Письмо 32

With all my weaknesses, I am compelled to write you a few lines for your sorrow: we have become hardened in the monastery, and we will be like beginners, or children beginning to learn the alphabet. What vow did we make to God when we were asked: will you endure all the sorrow of monastic life, the kingdom for the sake of God? And we answered: “I work with God, honest father!” – But we do things differently; sorrow has come, and instead of patience we plunge ourselves into insult, murmuring, and resentment; With what face will we appear to God? He sent sorrow, and we gnaw at people, like a dog throwing a stone at it! Yes, I forgot, because it seems that we did not have an agreement to endure when they began to break off the wall; So, it’s my fault that I blame you; this may be so, but what is our structure? Where is the love? Where is the humility? Where is the remembrance of our sins and the desire for the kingdom of God? We ask God: give me humility, give me patience; and how will God give it to us? He sends cases for us to endure and humble ourselves, but we do not want to enter into ourselves, destroy our passions; after all, they are tormenting us, not people; people are only the instruments with which God acts in the work of our salvation. God wants us to be meek, humble, patient, loving; how can this be in us when no one touches us and shows us our dispensation? - Read fatherly books, there you will see your shortcomings, which originate from yourself; and not people, having touched you, will put passions into you: rage, embarrassment, resentment, etc. Read from Saint Isaac the Syrian in the alphabetical index about patience with grief, about humility, about love; also with Saint Barsanuphius, then you will see that it is necessary to endure what God sends. And you, M. N., resort to the same scriptures and you will find consolation and healing for yourself. The temptation that followed you after communion of the Holy Mysteries did not come from the fact that you, as you write, went to church without diligence and prayed in your cell without paying attention, but from the fact that you prepared without humility; and if she had approached, like a publican, with humility, and remembered that she had accepted the Lord Himself within herself, who humbled Himself for our sake, then all pride would have been trampled upon and turned to dust, and could not have been moved by one word spoken by the sister; I wouldn’t think about who is looking at you. The Lord Himself has deigned to visit the house of your soul, and heavenly powers await Him; but what to do! when you couldn’t use it for the benefit of that occasion, now reproach yourself, humble yourself, bring repentance, and you will receive God’s mercy; and from now on, try to remember your weakness and thinness, and not be moved by the word, but through it heal yourself from pride. Asking for God's blessing on you, I remain the great sinner I.M. November 23, 1854. You might be interested in: