Слово 90

(1) Thanks be to God for the gifts which the holy father was vouchsafed to receive, and for the teaching in which he shows how and what God is like to those who are pure in heart. 1. I worship, fall down and thank You, Lord of all and All-Holy King, that You have shown Your mercy to me, unworthy of any mercy. At the very beginning of the existence of the world, having clothed me with glory and honor in Your image, in which You deigned to create me, You arranged everything else for me, a man who was in Your image and likeness, and made me king over all Your earthly creatures, for the glory of Your greatness and goodness. I thank You that You have fulfilled every request and desire of mine for the good, as You promised to us, Your servants, and that You have granted me, unworthy of heaven and earth, more than what I hoped and desired. You said: Whatever you ask from the Father in My name, He will give it to you. Ask and you will receive (John 16:23–24). I thank You, good and generously gifted Lord, that when I strongly desired to see one of Your saints, believing that through him I would find mercy from You, You, my most gracious God, not only did this for me and showed me Your sincere servant, the blessed one, I say, and Saint Simeon, and deigned to be loved by me from him, but also gave me countless other benefits that I did not hoped. For how could I, poor man, know that You are such, our good Lord, that I could perceive the desired desire for You? How would I know that You reveal yourself to those who come to You, if they are also in the world, in order to seek with difficulty, so that I can see You? How was I to know that those who receive the light of Your grace are worthy to receive such joy and such consolation? Where and how would I, poor one, know that those who believe in You receive Your Holy Spirit? I thought that I believed in You completely and had everything that You give to those who fear You, whereas I had absolutely nothing, as I later learned by doing. How could I know, Master, that You, invisible and incontainable, are visible and can be contained within us? How could I ever think that you, Master, who created all things and created people, unite with them and make them God-bearing and your sons - in order to come into a fiery desire for that, to seek and receive that for yourself? How could I know, Lord, such a God, such a Lord, such an Intercessor, Father, Brother and King - You, who for my sake became impoverished and took on the form of a slave? Truly, my Lord, who loves mankind, I did not know anything like that at all. Although I happened to read the Divine Scriptures about this, I thought that they spoke about other persons and things, and not about this, and I was insensitive to everything that was written, and could never understand the meaning of it. Hearing what your Apostle Paul cried and said: neither eye has seen, nor ear has heard, nor has the heart of man sighed, what God has prepared for those who love Him (1 Cor. 2:9), I thought that it is impossible for a person who is still in the body to contemplate such blessings and conclude that You only showed them to him, out of special mercy towards him, not knowing, poor thing, that it is given from You to everyone who loves you. And where and how could I know that everyone who believes in You becomes a member of Yours and shines as a deity, by Your grace? And who would believe this and become blessed, without becoming truly a blessed member of You, the blessed God? How was I to know that instead of sensual food You are immortal and incorruptible bread, insatiably eaten by those who hunger and uncontrollably desire You, an immortal source for those who thirst for You, and a bright garment for those who wear humble and beggarly garments for Your sake? Hearing how your preachers said this, I thought that this too would happen only in the next century and after the general resurrection, but I did not know that all this was happening now for us, who have an extreme need for it. I did not know all this, O All-Holy King, and I never desired, and did not seek to receive from You, but, remembering my sins, I sought only remission of them, and I wanted, as the Lord said ahead, to find some kind of mediator and intercessor, so that through him and my own servile obedience to him, I would receive forgiveness of many of my sins, albeit in the future. Hearing at this how everyone said in agreement that in modern times there is no such saint on earth, I fell into great sadness. However, I never fully believed this, but I answered like this, my Lord, and said as you know: Lord, have mercy! Has the devil really become so stronger than the Lord our God that he has attracted everyone to himself and pulled them over to his side, and no one is left on God’s side? For this, as I think, more loving than the King, You made Your holy light shine in me, sitting in the darkness of this world and among so many evils, and showed me one of Your saints, as You did with Your servant Paul, whom You called to Yourself by Your divine appearance when he was persecuting You. For when he saw You and asked: Who are you? You did not say to him: I am the creator of heaven and earth, I am the one who ordered all creatures, and you did not say: I am He, or the God of Hosts, or the God of your fathers, nor did you say any other of Your glorious names, but only said to him: I am Jesus, whom you persecute, giving him to understand clearly that You are God, incarnate for us, whom he drove You did the same with me when you deigned to show me Your holy Simeon. For when Your divine light illuminated everything and me, the poor one, and made the night brighter than the day, then You vouchsafed me to see him with awe, at that height of Your Godhead as in heaven, where he stood near Your divine glory, not adorned with a crown, not dressed in light clothes or in any other form, but what he was like when he was with me, and how he was seen every day on earth, that’s how You showed him to me. and in the sky. Why do this? So that I do not think that there is another one who was with me, and another one who appeared to me in heaven, and therefore did not fall into error and did not lose the good shepherd - I, the perishing sheep. Despite all this, however, even with this miracle that happened to me, I, the damned one, did not come to my senses and did not come to my senses, but little by little I became carried away again by the world, due to my carelessness and laziness, and fell into the same bad ways or even greater ones. But You, the kind-hearted and long-suffering King, did not turn away from me after this, but turned me to You again through this saint, making me worthy to fall at his holy feet, when with Your sovereign hand and Your high arm you snatched me away and took me out of the seductive world and from all worldly affairs and pleasures, and at the same time alienated me from everything bodily and spiritual (oh miracle, O love, O condescension, which You show to us, O God who loves mankind!) and introduced into the rank of those who work for You alone. After this, You granted me, Master, through the prayers of the saint, not only the forgiveness of my countless sins, but also all the blessings that I spoke about above, or, better to say, You Yourself became everything to me. For since You previously dwelt inside him and enlightened him with the light of Your divine glory, when I approached him and grabbed his feet with repentance and faith, I immediately felt divine warmth within me; then from his words I felt a certain divine spirit, then a fire of the heart, due to which incessant streams of tears began to flow; then I felt a thin ray inside my mind, flashing faster than lightning; further, a kind of light appeared to me at night and a small fiery cloud that sat on my head while I, falling on my face, said my prayer; then it took off and a little later it appeared to me again in heaven. After this, when I was thinking about what such a phenomenon would mean, something else happened, even more wondrous than this. For, having once been tempted during sleep by evil demons and by some of their art aroused to a passionate outflow, and on this occasion, strongly opposing them and calling on You, the Lord of light, to help me, I woke up and escaped from the hands of the demons inexperienced. When I then marveled at my own resistance and courage, and especially my immobility in the face of passion, and wondered where such an unusual victory could have appeared in me, that even when I sleep, I fight, and am stronger than the enemies who fight me, and defeat them with a mighty wondrous victory, - suddenly (lo and behold!) He whom I imagined existing in heaven, I saw within myself - You, I say, My Creator and King, Christ. Then I realized that it was Your own victory, in which You made me conqueror of the devil. However, I did not yet know, Master, as it should be, that in those visions You are the One who created me and gave me all these blessings - I did not yet know that You were in them, my most condescending God and Lord. For I have not yet been worthy to hear Your voice in order to know that it is You. You have not yet told me mysteriously: I am; because I was unworthy and unclean, since I had my soul’s ears still blocked by the dust of sin and my eyes held (from the words: my eyes are held by it) by unbelief, ignorance and the darkness of passions. Being in this position, I saw You, my God, but just as I did not know and did not believe that God appears to man, since it is possible for Him to appear to him, I did not understand that God, or the glory of God, is what appeared to me, sometimes in one, sometimes in another way. This extraordinary miracle brought me into amazement and filled my entire soul and heart with joy to the point that I thought that even my body had become a participant in ineffable grace. However, I still did not clearly know who the One who appeared was. I often saw the light, and sometimes it appeared inside me, when my soul had peace and silence, and other times it appeared outside, in the distance, or even completely hid itself, and when it hid itself, it caused me excessive grief, because then it seemed to me that, perhaps, it no longer wanted to appear at all. But when I began to cry and shed tears, and show all alienation from everything and all obedience and humility, then he appeared again, like the sun when it disperses the density of a cloud and little by little it appears joyful, brilliant and circular. So, finally, You, ineffable, invisible, intangible, ever-moving, present everywhere, always and in everything and fulfilling everything, visible and hiding every hour, or, I will say, both day and night, moving away and coming, disappearing and suddenly appearing again, little by little you drove away the darkness that was in me, dispelled the cloud that covered me, cleared the apple of my intelligent eyes, opened my spiritual hearing, removed a veil of insensibility from my heart and at the same time lulled carnal pleasure and completely expelled all passion from me. Having made me such, You cleared my sky from every cloud, that is, my purified soul, into which, coming invisibly, I don’t know how or from where, You, omnipresent, suddenly find yourself in it and appear like another sun. O ineffable condescension! Behold, my brothers, the wonders of God that He works in us! When we come to perfect virtue, then He no longer comes as before, ugly and formless, and He does not visit and the coming of His light into us without noise, but comes in a certain image, however, in the image of God, for God does not appear in any outline or imprint, but appears as a simple one, formed by an ugly, incomprehensible and ineffable light. I can't say anything more than that. However, He manifests Himself clearly, is recognized very well, is seen purely, invisible, speaks and hears invisibly, God converses by nature with those who are born of Him as gods by grace, as they converse with each other, face to face, loves His sons, like a father, and is loved by them excessively, and is for them a kind of wondrous vision and terrible hearing, about which they cannot speak as they should, but again, they cannot remain silent. Always burning with strong love for Him and being taught from Him, His sons, sometimes sick and crying about other people’s passions, write about them; - sometimes they put on display their own failures as if for a spectacle, - sometimes they narrate with gratitude the blessings and acts of grace that were in them, they theologically praise the One who divinely changed them for the better, - sometimes, hearing that something is said about our spiritual salvation that is contrary to the truth and sinful, they correct it, according to the knowledge given to them, writing and presenting evidence from the Divine Scripture. And they cannot have any peace at all or be satisfied with the proclamation of the truth, because they are no longer masters over themselves, but they are the organs of the Holy Spirit, who dwells in them, who strives for them and is himself again challenged by them - and everything happens in them that, as we hear, in the Divine Scriptures is said about the kingdom of heaven, namely: margaritas, mustard seed, leaven, water, fire, bread, the drink of life, the bed, bridal chamber, bridegroom, friend, brother and father. So what, should I talk a lot about the unspeakable? For what the eye has not seen, what the ear has not heard, and what has not entered into the heart of a man, how can the tongue measure it, and how can it be said in a word? Truly this is impossible. Although we have acquired all this and have it inside us from God, who gave it to us, we cannot at all measure it with our minds or explain it in words. I wrote all this, beloved brethren, not to show off. It won't happen. What have I of my own to show off and boast about, besides the sins, impurities and iniquities that have been many since my mother’s womb, which are greater than the sand of the sea? But besides this, I announce this to you in order to reveal to you the miracles of God and present them in words, at least as much as I have the strength to do so. At the same time, and for this reason, I did this in order to use this legend for those who think that they have the Holy Spirit from holy Baptism, although they are not aware of it. For the present word teaches us, firstly, about complete darkness and darkness, or the complete absence of divine light, which happens in a person when he clearly speaks of the ignorance that he has about God; then it teaches us about the conviction that comes from conscience; further – about fear; then - about a person’s desire to receive remission of sins, when he is looking for some kind of mediator and assistant in this matter, since he alone does not have the courage to approach God, feeling himself burdened with many sins; after this, our word tells how a man received the mediator and shepherd whom he was looking for, and how he saw him, with his mental illumination from the Holy Spirit, which shows that the beginning of an inner illumination began in him, which he did not know about before; - He also says at the same time how after such a revelation took place in him, the vision of the Spirit again withdrew, and he, having lost it, again fell into the darkness of many sins; after this, the word announced the second calling that God made to him through his shepherd; behind this - about obedience, faith, humility and submission, which he had towards this shepherd; behind this - about the obvious change that took place in him little by little with the consciousness and vision of the matter, which if someone does not recognize that it has taken place in himself, as the word said, one cannot in any way believe that the Holy Spirit dwells in him. All this present word, as I said, sets out at length and presents me not as boasting, but as telling about the wondrous blessings of God, which, out of love and goodness, He does to those who seek Him with all their soul and with all their heart, so that all disobedience will receive a righteous reward on the day on which God has to judge the human race. To him is due all glory, honor and worship, now and ever, and unto the ages of ages. Amen. You might be interested in: