Июнь 1877 г.

June 23. Is it not because evil grows and expands that we ourselves are great masters of strengthening and inflating it, paying evil for evil, puffing ourselves up with evil, thinking evil against our neighbors, taking revenge for evil? Oh, that we would always follow the word of our Savior: “Do not resist evil. But whoever strikes you on your right cheek, turn the other also to him; and whoever wants to sue you and take your shirt, give him your outer garment too” [Matthew 5:39–40]. Teach us, Lord, to do Your good and pleasing and perfect will in everything and to reject our evil habits and corrupt customs. Glorifying or calling on the name of the Lord, the name of the Lady Theotokos, we must always glorify or call upon us sincerely, reverently, with a pure heart and lips, so that the Lord may condescend to us for prayer or sincere praise, the Most Pure One will descend to us, and so that the Lord will give us through faith and zeal. Also, calling and glorifying the holy saints of God, we must call and glorify them with all our hearts, with the ardor of our souls, in order to thus approach them, bring them closer to ourselves and, if possible, become like them, for then they are with us and for us when we call on them and call with a pure heart, and offer our prayers to God. Likewise, when praying for living people and for the dead, one must pray with fervor of the soul; Through this fervor, we ourselves draw closer to them, which is very important, we bring them closer to ourselves, and God draws closer to us, to Whom love is pleasant, the unity of love is pleasant. This is what [is] especially powerful about public prayer, public worship - the unity of our love among ourselves and the unity of the love of the saints with us, their common intercession for us before God and our common intercession for each other. For this, glory and thanksgiving to the Lord our God, who was so well pleased in His Holy Church, glory to His love for mankind! I believe in the communion of saints. I thank the Lord, who quickly listened to me yesterday during the all-night vigil, when in repentance I fell to the throne of grace in the oppression of sin and received forgiveness, permission, healing of my sins and transgressions. June 23. I praise the grace and mercy of the Lord. Today I came to the all-night vigil and felt a heaviness in my sides from eating too much food (albeit a very small amount). Added to this was a new misfortune: a woman came to church, who seemed unfriendly and proud to me when she met me, although she, it seems, is not like that in reality. The spirit of malice instilled in me a feeling of hostility towards her and thereby extremely wounded and killed my soul. I immediately began to repent internally, condemn, accuse, reproach myself for this absurdity, asked the Lord for a spirit of meekness, humility, love; I admitted that what was suggested to me was the slander of the enemy, that this woman must be a very good, God-fearing woman (as indeed she is), that the disembodied enemy instilled malice towards her in my heart, and the Lord, seeing my repentance, had mercy on me, delivering me from tightness, sorrow, weakness, darkness, relaxation of the soul, and I became peaceful, free, spacious, bold and magnificently by God’s grace sang and read the all-night vigil in the cathedral. Glory to the Lord! June 24. After early mass on the day of the Nativity of the Forerunner of the Lord. Here's a porter for you, here's Eliseevsky sherry (three glasses), here's black caviar with white bread, here's strong sweet tea with lemon, here's oranges for you, here's gorging and drunkenness on the eve of the day of the great faster and righteous John the Baptist! You are deservedly punished today by God’s abandonment, for God left you for a while by His grace, and you were extremely confused, weakened, demonic fear attacked you, spiritual death befell you, you experienced oppression and shame during the liturgy. And how nice it would be if yesterday after the all-night vigil I had not eaten or drunk anything, having drunk tea for pleasure before the all-night vigil. After all, I felt full after lunch (pie, pies, salted fish, sturgeon, oranges) and realized that there was no need to eat more that day. Why else did I eat and drink, and not once, but twice (at home at eleven o’clock I ate ruff fish soup with black bread). That’s why I couldn’t sleep at night, the cramped conditions were bursting at my sides, at three o’clock I got up the next morning and went out for a walk around the yard; I walked for an hour. Then he came home and went to bed. I was late for mass, they sent for me. During mass, he was embarrassed, cramped and afraid. At the great entrance he did not say what he should have said; “Take, eat” got lost, didn’t say enough, “Remember first, Lord” too. Communion of the Holy Mysteries greatly enlivened me. At the funeral service, he cried about his weakness and violence by the enemy - by this he bowed to the Lord for mercy and help. In the gymnasium, the Lord saved me from indecent, unclean feelings that tormented me in the second grade. At four o'clock a prayer service was served in Maria Arsenyevna's apartment with God's help with feeling, boldness, and unfailingly. In the evening I felt lethargic, despondent, killed for the sake of gluttony, for the sake of indecent feelings that tormented me for satiety, eating cream on a fast day and for savory crackers. Again I did something very crazy: having been full last night, I ate the fresh fish that my wife slipped me, and thus made myself extremely burdened for the night, as a result of which my sides were bursting. How long will I be doing children's things? How long to overeat? Get drunk? Because I sometimes drink wine immoderately. Long-suffering Lord! Have mercy on me. April 7. Thursday. Remember the warning of the Lord Savior, who said: “Take heed to yourselves, lest your hearts be weighed down with gluttony and drunkenness and the cares of this life, and lest that day come upon you suddenly” [Luke 21:34]. April 8. Friday. The gluttony and satiety of yesterday and the third day completely suppressed my soul: yesterday, before today’s early mass at Father Peter Klepachevsky’s, I ate herring, cheese with black bread, drank tea (two glasses) with cream, ate apples, oranges, and today at early mass I was in extreme poverty, the bodiless enemy nested in me, oppressed me, overthrew me, overpowered me while saying prayers and exclamations and did not let me say what I should have said. It was woe to my soul. The small prosphoras outraged me, although for me, in fact, small ones are necessary, because I am satiated. However, I hardly eat them - others need to be given, and little antidora comes from a tiny prosphora - there is nothing to give to the people! Through Communion the Lord revived me. Glory to Thee, Lord! Glory to You, long-suffering and abundantly merciful! I didn’t pronounce the royal family name, I didn’t pronounce their grant, etc., not all release. But pretty good. There is a thing in the world that is treasured, dearer than the entire visible world, and which, however, is least paid attention to, which is valued least of all, which is pushed around most of all, for which the world was created with its wondrous structure and order, with all the wealth and beauty, for which the Creator Himself took on flesh and came to seek and save it, for which revelations, prophecies, prototypes, for which the Holy Scriptures and the Holy Tradition, for which the Church, worship, hierarchy, decrees and laws, the Sacraments, for which are all the treasures of love, goodness, wisdom, omnipotence, holiness and truth of God. What kind of thing is this or what kind of creature is this? This is the human soul. People pay the least attention to her, her salvation, for she perishes every day in various sins, which Belial planted in her; people neglect and do not value it, they destroy it every day through addiction to the local perishable goods. The Lord, the apostles, hierarchs, martyrs, saints and all the saints, through their deeds and words, taught and teach us to “despise the flesh, but be diligent about the soul, the immortal thing” 75. All malice, envy, all deceit, all the power of the devil is directed at this soul in order to destroy it, and people themselves sometimes strain all their strength, abilities and means, material and spiritual, to destroy it; This soul and its cherished truth, holiness, faith, hope, love, virtue, freedom, immortality, are often subject to contempt and persecution to the extreme, until the end of life; Man himself betrays this immortal, incorruptible bride of God to the devil for worldly gross pleasures, for pieces of silver, for fleeting honors, or brother betrays brother, sister for unimportant benefits, for insignificant things, for seductive moments of animal pleasure, depriving each other of God’s mercy and eternal life and plunging each other into endless torment. O miserable man because of himself! O ill-fated man because of himself! How long until you come to your senses? How long will you not cleave to God with all your heart? How long will you not repent with tearful, deep, irrevocable repentance? April 9. I thank the Lord for his gracious help during the celebration of the Sacrament of Baptism in Bragina’s wing. The Holy Fathers sincerely composed prayers with the Holy Spirit, why do we often, often insincerely pray, having them in our mouths? And what wonderful prayers! How do they truly depict the entire inner life of a person, all his internal states, all sinfulness, all corruption, all weakness, all helplessness, if a person does not sincerely turn to God? How beautifully they teach us to repent, to thank God for His countless mercies, to praise Him for His Divine perfections, to ask Him for various needs! Let us follow them sincerely, and sometimes we ourselves, moved by the Spirit of grace, will sing our own brief doxology and thanksgiving, for “the manifestation of the Spirit is given to everyone for the benefit” [1 Cor. 12:7]. April 10. I thank the Lord, who gave me, unworthy and indecent, the grace of tenderness and tears at the all-night service, with sublime thoughts and feelings. “The Spirit breathes where it wishes, and you hear its voice, but you do not know where it comes from or where it goes” [John 3:8]. Glory to the breath of the Holy Spirit - powerful, life-giving, sanctifying, cleansing the soul and body, omnipotent, wise, enlightening. And me, the indecent one, is honored by the All-Holy Spirit of the Father with His wonderful, life-giving breath, by the grace of my Lord Jesus Christ. Incense incense is a symbol of this grace of the Holy Spirit, for just as incense drives away the stench, spreads a pleasant fragrance in the air and imparts this fragrance to those present, so the grace of the Holy Spirit drives away the stench of sin from believers, imparts to them the spirit of prayer, enlightenment, repentance, tenderness and the fragrance of the holy. Oh, may the grace of the Holy Spirit always embrace everyone, no matter who comes to church, and may it revive everyone abundantly, may it penetrate into the homes of pious Christians, may it accompany them everywhere, for “the Spirit breathes where it wants.” But after the grace of tenderness, peace, freedom and spiritual space, yesterday, through the envy of the enemy and due to my impatience and cowardice, I was subjected to extreme temptation after one village woman calmly pushed me back, not paying attention to it, and, as if on purpose, slowly attached children to the Gospel (three); I became embittered with her, pampered by inaction, laziness and pleasures and a spacious and comfortable home, and now instead of tenderness, peace, freedom, I felt in myself death, crampedness, sorrow, darkness, captivity, captivity, shame and for a long, long time I repented to the Lord, but in a certain powerlessness of the soul, not being able to suddenly sincerely condemn myself for the sin I had committed and to hate anger, or myself, for allowing For no reason at all, I hated her in the soul of a person and despised her. Also, until the end, or almost until the end of the all-night vigil, I was struck in the heart (paralyzed). Oh, how viciously the devil breathes wherever he wants, by the permission of God and by our sinfulness, and you hear his voice, deadening the soul. Through the prayers of Your Most Pure and Most Blessed Mother and all the saints, Lord, save us from the snares of the enemy. Our litanies, especially the great, petitionary and small ones, were wonderfully and wisely compiled by the Church and introduced into [everyday] use; they pour true meaning and wondrous consolation and enlightenment into the souls of those who contemplate; they remind us of our high church, heavenly, spiritual membership and pour into our souls a wonderful, unshakable hope in the mercy of God, in the care of the Head of the Church of the Lord Jesus Christ for us. The Church instills in us with these litanies: “Cast all your cares on Him, for He cares for you” [1 Peter 5:7]. Christ God, glory to You! The quick, heartless reading of the deacons in our churches does very little to ensure that the psalms, proverbs, prayers and other readings reach the heart and penetrate it, “passing to the dividing of soul and spirit, members and brains, and judging the thoughts and thoughts of the heart” [Heb. 4:12]; Our hasty, insincere, absent-minded prayer at home also produces the same effect: it does not nourish, does not heal, does not enlighten, does not affirm, does not touch, does not transform us. God! Give us some sense. Praying before the image of the Lady, the saints of God were honored to see the prototype, that is, the Lady Herself. So, pray to the icons, imagining those depicted on them, and be filled with faith, hope and love for them. A terrible time is coming when the Creator Himself of heaven and earth and all angelic powers will come to judge the whole world, when He will transform heaven and earth and create everything new: “Behold, I am making everything new” [Rev. 21:5]; when the earth and the works on it will burn, when the sky will be rolled up like a scroll, when the stars will fall from the sky and all the powers of heaven will be shaken. Oh, be my soul ready every day and hour to appear at this judgment, which is unknown exactly when it will come, but will certainly come. God! From me, who is indecent, create a useful vessel; To you, the all-good and all-powerful, everything is possible. Destroy in me, Lord, all the work of the devil, the work of wickedness, delusion, idolatry, abomination, self-love, pride, malice, envy, fornication, laziness, negligence, waywardness, rebellion, gluttony, drunkenness, love of money, covetousness, partiality, man-pleasing, false shame and false fear and fear, cowardice, despondency, grumbling, impatience, blasphemy, lies, slander, slander, cursing, condemnation, cursing, ill will, malevolence, gloating, vanity, self-praise, self-conceit, self-apology, disrespect of equals and elders in years and dignity. April 10. Resurrection. I thank the Lord, who has deigned me, an indecent one, to perform the liturgy, to deliver my discourse on the liturgy and to partake of the life-giving, heavenly Mysteries and to perform a prayer service in gratitude to the Lord for the work of caring for the poor. He served Mass with great weakness of spirit and body (his stomach was upset, his nerves were weak; the deacon finished the Gospel extremely loudly - this upset me extremely, I reprimanded him). Grace left me, and rightly so, for gluttony. How many times did I want not to eat the day before the Liturgy, especially on holidays, and I never kept my word, dreaming that without eating I would become weak, and it always turned out that food weakened my spirit extremely and gave place to Belial in me. Today I was elected chairman of the trusteeship. Grant, Lord, for the benefit of Your poor. Bless from above our deeds, O Lord, in Thy name and for the glory of Thy name [undertaken] and done. You weigh my weakness, Lord, You help me, may Your strength be perfect in my weakness. I thank You, Lord, for the people of reason, conscience and action whom You sent to help me. Vespers was a great grief for me because of the terrible temptations of ethereal enemies, who cunningly took the pretext to destroy me from my nephew Ivan, towards whom he put hatred and contempt in me for his mere ugliness and crookedness, for which he was not at all to blame; and how terribly he tormented me with this unrighteous hatred: I could not speak the litanies at Vespers and dismissals, I was completely weakened, exhausted, bound, embarrassed, oppressed, ashamed. I jumped up and crashed like a fish on ice, like a bird in a cage caught by the hand of a bird catcher. From the bottom of my heart I condemned myself, I recognized my guilt, my partiality, my pride, my lust, my pride, my untruth. For a long time I mourned myself, the delusions of my heart, my corruption. And the Lord, having punished me righteously, heeded my cry and had mercy on me, sending me His salvation. Previously, when the temptation was extremely acute, swift, disastrous, I grumbled, spoke boldly before the Lord and to the Lord, forgetting that I myself was entirely to blame for eating a hearty meal at home after communion of the Holy Mysteries and then going to bed. It was after a hearty, tasty dinner and after sleep that I relaxed in spirit and became extremely accessible to the devil. God! Forgive my great sins: my cowardice, grumbling, insolence, gluttony, gluttony, wine drinking, hatred, pride, envy. My nephew Ivan, I think, is one of those about whom the Lord speaks through the prophet: “On whom will I look but the meek and silent and trembling at My words” [Is. 66:2]. For my nephew really is like that. That is why the devil persecutes him strongly through me and through my wife and sister-in-law and through others. God! I know the demonic charm in which I am involved, forgive and grant me to love everyone unfeignedly. Lord, let them go, they don’t know what they are doing. Membership, membership of the Church grant, Lord, to remember the image of God, the common grace of baptism and confirmation, communion of the Holy Sacraments, repentance, the future Kingdom and the fact that we are all children of one Father, and among ourselves are brethren, we all have one Holy Spirit, we all have one faith and one worship. Let us not rise above each other, let us not despise our brethren, let us love them as we would ourselves, let us be kind to them as we would ourselves, let us love our enemies as if they were sick, as if they were deluded, not knowing what they were doing. On the day of Radonitsa (Tuesday, April 14) I was at the Neustroevs’, had a snack, drank wine, and far from it, I had a headache. I took a long walk to the cemetery on foot back and forth, and my head kept hurting; Finally, at night I lost my mind, and soon the headache stopped, I fell asleep well. The next day, the early service apparently went well, because without a hitch, like clockwork. But internally is it so? Is it God's way? April 11. He sinned before the Lord and his neighbors - he became upset with the beggars (eighteen people stood at the fence of the church house in the morning), cursed them and angrily sent them to hell in bitterness. O scoundrel, selfish, money-loving, nasty, impatient, evil, vain, envious. To whom did you send those created in the image and likeness and redeemed by the priceless blood of Christ God? Have you considered what you said? What insolence have you committed against God and people and Angels? I repent, Lord, and by Your grace I recognize and feel the weight of my sin, and I shed tears, and for this I am honored with Your peace and forgiveness at this hour. Glory to You! And before this there was great distress and sorrow. And he sinned against his nephew, shouting at him in anger that he had lit the lamp poorly. Alas for me that I have lost true love according to God and have given [...] self-love, love of the flesh, carnality, lust, partiality, covetousness, ambition, love of money! That this is true is evident from my confusion when performing public prayers, in which one must pray with love for the living and dead members of the Church. Oh, my heart, corrupted in my youth by all sorts of lewdness! Having come to seek the lost, Lord, save me. Only in the mortification of the body will I sing a victorious song to You, Lord! To nourish and strengthen the flesh means to nourish, to cherish sin, to feed one’s worst and all-pernicious enemy, the flattering, closest one, always inseparable day and night. Mortify the flesh and with it sin and the devil. April 11. I thank the Lord, who has given me victory over invisible enemies and the grace to perform Matins with great zeal. (Temptation: he was jealous in indignation at Father Peter Klepachevsky for coming late to Matins, neglecting the service, arriving late. He performs it well, thank God!) The temptation is acute, severe! Overcame by grace. I thank the Lord, who strengthened me to perform the late liturgy, to overcome demonic fears, to pronounce everything in order and the very dismissal, although just before the dismissal the enemy deposed me; I thank the Lord, who strengthened me during the prayer service after Matins and two requiem masses after mass. He took communion into the world and life. He sinned by despising and hating his nephew for his special greed, to which he himself is no stranger. Have mercy on us, Lord! Get rid of the smell of anger. April 11. How terribly my satiated, over-sweetened flesh rages! I saw a beggar peasant in the yard, a young guy asking me for money for the journey, a ruble or more; I was furious with him because, having received the ruble, he began to ask for more, and I kicked him in the ass in a rage, shouting at him. Meanwhile, having come to my senses afterward, I remembered that I also have money for the poor. I sinned against the Lord and before people. And in five minutes I promised the Lord in repentance not to be angry with anyone for anything. Oh, damned sinner I am! And all because of covetousness and addiction to one’s flesh and to this vain life, like a passing dream! Where is the selflessness? Where is the carrying of the cross? Where is the mercy and mercy? I don't see him. I thank the Lord for the gift of the stumbling-free service of Vespers and for overcoming the greatest temptations of the devil’s evil in me. Give me, Lord, the grace not to be suspicious, but to be simple, kind, happy with everything and everyone, selfless, not selfish, not selfish, not lustful. Then I will be peaceful, cheerful, happy. And now I can’t resist the temptations of the adversary, who daily and hourly incite me to anger, envy, lust, carnal impurity, love of money, love of glory, despondency, discontent, and melancholy. April 12. I suffer extremely from the heaviness of my flesh due to intemperance in food. Especially through eating meat and fish, but I still continue to eat meat and fish at night, sometimes something else. Grant me, Lord, to fast unceasingly, so that I may maintain chastity, and may show my whole soul to You. Wake up! Yes, finally, “how it is fitting to live in the house of God, for the Church of God is alive, the pillar and foundation of the truth” [1 Tim. 3:15], and how it is appropriate for you to live and speak before the face of God, the Mother of God, the holy Angels, the holy saints of God, the forefathers, prophets, apostles, hierarchs, martyrs, saints and all saints. The Church consists of saints with Christ as their Head, and therefore we daily [remember] and glorify, asking in the prayers of God’s holy saints to be intercessors for us. We, the members of the Church of God, help each other. In God and the Lord Jesus Christ, I am satisfied with everything and do not grumble against anyone, or not: grant me this, Lord, so that I can be content and not grumble against anyone, not have the devil’s malice against anyone. You are my contentment, You, Lord, are my completeness. Amen. You are the Judge of all, not allowing anyone to go completely crazy, but wonderfully admonishing all the proud through their own deeds. If the Lord is our completeness, then what else is not enough for me? Why am I worried, what am I looking for from people who seem to deprive me of much? The Lord shepherds me, and I am not lacking in anything. Try in this life, day and night, by all means to avoid the bitterness of sins and passions, to be filled with the sweetness of the virtue of love, so that in this way you will be able to taste the endless sweetness of the future life, future incorruptible blessings. God! Grant me to love even my enemies and ill-wishers, for love is the great, eternal wealth of the soul, great power. Take away from me the evil hostility towards the rector of our church, Archpriest Pavel, who is disingenuous with us in other cases. Grant not to be jealous of “the wicked, nor to envy those who do iniquity... the wicked will be consumed” [Ps. 37:1, 9]. I suffered terrible slander from ethereal villains today during Matins while reading the prayers in the Service Book at Matins during the Great Litany, petitionary, partly suspenseful, etc., and, as I understand, quite rightly so. From yesterday's satiation with veal jelly with the addition of a glass of milk after. Serves the thief right with flour. But I thank the Lord for His greatest powers, revealed in me, with them I broke the power of the incorporeal enemies, crushed their stings with His grace. I won't have lunch today. April 12 after Matins. April 12. Evening, ten o'clock. I thank the Lord for the safely and victoriously celebrated liturgy in the face of many fiery slander of the devil; I thank the Lord for my revival through the communion of the Divine Mysteries. I thank the Lord, who performed in me a miracle of enlightenment, strength and divine revival during Vespers under the fiery slander of Satan, who aroused in me evil indignation against the rector, Father Paul, for his neglect and neglect of the benefits of the brethren of the cathedral and the observation only of his own benefits. He went alone to Korguev’s funeral services, persuading him, through his cunning known to everyone, not to invite the brethren. But the Lord, by His grace, conquered in me the burning hostility towards the abbot, imparting to me such wisdom of the Spirit: My Lord is for me the fullness of all blessings, the all-sufficient good, He is my endless belly, my inexhaustible treasure, my food is strong, my drink is inexhaustible, my clothes are light, beautiful, incorruptible, my beauty is endless, incorruptible, my peace, my freedom, my spaciousness, sing trustee, doctor, redeemer. With Him I am full of all blessings, without Him and with the multitude of all material blessings I am poor, poor, naked, pitiful, dead. “What do we have for heaven? and what do you want from the earth? My heart and my flesh are gone, O God of my heart, and my portion, O God, forever” [Ps. 72:25–26]. Glory to Thee, Lord! At the christening of Vlasov, the singer, he was embarrassed by looking at the scarf, was offended, and did not finish the reprimand of the litany and dismissal. Poletaev gave the scarf to the deacon. This is what addiction to visible things means, how it binds and deadens. At Kurganov’s memorial service, at the end, he stumbled because of thoughts of offense from the archpriest, real or imaginary, in any case, because of self-interest. Oh, what blessings I am deprived of through evil thoughts! What a great blessing it is to think good about a truly evil and evil person and not to think evil about him, not to repay evil for evil! Let them offend you, and you pray for the offenders, and God will reward you a hundredfold. April 18. I am not worthy to call the name of the Lord, the Lady, because I am an indecent slave who does not fulfill the commandments of the Lord. But teach me, O Savior, to always do Your will exactly. Is it not because we are in misery in our souls that we abandon the Lord and cling to the world? Is it not because of our malice? April 13. Compline. I thank the Lord. Who saved me from the great sorrow and distress that befell me for my anger at sexton Zrelov, who came late to Kurganov’s funeral service; I repented for quite a long time, and when I came to Zakhar Ivanov’s apartment to serve a litany for the baby Anna and prayed fervently for mercy, I immediately found mercy from the Lord. And he served Lithium firmly. I thank the Lord, who performed miracles of mercy with me during the service of the liturgy, which I served in grace, although under temptation, and especially for the communion of the life-giving Mysteries, which miraculously revived me; I finished the mass every word. But, having consumed the Holy Gifts, I showed some greed for the prosphora, taking two instead of one. This duality of heart hurt me because it was a kind of betrayal of Christ and pleasing to the devil. That is why I was overcome with melancholy and heaviness; On the way to the gymnasium, I suffered, but, having entered the gymnasium, I approached the Lord with special persistence for mercy, and the Lord had mercy on me: I became cheerful and cheerful. Glory to the Lord! He served Vespers well, but the devil interfered. After Vespers, he became upset at the hunchbacked beggar walking with a staff, and fell into cramped conditions. Again he prayed to the Lord, and again received mercy. While having tea at home, I became angry with my nephew for no reason, and my soul felt terribly tight; Having repented, I received forgiveness and space. Glory to the Lord! April 14. I sinned before God and myself by eating more black bread and tea last night than was necessary. That is why this morning there was some defeat and deadness of the heart, tightness, a strong attack of evil spirits, extreme struggle. Oh, yes, I am not tempted by bread. I thank the Lord for His great mercy and help during the service of Matins: I accomplished it without stumbling, victoriously, through all the grace of Christ my God. Archpriest Pavel Vasilyevich Trachevsky did not allow me to speak today out of jealousy and envy, saying that it was as if I wanted to put myself forward everywhere and that he himself had prepared the word. I ardently stood up for my trampled rights and for his passion to show off in front of the public. God knows that I meant the glory of God and the edification of those who were to come, and not my own glory. May God judge. During the mass and especially the funeral service, I stood suppressed by the enemies, embarrassed, intimidated. Nothing like this happens with the brethren: they are always free, bold, inaccessible. What a life I have been given! May I rise up and slay the demons who fight and trample me. I sinned during dinner, I despised my nephew, who greedily ate meat, and I hated him in my soul through the action of the devil and envied him that he lived freely in contentment, while his family, and especially my younger sister and her family, suffered shortcomings. Oh, the devilish hatred and envy, greed, pride, partiality that have crept into my heart! I deny you, Satan, and all your deeds. I will always love, by the grace of God, those who are natural to me in the image and likeness of God, especially the wretched, although ugly, for beauty is in the human soul and perishable beauty is the beauty of the god-like tabernacle (soul) of the co-redeemed by the blood of the Son of God, just like I am the children of God, the temples of the Holy Spirit; Let me not be tempted by a corruptible, temporary appearance, which is disfigured by sin, illness and various unforeseen disasters. May the commandments of the Lord be kept and may they not be violated by me under any pretext. Forgive me for what I have done, Lord! I repent deep down. Amen. On Holy Thursday, Archpriest P.V. Trachevsky carelessly dropped many large parts of the most pure Body of the Lord onto the floor, which he did not pay attention to and which Mrs. Brown took a handful of and used, and wiped away the most pure Blood with a handkerchief. The cemetery deacon was Nikolai Shcheglov. The people saw this. I saw Grechukhin. What is it? – Complete disbelief, nihilism, and service – hypocrisy. Search hearts, Lord! You weigh this. Rector Archpriest P.V. Trachevsky put a ban on me, out of jealousy for my good name or out of envy, from speaking a word over the ashes of P.A. Korguev, and I, by the grace of God, although after grief and wrangling, submitted to him, just as Saint John of Damascus obeyed his superior, who forbade him to write essays, sing and speak. Trachevsky's son is in the monastery. I thank the Lord for the mercy of spiritual peace, bestowed upon me through the prayer of faith and repentance in my distress and sorrow over my indignation against Archpriest Trachevsky. I surrendered everything to the Lord - him, myself, and my work. After Matins on Friday, April 15. I thank the Lord, who gave me the grace to triumphantly, with a solemn, clear voice, complete the entire Matins, except for the very end, at which the devil confused me with hostility towards the archpriest, which greatly wounded me. I prayed and repented for a long time, being in ulcers, finally the Lord had mercy on me repentant in Marya Arsenyevna’s apartment before the prayer service. I praise the Lord. April 15. Before evening. I thank the Lord for the greatest spiritual victory, won by His small grace over invisible enemies, who fiercely, hellishly depressed me during the liturgy with hostility towards Father Archpriest, who came to the church and stood at the western door. All because of yesterday’s refusal to give me permission to preach a sermon over Korguev’s tomb. Only before communion, and especially communion itself, did I overcome the anger of which I sincerely repented. After mass and the use of the Holy Gifts, pardoned by God, I prayed for Father Paul, that the Lord Himself would enlighten his heart's eyes, soften his heart, give him the gift of piety and tenderness and fear of God, and that he would not interfere with preaching the word of God, to which he himself is indifferent, like everything else; For myself, I prayed to God to give me the grace of love for my neighbor and for my enemies as brothers of the same nature who have the same weaknesses and sins as me, and not to lose love for my brother because of anything, to love even when he persecutes, slanderes, reviles, for love endures everything and conquers everything. She is a great force. I thank the Lord, who gave me the grace to quickly overthrow the invisible adversary, who attacked me with contempt and hostility towards my nephew, when he came home from customs. Now in prayer in repentance I told the Lord: I repent of hostility and contempt for my one-natural and one-honest brother. How do we sin daily? Sin is in the highest degree outrageous, stupid, absurd, ugly, poisonous, painful, dishonest, disgusting, stinking, corruptible, destructive, gloomy, deadly, but at the same time extremely charming, violent, impudent, swift! God! Give us the grace to hate sin in all its forms and love Your truth, which has good properties opposite to sin! I thank the Lord, who overthrew the enemy and gave me the courage and strength to say the entire prayer behind the pulpit and the entire dismissal. I sinned before God and people: I became angry with my servant Anna and my wife for maliciously not opening the doors to the kitchen (from the corridor) for my nephew Ivan Vasilyevich Fidelin (June 9 in the morning). Forgive me, Lord! Have mercy! Heal, Lord! Correct and establish in kindness, Lord! But You have had mercy, pacified, revived, spread [and consoled] me. Three o'clock in the afternoon on April 16. Saturday. I thank the Lord for his great mercy and deliverance from bitter anger at this moment. Sitting at the dinner table, I became embittered with my nephew for his haste in eating, proving impatience and greed, which I myself am guilty of when eating and drinking, and at the same time I did not love and despised him for his indecency and crookedness, for which he was not to blame. So, I thank the Lord, who accepted my repentance and faith. During mass today I was subjected to the greatest temptation from my wife, who gave me ten kopecks for two prosphoras, which I forgot to take during the proskomedia, and which I remembered after the Gifts were transferred to the throne. This trifle embarrassed me so much that I fell into some confusion, timidity, indignation at myself and my wife, and my soul grew cold towards the holy, all-saving, most heavenly, terrible Sacrament and towards prayers and exclamations. I did not pronounce the commemoration of the Holy Synod and the Metropolitan after the consecration of the Gifts, I did not say the entire prayer behind the pulpit, and I did not say the entire dismissal. There was a strong heaviness, pressure, and all from yesterday’s gluttony of Father Peter Preobrazhensky. It is a grave sin and death for the soul to have worldly care during the liturgy, especially after the transfer of the Holy Gifts from the altar to the altar. I felt such care only for a second today during mass, and I suffered severely, my heart becoming frozen for a long time. I also thought with passion about the award that was coming to me, the Order of St. Anne of the third degree, and this tormented my soul with spiritual paralysis; I again measured my soul and knew that the Lord alone is my all-sufficient good, He is my life, temporary and eternal, my strength, my food, my drink, my breath, my peace, my space, my sweetness, my beauty, my deliverance and salvation, my healing, my light, my deification. Forgive me, Lord, for I was jealous of my brother’s consumption of sugar and noticed to him that he was consuming a lot when I myself consumed more. Sweet tooth, pity for sweetness when one should despise it. Zabotkin Dmitry Stepanovich asked to remind him about the money. When will I stand at the height of Christian contemplation and dispassion and will not be seduced by earthly and generally material beauties, sweets, treasures, riches, ranks, distinctions, awards? Glory to the redemptive power of the life-giving blood of the Lord Jesus Christ, shed for the world and for me, a sinner: I was in terrible, hellish straits for my sins - anger, pride, greed, satiety, and, being in straits, I fervently prayed a little to the Lord, remembered with faith and hope His blood, shed for the world and for me, and the bonds of my sins were instantly resolved. I praise the Lord, His mercy, His all-sufficiency for our sins with His blood! April 16. Saturday. Five and a half o'clock in the evening. I thank the Lord for the gift of the stumbling-free performance of the Sunday all-night vigil in the Assumption Church with tenderness and for the release. I am honored with divine dignity through the rank of priesthood and especially through communion of the Divine Mysteries of the Most Pure Body and Blood of Christ. Great dignity! May God grant him to live up to his holiness of life and heavenly wisdom. The entire people, the entire lordship, the official people, the merchants, the army, and even the clergy itself, considered according to the flesh, what are they all? – hay: all flesh is hay [Is.40:6]; what are they? - a vapor that appears for a short time and then disappears [James 4:14], a weak web that can be easily torn apart. And the very kings of the earth, what are they before God and in general as mortal people? The same as other people: weak, sinful, subject to illness and countless disasters. Therefore, a priest serving in a church or in any other place to the Lord God should not be ashamed or afraid of anyone and not be embarrassed at all, even if before him stood kings, nobles, princes, mayors, military leaders, scientists, rich merchants and other revered people important in the judgment of the world. They are nothing, less than nothing, before God. Fear and honor God alone without stumbling: in His hand is the breath of all, and man is grass. Have you always honored the Most Pure, Most Blessed, Most Blessed Mother of God with sincere reverence, love, prayer, thanksgiving and praise? Wasn't he cold towards Her? Did you diligently tear away from your heart coldness, laziness when praying to Her, evil, nasty, blasphemous thoughts? How many treasures of goodness, holiness, heavenly greatness, wisdom, power of God, divine beauty and radiance are in the Mother of God! She endlessly pours out Her mercies, reveals divine powers to the family of Orthodox Christians who glorify Her, and to me, especially during the performance of divine services alone, without a deacon, when attacked by demons. I thank the Lord for what he said yesterday at the all-night vigil with boldness: dismissal. April 17. I thank the Lord for reading aloud edifying books this morning and again for the great deliverance from the painful hostility towards my nephew for his unattractive appearance; Oh, the disease of appearance and partiality! He sinned towards the Lord by despising the inner, beautiful tabernacle because of the unattractive, disfigured outer shell of the body: after all, this godlike tabernacle is not disfigured by external ugliness, but remains godlike and is even more beautiful than those of those who are handsome in body, who are often vain about their beauty and, because of the external, neglect the internal, in which all the importance lies. And my nephew is very good in his soul: meek, humble, kind, obedient, self-controlled, helpful, he is a hundred times better than me. May the Lord bless him, He who has no sight on his face, Who does not marvel at his face, and may my soul bless him. Wake up! I thank the Lord for the repeated, miraculous deliverance of my sinful and humble soul from the sorrows and oppressions of sin, namely: before mass in the Assumption Church, during mass after the great entrance, when the enemy deposed me while speaking the names of the royal family; “First of all, remember, Lord, the Holy Governing Synod,” and so on, said everything, everything in the pulpit. Vacation said in a vague spirit. When reading the manifesto, the deacon felt a strong temptation from reading it in a drunken, rude voice that was unpleasant to the ear. While performing the prayer service, he also received God’s help. The prayer service was served successfully. Three weddings were crowned with God's hastening mercy and goodness. The last one in front of a huge crowd of people. Grant, Lord, complete dispassion when turning to the west: the machinations of the enemy are everywhere. The christening [...] was performed well by the grace of God. I praise my God. April 19. Tuesday. The power of evil is incessant, extremely swift and destructive, God forbid any of us to contribute in anything to this evil and its culprit, the devil, with our undertaking and continuation, but to stop it in every possible way, not allowing it to spread and infect us and other people. “Blessed are the peacemakers: for these shall be called sons of God [Matthew 5:9]. “Hallowed be Thy name, Thy kingdom come” (regarding a disagreement with his father, the archpriest, over a sermon). The desire for earthly rewards hurts the soul and separates it from God. Desire heavenly treasures and heavenly everlasting glory. 19. I, the accursed one, have not yet learned in my heart to love my neighbor according to the Gospel, but I love according to the flesh, in a pagan way, by choice, beautiful people, ugly and unattractive people, ugly in face, cripples, deformed people, and others who are sick; I love those who are loving, pleasing, respectful, rewarding my work, my work - but I don’t favor them, I don’t love them. God! Teach me love, let me love as You commanded, so that such love will bring me and my brethren the fruit of eternal life and eternal bliss. And the end of earthly, pagan love, together with the body and life here disappearing, is condemnation and death. 20. I thank the Lord, wondrous in the works of His providence for us, who reconciled me with my father, the archpriest; Yesterday I visited him in the evening on duty and was received by him very friendly and affectionately, so that the remnants of my dislike and hostility towards him melted away. Confirm this, Lord, in us. I thank the Lord, who pacified yesterday, when I went to bed, my heart, which was somewhat agitated because of Director Janisch, who for thirteen years has not nominated me for any reward. I said in my heart: my reward is the Lord, the very teaching of the Law of God is for me a reward, consolation, food, [sweetness], honor. Rewards seduce us because we lose sight of the future eternal life, in which other rewards and other punishments await us - eternal ones. If we imagined the righteous judgment of God, then the desire for rewards would cool down or completely disappear, because often for the very thing for which we are rewarded here, we will be punished there forever. 21. I thank the Lord for the incredible gift of the Divine Liturgy (from Ivan M. Serebrennikov) in the Assumption Church; by the grace of God he accomplished it well, without any special stumbling blocks from the enemy, except for the pronunciation of the names of the royal family at the great entrance. I was revived by communion. Glory to the Lord! I often sinned before God, before people, before the Angels of God and before my soul, that insincerely, coldly, with an evil heart, in confusion I said (read) prayers, litanies, exclamations during worship and various prayers in the homes of Orthodox Christians, without the spirit of love and warm sympathy, and especially when praying for the dead. Often I myself was dead in spirit, serving a memorial service for the dead or performing the Sacrament of Anointing and Confession. My God! Cleanse all my sins, voluntary and involuntary, committed during my service by Your goodness, and grant me the grace of the Holy Spirit, the Divine fire, an action that burns all my sins and ignites me and all faithful people with the love of God. Gird me, O Lord, from on high with the power and warmth of the Holy Spirit. With the living voice of my heart, grant me, Lord, to always pray to You for all Your people, living and dead. Always teach me and give Your blessing to people with all my heart. For great is the gift to mortal men - Your Divine blessing, which You obtained for us from Your Father through Your impassive passion, Your death and resurrection; with faith and love and with the fear of God, I must teach to Your people how Yours is the Divine blessing, which brings countless benefits to those who receive it by faith. April 22, 1874. April 22. Ten o'clock in the morning. I thank the Lord, who quickly worked in me wondrous miracles of His mercy and power, when in cramped conditions, sorrow and spiritual death I cried out to Him, deeply aware and feeling my sinfulness and weakness. Once at morning tea and after it at home in the dining room, then at a memorial service in Lebedev’s wing, when the enemy deposed me at the litany and I shed tears in the consciousness of my weakness and insult from the invisible enemy, and especially the same in my apartment at ten o’clock, when I, being in sorrow and cramped conditions, prayed to the Lord in repentance. The Lord instantly broke the bonds. Praise the Lord. April 22. In the Duma Assumption Church, during the all-night vigil, I wished for the award of the Order of St. Anna of the third degree, and like a fierce snake, I bit and stung for several minutes. This vain desire separated the soul from God, the only source of [true] glory. To this day, man, like Adam and Eve, wants to be “like God” [Gen. 3:5] according to his rewards, according to his dignity, orders, his pleasure, and thus falls away from God, rebels against God; and indeed, he feels a deadly indignation within himself, the sinner elevates himself above others, forgetting about his sins that deserve damnation; in his conceit, he considers himself better than others, stands tall before others, and he himself is nothing but sinful, vile, before God. He must know himself and put on black clothes, rough, reminiscent of his rough passions. Over the ashes of the late Paraskeva Ivanovna Murashova, performing a memorial service at the cathedral and feeling in myself coldness, crampedness, shame, strength, I recognized my sinfulness, weakness, illness of the soul, that I was terribly sick with pride, voluptuousness, ambition, selfishness, laziness, severity, obstinacy and other sins - and shed tears; The Lord bowed down to me and gave me peace. Glory to the Lord and the Most Pure Mother of God! 23. Yesterday I drank a lot of sweet tea (before the all-night vigil and after it), and that’s why I had trouble at night: the seeds were extremely boring. In my dream I saw director P. Nik. Janish as very kind, friendly, familiar, and I was in a cheerful spirit. It was very early. Leave idolatry, my conscience tells me, leave gluttony, lust, greed, vanity, ambition, partiality, malice, envy. Write a report to the Metropolitan and Grand Duke about guardianship. April 23. I thank the Lord, who gave me the grace of tenderness and poverty of spirit during the celebration of the Liturgy in the Duma Assumption Church. The ethereal villain and strangler stung me very strongly today in the morning before the communion of the sick Evdokia Blinova with the sting of self-interest and then during the confession of the girl Elena (Lutheran) with carnal lust; in both cases, I immediately repented to the Knower of the Heart and received heavenly peace after confusion and oppression. I thank the quick-to-obey Lord. I celebrated Mass decently: the temptations were strong, but the mercy and power of God was also great, it showed me, weak and cowardly, victorious. He received life-giving communion of the Holy Mysteries. During the all-night vigil, the Lord gave me tenderness and tears in the awareness of my great spiritual poverty. After the all-night vigil, the Lord saved several times at the funeral service for Paraskeva Murashova. Having desecrated the robe of baptism, all white as snow, we do not care about it, we do not whiten it every day with tears of repentance, and we want external, vain decorations, for example, light clothes, orders, to appear, and not to be what they should be, and in general, we forget the great advantages of the children of God, the heirs of God, the animated churches of God and chase after insignificant, temporary advantages earthly, momentary, or we forget that our body will turn from dust to dust, as well as all our clothes and distinctions, but our soul and virtue endure forever. 24. I thank the Lord, who gave me the grace to celebrate the Divine Liturgy for salvation in the Duma Assumption Church during the sorrow and cramped conditions of Belial. May the will of the Lord be done. No matter how hard I try to be undefeated from invisible enemies by the power of God, I cannot - they overcome me for gluttony. He took part in the revival; I thank the Lord, who saved me three times from the terrible agony of the devil’s malice before the late liturgy, during the liturgy and just before the funeral service; At first he became angry with the beggars. Then against Archpriest Pavel Vasilyevich Trachevsky twice, and he is a gentle, meek old man. If it were not for the Lord, then the evil of the devil would have consumed me and dragged me to the bottom of hell, fornication would have corrupted me, gluttony, drunkenness, pride, envy and other countless passions would have eaten me up. Personal and material addiction. When I went to the gymnasium on Sunday to congratulate the director’s wife on Angel Day and refused one beggar with annoyance and stinginess, for this I was subjected to terrible crowding and disappearance; I repented of my sin, prayed to the Lord for a long time for salvation, shifted, shrank from pain and cramped conditions - and finally, by the grace of God, I was barely freed from trouble. (Some peasant from the Moscow province asked for help.) Sin has enough torment and punishment in itself to still hate the sinner or the one who offends us; You need to feel sorry for the sinner and pray for him. April 26. I thank the Lord, who called me last night at nine o’clock to serve the all-night vigil at Konstantin Shabunin on Pavlovskaya Street. I thank the Lady who visited me with mercy, help, purification and spiritual peace in the praise of Her goodness and greatness! I glorify God’s good providence for me, saving me. During the early liturgy, I had terrible spiritual weakness, demonic and human fear, cowardice, nervous fear (due to excess wine at the wake of A.V. [M...] and then at the birthday girl Elisaveta M. Semyonova in the evening); to this was added an evil suspiciousness regarding Deacon Peter, who did not kiss hands during mass several times, which he overcame only by the grace of God; In general I felt extremely weak, which was due to too much tea last night, an upset stomach, and little sleep at night (I got up at four o’clock). However, the Holy Mysteries revived. He did not pronounce the royal family, the Holy Synod did not pronounce the metropolitan with his attributes due to fear and nervous illness. Intemperance terribly breaks down your mental and physical strength. 26. At four o'clock in the evening. I thank the Lord for the mental and physical health given to me through the service of the early liturgy; she revived me, bringing me from the death of sin to life, although under severe temptations. I felt quite well until eight and a half hours. At that time, my nephew walked past me near the church house (near the fence) in a bad, sloppy cap, and I despised him in my heart, did not love him for that, became angry with him and expressed my displeasure to him at home because of his appearance. But then the blessed world left me and sorrow, cramped conditions, illness, torment, and hellish fire took me. And rightly so! This is for vanity, vanity, partiality, because of which I despised and did not love my neighbor, created in the image and likeness of God, redeemed by the blood of Christ, a member of Christ, a child of God. I myself turned out to be unloving, petty, vain, earthly, and not lofty wise, prodigal, voluptuous, and not humane. And I am also a priest, still a communicant of the Holy Mysteries, who has within me Christ, the lover of mankind, not in person, but in the heart of the one who looks upon. I judge myself. I accuse sincerely and ask the Lord for mercy, may these and many other sins be forgiven me, and may the Lord give me a new heart and a new spirit, may the Lord, the Physician of souls and bodies, heal me. Eleven o'clock in the evening. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from great distress and sorrow for the sin of internal hostility and contempt for my nephew. I repented long and deeply. When will I love souls and not bodies? April 30, eleven o'clock. I thank You, Lord, for You saved me through my prayer from lustful obsession. I thank You for You saved me from guile, distrust and disbelief in the words and actions of autocratic power, and for You transformed the tightness and weakness of my soul into freedom, cheerfulness and peace (when reading a newspaper). April 28. I thank the Lord, who mercifully looked upon my sorrow and distress and my repentance for my anger at my wife for saying contrary to my words: it is time for the children to fast little by little. The Lord had mercy and delivered me from the fire of anger, from cramped conditions and gave me both peace and space. I thank the Lord, who mercifully accepted my repentance in looking at fornication with some pleasure at the picture of a beauty naked to the chest. I glorified the beauty of all God’s works, expediency, unblemishedness, purity, essential benefit and beneficence, and the Lord had mercy on the penitent and gave me peace. Glory to His shrine, glory to His righteousness, glory to His mercy and life-giving power! April 28. I will remember the new mercy of God, shown to me, a sinner, upon awakening from my daytime sleep, to which I indulged after Matins at nine o’clock. When I woke up, I felt melancholy and sorrow in my heart. But as soon as I remembered the Lord with faith and, crossing my heart and sides, called on the name of God, the melancholy immediately disappeared, I became completely calm and again fell asleep in a peaceful and healthy sleep for half an hour. Glory to God, His mercy, closeness, cheerfulness, quick obedience! He sinned against Ivan Vasilyevich Fidelin’s nephew by not enduring his grunting after dinner due to some kind of hostility, and noticed to him with annoyance that he was grunting like an old man out of empty habit. Forgive me, Lord! Grant me a meek heart, [...], simple, pure, friendly, soft, benevolent. I condemn myself in hostility, severity, obstinacy, pride, malice, partiality, lovelessness, gluttony, drunkenness, greed, love of money, covetousness, laziness and negligence. Now, during the battle with the infidels, special feats of prayer and piety, purity of life, abstinence, deeds of love, mercy, and going to church are required of us. Nowhere do we enter into ourselves so deeply, sincerely, completely as in church, for here God, who saves us, is especially present, His grace works especially here; with the help of church prayers, readings from the Holy Scriptures, especially the Psalter, and church songs (stichera and canons), a person recognizes himself in all his nakedness - his deep fall and corruption, his weakness, his poverty, his damnation, his extreme sinfulness and the infinite mercy of God, the truth and holiness of God, His infinite wisdom and omnipotence. Here he is especially visited by deep feeling and tenderness with tears, and here he is especially reconciled with God, who is angry with us every hour. Yes, sacred church prayers easily lead a person into self-knowledge, shed tears of tenderness, tame passions, pour peace and joy into the soul, instill mutual love, the spirit of unity, meekness and humility, chastity and abstinence, faith, hope and love. No one educates a person for heaven, for God, like the Church. This is the best teacher. Therefore, feed yourself as much as possible, more completely, with the spirit of church prayers, the spirit of holiness, meekness, truth, love, the heavenly spirit. Like smoke, like morning or evening fog, all people fly by and are gone. Only the soul and good deeds are eternal. It is impossible for a person whose mind and heart is partial to this world and its blessings to love God with all his heart and to be completely renewed - they cut his soul off from God and strike it with spiritual death. Read with attention the Savior’s parable about the sower and the seed [Luke 8:5–8]. “You cannot serve God and mammon” [Matthew 6:24]. The devil has perverted our soul, its life, directing it towards the world instead of God, teaches us to enjoy what is dust and decay. I thank the Lord, who saved me from hostility towards the abbot. You, Lord, constantly take away from my soul the shame and oppression of sin and clothe it with the glory of Your grace, cleanse, enlighten, and heal the wounds of my heart every day and hour. I thank and glorify You, my renewer, my Savior, my trustee, my helper, my peace, my strength, my joy. May 1st. Tuesday. My flesh despises my soul in every possible way. He tries to plunge her into destruction every day; I must do the opposite: try in every possible way to despise and crucify the flesh in order to revive the immortal soul, created in the image and likeness of God, so that Belial does not make the greatest mockery of the best part of my being against me through my flesh. Lord bless and help! God! Mortify the passions of my flesh. May 2. Monday. Heavily, but according to the extent of my guilt, the Lord punished me worthily and righteously today during Matins and early mass for yesterday’s gluttony and drunkenness and for today’s anger towards the poor for frequent begging for alms and dissatisfaction with one of them (after mass he satisfied). The devil stabbed me with a burning, fiery sting, scorching, pressing and tormenting me. I prayed for a long time, but to heal my anger and my passions, strong and prolonged cauterization was needed to take away the rottenness of sin. And what mental weakness! I could not speak at the great entrance of the royal family, at the consecration of the Gifts I could not utter prayers for the Synod and the Metropolitan. Participated in the grace of God to revive. How joyful was my salvation after severe torment, after these fiery arrows of the evil one, after severe sorrow and oppression! O sweetest Jesus! Glory to Your salvation! Glory to Your long-suffering! Glory to Your condescension! After gluttony, indulgence, and wine drinking, I am especially irritable, angry, envious, lascivious in feelings and thoughts, and generally extremely accessible to the ethereal enemy as if unarmed, for fasting and prayer are powerful weapons against the devil. Great, life-giving, miraculous is Your praised and ever-glorious name, Lord: here it again performed in me a miracle of salvation from my sins, from nesting in the heart of the devil, from the sorrow and tightness of my soul, when I went from home, having this sorrow (I was offended by the children for their terrible whims and constant almost frantic scream), to visit the officer Vladimir Mikhailovich. On the way, the Lord visited me with His mercy and gave me life, peace, space, and boldness. And now, late in the evening, the Lord again brought me from spiritual death to life and from earth to heaven, when I, in deep repentance and self-condemnation, prayed to Him and sincerely condemned myself for neglect and hostility in my heart and in words towards my nephew, meek, gentle. Oh, Lord, grant me meekness and kindness, love that covers everything and endures everything. May 3. I thank the Lord for the early liturgy and for the wonderful, most merciful salvation from the enemy’s oppression and snares through the prayer of my repentance, for the saving communion of the Holy Mysteries, for the pronouncement at the great entrance of the names of the royal family, the Holy Synod, the archpastor and all the prayer after the consecration of the Holy Gifts (whose grant...) and for the entire dismissal. At home, the Lord delivered me through the prayer of repentance from the enemy and the cramp of anger (bored beggars, nephew (groaning), reprimand with bitterness and annoyance). I thank the Lord for the speedy deliverance from the sin of bitterness into which I fell when I was going to a prayer service at the stock exchange and saw one young German, who seemed to be an acquaintance, who passed by with carelessness, as if out of ignorance, when I took off my hat. Grief from anger. But glory to the Lord’s mercy! The Englishman’s prayer service was served smoothly, loudly, boldly! Glory to grace! It’s funny and annoying to myself that I get upset at the slightest inattention to myself, neglect of myself, while I neglect others, others whom I don’t like by their face or for something else, I despise, disgust, hate because of trifles, because of squalor, the ugliness of their face, and not their soul, which is beautiful. At home today I despised my crooked and pockmarked nephew, who is a wonderful man. Alas for me! Everything in me is sinful, first of all my heart, mind, imagination, memory, and then my eyes, ears, hands and feet; I must deny everything from myself, the evil one - sight, hearing, taste, touch, smell, for sin has reigned in me. But grant me, Lord, to love the one from whom the devil turns my eyes and heart. Grant me to think according to Your will, to feel, to desire, to feel sorry for people, to see, hear, smell, touch, taste; to completely turn away from oneself in all feelings, for the devil has infected them all with his [feelings] and dreams. May holy, impartial, constant love reign in me through the senses, especially through sight. The devil tempts us to malice on the one hand, and on the other to carnal love, unclean, prodigal, or to greed, envy, pride, and servility. How many snares, how many stumblings and falls every day, especially through malice, pride, internal fornication, gluttony, covetousness, and contemplation! May 4. I thank the Lord, who soon saved me in Osetrova’s apartment, to which I came along with other priests to remove the dead man. I thank the Lord, who saved me at the beginning of the all-night vigil in the cathedral on the Feast of the Ascension and who gave me the grace of prayer throughout the service. But in the end, the devil viciously and craftily caught me and terribly wounded me, and to this day (for two hours now) continues to oppress and wound and confuse me for my malice and for my wickedness regarding the abbot of Trachevsky: I envied him in the fact that he freely pronounced the entire prayer “Christ, the true Light,” which I cannot pronounce due to the devil’s deceit, and also the usual forgiveness among Orthodox Christians according to at the end of the all-night vigil, which I cannot pronounce due to the cunning of the devil. I said, standing at the altar of the Intercession: you are a hypocrite, you are lying, referring these words to the rector who served the all-night vigil; I repent of this, I condemn myself, I blame myself with all my heart for my wickedness, for my malice, my pride, my envy, disrespect, disobedience, self-will. From the first disobedience in paradise, as from a seed, developed all the sins and vices of man and all the disasters that came from them - illnesses, pestilences, earthquakes, floods, famines, fires, wars. By His incarnation, the Lord immeasurably elevated the dignity of man, deifying him, but man humiliates himself extremely, clinging to earthly goods and doing all sorts of things. Anglicans, Lutherans and Catholics have fallen from love, they do not believe in lawlessness, and the further, the more. (Those who have fallen away from the true Church into our selfless love.) Every sin exposes the soul from the grace of God, disfigures, torments, oppresses, scorches, darkens, and kills. The burning of incense means that our nature, stale with sins, was scented by the Lord with Himself, His incarnation, the consecration of the Sacraments, and the gift of the Holy Spirit to us. May 5. Ascension. All my good wisdom yesterday [...] was shattered at the end of the service by temptation, and the devil cruelly mocked me. Why? Because I was at a wake at a good dinner, drank a lot of wine, beer, honey, in a word, I went on a rampage and gave the enemy a weapon against me, it was his own fault. Oh, womb-frenzied Esau! I impute the womb of God and, as it were, do not consider it a sin, and every day I rage with belly rage. So I'm freaking out! When is strict abstinence? [Abstinence] is necessary, without which I will not escape the wiles of the enemy. (And yesterday I still wanted one or two changes, it seemed like it wasn’t enough. But, thank God, there were few changes! And that’s a lot for me.) The glutton has long fallen away from the love of God and neighbor, he has long fallen away, for you cannot, it is said, serve God and mammon [Matthew 6:24]. Yes, we need to cry bitterly about this. We say: “Deliver us from the evil one, do not lead us into temptation,” but we ourselves run towards temptation, we strive every day, like I did yesterday for lunch - well, I was tempted, drawn and seduced by the enemy and from my own lust; We say: “forgive us our debts,” but we ourselves, as if on purpose, out of habit, add to our debts every day. What kind of life is this, is this life according to God? – According to Belial, according to the flesh. “Hallowed be Thy name,” we say, but we ourselves blaspheme the name of the All-Holy with our lives; “Thy kingdom come,” we say, but we ourselves allow sin in all forms and its leader, the devil, to reign within us; “Thy will be done,” we say, but we ourselves constantly do our corrupt, passionate, stupid, destructive will; We ask for our daily bread, but we ourselves are always chasing exquisite and plentiful dishes and drinks. That is why the enemy took over us, and especially over me, his power. I need to cry and weep for my sins. May 5. Ascension of the Lord. I thank the Lord, who has now shown me the abyss of His mercy and power during the service of the early liturgy; He covered the abyss of my sins, revived me, helped me in the fight against opposing forces and did not destroy me with my iniquities. (However, at the great entrance, he did not pronounce the names of the royal family and the words: “in His Kingdom” regarding the empress; “In the first, God remember”, too, and let go too.) A prayer service was served at the water shrines by the grace of God for good, with the extremely annoying opposition of hellish forces; everyone said leave to the Ascension. God bless! In the evening at ten and a half o'clock there was a strong thunderstorm with thunder. Glory to the Lord, who has begun to especially give life to our northern nature! The first thunderstorm occurred yesterday at three o'clock in the afternoon. God! They ate lightning on the enemies of Your cross - the Turks and the like. May 6. Friday. I thank the Lord for His early Divine Liturgy (from Nikitin), as it again covered my infirmities, cleansed my sins, sanctified my soul and body, pacified me, strengthened me. What is the wealth of a Christian? If he has acquired from God the gift of a pure heart, then he is truly, blissfully rich, eternally rich; if not, he is pitifully poor despite all the external perishable wealth. While serving the Liturgy, I always know and feel that I am extremely poor and needy, pitiful, weak, vain, corruptible, prodigal, unclean. I plunge myself into the abyss of Thy mercy, O Lord, into the abyss of Thy merits, into the abyss of Thy redemption, into the abyss of Thy all-forgiveness, into the abyss of Thy [self-existence], into the abyss of Thy simplicity, into the abyss of Thy omnipresence, into the abyss of Thy power, into the abyss of Thy salvation and healing, into the abyss of judgments. Yours. So I say within myself with faith and hope before the face of the Lord my God and Savior Jesus Christ, when I sin in something and begin to repent before Him in the depths of my soul. I have never left the Lord empty-handed and unheard, having spoken these words in my heart. I thank the Lord, who delivered me even this day, according to these words several times. Grant me, Lord, to always walk before Thy presence and to receive all my requests from Thy endless goodness, grant me, Lord, to “tread on snakes and scorpions and all the power of the enemy” [Luke 10:19], so that nothing will harm me and Your faithful, and may God deliver those already damaged from evil demons! Evening, five and a half hours. Saturday. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the torment of the devil, which began with the end of the prayer service for young females, because I was embarrassed then and where I should not be embarrassed, for I was embarrassed from the impurity and deceit of my heart. You need to look everyone straight and serenely in the eyes and not be embarrassed or ashamed of anyone, be dispassionate like an Angel, for a priest has the rank of an angel. Evening. Twelve o'clock at night. I thank the all-good, all-powerful Lord of glory, who made me worthy to celebrate the All-Night Sunday Vigil with grace-filled tenderness during extreme struggles with the opposing forces of hell, during the tightness and roughness of heart and body from eating meat, as I felt. The enemy embarrassed me not to say the dismissal, but to say the last words, but I dared in the name of the Lord, despised the demonic dreamy fear and said well at first, and then, not knowing what, I was afraid and stopped short, saying the last words of the dismissal, “he will have mercy and save us, for he is good and a lover of mankind.” Having fallen to the throne with faith, I was honored with remission and freedom. Wonderfully, quickly and powerfully, the Lord saved me for my repentance, when I went to the sick Ptashkina’s house to give her communion; saved me from the sins of severity, stinginess, anger, kicks that I gave to a tradesman beggar, whom I did not [...]. It was the wondrous salvation that the Lord revealed in me: I read my prayers gracefully, sincerely, clearly, without stumbling; he received communion reverently, read the dismissal superbly, served the prayer service with excellent calm, unfailingly, solemnly. Returning home, I again sinned at the fence with the beggars, becoming angry with them and saying to one: [Dutch... among the Dutch], - again there was cramped conditions, again I repented and again the Lord healed me. Glory to the Lord! This is the blasphemy of the fallen spirit, that is, the devil, against God, that during public prayer he instills fear of a person or people significant in this world, and not fear of God, who is truly great and terrible, and through this leads to cowardice, despondency, fear, and spiritual flight; man fears man, who today exists and tomorrow rots, today is noble and rich, and tomorrow is food for worms, and does not fear God, who is 76 and has fulfilled everything, brought every creature from non-existence into being, by whom the kings of the earth reign and the mighty [write] the truth! “I fear the only God who lives there,” said Patriarch Hermogenes, pointing to the sky. Remember the apostles, martyrs, confessors, saints, who confessed the Lord boldly before kings and tormentors and who were not afraid of anyone or anything and who dared to endure all torment. May holy truth and righteousness triumph everywhere, and not the devil’s lies. Yesterday, while reading the Sunday Gospel, out of false shame and fear, I missed the demonic word: “He girded himself with his hips, but was naked” [John 21:7]. I have sinned against the Lord! I always ask for God’s mercy and help to overcome invisible enemies, so that this grace may be given to me, the interpreter. Wake up. Amen. May 8, 1877. Resurrection. Memory of the Holy Apostle John the Theologian. Through his prayers, Lord, deliver me from all the snares of the enemy. Wake up! May 8. I thank my Lord with all my heart, who has made me worthy by His grace to celebrate the Divine Liturgy in the cathedral (late), to deliver my discourse and to collect 37 rubles 60 kopecks for the benefit of the wounded and sick soldiers of Orthodox Russia, to receive communion with faith and life-giving. But I angered my Lord that day by excessive consumption of food and drink, especially wine, at a dinner party hosted by Konstantin Ivanovich Morgasov, navigator lieutenant colonel, on the occasion of a prayer service on the ship Nadezhda. Forgetting that I had eaten soup at his place, even two plates, I asked at home (after Vespers and christening) for another bowl of cabbage soup and ate it, and then drank tea with milk and cream, and after the all-night vigil at Nikolai Mikhailovich Semyonov’s I drank tea again and drank two glasses of sherry and ate sardines without bread, and then at home again drank a glass of tea. Forgive me, Lord, for my grave sins again and again. I, the accursed one, allowed myself this after communion of the holy, heavenly, immortal, life-giving and terrible Mysteries of the Most Pure Body and Most Pure Blood of the Lord Jesus Christ. I am deeply guilty as an intemperate person. May 9. Nikolin's day, the day of the blessing of Christ's saint to me - the healing of deafness. Glory to you, Saint of Christ! May 9. Ten and a half o'clock in the evening. I thank the Lord, who showed me infinitely great mercy during the liturgy of the communion of the holy, immortal and truly life-giving Mysteries: He, my hypostatic belly, miraculously revived me, killed by my sins, healing my mental and physical ailments and infirmities that occurred from satiety and drunkenness (at a dinner at Morgasov’s), gave me mental health and the physical, so sweet and precious especially after weaknesses and ailments; bestowed peace, freedom, spiritual space. But then, when I gave communion to babies, some of the babies were unkempt and ugly (oh, appearance, passion for appearance) I was disgusted (without wanting it myself) for the actions of the enemy. The enemy, like an arrow, instantly struck my heart, weakened by intemperance, pouring into it the poison of anger and pride, and I felt heavy, languid, ashamed, and at home I could not overcome him, drive him out; Only through the use of the Holy Gifts by the grace of God was the enemy driven away and my sin was forgiven for fervent repentance, and then I felt healthy, healthy, light, easy, spacious and cheerful. Glory to the Lord! And at dinner with Semenov Nikolai Mikhailovich [...] he lost heavenly grace through intemperance and served Vespers poorly. He baptized the child kindly. 10. Yesterday late in the evening I drank punch and tea from my friend Taratin’s priest, and it turned out badly: I couldn’t sleep. Yes, it was disgusting. So clearly nature itself turns away from such drinking. God! Thank you for this day! Morning. Eight o'clock. “I will sing to You of mercy and judgment, O Lord” [Ps. 100, 1], at the beginning of this day, as You, having punished me, had mercy on me for the prayer of my repentance, had mercy with great mercy four times in almost one hour. The first time, on my way to matins and meeting an unreliable beggar asking for a shirt and pants, I became angry with him and scolded him, giving him much less than he asked for; For this, sorrow and oppression and scorching fire befell me, at which I turned to God with contrition of heart in repentance and self-condemnation, and the Lord soon had mercy, granting me peace, freedom, and boldness. Glory to the abyss of His bounties! The second time, while reading the kathisma, I dreamed of being nominated to the Order of St. Anne of the third degree, and for the sin of vanity, vanity, ambition (external appearance) I was again given over to sorrow and cramped conditions, powerlessness and dryness of spirit. Again I turned to the Lord in repentance, realizing and feeling that for the sake of these earthly desires I am falling away from the Lord, from His life, sweetness, peace, joy, for one Lord is and should be for us all and one treasure, all desire, all sweetness. All glory and honor, all beauty incorruptible, all food and drink incorruptible, all bright clothing, all strength and ageless life. For this feeling of repentance, the Lord had mercy on me and again gave me peace, freedom, and boldness. Glory to His goodness! Glory to His mercy! The third time the Lord had mercy on me, having fallen in repentance to the throne of His mercy, was at the end of Matins, when I was wounded by the enemy while saying absolution, which I did not say through some kind of demonic fear. Having fallen to the throne with faith, I was healed. The fourth time, when I was walking home, a beggar, a tall young man, asked for alms, but I didn’t have small money, and I didn’t want to give, but he begged me to give, and I was upset, upset, I went to the shop to change and gave him five kopecks. Having repented, I received life again. Glory, glory, glory, glory to You, most merciful Lord! Glory to Your long-suffering! Glory to the resurrection that You give to us, who are constantly being killed by sins! Glory to the renewal and renewal of Your Holy Spirit, given to us daily. After mass and vespers. I thank the Lord, who has given me the grace to perform the entire Divine Liturgy without stumbling and to partake of the life-giving Divine Mysteries. After mass, the enemy caught me with a feeling of voluptuousness through looking at a woman, wounded me, killed me, and it took me a lot of time to receive forgiveness, peace, freedom, and boldness in repentance. By the grace of God I see all the machinations of the fisher of men - the devil. He served Vespers well by God's grace. I wanted to say forgiveness and did not say it, defeated by the enemy, and for this I was hurt by him, but, touching the holy throne with my heart and lips, I was healed by the grace of God. Thank God for everything. Glory to the Queen Theotokos, Intercessor of our family. Glory to the representative angels and intercessors and intercessors of the holy saints of God. God is marvelous in all His works. Arkady Ivanov, a fisherman, donated twenty-five rubles to the benefit of sick and wounded soldiers. He asked to pray for his brother Mikhail, who had drowned. Remember him, Lord, the deceased Michael, Your servant, forgive him every sin, voluntary and involuntary. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the oppression of the enemy after the all-night vigil, when I fell at the throne of grace. Remember that the Lady Theotokos with Her purity surpassed all Angels by the grace of the Holy Spirit through the incarnation of the Son of God from Her. You, unclean man, revere such purity, wondrous, immense, incomprehensible, unshakable, and earnestly ask Her for a pure heart - She will give you the grace of Her Son and Her mercy, and you will be pure. How much the poor soul suffers from pleasing the flesh, for example, the belly, sight, beauty, taste, from greed for money, in general from addiction to the world - and it is impossible to say, there is so much trouble for the soul. It relaxes, becomes darkened, becomes defiled, falls away from love for God and neighbor, becomes numb and dead. And we have become so accustomed and addicted to sin that every day we please the flesh with joy and destroy our soul, we fall away from God, the source of life. Every day we weaken her, every day we plunge her into sorrow, oppression, shame, into the shackles of death. We carry a dead soul in a living body! The body is satiated, but the soul is smooth, the body is adorned, but the soul is ugly and naked! The body is in space, but the soul is cramped! The body is in abundance, but the soul is in straits! Moreover, we are in such fascination, in such blindness that we despise the hungry, whom the Lord Himself calls neighbors: naked, undressed by our hardness of heart, our greed and our covetousness (it is true that others are undressed by their negligence and laziness, but there are far fewer examples of this); We despise those who are ugly in appearance, as if their soul is ugly, and not in the image and likeness of God, and although those who are ugly in appearance can be, and often are, beautiful in soul; We despise the poor, although the poor of this world are often rich in faith and the Kingdom of Heaven is prepared for them. May 11. I thank the Lord, who showed me His great mercy and power in delivering me from the anger and grief that excited me about my wife for her stinginess and pity for tea for my nephew; I had a great struggle with myself, I had to overcome frustration and anger, although, as it seemed to me, I was righteous, humble myself, tame myself like a lamb, which required great grace, and I went to church and fell in repentance at the throne of grace - and received what I asked for. The Lord delivered me from trouble, sorrow, cramped conditions, and death. After that, I served a prayer service at the school of trustees with boldness. God of miracles! Glory to You! But then I fell into another temptation after the prayer service: the poison of voluptuousness from a careless view sank into my soul. Through repentance and renunciation with all my heart, with all my mind and with all my strength from Satan and all his works and all his angels and all his service and the combination of the same to Christ, I got rid of both this trap and this filth that corrupts the soul and body. I thank the Lord. I brought my insides to the point of cramping and pain through gluttony and satiety. I need to eat very little, but I eat more. There is no need to eat meat, eggs, or fish. There are plants and fruits. May 11. I thank the Lord, kind, long-suffering and abundantly merciful, who heard me in the hour of crampedness and sorrow and who granted me forgiveness of the sins of my memory of malice and hostility towards my wife for her hostility and the stinginess of my relative nephew (she told me that I was draining the tea), while I spilled rivers of milk at my own expense to her nieces and mine, children who consumed rivers of milk day and night one five, and the other seven years old, not counting a great variety of eggs, meats and all sorts of things. Judge her, Lord! It is very bitter to hear from the lips of my wife slandering me with greed and hostility towards my nephew when pouring tea, this trifle, this water. Again the adversary has driven me into anger at my wife and sister-in-law and is inflating it. But I repent of my untruth, of the untruth of malice, and I pray to grant me unfeigned love. Grant me, Lord, to be at enmity against the primordial enemy, who stirs up all strife and anger and all passions. God! Help! Eleven and a half o'clock in the evening. I thank the Lord with all my heart for driving away the spirit of malice from my heart after a long prayer of repentance and after prolonged oppression and struggle. The most stubborn spirit is the spirit of malice, and because of tea it entered me because I was offended by my wife for reprimanding me in pouring strong tea for my nephew, which I will drain soon, as if I won’t leave it for her. What scrupulous pride I have! I thank the Lord, who has given peace with the forgiveness of sins. He walked back and forth in a park, pressed by enemies, and prayed and repented; he came to the headman completely free and at peace in spirit. Well, I really suffered! Serves it right! 12. The Lord deservedly and righteously allowed me to fall into the hands of the devil yesterday and to suffer all day long from the anger that overwhelmed me against my wife. This is for greed, for my greed, although I accused my wife of greed. I, the greedy one, saw various dishes with delicacies in my dreams last night; he allegedly saw Grand Duke Konstantin Nikolaevich and promised to come to us in Kronstadt and treat us; I was entrusted with purchasing from him. Oh, gluttony! Oh, resistance to God! I have to go whole days without eating. How long for children's toys for my husband! And at night, how my sides are bursting with an excess of seeds, which have nowhere to go, because from food they multiply more and more, but there is no way out for them. That is why the devil turns me around like a weather vane, because I myself became his instrument through gluttony, having removed the grace of God from myself. Fasting is spiritual strength. From my gluttony, the devil easily moves my heart towards fornication only through a voluptuous view, and for unseemly reasons it incites me to hostility, to pride and contempt. I am the first to blame for all sins! It incites unbelief, insolence, blasphemy and murmuring against God and people. Everything is through intemperance; it is the source of sins and all evils. We depict the sign of the cross with three and two fingers on the forehead so that the whole mind is concentrated on prayer or on the subject of prayer; on the heart, to pray with all the heart (and not divided); on the shoulders, so that we pray to God with all our strength and love with all our strength God in the Trinity and the God-man Jesus Christ, our Redeemer and Savior. And in church and during public services, the devil confuses me and upsets me with stupid and empty fears, all because of the womb and money and false shame, because of [filthy] pride, vanity and vanity. God! Be merciful to me, a sinner! Grant me victory over all passions. I don’t see creatures - I see the Creator everywhere, or, better, in creatures I see the Creator, His goodness, wisdom, omnipotence, beauty, truth, righteousness, immutability. I thank the Lord for celebrating the Liturgy in grace, with boldness, without stumbling, and with a spacious heart; all the exclamations were good; received communion calmly, with grace. Towards the very end, he hurried to use the Holy Gifts and for this he was punished by deprivation of grace and cramped conditions. It was cramped for a long time, although I prayed in repentance. Finally, the Lord had mercy already in the gymnasium. But there was another attack: he became angry with first-class naughty people. The class was somewhat hectic. After class I went outside and prayed. The Lord appeared to me again in mercy and bounty. I went to Voznesensky for tea. After tea it became even easier. Sitting in class, I thought that peace and space came from tea, and not from grace, and suddenly I felt cramped again. After the class I repented of my false thoughts, admitted that there was peace from the Lord, and again I felt peaceful and joyful. I did something wrong by eating sausages in the evening after the prayer service in the apartment [...]. Never eat meat at night. May 13. Morning. Through what sheer trifle the ethereal enemy instilled in my heart today embitterment against Deacon Poletaev, who glared only for a minute at the southern gate at sexton Zrelov, who was standing on the choir (it seemed to me that this was with slyness towards me - what evil suspicion!), and against the priest Father Peter Klepachevsky for loudly performing the proskomedia. Due to embitterment and despondency, I could not serve - my heart shrank, sad, and exhausted. And such a weakness of the heart due to yesterday’s meat-eating (especially sausage, which I haven’t eaten for a long time) and general overeating! Is this why you should be depressed?! Father Peter, of course, did something wrong, but it was necessary to look at it with indifference. For a long time I fell to the throne of grace in repentance and prayer, and, thank God, the Lord had mercy on me, seeing my weakness and the terrible violence of the adversary. I thank the Lord, who showed me His salvation. But grant me, Lord, the grace of simplicity and kindness, so that I may not think evil in my brethren, but may I think good about them, and even teach me to always overcome real evil with good, Lord! The adversary caught me cruelly and swallowed me up, but the Lord delivered me. Glory to His mercy! May 14. It's cold like winter, and this has been since the beginning of May. I thank the Lord, who did not allow me, the worthless one, to quarrel with my brother Father Peter Klepachevsky, the cathedral priest, because of an empty case - the loud service of proskomedia during Matins, which I served. And how terribly the all-evil sin embarrassed and incited me to this! I didn’t know what I imagined about the priest and was secretly angry with him, although I didn’t want to, and I couldn’t serve, thinking that he was talking to me loudly; and he became embittered with his father, Deacon Poletaev, just because he looked back at the sexton while walking to the altar. O slanderer of our brethren, slandering us day and night! Go away in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ! I went to Father Peter in a brotherly way, talked with him, and partly touched upon my subject unnoticed, and it turned out that it was never in his thoughts to go against things, but he had such a habit: even at the academy, he loved to read loudly, going into a separate room. Glory to the Lord, who delivered me from the great misfortune of hostility towards my brother! Great is Your mercy indeed, glory to You! And I suffered almost the whole day because of this incident at the terribly insidious instigation of the devil! I sinned before the Lord yesterday by eating too much! And at night he ate fish again; At night my sides were bursting, I couldn’t sleep since three o’clock in the morning. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the great sorrow and distress that befell me for being upset with the sexton Zrelov, who came a little late to mass; I cried out to the Lord in repentance, and the Lord had mercy on me, giving me peace and space; Then the Lord delivered me after the great entrance to the liturgy (I did not pronounce the names of the royal family due to the slander of the enemy), when I prayed to Him in repentance. I thank the Lord for the life-giving communion of the Holy Mysteries and for pronouncing the prayer behind the pulpit and dismissal completely. Glory to Thee, All-Holy Trinity, Father, Son and All-Holy Soul. God is all-powerful, all-blessed, beginningless, incomprehensible, all-wise, all-blessed, unchanging! Plant Your Kingdom, dominion, power in all the hearts of people throughout the whole earth. For Yours is the dominion and Yours is the Kingdom and the power and the glory forever and ever. Amen. Destroy the kingdom of the devil, the kingdom of gluttony, greed, intemperance, carnality, fornication, drunkenness, love of money, pride, envy, malice, vanity, murmuring, impatience, blasphemy, unbelief, disobedience, self-indulgence, fear, cowardice, despondency, despair. May 15. Trinity day. I glorify Your long-suffering, Trinitarian God, as you have not yet destroyed me, enslaved to the womb, while I often partake of the Holy Mysteries of the Most Pure Body and Blood of the Lord Jesus Christ, but have mercy and mercy, although every time I am worthy of condemnation, torment, and death. I thank the Lord for yesterday’s liturgy, for I performed it without stumbling by His grace and without condemnation partook of His divine and life-giving Mysteries for life. There were many commemorations of the dead. Prosfir two full baskets; from proskomedia thirty-one rubles, from early mass fourteen. There are networks of hostility everywhere: yesterday I went to see the hospital priest, Father Vladimir Fedorovich Krasnopolsky, and his apartment was heavily smoky with tobacco smoke. I stayed in it for half an hour, drank tea, but from the stinking, heavy air of tobacco, saturated with foul, lifeless, dead acid, I weakened my nerves extremely, clogged my chest, lungs, and with difficulty served the all-night vigil in the Assumption Church (in the Duma). It seemed that the evil one and the unclean one entered my insides with this smoke. Yes, he really nests in such air - after all, incense is brought to him, living in lustful flesh. Previously, he smelled smoke while living in inanimate idols, but now he takes the smoke for himself, living in the flesh of lustful people. May 15. Evening. I thank the Lord for repeated deliverance from the various wiles of the devil and violence during the late liturgy in the Duma Assumption Church, for the life-giving communion of the Holy Mysteries and for the animated reading of the Pentecost prayer during Vespers. I thank the Lord for delivering me from the violence of the enemy’s anger against my innocent nephew Ivan Vasilyevich; I prayed twice and thrice, and the Lord delivered, but without His help anger would have overcome, and I would have been extremely guilty of that. All because of vanity, that he is unsightly, crooked, sluggish, unspoken. Oh my God! And more and more in front of outside people the anger takes away: I am ashamed of him. But whoever is ashamed of the Lord in the person of His least brethren, of this the Son of Man will be ashamed. I thank the Lord, who gave me the time and opportunity to renew my strength by sleeping for an hour (from four to five in the evening) or more. Kill the selfishness in yourself, which, like a snake, stings and kills your soul, in particular: carnality, gluttony, material addiction, partiality, aversion to persons and disgust, love of beauty, ambition, vanity, vanity, pride, envy, ill will, guile, malice, gloating, lasciviousness of heart, gaze, thought, feeling, imagination, word. It is this selfhood that happens in me every day as the cause of many of my sins and passions that are outrageous to the soul, torment, [anxiety], languor, and oppression. Archpriest Pavel Vasilievich Trachevsky received from Al.V. Murashov wrote down one hundred rubles for the clergy for the memorial services and funeral service for Paraskeva, but wrote down only sixty-five rubles. Theft and greed! What, what pleasant sacrifice did I make to the Lord? Is it prayer? But most of the prayer was cold, careless, superficial, although it was sincere, deep, warm, and tearful. Especially my prayer was often negligent, careless, insincere, when I prayed in public or at home prayer for others, and especially for the dead. There were many of my sins. What pleasant sacrifice have I made? Is it a heart that regrets the misfortunes of its neighbors living or those who have suffered a sad death? But for a selfish person like me, how can there be sincere compassion? I was cold and insensitive, or secretly rejoiced at my gain, which stemmed from the death of my neighbor. Is it zeal for the salvation of the souls of the verbal sheep entrusted to me, or is it sincere pain for their weaknesses and errors? But, caring little about the salvation of my soul and feverishly striving for carnal knowledge, I cared very little about the salvation of my neighbors, and very rarely cared about their errors, shortcomings, vices, lack of correction and unrepentance. God! Change me from now on, transform me, renew me, enlighten me and enlighten me, show me fiery zeal for the glory of Your name and for the salvation of Your people. Amen. Ivan Ivanovich Kochergin died at the hands of a villain and was thrown into the sea, into the sewage. The wine brought him to this point. This death is a lesson for everyone. If we do not repent and correct ourselves, we will all perish in the same way [Luke 13:5]. Not on my face, but on the grace of God working in me and for me, I hope, my face is nothing. Glory to You, Christ, for everything. People are like grass and ears of corn wavering in the fields: they all wither, they are all insignificant before God, and there is nothing to be afraid of them during divine services, when you serve prayer services, memorial services, perform the liturgy and other Sacraments. Feel free to look at them. The priest is above all as a servant of God and the organ of the Holy Spirit and the Holy Orthodox Catholic Church, irresistible and the gates of hell. 16. I thank the Lord, who gave me renewed life today during the Divine Liturgy, which I celebrated, especially in the communion of the Holy Mysteries. The enemy greatly shook my heart. Outside the city, during Kochergin’s funeral service, almost all of the funeral exclamation was accidentally said; the first exclamation was left to me to speak by the archpriest. I thank the Lord. Give me, Lord, the grace to be careless about everyday things and careless about people. Grant me to always maintain the dignity of a priest, especially when serving You. Last night, when I had already gone to bed, the Lord accomplished a clear salvation in me (I was confused and wounded by the desire for reward). I realized, felt that through this I had departed in my heart from God, Who alone is the only treasure of my heart, my only, eternal, perfect reward, my glory, my imperishable beauty, my imperishable sweetness - I repented of the sin of ambition and vain love of glory, and the Lord filled my heart again, and I calmed down. Glory to the Lord, who admonishes me. Two glasses of coffee after early mass at Anna [K...] in the almshouse was the reason for the powerlessness of my heart and coldness when praying for the dead at the graves. FYI. The thought of money was also confusing. Not a thought about earthly things while praying to God! - be all in God. 17. I thank the Lord, who gave me the grace to perform the early liturgy in the cathedral at the request of Pavel St. Burachk, lieutenant captain, to perform it without stumbling, in a clear and loud voice, and to partake of the revival of my Holy Mysteries. May 19. Last night I made a big mistake by eating herring with black bread and a piece of meat pie; At night there was like a heavy stone in my sides - it was hard for me, and I tossed and turned from side to side. And during lunch, I committed a great sin: I ate meat greedily, especially fried meat, and after lunch it was hard. Do not eat meat or anything animal or fish at night, and do not eat black bread at night. Oh, wordless greed! Because of her, I am deprived of words where words are needed. May 20. Yesterday I visited Father Nicholas of Asia and drank wine and beer with him over a good conversation. I condemn myself for drinking wine and beer, that is, for some immoderation. Have mercy, Lord! Tickets for the exam for eighth grade students in Catechism and Worship. 21. Due to the excess consumption of wine and beer by Father Nicholas of Asia (on the evening of the 19th), I became powerless, hardened in heart, and I was conveniently defeated by fighting enemies during mass; a lustful thought and a lustful feeling took possession of me so much that just before communion I could not drive them out of the depths of my heart. So look after this at the pretty ones, who are no better in body than the dust of the earth! That’s why on the monitor “Lava” (at Burachok’s) served in extreme struggle, with an amplified voice, with stumbling, although to little. There was a lack of appetite, of course from wine and satiety. I have sinned against the Lord! 22 and 23. I thank the Lord for the early liturgies that I performed in the Duma Church with great temptations and struggles, the end of which was the victory of grace over sin and the wiles of the devil. Thank you for the wonderful divine life I received in the communion of the Holy Mysteries. (Go to see Kasatkina tomorrow.) I thank the Lord, who saved me this evening at eleven and a half o’clock in the evening from my great sin - contempt and hostility towards my nephew Ivan; This sin greatly hurt and killed me; I began to deeply repent, condemn myself for madness, vain hatred, I prayed to the Lord with tears to give me the strength and grace to love unfeignedly, ardently, with a pure heart, unceasingly, and the Lord had mercy, forgiving sin, healing heart ulcers, giving peace to my soul. Because of the vanity that has overcome me, I hate my own and Christ’s jointness in the image and likeness of God; vanity creeps into the heart and captivates the heart every day through sight (beauty), hearing, taste (sweets), smell, touch. There is vanity all around, people are all vanity, every step is vanity, every word is vanity, every step, movement is vanity, all clothes are vanity. The commandment of God, which constitutes the Kingdom of the law of the Gospel, I, the accursed one, destroyed, having despised my neighbor, my own blood. Every day I sin in many ways against this commandment, offending the all-good and righteous Lord. The disembodied enemy incites me in every possible way to insult my Lord every day. Not being able to harm God Himself personally, the enemy insults Him through me, inciting me to hate Him in His image and likeness - the man whom He loved beyond measure, having exhausted Himself for him. God! Grant me “to be reborn with ancient kindness” 78. “Do not philosophize the day [Russian: whoever does not distinguish between days], does not philosophize the Lord” [Rom.14:6]! What a great loss this is! Don't overthink the day, who needs to be wiser? - To the devil. There is no middle ground. How terrible it is! Remember this, Christian! And how little wisdom you give to the Lord and how much to the devil, flesh and blood! Every person is sick in soul, that is, passionate, sinful, extremely weak, unclean, vile, damned, poor, poor, blind, naked, dead. The Lord came from heaven to earth to save the lost and founded His Church on earth to always save those who want salvation, always heal those who want mental and physical health, always enlighten those seeking liberation from sinful darkness, strengthen the weak, cleanse and sanctify the unclean, deliver from troubles and misfortunes and from mental poverty and enrich the Divine in the communion of the Holy Mysteries of Christ and in unity with Christ to cover our nakedness and ugliness, to revive always, every day, those who die in soul a sinful death. This is how important the Church is for us and how necessary it is for each of us! Meanwhile, many erring people run away from it, shun it, and blaspheme it. O poor things! Unhappy ones! Perishing! Know the saving power of God’s Church and turn to her as a tenderly loving mother, as a savior, as an intercessor for you before God. Looking at your pleasures, at your life superficially, you will think that you are healthy, happy and do not need the Church, its healing, salvation, its services to you - but this is only in appearance, but in your soul you are all poor, sick, damned, poor, blind, naked, dead. I don't trust your desires, your pleasures, your outer decorations. 24. I thank the Lord, who made me worthy to celebrate the early Divine Liturgy in the Assumption Church and to partake of His wonderful, life-giving and heavenly Mysteries for the purification and sanctification and revitalization of my soul and body, killed by sin, into peace, freedom, joy. God! Grant me the grace to always be independent from the world, flesh and blood, and the devil who operates in the world, flesh and blood. Wake up! You desire and seek earthly reward and within yourself you have a condemnation of your vanity: you are deprived of peace, freedom, spiritual light, being exposed to sorrow, confusion, oppression, and shame. You, a Christian, and especially a priest, all desires [should] be spiritual, heavenly, and at all times you should desire the one God, holiness, truth, His blessedness, the honor of a heavenly, not an earthly title. The greatest honor is to be created in the image and likeness of God - what is greater than this honor (although few people value this honor)? What earthly rank, what order, what ribbon and star? It is the greatest honor to be adopted by God, to be called the son of God, heir of God and joint heir with Christ God. It is the greatest honor to be a Christian, and especially a priest of the Living God, and for an earthly man to bear this heavenly rank, to occupy this highest degree, to be adored unceasingly and to adore others by the bounties of the Only Begotten Son of God, according to the good pleasure of God the Father and the action of the Holy Spirit; The greatest honor is to be the church of God, the temple of the Holy Spirit, the greatest honor is the priesthood of Christ, which I have been awarded by the grace of Christ God. When I thought like this in my heart, I became calm and cheerful - the tightness, fire and sorrow that were the result of carnal wisdom disappeared. One should not only not desire earthly rewards, but also despise them as vain and separating from God and the only thing needed. I sinned before God and before people and before myself, being offended by the servant Euphrosyne for hanging blankets on the street in front of the family of Father Peter Klepachevsky. I also took offense at my wife for her sloppiness and negligence in the entire household, and thus fell away from love, from grace, offended my Lord with vanity and malice, and wounded myself, depriving my heart of peace, space, and boldness. Forgive, Lord, my unworthiness for Thy name's sake. God! Teach and punish my wife Elizabeth with obedience, for she does not want to do even the smallest thing I ask, out of laziness and negligence. Teach her Yourself, Lord, so that I may not be irritated with her, seeing her disobedience constantly, so that I may have peace with her, with You, my Lord, and with myself. You, Lord, commanded me to obey my husband, so he will obey, and I will obey You, my God, in everything. Give me, Lord, the grace not to be irritated by vanity, but to always keep sincere love in my heart. Glory to You, Lord, my mercy and my joy: You have had mercy on me again, giving me peace and freedom of spirit. Glory to Thee, my Savior, my resurrection from the dead every day. But how cunning, crafty, and deadly sin is. Lvov’s teeth are his teeth, killing human souls! May 24. Evening. I thank the Lord with all my heart for delivering me from the terrible fire of hell, which raged in me due to the slander and snares of the devil and due to my evil skill. I mentally plunged with all my heart in repentance into the abyss of God’s mercy, and the Lord took me out of the flames and watered me with the grace of the Holy Spirit, giving me peace, freedom, space. I sang Vespers in a clear, loud, heartfelt voice. May 25. The third acquisition of the head of the Forerunner. During Matins and early mass, by the grace of God I withstood the strongest hellish fire of malice, directed at a person close to me, who was standing on the choir at matins and mass. I completely condemned myself for my unrighteous hostility and anger towards him, obviously due to the work of the devil; the pretext is ugliness, pockmarkedness, crookedness, weakness of voice, pretense of singing, although, perhaps, his weak singing is more pleasing to God than my loud one. Incentives for love: affinity in the Lord and in the flesh, sameness of origin, sameness of creation in the image and likeness of God, sameness of redemption by the Lord and, therefore, sameness and equal nobility with me, a sinner, and with others; vouchsafed the same gifts of grace and nature, the same promises of resurrection and eternal life, equally deified. External shortcomings and damage do not disgrace the soul, but, on the contrary, are often the reason for its good looks, meekness, humility, obedience, purity and chastity. Towards someone who has physical defects, especially sensitive ones, one must have all the more sympathy and love, moreover, he is not at all to blame for them, because they happened in infancy due to a severe illness. Hostility for ugliness and shortcomings expose in me vanity, vanity, partiality, pride, self-deification, self-will, lasciviousness, voluptuousness, pride, effeminacy, carnality, satiety, spoiling. Through the prayer of repentance, the Lord delivered me from the greatest spiritual misfortune, from death, especially after communion of the Holy Mysteries. The devil boasted in me as a conqueror, but he himself was defeated. He served the entire mass without stumbling and pronounced the entire royal family name. In the evening, at the end of the fourth and beginning of the fifth hour, during and after dinner, the morning story was repeated with my nephew. Again the devil’s malice overcame, even to the point of tears, sorrow and oppression, fiery violence, the scorching poison of the serpent. And all this is because of my vile, nasty heart: it is of itself incapable of pure, selfless, Christian love, and precisely because of its fornication, because of gluttony and carnality, pride, envy, pride, ill will, laziness, negligence, lies, love of money. Therefore, it is necessary to mortify the flesh with passions and lusts in every possible way, put people on strict fasting, pray more often with tenderness and tears, and read the word of God with attention. I thank the Lord, who saved me through the prayer of repentance from the new agony of deadly malice and pacified me. Glory to His re-creation, renewal, restoration of my being, His new creation! May 24 and 25 were the first blessed, hot, clear and quiet days. After two or three days of rain, all the vegetation quickly moved forward: everything turned green and fragrant. Glory to the Creator and Provider. Marvelous are the works of His goodness, omnipotence and wisdom both in the Kingdom of grace and in the kingdom of nature. “Thou shalt follow Thy Spirit, and they shall be created, and renew the face of the earth” [Ps. 103:30]. This is happening with your own eyes now and always, unceasingly. 26 Thursday. The Lord showed great mercy to me during the service of the early liturgy in the Duma Church, giving me the strength to perform it without stumbling and to partake of the Divine Mysteries without condemnation into peace, space, boldness, joy, strength. The Lord showed me great obedience and mercy when I called Him diligently in repentance in the straits of sin (peasant merchant Ivan Ipatov, selling lamps, kerosene, candles). The Lord soon delivered me, giving me peace, freedom, and boldness. I served the all-night vigil in the chapel of the fish row with great strength, freedom, and boldness. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the captivity of fornication, into which I was taken by the enemy at the girls’ school in the parish guardianship through sight; I prayed in secret in repentance, and the Lord delivered, cleansed, and pacified. Glory to Thee, Lord! But let me take care and crucify my flesh with its passions and lusts. The flesh is highly susceptible to fornication due to delicacy, drinking wine, and intemperance in food. 27. We thank the all-merciful Lord, who sent us abundant rain at a time when we really needed it, when everyone wanted it, when the earth became like a dry land. There was a strong whirlwind yesterday before the rain at about ten o'clock in the evening, there was a thunderstorm, only the thunder was in the distance, inaudible. Whether it was due to the sweet, irritating tea, which I drank three times (at two o'clock, at six and at nine in the evening), thunderstorms, storms and rain - I slept very poorly; my nerves were irritated. Or maybe due to the intense heat. Drink less tea. Ivan Vasilyevich, my nephew, is extremely offended by everyone: his wife, Anna Tsvetkova, the priest’s widow, prosfirna, her little children, the servant Anyutka every day, even I, the accursed one, through the obsession of the devil and out of my passion, contemplation, vanity and vanity, offended him with coldness and unfair reprimands. May his soul forgive me. And he endures everything in silence. Finally yesterday he spoke out to me bitterly, almost in tears. What have we done? His wife often sends him three times in a row, when he could have sent him at once. When I told him that because of his poverty, for the sake of ugliness, his crookedness attacked him all and that it would have been better if his parents had protected him in infancy and had not unintentionally blinded him, he replied to this: then I would have been worse in soul, and I prefer it better to be crooked and pockmarked than vicious in soul. Indeed! He goes through daily the virtues of humility, patience and improves in them, and also, probably, in chastity [...]. Why do I make my prodigal flesh more prodigal through voluptuousness, gluttony, carnality, wine drinking and tea drinking? 28. Last night I again did something absurd out of reason, and not out of ignorance: I ate a tavern pie with fish at night, drank two glasses of wine and ate oranges, and before that I drank a glass of milk (in Lent). Oh, gluttony! Oh, gluttony! Yes, this one vice is enough for my destruction! But still have patience with me, O God, for the sake of repentance and correction! At night it was cramped inside, I couldn’t sleep peacefully, I got up at four and a half o’clock in the morning. If I drank a glass of milk for health, to cleanse scrofulous blood and produce good juices, then why did I eat after that, being full, while the pie was still hot? Is it just on a whim? Is it not out of gluttony? And who did this? - Priest. When? - In the apostolic post, bearing the highest apostolic title and apostolic office. O righteous God! How have You not yet punished me righteously and for one thing: gluttony, this constant idolatry? Communicating daily the heavenly, life-giving, terrible Mysteries of Christ, I should not eat anything other than them, or just a few vegetables, but I am satiated, I feast on it, like a pagan who has no hope, who says: “Let us eat and drink, for tomorrow we will die!” “ [1 Corinthians 15:32]. Oh madness! Oh, impudence! Oh, the predominance of animal, corruptible nature! Oh, the humiliation of the heavenly, immortal nature of the soul! But, God, still be merciful to me, a sinner! On the night of May 26-27, our deacons and priests almost came to blows with each other, but everyone quarreled, quarreled, and got drunk. Deacon Sofronov walked out of the garden at twelve o'clock at night, staggering. He served mass in the morning very poorly. When I asked - what is this from? He answered that it was Polyglot because of irritability. 29. Yesterday I acted badly, drinking quite a lot of beer (from the Kalinkinsky plant) and a glass of strong wine in the evening; I thought that tea with beer would loosen me up, but it made me stiff, and the beer gave me a severe headache all night and in the morning (cream, drunk during the day). It wasn’t because I did something bad because I have a headache and I’m completely unwell, but because it was bad because I upset the Lord with my intemperance and gluttony. Forgive again and again, most merciful and long-suffering Lord! Because of my deeds, my head hurts, but heal it, Lord, so that I can cheerfully and unfalteringly perform the Liturgy for Your glory. It’s not just because he acted badly because his head hurts. But because, by drinking intoxicating drinks, I darkened and coarsened my soul and in my heart departed from the Lord, serving and pleasing the idol of my flesh. This is my sin! After early mass. Before the early mass and during the early mass, I had a very bad headache and the urge to vomit, but the Lord, the only most merciful one, had mercy on me as a penitent and allowed me to perform the Liturgy quite cheerfully, although in a voice that was not entirely clear, constrained, and - oh, an indescribable gift! - I took communion of the life-giving holy, immortal, heavenly, life-giving Mysteries, from which my illness was destroyed, the pain stopped. I praise the Lord for this. My head ached before the rain, which I didn’t even suspect was coming yesterday and early this morning. May 31st. I thank the Lord, who mercifully ignored my prayer of repentance yesterday and dispelled the darkness of sin and quickly sent down the dew of His grace to me. In the evening I visited Al.V. Murashov at his dacha outside the city. He thoroughly scolded the clergy for their negligence during divine services, especially sextons and deacons, and the priests got it, and the bishops too, for sending ignorant sextons to the parish; He accused us, that is, the clergy, of intensifying the schism. Really. From the cream, it must be, but from the sweet jelly, from the caviar, the flesh goes berserk. But God preserve the excess of strength I feel weighing me down. You need to fast. Eat once a day! May 31st. Tuesday. I thank the Lord, who punished me for wishing mammon when giving prayer to the maternity mother Anastasia Vasilyevna Netevich (I could not speak out of the embarrassment of dismissal and was even more embarrassed) and who soon pardoned me for repentance (I repented there secretly and on the way) with the granting of peace, freedom, His light to my accursed, multi-passionate soul. Twelve o'clock. June 1st. The day of God’s mercy and bounty has yet passed, another new day of earthly existence has been given to me. By the grace of God, O Lord, may this day also be a day of Thy mercy and bounty towards me, who is indecent. Sweets weigh heavily on me and depress me. Grant me, Lord, abstinence and fasting, or not eating at all all day, or once a day and little. Cowardice and despondency and loss of spirit during public or private prayer always come from the devil and are sin; we must resist him with firm faith, be cheerful, take courage, and have hope. Is it because of the impudence of the sins that attack you and defile your conscience and your heart that you become despondent and faint-hearted? But the Lord is our deliverance and cleansing and sanctification and “bearing sin, conquering, God’s love for mankind” 80. June 1st. “If your eye is pure, then your whole body will be bright; if your eye be evil, then your whole body will be dark” [Matthew 6:22–23]. We all love sunlight, clean air, fresh, healthy food, clean smart clothes, clean underwear, a clean tablecloth, napkins, clean bedding, [...] every detail of everyday life, a clean home - but judging by our deeds, by the whole structure of our lives, it seems that we love a clean heart least of all, while a clean heart is dearer than anything in the world, for in a pure heart God dwells, and where God is, there is all good. One or the other does not tolerate a stain on his dress, another or another is ready to cry if the dress is dripped, stained with something, is ready or ready to reproach the culprit of such a misfortune, but there are very few who are zealous for the purity of the heart, for a pure, immortal soul in the likeness of God, who would never consider sin, lust, passion to be desecrating it and corrupting the soul. We all need to cry day and night because our hearts are unclean, deceitful, fickle, false, vile, prone to every sin, frivolous, unloving, unkind, treacherous, envious, malicious, vindictive, self-loving, proud, contemptuous, selfish, voluptuous, fornicating, unloving, partial, deceitful, insidious, vain, vain, impatient, sad, desperate, impudent, fearful, cowardly, lazy, careless, careless, wayward, stubborn, obstinate; to cry about the fact that we are vile and unclean every day and hour, at every minute before the holy God, who created us in His image and likeness, or that, being such, we often do not think about it or do not grieve about it or still consider ourselves to be good people, we do not urgently strive for repentance, correction, for virtue, like olive trees for springs. June 3. “I look forward to the resurrection of the dead and the life of the next century.” If I really expect with faith the resurrection of the dead and the judgment of all people, and therefore of myself, then I prepare every day and hour for this great, joyful and formidable hour, cleansing myself from all filthiness of the flesh and spirit and creating holiness in the fear of God. And whoever does not believe or weakly believes in the general resurrection, he spends his life in a haphazard and haphazard way, neglects the correction of his heart and his entire life, lives for the flesh and according to the flesh, satisfying its lusts, becomes lazy and falls incessantly, until death overtakes him in such negligence. Lord, deliver me from negligence and laziness, from pleasing the flesh, plant Your divine fear in my heart, so that I may not perish in my sins, in my negligence! Wake up! Wake up! Wake up! Amen. Morning. Five and a half hours. Cool, fresh wind. Throughout the summer there was only two or three days of warmth. Be the will of the Lord holy, acceptable and perfect. The saints of God spent their entire lives preparing for the blessed resurrection of the dead and for the life of that age by fasting, vigil, prayer and every virtue, honoring this life as the path to the future. I thank the Lord, who gave me, dead from sins, especially gluttony and gluttony, tears of repentance and tenderness during the liturgy of the catechumens and the faithful at the thought and feeling of God’s continuous blessings to me from my birth until now, especially during my priesthood for twenty-two years. My soul came to life, my heart became light, my voice became clear, loud, strong. The entire liturgy (early from Nikitin the elder) served the grace of God for good, except for the end, at which the ethereal enemy, the villain, stifled my soul with anger at the sexton Zrelov because of a trifle - because he sang little and did not let me do my job. Because of such a trifle, I fell into such a great, although involuntary, sin, showing that I have no love for my neighbor, for he who loves covers all things, is merciful, thinks no evil, loves everything, endures, never falls away from love [1 Cor. 13:4-8]. Saint Maximus the Confessor says that whoever is upset with his neighbor even because of his sins does not have love. God! Teach me not to be irritated! He received communion of the life-giving Mysteries for revival. Glory to the Lord! “Praise the name of the Lord, praise, servants of the Lord.” Hallelujah! “Praise the Lord, my soul: I will praise the Lord in my life, I will sing to my God even as I am” [Ps. 134:1, 145:1–2]. June 4. While we satisfy the lusts of the flesh and belly, the devil transforms our heart, instilling sin in us, and makes our very dreams seductive. So last night I saw that I was in St. Petersburg and in the Nevsky Lavra; there was some kind of holiday, there was a metropolitan service; I go to see the bishop’s service, listen to the singers, the archdeacon, I look for where the service is, but suddenly I can’t get there; I come to one of the churches, there a simple monk preaches something respectably to the monks gathered around him, but there are almost no strangers; one young novice zealously refuted the monk who was speaking, contradicted him, and did not obey the teachings of the devil. I left. I finally arrive at the cathedral; Metropolitan service, but without singers, they got drunk and quarreled among themselves and scattered; there are no more than ten people, instead of antiphons they sing songs [dili, dili my column], or something like that; I listen and am surprised, thinking: what kind of transformation? And this is where - in the Nevsky Cathedral! Apparently, the devil is trying to turn everything around, to slander everyone, as yesterday during my mass against Zrelov. June 4. I thank the Lord, who has vouchsafed me this day to perform the most heavenly and terrible sacred rite of the liturgy and to partake of the life-giving, most pure, wonderful, life-giving Mysteries. Was it in vain that the Lord created us in His image and likeness? Will He renounce His image? Isn’t it greatest of all to be in the image of God? Shouldn’t we most of all love Him who created us in His image and the whole world, heaven and earth and everything that is in them? A pure heart is the priceless treasure of every person, his honor, invincible wealth, his peace, his strength, his indestructible shield (apostles, martyrs), his sweetness, bliss; nothing in the world equals this treasure of a pure heart. “Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God” [Matthew 5:8]. After the all-night vigil. I thank the Lord, who gave me indescribable mercy near the Kudryavtsevsky (near the foundry) wings, where I went in anticipation of my godfather Matthew Varf. Kudrevaty for baptism. I was sick in my soul, namely with envy and indignation at the sexton Zrelov because one peasant, whose child was baptized, gave him three rubles for his share and the same for me. I accused myself of a lack of love and goodwill, of pride, selfishness, I condemned myself completely, and completely acquitted the sexton as innocent, and the Lord gave me peace after weakness, freedom after cramped conditions, boldness after shame, light after darkness. “The lamp of the body is the eye. If your eye is simple, your whole body will be light; if your eye is evil, your whole body will be dark. If there is darkness in the light that is in you, then how much darkness is there?” [Matthew 6:22–23]. How we have perverted God’s order, putting everywhere the external, unimportant, carnal in the place of the internal, most important, spiritual! For example, instead of loving poverty of spirit, we loved arrogance, competing with each other with awards, crosses, orders; instead of crying about sins, we cry about the fact that we did not receive a reward, that we were passed over with a reward; Instead of hungering and thirsting for the truth of God, we hunger and thirst for pleasures, distinctions in service, and leave the truth completely aside, adding sins to sins. No, our reward is a pure heart, fulfillment of God’s commandments, a calm conscience. We strongly desire earthly imaginary or real blessings, because we do not possess the greatest good, the source of all real blessings - God. Possessing God, you will not want anything either in heaven or on earth. “What do we have for heaven? and what did You want on earth? My heart and my flesh are gone, O God of my heart, and my portion, O God, forever” [Ps. 73:25–26]. Yes, that's right. Desiring earthly blessings, for example, rewards, we do not notice how through this we humiliate ourselves, our soul, which is in the image and likeness of God and which bears within itself a reward - the imperishable beauty of the highest image and likeness of God, and if it is pious and virtuous, then it carries within itself the Most High Trinity itself, which has adorned the angelic ranks and righteous people, which has wonderfully adorned the whole world. So, man, seek inner glory and beauty, the beauty of virtue, incorruptible, unfading, true, and do not be partial to temporary feigned glory. I have been awarded the highest honor in this world - the degree of priesthood, unceasing deification - what else do I need? What honor can compare to this? Order, cross with ribbon? But I have a golden cross for the degree of priesthood, and everything else is children's toys. To have Christ in my heart is the greatest honor and glory on earth, and through communion of His most pure Mysteries I have this honor, this bliss. Glory to Thee, my Lord. Glory is due to You, to You alone, O Lord, but to us is the constant shame of the face of sins for the sake of our countless sins, committed every day. June 6. I sinned in heaven, before the Lord and before myself: I dined untimely, without being hungry and without needing lunch; I ate more proper fish soup, roast fish and pie, then drank tea twice unnecessarily, without having the urge to drink, and dined unnecessarily, eating two pieces of pie. That’s why I was tied up day and night, my chest and sides were bursting, I couldn’t sleep peacefully. I shouldn’t eat at all for the next week. Yesterday I saw my brother-in-law Konstantin and his wife for the first time in a dream, as if they had come to me. The first rumor about our troops crossing the Danube. Help, God! June 6. Before evening. I thank the Lord, who has now made me worthy of repeated acts of His mercy and power during Matins and especially the Liturgy, who has repeatedly raised me from death to life, from crampedness into space, from confusion into peace, from hardship into lightness. I thank the Lord, who has given me a clear and loud voice to speak clearly, from the heart, litanies (at Matins), exclamations, read and sing the canon and irmos, stichera. I thank the Lord, who revived me through the communion of His Holy Mysteries. But, oh, my damnation, my sinful habit, oh, illness, a fierce illness of my soul, called sensuality and greed ([...])! When I began to begin the Holy Mysteries, and Father Deacon Vladimir Poletaev went to the altar to eat the antidora, I, greedy, took pity on the antidora (“freely you have received, freely give” [Matthew 10:8]) to my brother and co-celebrant, fearing that he would not leave it for distribution to those standing in the church. This confused me, hurt me, paralyzed me; although I received communion with faith, it was not with a burning heart, but rather coldly and did not feel the life-giving fire within me. Oh, sensuality, murderous for the soul! This is the same as partiality, or love of persons, fear of persons (fear of man). God! My all-sufficient treasure! Grant me to love You alone, to cleave to You alone. Every day I am wounded and scourged by attachment to the sensual, or to a person, or to some thing, or to the pleasure delivered by persons or things, and through this I am separated from God, the Source of my life. I thank the Lord, who punished me in the apartment of Iliodor Yak. Murashov when giving prayer to the mother in labor, because at the end of the first prayer I turned to my family with a request to give money to the cab driver (thinking about self-interest), and at the end of the prayer, when I walked home through the park (garden) and repented, praying; The Lord had mercy on me quickly, giving me peace in my confusion and distress. I thank the Lord, who surrounds me with the joys of deliverance. Glory to Thee, Lord, who liveth forever and have mercy unceasingly. Thy power is made perfect in weakness [2 Cor. 12:9], where sin abounds, Thy grace abounds [Rom. 5:20]. Give me, Lord, the grace to compose a teaching about divine services according to a special plan, so that this teaching touches everyone’s living strings of heart and is not a dry collection or list of what is read, sung and done in church, so that everyone loves divine services, so that everyone finds in it sufficient food and delight for their souls at every time of the church year. The daily, weekly and annual divine services of the Orthodox Church are very diverse, rich in content, have a delightful, life-giving effect on the soul; in it, on the one hand, goodness, wisdom, omnipotence, greatness, truth, holiness and the ever-present power of Him, with which He created, contains and governs all creation, are constantly depicted; in particular, the life of Jesus Christ, His teaching, miracles, suffering, death, burial, resurrection and ascension to heaven are depicted (in the liturgy); on the other hand, various exploits of the holy saints of God are depicted and glorified with a request for their intercession for us before God; on the third, the whole life of a sinner is depicted, his fall, his poverty, poverty, nakedness after his fall, his sighs. Tears of repentance, his propitiation of God and the calling of the saints of God as intercessors. When doing good deeds or mortifying your flesh for the sake of God and for the sake of the future life, enduring troubles and misfortunes, the snares of demons, remember what blessings are prepared for you from God in the future life, what bliss that has no end, and courageously endure everything with the help of God. The nature of the worship of our Church, both Catholic and Armenian, Anglican and Lutheran, is antiphonal (anti-responsible), alternating, conversational. [External] worship is necessary for a believer in the same way as a warrior needs military training together with his comrades in arms. We ourselves do not know and do not know how to serve and please God, but there were and are people who are very skilled in serving God, in the art of repentance, holiness and truth, in the art of spiritual warfare, in the art of working out their salvation; It is during public worship that they teach us how we should serve the Highest Being, who created and loves us, provides for and saves us, how we can thank Him, glorify Him, how and what to ask for, how to fight sins and overcome them, how to appease the Lord, angered by our countless sins, how to achieve perfection in faith, hope and love - to be saints. “You will be holy” [Lev.11:45]. External worship is also necessary to sanctify us with the Sacraments of Baptism, Confirmation, Repentance, Communion, Marriage, and Blessing of Anointing. 7. I thank the Lord, who performed miracles of mercy and power in me in calling on His holy name, when I, having sinned with cowardice, demonic fear and silence in the words of prayer for the dead, wounded and oppressed in my soul, cried out to Him for mercy before mass. And during mass, the Lord, at my voice, repeatedly had mercy on me, most of all in the communion of the Holy Mysteries, when I was honored to [feel] life-giving fire in my entire being, purification, sanctification, peace, freedom, strength, light, joy and spiritual joy. After mass, he spoke wisely about the miracle of the incarnation of the Son of God for us, about the salvation and exaltation of man through the incarnation, about the exaltation of woman through the incarnation of the Son of God from the Virgin (he talked with the watchmaker Andrei [Alekseevich]). June 8. After mass. During mass, when taking out portions of free prosphoras, I was seriously tempted by the greed and envy of our prosphora maker Yaroslavtseva, that she was supposedly getting rich (well? - and thank God) from baking and selling prosphoras and was prospering, getting fatter (well? - and that’s good: God forbid that she doesn’t cry over poverty, but after all, she also delivers good prosphoras to us for service, and we are not at a loss either!). Envy and hellish anger greatly wounded me in front of Cherubimskaya itself: I was amazed, killed morally in my heart and could not speak the names of the royal family. Through envy and greed I suddenly fell away from love for God and neighbor! Oh, greed and envy! How I humiliated myself, my soul, in such a high, heavenly service, the deification of man! So I humiliated a person (the prosphora girl) and did not love her because of material satisfaction. If I wish it for myself, then why don’t I wish it for another? O destroyer of God's commandments! O blasphemer of the goodness and generosity of God! But grant, Lord, to everyone what is necessary for life, and not for luxury, satiety, gluttony and drunkenness. Out of your ineffable love for mankind, have mercy and forgive me. (Was it because of my photographic cards, on which I received prints yesterday, that I suffered today from the devil’s envy? Or was it because of the treat from Andrei Alekseevich?) By entering the church, you seem to leave the earth behind you and enter the earthly sky, leave time and enter eternity, for you constantly hear praise and thanksgiving to God, petitions to God and the frequent repetition of words expressing the eternity of God: “To you we send glory to the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, now and ever and unto ages of ages.” And indeed, those who believe in Jesus Christ are promised eternal life, and this eternal life is given to them, and they, having begun to glorify the eternal God here on earth, will glorify Him worthily and righteously to endless ages (forever and ever), for their death will be only a sleep, during which the soul will be alive [...], with which it will forever glorify Jesus Christ together with the Father and the Holy Spirit, who trampled upon our death by death Yours. “My soul will live and praise Thee: and Thy destinies will help me” [Ps. 119:175]. In general, upon entering the church, you constantly hear the clergy, readers and singers addressing God to God, on behalf of the people offering praises of thanksgiving and petition to God. This is very edifying, instructive, touching, and has a saving effect on the souls of all the truly pious. Here, with one mouth and one heart, everyone glorifies and sings the most honorable and magnificent name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit. The Church, praying together, is the great power of God, defeating the demonic armies and able to ask God for every perfect gift, every help, every intercession, deliverance and salvation. Therefore, blessed are all who sincerely come to church and pray in church: God is with them, they are not deprived of any good. Woe to those who leave the church meeting - the devil is with them, having ensnared them in his will. Always remember, man, the moral, great and great significance of you and your neighbor, whatever he may be, good or evil, pious or vicious, good or bad, disfigured by illness, injury, war or something else; remember that in the image of God he is God’s son (or Christian), clothed in Christ, and the temple of the Holy Spirit; do not despise him in any case, do not hate him for anything, but always love him, except when he is an intentional opponent of God, wicked, unbelieving, for such people are worthy of contempt for their contempt for God. So today I began to hate my brother because of the work of the devil because of the ugliness of his face and because of my evil suspiciousness, a good, humble, God-fearing, reasonable brother; I now condemn myself for this with all my mind and with all my heart and with all the strength of my will, having crawled towards sin and lawlessness. Forgive me, Lord, cleanse me, Lord, heal me, Lord, enlighten me; Lord, my soul, pacify and spread it, O Lord, for Thy name's sake! Sanctify her, Lord! Amen. I deny you, Satan, and all your deeds, and all your service, and all your pride. Amen. Let me despise the corruptible body as transitory, but respect the immortal soul in the image and likeness of God. The worship of our Orthodox Church represents the highest and most perfect theology, or teaching about God, the highest and most perfect moral teaching, perfect psychology, or the science of the human soul, perfect healing for souls sick with sin and corruption, perfect enlightenment for souls darkened by sin, perfect nutritious, sweet food and true life-giving drink, so that everyone can receive from it drink of life. Desiring and seeking reward from people for the work of God that we do is madness, for in the one God and from the one God we must seek an eternal, true reward. Human reward, like people themselves, is vanishing steam, smoke, morning dew, soon disappearing, is an object of human predilections; it removes the soul from God, from love for one’s neighbor, and teaches vanity, pride, ambition, hard-heartedness, and partiality. It is absurd for a Christian to desire a reward; he must consider himself an inexorable slave even when he has done everything that is commanded to him [Luke 17:10], and which of us does everything that is commanded to him? Who doesn't sin? Who does not daily transgress all the commandments of God? What does a sinner who seeks reward want? He wants to [hide] his sins, covering them with the appearance of an external reward; he wants to be proud of himself with the reward, to become superior to others. “My reward is with Me,” says the Lord, “to render to each man according to his deeds” (Apocalypse) [Rev. 22:12]. Those who accept bribes here will not receive them in heaven. It's a pity! The desire for earthly rewards displaces the heavenly spirit from our hearts and settles into an earthly, passionate spirit, the stench of earthly corruption. But a Christian must philosophize on high and live in heaven. “But our citizenship is in heaven, from where we wait for the Savior, our Lord Jesus Christ” [Phil.3:20]. The Lord gave us birth to a living, incorruptible, unfading hope, kept for our sake (by the resurrection of Jesus Christ) 81 [1 Peter 1:3-4]. I famously experienced what malice means, the oppression of the devil, hellish fire, hellish poison; I suffered and writhed to my heart’s content, and all this was due to gluttony, satiety during Lent, and because of the fullness in my sides. (Lenten food strengthens.) Through long repentance and self-condemnation, I asked the Lord for mercy. Seriously, I suffered. I thank the Lord, who punishes and heals. “Those whom I love I rebuke and punish” [Rev.3:19]. Apocalypse. Love the Creator more than any creature and never prefer anyone or anything to Him. Remember what the Lord has done and is constantly doing for man in nature and in grace; Thus, out of love for His verbal creation, He became incarnate, worked, wandered, taught, prayed, worked miracles, accepted all kinds of dishonor from people, suffered, died and was resurrected, and ascended again to heaven. June 9. After mass. The all-good Lord has shown many miracles of His mercy and power in me this day, especially during the liturgy, delivering me from the many different machinations of invisible vile and evil enemies and granting me purification, strength, boldness, peace and freedom. After communion, the Holy Mysteries miraculously revived me, a sinner but pardoned. At Matins, I rejoiced like a child, singing and reading the canons, and enjoyed a lot spiritually. I thank the Lord. At home during dinner, I sinned gravely - I was angry with my wife for not preparing the green salad on time, and not only was angry, but also embittered for her malice towards my nephew. God! Let her go, for truly she knows not what she is doing, for she has separated herself from Thy church and from Thy word. Forgive me too, O Great Merciful and Long-Suffering One, in knowledge and in understanding, and not in ignorance of the one who has sinned before You and his wife, and grant me, I earnestly pray, constant meekness, patience, and kindness. Grant us to live in unanimity, in peace, mutual respect, trust, forbearance, patience and long-suffering. Forgive me my pride, my pride, my waywardness, my whimsicality, pickiness, arrogance, my greed, my anger, envy, stinginess. I condemn myself of all these sins with all my thoughts, with all my heart, with all my will, with all my strength. Have mercy on me, O most merciful Lord! So the Lord, faithful in his promises, had mercy on me: I repented, looked to Him with the eyes of my heart, condemned myself, and He turned the tightness into space. [...]. During the liturgy, the enemy greatly bothered me with a painful desire for reward and, at the same time, the danger of not receiving it and the indignation of not receiving it. By the grace of God I smashed these vain desires, as ephemeral, as well as the rewards themselves, as incompatible with the spiritual, heavenly ministry of the priesthood, for which the highest reward is Christ Himself, who made us shepherds and priests. Beaten off by the grace of God. The vanity of earth scourges us, torments us, kills us, bores us at every step, and we, fools, keep chasing after vanity, after worldly distinctions, beauty and wealth, after sweets, after pleasures when we have already known the sweetness of the future age, the sweetness of God’s grace, the sweetness of communion with God. Strange thing! What an all-absurd beauty! We make sure that the list of awards includes more crosses and various distinctions, but we hardly even think about being included in the book of life in heaven; the corruptible glory of the world overwhelmed us and led us into oblivion about the glory of heaven and about the exploits of faith and love leading to it. The devil, tempting Jesus Christ, among other things, showed Him all the kingdoms of the world and their glory and said: I will give all this to You if, having fallen, you will worship me. The Lord reflected this temptation with the words of Scripture: “Worship the Lord Your God, and serve Him only” (Deut. 6:13). The devil wants, like some kind of god, to reign on earth and distribute kingdoms and glory to his worshipers. And whoever desires and strives for this glory and local rewards departs from God, to Whom alone belongs glory and honor, and Who alone distributes [incorruptible particles] of glory according to wealth. And this is true. Come out on Wednesday 82 every ambitious person who desires worldly distinctions, crosses and orders, tell me: is your heart with God, does it enjoy peace, is it not tormented by a restless desire for distinction, is it not embarrassed at the thought of reward, is it not darkened, does it not lose boldness before God? And this is a bad sign: it means that your heart is being manipulated by the evil prince of this world, inciting you to bow down and serve him and removing you from God, from heartfelt service to Him in the spirit and truth of the Kingdom for the sake of the Heavenly Kingdom. Oh, how cunning is the devil, who captivates us with the glory of the corruption of this world! I experienced his intrigues and suffered enough from his manipulation of my heart and my thoughts. But grant me, Lord, to completely despise the vain, transitory, false, unrighteous glory of this world and to pay all my attention to my inner being, to my uncorrected heart, to think and try to please You alone, who searches hearts and bellies and has to reward each of us according to our deeds, according to our hearts, according to the quality of them. For, while we covet the corruptible glory of this world or live only for the flesh, our soul, created in the image of God, remains in the most pitiful state - damned, poor, poor, blind, naked, empty, deprived of the grace of God, deprived of communion with God. Oh, how the ancient enemy has captivated us with the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes and the pride of life! To our shame, what does the enemy captivate us with? A cross in the form of an order on a beautiful silk ribbon, a cross with which he himself was captured and crushed by the Lord, who suffered on the cross and overthrew the enemy of our race with the cross. Oh, our vanity! Oh, our greatest madness! But don’t you, who desire the cross, possess the cross every day? Don't you sign yourself with the sign of the cross? Don’t you wear on your neck and forehead the cross given to you at baptism? Don't you see the cross both in the church and on the churches? Look at him with faith and love and remember what the Lord did on him for you, inflame your love for Him more and more; take up your cross of self-denial for Him, that is, renounce the whole old man with his deeds, or with all his passions, and follow Christ and you will be where He is. He Himself said: “Where I am, there will My servant also be” [John 12:26]. A man looking for rewards! If the people rewarding you knew your heart, your insides, or knew your deeds more fully, they would not reward you. You yourself are aware of this. Why do you want to be a hypocrite, to appear to be something other than what you are? It would be better for you to dress in hair shirt or clothes made of camel's hair, to gird yourself with a leather belt, and not to wear soft and expensive clothes, not to adorn yourself with ribbons, crosses and shining stars. But let’s allow for differences and decorations - the merits are worth them. So try to earn the attention and praise of your superiors through true merits and do not solicit them when you have not done anything special. This effort exposes pettiness, vanity and vanity in you. But a Christian, and especially a priest, by his very calling and election must strive not for earthly, but for heavenly glory, for the honor of the heavenly calling of God. It is impossible to serve two masters (Matthew 6:24). Be simple and gentle like a child and don’t worry about many things. A child is satisfied when he is fed and clothed, and you, having food and clothing, and, moreover, in addition to perishable spiritual food - the Most Pure Body and Blood of God, and in addition to bodily, spiritual clothing - Christ God Himself, be pleased and pleased with this, remembering that God cares about you and everything of little importance will be added to you. I thank You, Most Holy Lady Queen Theotokos, Quick to Hear, for You accepted the prayer of my repentance when, with raised hands and kneeling, I prayed to You with faith and hope in the crampedness and sorrow of sin, asking you to reconcile me with my wife, destroy the mediastinum of enmity and make us like-minded. Immediately, after a short prayer, I felt a good change in myself: peace and space of spirit and body. And how my wife has changed, how affectionate, helpful, meek, and kind-hearted she has become! You truly performed a miracle, O Lady! Thank the Lord! I thank His Most Pure Mother! Behold, the old rebel devil, seeking to destroy us, he was put to shame, driven away by the power of the Lord, by the intercession of the Most Pure Mother of God! May I beware of quarrels in future! Ten o'clock in the evening. June 9, 1877. God is marvelous in us every day and hour! We praise God to You, to You, Lord, we confess, in You, Lord, we place our trust, so that we may not be ashamed forever. Amen. The Christian Orthodox faith is not a human building, but a divine building, the oldest building, since the time of Adam himself, the building of an all-wise, all-powerful, all-good, eternal Architect. – This is what the Church continually instills in its children during worship, connecting the Old Testament with the New, pointing to the fulfillment of Old Testament prophecies in new grace, and to the Old Testament as the beginning and foundation of the New and as preparation for the New (pestun, the shadow of future blessings), and to Jesus Christ as the Alpha and Omega of both. The Church points out that our faith is, like the word of God [...], the highest wisdom of God, which none of the earth-born should boldly assume, 83 which no one has the right to alter or change, to re-judge, for as the heavens are separated from the earth, so the ways of God are separated from our ways and the thoughts of God from the thoughts of men [Is. 55:9]. What did the Catholics, Lutherans, English, Calvinists, etc. do? What did the schismatics do? They rejected God's advice about salvation, they rejected the Sacraments, they rejected various laws, they rejected the priesthood. But “every garden,” says Jesus Christ, “that My Heavenly Father did not plant, will be uprooted” [Matthew 15:13]. And who is this garden, what? June 10. Yesterday, late in the evening, [having become emaciated], I drank two tea cups of meat soup and a glass of tea; soup in order to somewhat relieve the stomach, which was strengthened by very lean food. What did I feel? “The quick meal weighed heavily on my heart, I soon began to feel sleepy, I couldn’t read, and when I drank tea, this was not the case before. So, I don’t need to break my fast. I drank soup for the first time. Forgive me, Lord! Do not put this sin. The sleep was rather weak, my heart was not entirely light. Yesterday at eleven o'clock in the afternoon [...] a terrible misfortune happened on the citadel pier (or on the seashore): mines exploded in the master's hut: there was a terrible explosion, from which several soldiers, the soldier's wife and children were killed. The explosion was very strong; the houses shook from the strong shaking of the air. This is a sign to the mighty of peace, to the ships armed at sea, and to the mighty of peace in the city. Let's listen to the news from the theater of war. God! Help us for the sake of Your name and for the sake of Your Holy Church, for the sake of Your immaculate and beloved bride, whom You have acquired with Your blood. In the sign of the cross, we fold the three main fingers and bend the two small ones to the palm, expressing our faith in the Holy Trinity and in the two natures in Christ God and that [the sacrament of] the Holy Trinity and [the sacrament of] the incarnation of the Son of God is the subject of our constant thanksgiving and praise in all our prayers, public and at home, that we love the Holy Trinity with all our thoughts, with all our hearts and with all our strength inseparably, in every time until our last breath. “Preach the salvation day by day” of our God [Ps. 95:2], firstly, because He day by day, every day reveals His wonderful salvation to our perishing souls and, secondly, so that people do not forget His innumerable good deeds, which He showed to the human race, and so that everyone daily works out their salvation with fear and trembling and leaves negligence. For “how shall we escape by neglecting the gift of salvation, which, being first preached by the Lord, was established in us by those who heard from Him” [Heb. 2:3]! Daily allowance, consisting of days and nights, weekly, consisting of seven days. In the church, in accordance with the flow of nature and especially important events for the Church, daily divine services have been established since ancient times - vespers, matins and mass, also the first, third, sixth and ninth hours, weekly and annual (annual holidays), and there is also a special divine service at a certain time at the end of winter and at the beginning of spring. This is a Lenten service and a service of the Colored Triodion. You, the lucky ones of this world, are delivered to you daily in abundance by the earth and sea, fire, light and air. But do you then thank the Creator of earth and sea, fire, light and air and all the products of earth and sea? Do you willingly share the gifts of God with your brothers? Are you diligent in praising the Lord? Do you fulfill God’s commandments as proof of your love for God? Look around and correct yourself. Look around how much misery, poverty, illness, groaning, misfortune, and various misfortunes are around you! You must dry the tears of the unfortunate as much as you can. June 11. Two and a half o'clock in the morning. Can't sleep. I committed a great sin yesterday by accepting dinner from the birthday boy, Father Alexander Taratin, and eating greedily, being hungry. It turned out that I ate beyond my needs, although I didn’t notice during dinner. There was a false appetite, and it could not be satisfied. It is better to stick to the rule: never have dinner and eat once a day, and then in moderation. Forgive me, Lord! First of all, I upset You, for I am Yours and not for myself, but for You, I must always live, although hitherto I lived for myself, the accursed one. I thank the Lord, who has given me the grace to celebrate Matins with great boldness and a triumphant spirit and the early Liturgy also with boldness. There were communicants. They all rejoiced greatly at communion. I had an exam. They responded well. After that, with Father Peter Al. The Klepachevskys went to the summer garden and drank a glass of wine at my expense. Then I visited one spiritual daughter, a communicant, the widow Evlampia Petrovna Shlyapnikova for a spiritual conversation. We went out of town to the grave. With God's help, he served the All-Night Vigil on Sunday successfully and with tenderness. I thank the Lord, who accepted my repentance in a disagreement with my wife before the all-night vigil over insults to my nephew from the servant Anna, insults of an extremely hostile and impudent nature without any guilt on the part of the nephew. For a long time I repented and begged the Lord, who allows Him to be begged. After the all-night vigil, a new insult to my nephew from Anna and my wife; For countless insults, I punished her with a light blow to her hair, which made her fall to the floor. She screamed with good obscenities, her wife stood up for her, because she herself had set her on her nephew, set her on him like an evil dog, and a quarrel, abuse, and mutual threats ensued; the wife gets into a quarrel, and the servants, taught by her, too. Trouble, and that's all. I went into solitude and began to pray, then I went for a walk on the wall to the sea to pray and repent, and I prayed and repented with faith, hope, with strength, with boldness, and the Lord had mercy. The basis of both prayers before and after the all-night vigil is the same: to forgive enemies, to pray for them (and prayed), for they do not know what they are doing, for sins have blinded the eyes of their hearts. I thank the Lord. Until my wife submits to me, I will not give her a high school salary or a candidate’s salary, or even a full mug. No respect, no obedience to her husband, no condescension: she screams and only curses, and justifies herself that she is pure in everything; insolence with disobedience and petrified insensibility. God! Softening evil and proud hearts! Soften the proud and angry heart of me, my wife and servant Anna. They are a terrible stumbling block to my spiritual feet. Plunge them into great sorrow, that their souls may be saved. (My wife sent Anyutka to the peace officer against me. What! As if they were right people!) My wife was eaten by anger, pride, envy, greed, self-interest! Let her go, let her go, Lord, I don’t know what he’s doing. A man in sin, in passion, is truly a madman, crazy, possessed; he himself does not understand what he is saying - the evil spirit in him speaks and acts, as in the pious the Spirit of God. June 12. I thank the Lord, who gave me a peaceful and peaceful sleep after yesterday’s storm at home and after my repentance to the Lord, brought with all my heart. “Husband, why do you know if you can save your wife?” [ 1 Corinthians 7:16 ]. First of all, I need to pray for my perishing and unrepentant wife, Elizabeth, who does not feel her sins; pray earnestly, so that she will not perish in her sins and in her petrification along with her magnificent and proud sister, who does not tolerate a single word of instruction, like my wife. Lord, God of mercy and generosity, save them, in the same way as you save me; do not allow them to perish soon for the increase of lawlessness, hatred, pride, disobedience, insolence, willfulness, greed, envy, untruth, but may they repent soon of these sins and others, [I pray] to You, the only all-good One, who loves His creation and does not want anyone to perish, but may everyone come to repentance. Amen. The Lord heard. June 12. I thank the Lord, who graciously despised the prayer of repentance and living faith and hope that I brought to Him at His throne in the precinct of the Apostles Peter and Paul before mass, when I was in cramped conditions, confusion, weakness, and mortal fear. The Lord soon revived my heart and my whole being: I felt it, calmed down, rejoiced, my heart expanded, and I went to the Duma Assumption Church in delight to serve mass. I served successfully by God’s [hasty] grace, I said the royal family by name, I read the prayer behind the pulpit perfectly, I delivered the sermon superbly with the addition of my own improvisation; collected money for the war; the dismissal said slowly all the way to the end, calling all the saints by name - both Saint Joseph the Songwriter and the Holy Blessed Prince Alexander Nevsky. Glory to the Lord, the conqueror of hell in me. June 12. How good it is to be girded around the loins with grace! “Let your loins be girded and your lamps burning” [Luke 12:35], that is, your hearts, says the Lord. Caring about everyday things, for example about money, is truly a thorn for our souls. Today I began to think about the significant amount of income that Archpriest Pavel V. Trachevsky was hiding from us and about removing us from the cathedral duties, which he performed alone, and I wanted to persuade the fellow priests to agree to withhold from the money glorified on the next church holiday a portion equal to the one appropriated by the archpriest at different times, and to divide it among the clergy, not including him. But this concern for the return of stolen money was a goring thorn for me; I suffered for a long time with this mental and heartfelt rigmarole. God sent me a good healing thought: “Do not avenge yourself, beloved, but give room to the wrath of God. For it is written: “Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,” says the Lord” [Rom.12:19]. And: “Let the unrighteous still do injustice; let the unclean one still become unclean.” Apocalypse 22:11. And it was relieved from my heart. We must despise insults and strictly maintain peace and love. The Lord, the righteous Judge, will it be sooner or later to exact punishment from the unrighteous. Corruption in countless forms approaches our hearts and extremely bores us daily and incessantly, it corrupts our hearts, cools us towards God and our neighbor, weakens us, darkens us, plunges us into despondency, laziness, and death. It takes a lot of struggle with prayer and fasting to overcome corruption and be inflamed with love for God. Today, during mass, by the grace of God, I broke the attacks of corruption and demonic abomination, especially at the great entrance, and said from the heart the names of the royal family, only I did not say the Empress Maria Alexandrovna; “In Your Kingdom” the enemy pulled out, as usual. The deep, irrefutable truth of the Gospel is proven by the fact that the agreement of our mind, heart and life with its rules always leads to calmness, joy, strength, strength and triumph of the spirit, and disagreement is accompanied by confusion, sorrow, tightness of spirit, relaxation and despondency. The Gospel is the source of the most fundamental, vital laws of humanity, it is a book for the truth of which one can [and should] in case of need joyfully suffer and die, and for which countless hosts of saints of every condition, rank, gender and age actually suffered and died. We, all followers of Christ, must try to actively carry into the depths of our minds and hearts and wills all the truths, rules and commandments of the Gospel, in order to be true, and not imaginary and hypocritical followers of the Lord, in order to walk in the promise of life, in order to “declare the praises of Him who called us out of darkness into His wonderful light” [1 Pet. 2:9], to become saints and heirs of the Kingdom promised to those who love the Lord. June 13. I thank the Lord, who made me worthy to perform the early Divine Liturgy in the Duma Assumption Church without stumbling, with tears of tenderness and fruitfully, life-giving, and to partake of the life-giving Mysteries into peace and joy. I thank the Lord, who mercifully accepted my repentance in grief and dissatisfaction with my wife, who refused to fix my shirt, and who changed the tightness of my heart into space, confusion into peace, sadness into joy. I thank the Lord, who gave me a good conversation with the small flock in Kudryavtsev’s house. June 14. I thank the Lord, who has brought about my wonderful salvation and renewal this day through the service of the liturgy and the communion of the Holy Mysteries, who has granted me tenderness with tears. So I am alive every day with the Lord, but without the Lord, if I am separated from Him even for a second through some sin of thought, heart, or will, I die and remain dead until I rise again through sincere repentance and prayer to the Lord, doing the truth. Glory to the Most Merciful Lord, who exists everywhere and fulfills everything, who saves everywhere and always, especially in church and especially during the liturgy. By communing with the Ageless Belly, I myself do not grow old. Wonderful in this is the Lord my God. But grant me, Lord, by Your grace to achieve an ageless life in the heavenly Fatherland after the end of my earthly, wandering career. To you, O priests, the Lord has entrusted humanity, which is suffering from sins, with this terrible disease that can destroy souls and bodies forever, and you have been given extraordinary grace to save yourself and others, and you must heal yourself day and night from sins, from the disease of corruption and human sins. So, don't sleep, don't doze. Shepherd the Lord's sheep, do not cling to earthly wealth, to earthly, fleeting glory, to earthly sweetness, beauty, to earthly joy. June 16. Thursday. I thank the Lord for the wonderful renewal of the life-giving Mysteries, of which I received communion while performing the liturgy for the healing of my soul and body, and for the great deliverance by the power of the same life-giving Mysteries from the violence of the malice of invisible enemies and from my evil habit, which extremely confused and oppressed me. The Lord, by sovereign power, destroyed all the villainy of the ethereal enemies, who maliciously incited me to enmity against the sexton for singing less stichera than he should have, instead of the sacrament. Subtle, quick, disastrous, terribly violent are the temptations of invisible enemies. Only living faith in the Lord crushes all their dirty tricks and delivers us from the violence of our passions. Glory to the Lord! Today my nephew Ivan Vasilyevich Fidelin was driven out by their atrocities, or better yet, by their satanically evil attacks, my wife and her sister Anna, a young widow, and alas! - orphan Tatiana Balykina, they ate it instead of bread. For peace of mind, he was forced to leave my rented apartment and leave me without help, because while living with me, he wisely helped me in many ways. Thy will be done in me, Lord. I will be separated, as Abraham once was separated from his nephew Lot, so that there will be no quarrel at home. A meek, but crooked and pockmarked, unattractive man like my nephew, my wife and her sister hated to the end and - alas! – servant Anna, an evil branch of the evil root. May it not be imputed to them, may the Lord enlighten the eyes of their hearts, especially those who hate stubbornly and viciously. Let him unceasingly reward them deeply, so that they may know and feel their sins and may they turn to God with tearful repentance. Once upon a time, at the instigation of the evil one, I did not tolerate his presence with me, although I did not express this in words and convinced myself of love and patience. And my plans included that over time, having fledged, he would move away from me. What good can we expect from my fashionistas who are raving about rich men, counts, princes and the like! Of course, they hate such a person, who is ignorant, and poor, and ugly, and supposedly has a claim to inheritance after me! But reward them, O Lord, according to their deeds. What they do will be for them, and so will be for her children; the mother's evil will be avenged on them. June 17. I thank the Lord, wonderful in His mercy and power, who has made me worthy to perform the Divine Liturgy without stumbling and to partake of the life-giving Mysteries without condemnation. I thank the Lord, who was quick to obey and who delivered me from the sinful sorrow and distress that befell me for being angry with the old woman Paraskeva Ivanovna Kovrigina for holding my hand twice while blessing her. I plunged into the abyss of God’s generosity in repentance and self-condemnation and was delivered from confusion and distress and received peace, boldness, strength, and sweetness of heart. God bless. I was in the apartment of Elena N. Kromido (prayer service). And henceforth, O Lord, do not forsake him who trusts in You, and all who trust in You. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the hellish sorrow and distress that befell me as a result of troubles with my wife and servant, the greedy old maid Anna, who viciously offended my nephew Ivan Vasilyevich Fidelin without number; hostility towards them struck my heart, I felt angry at them, and the culprit of all evil inflated in me evil and annoyance at the evil members of my household. But I repented for a long time and prayed to the Lord, may he destroy the evil in me and give me the strength to love my enemies, bless those who curse scoffers, and do good to those who hate us [Matthew 5:44]. Twice, the most merciful Lord solemnly and miraculously delivered me, and I calmed down and spread into my heart. After this he performed the christening magnificently, with the greatest zeal, without stumbling. Glory to the Lord! Soften the hearts of our enemies, Lord! June 18. I condemn myself for telling my neighbors and some of the strangers about the pride and malice of my sister-in-law Anna and my wife Elizabeth regarding my nephew and me and about moving him away from me as a result of their hatred to a special apartment. One should not speak ill of them, although they deserve it. But what is done cannot be undone. I forgot that it was said: “Retain your tongue from evil... Set, O Lord, a guard over my mouth and a door of protection over my lips” [Ps. 33:14, 140:3]. Forgive me, Lord! Deliver us, Lord, from eternal fire, which we have earned through our sins. For “everyone who is angry with his brother in vain is subject to judgment... and whoever says “fool” is subject to fiery hell, and he who hates his brother is a murderer” [Matthew 5:22; 1 John 3:15 ], and for murderers there is also fiery hell. Tremble, man, at the terrible and unwashed Judgment of God and repent, remain in tears, correct your evil life. Pray fervently for the salvation of yourself and other sinners. Gehenna is terrible. “God is not mocked” [Gal.6:7]. Do not wish Gehenna upon your most evil enemy, but pray to God for him with tears. For evil and unrighteous enemies condemn themselves to Gehenna, although they do not think about it. Always respond to evil with love. “Do not imitate evil, but imitate good” [3 John 1:11]. “Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good” [Rom.12:21]. What a wise, saving rule! How beneficial it is at one time both for the one against whom they have evil, and for the one who has evil against the other, if only they both want to take advantage of this wise and saving rule and also the following: “love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who oppress you and persecute you” [Matthew 5:44]. And for such behavior we will be given the honorable, glorious name of sons of the Heavenly Father. How can one not act as the Gospel, the living and saving voice of the Savior of the human race, says? From now on, grant me to always behave this way! Do not give place to the devil, that is, do not give place to malice, envy, pride, fornication, swearing, gluttony, drunkenness and other sins. We ourselves are increasing the fire. After the mass of the widow Iv. Ivanov, it was the second time that I felt extremely difficult, however, generally after funeral dinners. We must get into the taste of prayer at home, temporary or permanent, and worship, otherwise prayer will not bring us any tangible benefit. And it’s like that in everything. I saw in a dream that I was the abbot and I received a decree about the abbotship and that I should move to the abbot’s apartment. The archpriest has a blank secret door upstairs (on the tower), and it’s as if he’s alive, he hasn’t died. This is nonsense! Anyutka the servant, the old maid, is a merciless, impudent, evil executioner for my nephew Ivan Vasilyevich Fidelin, and the real tormentors who order her to scourge and torture him are my wife and her sister, the young widow Anna Tsvetkova. May the Lord, the righteous Judge, reward them. He who chases insignia is chasing a shadow, having the thing itself, or what am I saying? – He who chases after insignia chases after a shadow, does not have the thing itself, that is, does not have true faith, does not have Christ in his heart, living and abiding with the Father and the Holy Spirit; For this reason, Christ Himself is not as dear as the material image of the cross, and moreover, since it is a visible decoration and as a reminder of Christ’s immeasurable love for us, for which Christ suffered and died a painful and most blasphemous death. And whoever has Christ Himself within him, for him Christ Himself is a reward and he will not seek corruptible crosses. Saying: “May God, through the prayers of the holy, glorious, all-praised apostle and evangelist NN, give you the word”... have in your soul great zeal for the word of God, desiring with all your might and praying to God, that it may influence with great power the hearts of all listeners; also, when speaking litanies, exclamations at daytime services: vespers, matins, masses or funerals, speak with great zeal and strength, trusting in the immeasurable mercy of God and in the bounty of God. Evil demons usually make you doubt, fear, and despair in the mercy of God. This is their business, and you have greater hope than hope that God’s mercy cannot be defeated by any of our or demonic malice. I repent to the Lord that I again spoke about the malice of my family and in anger at them to strangers who came to me, and thereby violated my love for my neighbor. Forgive me, Lord! I leave all indignation and resentment to them, considering myself guilty of all their evil. I thank You, Lord, for Thou hast worthily and righteously judged me and my nephew to suffer sin from them for our sake, Love for Mankind! Amen. Glory to You, who accepts my small repentance and destroys my sins. “Forgive us our debts, as we also forgive our debtors” [Matthew 6:12]. May I not instill in the heart of my nephew the slightest hostility towards his aunt, my wife, and towards my sister-in-law and towards Anna, the evil servant, but I instill in him to love his enemies, bless those who curse and scold, do good to those who hate and pray for those who expel him. Wake up! June 18. I thank the Lord, who usually had mercy on me more than hope with the greatest mercy, when in the oppression of sin I cried out to Him with sincere repentance before the liturgy in the Trinity Cemetery Church. He served the liturgy at the conciliar and first place with grace, tenderness, with many tears and with much inspiration, without stumbling, victoriously. Also a memorial service and a litiya (the last one at the grave). June 18. Sunday. After early mass in the Duma Church. Before the liturgy and during the entire liturgy, I felt confusion, sorrow and tightness in my soul, both as a result of yesterday’s gluttony and satiety at Ivan Ivanov’s funeral (yesterday I had a headache after a day’s sleep), and also as a result of my wife’s anger at me, with whom I did not make peace in the evening and to whom I did not give the mug money and salary for six months on time). I gave it this morning. My soul was paralyzed by pitiful death, the enemy was devouring it. However, the prayer of repentance from a contrite and painful heart helped me a lot: I felt how the mortal nets were dissolved in me and the rivets of hell were crushed and divine life shone in my heart. But then the enemy again fought hard and won at some exclamations (during the commemoration of the highest persons at the great entrance), “Remember first, Lord”... at the prayer behind the pulpit and at the saying of dismissal. After consuming the Holy Gifts he became more animated. Glory to the Lord! Yesterday, after mass and a memorial service outside the city for Ivan Ivanov, at the end of the litany, the ethereal enemy confused me and almost confused me with the pity of the good kamilavka that was on my head so that it would not fade from the sunlight - and this at the grave, where it is so loudly preached by the deed itself about the corruption of everything earthly: our bodies, and our deeds, and our earthly decorations, all utensils, decorations and our jewelry, and about one thing that is needed - about the salvation of the soul and about good deeds. But in time I raised the eyes of my heart to the Lord, and the enemy was repelled from my heart, I loudly uttered a cry and dismissed. I thank the Lord. At the apartment he served the lithium with dignity, without stumbling. I thank the Lord. 11 3/4 hours after midnight. I thank the Lord for a peaceful, calm, strong, sweet, life-giving sleep after labors and spiritual struggles and cramps before and during mass and after communion of the Holy Mysteries. From 5 to 12 and from 12 to 18 June the circles were small: 12 and 11 rubles for our sins, but the salary from the Duma [reinforced], (helped) and the annual commemoration of Mikhail and Olga, the servants of God (Semyonovs). Soon Ivan Ivanov will be given away for 40 years. We thank the all-generous God. Yesterday during the all-night vigil, Father Peter Klepachevsky read the Gospel with the greatest errors, pronouncing many words incorrectly, either against the emphasis, or without pronouncing them. It is noticeable that he drank quite a lot of wine at the wake and did not have time to sober up. The weakness of spirit and body was noticeable in the exclamations: he spoke sluggishly, not from the heart. May the Lord enlighten us. And I was [...] and upset the Lord, Whom I was honored to receive so clearly, life-giving during the liturgy outside the city in the cemetery church. June 20. I thank the Lord, who gave me the grace to perform a prayer service in Rambov at the dacha of Mr. Alexander Karlovich Betticher, a mechanical engineer, son-in-law of the court archpriest Ilya Petrovich Nikolsky (which is located at the church in Konyushennaya). I thank the Lord, who gave me the grace, through my prayer, to perform the farewell rite over the sick, elderly, paralyzed teacher in the apartment of captain-lieutenant Neelov in the first wing, that is, confession, communion and unction. The ethereal enemy overthrew me in some places, but then I was again corrected by God’s help and read everything well; but in the end the enemy was overthrown by his addiction to money, by the thought of money, how much they would give for his work, and I did not immediately try to overcome the enemy with repentance, spiritual reasoning and the help of God, and I hurried, took leave, after which I felt very confused, cramped, and unwell. O me, damned fool! I did not follow the word of God: “Seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these (external blessings) will be added to you” [Matthew 6:33]. Right. Working with all my heart in the service of the Lord, I will always be rewarded from the Lord in abundance with all external blessings, according to His word: “all these will be added to you.” And serving with a divided heart, firstly, my heart falls away from God and attracts sinful, painful, terrible death into myself, and at the same time I often lose external blessings. “Sorrow, sorrow, send us, Lord,” the righteous sometimes cry, knowing what good they bring to souls infected with the filth and abomination of sin. Sorrows have come to us, for they, like gold in a furnace, purify souls, eat away the rust of sin on souls, renew, sanctify, strengthen. That is why it is said: “We must through many tribulations enter the Kingdom of God” [Acts 14:22]. The abomination of various worldly addictions constantly defiles the soul and destroys it, darkening, confusing, oppressing, depriving it of boldness, separating it from the source of life - God. And how difficult this separation is! How tedious! But we will still not learn to love God undividedly with all our hearts, having completely abandoned love for our sinful flesh and everything that it loves: from addiction to corruptible beauty, to corruptible food and drink, to corruptible unclean pleasures, to corruptible glory. We do not know our own worth, O people, we do not know the greatness of the image and likeness of God in us, and we consider our soul to be nothing, we sell it every day, sometimes for sweet food and drink, for money, for honors. Especially we, priests, do not realize our worth, our highest purpose to propitiate, purify, sanctify and save, and are busy with empty things. Christians, especially priests, on earth must lead a heavenly life, must think about heavenly things, and not about earthly things (what are we thinking, undertaking, doing?), must strive for eternal life through fasting, vigil, prayer, charity, cleanliness, and labor. Meanwhile, we have become extremely fussy and have loved the temporary instead of the eternal, the perishable instead of the incorruptible, the heavy instead of the light, the physical instead of the spiritual, the coarse instead of the subtle, sins instead of virtue, carnal, coarse pleasures instead of grace-filled, heavenly pleasures, earthly crowns instead of heavenly crowns, earthly glory, earthly wealth instead of the riches of grace. June 21. If you, man, remembered how many sins you have, what an uncountable multitude, how much abomination, wickedness, malice, envy, greed, fornication, absurd and humiliating intemperance and other sins are in you, then you would not look at yourself and admire yourself, as you often do. Look better into your heart, what is happening in it, what it is like, how unclean and stinking it is, and not at your face, not at the shape of your clothes, at this decay. June 21. Apparently for my gluttony and for my frequent insult to the Spirit of grace by my intemperance, and, moreover, after such frequent communion of the Holy Mysteries, God allowed me today at mass to doubt - oh, horror! - in the Divinity of the Holy Spirit (and therefore to be shaken in the soul, to be confused and to be wounded by the evil one in the most important and solemn moments of the Divine Liturgy!), regardless of the verbs of the Word and the Divine Spirit in the Old and New Testaments, from the testimonies of the holy apostles, the holy Ecumenical and Local Councils, from the teachings of the holy fathers, the testimonies of countless martyrs, the venerable and righteous and all saints, from the countless powers of the Holy Spirit, manifested in the universe and manifested, manifested and personally in me. From the above-mentioned circumstance that happened to me, that is, that doubt in the Divinity of the Holy Spirit killed my spirit, it is clear that the Holy Spirit is my breath, my life, my strength, my light, my purification, my shrine, my peace, my boldness. Have mercy on me, O Divine Soul, for you have angered me many times, saddened by my intemperance, my greed, envy, my love of money, my fornication and other countless sins, and give me the grace to henceforth beware of all sin. I thank the Lord, who gave me the grace of revival in my sinful deadness through the intercession of His Most Pure Mother, to whom I inwardly fervently prayed while reading the kathismas at Matins, pronouncing with my heartfelt lips “The highest of heaven and the purest of sunny lordships” to the end. After this, I read the canons of Octoechos (Tuesday) and Menaion with great boldness and strength. He also served Mass loudly, in a clear, strong voice, although the enemy bent me like a sapling. I thank the Lord, who revived me, killed by sins, after receiving the Holy Mysteries. Give me, Lord, the grace to remain in sanctity and to learn the truth, Thy righteousness, all day long, cutting off all the attacks of manifold sin. Leave from me this old charm of sin and fill me with faith, hope and love. Wake up! Sin is the most terrible evil in the world and for the one who commits it, it is the greatest punishment, the most severe scourge, as everyone has experienced it himself. Therefore, never take revenge on the one who offends you, but generously endure the insult, remembering that the one who offends you first of all and more offends himself than you, although it seems that he does not suffer harm, and, moreover, God is a righteous avenger of the offender. “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord” [Rom.12:19]. Teach me, Lord, to always overcome evil with good, remembering that the beginning of evil in man and the continuation of evil comes from the leader of evil - the devil, and man is his most pathetic instrument. Grant, Lord, to all evil people, including me, to come to a sense of their evils, to hate evil and not to do evil (kindness) neither mentally, nor in feeling, nor in intention, nor in word, nor in deed. June 23. For the sake of the all-powerful prayers of our Lady Theotokos, whom we glorified in songs yesterday at the all-night vigil, the Lord sent thunder and lightning with heavy rain in the morning at six o’clock. There hasn't been a thunderstorm for a long time. There is a thunderstorm for us, but grace for the earth, an abundance of fruits. Glory to Thee, Lord! June 25. Since the divine service of our Holy Church is not only public doxology, thanksgiving and petition and the sacrament of the saving Sacraments of God for all the faithful, but also a school of faith and piety and, in a sense, the history of faith and piety, then in it, as in the Gospel, we often cite as proof of the divinity and salvific nature of our faith and the writings of the Old Testament, prophecies and psalms (the history of faith and piety), [sections from] teaching books - thus, worship constitutes the most diverse, wise, living and most pleasant fabric of the Spirit of God; it teaches, enlightens, corrects, purifies, heals, renews, enlivens, [creates], elevates the spirit, adores, highly consoles and generally miraculously educates Christian souls in all virtues through the grace of the Holy Spirit, establishing and establishing the Kingdom of God in them, guiding them to eternal life and imparting to them the gift of sonship. In the writings of the Old and New Testaments, in sacred readings and chants, especially in the canons and lives of saints, the Church presents living examples of all virtues that cheer the souls of listeners and strongly encourage imitation. Worship is the expression by verbal beings before the highest Being of their reverence, surprise, gratitude, fear, love, glorification and various needs of theirs with prayer for their satisfaction. The worship of the Orthodox Church, in fact, is the reverent glorification of the Creator, Provider and Savior with the remembrance of His wonderful deeds for our prosperity and salvation, through the consecrated servants of the altar of the Lord, the expression of heartfelt gratitude for countless benefits, especially for salvation in Christ God from sin, curse and death, the humble expression of our many different needs with prayer for their fulfillment. The divine service expresses the entire fate of humanity from its beginning to the end of the century, it expresses, on the one hand, all the greatness of the image of God in man, on the other, all the corruption of sin, all of his weaknesses, his awareness of this corruption and this weakness; in the divine service the best of humanity expressed itself in all its nakedness, with all frankness, without hiding its left side. Therefore, it is impossible not to love divine services, just as it is impossible not to love yourself. And everyone who sincerely relates to themselves, to their soul and to their flesh, loves divine services with all their souls and loves to be present at them. Spiritual hearing is needed by those entering the church and standing in it during worship. “Have ears to hear and let him hear” [Matthew 11:15], says the Lord. Without spiritual hearing, service can remain fruitless for the soul - you need a spiritual mind, a heart cleansed by repentance from worldly passions. 25. I thank the Lord, who heard me quickly, who cried out to Him in repentance in the apartment of Nikolai Mikhailovich Semenov before the all-night vigil, when I was angry with the sexton Zrelov for smoking tobacco in the room before the all-night vigil, and above all in envy regarding [...]. The Lord soon accepted sincere repentance during the sorrow and cramped and confused state of my soul and gave me freedom and peace. However, I struggled and cried about my sins during the all-night vigil at home, and this bowed the Lord with the prayers of the Lady to mercy and help me. During the all-night vigil, he overcame his ethereal enemies by the grace of God and the mercy of the Lady. I praise the Lord! Before the strong thunderstorm and pouring rain, I felt very lethargic and weak today. The thunderstorm began at nine o'clock in the evening, and it rained like buckets. Glory to Thee, Lord! Glory to Thee, all-merciful Lady Theotokos! For the sake of Your prayers there was such grace in the soul, in the body, in nature. June 26. Today I was terribly tempted by the devil for gluttony and drunkenness. Came to serve early mass. A simple woman with a child asked for the fortieth prayer, I didn’t want to; I was upset with her and despised her in my heart. The devil was happy about this - and he entered my heart and began to torment me, oppress me and burn me with anger and confuse me, irritate me; Every trifle began to irritate me: I was offended by the watchman, I was offended by the father deacon, but I was reconciled. I suffered throughout mass and could not get rid of my tormentor. Dignified and righteous! Don’t be angry in advance, but be meek, kind, and patient. The word of Saint Ephraim the Syrian spoke. And that's good! I'm in trouble because I'm fed up! I need very little food and drink, but I eat and drink like a child. Some days I don’t need to eat at all. I am an idolater, my idol is the womb. Oh, how I have grieved the Spirit of God and Christ my Lord. And which time?! - No number. And the Lord endures everything. 27. Glory and eternal thanksgiving to the Holy Spirit, the life-giving Lord for all the benefits He poured out to my accursed and poor and humble soul, together with the flesh, its ally; I thank you for all the wonderful revivals of her, for all the countless saving changes in her that followed the disastrous state of sin, from which His all-effective, all-saving grace always graciously saved me, breathing into me the consciousness of the feeling of sin, contrition, tenderness, flowing life-giving tears from my eyes; I thank the Lord for the wonderful enlightenment of my soul, for the outpouring of love for the Lord and for His people, for the heavenly bliss that He gave me to taste here on earth, in the church of God and in prayerful communication with the faithful; I thank the Lord, the Life-Giving One, who every day mortifies my passions and my death through repentance and prayer; I thank you for the very faith, hope and love that He breathed into me every day and which He did not deprive me of, like senseless cattle, for the multitude of sins and worldly addictions. Thank you for every gift of grace. Grant me, Holy Soul, Life-Giving Lord, together with the Father and the Son, to always breathe and live. Amen. I thank the Lord, who delivered me yesterday in the city of Oranienbaum from the unclean, destructive sting of carnal lust. “Do not turn my heart into the words of wickedness, do not bear the guilt of sins” [Ps. 141:4]. What does it mean: “not to bear the guilt of sins”? This means not craftily inventing excuses for sins. We are all guilty of this. Every day we commit a thousand sins and as many times we slyly excuse ourselves, saying that it’s nothing, it’s not a problem, it’s not a sin, that everyone does it, like me, or very many. For example, we work on the stomach every day, making it our idol, we feast on it, we become satiated, we get drunk and we think to ourselves: this is nothing; we play cards, get excited, quarrel, kill time, forgetting the most important matter of salvation, bought for us at such a price, and we say to ourselves: it’s nothing, or: after all, I’m not the only one doing this, but everyone is doing this or very many. And so are quite many. Prayer enlightens, ennobles the face of the person praying and sometimes makes it like the face of an Angel. For this, glory to God, who unites with man who believes and is devoted to his Creator with all his heart. 28. I thank the Lord, who surprised me with the miracles of His mercy, benevolence, and His power, when I cried out to Him with faith in repentance in the fire, sorrow and oppression of sin, upset at the father of the archpriest for his untruth regarding the distribution of parts of the city for glorification on St. Peter’s Day, and then at the servant Anna for not opening the doors for a long time; He revived, reconciled, [forgave] me the Lord with His grace, the Holy Spirit, forgave and covered my sins, turned sorrow into joy. It was not in vain that I plunged myself into the abyss of His mercy, His condescension, His power, His forgiveness, His healing, His truth, holiness, into the abyss of His omnipresence, His ever-present, His simplicity. I praise the Lord. This is the third time today He saved me from sinful death. He committed the greatest madness, impudence before God and the Holy Church, that he drank milk (fasting) in the evening after the all-night vigil, and a lot of it (two glasses), with black bread, having been full earlier. This greatly burdened myself, disfigured me morally and physically, and at first I walked with difficulty in the Engineering Garden, then, after taking a nap on a bench, I began to walk cheerfully and briskly; slept poorly at night due to extreme fullness and tightness in the sides; my face was swollen in the morning from [excessive] amounts of milk. I also repent, damned one, and ask for forgiveness for not keeping the fast, for being satiated, for getting drunk, and for stealing my own salvation, and for not saving others. I wrote on the morning of June 29th. Today I don't have to eat all day. The rotten air of St. Petersburg has a bad effect on me: I become sickly and irritable (ache, pain in my leg). Due to the pain, I drank milk, but it turned out wrong, too nutritious. June 29. Woe to me, it was hard for me today during early mass: cramped conditions, sorrow, embarrassment, thorns inside, pain tormented me and tore me apart in parts. The sexton was a little mistaken, I was angry, embarrassed, worried, and all because of gluttony and satiety. It's a shame that I didn't fast during Peter's six-week fast - I would have eaten bread and drank water. Until now, the nausea has not left me; after communion it was good for me, although the enemy soon upset me with grief at the sexton for absurd and hasty singing, and again I stumbled; I didn’t say the whole thing behind the pulpit, I didn’t say all the release. June 30. Our archpriest, Father Pavel Vasilyevich Trachevsky, behaves excellently both during the service (especially mass) and in society, evenly, calmly, importantly without pride, good-naturedly and with dignity; he jokes with many, but does not insult; he slanderes, remarks, jokes at the deacons, but does not insult. His service flows surprisingly smoothly, he does not stumble, does not rush, does not hesitate, does not remain silent. General troparion for the monks. Sy (Church Glorious) is one of the names of God, truly (really) existing, abiding, eternal. Ependite (Greek) – clothing, cloak. Imagine (Church Glav.) – take on an image; from the dirge chants. Degree (Church Slav.) – an elevated place where in ancient times officials of the highest administration sat; job title. Prayer 4 of the Sequence of Prayers for Holy Communion. “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ... who has begotten us again through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead to a living hope, to an inheritance incorruptible, undefiled, and unfading, reserved in heaven for you” (1 Peter 1:3–4). Wednesday (Church Slavic) – middle, center. To ascend (church glory) – to rise, to ascend.