Январь 1877 г.

January 1st. With unworthy lips from an indecent heart, but with faith and all possible zeal, I thank the Lord for heavenly help during the service of the liturgy and thanksgiving prayer and for the revival of the Most Pure Mysteries. But here I again sinned before God, before my neighbors and before myself - I was again angry with the beggars who met and saw me off almost relentlessly. There is no way out of you, I said, even if you lie down in the ground. These words are words of unbelief, stinginess, greed, impatience, pride (egoism), self-indulgence, sybaritism. I have sinned against the Lord. Oh, how heavy, how deadly is the dominion of sin: like a lion, it crushes our bones, ignites our blood and produces unnatural heat, pain and illness, deprives us of peace, boldness, and freedom. I thank the Lord, who heard me praying before the memorial service for Uzkova (Natalia Evgrafovna), and who gave me the grace to carry out the entire memorial service without stumbling. Glory to You, Lord, my Hope! My strength! How do I forget that by serving the poor, I serve Christ Himself, who said: “I was hungry, and you gave me food; I was thirsty and you gave Me something to drink; I was a stranger and you accepted Me; I was naked and you clothed Me; I was sick and you visited Me; I was in prison, and you came to Me” [Matthew 25:35–36]? Oh, the passion of the soul for the earth and its blessings! How it blinds a person and teaches him to do absurd things! There is no longer any logic or rationality in sin! This is constant madness. I thank and extol the Lord, all-merciful, all-merciful, all-generous, all-powerful, who delivered me from the greatest sorrow and distress that befell me for my repeated hardness of heart towards the poor. I spent a long time with this grief, I repented for a long time, although there was no tearful tenderness (about an hour passed); Finally, at a memorial service at the ktitor of the Church of the Epiphany, Kozmin, the Lord sent me complete deliverance. What a joy! What a world! What freedom! Why does the Lord allow me to grieve for a long time and to death? - To heal the heart, sick with passions, to soften its rudeness, to make it tender and sensitive. Otherwise it would become completely hardened. January 2. 1877. I thank the Lord first for forgiveness of the sin of cowardice and embarrassment and dumbness when pronouncing an exclamation for the repose of the servant of God Olga, in the presence of archpriests Porfiry and John and two deacons of the Church of the Epiphany and [...] an official (Golokhov); secondly, for assistance in performing a memorial service for the deceased Natalia Evgrafovna Uzkova. The enemy frightens me with my insignificance and my sins and takes away my faith in myself (suspiciousness). But may God always be glorified through me, by my courage and boldness in confessing the greatness and glory of God, His life-giving principle, the resurrection of the dead and their repose; Let my voice be like a trumpet, for faith and confession of the Lord before men cleanses sins, so that I do not hide a single word. God! Rise up to help me - to crush the enemy and the local 59 [Ps.8:3]. The job of a priest is to always confess the greatness of God and His righteous, endless power. The earthly Church is strong in its unity with the heavenly Church and with its Almighty Head; by this unity she is helped, strengthened, prospered, adorned and saved incessantly. Therefore, holy people of God are often mentioned, called upon and glorified in church services, and every Christian who wants to be established in faith, hope and love must, after the Head of the Church and the Most Pure and All-Beneficent Mother, call upon the saints of God for help. As for our sins, we surrender to God with all our truths and untruths, praying to Him for mercy and that He would not remember our countless iniquities, but would remember us in mercy and generosity, for we sin only and serve Him alone. January 3. I thank the Lord, who granted me victory over the evil devil in the apartment of the notary [Kozlyaninov] during the singing of the final litany upon my arrival from the country from the funeral of his daughter Natalia Evgrafovna Uzkova; By the grace of God, I completed the entire litany without stumbling, alone, without a sexton; Through a long struggle with the enemy and prayer, I strengthened my soul and became a winner. May my hope of getting rid of the machinations of the enemy come true. I myself am the instigator, the culprit of the feud that occurred on the evening of January 4 because of Anna’s servant, who was in many ways extremely sloppy and faulty; I was contradicted by my wife and especially Anna Andreevna Vorotnikova, who reached the point of arrogance in her words, claiming that I was unfair regarding the servants, and calling me proud for not agreeing with her. And I, indeed, turned out to be proud, taking offense at her for being blamed for her pride and getting irritated with her to the point that I did not order her to come to us if she allowed herself to start troubles, disputes, quarrels over persons and things that she truly does not know and which do not concern her. She was very offended by me and left without saying goodbye and not wanting to make peace with me when I was looking for it. By this she proved her pride and anger. But forgive me, Lord, for I did this thing knowingly; Forgive her, Lord, for in ignorance she committed her sin against me and left with it. She even told me the truth, but I, sick of untruth, was offended by her for boldly denouncing pride and malice in the untruth. For if I were humble, I would not be offended, I would not be embittered if they called me proud, and this word would not hurt me at all - I would listen to it calmly and without anger. It should be noted that beer was, among other things, the reason for my displeasure with the servants, my complaint about her and my ranting. I also repent of my intemperance before the Lord. I pray to the Lord, with a repentant heart, to forgive our sin, destroy the machinations of the enemy and blot out our crimes. Behold, from my heart I forgive all the words of my rival, for I myself admit myself guilty, and I myself ask her forgiveness before Your face, Lord! Amen. Wake up! Lord Humanity! “It is yours to be merciful and save us,” just as the devil is to plunge us into guilt and destroy us. Have mercy and save us, who repent to You, O Lord, for our guilt, me and Your servant Anna the orphan. I thank the Lord, who granted me sincere repentance and had mercy on me soon, for I feel God’s mercy in my heart. So have mercy on my rival Anna, Lord! Wake up! Glory to Thee, Lord, who destroyed the work of the devil. For “whoever commits sin is of the devil, because the devil sinned first” [1 John 3:8]. He sinned again, going out into the street and meeting beggars, annoyingly asking for alms after giving that same day: he gave one a strong push in the face, tore another by the hair in anger, although afterward he gave them what they asked for. I repented to the Lord for this daring act for a long time and received pardon again. Glory to the Lord! Tomorrow, January 5, 1877, no food or drink until the star. From what pure, good, sincerely loving and reverent hearts rose prayers, praises and thanksgivings to the Mother of God, set out in prayers, canons, stichera, akathists, troparions and kontakions! How pure and holy their compilers were! Remembering this, we, Christians, will glorify the Most Holy Mother of God, and all the saints, with a pure heart. Love endures everything and covers everything, is long-suffering, merciful, does not think evil, is not irritated [1 Cor. 13:4-7] - but yesterday, under the influence of beer, I gave myself over to impatience, unmercifulness, irritation, evil thoughts about the servant Anna and about Anna Andreevna Vorotnikova. – I repent and bitterly accuse myself of pride, impatience, pride, irritability, anger, grumpiness, and offending others. A person is known from adversity and temptation - what he is like: good or evil, humble and meek or proud, patient or impatient, self-loving or friend-loving, simple or crafty, pure in heart or vile and lascivious; obedient or willful, abstinent or greedy, lazy or diligent in business. And the temptations that happen to me show the bad sides of me: I am angry, irritable, proud, impatient, proud, ambitious, crafty, fornicating, wayward, stubborn, disobedient, vindictive, lazy, vain, intemperate and greedy. I repent of all these to the Lord: correct me and have mercy on me, and “establish me on the rock of Your commandments” 60. “Faith without works is dead” [James 2:17]: show your faith and repentance by works; if you truly repent of all these sins, then prove by good deeds that you hated the sins and loved the virtues that are opposite to them, meekly endure the insult, the contradiction, do not be embarrassed by the contradiction, even if it is an unrighteous, offensive and reproachful word, do not lose your temper, do not get irritated, do not threaten, do not stop the affection or at least the feeling of love and respect for the person reproaching, righteously or unjustly; show kindness and meekness when you are slandered, obedience when you are ordered, non-covetousness when you are tempted by greed; abstinence when there is a reason for intemperance, delicacy, overeating; purity and chastity, when there is a temptation to voluptuousness from some persons or from imagination, memories, from voluptuous pictures, books, conversations, movements, etc.; show true benevolence when your heart, taught self-love in every way, envyes, seeing the prosperity, contentment, success in service and differences of your neighbor. Sincerely rejoice in the happiness of another; also sincerely grieve with the unfortunate; comfort the sad, take sincere participation in his sadness, as in your own. Stop laziness and negligence, which have become a habit, and always correct it with an attentive and conscientious attitude to work, for example, to worship, to preaching the word of God, or to reading and listening, to teaching children the Law of God; if you looked at people with carnal, worldly eyes, then from now on look at them with the eyes of faith, as beings in the image and likeness of God, as members of Christ and churches of the Spirit of God, as co-redeemed for eternal life, as members of the Church, members of one body, as children of God. Grant me all this, Lord, and I thank You that You turned the sin that happened to me for my good, allowing me to know myself, my sins, my great delusions. Even hitherto I was alien to true love, but I was filled with self-love, pride, wickedness, malice, vanity, carnality, fornication, uncleanness, love of money, laziness and negligence. The root of all evil is pride, addiction to earthly things and hence dislike for one’s neighbor, vanity, impatience, pride, malice, deceit, and in general the passions that nest in our hearts; these tares, growing in our hearts from negligence and intense occupation with earthly, carnal and worldly affairs, choke out the wheat. The words: “in the villages of the righteous he will create, in the bosom of Abraham he will give rest” (God will give rest to the dead), with “he will count the righteous and have mercy on us” have an important and deep meaning, namely, that the Lord, by His immeasurable goodness and love for mankind, for one unhypocritical faith will forgive us our sins, imputing faith in the truth to us, who do not have righteous deeds, will rest in the bosom of Abraham, the father believers, to whom faith in righteousness is also imputed, and will be reckoned with the righteous not according to our merits, but according to the faith of Abraham or, more precisely, according to the faith of Christ, which Abraham also had, having foreseen the Redeemer long before His coming. This is the important and deep and comforting meaning these words have. With what weight, with what hope, with what sincerity should they be pronounced in due time. These words are extremely disgusting to the devil and enrage him, because they preach about the destruction of his power, power and strength over people redeemed by the most pure, priceless, incorruptible blood of Christ. Glory and thanksgiving to the Lord for this! January 5, 1877. Wednesday. My flesh constantly deceives me and forces me to violate the commandments of the Lord, the fulfillment of which consists of my eternal life, kills my soul with spiritual death, and harms the health of the body. What should I do with her? - Break off the sinful union with her, hate her and all her carnal wisdom and live according to the spirit, according to the Gospel of the Lord. Wake up! Until now, I have often given alms with displeasure, reproaches, bitterness, sparing money, and not the members of Christ - but from now on I give with humility, zeal, willingness, with heartfelt simplicity and generosity. “I was hungry, and you gave Me food; I was thirsty and you gave Me something to drink; I was a stranger, and you took Me in” [Matthew 25:35]. Remember eternal life, despise this life and everything here. Remember what the Lord did for your salvation, how He bowed the heavens and came down to earth; how you became poor in order to enrich you with Divinity; how he died in order to put your death to death, and rose again in order to revive you and give you eternal life. Remember the imperishable crown of the Kingdom. Grant me, Lord, the grace to celebrate the worldwide celebration of Holy Baptism, in the likeness of Jordan, on this day. This is the triumph of the rebirth of all humanity and my rebirth, for the Lord washed away all my filth with Baptism, consumed all my corruption, renewed me, remade me, as if He created me again. Oh, miracle of miracles! Instead of slavery, I received adoption! Let me be strong and courageous, celebrating the triumph: “The kingdom of heaven suffers violence, and those who use force take it by force” [Matthew 11:12]. Without number I have experienced the truth of these words of my Lord. So, I will always use effort, so that I may be saved. And now, on the day of Epiphany, during the celebration of the Jordanian celebration - especially. Wake up! With a strong voice glorify the Lord on the waters, not like Moses and Aaron at the waters of quarrel. Do not be faint-hearted, lest the Lord strike you. You did a great job, you worked hard - you collected, on such a favorable occasion, twice as much Epiphany water for the brethren, and for the poor, and for the sexton. January 6. I thank the Lord, who revived me with the divine communion of the Holy Mysteries and gave me the boldness to read the sincere, powerful prayer behind the pulpit, to deliver a sermon and to take leave at the liturgy and requiem. Why this reluctance to pronounce the words of God’s praise twice and thrice, while we are ready to repeat trifles a hundred times? Oh, Belial! These are the tares from you. We work so hard for perishable property, we fuss, we shed sweat, sometimes we don’t sleep at night - isn’t it for the incorruptible property of wealth, that is, virtue, and for eternal life, that we don’t work here in the short term of our earthly life? Shall we not take care to mortify the passions that kill us? Or here: we travel, walk with the cross and holy water on great holidays and enter into communication, albeit short-term, with hundreds of our spiritual children, and we see their love and zeal for us, truly amazing, delighting and comforting us, spiritual shepherds. Isn’t this spiritual wealth - God’s wealth, this disposition and love, for which we must earnestly thank the Lord, who so arranges these souls and these hearts, and shouldn’t we even more care about their salvation, pray for them fervently, as they are fervently devoted to us? After all, they are all the property of God, the wealth of God, the children of God, the redeemed property of God, for which the priceless blood of the Lord was shed, for whom the Lord came to earth, became a man, lived with people, taught them, worked miracles, healed, raised the dead, suffered grievously, died and was resurrected! Oh, how vigilantly we must care about the salvation of this property of God! How dearly to love him! It should always be in our hearts. Yes it will be. But away from everyday passions that cool our hearts towards God and our neighbor. “Ecu came and ecu appeared, the Unapproachable Light” 61. Glory to Your appearance, Lord! Glory to Your wise and all-good Council! You hid the light of the Divine, unapproachable even for Angels, under the veil of Your flesh, in order to be approachable to me, a man, in order to convey to me the wealth of deification, the wealth of knowledge, truth, holiness, strength, boldness. Glory to You! Behold, I rise from my bed in order to commit to writing the greatest mercy of God, the miracle of His mercy and power, for He revived me by communion of the Divine Mysteries on the feast of Epiphany, when I was killed by my sins. I thank the Lord, who does great good deeds to me and to all creatures every day and hour; I thank you, in addition to other countless blessings, for the blessing delivered by sleep, given to us from the wisdom and goodness of God, for here I am, as if by some miracle, every night I am renewed by my mortal body, which sometimes becomes like a rag, without strength, life and appearance, and in the night it is renewed by sleep, receiving life, strength, freshness, appearance. “He created all wisdom ecu” [Ps.103:24]. God! Glory to You! “Bless the Lord, my soul, and do not forget all His rewards” [Ps. 103:2]. But the greatest and highest blessing of my God is that He forgives my sins and cleanses my soul from them, revives, sanctifies, renews, strengthens the soul, which is constantly killed and desecrated by the feces of sins, and leads to eternal life through the Holy Sacraments and through His holy word, through God-given shepherds and teachers. January 7. After early mass. I thank the Lord for the glorious salvation revealed to me after mass in the communion of His holy, life-giving Mysteries. The bodiless enemy became terribly angry with me when, out of lack of faith, I gave in to confusion [Ps. 120:3] while reading the prayer behind the pulpit, and poured a river of hellish fire into me, although it completely burned me: the fire burned, scorched me, devoured, oppressed me; I thought: trouble, I am lost, the Lord is angry with me, He has abandoned me, He has turned His face away, He will not show mercy; I hesitated, tossed, and shrank, but as soon as I had calmed down somewhat, I began to consume and consumed the Holy Mysteries, the fire disappeared, the river of grace cooled, calmed, expanded my heart and whole being, and I got rid of terrible enemies. Glory to the Lord! (I think because of gluttony - meat-eating, and especially because of money, I was embarrassed and tormented by an envious enemy, that with my [special] zeal I collected money for the poor with the cross, and I delivered almost three times as much to the brethren, and a special jackpot for the sexton.) I repent before the Lord that I carelessly, not from the heart, insincerely read and sang when performing divine services, for example, walking with a cross, reading prayers to mothers in labor, or over the sick, when admonishing them, when performing Baptism, and other Sacraments, especially Marriage, when performing memorial services, funeral services - I missed words many times due to demonic action, carelessly and reluctantly blessed people asking for blessings. January 8. I thank the Lord, who showed His mercy to me, evil, but who repented of my malice, during the standing of Matins, when I was indignant and angry with Father Archpriest Pavel V. Trachevsky because he was alienated from us, the members of the clergy, and protected the sacristy to the extreme, not giving decent vestments. I realized that I was busy with vanity, that I was paying attention to the vanity, and not to the true and essential, not to the clothing of my soul, which is shameful, unclean, stinking because of the countless passions that envelop my soul; I repented before the Lord of this and other sins, and the Lord gave me peace, driving away confusion, fire, and oppression, and I read the canon with boldness. Old passions nest within me: self-love, pride, malice, envy, fornication, covetousness, disobedience, laziness, negligence, impatience, gluttony, covetousness, greed, cowardice, cowardice, despondency. So, for example, when the Most Reverend Metropolitan of St. Petersburg received me coldly and despotically, from above, I was extremely offended and amazed by this and cried for a long time about it in the apartment of Professor [Gurnov], my comrade and brother-in-law - and I did not love him since the blatant curses of Britnev Al. and Nikolai Sidorov in the apartment of Nikitin, the headman of the cathedral, I lost respect for him, instead of defending his honor as the main hierarch with many virtues. Behold, I have old pride and malice, but a truly humble person rejoices in every humiliation, like a gentle lamb, because he considers himself, by his sins, worthy of all humiliation. If the most holy and sinless Lord was humiliated, he thinks, then will I, a sinner who has surpassed everyone in sins, remain without humiliation? Will I be respected by everyone? He loves those who humiliate and humble him as benefactors. Give me tacos, Lord! Yes it will be. So today I became angry with two beggars for their frequent begging and inaction, although they had long promised that they would do so. I repent to the Lord, the Knower of the Heart, for the movement of anger, malice, covetousness, greed, impatience, pride, and unbelief. “Love is patient, merciful... is not irritated, does not think evil... never falls away” [1 Cor. 13:4-8]. Why do I like to treat myself from others and am not angry with myself for accepting the treat, but am offended at the beggars for the same thing that I do? Why do I blaspheme the gifts of God? For the gifts of God are blasphemed through my stinginess, greed, malice, and envy. Why is my eye envious and stingy? Grant me, Lord, to give to the poor in simplicity and with joy, with zeal, just as I am treated with joy, in simplicity, with zeal. May I learn from the poor meekness, humility and gentleness, in which they are rich, for this is imperishable wealth, and I, a beggar at heart, do not have these virtues. January 8. The Liturgy constantly reminds us of the greatest miracle performed on earth by God because of His infinite love for people, namely, that God appeared on earth in our flesh, or became incarnate, taught people, suffered and died for us and rose from the dead; through this it reminds us of love for God, for truth, for His holiness, for mercy, for heavenly wisdom. January 8. He baptized Lieutenant Konstantin Lvovich Bubnov incorrectly, timidly, from timidity and the closeness of the enemy, not uttering many words, not finishing many prayers. Why is this weakness with me? Why is the violence of the devil inevitable this time? Out of satiety, must I confess, damned? This is why my heart was paralyzed, dulled, and became powerless. It’s also because I didn’t serve the Liturgy today, I wasn’t renewed, I wasn’t strengthened. - Oh, abstinence! Oh, angelic life! When do I get jealous about you? And every priest should live like an angel. There should be no talk about the money collected for the benefit of the poor, for it was only through my zeal that it was collected, and I give it to the brethren in abundance, without offense. “Let us remember the poor woman” [Gal.2:10], and not just ourselves. Amen. [...] but I don’t need to get attached to them: they are decay. January 9. Sunday. Early mass. I thank the Lord, who performed in me the miracle of deliverance, cleansing, renewal, sanctification, strength through the communion of His most pure and life-giving Mysteries and who was successful in reading the prayer behind the pulpit and dismissal - daring. But when, at the funeral service, when pronouncing the dismissal, out of timidity, I did not turn my face to the west, but stood facing the east, and doubted and was afraid to utter the words “in the bosom of Abraham he will rest and will count with the righteous,” the devil entered my heart, defeating me with doubt and fear, and tormented me greatly when, finally, from using the Holy Gifts by me, he ran away and I calmed down. Forward there is never any need to hesitate or be afraid. Is sin healed by sin? Isn’t despondency and fear a new and grave sin? We must always dare, even though we are sinners. We are sinners, but God's, sinners, but those who repent - and we will not perish. I thank the Lord, who accepted my repentance, according to His infinite mercy, at five o’clock in the evening, after Vespers, when I was in hellish fire, sorrow and cramped conditions after being offended by a beggar (I pulled his hair out), who approached me with persistence. I was going for a walk in anticipation of the wedding, having just given gifts to the beggars, and wanted solitude and peace, and he caught up with me and began to demand strongly: in frustration, I pulled his hair out. In deep repentance, with unshameful hope, I turned to the Lord for mercy and received restoration and renewal of soul and body, killed by sin, healing, peace, freedom. Oh, holy, all-saving faith! I have received and am receiving countless blessings from you! There is no number of God's salvations through faith: all the days and every day, many times over, I receive through faith healing, rebirth, resurrection, salvation, great help, strength, courage, light, peace, freedom, space, boldness, glory, incorruptibility, holiness, truth, wisdom. Glory, glory, glory for this to the Lord, our Savior, forever and ever. The Lord is always among us, according to His word: “Behold, I am with you always, even to the end of the age” [Matthew 28:20]; Therefore, we must live with fear, prudently, meekly, in humility, kindness, purity and chastity, not offending anyone - for all are members of the Lord, His churches, His churches. I thank the Lord, who has also covered my sins against the poor with the depth of His merits. He commanded to leave those who fall in sins seventy times sevenfold, leaving me sin for the day seventy times sevenfold [Matthew 18:22]. Glory to His long-suffering and mercy! Why am I still impatient and careless in fulfilling His commandments? I thank the Lord, who gave me the grace to celebrate my marriage in the cathedral with the greatest boldness, completely without stumbling. 11. I am going to accuse myself with all severity of my iniquity, committed last night, for I did malice, great malice to the beggar, becoming enraged at him like an animal and tormenting him by the hair, as a beast torments its prey, and kicking him out of my apartment for the sole reason that, having received forty kopecks from me, he asked for more boots. What devilish malice, what pride, insolence! What pride, impatience, what irritability, evil impetuosity! What love of money, self-indulgence, voluptuousness! What envy is there for the small amount of good received by a beggar (forty kopecks), for what, by the way, if not envy, made me furious with him? I give it to you, I thought, that’s enough, and you still ask? Oh, ingratitude before God! For with what and how many gifts has my Lord showered me and showers me every day! It is one good deed of God that I often partake of the life-giving, terrible, heavenly Mysteries of the Body and Blood of Christ, to what gratitude should it excite me, to what love, to what truth, to what meekness, to what humility and gentleness! What mercy! - And I appeared ungrateful, insensitive, forgetful of so many blessings of God! One hope for the infinite mercy of God still supports and saves me and does not allow me to perish for the sake of my sins, for the sake of my evils, for it both gives me and accepts my tearful repentance for my sins, and has mercy on me, and forgives my sins, and heals me. Glory to the mercy and patience of my Lord. The evil one offends and hurts himself the most. Oh, pathetic man! Reckless man! It should be noted that vodka also played a role in this act of evil: I drank three glasses of vodka from Father Pavel Lamanov, the birthday boy, which happens extremely rarely: it, by the way, communicated rudeness to the heart, it inspired insolence. An amazing and comforting picture of God’s mercy and long-suffering! Behold, I lie down in sin and sleep - and death does not strike me for my sins, but I sleep safe and rise safe, although “there is no peace in my bones from the presence of my sins” [Ps. 37:4]. But I rise in repentance and appease God’s mercy with tears of repentance - and my sins are forgiven, the destructive, hellish fire goes out in my insides; instead, life-giving fire penetrates my insides, and I come to life, I am resurrected, I perceive new life. - I thank the Lord for this. 12. I thank the Lord, who gave health to my womb and grace to my insides through the prayer of faith, as I clearly felt it myself, after which I calmly celebrated the Sacrament of Baptism and marriage upstairs in the apostolic church. All the words of the prayers were like pure and precious gold to my soul: my soul greatly valued them. A carnal man is deaf in heart to the words of prayers, but a gracious man is sensitive to them in heart, and is consoled and delighted by the spiritual truths, promises, images, blessings contained in them: they are like a life-giving balm for his soul, like a solid anchor on which it firmly holds amid the stormy waves of life and temptations. Glory to the Lord! Eating fish, especially indigenous [large] fish, and drinking milk is harmful to chastity, especially with beer (as I did yesterday) and with sweet tea: fornication is close. January 13. Thursday. I thank the Lord, who showed me His great, wonderful help during the service of the early liturgy in the Assumption Church; Before mass, I fell before the Lord with prayer for a prosperous service, and the Lord heard me; at the great entrance he remembered quite well the members of the royal house; “Remember first, Lord...” said everything; all behind the pulpit; all release. I thank the Lord, who saved me yesterday from lustful thoughts and movements of the heart, from the corruption of sin. When I finished early mass and the consumption of the Holy Gifts yesterday and, having thanked the Lord, left the church and began to kiss the icon of the Mother of God, the bastard devil cut me in the heart like a snake, blaspheming the Most Pure Mother of God and wounded me, but soon he was reflected in prayer and confession of the ineffable and eternal shrine of the Ever-Virgin... That after this all the cuts and embarrassment were in me produced? The adversary’s dream is to ignore it and know his business. January 14. Tonight in a dream, just before matins, I saw my mother Feodora Vlasyevna traveling in some forest, where I was, and was running with some priests and comrades. I look at her from a distance and see: ...mom, she recognized me, as if she had never been separated. She said that the fish that she prepared (fried) at home and left was all rotten and eaten by worms; Apparently, she spoke about the corruption of her body and everything on earth, especially about the corruption of all earthly scraps. There is no need to indulge in gluttony. Remember her, Lord, in Your Kingdom. Mama was not old at all in the dream. I thank the Lord for allowing me to see her. Yesterday after sleep, I performed the christening in the building of the Real School with great boldness, calmness and without stumbling. God bless! As I was falling asleep last night, I saw a beggar asking for alms at the gate, and I gave him little; he began to ask again. I escorted him out of the gate and locked it, and I leaned on it and stood there for a long time and fell asleep myself; he piteously asked, stood, looked into the well; Finally I woke up, the air was heavy in the room: I opened the window and the view, and it felt good. January 14. I thank the Lord for the successful, unfaltering service of the early Divine Liturgy (except for the proskomedia, at which I succumbed to demonic dreamy fear during the concelebration of the deacon, did not pronounce the prescribed prayers and verses of psalms and dismissal). But at the end of the funeral service at dismissal, I again succumbed to the fear of the ethereal enemy who was tempting me, and the enemy entered my heart, took away the grace of life, truth, holiness, peace, freedom, granted through the communion of the Holy Mysteries, and tormented me greatly for a long time; I was worried for half an hour, shivered, cried, and finally, having used the Holy Gifts, I calmed down, and little by little my mental ulcers were healed by the grace of the Holy Mysteries. From now on, let me not be afraid of the fear of demons, because of which such torment occurs, but let me boldly say everything that is suggested. Wake up. This is my glory, peace, joy! I sin only against God, but I serve Him alone, and not you, all-evil devil. You do not care about my sins, for God is my justification and sanctification. However, I suffered this for yesterday’s gluttony at the Grechukhins’. Serves it right. Just as it is true that the property of the parishioners is not your property, brothers of the cathedral, and the labor of others is not your labor, and what was collected by the labors of others for the benefit of the poor is not your property, so it is true that what was collected by me, by my labors, by my intention and the good fortune of God, in addition to the huge surplus collected for our fraternal benefit, is not in the least yours, but the goods of the poor or the acquisition, and it will benefit them, as it did. Cowardice and demonic fear are sins, and under no circumstances should they be allowed into the heart, even if you have sinned in some way before God and people. Sin is not cured by sin, but multiplies. “You alone have sinned” [Ps.50:6]. Through repentance, hope and courage, sin is healed. Do the same. I thank You, Lord, who has granted me to fully condemn the prodigal iniquities that have fallen on my thoughts and hearts and to ask You for forgiveness and mercy with peace and space in my heart after the sorrow and oppression of sin. You are everywhere and everywhere listening to me, Lord, glory to You! January 15. I thank the Lord for His extraordinary, divine powers, which were revealed in me tenfold in the communion of His Divine, most pure and life-giving Mysteries, and which destroyed sin and death in me with the terrible, soul-killing machinations of the devil, and miraculously renewed my dead being. Amen. I bring you the singing of victory, Lord! 15. After early mass. I thank the all-generous Master: I served Mass without stumbling, with great boldness, by His grace, and partook of peace, joy, and bliss. Glory, glory, glory to God, who saves us so much. But, Lord, I have so much asked You in Your name for the most pure and life-giving Mysteries, which I can without hesitation serve with glory before Your Face all the days of my life, grant me. Wake up! Amen. Evil is not destroyed by evil, but triples: for example, a wife caused evil to her husband, the husband took revenge on her for the evil in word or deed - and evil increased threefold: doubly in the wife, and once in the husband; [...]. So, do not take revenge with evil for evil, but overcome evil with good [Rom. 12:21]: do not be indignant, do not say an offensive word, do not do any offense or revenge; caress the one who has offended you, pray for him - and you will defeat evil. After Vespers on Sunday, January 15th. I thank the Lord, who raised me up when I fell into anger and was subject to confusion and distress; He revived, resurrected, renewed, reconciled me; bestowed boldness. Glory to His goodness, generosity, good obedience, kindness, His invincible power, His omnipresence. Keep me, O God, from now on and forever. Thank you for the stumbling-free service of Little Vespers with Compline. Today I ate rotten cabbage soup and meat at dinner, and for this I suffered extremely during the all-night vigil: a real illness developed in the seed vaults, my heart became dead, the enemy easily took possession of my soul and began to torment me, steal my words, brought melancholy, cramped conditions, pain in my left foot, in my small toes - there was trouble all around. But there was also tenderness during the all-night vigil - it was pleasant to recognize and feel [oneself] as a member of the Church of Christ, the city of the Living God, the heavenly Jerusalem. Looking at the Mother of God is the same as looking at the Lord Himself, for the Lord is with Her and in Her forever, and She is the adorned House of God; calling on Her is the same as calling on the Lord Himself, Who created an abode for Himself in Her, and She Herself is like the Lord in everything, is the purest image and purest likeness of God. Glory to Thee, Lady! Remember us in Your Kingdom and help us with Your sovereign power against enemies visible and especially invisible, who are constantly seeking to devour us. How vain and evil we humans are: we are often angry with our neighbors simply because someone did not bow to us or made a cold and inattentive bow, suspecting that the one who did not reciprocate is proud and contemptuous of us. Is our love for our neighbors so deep and sincere that it crumbles to dust at the first doubtful occasion? Is this long-suffering, never-thinking-evil, all-covering, never-falling love? We forget the word of our beloved Savior and Lord: “If you greet only your brothers, what special are you doing? Don’t the pagans do the same?” [Matthew 5:47]. “But you love your enemies and do good...” [Luke 6:35]. I saw a man who was self-deprecating among the learned, but who had not studied enough, although he considered himself to have completed his studies, bragging and comforted by his imaginary righteousness, Socratic righteousness, although Socrates did not boast. Find in me, he said, anything worthy of reproach, but you will not find it. A dangerous state: he has not penetrated into himself, does not see himself, his inner ugliness, his sinfulness - he is all a lie. He does not know himself, not like Socrates, who knew himself deeply. Open to him, Lord, the eyes of his heart, so that he can see himself and cry over his countless sins. When the disembodied enemy instills fear, fear, cowardice, and cowardice, then it is time for the tempted person to take courage, be strong, and trust in the Lord. A person's virtue is learned from enduring adversity. The time of temptation is a time of achievement and learning in virtue. So, in every temptation, look at the consequences of an unbearable temptation: embarrassment, oppression, shame, scorching fire, shame of yourself and people; humiliation of the truth of God, humiliation of the greatness of God and the virtues of the saints of God, blasphemy against God and the saints, blasphemy and hostility towards earthly authorities and towards people in general - shouldn’t we stand firmly against such temptations, until death? There is a false humiliation of oneself, a false humility, when a person, realizing his humble origins, his infirmities, weaknesses, sins or his ugliness, his incapacity, is ashamed of himself and puts others, the best, the noblest, the smartest, the beautiful, the rich, the noble, the learned, on too high a stage and in their presence he loses heart, becomes numb. This is a humiliation of one's human dignity; one must be aware of one’s dignity and behave with dignity, without cowardice in front of all human nobility, for all people are like people, equal, as respected by an equally reasonable, free, immortal soul, as created in the image and likeness of God. You are a sinner, brother, you humiliate yourself, but who is without sin? The Lord took upon Himself your sins, as well as those of the whole world - dare and glorify God in repentance and confession, but do not sin in the future. On the Sunday of the Publican and the Pharisee. Why are the earth and ashes proud? Look, man, at the extreme humility and exhaustion for the sake of our salvation of the Only Begotten Son of God, the Creator of the ages, and be ashamed of your pride. Remember His words: “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven” [Matthew 5:3], and: “Whoever exalts himself will be humbled, but he who humbles himself will be exalted” [Luke 18:14]. January 17. I thank the Lord, who showed me still unspeakable mercy in the service of the liturgy and in the communion of the most pure and life-giving Mysteries: again, I, mortified by sins, was revived by the abyss of His goodness, although I was unworthy, and I spoke the sermon loudly and boldly, and read the prayer behind the pulpit and dismissed me. He baptized the baby before mass. After Vespers, I baptized my legs because of pain with annoyance, grumbling and some insolence. I sincerely condemn myself for my impatience. But on the evening of dismissal and at Compline, out of empty fear, he did not say it, he hid it, he only said the tip. Gromovsky's countryman had a prayer service after mass and ate caviar, salmon, and halibut in a kulebyak; Then I drank a glass of sherry at Neustroev’s. The debt to the trustee was forgiven by Pav.I. Neustroev. Thank God that I succeed through Him, my God. Love the church with all your soul, reverence it, for from it comes your life, your sanctification, your strength, help, glory, honor; from it comes eternal life; all your spiritual treasures are here. The world that you love and worship is adulterous and sinful, corruptible and fleeting, deceptive, treacherous, deceitful. The more I live in the world and the more I sin, willingly or unwillingly, with reason or unreason, without wanting, however, to sin intentionally: for who [wants] to play with fire or with a deadly snake, the more I recognize and experience the abyss of God’s mercy, the more I reverence the God of love, mercy and generosity, before His invincible power, the more I recognize my sinfulness corruption, my extreme weakness in the fight against sins, the more I humble myself before God and people. I will betroth you to myself in faith, I will betroth you to myself in mercy and generosity - and I will adore the Lord. How many times today has the Lord saved me, self-loving, irritable, prodigal? - Repeatedly. Only I will repent heartily and say to the Lord: Lord! I have sinned before You, but I plunge into the abyss of Your love for mankind, into the abyss of Your generosity, into the abyss of Your healings, Your salvations - and I receive wondrous mercy, I feel the streams of life sweetly pouring into my soul and body; I am cleansed, saved, pacified, strengthened. Glory to the Lord! Again I made a gross and senseless mistake this evening: I ate quite a lot of veal jelly, although without bread, whereas an hour before I had drunk tea with buns. With this I burdened myself and became incapable of studying. I never eat at night. From overeating - laziness and lethargy, dullness, drowsiness. Happy is he who does not eat meat. You need lean [pies] with blackcurrant jam. 18. I thank the Lord for the liturgy, for the stumbling-free service, cheerful, grace-filled, for the wonderful revival of the Divine Mysteries. Glory to the Lord! Glory to the Lord for my multiple salvation through His name, His power, His power, His mercy! How insolent and ungrateful I am before God and the Master of my life! He daily and almost hourly renews me, decaying in crimes and repenting, and I again corrupt myself with sins, neglecting the virtues of abstinence, meekness, humility, spiritual purity, patience, obedience, sincere love, simplicity, goodwill to everyone. I thank the Lord for help from above during the service of Matins; I only stole the petitionary litany. Vanity constantly takes us captive through sight, hearing, smell, touch, through the mind, imagination, memory, through feelings. God honored us with infinitely great respect, accepting our nature; I will constantly try to be worthy of such God’s care for us, such love that surpasses all understanding. I am a philosopher and theologian: I look at our nature from the point of view of Holy Scripture and philosophizing within the limits of Revelation and common sense of reason. Everything in the world is pure, beautiful, purposeful. Our passions are a perversion of the divinely established order: for example, the desire of a woman is given to a man under certain conditions so that through copulation the reproduction of the human race occurs in a lawful manner, and not for the desire and enjoyment of intercourse itself. In this case, as in many others, man or men are co-workers with God: through them, as through God’s instruments, the human race is created. It is obvious that intercourse is not a toy, but a matter of very great importance, like the matter of procreation. Fornicators and adulterers! Be ashamed of nature itself! A terrible temptation befell me today at the end of the water-blessing prayer service to Athanasius Gavrilov - for my ambivalence of heart during prayer, for the fact that I wanted to work for God and mammon, allowing partiality and man-pleasing, which is why I was embarrassed and could not stop shouting and dismissing. The devil from the abyss of hell and from Gehenna breathed into my soul a terrible, destructive, all-consuming flame and deprived me of the sweetest grace of the Lord Jesus Christ, which I received in the heavenly and life-giving communion of the Holy Mysteries; constrained me, shackled me with iron, fiery shackles, from which I could only partially free myself after consuming the Holy Gifts; a terrible temptation almost plunged me into despair; the enemy blocked my path to repentance, hardening my heart, depriving it of hope, peace, freedom, light, removing it from the Lord. But it serves me right: do not humiliate the Lord, received in the communion of the Holy Mysteries, do not please people because of mammon - because of the womb and money; Behold grief, keep your priestly and angelic dignity inviolable for earthly calculations and earthly vanity. Even in class after mass, I was in an excited, restless state, I felt the scorching thorns of the enemy, although there was no comparison between these burning thorns and those that I experienced in church. And the reason is satiety from the evening. The Lord exalted us in creation, creating us in the image and likeness, and especially in redemption, deifying us, making us partakers of the divine nature [2 Pet. 1:4]; and the devil extremely, hellishly humiliates, perverts us with sins, absurd in all forms, vanity, vanity, pride, arrogance, self-love, deceit, envy, gluttony, drunkenness, fornication, lasciviousness, laziness and negligence, willfulness and stubbornness, despondency, despair, unbelief, madness, severity, obstinacy, fear, cowardice, doubt, suspicion, ill will, and many other sins, which are countless. The evil enemy of the human race, the devil, constantly tries to destroy faith and love between people: faith - through various heresies and schisms and through sinful life, and love - through carnal passions and in general through human vices, which dry up true love in the hearts of people. “Have ears to hear, let him hear” [Matthew 11:15] and let him take heed. 19. Wednesday. I thank the Lord for the wonderful grace of the mercy of peace, purification, salvation through communion of the Divine Mysteries at the late liturgy. Thank you for the successful celebration of the liturgy itself. Oh, truly innumerable goodness - the Lord! Truly an abyss of mercy! An inexhaustible sea of ​​mercies! That very minute the Lord miraculously revived me, through my prayer. I applaud the mercies of God. (I was upset with my wife and Anna Konstantinovna, her sister and mine.) Reverend Father Euthymie the Great, whose memory we now commemorate, ask to always be in good spirits (wake up!) and not to be upset with your wife or anyone. (Wake up!) “The world is crucified to me, and I to the world” [Gal.6:14]. Grant me this, Lord, to be, so that I may live for You. Amen. (May this also be for me at the wedding, may I be crucified, may I be dead to human beauty, corruptible and vain.) 20. I thank the Lord for the greatest miracle of reviving me with the heavenly life-giving Mysteries and for the unfailing service of the liturgy (however, a strange thing: “First remember, Lord, the Most Holy Governing Synod and our Lord, the Most Reverend Isidore, Metropolitan of Novgorod, St. Petersburg and Finland” because of some dandy, an actor or someone else who stood at mass - I was afraid, ashamed, I don’t know what [Or] what there is glory and greatness on earth, in the Church of God.) I celebrate the Divine Liturgy every day, and how passionate I am, an earthling, to serve it! How far am I from what is suggested and commanded by the words: “Woe are our hearts.” How far I am from that purity of heart that is required from the person performing this most holy Sacrament, from that spirit of universal love with which the Holy Church prays for the whole world and for the entire fullness of the Church, for all authorities, for all people, that the Lord may have mercy and save everyone, through the prayers of the Most Pure Mother of God, through the intercession of the honorable ethereal Heavenly Powers, the glorious holy apostles, the glorious and victorious martyr, venerable and God-bearing fathers and all saints. I often perform the heavenly Baptism, this is the Sacrament of purification, renewal, adoption of a person to God, introduction into the [inheritance] of heaven. And how I have not yet renounced earthly addictions! Having become an heir of God, a child of God and others, teaching through Baptism the gift of rebirth, adoption, spirituality, heaven, I remain a slave of sins, passions of all kinds - pride, self-love, malice, envy, fornication, gluttony, covetousness, despondency, laziness, self-will, etc. A wonderful thing! I am always in contradiction with myself, with the word of God, with that verbal service to God and people that I so often perform! How long will this last? January 21. I confess the great mercies of God, shown to me this day during Matins, before mass, when I felt tightness and sorrow in my soul after being upset with the beggar and after the words: you will be cursed if you drink away my alms; during mass, when the Lord repeatedly destroyed in me the death that came from the slander of the enemy and my sins, but especially manifested after the communion of the Holy Mysteries, when the wonderful Divine life penetrated me all, embraced, cleansed, sanctified, encouraged. And in the gymnasium, the Lord solemnly destroyed the death that had come to me and gave me life and freedom. I praise His benevolence and good-will. And on the way to the gymnasium, the Lord revealed January 22. I thank the Lord, who worked miracles in me all day from early morning, who created in me the greatest mercies and powers of deliverance from the deceit of evil spirits who mercilessly embittered me during Matins (in a hurry to serve and fearing someone (and these someone, of course, are evil demons making ghosts), I did not clearly and completely say the litany at the Midnight Office and the small litany at Matins), after Matins, before mass, during mass, after mass (Zelyonaya was afraid and did not say the prayer for dismissal, as a result of which he was strongly, fieryly wounded by the demons). And the Lord sovereignly and graciously delivered me from all the deceits and bitterness of evil spirits. And at Matins and Mass, by the grace of God, I served with a triumphant, victorious, joyful spirit: at the great entrance I said the royal name decently, “Remember everything first”; the prayer behind the pulpit - with the greatest freedom, dismissal - all, quietly, smoothly, unhurriedly, cheerfully, boldly. Glory to the Lord! (Touching with heartfelt faith the Holy Mysteries in the cathedral, on the pedestal, through the case - miraculously, powerfully saved me from demonic embitterment. Wonderful are Your Mysteries, Master!) 23. I thank the Lord, for I, initially a brother defeated by evil, was vouchsafed by the Lord to repent of my madness and malice and to defeat my brother’s evil with good. May the Lord always grant me to overcome evil with good. For if we respond to evil with evil, although only secretly, in our hearts, then instead of one evil there will always be two evils, instead of one sick person - two, instead of one insane person - two, and perhaps much more. “Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good,” says the holy Apostle [Rom.12:21]. Why are you trampling My land? My yards? Why do you breathe My airy balm, are illuminated and warmed by the rays of the sun, eat the fruits of the earth, why do you participate in My heavenly Sacraments, why are you united with the body of My Church, when you do not submit to Me and live according to the will of your vain and evil, depraved heart and are not corrected, not cleansed? God! Bear with us, according to Your kindness, more and more; lift up our hearts to repentance and have mercy on us. 23. Sunday. Evening, ten and a half o'clock. I thank the Lord for the countless, great blessings shown to me during the liturgy and especially after communion of the life-giving Mysteries, during the delivery of Metropolitan Gregory’s sermon on Sunday about the Prodigal Son. The Holy Mysteries revived me, deadened by sin and desperate, and all day long they were for me great spiritual strength and a strong shield from the arrows of the evil one, especially during the wedding of two marriages in front of a multitude of people: by the grace of God I married them loudly, without stumbling, evenly, heartily. Before the wedding, by the way, by faith I touched the ark in which the Holy Mysteries were hidden, as if to the Lord Himself, who rests in the Mysteries - and saving spirits touched my heart and healed it from ulcers inflicted by invisible enemies, and strengthened my soul, revived it. I marveled at the great wonder of the Lord’s intercession so quickly and His presence in the Holy Mysteries. I thank the Lord for the great mercy of peace, life, truth and freedom, granted to me after an intense prayer of faith and repentance before the Lord after a disagreement with the former Father Matthew (now Melchizedek), who came to Father Peter Klepachevsky. When explaining worship, preachers and teachers of the law lose sight, first of all, of showing the basis on which such a great connection between people and God rests: this connection is the image of God, according to which a person is his own to God, dear, close, friend, that is, living [righteously]. On this basis rests all worship, all the Sacraments; on this basis rests the greatest mystery of the incarnation of the Son of God, life between people, suffering, death, burial, resurrection, ascension, second coming and final judgment. (Read the parable of the prodigal son and the marriage of the king’s son.) Before performing the Sacrament of Marriage, I cried out to the Lord: Most Holy, Most Peaceful, Almighty Head of the Church, Lord Jesus Christ, help me to perform the Sacrament sincerely, peacefully, unwaveringly, to the glory of Your Holy Name, - and the Lord surprised me, a sinner, with His mercy: I performed sacred rites and prayers by His grace peacefully, sincerely, without stumbling. The former father Matthew (now Melchizedek) was completely spoiled by his wealth, distinctions, orders, constant success in all matters: he is still arrogant, arrogant, extremely unfair, insidious, deceitful, crafty, unscrupulous, with a corrupt, as they say, conscience (reproaches for the chairmanship of the trusteeship, reproaches for the alms of the townspeople, a tendency to curse), that everything was discovered yesterday in the apartment of Father Peter Klepachevsky, where I went to greet him with monasticism. God forbid to have communication with him: “Whoever touches the resin will be blackened” [Sir.13:1]. So yesterday I left them in embarrassment. But I thank the Lord, who soon had mercy on me through the prayer of faith and hope. I don’t praise myself regarding him either: I’m a sinner, too, with pride, unyielding, impatient, bold in my words, disrespectful to gray hair if it is proud and hard-hearted, unmerciful, love of money, although I myself am not alien to these passions to a certain extent; a glutton, cowardly, obsequious, not always sincere, sometimes also deceitful, evasive in some cases, fearful, often lazy and careless, grumbling in the face of failures and illnesses. But, the Lord sees, I recognize myself and my sins, by His grace, and weep for them. By His grace, I am often zealous for prayer and praise and shed burning tears for myself and for people. I am not zealous about the salvation of human souls entrusted to me by God, as well as my own, and I care more about foul and corruptible flesh and about self-interest, although I give alms. But grant me, Lord, to ardently care about the salvation of the souls redeemed by You, about their enlightenment, purification, and confirmation. 26. In you, man, the divine principle is a soul in the image and likeness of God: remember this every day and hour and live divinely, think about the divine, desire the divine, seek the divine, avoid the lusts of the flesh, friendship with the world, or with its corrupt customs. Despise the flesh - its beauty, portliness, harmony: it passes away and turns into pus; Always be diligent about the soul, the immortal thing. Flee in every possible way and constantly from sin, as the beginning of corruption and alienation from God. The beautiful female sex was created not for pleasure, not for enjoyment, but for childbearing, pleasing God and incorruptibility. Despise pleasure, which leads to corruption and separation from God, love spiritual pleasures, leading to communion with God, the Source of life. Despise the flesh and its pleasures. Don’t drink beer: it leads to strife and quarrels through the influence of the devil. 26. Today, just before Matins, during Matins and at the end of mass, I was exposed to extreme misfortune because of grief and anger at the beggars who stood at the corner of the fence and in the dark begging for alms then on the porch, and because of grief and anger at the careless sexton Polyglotov, who sang mass very quickly and carelessly in a hoarse voice. Everything went, by God’s grace, well, smoothly, but when he began to hurry with the singing before the consecration of the Gifts and after the consecration, where reverence and singing are needed slowly, I was upset with him, indignant, hostility and the devil’s malice were mixed in with the indignation: I was embarrassed, relaxed both in soul and body and could not say goodbye completely, I missed the holy Apostle Andrew the First-Called, St. John Chrysostom, the Monks Xenophon and Mary, the holy noble prince Alexander Nevsky, and at the funeral service he was embarrassed and oppressed by the enemy. Having repented, he received some peace; then he again became confused and inflamed by the enemy and struggled for a long time, standing before the Holy Mysteries. He condemned himself in untruth, in pride, in anger, in impatience; I confessed that I myself am the greatest sinner and the first to need leniency, that I must correct sinners with meekness and the spirit of love, that I must pray for them sincerely, and not execute them quickly, “for the anger of man does not create the righteousness of God” [James 1:20]; that I myself sinned most of all by allowing embarrassment and embitterment - and when? during the liturgy. “The Lord has finally had mercy.” I think that I am becoming more irritable from satiety: yesterday I ate meat cutlets at night. 27. Lord! Give me the grace not to be upset with my wife for her sins, but to pray with love for her, as for myself, when in repentance I turn my heartfelt eyes to You, and not to think or feel any evil towards her, not to harbor any evil desire. God! Purify my heart, that I may do Your commandments more purely. God! May I always betray to You myself, and my wife, and my nephew, whom they hate with great hatred. You are the Head and Foundation of Your Church, and we are all Your people. Amen. I thank the Lord, who yesterday gave me the grace to perform the Sacrament of Marriage without stumbling in front of a multitude of people; Only in the end, however, did the evil one knock my heart away from the foundation of truth and simplicity of faith and hope, and I did not read the last prayers and did not finish the release. To glorify the Most Pure Mother of God means to glorify Her Only Begotten Son Himself, our Lord Jesus Christ, the Son of God, with whom His Mother is eternally united, in whom He created a throne for Himself and rested in Her forever and ever with the Father and the Holy Spirit. Glory to Thee, Mary, Most Pure Bride of God. The all-evil and all-destructive sin that reigns in us, in all people, must be handled extremely wisely, sparing people and hating the sin in which they are carried away, often by force or by slander, by deception, by passion, in darkness and spiritual blindness or ignorance. The all-destructive poison of sin, the charm of sin, have infected all humanity since the time of Adam’s first crime, and, therefore, this malignant disease is very ancient, chronic, and against it the extraordinary powers of God are needed, namely: constant repentance, prayer, fasting, kneeling, tears, communion of the life-giving Mysteries of the Body and Blood of the Lord, for only by His blood is “the nature corrupted by sin” renewed ours” 62, and before that - with the water of Baptism and the Holy Spirit, and the anointing of the Holy Spirit, our sanctifier and strengthener. 27. I thank the Lord for the gift of the liturgy and for the communion of the most pure and life-giving Mysteries, for the granting of pardon and peace to me, a sinner, during the Liturgy and for the peaceful communion of the Holy Mysteries and the almost stumbling-free performance of the entire liturgy and requiem service. But at the entrance to the house, the devil, or the spirit of hostility, overcame me when my wife told the servant to take butter from us and spared a lot of cream for us, in favor of the guest [Tanya] Balykina: I was indignant, angry and scolded my wife, but she did not yield at all and attacked me with anger and insolence. I cursed her for her indignation and insolence. God! Have mercy on us by visiting our iniquities with the rod, especially my wife, for her insolence and handing her over to Satan for the destruction of the flesh, so that she may learn not to blaspheme; have mercy on her and on me, unworthy. “I repent to You, my Lord, of my intransigence: I should not have stood up for butter and cream, but kept silent, so that her greed, envy, and malice would freeze, and I would remain intact.” But now he’s not whole, but upset; and during mass I could not pray for the integrity of the Holy Synod and the archpastor, honesty, health, and long life. There would be no need for me to drink tea after early mass, for the Lord nourished me with His most pure Body and His most pure Blood. After lunch. I thank my Lord Jesus Christ for the greatest mercy that surpassed all previous mercies, namely: when I, after being very angry with my wife for her hatred of my nephew Ivan Vasilyevich Fidelin and after cursing her for greed, malice and envy, for which she snatched butter and cream from her hands so as not to give them to me and my nephew, I myself became very indignant and had an oppressed heart, sorrowful, sorrowful, and, in Being in such a position, I began to strongly repent before the Lord and beg His mercy to deliver us from evils and to plunge into the abyss of the merits of His godfathers - then, precisely for the sake of these merits of the Lord Jesus Christ before the Heavenly Father, I received deliverance from evils, peace, freedom, boldness, got rid of death and again perceived life, restoration and renewal of spirit and body and spent three classes well in the gymnasium in the first, fifth and fourth grades. Glory to the Lord! Having arrived home, I found my wife softened in heart and disposed towards me, which is what I prayed for. Glory to the faith of the Lord! Glory to Christian hope! I also accused myself before the Lord of greed, for there was a quarrel over butter and cream. I could and should have given up on them. Moreover, after early mass, I was indignant at such trifles! Infant passions in adulthood and in the priesthood! What does it look like? After Vespers and prayer to the mother in labor An. Viktorovna Kaznakova. While reading the prayers, I was afraid of something or ashamed (false shame and fear) of their nobility of Kaznakov himself, a simple and kind man, the mother of his wife and the mother in childbirth herself, and did not pronounce many expressions and endings of prayers and dismissal. That’s why there was extreme tightness and sorrow in my soul: I suffered and groaned. He came to church, fell before the Lord with warm prayer, venerated the ark with the Most Pure Body and Blood of Christ and - oh, a wondrous act of love for mankind and the power of God! – I was healed from sorrow and cramped conditions. Glory to the Lord, who brings me from death to life! 28. I thank the Lord, who had mercy on me, the accursed one, at night, when I, having risen after a fornication vision and brought repentance and prayer to God, received forgiveness from His mercy and bounty. Behold, the guardian of Israel neither slumbers nor sleeps [Ps.121:4]. - I praise the Lord. This sin occurred from an excess of sweet tea and from the fact that I slept in warm pantaloons. Reading a prayer to the maternity mother Kaznakova yesterday, I was embarrassed and did not say much. Oh, the humiliation of the dignity of the priesthood, the authority of the church, the truth of God and the oblivion of the omnipresence of God! He was ashamed and afraid of people in what one should not be ashamed and afraid of, but God, the omnipotent and omnipresent, all-good, all-holy and righteous, was not ashamed and not afraid. Oh, lack of faith! Oh, cowardice! In the future, do this when performing all the requirements, prayers, sacred rites, and the Sacraments: vividly imagine the presence of God, the greatness of God, His holiness, truth, love and mercy, and read your prayers with reverence and fear of God, with love and warmth of your heart, slowly, clearly, expressively, with the dignity and importance befitting a servant of God and the Church. Walk always in the presence of God and fear all sin, diligently doing all righteousness. And in order to always walk in the presence of God, one must enlighten the eyes of the heart through fasting, unceasing prayer, contemplation of God, reading the word of God and the writings of the holy fathers, and moving away from the vanity of life. A person with a always full belly is incapable of this. Always pray to the Lord to give you the grace and strength to hate every sin from your soul and to love every truth with all your soul and to fight in righteousness, especially to plant, grow and establish in your heart firm and unfeigned love for God and neighbor, who are in the image of God, and to eradicate sinful self-love, voluptuousness, love of money, love of things and ambition, because of which our life daily takes on an ungodly course from morning to evening and a purely pagan disposition: “Do not the pagans also do the same?... the pagans seek all this... your Father knows what you need before you ask Him” [Matthew 5:47, 6:32, 6:8]. 28. I thank the Lord for the unexpected early liturgy from the Semenovs in the cathedral (the second) and for its successful service and for the revival of the most pure Mysteries after communion. It’s only a pity that I missed the words “Grant also to Your Saints churches in peace, whole, honest, healthy, long-living”... The monk Father Barsanuphius taught me to joyfully accept unjust insults from my own people and from strangers and to pray to God for them. So be it. Regarding my grief at Metropolitan Isidore, he completely justified the bishop, but he did not justify me - and I completely agree with him. The Bishop, perhaps, wanted to test me by inspiration from above, or, what is more accurate, I, vile, was not worthy to be with him and trample his floor with my nasty feet - in general, I judge strictly myself, and not the archpastor, but I do not dare to contribute any reprehensible word. For who is he? And who am I? Father Barsanuphius gave me many hints and wonderful lessons, like a seer: namely about [virgins], who are deliberately chosen before the throne of God on Athos; about love for enemies, about our unworthiness before the archpastors, about thanksgiving to God when we are dishonored, reviled unrighteously, in the consciousness that we are worthy of it for our sins; By the example of one [...] priest, he showed that after the liturgy and communion of the Holy Mysteries one should not eat - which is really fair, for I am completely satiated with God's grace. 29. I thank my Lord, my Benefactor and Savior, who has now shown me His salvation many times, namely: during Matins, when I was embarrassed and upset at Father Peter, a fellow priest, who sat in a chair throughout Matins, and even during the Six Psalms; approaching him, I learned that he had not slept all night because of the wedding feast and could not stand. Then, when I venerated the throne many times in repentance, grief left me, and I read the canon solemnly; He also sang funeral hymns. Late mass was celebrated in the Duma Church without Deacon Poletaev, who had washed down with vodka. Having learned about his non-existence, he was very embarrassed and oppressed, according to the action of the devil; but through prayer and repentance he calmed down... He began mass - and it went well; at the litany of the catechumens, at the “go forth, catechumen”, at the special litany in many places he began to doubt and stumble; at the great entrance he said everything; “Remember first” is not everything, I missed “theirs also bestow”... before: “long-living”, during the preparatory litany he got lost and missed words; at the litany of thanksgiving for communion - also, I read the litany behind the pulpit well; leave said everything. Communion revived: tightness, heaviness, confusion in the heart - the whole mass, the enemy sat on the heart and oppressed it, could not free itself from it until communion. Oh, teller! Rapist! It’s not being done the way you want: I would like to serve peacefully, without temptation, without pressure - it’s not possible. There was a slight blockage in the stomach, the weather was cloudy and windy; The blizzard and the weather affected the mood. January 31st. Sunday. I thank the Lord for the grace of praise and prayer during the all-night vigil; for the gift of reprimanding dismissal at the first hour and forgiveness, addressed by me to those ahead, for the gift of serving the liturgy and revival by the Divine Mysteries (“Remember first, O Lord”... I did not speak out of the vain fear of the devil); I read the entire prayer behind the pulpit with boldness, and boldly said the entire dismissal. At the prayer service from Philip Stepanov, he did not finish the Gospel out of embarrassment. God! Let me know the flattery of sin and its destruction and not commit sin. Sin constantly flatters in order, under the guise of pleasure, to confuse, defile, disfigure, dishonor, humiliate me, bind me, deprive me of freedom and impose its iron bonds to darken and destroy me. O all-flattering and all-destroying sin! How long will you not die in me? How long will I myself nourish you within myself, giving you food - through my voluptuousness, ambition, greed, love of things? Glorious Ever-Virgin, Mother of Christ God! Grant me the virgin purity of my heart! May I always remember Your ever-virginity, may I cry over the loss of my virginity, and may I love virgin purity with all my heart, may I get rid of all impurity. Saints of God, help me to strive for holiness and achieve holiness, for it is the only thing needed. Amen. Until now I do not have a correct, evangelical view of persons and things: I forget their corruption, being seduced by beauty, brilliance, corruptible and decaying sweetness, which is too short-lived; I do not look at the end of carnal lusts, the end of which is corruption of soul and body, illness and death. Indeed, how perishable everything is and how everything passes from the earth to the earth! And the soul, which is in the image of the immortal and holy God, is immortal. God! You are infinite Beauty, reflected in all the beauty of visible and intelligible creatures. You shine in the beauty of a person - man and woman - and their beauty should be holy for yourself and for me; Your beauty is in the beauty of the sky and the earth, the sun, the moon and the stars; You are in the beauty of all animals, beasts, birds, insects; You are in the beauty of all trees and grains; You are in the beauty and benefit of all insects, in their webs, in their honeycombs, etc. How high is the service of a priest, how spiritual, holy, heavenly, how imbued with the spirit of love - Divine, fiery, universal love! And how little do I correspond with my heart, my soul, to this highest service! How low, earthly, passionate, sinful, cold, unclean in heart, proud, far from universal love, I am, so as to offer the Lord a fiery prayer for all people, like the apostles, Saints Basil, Gregory, John Chrysostom, or Saints Peter, Alexy, Jonah, Philip of Moscow, Demetrius of Rostov or St. Sergius Radonezhsky, Zosima and Savvaty Solovetsky, Nil Sorsky and others. What should I do? “I am not worthy to appear before the throne of the Lord of Glory.” But give me, O Lord, a pure heart for the sake of Your holy name, that I may ardently love You and the world You have redeemed, no, better yet, Your people, upon whom Your Holy name is inscribed, that I may ardently pray for them, that I may worry about them unceasingly, that I may guide them to eternal life. Mestnik (Church Slavic) – avenger, tormentor, enemy. Irmos of the 3rd song of the Great Penitential Canon of St. Andrew of Crete. Kontakion for the Feast of the Epiphany, tone 4. Prayer 1 of St. Basil the Great from the Sequence of Prayers for Holy Communion.