Письмо 72

This is the fruit your work brings, and this is what I am teaching you! Will your letter, written to your mother with such stupid expressions and urgent demands, serve as a temptation? Where is your zeal for monasticism? Is this how you should prepare yourself for it? Denial of oneself, abandonment of the world and others in the world, poverty, patience, humility, obedience and so on, where is all this? And what’s even more dangerous: you fell into delusion, from your imaginary prayer and rules, on which you only rely; but you are deluded to such an extent that you have already begun to foresee when I write to you. Meanwhile, insurance, fear and ghosts show you the rotten fruits of your work. I have warned you many times not to think that you pray well, but to consider yourself the last of all: for God accepts only the prayers of the humble, and will not despise a contrite and humble heart; but you never had that, but on the contrary, an arrogant prayer: “I pray in church after Matins, and I stand near my porch and read prayers to heaven.” What is this if not the obvious charm of the enemy, and its retribution is a terrible phenomenon, and then fear, and you are afraid of everything and shudder. Leave such high-minded prayers, humble yourself before God and before people, have the fear of God, then you will not be afraid from the fear of the enemy. Your solitude has brought you such fruits! And you think that you are going through your life well in solitude, and you deceive yourself - how long will it take for the enemy to scold you? You gave him faith and acquired the gift of insight; you think this won’t happen now: but he can seduce you in another way. Pray to the Lord with humility that he will not allow you to fall into such delusion. Consider yourself worse than everyone else, then the Lord is strong to preserve you. Although your mother added more money and provisions to you, at your rude demand, your conscience cannot be calm; you asked for forgiveness: good, she will forgive you, and leave you at the same portion. I have no right to forgive you for this until you are completely reconciled with those you offended; There is a rule for this, and the teaching of Christ commands first to be reconciled, then to come to the church with a gift. I advise you to have obedience to your mother abbess, and consider all the sisters to be your best, and mentally ask for their prayers; and then you will recognize your mistakes and begin to correct them. Wishing you peace, health and salvation, I remain the sinful hieromonk Macarius. You might be interested in: