Март 1880 г.

After Matins. I thank You, most merciful, most gracious and long-suffering, all-powerful Lord, for You accepted my repentance, in the trouble and storm of the demonic world, and had mercy on me, and changed my soul from malice and zeal and envy of the abbot, and gave me peace, meekness, humility, goodness, boldness, justification, spiritual space, life in the spirit. Oh, how joyful was this blessing of the right hand of the Lady! A lesson for me in the future not to be jealous of the abbot’s peace: he, too, works in his own measure. May I always have respect, goodwill, love, and obedience toward him, for he is God’s servant for our good [Rom. 13:4]. He is in his place our king. Away from all sedition in my heart against him - it is from the devil. Evening. I thank the Lord, who deigned me to celebrate the early liturgy in the Assumption Church and to be renewed by communion of the Holy Mysteries with the defeat of all the machinations of the enemy. I thank the Lord, who delivered me for my unfeigned repentance from the great oppression and sorrow that depressed me for my angry refusal of alms to a beggar when I walked along the western rampart and looked at [...] the suburban [drying shed]. I soon gave alms to that beggar when I was walking home. I thank the Lord for my double, all-merciful salvation from such sorrow and cramped conditions in the evening at ten and a half o’clock, when I sincerely repented of my new grief at the beggar who followed me in my walk and in my secret prayer. I also gave him alms with an apology for refusing, and gave another high beggar fifty kopecks for a caftan; I sinned before that reproach of him in idleness and drinking money. And that’s not true! I have been a priest for twenty-five years and I have not yet learned to live with my heart in heaven, I have an earthly heart, passionate, proud, evil, voluptuous, material-loving, love of persons, stingy, envious, cruel, selfish, jealous, stubborn, disobedient, impatient, lazy, careless, sad, fearful. And this after so many prayers, after so many sacred rites of the liturgy, the Sacraments of Baptism, Confirmation, Repentance, Blessing of Anointing, which could even turn a stone heart into soft wax! Oh, insensibility! Oh, ingratitude! Oh, earthiness! Oh, stupidity! Oh, pure madness! I forgot to say: after how many punishments from the fathers of my Lord God, after so many sorrows, hardships, illnesses, after so many lessons I received in the school of God’s grace! Ten and a half o'clock in the evening. I thank the most merciful and gracious Lord, who has now delivered me from great sorrow and distress, which depressed me for my hardness of heart towards the poor, to whom I did not give what they asked, and as much as they asked, but much less, for there are many of them, as I thought. I prayed with faith and hope, in repentance, and the Lord delivered me and gave me life instead of death, peace instead of confusion, space instead of crampedness, boldness instead of cowardice. And earlier, the Lord delivered me, walking around the yard, from the unclean prodigal poison that had penetrated into my flesh and soul from photographic cards of naked women. I thank the Lord for the grace of serving Matins and Liturgy, for help and deliverance from the fierce wiles of the devil, for communion of the Holy Mysteries, for the spoken word given to me from His wisdom, and for defeating and trampling upon the devil’s machinations in me, with which Belial cruelly tormented me after my stumbling and embarrassment at the dismissal of the memorial service and failure to reprimand the dismissal; The Lord completely conquered this in me through my use of the Holy Gifts: from them the enemy himself received an endless plague and hastily withdrew, cruelly scorched and exposed. Glory to the Lord for everything! I thank You, Lord, who honored me with Your image and likeness - mind, truth, holiness, the gift of freedom and immortality and all kinds of spiritual and physical gifts, also the greatest gift of sonhood, I seal the Holy Spirit living and acting in me, and, most of all, by tasting Your Most Pure Body and Blood. Grant me to appear worthy of such great and ineffable Thy gifts, to be completely appropriated to You by love above all else and by the fulfillment of Thy commandments, and to hate all lawlessness and bring many, many to You, justified by Thy grace and blood. Amen. Eleven o'clock in the evening. Resurrection forgiven. I thank the Lord for the suggestion given to me by Director Janisch, although rather harsh; I must awaken from the apathy in teaching and conduct business in a living language. Start revision in the seventh and eighth grades as quickly and expansively as possible. It is clear that I have a lot of vanity, conceit, pride, evil, willfulness, negligence and laziness, that I did not accept complacently, but with grief and anger, the remark of Mr. Director regarding reading in class, and not conversation, not live conversation with students (senior classes). I confessed and repented of this before God, and I felt at ease, but before that my heart was pinched by melancholy and resentment toward my boss. Rain, it is said, is wine to the wise, and the wisest will be [Proverbs 9:9], that is, if a reasonable person notices his shortcoming, he will immediately correct himself. Today I suffered righteous grief for my sin yesterday. Six and a half o'clock in the evening. I thank and extol from the bottom of my heart the all-good, omnipresent, benevolent Lord for the speedy deliverance of me from cramped conditions and sorrow in apartment No. 8 of a sick young woman going to Sevastopol to visit her parents, with whom I served a farewell prayer service. The Lord not only delivered me from spiritual trouble, but also gave me peace, tranquility, space, joy, and boldness. Oh, what a treasure of salvation and life the Lord my God is! How good it is to cleave to Him, to believe in Him, to hope in Him, to pray to Him, to look at Him with the eyes of the heart, to repent before Him, to shed tears before Him! No one will remain in shame, believing in Him and hoping in Him, clinging to Him in prayer, contemplation of God, and charity. Glory to You, my Treasure of life! My grief [occurred] as a result of an inappropriate, although partly fair, remark to me by the director in the presence of the gymnasium instructors regarding the method of my teaching in the senior classes of the gymnasium. I would like this conclusion to be made to me, if necessary, in private. After all, I am the senior teacher at the gymnasium after the inspector. Let the director make a reprimand to student Palyanov, because of whom he attacked me. Who is the director gossiping about me? Voznesensky? Ostryakov? A lesson to me: I should not be upset for the comments made to me, but should accept them with gratitude and correct myself. After Matins. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the long torment of the enemy, which lasted from five and a half o’clock in the morning until the reading of the canon, which I read during Matins, and who gave me peace, space, life, strength, boldness! Oh Lord! You are the source of my life, my strength, my light, peace, my joy, my deliverance! Two o'clock in the afternoon. The Lord Jesus Christ delivered me from great despondency and loss of spirit, from hellish cramped conditions, when I walked home from the gymnasium and earnestly called upon Him for my help and salvation; an evil spirit tormented me and greatly depressed me; I have not seen the light of God. This is because of Principal Janisch, who made an inept comment to me regarding teaching in high school. I understand that the evil spirit confuses me, that God denounces in me self-love, pride, negligence, laziness, self-indulgence, insensitivity to my sins, and I resort to self-justification and blame my boss. I am unfair, I must humble myself and submit to the will of my boss, albeit sharply expressed. May the Lord enlighten us both. From yesterday's lean mealy food and from empty tea today, I had a bad voice during the morning, unclean, weak. I thank the Lord, who delivered me again from the tightness of hell for a short, heartfelt prayer! Oh, how evil is the ethereal villain! How he seeks to devour me! I thank the Lord, who also delivered me from the hellish sorrow caused by the enemy. Oh, wonderful, new union of God with people, so clearly and visually depicted by the icon of the Mother of God holding the Eternal Child of God in Her arms! O imperishable, most pure, pure Virgin Bride of God, who united God the Word with the glorious man of Your Nativity 108! What a wonderful mystery, amazing and terrifying to angelic minds, God has created in You for our salvation and our exaltation! May we, Christians, know God’s love for us and our Divine nobility, may we hate sin and love truth, all truth, and may we silently glorify God and the Mother of God with our hearts and lips! I myself am in venerable years, and an old campaigner. Therefore, I ask you to treat me more delicately, and not despotically, like the first among equals. I thank the Lord, who has repeatedly delivered me in school, at home, on the street, and in church from the devil’s despondency and oppression and who has given me mercy, peace, freedom, and boldness for my repentance and faith. At the funeral service at Fyodor Vasiliev, for insincerity and impurity of heart and for timidity and cowardice of the devil, I was struck by spiritual death, crampedness, and sorrow. I came to the church, kissed the throne of grace with repentance and prayer, faith, and the bonds of death were destroyed, the current of life-giving grace penetrated me, and I became peaceful and blessed by the grace of God. Soon he again crawled in thought and word, again sincerely repented, and again received mercy. Why did I do today (Wednesday of the First Week of Lent), break the fast and make a great concession to the flesh, being tempted by the sterlet ear and the fish (sterlet) by eating at dinner? Why did you drink wine and eat fruit? Apples, orange, grapes? Why did he so passionately revive the flesh, which he had begun to kill a little, eating only plant foods? So she begins again to fight strongly in spirit, [to lust], to be agitated by passion. Rather, again for abstinence, enhanced abstinence! Have mercy on me, God, have mercy on me! Morning. O accursed me, slave of corruption and fetid, stinking passions! Lured last night by fresh fish (sterlet) given to me by Gorbunov (sent from Astrakhan), I had no peace all night from lustful passion, from animal urges! And what a stench from the winds of the stomach! It’s simply unbearable, whereas this did not happen from plant foods, which I ate exclusively for almost three days! May God grant that I don’t eat more fish throughout Lent! The heart coarsens, turns to stone from animal food, leans toward the earth, turns away from heaven, and the demonic ferocity increases. After Matins. I thank the Lord, who delivered me for faith, repentance and persistent prayer from the deadly, all-torturing sting of the devil during Matins, when I repeatedly fell before His terrible and life-giving throne, and who gave me peace, freedom and space, strength and boldness. (Again because of the director and class teachers, whom the enemy instilled suspicion in me as spies.) Those who slander the secret 109 of their sincere ones, they expel them [Ps. 100:5]. Nine and a half o'clock in the morning. I thank the Lord for the great deliverance of my soul from fierce devilish violence and bitterness (grief) during the funeral service for the young woman Maria (Vasilieva, daughter of Fyodor Vasiliev) for my tearful repentance and tearful prayer. Oh, how the adversary constantly seeks to devour my soul, how he oppresses, stings with his fiery and deadly stings, paralyzes, kills her, poor and naked of all virtues! What lies, insincerity, duality, discord between words and feelings, much less deeds, settles in me, implants in me, blocks my heartfelt and bodily lips, so as not to proclaim praise to God, the Mother of God, holy Angels and holy people, so as not to tell people the consolations of faith, not to proclaim repentance and pardon to repentant sinners, so as not to pray for mercy and the repose of departed Christians. At every word of prayer, thanksgiving and glorification he sometimes puts obstacles in my way, and during all sacred rites and prayers he thrusts his hellish stings into my soul, bringing death to my soul! But You, Lord, with unspeakable mercy, extinguish all the kindled arrows of the evil one, crush his stings, lead me to the pasture of life and give my soul peace! Glory to You! I thank the Lord for the great, all-powerful, all-merciful, quick deliverance of my soul from the hellish cramped conditions and confusion in the gymnasium over the imaginary espionage of some teachers and hostility towards them, which I overcame in myself with grace and peace and philanthropy. The Lord gave me peace, boldness, space. Glory to the God of my salvation! Grant me sincerity, Lord, in all prayers and sacred services, purity of heart, pure prayer, peace of mind, tranquility, freedom of spirit, constant regularity. Orthodoxy, the Orthodox faith and the Church, like the sun, shines in the heavens, able to save every person who professes the Orthodox faith and belongs to the Orthodox Church. Orthodoxy is in all its purity the heavenly truth on earth, undamaged by human wisdom, perverse, false, and soul-destroying. Six and a half o'clock in the evening. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from demonic distress at the funeral service of Fyodor Vasiliev for his daughter Maria; I proclaimed peacefully and without stumbling during it, but during the liberation the enemy confused me with his false fear, erased me, and I, like a dead man, did not say the end of the liberation, and again there was an ulcer, death, sorrow, crampedness; walked along the road and prayed for deliverance; I came home - the same thing, and again the Lord delivered in His name, and again peace and freedom, again healing, renewal! There is an abyss of malice in demons, an abyss of death from them to my soul. But thank God! - God’s infinite goodness always overcomes the enemy’s malice and mine, for there is an abyss of goodness in the Lord, more (infinitely more) than in the demons of malice. I thank the Lord, who provides for His poor through His servant Stefanida: again today, three months later, I received fifteen rubles to distribute to them. Oh, wonderful providence of God! If you crawl in thought and heart and carnal, passionate movement into inner sin, hasten with whole-hearted, albeit difficult repentance to drive it out of the depths of your soul, and may it not establish its footsteps in you for one hour. The enemy stops me during worship and prayers through intimidation and despair in the mercy of God and through a reminder of my falls into sin, voluntary and involuntary, in knowledge and in ignorance, committed in reason and foolishness, but this demonic fear, this despair is a new grave sin. Should a Christian be afraid of the spirits of evil when Christ is his salvation and protection? Should he despair when Christ is his hope and he alone sins and gives an answer to him alone? His heart must always be filled with hope [Ps. 15], even if he has committed many grave sins. For who is without sin? Who will throw a stone of condemnation at me? We are all in sin, and no one is clean from filth. Amen. I thank the Lord, my Deliverer, who saved me from cramped conditions and sorrow after carrying out the body of the young woman Maria Vasilyeva (Fedora Vasilyeva’s daughter), for for not uttering the words of exclamation and dismissal, out of fear of demons, the enemy struck my soul with death, and the Lord saved me from it and gave life and peace. Ten o'clock in the evening. I thank You, Lord, for You extinguished in my heart the enmity and hostility towards the sexton of Kamenograd Dimitri, giving me righteous, spiritual wisdom instead of the former carnal one. Grant me, Lord, the grace not to have secret or open enmity towards anyone, even if someone despises or offends me, teach me meekness and kindness. The sign of the cross, made on themselves by Orthodox Christians, depicts the entire essence of the Christian faith - the Holy Trinity and the wondrous salvation of us sinners, accomplished by the Trinity through the incarnation, suffering, death and resurrection of the One Christ God from the Trinity! Oh, wisdom in a simple sign! Oh, the wisdom of the Holy Church! Oh, wisdom! On the forehead, on the heart and on the shoulders or muscles, we place the sign of the cross in order to imprint on the mind and heart and in all activities the mystery of the Holy Trinity and the incarnation, suffering and death and resurrection of the Son of God for our sake, in order to cast, so to speak, to the foot of the cross all our strength and abilities, our entire life, in order to crucify ourselves to Christ, to die unceasingly for the world and sin, in order to love the Holy Trinity with all with all your heart, with all your mind, with all your strength. Four o'clock in the evening. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the greatest misfortune, the scourge of the enemy - from hostility towards the sexton of Kamenograd, with which (hostility) the ethereal villain hellishly tormented me throughout Matins until the canon, and during the reading of the canon and after an intense prayer of repentance during the preceding part of Matins, he bounced back like an arrow with the prayers of the Mother of God and the holy Great Martyr Theodore Tyrone. Then, during mass, the Lord delivered me from the stubbornly fighting and killing enemies who oppressed me, when I loudly and slowly read prayers to the people: I believe, Lord, and I confess... and so on, until then it terribly oppressed me, confused me, and did not give me peace. Ten o'clock in the evening. I thank the Lord, who gave me the grace to perform a prayer service without stumbling, sincerely at the Ushakovs and a christening at the Oparovskys. I especially thank the Lord for the gift of tenderness and fiery prayer for people during the all-night vigil and for the speedy deliverance from the deadly wiles of the devil after reading the (incomplete, stolen) Gospel and at the end of the all-night vigil, when he stole it and did not pronounce all the absolution. When the people were applying themselves to the Gospel, I, feeling how much the devil through sin dishonored human nature, including me, took a deep breath about my wretchedness, poverty, misery, blindness and nakedness and about the same human qualities and prayed with the grace of the Holy Spirit with all my soul for myself and for people, especially those in the church, thus: Lord! Cleanse the desecrated human nature, renew the corrupted, enlighten the darkened, almost desecrate, warm the icy, ennoble the stinking, revive the dead, reunite the alienated, appropriate the sinful, sanctify the weakened, imagine the disfigured, beautify the absurd, restore the fallen, that which is hostile to love, that which is desperate 110 is gladdened by hope, that which is despondent, it is comforted, that which is weak, it is strengthened, that which is unjustified, 111 is enriched with righteousness, that which is deceitful is made true, that which is deceitful is made true, that which is ignorant is taught, that which is corrupt is corrected, that which is prodigal is chaste, that which is cunning is made simple, that which is cunning, is made wise, that which is grounded in heaven, that which is coarse, is refined, fleshly spirituality, which has become demon-like and god-like. Oh, how highly You honored human nature with Your incarnation and incarnation, seating it on the throne of the Divine, purifying and renewing our nature with baptism, giving birth to it, sanctifying it with Chrismation and establishing it in truth, deifying us through Communion, making us Your children, Your souls, uniting with the nature of the ethereal Powers of Heaven! What will we give You for this? Apart from love and loyalty to You, the fulfillment of Your holy and perfect will, we cannot give anything, for You created everyone and everything, and from You are alpha and omega. I bad, insincerely, coldly, carelessly, unpreparedly confessed in the First Week of Lent (one hundred and ninety-two people), without instilling how great love for humanity the Lord showed us in granting people repentance and how precious every Christian soul is. You were not created for the corruptible sweets and beauties of this world and live in this world, but for the eternal enjoyment of the beauty and sweetness of the Creator both here and in the future imperishable age. So, do not be seduced, my soul, by the rough, corruptible, sometimes unclean sweets and fading beauty here, do not attach your heart to the blessings here, lest you fall away from the ever-present good. Lift up your heart, O man! You are the part above, my soul, recognize your divine nobility and do not remain in those here. God! I thank You for extinguishing in my heart the absurd enmity and hostility that arose before the late mass towards the unfriendly and disobedient psalm-reader Demetrius of Kamenograd. I prayed in repentance of my heart in the church, at Your throne, I fell to it in hope, and You cut off hostility and oppression from my soul with grace and revived and pacified it. But make this reader Demetrius, O Lord, a good one, for without You neither I nor he can do anything [John 15:5]. Grant me, Lord, with meekness and kindness, patience and condescension, to defeat those who hate me and do not submit to me, and to overcome evil with goodness, for anger and vengeance harden and irritate both the offended and the offender and increase the flame of enmity; The safest and most reliable thing is love, meekness, patience, simplicity, lack of suspicion, regret for the one who offends us, for he suffers trouble from the enemy the devil, and not the one who is offended by him. Love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who use you and persecute you [Matthew 5:44]. I thank the Lord for his help during the liturgy, for softening and pacifying my heart and for the uncondemned acceptance of the most pure and life-giving Mysteries with the revival from them, and for pronouncing the word I composed on the Sunday of Orthodoxy. I thank the Lord for the sweet, sweet peace that the Lord gave me after an internal repentant prayer for deliverance from the violence and oppression of the disembodied enemy, which tormented me after reading the Gospel, in which I missed a few words at the end. I thank the Lord for overcoming the greatest temptations and difficulties in His name during Vespers regarding the late arrival of the deacon for Vespers and regarding the arrival of the sexton of Kamenogradsky to the church for, as I thought, espionage purposes. I thank the Lord for the boldness the Lord gave me when saying dismissal at Compline (full), when performing baptisms outside the city, when singing a prayer service in church. The name of Christ produced a wonderful effect in me during acute temptation, common from evil and all-cunning spirits. When I fell in faith and in repentance to the throne of God, then suddenly an evil viper or a poisonous leech seemed to break away from my insides, from my ribs, and I felt so light, easy! I glorified the Lord. From here it is obvious that in drunkards and fornicators and in general incontinence, the devil, as it were, grows together with their flesh and blood and their soul, becomes one spirit with them, just as he who cleaves to the Lord is one spirit with the Lord [1 Cor. 6:17]. This is why drunkards and fornicators suffer so much, why they are so angry and violent. This is why fasting is necessary for salvation, for deliverance from evil spirits! I thank the Lord for the repeated, speedy, all-merciful deliverance of my wretchedness from the fierce machinations of the enemy, for the healing of my spiritual ulcers, for deliverance from confusion and cramped conditions and the stings of the serpent, and for the gift of life, mental health, peace, and space. Six and a half o'clock in the evening. I thank the Lord, who gave me tenderness and revival when reading prayers at the Presanctified Liturgy and who saved me from grave embarrassment while reading the hours at the sight of the sexton of Kamenograd standing in the altar. I went to the Peter's chapel, venerated the throne with faith and repentance, and was healed by the Lord from confusion and cramped conditions and hostility. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the confusion of the enemy at Compline and gave me the grace to unfalteringly read the prayer during the rest and the litany of dismissal with forgiveness from those who stood by. I thank the Lord, who has now delivered me from great distress when I repented in faith. I thank the Lord, who marked for me the morning of this day with great and ineffable and many blessings, for the Lord saved me many times when I called on His name in repentance, from the evil sorrows inflicted on me by Belial before Matins at the sixth hour, during Matins many times and after Matins, when I had a mortal wound in my soul for cowardice and fear when saying absolution and, having spoken all the names of the saints in order, I did not pronounce only the name of Saint Euthymius, Archbishop of Novgorod and the Holy Blessed Prince Alexander Nevsky. Because of gluttony, I suffered great misfortunes from enemies during Matins; The ethereal villain stung me with the poison of rancor. During the hours and the Presanctified Mass, an abyss of anger flowed towards me: the drunken (albeit a little) sexton Nikitin, lying, tyrant, unprepared, then the Kamenograd sexton with snake-like malice, cunning and deceit; Through them, the original evildoer attacked me so much that I could hardly bear the burden of temptation by the grace of God, and only my zealous repentance and the infinite goodness and power of God delivered me from the destruction and fall of the universe. I gained control over myself and defeated my enemies by the power of God; The Lord had mercy on me and delivered me from the troubles of hell that rightly surrounded me for yesterday’s intemperance (at Burachok’s), fish-eating and wine-drinking (one glass). Nighttime corruption almost happened from a satanic unclean dream due to yesterday's gluttony and indulgence (honey, dates, jam from Polyakov and Lebedev). I woke up and offered a prayer of repentance to the Lord; then there was no temptation. I thank the Lord, who destroyed the machinations of the enemy in me: the evil suspicion regarding the sexton of Kamenograd and reconciled me with him, for which I fervently prayed during the liturgy, being in great trouble and distress from evil demons. Yesterday the Lord delivered me from hell, from hell, during the Presanctified Liturgy before Our Father, especially after communion and consumption of all the Holy Gifts. God bless! I thank the Lord, who manifested His salvation in me many times through the prayer of repentance during my service of Matins and especially during mass, when they sang, Lord, I cried out at the open royal doors, May it be corrected... Put, O Lord, guardianship with my mouth [Ps. 140:3], and especially after consuming the perfect Holy Gifts. Oh, how I was renewed and at peace then! I thank the Lord for my repeated salvation at Vespers and Compline, when I, wounded by the enemy for concealing, at his own slander, the words of forgiveness sought from those present, and exclamations at the final litany, fell to the throne, repenting and asking for mercy. During the Sacrament of Baptism, the Lord had mercy on me when, tempted by the half-foolish widow Theoktista, who was kneeling during the Sacrament, I became embittered with her, but then sincerely condemned myself for this. But my enemy mortally wounded me when this woman invited her to serve a prayer service and walked with me very slowly, and when I served her prayer service not very willingly and calmly and not lovingly, despising her somewhat as if she were crazy. I felt grief because of her, I suffered a lot because of her, and barely regained God’s mercy and peace of mind through repentance. This is for my pride and anger! I should not have despised her, but looked at her with love and simplicity as a member of Christ and mine and the Church: she is meek, kind, simple, loving, affectionate, pious, long-suffering and long-suffering - why should I hate her? To despise her is to kill her. After Matins. During the service of Matins, I was extremely embarrassed with grief at Father Deacon Arseny Dobronravin for his haste and fussiness in the service for the sexton and, most importantly, ineptitude and lack of preparation. I am extremely wrong in this, I should be calm in the face of any errors, malfunctions, shortcomings of my colleagues, like the helmsman of a ship during a storm and trouble. For what is the point and use of the helmsman to worry and lose his mind when a storm throws the ship from side to side and, perhaps, tears the sails? This is where he should be calm, cool and reasonable, otherwise the whole ship may perish from the loss of his calmness, firmness and reasoning. In general, the priest also needs to be cool-blooded when he sees the mistakes of his subordinates and do the work himself calmly, sincerely, with love, and quietly, meekly admonish the sinning brother. After all, we are all human and prone to mistakes, mistakes, and we desire leniency from others. Out of indignation and grief, I could not fully pronounce the prayer, Lord and Master of my life (the second in a row), but I read the entire prayer to Christ, the True Light; I stole the release, just the tip. I sinned - yesterday evening I ate a lot of fried small fish and drank beer. Damn man I am! And yesterday I experienced every kind of sweetness, from the fruits of the earth to satiety! Alas for me! Woe to me, the transgressor of the Divine commandment of fasting! The Lord is good, long-suffering and abundantly merciful to me and to everyone, but I am angry, impatient and irritable towards weak and sinful people like myself. Yesterday during Matins I was angry with the young deacon for his unpreparedness for the service and for his haste, and for how I suffered from the torment of demons! Terrible! How I spun, shifted, how cramped, oppressed, dejected I was - I could not speak: I sang a prayer to Christ, the true Light instead of speaking - and well, I sang it all to the word, and if I had spoken, I would not have uttered it. I thank the Lord for deliverance during the hours and mass from various temptations of the enemy and from coldness; I thank the Lord for his help during Compline, throughout the day; I thank you for the temptations that punish, admonish, soften my hardened heart, refine my soul, hardened in sins. I unite into one the entire abyss, the abyss of my sins and my weaknesses, past and present, and the entire abyss of God’s mercy, poured out on me in the past and incessantly pouring out at the present time, and I am struck salutarily, [touchingly] by the abyss of God’s mercy towards me, and I cry and am tearfully touched in my heart. Oh, how You, Lord, have suffered on me, the accursed one, so many sins, outrages, all sorts of evils, hardness of heart, suspicion, wickedness, unclean thoughts found, the same sensations, satiety, disobedience, gloating, malice, laziness, negligence, failure to fulfill the duty of priesthood, teaching, leadership, unworthy perception of the Holy Mysteries and other things! I praise Your immeasurable mercy, I condemn my insensitivity and ingratitude! And how much wonderful help You, Lord, showed in my preaching works! You have always given me your word for the benefit of me and Your people! And how many deliverances have been granted to me by the Lord for repentance from my sins! How many life-giving streams of grace, streams of God’s sweetness have I tasted through Your mercy towards me, my God! For everything, for everything, glory, glory to You! Be patient with me, a sinner, and with sinners like me, just as you are patient, O Long-suffering One, with drunkards, fornicators, intemperates of all kinds, with all kinds of sinners! The bodiless villain and the parent of all madness, all blasphemy against God and the saints instills in my heart and in my thoughts the thought that the eclipse of the sun, the earthquake, the disintegration of stones did not occur from the annoyance of creatures to the Creator and the Lord of glory, who hung on the cross, but from natural causes, and kills my soul with this false, slanderous thought. Why did the dead rise at the same time? Is it from natural causes? Why was the curtain of the church torn at the same time? Glory to Thee, Creator of all, Lord Jesus Christ, Wonderworker, Almighty! I believe in the holy apostles, who spoke everything through the Holy Spirit! Amen. In You, the Lady Most Holy Theotokos, all the Divinity, all the truth of God, all the holiness of God, all the simplicity of the Divine, all the light of the Divine, all the fragrance of the Divine, the goodness of the Divine, the power of the Divine, the omniscience of the Divine, all the light of the Divine, all deification, dominion, the kingdom, the unapproachable greatness after the Lord, rested and now rests 112. Save me, O Lady, overwhelmed and shaken by the blasphemies of the enemy. Grant me forever with a fiery heart and fiery lips to glorify Thee according to my heritage, together with the fiery angelic armies and with all the saints, with the whole Church! Year after year, every year, the Holy Church prepares us for the worthy celebration of great Christian holidays with fasting and fasting and prayers. For what? In order for us to be enlightened, purified, sanctified, strengthened and adorned spiritually for a worthy celebration of them, first here on earth, and then, at the end of this life, and in heaven, we are worthy to present ourselves with a pure heart to the most luminous light of the Holy Trinity and celebrate the eternal holiday of eternal joy and bliss, the holiday of redemption and deification. Whoever is careless here and does not adequately prepare for the celebration of great Christian holidays, how will he be able to enter the bright chamber of the Kingdom of Heaven and worthily celebrate the future eternal holiday? It will not be possible and will not be able to celebrate, and will be cast out into utter darkness, into eternal torment. May we continually pay attention to ourselves here on earth and may we cleanse ourselves from all filthiness of the flesh and spirit, creating holiness in the passion of God [2 Cor. 7:1]. From what terrible, painful snares of the devil I was delivered today during Matins by the grace of God and repentance, and how grateful I should be to the Lord for His ineffable mercy towards me, that He did not allow the enemy, because of my sins, to completely overcome and devour me and mock me before all people and through me to confuse all people! From what storm, misfortune, confusion, powerlessness I was able to overcome with the help of God! Oh, may I not tempt the Lord with intemperance and fish-eating, like yesterday, and most importantly, with satiety! After a late evening dinner at five o’clock in the evening, I had dinner again at seven o’clock: the old food was not absorbed by the body, did not enter the body, and I added new food to myself and ruined everything - soul and body, and gave a place to the incorporeal enemy in myself. Oh, glutton! And when? During Lent. At five o’clock I didn’t eat fish, but at seven o’clock I ate fish with gusto! When I served Matins, I could not speak because of the machinations of the enemy in me, the second litany after the prayers for the king, and I spoke the great litany restlessly, embarrassed by the fear of the enemy and his poisonous abuses. But on the eve and further to the end he prevailed over the enemies of God with the grace and mercy ineffable and spoke the litanies without stumbling, with tenderness, except for the first small litany on the canon, in which he did not glorify the Lady as he should, without stumbling. Evening. During the Liturgy of the Presanctified Gifts, the Lord worked great powers of salvation in me, and by His grace I performed the service with boldness and with tenderness; During and immediately after communion, the enemy attacked me with strong indignation at the deacon for the awkwardness of serving a hot censer, from which hot coals spilled onto the carpet (and I felt sorry for the carpet). But through repentance and prayer I begged the Lord for forgiveness. I rarely read the pulpit and read it all to the end with God’s help - the enemy could not tear out the words from the prayer, and strike me with stuttering; Vacation spoke firmly. At Compline before the dismissal and during and after the dismissal, the Lord surprised me with His power and mercy in giving me peace and the boldness to say completely calmly the dismissal and the liberation litany. Before this, my soul was struck by an acute paroxysm 113, a demonic sting, confusion and tightness, and in this state I fell many times before the throne of grace and received wondrous grace: the wondrous, life-giving streams of the Holy Spirit completely healed my soul. After confession, upon arriving home, I was angry with my wife for some faults and therefore received a mental ulcer, but I prayed fervently to the Lord in repentance and His mercy, and in His name I again received wondrous deliverance and salvation. God bless! The Lord is near. Lutherans do not have the Sacrament of Repentance and remain in sin. How happy, countless happy we are that we have repentance and all the Sacraments! But among us there are those infected with Luther’s heresy, who neglect repentance and do not go to confession. Child, your sins are forgiven [Mark 2:5]! There would be terrible grief and torment for us if our sins were not forgiven! The abyss of the Lord’s bounty is revealed to us in the gift of repentance: we can continually get rid of our countless iniquities and be renewed every day, get rid of the death of sin and be revived by the grace of the Holy Spirit and cheerfully continue the course of life! Lutherans don't have this! I was tempted today (from the 14th to the 15th) in a dream in a misfortune with one of the merchants and from the merchant: together they stole some squares or cubes from the chest, in which, apparently, there was something edible, but which cannot be eaten, like rubber or leather. O covetousness! Covetousness! We love to acquire, but we do not like to give to the poor. Evening, five o'clock. During Saturday Matins (commemoration of the dead) during my service, I was subjected to an acute temptation through myself and Nikitin’s sexton Adrian and through the capture of ethereal enemies: I was upset with Nikitin because he stopped my chant and, in spite of me, sang another verse (from Psalm 118), from this the poison of the serpent struck my heart mortally, I lost peace, space, light, strength and could calmly remember the dead and pronounce litanies, although he internally repented to the Lord, condemned himself and justified Nikitin, or excused him. Already while reading the canon and with intense repentance and self-condemnation, I was pardoned by God and calmed down. During the liturgy, the Lord repeatedly delivered me, had mercy on me, destroying the death of my heart and giving it life and peace. But at the very end of the mass, when I was taking the Holy Chalice with the Holy Gifts to the altar, I was struck by an acute temptation of the devil from pitying the prosphyros taken by the altar guard: again the devil’s poison killed my heart, which had just been revived by the communion of the most pure Body and Blood (and rightly so) for the fact that, having tasted the true Bread of Life, I regretted the decaying bread, wanting to please the belly and for the sake of your belly - people. I sincerely repented of this, I repented for a long time, intensely, and the Lord forgave me, giving me reason to understand, a man of little faith, carnal, multi-passionate, man-pleasing, gluttonous. A lesson to me: not to have any passion for bread or belly, not for any flesh, not for any fabrics, not for metals, not for any artistic things, but to have God alone as your part, as your treasure. My soul is simple and united and cannot be divided between God and the world or matter; she is spiritual, god-like, immortal, in the one God her life, her light, her tranquility, her strength, her beauty, her sweetness, her glory, her food and drink - everything, and the body is a temporary dwelling, a temporary organ, perishable, transitory, disappearing like smoke, steam. Grant me, Lord, not to forget the duty of fasting and not to eat fish during fasting, for it causes strong prodigal tension in the members, as it did tonight from the 15th to the 16th of March (Sunday): I ate herring in the evening. I am a sinner who has surpassed all sinners from Adam until now, but Christ came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am the first [1 Timothy 1:15]. Do not despair and do not be discouraged, my soul: your Savior is omnipotent and can cleanse every sin. Satan drums hard every day on our nerves and produces sinful, ticklish, painful irritations: be patient and pray and mortify the flesh, mortify sweets. It is impossible for the sun not to shine, it is impossible for the brightest of the sun, the Most Pure Virgin Mother of God, not to pour out Her blessings on those who honor Her and who resort to Her protection sincerely. When, when looking at girls or women, you are overwhelmed by unclean thoughts, then remember the pillar of virginity, the Most Holy Virgin Mary, and almost the shrine of virginity in every virgin and in every woman, the image of God, as well as in yourself, and keep yourself and others in purity, not touched by evil thoughts. Resurrection. During Matins, the temptations were very severe, especially after the main dismissal, which I stole out of fear of demons, but after this, having venerated the holy altar with faith and repentance, I felt the great power of God’s grace, which drove away the demonic intrigues and forces and gave me grace and peace. During the Liturgy, I again felt the painful goring thorns, which during the Gospel, through prayer and the power of grace, were pulled out, and I became peaceful. At the great entrance there was demonic fear and failure to pronounce the names of the royal persons; First of all, remember, the Lord, out of fear of demons, stole it, only uttered the end. The word was strong. The canon at Matins was read briskly and loudly. After mass, Kamenogradsky did not go to the services, making the excuse that it was not time, although he did not get excited and retained some respect. God be his judge! And the rector too, who deprived me of a sexton and did not give me another in his place. Oh, holy members! Oh, everyday members, reproductive organs, lips, belly, lungs, liver, maternal breasts! Oh, omnipotent, unblemished members! How wisely, purely, gracefully, needily, and blissfully constructed you are! And do they seduce us, plunge us into delusion and make us slaves of the flesh and the devil? Oh madness! Oh, ingratitude! Glory to You, the all-good, all-wise, all-beautiful, all-powerful Creator and Savior of ours, who formed from the earth such beauty, such organs, such need, such goodness! Oh, our admiration, You, the all-good and beautiful, all-holy, all-wonderful, all-powerful Creator. Glory, glory, glory to You! I thank the Lord for the gift of reading, singing, praying in church at Matins and for deliverance from sins and spiritual anguish. Today I acted extremely unreasonably and greedily, having a second meal of Lenten noodles at home: through this, my soul was deprived of the grace of God, weakened to fight the thoughts and sinful movements of the heart and fell from the sweet Jesus, my Lord, being subjected to impurity and confusion; during the prayer service I got confused many times (at the Grechukhins); the thorns of sin did not give me peace, and after the prayer service, in a prayer of repentance, in secret, I asked the Lord for mercy, communication with God and peace of mind. This is what greed and excess in food mean, how harmful it is, how it weakens the soul with unclean thoughts and removes it from God! Morning. I thank the Lord, who, through the prayer of my repentance, delivered me from the acute temptation during Matins, with which the all-evil villain tempted me regarding my removal from the Committee for supplying the poor with clothing because of the whim of the German pastor Bosse, who did not tolerate a word of truth regarding the unfair distribution of clothing between Orthodox and Lutherans. The extremely kindled arrows of the evil one scorched me strongly, but the Lord sitting on the throne sovereignly delivered me from them, giving me the dew of His grace and the space of peace in my heart, and I rejoiced and rejoiced in God’s salvation. Today, while celebrating the early liturgy in the Assumption Church (on my behalf), my heart was drowned by enemy temptations with increased scrofula inside and in the right ear, from which purulent matter came out abundantly, and at Sorokin’s unction, a river of temptations completely flooded me; my heart completely weakened, I was in fear, confusion, cramped conditions, tears, and only thanks to tears with strong repentance and the consciousness of my damnation, my poverty, destitution, nakedness and blindness, I was awarded imperfect help from God and the end of the prayers, the Gospel and dismissal did not say. Everyone was calm: two priests and a deacon, and two sextons, I alone was in confusion. How unworthy I felt! The devil exaggerated and brought to despair the consciousness of my lewdness and completely lowered my spirit, and this should not be the case in a priest when performing the sacraments and prayers, but there should be trust in the mercy of God and the consciousness of one’s dignity with a direct look at all those present at prayer, with impressive courage and self-confidence. For who will respect a priest when he does not respect himself? And who is sinless? One God. Today’s incident during Sorokin’s unction and such an extremely painful, desperate mood of my soul against my will, which was the result of my gluttony, should serve as a theme for me when composing a word for the Week of the Worship of the Cross. Without communing the Divine Mysteries for almost a whole week, I was terribly exposed to Divine grace and help, left with my weaknesses, sins and passions, with my damnation, powerlessness, nakedness, shame, blindness, poverty. I experienced all this during the service of the liturgy and especially during the unction of Sorokin: all the time of the unction I cried painfully about my wretchedness, about the powerlessness of my heart to sincerely love God and my neighbor (and to the sick person himself, and to all those who gathered to pray), about low pride, love of money, love of voluptuousness. Foxes have holes and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head [Matthew 8:20] (and in me). The dead, we bury the dead [Luke 9:60]. Truly I am a dead man, although I have a name that I am alive, for this is what people think of me. Look at the Mother of God as at Christ God Himself, for He is surrounded by Her image, His appearance, He eternally dwells in Her and fills Her all with Himself, like fire is a red-hot iron. Our “I” is the greatest enemy of God and ours – let us deny ourselves. Why do some hearts glow with [seraphic] love for God, while others have no love for God and are attached with all their hearts to the world and what is in the world: the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes and the pride of life? Some are heavenly, others are earthly? Our priestly ministry is the ministry of renewal, incorruption, immortality, sanctification, reconciliation of people with God, deification, strengthening, enlightenment, ministry of love, self-sacrifice, salvation. What is the beauty of a human face? A temporary, transitory image, a man in which the Supreme Artist God painted His image and likeness, reflected His incomparable, uncreated, imperishable beauty. We must look with reverence at the image of God in man. I thank the Lord, who showed me His great mercy and help during the service of the late liturgy in the Assumption Church and made me worthy to partake of the life-giving Holy Mysteries and say my word. I thank the Lord, who has given me the grace to perform Vespers without stumbling from beginning to end. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the snares of the enemy during Matins and gave me the grace and strength to perform Matins without stumbling, with all the litanies, prayers, canon and dismissal. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the deadly sting of the devil: from hostility towards the sexton of Kamenograd, who did not greet me with the usual acceptance of a blessing, and who gave me peace and boldness after confusion, cowardice and oppression for my zealous repentance. This happened twice: at a memorial service at Sorokin’s and in the Church of the Dormition of the Mother of God during the hours. Within hours the devil attacked me terribly - he kindled the furnace inside me with the sevenfold, the furnace of malice. On that and other times, I forced myself in every possible way to the love of the Gospel, and grace prevailed - the enemy was driven away, I remained intact and completed the service without stumbling. Let you love one another [John 13:34]. Love your enemies... do good to those who hate you... [Matthew 5:44]. And the sexton Kamenogradsky didn’t do me any harm. I thank and glorify, unworthy, my Lord Jesus Christ, who delivered me yesterday during the Annunciation Vigil from terrible intrigues, from fears and fears and dreams of the devil, vile and blasphemous, and who sent me good and holy thoughts, especially during the reading of the Six Psalms and when censing on polyeleos, for example, how the Lord perfumed human nature, stinking with all sorts of sins, He was fragrant with His descent to earth, and incarnation, and incarnation from the Most Pure Virgin Mary; the idea of ​​the integrity of the representation of Christianity, the Orthodox faith and the Church, their beginning, purpose, purpose in relation to the human race, revelations, prophecies, prototypes, their fulfillment; about the integrity of the presentation of the Divine Person of Jesus Christ, His birth, upbringing, life, teaching, miracles, suffering, patience, long-suffering, meekness, kindness, immeasurable holiness, immeasurable wisdom, death, resurrection and ascension, sending of the Holy Spirit and constant presence and action in the Church, in its teaching, worship, Sacraments, governance (this is compiled from the annual divine service of the Church the integrity of the representation of all Christianity and its history, historical destinies); about the integrity of Christian wisdom, about the integrity of the Christian soul itself: mind, heart, will, intentions. The enemy tyrannized me terribly during the service, simply tormenting me to pieces. As a person guilty of sin, carnal passions, in this regard I was completely in his claws, in his jaws - woe to me, a sinner! This integrity of the concept of Christianity can be in a self-controlled soul, cleansed of worldly passions and addictions, in a meek, chaste, self-controlled soul. To assimilate this integrity, constant fasting and prayer are needed, which is what the saints of our Church, who rose to such a height of spiritual contemplation, constantly did. I thank the Lord for reviving me, indecent, dying in sins during the liturgy and constantly in fear for myself, from temptations from the devil and my passionate flesh. At the great entrance, I was paralyzed by demonic fear and did not pronounce the names of the heir and heiress and their son; Then, in a prayer of repentance, I received from the Lord the mercy of spiritual peace after confusion. The voice was weak during the service, the Holy Synod and the Metropolitan did not remember out of absurd fear of demons and from cooling towards the Synod and the Metropolitan for their formal service to the Orthodox Church without spirit and strength. In general, I was in the greatest distress and confusion during the liturgy and even after. Communion revived me. A state of nervous irritation. I thank the Lord for the wonderful, quick grant of grace of deliverance from my sins and from the wiles of the devil during my trip to the memorial service at Sorokin in the evening and for peace of mind; thank you for the new salvation at the memorial service and after the memorial service. For as the sufferings of Christ increase in us, our consolation also increases through Christ [2 Cor. 1:5]. I allowed some hostility towards Abbot Paul for his greed for money and for his indifference to the poor and for his lack of communication with us, the brothers of the cathedral. But for repentance the Lord delivered me, as I said above. The Lord taught me that through love for people of every character, through prayer and prayer for them, you can always win, and not lose, that is, you can defeat your enemies, and keep yourself intact in your heart, and only fulfill the law of God, and not ruin. Oh, who will give me sincere, unfeigned, all-encompassing love, which does not fall away, excluding all material, passionate, impure love? Who will give me dispassion? I thank the Lord for his wondrous, gracious help during Matins, when I was powerless in soul and body after eating meat broth and milk with tea in the evening, and was drowned by my sins and bodiless enemies; The mercy and power of God prevailed over all sins. Especially during the funeral mass, it was very, very difficult for me from lack of sleep and severe scrofula, but I endured, endured extreme weakness, and through the communion of the Holy Mysteries I was very, very revived. During Vespers (Compline) I was embarrassed by the income from Burachok and Hildebrandt turned in my favor with the sexton for a memorial service in the Church of the Assumption. After Matins it was, and after Compline again from them for a prayer service I wrote two rubles into a mug. But this is income from my personal friendship, from abundant labor (which is five times, six times more than other brethren), it must be used worthily and righteously on the poor on behalf of all the brethren, so that the Lord will send and bless (and blesses) our income. Because of the great bounty of God, we must give alms, but the brethren are completely negligent, especially the abbot. I will do it, so that the generosity of God, the goodness of God, will not be blasphemed. Freely you have received, freely give [Matthew 10:8]. I thank the Lord, who showed me His wonderful and all-good help during the service of Matins and who repeatedly delivered me from the snares of the demons that acted within me and fiercely wounded me. I thank the Lord, who showed me His help during the service of Compline. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the unclean movement of my heart in K. Lebedev’s apartment: only I cried out internally to the Lord in repentance, and He immediately delivered me and gave me peace. I am unfaithful to my Lord until now, I betray Him, I do not keep the vow, the oath given at Baptism: I deny Satan and all his works, and all the angels, and all his ministry, and all his pride. I need to remind myself and other Christians of this important vow, the vow to live holy and righteously and not to be a doer of any sin. Why am I scratching the scabs of voluptuousness? Why do I indulge in intemperance in food and drink every day? Why sweets and delicacies? Why fish? Why not forward, but back everything? Why don’t I collect, but waste? Is there any point in that? Yesterday, from eating an abundance of fresh sterlet (extremely tender and tasty fish) and fresh bream, and from drinking wine in the gymnasium at Klementyev’s and Lebedev’s, and from drinking tea with very sweet jam, I was overcome by a fierce passion for fornication during Matins, and I could not unfailingly glorify the Most Pure Lady in three litanies (great and two small), overcome by the demon of voluptuousness! Oh, woe to me, the incontinent one, who places idols of the womb in a holy place - in my heart, which should be the temple of the Holy Spirit. Oh, how impossible it is to reconcile gluttony with godliness! And I thought of agreeing on disagreements. How long do I not follow the example of the saints who put to death all carnal passions and loved God inseparably with all their hearts? Oh, how faithfully one must observe fasting and not eat fish during fasting! Fish breeds fornication, and the devil strongly pushes the sting of sweetness inside, so that it is extremely difficult to control oneself. We do not obey the Church of Christ, we obey the wisdom of the flesh - and so we are overcome by our sins and passions and demonic temptations, we are extremely weak in the fight against the thoughts and movements of the flesh. Evening. I thank the Lord for helping me in serving the Liturgy of the Presanctified in the Assumption Church. After a difficult struggle during Matins, it was now easy for me, my heart and my inner flesh were refined and healed of sweets, however, at the end of the mass there was a significant struggle. I thank the Lord for the speedy deliverance from cardiac death after confession at home in two cases: firstly, from deadly delusion from contemplation and, secondly, from money-loving jealousy towards Father Alexander Taratin, which he quickly confesses to very many (at four o’clock, two hundred and eleven people, and at six o’clock I have the same number and fewer). As soon as I confessed before God that my zeal was insane, low, Judaic, and that I should be zealous for the salvation of souls, and not for pieces of silver, and I sincerely cried out to the Lord for mercy, the Lord had mercy on me and gave me sweet peace. There were two hundred and three confessors [by candlelight] in the fourth week of Lent, all ordinary people. I don’t have sincere love, sincere goodwill towards everyone, I have a lot of pride, but in a priest, a shepherd of souls, this is intolerable. God! Grant me, proud, flesh-loving, selfish, ambitious, vain-loving, sincere love for everyone, make me unworthy of this heavenly, high gift of the Holy Spirit. Breathe into my heart the Holy Spirit, and I will sincerely love Your heritage and myself in it as a member, as an organ of the Body of Your Church. For being upset with Deacon Vladimir during the liturgy because he carelessly and disrespectfully, as it seems to me, handed me a censer, I was punished with embarrassment and cramped conditions, which I got rid of thanks to heartfelt repentance and the infinite mercy of the Lord in the Assumption Church on Saturday, March 29. God! I thank You for the miracles of Your mercy towards me, a great sinner: You sovereignly delivered me at the very end of Matins, through the prayer of faith and repentance, from great embarrassment and distress over my doubt about the money given to me from Yakov Apollonovich Hiltebrandt, so that no one would take it from the altar. I spoke the intense litany with large omissions, but then, by the grace of God, I calmed down and said a prayer to Christ, the true Light with boldness and also let go completely, without omissions. Then the Lord solemnly delivered me from embarrassment after the great entrance, at which I did not properly pronounce the names of the royal family. I again offered a prayer of heartfelt repentance for my cowardice and grief towards Deacon Poletaev. Then, just before the removal of the consecrated Holy Gifts, I was upset with Deacon Poletaev for his failure to observe the ritual of kissing the hand at the indicated time during the liturgy, but for my diligent repentance and strong hope in the Holy Mysteries, the Lord again delivered me from great oppression, revived me and gave me the grace to calmly give communion to everyone, about three hundred people in the Assumption Church. Six and a half o'clock in the evening. I thank the Lord, who, through the deep prayer of my repentance, delivered me from the great sorrow and distress and spiritual death that befell me for my hardness of heart towards the poor and my rage at them (at four o’clock in the evening, when I was walking near the English church, and then at home from an unclean movement of the heart that occurred from contemplation); The Lord showed me a thousand times how sweet His holy, incorruptible grace is, how worldly and life-giving, and how deceptive, false, charming, destructive, painful, enslaving carnal sweetness! And I still haven’t come to my senses, I still have an inclination to sin. I felt great grief today during Matins and early mass in the cathedral from what I think was yesterday’s gluttony (wine, oranges, apples, sweet tea). I revived the flesh, carnal passions, strengthened them to the extreme, made my womb an idol. And how my womb, the sweets that acted in my members, separated and alienated me from God! I was all carnal, sold under sin, killed by my sins, defiled, embarrassed and oppressed and put to shame by them, I lost the grace of God, I lost the life of God. And with what tears, sorrows, what repentance I had to win again the mercy of God, the help of God, peace, freedom of the spirit enslaved by passions! Only with the most pure Mysteries, Body and Blood could I get rid of the terrible cramped conditions and violence of the enemy! Glory to God the Savior for this! You stand, O priest, at a heavenly, life-giving, terrible throne, but the best, most pleasant throne for God is a pure heart, in which the Lord loves to rest. For this purpose there are churches, so that we become living churches of God, and for this purpose there are thrones, so that our hearts become thrones of God. On these mental thrones, we must offer ourselves as a complete sacrifice to God, mortifying all our passions and devoting our mind, heart and will and our entire body as a sacrifice to God. Do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit living in you? [ 1 Corinthians 6:19 ]. I will dwell in them and walk [in them]; and I will be their God... and you will be My sons and daughters, says the Lord Almighty [2 Cor. 6:16–18]. (In this spirit, write a science about worship.) For the God of minds, the most pleasant throne is the rational throne - a pure heart. Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a right spirit in my womb [Ps. 50:12]. I have great, many, grave sins. I have self-love, vanity, pride, willfulness, stubbornness, disobedience, and there is no limit to them, envy, ill will, malice, gloating, and there is no end to them, guile, suspicion, and there is no end to them, gluttony, delicacy, gluttony, drunkenness, and there is no end to them, laziness and negligence, and there is no end to them. And after this, I condemn people, I despise my elders, I humiliate myself internally and often in condemnatory, contemptuous words. Every type of sin - and how many of these types there are! I have committed without number. I condemn myself as guilty. Prayer to the Most Holy Theotokos at Compline. Tai (Church Glav.) – secretly. Desperate (church glory) – having lost hope, rejected. Untruthful (Church Glorious) - to slander, unfairly accuse. Vynu (Church Glav.) - always. Paroxysm - intensification of any painful attack (fever, pain, shortness of breath) to the highest degree; Sometimes this word also refers to periodically recurring attacks of the disease.