to go to the hospital to see his cousin Travlinsky’s nephew; Let's go to my apartment first; approaching the house and remembering the abbot and his document, I again fell into embarrassment and cramped conditions, indignant at him for acting in a bureaucratic and not brotherly manner (however, the package was sealed, confidential). We went to the hospital, but my heart was restless, the devil’s sting burned and, like gores, incited me to hostility; They stayed with Travlinsky for a short time, and they sent him off to church: he fasted; I went to the memorial service in the Kudryavtsevsky outbuilding - it was cramped; He prayed fervently before the icon, calmed down, and served without stumbling; We drove away from the funeral service, and while driving again I prayed to the Lord in repentance - and the sin disappeared, disappeared, and peace reigned. God bless! I come home - again there is some embarrassment and eagerness; I hastily take the dean’s package and march to him; I enter, I am baptized, I bless the name of the Lord; I greet him, talk about the reason for coming, tear off the seal, read, feel embarrassed, begin to speak with zeal, restless, he stopped me, noticing my restlessness; I was justified and healed, I read to the end; I see that the paper was written in a moderate, brotherly tone, without attacks, and I calmed down and explained myself in detail. Then the conversation took on a fraternal character. He left in peace. Why was I so embarrassed and excited? Oh, passions still live and reign in me: self-love, pride, vanity, malice, hatred, envy, deceit, ill will, waywardness, disobedience, distrust, disobedience, conceit, impatience, murmuring, despondency, cowardice. Woe is me, Lord, Lord! Have mercy on me and correct me, so that I may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. Great Wednesday. How my flesh became enraged as a result of eating raw salmon and ruff fish soup yesterday! Temptation almost happened in a dream! I woke up and, seeing the great danger, stood up and offered repentance to God with a feeling of tenderness, and then went to bed again, throwing off my extra clothes so that the prodigal flesh would not be too warm. And to this day the flesh is enraged by voluptuousness! These are the fruits of intemperance! To love oneself means to love every sin from the heart, to willingly take part in every sin that lives in our flesh, in our heart, and to constantly be an enemy of God and His law, an enemy of oneself. For no good thing lives in me, that is, in my flesh [Rom.7:18]. Whoever loves the world does not have the love of the Father (to the Heavenly Father). For everything that is in the world: the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes and the pride of life, is not from the Father, but from this world (or the prince of this world, the devil) [1 John 2:15-16]. That’s why the Lord said: if anyone wants to follow Me, turn away from yourself, take up your cross, and follow Me, for whoever wants to save his soul will lose it, and whoever loses his soul (his life, the whole totality of his sinful life, thoughts, desires, passions, deeds) for My sake will find it [Matthew 16:24–25]. Oh, streams of life entering my being from the Lord, from the breath of the Life-Giving Spirit! And mortal streams, stinking, sinful streams - entering my heart from the heavenly spirits of evil, from vile, nasty, evil, blasphemous spirits. May the Lord cleanse me from all these godless currents of sin! After Matins. Who will express the goodness and generosity and power of the Lord, manifested in me, the accursed one, during Matins of this day, many times, each time after diligently falling to the throne of grace with faith and heartfelt repentance? My salvation was especially great, powerful, and glorious before the stichera of praise, when the Lord delivered me from the terrible rage of the spiritual serpent, which plunged its sting and its teeth into me and tormented me with the fiercest confusion and cramped conditions. This is about the silk altar scarf I donated, which was taken off the throne and lay all dusty on the star instead of a wrapper. I considered this to be the abbot’s business and was very upset with him for persecuting me even in my belongings. I repent (and have repented) of this suspicion and these hostile feelings. Is it because of a handkerchief that you violate love, the most important law? It won't happen. I thank the Lord, who destroyed the disastrous machinations of the enemy and gave me the grace to loudly and sweetly sing with the sexton stichera on praise and stichera on verse for the edification and delight of all the faithful and for my (hope) benefit! Maundy Thursday. Alas for me, alas for me! Yesterday I ate fish twice at two o’clock and in the evening at ten o’clock after confession; It was especially criminal and harmful for me to eat at two o’clock, after I drank tea at ten o’clock in the morning with blessed bread and pretzels. I felt stiff, and the food, like ostny, rested in my sides and caused me extreme anxiety during confession in church; and besides, the enemy, seeing me satiated, played with my heart as he wanted and made it completely his instrument, [shooting] it with his money-loving charm and zeal for hasty confession, so as to confess more and not lag behind Father Alexander and Father Peter, who were riding at full speed, although they, in my conviction, confess to the point of absurdity and godlessness. This is what the love of money does to us! We care not about immortal souls, but about money, about dust, about temporary, carnal self-gratification. Zeal and envy of the brethren. I noticed how my heart was shamefully divided between God and the world, between caring for souls and caring for money in order to collect more of it! The curse of Judas is in me! Oh, love of heaven! Oh, unkindness! Oh, the flattery of love of money, gluttony, carnality, lust! O love of peace! Oh, devilish possession! How the enemy pressed me during confession! There was natural tightness, from constipation, moral tightness, from the possession of passions over me, from the devil: Satan came into me. I was not sincere during confession, I read the prayer of permission with extreme difficulty and often could not finish reading it, reading it only in my mind. How unfaithful I am before You, Lord! He who loves the world does not have the love of the Father [1 John 2:15]. That's who I am. Alas for me! I, perhaps, like Judas, betrayed Jesus Christ in His Holy Mysteries to many unworthy because of adulterous sins and, like Judas, because of the love of money or out of fear of man, by indulging human passions. Woe is me, Lord! Make You Yourself, Lord Lord, worthy of all the unworthy, of whom I am the first. I ate oranges and grapes (a pound), and my stomach constipation resolved: it became easier today (morning). Thank the Lord! May God grant that it is easy to celebrate the Liturgy in the Assumption Church. Maundy Thursday, after early mass. I thank the Lord, who surpasses all my iniquities with His goodness, who had mercy on me many times during Matins and early mass, and who delivered me from all the hunting and persecution of invisible enemies, and instead of hellish confusion and oppression, gave me peace and boldness with space in my heart. Initially, I was embarrassed when talking with the archpriest, who accused me of irritability, defending the seditious sexton Kamenogradsky; the embarrassment was so strong that I could not follow the reading and singing in church and read the morning prayers. Then, during mass, he saved me many times from sorrows and cramps, especially after the great entrance and after the communion of the laity, when one woman, Paraskeva Kovrigina, dropped part of the Holy Gifts almost on the floor, but on a church scarf. I sinned, I was upset with her for her ineptitude and awkwardness, and the devil turned this grief into bitterness towards her, very painful, from which I barely got rid of through repentance, faith, fervent prayer, most importantly, the most pure, life-giving, all-reconciling Mysteries of the Body and Blood of the Lord. I condemned myself, because I, too, did not carefully teach the Divine Secrets to an old woman who was crooked. Because of her piety, her enemy especially arouses anger in me against her, and I thank the Lord, who destroyed the cunning of the ethereal enemy in me. However, I told her that for her carelessness I would not give her communion until Peter’s Fast. At memorial services and funeral services for the deceased, short prayers are often offered for the repose of the soul of the deceased and for the forgiveness of any sin, which is especially necessary for relatives, friends and acquaintances surrounding the bed of the deceased. And even more so for the deceased himself, whose soul, now unable to help itself, for the field of work has ended, very much needs the sincere prayer of the servants of the altar of the Lord and all neighbors; The exclamations of the priest, instilling that the Lord Jesus Christ is the resurrection and the life and peace of the deceased, pour great joy into the souls of those grieving their neighbors about the death of the deceased and teach them to look at death without much fear, as at a dream, for the deceased is called deceased (asleep), and in the often repeated refrains Rest in peace, Lord... the deceased is also called deceased. Particularly comforting is the dismissal of the requiem service, pronounced by a priest or bishop (Christ, our true God, through the prayers of His Most Pure Mother, the glorious apostle saints, our reverend and God-bearing fathers and all the saints, etc.), in which the sweet promise is expressed on behalf of the Church that the Lord, through the prayers of His Most Pure Mother and all the saints, will heal the soul of the deceased in the villages the righteous, he will rest in the bosom of Abraham and will count with the righteous, for he is good and a lover of mankind. In conclusion, the still deceased is asked for eternal peace and eternal memory, after which the singers repeat three times: eternal memory. Secretly, the accursed one, I sympathized with the fornicators in confession, and there were fornication movements within me! Do I sympathize with corruption or abomination? Oh, depravity of the heart! O prodigal soul! O prodigal [body]! After the all-night vigil with the twelve Gospels. I thank the Lord with all my heart for the greatest deliverance of my infirmity from the destructive cunning of the heavenly spirits of malice over me, who caught me maliciously and tormented me with their malice and wickedness and confused me with the excuses of various passions, which all by the grace of God I, fighting, repelled in the name of Jesus Christ. Once, because of severity towards the poor and for the love of money and stinginess, ethereal enemies moved into my heart (before the all-night vigil), then because of the love of money, jealousy and envy of Father Alexander, who confessed many spiritual children and, as it were, took away my income; I noticed to him at the Holy See that he had dismissed three hundred people in four o’clock. He said that there were many searchers and policemen (as if they were not Christians, not people, not sinners and did not need to be confessed carefully). The temptations were severe, but my heart was also extremely corrupted, so that even when remembering the passions of the Lord, I was raging with sinful passions and armed myself with hostility against my neighbors for the sake of addiction to the world. And the lust of the flesh and the lust of the eyes also rebelled, although I repelled it. On the one hand, the passions of Christ, and on the other, the lust of the flesh: oh, how alien is the many-passionate flesh of the Lord and His law, His righteousness and His holiness, and how necessary it is to deny it, to shun it, to crucify it with passions and lusts! How alien she is to sincere love for her neighbor, being proud to the point of madness and blindness! How many victorious trophies have I hoisted within myself by my Lord, by His power, grace and mercy! My soul knows this and thanks the Conqueror of hell, it rejoices daily in His power and His mercy! The sign of the cross on the forehead, heart and shoulders. The Lord saved you all, redeemed you with His cross, and you offer your whole self to Him as a living sacrifice - mind, heart and all your strength, love Him with all your heart, with all your thoughts, with all your strength. I thank the Lord, who showed me His immediate help and mercy during confession yesterday evening, His deliverance from the stumbling and oppression of the enemy, with which the enemy punished me for my sins. I thank the Lord, who has repeatedly given me peace and spaciousness of soul in my cramped conditions. The effect of partiality has a deadly effect on my soul (looking at elegant and beautiful faces, at [tinsel] people, at the rich, at strangers, very decently dressed, at the noble). But let me look not at human faces, but at the face of God with the eyes of my heart, and I will not be embarrassed. Grant this to me, Lord! I depict the sign of the cross on my forehead, heart, and shoulders as a sign that I always devote myself entirely to God, as redeemed by His Blood from eternal death: my mind, my heart and my will, all my strength. Glorify God both in your bodies and in your souls [1 Cor. 6:20]. Give Me, son, your heart [Proverbs 23:26]. Whoever loves Me will keep My word [John 14:23]. After Matins and confession of the laity and Father Saltykov. Forgive me, my Lord, my Savior, the word of unlove, self-love, pride, malice, ill will, insolence, spiritual murder, spoken by me and repeated vigorously by the beggars, who told me: don’t die [become] - die, die (said), it’s better to die than to constantly drag around idle; I said this word with anger, malice, contempt, pride, rage. Oh, how grievously I have sinned! The entire law of God was destroyed by these words of pride and anger! Oh, I am a multi-passionate person! When I repented of this to the Lord at home, the invisible enemy gnashed his teeth at me out of rage and his devilish jealousy, seeking to devour me; I heard a crash in the icon case (when I was praying) and then in the sleeping closet (when I began to write these lines). All-damned! You will not rejoice at my destruction, for the Lord is my uprising and my salvation. Away from the name of my Lord Jesus Christ, the all-evil serpent of the abyss! God! Grant me from my heart to hate all malice, all anger that does not fulfill Thy righteousness, and to acquire perfect love, long-suffering, merciful, not envying, not arrogant, not proud, not disorderly, not seeking its own, not being irritated, not thinking evil, not rejoicing in unrighteousness, but rejoicing with the truth, covering everything, everything. believing, hoping for everything, enduring everything, never ceasing. 1 Corinthians 13:5. I thank the Lord, who showed me His help for tears of repentance and a fervent prayer of tenderness in the Assumption Church during the service of Matins on Holy Saturday and to say the release of passions with feeling and sincerity. Oh, how much evil my passionate, sated flesh causes to my soul! How she is furious during divine services with the passions of voluptuousness, love of money, hostility, envy, fear and apprehension, cowardice and despair! How brazenly, imperiously, disastrously the disembodied enemy acts in me, how he laughs at me, and if it were not for You, my Savior and Deliverer, Lord, then he would have swallowed me up long ago, killing me with my own passions. Oh, how necessary it is to fast especially during Holy Week! How fiercely the devil arms himself against me, but I have no weapon against him - fasting, and he overcomes me, terribly fighting and relaxing my heart, weakened by sweets! I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the mentioned fierce sin for my repentance and from fierce torment for my sins. Today at three o'clock in the evening a Chukhonka, who was married to two Russian husbands, came to me from the German pastor Bosse and said that his wife did not give alms for the holiday because the Chukhonka was married to two Russian husbands, and therefore let her go to the Russian priests for alms. If necessary, report this to the governor (or the head of his office - consult with him). During Vespers and Mass I felt extremely difficult and deplorable; the enemy was in me and extremely oppressed me, confused me, frightened me, weakened me, darkened me, especially before the Gospel and the cry of God through prayers and during the great entrance... After communion, I was renewed, strengthened, and encouraged. I thank the Lord for the miracle of His mercy. While reading the proverbs at Vespers, the enemy overcame me with sleep and thereby killed my heart; I felt this heavily at the great entrance, feeling the powerlessness and deadness of my heart, a special demonic fear. Then I repented of my weakness before God and asked for His grace, which I received according to the measure of faith and zeal. He received Holy Communion in a life-giving manner, and gave the laity good Communion; I read it cheerfully from the pulpit, to the word; leave said everything. Love for God and neighbor is incompatible with love for the world, for food, drink, money, and for human glory. No one can serve two masters: for either he will hate one and love the other; or he will be zealous for one and neglectful of the other. You cannot serve God and mammon [Matthew 6:24]. I experience this every day (by the way, during confession with the brethren): unclean, money-loving jealousy. Who do I need: God or the world, lying in evil, adulterous and sinful, dead and mortifying souls? Oh, how sweet it is to be with God. Whoever has pure love for God - oh, how blessed is he. Behold, Lord, the enemy troubles my many-passionate heart; behold, it painfully lifts up the mud of my sins hidden in my heart; Intercede and save me by Your grace and grant me with boldness and great strength to complete all the Divine services set before me to perform. Wake up! Amen. Easter. At eleven and a half o'clock at night they began matins and finished mass at one and three quarters in the morning. At the end of the mass there was a strong temptation through Vasily Sofronov, who decided to take communion on Easter separately. I was inwardly indignant at him for this (oh, recklessness, oh, my malice!), that is, that he received communion separately in Kronstadt, having confessed in St. Petersburg, but I tried with all the strength of my mind, heart and will to suppress, destroy this grief and joyfully allow him to communicate in the Chalice of Christ out of Christian love, through mutual communication, because of his honor in Christ and in me. After mass, through strong repentance and faith in the atoning blood of Christ, I got rid of the devilish malice that tormented me, admitting that, due to my extreme depravity, I could not overcome the internal, painful hostility towards my brother. I did not fast during Lent, I pleased the flesh, the belly, and through this I strengthened in myself all the passions of the flesh and soul: self-love, pride, malice, lust, love of money, all love of things, man-pleasing, fear of man, partiality, hypocrisy, impatience, zeal, disobedience, lack of faith, resentment, cowardice, laziness, negligence, self-indulgence, hard-heartedness, severity, obstinacy, timidity - in general, I did not become heavenly, which is what the Lord and His Holy Church want and to which I am called, but I was earthly and remained earthly, and more bitterly earthly than before. For are not all my enumerated and countless other passions earthly, and not from the earth, and not from the devil? Alas for me, damned sinner! I speak about perfection in my church teachings, but I myself have not moved an inch closer to perfection, have not come closer to God, have not become like Him with love, meekness, humility, kindness, communication, patience, obedience (the Lord was obedient even to the point of death, death on the cross [Phil. 2:8]), truth, mercy, compassion, generosity, holiness, impartiality, love of peace and peacemaking and other virtues, but all turned out to be low, self-loving, impatient, not loving of God, not loving of humanity, unjust, lazy in any good; my heart is rough, petrified, dead, subject to every temptation and unkind change. I thank the Lord, who gave me a stumbling-free day yesterday and showed me great help and mercy during Matins, Liturgy and Vespers, which I celebrated for the first time in the Assumption Church. I thank the Lord, who pacified the rebellion of my flesh for a well-known reason and cleansed my heart and soul from the mud of sin and from sinful agitation. Grant me, Lord, to love You alone with all my heart, the fullness of my life, my truth, my peace, my contentment, my light, my strength, beauty, holiness, true sweetness. Oh, sinful, disastrous, stinking flattery! Oh, the life-giving fragrance of the shrine! I thank and glorify the all-merciful God, my Savior, for the great miracle of salvation and His power that took place in me while reading the Gospel of John about the first followers of Jesus Christ and after reading, especially at the great entrance when pronouncing the names of the royal family, which by the grace of God I was able to pronounce all smoothly, quietly, having been unable to pronounce them for about twenty years. Throughout the entire mass I served the grace of God without stumbling, although I had sinned the day before by intemperance in food, especially in drink, and before the division of the fraternal incomes of the glorified. The due share was given from me personally to the sexton, and what was due to me was left to the beggars for distribution. Father Pyotr Klepachevsky walked with the cross very little in the northern part: he didn’t even collect thirty rubles. Father Alexander Taratin - forty rubles. I am one hundred and eleven rubles. Father Pavel, the rector, also missed a lot. There should be a division according to work, and not according to rank. Doxology to the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit is often used because He is the only God of glory and did everything for the glory of His name, and the glory of His saints, glorified by the Church, is His glory. It begins with Him, and returns to Him, and abides in Him forever. Lord Jesus Christ, my God! I thank You with all my heart for the victory in Your name over destructive lust upon my arrival at the apartment of Father Nicholas of Asia and while kissing his family and, among others, the maiden Olga Lepotnaya. Lust seized my soul and excited it, captivated it, bound it, desecrated it, and I could not praise the Lord peacefully, sincerely, freely, and knowing this, immediately with clairvoyant faith and heartfelt contrition I turned to the Lord with repentance and received deliverance, permission, peace, freedom and boldness, and served a prayer service in front of the assembled guests magnificently, sincerely, with feeling, peacefully, firmly, joyfully, with a triumphant spirit, without stumbling, with a sonorous and clear voice. I thank the Lord for this quick and greatest mercy: a lesson for me not to be captivated by corruptible beauty, but by the beauty of the human soul, created in the image of God, and by the beauty of the Divine, reflected on all creatures, visible and invisible, especially on man and the holy Angels. Visible beauty is perishable and draws the soul into captivity and corruption of sin. I condemn myself for gluttony and greed when consuming food and strong drink (beer and wine) from Father Nicholas, for this shameful captivity, humiliating for me especially as a priest who should rule over the belly, and not be a slave to it, like cattle that does not think and has no reason. He who pleases the belly cannot look at heaven and philosophize on high, love God and neighbor and conquer passions; he crawls down, he is like a bird whose wings have been cut off. The saints conquered the womb; they always fasted. Christianity, which has brought us to such a height and given us countless benefits in time and eternity, requires from us constant abstinence and, of course, it is worth it for us to firmly follow its instructions if we wish to achieve perfection and blessed immortality in Jesus Christ our Lord. I thank the Lord, who quickly and graciously, sovereignly delivered me through the prayer of faith and my sincere repentance from the sorrow and oppression, torment, shame that befell me for my harsh treatment of the poor and refusal to give them alms due to frequent begging. Deliverance through my prayer followed in the apartment of Nikolai Mikhailovich Semenov, where I was at the name day of his sister Elisaveta. I thank the Lord, who has repeatedly saved me from passions and lusts at home for my repentance. [Brothers] fraternal money, given and collected by me from the parishioners in abundance, and returned in abundance, and the beggar's ears, collected by me from the same parishioners with my arbitrary zeal, will all be returned to the poor, according to the word of the Apostle: Let us remember the poor [Gal. 2:10]. This is our responsibility. And the Lord has always rewarded and rewards us a hundredfold for our care. May our fraternal incomes, and the property of parishioners, and their deeds, and their whole life be sanctified by our common mercy (parishioners and brethren). May they be filled with all the fruits of virtue. At the funeral service at Bazhenov’s (an old lady of 83 years old) in the evening I lost my boldness and was completely overcome by devilish fear because I was angry with the beggars and tore them (two) by the ears. Why am I ashamed, as if I am afraid and on ceremony of the senior deacon Poletaev, who is self-important and looks stern and disdainful of everyone. Let me be indifferent, let me keep one God in my mind and in my heart, the only great and omnipotent one. Saturday of Holy Week. God! I thank You for the wondrous miracles of Your mercy and power in me, unworthy and many-passionate, for You, during the late liturgy in the Assumption Church, repeatedly delivered me from mortal cramps and sorrows and gave my soul peace, breadth and true life in You and with You. Oh, how I will soon die without liturgy, without communion of Your Holy Mysteries, even for one, two or three days! How I weaken in spirit and heart, how I am deprived of grace, or the truth of life in spirit and heart, I am overwhelmed by passions, I fall from the love of God into the love of the flesh and the world, I am in captivity of the devil! I saw, I saw today, Lord, the miracles of Thy mercy in me, when in repentance, in the tightness and sorrow of my heart, I turned with all my heart to Thy fatherly mercy; Every time you crushed the rivets of hell in me, took away the deadly sting from my soul, freed the dark enemy from violence. I thank You, benevolent Master, for Your mercy and for the communion of Your life-giving Mysteries. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the storm of voluptuousness, which stung me greatly and overwhelmed my entire being; I left the temptation of the enemy and devoted myself to prayer, and the Lord saved me. So, everyone immediately leave temptation. I thank the Lord, who gave me the grace to firmly pronounce at Bazhenov’s memorial service the last exclamation and dismissal, which I prayed for, which I sought through diligent, heartfelt, intense singing and through prayer to the Lord. On Monday, April 28, at six o'clock in the evening, you must go to the trusteeship to take the money collected from donors. From the very morning, the heart was mortally stricken by Belial because of yesterday's gluttony at Mr. Schauman's (soft black bread with butter and sweet tea) and satiety; the defeat of the heart was felt throughout the mass until the final consumption of the Holy Gifts, after which the Lord’s perfect victory over my sins and weaknesses appeared. At the great entrance the enemy struck me down, not allowing me to speak the names of the royal family; at the commemoration of the Holy Synod and the Metropolitan, he again struck down and did not allow me to pronounce the name and title of the Metropolitan, overwhelming me with coldness and contempt for him. I have sinned against the Lord! And all this, all these victories of the enemy over me because of satiety. I'm the first to blame for everything! How I need constant abstinence! He sinned - he became angry with the beggars, pushed them with anger, tore their ears, scolded them. Ten and a half o'clock in the morning. Fomino resurrection. I celebrate the new victory of God’s mercy, invincible by our malice, the victory of grace over my malice regarding the sexton of Kamenograd and the beggars, who seemed to me completely unreliable and yet extremely demanding regarding alms. When I came home, I was in extreme, painful, devilish cramped conditions, and so I began to repent and beg God’s mercy for mercy; I prayed with great faith and hope, with extreme self-reproof, and the Lord immediately moved to protect and deliver my unworthiness; His sovereign, life-giving power destroyed the bonds of hell in me, the devil was driven out, I felt free from the violence of the devil and from his hellish tightness, his entrapment, his tyranny. The Lord moved into me and gave me peace. Glory to the Lord for this! Before the dismissal at mass, the enemy completely consumed me, killing me with confusion, fear, fear, cramped conditions, cowardice, and I thought that I would not be able to say a word of dismissal, but with God’s help I decided to say the dismissal in a chant, loudly, without looking at anyone, and, thank God, I said it all, with all the saints, first with a trembling voice, and then with a firm voice. The enemy terribly raped me, my heart, relaxing and confusing it. Glory to the grace that strengthened me! God! Grant me to fearlessly and unfailingly say all prayers, exclamations, releases for the glory of Your name and for the consolation of Your faithful. I thank the Lord, the all-merciful Helper, for the kind service of the prayer service at Mr. Boyle’s, sincere, with a triumphant spirit, without stumbling, with the most living faith. At the very end of the prayer service, the evil one confused me with impatience and grief at the sexton for his awkwardness, because of the cramped conditions; I got rid of it after a long prayer of repentance. Moral teaching: I must be calm, calm, and kind. I did not maintain this calmness and gentleness during mass, when the sexton did not sing everything that I expected, or sang quickly, not giving me time to calmly read the prayers, but I was upset with him, and therefore restlessly, unworthily, I received the Holy Mysteries, having a great tightness in my heart. I read the prayer behind the pulpit restlessly and didn’t read it enough; The lecture was also spoken restlessly. Only after consuming the Holy Gifts was he completely healed. God bless! The dismissal of the liturgy spoke slowly, in a sing-song voice. Evening. Eleven o'clock. Due to excessive meat-eating, today before the wedding and during the wedding I was in a terrible temptation from the spirits of evil (from evil suspicion regarding the sexton Kamenogradsky because of his inhospitability and disrespect for me - oh, pride!). Tightness, shame, fear, powerlessness, death of the heart overcame me; I was exhausted, and now I turned with a prayer of repentance, asking for deliverance from the devil’s malice and wickedness, may the Lord show His boundless goodness on me, the power of His Kingdom, may He overcome the devil’s wickedness in me with His simplicity, with goodness - malice, with life - death in me. And the Lord showed His mercy to me, I was able to overcome with grace my malice, the fear of the devil, and crowned the wedding well before the removal of the crowns, but then I became embarrassed and hesitated and missed some prayers and the dismissal itself almost silently said with omissions. For this there is tightness