Слово 69

(1) About repentance and the beginning of a virtuous life; also about what one who repents should do every day; also about contrition and tears. 1. My beloved brothers, listen to my words, joyfully accept my advice, which I give you for your good, and with all diligence try to fulfill the small things that I say for the common benefit of me and you, for by doing what seems small, little by little we succeed, ascend to greater things and become perfect men in Christ. The purpose of my word is this. When you leave church, do not get your mind distracted by vain and useless things, so that the devil, coming and finding you busy with such vanity, does not immediately steal from your hearts the remembrance of the spiritual words you heard in church, just as birds steal the seeds of wheat, laboriously sown in the field, but not yet hidden in the ground, and you are again left empty of the saving teaching. But whoever has any handicraft or any other kind of obedience, go to his handicraft or to his obedience, lowering his gaze to the ground and paying attention to himself. Sitting at handicrafts or performing obedience, say to yourself: alas for me, poor one! How long have I lived, rushing my mind here and there, indulging in vanity, idle talk and laughter! Woe is me! Why am I so indecent? Why am I so upset? I listen to the Divine Scriptures, but even until now I have not allowed them to bring me the benefit that they usually bring. What fruit has real life brought me? So many years have passed in my life - and who knows whether I will live to see tomorrow? For so many years I ate and drank, filled my belly with food, wine and all sorts of sweets, adorned myself with light clothes, indulged in pleasures and merriment to the detriment of my soul; making so much and so much money, he spent it on empty and insignificant things, often went to baths, anointed himself with precious ointments, rode expensively dressed horses, gave expensive balls, envied his neighbor, condemned, fell into carnal sins, appropriated the property of others, lied, meanwhile he had a wide circle of friends and known people and acquired a glorious name for himself in this world, lay down on soft beds, in every possible way resting this earthly body of mine, and slept without measure. Which of all this has brought me any benefit so far? And what benefit can it bring at the hour of death? If God, who has the power of all flesh, commands me to die tomorrow, truly all this will bring me no benefit. I will finally take care, although I will not spend the last days of my life in vanity, but from now on I will lay the foundation for my correction, I will leave all my bad deeds and, as the holy fathers command, I will begin to do the opposite of good deeds: instead of eating a lot, I will fast, and, moreover, so much that from fasting I will not have the strength to speak with anyone; I will oppress my belly with greed and thirst, and then, of course, my indomitable tongue will be tamed by itself, then my head will droop, my gaze will frown, my face will be covered with sadness, and I will get rid of uncontrollable impudence in words and movements and from floating thoughts, and I will easily stop the evil habit of rushing my mind back and forth, joking and laughing; I will dress in humble clothes, and I will give the old, valuable and bright ones to the poor, and I will give them all the money that I have in my hands. Why do I need to worry about this now, when I decide to devote myself entirely to God, who nourishes everyone? I will no longer ride horses and mules, I will renounce friends and relatives, for whoever loves someone else more than Christ is unworthy of Him, as He Himself says. I will no longer go to the baths, I will not sleep on soft beds, and with all my desire I will lie down on the ground, where it is dry and hard, so that against my will I can sleep less, disposing myself to such deprivation either with the conviction that even if I die, I will not suffer harm, then with the thought: am I really worthy of living? If I begin to do this, then I will easily wake up at midnight and, falling before God, bitterly mourn my sinful soul, crying out to Him with tears and sighs: Master, Lord Jesus Christ, King of heaven and earth! I know that more than any man, even more than every unreasonable animal and reptile, I have sinned before You, my terrible and impregnable God, and I am not worthy to receive any mercy from You. For this reason, I would not have dared to run and fall to You, O philanthropic King, if I had not heard Your holy voice saying: I do not want the death of a sinner by will, but to be converted and live to be him (Ezek. 18:23, 33:11), and also: there is joy in heaven for one sinner who repents (Luke 15:7), and if it were not for I remembered the parable of the prodigal son, which we hear from You in the Holy Gospel - namely, how You, before the prodigal son, who repented and came to You, approached You, flowed to him, like a gracious Father, and, falling on his neck, kissed him. Remembering this, I also had bold hope in Your immeasurable mercy and, having come, I fell before You with illness, sadness and groaning of my heart. I am evilly ulcerated, darkened and insensitive, and in a pitiful position I lie in the abyss of my sins. But from now on I make a promise that I will not leave You, my Lord, until my last breath, I will not return to my previous sins and I will no longer do my evil and vain deeds. But You, Lord my God, know my weakness and extremity, my cowardice and ingrained desires that have the power to tyrannize over me, torment and oppress me. I pray to You, do not leave me and help me. Do not allow, O Good One, our enemy the devil to laugh at me, for from now on I am Your servant. This is what you should always think about, brother, if you want to repent, leave your previous life and begin the journey along the true path of repentance. At the same time, here’s something else you need to observe: do not eat food until the evening. When the time comes and you eat a little, then, entering your cell, sit on a bench and think in your mind about everything that was said before. First, thank God for allowing you to reach the end of the day and the beginning of the night; then look at yourself, remembering how much you sinned before God, your Creator, and how long He endured with you, preserving your life and giving you everything you need for the body - food, drink, clothing, shelter and shelter, and how He was not angry with you, did not resent you for your sins and did not deliver you over to death or to the demons for destruction. When you change your mind about all this, lay your mat on the ground, put a small stone at the top and thus prepare a place where you want to lie down to sleep. Now listen, I will reveal to you another feat of warm repentance, which in a short time will give rise to contrition and tears in you, even if you were stony-hearted, cruel to cry, and unyielding to contrition. It is not, however, almost strange and unusual for believers that I will tell you before you experience it. Know this that whoever has kept himself undefiled by sin after Baptism does not require a special feat of repentance, since he has not fallen into any sin, but by the power of God he is pure and undefiled. But whoever, after Baptism, has defiled himself with indecent deeds and sins and has made his body, which is the church of God, fornication a dwelling place of lusts, passions and demons, he needs not only the feat of repentance that I have to tell you about, but many other feats of repentance and methods of self-mortification and self-bitterness (self-oppression. - Ed.) are required in order to appease God and regain the divine dignity that he lost due to his sinful life. May the word of repentance of our holy father John Climacus, which shows many such feats, confirm you of this. What is the feat of repentance that I fatherly advise you? Listen, my brother, meaningfully and without temptation. After you have prepared the mat, as I said, on which you are going to sleep, stand in prayer, like some condemned man, and first read the Trisagion and Our Father - what you say, remember who you are and whom you call Father. Having reached the Lord have mercy and wanting to raise your hands to the mountain, look at the sky with your eyes, then look at your hands and, gathering your mind inside yourself, remember how many evil and shameful deeds you have done with these hands, and be afraid, saying to yourself: alas for me, unclean and filthy! Wouldn’t God have looked unmercifully on the fact that I so fearlessly stretched out my hands to Him, and, remembering how much evil I had done with them, cast down fire and burned me? Why, turning your hands back, as if they were tied there, as happens to a condemned man being led to death, and sighing from the depths of your soul, say in a pitying voice: have mercy on me, Lord, unworthy of this life, but worthy of all torment, and anything else that will be said will enlighten you with the grace of God. Remembering your evil deeds, beat yourself as much as you can, without pity, saying: O wicked and repentant one! How dare you do such and such evil deeds? And again stand and pray, calling on God’s mercy. Then hit yourself in the face, pull your hair, pulling it, as if it belonged to someone else, your enemy and accuser, saying: why have you done such and such evil deeds? After you have thus sufficiently restrained yourself, stand humbly, folding your hands in front of you, and read two or three psalms with attention. And again start thinking about what we said above. And maybe God will have mercy on you and give you tears and contrition. If he does, then stand in the same place until the tears stop. If tears do not come, regret it and tell yourself: contrition and tears are given to the worthy and to those who have prepared for it, but how long ago did you begin to pray for this or set out to work for the Lord? Or by what good deeds did you prepare yourself to receive them? Isn't it enough for you that you are given the opportunity to live a little longer? Say it and give thanks to God. Then seal your face and chest with the sign of the honorable cross and, falling on the mat, fall asleep. When you wake up, do not turn over on the other side, but get up immediately and say the prayer in the way that I showed you. Don’t go to bed again at all, but if there is time left, read something until the hour of the church service comes. Then go with others to church and, having arrived there, stand with fear and trembling, as if you were standing in heaven among the Angels, considering yourself unworthy to be with the brethren. Pay attention well, so as not to look here and there and not to spy on the brothers, who is standing or singing, but pay attention only to yourself, to the service and to your sins, remembering at the same time the prayer that you say in your cell, that is, Lord Jesus Christ, and so on. During the service, do not address anyone with any idle word and do not leave the church before dismissal. If possible, do not sit down even while reading (from the Holy Fathers), but go to some hidden place, stand and listen, as if through the mouth of the reader God Himself above all was speaking to you. If you are ordered to read, read clearly and with tenderness, thinking to yourself that you are not worthy to read God-inspired scriptures to the brethren. When, having finished reading, you make the usual bows to both choirs, do not do this carelessly and with contempt, but honor all the brothers as if they were sons of God and Angels, bow so low that your head reaches almost to the floor, and say secretly within yourself inside your heart: pray for me, saints of God, and forgive me, a sinner and unworthy of heaven and earth. Also, if you are ordered to be a canonarch, not the canonarch carelessly and lazily, but deliberately and with great attention, as if conveying with your voice, as if with a hand, the divine words to your brethren, before the face of the King of all, Christ. Be afraid to show contempt for any brother and not teach him life-giving bread, that is, the word of God, so as not to be, as a contemptuous person, expelled not only from the church, but also from the kingdom of heaven. After dismissal, leaving the church and heading to your cell, prepare for the affairs of the day and for this purpose look at how you spent yesterday, and if it turns out that you have sinned in anything, correct it now. If you always do this without interruption, then Christ the Lord will not be slow to show you His mercy. I give you the guarantee of this from the gracious God, I - although it is very bold to say this - I promise you this on behalf of the humane God. Let me die, let me be consigned to the eternal fire of hell in your place, if the Lord despises you and leaves you. Just don’t do what I told you with hesitation and double-mindedness. What kind of deliberation and double-mindedness is this? Listen and you will know. Contemplation is when someone thinks in his mind and says within himself: will God have mercy on me or not? This “or not” is a sign of disbelief. If you do not believe that God will show you greater mercy than you expect, why do you pray to Him for mercy? There is double-mindedness when someone does not completely give himself up to death to acquire the kingdom of heaven, but still cares about his body and about the things of life. This is just what a repentant must be careful of with all his heart - so as not to deprive himself of any way of life and not become a suicide - say, for example, so as not to throw himself off any rapids or do something else destructive to bodily life. As for the rest - what to eat and how to support the life of the body - let him completely cut off all worries, believing the word of the Savior, Who says: seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you (Matthew 6:33). This is all that is necessary for the body. He who strives and lives his life as the Holy Gospel commands, can always eat and live on bread and water alone, and at the same time be even stronger and healthier than those who eat many different foods. This is why the Apostle Paul said and always says: if we have food and clothing, we will be satisfied with these (1 Tim. 6:8). And one more thing: we have within ourselves the condemnation of death, so that we should not trust in ourselves, but in God, who raises the dead (2 Cor. 1:9). Behold, beloved brother, I have shown you how to approach God and what feat of repentance must be demonstrated before Him. Do not leave anything of what I told you until your last breath and do not forget the good advice that I, a sinner, gave you. For although I am a worthless person, the grace of God has enlightened me to say this for your salvation. If you accomplish this with God’s help, then you will learn other, greater mysteries, being taught by the grace of the All-Holy Spirit, and for such deeds and exploits you will be given not only a source of tears, but also alienation and cutting off all passions. Whoever, having sought repentance and contrition, begins to zealously find out what promotes and promotes contrition, crying and tears, and does it with readiness and diligence, and at the same time will not place himself highly in any respect and create any will of the flesh, such a way of action will soon lead to success, purity and dispassion, will make him worthy to receive the grace of the Holy Spirit and the like appear to our great fathers: Anthony, Savva, Euthymius. This is what you should do if you love repentance and contrition! If you don’t want to listen to me and, in order to acquire them, take into account what I told you as an ever-present and constant thing, at least don’t blame either you or anyone else for saying that this is impossible. Do not also say: I confessed and by confession I cleansed my sins; I have been looking for salvation for so many years now; I spent so much property and distributed money to the poor, fed the hungry, gave water to the thirsty and squandered all my wealth on the needy; I went to the holy mountain (Athos), was at the Holy Sepulcher, climbed the Mount of Olives, visited Sinai, and now I live in a special secluded place, I fast on such and such days, I say so many prayers and so on. For all this I hope to be saved, and that is enough for me. - Neither, my brother, whoever you are who says this, do not deceive yourself, comforting yourself with such vain thoughts, foolishly intertwined by you. All this is good, and very good. But know, beloved, that this is only a seed. And now consider for yourself that I will tell you approximately: you cleared the place, looked, doubled and built up the earth, and sowed it, but did the seed grow from the depths of the earth of your heart? Has the stem grown and started to spike? Have the fields of your spiritual land turned white and are they ready for harvest? Have you plucked ears of corn and rubbed them in your hands to see what the fruit of your labors is? When you saw it, did you taste it? Having eaten, are you satisfied and refreshed? If you have seen, realized, experienced, felt all this, I bow to you, kiss your feet and the very traces of your feet, considering myself unworthy to kiss your face. Rejoice and be merry, for it is clear that you are reaping with great joy what you sowed with much difficulty and sweat. If you do not have and do not feel in yourself anything of what I am telling you, and you do not even know whether any good seed has been sown on the land of your heart, then tell me, what benefit has come to you from the fact that you have surrounded almost the entire earth and reached to the last edges of the sea? Truly, you did not receive any benefit from that, even if you gave away money. For if I have mercy on the whole world from what is not mine - I will say, however: even if it is mine - but I leave myself naked and poor in inner spiritual goodness and, having died, I appear before the terrible judgment seat of the Savior, then what good is all this to me? We must come out of the world and body clothed and adorned with all spiritual goodness if we wish to sit worthily at the royal table at the wedding supper together with the friends of the King. What is this that I and all Christians in general must put on so as not to end up naked? There is, my brothers, Christ our God. If, I say again, I go through the whole earth like one house, and do not leave a single village, city or church without entering it, without praying and without carefully examining everything that appears to my eyes, and then I am deprived of the kingdom of heaven, then wouldn’t it be better for me not to be born at all, not to breathe this air and not to see this sun with my eyes? Truly it would be better. What should I do so as not to lose the kingdom of heaven? If I begin to do everything mentioned above, I will receive the Holy Spirit. This Spirit is the seed of Christ. By His power we all, poor and corruptible people, become kinsmen of Christ. If this seed falls on good soil, it bears an offspring of thirty, sixty, or a hundred. And this Holy Spirit is the kingdom of heaven; yet everything else without Him serves no purpose. Thus, my brother, if we do not have mercy on ourselves, if we do not make our souls purified by repentance and filled with light, then all other deeds will not bring us any benefit, as our Lord Jesus Christ says: What good is it for a man if he gains the whole world but loses his soul? Or what will a man give for his soul? (Matthew 16:26). And again: having found his soul, he will destroy it; and whoever loses his life for My sake will find it (Matthew 10:39). So, if I do not destroy my soul in the way I spoke about, giving myself up to death out of love for Christ, and again, if I find it by loving this life and not seeking eternal life, then what good does everything else benefit me, my friends and brothers? Truly none. This will not bring us any benefit, and will not save us from eternal fire, if we do not take care of our soul and look after it, leaving everything else and all other people. How you should take care of your soul, I will say about this in another word, so that the present does not turn out to be great beyond measure. But You, my God and Creator, who have deigned to become the Teacher of us sinners, teach me to say as I should, both for myself and for my brothers, Your servants, what is necessary for the salvation of the soul. For You are the guide and enlightenment of our souls. You open our mouths and give the word with much power to us who preach Your Gospel, and we send up glory to You now and ever, and to the ages of ages. Amen. You might be interested in: