Слово 91

(1) Thanks be to God for the benefits received from Him; about spiritual prayer and success in it; about divine illumination, about undeceptive contemplation and about love for God. 1. I thank You, Master, Lord of heaven and earth, that from the creation of the world You predestined for me to come from non-existence into being. I thank You and worship You, All-Holy King, that before my birth, You, the only immortal, the only omnipotent, the only good and philanthropic one, descended from Your holy heights to earth, became incarnate and was born of the Holy Virgin, in order to recreate me, to revive me, to free me from my ancestral sin and to prepare for my ascension to heaven. Then, when I was born and grew up a little, You renewed me by rebirth in Holy Baptism, clothed me with the robe of grace of the Holy Spirit, gave me a bright Guardian Angel, and until I came to perfect age, You kept me unharmed from all evil and from all the snares of the devil. But just as You righteously decreed that we, the rational ones, should be saved not by any coercion or violence, but by arbitrary choice and decision, You left me too to show in myself the honor of autocracy, so that through the fulfillment of Your commandments I would show my spontaneous love for You. But I, careless and ungrateful, thought that the dignity of autocracy is the same permission as an unreasonable animal is freed from its fetters; why, as soon as I felt permission, I withdrew from the dominion of Your power and plunged myself into the ditch of many evils. Despite all this, however, that I was in that deepest ditch insensible and suffered great injuries, You did not turn away from me and did not leave me to wallow forever in this filth, but, by the compassion of Your mercy, you took me out of there and honored me even more, with Your inscrutable destinies, delivering me from kings and leaders who wanted to turn me to serving worldly and everyday benefits, not letting me go to be carried away by the gifts of gold and silver, although I am a lover of money, and disposed to despise, as an abomination, the glory and honor of this life that were given to me, instead of acquiring Your holiness. But I, having counted all Your good deeds towards me as nothing (I confess this to You, Lord of heaven and earth), again plunged myself, poor thing, into a ditch and the impurity of bad thoughts and deeds - and when I fell again this time, I fell into the power of mental robbers, from whose hands not only I alone could not free myself, but if the whole world had gathered, then he could not free me. But You, kind-hearted and humane Lord, did not tolerate me remaining in this ditch in a pitiful state, being miserably dragged along and ridiculed by these enemies, not remembering my bad things, not turning away from my indecent disposition and not allowing me to be tormented for a long time by those murderers; and although I, being held captive by them, was glad that I was insensitive, but You, Master, could no longer watch them make ugly spectacles of me and, to my shame, drag me here and there, but took pity on me and showed your mercy to me, not an Angel, and not a man, sending to me, damned and sinful, but Himself, moved by the wombs of goodness Yours, bowed down to that deepest ditch and extended Your most pure hand to me, who, being immersed in the depths of that mud, did not see You, for how could I open my eyes and see, being drowned in that filth and absorbed by it? So you took me by the hair of my head, that is, you enlightened my thoughts, and, pulling with great effort, you pulled me out of there. I felt attracted and understood that I was going up, but I didn’t know at all who I was being attracted to, or who was holding me and lifting me up. After You took me up from that crony and, placing me on the ground, handed me over to one servant and disciple of Yours, all defiled, whose lips, ears, and eyes were filled with filth. But I, despite the fact that I came to earth, still did not see You who You are; I only learned one thing, that You are someone good and humane, who rescued me from the deepest ditch of all impurities. But You, having told me: cleave to this man and follow him, because he will lead you to the springs and wash you there, and having given me firm faith in him, you withdrew and went away, I don’t know where. I, All-Holy Master, at Your command, without looking back, followed the one whom You showed me. With great difficulty, he led me to the sources, that is, to the Divine Scriptures and Thy divine commandments, and I, like a blind man, grasping him from behind with the hand of faith in him, which You gave me, forced myself to follow him. At the same time, as if he had seen well, he raised his feet and stepped over stones, ditches and any stumbling blocks that came along the way; I stumbled over stones and fell into ditches, and endured much toil, sorrow and troubles. He washed himself in every spring and stream, and washed himself every hour, and I, who did not see well, passed most of them like this. For when he did not take me by the hand, did not draw me to the source and did not guide the hands of my mind, then I could not even find the stream of water where it was. And again, when he led me to the stream and left me alone to wash myself with clean water, many times along with the water I also grabbed the rubbish that happened there near the source, maybe sometimes I grabbed handfuls of dirty stuff and thus soiled my face. It happened more than once that, while looking for a stream or well of water, I pushed down all kinds of rubbish, earth and clay and disturbed the water, but when I saw nothing at all, then, washing without fear, I stained my face with mud, thinking that I was washing it with clean water. Oh! Where can I tell all the troubles that I experienced again from this? Where can I describe also how much evil I suffered from those who advised me and said every day: that you are working in vain, stupid, and that you will follow this deceiver and seducer, and that you are suffering uselessly and in vain, waiting to see the light? What you desire cannot be achieved in present times. Why should you follow him, tearing and bleeding only your feet? Why don’t you go to the merciful and compassionate people who ask you to come to them, promising to give you good rest, nourishment and healing? For in these times it is impossible for you to get rid of mental leprosy and gain your sight. And where did this deceiving old man come from as such a miracle worker and promise you such things that are impossible for people of the current generation? Woe to you, that you will lose the peace with all the blessings that compassionate people, lovers of Christ and brotherly lovers, promise you, and the sorrows and hardships that you endure, you will endure with vain hope, having received nothing of what this deceiver and seducer promises you. What can he do to you? Can’t you really judge this yourself, even if we haven’t talked about it? Well, can’t we all see? Or are we blind, as this one in delusion tells you? Truly we see everything, do not be deceived. There is no other vision that would be better than the one we have. But You, merciful and gracious God, delivered me from all these erring seducers, who, according to the Prophet, intoxicate their friends with muddy corruption (Hab. 2:15), by the power of faith and hope You gave me. With them You strengthened me to endure all this and much more. So, while I endured all this and did not miss a single day so as not to wash myself or wash myself with water, as Your Apostle and disciple taught me, one day, when I was running to a source of water, You met me on the way, again the same as before who brought me out of uncleanness. Here for the first time You flashed into my weak eyes the pure radiance of Your divine face - and I immediately lost that little light that I thought I had, unable to recognize You. And how was it possible for me to see You and know who You were, when I could not even see or understand the very radiance of Your face? “From then on, You, most condescending, deigned to come to me more often, while I was standing at the source, took my head and immersed it in the water, and gave me to see the light of Your face more often—and immediately flew away, becoming invisible and not letting me understand who You were who did this, where you came from and where you were going—just as You still do not let me understand this. Coming to me in this way and departing for quite a long time, You gradually appeared to me more and more clearly, washed me more and more with Your waters and granted me to see the light more and more purely, more and more abundantly. Having done this for me for a long time, You finally allowed me to see some terrible sacrament. Once, when You came, watered and washed me, as it seemed to me, with waters and repeatedly immersed me in them, I saw lightning flashing over me, and rays from Your face mixing with the waters, and, seeing how we were washed by the most luminous and brilliant waters, I went into a frenzy. How it happened and why, and who the giver of this was, he did not know - only, being washed, he rejoiced, growing in faith, inspired by hope and soaring with contemplation even to heaven. I hated those deceivers who spoke false and seductive words to me greatly, and although I regretted them because of their delusion, I did not want to enter into conversation with them and ran away from meeting with them, considering even one view of them harmful. And before my holy helper and helper, I mean, Your disciple and Apostle, I revered and revered him as You Yourself, my Creator, loved him from the bottom of my heart, fell at his feet day and night, and asked him to help me as much as he could, being confident that he could do whatever he wanted with You. Having spent so much time with Your grace, I again saw another terrible sacrament. I saw that You, having taken me, ascended to heaven, taking me up with You - I don’t know, however, whether You took me there in the body, or apart from the body, You alone know that you did this. After I had been there with You for a contented hour, marveling at the greatness of the glory (whose glory it was and what it was, I don’t know), I went into a frenzy from its immeasurable height and trembled all over. But You again left me alone on the ground on which I stood before. Having come to my senses, I found myself crying and marveling at my sorrowful impoverishment. Then, a little later after I fell down, You deigned to show me the mountain that opened in the heavens, Your face like the sun, without image or form. However, even then You did not let me know who You were. For how could I know You when You did not tell me anything, but immediately disappeared? I was looking for You, Whom I did not know, strongly desiring to see Your image and to know more precisely who You are. Why did I always cry from a strong desire for You and from fiery love for You, not knowing who You are, who brought me from non-existence into existence, took me out of the abyss of sin and became for me everything that I said before. So, you often appeared to me again and again, without saying anything, you hid and did not show yourself again. But I, seeing in the waters, as I had seen before, the lightning and glitter of Your face that surrounded me, which, however, I could not grasp, I often remembered how I once saw You on grief, and, thinking in my ignorance that he was different, I searched and sought with tears to see You. When, finally, overwhelmed by sadness and grief, I completely forgot myself, and the whole world, and everything in the world, keeping absolutely nothing of everything visible on my mind; then You appeared again, invisible, intangible, elusive. I felt then that You were purifying my mind, opening the eyes of my soul more expansively and allowing me to see Your glory more abundantly, and that You Yourself were increasing more and more and expanding more and more with brilliance, and it seemed to me that with the removal of darkness You were drawing closer and closer, as we often experience in sensory things. For when the moon is shining and the clouds are running, driven by the wind, then it seems that the moon is running faster, although in reality it is not running any faster than its usual course. Thus, O Lord, it seemed to me that You, motionless, are coming, unchangeable - increasing, having no image - accepting an image. For as it happens with a blind man, little by little he gets used to seeing and clearly grasping the whole image of a person, or the whole outline of a human body, and little by little he paints it in himself as he is - just as, I say, the image of a man in a blind man does not change or be altered in his eyes, but the eyes of a blind man, becoming more and more purified, finally see the image of a man as he is, when the whole likeness of the image of a man is outlined in these eyes, and through them passes into the mind and is drawn in the memory of a person, as on a board, so You, when you completely cleared my mind, appeared to me clearly in the light of the Holy Spirit, and as my mind saw You more clearly and purer, it seemed to me that You seemed to come out from somewhere, appear brighter and allow me to see the features of Your imageless image. Then You made me come out of this world, it seems to me, I will say this, and out of my body, because You did not allow me to understand this with precision. But You shone excessively and, as it seemed to me, appeared entirely in me, all who saw good. When I asked You, saying: O Master, who are You? - then for the first time You made me, the prodigal, worthy to hear Your sweetest voice, and spoke to me so sweetly and meekly that I went into a frenzy, was amazed and trembled, thinking to myself and saying: how glorious and how brilliant! How and why did I receive such benefits? “You told me: I am God, made man, out of love for you.” Since you have sought Me with all your soul, from now on you will be My brother, and friend, and joint heir. Hearing this, I trembled all over, all my strength dried up and my soul almost left. Having come to my senses a little, I answered: and who am I, Lord, and what good have I done, accursed and poor, that You merit me with such blessings and make me a sharer and joint heir of Your glory, keeping in mind that this glory and joy are beyond all understanding? “But you, my Lord Christ, said to me again: I speak to you as to each other, through the Holy Spirit, who speaks to you together with Me.” I gave you this for your will and faith alone, and I will give you even more than this. For you, who were created by Me naked, except for your own will, what else do you have, or have you ever had that is actually yours, so that I would accept it from you and instead give it to you? However, if you do not completely renounce the body, you will not see what is perfect and cannot receive it all here. - When I said to this: Lord! And what else is more brilliant or higher than this? It is enough for me to be in such glory even after death. “Then You answered me again: Your soul is too small, O man, when you are content with only such good things.” For it, in comparison with the future, is like someone who drew the sky on paper and held it in his hands: as much as the