I wonder if anyone in our Couples' Group at St. Nick's ever shared a story like this—how they navigated talking through hard choices without making the kids feel responsible.
The child is not to blame for anything, but his parents burden him with their anguish. I remember a neighbor here in Heraklion who divorced when her daughter was 14 years old; years later the girl said that the worst was the silence and the whispers. Better to talk to him clearly, without asking him to "decide".
My neighbor's son was about that same age when his folks finally split. The silence and the closed-door fights messed him up more than the actual divorce did. Parents need to sit down with the kid, tell him straight it's not his fault, and then actually follow through instead of dragging it out for years.
My parents stayed like this for several years, with whispered arguments and closed doors. At 15, I felt guilty for not being able to reconcile them. When they finally came clean with me and said "it's not because of you", it took a rock off my heart, even though they still broke up. Better the truth than that long silence.
There was a guy in my parish, about 16 years old, who suffered in much the same way. His parents were silent and hissed outside the door for years, and he thought it was because of his grades and character. When they finally sat down and directly said, “You have nothing to do with this, we can’t cope on our own,” he really felt better, although the divorce still happened. The main thing is not to be left in this silence.
In our parish, we saw the same thing with a 15-year-old boy: his parents argued in whispers for months, and he thought it was his fault that he wasn't getting better grades. When they spoke to him clearly and said "it's not because of you, we don't get along anymore", his face lit up, even though the divorce still came. It was the silence that weighed on him the most.
In our parish, a 15-year-old boy also thought for months that the fights were because of his grades. When his parents finally sat him down and said "it's not your fault, we just don't love each other anymore", you could see how a stone fell from his heart. Better open than whisper behind the door.
I agree with you Niki, silence and whispers are worse than a difficult conversation. At work, I often see how children carry this burden through no fault of their own, as you say. Do you know how the neighbor's daughter was doing after the breakup?
I agree, silence weighs more than an honest conversation. I would add that they better explain to him in simple words what is happening without putting it in the middle like a referee. Do you know if the neighbor ever spoke openly with her daughter about what happened?
Yes, that silence is the hardest. A neighbor of ours went through something similar with her 14-year-old daughter; only after they simply explained that "we both changed" did the child relax. Do you think it would help if the priest talked to the parents before it got to such tensions?
Yes, that silence hurts the most, I also saw it with a grandson. The simple explanation of "we've changed" really helps, but I think a good priest could talk to the parents earlier, before so much tension builds up. Do you think that the parents would accept such a discussion if it came from the priest?
I agree Niki, it's the silence that cracks the kids up. I also remember a couple from our parish who divorced without saying a word to their son; years later they are still trying to find out what was wrong. Do you think they should tell him why they can't make it anymore, or just explain to him what will happen from here on out?
Yes, that long silence is the hardest for children, I also saw it with a neighbor. I think a priest known to the family would have a good chance of being listened to, but it depends on how often the parents go to confession. What do you think, would it be better to talk to the priest alone first or ask him to call both of them?
Yes, you're right, that long silence hurts the most, I've seen my nephew lock himself in his room for weeks. I think a clergyman known to the family would have a better chance if he talked to the parents privately first, didn't wait for too much tension to build up. Have you seen cases where the parents actually listened to such advice from the priest?
Yes, that silence weighs the most on the child, Maria. In our parish, we saw a similar case with a 12-year-old boy; the parents spoke to our priest after the tension had already grown a lot, but he still helped clear things up without a scandal. Do you think it would be better if the priest initiated the discussion directly, perhaps at a regular meeting with the families, before they got to the divorce?
Yes, Stelios, silence does indeed weigh much more. The neighbor you speak of, from what I heard, never spoke openly to her daughter – only indirectly, with half-words, and then the girl sought to understand on her own. I find this "don't put him in the middle like a referee" very correct, it's better to tell him clearly "we don't get along" than to ask him "what do you say?".
Yes, Florin, that silence really hurts the most, I also saw with a colleague from the store how her 14-year-old son started not sleeping at night because of the tension at home. I think that the priest initiating a discussion at the meetings with the families would be a good idea, but only if he feels that the family is open, otherwise he risks looking like he is interfering. What do you think, should he wait for them to come or propose a general marriage talk?
Yes, Christos, I completely agree. At work, I often see children who are trying to find meaning in their parents' half-talks, and then they are burdened with guilt. Better to tell them straight up "we don't get along, but it's not your fault" than to let the silence grow. How did you handle it with your own children?
Yes, Maria, that silent tension really destroys the children's sleep, I also heard similar cases when fishing from a neighbor. I think the priest would do well to propose a general discussion about marriage in meetings with families, without pointing the finger at anyone in particular. That way he can open the door without looking like he's intruding.
Yes, Florin, that silence does more harm than an open argument, I also saw it with a neighbor's nephew. With us, the priest waited to be called, but I think it would be better for him to initiate a discreet discussion with the parents, not at the general meeting with the families, so that they don't feel pressured in public. What do you think, would it be okay to talk privately after a job?
Yes, Maria, that silence in the house really puts the greatest pressure on the children, I saw my older nephew closing himself in the room for hours when his parents were arguing without saying anything clearly. I say the priest could start with a general talk about marriage in regular meetings, but leave the door open for whoever wants to come separately after that. Do you think such an announcement would be enough or should they speak more directly to parents?
Yes, Alexandru, that silence is the hardest, I feel it too when I see how the children's faces change. In our parish, the priest once announced at the meeting that he was available for family discussions, but he said it like that, briefly, without details, and yet two couples came separately after the service. Do you think it would help if he also gave a concrete example from Scripture, without pointing fingers?
