Октябрь 1878 года

October 1st. I sinned - I ate and drank in the evening (soft buns with sweet tea). Oh, voluptuousness that has become a habit! When will I crucify the womb? About talents. Here is a tailor-drunkard or a painter-painter - after all, they received talents from God: where do they put them? Aren't they buried in the ground? What about shoemakers? What about scientists? What about the priests? Our hearts are covered with the ashes of passions, they breathe a stench, and we want our prayers to be answered soon?! Let us wash ourselves, cleanse ourselves, weep bitterly for the sins we have committed, and then we will wait for the fulfillment of our petitions [Isa.1:16]. O Lady! We pray to you unworthily. After early mass. Today I was severely scolded by the demons for my idolatrous service to the belly, for yesterday evening eating and drinking sweet tea in excess: during the liturgy, an incorporeal villain captivated, squeezed, killed my heart, turned me away from the love of God and my neighbors, from sincere prayer for people. I was a fool, a dead man 160. But glory to the mercy and long-suffering of God! - when I was constantly repenting at home, condemning myself, crying out for help, for mercy and deliverance, then God’s help hastened to me, and I got rid of the cramped conditions. The enemy captivated me with the red St. Annin (order) ribbon and inspired me to take pity on it and protect it from the smoke of incense. With this pity, he killed in me every good feeling, every prayer for a while, but in cramped conditions I cried out to the Lord, condemned myself in recklessness, in vanity. I thought that I was standing at the throne as if in heaven and devoted to earthly vanities, called to incorruption and eternal life, but working with my heart and body on corruption and death. Seeing my repentance, the Lord forgave me. At the prayer service, Brown’s heart was moved to carnal, unclean feelings at the sight of the girls in bed, whom they were invited to sprinkle. He repented from the soul for the uncleanness of his heart, and the Lord again brought him to freedom and dispassion. I thank the Lord, the guardian of incorruption. The devil daily finds in us the soil of the heart that is very convenient for the reception of his seeds, the seeds of all sin, and sows them diligently. On October 1, during a late mass before I delivered a sermon, the ethereal villain pestered me with strong hostility towards my brother Priest Alexander, who, as I thought, had made a gossip about me to the abbot (this turned out to be false, untrue - he is innocent), embarrassed, hurt, killed me morally; I was not myself, but I immediately repented, prayed, falling to the throne of grace, and the Lord did not shame me, a sinner: the hostility went out, my heart calmed down. I thank the Lord, who saves me and helps me. Wonderful machinations of the envious and misanthropic and destroyer of human souls and bodies, the devil! But the mercy and all-powerful intercession of our Lord Jesus Christ is also wonderful! 2. I thank the Lord, who took away the sorrow, boredom, crampedness and torment from my heart, with which the devil wounded me after I saw the newly taken photographs and portraits of me at Schauman. I cried out to the Lord for salvation, and immediately the Lord saved me, and I became peaceful and cheerful. It seems to you that during your prayers you do not receive any special great mercies from the Mother of God - this is your blindness and insensibility. How come you don't get it? And the tears of tenderness flowing from your eyes when reading the canons and akathists of the Mother of God, and the peace, space and sweetness of the heart at the same time - aren’t the greatest mercies of the Mother of God towards you? Don't be blind ahead. In the morning prayer to the Mother of God it is said: give me a stream of tears, Most Pure One, cleansing the filth of my soul 161. You see, the Mother of God gives you streams of tears that cleanse your soul. And this is Her great mercy. I thank You, Lady, for you touch and cleanse my bad heart with tears of repentance. 3. The hand of the Mother of God is the hand of the Divine, the eyes of the Divine, the hearing of the Divine, the mind and heart of the Divine, the nose of the Divine, everything in Her and with Her is Divine. She is the fullness of deification, for She is the eternal Dwelling of the Most High. I thank the Lord, who took away the great distress of my soul, when I was walking home from the gymnasium, I thought and wondered if they had put up a photographic portrait of me as a sample. I called on the Lord with all my heart and was immediately saved. God bless! My will is not a law for my wife and my household, for it is often vain, erroneous, passionate, petty, and I should not be angry when it is not fulfilled immediately or is refused to be fulfilled; and I, although I am the owner of the house, must give in to others, sacrificing my rights for the sake of peace and harmony. But I, a sinner and passionate, am angry with the disobedient - with my wife and servants, I fall away from love, I ruin the entire law of God because of empty things. Ridiculous, reckless of me! October 4. I thank the Lord, who saved me, the greatest sinner, with the greatest salvation during the wedding ceremony. The bride did not arrive for a long time: I lost patience and, leaving the church, walked around the panel, then came to the church. The bride arrived, but in my heart there was grief for her, I was in excitement, and, without overthrowing my grief through repentance, I proceeded to the wedding, blessing myself and asking for help from the Lord; I felt something was wrong in my heart, some anger towards the bride and partly towards the groom, the poison of the serpent was in my soul, I was restless, in cramped conditions, embarrassed, but I did not despair, calling on the Lord for help against the enemy of the rapist, and although with a struggle, I finished the wedding successfully, and the enemy did not overcome me completely, but it was clear how he wanted to devour me. Glory to the Lord, my ready, all-merciful, all-powerful Savior! After the marriage, I went to Pelagia Egorovna Fedulova, who invited me to a conversation, and after praying the Our Father, the enemies completely disappeared. During the early mass of the Intercession on October 1, I fell into the delusion of the Order of St. St. Anna and voluptuousness, thus becoming a true idolater, falling away from love for God and neighbors and from my salvation and falling into sorrow, oppression and spiritual death. Only for deep, tearful repentance did the Lord have mercy and save me. October 7. After the all-night vigil in the Assumption Church. During the all-night vigil I felt powerless and hardened, and the tightness and pain of my heart from gluttony and delicacy, especially from eating rotten cabbage soup at the wrong time. During early mass from Philip Stepanov, I also felt very weak and heart-sick and powerless due to yesterday’s breaking of the fast by Vasily Ivanovich Petrov (sweet tea with a quick pretzel) and intemperance. But I received communion life-giving, although during a strong struggle with the enemy, who incited me to dislike the sexton for not singing sacrament, but all the stichera (not according to the rules). October 8. God is always all essential, like air, is everywhere and penetrates everything; but God, as the Spirit and the all-creating and all-controlling Mind, as infinite Love, is indivisible and invisible and infinitely thinner than air and does not dwell there, in those souls that arbitrarily allow moral madness and impurity, malice, envy, deceit and similar sins... Since God is omnipresent and omniholy, it is the duty of us, rational and moral beings, to constantly breathe in the sacred and righteousness (hallowed be your name, your kingdom come, your will be done...), love, simplicity, sociability, and when you happen to fall into sin, for example, into grief, anger, unclean thoughts and unclean heart movements, immediately repent with all your heart, thus returning lost moral purity and integrity. Yesterday Father Alexey (Shchipunov) died suddenly. May the Lord forgive him all his sins and rest his spirit in the depths of Abraham the forefather, in a place of light, in a place of coolness. On the third day (October 6), our former sexton Ivan Vasilyevich Polyglotov died. May infinite Grace forgive him all his sins and may his soul rest in a place of peace and light. Wake up! Gluttony and satiety, and sensual pleasures in general, result in impurity of the heart and enmity towards the Creator and alienation from everything spiritual and holy, with an addiction to the temporary, perishable. Oh, if only we would always reflect and know the connection between beginnings and consequences! Every priest must be a true apostle of Christ in his parish, diligently providing for the salvation and spiritual well-being of all his spiritual children. He must remember that while he is appointed as a fisher of men, to catch people from the sea of ​​everyday vanity, another, opposite, evil fisher of men - the devil, constantly catches people in his destructive nets, and therefore he must always be awake, stand guard over the salvation of all people, praying to God day and night, fasting and sobriety, and practicing in works of preaching and mercy. From the Chief Shepherd Jesus Christ the reward for the good shepherd is great. October 9. I thank the Lord for the great victory of His grace and mercy over the evil that arose in my heart against the sexton of Kamenograd (Dmitry) in the church during Matins for his fault in singing. I resorted to God in repentance, sincerely condemning myself for falling away from love and for lack of patience and condescension towards my neighbor, for not covering his weaknesses and shortcomings with love - the Lord delivered me from great oppression and demonic burning and deceit and gave me peace, space, heavenly dew, truth in my heart. I praise the Lord for the glorious deliverance, for the victory over evil. May good always triumph! May I conquer evil with good! I thank the Lord for the glorious deliverance from the spirit of hostility, oppression, burning and shame just before Vespers (hostility towards Anna Petrovna Lamanova when meeting her in the church kindergarten for her paganism). I repented, condemned myself for having forgotten the commandment of love for enemies and ill-wishers and for not fulfilling it; I prayed to the Lord to plant love in my heart, and the Lord had mercy, reconciled, spread, comforted. From excessive consumption of cabbage soup and boiled and roast meat and drinking wine and sweet tea, today I was in great danger of losing my mental and physical chastity and was already defiled for a moment or more by thoughts and lustful movements of the flesh, and only the prayer of repentance saved me twice and thrice from the rage of the prodigal. Oh, we must, we must abstain! Away with meat-eating! Away with sweetness! Sweet drinking! The image of the sign of the cross on ourselves means that we have been redeemed by the sufferings on the cross and the death of the Son of God, that we are God’s, not our own and should not live for ourselves, but for Him who died and rose for us, in holiness and all virtue. How to look at the holy saints of God? They are friends of God, animated churches of God, in which the Lord rests eternally, they are gods by deification. Lutherans and the English look at them as simple people and thereby insult both the Lord, who glorified them, and themselves, and Orthodox Christians (by name, not by deed) look at the saints incorrectly, humiliating their dignity and merits before God and the Church, they look only at heroes of the faith (martyrs), and at others (venerables and holy fools) as frenzied. But true Orthodox Christians honor them with due honor, establishing a celebration in their honor. 10. Ivan Ivanovich Demkin, priest of the Annunciation Church, said a wonderful sermon over the ashes of A. Ivanovich Shchipunov; he, like a wise scribe, brought from the treasure of his heart the old and the new: he perfectly put into words what people thought and said about the sudden death of A. Ivanovich according to the old man, erroneously, incorrectly, judgmentally, slanderously, and, having refuted false opinions and words, he said and proved what should be said according to the new man, that is, truly, according to the Gospel, right, good, not evil. They said that such a death befell him because of his sins, but he proved that such a death was the cleansing of his sins. 11. During divine services, the priest is not only as a servant of God, but more as a friend of God, standing before Him as an intercessor for the people of God and the performer of His most heavenly, most pure and life-giving Mysteries, in which lies the entire treasure of God’s love for the human race, His truth, holiness, wisdom and omnipotence, as the performer of other Sacraments, as the herald of the holy will of God, His an everlasting covenant; he is a priest and glorifies God and thanks God on behalf of all the faithful and together with the faithful. He proclaims on behalf of God to all the faithful the promise of mercy and salvation (he will have mercy and save us, as He is Good and Lover of Mankind). The priest is like Moses before God, in such closeness and trust with God. How should the laity honor the priest, cherish him, love him, take care of him! But also as a priest he must behave, how righteous, holy, prudent, unblemished, wise, sober, meek! Moses was meek above all men! 12. What are our newspapers like in most cases? Chronicles of all kinds of lawlessness and all kinds of disasters, all kinds of absurdities, outrages, temptations. O adulterous and sinful world! O world lying in evil! How long will the righteous Creator, Lord and Judge tolerate you? 12. I thank the Lord, who called me, unworthy, to serve on this day of the early liturgy and miraculously revived me through the communion of His Holy Mysteries and unfailingly granted me to perform the entire liturgy. I thank the Lord, who had mercy on me with His greatest mercy when, in anger, I tore out the hair of one mother of a beggar girl (whom this mother had beaten for not delivering a ten-kopeck piece) and therefore was fiercely wounded in my heart, and cried out repeatedly to God for mercy and healing of my soul and received healing and peace. I thank the Lord, who had mercy on me with a great pardon in the house of the merchant Gerasimov in the apartment of his clerk before the baptism of the baby. I was wounded and bound in my soul for my contempt for two beggars and my anger towards them for their frequent begging, but when I sincerely repented and condemned myself for that, asking for mercy from the Lord, I soon received mercy, freedom and peace with boldness. Glory to our obedient, merciful and beneficial God! Amen. Nine o'clock in the evening of October 12, 1878. Nine o'clock in the evening on October 12. He sinned greatly before the Lord and people, firstly, with hard-heartedness towards the poor, stinginess, love of money, humiliation and abuse, reproaching the poor in vain, being angry with them (again after repentance); secondly, satiation after the christening in Gerasimov’s house, while an hour earlier I had only dined at home: through this I created a burden for myself and a great burden of body and soul. Oh, what madness! What insolence before God and ingratitude! For today I served the Liturgy and partook of the Holy Mysteries. What idolatry! What gluttony! For I, the accursed one, have made my belly God, and every day I servile him, instead of fasting every day and exhausting my belly and my flesh! How unfaithful I am to God, how far from God I am! For it is impossible to work with God and mammon, incorruption and corruption! God! Have mercy on me! Have mercy on us! I know partly from experience how easy it is for me when I eat little or don’t eat for a long time, what peace is in me, what contentment, what boldness, what strength against enemies visible and invisible then in me. And, knowing what is useful, I do not try to think about what is useful for my soul and body! What madness, negligence! What ingratitude before God! 13. I thank the Lord, who created with me in the Hospital Church a sign of His great mercy and power, good obedience and quick obedience: I was in confusion, sorrow and crampedness, I was dead in spirit from evil suspiciousness about the priest Father Vladimir, thinking that he was hostile to me because of visiting my hospital patient, but, having greeted Father Vladimir, I saw that he had nothing against me has not, and calmed down. He received life-giving communion and served without stumbling. Tomorrow morning there will be a prayer service, No. 74 in the Kudryavtsevsky wing. 14. Raise all the multitude and diversity of phenomena, thoughts, feelings, words, deeds to the unity of the idea. How do we begin to pray to the Mother of God? Often with evil, blasphemous, nasty thoughts 162, and not with a pure heart, not with pure devotion and love, not with appropriate reverence, not with deep cordiality. We are, as it were, strangers to Her, and not Her own children, for through sin we are alienated from Her, the Most Pure One. The alpha and omega of all worship, as well as of Holy Scripture, is Jesus Christ, the only merciful and faithful High Priest before God for us, and with Him, without a doubt, God the Father and the Holy Spirit, the Trinity Consubstantial and Indivisible. We must look to Him constantly during worship. The Lord is my complete salvation, He is the price of my deliverance and the ever-changing deliverance from sins, all the wealth, the treasure of my spirit, He is my breath, my strength, He is the covering of my nakedness and shame, or, better yet, the robe of my sinful shame, He is my bright robe, as it is said: all of you who were baptized into Christ have put on Christ [Gal.3:27], He is my glory and praise, He is health mine, the beauty of my soul and my face, my peace, freedom, my highest, purest joy, He is my sweetness, He is my splendor, my light, my wisdom. Vladimir Dmitrievich Nikitin would have set up a reading room for the public, especially for spiritual reading. If you want to maintain perfect chastity in your soul and body, do not eat meat or even fish, for these consumer items arouse strong lust and do not give [needed] peace, and also do not drink a lot of tea, especially sweet tea at night, and during the day. Don't drink strong tea. Do not be an idolater: gluttony is idolatry. Eat plant foods: tree fruits, cabbage, carrots, potatoes, mushrooms, cucumbers. October 15. Resurrection. For the deliberate violation of fasting on Wednesday and Friday last week, for voluptuousness, overeating and drinking wine, for enjoying meat food, today at mass I suffered terribly from the wiles of demons, and during Matins: sorrow after sorrow, hardship after hardship, dirty trick after dirty trick from the ethereal enemy - he almost crushed me, not allowing me to pronounce absolutions and names of the royal family at the great entrance. At the very beginning of the all-night vigil, he attacked me because of Deacon Sofronov’s deviation from the joint invitation of people to worship the Lord Come, let us worship... he breathed into me a heavy malice, cooled me, constrained me, extremely confused my heart and deprived me of sincere prayer; I struggled with him for a long time, repented of my sins, but by the end of Matins the Lord had mercy on me and delivered me from his clutches. But when speaking, the dismissal again crushed me, not allowing me to speak, instilling fear and timidity in me with cramped conditions because of the money withheld for the benefit of the poor (I was on the side, I did not serve in the parish). I feel like the war is over eating meat in excess. 16. Alas! Because of my intemperance, yesterday I suffered a strong defeat from the enemy at Matins and early mass; I was powerless to fight against the fighter of men! There is a charm of the disembodied enemy, which consists in cooling towards God, towards the Mother of God and the saints, towards prayer, towards church and divine services, towards all religious rites, and the longer someone avoids prayer and pious exercises, readings, chants, the more chilled and wild they become. 17. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the various and varied thorns of sin during Matins and early mass and who granted me complete victory over invisible enemies. Served for good; at the great entrance, he boldly and unfailingly pronounced the entire royal family and, in general, performed the entire liturgy unfailingly; upon receiving the Holy Mysteries he became miraculously revived and enlightened; During the service of the requiem, the enemy stung and embarrassed the new kamilavka (that a lot of smoke settled on it), but with the prayer of faith he defeated the addiction, which began to suppress the divine life in the heart. Many times over the days the Lord saved me through prayers of repentance, and now at this hour (seven in the evening) three times. Three books were given to Avdotya Gavrilovna (Nikolai Timofeevich’s wife) to read. 18. I thank the Lord for his help during the celebration of the early liturgy, for its unfaltering service and for the wonderful, all-saving, all-joyful, all-powerful revival by the most pure Mysteries. I thank the Lord for delivering me throughout the day from my sins and especially from anger and rage and the consequences of anger against my wife and the poor. When I sincerely repented, then the Lord soon saved me, giving me peace and freedom. I praise the Lord for His constant good deeds to me, for His good obedience, quick obedience, kindness and goodness. The Lord has performed and continues to perform countless deliverances, renewals, and resurrections of my soul and body in me. My God is truly wonderful in me, and His power is clearly perfected in my weaknesses; Sin abounds in me, but the grace of forgiveness, cleansing, sanctification, and renewal also abounds in me. Glory to His long-suffering, His mercy, His invincible goodness and His power. 19. The slightest, momentary impurity in the heart or anger, grief or worldly addiction - and we are separated from God: so holy and simple in His truth and holiness is the Lord our God! And we are all so sinful, unrighteous, passionate, unclean, evil! You need to put in a lot of work to cleanse your heart of passions in order to unwaveringly unite with God! Waves of sin and storms of passions often tear our hearts away from God, the Source of life and holiness! But we thank You, Lord, that You destroy our sinful bonds and do not leave us in unsolvable bonds, 163 for You have taken upon yourself the sins of the world, Lamb of God! About the resurrection of the son of the widow of Nain [Luke 7:11–17]. And now there are many dead young men among widows, young men who died a spiritual death, carried away by their passions: freethinking, unbelief, blasphemy, debauchery, greed, secular pleasures, absent-mindedness, extravagance, laziness and aversion from everything spiritual, holy, from everything that puts a curb on their passions! Many mothers cry for their spiritually dead sons (just as many fathers and mothers cry for their lost daughters) - for them we need the fervent prayer of the Mother Church, the prayer of all members of the Church. We must pray for all the lost. The prayer of the Church is a great, creative power! Let us pray for the spiritually dead, that the Lord may resurrect their souls from sinful death. The destruction of souls is pitiful - they are in the image of God: eternal separation from God awaits them, if they do not turn and repent, do not correct themselves - eternal torment is unspeakable. Convert, young men! Repent, cleanse yourself! The Lord is waiting for your repentance! The rottenness of sin is cut out by Christ God by the roots from the hearts that are sincerely devoted to Him, so that it does not kill their souls forever. October 20. Morning, four and a half hours. Yesterday was for me, on the one hand, a day of special, endless mercy of God, the intercession and deliverance of God, and on the other hand, the extreme anger of the disembodied enemy against me, his cruelty and efforts to devour me. The Lord miraculously revived me after communion of the Holy Mysteries and gave me the grace to perform the entire liturgy without stumbling and with great boldness (and at the great entrance), renewing me through its service, but the Lord consoled me with the greatest deliverance and salvation after mass, when I went to the gymnasium; On the way, beggars met me (and one in the clothes of a novice), asking me for alms; I became angry with them for blocking my path, with bile I began to reprimand and threaten this novice, and although I gave him and two or three others money, I did so with displeasure, grief, sorrow, and for this I was punished immediately by the Lord by betrayal to Satan, who caused terrible oppression, sorrow and torment in me for quite a long time (for an hour); I walked for a whole hour, walked and prayed in deep repentance and self-condemnation, and the Most Merciful One saved me from the poison and fire of the serpent. I rejoiced in God’s salvation and thanked the Lord, and for the future I swore not to be angry with the poor and not to give place in my heart to anger, hard-heartedness, stinginess, impatience, irritability, which kills the soul. Only for the sake of the plagues of the Lord, His sufferings, I was delivered from terrible torment, from being devoured by the enemy! Oh, the priceless plagues of the Lord for sinners, believers and repentants! There is much, countless deliverance from troubles, sorrows, and lawlessness in them! O wondrous truth and shrine of God! How great, pure, simple, immutable, unshakable you are! How you crush all the untruths, all the anger of sinners, bring them to repentance, knowledge of the destruction and absurdity of all sin and reconcile them with yourself through sincere repentance! How subtle is the devil’s malice and how subtly, quickly, quickly, like lightning, it slips into our soul! How you need to be careful at every moment! And how much [...] evil there is in man! When I impartially look inside myself, I see myself full of evil - what is it if not the malice of the enemy, when in the secret of my heart I do not sincerely wish every good thing for every person, and for myself - every good thing and prosperity: health, longevity, success, comforts of life; I wish for others in secret - oh, Satanism! stumblings, falls, if only to expose their evil inclinations and correction, for, on the other hand, I sincerely desire correction from evil, and only wish that a person be punished for evil. And how much prodigal uncleanness is in my heart, unclean, nasty, voluptuous movements in my heart, in my flesh! How many blasphemous thoughts, greedy, selfish movements that kill the soul! How much hard-heartedness, lack of sympathy or envy, cowardice! Having known yourself, you will hate yourself and deny yourself and approach God the Savior with all your heart, so that He will correct, cleanse, sanctify, confirm us in all virtue, renew and save us. The Savior is infinitely dear and desirable to the repentant and self-aware sinner. The Cross of Christ is infinitely dear to all sinners, although not everyone regards it as such. How pitiful, helpless, and left without the Cross we would be! What would save us then? We, having sold ourselves to the enemy through our malice and our various untruths, would have remained forever and ever in his clutches. Therefore, we will live not for ourselves, but for the Savior, who suffered and died for us and rose again! 20. In the evening. I thank the Lord for the goodness of the early liturgy by His grace, although I was extremely unworthy of it for yesterday’s gluttony. He received the Holy Mysteries in a life-giving manner and was renewed with his whole being. I thank the Lord for His wondrous powers in me, revealed in the Hospital Church before the funeral service for Pavel Ivanovich Kryukov, who burned to death on his sofa. The enemy instilled extreme confusion and fear in me, an evil suspiciousness regarding Father Vladimir Krasnopolsky regarding the deceased, that he died drunk, that it was a sin to pray for him, but when the enemy bothered me like that, inducing fear, melancholy, shame, and evil suspiciousness into me, I prayed intensely to deliver me from these arrows of the enemy. And he received complete deliverance, so he performed the funeral service with great boldness. Christ God is gloriously glorified in me. Glory and thanksgiving to the Lord for everything. 21. The Church is the source of Jacob, containing within itself the ever-flowing water of life - the grace of God, which revives us, quenches the thirst of souls, cools the heat of sin. Last night I drove away the prodigal demon with the cross, who tried to defile me with an unclean vision in a dream. I cut off the sweetness like a sword! Oh, if only all the sweets of the body! Glory to the life-giving power of Your Cross, killing passions! After early mass. I thank the Lord, who has given me the grace to perform the early Divine Liturgy without stumbling and to receive life-giving communion, for the remission of sins and into eternal life of the most pure and life-giving Mysteries of His Body and Blood. Parents' Saturday. During Matins and partly the Liturgy, I felt a [strong] tightness in my insides from yesterday’s satiety. The voice at Matins was rattling, broken, unclean, but at Mass grace cleansed, strengthened, and clarified. Again he did something crazy: after early mass he greedily ate a cake (butter wheat, sugar-filled, light cookies) and burdened himself. Oh, greed! Delicacy, gluttony! And when? After receiving the incorruptible bread, the bread of eternal life, after receiving the most pure Mysteries of the Body and Blood of Christ! Here's some sweetness for you: sweet and pleasant for a minute, and then hard and unpleasant for a long time! Such are earthly sweets! This is not the sweetness of communion with God in the Mystery of the Body and Blood of Christ! October 22. I thank the Lord, who was patient with me yesterday and who revived my deadness through the communion of the life-giving Mysteries at the early liturgy. I thank the Lord, who gave me victory over the sin of internal fornication, when during a christening, while handing over a child to a foster girl, I accidentally touched her soft breasts and was instantly stung by the [wrestler’s] sting. I thank the Lord for the gift of tenderness and a kind voice, and the praise of His power during the all-night vigil. October 23. I thank the Lord, who delivered me yesterday from the burden and satiety of the day before through long prayer works, especially through the service of the liturgy and the communion of the Holy Mysteries; The Lord miraculously revived me with them. I thank the Lord for giving me the word to the people during the liturgy and for serving it without stumbling with His help. Thank you for serving many (twenty) prayer services in the homes of parishioners. He took out thirty-two rubles into the fraternal mug. 24. I thank the Lord, who showed me His help and mercy yesterday in the service of the Liturgy and miraculously revived me through the communion of the Divine Mysteries, who despised my intemperance, destroyed corruption and gave incorruption and renewal. I thank the Lord, who was pleased to show me help in serving the solemn thanksgiving prayer service at the gymnasium and who granted me the gift of making a short speech to the students and teachers. But forgive me, Vladyka, for some intemperance in drinking wine, which gave me a bit of a headache (I drank quite a bit of sherry). Look, Lord, have mercy on my poor son-in-law, who is being relocated to a distant parish in another district; Comfort them, O everlasting 164 consolation, and do not grant the spirit of despondency, sorrow and sadness to take possession of them. Send them an angel of a traveler, and travel with them yourself, O Most Good God, as you did to the travelers of Emmaus, as Tobias of old sent an angel of a companion. 24. Ten o'clock in the evening. Today, during mass, I was repeatedly overwhelmed by intense grief and melancholy over the transfer of my brother-in-law and sister to a distant parish in the Shenkursky district of the Arkhangelsk province, but the grace of God soon enlightened and consoled me. Wonderful thing! As soon as I fell with faith during the liturgy to the throne of grace with a request for mercy towards me, tightness and melancholy, like arrows, bounced off my heart, and I calmed down. I was comforted that the Lord allows sorrow, hardship, labor, and displacement for our good, that He Himself watches over everyone 165 and judges everyone in this life with internal and often external judgment, that He will reward patience, especially for unrighteous exile and deprivation of property, that He Himself, the Lord, in infancy, as throughout His entire life, suffered persecution from His enemies, that persecution is a sign of God’s providence about us, purifying our souls through persecution and sorrow, that the apostles, martyrs, hierarchs, saints and all the saints endured exile and sorrow, should we not endure and live in peace? Let the will of God be done. During the home all-night vigil and then for three hours, the enemy strongly pressed my soul with despondency and melancholy on the occasion of the transfer of my son-in-law to a distant parish. While walking in the fresh air, I prayed for a long time, and the melancholy passed. I submitted to the will of God. During mass there was an extremely difficult struggle with ethereal enemies who oppressed and confused me, and only by faith in the Lord and in His Blood did I defeat the worst ethereal enemies. It was burning, it hurt. 25. Four o'clock in the evening. I thank the Lord, my quick to obey, who took away my distress and sorrow during mass while reading the Gospel through the prayer of my repentance and who gave me the grace to complete the entire service without stumbling and to partake of the life-giving Holy Mysteries. Only sexton Vladimir Zrelov was annoyed and upset (and during mass this should not be at all, and annoyance and disappointment will not help) for the greyhound singing I Believe, Like the Cherubim, Worthy and Righteous is, Holy..., We Sing to Thee, Worthy, sacramental verses (he sang abruptly). It was from the enemy and from my evil skill. Have mercy, Lord! I came home after mass, irritated by the stench of camphor, after class I was completely upset by the opposition of my wife, who did not want to take my scented fur coats into the attic, and I sinned, resisted her, and she attacked me with her fists. May the Lord, who enlightened Moses’ sister Miriam, enlighten her, may he teach her to fear and obey her husband, may he soften her heart and then may he forgive her sins, as He is merciful, as He forgives me. After Vespers. I thank the Lord, who made me, a sinner, worthy to perform Vespers - polyeleos with great boldness, although I left home, deliberately not outwardly reconciling with the wife who [offended] me, but having reconciled internally, deeply. I forgave her all her insolence, and considered myself and her equally guilty of the enmity. Now it’s nine o’clock, and again my heart hurts and aches from hostility towards my wife, who did not want to submit to me after her orgy of pride. May hostility disappear and love reign, and all the more so the more I am offended. Love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you and those who attack you and drive you out [Matthew 5:44]. A Christian then reveals himself to be a Christian when he loves his enemies, blesses those who curse and sincerely wishes them all good things and prays for those who cause offense and attack. Otherwise, he is a pagan, that is, if he loves only those who love him, he kisses only his friends. Ten and a half o'clock in the evening. I saw the merciful intercession of the Lady after a zealous, ardent, whole-hearted invocation of Her for help in spiritual trouble, in enmity with my wife, when I prayed to Her, the Queen of heaven and earth, in deep repentance. I saw and glorified Her with all my heart. God bless! Now I'm at peace. Thoughts of love of money, voluptuousness and, in general, the attack of passions on a person’s heart stop and stop the flow of spiritual life in the heart. Therefore, they must be reflected at the very beginning and quickly. Yesterday I showed the firmness of my will in front of the absurd, but passionate and also firm will of my wife. May her stubbornness be broken by the firmness of my decision, for a wife must submit to her husband and respect him as the head. For disobedience and disrespect and reproach, she will lose a lot. I’ll see what happens from her: will she change, will she come to her senses? May I keep in my heart love and respect for her as a person. Yesterday I was pardoned by the Lord by the Most Pure Mother of God, through Her intercession, and I was saved from sorrow and oppression and embarrassment. Yesterday after mass I did something absurd - I ate cod and potatoes at home, which made my heart feel very tight and heavy; it continued all the time in the gymnasium and on the way forward and back, and nothing - neither repentance nor prayers I could drive it out completely, it upset the completely peaceful and blissful state of my soul, which I was honored with after communion of the Holy Mysteries. Science ahead - don’t eat anything after mass, know your time. About the sailor's widow Tatyana Afonina (Fedor Afonin) with two young children. 26. I thank the most merciful Lord from the bottom of my heart for the unfailing, bold service of the liturgy and the destruction of all the machinations of the enemy in the family and in me, in my insides, and for the revival of the communion of the Holy Mysteries. I thank the Lord for the good obedience, quick obedience, good-naturedness, and helpfulness that were wonderfully revealed in me before the service in the evening, when I was angry with the beggar and therefore was embarrassed, received sorrow and tightness in my soul, and when I sincerely repented to the Lord, joining the throne of grace with faith, I immediately received peace and freedom and served life-giving; then before the service of the memorial service, when I, weakened in soul from inner anger and embarrassed, prayed to the Lord in repentance to grant me forgiveness, cleansing, sanctification, boldness, strength to perform the memorial service, and finally when, going home and meeting beggars asking for a coat, a passport, I became angry with them, and therefore fell into torment, and when I repented deeply and fervently, I received forgiveness, renewal, freedom, space, life from the dead. You always surround me, Lord, with the joys of deliverance. I thank the Lord for the miracle of the good fortune of my wife, who was embittered at me for taking fur coats scented with camphor out of the room, and me, who was mutually embittered for her stubborn and vicious opposition to me, with her fists. She became affectionate, soft, helpful, and extremely helpful. This is a miracle of the Lord's blessing. October 27. Friday. Three times the Lord delivered me from fierce sorrow and distress during Matins: once the sorrow was for being angry with a beggar, another for being slightly angry with a sexton for faulty singing, and the third time for being angry with a fellow priest who was in church. The benevolent and beneficent Master soon delivered me when I sincerely condemned myself and repented. I must look at the poor as at Christ Himself, in their image asking me for alms, and with humility, love, zeal and willingness to give them what they need, without fear (like a pagan who has no hope) of poverty, for the Lord has always rewarded and will reward me abundantly. The thought of the unity of the members of the Church as members of a single body is carried throughout the entire divine service, as the thought of the members of the spiritual Kingdom of Christ, eternal, imperishable. This idea can be brought out more clearly in textbooks. In worship, the main idea is that God in the Trinity is both the Creator and Provider of the world and our Redeemer, Savior, Helper, King and Judge of the entire human race, to whom we must thank, glorify, ask for our needs, to whom we must always repent of our sins, to whom we must propitiate the Bloodless Sacrifice (by offering the Body and Blood of Christ), by whom we must to be sanctified, established, and from whom eternal life must be expected. I thank the Lord for today’s liturgy and for the revival of the Holy Mysteries and for the victory over the fierce enemies who wounded me. In the divine service, another thought is conveyed that man, created in the image of God and miserably fallen into sin and ashes, enjoys the special, extraordinary, supernatural providence and care of God, that God, who created him in the beginning for eternal bliss, is faithful to Himself and to the purpose of man and, what He promised, He fulfilled and will fulfill until the end of the age; that He honors all those who are faithful to Him with eternal life and an eternal crown (incorruptibility and miracles), and betrays the unfaithful and sinners to eternal torment. 29. The money should be sent to Athos as soon as possible, although through [monk] Arseny. I had a dream that my writing table was on fire from the inside, and as if a stove was burning inside. I look at my wife - she doesn’t even listen. Eating cheese is bad for me - I won’t. During the morning service (all-night vigil) and early mass, I felt the greatest tightness and pressure in myself, and a clogged larynx (unclean, hoarse voice) due to yesterday's satiety at lunch and then snacking on a cake with cabbage and apples and cheesecake in the evening at the goddaughter of the birthday girl Paraskeva Shlyapnikova. But through the prayer of repentance, the Lord took away the excess of tightness after a long struggle and granted grace to perform [the liturgy] without stumbling, or almost, and to partake of the Holy Mysteries without condemnation. After mass and after vespers, the Lord repeatedly delivered me through the prayer of repentance from the inclinations to anger, envy and from the cramps that tormented me, especially before weddings: I married two weddings. The Word about the Sower and the Seed [Matthew 13:3–9; Mark 4:3–9; Luke 8:5–8]. By seed we must understand church, public and home prayer, good thoughts inspired by the holy Guardian Angel, and good conversations or speeches. 30. I thank the Lord, who overcame in me my anger at home (after Matins) against my sister-in-law because of the bed taken away for her from my bedroom, and because of her frequent visits to us and residence with us. I judged, by the grace of God, that love is more valuable than anything in the world, both as the fulfillment of the law and because God Himself is love [1.4:8]. I thank the Lord, who repelled carnal lust from my heart at six o’clock in the evening and gave me the grace of the sanctuary during the celebration of the home all-night vigil in Maria Arsenyevna’s apartment; I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the cramped conditions and torment of grief at the beggars when I went to Shlyapnikova for spiritual advice. October 31st. I sinned before the Lord, before my wife and before myself - I was angry inwardly with my wife for throwing all the order in my dresser out of order by putting in it her countless thread stockings for my socks. He puts his dresser in order, but mine is a mess, perhaps without even noticing it. But I should not at all be angry, angry and embittered with her because of any similar or other reason. I must cultivate in myself meekness, the quietness of Christ, kindness, humility, kindness, simplicity, patience, self-denial, and abstinence in everything. Painted (Church Slavic) – tinted, painted. Prayer to the Most Holy Theotokos “I sing of Thy grace, O Lady...” from the sequence of morning prayers. Morning prayer, final, to the Most Holy Theotokos “My Most Holy Lady, Mother of God, by Thy saints...” from the sequence of morning prayers. Undecided (Church Slavic) – captive, unreleased (“decide” – free). Prisny (Church Glorious) – true; unchanging, constant. Nazirati (Church Glav.) – observe, note.