and sorrow, and again a prayer of repentance, and again the mercy of the Lord in me, again forgiveness and peace. Glory to the Lord who saves me. The fight against invisible enemies, who fight and torment me mercilessly, enlightens and beautifies the soul and face, drives out sin from the soul, strengthens the soul in faith, hope and love and in all virtues, unites it with God, drives away demons and all unclean and evil passions. Lack of struggle is a sign of a bad state of mind. For the sake of God and the salvation of my soul, I should not eat meat, I think, after so many temptations and troubles and such abandonment from God. Evening. I thank the Lord with all my heart for His ineffable mercy towards me and the prompt obedience to my humble prayer before and during the liturgy and for delivering me from my frequent cramps and sorrows, for Divine help in the service, for the righteous admission of stumblings of heart and word, which resulted in my weakness and non-correction of the life of my damned one, for the life-giving communion of the wonderful, heavenly Mystery and perception of divine power, peace, boldness, joy, space, lightness, light, strength. I thank the Lord for delivering me from sorrow and distress during the way to the gymnasium, when I met one poor woman who took to kiss my hand, which I impatiently tore out. For which the Lord punished me, allowing the enemy to enter me and torment me with hellish cramped conditions. Through a prayer of repentance I got rid of demonic possession as I approached the gymnasium. But in the gymnasium, the enemy again caught me on the bait of voluptuousness, when [...] the Swiss woman came up to me for a blessing and rushed to kiss the cross; Only by immediately turning the eyes of my heart to God and the prayer of repentance and faith did I get rid of the voluptuous poison that was beginning to devour me. Then I made the mistake of going to Titkov’s for breakfast and eating two pieces of apple pie, which made me feel heavy and made me feel very sleepy, and my chest felt heavy. It is remarkable that when I began to eat a significant amount of meat, I developed severe nervous irritation of the insides and pain in the feet, like rheumatism. Fever with aching. Don't eat it. And the weakness of the spirit is so terrible because of it, because of meat! How the enemy, disembodied with his heart, plays! How captivating it is to ride it! Disarms me, kills me, triumphs in constant victories over me! This is what happened with Lebedev during the unction of all the conciliars, when I was reading the two Gospels: I could not finish reading the Gospels, the enemy confused me, confused me, pressed me [to the point of evil, grief]! And I came to the Lord with a prayer of repentance and faith, and the Lord saved me, giving me peace. My grief, our grief, that one can extremely quickly fall away from God and His grace, peace and boldness, the space of the heart, His truth and suffer from the unfaithfulness of one’s heart! Sin pursues us every minute, second, incessantly, day and night, insidiously catches us, wounds us, darkens us, kills us! Oh, sinful streams, deadly streams! Oh, how fiercely the enemy opposes me in every service! Paralysis of the heart and tongue happens to me due to gluttony and satiety. It is true: my spirit faints under the burden of my belly. Fleshness, fleshiness in the face and in everything: in thoughts, feelings, words, deeds, intentions. But hear, O man of flesh, what God says: My Spirit will not forever be despised by men, because they are flesh [Gen.6:3]. I need frequent baths - once a week, and not once every four or five weeks, as before, and at my age (fifty) I need this. I thank the Lord, who delivered me at the very end of the liturgy from a terrible temptation - grief and anger at the sexton during the sacrament itself because he began to sing extremely sluggishly: May God rise again, and His enemies will be scattered 118 - and it was then that invisible enemies overcame me. Oh, how poor I am in love, impatient, cowardly! I do not cover with love the mistakes and weaknesses of my neighbor! But... the enemy is fighting me with my gums, not just Shuimi. Apparently, for the glory of God, I wanted loud, clear, separate singing, and the enemy turned this into a reason for temptation: he wants to quarrel me with a good sexton. Eating meat makes me lazier - bad! Away with the meat! 10th prayer of the lamp at Matins. Vmale (Church Glav.) – very soon, barely. Stichera on the verse of Good Friday, tone 5. Gorshiy (Church Slavic) – the worst. Stichera of Holy Pascha, tone 5.