Август 1876 г.

August 1st. I thank the Lord for the safely completed grace of His early liturgy in the Assumption Church with an upset stomach (however, cleansed) and for the communion of the most pure, sweet, life-giving, terrible Divine Mysteries, for the unfailingly read prayer behind the pulpit, for the dismissal; for the word and for the meeting in favor of the Slavs, thirty-six silver rubles. I thank the Lord for His constant great blessings and strength in me, for deliverance from sins, for the consumption of sinful corruption and death in the soul, for the constantly repeating internal renewal, for the peace created in the soul, which I so often lost through internal or obvious sins, for there is no one more sinful and weaker than me, for deliverance from spiritual, devilish captivity and for the freedom granted. Oh, how much evil and weakness there is in me and how much tuna, by the Lord’s only mercy saves me! Today, during late mass, when meeting with the fathers, archpriests, co-celebrants Matthew and Paul, I allowed myself to be carried away for a minute or a second by feelings of hostility, envy, condemnation, contempt, but soon, wounded by this, I repented, condemned myself, and asked God for mercy, forgiveness, peace and freedom. I thank the Lord that He persuaded one wealthy woman to donate money for a chasuble with its accessories and for a deacon’s surplice with an orarion (sixty rubles); and one rich peasant - ten rubles. I hope that the Lord will also surprise His generosity in the parish trusteeship and will incline His servant Ilya Feodulovich Gromov to forgive us all the debt lying under trusteeship. August 3. I sinned before the Lord, the Mother of God, the Heavenly Powers, the Guardian Angel and all the saints, by tasting milk unnecessarily during the Dormition Fast and thereby strengthening the prodigal inclination of my accursed flesh. - Forgive me, Lord! God! Creating us in His image and likeness, which is in the soul, and not in the body! I am guilty, a sinner before Your Kingdom of truth and holiness, for I have only hypocritical, or often only hypocritical, love, and I do not love unseemly people (including my nephew, unseemly and crooked, although poor and helpless), but I turn away with my heart and eyes. Oh, how my heart is corrupted! Grant me, Lord, the strength to love unfeignedly! I ask this with all my heart. Grant me, Lord, not to have faith out of sight [James 2:1]! Cleanse my former sin, Lord! We must feel sorry for the poor, deprived of an eye, or both eyes, or hearing, or a leg, etc., and not turn away from them. O wicked flesh! She everywhere seeks pleasure for the eyes, ears, and flesh! O adulterous flesh! Oh, vile heart! August 5th. After the all-night vigil. I thank the Lord for the miracles of His mercy, power, and good obedience in me, a sinner, for with His life-giving and all-powerful right hand He consumed many times, destroyed sinful corruption and tightness in my heart, cut off from it the all-destructive sin of hostility and guile, ill-will and malice against my older brethren, whom I had an inclination in my heart to disparage, despise, not love. At every attempt, I repented to the Lord, condemned myself sincerely, and the Lord instantly saved me, giving me peace, freedom, life, strength, boldness. Glory to you, Lord, and shame on my face. May I reason with myself, may I condemn, may I guide myself on the path of truth, sincerity, love, and virtue. Let me never eat fish: fornication makes the insides more milky. And I ate perch tonight. August 6. Why is there fire and oppression in my chest? Firstly, from a long walk around St. Petersburg and from strong and prolonged inhalation of St. Petersburg air, secondly, from the use of honeycomb honey and fish (in vegetable oil) and excessive drinking of tea in muddy water and, thirdly, from the vagaries of scrofula due to the northern wind, unfavorable for it. (At five and a half o'clock in the morning.) At five o'clock in the evening. During early mass, I was extremely weak in soul and body: in the body there was tightness, burning sensation, nervousness, in the larynx there was voicelessness, a painful, rattling voice, in the soul there was despondency, sorrow, fear. It was with difficulty that I served early mass. Before the early mass, the Lord helped teach him to write and say something short at mass; He collected one hundred rubles for the benefit of the warring Slavs. Glory to the God of generosity and philanthropy! At [Kotugin's] christening, because of an imaginary good scarf, he was strongly slandered by an invisible adversary and could not defeat his machinations due to his addiction to silk scarves, but the scarf turned out to be linen. I have enough of all sorts. What else do I need? Give to your wife and the poor, especially send to your sisters in the village so that they give to the poor. Today, at the end of Matins, I was angry at Father Matthew with envy that, despite his wealth, he was hard-hearted and ambitious, something that should, out of love for his brother, the commandment of the Lord, be pitied and weep for as someone who is perishing and alien to the love of God. I felt cramped, shameful, awkward: I repented, condemned myself sincerely for the fact that I myself, having the means of living no less than him (although I squander them on helping my neighbors), envy him and even hate him, despise him. What insolence, ingratitude before God! What pride! What pride! How the enemy robbed me under the pretext of my brother’s lies! And why didn’t he show me my lies? What am I missing from the Lord? Nothing. I have countless gifts from Him. I violated love for my neighbor, I destroyed the commandment of the Lord, I destroyed the whole law through envy and enmity. I sinned against God. August 10. I thank the Lord for His ineffable mercy towards me - for serving the early liturgy, for reviving me, dead with my sins and transgressions, for speaking without stumbling, with a clear and sonorous voice, except for the words “them also grant to Thy Holy Churches”; for faith, boldness, hope, love, for prayer for the victory of the Slavs over the enemies of the Cross of Christ; about sick babies - glory to the Lord! (Sometimes I cannot remember the Right Reverend Metropolitan Isidore purely out of devilish delusion and, of course, out of my offended vanity and pride. I have sinned against the Lord and before the archpastor. My Lord! By your destinies, reconcile me with him, give me the grace and strength to love him with due love, to always honor him heartily; show him to me, Lord, merciful, meek, kind, benevolent, complacent, simple, instructive. Yes, I see him like the sun shining with his virtues in Your Church.) August 13. I thank the Lord for the gift of celebrating the Liturgy, for the life-giving communion of the Holy Mysteries, and for the great victories over sin won in the power of the strength of God. I stumbled again on Metropolitan Isidore. The sin of offended pride manifests its vitality in me, but it is good that it is revealed; you need to kill all passion in yourself, especially touchiness. The new man in Christ rejoices over every insult, dishonor, and burden of the old man, because bitterness humbles, depresses and kills him, and the old man grieves because they do not nourish, but kill him. And so may my soul rejoice over the insults, bitterness, and humiliation that happen to me from other, wicked people. Fasting, fasting, fasting is necessary for me and, I think, for everyone. I ate some pie last night, and only a little, and what a terrible itching happened throughout my whole body at night! I couldn’t sleep, tossing and turning from side to side and scratching different places on my body! August 14. It is worthy and righteous to thank the Lord with all my heart for the gracious, sovereign deliverance of me from my evil despondency and grave hostility towards my brother and father, Archpriest Paul, who stood with me in the Assumption Church at the all-night vigil. I repented, condemned myself, mourned my sin of dislike for the brethren because of their stinginess and lack of communication (especially Father Paul, archpriest, rector of the cathedral), and the Lord had mercy on me, giving me peace and boldness while standing in church. Glory to the good obedience, quick obedience, good behavior and good-will of our Lord Jesus Christ, our Advocate with the Father. Shame on us, especially me, for my anger, envy, pride, ill will, deceit, partiality, and my laziness. Always look in a person at that which is in the image and likeness, and not at flesh and blood, not at external beauty or ugliness, for this is a temporary shell, a temporary outline of the immortal spirit, this is a grass color that will soon fade. And we are partial and visual, voluptuous. But man is not amusement or sweetness, but a church of God, an image of the all-beautiful God, who created all beauty 33 . Oh, how good is the Lord, who created beautiful rational creatures - Angels and men, in the image of His indescribable beauty! Save, man, your beautiful soul from all ugliness and aphids of sin. August 15. Dormition of the Mother of God. I thank the Lord, who made me worthy to endure the temptation of extreme weakness during the liturgy from an upset stomach and to partake of the life-giving Divine Mysteries and to walk vigorously all day with the cross and holy water upon arrival. Collected [...]. 16. I thank the Lord, who granted me quick deliverance in the demonic flood from confusion, doubt and unbelief, and help in serving with peace and boldness. There is no higher authority than the authority of the Church; and the clergy must always hold this authority high, without lowering it in any way - neither by embarrassment and timidity in serving services, nor in free conversations and the like. The priest or the deacon and the cleric must fear the One God, and no one else, not the king himself - only he must have a clear conscience. 17. I thank the Lord, who has given me the grace of purification, sanctification, peace, revitalization, freedom, boldness through the communion of the life-giving Mysteries at the liturgy, and the strength to perform a prayer service before the start of studies in the gymnasium. I thank the Lord, who has given me the grace to perform baptism in the pre-church with great boldness and freedom. 13. I thank the Lord, who created in me a wonderful victory over sins and the devil, who operated through my unclean heart; I thank the Lord, who has wrought wondrous miracles in me through His holy, pure, life-giving and terrible Mysteries. (The Lord's name and being are inseparable.) Send twenty-three rubles by mail to Zheverzheev. It is bad to drink milk at night: I almost became fornicated from a nightly, unclean dream: the unclean spirit in the form of a virgin was extremely intensified to lie with me. I thank the Lord for giving me a chance to wake up on time. Never drink milk at night. I thank the Lord, who gave me the grace to pronounce the names of the kings at the great entrance, then an exclamation after the commemoration of all the saints, dead and living; “First of all, remember, Lord... the Holy Synod and Metropolitan Isidore, whom grant to your holy churches” and release all. August 13. Holy Martyr Andrew Stratilates. I thank the Lord, who granted me great deliverance through the prayer of repentance: during Matins, at the very beginning, I was overcome by demonic sadness about the frequent presence of my sister-in-law’s bread in my apartment and about the extra expenses on the table: the serpent’s sting scorched me mercilessly, confused, oppressed, and darkened me. But when I realized my sin, my greed, envy and condemned myself sincerely, surrendering myself, each other and my whole life to Christ our God, the Lord immediately had mercy on me, giving peace to my soul. He served all Matins with great boldness, a peaceful, cheerful, triumphant spirit. Glory to the mercy of the Lord! Glory to His power! In the evening. I thank the Lord, who worked in me during the Liturgy miracles of His goodness and power in reviving me, dead in sins, in giving vigor and strength to me, the weakest, in a wonderful revival and renewal after communion of the Holy Mysteries, in reprimanding all cries and prayers. I thank the Lord, who tamed the storm of my sins, with which I was carried away before Vespers at home and during Vespers in church: at home because of my sister-in-law Anna Konstantinovna and her playful, rowdy children, whom she did not want to appease, as if to spite me; in the church because of sexton Zrelov, who was somewhat drunk. A prayer of sincere repentance and self-condemnation brought the Lord to his mercy, and I was healed of my mental illness. I said: Lord, have mercy and save me, I know my guilt, I myself have sinned more than all of them, not maintaining meekness and gentleness, but becoming embittered towards them and thereby becoming like the devil; I myself became like an evil spirit, having offended Your Holy and Most Good Spirit. I should have been patient with love and covered their sins, but meanwhile I acted harshly and hostilely. Forgive, heal, cleanse, Lord! And after that I was healed. Glory to the Lord! (I was visiting Zakhar Ivanovich: I ate apples and watermelon for health, good cheesecake, carrot pie; I drank tea. I thank the Lord for the love of my spiritual children for me. Save them, Lord!) I thank the Lord, who wonderfully changed my hostile feelings into meek and loving ones, as well as the feelings of my family and the reader Vladimir. This is due to the prayer of repentance. How much can sincere prayer do! August 20. Glory to the power of the Lord! Glory to the mercy of the Lord, for He did wonderful things in me during the Liturgy. When I was extremely exhausted in spirit and body from exhaustion of strength and when I cried out to the Lord for help, then He immediately, miraculously sent His help from heaven: I was strengthened by His grace and, which had not happened for a long time, firmly pronounced the names of the royal persons at the great entrance of the liturgy and completed it all without stumbling to the end, and when the invisible enemy agitated me just before communion with an evil and vain thought passionate that I in vain gave the sexton Zrelov sixty kopecks out of two rubles, as if he had already been given the same amount from the merchant Katagonov (his wife was introduced), I rejected this tempting, selfish thought from my heart, considered it a devilish obsession, surrendered entirely to the Lord - and I was saved, partook of the Holy Mysteries in peace and again came to life wonderfully, divinely, and the end triumphed in the Lord over the enemy. God bless! August 21. Saturday. I thank the Lord for His greatest help to me in the service of Matins, although I was unworthy of it due to my gluttony. It’s hard for me from yesterday’s treat at A.T. Sorokin’s with wine, tea, caviar and sardines. Fornication wars in the loins, and oppression oppresses the soul. What a great benefit is abstinence! But even having experienced harm from intemperance, I still love to visit and treat myself. O glutton! Idolater. August 22. I thank the Lord for His strength, which was revealed in me during the service of the Liturgy yesterday, especially in those moments when I thought about my debt for a good sacron: and where will I get the money to pay the debt - ten rubles, for I felt sorry for my own, although I received everything from the Lord. There was confusion, fear and tightness in my heart. But, placing all my hope in God and His mercy, I got rid of all evils and calmed down, performing the mass without stumbling, as well as the requiem and prayer service. Having received communion, he was miraculously revived by the fire of the Divine. Praise the Lord. When we turn to the world, sin invades every day and hourly into all [the windows] of our house not made by hands, that is, the body, especially through sight, and we sin, willy-nilly, incessantly; The Church, in its place of worship - in the church, therefore took care to arrange everything so that everything would edify, everything would contain souls in due fear and reverence, everything would tell the mind and heart that we stand not in the world, although we are still among the world, but as if in heaven, before the face of the Lord, His Most Pure Mother, the holy Angels and saints. And for this, the greatest thanks to God, who made the holy apostles and holy fathers wise to build churches so wisely and splendidly, most heavenly... In the church they place images of such persons, objects, such events that the Church remembers, calls and celebrates both daily, weekly and every year, or even at certain hours of each day: the face of the Lord, the Mother of God, the Last Supper, the Annunciation of the Incarnation of the Son of God, the image of the life-giving cross, the removal from the cross and the placing in the grave of the most pure body of the Lord (antimins), images of the events of the twelve feasts, the faces of the Forerunner, the apostles, saints, martyrs, saints and generally saints, glorified by godlike virtues, who adorned and established the Church with their writings and their lives and left us with a wonderful example of faith, hope and Christian love, in general the greatest benefactors of humanity. Oh, how quickly and how often my soul dies of sins! The night has passed after evening prayer, and it is no longer the same as it was yesterday: the heart has already weakened, and there is no fervor, faith and love for God in it - it must be aroused by fervent prayer; at night the soul dies with the body at rest, especially on a soft, restful bed. And during the day, how many times does he die from thoughts, desires, from words, from eyes, from hearing, from food and drink, from dealing with different people, from various temptations! No number! August 24. Tuesday. I slept with my hair braided after the bath; the itching is severe from braided hair, the heart is rough and cold. Oh, I am a vain man! Oh, glutton, God forbid! I should not eat meat, pies with meat and indigenous fish, not with whitefish and perches, but with light fish. Meat kept me awake at night, and I ate meat at dinner. Meat induces laziness, relaxation and petrification of the heart, negligence. When explaining the divine service, they often explain that we are all members of the great, holy, spiritual Kingdom of Christ, members of Christ and each other, that we must pray for each other sincerely, diligently, because the good of our neighbor is also our good, this is especially indicated when pronouncing the litanies. Showing a close connection with living members of the Church, point out the same with the holy inhabitants of heaven and saints of God and with the dead, whose souls are alive even after death and hunger for our prayers for them, like a cool drink. Not “the dead will praise Thee, O Lord... but we are the living” [Ps. 113:25–26], we pray to Thee and offer prayers and sacrifices for their souls. August 30. I thank and extol the Lord, who showed great mercy in me during the early liturgy in the Assumption Church (in the Duma): through the prayer of repentance, He revived me, killed by the sin of anger and hostility towards the beggar, at whom I shouted in annoyance; the weak, he healed me, the faint-hearted, he gave me boldness, the dumb - a clear voice, and after communion he vouchsafed me the greatest mercy - he appeared in me as a life-giving fire, instantly burning the thorns of passions, he cleansed, sanctified, healed everything in my soul and body. I thank the Lord, who accepted my repentance and had mercy on me, who was in great sorrow and distress, after I was angry with my sexton at three o’clock in the afternoon and called him, who was absent, in the eyes of his wife Anna Yakovlevna, crazy, and tore out the beggars by the hair for asking for alms. In the officer’s apartment at the christening, in the house of Yakov Murashov, through a prayer of repentance, I received perfect mercy from the Lord and glorified Him with boldness while reading prayers. Glory to the Living God, always ready to save. Lord, save, like me, all the Slavs and from the yoke of the devil, from the yoke of the Turks, deliver them, to the glory of Your name, to the joy of all Your faithful. Before each service, write its contents in a brief overview; then explain, convey the content of the most important moments and sacred songs, stichera, canons (irmos), troparions; akathists. August 31st. I thank the Lord, who renewed His mercy in me this day and sovereignly delivered me through the prayer of repentance from the sorrow and crampedness of sin in Anna Konstantinovna’s apartment, on Vasilievsky Island in St. Petersburg, in the morning, when I was indignant at Father Nikolai [Devitsyn] for his late arrival for matins (an hour and a half after the bell rang), and at my wife Elisaveta Konstantinovna for a reluctant response to my question or demand. “The Lord is near... to all who call on Him in truth” [Ps. 145:18]. Go to the merchant Ilya Feodulovich Gromov with a letter and prosphyra - soon. I'd rather talk to Andrey Al.Petrov. And write me a letter. In God is all beauty, all sweetness, all bliss, all wealth, all power, all good. Mentally take away from creatures everything that is good, beautiful, wise, most pure, sweet, strong and take it to Christ with His Father and the Holy Spirit - and then at least partially know how good, beautiful, wise, most pure, sweet, omnipotent the Lord our God is! O infinite goodness! O grace, beauty, wisdom, endless power! Glory to You! Thanks be to You! I thank the Lord, who made me worthy to celebrate yesterday, September 2, the early Divine Liturgy and who showed great power in me in delivering me from the corruption and weakness of sin, in cleansing, sanctifying, and revitalizing my dead being. Thank you also for the gift of health and boldness in ministry. The Lord dwells in us with His delightful grace only by expelling carnal sweetness from the belly and from the heart through our repentance. When the grace of the Holy Spirit dwells in the heart, carnal sweetness fades and disappears: both of them cannot live together; one irritates, the other pacifies. Lepota (church glory) – beauty, power.