Февраль 1880 г.

I thank the Lord, who showed me His mercy yesterday for the all-night vigil by giving me the grace of tenderness. I thank the Lord, who gave me the grace to celebrate the late liturgy, although with great spiritual distress due to my intemperance, but also with consolation for me, who deeply repented of my sins. He received life-giving communion together with his father, Deacon Vladimir. I thank the Lord for his help during the service of the prayer service with Mr. Andrei Nikolaevich Talbugin without him, with his wife and mother-in-law. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the sin of severity and stinginess regarding the poor and from poverty and death, which declared me for these sins. I repented, falling before the holy throne, and received the mercy and salvation of rebirth. God! How many gifts of mercy, and what gifts! Gifts of salvation from spiritual destruction, gifts of life, peace, boldness, space, sonship! Ten o'clock in the evening. I thank the Lord, who showed His greatest mercy in me before the all-night vigil at home with Colonel Konstantin Ivanovich Morgasov, who granted me forgiveness of sin through my prayer, who delivered me from cramped conditions and sorrow, and who gave me peace, space and boldness throughout the service of the all-night vigil. Oh! How sweetly I served the entire all-night vigil and the entire prayer service of the Blessing of Water and thanksgiving! What life in the soul, what space, what peace, what inner contentment, what boldness! With what delight and joy I sang the glory of the Lord and the Most Pure Mother of God! Oh, Lord, grant that we serve and sing like this more often! I sinned before God - I was annoyed with Deacon Poletaev for his friendship with the sexton Kamenogradsky, who was hostile to me, and for helping him in reading and singing. I wanted sorrow to humble the sexton, angry and rebellious, and the deacon to strengthen his hand. However, the Lord Himself humbles everyone, teaches, judges, and punishes. Evening. I thank the Lord for compiling a teaching on the morning of Sunday about Zacchaeus and for pronouncing it by me by His grace. I thank the Lord for deliverance from the greatest distress that began in me at the end of Matins because of the thought of the Morgas money, which I used to remunerate the altar watchman partly, and partly to the poor; During early mass, after intense prayer and fighting enemies, the Lord took away the tightness because of his vow to use part of the money to buy a baptismal white book for me. This was after the Gospel. After the great entrance, the Lord again took away the tightness, after the consecration of the Gifts and after the First Remember, Lord (I stole from the devil’s embarrassment) I prayed for mercy, and the Lord had mercy. He took communion hastily due to the sexton’s inability to sing and was not entirely at peace; I didn’t say all of the leave; not all of the pulpit. After prayers and a memorial service, the struggle with enemies and the victory of grace over them. I thank the Lord for deliverance from the cramped conditions and embarrassment of sin after the prayer of repentance, performed internally in the house where I immediately afterwards administered unction to the sick Alexei Fedorovich, a retired captain. I was granted the great grace of deep peace from the Lord and smoothly and sincerely performed the rite of unction. I thank the Lord for his help in performing the christening at [...], which I did sincerely, calmly, firmly. I thank the Lord, the all-merciful Helper. I thank the Lord for delivering me from the temptation of the prodigal. When I visited Colonel Morgasov yesterday, Doctor Alexander, who lives in the house of the schismatic Zaitsev, told me that in this schismatic’s apartment upstairs every evening there is some kind of frantic dancing in the evening, because, apparently, this schismatic belongs to the sect of horses. All the big men are jumping. Take this into account about schismatics when necessary. Oh, how persistent sin is within me, how persistent passions are within me! But, Lord, strong in battle, pluck from the roots all my passions, crazy, absurd, deadly, unclean, alienating from You, from Your love, truth and holiness, Your life! (The Right Reverend Metropolitan Isidore, about twelve years ago, sternly and humiliatingly received me in his office, and I, having wept bitterly in Gurnov’s apartment at the seminary because of my offended pride, have since then had neither favor nor respect for him, despite his high rank, for his pride and humiliation.) Lord, witness of my heart and my inner struggles, have mercy on Himself. me and deliver my soul from hostility towards the Lord and grant me to sincerely love and respect him who exists in Your image, Lord, and to pray for him sincerely. Grant me to see him humble, meek, decent, affable, kind, prudent, condescending, [...] in my perplexities and infirmities, may he descend from on high and come down to my humility and to my weakness, as You, most holy and most faithful High Priest, Lord Jesus Christ, condescend to me every day many times over. Amen. Grant me, Lord, to constantly remember the common infirmities of nature, common passions, especially the infirmities of old age, to which the aged archpastor is subject, who now, they say, has changed greatly for the better, not like I am multi-passionate, not at all changed for the better, but every day more and more ossified in evil habits and in the passions of dishonor: in self-love, pride, malice, envy, ill will, malice, wickedness, greed and gluttony, satiety, drunkenness, stinginess, love of money, rancor, anger, suspicion, malice, murmuring, despondency, impatience, lust, laziness, negligence, partiality, servility, cowardice, lies, untruth, unfriendliness, anger, rage, irritability, reproach, contempt, in resistance, disobedience, in disrespect and condemnation of authorities, in condemnation, slander, in vain fear and timidity, and so on. So I condemned myself of all sins! Have mercy on me, O Lord, self-condemned, and do good to me. Not others are thin, but I am thin, extremely thin. Lord, my God! Grant me always to judge myself, to cry for myself, to correct myself, and not to judge others. After my written confession of my sins and after secret prayer, my internal renewal took place, deliverance from the death of sin, from sorrow and oppression. I came to life, calmed down, my soul became light and spacious, joyful. Glory to the Benefactor God! Glory to God the Savior! Confirm, O God, the salvation You have wrought in me! Do not irritate evil spirits, do not speak blasphemous words to them, as you have previously said when inducing blasphemous thoughts from them; said to the demon: brute, scoundrel, scoundrel, worthless; from now on, do not speak, but speak as the Archangel Michael spoke when arguing with the devil about the body of Moses: may the Lord rebuke you! – and that’s enough [Jude 1:9]. This for him, the evil demon, and all their hordes will be a thousand times more sensitive than your abuse. Also, in case of various failures, shocks, and troubles, do not get angry at soulless things and do not tell them: reptile, abomination, dirty trick! This is from the devil. Have calm and patience in all unforeseen cases. I thank the Lord, who delivered me yesterday before the christening at Dodonov’s from cramped conditions through my inner prayer and who gave me peace and space and miraculously revived me by performing the Mystery of Baptism with these wonderful prayers, filled with greatness, strength, and sacredness. Evening. I thank the Lord for delivering me, through faith and strong repentance, from the great, most acute and most violent attempt of an adulterer, who brazenly exposed me to a devilish act in the Korovnikovs’ apartment during the betrothal of Korovnikov’s sister. There was a luxurious, beautiful, plump, dressed woman from St. Petersburg, flirting in front of the mirror, and the Lord solemnly, graciously saved me on the way to guardianship. It became so easy, peaceful, spacious! Oh, how destructive is corruption! How desirable and life-giving is incorruption and chastity! Do not have enmity against anyone for any reason, no matter how plausible it may be, do not have hostility towards anyone, for this is insane, absurd, wild, bestial, harmful, destructive, but maintain a spiritual disposition towards everyone as a fellow member of the body, although sometimes unworthy; pray for the unworthy and malicious, proud, disobedient, murmuring, rude, that the Lord may heal them with the grace of His Holy Spirit, may enlighten their eyes of the heart, may soften their hearts, may he reconcile, may he fill them with love. For every good gift and every perfect gift is from above [James 1:17], not from the earth. We ourselves cannot do anything without the Lord [John 15:5]. So we are all sinners, weak, so we all need mutual help, love, prayer! I do not have the virtues with which the saints pleased God: there is no abstinence, non-covetousness, humility, kindness, purity of heart and, therefore, there is nothing good. That is why the enemy greatly annoys me at every time and in every place: he burns me with sweets and malice, and, instead of feeling and saying: My soul cleaves to You, O Lord [Ps. 62:9], I often feel and must admit that my soul cleaves to creatures, living and inanimate, to decay and vanity, to smoke and vanishing steam, to that which itself is dead. and cannot give life, or what death itself is (sin). Alas for me, a sinner! I got up early, at four o'clock in the morning, prayed and began to walk; During the walk, I thought about my business with Pastor Bosse on the Committee for the Poor, from which he arbitrarily removed me, and, like a snake, grief about the pastor’s untruth pinched my heart. In cramped conditions, melancholy and sorrow, I prayed and thought, what should I do with the king-pastor? I thought about leaving him, but he would raise the head that it was so easy for him to remove me from the Committee, and many Russians would lose the tsar’s bounty. Should I petition for the transfer of funds from the royal court to trusteeship? The pastor's demon is cruel: he tormented me greatly; I need to distance myself from him. Or let the pastor continue to perform operations of mercy? Judging by the fact that the enemy is inciting me to clash with the pastor, I must be careful, and it is better for me to leave dealings with him, the pastor, as someone who is suffering from excessive pride. Yes it will be. Now I feel better, calmer. Do not be jealous of those who are wicked; do not be jealous of those who do iniquity [Ps. 36:1]. For a long time, about two and a half hours, this morning I fussed with an ethereal enemy tormentor because of the pastor, with whom I was offended for resigning from the Committee. My relief began with a sincere awareness of my own sins and the justification of the pastor, who in his midst did the work of charity tirelessly, honestly, together with his wife. However, during Matins I was under strong pressure from invisible enemies, who severely scathed me for my gluttony and, in general, self-indulgence, alien to God’s pleasure. Serves it right! Only at the very end of the morning the enemies, having exhausted me, released me. Often I fell before the holy throne in repentance and with prayer for help and mercy. Indeed, sweets bring the greatest misfortunes, and therefore we must avoid them. There was an explosion in the emperor's palace 100. Oh, devilishness! How dare the impudent ones encroach on the person of the king, sealed with the Divine anointing of the Holy Myrrh! – In our soul there are constant underminings of the devil, terrible, disastrous, painful! Let us beware of sin, especially anger, gluttony, self-indulgence, drunkenness, idleness, disobedience, enmity, disobedience, disrespect for authorities! According to custom, a cruel, deadly storm was raised against me by an incorporeal enemy in a meeting of customs officials before a grateful prayer service. I was melting from this storm; like a shuttle in the sea without a rudder and without an oar during a storm, so my soul was before the prayer service until the deacon arrived, for I felt my loneliness and helplessness (what does the Lord care about?). When the deacon came, I was comforted. However, even before his arrival, I, being in a spiritual storm, stood before the image of the Savior, cried out to Him with a cry of my heart, [not of my lips] for ambulance, for I was disappearing from devilish confusion. And help came from the Lord - I calmed down, and when the deacon came, even more so. During the prayer service I was calm, but there were symptoms of devilish confusion, which I stopped with tearful repentance and prayer (I was annoyed with the deacon for his slowness in service). The prayer service was served kindly, with feeling, the Gospel was read through to the end, the prayer of thanksgiving at the end was somewhat stolen, and also the release for fear of demons. I moved a mountain by faith, a mountain that was in my heart. Glory to the mercy and power of my Lord Jesus Christ! During the general prayer of gratitude for the salvation of the Tsar from danger, I came, by the grace of God, to the consciousness and feeling of my wretchedness, poverty, poverty, blindness and spiritual nakedness, to the consciousness and feeling that I had killed my soul with carnal passions and that my love for both the Tsar and the authorities had dried up, and from this tears of tenderness appeared in me, and it became easy for me, but until then it was hard, and I felt like an enemy like mines brought into my heart and blew up my spiritual home and settled on its ruins. In the customs office before the prayer service I had the same feeling, a feeling of damnation and poverty of my soul, its nakedness and powerlessness, and the All-Holy, All-righteous, All-rich, All-powerful, Covering, Rich, Justifying by faith, Strengthening, Decorating the absurdity and ugliness of our souls came to my aid. Glory to rich humility! I thank the Lord, who showed me His wonderful, quick, glorious salvation when giving prayer to the mother in labor in the apartment of Mikhail G. Verzin (who cleansed my heart and gave holy contemplation of the Creator of the human race and His works in creation and providence) and after the prayer, when the enemy confused me with guile and uncleanness at the sight of a girl spreading her wings (scarf), and I he repented with all his soul, condemning his carnal wisdom and his immediate rage against the poor; I was again pardoned with the greatest pardon when I went to give prayer to Olga Mikhailovna at Golubev’s house. And in Andreev’s house, much earlier, it was very difficult for me from the machinations of the enemy in my heart and crafty, unclean thoughts. I thank the Lord, who delivered me yesterday from the greatest distress in the morning after my long struggle with ethereal enemies. Field of Matins. I thank the Lord, who at that moment showed me His wonderful, life-giving, transcendental salvation after the prayer of repentance, when I repented of my anger at the poor (and especially in the reproach of one of them, whom I called a prisoner), of covetousness, hard-heartedness, and obstinacy. Who did I offend? Christ God Himself in the person of His least brethren. Oh, how grievously I have sinned! How ungrateful, malicious, self-loving, voluptuous, carnivorous, and not godly I am! I thank the Lord, who gave me the grace to read the canon for the holiday and the holy great martyr Theodore and the prophet Zechariah. Oh, the age of godlessness, the age of complete revelry of human passions! A regicide age! The villains, having formed a hellish alliance of malice, dare to overthrow the thrones of kings, in order to trample underfoot every order and law of civil and church life, to put wild arbitrariness in their place and thus give full scope to the insane will, restrained and curbed by the laws of God and civil! The atheists will not succeed! For the Guardian of Israel neither slumbers nor sleeps, as the guards of the king's house sometimes slumber. (Bring the events of the Old Testament history onto the stage: with Ananias, Azariah, Misail, Daniel, Elisha, with David, in the New Testament with martyrs, hierarchs: Gregory the Theologian, for example.) It remains to wish that the villains would destroy themselves, and may God do this! Before the Nativity of Christ, the darkness of atheism and idolatry covered the earth; people worshiped all creatures, even their passions, but did not want to know and honor the true God; There is no God, they said, just as today many ignorant people say the same thing: there is no God, there is no providence! And the Lord shows, both then and now, His power, His unceasing providence, in the eyes of all, and not even though everyone will know God, and not even if everyone will bow their knees before Him and pray to Him throughout all of Russia, for in the multitude of His power His enemies serve Him [Ps. 65:3]. All of Russia gratefully prays to God for its Tsar. Topic: about blocking and drying up the source of sedition - unbelief and human passions, about planting faith and fear of God in the hearts, obedience to God-appointed authorities. O Christ, King of all! Grant victory over the enemies of our blessed emperor. I thank the Lord, who surprised me with His salvation in His name yesterday in the gymnasium, when a disembodied vile spirit put lewdness into my heart, from which I was saved by diligently invoking the name of the Lord, and then in guardianship, where I suffered internally from an outburst of anger at the beggars for begging and from my hard-heartedness and love of money, from covetousness and love of love. And many times the Lord delivered me about His name. Glory to Thee, Christ God, saving me continually, and now saving me from the demonic storm and the tightness of my passions: hard-heartedness, stinginess, greed, malice and contempt for the poor, who persistently asked for more than what was given to them. I repented, sincerely condemned myself for my sins, asking for mercy, and the Lord had mercy on me, reviving me with a life-giving spirit. The Lord also saved me after the memorial service for the servant of God Alexandra Bessonov in Pavlovskaya Street. At this memorial service, out of fear of the devil, I did not fully pronounce the petitions at the last litany, for dismissal and in the blessed Dormition, and therefore I was wounded and confused in my soul; The hurt and pain of my soul continued until I prayed earnestly in repentance to the Lord at home; after fervent, intense prayer, I was healed by the grace of God and then fell asleep well. I thank the Lord, who gave me tears of tenderness during the Sunday all-night vigil from the beginning until the polyeleos, but then through the sexton Nikitin I was subjected to a strong devilish temptation: the sexton missed the antiphons, left the choir and left the church; I was very upset and embarrassed by this disorder and was indignant at the sexton; the disembodied enemy took advantage of this circumstance and began to confuse and oppress me, so that I barely, through repentance and inner prayer, broke his insolence, anger, violence, and in opposition to him, I read the Sunday Gospel very loudly. I thank the Lord, who showed me His help while reading the Gospel and then, when I stood by the Gospel in the middle of the church, repented and prayed. The Lord gave me peace, strength, boldness, sincere and high prayer for everyone. There were a lot of people. A terrible temptation befell me today for my intemperance, for my delicacy, for meat-eating and creamy blancmange: during mass I felt dead in my soul, powerless, cowardly, fearful, and only with a tearful prayer I asked God for the healing of my soul and strength, courage, boldness, space, peace, especially after being killed by Belial at the great entrance. I received life-giving communion, although, due to my sins, I did not feel as good as before after communion. The sermon was delivered with strength and conviction. But after mass, I did not understand the punishment and, not feeling hungry, dined very heartily, with greed and really enjoyed the creamy blancmange, so that I felt heavy from satiety. Then I walked for a promenade, then slept for an hour, drank tea, again in abundance, and when I began to serve Vespers, I felt that grace had left me, and I found myself helpless in the temptations of ethereal and carnal enemies. I struggled for a long time, became exhausted, could not utter words, started again, became exhausted again, and barely finished the service, not finishing the dismissal and the litany at Compline. Yesterday, at the end of Vespers, I quickly and strongly became embarrassed by the presence of the sexton of Kamenogradsky, my ill-wisher, suspecting him of spying and spying on my steps. And there was no need to think about this, but simply look at it from a Christian point of view. And the people will be the same, and the sweet gifts of God will be the same, and the treats will be the same, and the temptations for the flesh and belly will be the same, but I, a glutton, for the sake of God and advancement in life according to God, must take strength over myself - not to servile the belly and refuse other treats, because God and the soul, which require my abstinence, are infinitely more precious. According to my deed yesterday during the evening meal, Satan attacked me, knocked me over and shamed me for my animal, insane, swinish satiety at an early dinner: I ate two plates of cabbage soup with greed, a steak and a lot of creamy jelly, which was all unnecessary, because without all this I felt full even from yesterday evening's eating. After Matins. I thank the Lord, who delivered me during Matins and after Matins and the prayer service (in frame 101) from the evil temptations of disembodied enemies, from sorrow and oppression through my prayer. I will again glorify the mercies of the Lord to me: at the beginning of the liturgy, the Lord quickly delivered me from cramped conditions through my prayer and gave me vigorous service; at the great entrance and after the crucifixion and wound from the bodiless enemies, the Lord again healed me, delivered me from loss of spirit; In the first, remember, Lord, the Holy Governing Synod spoke without hesitation, with boldness; After communion of the Holy Mysteries, the enemy fought me terribly because of the acidity of church wine and began to shake my faith in the cleansing of sins, but by strong, whole-hearted resistance to the enemy-slanderer, I broke his stubbornness by the grace of Christ and emerged victorious. When I went to Gimanzia, the enemy again pressed me hard because of the movement of anger at the beggars who were pursuing me, but through fervent prayer the Lord delivered me, and I saw the glory of God, the glory of His deliverance, the glory of His good obedience and hasty obedience, and I rejoiced in my spirit about His glorious and frequent salvation. After the gymnasium, when I was going to serve a prayer service at the butcher, the ethereal enemy extremely hurt and killed me with grief at the German pastor and regret about leaving my position (due to his untruth) as a member of the committee, and during the prayer service the enemy really pressed me. At the end of the prayer service, God sent me the thought that I should leave the matter of caring for the poor to him, the pastor, and not interfere in his affairs, and after praying, I calmed down. Before Vespers and during Vespers, the Lord helped me overcome my enemies and pray with boldness. Upon arriving home, I became angry with my family and partly with the beggars who were bothering me, and I felt heavy and angry for not purifying the air in my apartment, I threw my chair in anger, but then I fell in repentance to God, and the Lord forgave me my sin, and I calmed down. Eleven and a quarter o'clock in the evening. I sinned by becoming angry with the beggars who stood late waiting for alms, and reproaching them with obscene words, while considering myself to be right in my vanity and pride. But when I felt death and tightness in my soul soon after the heat of my anger, then I deeply realized my guilt and with all my soul, with all my thoughts, with all the strength of my will, I condemned myself, asking forgiveness from the Lord, and the Most Merciful One granted me forgiveness of many, great and grave sins - He revived me, a spiritual dead man, stinking with my passions, He gave me His justification, His peace, space, joy, boldness. I praise the Lord for such deliverance, for such a wonderful change wrought in me by the life-giving Right Hand. The Lord is wonderful in me. But grant me, Lord, to tell all the glory of Your works in me, a sinner, for the edification and salvation of Your people. How do you think, feel, desire, speak, breathe, eat, be at peace, rejoice, prosper, strengthen, stay healthy, get rid of troubles, sorrows and misfortunes, save from your sins and the torment prepared for them here and in the future life? - By the Lord God. Know Him, believe firmly in Him, trust in Him, love Him with all your heart, and not creatures that were created for your temporary benefit. Always try to coordinate your thoughts, desires, intentions, your will with the thoughts, desires, intentions, will of your Creator and Savior, for you are in His image, your mind is a ray, the birth of His mind, must agree with His infinite, wise, purest mind; your desire and your intentions must agree with His most holy intentions and desires, your will with His holy, wise, perfect will - Thy will be done. Otherwise, you will get lost and perish forever. Do not be mad and self-willed, do not lust for your own destruction, for many have perished living unbridled. I thank the Lord, who graciously showed me His salvation during Matins for my faith and my repentance for my evil suspiciousness regarding our rector Pavel Trachevsky. Oh, how poisonous and deadly was the sting of the serpent of the abyss, Satan! And yesterday’s late eating of pancakes at F. Vasilyevich Vasiliev’s gave Belial a reason to be so offended, for I was fed up, although I had not eaten much. About four o'clock in the evening. A terrible burden was with me throughout the entire mass today, from which I constantly shrank and served with difficulty. Even after communion, this hellish tightness did not immediately go away, the reason for which was my satiety from the evening. But when I used the Holy Mysteries with faith and repentance after the requiem service, I immediately felt at ease, at ease, and I rejoiced and thanked the Lord. And so far it’s easy for me. The Bubnovs served a prayer service calmly, with zeal and a triumphant spirit. Glory to God, who turns all sorrows and hardships into my good! Forgive me, Lord, that I spoke today after Matins to the poor in an irritable tone, in a tone of resentment and lack of faith, covetousness and stinginess, in an ungrateful tone. Yes, my words were, alas for me! - words of unbelief, greed, stinginess, anger, ingratitude before God, who has so generously and generously incessantly given me. Have mercy, Lord! Fix it, Lord! Don't leave me, Lord! The Lord has given me peace and healing! I thank the Lord for His omnipotent and prompt help during the service of Matins and for the lightness of spirit in the service, peace, joy, triumph together with the saints. Oh, what wonderful deeds of God and the virtues of the saints the Lord has deigned me to glorify every day! What repentance to bring with their lips! Oh, how sweet it is to be in church and glorify God, the Mother of God, the holy Angels and the holy saints of the Lord! You feel not on earth, but in heaven! Evening. At the beginning of mass, the Lord, through my prayer, sent me salvation, peace and space after confusion and cramped conditions; at the great entrance, he loudly pronounced all the names of the royal persons, but after the consecration of the Gifts, when he began to commemorate the Holy Synod and the Metropolitan, due to the cunning of the demons, he did not pronounce the title of metropolitan, and the adversary offended me; during communion, there was emotional agitation 102 because of the sexton, his inability to sing protractedly, because of his haste, but my soul was washed in the Most Pure Blood. At the end of the liturgy, there was a strong, acute, heavy temptation due to the slowness of Deacon Arseny, who was slow to begin the prayer service when I needed it very quickly, for he was in a hurry to get to the gymnasium at eleven o’clock. For a long time I shrank, shifted, and writhed from the torment of the enemies who had wounded me with anger at the deacon. He endured everything on himself: he didn’t say anything to the deacon and, just by faith in the all-cleansing and all-reconciling power of the Blood of the Lord, he got rid of torment and bitterness and tasted peace. He served Vespers without stumbling, zealously, enthusiastically. After Vespers there was a strong bite from invisible serpents, but the Lord delivered everyone from them. What are our bodies? Disappearing foam, bubbles appearing on the water and now disappearing. About everyone and for everything, that is, about all people: the saints in heaven, the living and the dead. After Remember, Lord, the Holy Synod - and everyone and everything, that is, all living men and women. Yours from Yours is Yours, these are Gifts (About the honest gifts offered and consecrated...), from Yours, that is, from Your servants (or children, although unworthy), brought to You by God the Father. You praise, thank, pray to the Lord, and He hears; you glorify, thank and pray to the Lady Theotokos, you are always before Her face, and She hears and sees it; you glorify, thank, call upon the saints, and by the grace of Christ they always hear and see you. Always remember this and say your prayers, praises and thanksgivings with a pure heart, a burning spirit, cheerfully, firmly, with boldness. I thank the Lord, who surprised me with His mercy and His power during Matins in deliverance from demonic wiles and especially during the Liturgy in the wondrous manifestation of His goodness and power on me, especially after communion of the Holy Mysteries and especially after the final consumption of the Holy Mysteries at the end of all services. Oh, how invisible snakes bit me, how they dragged me to sin, to death, but the Lord delivered me from all their snares! What renewal is in me now, what peace, what space of heart, what lightness, what life! Now I feel like I’m in heaven, and not like I’m on earth. Glory to the miracles of the Holy Mysteries! Glory to the miracles of the Divine Liturgy! Evening. I thank the Lord, who surprised me with His mercy and help before and during the evening funeral service for the servant of God Alexia (retired captain, Mistrova’s father-in-law), before and during the christening in the house on Narvskaya Street at the house of the painter and painter, and in the house of Golubev at the tanner Zakharia Ivanovich Sidorov. I performed all the services without stumbling, sincerely, with a triumphant, joyful spirit, and through the grace of Christ I conquered all the snares of the enemy. Friday. Morning. I thank the Lord, who mercifully delivered me from the atrocities of the ethereal enemy during the short, intense litany at Matins, especially after it and during the Six Psalms, at which I read the secret morning prayers with tenderness. Out of emotion, he spoke the Great Litany freely, with boldness and strength of spirit. He read the canon with spiritual admiration and performed the entire Matins with grace. Heavenly King, Comforter... Who is everywhere... 103 Do you feel, when you read these words, the omnipresence of the Holy Spirit and especially in yourself? Do you vividly imagine, as much as possible, this life-giving and co-originating Spirit of the All-Good with the Father and the Son? Do you sanctify His name within yourself? The grace of God is my riches in every way, my life, my breath, my deliverance, reconciliation to God, healing, cleansing, sanctification, enlightenment, my strength, my glory, my beauty, my incorruption. And earthly goods, or addiction to them, are my sorrow, oppression, darkness, powerlessness of the spirit, shame, death. Standing in the church, be as if you were in heaven, with God, for in the church everything is heavenly: here the name of Heavenly God, the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, is glorified; he is a house of prayer, a house in which heavenly Mysteries are performed, where everyone speaks glory; here the Most Holy Theotokos, all the Heavenly Powers, all the saints, these earthly angels, heavenly men are glorified and called upon to intercede for us, here the heavenly virtues of the saints are glorified, here the general prayer is not about anything else, everyday, but about the salvation of souls, about the forgiveness of sins and success in virtue, about the granting of blissful immortality to our souls, prayer for everyone. All worldly concerns must be put aside when entering the church and standing in it. I thank the Lord, who delivered me this morning from great sorrows, the stings of serpents, oppression, pressure, and death through my fervent prayer. I thank my Deliverer from the evils of Belial. Evening. I thank the Lord for His gracious help to me during the service of the liturgy and for repeated deliverance from the fierce demonic wiles; I thank the Lord for the communion of His Holy Mysteries and the revival by them; I thank the Lord for delivering me from the great distress that befell me during the funeral service. I was delivered by consuming the Holy Gifts. I thank the Lord for his help during the service of Vespers, for delivering me from cramped conditions through my prayer while traveling out of town for the funeral service and at the funeral service itself; then, on the return trip from the funeral service, I was saved by grace from new cramped conditions; I thank the Lord for the stumbling-free marriage of Paul and Aquilina in the Assumption Church, for which I prayed to the Lord. The temptations were strong, and the Lord delivered me from them all through my prayer. What does the dialogical form of our worship mean? It means one heart and one mouth of the hierarchy and clergy, shepherds and flock, mutual, strong love and mutual assistance. Is this so now? What a spirit of common, broad, holy love permeates our worship! How little Orthodox Christians understand this! How little sympathy they have for worship, especially the intellectual classes! How few live in the spirit of the Church! Introduce, raise this spirit in Orthodox Christians; The clergy themselves need to serve more worthily, with higher minds and hearts, burning souls. Have mercy on me, Lord, for I offended Your grace by looking fornically at my neighbor’s wife and fell into passionate rebellion, and now You soon had mercy on me, a repentant, and delivered me from the deadly poison and from the sting of voluptuousness. May I never fall into this delusion, but may I always turn my eyes away from vanity. What sweetness is greater than Your sweetness, O Lord? Your sweetness is imperishable, immaculate, vital, peaceful and serene, eternal. What beauty is greater than Your beauty? Your beauty is original, primary, imperishable, endless, holy. May I always raise my heart’s eyes to it, may I delight in it, may I admire and be captivated by it, and may I contemplate the beauty of their Creator in the beauty of creatures, and may I look at it purely, as the work of the most pure hands, holy, unblemished, simply, and may I remember their corruption, and may I not be seduced by them, and may I not cleave to them with my heart. I thank the Lord for his gracious help during Matins and at the funeral service at Saveliy Isakov’s in Andreev’s house. The devil is every minute intensifying to sow his seed, his vile caviar, in my heart. Away from the name of the Lord, all-evil adversary! During the exits and dismissals of liturgical services, also during the reading of prayers, litanies, and the Gospel, the evil adversary confuses me with reminders of various sins, which I have long repented of and made amends for, and thereby punctures me and plunges me into silence, and also stumbling with nasty, evil and blasphemous thoughts and feelings. To despise these thoughts and not to be afraid of them and the demons who inspire them, but to rely on the mercy of God, for there is only one God without sin, and it would be crazy to add sin to sin, that is, to a sin that has ever been committed, to add the sin of despondency, fear, loss of spirit. We must always be vigilant and have hope, for God came to save sinners, not the righteous. Yesterday in church, after Vespers, I served a memorial service for Alexandra Nikolaevna Alexandrova for her husband Franz (a Lutheran) for the sake of his wife’s faith, I was embarrassed and fell into amazement 104 from the regret of smoking the kamilavka with large incense and could not say the litanies until I took off the kamilavka and gave it to the watchman to take to the altar. Oh, the absurd addiction of life! Oh, the pettiness of the soul! Oh, the baseness! Today, at Markelov’s prayer service on the mountain, I was extremely embarrassed at the sight of two beautiful girls, guests from St. Petersburg, and several times out of embarrassment I got confused and did not pronounce the words in the litanies and the Gospel. Then, through repentance and tenderness, he drove away the spirit of uncleanness and calmly and diligently served a prayer service. I thank the Lord, who has now delivered me from hellish cramped conditions for my rage at the servant Anna and for refusing alms to the three beggars. I thank the Lord, who granted me to overcome the dirty tricks of evil demons at the great entrance through spiritual wisdom and the power of the grace of Christ God, also when praying for the Holy Synod and the archpastor: Remember first, Lord... Oh, how great and comforting for us are the words of the Church in the litany for the dead, and especially the exclamation: For Thou art the resurrection and life and rest of Thy servant, and I, through the deceit and violence of the enemy, have often, often concealed them. Have mercy on me, Master, for Thy name's sake! The funeral service was also often hidden due to devilish embarrassment. Fix it, Lord! I thank the Lord for delivering me this morning from countless spiritual disasters and, firstly, from the storm of embarrassment, crampedness and darkness that gripped me on the way to the Assumption Church after I saw the sexton Dmitry of Kamenograd pass by me and without attention or a sign of respect, which gave reason to suspect him of being angry with me; but this chimera, this demonic ghost, You, Lord, soon destroyed, for this man, as soon as I entered the altar in my confusion and venerated the throne, turned to me for a blessing and thereby calmed and consoled me, otherwise I was thinking of not allowing him to serve if he did not humble himself, leave no evil against me and approach the blessing. The embarrassment did not suddenly pass, it was only through fervent prayer that it ended, and I prayed with tenderness and tears; I read the Gospel loudly, with my soul. While reading the kathismas, when I fell to the throne of God with repentance and a prayer for deliverance and help, the Lord worked with me a miracle of deliverance from sorrow, fear, oppression and death, driving away Belial, who tormented me, from me and giving me peace, which made me incredibly happy. Then the Lord helped me when reading the prayer to Christ, the True Light, especially after the great entrance to the liturgy and after the devil’s treachery over me. Received life-giving communion. He preached a sermon. How long will I torment the souls and bodies of the poor without satisfying their basic needs for a long time? How long will there be grumbling, reproaches, blame? I am indignant and indignant at the fact that there are so many of them, but the Lord is omnipotent and inexhaustible in His goodness, in His bounties, He can give them or me everything they need and in abundance, as He always gives: why am I mad, greedy, indulged in the love of money, falling away from love, from Christ, from life and tearing myself into torment and death? Why do I insult my Christ in the face of the poor? He, He Himself, accepts our alms in the face of the poor. Oh, with what zeal, how willingly, how quickly I must give what they need to those in need! But forgive me also, Master Lord, my sins of voluptuousness and love of money and grant me the grace of non-covetousness and abstinence, crucifying the flesh with its passions and lusts. Until now there is no Christianity in me, until now I am entirely earthly and not heavenly, and a Christian must be with his mind and heart in heaven, although his body lives on earth; nothing earthly seduces him: neither beauty, nor sweetness, nor wealth, nor splendor, nor glory and greatness, nor joy, nor all earthly pleasures; he has a different beauty and sweetness, heavenly, imperishable - Christ, another wealth, splendor, greatness - Christ, other joys and joys - in Christ, everything for him is Christ, this world with its sins and passions does not seem to exist. He was crucified to the world and peace be upon him. At the christening at F.I. Silin and in the house of Britnev [Daniil] near Vileb. The clerk was hard for me because of the silk scarf, which seduced my heart through sight, as the beautiful face of a girl or woman seduces me. But it was especially difficult for me at the wedding of Pavel Stepanov and Elisaveta Korovnikova, also because of the scarf, my addiction to which killed my heart. What seems to be more direct, stronger proof that it is absurd to become attached to earthly things that kill the immortal soul, created in the image of God, and arm it against God and neighbor, pervert the nature of our soul and reify it, instead of spiritualizing it and uniting it with God! Oh, how cruel, poor, stupid, senseless, and dead is man, clinging to earthly things! But how high, how blessed, how peaceful is he who tramples on all earthly things and strives for things above! He left corruption and received incorruption, left earth and received heaven, left creation and received the Creator Himself as his inheritance! Three passions daily pervert all Christianity in us: malice, earthly covetousness and gluttony with their subdivisions. We must certainly leave these passions behind and love God with all our hearts and our neighbors as ourselves. I thank the Lord, who gave me the grace to unfalteringly perform the funeral services for the servant of God Savelia (Isakov) in Andreev’s house with a feeling of deep tenderness, as well as the funeral service in the cathedral. At first, during the funeral service, I was weak, depressed in spirit, contrary to my desire and efforts, and then, by the grace of God and my own effort and self-control, I took strength over the demons tormenting me and cheerfully performed the funeral service, although, however, the demons tried to immerse me, confuse me, plunge me into despair, kill my soul, and when reading the Gospel, with their violence they even tore the words of the Savior from my heart, mind and lips: As I hear, I judge, and My judgment is righteous [John 5:30], and in dismissal the words: in the bosom of Abraham He will rest... But Lord, Lord, always remember me, who thank You incessantly for Your mercies, in Your Kingdom and deliver me from the villainy of bodiless enemies, for they fiercely fight and confuse me at every hour, seeking to devour me. Lady Theotokos! You have trampled upon all the power of the enemy, for You have been given the power, the only Pure and Blessed One, to tread forever on the serpent and the scorpion and on all the power of the enemy [Luke 10:19]. Thou shalt always destroy in me, by Thy mercy, all the machinations of my invisible enemies, who mercilessly attack me. I thank the Lord, who now (eight and three quarters of the morning) has, through my intense prayer, delivered me from the heavy melancholy and pinching of the heart with which evil demons tormented me, inciting me to be upset with the German pastor Bosse, who forced me out of the Committee for distributing clothes to the poor because I told him in harsh words the truth regarding his untruth and partiality when distributing needs to the Germans and Russians. So the Lord drove away evil demons from me and gave me peace, freedom, silence, life and strength. But, Lord, grant me to hear good news about this Committee, and may the members of Your Church not be offended by the Germans; replace my place in it with a good, active member of the Orthodox Church, so that he may direct the work of mercy in which our sovereign with his wife and children participates on the right path. Brethren! Let us always keep in mind the greatest work - namely, the work of our redemption by our Savior God, and we will do everything in our power to correspond to this divine work with extreme, constant concern for the salvation of ourselves and our neighbors. Many of the Christians fell into slumber and sleep through various pleasures and addictions of life [Matthew 25:5], as the Gospel says: And they all began, as if by agreement, to apologize [Luke 14:18]; You and I belong to the number of these slumbering ones. Therefore, arise, O sleeper, and rise from the dead, and Christ will give you light [Eph.5:14]. I thank the Lord, who gloriously and omnipotently delivered me today before mass and during mass and after it, who many times delivered me from the devilish anger that bound and killed me (against Father Paul the rector), although I did not want it and fought against it vigilantly, and who finally revived me through the communion of the Holy Mysteries. Amazingly, I have been renewed! Glory to the Lord! Away from me, the all-absurd sin and the insatiable destroyer of the human race! Oh, how insane, ugly, gloomy, and destructive you are, not only when you are turned into action, but also when for one moment you are in your thoughts and in your heart! Away with Belial's evil seed and offspring! You pervert my nature, wonderful, God-created, God-like, immortal, and cast it into destruction, disfigure it, darken it, desecrate it! Oh, how absurd and senseless sin is, for example, anger or antipathy, it is directed not only at enemies, but also at our friends and sincere well-wishers. And even on innocent and gentle babies who cannot cause us any harm, on babies who, due to their innocence and helplessness, deserve all sympathy and love! God! I thank You for Your two wondrous, speedy, sovereign salvations in Your name in the small outbuilding of the house of Onufriy Lukin while giving prayer to a maternity mother, the janitor’s wife, and in the Grechukhins’ apartment while sitting at the table. All the snares and snares and snares of the enemy are destroyed in Your name, all his dreams and rebellions. But you also saved me from extreme, painful embarrassment after reading the summons from the dean about my presence at the World Congress, that I was presented illegally, imagining that I was the next one in the cathedral, but then I came to my senses that I was not the next one and repented of my recklessness. I thank the Lord for his help and for my unfailing service of the memorial service in Strebulaeva’s house. I thank the Lord for the gift of tenderness and tears during the conciliar service of the liturgy in the cathedral, when the funeral service was held for old lady Grigorieva. Everything that is after the Lord God, good, holy, righteous, beautiful, most pure, beautiful, most kind, most sweet, greatest, wonderful, powerful, wise, perfect - all this is found to the highest degree in You, the Mother of the Most High God. February 21. I thank the Lord for the wondrous salvation of my unworthiness on the way from the gymnasium at nine o’clock in the morning to the memorial service at Strebulaeva’s house and for the unfaltering, sincere performance of the memorial service. I thank the Lord for deliverance and salvation at the World Convention in the second hour at the beginning. Evening. I thank the Lord for the glorious, sovereign, speedy salvation of me, a sinner, during the procession in the evening from Shlyakova’s house to Burachka to Y.K.’s house. Murashov and in Burachok’s apartment itself; for the forgiveness and resolution of my sins, for the remission of them, for the wonderful, life-giving streams of grace of the Holy Spirit, which tangibly and sweetly murmured within me; for divine peace, freedom, divine truth, given to me by the grace of Christ for the sake of my only faith and my repentance; I thank the Lord for the victory over the invisible enemies, who fought me fiercely and brazenly, dousing me with their abominations, which I constantly rejected by calling on the name of Jesus Christ. Truly marvelous is Your providence for the poor, rich in mercy, O Lord my God! – today I exchanged five rubles for distribution to the poor, and after Matins today the Lord sent me five rubles for the benefit of the poor. We thank You, Most Gracious and All-Provident Master! Remember Anna, servant of God, O Lord, in Thy Kingdom by faith and for the alms of Thy servant Evdokia (mother of Paraskeva and Vassa Mikhailovsky). With all my heart I thank my Lord my God in the Three Hypostases for serving the conciliar liturgy in the cathedral and for partaking of the Divine Mysteries, which healed my bodily ailment and weakness in my left side and my soul from various sins and infirmities. (Funeral mass for Elisaveta Grigorieva, an 84-year-old old woman.) Evening. After the all-night vigil in the new Vladimir Mother of God Church. I thank You, Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, for Your glorious, omnipotent, wonderful salvation, accomplished in me at the very beginning of the all-night vigil, performed by Father Vasily Saltykov. I was in extremely painful spiritual distress and in great internal trouble from ethereal enemies who caught me in a careless, suspicious word that I said to Pavel Aleksandrovich Aleksandrov, my acquaintance from the military, namely: see how proud you have become!.. Although he is not a proud man at all! Through faith and repentance with complete condemnation, intensified inner prayer to the Lord and unceasingly intensified gaze of my heart towards Him, I got rid of the tightness of hell and received peace and spaciousness of heart with joy in my soul about God’s salvation, and throughout the all-night vigil I was peaceful. But even earlier, when I came home from the gymnasium at three o’clock in the afternoon, the Lord, through my prayer, combined with heartfelt repentance, also delivered me from the greatest sinful oppression that befell me for my hardness of heart and stinginess, my intractability to the poor; The Lord delivered me from heart death and gave me life, peace, space, joy. Therefore, mercy and judgment 105 I will sing to You, O Lord [Ps. 100:1], all the days of my life. Amen. Eleven o'clock in the evening. Day of consecration of a new church in honor of the Vladimir Mother of God. I thank the Lord for the cloud of tears of tenderness during the reading of the canons to the Savior, the Mother of God and the Guardian Angel and the akathist to the Lord Jesus Christ. Wash me with my tears, cleanse me with them, the Word of God 106. Monday. God! You have now performed in me a miracle of salvation by Your ineffable mercy, granting me deliverance from the oppression and fire of hell that befell me for reproaching the poor for drunkenness and for my rage against them. You have given me peace, freedom, boldness, health of soul and body. I thank the Lord for a pure and clear, strong voice when reading and singing the canon on this day. God! Great is Your mercy upon me: glory to You! Yesterday I served at the cathedral in the Vladimir Church at its consecration, and during the liturgy the Lord gave me the grace of tenderness, and after communion - peace and renewal of the soul. I was in fear of losing the gift of peace and freedom from the coming addiction to new rich vessels and from a fit of envy at the thought and wish that we would have such vessels for the cathedral. But with spiritual wisdom he overcame this temptation, telling himself that everything on earth is decay and dust: gold, and silver, and precious stones, and our bodies, and our precious clothes, and our magnificent dwellings, and all kinds of food and drinks, and all earthly beauty, that our only soul on earth and beyond it is immortal, it must be a vessel, purest gold, for the Lord our God, it must be decorated virtue. After mass, I was at dinner in the premises of the Artillery Club and made the mistake of drinking wine that was more appropriate (because the wine is good and expensive). Today I celebrated mass in the Duma Church; Before the liturgy, the Lord, through my prayer, performed great mercy on me, granting me deliverance from the oppression of the enemy and peace of mind. During the very invocation of the Holy Spirit for the gifts that were presented, I became carried away by hostility towards the rector, Father Paul, because of his lack of communication with the brethren and contempt (by the way, which manifests itself in the fact that he himself does not want to give candles to the brethren at funeral services). But this hostility was a mortal blow to my soul, and I have now repented of this hostile feeling. I thank the Lord, who revived me through the communion of His Holy Mysteries. Oh, what sweet, renewing, peaceful revitalization! I thank the Lord, who revived me during the all-night vigil, when I was instantly killed by the sin of new ill-will towards the rector, who continues to be aloof from us sinners and who did not attend Ushakov’s memorial service, God knows why. I think he has a secret grudge against me. May the Lord heal us, and may he pacify us, and may he unite us in the spirit of brotherly love. The abbot celebrated the all-night vigil at one hour and ten minutes. With what spirit should a priest serve the liturgy? With a spirit of peace, love and the most sincere goodwill towards everyone, with a heart filled with love for God and humanity, with a wide heart that can accommodate all people, all ranks, classes, titles, conditions, all ages and genders, like Christ, who loves everyone. The priest must love everyone with the love of Christ, pure, holy, selfless, and never falling away. He must have a heart alien to worldly passions: God alone must fill his heart, His fire must burn in him: burning in spirit, working for the Lord [Rom. 12:11]. What does it mean to love God with all your heart? - This means doing His holy will in everything, cutting off your sinful will. Whoever loves Me will keep My word [John 14:23]. Remember the abyss of your sins, infirmities and do not condemn anyone, do not despise, do not hate those who sin in any way, but for all those who sin, those who hate you or do something disorderly, pray fervently, as for those in trouble, and succeed in love, meekness, kindness, abstinence, obedience, purity and chastity, patience. I thank the Lord, who gave me the grace, at my earnest request, to sincerely pray for the repose of the servant of God Theodore Ushakov. Always and everywhere the Kingdom of God is in need, and only strong seekers delight it [Matthew 11:12]. If you do not force yourself to attend all church services in church and at home, then the enemy, or sin, will take you captive and you will pray only in form, only with your lips, and your heart will not participate in prayer, carried away by your passions and addictions, or worldly pleasures: covetousness, malice, ambition and other passions. With heart disease, always pray to God, may he grant you the grace to always and sincerely pray for everyone. The enemy and sin, living in us, does not slumber and does not sleep, and diligently works its hellish work in the hearts, takes root, expands, and confirms its hellish fruits in the hearts and thoughts of people who are morally asleep; as soon as we begin to work for God, and it turns out that we have long been captive of the enemy, like a fly in a spider’s net, and entangled, entwined all around in his nets, we will flounder, but we cannot help ourselves, only the Lord will deliver us through a fervent prayer of repentance with tears. This is what our laziness, negligence about salvation and virtue, about prayer, abstinence, purity, non-covetousness, mercy and other virtues lead to. This is what our love and passion for the world and its corrupt customs, for the multi-passionate flesh, leads to! Save yourself, save yourself, sinful souls, time passes quickly, the grave is not far - while there is time, we will work on our salvation, our correction, our improvement. The night of death will come, and then the possibility of doing will end. The night will come, says the Lord, when no one can do anything [John 9:4]. Love the sacred, do not be kind to the many-passionate flesh, the end of which is decay, pus, stench, worms, dust; despise the flesh, be diligent about souls, things that are immortal 107. Rich dinners with wine are extremely harmful, because at them you involuntarily drink and eat more than you should, being carried away by the pleasantness of the table and the general example, sometimes to the sound of music; the body then cries out about our unrighteousness, our intemperance, and the soul, deprived of the grace of God, also suffers because of the whims of its mistress (and not slave) flesh. Gluttony perverts the moral order: the flesh from a slave becomes a mistress, and the immortal soul, mistress of the flesh by nature and by Divine institution, becomes a slave of corruptible flesh. Oh, what a pity! Oh madness! Oh, corruption! Oh, destruction of the souls of immortals! Away with malice and gloating towards people for whom I have antipathy and hostility due to the corruption of my sinful heart, for this devilish breath separates me from my Christ, from His truth and holiness, from His love and from His life, breaks the golden chain of love and the honest union of Christ’s hearts, plunges my soul into tightness, sorrow, shame, heartfelt and mental powerlessness, into darkness, death. Away with evil suspicion, seeing in my neighbor, in all his movements, words, deeds, evil intentions against me, contempt, malice, deceit - this is evil in me, done and aroused by the enemy of my salvation, and not in my neighbor who is suspected. Yes, I see in my brother a brother, the image of God, a member of Christ, my co-redeemer, my co-member, my flesh and blood, my common weakness, for we are all weak through sin and corruption and are slaves to sin and corruption; May I mourn the common misfortune and weakness, and thus may I always attract to myself the help of God, the help of the Mother of God, the heavenly angels and the holy saints of God, may I not secretly become arrogant, may I not be a worker of the devil, and may I not fall fearfully. May I weep for all the departed with sincere, kindred weeping, the weeping of Christ the Savior over the tomb of Lazarus [John 11:35], or we weeping at Him at the sight of Jerusalem, to which He went to suffer [Luke 19:41–44]. Yes, I sincerely pity everyone, both living and dead, alive in body, but often dead in spirit, noble and simple, rich and poor, people of every rank and condition, and more than those who sin and perish from the charm of wealth, nobility, power, splendor, luxury or the charm of women - more pity, as Christ pitied the criminal Jerusalem [Matthew 23:37]. I thank You, Lord, for You have enlightened the eyes of my heart and taught me to look at gold and silver as it is, as if it were the gravel of the path, trampled by those passing and traveling. Oh, the priest’s view of earthly things must be completely different from the view of worldly people working in the world; his gaze should be bright, divine, holy, heavenly! The priest must have one treasure - Christ, who replaces every treasure for him, or, better, the priest has no treasure other than Christ. Morning. Ten o'clock. I thank the Lord, who accepted my sincere repentance (in the house of Sinebryukhov, where the Grechukhins live) in hard-heartedness and stinginess towards the poor, in my anger and hostile feeling towards them, in my voluptuousness and gluttony and who gave me peace, boldness, space and freedom during the service of the requiem for the deceased Evdokia and then. Everywhere the Lord hears and has mercy on me. Glory to His mercy, goodness, long-suffering, quick obedience! Everywhere I am before Your face, Trinitarian Master! Oh, most glorified name, most beloved name, all-life-giving, all-saving, all-sweet, all-powerful name! O my prototype, first principle, first life, first light, first power, first light, first world, my first sweetness, first salvation, first deliverance, my first redemption! What else will I call You, my precious treasure, my first treasure, my first gift, poured out and poured out on me and on all Your creations, especially intellectual and verbal ones, all the gifts that are without number. Be yourself an eternal asset for me, and I be yours, and cleanse me from all aphids of sin! Amen. Morning. I thank the Lord for threefold, all-merciful deliverance of me from the cramped conditions and sorrow that befell me for my stinginess and hard-heartedness towards the poor and for the movement of anger towards them for their persistent and frequent asking for alms; During Matins the Lord delivered me twice, and after Matins, when I walked and prayed, I repented before the Lord. I thank the Revitalizer and Savior of my Lord Jesus Christ. Evening. I thank the Lord, who delivered me today before the liturgy itself and especially during the liturgy from the most acute, fiery, hellish, grave temptations for my deep repentance; I thank the Lord, who gave me the strength to resist the demonic malice against the rector, Father Pavel Trachevsky, in whom all actions, movements, words, manners seemed to me worthy of disgust, for he did not pray, but only gave orders to the sextons and watchmen, and partly to the deacons, which should have been done earlier (I thought). I believe that it was all a demonic mirage, judging by the burning, sharpness, and violence of these thoughts. Oh, how I needed to take courage and strengthen myself! I felt that there were terrible devilish fiery stings of malice in me, which stung me greatly, to the point of death! But when I prayed hard, resisted anger and tried to have humility and love in my heart, the Lord delivered me. God bless! During lunch and in free time there are no these surges of anger, but during mass there is a terrible violence of anger! Extremely stubborn, persistent, brazen sin; We must not at all succumb to despondency, and we must persistently, unremittingly struggle against it, unceasingly, to the end. Do not be jealous of sinners, their effortless, idle peace, their pleasures to which they indulge, for sin itself leads, and will certainly lead them, if they do not turn and correct themselves, to terrible consequences, to a disastrous end. Have pity on sinners together with yourself, a sinner, pray sincerely for everyone and have no grudge against them. I thank You, Lord, for the miracle of mercy and salvation that was performed in me by Your ineffable mercy in the house of Gigenthorn and especially in the house of Rusanov in the apartment of General Boyle before the service and during the service of the prayer service, when You delivered me from cramped conditions and sorrow and loss of spirit, which depressed me for my anger at the beggars who were chasing me and constantly asking for alms. I fell to the Lord in deep repentance, and He had mercy on me, did not disgrace my hope in Him, giving me life instead of death, peace instead of spiritual confusion, space instead of crampedness. I am alive by the grace of God, although I was dead. Evening. God! I thank You for Your glorious, greatest salvation of my unworthiness during Lesser Compline, when I, in the greatest distress from my sins (hard-heartedness towards the poor), in unfeigned, whole-hearted repentance, fell to the throne of Thy judgment and mercy in the church, and at the end of Compline, by Your mercy, I was delivered from spiritual misfortune and sorrow and tasted peace, freedom, and boldness. Then I again received the greatest mercy of the Lord in the Golubev house, in the apartment of Prokopiy Oleinikov, during a prayer service for Evdokia and John the spouses on the occasion of the day of the Angel of Evdokia; I was again delivered by the mercy of the Lord and my faith with repentance from the oppression and sorrow that oppressed me for my hardness of heart and hostility towards the beggars who were persecuting me. I thank the Lord. Then, in the house of Grigory Machigin and then in the apartment of Yakov [K...] Markov, I received great mercy through the prayer of repentance. How many mercies! An abyss, truly an abyss! How many sins are mine! An abyss, truly an abyss! Oh, cry, my soul, day and night for your sins! About lack of faith, insensitivity, ingratitude, malice, lust, gluttony, love of money, laziness, negligence, rancor, malice, gloating, cowardice, despondency, fear of demons, partiality, contemplation, hatred of man, hard-heartedness, stinginess and other countless passions. The explosion in the Winter Palace occurred at 18:22 on February 5, 1880. It was a terrorist act directed against the Russian Emperor Alexander II, organized by members of the People's Will movement. The terrorist Khalturin lived in the basement of the Winter Palace, where he carried up to thirty kilograms of dynamite. The bomb was detonated using a fuse. Directly above his room there was a guardhouse, and even higher, on the second floor, there was a dining room in which Alexander II was going to dine. The Prince of Hesse, brother of Empress Maria Alexandrovna, was expected for lunch, but his train was half an hour late. The explosion caught the emperor, who was meeting the prince, in the Small Field Marshal's Hall, far from the dining room. A dynamite explosion destroyed the ceiling between the ground and first floors. The floors of the palace guardhouse collapsed (modern Hermitage Hall No. 26). The double brick vaults between the first and second floors of the palace withstood the impact of the blast wave. No one was injured in the mezzanine, but the explosion lifted the floors, knocked out many window panes, and the lights went out. In the dining room, or Yellow Room of the Third Spare Half of the Winter Palace (modern Hermitage Hall No. 160, the decoration has not been preserved), a wall cracked, a chandelier fell on the set table, and everything was covered with lime and plaster. As a result of the explosion in the lower floor of the palace, 11 servicemen who were on guard that day in the palace of the lower ranks of the Life Guards of the Finnish Regiment, stationed on Vasilyevsky Island, were killed, and 56 people were injured. Despite their own wounds and injuries, the surviving sentries remained in their places and even upon the arrival of the called shift from the Life Guards of the Preobrazhensky Regiment, they did not give up their places to the newcomers until they were replaced by their distributing corporal, who was also wounded in the explosion. All those killed were heroes of the recently ended Russian-Turkish war. The dead were buried in a mass grave at the Smolensk cemetery in St. Petersburg. By personal decree of the emperor, all soldiers on this guard were presented with awards, cash payments and other incentives. By the same decree, Alexander II ordered that the families of the killed guardsmen be enrolled in eternal boarding school. On February 7, despite the severe frost and the danger of a new assassination attempt, the sovereign went to the Smolensk cemetery for the funeral. Cadre (military) - a permanent composition of military units, replenished in wartime by conscription from the reserves. Agitation (French) – excitement, restlessness, anxiety, excitement. Prayer to the Holy Spirit “Heavenly King.” Amazement (Church Glav.) – madness (from “amaze” – to lose one’s mind). Court (Church Slavic) – law, justice. Prayer of Saint Simeon the New Theologian “From bad lips...” from the Sequence of Prayers for Holy Communion. General Troparion to the Saints, tone 8.