drawn sky differs from the true one, so much, or incomparably more, does the future glory differ from the one you see now. You said this and fell silent, and little by little You, my sweetest and kind Lord, disappeared from my eyes. And I don’t know whether I have moved away from you, or You have moved away from me. However, I thought that I had come from somewhere and entered my home, and then I completely came to my senses. After this, remembering the beauty of Your glory and Your words, Master, I cried - both when I walked, and when I sat, and when I ate, and when I drank, and when I prayed - and I had inexpressible joy that I knew You, the Creator of all things. And how could I not be happy? “However, then sadness came—sadness that I haven’t seen You for a long time.” But when, strongly desiring to see You again, I one day went to venerate the holy icon of Your Most Pure Mother and fell to her, begging her, You, before I got up, appeared inside my poor heart, making it all light. Then I knew that I truly have You within me. From that time on, I began to love You, not from memory alone, that is, not only from the fact that I remembered You and Your glory, but from the fact that I truly believed that I have You within me, hypostatic Love, for true love is You, God. When in this way hope was planted in faith, rejoiced in repentance and tears, illuminated by Your own light, took root and grew in goodness, then You came, good artist and worker, with the knife of temptation, that is, humility, cut off the unnecessary shoots of thoughts that had risen high up, and grafted Your holy love onto a single hope, like a root in a tree. And I, seeing how this love grows day by day and always converses with me, or, better to say, seeing how through it You teach me, illuminate and enlighten me, I rejoice and am glad, as having already surpassed all faith and hope, as Paul says: for if any man seeth, he also trusteth (Rom. 8:24). So, if I have You, what more can I hope for? And You told me again, Master: listen, what do you hope for? Just as when you see the sun in the water, you don’t see the sun itself, because then you look down, so understand what happens in you; shut yourself up and try to always see Me purely and clearly within yourself, like the sun in clear water. By doing this, you will then be worthy to see Me after death, as I predicted to you. If you do not do this, then all your deeds and labors, and these words, will not bring you any benefit, but on the contrary, they will serve to increase your condemnation and cause you greater sorrow, for, as you hear in Scripture, the mighty will be more severely tortured (Wis. 6:6). Poverty does not cause such sadness and shame to one who is poor from the very beginning of his birth, what shame and what sadness it causes to one who was once rich and famous, and in friendship with the king, then fell asleep from all this and came to complete poverty. This also happens in the spiritual order of things, although earthly and visible affairs do not flow exactly the same way as spiritual and invisible ones. Those who have lost, for example, the friendship of the king of the earth for any reason, can keep their property with them, use it and live. But whoever gives up on My love and friendship, it is impossible for him to live. He is immediately stripped of all his blessings and given over as slaves to My enemies and his, who, as soon as they accept him, rush at him with extreme fury and brutality, because of his former love for Me. So, All-Holy Master, this truly happens. And I believe in You, my God, and, falling down, I beg You: save me, a sinner and unworthy, You, who have shown Your mercy to me, and the sprout of Your love, which You have grafted onto the tree of my hope, strengthen with Your strength, so that the winds do not shake it, the storm does not break it, enemies do not kidnap it, and the fire of negligence does not scorch it and dry it up. soaring of the mind will not completely destroy vanity. You, who gave it to me, know that for the sake of this sprout of Your love I remained helpless from every person, since You removed my helper and co-worker and Your Apostle from me physically, as You desired. You know my weakness, you know poverty and complete powerlessness. For this reason, have mercy on me from now on, O most gracious Lord. I fall to You with all my heart and I beg You, do not leave me to my will, You who have given me so many blessings. But take my soul into Thy love, and root love for You in it, so that You may be in me, and I in You, according to Your comforting, holy and unfaithful promise, - may Your love cover me, and I cover and cherish it in myself, - may You look at me with love, and may I be honored to look with it to You in this life, as has been said, like a mirror in fortune-telling, then, in another life, may I see with all the love of all You, who exist as love and who deigned to be called love. For You are due all thanksgiving, power, honor and worship to the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, now and ever, and unto ages of ages. Amen. You might be interested in: