Confession

I II III IV V VI VII VIII IX X XI XII XIII XIV XV XVI XVII XVIII XIX XX I II III IV V VI VII VIII IX X I II III IV V VI VII VIII IX X XI XII I II III IV V VI VII VIII IX X XI XII XIII XIV XV XVI I II III IV V VI VII VIII IX X XI XII XIII XIV I II III IV V VI VII VIII IX X XI XII XIII XIV XV XVI XVII XVIII XIX XX XXI I II III IV V VI VII VIII IX X XI XII XIII I II III IV V VI VII VIII IX X XI XII XIII XIV XV XVI XVII XVIII XIX XX XXI XXII XXIII XXIV XXV XXVI XXVII XXVIII XXIX XXX XXXI XXXII XXXIII XXXIV XXXV XXXVI XXXVII XXXVIII XXXIX XL XLI XLII XLIII I II III IV V VI VII VIII IX X XI XII XIII XIV XV XVI XVII XVIII XIX XX XXI XXII XXIII XXIV XXV XXVI XXVII XXVIII XXIX XXX XXXI I II III IV V VI VII VIII IX X XI XII XIII XIV XV XVI XVII XVIII XIX XX XXI XXII XXIII XXIV XXV XXVI XXVII XXVIII XXIX XXX XXXI XXXII. I II III IV V VI VII VIII IX X XI XII XIII XIV XV XVI XVII XVIII XIX XX XXI XXII XXIII XXIV XXV XXVI XXVII XXVIII XXIX XXX XXXI XXXII XXXIII XXXIV XXXV XXXVI XXXVII XXXVIII “Confessions” is the general title of 13 autobiographical works of Blessed Aurelius Augustine, written around 397–398 AD. at the request of the bishop of the Italian city of Nola, Saint Paulinus, ten years after Augustine’s conversion to Christ, shortly after his elevation to episcopal dignity. "Confession" is considered the first example of autobiography in European literature. It covers part of the life of Blessed Augustine (33 years out of about 40 he lived at the time of writing), and contains a narrative about his spiritual search. The first printed translation of the Confession into Russian was made in 1787 by Hieromonk Agapit (Skvortsov). Translation by Prof. M. E. Sergeenko was prepared during the years of the siege of Leningrad, and published for the first time in 1975 (“Theological Works”, 1975, 15). Translations by D. A. Podgursky are also known (Kyiv Theological Academy, 1880). and L. Kharitonova, 2008. 1. “Great are You, O Lord, and worthy of all praise; Great is Thy power and immeasurable is Thy wisdom." 1 And man, a particle of Your creation, wants to praise You; the man who carries his mortality with him everywhere carries with him the evidence of his sin and the testimony that You “resist the proud” 2 . And yet man, a particle of Your creation, wants to praise You. You delight us with this praise, for You created us for Yourself, and our heart knows no rest until it rests in You 3 . Let me, Lord, know and comprehend whether to begin by calling on You or by praising You; whether it is necessary to first know You or call upon You. But who will call to You without knowing You? An ignorant person can call not to You, but to someone else. Or, in order to know You, we must “call to You?” “How will they call upon Him in whom they have not believed? and how will they believe You without a preacher? 4 And those who seek Him will praise the Lord. 5 Those who seek will find Him, and those who find will praise Him. I will seek You, O Lord, calling upon You, and I will call upon You, believing in You, for You have been preached to us. My faith, which You gave to me, which You breathed into me through Your Son made man, through the ministry of Your Confessor, calls to You, O Lord. 2. But how can I cry to my God, to my God and Lord? When I call on Him, I will call Him into myself. Where is there a place in me where my Lord would come? Where will the Lord come to me, the Lord who created heaven and earth? Lord, my God! Is there really something in me that can accommodate You? Do heaven and earth, which You created and on which You created me, contain You? But without You 7 there would be nothing that exists - does that mean everything that exists contains You? But I also exist; Why do I ask You to come to me: I would not exist if You were not in me. I am not yet in the underworld, although You are there. And “if I go to hell, You are there” 8. I would not exist, my God, I would not exist at all, if You were not in me. No, or rather: I would not exist if I were not in You, “from Whom are all things, through Whom are all things, in Whom are all things” 9 . Truly so, Lord, truly so. Where should I call You if I am in You? and where will you come to me from? Where, beyond the boundaries of earth and sky, should I go so that my Lord can come to me from there? Who said: “Heaven and earth are full of Me”? 10 3. So, can heaven and earth contain You if You fill them? Or do You fill them and something else remains in You, because they cannot contain You? And where is this remnant of Yours poured out when heaven and earth are filled? Or do You not need a container, You Who contain everything, for what You fill You fill by containing? It is not the vessels full of You that give You stability: even if they break, You will not spill out. And when You pour out into us, it is not You who fall, but we are raised up by You; It is not You who is scattered, but we are gathered by You. And everything that You fill, You fill everything entirely with Yourself. But everything is not able to contain You, it only contains a part of You, and everyone simultaneously contains the same part? Or are individual creatures separate parts: larger ones, smaller ones? So is one part of You greater and the other less? Or are You whole everywhere and nothing can contain You whole? 11 4. What are you, my God? What if not the Lord God? “Who is the Lord but the Lord? and who is God besides our God?” 12 Most High, Most Gracious, Most Mighty, Almighty, Most Merciful and Most Just; the most distant and the closest, the most beautiful and the strongest, the motionless and incomprehensible; Unchangeable, Changing everything, eternally Young and eternally Old, You renew everything and make old the proud 13, but they do not know it; eternally in action, eternally at rest, collecting and not needing, carrying, filling and covering; you create, nourish and improve; you are looking, although You have everything. You love and don't worry; you are jealous and not worried; you repent and are not sad; you get angry and remain calm; You change Your works, and do not change your advice; you pick up what you find and never lose; you never need and rejoice in profit; you are never stingy and demand interest. It is given to You in abundance, so that You may be in debt, but does anyone have anything that is not Yours? You pay your debts, but You owe no one; you pay off your debts without losing anything 14 . What else can I say, my Lord, my Life, my Holy Joy? And what can we even say when talking about You? But woe to those who are silent about You, for even those who speak have become speechless 15. 5. Who will let me rest in You? Who will allow You to enter my heart and intoxicate it so that I forget all my evil and embrace my only good, You? What are you to me? Have mercy and let me talk. What am I to You, that You command me to love You and are angry if I do not do this, and threaten me with great misfortunes? Is it not a great misfortune not to love You? Woe is me! Tell me, according to Your mercy, O Lord my God, what are You to me? “Say to my soul: I am your salvation.” Say it so I can hear. Behold the ears of my heart before You, O Lord: open them and say to my soul: “I am your salvation” 16. I will run towards this voice and catch You. Hide not Your face from me: I will die, I will not die, but let me see it 17. 6. The house of my soul is too small for You to enter there; expand it. It's collapsing, update it. There is something in it that will offend Your gaze: I confess, I know, but who will clean it up? and to anyone other than You, I will exclaim: “Cleanse me from my secret sins, O Lord, and deliver Your servant from those who tempt” 18. I believe and that’s why I say: “Lord, You know.” Have I not testified before You “against myself about my crimes, O my God? and you have forgiven the iniquity of my heart" 19. I do not argue with You, Who is the Truth, and I do not want to lie to myself, lest my untruth lie to itself. No, I am not arguing with You, for “if You look at iniquity, Lord, Lord, who can stand?” 20 7. And yet let me speak before You, Merciful One, to me, “dust and ashes” 21. Let me still say: I turn to Your mercy, not to the person who would ridicule me. Maybe you will laugh at me, but when you turn to me, you will take pity on me. What do I want to say, Lord my God? - only that I don’t know where I came from here 22, into this - should I say - dead life or living death? 23 I don't know. I was greeted with consolations by Your mercy, as I heard about this from my parents according to the flesh, through whom You created me in time; I don’t remember this myself. My first consolation was milk, with which neither my mother nor my nurses filled their breasts; Through them You gave me the food necessary for the baby according to Your decree and according to Your riches distributed to the depths of creation. You have given me the desire not to desire more than You have given, and to my nurses the desire to give me what You have given them. Out of the love You inspired, they wanted to give me what they had in abundance from You. For them, my goodness received from them was good, but it did not come from them, but through them, for all good things come from You, and all my salvation comes from My Lord. I understood this later, although You called to me even then - with gifts from outside and invested in me. Even then I knew how to suck, calmed down from bodily pleasure, cried from bodily discomfort - for now that was all. 8. Then I started laughing, first in my sleep, then while awake. This is what they told me about me, and I believe it, because I saw the same thing in other babies: I don’t remember myself at that time. And then gradually I began to understand where I was; I wanted to explain my desires to those who would fulfill them, but I could not, because my desires were within me, and those around me were outside of me, and they could not enter my soul with any external feeling. I floundered and screamed, expressing with the few signs that I could and as much as I could, something similar to my desires - but these signs did not express my desires. And when they did not obey me, either because they did not understand me, or so as not to harm me, then I was angry that the elders did not obey me, and the free did not serve as slaves, and I took revenge for myself by crying. That babies are like this, I learned from those whom I was able to recognize, and that I was the same, they themselves, unconscious ones, told me more about this than my conscious educators. 9 . And now my infancy has long since died, but I live. Lord - You, Who lives always, in Whom nothing dies, for before the beginning of the ages and before everything that can be said “before”, You are, - You are the God and Lord of all Your creation - the reasons for everything unstable are steadfast with You, the beginnings of everything that change are unchangeable, the order of the disorderly and temporary is eternal - Lord, answer me, did my infancy come after some other dead age of mine, or preceded it? only the period that I spent in my mother's womb? 24 Something was told to me about him, and I myself have seen pregnant women. And what happened before this, my Joy, my Lord? Have I been somewhere, been anyone? There is no one to tell me about this: neither my father nor my mother could do this: there is neither someone else’s experience nor my own memories here. Do you laugh at the fact that I ask this, and order me to praise You and confess You for what I know? 10. I confess You, Lord of heaven and earth, giving You praise for the beginning of my life and for my infancy, which I do not remember. You allowed a person to guess about himself from others, to believe a lot about himself, even relying on the testimony of ordinary women. Yes, I was and lived then, and already at the end of infancy I was looking for signs with which I could tell others about what I felt. Where does such a being come from if not from You, Lord? 25 Is there a master who creates himself? Is there a source flowing somewhere else, from where being and life flow to us? No, You create us, Lord, You, for Whom there is no difference between being and life, for You are perfect Being and perfect Life. You are perfect and You do not change: today does not pass by You, and yet it passes by You, because You have everything; nothing could pass unless You contained everything. And since “Your years do not fail,” then Your years are today. 26 How many of our days and the days of our fathers have passed through Yours today; from him they received their appearance and somehow arose, and others will pass by, receive their appearance and somehow arise. “You are always the same”: everything of tomorrow and what comes after it, everything of yesterday and what is behind it, You will turn into today, You have turned into today. What should I do if someone doesn't understand this? Let him rejoice, saying: “What is this?” Let him rejoice and prefer to find You without finding You rather than finding You and not finding You 27 . 11. Hear, Lord! Woe to human sins. And the man says this, and You pity him, for You created him, but did not create sin in him. Who will remind me of the sin of my infancy? After all, no one is clean from sin before You, not even a baby whose life on earth is one day. Who will remind me? Some little one in whom I will see what I don’t remember in myself? So, what did I sin then? The one who, crying, reached for his chest? If I do this now and, with my mouth open, reach not only for my breast, but for food suitable for my age, then I will, in all fairness, be ridiculed and scolded. And then, therefore, I deserved scolding, but since I could not understand the scolder, it was neither accepted nor reasonable to scold me. As we age, we eradicate and discard such habits. I have not seen a knowledgeable person who, when cleaning a plant, would throw away good branches 28. However, was it good, even for one’s age, to strive with tears even for what would be given to harm? to be cruelly indignant at people who are not under their control, free and elders, including their parents, to try to the best of their ability to beat up reasonable people who do not obey the first demand because they did not obey orders, the obedience of which would be disastrous? Babies are innocent in their bodily weakness, and not in their soul. I saw and observed the jealous little one: he had not yet spoken, but he was pale and looked with bitterness at his foster brother. Who doesn't know such examples? Mothers and nurses say that they atone for this, I don’t know by what means 29 . Maybe this is also innocence, with a source of milk, generously pouring out and abundant, not being able to bear a comrade, completely helpless, living only on this food? All these phenomena are meekly tolerated, not because they are insignificant or unimportant, but because over the years they will pass. And You confirm this by the fact that the same cannot be seen calmly at the age of over 30. 12. Lord my God, it was You who gave the baby life and a body, which you equipped, as we see, with feelings, firmly united his limbs, adorned him, and instilled in him the desire inherent in every living creature for the fullness and preservation of life. You command me to praise You for this, “to confess You and sing praises to Your name, O Most High,” 31 for You would be omnipotent and good if You only did this, which no one could do except You; The only One from Whom is all measure, the Most Beautiful, Who makes everything beautiful and orders everything according to His law. This age, Lord, about which I do not remember that I lived, regarding which I rely on others, and in which, as I guess from other babies, I somehow acted, I do not want, despite my very fair guesses, to be included in this life of mine that I live in this world. In terms of the completeness of my oblivion, this period is equal to that which I spent in my mother’s womb. And if “I was conceived in iniquity, and my mother nourished me in sins in her womb” 32, then where, my God, where, Lord, am I, Thy servant, where or when was I innocent? No, I'm missing this time; and what do I care about him when I can’t find any trace of him? 13. Have I not, moving towards the present time, passed from infancy to childhood? Or rather, it came to me and replaced infancy. Infancy has not disappeared - where did it go? and yet he was no longer there. I was no longer the baby who couldn't speak, but the boy who spoke. And I remember this, and later I realized where I learned to speak. The elders did not teach me by presenting me with words in a certain and systematic order, as they did a little later with letters. I acted according to my own reason, which You gave me, my God. When I wanted to communicate my heart desires with screams, various sounds and various body movements and achieve their fulfillment, I found myself unable to either get everything I wanted or let everyone I wanted know about it. I caught in my memory 33 when adults named some thing and turned to it based on this word; I saw it and remembered: the sounded word is the name of exactly this thing. That the adults wanted to call her, this was evident from their gestures, from this natural language of all peoples, composed of facial expressions, winks, various body movements and sounds, expressing the state of the soul, which asks, receives, rejects, avoids. I gradually began to understand what the words that were in their place in different sentences and that I often heard were signs of. I forced my lips to cope with these signs and began to express my desires with them. Thus, in order to express my desires, I began to communicate with those among whom I lived with these signs; I entered deeper into the turbulent life of human society, depending on my parents’ orders and the will of my elders. 14. My God, God, what misfortunes and mockery I experienced then. I, a boy, was asked to behave as I should: to obey those who urged me to seek success in this world and improve in the rhetoric that is earned by human honor and deceptive wealth. They sent me to school to learn to read and write. To my misfortune, I did not understand what use it had, but if I was lazy in learning, they beat me; the elders approved of this custom. Many people who lived before us paved these sorrowful paths along which we were forced to pass; labor and sorrow were multiplied for the sons of Adam. I met, Lord, people who prayed to You, and from them I learned, comprehending You to the best of my ability, that You are Someone Big and can, even remaining hidden to our feelings, hear us and help us. And I began to pray to You, “My Help and My Refuge,” 34 and, calling on You, I overcame my tongue-tiedness. Small, but with considerable fervor, I prayed that I would not be beaten at school. And since You did not hear me - which was not to my detriment 35 - the adults, including my parents, who never wanted anything bad to happen to me, continued to laugh at these beatings, my great and grave misfortune at that time. 15. Is there, Lord, a person so great in spirit, clinging to You with such great love, is there, I say, a person who is so highly disposed in his pious love that the rack, cats and similar torments, for deliverance from which everyone everywhere begs You with great trepidation, would be nothing to him? (Sometimes this happens due to some stupidity.) Could they laugh at those who cruelly cowarded this, as our parents laughed at the tortures to which our teachers subjected us boys? I did not cease to be afraid of them and did not cease to ask You for deliverance from them, 36 and continued to sin, practicing less in writing, in reading and in thinking about lessons than was required of me. I, Lord, did not lack either memory or abilities with which You wished to sufficiently endow me, but I loved to play, and for this I was punished by those who themselves did, of course, the same thing. The amusements of adults are called business, and for children they are also business, 37 but adults punish them for them, and no one feels sorry for either children or adults. Would a fair judge approve of the beatings that I suffered because I played ball and during this game forgot to learn the letters with which I, an adult, played an uglier game? The mentor who beat me was not doing the same thing as me? If a fellow scientist defeated him in some question, was he less choked by bile and envy than I was when a fellow player got the better of me in a ball competition? 16. And yet I sinned, Lord God, who restrains everything in the world and created everything; sins are only restrained. Lord my God, I have sinned by violating the instructions of my parents and teachers. After all, I was subsequently able to make good use of literacy, which, at the request of my loved ones, whatever their intentions, I had to master. I was disobedient not because I chose the better part, but out of love for the game; I loved winning competitions and was proud of these victories. I amused my ears with false tales that only aroused curiosity, and I was more and more tempted to look with my own eyes at the spectacles and games of the elders. Those who organize them have such a high rank 38 that almost everyone wants it for their children, and at the same time willingly allow themselves to be flogged if these spectacles interfere with their teaching; parents want it to give their children the opportunity to put on the same spectacles. Look at this, Lord, with a merciful eye and free us, who are already calling on You; free also those who do not yet call on You; let them call upon You, and You shall set them free. 17. As a boy, I heard about eternal life promised to us through the humiliation of our Lord, who descended to our pride. I was marked by His sign of the cross and salted with His salt upon leaving the womb of my mother, 39 who trusted much in You. You saw, Lord, when I was still a boy, one day I became so ill from sudden cramps in my stomach that I was almost dying; You saw it. My God, for even then You were my guardian, with what emotional impulse and with what faith I demanded from my pious mother and from our common mother the Church, that I be baptized in the name of Thy Christ, my God and Lord. And my mother according to the flesh, who with faith in You carefully nurtured my eternal salvation in her pure heart, in confusion hurried to wash me and introduce me to Your Holy Mysteries, Lord Jesus, for the sake of the remission of my sins, when suddenly I recovered. Thus, my cleansing was postponed, as if it was necessary so that, if I remained to live, I would wallow even more in the mud; Apparently, the dirt of the crimes committed after this ablution was imputed to a greater and more terrible guilt. So, I already believed, my mother and the whole house believed, except for my father, who, however, did not overcome the lessons of my mother’s piety in me and did not keep me from believing in Christ, in whom he himself did not yet believe. My mother tried to make sure that You, Lord, were my father rather than him, and You helped her in this to gain the upper hand over her husband, to whom she, surpassing him, obeyed, for in this too, of course, she obeyed You and Your command. 18. Lord, I want to know, if You please, with what intention my Baptism was postponed then: was it for the good that the reins of my sinful inclinations were given to me? or were they not released? Why is it that the word still rings in my ears from all sides, now about one person, then about another: “leave him, let him do it: after all, he has not yet been baptized.” When it comes to bodily health, we don’t say: “Leave him alone, let him still be wounded: he has not yet recovered.” How much better and sooner would I have been cured if I had taken care of this myself and together with my loved ones, so that the spiritual salvation bestowed by You would be overshadowed by Your shadow. It would, of course, be better. However, what a storm of temptations hangs over a person after leaving childhood, my mother knew this and preferred that it would break out over the dust of the earth, which will then be transformed, than over the very image of God 40. 19. In my childhood, which inspired less danger than youth, I did not like activities and could not stand being forced into them; I was nevertheless forced, and it was good for me, but I myself did not do well; If I wasn't forced, I wouldn't study. No one does anything well if it is against their will, even if a person does something good. And those who forced me did wrong, but it turned out to be good for me according to Your will, Lord. After all, they only thought that I would apply what I was forced to learn to satiate the insatiable thirst for poor wealth and shameful fame. But you, “whose hairs are numbered” 41, used, for my benefit, the error of all those who insisted that I study, and my own reluctance to learn. You used for my punishment, which I fully deserved, I, a little boy and a great sinner. Thus, through those who did wrong, You did good to me and justly rewarded me for my own sins. You commanded - and so it is - that every disordered soul should bear its own punishment within itself 42 . 20. What, however, was the reason that I hated the Greek with which I was fed from early childhood? This is still not entirely clear to me. I loved Latin very much, but not what they teach in primary schools, but the lessons of the so-called grammarians 43 . The initial learning of reading, writing and arithmetic seemed to me as painful and painful as all Greek 44 . Where does this come from, if not from sin and worldly vanity, for “I was flesh and breath, wandering and not returning” 45. This initial training, which eventually gave me the opportunity to both read what was written and write whatever I wanted, was, of course, better and more reliable than those lessons in which I was forced to memorize the wanderings of some Aeneas 46, forgetting about my own; to cry over the dead Dido, who committed suicide out of love - and this at a time when I, unfortunate one, did not shed tears over myself, dying in the midst of these activities for You, Lord, my Life. 21. What could be more pitiful than the pathetic one who does not pity himself and mourns Dido, who died of love for Aeneas, and does not mourn himself, who is dying because there is no love in him for You, Lord, Light that illuminates my heart; Bread for the mouth of my soul, Power that fertilizes my mind and the bosom of my thoughts. I didn’t love You, I cheated on You, and cries of approval rang around the traitor. Friendship with this world is betrayal of You 47: it is welcomed and approved so that a person is ashamed if he behaves differently from everyone else. And I did not cry about this, but cried about Dido, “who faded away, who followed to the last limit” 48 - I, who myself followed Your last creations 49, who abandoned You, I, the earth going to the earth. And I would be sad if I were forbidden to read this, because I could not read the book I was sad about. And these nonsense are considered more honorable and higher education than learning to read and write. 22. Lord, let my soul now exclaim and let Your truth tell me: “This is not so, this is not so.” Much higher, of course, is a simple diploma. I am ready to forget about the wanderings of Aeneas and everything else of the same kind rather than forget how to read and write. Banners hang over the entrance to grammar schools, but this is not a sign of secrecy that inspires respect; this is a cover for delusion 50. Let those whom I no longer fear raise a cry against me, confessing to You, my God, what my soul desires: I calm down by condemning my evil ways, in order to love Your good ways. Let not the sellers and buyers of literary wisdom raise a cry against me; for if I ask them the question whether the poet is telling the truth that Aeneas once arrived in Carthage, the less educated will say that they do not know, and those who are more educated will definitely answer that it is not true. If I ask what letters the name “Aeneas” consists of, then everyone who has learned to read and write will answer me correctly, in accordance with the agreement by which people decided to establish the meaning of these signs 51 . And if I ask what will cause them more difficulties in life: whether because they forget their literacy, or because they forget these poetic inventions, then isn’t it obvious how a person of sound mind will answer? Consequently, I sinned as a boy, preferring empty tales to useful lessons, or rather, hating some and loving others. One yes one - two; two and two are four; I hated to draw out this song 52 and the vanity spectacle was sweet: a wooden horse full of armed men, the fire of Troy and “the shadow of Creusa herself” 53. 23. Why did I hate Greek literature, which is full of such stories? Homer knows how to skillfully weave such fables; in his vanity he is so sweet, and yet to me, a boy, he was bitter. I think Virgil is the same for Greek boys if they are forced to study him as I was forced to study Homer. Difficulties, apparently ordinary difficulties in learning a foreign language, sprinkled, as if with bile, all the charm of Greek fables. I didn’t yet know a single word in Greek, but they pressured me to learn it, giving me no rest, no time, and frightening me with cruel punishments. There was a time when I, as a baby, did not know a single word of Latin, but I learned it by ear, without any fear or torment, from nurses who joked and played with me, amidst affectionate speech, fun and laughter. I learned it without painful and painful coercion, for my heart compelled me to give birth to what was conceived, and it was impossible to give birth 54 without learning, not in lessons, but in conversation, those words with which I conveyed to the ears of others what I thought. From this it is clear that for learning a language, free curiosity is much more important than formidable necessity 55. The second places a dam on the flow of the first - according to Your laws, Lord, according to Your laws that govern both the teaching line and the temptations of the righteous - according to the laws that powerfully determine the flow of saving bitterness, calling us back to You from the poisonous sweetness that forced us to move away from You. 24. Hear, O Lord, my prayer, may my soul not weaken under Your leadership, may I not weaken, testifying before You about Your mercy, which snatched me from all my evil ways; become for me sweeter than all the temptations 56 that captivated me; May I love You with all my might, cling to Your hand with all my heart; deliver me from every temptation until the end of my days. Behold, Lord, You are my King and my God, and may all the good things that I learned as a boy serve You, may my word, and writing, and reading, and counting serve You. When I was engaged in vain science, You took me under Your authority and forgave me the sin of my passion for this vanity. I learned a lot of useful words there, too, although they could have been learned by studying non-vain subjects: this is the right path that children should follow. 25. Woe to you, human custom, which catches us in its flood! Who will oppose you? When will you dry up? 57 How long will you carry the sons of Eve into the huge and terrible sea, which even those who boarded the ship swim across with difficulty? 58 Did I not read, carried away by this stream, about Jupiter, both thundering and committing adultery? This is impossible at the same time, but it is written this way in order to depict as real adultery, committed under the roar of imaginary thunder - the procurer 59. Which of these teachers in cloaks 60 listens with a sober ear to the words of a man created from the same dust and exclaimed: “These are the inventions of Homer: he transferred human properties to the gods - I would prefer that divine ones to us”? 61 It is more correct, however, to say that fictions are fictions; but when divine dignity is attributed to criminal people, 62 then crimes cease to be considered crimes, and the one who commits them seems to be an imitator not of lost people, but of the gods themselves - the celestials. 26. And yet, the sons of men are thrown into you, hellish stream, to teach this, and for a fee! What a great thing is being done, done publicly, in the forum, in the face of laws that, in addition to the fees from students, also require fees from the city! 63 You hit the waves against your rocks and ring: “Here they learn words, here they acquire eloquence, which is absolutely necessary to convince and develop their thoughts.” We really would not have recognized such words as: “golden shower”, “womb”, “deception”, “heavenly church” and other words written there if Terence had not brought out the young rake; who, having examined the picture painted on the wall, takes Jupiter as a model for his debauchery. The painting depicted how Jupiter once rained gold into Danaë’s womb and deceived the woman. And look how he kindles his lust, as if taught from heaven: And what a god, who shook the heavenly church with great thunder! Well, how can I, a small person, not do the same? 64 No, it is not true, it is not true that it is easier to memorize these words due to their vile content; Such words make it easier to commit these abominations. I condemn not the words, these choice and precious vessels, but the wine of error that drunken teachers offer us in them; if we didn’t drink it, we would be whipped and not allowed to call a sober person to judge. And yet, my God, before Your eyes I can already calmly remember this: I willingly learned this, enjoyed it, unhappy one, and therefore I was called a boy of great promise. 27. Allow me, Lord, to tell you on what nonsense I wasted my abilities, bestowed by You. I was offered a task that did not give my soul peace: to deliver a speech to Juno, angry and saddened by the fact that she could not turn the king of the Teucrians away from Italy 65. The reward was praise; the punishment is shame and rods. I have never heard Juno make such a speech, but we were forced to wander in the wake of poetic inventions and say in prose as the poet said in verse. Particularly praised was the one who was able to express anger and sadness in a concise and similar manner in accordance with the dignity of the fictitious person and to dress his thoughts in suitable words. What do I care about that, my God, my true Life! What does it matter to me if I received more applause for my recitations than many of my peers and fellow students? Isn't it all smoke and wind? Weren't there other topics to exercise my abilities and my language? Praises to You, O Lord, praises to You from Your Scripture should serve as support for the shoots of my heart! He would not have been seized by empty trinkets, like the pitiful prey of a winged flock 66 . After all, sacrifice is made in more than one way by apostate angels. 28. Is it surprising that I was carried away by vanity and I left you, Lord, into the external? 67 After all, I was given as an example people who were confused by reproaches for barbarism or solecism, which they committed in reporting about their good deeds, and were proud of praise for the story of their adventures, if it was eloquent and decorated, composed in words that were faithful and correctly coordinated. You see this, Lord, and remain silent, “long-suffering, abundant in mercy and just.” Will you always be silent? And now You are tearing out from this bottomless abyss a soul seeking You and thirsting for Your delight, a person “whose heart says to You: I have sought Your face; Your face, O Lord, I will seek." 68 I was far from Your face, darkened by passion. After all, they leave You and return to You not with their feet and not in space. Was Your youngest son looking for horses, a cart or a ship for himself? Did he fly away on visible wings or set out on the road on foot, so that, living in a distant land, he would squander and squander the fortune that You gave him before leaving? You gave it, tender Father, and were even more tender to the returning beggar. He lived in debauchery, that is, in the darkness of passions, and this means being far from Your face 69. 29. Look, Lord, and patiently, as You look, see how carefully the sons of men observe the rules concerning letters and syllables, which they received from former masters of speech, and how they neglect the immutable rules of eternal salvation received from You. If a person familiar with these old rules regarding sounds or teaching them, contrary to grammar, pronounces the word homo without aspiration in the first syllable 70, then people will be more indignant than if, contrary to Your commandments, he, man, hates man. Can any enemy really be more dangerous than the hatred itself raging against this enemy? Is it possible, by pursuing another, to destroy him more terrible than enmity destroys one’s own heart? And, of course, knowledge of grammar lives no deeper in the heart than the consciousness imprinted on it that you are doing to others what you yourself would not want to tolerate. How far are You, dwelling on the heights in silence, Lord, the One, the Great, sending, according to the vigilant law, punishing blindness to illicit passions! When a person, in pursuit of the glory of an eloquent speaker in front of a human judge, surrounded by a crowd of people, pursues his enemy in inhuman hatred, he is in every possible way wary of a slip of the tongue “among people” 71 and is not at all careful in his fury to remove a person from among people. 30. This is the threshold of what kind of life I was, unfortunate, and this is the arena in which I trained. It was more terrible for me to allow barbarism than to guard against envy of those who did not allow it when I did. I tell You about this, Lord, and confess before You, for which people praised me, whose approval determined a decent life for me then. I did not see the abyss of abominations into which “I was cast out of Thy sight” 72 . How disgusting I was then, even if I caused displeasure to even these people, endlessly deceiving the educator, teachers, and parents out of love for fun, out of a desire to watch an empty spectacle, out of cheerful and restless monkeying. I stole from my parents' pantry and from the table out of gluttony or to have something to pay the boys who sold me their toys, although for them they were the same joy as for me. In the game, I often tricked myself into winning, myself defeated by an empty thirst for superiority. Didn’t I do to others what I myself never wanted to experience, and cruelly scolded those caught? And if I was accused and scolded, I became furious and did not yield. And this is childish innocence? No, Lord, no! let me say this, my God. All this is the same: at the beginning of life - educators, teachers, nuts, balls, sparrows; when a person became an adult - prefects, kings, gold, estates, slaves - in essence, all this is the same, only the ruler is replaced by severe punishments. When You said, our King: “Of such is the Kingdom of Heaven,” 73 You approved of humility, the symbol of which is the small figurine of a child. 31. And yet, Lord, most perfect and good Creator and Ruler of the universe, I thank You, even if You wanted me not to leave childhood. I was already there then, I lived and felt; I cared about my Safety - a trace of the mysterious unity from which I arose 74. Driven by an inner feeling 75, I preserved my feelings: I rejoiced in the truth in my insignificant thoughts and about insignificant objects. I didn’t want to get into trouble, I had an excellent memory, I learned to speak, I was touched by friendship, I avoided pain, contempt, and ignorance. What does not deserve surprise and praise in such a creature? And all these are gifts of my God; I did not give them to myself; all this is good, and all this is me. Good, therefore, is He who created me, and He Himself is my good, and, rejoicing, I thank Him for all the blessings thanks to which I have existed since childhood. I sinned in that I sought pleasure, height and truth not in Himself, but in His creatures 76: in myself and in others, and thus fell into suffering, confusion and mistakes. I thank You, my joy, my honor, my support, my God; I thank You for Your gifts: preserve them for me. So You will preserve me, and what You have given me will increase and become perfect, and I myself will be with You, for You have given me life itself. I want to remember my past abominations and the carnal corruption of my soul, not because I love them, but in order to love You, my God. Out of love for Your love I do this, in bitter sadness I go through my criminal ways. Make me glad, Lord, true Joy, Joy of happiness and serenity, gather me, who in my scattering and fragmentation have turned away from You, the One, and have been lost in many things 77 . Once in my youth my heart burned to be filled with hell, my soul was not afraid to be thickly overgrown with the weeds of dark love, my beauty faded away, and I became rotten before Your eyes, liking myself and wanting to please the eyes of men. 2. What gave me pleasure if not to love and be loved? Only my soul, reaching out to another soul, did not know how to keep the measure, stopping at the bright line of friendship; the fog rose from the swamp of carnal desires and the surging maturity, clouded and darkened my heart, and behind the haze of lust the clear light of affection could no longer be discerned. Both boiled, merging together, carried the fragile young man along the steep slopes of passions and plunged him into the abyss of vices. Your anger prevailed over me, and I did not know it. I became deaf from the ringing of the chain imposed by my mortality, the punishment for the pride of my soul 78. I was moving further and further from You, and You allowed it; I rushed about, wasted myself, wasted, seethed in my debauchery, and You were silent. Oh, my late joy! 79 You were silent then, and I went further and further from You, in the pride of fall and restless fatigue, cultivating a rich crop of fruitless sorrows. 3. Who would put my grief in order, would turn the elusive charm of every novelty to my benefit, would set a limit to my hobbies? Let the storm of my age break on the shore of married life, and if there can be no peace in it, let me be content with the birth of children, according to the prescriptions of your law, Lord! You create offspring for us mortals, and with a gentle hand you can break off the sharp thorns that do not grow in Your paradise 81. Your omnipotence is not far from us, even if we are far from You. If only I had listened more attentively to the voice of your clouds 82: “They will have sorrows in the flesh, and I will deliver you from them” 83 and “it is good for a man not to touch a woman” 84, and “the unmarried man cares about the Lord, how to please the Lord, and the married man cares about the worldly things, how to please his wife.” I wish I had listened more carefully to these words! Castrated for the sake of the Kingdom of Heaven, I, happy, would await Your embrace. 4. Passions were boiling inside me, the unfortunate one; carried away by their stormy stream, I left You, I transgressed all Your laws and did not escape Your scourge; and which mortal left? You are always around, merciful in cruelty, who has sprinkled all my illicit joys with bitter, bitter disappointment - so that I seek joy that knows no disappointment. Only in You could I find it, only in You, Lord, Who creates sorrow for instruction, strikes in order to heal 85, kills so that we do not die without You. Where was I? How far I wandered from Thy happy home at this sixteen-year-old age of my flesh, when an insane lust, permitted by human disgrace, but not permitted by Thy laws, raised its scepter over me and completely conquered me. My relatives did not bother to catch me falling and marry me; they only cared that I learned to speak as best as possible and to convince with my speech. 5. This year, however, my studies were interrupted: I returned from Madavra 86, a neighboring city, where I had moved to study literature and oratory; they saved money for a longer trip to Carthage, which his father’s ambition required and his means did not allow: he was a rather poor man in Tagaste. Who am I telling this to? Not to You, Lord, but before You, I tell it to my family, the human family, no matter how insignificant the number of those who will fall into the hands of this book. And why? Of course, so that I and everyone reading think, “from what abyss we have to cry to You” 87. And what is closer than Your ears to the heart that confesses to You and lives according to Your faith? Who did not then praise my earthly father for spending more than his means on his son, even giving him the opportunity to travel far for the sake of his studies? Many, much wealthier townspeople did nothing like that for their children. And at the same time, this father did not pay any attention to how I was growing before You and whether I remained in chastity - if only I was glorified in eloquence, or rather, left under Your care, Lord, the only, true and good owner of Your field, my heart. 6. At the age of sixteen, having interrupted school due to domestic circumstances, I lived with my parents at leisure, doing nothing, and the thorny thicket of my lusts grew above my head; there was no hand to uproot it. On the contrary, when my father saw in the bathhouse that I was becoming a man, that I was already in the clothes of youthful anxiety, he joyfully informed my mother about this, as if he was already dreaming of future grandchildren, rejoicing in the intoxication in which this world forgets You, its Creator, and loves Your creation instead of You, drinking in the invisible wine of a perverted, downward-sloping will. In the heart of my mother, however, You founded Your church and laid the foundation of Your holy abode; my father was only a catechumen, and only recently. She was beside herself with pious excitement and fear: although I had not yet been baptized, she was afraid for me of the crooked paths along which those who turn their backs to You and not their faces walk. 7. Woe is me! And I dare to say that You were silent, Lord, when I left You! Are they really that silent?! Who, if not You, owned the words that You repeated in my ears through my mother, Your faithful servant? Not a single one of them reached my heart, I didn’t listen to a single one of them. My mother wanted me not to become dissolute, and was especially afraid of having a relationship with a married woman - I remember with what anxiety she persuaded me in private. This seemed to me like feminine persuasion; I was ashamed to listen to them. But in fact they were Yours, but I didn’t know this and thought that You were silent, and my mother was speaking. You spoke to me through her, and in her I despised You, I, her son, “the son of Your handmaid, Your servant” 88 I did not know this, and I rolled headlong down, blinded so much that I was ashamed in front of my peers of my small depravity. I listened to them boast of their crimes; the more vile they were, the more they boasted of themselves. I liked to be debauched not only out of love for debauchery, but also out of vanity. Isn't vice reprehensible? And I, fearing censure, became more vicious, and if there was no offense in which I could be compared with other scoundrels, then I imagined that I had done something that I actually did not do, so that they would not despise me for my innocence and would not put a penny on me for my chastity. 8. These are the comrades with whom I walked through the squares of “Babylon” 89 and wallowed in its dirt, as if in cinnamon and precious fragrances. And so that I would get stuck more firmly in its very quagmire, the invisible enemy trampled me there, without ceasing his temptations. And I was easy to seduce. And she who had already “fled from the middle of Babylon” 90 and slowly walked along its outskirts, my mother according to the flesh, who persuaded me to maintain purity, did not, however, bother to curb with marital affection what she heard from her husband, if it was impossible to cut it down to living flesh. And she understood the destructiveness of this in those days and the danger in the future. She did not take care of my marriage out of fear that the marriage blocks would prevent the fulfillment of hopes - not those hopes for a future life placed on You by my mother - but hopes for success in the sciences, which I had to study according to the ardent desire of both my father and mother: my father wanted this because he had almost no thoughts about You, and about me they were empty; my mother believed that these activities in the future not only would not bring me harm, but to some extent would help me find You. So I guess, reflecting as best I can on the character of my parents. I was even given greater freedom in my amusements than was required by reasonable severity, and I uncontrollably indulged in various passions, which with their darkness obscured from me, O Lord, the radiance of Thy truth, and my unrighteousness grew, as if on rich soil 91 . 9 . Theft, of course, is punished according to Your law, Lord, and according to the law written in the human heart, 92 which untruth itself cannot destroy. Is there a thief who would calmly tolerate a thief? And the rich man does not tolerate a person forced to steal by poverty. I wanted to commit theft, and I committed it, driven not by poverty or hunger, but out of disgust for justice and out of gluttony with sin. I stole what I had in abundance and what was much better: I wanted to enjoy not what I was trying to steal, but the theft and sin itself. Next to our vineyard stood a pear tree, weighed down with fruits that were not at all tempting in appearance or taste. Wretched boys, we went to shake it off and take our spoils in the dead of midnight; according to the destructive custom, our street fun dragged on until this time. We took away a huge load from there not for food for ourselves (even if we ate something); and we were ready to throw it away even to the pigs, just to commit an act that was pleasant because it was forbidden. Here is my heart, Lord, here is my heart, over which You had compassion when it was at the bottom of the abyss. Let my heart tell you now why it sought to be evil without any purpose. The cause of my depravity was only my depravity. She was nasty, and I loved her; I loved destruction; I loved my fall; not what caused me to fall; I loved my very fall, a vile soul, sliding from Your fortress into destruction, seeking what I wanted not through vice, but seeking vice itself. 10. There is a charm in beautiful objects, gold, silver and so on; only mutual affection makes bodily touch pleasant; each sense is told by the features of objects perceived by it 93 . There is beauty in earthly honors, in the right to command and to stand at the head; it makes even the slave greedily strive for freedom 94. It is impossible, however, in pursuit of all this, to depart from You, Lord, and to move away from Your law. The life we ​​live here has its own charm: it has a certain splendor of its own, corresponding to all earthly beauty. Sweet is human friendship, binding many into one with sweet ties. For the sake of all this, man allows himself to sin and, in an immoderate inclination towards such lower blessings, 95 abandons the Best and the Highest, You, Lord our God, Your righteousness and Your law. These lower joys have their own delight, but not the same as in my God, Who created everything, for “in Him the righteous delight, and He Himself is the delight of the upright in heart” 96 . 11. So, when asked why a crime was committed, it usually seems probable only if one can detect either a desire to achieve any of those goods that we have called lower, or fear of their loss. They are beautiful and honorable, although in comparison with the highest, the happy ones, they are despicable and base. He killed a man. Why? He fell in love with his wife or he liked his estate; he wanted to rob him in order to live on it; he was afraid that he would cause him major losses; he was offended and eager to take revenge. Would a person commit murder without a reason, out of pleasure in the murder itself? Who will believe this? Even for that cruel madman, about whom it is said that he was angry and cruel just like that, without any reason, the reason is given: “The hand and soul should not become sluggish from inaction” 97. What's the matter? Why? So that, committing crime after crime, after taking the city, receive honors, power, wealth; so as not to be afraid of the laws and not to live in difficult circumstances, in need and aware of their crimes. Catiline himself, therefore, did not like his crimes and, in any case, committed them for the sake of something. 12. What was so sweet about you, my wretch, my theft, my night crime, committed at the age of sixteen? You weren't fine being a thief; Do you even imagine anything worth talking to You about? Beautiful were those fruits that we stole, because they were Your creation, most beautiful of all, Creator of all, good Lord, You, the highest good and my true good; those fruits were beautiful, but they were not what my pitiful soul desired. I had the best ones in abundance: I picked them only to steal them. I threw away what I had picked, having tasted one lie, which I joyfully enjoyed. If I put any of these fruits into my mouth, then the seasoning for it was a crime. Lord my God, I ask now, what gave me pleasure in this theft? There is no attractiveness in it, not to mention the kind that exists in justice and prudence, which exists in the human mind, in memory, feelings and a life full of strength; there is no beauty of the stars decorating their places; the beauty of the earth and sea, full of creatures succeeding each other in birth and death; it does not even have that flawed and imaginary attractiveness that seductive vice has. 13. And pride pretends to be the height of the soul, although You alone rise above everyone, Lord. Doesn't ambition seek honor and glory? But You alone must be honored above all and glorified forever. And the cruel power wants to instill fear - but who should be feared except God alone? What can be snatched away or hidden from His power? When, where, how, with whose help? And the tenderness of a lover seeks reciprocal love, but there is nothing more tender than Your mercy, and there is no love more saving than the love for Your truth, which is more beautiful and brighter than anything in the world. And curiosity, apparently, diligently seeks knowledge - but You alone possess its fullness. Even ignorance and stupidity are hidden behind the names of simplicity and innocence, but nothing can be found simpler than You. What's more innocent than You? - after all, their own deeds turn to the evil ones in grief 98 . Laziness seems to be a desire for peace, but only the Lord has true peace. Luxury wants to be called contentment and prosperity. You are the fullness and inexhaustible abundance of sweetness that knows no damage. Extravagance takes the form of generosity, but you distribute all blessings in abundance. Avarice wants to own many things; You own everything. Envy fights for superiority - what is superior to You? Anger seeks revenge - who will take revenge more justly than You? Fear, fearing an unusual and sudden misfortune, tries in advance to ensure the safety of what it loves. What is unusual for you? What's sudden? Who can take away from You what You love? And where, besides You, is there complete safety? People are killed in sadness, having lost what their greed enjoyed, which does not want to lose anything - but only nothing can be taken away from You 99 . 14. Thus the soul commits fornication, having turned away from You and seeking outside of You that which it will find pure and unadulterated only by returning to You. All who move away from You and rise up against You are likened to You in a distorted form 100 . But even with such a comparison, they testify that You are the Creator of the whole world, and therefore there is nowhere to escape from You. So, what was nice about that theft to me? And in what distorted and perverted way did I resemble my Lord? Or was it pleasant for me to at least deceive the law, since I could not crush it openly, and I, as a prisoner, created for myself a scanty semblance of freedom, doing with impunity what was forbidden, comforting myself with the shadow and semblance of omnipotence? Here is a slave running away from his master and overtaken by a shadow 101. O decay, oh the horror of life, oh the depth of death! Can something that is forbidden be pleasant only because it is forbidden? 15. “What will I render to the Lord” 102 of what my memory has collected and before which my soul would not be afraid? I will love You, Lord, I will thank You, I will confess Your Name, for You have forgiven me so much evil and crime! By Your mercy and by Your mercy You have melted my sins like ice. By Your mercy, You did not allow me to commit certain atrocities - and what would I not have done, I, who unselfishly loved crime? And I testify that everything has been forgiven me: both the evil that I committed of my own free will, and that which I did not commit, guided by You. Which person, reflecting on his weakness, will dare to attribute his chastity and innocence to his own strength and begin to love You less? - as if he doesn’t need Your mercy, by which You forgive the sins of those who turn to You? 103 And let the person whom You called and who, following Your voice, avoided what he reads about in my memoirs and in my confessions, do not laugh at me: after all, I, the sick one, was cured by that Physician who did not let him get sick, or rather, did not let him get sick so badly. Let him love You for this just as much, no, even more. For he will see who delivered me from such infirmities of sin, and he will see that it is the same one through whom he is not entangled in the same infirmities of sin. 16. What did I, unfortunate one, gain from that, remembering about which I now blush, especially from that theft, in which the theft itself and nothing else was sweet to me? And in itself it was nothing, and that in itself made me even more pitiful. And yet, as far as I remember my then state of mind, I alone would not have accomplished it; There is no way I could have done it alone. Consequently, I also loved the community of those with whom I stole here. I loved, therefore, something else besides stealing, but even this something was nothing. What is it really? Who will teach me except the One who enlightens my heart and dispels its shadows? Why does it occur to me to ask, discuss and think? After all, if I liked the fruits that I stole, and I would like to eat them, if it was enough for me to commit this lawlessness for my own pleasure, then I could act alone. There was no point in fueling the itch of one’s own desire by scratching it against one’s accomplices. The pleasure, however, was not in those fruits for me; it was in the crime itself and was created by the community of those who sinned together. 17. What kind of state of mind was this? Of course, it was very vile, and woe was to me that I experienced it. What was it, however? “Who understands crime?” 104 We laughed as if from a tickle in the heart, because we deceived those who would not have thought that we could steal, and would vehemently oppose it. Why did I enjoy the fact that I was not acting alone? Is it because a person does not laugh easily in private? It’s not easy, that’s true, and yet, sometimes laughter takes over people completely alone, when there is no one else, if they imagine or remember something very funny. And I wouldn’t have done this alone, I wouldn’t have done it alone. Here, Lord, before You I vividly remember my condition. I would not have committed this theft alone, in which I liked not what was stolen, but the theft itself; I wouldn’t like to steal alone, I wouldn’t steal 105. Oh, enemy friendship, elusive depravity of the mind, the desire to harm for fun and laughter! The desire for someone else's loss without the pursuit of one's own benefit, without any thirst for revenge, but simply because they say: “let's go, let's do it,” and it is a shame not to be shameless. 18. Who will understand these tangled twists? They are disgusting: I don’t want to dwell on them, I don’t want to see them. I want You, Justice and Innocence, beautiful with Your honest Light, satiating without satiety. You have great peace and a serene life. Whoever enters into You enters into “the joy of his master” 106 and will not fear, and will live happily in the fullness of good. In my youth I fell away from You, Lord, I wandered far from Your stronghold and became for myself a region of poverty 107 . I arrived in Carthage; all around me a cauldron of shameful love was boiling 108. I didn’t love yet, but I longed to love, and in my secret need I hated myself for not being in such need yet. I was looking for something to love, loving love: I hated calm and a road without traps 109. Inside I had a hunger for inner food, for You Yourself, my God, but I was not languishing with this hunger, I had no desire for incorruptible food, not because I was full of it: the more I hungered, the more I disdained it. Therefore, there was no health in my soul: all in ulcers, it rushed into the external, greedily trying to scratch itself, pitiful, oh sensual beings. But if they did not have a soul, they, of course, could not be loved. It is sweeter for me to love and be loved if I could take possession of my beloved. I have muddied the source of friendship with the mud of lust; I dimmed her shine with the hellish breath of desire. Ugly and dishonest, in my immense vanity I greedily wanted to be refined and worldly. I rushed into love, I longed to surrender to it. My merciful God, with what gall You poured this sweetness on me in Your goodness. I was loved, I secretly made my way into the prison of pleasure, cheerfully put on the shackles of sorrows so that jealousy, suspicion, fears, anger and quarrels would flog me with their red-hot iron rods. 2. I was fascinated by theatrical spectacles; they were full of images of my misfortunes and served as fuel for my fire. Why does a person want to be sad at the sight of sad and tragic events that he himself does not want to experience? And yet he, as a spectator, wants to experience sadness, and this sadness itself is pleasure for him. Amazing madness! A person gets more excited in the theater the less he himself is protected from such experiences, but when he suffers for himself, this is usually called suffering; when he suffers with others - compassion. But how can one have compassion for the fictions on stage? The listener is not called to help; he is only invited to grieve, and the more he grieves, the more favorable he is to the author of these fictions. And if ancient or fictitious disasters are presented in such a way that the viewer does not feel sad, then he goes away, yawning and cursing; if he was made to be sad, then he sits, absorbed in the spectacle, and rejoices. 3. Tears, therefore, are sorrows kind? Every person, of course, wants to rejoice. Nobody wants to suffer, but they want to be compassionate, and since you cannot be compassionate without being sad, isn’t this the only reason why sadness is kind? Compassion flows from the source of friendship 110 . But where is he going? Where does it flow? Why does he fall into a stream of boiling resin, into a ferocious whirlpool of black passions, where he, by his own choice, changes, loses his heavenly clarity, forgets about it. So, away with compassion? No way! May sorrows be sometimes kind. Beware, however, of filth, my soul, you who are under the protection of the God of our fathers, praiseworthy and exalted in all ages 111; beware of filth. And now I am accessible to compassion, but then, in the theater, I rejoiced with the lovers when they enjoyed in shame, although all this was only fiction and theatrical play. When they lost each other, I grieved with them, as if sympathizing with them, and in both cases I enjoyed, however 112. Now I feel more pity for the man who rejoices at his own shame than for the one who imagines that he is suffering cruelly, deprived of ruinous pleasure and the loss of miserable happiness. This, of course, is real compassion, but with it sadness does not bring pleasure. Although a person saddened by another's misfortune is praised for this service of love, a truly merciful person would prefer not to have a reason for his sadness. If malevolent benevolence exists—which is impossible—then a person filled with sincere and real compassion could wish that there were sufferers for whom he would have compassion. There is, therefore, grief that deserves approval; there is no one worthy of love. Lord God, who loves souls, Your compassion is immeasurably purer than ours and more unchangeable precisely because no sorrow can hurt You. “Who is capable of this”? 113 4. But then, unhappy, I loved to be sad and looked for reasons for sadness: the play of an actor who portrayed someone else’s, fictional grief on the stage, I liked more and captured me more strongly if it brought tears. Is it surprising if I, an unfortunate sheep 114 who strayed from Your flock and could not tolerate Your protection, was scalded with a vile scab? That’s why sadness was dear to me - not the kind that penetrates to the depths of my soul: I didn’t like to endure what I loved to look at - the story of imaginary suffering seemed to scratch my skin, and, as if scratching with nails, inflammation and a disgusting purulent swelling began. Such was my life, Lord: was it life? 5. And above me, surrounding me, Thy distant and faithful mercy hovered. I was covered in the pus of what untruth! My curiosity was blasphemous: I left You and reached the abyss of infidelity, to the deceptive pleasing of demons, to whom I sacrificed my evil deeds. And for each of them You scourged me! 115 I dared, even while performing Your service within the church walls, to burn with desire and settle a matter from which death was a sure return: for this You struck me with a heavy punishment, but it was nothing compared to my guilt. O Thou, great in Thy mercy, my Lord, my refuge from the terrible dangers among which I wandered, in proud self-confidence going far from Thee; I loved my ways, not Yours, I loved freedom, the freedom of a runaway slave. 116 6. I was also drawn to those activities that were considered respectable: I dreamed of a forum with its litigation, where I would shine, and I would be showered with praise the more skillfully I lied. Such is human blindness: people boast of their blindness. I was the first in the rhetoric school: I was full of proud joy and puffed up with arrogance. I behaved, however, much calmer. Lord, You know this, and did not take any part in the “overturns” that the “seducers” 117 were engaged in (this ominous devilish name served as a sign of sophistication). I lived among them, shamefully ashamed that I myself was not like that, I was with them, sometimes it was pleasant for me to be friends with them, but their actions were always disgusting to me. It was a daring pursuit of honest newcomers, whom they led astray from the straight path, just for fun, to satiate their evil joy. There is no act more like the acts of the devil 118. It was impossible to call them more accurately than “seducers.” At first they themselves, of course, were seduced and depraved, seduced in secret and ridiculed by lying spirits in their very love for ridicule and lies. 7. Living in such an environment, at my unstable age at that time, I studied books on eloquence, wanting, for reprehensible and frivolous purposes, to the delight of human vanity, to become an outstanding orator. Following the established order of learning, I reached the book of some Cicero, 119 whose language everyone is amazed at, but not so much his heart. This book exhorts one to turn to philosophy and is called “Hortensius” 120. This book changed my condition, changed my prayers and turned them to You, Lord, made my requests and desires different. I was suddenly sick of all the empty hopes; I desired immortal wisdom in my incredible heartfelt turmoil and began to get up to return to You 121. It was not in order to sharpen my language (for this, apparently, I paid with my mother’s money at the age of nineteen; my father had died two years earlier), it was not in order to sharpen my language that I took up this book: it taught me not how to speak, but what to say. 8. How I burned, Lord, how I burned to fly away to You from everything earthly. I didn't understand what You were doing to me. You have wisdom 122. The love of wisdom in Greek is called philosophy; This essay kindled this love in me. There are people who are misled by philosophy, who embellish and embellish their mistakes with this great, affectionate and honest name; Almost all such philosophers, contemporary to the author 123 and who lived before him, are noted in this book and exposed. Here is clearly a saving warning made by Your Spirit through Your faithful and pious servant: “Take care that no one captivates you with philosophy and empty deceptions, according to the tradition of men, according to the elements of the world, and not according to Christ; for in Him dwells all the fullness of the Godhead bodily” 124. At that time, You know this, Light of my heart, these words of the apostle were not yet known to me, and yet I enjoyed this book 125 because it exhorted me to love not this or that school of philosophy, but wisdom itself, whatever it may be; encouraged her to love, to seek, to achieve, to possess her and to cling tightly to her. This speech set me on fire, I was all on fire, and my ardor was weakened by only one thing: the name of Christ was not there, and by Thy mercy, Lord, this name of my Savior, Thy Son, I absorbed with my mother’s milk: it sank deeply into my childish heart, and all the works where this name was not there, even if artistic, polished and full of truth, did not capture me entirely. 9 . So, I decided to take a closer look at the Scriptures and see what it was all about. And now I see something incomprehensible to the proud, dark to children; a building shrouded in mystery, with a low entrance; it gets higher the further you go. I was unable to enter it or tilt my head to move forward. These words of mine do not correspond to the feeling that I experienced when I took up the Scripture: it seemed to me unworthy even of comparison with the dignity of Cicero’s style 126. My arrogance did not reconcile with his simplicity; my wit did not penetrate to its core. It has precisely the property of revealing itself as the child reader grows, but I despised the childish state, and, inflated with arrogance, seemed to be an adult. 10. And so I found myself among people who were proudly raving, too devoted to the flesh and talkative. Their speeches were the devil's nets, bird glue 127, concocted from a mixture of syllables that make up the names: Yours, the Lord Jesus Christ and the Paraclete, our Comforter, the Holy Spirit 128. These names did not leave their lips, remaining only verbal ringing and noise: the truth did not live in their hearts. They repeated: “truth, truth” and told me a lot about it, but they didn’t have it anywhere. They taught falsely not only about You, who is truly the Truth, but also about the elements of the world created by You; and I should have abandoned even those philosophers who speak about this correctly, out of love for You, my Father, the highest good, the beauty of all that is beautiful 129. O Truth, Truth! from the very depths of my soul, even then I sighed for You, and they constantly called me about You, in different ways, in words that remained only words, and in piles of thick books! These were dishes in which I, who hungered for You, were offered instead of You the sun and the moon 130, Your beautiful creations, but only Your creatures, not Yourself, and not even Your first creatures - primacy belongs to Your spiritual creations, and not to these corporeal ones, although they are bright and are in the sky. I hungered and thirsted, however, not for them, the foremost ones, but for You Yourself, the Truth in whom “there is no change, not a shadow of change” 131. These dishes with sparkling ghosts 132 continued to be placed in front of me; It was better, of course, to love this sun, which exists in reality for our eyes, than these fictions for a soul deceived by the eyes. And yet, I ate this food, thinking that You were here: without pleasure, really, because I did not feel Your true taste on my tongue: You were not in these empty fabrications, and I was not satisfied with them, but rather was exhausted. Food in a dream is exactly like the food you eat while awake, but it does not nourish those who are sleeping because they are asleep. These inventions did not in any way resemble You, as I now know You; these were ghosts, those imaginary bodies, more authentic than which are these real bodies, which we see with our carnal vision both in heaven and on earth; animals and birds see them, and together with them we see them. They are more authentic than their images compiled by us 133. And again, these images are more genuine than the assumptions that, based on them, we begin to build about other bodies, large and infinite, but not existing at all. I then fed on these nonsense and could not get enough 134. And You, my love, in Whom my weakness becomes strength, You are not these bodies that we see, although they are in heaven, and not those that we do not see there, for You created both and do not count them among Your highest creations 135 . How far are you from those ghosts of mine, from those ghostly bodies that do not exist at all. More authentic than them are the images of existing bodies created by us, and more authentic than these images are the bodies themselves, and yet they are not You, and You are not even the soul that animates the bodies, which is better and more authentic than bodies. You are the life of souls, the life of life, self-giving and unchanging, the life of my soul. 11. Where were you then for me and how far away were you? I wandered far from You, and I was driven away even from the pods with which I fed the pigs 136. How much better are the fables of grammarians and poets than these traps? A poem in verse about the flying Medea 137 will, of course, bring more benefit than a story about the five elements, differently colored in view of the five “caves of darkness” 138, which do not exist at all, but which destroy the believer. I consider poems and poems to be real food. If I recited poems about the flying Medea, then I did not assure anyone of the truth of the event itself; If I listened to such verses, I did not believe them, but I believed this one. Woe, woe, by what steps they brought me into the abyss of hell, because, yearning for the truth and finding no peace without it, I sought You, my God (I confess to You, who took pity on me even when I did not even think of confessing), I looked for You, guided not by reason, with which You wanted to distinguish me from the beasts, but guided by bodily feelings. You were in me deeper than my depths and higher than my peaks 139. I came across that impudent and reckless woman from Solomon’s riddle, who sat in the doorway on an armchair and said: “Calmly eat the hidden bread and drink the stolen tasty water.” She seduced me, seeing that I lived outside, depending on my carnal sight, and chewing the food that she gave me to swallow 140. 12. I did not know anything else - what truly is, and I seemed to be pushed to consider it witty to agree with stupid deceivers when they asked me where evil comes from 141, whether God is limited to a bodily form and whether He has hair and nails, whether those who had several wives at the same time, killed people and sacrificed animals 142 can be considered righteous. In my ignorance, I was confused by such questions and, moving away from the truth, imagined that I was going straight to it. I did not know even then that evil is nothing more than the diminishment of good, reaching its complete disappearance 143. What could I see here if my eyes saw nothing beyond the body, and my soul beyond the ghosts? I did not know then that God is a Spirit, Who has no members extending in length and breadth, and no magnitude: every magnitude in its part is less than itself, whole, and if it is infinite, then in some part of itself, limited by a certain space, it is less than infinity and is not whole everywhere, like the Spirit, like God. And what is in us that makes us like God, and why the Scripture correctly says about us: “in the image of God” 144, this was completely unknown to me. 13. And I did not know the real inner truth, which is judged not by custom, but by the most just law of Almighty God, which determined for individual countries and times the morals and customs corresponding to these times and countries, although it itself is always the same in every place and at every time. According to it, Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, Moses, David, and all those whom the mouth of the Lord praised were righteous. They are unrighteous according to the judgment of people who do not understand, who judge from today and measure the morality of all mankind by the standard of their own morality. Thus, a person unfamiliar with where to put on which armor would want to cover his head with greaves and put on a helmet, and then begin to grumble about their unsuitability; another would be indignant that during the afternoon hours, declared a holiday, he is not allowed to put up goods for sale, when this was allowed in the morning; the third, seeing that in one house some slave is fiddling with objects that the cupbearer is not allowed to touch, and behind the stable is being done that which is forbidden before the table, would be indignant at why everyone and everywhere is not allowed the same thing, although there is one dwelling and one slave family. Such are also those people who are indignant when they hear that in that age the righteous were allowed what was not allowed to the righteous in this age. God commanded one thing, another - another, in accordance with the conditions of the time, but both served the same truth: thus, armor is suitable for the same person, some for one part of the body, others for another; during the same day, you can do the same thing now, but an hour later it’s no longer possible; in the same estate, in one corner it is allowed and ordered to do what in another is rightly prohibited and subject to punishment. So, the truth is different and changes? No, but the time she controls flows differently: this is time, after all. People, during their short earthly life, are not able to reconcile the living conditions of previous centuries and other peoples, conditions unknown to them, with what they know; when it comes to one person, one day or house, then they can easily see what is suitable for which part of the body, for which hour, for which department or person: there they are offended, here they agree 145. 14. I didn’t understand the truth of this at the time and didn’t pay attention to it; she caught my eye from all sides, but I didn’t even see her. I recited poetry, and I was not allowed to place any foot anywhere: it was different in different sizes, and in any verse there was a place for each foot. The metric that taught me versification contained all these rules at the same time and was not one in one case and another in another. But I did not comprehend that the good and holy patriarchs served the truth, which included all the commandments at the same time to a much greater and more elevated degree; Without changing at all, she only commands different times not all of her commandments at once, but to each one what corresponds to him. And I, blind, condemned the pious patriarchs who, at the command and inspiration of God, used the laws of their time and proclaimed, by the revelation of God, the future 146. 15. Was it ever, or anywhere, unjust to “love God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind, and to love your neighbor as yourself?” 147. And unnatural sins, for example, Sodomy, always and everywhere aroused disgust and were considered worthy of punishment. If all nations indulged in it, they would be condemned by the divine law for this crime, because God did not create people for such communication with each other. Here the fellowship that we should have with God is disrupted, because the nature of which He is the creator is defiled by perverted lust. Violations of human morality, misconduct, should be avoided, taking into account the various requirements of this morality. The whim of a citizen or a stranger does not dare to violate the social contract strengthened by the law or custom of the state or people: every part that does not agree with the whole is ugly. If God commands something to be done contrary to anyone’s morals or regulations, then it must be done, even if it has never been done there. If this commandment has been forgotten, it must be renewed; if it is not installed, it should be installed. If the king in his kingdom is allowed to give orders that no one before him, nor he himself had given before, and obedience to him is not an action against the state and society - on the contrary, disobedience will be an anti-social act (for in all human societies it is agreed to obey one’s king), then all the more one must, without knowing a doubt, obey the orders of God, who reigns over all of His creation. God is above everything; after all, in human society, greater power is placed over lesser, and the latter obeys it. 16. Also with crimes 148 - when they want to cause harm by offending a person or causing him injustice: the enemy wants to take revenge on the enemy; a robber robs a traveler to profit at someone else's expense; they kill a terrible person, fearing trouble from him; the rich man's poor man out of envy; a person who succeeds his opponent out of fear that he will become equal to him, or out of chagrin that he is already equal to him; out of sheer enjoyment of someone else's misfortune, as exemplified by spectators at gladiatorial games, scoffers and mockers. All these are shoots of sin that grow magnificently from the passion to excel, to see and to enjoy, whether one of them, two or all three at once takes possession of a person. And life passes in evil, in neglect of the “ten-stringed psalter,” Thy Decalogue in its three and seven commandments 149, O most high and sweetest God. But what do misdeeds mean to You, Who cannot become worse? What crimes can be committed against You, Who cannot be harmed? You punish people for what they do to themselves: even when they sin before You, they are blasphemers before their soul, spoiling and perverting their nature, which You created beautiful. Excessively taking advantage of what is permitted or burning with an unnatural desire for what is not permitted; caught in raging against You in thoughts and words, they go against the grain 150, having broken with human society, they boldly rejoice in their closed circles and break with people, depending on their attachments and their hostility. And all this happens when they leave You, the Source of life, the one true Creator and Ruler of a single whole, and in personal pride cling to one part, to an imaginary unity 151. Humble piety is the road by which we return to You, and You cleanse us from evil habits; You condescend to the sins of those who confess, you hear the cries of the chained and you release us from the chains that we ourselves have put on ourselves - but only if we do not raise the horn of false freedom against You, greedily striving to get more, at the risk of losing everything; loving our own more than Thee, the common Good 153. 17. Among the misdeeds, crimes and so many iniquities, there are also the sins of those who succeed in good. Fair judges reproach them in the name of the law for such prosperity, but also praise them as young shoots of grass in the hope of a good harvest. There are some actions that resemble a misdemeanor or a crime, and yet these are not sins, because they do not offend either You, Lord our God, or society: a person, for example, acquired for himself some objects that correspond to his lifestyle and time, but maybe out of a passion for acquisition? wanting to correct someone, they punish him using their legal authority, but maybe out of passion to cause harm? 154 There are many actions that people look upon with disapproval, but which are approved by Your testimony; There are many who are praised by people and who are condemned according to Your testimony. The appearance of the act, the feelings of the person who committed it, and the secret combination of circumstances are different. When You suddenly give a commandment, unusual and unexpected, 155 commanding you to do even what You once forbade, and temporarily keep the reason for Your command secret, although it contradicts the institutions of a given human society, who will doubt that it must be fulfilled, for only that human society that serves You is righteous? Blessed are those who know that these commands are given by You. For everything is done by Your servants in order to show what is needed at a given hour and what is a foreshadowing of the future. 18. Without knowing this, I laughed at these holy servants and prophets of Yours. What did this laughter lead to? Only to the point that You laughed at me: gradually and little by little I was brought to an absurd belief, for example, that a wine berry, when it is picked, and the tree from which it is picked, cry tears similar to milk. If some “saint” eats this wine berry, plucked, of course, not by himself, but by someone else’s criminal hand, and it mixes with his entrails, then he will exhale from it during prayer, sighing and belching, angels, or rather particles of the Divinity: these particles of the true and highest Divinity would have remained imprisoned in the wine berry if the “holy chosen ones” had not freed them teeth and intestines 156. And I, pathetic one, believed that one should be more compassionate towards the fruits of the earth than towards the people for whom they grow. And if a hungry person - not a Manichean - asked for food, then, perhaps, for each piece it would be worth punishing with death 157. 19. And You stretched out Your hand from on high 158 and “drew my soul” from this deep darkness, when my mother, Your faithful servant, mourned me before You more than the mothers of dead children mourn. She saw my death because of her faith and the spirit that she possessed from You - and You heard her, Lord. You heard her and did not despise the tears that streamed the earth in every place where she prayed; You heard her. Where, in fact, did that dream come from with which You consoled her so much that she agreed to live with me in the same house and sit at the same table? This was, after all, denied me out of disgust and hatred for my blasphemous error. She dreamed that she was standing on some kind of wooden board and a beaming young man was approaching her, smiling cheerfully at her; she is sad and overwhelmed with sadness. He asks her about the reasons for her grief and daily tears, and with such an air as if he wants not to find out about this, but to instruct her. She replies that she grieves over my death; he told her to calm down and advised her to look carefully: she would see that I would be where she was. She looked and saw that I was standing next to her on the same board 159. Where does this dream come from? Have You not inclined Your ears to her heart? O You, good and omnipotent, Who cares for each of us as if he were the only subject of Your care, and for everyone as if he were everyone! 20. Why, when she told me this vision, and I tried to draw out my explanation: rather, she had no reason to despair that she would be where I was, she answered immediately without any hesitation: “No, I was not told: “Where he is, there you are,” but “Where you are, there he is”? I confess to You, Lord: as far as I can remember - and I often remembered and told about this dream - this answer is Yours through my vigilantly caring mother; the fact that she was not embarrassed by my false, but so probable explanation and immediately saw what needed to be seen, and which I, of course, did not see before her words - all this shocked me even more than the dream itself, in which the pious woman was predicted long in advance to have future joy as a consolation for her present sorrow. Another ten years passed, during which I wallowed in this dirty abyss and in the darkness of lies; I often tried to get up and was broken even more, and meanwhile, this pure widow, pious and modest, such as You love, encouraged by hope, but incessant in her crying and lamentations, continued during the hours of all her prayers to grieve for me before You, Lord, and her prayers came before Your face 160, although You also allowed me to be whirled and whirled in this darkness. 21. In the meantime, you gave another answer, which I keep in mind. I miss a lot because I’m in a hurry to move on to what urgently requires confession before You, and I don’t remember a lot. You gave your other answer through Your clergyman, one bishop, nourished by the Church and read in Your books. When my mother begged him to deign me with her conversation, to refute my errors, to wean me from evil and teach me goodness (he did this to people whom he found worthy), he refused, which was, as far as I later realized, of course, reasonable. He replied that I would become stubborn because heresy is new to me, I am proud of it and have already confused many inexperienced people with some trivial questions, as she herself told him. “Leave him there and just pray to God for him: he himself, reading, will reveal what a delusion this is and what great wickedness.” And he immediately said that his mother was seduced by the Manichaeans, and she gave him to them as a boy; that he not only read all their books, but even rewrote them, and that it was revealed to him, without any discussion or persuasion, how to flee from this sect; and he ran. When he told about this, my mother still did not calm down and continued to insist even more, begging and shedding tears, that he would see me and talk. Then he said with some irritation and annoyance: “Go, as it is true that you live, it is also true that the son of such tears will not die.” In conversations with me, she often recalled that she accepted these words as if they had come to her from heaven. During these nine years, from the nineteenth to the twenty-eighth year of my life, I lived in error and misled others, I was deceived and deceived by my various hobbies: openly - by learning, which is called “free” 161, secretly 162 - by what bore the deceptive name of religion. There was pride, here there was superstition, and everywhere there was emptiness. There I was chasing empty fame, applause in the theater at poetry competitions, wrestling for grass wreaths, there I was carried away by meaningless spectacles and unbridled revelry; here, trying to cleanse himself of this dirt, he offered food to the so-called saints and chosen ones, from which they made angels and gods in their own bellies for our liberation 163 . And I was a zealous follower of all this and acted accordingly with my friends, who were deceived together with me and through me. Let the proud laugh at me, whom You have not yet prostrated and struck down for the sake of their salvation, my God, I still confess my shame to Your glory. Let me, I pray to You, let me now circle with my memory along all the circuitous roads of my error that I have trodden, and “offer You a sacrifice of praise” 164. What am I without You, if not the leader of my own abyss? What am I when I feel good, if not a baby sucking Your milk and feeding on “You, the food that endures forever”? 165 And what is a man, any man, since he is a man? Let the strong and powerful laugh at us; Let us, the poor and wretched, confess before You. 2. During these years I taught rhetoric 166 and, overcome by greed, sold victorious talkativeness. I preferred, You know this, Lord, to have good students, in the sense of the word in which “good” is attached to them, and I ingeniously taught them cunning, not so that they would destroy the innocent, but so that sometimes they would rescue the guilty. God, You saw from afar that I could barely stand on this slippery road, and in the clouds of smoke my honesty flickered slightly, with which, during my teaching, I taught those who love vanity and seek deception, I myself, their ally and comrade. During these years I lived with one woman, but not in a union that is called legal: I tracked her down in my reckless love wanderings. Still, she was alone, and I remained faithful even to this bed. Here I could see from my own experience what a difference there is between a calm marriage, concluded only for the sake of procreation, and a passionate love affair, in which even a child is born against his will, although, having been born, he forces himself to love 167. 3. I also remember that one day I decided to speak at a competition of dramatic poets. Some haruspex 168 ordered me to ask how much I would pay him for victory, and I answered that this vile witchcraft was hateful and disgusting to me, and that even if a crown of imperishable gold awaited me, I would not allow myself to kill a fly for the sake of my victory. And he was just about to kill and sacrifice animals, apparently hoping with these honors to persuade the demons to come to me. I rejected this evil because I honored Your holiness, O God of my heart 169. I didn’t know how to love You; Only in bodily glory could I imagine You. A soul that sighs at such inventions, does not it “wander away far from You?” It believes lies and “feeds the winds” 170. I, of course, did not want to be sacrificed for me to the demons to whom I myself had sacrificed myself with my superstition. And what does it mean to “feed the winds,” if not to feed these spirits, that is, to delight them with your delusions and be their amusement? 4. I continued to consult with these rogues (they are called “mathematicians” 171), citing the fact that they do not make any sacrifices and do not turn to any spirit with prayers for their predictions. Nevertheless, Christian, real piety rejects and quite consistently condemns their activities. It is good to confess to You, Lord, and say: “Have mercy on me, heal my soul, because I have sinned before You” 172, it is good not to abuse Your condescension by allowing yourself to sin, and to remember the word of the Lord: “Behold, you are healthy, sin no more, lest anything worse happen to you.”173. They are trying to completely destroy this saving instruction, saying: “Heaven destined you to inevitably sin,” or “Venus or Saturn or Mars did this.” Therefore, if there is no guilt on a person, on this flesh, blood, on this proud dust, then the Creator and Organizer of the sky and luminaries should be blamed. And who is this if not You, our Lord, the sweet source of justice, who “reward to everyone according to his deeds and do not despise a contrite and humble heart” 174 . 5. At that time there lived a man of keen intelligence, a very experienced and famous doctor in his field, 175 who, as proconsul, with his own hand placed the winner’s crown in that competition on my sore head; here he was not a doctor. In such illness, You are the healer, Who “resists the proud and gives grace to the humble” 176. And didn't You help me through this old man? Did You leave my soul to be healed? I got to know him better and became his diligent and constant interlocutor (his speech, animated by thought, was artless, but pleasant and important). Having learned from a conversation with me that I was interested in the books of astrologers, 177 he, with fatherly affection, began to persuade me to give them up and not waste the labor and care needed for a useful undertaking on these trifles. He told me that he had studied this science so much that in his youth he wanted to make it his daily occupation; since he understood Hippocrates, then, of course, he could understand these books. Subsequently, however, he abandoned them and took up medicine solely because he clearly saw their complete deceit; a decent man, he did not want to earn his bread by deception. “You,” he added, “have your rhetoric to live by; You are engaged in this same lie out of your own free will, and not out of necessity, and you must believe me, especially since I tried to study it perfectly, wanting to make it the only source of income.” I asked him why many of their predictions turn out to be correct, and he answered as best he could, namely, that this is done by the power of chance, which always and everywhere operates in nature. If a person who makes fortunes from the book of a poet, occupied only with his theme and setting his own goals, often comes up with a verse that amazingly corresponds to his work, then can one be surprised if the human soul, by some prompting from above, without realizing what is happening to it, utters not at all according to science, but purely by chance, something that agrees with the affairs and circumstances of the questioner 178 . 6. And then You took care of me, working in him and through him. In my memory You left a sketch of what I later had to look for myself. Then neither he nor my dear Nebridius, a very good and very pure young man, who laughed at predictions of this kind, could convince me to abandon them. I was more influenced by the authority of the authors of these books, and in my searches I have not yet found a single true evidence that would unequivocally reveal that the correct answers to the questions asked are dictated by fate or chance, and not by the science of stargazing. 7. During these years, when I had just begun teaching in my home town, I made a friend whose common tastes made me very dear. He was the same age as me and was in the same bloom of blooming youth 179. We grew up together as boys; went to school together and played together. We weren’t so friendly then; although subsequently there was no true friendship here, because it is true only if You cement it between people who are attached to each other “by the love poured into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, which was given to us” 180. Nevertheless, matured in an ardent passion for the same thing, it was extremely sweet to me. I turned him away from the true faith - for him, as a young man, it was not deep and real - to those disastrous and superstitious tales that made my mother cry over me. Along with mine, his soul also lost its way, and mine could no longer cope without him. And here You are, on the heels of those who flee from You, the God of vengeance and the source of mercy, turning us to You in wondrous ways, here You took him from this life, when our friendship was barely a year old, which was sweeter for me than anything that was sweet in my life at that time. 8. Can one person “count Your praises” 181 for Your benefits to him alone? What did you do then, my God? how unsearchable is “the abyss of Your judgments” 182. Suffering from a fever, he lay unconscious for a long time, in a mortal sweat. Since they despaired of his recovery, he was baptized in an unconscious state 183. I didn’t pay attention to this, hoping that what he learned from me would be more likely to be retained in his soul than what was done to his unconscious body. What happened, however, was completely different. He recovered and recovered, and as soon as I was able to talk to him (and I could immediately, just as he could, because I did not leave him, and we could not tear ourselves away from each other), I began to mock the baptism 184, which he received completely unconscious and without memory. He already knew that he accepted it. I expected that he would laugh with me, but he recoiled from me in horror, as from an enemy, and with surprising and sudden independence told me that if I wanted to be his friend, I should never say such words to him. I, amazed and embarrassed, decided to postpone my attack until he recovered and could, having fully recovered, talk to me about anything. But a few days later, in my absence, he fell ill with a fever again and died, taken from me, a madman, to live with You to console me. 9 . What sadness has darkened my heart! Everywhere I looked there was death. My hometown became a torture chamber for me, my father’s house - an abode of hopeless grief; everything we lived with together with him turned into fierce torment without him. My eyes searched everywhere for him, and he was not there. I hated everything, because he was nowhere to be found, and no one could tell me: “Here he will come,” as they said about the absent one when he was alive. I became a great mystery to myself and asked my soul why it was sad and why it confused me so much, 185 and it did not know what to answer me. And if I said “hope in God,” she rightly did not listen to me, because the man whom I loved and lost so much was more genuine and better than the ghost in whom she was told to rely 186. Only crying was sweet to me, and he inherited my friend in the delight of my soul. 10. Now, Lord, it has passed, and time has healed my wound. Is it possible for me to hear from You, Who is the Truth? Is it possible for me to bend the ear of my heart to Your lips and learn from You why crying is sweet to the unfortunate? 187 Do You, although You are present everywhere, throw our misfortune away from You? You abid in Yourself; we are spinning around in everyday trials. And, however, if our cry did not reach Your ears, nothing would remain of our hope 188. Why do we pluck from the bitterness of life the sweet fruit of groaning and crying, sighs and complaints? Or is it sweet that we hope to be heard by You? This is true of prayers that breathe with the desire to reach You. But in the sadness of the loss and in the grief that enveloped me, I did not hope that he would come to life, and this was not what I asked with my tears; I only grieved and cried, I was lost and unhappy: I lost my joy. Or does crying, sorrowful in itself, delight us, fed up with what we once enjoyed and what now disgusts us? 11. Why, however, am I saying this? Now is the time not to ask, but to confess to You. I was unhappy, and every soul is unhappy, fettered by love for what is mortal: it is torn, losing, and then understands what its misfortune is, with which it was unhappy even before its loss. Such was my condition at that time; I cried bitterly and found comfort in this bitterness. I was so unhappy, and this very unhappy life turned out to be more valuable to me than my friend. Of course, I would like to change her, but I also would not want to lose her, just like him. And I don’t know if I would even want to die for him, as they say about Orestes and Pylades 189, unless it is a fiction that they wanted to die together one for the other, because life apart was worse for them than death. Some feeling completely opposite to this was born in me; I also had a cruel disgust for life and a fear of death. I think that the more I loved him, the more I hated death and feared, like a fierce enemy, it, which had taken him from me. Suddenly, I thought, it will swallow up all the people: it could take him away. I remember I was in this state. Here is my heart, my God, here it is - look inside it, this is how I remember it. My hope, You, Who cleanse me from the impurity of such attachments, directing my eyes to You and “freeing my feet from the snares” 190. I was surprised that other people lived, because the one I loved as if he could not die was dead: and I was even more surprised that I, his second self, lived when he died. Someone said well about his friend: “half of my soul” 191. And I felt that my soul and his soul were one soul in two bodies, 192 and life filled me with horror: I didn’t want to live a half life. That’s why, perhaps, I was afraid to die, so that the one I loved so much wouldn’t die at all. 12. Oh, madness, not knowing how to love a person as a person should! 193 O fool, indignant at human fate! This is how I was then: I raged, sighed, cried, was upset, I had neither peace nor reasoning. My torn, bloodied soul was with me everywhere, and it couldn’t stand being with me, but I couldn’t find a place to put it. Groves with their beauty, games, singing, gardens breathing fragrance, magnificent feasts, beds of luxuries, the very books and poems - nothing gave her peace. Everything inspired horror, even daylight; everything that was not him was disgusting and hateful. Only in tears and lamentations did my soul rest a little, but when I had to take it away from there, my misfortune fell on me like a heavy burden. She had to be lifted up to You, Lord, and treated by You. I knew this, but I didn’t want to and couldn’t, especially since I didn’t think of You as something solid and true. It was not You, but an empty ghost and my delusion that were my god. And if I tried to place her here so that she could rest, then she rolled in the void and fell on me again, and I was left with myself: an unfortunate place where I could not be and from where I could not leave. Where would my heart run from my heart? Where would I run away from myself? Where would you not follow yourself? And yet I ran away from my hometown. My eyes searched less for him where they were not accustomed to seeing, and I moved from Tagasta to Carthage 194. 13. Time does not pass in vain and does not roll by without any impact on our feelings: it does amazing things in the soul. The days came and went one after another; coming and going, they threw into me the seeds of other hopes and other memories; gradually they treated me with old pleasures, and my sadness began to give way to them; However, they began to set in—not other sorrows, it’s true, but reasons for other sorrows. Didn’t this sadness penetrate so easily and deeply into my very heart because I poured my soul into the sand, loving a mortal being as if it were not subject to death? And I was most of all consoled and brought back to life by new friends who shared with me the love of what I loved instead of You: an endless fairy tale 195, a complete deception, with their unclean touch corrupting our minds, itching with the desire to listen 196. And if one of my friends had died, this fairy tale would not have died for me. There was something else that captivated me more in this friendly communication: general conversation and fun, mutual benevolent helpfulness; reading sweet books together, having fun together and mutual respect; sometimes friendly disagreements that a person has with himself - the very rarity of disagreements, as it were, spices up long-term agreement - mutual learning, when one teaches the other and in turn learns from him; sad expectation of those who are absent; joyful meeting of arrivals. All such manifestations of loving and beloved hearts 197 - in the face, in words, in the eyes and a thousand sweet expressions - fuse souls together on fire, forming one out of many. 14. This is what we love in friends and we love so much that a person feels guilty if he does not return love with love. All that is required from a friend is an expression of goodwill. Hence this sadness on the occasion of death; darkness of sorrow; a heart intoxicated with bitterness, into which sweetness has turned; the death of the living, because the dead have lost their lives. Blessed is he who loves You, for Your sake is a friend and for Your sake an enemy. Only he does not lose anything dear to whom everything is dear to the One Who cannot be lost. And who is this if not our God, the God who “created heaven and earth” and “fills them” 198, for by filling, He created them. No one loses You except those who leave You, and whoever left You, where will he go and where will he run away? Only from You, the merciful, to You, the wrathful. Where will he not find Your law in the punishment that has reached him? And “Thy law is truth,” and “truth is You” 199. 15. “God of hosts, turn us, show us Your face, and we will be saved” 200. Wherever the human soul turns, everywhere except You it will stumble upon pain, even if it stumbles upon beauty, but beauty is outside of You and outside of itself. And this beauty is nothing if it is not from You. The beautiful is born and dies; being born, it begins to exist and grows to reach full blossom, and, having blossomed, it grows old and dies. True, he does not always live to old age, but he always dies. Having been born and striving to be, the beautiful, the faster it grows, affirming its existence, the more it hurries into non-existence: this is the limit You set for earthly things, because they are only parts of the whole, not existing simultaneously; leaving and replacing each other, they, like actors, act out a whole play in which they are given separate roles. The same thing happens with our speech, consisting of sound designations. The speech will not be whole if each word, having fulfilled its role, does not disappear to give way to another. May my soul praise you for this world 201 You, “Lord, Creator of all things,” 202 but may it not cling to it with sensual love, for it goes where it went - to non-existence, and torments the soul with mortal longing, because it itself wants to be and loves to rest on what it loves. And in this world there is nowhere to rest, because everything in it runs away non-stop: how can a carnal feeling keep up with this? How to keep even what is now at hand? The carnal feeling is slow because it is carnal: limitation is its property. It satisfies its purpose, but it is not enough to hold that which strives from its proper beginning to its proper end. For in Your word, by which the world was created, it hears: “From here to now.” 16. Do not fuss, my soul: do not let the ear of your heart become deaf from the roar of your vanity. Listen, the Word itself is calling you to return: serene peace where Love will not leave you unless you leave It. Some creatures leave to make room for others: the individual parts together form this lower world. “Can I go somewhere?” - says the Word. Establish your dwelling here; trust everything you have; my soul, finally tired of deceptions. Trust the Truth with everything you have from the Truth, and you will lose nothing; Your decay will be covered with color; all your illnesses will be healed; the transitory will receive a new appearance, be renewed and unite with you; it will not carry you away in a downward movement, but will remain motionless with you and abide with the eternally motionless and abiding God 203. 17. Why, corrupted one, do you follow your flesh? Let her, converted, follow you. Everything you learn through it is partial; You don’t know the whole to which these parts belong, and yet they make you happy. If your carnal sense were capable of grasping everything, and it were not, as a punishment to you, rightly limited to the comprehension of only a part, then you would wish that everything that now exists would pass away, so that you could more enjoy the whole 204 . After all, you also perceive our speech with a carnal feeling, and you, of course, will want individual syllables to be pronounced quickly one after another, and not freeze motionless: you want to hear the whole thing. So it is with parts that make up something unified, but do not all arise at the same time in what they constitute: everything together pleases more than the part, if only this “all” could be perceived at once. How much better is the one who created the whole - our Lord. And He does not leave, because there is no change for Him. 18. If bodies are pleasing to you, praise God for them and turn your love to their master, so that in what is pleasing to you, you yourself do not become displeasing. If souls are pleasing, let them be loved in God, because they too are subject to change and are established in Him, but otherwise they pass away and pass away. Let them be loved in Him: draw to Him those who you can, and tell them: “We will love Him: He is the creator and He is not far away” 205. He did not leave His creation: it is from Him and in Him. Where is He? Where do they taste the truth? He is in the very depths of the heart, 206 only the heart has moved away from Him. “Return, O backsliders, to your heart” 207 and cling to Him who created you. Stand with Him and you will stand; rest in Him and you will be at peace. Where, what slums are you going to? Where are you going? The good that you love is from Him, and because it is with Him, it is good and sweet, but it will become bitter - and rightly so - because it is unjust to love good and forsake the One who gave it. Why do you need to walk along difficult and painful roads again and again? There is no peace where you seek it. Look for what you are looking for, but it is not where you are looking. You are looking for a happy life in the land of death: it is not there. How can there be a happy life where there is no life itself? 19. Our Life itself descended here and took away our death and struck it with the abundance of its life. His call thundered for us to return from here to Him, to the secret sanctuary, from where He came to us, entering first into the virgin womb, where human nature, mortal flesh was combined with Him, so that it would not remain mortal forever, and “from where He came out like a husband from his bridal chamber, rejoicing like a giant to run the race” 208 . He did not hesitate, but rushed towards us, shouting in words, deeds, death, life, descent, ascension, shouting for us to return to Him. He left our eyes so that we could return to our hearts and find Him. He left, and here He is; He did not want to be with us for a long time and did not leave us. He went where he had never left, for “the world was created by Him” and “He was in this world” and “came into this world to save sinners” 209. My soul confessed to Him, and He “healed her, because she sinned against Him” 210. “Sons of men, how long will your hearts be burdened?” Life has come down to you - don't you want to rise up and live? But where can you rise if you “have set your heads on high in heaven” 211 . Descend in order to rise, and rise to God: after all, you fell by rising against Him 212. Tell them this, let them cry “in the valley of tears” 213, draw them with you to God, for you speak these words from the Holy Spirit, if you speak, burning with the fire of love. 20. I didn’t know this then, I loved the beauty of the valley, I went into the abyss and said to my friends: “Do we love anything other than the beautiful? What is beautiful? And what is beauty? What attracts us to what we love and draws us to it? If there weren’t something pleasant and beautiful in it, it would in no way be able to move us towards itself.” Reflecting, I saw that each body is, as it were, something whole and therefore beautiful, but at the same time it is pleasant because it is in harmony with the other. Thus, an individual member is consistent with the whole body, a shoe fits a foot, etc. These considerations gushed from the very depths of my heart, and I wrote the work “On the Beautiful and Appropriate,” it seems, in two or three books. You know this, Lord: it has slipped out of my memory. I don’t have the books themselves; they got lost, I don’t know how. 21. What prompted me, Lord my God, to dedicate these books to Hierius, the Roman orator 214 whom I did not know personally, but whom I admired for his great fame as a scientist. I was told some of his sayings, and I liked them. I liked him even more because others liked him very much, and they extolled him with praise, wondering how a Syrian, who at first could speak excellent Greek, later became a master of Latin speech and an outstanding expert in all matters relating to philosophy. A person is praised, and then they begin to love him beyond his eyes. Does this love enter the heart of the listener from the words of the praiser? No! the one who loves lights up another with love. Therefore, they love the one whom others praise, believing that his praise is proclaimed by an undeceitful heart, and this means that they praise out of love. 22. So I loved people then, trusting in human judgment, and not in Yours, Lord, by whom no one is deceived. Why, however, was he given completely different praise than the famous driver or circus hunter, glorified by popular love? They were serious and important; This is what I wanted to hear about myself. I wouldn’t want to be praised and loved like actors, although I myself praised and loved them; but I would choose complete obscurity, even self-hatred, but not such glory, but not such love. With what weights does one and the same soul hang different, so dissimilar loves? Why do I love in another what I hate at the same time? I abhor this for myself and flatly refuse it. And we both, he and I, are people! One can love a good horse without wanting to become one, even if that were possible. The case with the actor is different: he is of our kind. Does this mean that I love in a person what I hate in myself, even though I am a person? 215 The great abyss is man himself, “whose hairs are numbered” 216 with You, O Lord, and are not lost with You, and yet his hair is easier to count than his feelings and the movements of his heart. 23. As for Gieria, he belonged to the type of speaker that I liked so much that I myself wanted to be one of them. I went astray in my pride, “I was carried about by every wind,” 217 and Your guidance was completely hidden from me. And how can I know and how can I confidently confess to You that I loved him more for his love and praise than for the activities for which he was praised? If the same people had not praised, but scolded him and told the same things about him, but with abuse and contempt, I would not have been inflamed with love for him, although neither his activities nor he himself would have become different: only the feelings of the storytellers would have been different. This is where the weak soul is thrown, not yet attached to the strong truth. She is carried and whirled, thrown here and there, depending on where the whirlwind of words and opinions blows. They obscure her light, and she does not see the truth. Here she is, in front of us. It was very important for me then that my book and my works become known to this person. His approval would have made me even more zealous; his disapproval would have hurt my vain heart, which had no support in You. And yet, with love, I willingly turned before my mental gaze the question of the beautiful and appropriate, which I wrote to him about, and became delighted with my work, without needing anyone’s praise. 24. I did not see, however, the core in the great work, in Your art, O Almighty, “Who alone works wonders” 218. My soul wandered among bodily images: “beautiful,” which is such in itself, and “appropriate,” which is in good agreement with another object, I defined and distinguished, using evidence and examples from the physical world. Then I turned to the nature of the soul, but the false concepts I had about the spiritual world prevented me from seeing the truth. The truth stood in all its strength before my eyes, and I turned my tormented mind away from the incorporeal to lines, colors and large quantities. And since I could not see this in my soul, I thought that I could not see my soul. I loved the harmony generated by virtue, and hated the discord generated by viciousness. In the first I saw unity, in the second I saw division. This unity seemed to me as the compatibility of reason, truth and the highest good; separation is like some kind of unreasonable life and the highest evil. I, unfortunate one, believed that it was not only a substance, but that it was a kind of life in general, but not coming from You, Lord, from Whom is everything. I called unity a monad, as a kind of mind that has no gender, and division - a dyad: this is anger in crimes and lust in vices 219. I myself didn’t understand what I was saying. I did not know and did not understand that evil is not a substance at all, and that our mind does not represent the highest and unchangeable good. 25. Crime is a vicious movement of the soul, prompting action, in which the soul asserts itself boldly and agitatedly. Debauchery is unbridled desire, greedy for carnal pleasures. If the rational soul itself is vicious, then life is stained by delusions and false concepts. That’s exactly what I had then, and I didn’t know that it needed to be illuminated with another light in order to be introduced to the truth, because there was no truth in it itself. For “You will light my lamp, O Lord my God, You will enlighten my darkness; and from Your fullness we will receive everything. You are the true light, illuminating every person who comes into this world, for with You there is no change or shadow of turning.” 220 26. I rushed towards You and was thrown back, so that I could taste the taste of death, because “You resist the proud” 221. Isn’t it great pride to claim, out of amazing madness, that by nature I am the same as You? 222 Subject to change and clearly seeing this from the fact that I really wanted to be wise in order to become better, I preferred, however, to consider You subject to change than to admit that I am not the same as You. That's why I was pushed back, and You bent down my arrogant neck 223. I ran around with my bodily images; I, the flesh, accused the flesh, and the “wandering spirit” 224, I did not turn to You; wandering, I wandered among the non-existent, neither in You, nor in me, nor in the body: there were no genuine Your creations, but there were only my empty dreams. And I asked Your little faithful children, my fellow citizens, from among whom I, without knowing it, was expelled, I asked them, an absurd chatterbox: “Why is the soul that God created erring?” I didn’t want to be asked, “Why is God mistaken?” And I tried to prove that rather You, in Your unchanging essence, are forced to fall into error; than to admit that I am subject to change, voluntarily go astray and, when punished for this, fall into error 225. 27. I was perhaps twenty-six, twenty-seven years old when I finished these scrolls, unfolding before me my inventions - these material images that deafened the ears of my heart. I alerted them, sweet Truth, to hear Your melody, sounding deep inside me. I thought about “beautiful and appropriate”, I wanted to stand on my feet and hear You, “to rejoice with joy, hearing the voice of the bridegroom” 226 and could not: my delusion loudly called me and carried me out; under the weight of my pride I fell down. “You did not give my ears joy and gladness,” and “my bones did not rejoice,” because “they were not broken” 227. 28. And what benefit was it for me that when I was about twenty years old, when one work of Aristotle came into my hands under the title “Ten Categories” 228 (the Carthaginian rhetorician, my teacher, and other people who were considered scientists, swollen with pride, rattled about it, and, hearing this title, I only dreamed of this book as something great and divine), I turned out to be the only one who read and who understood it? When I talked about these categories with people who said that they understood them with difficulty, and then only with the help of learned mentors, who explained them not only verbally, but also with the help of numerous drawings in the sand, it turned out that they could tell me about them only what I, in my solitary reading, learned from myself. In my opinion, this book explained quite clearly about substances and their characteristics: for example, a person is a quality; how many feet tall is it - this is the quantity; his attitude towards others: for example, whose brother he is; the place where it is located; time of birth; his position: standing or sitting; what has: shoes or weapons; what he does or what he suffers. Under these nine categories, for which I have given examples, and under the category of substance itself, an infinite number of phenomena will fit. 29. What benefit did this have to me? But there was harm. Considering that in general everything that exists is covered by these ten categories, I tried to consider You, Lord, wonderfully simple and not subject to change, as the subject of Your greatness or beauty, 229 as if they were associated with You as a subject, i.e. as with the body, while Your greatness and Your beauty are You yourself. The body is not great or beautiful because it is a body: smaller or less beautiful, it still remains a body. My thoughts about You were lies, and not the truth: my pathetic imagination, not Your blessed strength. For You commanded, and so it became with me: the earth “began to bear me thorns and thistles,” 230 and with difficulty I received my bread. 30. And what benefit was it for me that I, at that time a worthless slave of evil passions, myself read and understood all the books related to the so-called liberal arts 231 that I could read? I rejoiced while reading them, and did not understand where that which was true and definite came from in them. I stood with my back to the light, and my face to what was illuminated; and my face, turned towards the illuminated objects, was not illuminated. You know, Lord, that I learned, without great difficulty and without human help, in eloquence, dialectics, geometry, music and arithmetic; and quick intelligence and keen insight are Your gifts, but I did not sacrifice them to You. They were not for my benefit, but rather for my destruction, because I greedily sought to take possession of a good share of my property, but “I did not save my strength for You,” but went away from You, to a distant country, to waste everything on fornication passions 232 . What good was a good thing to me if I didn’t know how to use it well? And I began to understand how difficult these sciences are for even diligent and intelligent students when, trying to explain them, I saw that the most outstanding among my students was only enough to not so slowly assimilate my explanations. 31. What good was this to me if I thought that You, Lord, God of truth, are a huge luminous body, and I am a fragment of this body? The limit of perversity! But that’s exactly who I was then! I do not blush, Lord, confessing before You Your mercy towards me and calling on You: I did not blush, preaching blasphemously before people and barking at You. What use was it to me from my mind, which so easily coped with these sciences, and from so many confusing books, unraveled without the help of a teacher, if I outrageously blasphemed and was vilely mistaken in the science of piety? Was a much slower mind harmful to Your little ones if they did not leave You, serenely fledged in the nest of Your Church and grew wings of love, feeding on the food of a healthy faith? Lord our God, “in the shadow of Your wings we will find hope”: cover us and carry us. “You will carry, You will carry little children and you will carry them to their gray hairs” 233 - for our strength is then our strength when it is You; only ours - she is powerless. Our good is always with You, and by turning away from it, we become corrupted. Let us fall to You, Lord, let us not fall: You have our good in all its integrity - You yourself: we are not afraid that we have nowhere to return, because we have fallen down: in our absence our house, Your eternity, has not collapsed. Accept my confession, sacrificed to You by my tongue 234, which You created and caused to confess Your name; all my bones are healed: let them say: “Lord! Who is like You? 235. A person does not tell You anything new when he confesses what is happening to him, for a closed heart is not hidden from Your gaze, and human hardness does not repel Your right hand: You soften it whenever You want, by being merciful or taking revenge: “and there is no one who can hide from Your heat” 236 . Let my soul praise You, so that it may love You. All Your creatures praise You incessantly: every soul that turns to You with their lips; animals and inanimate nature through the mouths of those who contemplate them. May our soul rise up in You from weariness: leaning on Your creations, let it come to You, Who wonderfully created them: You have renewal and true strength. 2. Let the restless and sinners leave and flee from You. You see them, You also distribute the shadows 237. And so - the world is beautiful with them, although they themselves are vile 238. But how did they harm You? 239 How have they dishonored Your power - complete and just from heaven to the ends of the earth. Where did they run when they fled from Your face? Where won't you find them? They ran away so as not to see You seeing them, and in their blindness to stumble upon You, for You do not abandon anything that You have created. Yes, in order to stumble upon You in their unrighteousness and in Your righteousness to bear punishment: having turned away from Your meekness, they stumble upon Your justice and fall into Your severity. They do not know that You are everywhere and there is no place where You would not be; You, the only one, are close even to those who have gone far from You 240. Let them turn, let them seek You; if they abandoned their Creator, then You did not abandon Your creation. Let them themselves turn, let them look for You - here You are here, in their hearts, in the hearts of those who confess to You and rush to You and cry on Your chest after their difficult roads. And You, O Blessed One, wipe away their tears; they cry even more and rejoice, sobbing, because You, Lord, are not man, not flesh and blood, but You, Lord, their Creator, renew and comfort them. And where was I when I was looking for You? You were before me: I went far from myself, I did not find myself; How was it to find You! 3. I will tell before the eyes of my Lord about the year when I turned twenty-nine years old. A certain Manichaean bishop named Faustus 241 came to Carthage. It was a terrible network of the devil, 242 and many became entangled in it, seduced by his sweet speech, which I also praised, distinguishing, however, between him and the true essence of things, which I so greedily sought to know. I peered not into the verbal vessel, but into what knowledge this Faustus, so famous among them, offered me to taste from it. Rumor had already informed me in advance that he was very knowledgeable about all high teachings and was especially versed in the free sciences. Since I had read many philosophical books 243 and remembered their contents well, I began to compare some of their provisions with endless Manichaean fables: the words of those “who had the understanding to explore the temporary world” seemed more likely to me, although “they did not find their Lord” 244. For “you are high, O Lord, and you see the humble and recognize the proud from afar,” 245 but you approach only “the brokenhearted,” the proud do not find you, even if even in their learned curiosity they counted the stars and grains of sand, measured the expanses of the stars and explored the paths of the luminaries. 4. They carry out these studies, guided by the intelligence and abilities that You gave them: they found a lot and predicted solar and lunar eclipses, their day, their hour and what they would be many years in advance. The calculations did not deceive them: everything happens as they predicted. They wrote down the laws they discovered; They are still known today and they are used to predict in what year, in what month of this year, on what day of this month and at what hour of this day the moon or sun will darken in such and such a part. Everything will happen as predicted. People ignorant of this science are amazed and amazed; those in the know rejoice and boast. In wicked pride, moving away from You and moving away from Your light, they long foresee the future eclipse of the sun and do not see their own in the present. They do not reverently search for where they got the abilities with the help of which they search for all this. And even having found that You created them, they do not entrust themselves to You so that You may preserve them as Your creation, and they do not slaughter for You what they have made of themselves: they do not kill for You their exalted thoughts, like “birds”; neither their curiosity, like the “fish of the sea” - and it makes them wander along the secret “paths of the abyss”, - nor their debauchery, like the “beasts of the field” 246 - so that You, Lord, “a consuming fire” 247, destroy their mortal worries, and recreate them for immortality. 5. They did not know the Way, Your Word, by which You created what they calculate, and those who calculate, and the sense with which they distinguish between the objects of calculation, and the mind with which they calculate: “But Your wisdom is innumerable” 248. Your Only Begotten Son Himself “has become wisdom, righteousness and sanctification for us”; but He was considered one of us and paid taxes to Caesar 249. They did not know this Path in order to descend from themselves to Him and through Him to ascend to Him. They have not known this Path; they think that they have ascended to the stars and are shining with them - and then they fell to the ground, and “their foolish heart was darkened” 250. They report a lot of true things about creation, but they do not reverently seek the Truth, the Master of creation, and therefore do not find it, and if they do find it, then “having known God, they do not glorify Him as God, and do not thank Him, but are vain in their speculations and call themselves wise”: they attribute to themselves what is Yours and therefore, perverted and blind, they try to attribute theirs to You; transfer their lies to You, Who is the Truth: “changing the glory of the incorruptible God into an image similar to corruptible man, and birds, and four-footed animals and reptiles, they replaced the truth of God with a lie and worship and serve the creature instead of the Creator” 251. 6. I remember, however, that they have a lot of correct observations of nature. Their reasonable explanations were confirmed by calculations, changing times, and the visible appearance of stars. I compared their positions with the words of Mani, who set out his delirium in many voluminous works: there was no reasonable explanation for either solstices, equinoxes, or eclipses, or indeed any of those phenomena that I became familiar with from the books of worldly wisdom 252 . I was ordered to believe something that was completely contrary to the evidence, verified calculation and my own eyes, and was completely opposite. 7. Lord, God of truth, is he who knows this already pleasing to You? Unhappy is the man who, knowing everything, does not know You; Blessed is he who knows You, even if he knows nothing else. But the scientist who has come to know You will be made more blessed not by his science: through You alone he is blessed, “if, having come to know You, he glorifies You as God, and gives thanks and does not become futile in his speculations.” It is better to possess a tree and thank You for the benefits from it, not knowing how many cubits high it is and how wide it spreads, than to know how to measure it, how to count all its branches, but not possess it, not know and not love its Creator. So to Your faithful one belongs the whole world with all its wealth, and, as if having nothing, “he possesses everything,” 253 clinging to You, whom everything serves. Let him not know how the Big Dipper rotates; it is foolish to doubt that he is better off than the one who measures the sky, counts the stars, weighs substances - and neglects You, who “arranged everything by measure, number and weight” 254. 8. Who, however, demanded that some Mani write about these subjects? To learn piety, you do not need to know about them. You told the man: “Behold, piety is wisdom” 255. He might not have known about this wisdom, even if he had mastered science perfectly. She, however, was not at all familiar to him, but he shamelessly dared to teach. Of course, he could no longer know anything about wisdom. Preaching worldly knowledge, even well-known knowledge, is a vain matter; To confess You is godliness. Having strayed precisely from this path, he spoke a lot on scientific issues, and was refuted by real experts. It is clear from here what his understanding could be in an area less accessible. He did not agree to a small assessment for himself and tried to convince people that the Holy Spirit, the comforter and enricher of your faithful, personally dwells in him in the fullness of his authority 256. He was caught making false statements regarding the sky, the stars, the movements of the sun and moon; although this has nothing to do with the science of faith, nevertheless, the blasphemy of his attempts appears here enough: speaking in his empty and insane pride about what he not only did not know, but even distorted, he tried in every possible way to attribute these statements to a divine person. 9 . When I hear how one of my Christian brothers, an ignorant person, judges scientific questions at random, I patiently look at his opinions: I see that they are not to his detriment if he does not allow unworthy thoughts about You, Lord, Creator of everything, and only knows nothing about the position and properties of bodily nature. It will be harmful if he decides that these questions relate to the essence of the doctrine, and dares to stubbornly insist on what he does not know. Such weakness, however, is endured by motherly love in those who are still infants in faith, waiting until a new man rises into a “perfect man” who cannot be “wound by the wind of every doctrine” 257 . Who will not consider hateful and disgusting the madness of a man who, having been caught so many times in lies, dared to appear before those whom he convinced, as such a teacher, founder, leader and head, that his followers thought that they were following not a simple man, but Thy Holy Spirit? However, it was not entirely clear to me whether it was possible to explain, in accordance with his words, the alternation of long and short days and nights, the very alternation of day and night, eclipses of luminaries and similar phenomena that I read about in other books. If this turned out to be possible, then I would still remain undecided whether this is really so or not. I supported my faith, however, by his authority, being convinced of his holiness. 10. For almost nine years, while I listened to the Manichaeans in my spiritual wanderings, I tensely awaited the arrival of this same Faustus. Other Manichaeans with whom I happened to meet, being unable to answer my questions on these matters, promised me in him a person who, having arrived, in a personal conversation, very easily, with all clarity, would unravel for me not only these problems, but also more complex ones, if I began to ask him about them. When he arrived, I found him to be a nice man, with a pleasant speech; his chatter about Manichaean ordinary theories sounded much sweeter. What, however, did this most graceful cupbearer bring to my thirsty lips in a precious cup? My ears were already fed up with such speeches: they did not seem to me better because they were better pronounced; true because they were eloquent; the soul did not seem wise, because the speaker had a proper facial expression, and his expressions were refined. The people who promised me Faustus were not good judges. He seemed to them a sage only because he delighted them with his speech. I knew another breed of people to whom the truth itself seems suspicious, and they will not rest on it if it is presented in elegant and lengthy speech. You instructed me, Lord, in a wondrous and secret way: I believe that it was You who instructed me, for this was the truth, and besides You there is no other teacher of truth, no matter where or from where its light appears. I learned from You that eloquent statements should not seem true because they are eloquent, and awkward words that somehow roll off the tongue should not seem false because they are awkward, and vice versa: artless speech will not therefore be true, and brilliant speech will therefore be false. Wise and foolish are like food, healthy or harmful, and words, refined and simple, are dishes, urban and rural, in which both foods can be served. 11. The greed with which I had been waiting for this man for so long found satisfaction in the lively course of his reasoning and in the appropriate verbal clothing in which he so easily dressed his thoughts. I enjoyed it with many and praised and extolled him even more than many, but I was annoyed that in the crowd of listeners I could not ask him the questions that troubled me and share them, exchanging thoughts in a friendly conversation. When, at last, the opportunity presented itself, I, together with my friends, took possession of him at a time when such mutual discussion was quite appropriate, and proposed to him some of the questions that worried me. First of all, I saw a man who had absolutely no knowledge of the liberal sciences, with the exception of grammar, and even then to the most ordinary extent. And since he read several speeches of Cicero, very few books of Seneca, some of the poets and those Manichaeans whose works were written well and in Latin, and since daily practice in chatting was added to this, all this created his eloquence, which from his deft resourcefulness and natural charm became even more pleasant and seductive. Are my memories correct, O Lord my God, Judge of my conscience? My heart and my memory are open to You; You have already led me in the deep secret of Your Providence and turned my face to my shameful errors, so that I would see them and hate them. 12. After it became clear to me that Faustus was completely ignorant of those sciences, of which I considered him a great expert, I began to despair that he could explain and resolve the questions that worried me. Without understanding anything about them, he could still possess the truth of faith if he were not a Manichaean. Their books are full of endless fables about the sky and stars, about the sun and the moon; I no longer counted on what I so wanted, namely, that he would be able, by comparing them with the calculations I had read in other books, to explain to me in detail whether everything was as it was written by the Manichaeans, or at least show that their proofs were not inferior in strength to others. When I invited him to consider and discuss these issues, he modestly did not dare to take on such a burden. He knew what he didn't know and wasn't ashamed to admit it. He did not belong to those numerous talkers whom I had to endure and who, trying to teach me, could not say anything. Faustus “had no right heart” 258 in relation to You, but was very careful in relation to himself. He was not at all ignorant in his ignorance and did not want, having rushed headlong into an argument, to find himself in a dead end: there was nowhere to go out, and it was difficult to return. This made me like him even more. A humble confession is more beautiful than the knowledge I wanted to receive; In all difficult and subtle matters - I saw this - he behaved invariably modestly. 13. The zeal with which I rushed to Mani’s writings cooled; I despaired even more of other teachers after the famous Faustus turned out to be so ignorant of many issues that worried me 259. I continued my acquaintance with him because he was passionate about literature, and I, then a Carthaginian rhetorician, taught it to young men. I read books with him - either which he had heard about and therefore wanted to read them, or which I considered suitable for such a mentality. Acquaintance with this man cut short all my efforts to advance in this sect; True, I did not move away from them completely, but I behaved like a person who, not yet finding anything better than the teaching into which he had once blindly rushed, decided to be content with this for now, waiting to see if by chance something would come to light on which to choose. Thus, Faustus, who for many turned out to be the “snare of death” 260, began, without wanting it and without suspecting it, to unravel the one in which I was caught. Thy hand, Lord, in the inscrutability of Thy Providence, did not leave my soul. My mother sacrificed to You for me bloody tears that flowed from her heart day and night, and You dealt with me in a wondrous way. You, Lord, did this to me, for “Man’s steps are established by the Lord, and He delights in his way” 261 . And who will give us salvation if not Your hand, which renews Your creation? 14. It was Thy hand that I was persuaded to move to Rome and teach there better what I taught in Carthage. I will not fail to confess to You what prompted me to make this move: the depth in which You hide, and Your mercy, which is always here with us, are worthy of reflection and praise. I decided to go to Rome not because the friends who convinced me promised me more money and a more prominent position, although both of these attracted me at the time; the main and almost the only reason was the stories that young students behave more calmly in Rome, that they are restrained by strict and certain discipline, and they do not dare to boldly and randomly burst into the premises of someone else’s teacher: access to him in school is generally open only with his permission. In Carthage, on the contrary, vile debauchery reigns among the students, uncontrollable. They shamelessly break into the school and, as if maddened, violate the order established by the teacher for the benefit of the teaching. With amazing stupidity they inflict a thousand insults for which they should be punished by law; but custom takes them under its protection. They are all the more pitiful because they commit, as something permitted, actions that will never be permitted according to Your eternal law; they consider themselves to be in complete impunity, but they are punished by blindness to their own behavior; they will endure incomparably worse than what they are doing. While studying, I did not want to belong to this crowd; Having become a teacher, he was forced to tolerate her around him. That’s why I wanted to go to a place where, according to the stories of all knowledgeable people, nothing like this had happened 262 . In fact, it was “You, my hope and my part in the land of the living,” 263 that prompted me, for the sake of saving my soul, to change my place on earth: in Carthage You whipped me with a whip to tear me out of there; in Rome he set out baits to attract people there - he acted through people who loved this life of death; here they did crazy things, there they made empty promises; To guide my steps, You secretly took advantage of them and my depravity. Those who disturbed my peace were blinded by vile rage; those who called to another were wise in an earthly way. And I, who hated real suffering here, strove there - for imaginary happiness. 15. You knew, Lord, why I was leaving Carthage and going to Rome, but you gave no sign of this to either me or my mother, who wept bitterly about my departure and accompanied me to the sea. She clung to me tightly, wanting either to bring me back or to go with me, but I deceived her by imagining that I wanted to stay with my friend until he sailed away with the rising wind. I lied to my mother - and to such a mother! and slipped away from her. And You mercifully released this to me, saving me, full of dirt and abomination, from the waters of the sea and bringing me to the water of Your grace, having washed myself with which, I dried the streams of my mother’s tears with which she daily watered the earth before You, crying for me. She refused to return without me, and I had difficulty convincing her to spend that night in the chapel of St. Cyprian 264, near our ship. And that night I secretly left, but she remained, praying and crying. What did she ask You for, Lord, with such tears? about You not allowing me to sail? But you, in the depths of Your advice, hearing her main desire, did not take care of what she asked then: may you make of me what she always asked for. The wind blew and filled our sails and hid from our sight the shore, where in the morning she, maddened with pain, filled Your ears with complaints and groans that You despised: You drew me to the voice of my passions in order to put an end to these passions, and she was whipped by the just lash of pain for her carnal melancholy. She loved my presence, like all mothers, only much more than many mothers, and did not know how much joy You were preparing for her through my absence. She did not know this and therefore cried and screamed, and in these torments the legacy of Eve was reflected in her: in her lamentations she sought what she had given birth to in her lamentations. And, however, after accusing me of deceit and cruelty, she again turned to prayers for me and returned to her usual life; I arrived in Rome. 16. And then a physical illness overtook me with its whip; I was already going to hell, taking with me all the sins that I committed before You, before myself and before others - a great and heavy link added to the shackles of original sin, with which “we all die in Adam” 265. You have not yet released anything to me in Christ, for he “did not abolish” even on his cross the “enmity” 266 that I had with You for my sins. Could it be abolished by this crucified ghost in whom I believed? As imaginary as His carnal death seemed to me, 267 so genuine was the death of my soul, and as genuine as His carnal death was, so imaginary was the life of my soul, which did not believe in His death. My fever became more and more severe; I left and went into destruction. Where would I have gone if I had left then? Of course, according to Your just order, only into fire and torment worthy of my deeds. But the mother did not know this, but she prayed in absence. You, being present everywhere, heard her where she was, and took pity on me where I was: bodily health returned to me, still sick with my blasphemous heart. I didn’t want to accept Your Baptism, even in such danger; I was a better boy when I demanded from my pious mother that she baptize me; I already remembered this when I confessed to You. I grew to my disgrace and, crazy, laughed at Your healing, but You did not allow me, such as I, to die a double death 268. If such a wound had struck my mother's heart, she would never have recovered. I cannot express enough how she loved me; she carried me in her soul with much more anxiety than she once carried me in her body. 17. I don’t know how she could have recovered if in the very depths of her love she had been pierced by such a death of mine. Where were the fervent, such frequent, continuous prayers? Only with you. Would You, Lord of mercy, “despise the contrite and humble heart” 269 of a pure, modest widow, who diligently did alms, willingly served Your servants, and did not miss a single day so as not to bring a sacrifice to Your altar 270; twice a day, morning and evening, invariably coming to Your church not for empty gossip and old woman chatter, but to hear You in Your words and to be heard by You in your prayers. This is how Your grace created her. Would You have neglected her tears, would You have pushed her away and not given her help when she asked You not for gold and silver, not for mortal and transitory blessings, but for spiritual salvation for her son? No, Lord, no. You were here, You heard her and did everything as it was predetermined by You. It is impossible for You to deceive her in those visions and Your answers, of which I mentioned some and did not mention others, and which she kept with a faithful heart and, constantly praying, presented to You as Your own commitment. And You have deigned, “for Your mercy endures forever,” 271 before those to whom You forgive all their debts, to be a debtor, obliged to fulfill Your promises. 18. So, You healed me from this illness and saved the son of Your servant, while still only physically, so that there would be someone to grant salvation more valid and reliable. In Rome, I again contacted these “holy” deceived deceivers 272 , and this time not only with the “listeners”, among whom was the man in whose house I was sick and recovered, but also with those whom they call “the chosen ones” 273 . It still seemed to me that it is not we who sin, but some other nature that sins in us; my pride delighted in the fact that I was not involved in guilt, and if I did something bad, then I did not confess my offense, so that “You would heal my soul, for I have sinned against You,” 274 it was flattering for me to excuse myself and blame something else that was with me and at the same time was not me. In fact, I was something whole 275, but my wickedness divided me and set me against myself: sin was incurable, because I did not consider myself a sinner, and it was a damned untruth, O Almighty, to wish that You would sooner be defeated in me to my destruction, than I by You to my salvation 276. For yet, “You have not, O Lord, set a guard over my mouth, nor have you fenced the door of my mouth, so that my heart would not turn away to evil words to make excuses for sinful deeds, together with people who practice iniquity,” 277 therefore I communicated with their “elect.” I already despaired, however, that I could find anything useful in their false teaching, which I decided to be content with if I did not find anything better; I held on to it casually and somehow. 19. I even had the idea that the most intelligent philosophers were the ones called academicians, who believed that everything was subject to doubt and that truth was generally inaccessible to man. It seemed to me, like everyone else, that that was exactly what they thought; their intention was still unclear to me 278. I did not miss the opportunity to suppress in my master the excessive credulity with which, I saw, he treated the fairy tales filling the Manichaean books. I continued, however, to be closer to the Manichaeans and more friendly with them than with people who stood outside this heresy. I did not defend it with the same ardor, and, however, closeness with the Manichaeans (and many of them took refuge in Rome) made me lazier in search of another, especially since I despaired, Lord of heaven and earth, Creator of everything visible and invisible, to find in Your Church the truth from which they turned me away: it seemed to me a great shame to believe that You had human flesh and were confined within the limits limited by our bodily shell. And since, wanting to imagine my God, I could not imagine anything other than bodily size - it seemed to me that nothing incorporeal existed at all - this was the main and, perhaps, the only reason for my hopeless delusion. 20. Therefore, I thought of evil as the same substance, represented by a dark and formless quantity - sometimes dense, which they called earth, sometimes rare and thin, like air; they imagined that it was an evil spirit crawling across this earth. And since even my pathetic piety forced me to believe that not a single evil being could have been created by a good God, I decided that there are two quantities, one opposite to the other, both of them are infinite, only the evil one is narrower, and the good one is wider 279. This pernicious beginning entailed my other blasphemies. When my soul tried to return to the Orthodox faith, I was pushed away from it, because my thoughts about it did not correspond to what it really was. It seemed to me more pious, Lord, whose mercy has been witnessed to me, to believe that You are limitless in everything, although in one thing I had to admit Your limitations - where You were opposed by the vastness of evil. This seemed to me more pious than to consider that You were limited in all respects by the form of the human body. And it seemed to me better to believe that You did not create any evil (in my ignorance I imagined it not only as a certain substance, but as a bodily substance, because my mind did not know how to imagine it otherwise than in the form of a subtle body, diffused, however, in space), than to believe that from You came what I considered evil. I considered our Savior Himself, Your Only Begotten Son, as if He had come for our salvation from the brightest part of Your substance, and I did not want to believe anything about him except my empty fantasy. I thought that he, having such a nature, could not have been born of the Virgin Mary without being mixed with the flesh. To mingle with her and not become defiled seemed to me impossible for such a being as I imagined. Therefore I was afraid to believe that He became incarnate, lest I should be forced to believe that He was defiled by the flesh 280 . People of spiritual life, if they happen to read my confession, will laugh at me affectionately and lovingly now, but that’s how I was. 21. Then I thought that it was impossible to defend in Your Scripture those parts which the Manichaeans attacked. Sometimes, however, I wanted to discuss each one individually with someone who was well versed in these books and find out what he thought about it. Back in Carthage, I was swayed by the reasoning of a certain Ellidius, 281 who openly opposed the Manichaeans: it was difficult to resist his words about Scripture. The argument of the Manichaeans seemed weak to me, especially since they were reluctant to bring it out from under cover in front of everyone, and only told us in secret: they said that the New Testament was forged by some people 282 who wanted to graft Jewish law into the Christian faith, but they themselves did not show a single authentic text. And I, thinking about these bodily masses, like a prisoner suffocating under their weight, could not take a breath and breathe the pure and transparent air of Your simple truth. 22. I diligently took up the task for which I had come: I began to teach rhetoric in Rome and first gathered at my home several students, whose acquaintance brought me further fame. And so I find out that in Rome something happens that I have never experienced in Africa: here, indeed, the young scoundrels did not turn everything upside down - I saw this myself - but they told me about something else: “Suddenly, in order not to pay the teacher, the young men begin to conspire among themselves and in a crowd move on to another. These word breakers value money; justice is cheap with them.” My heart hated such people, although not with “complete hatred” 283 . Perhaps I hated them more for what I had to endure from them than for the harm done to others. Such people, of course, are disgusting: they are “given to debauchery far from You” 284; out of love for fleeting amusements and dirty gain, dirtying the hand that takes it, in pursuit of this fleeting world, they despise You, Who invariably abides, calls you back to Himself and forgives the prodigal human soul returning to Him. And now I hate such spoiled and depraved people, but I also love them, hoping to correct them: let them prefer the science they are taught to money, and to it You, Lord, the Truth, the abundance of reliable good and pure peace. Then I rather did not want to deal with them, evil in front of me, than I wanted them to become good in front of You. 23. Therefore, when from Mediolan they sent to the prefect of Rome 285 with a request to find a teacher of rhetoric for their city and allow him to travel on government horses, I began to look for this place with the help of the same Manichaeans, drunk with vanity, in order to get rid of them, from whom I was leaving, which neither I nor they suspected. It was proposed to make a speech: Symmachus, who was then prefect, approved of it and sent me. I came to Milan to Bishop Ambrose, one of the best people known throughout the world, Thy pious servant, whose sermons tirelessly served Thy people “the fatness of Thy wheat, they delighted with oil, they intoxicated with sober wine” 286 . You brought me to him without my knowledge, so that he would lead me to You without my knowledge. This man of God received me in a fatherly manner and welcomed my relocation in a bishop's manner 287 . I immediately fell in love with him, at first, however, not as a teacher of the truth, which I despaired of finding in your Church, but as a person who was benevolent towards me. I diligently listened to his conversations with the people, not for the purpose that I should have, but as if looking closely to see whether his eloquence corresponded to his glory, whether it was exaggerated by praise or underestimated; I listened to his words with the greatest attention and carelessly neglected their content. I enjoyed the charm of his speech, more learned, it is true, but less bright and attractive in form than the speech of Faust. In terms of content, they could not be compared: one got lost in a Manichaean lie; the other taught salvation in a saving way. But “salvation is far from sinners,” 288 as I was then, and, however, gradually and without knowing it, I was approaching it. 24. Although I did not try to study what he was talking about, but only wanted to listen to how he spoke (this empty concern for words remained with me even when I despaired that the road to You could be open to man), but thoughts to which I was indifferent entered my soul at the same time as the words that I accepted cordially. I couldn't separate one from the other. And when I opened my heart to what was said eloquently, then what was said that was true immediately entered into it - it entered, however, gradually. First of all, it began to seem to me that these thoughts could be defended, and I stopped thinking that only out of shamelessness could one speak out for the Orthodox faith, which, according to my previous concepts, was impossible to defend against Manichaean attacks. The repeated resolution of the mysterious passages of the Old Testament especially affected me; their literal understanding was killing me. Having heard the explanation of many texts from these books in a spiritual sense, I began to reproach myself for the despair into which I once came, believing that those who despise and ridicule the Law and the Prophets cannot be resisted at all. I did not think, however, that I should adhere to the church path: the Orthodox faith has its own learned defenders, who will refute in detail and intelligently what I adhered to, since the defending parties are equal in strength. The Orthodox faith did not seem defeated to me, but it did not yet appear victorious. 25. Then I made every effort to try somehow, with the help of reliable evidence, to expose the Manichaean lie. If I could imagine a spiritual substance, then, of course, all their structures would fall apart, and I would throw them away, but I could not. I began, however, after careful consideration and comparison, to come to the conclusion that most philosophers thought much more correctly about the world itself and about all nature accessible to our bodily senses. So, following the example of the academicians (as they are interpreted), doubting everything and not being attached to anything, I nevertheless decided to leave the Manichaeans 289: I did not consider it possible during this period of my doubts to remain in the sect, to which I had already preferred some philosophers; To these philosophers, however, I refused to entrust the treatment of my weakened soul, because they did not know the saving name of Christ. And I decided to remain a catechumen in the Orthodox Church, bequeathed to me by my parents, until something specific appears before me, to which I will direct the path. My hope from my youth, where were you and where did you go? 290 Didn’t You create me, didn’t You distinguish me from animals and made me more intelligent than the birds of the air? and I “walked in darkness on slippery paths”; I looked for You outside of myself and did not find “the God of my heart” and reached “the depths of the sea” 291, losing faith and despairing that the truth could be found. My mother 292 came to me, strong in her piety; she followed me by land and by sea, trusting in You in all dangers. During disasters at sea, she consoled the sailors themselves, who usually console travelers when, unfamiliar with the sea, they become confused: she promised them a safe arrival because You promised it to her in a vision. She found me in great danger: I despaired of finding the truth. From my message that I was no longer a Manichaean, but also not an Orthodox Christian, she was not filled with joy as if from unexpected news: my pitiful situation left her calm in this regard; she mourned me as if I were dead, but whom You must resurrect; she presented me to You as the son of a widow, lying on his deathbed, to whom You said: “Young man, I say to you, get up” - and he came to life and “began to speak, and You gave him to his mother” 293. Therefore, her heart did not tremble in stormy delight when she heard that to a large extent what she prayed to You every day with tears had already been accomplished; I have not yet found the truth, but I have already moved away from lies. Confident that You, who promised to fully fulfill her prayers, will complete the rest, she very calmly, with complete conviction, answered me that before she leaves this life, she will see me as a true Christian: she believes this in Christ. That's all she told me; To you, the Source of mercy, I sent tearful prayers even more often, may you speed up your help and illuminate my darkness. She went to church even more diligently and, without stopping, listened to Ambrose “at the source of water flowing into eternal life” 294. She loved this man like an angel of God, having learned that it was he who had so far brought me to doubts and hesitations; she confidently expected that I would recover from my illness and become healthy, having passed through this intermediate and most dangerous hour, which doctors call critical. One day, according to the established order in Africa, she brought porridge, bread and pure wine to the graves of the saints. The gatekeeper 295 did not accept them. Having learned that this was the bishop's prohibition 296, she accepted his order so obediently and respectfully that I myself was surprised at how easily she began to condemn her own custom, rather than talk about its prohibition. Her soul was not inclined to drink, and her love of wine did not incite her to hate the truth, as happens with most men and women who are sickened by sober melodies like drunkards by water. She brought a basket with the prescribed food, which was to be tasted first and then distributed, and for herself she left only one small cup, diluted with water according to her sober taste. She drank from it as a sign of respect for the custom; if it was necessary to honor the memory of many deceased in the same way, then she carried this very cup to all the graves; gradually sipping not only very liquid, but also very warm wine, she thus took part in the common meal, seeking in it pious service, and not pleasure. So, having learned that the glorious preacher and guardian of piety forbade this custom even to those who soberly celebrated it - there is no need to give drunkards the opportunity to get drunk to the point of insensibility - in addition, these peculiar commemorations were very reminiscent of pagan superstition 298 - my mother very willingly abandoned it: she learned to bring to the graves of martyrs, instead of a basket full of earthly fruits, a heart full of pure vows, and provide for the poor according to their means. The Corpus Christi was communed there; Imitating the passions of the Lord, they sacrificed themselves and received the crown of martyrs 299. It seems to me, however, Lord my God - and my heart is open to You in this - my mother, perhaps, would not so easily agree to give up this habit if the ban had been imposed by another person, whom she loved differently than Ambrose, whom she loved extremely for my salvation. He loved her for her pious lifestyle, for the zeal with which she invariably attended church, “flaming in spirit” 300 for good deeds. When he met me, he often burst out in praise of her, and he congratulated me on having such a mother; he did not know what kind of son she had, a son who doubted everything and believed that it was impossible to find the “path of life” 301. 3. I did not yet groan, praying that You would help me, but my soul lived in intense search and restless reflection. From a worldly point of view, I considered Ambrose himself lucky for the honor that people invested with high power gave him; It was only his celibacy that seemed painful to me. And what hopes did he have, what struggle did he wage against the temptations of his high position; how he consoled himself in troubles; what juicy joy his heart experienced and changed his mind from eating Your bread, I could not guess about this, and I had no experience in this. And he did not know about my storms and about the trap laid for me. I could not ask him what I wanted and how I wanted, because we were always separated by a crowd of busy people whom he helped in their difficulties. When they were not with him, in this very short period of time he restored his bodily strength with the necessary food, and his spiritual strength through reading. When he read, his eyes ran over the pages, his heart searched for meaning, but his voice and tongue were silent. Often, when I went to see him (access was open to anyone, and there was no custom of reporting someone coming), I found him doing nothing but this quiet reading 303 . After sitting in silence for a long time (who would dare to break such deep concentration?), I left, guessing that he did not want to be distracted by anything during the short time that he managed to seize, amid the deafening din of other people’s affairs, for his own mental pursuits. He was probably afraid that he would have to give explanations to the eagerly attentive listener about obscure passages in what he had read, or that he would have to take up the analysis of some difficult questions and, having spent time on this, read less than he would like. Reading silently was also good for him because in this way he preserved his voice, which often became hoarse. Whatever his intentions, he did so, in any case, he acted for the good. 4. I, of course, had no opportunity to ask in detail what I wanted; how he thought about this in his heart, Thy holy prophecy. There were only short conversations. In order for my anxiety to subside, I needed a conversation at my leisure, and Ambrose never had that. I listened to him among the people, every Sunday, “truly dividing the word of truth” 304 and, more and more, I became more and more convinced that it was possible to unravel “all the slanderous intricacies” that those deceivers wove in their enmity against the Scriptures. When I saw that by Your spiritual children, whom You revived by the grace of the Mother Church, the creation of man in Your image is not understood as if You limited yourself to the appearance of the human body (although I did not yet suspect, even remotely, even conjecturally, what a spiritual substance was), then I blushed with shame and was glad that for so many years I had been barking not at the Orthodox Church, but at the inventions of the carnal imagination 305. I was a bold wicked man: I had to ask and learn, and I accused and asserted. But You, who are in the highest and nearby, are the most distant and the closest, who have no greater or lesser members, who are all everywhere and are not limited to any place 306. You do not, of course, have this bodily form, and, however, “You created man in Your image” 307, and here he is - from head to toe - limited to a certain place. 5. Since I did not know how this image of Thy arose, I should have knocked and asked questions about how one should think about it, and not boldly assert that this is exactly how they think. The worry of clinging to something reliable gnawed at me all the more cruelly, the more I was ashamed that I had been fooled and deceived for so long by the promise of reliable knowledge, and I chattered with childish enthusiasm and thoughtlessness, declaring so many unreliable things reliable! Only later did this lie become clear to me. What was reliable for me, however, was that all this was unreliable, but I had previously accepted it as reliable when I blindly attacked Your Orthodox Church and accused it: whether it taught the truth, I did not yet know, but I already saw that it did not teach what I had showered it with grave accusations for. Thus, I was brought to confusion and to conversion: I rejoiced, Lord, that the One Church, the Body of Your Only Son, in which I, an infant, was given the name of Christ, does not amuse itself with childish play and, according to its sound teaching, does not push You, the Creator of the universe, into space, albeit huge, but limited on all sides by the outlines of the human body. 6. I also rejoiced that I was offered to read the books of the Old Testament with different eyes than before: these books seemed absurd to me, and I exposed the imaginary thoughts of Your saints, who in fact did not think like that at all. I listened with pleasure to how Ambrose often repeated in his sermons to the people, diligently recommending, as a rule: “the letter kills, but the spirit gives life” 308 . When, removing the mysterious veil, he explained in a spiritual sense those passages that, being understood literally, seemed to me to be a preaching of perversity, then nothing in his words offended me, although I still did not know whether these words were true. I kept my heart from agreeing with anything, afraid of falling into the abyss, and this hanging in the air completely killed me. I wanted to be sure of what I did not see, just as I was sure that seven and three were ten. I was not so crazy as to consider this statement incomprehensible, 309 but I wanted to comprehend the rest in the same way as addition, be it something bodily, but remote from my external senses, or spiritual, which I could not imagine otherwise than in a bodily shell. I could be cured by faith, 310 which would somehow direct my cleared mental gaze to Thy truth, which always abides and does not suffer damage in any way. As happens, however, with a person who, having encountered a bad doctor, is afraid to trust a good one, so it was with my sick soul; she could not be cured by anything other than faith, and refused treatment so as not to believe the lie; she resisted Your hand, but You prepared the medicine of faith, poured it out on all the diseases of the world and imparted great effectiveness to it. 7. From that time on, however, I began to prefer Orthodox teaching, realizing that in its command to believe in something that cannot be proven (perhaps the proof exists, but perhaps not for everyone, and maybe it does not exist at all), there is more modesty and genuine truth than in mocking gullible people. who are arrogantly promised knowledge, and then ordered to believe many absurd fables, which are impossible to prove. And then, Lord, You gradually pacified my heart, touching it with such a meek and compassionate hand. I began to realize how countless the phenomena are, the authenticity of which I believe, but which I have not seen and at which I was not present: many historical events, many cities and countries that I have not seen; There are many cases when I trusted friends, doctors, various people - without this trust we would not be able to act and live at all. Finally, I was unshakably sure of what parents I came from: I could not have known this if I had not taken others’ word 311. You convinced me that it is not those who believe in Your Books, which You have invested with such significance for almost all nations, who should be blamed, but those who do not believe them, and that we should not listen to people who can say: “How do you know that these Books were taught to the human race by the Spirit of God, true and full of righteousness?” It was precisely this very thing that I needed to completely believe, because no causticity of insidious questions scattered throughout the many philosophical works I had read, the authors of which argued among themselves, could wrest from me, albeit temporarily, faith in Your existence and in the fact that You control human affairs 312: I only did not know that You exist. 8. My faith was sometimes stronger, sometimes weaker, but I always believed that You exist and that You care about us, although I did not know what to think about Your substance, and did not know which path leads or leads to You. Lacking a clear mind, powerless to find the truth, we need the authority of Holy Scripture; I began to believe that You would not have attached such widespread and exclusive significance to this Scripture if you had not desired that with its help they would come to faith in You and with its help they would seek You. Having heard plausible explanations of many passages in these books, I realized that beneath the absurdity that so often offended me in them lay a deep and mysterious meaning 313 . Scripture began to seem to me all the more worthy of respect and reverent faith because it was open to everyone, and at the same time preserved the dignity of its mystery for a deeper mind; in its accessible vocabulary and very simple language, it was a Book for everyone and made those who were not frivolous at heart think hard; it opened its arms to everyone and through narrow passages 314 conveyed a few to You - however, there are many more of them than there would have been if Scripture had not raised its authority to such a height, if it had not accepted such crowds of people into its holy, humble bosom. I thought about this - and You were with me; I sighed - and You heard me; I was thrown along the waves - and You guided me; I walked along the broad worldly road, but You did not leave me. 9 . I greedily sought honor, money, marriage, and You laughed at me. These desires caused me to experience the most bitter difficulties; You were the more merciful to me the less you allowed me to find pleasure where You were not. Look into my heart, Lord: You wanted me to remember this and confess to You. May my soul now cling to You, which You have freed from the sticky glue of death. How unhappy she was! You struck her in the most painful place, so that she would leave everything and turn to You, Who is above all and without Whom nothing would have happened; may he be converted and healed. How insignificant I was, and how You acted so that I could feel my insignificance that day! I was about to deliver a word of praise to the Emperor 315 ; there were a lot of lies in it, and people who understood this would have been favorable towards me, a liar. I was suffocating from these worries and the feverish influx of exhausting thoughts. And so, walking along one of the Mediolan streets, I noticed a beggar; he was apparently already tipsy and joking cheerfully. I sighed and spoke to the friends around me about how we suffer from our own madness; Vulnerable by desires, dragging behind us the burden of our own misfortune and at the same time increasing it further, at the cost of all our painful efforts, like mine at that time, we want to achieve only one thing: calm happiness. This beggar got ahead of us; We may never reach our goal. For a few begged coins, he received what I got to in such a painful, crooked, winding way - the happiness of transitory well-being. True, he did not have real joy, but the one that I was looking for in the ways of my vanity was much more false. And he was undoubtedly having fun, but I was sad; he was calm, I was alarmed. If someone were to ask me what I prefer: to rejoice or to be afraid, I would answer: “To rejoice.” If they asked me again: I prefer to be like this beggar, or like I was at that moment, then I would still choose myself, tormented by care and fear, I would choose from depravity. Was there any truth here? I should not have preferred myself to him, because I was more learned: science did not give me joy, I sought with its help how to please people - not in order to teach them, but only to please them. Therefore, with the staff of Your teaching, “You also broke my bones” 316. 10. Away from me are those who say to my soul: “There is a difference in what a person rejoices in. That beggar found joy in drinking; you longed to rejoice in glory.” What glory, Lord? not the one that is in You. Just as that joy was not real, so my glory was not real; it only made my head spin more. The beggar was supposed to sleep through his intoxication that same night; I fell asleep and woke up in mine; I will continue to fall asleep in it and wake up in it - look how many days! I know that there is a difference in what a person rejoices in: the joy of a believer and one who hopes is incomparable to this empty joy. And then, however, it was impossible to compare us. Of course, he was happier, and not only because he was overflowing with fun, and I was consumed by worries, but also because he got himself wine by showering people with good wishes, and I tried to quench my arrogance with lies. I talked a lot then in the same sense with my loved ones, and often judged my own condition on such occasions; he found that I was in bad shape, grieved about it and thereby doubled his grief. And if happiness smiled at me, then I was bored of catching it, because it flew away before I could grab it. 11. I sighed about this together with my friends with whom I lived, and spoke especially frankly with Alypius and Nebridius. Alypius was from the same municipality as me, came from the municipal nobility and was younger than me in age. He studied with me when I began to teach in our city and later in Carthage, and he loved me very much, considering me a kind and learned person; I loved him for his innate talents for everything good, which were sufficiently revealed in him when he was still very young. The whirlpool of Carthaginian immorality 317 with its ardent passion for empty spectacles drew him into circus madness 318, and it whirled him in a pitiful manner. At that time I was busy teaching rhetoric in a city school. He has not yet studied with me due to some tension that arose between me and his father. I learned that he was obsessed with a destructive love for the circus, and I was deeply saddened; it seemed to me that the young man, who showed such hope, was doomed to death, if not already dead. I had no opportunity either to persuade him or to restrain him by force - whether out of friendly benevolence or by the right of a teacher. I thought he felt the same way about me as my father, but he felt differently. Disregarding his father's will, he began to greet me and come into my classroom: he would listen to me and leave. 12. I forgot to talk to him about how he should not kill his excellent talents with a blind and destructive addiction to empty amusements. But You, Lord, Who stand at the helm of everything You have created, You have not forgotten Your future servant 319. His correction must be attributed explicitly to You, but You accomplished it through me, without my knowledge. One day, when I was sitting in my usual place, and there were students in front of me, Alypiy came in, said hello, sat down and delved into our studies. By chance I came across a text in my hands, which, it seemed to me, would be convenient to explain with an example borrowed from circus life; In order to make the idea that I tried to introduce more pleasant and understandable, I caustically ridiculed the people who were captive to this madness. You know, Lord, that at that moment I did not think about how to cure Alypius from this infection. He immediately took these words to himself and decided that they were said only for his sake. Another, having heard them, would have flared up with anger at me, but the honest young man, having heard them, flared up with anger at himself and became even more ardently attached to me. You once said and included this word in Scripture: “Reprove a wise man, and he will love you” 320. And I did not denounce him, but You, using everyone, with or without their knowledge, for purposes known to You - and these purposes are always just, - turned my words and thoughts into burning coals in order to burn out the rot in a soul that gives good hopes and to heal it. Let no one praise You who does not see Your mercy, which I confess to You from the depths of my heart. After my words, he escaped from this deep hole, into which he had climbed with pleasure, enjoying his own self-blindness; courageous self-control shook his soul, and all the circus dirt flew away from it; He never showed up at the circus again. Then he overcame the resistance of his father, who did not want his son to have me as his teacher; the father retreated and yielded. Having begun his teaching with me again, he and I became entangled in Manichaean superstition: he liked their vaunted abstinence, which he considered genuine and real 321 . And she was insidious and seductive, trapping precious souls who did not yet know how to touch the heights of true virtue; they were easily deceived by the appearance of virtue, imaginary and counterfeit. 13. Without leaving, of course, that earthly path that his parents sang so much about to him, he went to Rome before me to study law, and there he was captured in an incredible way by an incredible greed for gladiatorial games. Such sights were disgusting and hateful to him. One day he accidentally met on the road with his friends and fellow students who were returning from lunch, and they, despite his sharp refusal and resistance, with gentle violence carried him into the amphitheater. These were just the days of cruel and deadly games. “If you drag my body to this place and sit it there,” said Alypius, “then can you really force me to stare at this spectacle with my soul and eyes? I will be present while absent, and thus I will triumph over both him and you.” Hearing this, they nevertheless took him with them, perhaps just wanting to test whether he could keep his words. Having arrived, they sat down where they could; everything around was seething with ferocious pleasure. He, closing his eyes, forbade his soul to rush into this abyss of evil; Oh, if only he could stop his ears too! At some point in the battle, shocked by the frantic cry of the entire people and overcome by curiosity, he opened his eyes, as if ready to neglect any spectacle that presented itself to him. And his soul was struck by a wound more serious than the body of the gladiator whom he wanted to look at; he fell more unhappily than the one whose fall caused a cry to burst into his ears and force him to open his eyes: now it was possible to strike and overthrow this soul, rather impudent than strong, and all the more weak because it relied on itself where it should have relied on You. As soon as he saw this blood, he reveled in ferocity; he did not turn away, but looked without taking his eyes off; he went on a rampage without noticing it; enjoyed the criminal struggle, intoxicated with bloody delight. He was no longer the same person who came, but one of the crowd to whom he came, a true comrade of those who brought him 322. What more? He looked, screamed, burned, and took with him the insane desire that drove him back. Now he not only walked with those who had initially carried him along with them: he was ahead of them and pulled others along with him. And from here You pulled him out with a powerful and merciful hand and taught him to rely not on himself, but on You; only it happened much later. 14. This incident remained in his memory as a medicine for the future. The same thing happened with another incident. He was still studying with me in Carthage at that time. One day at noon he was pondering in the forum a recitation that he was supposed to make 323 - this is a common school exercise - and You allowed him to be seized as a thief by the guards of the forum. I think, Lord, that You allowed this for only one reason: let this man, so great in the future, learn early that one cannot be recklessly gullible when analyzing a case, and one cannot condemn a person with a light heart. He was walking in front of the court alone, with his tablets and style 324, when some young man, also a schoolboy, who turned out to be a real thief, approached with a hidden ax, unnoticed by Alypius, to the lead grating above the Street of Jewelers and began to chop off the lead 325. Hearing the sound of the axe, the jewelers below became worried and sent men to seize whoever was caught. Hearing the voices, the thief threw down his weapon, fearing that he would be detained with it, and ran away. Alypius did not see him enter, but noticed how he came out; I saw him running away. Wanting to find out what was the matter, he went up to the same place and, standing, looked in amazement at the ax he found. Those sent find Alypius alone; he holds an ax in his hands, at the sound of which they came running; they grab him, drag him and, boasting that they caught a thief in flagrante delicto, accompanied by a crowd of people who lived near the forum, lead him to present him to the judge. 15. That was the end of the lesson. You immediately, Lord, came to the aid of innocence, of which You alone were a witness. As he was being led to prison or to torture, he was met by an architect who was the chief overseer of public buildings. The guides were extremely happy about this meeting, because when something disappeared from the forum, he invariably suspected them of theft: let him finally find out who did it. This man often saw Alypius in the house of a certain senator, whom he visited; he immediately recognized Alypius; Taking him by the hand, he led him out of the crowd, began asking why such a disaster had happened, and heard what happened. He ordered the entire assembly, which was making menacing noise and excitement, to follow him. We approached the house of the young man who committed the theft; there was a slave at the gate. It was just a boy; It never occurred to him to be afraid for his master, and he could tell about everything, since he accompanied the master to the forum. Alypius remembered it and informed the architect about it. He showed the slave the ax and asked whose it was. “Ours,” he answered immediately, and when they began to question him, he revealed everything else. So the accusation was transferred to this house, to the confusion of the crowd that had gathered to celebrate the triumph over Alypius; the future preacher of Your Word and church judge 326 in many matters left, enriched with knowledge and experience. 16. So I found him in Rome; strong ties bound him to me, and he went to Mediolan so as not to leave me and to put his knowledge of law into practice; here he followed his parents’ wishes more than his own. He had already been an assessor three times and amazed the others with his selflessness; he was even more amazed by people who valued gold more than honesty. His character, however, was tested not only by the temptations of acquisitions, but also by the sting of fear. In Rome he was an assessor at the committee in charge of Italian finances 327. There was one very powerful senator there at that time; He bound many with his good deeds or subjugated them with fear. He wanted, using, as usual, his power, to allow himself something that was prohibited by law; Alypius objected. They promised him a reward, he laughed; threatened - he despised the threats. Everyone was surprised at this extraordinary soul, who did not want to be a friend and was not afraid, as an enemy, of a person widely known for his countless abilities to both patronize and harm. The committee, to which Alipius was an adviser, although he himself was against it, he did not answer the senator with an open refusal: he blamed Alipius, assuring him that he did not allow him to give consent; and in fact, if the committee himself had yielded, Alypius would have left him. Only his passion for science almost seduced him: he could order books for himself using the judge's funds 328 . Having considered it fairly, he, however, turned his decision for the better, reasoning that the truth that prohibits is higher than the power that permits. It's a small thing, but "faithful in a little is faithful in much." The word that comes from the mouth of Your Truth cannot be empty: “If you were not faithful in unrighteous wealth, who will believe you what is true? and if you have not been faithful in what belongs to others, who will give you what is yours?” 329. Such was the man who shared my life at that time and who, together with me, hesitated about what way of life he should choose. 17. Nebridius left his homeland, which was located next to Carthage, and Carthage itself, where he constantly visited, left his beautiful father’s village, left his home and mother, who was not going to follow him, and arrived in Mediolanus only so as not to part with me in an ardent search for truth and wisdom: an ardent seeker of a happy life, a keen researcher of the most difficult questions, he, like me, sighed, like me, rushed about. There were three of us hungry, breathing the air of common poverty, “waiting on You to give them food in due time” 330. With every bitter disappointment that, by Your mercy, accompanied our worldly affairs, we sought the meaning of our suffering, and saw nothing in the darkness. We turned away, sighing, and said: “How long?” We often said this and, saying this, continued to live as we lived, because there was nothing right looming before us that, if we grabbed onto anything, we would leave our old life. 18. I was most surprised, remembering with longing how much time had passed since I was nineteen years old, when I first became inflamed with a love of wisdom. I expected, having found her, to leave all empty desires, vain hopes and false hobbies. And now I was already approaching my thirtieth year, and I remained stuck in the same mud, greedily striving to enjoy the present, which was slipping away and scattering me. I said: “Tomorrow I will find her, now she will appear before me with her own eyes, I will hold her: Faustus will come and explain everything.” Oh, great academicians! There is nothing true that can be learned about how to live! Let us, however, look more diligently and not despair. Now, what seemed absurd in church books is not at all absurd; this can be understood differently and correctly. I will establish myself at the level where my parents placed me as a child until I find the obvious truth. But where to look for it? When to look? Once Ambrose; I have no time to read. Where can I look for the books? Where and when to get it? Who to get it from? No, you still need to allocate the hours, choose the time to save the soul. Great hope has already appeared to me: the Orthodox faith does not teach as I thought and what I vainly accused it of: people knowledgeable in it consider it impious to believe that God is limited by the outline of the human body. And I hesitate to knock so that the rest will open. My morning hours are occupied by my students, but what do I do during the rest of the day? Why not address these issues? But when should I bow to influential friends whose support I need? When to cook what students buy? 331 When to relax yourself, taking your soul away from stressful worries? 19. Away with everything; let's leave these trifles aside; let us turn only to the search for Truth. Life is miserable; the hour of death is unknown. If he creeps up suddenly, how will I leave here? where will I learn what I neglected here? and will I not have to bear the punishment for this neglect? What if death takes away all the disturbing thoughts and ends everything? we need to explore this too 332. No, it won't be like that. It is not in vain, not in vain, that the Christian faith has spread throughout the world in all the power of its lofty authority. Never would so many such great things have been accomplished for us by Divine will, if with the death of the body the soul had also disappeared. Why are we hesitating, abandoning worldly hopes, and turning entirely to the search for God and a blessed life? Wait: this world is sweet too, it has a lot of its own charm, it’s not easy to stop craving for it, but it will be a shame to return to it again. How much more do I need to achieve an honorary title! What more could you want here? I have many influential friends; if I don’t really press and don’t want more, then at least I can get the position of governor of the province 333. I should find a wife with at least a little money so as not to increase my expenses. This is the limit of my desires. Many great and exemplary husbands, together with their wives, devoted themselves to the study of wisdom. 20. While I was saying this and the changing winds were throwing my heart here and there, time passed, I hesitated to turn to God and from day to day I put off living in You, but I did not put off dying daily in myself. Loving a happy life, I was afraid to find it where it was: I looked for it, running away from it. I would consider myself deeply unhappy, deprived of a woman’s embrace, and did not think that this weakness could be cured by Your mercy: I did not experience it. I believed that abstinence depended on our own strengths, which I did not notice in myself; I did not know, due to my great stupidity, that it is written: “No one can be abstinent unless God grants” 334 . And You, of course, would have granted this to me if a groan from the depths of my heart had struck Your ears, and with firm faith I would have transferred my care to You. 21. Keeping me from getting married, Alypius stubbornly insisted that if I got married, then we would in no way be able to live together, in peace and leisure, in the love of wisdom, according to our long-standing desire. He himself was in this regard, even then, a surprisingly pure person: on the threshold of his youth, he recognized a carnal relationship, but broke with it; What he was left with from her was rather pain and disgust, and from then on he lived in strict abstinence. I argued with him, citing the example of married people who served wisdom, were pleasing to God and remained faithful and devoted friends. I, of course, was far from their spiritual greatness: shackled by a carnal illness, fatal and sweet, I dragged my chain, afraid to untie it, and repelled the good advice and the hand of the undoer, like touching a wound. Moreover: through my lips the snake 335 spoke to Alypius himself; From my words he weaved tempting nets and placed them on the road so that these honest and free legs would become entangled in them. 22. Alypius was surprised at how stuck I was in the sticky glue of this pleasure 336 (and he thought highly of me), for every time we talked to each other on this subject, I argued that in no way could I live single. Seeing his surprise, I began to defend myself, saying that there was a big difference between what he experienced furtively and in passing, which he hardly remembers and which therefore he so easily, without any burden, neglects, and my long-term relationship, which had turned into a sweet habit. If we were to add here the honest name of marriage, then he would have no reason to wonder why I am not able to despise such a life. In the end, Alypius himself wanted to get married, yielding not at all to the thirst for these pleasures, but out of curiosity. He said that he wanted to find out what it was, without which my life, which he generally liked, seemed to me not life, but torment. The soul, free from these bonds, was amazed at my slavery and, out of amazement, went to experience this passion and, perhaps, from this experience, slide into the very slavery at which it was amazed; after all, she wanted to “get engaged to death,” and “he who loves danger falls into it” 337. What adorns marriage: an orderly family life and raising children - attracted him and me very little. I was kept in painful captivity, mainly, by an irresistible habit of satiating insatiable lust; he was drawn into captivity by surprise. Such were we until You, the Most High, who does not leave our land, took pity on the pitiful and came to our aid in wondrous and secret ways. 23. I was strongly forced to get married. I have already made a proposal and have already received consent; My mother was especially busy here, hoping that, having got married, I would be washed by saving Baptism, to which, to her joy, I was leaning more and more every day; in my faith she saw the fulfillment of her prayers and Your promises. At my request and of her own free will, she cried out to You daily, crying out from the depths of her heart, so that You would reveal to her in a vision something regarding my future marriage; You never wished for this. She had several empty dreams, prompted by the human mind, immersed in this matter; She told me about them disdainfully - not with the faith with which she usually spoke about what You showed her. She said that by some unknown taste, which she was unable to explain in words, she recognized the difference between Your revelation and her own dreams. They insisted on marriage: I wooed a girl who was two years younger than marriageable age 338, and since I liked her, it was decided to wait for her. 24. We, a circle of friends, had long been making plans for a free life away from the crowd: talking about the hated anxieties and hardships of human life, we were almost strengthened in our decision. We were going to organize this free life in this way: everyone gave their property for common use; we decided to form a single alloy from separate states and destroy in genuine friendship the concepts of “mine” and “yours”; a single property, formed from all our funds, should have belonged entirely to each of us and all together. About ten of us were about to join this society, and among us there were very rich people, especially one of my fellow countrymen, Romanian, who had become close friends with me from my earliest youth; grave vicissitudes in business then forced him to arrive at court. He especially insisted on this society, and his entreaties carried great weight, because his enormous wealth far exceeded the means of others. We decided that two people, endowed with a kind of magistracy, would take care of everything necessary for one year, leaving the others alone 339. And then it began to occur to us whether the wives that some of us had acquired, but I wanted to acquire, would allow this. After this, our entire plan, so well developed, crumbled into dust and was discarded, and we again turned to sighs and groans, to walking along the broad and rough paths of this age, for many thoughts lived in our hearts, “but the counsel of the Lord stands forever” 340. And holding to Your advice, You laughed at our plans and prepared Yours; “being prepared to give us food in due season, to open His hand and fill our souls with good will” 341. 25. Meanwhile, my sins multiplied. The one with whom I had lived for a long time was torn away from me as an obstacle to marriage. My heart, which was attached to it, was cut, and it bled. She returned to Africa, making a vow to You not to know another husband and leaving with me my illegitimate son, who lived with her. I, unfortunate one, was not able to imitate this woman: unable to bear the delay - (the girl I was wooing, I could only get after two years) - I, who did not strive for married life, but a slave of lust, got myself another woman, not a wife, of course. The illness of my soul was maintained and continued, unabated, and even intensified by this indulgence in an old habit that drove me under the power of my wife. My wound, caused by the break with my first partner, did not heal: the burning and acute pain passed, but the wound festered and continued to hurt dully and hopelessly 342. 26. Praise be to You, Glory to You, Source of mercy. I became more and more unhappy, and You were getting closer. Your right hand was already above me, ready to snatch me out of the mud and wash me, but I did not know this. From the pool of carnal pleasures, even deeper, I was kept only by the fear of death and Thy future Judgment, which, despite all the changes in my thoughts, never left my heart. I discussed with my friends, Alypius and Nebridius, about the boundary of good and evil; I would give primacy in my soul to Epicurus if I did not believe that the soul continues to live after death and is rewarded according to its deserts; Epicurus did not want to believe this. And I asked myself: if we were immortal, if we lived, constantly enjoying bodily pleasure and there was no fear of losing this pleasure, then why shouldn’t we be happy and what else should we look for? I did not know that the great calamity is precisely evidenced by the fact that, degraded and blind, I am unable to comprehend either the light of honest virtue or beauty, which should be strived for unselfishly and which the carnal eye does not see; it is seen with inner vision. I did not understand, unfortunate one, from what source the sweetness of conversation even about such vile things flowed; why I couldn’t be happy without friends, although I had plenty of carnal pleasures then. I loved these friends unselfishly and felt that they loved me unselfishly. O winding paths! Woe to the insolent soul who hoped that by leaving You she would find something better. She twisted and turned from side to side, and on her back, and on her stomach - everything was rigid. There is peace in You alone. And here You are, You free us from pitiful delusions and put us on Your path, and console us, and say: “Run, I will carry you and bring you to the goal, and I will carry you there” 343. My youth 344, evil and criminal, had already died: I entered adulthood, and the older I got, the more vile I became in my empty dreams. I could not imagine any other entity other than the one that these eyes of mine were accustomed to seeing. I have not imagined You 345, Lord, in human form: since I began to listen to the voice of wisdom 346; I always ran away from such ideas and rejoiced that I found the same faith in Thy Orthodox Church, our spiritual Mother. However, it did not occur to me how else to introduce You. I tried - I, a man and such a person - to imagine You, the highest, one, true God! I believed with all my heart that You are not subject to deterioration, damage, or change - I don’t know where or how, but I clearly saw and knew for sure that what deteriorates is lower than what cannot deteriorate; I did not hesitate to prefer what was inaccessible to damage to what could be damaged; that which cannot undergo any change is better than that which can change. My heart protested violently against all my inventions; I tried with one blow to drive away from my mental gaze this dirty swarm rushing in front of him, but as soon as it moved away, in the blink of an eye it, curled up, appeared again and rushed into my eyes, blocking out the light: I was forced to imagine even that very thing, not subject to deterioration, damage and change, that I preferred to the deteriorating, defective and changeable one, not as a human body, true, but as something corporeal and located in space, either poured into the world, or spilled outside the world in infinity. I thought of everything removed from space as nothing, but absolute nothing: it was not even the emptiness that remains if a body is removed from some place; After all, there will remain a place free from any body, whether earthen, wet, airy or celestial; here, however, the empty space was a kind of spatial nothingness 347. 2. So I became fat in my heart, 348 and I did not notice myself, considering that something that could not stretch out, spread out, gather together, swell, in general, take any form or be able to take it in some segment of space, did not exist at all. Among the forms my eyes were accustomed to wander, among the same similarities my heart wandered; I did not see that the ability 349 with which I created these very images was not something similar to them: it could not have created them if it were not something great. I imagined this, the Life of my life, that You, the Great One, permeate the vast world from everywhere in infinite space and that You are spread beyond its borders in all directions in boundlessness and immeasurability: You are on earth, You are in heaven. You are everywhere and everything ends in You, but You have no end anywhere. And just as dense air, the air above the earth, does not prevent the sunlight from passing through it and filling it entirely, without tearing or splitting, so, I thought, It is easy for You to pass not only the sky, the air and the sea, but also the earth: You penetrate all parts of the world; the biggest and the smallest, and they catch Your presence; With Your mysterious breath, You control everything that you have created from within and without. So I assumed, not being able to imagine anything else; and it was a lie. In this case, the larger part of the earth would receive a larger part of You, and the smaller part would receive a smaller part: You would fill everything with Yourself, but there would be more of You in the elephant than in the sparrow, and to the extent that the elephant is larger than the sparrow and takes up more space. Thus, You would devote yourself to individual parts of the world in pieces: you would give a lot to the big, and little to the small. In fact, this is not so, but You have not yet illuminated the darkness in which I was. 3. It was enough for me, Lord, against these deceived deceivers 350 and dumb chatterers - after all, it was not from them that Your word sounded - it was enough for me that question that Nebridius liked to propose long ago, since Carthaginian times (all of us who listened to him then were confused): “What would this unknown tribe of darkness do to You, which they usually put up against You as an enemy force, if You did not wish fight him? If they answered that it would cause You some harm, then it would turn out that You are inferior to the force and you can be harmed. If they had said that it could not harm You in any way, then every reason for struggle and such a struggle would disappear, in which a certain part of Yours, a product of Your very Essence 351, mixed with hostile forces and beings not created by You, and turned out to be so spoiled and changed for the worse by them that instead of bliss, it found itself in sorrow and required help in order to break free and cleanse itself 352. This is the soul to whose aid Your Word has come: to the slave - free, to the stained - pure, to the vicious - holy, although accessible to vice, as coming from the same essence! 353 So, if they said that You are what You are, that is, Your Essence, which expresses You, cannot become worse, then all their statements are false and disgusting; if they say that it can, then this is a lie, from which one must turn away from the very first word. This evidence is sufficient against them, who should have been vomited in every possible way, having freed their hearts from their oppression: they could not get out of this contradiction without the terrible blasphemy of the heart and verbal, which was contained in such thoughts and words about You. 4. Although I claimed that You are blameless, constant and completely unchangeable, and firmly believed in this, our God, the true God, Who created not only our souls, but also our bodies, not only our souls and bodies, but everything and everyone, for me, however, the cause of evil was not yet clear and unraveled. I only saw that, whatever it may be, it must be sought in such a way as not to be forced to recognize God, who knows no treason, as changing; not to become what you were looking for 354. So, I calmly went about my search, confident that there was no truth in their words. I moved away from them with all my soul, seeing that, searching for where evil comes from, they themselves are filled with malice and therefore think that you would rather endure evil than they would commit evil. 5. I tried to understand what I heard, namely, that the will, free in its decision, is the reason that we do evil and endure Thy just judgment 355 - and I was not able to clearly understand this reason. Trying to extract my mind from the abyss, I plunged into it again; often tried - and plunged again and again 356. What lifted me to Your light was that I also knew that I had a will, just as I knew that I was living. When I wanted or didn’t want something, I knew for sure that it was not someone else, but me, who wanted or didn’t want, and I was about to comprehend where the reason for my sin was. I saw, however, in the actions I committed against my will, the manifestation of a passive rather than an effective principle, and I considered them not guilt, but a punishment that justly struck me: representing You as fair, I quickly admitted this. And, however, I began to say again: “Who created me? Isn’t it my God, Who is not only good, but is Good itself? Where do I get this desire for bad and unwillingness for good? So that there would be a reason to punish me fairly? Who invested in me, who grafted this bitter shoot into me, when I came entirely from my sweetest Lord? If the culprit is the devil, then where does the devil himself come from? If he himself, by his perverted will, turned from a good angel into a devil, then where does this evil will come from in him, which made him a devil, when he, a perfect angel, was created by a good Creator? And I again suffocated under the weight of these thoughts, without, however, descending to the hellish abyss of that delusion when no one confesses to You, believing that You can sooner become worse than a person commits evil. 6. So I tried to get to the rest, just as I had already reached the point that what is not getting worse is better than what is getting worse; That’s why I confessed that You, whoever You are, cannot become worse. Never has a single soul been able or will be able to imagine something that would be better than You, Who is the highest and perfect Good. And since, in all fairness and with complete confidence, one must prefer, as I have already preferred, what is not deteriorating to what is deteriorating, and pay attention to where evil comes from, that is, the source of deterioration, to which Your essence cannot in any way be subjected; Yes, in no way can our Lord become worse: not by any will, not by any necessity, not by any unforeseen event, for He is God, and what He wants for Himself is good, and He Himself is Good; to become worse is no good. You cannot be forced to do anything against your will, for Your will is not greater than Your power. It would be greater if You Yourself were greater than Yourself, but the will and power of God is God Himself 357. And what could be unexpected for You, Who knows everything? Every creature exists only because You know it. And why talk a lot about the fact that the Divine essence cannot become worse? if it could, then God would not be God. 7. And I searched for where evil came from, but I searched poorly and did not see evil in my very searches. I mentally imagined everything created: both what we can see - for example, the earth, sea, air, stars, trees, mortal beings - and what is invisible to us, for example, the firmament of the highest sky 358, all angels and all spirits. Even them, as if they were corporeal, were placed here and there by my imagination. From what You created, I formed something huge and unified, adorned with creatures of different kinds 359: there were both genuine corporeal beings and those imagined by me as spiritual ones. I imagined this “something” to be huge - not to the extent of its real size, incomprehensible to me - but the way I wanted, and limited from everywhere. You, Lord, surrounded and penetrated him on all sides, remaining infinite in all respects. If, for example, there was a sea everywhere, and one infinite sea stretched into immeasurability in all directions, and in it there was a sponge of any size, but finite, then the immeasurable sea would penetrate into this sponge from all sides, filling it 360 . So, I thought, Your finite creation is full of You, the Infinite, and said: “Here is God and here is what God has created; God is good and far, far surpasses His creation; Good, He created good and somehow surrounds and fills it. Where is evil and where and how did it creep here? What is its root and its seed? Or is it not there at all? Why are we afraid and wary of what does not exist? And if we fear in vain, then, of course, fear itself is evil, 361 for it persecutes us in vain and torments our hearts - all the more evil because there is nothing to fear, but we are still afraid. And therefore, either there is evil that we fear, or fear itself is evil. Where does this come from, if God created all this, the Good One is good. The greater and highest Good created the lesser Good, but both the Creator and the creature are good. Where does evil come from? Wasn't the matter from which He created evil? He gave it form and order, did he leave something in it that he did not turn into good? Why is this? Or He was powerless to transform and change it entirely so that nothing evil remained. He, the All Mighty? And, finally, why did He want to create from it, and not just destroy it with the power of this same omnipotence? Or could it exist against His will? And if she was eternal, why did He allow her to remain in this state for an infinite number of times and only then did He want to create something out of her? 362 And if He suddenly wanted to act, wouldn’t it be better for Him, the Almighty, to act in such a way that it would disappear, and He would remain alone, the whole Truth, the highest and infinite Good? And if it is not good for Him, the good One, to make and establish something evil, then why, having destroyed and reduced evil matter to nothing, He Himself did not create good, from which He would create everything? He cannot be omnipotent if He cannot establish anything good, without the help of matter not approved by Him” 364. I thought and rethought such thoughts in my unhappy heart, which was burdened and gnawing by the fear of death and the consciousness that the truth had not been found; However, the church, Orthodox faith in Thy Christ, “Our Lord and Savior”, steadfastly held in my heart, in many ways, however, still unclear, without support in dogmas, but it did not leave my soul, penetrating it more and more from day to day 365. 8. I have already discarded the false predictions and wicked ravings of mathematicians 366. May my soul confess from its very depths Your mercy towards me, Lord! You, You alone, for who else can bring us back from the death of all error, if not Life, Who does not know death; Wisdom that illuminates dark souls. She herself does not need any light, and rules everything in the world, right down to the flying leaves. You took care to send a man who would cure the stubbornness with which I argued with Vindician, an old man of a keen mind, and Nebridius, a young man of a wonderful soul. The first insistently asserted, the second often repeated, with some hesitation, it is true that there is no science of predicting the future, but human guesses often acquire the power of an oracle: predictors do not know what will happen, but, speaking about many things, they stumble upon what will really happen. And so You sent me a friend who loved to consult with astrologers; He was not very knowledgeable in their writings 367, but, as I said, out of curiosity he conferred with them. He knew, in his words, one fact from his father, but he just did not suspect what a weapon this fact was to refute this famous science. This man was called Firmin, was well educated and had an elegant speech. One day he began to consult with me, as a close person, about some of his affairs, which animated him with proud worldly hopes, and asked what I thought about the so-called “his constellations.” I was already beginning to incline towards the thoughts of Nebridius and did not refuse to express to him both my guesses and what comes to the mind of a hesitant person. I added that I was almost convinced of the ridiculous emptiness of these predictions. Then he told me how interested his father was in such books; he had a friend who was simultaneously immersed in these pursuits with him. The same zeal and joint pursuits of such trifles further inflated their ardor; They noticed the time when domestic animals were delivered from their burden (if this happened at home), and the position of the luminaries corresponding to this time: this is how they gained experience in their imaginary science. Firmin said, according to his father, that when his mother was pregnant with him, some servant of his father’s friend also became distressed. This circumstance could not hide from the owner, who strove to know exactly the time when his dogs were whelping. And so, when Firmin’s father was very accurately and carefully calculating days, hours and the smallest fractions of an hour for his wife, and his friend was doing the same for his maid, it so happened that both women gave birth at the same time; both were forced to draw up the same horoscope down to the last detail - one for their son, the other for a slave. When the birth began, both began to notice what was going on at each person's home, and they identified people who would be sent one after another, so that everyone would be immediately informed about the birth of the child. Since they were the rulers at home, it cost them nothing to ensure the continuous delivery of information. And so the messengers from both houses, he said, met at an equal distance from one and the other house; it was necessary to note that both the positions of the stars and the time of birth coincide 368. And yet Firmin, the son of prominent parents, moved rapidly along the broad path of this world 369: his wealth increased, and his honor increased; the slave bore the usual yoke of slavery, which did not become any lighter, and served his masters, as Firmin himself, who knew him, told me. 9 . When I listened to this reliable story - Firmy was trustworthy - then all my resistance collapsed; First of all, I tried to destroy his curiosity in Firmin himself. I told him that observations of “his stars” would allow me to speak the truth if in these stars I saw his parents occupying first place in their circle, a noble provincial family, descent from free ancestors, an excellent upbringing. If that slave had consulted me, referring to the same stars - he was born under the same stars as Firmin - then in order to tell him the truth, I again had to see in them a family in complete humiliation, a slave state and, in general, a life completely different from the first and very far from it. And from this it followed that, observing the same thing, I must, in order to tell the truth, say different things (if I said the same thing, I would lie). Hence the absolutely precise conclusion: the truth is told in the stars not on the basis of scientific data, but by chance, and they lie not out of ignorance of science, but because they were accidentally deceived. 10. This opened the way for thoughts that I chewed and chewed: I wanted to attack the extravagant people who live on this income, ridicule them and refute them, but I was afraid that, objecting to me, they would say that either Firmin told me or his father told him a lie. Therefore, I began to carefully observe twins, who in most cases are born one after another after such a short period of time that, no matter how great, at the insistence of mathematicians, its significance is, it is impossible to observe it with the human eye, much less note it in a record that a mathematician 370 must look at for his prediction to be true. It will not be true, because, looking at the same record, he would have to say the same thing to Esau and Jacob, but the fate of both was completely different. He, therefore, would have told a lie, and if he had told the truth, he should have said more than the same thing, although he was looking at the same record: that means he would have told the truth, guided not by science, but by chance. But You, Lord, who rule the world in all justice, secretly inspire - those asking and answering do not even suspect it - to give the questioner the answer that he should hear according to the secret merits of his soul - an answer coming from the depths of Your righteous judgment. Let no person answer it: “What is this?”, “How is this?”; let him not answer, let him not answer: he is only a man. 11. So You freed me, my Helper, from these fetters, but I continued to look for where the evil came from, and there was no way out. You did not allow the excitement of thoughts to carry me away from my faith: You exist, and Your essence is unchangeable. You care about people and judge them, both in Christ, Your Son, our Lord, and also in the Holy Scriptures, which Your Church unshakably affirms. You have given the way to salvation and the future life. This faith grew stronger and lived unshakably in my soul, and yet, not knowing peace, I asked myself where evil came from. My God! How my heart was tormented by labor pains, how it groaned! And You inclined Your ear to him, but I did not know about it. I persistently searched in silence, but loud cries rose to You, the Merciful - my silent mental torment 371. You knew that I tolerate, people do not. How little did my tongue convey this to the ears of my closest friends! Was the anxiety of my soul, which I had neither time nor words to convey, was heard by them? Everything turned to Your ear: “I cried out from the torment of my heart, my desire was before You, and the light of my eyes was not with me” 372. For he was within, and I lived without; this light is not in space 373. And I only paid attention to what took up space in space. and found no place to rest there; the material world did not accept me so that I could say: “enough, good,” and did not let me go back to where I would be “enough” and “good.” I stood above this world and below You, and You, Lord, true Joy, to me, submissive to You, would subdue all creation standing below me. This was the true relationship, and here in the middle lay the path to salvation: to remain “in Your image” and, serving You, to rule over the body 374. When I proudly rebelled against You and walked against the Master “under my thick shield” 375, then this lower world rose above me and fell on me: there was no mercy and there was no respite 376. Creatures stood up in a huddled heap from all sides before my eyes; and in front of thought, blocking the way back, are his likenesses; It was as if they were saying to me: “Where are you going, unworthy and dirty?” And all this grew from my wound, for “You humbled the proud as if you were wounded” 377: my arrogance separated me from You, and my eyes closed on my face, which was too pouty. 12. But You, Lord, “remain forever,” but “are not angry with us forever,” 378 for You had compassion on dust and ashes, and You were pleased to transform my ugliness in Your eyes. You pricked my heart with Your goad, so that I would have no peace until I was confident in You with my inner vision. The pout from Your secret healing fell away, and the frustrated, dim vision of my soul was restored from day to day from the caustic ointment of healing suffering. 13. And first of all, You wanted to show me how “You resist the proud, but give grace to the humble” 379, and how merciful You are, showing people the path of humility, for “The Word became flesh and dwelt among people” 380. You delivered to me, through one person puffed up with monstrous pride, some books of the Platonists, translated from Greek into Latin 381. I read there, not in the same words, it is true, but the same thing 382 with many varied evidence convincing of the same thing, namely: “In the beginning was the Word and the Word was with God and the Word was God. It was with God in the beginning. Everything began to be through Him, and without Him nothing began to be that began to be. In Him was life, and life was the light of men. And the light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not overcome it” 383. The human soul, although it testifies to light 384, is not itself light 385; The Word, God, is “the true Light that enlightens every person who comes into this world,” and He was “in this world, and the world was created by Him, and the world did not know Him.” The same thing that He came to His estate, and His own did not accept Him, but to those who accepted Him, those who believe in His Name, He gave the power to be “children of God” 386 - I did not read that there. 14. I also read there that the Word, God, was born 387 “not from the flesh, not from blood, not from the will of a man, not from the will of the flesh,” but from God, but that “the Word became flesh and dwelt among us” 388 - I did not read that there. I found that in these books it is said in all sorts of ways and in different ways that the Son, possessing the properties of the Father, did not consider Himself an impostor, considering Himself equal to God; After all, by His nature He is God 389. But that He “made Himself of no reputation, taking the form of a servant, becoming like men, and becoming in appearance like a man; humbled Himself, becoming obedient even to the point of death, even the death of the cross - therefore God highly exalted Him and gave Him the Name that is above every name, so that at the Name of Jesus everything on earth, in heaven and in the grave should bow its knee, and every tongue should confess that the Lord Jesus abides in the glory of the Father” 390 - this is not in these books. That before all times and above all times Thy Only Begotten Son unchangeably abides, eternal as Thou art, and that “from His fullness” 391 souls receive bliss, and through the participation of the wisdom that abides in Him, they are renewed and made wise—this is there, but that “at a certain time He died for the ungodly, and You did not spare Your Son, but delivered Him up for us all.” 392 – it’s not there. “You hid this from the wise and prudent and revealed it to babes” so that “those who labor and are heavy laden” would come to Him and He would calm them, because “he is meek and lowly in heart” 393 and “guides the meek in the path of justice and teaches the submissive in His ways,” seeing our humility and our labor and “forgiving all our sins” 394. They, having risen to the buskins of a supposedly higher science, do not hear the one who says: “Learn from Me, for I am meek and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.” Although they know God, they “do not glorify Him as God, nor thank Him; their thoughts are vain and their foolish heart is darkened; calling themselves wise, they turned out to be fools" 395. 15. And therefore I read there that they attributed “Your incorruptible glory” to idols and various images, “the likenesses of corruptible man, birds, four-footed animals and snakes” 396. This is the Egyptian food for which Esau lost his birthright, for the people, Your firstborn, “who turned their hearts to Egypt,” honored the four-legged instead of You and bowed down Your image, their soul, before the image of “the calf chewing hay.” I found this food there and did not chew it. It pleased You, O Lord, not to disparage the younger Jacob: “let the elder serve the younger,” and You called the pagans to Your inheritance 397 . And I came to You from the pagans and rushed to the gold, which, by Your will, Your people carried away from Egypt, for wherever it was, it was Yours 398. And through Your Apostle You told the Athenians that “we live and move and have our being through You,” 399 as some of their fellow tribesmen said. In any case, those 400 books came from there. I did not reach out to the Egyptian idols, which they served with Your gold: “they replaced the truth of God with a lie and worshiped and served the creature instead of the Creator” 401. 16. And enlightened by these books, I returned to myself and, guided by You, I entered into my very depths: I was able to do this because “You became my helper” 402. I entered and saw with the eye of my soul, no matter how weak it was, above this very eye of my soul, above my mind, an unfading Light 403, not this ordinary light visible to every flesh and not related to it, only stronger, flared up much, much brighter and flooded everything around. No, it was not that light, but something completely, completely different from such a light. And He was not above my mind like oil above water, not like heaven above the earth: He was higher, for He created me, and I stood lower, for I was created by Him. Whoever recognized the Truth 404 recognized this Light, and whoever recognized It recognized eternity. Love knows Him. Oh, Eternal Truth, True Love, Beloved Eternity! 405 You are my God, I sigh to You day and night. And as soon as I recognized You, You took me to Yourself: let me see that there is One whom I tried to see, and that I am not yet the one to see 406. You blinded my weak eyes, striking me with Your rays, and I trembled with love and fear. I saw that I was far from You in this country, where everything had fallen away from You 407, and as if from the heights I heard Your voice: “I am food for adults: grow and you will taste Me. And you will not change Me in yourself, like bodily food, but you will change in Me.” And I realized that “You admonish a person for his injustices and make his soul disappear like a cobweb” 408, and I said: “Is truth really nothing, since it is not diffused either in finite or infinite space?” And You shouted from afar: “I am, I Am” 409. I heard how they hear with my heart, and there was no reason for me to doubt anymore: I would rather doubt that I live than that there is Truth, comprehended by the mind through the created world 410. 17. I examined everything that was lower than You and saw that it cannot be said about it that it exists or that it does not exist: it exists because everything is from You, and it does not exist because it is not what You are. Only that which remains unchanged truly exists. “It is good for me to cleave to God” 411, for if I do not abide in Him, I cannot abide in myself. He, “being in Himself, renews everything; You are my Lord, and You do not need my blessings” 412. 18. It became clear to me that only good things can become worse 413. If it were absolute good, or if it were not good at all, then it could not become worse. Absolute good cannot become worse, and in that which has no good at all, there is nothing to become worse. Deterioration causes harm; if it did not reduce the good, it would not cause harm. So: either deterioration does not cause harm - which cannot be - or - and this is absolutely clear - everything that deteriorates is deprived of good. If it is completely deprived of goodness, it will cease to exist altogether. If it remains and can no longer worsen, it will become better, for it will remain no worse. Isn’t it monstrous, however, to assert that with the complete loss of good it will become better? If, therefore, it is completely deprived of good, then it will not exist at all; this means that as long as it exists, it is good, and, therefore, everything that exists is good, and that evil, the origin of which I asked, is not a substance; if it were a substance, it would be good, or a substance not subject to deterioration at all, that is, great and good; or a substance subject to deterioration, which would be impossible if there were no good in it. So, I saw and it became clear to me that You created everything good and that, of course, there are no substances that You did not create. And since You did not make everything equal, then everything that exists - each individually - is good, but everything together is very good, for our God “created everything very well” 414. 19. And for You there is no evil at all, not only for You, but also for Your entire creation, for there is nothing that would break in from the outside and break the order that You have established. It is considered evil that something taken separately does not agree with something, but the same thing agrees with something else and turns out to be good and good in itself. And everything that does not agree with each other agrees with the lower world 415, which we call earth, with its cloudy and windy climate suitable for it. Yes, I will not say such words: “It would be better if this world did not exist!” If I knew only him, then I would wish for the best, but for this alone I would have to praise You, for that You are worthy of praise, this is proclaimed “from the earth by great serpents and all the deeps, fire, hail, snow, ice, stormy winds, fulfilling His word, mountains and all the hills, fruitful trees and all cedars, wild animals and all livestock, creeping things and winged birds, kings of the earth and all nations, princes and all the judges of the earth, young men and maidens, old men and youths, praise the name of the Lord.” Let them praise You from heaven, let them praise You, our God, “in the highest, all Your angels, all Your armies, the sun and the moon, all the stars and light, the heavens of the heavens and the waters that are above the heavens, let them praise Your Name” 416; having embraced everything in thought, I no longer desired anything better; the highest, of course, is better than the lowest, but, having weighed everything according to common sense, I found that the whole world as a whole is better than the highest, taken separately 417. 20. There is no health in those who do not like anything in Your creation, just as I did not have it when I did not like much of what You created 418. And since my soul did not dare to declare that it did not like my Lord, it did not want to consider as Yours what it did not like. And from here she came to the idea of ​​​​two substances, but she did not find peace and spoke in a foreign language. From there, she created a god for herself, scattered everywhere in endless space, decided that it was You, placed him in her heart and became a church to her idol, disgusting to You. When, without my knowledge, You healed my head and closed “my eyes so that they do not see vanity” 419, I took a breath from myself, my madness fell asleep; I woke up in You and saw that You are infinite in a different way, but I did not see it with carnal vision. 21. I looked back at the created world and saw that it owes its existence to You and is contained in You, but in a different way, not as if in space; You, the Almighty, hold it in your hand, in Your truth, for everything that exists is true, insofar as it exists. Nothing is illusory except that which we consider to exist, when it does not exist. And I saw that everything corresponds not only to its place, but also to its time, and You, the One Eternal, did not begin to act after countless centuries: all the centuries that have passed and that will pass would not have left and would not have come if You had not acted and remained 420. 22. And I realized from experience that it is not surprising if bread, tasty to a healthy person, is painful to eat when the palate hurts; light, dear to good eyes, is unbearable to the sick. And Your justice does not please sinners, much less snakes and worms, whom You created good, suitable for the lower stages of Your creation; sinners themselves are suitable for them, since they have lost Your likeness; they will approach higher levels as this likeness is restored. I asked what sinfulness is, and what I found was not a substance: it is a perverted will, from a higher substance, from You, God, turning to the lower, throwing away “its inner” and growing stronger in the outer world. 23. I was surprised that I already loved You, and not a ghost instead of You, but I could not stand in my God and rejoice: I was drawn to You by Your beauty, and my burden was carried away, and I rolled down with a groan; This burden is the habits of the flesh. But the memory of You was with me, and I no longer doubted at all that there was One to whom I needed to cling, only I was not yet able to cling to Him, because “this corruptible body burdens the soul and the earthly dwelling suppresses the over-concerned mind” 421; I was absolutely sure that “the invisible things from the creation of the world are comprehended by the mind through the created things; eternal is Your power and Divinity" 422. And wondering where I got the ability to evaluate the beauty of heavenly and earthly bodies, to quickly and sensibly judge changing objects and say: “this should be like this, otherwise it shouldn’t be like that,” - wondering where I got this ability to judge, when I judge like this, I found that above my changeable thought there is an unchanging, real and eternal Truth. And gradually from the body to the soul, which feels through the body, from there to its inner strength, which receives news of the external through the bodily senses (here is the limit of what is possible for animals), then to the ability to reason, which constitutes judgments about what is perceived by the bodily senses 423. Having understood her variability, she rises to self-knowledge, takes thought away from the usual, frees herself from the confusion of contradictory ghosts, striving to understand what light has been splashed upon her. And when she exclaims with complete confidence that the unchangeable should be preferred to the changeable, through which she comprehended the unchangeable itself - if she did not comprehend it in some way, she could in no way put it ahead of the changeable - then she comes in a timid and instantaneous insight to the One who is 424. Then I saw “Thy invisible things comprehended through creation,” but I could not yet fix my gaze on it; thrown back by my weakness, I returned to my habits and took with me only a loving memory and, like a desire for food, known by smell; I couldn’t taste it yet. 24. I sought the way in which I would gain the power necessary to enjoy You, and I did not find it until I took hold of “the Mediator between God and men, the man Christ Jesus,” 425 who is “God who is over all, blessed forever.” 426 He calls and says: “I am the Way and the Truth and the Life” 427 and the Food that I did not have the strength to taste. He mixed it with flesh, for “the Word became flesh,” 428 so that Your wisdom, with which You created all things, for us babes, could turn into milk. I, not humble myself, could not accept the humble Jesus, my Lord, and did not understand what His humiliation taught us. He, Your Word, the Eternal Truth, the highest of all Your highest creations, raises the submissive to Himself; at the lowest level of creation, He built Himself a humble dwelling out of our dirt, so that those who must be conquered, torn away from themselves and transported to Himself, to heal their arrogance, to nourish love in them; let them not go further in their self-confidence, but let them feel better their weakness, seeing at their feet the Divinity, weak from taking on our skin clothing; let them, tired, fall on their faces before Him, but He, having risen, will raise them up. 25. I thought differently and in Christ my Lord I saw only a Man of exceptional wisdom, with whom no one could compare, especially since He was miraculously born of a Virgin, so that there would be an example of contempt for temporal goods in order to achieve immortality. It seemed to me that, due to Divine care for us, His teaching deserved such significance. I could not even suspect what mystery was contained in the words “The Word became flesh.” I knew only from the Books written about Him that He ate and drank, slept, walked, rejoiced, grieved, talked; I knew that this body could not be united with Your Word without a human soul and mind. This was known to everyone who knew the immutability of Your Word, which I also knew to the best of my ability - I had no doubts about this. In fact: sometimes moving bodily members at will, sometimes not moving them, sometimes experiencing some feeling, sometimes not experiencing it, sometimes expressing intelligent thoughts in words, sometimes remaining in silence - all these are signs of a mind and soul that are subject to change. If this is written about him falsely, then all these Books can be suspected of deception, and in these Books there is nothing left that would save the human race by faith. And since what was written is true, I considered Christ to be completely human, having not only a human body or a soul together with the body, but without a mind, but a real man, and not the incarnate Truth; in my opinion, He should have been preferred to the rest due to the great superiority of His human nature and more perfect participation in wisdom 429. Alypius believed that in the Orthodox Church they believe in God clothed in flesh, so that Christ is only God and flesh; he believed that the human soul and mind were not attributed to Him. And since he was firmly convinced that His deeds, of which records have been preserved, could only have been accomplished by a living, intelligent creature, he moved towards the Christian faith with laziness. Later, however, realizing the error of the Apollinarian heresy 430, he joined the Church, rejoicing with it and entering it. I confess that much later I understood how the words “The Word became flesh” separate the Orthodox truth from the Photinian lie 431 . The refutation of heretics brightly illuminates the thoughts of Your Church and the content of its healthy teaching. “There must also be heresies, so that those who have been tried will appear” 432 among the weak. 26. Reading the books of the Platonists inspired me to seek the incorporeal truth: I saw “the invisible, understood through creation,” and, thrown back, I felt that, due to the darkness of my soul, contemplation was impossible for me. I was sure that You exist, that You are infinite, but are not spread out in space, finite or infinite. Truly You exist. You, who are always the same, unchangeable in everything, unchangeable by anything; everything received its existence from You; the only surest proof of this is that it exists. I was sure of it, but I was too weak to live by You. I chatted as if I understood, but if I had not sought Thy way in “Christ our Savior,” I would have found myself not understanding, but perishing. I have long wanted to appear wise (the fullness of the punishment is in me!) and I did not cry, moreover, I boasted of my knowledge. Where was the love that stood on the foundation of humility, on Jesus Christ? When did those books teach me this? I believe that You wanted me to come across them even before I became acquainted with Your Scripture: let the impression from them be engraved in my memory; may later, when Your Books tame me and You touch my wounds with healing fingers, may I then see the difference between exaltation and humility; between those who see where to go, and those who do not see the road leading to the blessed fatherland, which one must not only see, but where one must dwell. If I had been brought up from the beginning on Your Holy Books, if You had become sweet to me from close acquaintance with them, and only then had I encountered those books, then perhaps they would have thrown me out of the fortress of my piety, and even if I had resisted the healthy mood that had already seized me, I could still have thought that a person who had studied these books alone 433 could also feel it. 27. So, I greedily grabbed hold of the venerable Books dictated by Your Spirit, and above all the Epistles of the Apostle Paul 434 . All questions about those texts where, as it once seemed to me, he contradicted himself and his preaching did not coincide with the testimonies of the Law and the Prophets disappeared: the unity of these holy sayings became clear to me, and I learned to “rejoice in awe” 435 . I began to read and found that everything that was true, which I had read in the books of philosophers, was also said in Your Scripture through the mediation of Your grace - let not the one who sees boast not only from You that he received not only what he sees, but also the very ability to see (and what does a person have besides what he has received?). May he come to his senses and not only see You, always the same, but may he be healed in order to be with You. He who cannot see You from afar, let him nevertheless take the road along which he will come, see and be with You. If a person enjoys “the law of God according to the inner man,” what will he do with another law, “which in his members is opposed to the law of his mind” and “leads him captive according to the law of sin that is in his members”? 436 For “You are just,” Lord, but we “sinned and did injustice,” acted wickedly, and “Your hand is heavy on us” 437. We were justly handed over to the ancient sinner, the chief of death, 438 for he convinced our will to become like his will, which did not stand in the truth. What will the “unhappy man” do? Who will free him from this body of death 439 if not Your grace, through Jesus Christ our Lord,” Whom You begat “before all ages” and created “at the beginning of Your ways” 440 , in whom “the ruler of this world” 441 found nothing worthy of death and killed Him - so “the manuscript written against us was destroyed” 442 . This was not in those books. There was not in those pages the appearance of this piety, tears of confession, “a sacrifice to You - a humble spirit, a contrite and humble heart” 443, there was not a word about the salvation of the people, about “the city adorned like a bride” 444, about the “deposit of the Holy Spirit” 445, about the Cup that redeemed us. No one there sings: “Is not my soul subjugated to God? From Him is my salvation; for He is my God and my salvation and my protector: I will fear no more” 446. No one will hear the call there: “Come to Me, you who suffer.” They will contemptuously turn away from the teaching of Him who is “meek and lowly in heart” - “You hid this from the wise and prudent and revealed it to babes” 447 . It is one thing to see the fatherland of the world from a wooded mountain, but not to find the road there and try in vain to make your way through the impassable terrain among the traps and ambushes set up by fugitive traitors led by a lion and a serpent 448, and another is to follow the path leading there, guarded by the care of the Heavenly Leader: those who have betrayed the Heavenly Host do not rob there; they run from him as if fleeing torture. These thoughts miraculously took root in me when I read “the least of your apostles” 449; I contemplated Your works and was afraid. My God! How can I remember and thank You, how can I confess Your mercy poured out on me?! May my bones be filled with love for You and may they exclaim: “Lord! Who is like You? You have broken my chains; let me bring you an offering of praise" 450. How You tore them apart, I will tell about this, and all those who worship You, having heard my story, will exclaim: “Blessed is the Lord in heaven and on earth; great and wondrous is His Name" 451. Your words lived in the depths of my heart; You held me captive. I was sure that You would remain forever, but this eternity was a “mystery” for me, “a reflection in a mirror” 452. All doubts about Your unchanging substance are gone; in that all substance comes from it; I did not want to know more about You, but to live confidently in You. There was nothing lasting in my temporary life, and my heart had to be cleansed of the old leaven 453. I liked the Path - the Savior Himself 454, but I had no desire to walk this narrow path. And You inspired me to go to Simplician (I considered this decision good in my understanding): he seemed to me to be Your good servant, illuminated by Your grace. I heard that from his youth he was reverently devoted to You; Now he was already a very old man, and I believed that in many years of diligent following Your path, he experienced a lot and learned a lot 455. This was indeed the case. I wanted to tell him about my unabating anxiety: let him show me how best to act in my then state, in order to follow Your path. 2. I saw that Your Church is full, and its members go one way, another another 456. My life in the world was unbearable to me, and I was very burdened by it; I was no longer burning, as I used to be, with the passion for money and honors that forced me to endure such severe slavery. All this no longer pleased me in comparison with “the sweetness and beauty of Your house, which I have loved” 457. But the woman still wrapped her arms around me tenaciously. The Apostle did not forbid me from married life, although he advised me to choose the best: most of all he wanted all people “to be like himself” 458 . I, weak, chose something more pleasant for myself. This was the only reason why, in other respects, I was powerlessly going down the stream; I was exhausted and dried up from worries, forced, even in what I no longer wanted to endure, to behave in accordance with the family life that kept me in chains. I heard from the mouth of the Truth: “there are eunuchs who have castrated themselves for the sake of the Kingdom of Heaven,” but “whoever can accommodate, let him accommodate” 459, “all people who do not know God are deceitful; they cannot find Him, the Existent, in visible goods” 460. I was no longer in this lie; I stepped over it: all Your creation testified in You, and I found You, our Creator, and Your Word, God abiding with You and with You, the One, through Whom You created everything. There is, however, another breed of wicked people: “knowing God, they did not praise Him as God, and did not give Him gratitude” 461. And I fell into their midst, and “Your right hand caught me” 462 and carried me out of there. You placed me where I could recover, for You said to man: “Godliness is wisdom” and “do not desire to appear wise,” for “those who declared themselves wise turned out to be fools” 463 . I had already found an expensive pearl, which “I had to buy by selling all my property” 464 - and I stood and hesitated. 3. So, I went to Simplician, the father by Thy grace of Bishop Ambrose, who truly loved him as a father. I told him about how I was spinning in my delusions. And when I mentioned that I had read those books of the Platonists which Victorinus, who was once a teacher of rhetoric in Rome (I heard he died a Christian), translated into Latin 465, Simplician congratulated me on the fact that I had not come across the works of other philosophers, full of lies and deceptions “according to the elements of this world”; the same books in different ways, but always imbued with thoughts about God and His Word. Then, persuading me to humble myself before Christ - this is “hidden from the wise and revealed to babes” 466 - he remembered Victorinus himself, whom he knew closely while living in Rome. I will not keep silent about what has been said, for it is fitting to confess and loudly praise Your mercy: this most learned old man, a deep connoisseur of all the liberal sciences, who has read and analyzed so many philosophical works, the mentor of many noble senators, who earned a statue in the Roman forum for his glorious teaching (the citizens of this world consider this honor especially high), until his old age a worshiper of idols, a participant in wicked sacraments, in which almost all the Roman nobility of that time 467 honored the baby Osiris 468, Rome prayed to those whom it defeated: All sorts of monsters; Anubis was revered for barking - They who once took up arms, Against Neptune, Venus and against Minerva 469 – Elder Victorinus defended all this for so many years with a menacing-sounding word and was not ashamed to become a child of Thy Christ, an infant of Thy source 470; put his neck under the humble yoke and tamed his pride under the “shameful” Cross. 4. God! God! You, who bowed the heavens and descended to earth, touching the mountains that were smoking from Your touch 471 - how did You penetrate this heart? He read, according to Simplician, the Holy Scriptures, diligently looked for all sorts of Christian books, delved into them and said to Simplician - not openly, but secretly out of friendship: “You know, I am already a Christian.” He answered him: “I will not believe and will not count you among the Christians until I see you in the Church of Christ.” Victorin chuckled: “So, the walls make a Christian?” and often said that he was already a Christian, and Simplician often answered him with those words of his own, and Victorinus often repeated his joke about the walls. He was afraid of offending his friends, these proud demon ministers; He believed that from the height of their Babylonian greatness, as if from the cedars of Lebanon, which the Lord had not yet crushed, they would heavily bring down their hatred on him 472. Afterwards, however, reading greedily and absorbing what he read, he became imbued with firmness and was afraid that “Christ would deny him before the holy Angels” if he “was afraid to confess Him before people” 473. He seemed to himself to be a great criminal: he was ashamed to swear allegiance to Your humble Word and not ashamed of the wicked service to proud demons, which he performed, becoming like them in pride! He was disgusted with the lie, he was ashamed of the truth: unexpectedly and suddenly, as Simplician said, he said to him: “Let's go to church; I want to become a Christian." He, beside himself with joy, went with him. Instructed in the principles of faith, he soon announced that he wished to be reborn through Baptism 474; Rome was amazed. The church rejoiced. The proud saw and were indignant; they were tormented and gnashed their teeth; to your servant “The Lord God was hope and he did not look back at the vanity and foolishness of lies” 475. 5. The hour of confession of faith has finally come. It was a formula composed in exact words 476, and those approaching the grace of Baptism pronounced it by heart from a high place in the face of Christian Rome. Simplician said that the clergy suggested that Victorinus should say it secretly (the custom was to offer this to people who would probably be embarrassed and afraid). He preferred, however, to announce his salvation in front of the believing crowd. There was no salvation in what he taught in the rhetoric school, and yet he taught openly. Is it fitting for the one who was not ashamed of his words in front of crowds of madmen, 477, to be ashamed of Your gentle flock, while proclaiming Your words? When he went up to make his confession, among all those who knew him his name was heard in a rustle of congratulations. And who didn’t know him then? In the mouths of all those rejoicing, there was a muffled sound: “Victorin, Victorin!” Loud rejoicing at the sight of him; then tense silence: they wanted to hear him. He confessed the true faith with wondrous confidence, and everyone wanted to accept him into their hearts - and they did, wrapping their arms around him, with love and joy. 6. Good God! Why do they rejoice more over the salvation of a desperate soul freed from great danger than over a person who never lost hope and who knew no great danger? After all, You, Merciful Father, rejoice more “over one repentant than over ninety-nine righteous people who do not need repentance.” And we listen with great pleasure when we hear with what glee the shepherd brought the lost sheep on his shoulders; how the neighbors rejoice with the woman who found the drachma and returned it to Thy treasuries. And when they read in Thy house about the youngest son, the joy and triumph of Thy house make us weep, because “he was dead and is alive again, he was lost and is found” 478. Yes, You rejoice in us and in Your angels, sanctified by holy love. You are eternally unchangeable and have known equally from eternity everything that is transitory and changeable. 7. Why does the soul rejoice more in the return of found favorite things than in their permanent possession? This is also attested in other ways; there are witnesses everywhere who will exclaim: “Yes, it is so.” The victorious commander celebrates triumph; he would not have won if he had not fought, and the more dangerous the war, the more joyful the triumph. A storm tosses swimmers and threatens shipwreck; pale, everyone is waiting for death, but the sky and sea calm down, and people are full of jubilation, because they were full of fear. A loved one is sick, his pulse promises trouble; everyone who wishes for his recovery is sick at heart; he is getting better, but still cannot walk as well as before - and everyone has such joy as they never had when he was walking around, healthy and strong! And it is not only sudden disasters that strike against one’s will that make one feel how good life’s blessings are: people seek to enjoy them through deliberate and voluntary deprivation. A person will not enjoy food and drink unless he suffers from hunger and thirst. Drunkards eat salty things to whet their thirst and enjoy quenching it by drinking. It is customary not to immediately send an engaged bride away from home: a woman for whom he has not sighed for a long time as a groom may seem like a pitiful gift to her husband. 8. This is always the case with joy: whether it arises over something vile and disgusting, or over what is permitted and legal; in the heart of the purest and most honest friendship; at the thought of one who “was dead and is alive, lost and is found”: great joy is always preceded by even greater sorrow. Why is this, Lord my God? After all, You are eternal Joy for Yourself, and those around You always rejoice in You 479. Why does damage and excess, discord and reconciliation alternate in this vale? Or is this the law for her, and it was precisely this that You gave to her, when by a fair measure You determined Your place and time and Your honor in every good of Your entire creation - from the heavenly heights to the earthly depths, from the beginning to the end of time, from the Angel to the worm, from the first breath to the last. Alas for me! How high You are in the heights and deep in the depths! You are not going anywhere, but with difficulty we return to You. 9 . God! Awaken us and call us to Yourself, burn us and delight us, ignite us and pour us with Your sweet fragrance: let us love You, let us rush to You. Do not many return to You, like Victorinus, from the darkness of hell? They approach You and are illuminated by that light from which people receive the strength to become Your sons 480. If, however, they are little known, then those who knew them rejoice less about them. When you are joyful with many together, then everyone’s joy is fuller: one becomes heated and flaming from the other. And then known to many - support for many on the path to salvation, and leaders for many who follow them. That is why those who preceded them rejoice a lot over them, for they are not the only ones who rejoice over them. Let it not happen, of course, that in Your sanctuary the rich are received ahead of the poor, 481 and the nobles ahead of the ignorant: after all, You “have chosen the weak to confuse the strong, and You have chosen the ignorant in this world and the despised; made the meaningless significant and weakened the significant” 482. And, however, this very “least of Thy apostles,” in whose mouth these words of Thy rang, preferred to be called not Saul, as before, but Paul as a sign of a great victory: he, a warrior, defeated the pride of the proconsul Paul, brought him under the easy yoke of Christ and brought him into submission to the Great King 483. The enemy is struck more powerfully by the man whom he held tightly and through whom he held many. He holds the greats of the world stronger by reference to their nobility, and through them an even greater number by reference to the authority of the nobility 484 . With what gratitude did they think about Victorine, whose heart the devil held like an impregnable fortress, about Victorine, whose tongue, like a formidable sharp weapon, struck many. The fullness of rejoicing was fitting for Your sons, for our King bound the strong man, before the eyes of the people His vessels were snatched from the enemy, cleansed and prepared in honor of You, “useful to the Lord for every good work” 485 . 10. When Simplicianus, Your man, told me this about Victorinus, I became eager to imitate him: that, of course, was why he told it. Then he added that during the time of Emperor Julian a law was passed prohibiting Christians from teaching grammar and rhetoric 486; having fallen under this law, he chose to leave the school of chatter, but not Your Word, “which makes eloquent the lips of babes” 487. And he seemed to me more like a lucky man than a courageous man: he found an opportunity to free himself for You. I sighed about this, unchained by anyone, but in the shackles of my own will. The enemy held my will, he made a chain out of it for me and tied me up. Lust arises from evil will; you slave to lust - and it turns into a habit; you don’t resist habit – and it turns into necessity 488. It was in these mutually interlocking rings (which is why I spoke of a chain) that cruel slavery 489 kept me. And the new will, which was arising in me and wanted me to honor You for Your sake and be comforted by You, Lord, the only true consolation, was still powerless to overcome the old one, strengthened and inveterate. And my two wills, one old, the other new; one carnal, the other spiritual, fought within me, and in this discord my soul was torn. 11. I understood that I myself was proof of what I had read about, how “the body plots against the spirit, and the spirit against the body” 490. I lived both, but I lived more in what I approved of in myself than in what I did not approve of in myself. It’s more likely that I wasn’t here, because for the most part I endured against my will, and did not act of my own free will. And, however, the habit I had created stubbornly rebelled against me: of my own free will, I came to where I did not want to go. Who can rightfully resist the just punishment that overtakes a sinner? And I no longer had that excuse with which I usually covered myself: “I do not yet reject the world and do not serve You, because I have not yet clearly comprehended the truth” - it was already clear to me. I was connected by earthly things; I refused to become Your warrior and was as afraid of unloading from any burden, as I should have been afraid of the load 491. 12. The burdens of the world pressed gently upon me as if in a dream; My thoughts about You were like the attempts of those who want to wake up, but, overcome by a deep sleep, plunge into it again. And although there is not a single person who would like to always sleep - being awake, according to common sense and universal opinion, is better - but a person usually hesitates to shake off sleep: his limbs are heavy, sleep is already unpleasant, and, however, he sleeps and sleeps, although it is time to get up. So I already firmly knew that it was better for me to give myself to Your love than to give in to an evil desire; she attracted and won, but it was sweet and held 492. I had nothing to answer to Your words: “Wake up, you who sleep; rise from the dead, and Christ will illuminate you.” I, convinced of the truth, had nothing at all to answer to You, who everywhere reveals the truth of Your words, except sluggishly and tiredly: “now,” “right now,” “wait a little,” but this “now and now” did not determine the hour, and “wait a little” stretched out for a long time. In vain did I sympathize with “Thy law, which is in accordance with the inner man,” when “another law in my members rebelled against the law of my mind and made me captive to the law of sin that was in my members” 493 . The sinful law is the power and force of habit, which attracts and holds the soul even against its will, but deservedly so, because it slipped into this habit voluntarily. Who can free me, the unfortunate one, from “this body of death” 494 if not Your grace, given through our Lord Jesus Christ? 13. I confess to You, Lord, my Helper and my Redeemer, and I will tell you how You freed me from the shackles of carnal lust (they tightly entwined me) and from slavery to worldly affairs. I led my normal life, but my anxiety grew; Every day I sighed for You - and attended Your church, as far as my deeds allowed, under the burden of which I groaned. Alypius lived with me, relieved of his duties as a legal adviser after he had been assessor 495 for the third time; he was waiting for someone to sell his advice to, just as I sold my ability to speak (if only I could teach him). Nebridius yielded to our friendly requests and went as an assistant to Verekund, our dearest friend, a native of Mediolan. Verekund was a grammarian and really wanted to get a faithful assistant from among us (he really needed him), and by right of friendship he demanded him from us. Nebridia was brought to him not by the pursuit of profit - he would have achieved more if he had taken up teaching on his own - but, a meek and gentle friend, he, out of duty of friendliness, did not want to neglect our request. He behaved very wisely in his place, being wary of fame among important persons “in this world,” and thereby avoided any mental anxiety: he wanted his soul to have freedom and as much leisure as possible for research, reading and listening to wise conversations. 14. And then one day - I don’t remember for what reason Nebridius was absent, a certain Pontitian, our fellow countryman, since he was a native of Africa, who occupied a prominent place at court, comes to our home, to me and to Alypius; I don’t remember what he wanted from us. We sat down to talk. By chance he noticed a book on the gambling table that stood in front of us, took it, opened it and unexpectedly came across the Epistles of the Apostle Paul, and expected to find something from the books that served the teaching that was tormenting me. Smiling, he looked at me in amazement and congratulated me on the fact that these and only these books suddenly appeared before my eyes. He was a faithful Christian and repeatedly prostrated himself before You, our God, praying often and for a long time in church. When I explained to him that I am most interested in the Scriptures, we began to talk (he began to talk) about Anthony, an Egyptian monk, fairly famous among Your servants, but until that hour unknown to us 496. Having learned about this, he began to talk only about him, introducing the ignorant to such a person and being surprised at this ignorance of ours. We were dumbfounded: according to fresh memory, almost in our time Your miracles, performed according to the right faith in the Orthodox Church, have been indisputably attested. Everyone was amazed: we were amazed at the greatness of what had happened; it is because we have not heard about it. 15. From here he started talking about crowds of monks, about their morals, fanned with Your fragrance, about deserts abounding with hermits, about which we knew nothing. And in Mediolan, outside the city walls, there was a monastery full of good brothers 497, under the care of Ambrose, and we did not know about it. He continued to talk, and we listened carefully, silently. Here he moved on to another story: he and his three other comrades were once in Trevira 498, and when the emperor was watching the circus shows in the afternoon, they went out for a walk in the park that began outside the city walls. They walked in pairs; he and someone else with him separated, and the other two also separated and went in the other direction. Wandering back and forth, they came across a hut where certain of Your servants lived, “poor in spirit, such as the Kingdom of Heaven is,” 499 and found there a book in which the life of Anthony was described. One of them began to read it; marvels, lights up, reads and plans to rush into such a life; leave worldly service and serve You. Both of them were secret police agents. And suddenly, full of holy love and pure shame, angry with himself, he turned his eyes to his friend and said to him: “Please tell me, what are we striving for with all our labor? what are we looking for? What are we serving for? Can we, in the service of the court, hope for anything more than the title of “friends of the emperor”? 500 and then everything is solid and safe? After how many dangers do you come to even greater danger? and when will this be? and if I want, I will become a friend of God right now.” He said this, tormented by the birth of a new life, and again plunged into the book: and read and changed in his heart, which You saw, and renounced the world, as was soon discovered. Reading, overcome with excitement, amid loud lamentations, he separated and determined which was better; has already become Yours and said to a friend: “I am throwing away our previous hopes, I have decided to serve God from this hour, in this place. If you don’t want to, don’t imitate, but don’t object!” He replied that for such pay and in such service he was his faithful comrade. And both are already Yours, they built themselves a tower at a price that suited them: “Leave everything that is theirs and follow You” 501. Meanwhile, Pontician and his companion were walking on the other side of the park; looking for their comrades, they came to that very place, found them and began to persuade them to return, because the day was already fading. They told them what decision they wanted to make, how such a desire was born and strengthened in them, and asked that if they refused to join, then not to bother them. Pontician and his companion remained in their former state, although they mourned themselves. Having respectfully congratulated their comrades, they entrusted themselves to their prayers, and, dragging their hearts in the dust of the earth, they went to the palace, and they, clinging their hearts to the sky, remained in the hut. And both had brides; Having heard about what had happened, they dedicated their virginity to You. 16. This is what Pontician said. But you, Lord, during his story, turned me to face myself: you forced me to leave the place behind my back 502 where I settled, not wanting to look closely at myself. You brought me face to face with me so that I could see my shame and filth, my squalor, my lichens and ulcers. And I saw and was horrified, and there was nowhere to run from myself. I tried to look away from myself, but he told and talked, and You again put me in front of me and forced me, without looking away, to look at myself: look at your untruth and hate it. I had known her for a long time, but I pretended not to know, hid this knowledge and tried to forget about it. 17. And the more ardently I loved those about whom I heard - who, out of a healthy impulse, entrusted themselves entirely to You for healing, the more bitterly, when compared with them, I hated myself, for many of my years had flown by (almost twelve years) since I, as a nineteen-year-old youth, having read Cicero’s “Hortensius”, was inspired by wisdom - but I did not despise earthly happiness and kept postponing the search for it, and meanwhile not only the acquisition, but the search for it alone is preferable to the acquired treasures and kingdoms and carnal pleasures, ready for our services. And as a young man I was very pitiful, and especially pitiful on the threshold of youth; I even asked You for chastity and said: “Give me chastity and abstinence, just not now.” I was afraid that You would not immediately hear me and immediately heal me from my evil passion: I preferred to quench it rather than extinguish it. And I walked the “crooked paths” of blasphemous superstition not because I was confident in it: I seemed to prefer it to other teachings, but did not humbly examine them, but opposed them like an enemy 503. 18. And I have long thought that, having despised worldly hopes, I was putting off following You Alone from day to day, because nothing definite appeared to me where I would direct my path. And then the day came when I stood naked before myself, and my conscience screamed: “Where is your word? You said that you do not want to throw off the burden of vanity, since the truth is unknown to you. And now you know it, but it still crushes you; They, having freed their shoulders, grew wings: they were not tired of searching and ten years (or even more) of reflection.” So, beside myself with burning shame, I reproached myself during Pontitian’s story. The conversation ended, the reason that brought him to us was stated, and he went to himself, and I went to myself. What have I not said to myself? With what thoughts did I not scourge my soul so that it would agree to my attempts to follow You! She resisted, she denied, and she didn't apologize. All her evidence had been exhausted and refuted, but a silent anxiety remained: she was afraid of death, that she would be pulled out of the mainstream of her usual life, in which she withered to death. 19. In this great dispute in my inner home, raised with my soul in the most secluded corner of it - in my heart - I rush to Alypius and with a distorted face, in confusion of mind, I shout: “What is this with us? did you hear? Ignorants rise up and steal the Kingdom of Heaven, and here we are, with our soulless science, wallowing in carnal filth! Or is it because they are ahead, it’s a shame to follow, but it’s not a shame not to go at all?” I don’t know what else I said in the same way; in my excitement, I rushed away from him, and he, shocked, was silent and just looked at me: my speech sounded unusual. My forehead, cheeks, eyes, complexion, and the sound of my voice spoke more about my state of mind than the words I uttered. At our home there was a garden, which we used, as well as the whole house, because the owner of the house who sheltered us did not live here. In my heartfelt turmoil, I rushed to where the hot battle in which I grappled with myself, no one would interfere until the very end - You knew which one, but I didn’t: I went mad in order to gain sanity, and died in order to live; I knew what evil I was in, and did not know what good was just about to await me. So, I went into the garden and Alypius followed me, trail after trail. His presence did not disturb my privacy. How could he leave me like this? We sat as far away from buildings as possible. My soul groaned dully, indignant with violent indignation at the fact that I did not enter into an alliance with You, Lord, and that it was necessary to go to You, “all my bones” 504 shouted about this and raised their praises to the skies. And there is no need for ships, or chariots in fours, or walking 505: the distance is no more than from the house to the place where we were sitting. You just have to want to go, and you’re not only walking, you’re already at the goal, but you have to want it strongly, with all your heart, and not rush back and forth with your half-sick will 506 in which one desire fights with another, and then one takes over, then the other. 20. In the torment of this indecision, I made many gestures that people sometimes want to do and cannot if they do not have the corresponding limbs, if these limbs are constrained, relaxed by fatigue, or something interferes with them. If I pulled out my hair, I hit myself on the forehead; I clasped my fingers and grabbed my knee, then I did it because I wanted to. I could, however, want and not do it, if my members refused me obedience. Consequently, I did a lot in that area where “wanting” and “being able” are not equivalent, and I did not do what was incomparably more desirable to me, and what I could do if I only wished, and in any case I wanted to wish. Here, after all, the opportunity to do and the desire to do are equivalent: to wish means to have already done it. And yet nothing was done: my body more easily obeyed the most insignificant desires of the soul (to move the limbs as I wanted) than the soul in fulfilling its main desire - a fulfillment that depended on its will alone. 21. Where does this monstrous phenomenon come from? Why is it? Illuminate me with Your mercy and let me ask about this; perhaps the answer will come from the hidden places of punishment 507 assigned to people, from the darkness of the contritions of the sons of Adam. Where does this monstrous phenomenon come from and why is it? The soul commands the body, and it immediately obeys; the soul orders itself - and meets resistance. The soul orders the hand to move - it obeys with such ease that it is difficult to catch the gap between the order and its execution. But the soul is the soul, and the hand is the body. The soul commands the soul to wish: it is one, and yet it does not do as ordered. Where does this monstrous phenomenon come from? And why is it? She orders, I say, to wish, who would not give the order if she did not have the desire - and does not do as ordered. But she does not invest herself entirely in this desire, and therefore in the order. The order is effective to the extent of the strength of desire, and it is not carried out if there is no strong desire. The will, after all, commands to desire: it is alone and identical to itself. This means that she does not order from the fullest extent; therefore the order is not executed. If it were complete, there would be no need to order: everything would already be done. And therefore: to desire and not to desire at the same time is not a monstrous phenomenon, but a disease of the soul; the soul cannot stand up completely: it is lifted by truth, it is burdened by habit. And therefore, a person has two desires, but neither of them has integrity: one has something that the other lacks 508. 22. “Let them perish at Thy presence,” Lord, as they perish, “the vain talkers and seducers,” who, noticing the presence of two desires in man, declared that we have two souls of two natures: one good, the other evil. In fact, they are evil, for these thoughts of theirs are evil, but these people can become good if they comprehend the truth and reach agreement with the truth, so that your apostle can say to them: “You were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord” 509. They, however, wanting to be light not in the Lord, but in themselves, believing that the nature of the soul is the same with God, became “thick darkness,” for in their terrible audacity they strayed far from You, the true light, “who enlightened every person who comes into this world” 510. Think about what you are saying, blush and “go to Him,” and “be enlightened, and your faces will not blush” 511. When I was thinking about serving the Lord my God (as I had long ago decided to do), I wanted this and I did not want this - and I was the same. I didn’t quite want to and I didn’t quite want to. That’s why I fought with myself and became divided within myself, but this division, which occurred against my will, testified not to the nature of the other soul, but only to the fact that my own was being punished. And it was not I who created the punishment, but “the sin that dwells in me” 512, as punishment for a sin committed by free will: I was the son of Adam. 23. If there are as many natures at war with each other as there are wills opposing each other, then there will be not two, but many. Someone, for example, is debating whether to go to their gathering 513 or to the theater, and now they are shouting: “Here are two natures: one, good, leads to us; the other is evil and takes her away. Otherwise, where does this oscillation between opposing desires come from? And I say that both of these desires are evil: both the one that sends them to them, and the one that sends them to the theater. They believe that the will is good, in obedience to which they come to them. Fine! And if one of us has two desires arguing, and he hesitates whether to go to the theater or to our church, won’t they also hesitate to answer? Either they admit what they do not want: they go to our church, obeying their good will, as those who have become involved in its sacraments and are members go to it, or they will consider that two evil natures and two evil souls collide in one person: then either their usual speeches about one good and the other evil will turn out to be untrue, or they will turn to the truth and will not deny that when discussing something, the same soul is worried by different things desires. 24. Let them not say, seeing how two wills argue in one person, that two warring souls are fighting in him, originating from two warring substances and from two warring principles: one good, the other evil. For you, O Righteous God, reject them, convict them and refute them by pointing to two evil wills: a person, for example, discusses whether to destroy someone with a sword or poison; seize this other person's estate or that (he is not able to seize both), lavish money on him on pleasures or greedily save it, go to the circus or the theater, if both are open that day. I’ll add a third desire: should he, if the opportunity arises, rob someone else’s house; I’ll add a fourth: whether to commit adultery, if the opportunity opens up here too. What if all these desires collide in a short period of time, and all are equally strong? It is impossible to implement them at the same time. They will have to tear their souls apart between these four warring wills, or even between a large number of them: after all, many things are desirable. They, however, do not talk about the same multiplicity of different substances 514. It's the same with good desires. I ask them: is it good to enjoy the reading of the Apostle, is it good to enjoy the pure melody of the psalm, is it good to interpret the Gospel? They will answer every question: “Okay.” What then? If all this gives me equal pleasure at the same time, does this mean that the human heart is bursting with different wills when discussing what to take on most quickly? They are all good and, however, argue among themselves until one is chosen, on which your integral will, which was previously divided among many desires, will joyfully calm down. And since eternity promises joy in Heaven, and the enjoyment of temporal goods keeps us on earth, then one and the same soul does not desire one or the other with an integral will. That is why it is torn apart in grave sorrow: the truth compels one thing; habit forces one to do something else. 25. So I was tormented and sad, showering myself with reproaches that were worse than usual, floundering and twisting in my bonds in order to completely break them off: they were already weakly holding me. And yet they held on. And You, Lord, did not allow me to rest in the recesses of my heart: in Your stern mercy You scourged me with the double scourge of fear and shame, so that I would not retreat again, so that I would break this thin and weak rope that was still holding on, otherwise it would again gain strength and bind me even more tightly. I said to myself: “Let it be right now, right now,” and with these words I already made a decision, was going to implement it and did not carry it out, but I also did not slip back into the old way: I stopped before reaching the end and took a breath. And again I made an attempt, came a little closer, even closer, was about to reach the goal, grabbed it - and was not closer, and was not at the goal, and did not grab it: I hesitated whether to die death or live life. The bad was firmly rooted in me, but the good was not tenacious. And the closer the moment came when I would become different, the more horror it instilled in me, but I did not step back, did not turn away; I froze in place. 26. I was held back by mere scoundrels and mere vanity—these old friends of mine; they quietly tugged at my fleshy clothing and muttered: “Are you abandoning us? From this moment we will leave you forever! From this moment on, you are forever prohibited from both this and that!” “This and that,” I said; But what did they really offer me, what did they offer, my God! Turn this away from the soul of Your servant with Your mercy! What filth they offered, what a disgrace! But I listened to them with much less than half an ear, and they no longer confidently contradicted me, did not stand in the way, but whispered as if behind my back and secretly pinched the person leaving, forcing him to turn around. And yet they delayed me; I hesitated to break free, shake myself off them and rush to the call; an overbearing habit said to me: “Do you think you can do without them?” 27. Only there was no longer heat in her words, for on that side where I had long ago turned my face - and trembled before the transition - Purity was revealed to me in its chaste dignity, in clear and calm joy; the invitation was honest and affectionate to go and not doubt; the hands stretched out to catch and embrace me are pure; good examples are numerous. There were so many youths and maidens there, so many young people and people of all ages: both pure widows and virgin old women! And there is purity in all of them, and not at all barren: from You, Lord, her husband, she gave birth to so many joys! And she laughed at me, encouraging me with her mockery and as if saying: “You can’t do what these men, these women could? But could they do it with their own strength, and not with God’s? God the Lord handed them over to me. Why do you rely on yourself? There is no support in yourself. Throw yourself towards Him, don’t be afraid: He won’t move away, He won’t let you fall; throw yourself calmly: He will receive you and heal you.” I was burning with shame because I was still listening to the whispers of those idle women, I hesitated and did not dare. And again it’s like a voice: “Be deaf to the voice of your unclean earthly flesh, and it will die. She tells you about pleasures, but not according to the law of the Lord your God" 515. This dispute was going on in my heart: about myself and against myself. Alypius, without leaving my side, silently waited for the end of my unusual excitement 516. 28. Deep reflection brought all my poverty out of the secret abysses and gathered “before the eyes of my heart.” And a terrible storm inside me burst into a shower of tears. In order to fully pour myself out and speak out, I stood up - loneliness, in my opinion, was more suitable for indulging in such crying - and moved away from Alypius; even his presence was a burden to me. I was in such a state then, and he understood it; I think I told him something; I could already hear tears in my voice; I stood up, and he remained in complete stupor where we were sitting. I don’t remember how I fell under some fig tree and gave free rein to tears: they flowed from my eyes in streams - a sacrifice pleasing to You. I did not speak to You in these words, but this was my thought: “Lord, how long? How long, O Lord, is Thy wrath? Do not remember our old sins!” I felt that I was a prisoner of theirs, and I complained and screamed: “Again and again: “tomorrow, tomorrow!” 517 Why not now? Why doesn’t this hour put an end to my abomination?” 29. So I spoke and cried in bitter contrition. And then I hear a voice from a neighboring house, I don’t know if it was a boy or a girl, often repeating in a chant: “Take it, read it! Take it and read it!” My face changed and I began to think hard: don’t children usually sing something similar in some game? I have never heard this before. Suppressing sobs, I stood up, interpreting these words as a divine command to me: open the book and read the first chapter that comes to me 518. I heard about Anthony that he was enlightened by the Gospel verses, which he accidentally stumbled upon: “go, sell all your property, give to the poor and you will receive treasure in Heaven and come, follow Me” 519; These words immediately turned him to You. Excited, I returned to the place where Alypius was sitting; I left there, when I left, the Apostolic Epistles. I grabbed them, opened them and in silence read the first chapter that caught my eye: “not in feasts and drunkenness, not in bedrooms and not in debauchery, not in quarrels and envy: put on the Lord Jesus Christ and do not turn caring for the flesh into lusts” 520. I didn’t want to read further, and I didn’t need to: after this text, my heart was filled with light and peace; the darkness of my doubts disappeared. I marked this place with a finger or some other sign, closed the book and with a calm face explained everything to Alipius. He explained to me in the same way what was happening to him; I didn't know about it. He wanted to see what I had read; I showed it, and he continued reading. I didn’t know the next verse, but it was this: “accept the one who is weak in the faith.” Alypius took it to himself and revealed it to me. Strengthened by such instruction, he, without any worry or hesitation, made a good decision, in accordance with his morals, which for a long time were much better than mine. Here we go to our mother and tell her: she is happy. We tell you how it all happened; she rejoices, triumphs and blesses You, “who is able to do more than we ask and understand” 521. She saw that You gave her more in me than she used to ask for, groaning and shedding bitter tears. You turned me to Yourself: I no longer looked for a wife, I did not hope for anything in this world. I stood strong in the faith in which You showed me to her many years ago: “You turned her sorrow into joy” 522 much greater than what she wanted; more valuable and pure than what she expected from her grandchildren, my children according to the flesh. 1. “Lord, I am Your servant, I am Your servant and the son of Your servant. You have broken my chains; I will give you a sacrifice of praise. May my heart and my tongue praise You; “All my bones will say: Lord, who is like You.” Let them say, and You answer me “and say to my soul: I am your salvation 523.” Who am I and what am I like? What evil was there in my actions? And if not in actions, then in words? And if not in words, then in my will? But You, Lord, gracious and merciful, looked into the abyss of my death and with Your right hand swept away piles of impurities from the very bottom of my heart. And this meant from now on - with all my might not to want what I wanted, and to want what You wanted. But where was it for years and years, from what deep and secret abyss did You call forth my free will in an instant 524 - may I put my neck under Your comfortable yoke and my shoulders under Your light burden, Christ Jesus, “my Helper and my Redeemer”? 525 How sweet it suddenly became for me to be deprived of sweet trifles: before I was afraid to miss them, now I was glad to let them go. You drove them away from me. You, the true and highest Sweetness, drove away and entered their place 526. You, who are sweeter than any pleasure, only not for flesh and blood, brighter than any light, but more hidden than any secret, above all honors - but not for those who exalt themselves. My soul became free from gnawing worries: no need to beg and bow, look for work, wallow in the dirt, scratching the itch of lust. I trembled before You 527, My light, my wealth and salvation, Lord my God. 2. I have decided before Your eyes not to abruptly break with my service, but to quietly move away from this work with my tongue in the bargaining of chatter: let the young men who think not about Your law, not about Your peace, but about lies, madness and fights in the forum, do not buy weapons for their fury from me. By the way, there were very few days left until the grape holidays 528; I decided to endure these days and go on vacation, as usual, but not to return as a corrupt slave: I was ransomed by You. Our decision was revealed to You, but only to our own people. And we agreed not to mention it anywhere, although to us, rising from the “valley of tears” and singing the “song of ascension,” You gave “sharp arrows and coals that burn the evil tongue,” 529 which carefully contradicts what is good and, out of love for you, devours you like familiar food. 3. Thou hast wounded our heart with Thy love, and in it we have kept Thy words that pierced our womb. We collected the images of Your servants - You illuminated their dark ones, You revived the dead - and plunged into meditation on them. Their example burned us, destroyed our petrified insensibility, prevented us from sliding into the abyss, inflamed us so that every breath of contradiction from the “evil tongue” only inflamed our desire, but could not extinguish it. And since Your Name is hallowed throughout the whole earth, there would also be people who would praise our intentions and vows. It seemed to me like bragging not to wait for such a close holiday, but to resign from a public post that was in full view of everyone, as if I wanted, having warned the upcoming holiday, to attract everyone’s attention 530. Everyone would say that I was trying to exalt myself. Why do I need people to judge and judge my soul and “blaspheme our goodness”? 531 4. And then this very summer, from excessive work at school, my lungs began to fail: breathing became difficult; chest pains indicated her illness; the voice became dull and intermittent 532. At first this alarmed me greatly: I had to, out of necessity, lay down the burden of teaching, or, in any case, interrupt my work until, perhaps, I recovered and recovered. When the desire to “be free and see, for You are the Lord” took possession of me and strengthened in its entirety, You know, my God, I was even glad that I had a fair apology that should soften the offense of people who did not want to have mercy on me because of their dear children. Full of such joy, I endured this period of time to the end - it was, it seems, twenty days - they endured with effort: I no longer had the passion with which I usually conducted these difficult studies, and if patience had not replaced it, they would have bent me under their burden. Some of Your servants, my brothers, will say that I sinned by allowing myself to remain at the pulpit of lies for even one hour while my heart was filled with the desire to serve You. I won't argue. But You, All-Merciful Lord, didn’t you forgive me this sin and let it go along with others, terrible and mortal, by washing me with holy water! 5. Verekund was tormented and sad, looking at our happiness: he saw that the ties that tightly bound him would force him to leave our society. Not being a Christian himself, he married a Christian woman, and she turned out to be the tightest blocks that prevented him from following the path that we had embarked on. And he wanted to become a Christian only under one condition that was impossible to fulfill 533. He kindly invited us to stay on his estate as long as we wanted. You will reward him, O Lord, at the hour of recompense of the righteous; You have already given him their share. Although in our absence (we were already in Rome), during a serious illness he became a Christian and moved from this life. You took pity not only on him, but also on us: we will not suffer unbearable pain, thinking that this friend of ours who was exceptionally kind to us was excluded from Your flock. We thank You, our God! We are Yours: Your admonitions and consolations speak of this. Faithful to Your promises, You gave Verekunda for his estate in Kassitsiak, where we rested in You from worldly worries, the beauty of Your ever-green paradise, for you forgave him his earthly sins “on the mountain of milk, on Your mountain, the mountain of abundance” 534. 6. And at that time he was sad. Nebridius rejoiced with us. Although he was not yet a Christian and had once fallen into the ditch of the most destructive delusion (he considered the real body of Your Son to be illusory), 535 he got out of there, and even on his own, not yet involved in the sacraments of Your Church, was already an ardent seeker of truth. Soon after our conversion and rebirth through Your Baptism, You released him from the body; he was already a faithful Christian, he served You in perfect chastity and abstinence among his own in Africa, and through him his entire house became Christian. Now he lives “in the bosom of Abraham.” What is meant by this word “womb”? 536 There lives my Nebridius, my dear friend, the son of a freedman adopted by You 537. He lives there. Could there be another place for such a soul! He lives there, in this place about which he asked so many questions about me, a pathetic ignoramus. Now he bows his ear not to my lips, but his spiritual lips to Thy source, and in happiness that knows no end, drinks as much as he can, according to the measure of his greed from Thy wisdom. I don’t think he’s so intoxicated with her that he’s forgotten me; You remember me, Lord, quenching his thirst. Thus we lived, consoling Verekund, who was saddened by our treatment, but who maintained friendship; we persuaded him to believe, remaining at his level, that is, in married life, and waited for Nebridius to follow us. He was very close to this and was ready to do it, but the vacation days had already expired. They seemed long to me and there were a lot of them; I wanted freedom and leisure to sing You with all my being: “My heart spoke to You, I sought Your face; Your face, O Lord, I will seek." 538 7. And then the day came when I was actually freed from teaching rhetoric, from which I had long been freed in my thoughts. You removed my tongue from where you had removed my heart even earlier, and I blessed You and rejoiced, leaving for the village along with all my 539. I busied myself with some writing there: with these books, indeed, I served You, but they still smacked of the spirit of school arrogance, - this is how runners breathe when they stop to rest 540 - this can be seen both in dialogues with the friends present and in conversations with Himself in front of Your face; also visible in correspondence with the absent Nebridius 541. Do I have enough time to remember all Your great blessings from that time: I am in a hurry to move on to the main thing. The memory brings back to me the me of that time, and it is sweet for me to tell You, Lord, about those secret injections with which You tamed me, about how you brought me down, “lowering the mountains and hills of my thoughts,” “straightening out the crookedness” of me and smoothing out the hillocks 542; as Alypius himself, the brother of my heart, subordinated to the Name of Your Only Begotten Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior, the Name which he previously neglected to insert into our scriptures. He preferred that they smell of school cedars, which “the Lord broke into chips,” rather than church herbs that heal snake bites 543 . 8. How I cried out to You, my God, reading the psalms of David, these Christian hymns that sounded pious and drove out the spirit of pride. A newcomer to Thy true love, a catechumen together with the catechumen Alypius, I rested in a village estate. My mother was with us, combining masculine faith with feminine behavior, and maternal love and Christian piety with the clarity of old age. How I cried out to You in these psalms, what love for You flared up from them, with what desire I burned to read them, if I could, to the whole world, crushing human pride with them! But they are sung all over the world, “and no one can hide from Your fire” 544. With what sharp and acute pain I was indignant at the Manichaeans and again pitied them, because they do not know our mysteries, this medicine, and in their madness they reject the antidote, from which the mind would return 545. I wanted them to be somewhere here, around, and I wouldn’t even know that they were here: let them look at my face and hear my exclamations when I, in my then solitude, read the fourth psalm; let them see what this psalm did to me: “When I cried to You, You heard me, O God of my Truth; in anxiety you gave me peace. Have mercy on me, Lord, and hear my prayer.” Let them listen, but I would not even suspect that they are listening: let them not think that I am saying for their sake what I said between these words. And in fact, I would not have said this, and I would not have said it this way if I had known that they see and hear me, 546 and even if I had said it, they would not have perceived how my soul is poured out with itself before Thy face in filial love. 9 . I trembled with fear and at the same time warmed with hope for Your mercy, Father, and with joy about it. And all this was expressed in my eyes and voice, when Your good Spirit, turning to us, says: “Sons of men, as long as you burden your hearts, why do you love vanity and seek lies?” 547 But I loved vanity and looked for lies. And You, Lord, have already “glorified Your Holy One by raising Him from the dead and placing Him at Your right hand” 548 so that He would fulfill His promise by sending from Heaven “the Comforter, the Spirit of Truth.” 549 He sent Him, but I did not know about it. He sent Him because He was glorified, rose from the dead and ascended into Heaven. Previously “the Holy Spirit was not given, because Jesus was not yet glorified" 550. And the prophet exclaims: "How long do you burden your heart? Why do you love vanity and seek lies? Know that the Lord has glorified His Holy One." He exclaims, "Know," and for so long I did not know, I loved vanity and sought lies. And therefore I listened and trembled: these words were spoken to such people as I myself remembered. reality was vanity and lies. And in the pain of my memories I complained loudly and heavily. Oh, if only those who still love vanity and seek lies would hear me? Perhaps they would have been dismayed, purified, and You would have heard them when they cried out to You, for with a real bodily death “He died for us, and makes intercession for us” 551. 10. I read: “Be indignant and stop sinning” 552. How these words worried me, my God! I have already learned to be indignant at myself for the past, so as not to sin in the future, and I was deservedly indignant, for it was not the alien nature that sinned in me, characteristic of the product of darkness, as those who are not angry with themselves say and “gather anger against themselves on the day of wrath and the revelation of Thy righteous judgment” 553 . My blessings were no longer outside of me, and I was not looking for them with my bodily eyes, not in the rays of this sun. Those who seek to rejoice in externals quickly fade, waste themselves on the visible and transitory 554 and in their starved imagination 555 try to taste non-existent food 556 . Oh, if they were exhausted with hunger and said: “Who will show us good?” Let us say, let them hear: “The light of Your face is sealed in us, O Lord.” We ourselves are not “the Light that enlightens every man,” but we are enlightened by You: we were “once darkness, but now light is in You” 557. Oh, if only they could see this inner and eternal! Having tasted it, I ground my teeth because I could not show it to them. Let them bring me a heart that turns away from You to external things, and say: “Who will show us good?” It is there where I was angry with myself, in the recesses of my heart, where I was wounded; where I killed and sacrificed the old man and began to meditate, hoping in You, about my renewal; there You began to become sweet to me and “gave joy to my heart” 558. So I exclaimed loudly, recognizing what I read in my heart; I did not want, killing time and being killed by time, to be dissipated 559 by the variety of earthly blessings: in Your eternal simplicity 560 there was for me “other wheat, wine and oil.” 11. And in the next verse I cried out loudly with a cry from the depths of my heart: “Oh! in the world! O! in Himself!” 561 what do His words mean: “I will sleep and taste peace?” Who will oppose us when what is written is fulfilled: “Death has been swallowed up in victory?” 562 and You exist and do not change; in You there is peace, forgetting all labors, and there is no one with You but You, and not for the pursuit of much, not for what is not You, “You have established me, a simple one, O Lord, in hope” 563. I read and burned and did not find what to do for the deaf dead 564, to which I myself previously belonged, a plague, a bitter blind man, a dog barking at words honeyed from heavenly honey, bright from Thy light. And I was tormented, thinking about the enemies of this Scripture. 12. When will I remember everything that happened during these holidays? but I have not forgotten and will not remain silent either about the cruelty of Your scourge, or about the wondrous speed of Your mercy. You then tormented me with a toothache, and when it intensified to the point that I could not speak, it fell on my heart to ask all my people who were here to pray for me to the God of all salvation. I wrote it on a board and gave it to them to read. And as soon as we knelt down in prayer, the pain disappeared. But what pain! and how did she disappear? I admit: I was scared. My Lord and my God: I have never experienced anything like this since the beginning of my life. And the recognition of Your power penetrated into the depths of my heart, and joyfully, with faith, I praised Your Name. But this faith did not allow me to calm down about my previous sins, which had not yet been forgiven through Thy Baptism. 13. After the holidays I resigned my place: let the Mediolans look for another word-seller for their schoolchildren; I assigned myself to Your service and was unfit to teach due to difficulty breathing and chest pain. I set out in letters to Your primate, Ambrose, the holy man, my previous errors and my present desire and asked to indicate which of Your Books is most preferable for me to read in order to prepare myself to accept such great grace. He ordered the prophet Isaiah to be read, I think, because he speaks more clearly than others about the Gospel and the calling of the pagans. Not understanding even the first chapter of it and deciding that the whole book was dark, I put off reading it again until I became familiar with the language of Scripture 565. 14. And now the time has come to sign up for Epiphany 566; Leaving the village, we returned to Mediolan. Alypius wanted to be reborn in You with me; he has already put on the humility appropriate to Your sacraments. A courageous master of the body, he dared to do an unusual thing: he walked barefoot across the icy soil of Italy. We also took with us Adeodatus, the son of my flesh and of my sin. He was Your wonderful creation: he was fifteen years old, and he surpassed in intelligence many important and learned men. I confess to You Your gifts, O Lord my God, Creator of everything, who has the power to transform our ugliness: this boy received nothing from me, I only stained him with my misconduct. And that he was brought up in Your teaching, this was instilled in us by You and no one else; I confess Your gifts to You. I have a book entitled “Teacher”; He's the one there talking to me 567. You know that all the thoughts put into the mouth of my interlocutor belong to him, sixteen years old. I discovered many even more amazing things in him. Such talent frightened me. What master, besides You, could do such a miracle? You interrupted his earthly life early, and I am calmer for him: I am not afraid for his adolescence, nor for his youth - I am not afraid for him at all. We took him as a comrade, our peer, by Thy grace, to instruct him in Thy teaching. We were baptized, and anxiety about our former life fled from us. In those days I could not get enough of the wondrous sweetness, contemplating the depth of Your intention to save the human race. How much I cried over Your hymns and songs, passionately moved by the voices that sounded sweetly in Your Church. These sounds poured into my ears, the truth filtered into my heart, I was overwhelmed with awe; tears flowed, and I felt good with them. 15. Not long before this, it had become a custom in the Mediolan Church to console and instruct through singing: the brothers sang zealously and in agreement, with their lips and hearts. For a year or a little more Justina, the mother of the young emperor Valentinian, had been persecuting Thy Ambrose because of the heresy with which the Arians had seduced her 568 . The pious crowd was watching in the church, ready to die, along with their bishop, Your servant. And there my mother, Your servant, the first in anxiety and vigil, lived in prayer. We, not yet warmed by the heat of Your Spirit, were still worried: the city was in confusion and anxiety. Then it was decided to sing hymns and psalms according to the custom of the Eastern Church, so that the people would not be completely exhausted in melancholy and sadness; from then to this day this custom has been observed, and it has been adopted by many, and almost all of Your flocks in the rest of the world. 16. Then the mentioned primate of Yours was revealed in a vision the place where the bodies of the martyrs Protasius and Gervasius were hidden, which You had kept incorruptible for so many years in Your secret treasury, in order to take them from there in a timely manner to curb the fierce but royal woman. Having discovered them and dug them up, they transferred them with due honors to the St. Ambrose Basilica: not only those tormented by unclean spirits were healed (the demons themselves confessed their defeat); One Mediolan, blind for many years and well known throughout the city, began to ask why the people were rejoicing so wildly, and, having learned what was the matter, jumped up and asked his guide to take him there. Brought to the place, he obtained permission to approach and touch the stretcher with a handkerchief, where those about whom it was said “the death of His saints is dear in the sight of the Lord” 569. Then he brought the handkerchief to his eyes, and they immediately opened. Word spread about this. They offered you praises, ardent, shining with joy; Therefore, Your opponent, although she did not adhere to a sound faith, suppressed the fury of persecution in her soul. Thank You, my God. Where and where did You take my memories? so that I confess to You what great events I have forgotten; even when “the aroma of Your incense” was so fragrant, we did not rush to You 570. That is why I cried while singing Your hymns; I sighed for You for a long time and finally breathed in the breath of the wind, as far as it penetrated into the house of grass 571. 17. “You, who allow people of one accord to live together,” 572 introduced Evodius 573, a young man from our municipality, into our society. He served in the secret police, turned to You before us, was baptized and, leaving worldly service, armed himself for Yours. We were together and were going to remain together in our holy decision. We considered which place would be best for us to serve You, and decided to all return to Africa at once. While we were in Ostia on the Tiber, my mother died. I miss a lot because I'm in a hurry. Accept, Lord, my confession and gratitude, albeit silent, for Your countless deeds. But I will not pass by what was born in my soul to this Thy servant, who gave birth to me with a body for this transitory light, and a heart for the eternal. I will talk about Your gifts to her, not about her own qualities. She did not create herself and did not raise herself: You created her, and neither father nor mother knew what she would be like. She was instructed in Thy fear by the rod of Thy Christ, the guidance of Thy One in the faithful family, the members of which were good members of Thy Church. For her diligent upbringing, she did not praise her mother as much as she did a certain elderly servant who carried her father on her back, as older girls usually carry babies. For this, for her old age and pure morals, she was honored by her owners in a Christian home. That is why she was entrusted with the care of the master’s daughters, and she diligently carried it out. Full of holy severity and unforgiving in punishments when they were required, she was reasonable and judicious in her instructions. She, for example, allowed the girls, despite their burning thirst, to drink even water only during a very moderate lunch at the parent’s table. She warned them against this bad habit with a sensible word: “now you drink water because you don’t have control over the wine, but when you become the mistress of the cellars and pantries in your husband’s house, you may become disgusted with the water, but the habit of drinking will remain in force.” Thus, intelligently teaching and commanding powerfully, she curbed the greed of a tender age and even kept the thirst of girls within the boundaries of moderation: let them not be seduced by what is obscene. 18. And, however, unnoticed, a passion for wine crept up to my mother, as Your servant told me, my son. Her parents usually ordered her, as an abstinent girl, to take the wine out of the barrel. Having lowered the vessel there through the upper hole, before pouring this pure wine into the bottle, she took a sip of it with the edge of her lips: she could not do more, since she did not like the wine. And she did this not at all out of a penchant for drunkenness, but from an excess of seething strength, seeking an outlet in fleeting pranks; They are usually suppressed in adolescent souls by deep respect for elders. And so, adding a drop every day to this daily drop - and “he who neglects little gradually falls” 574 - she came to the point where she began to greedily consume almost full cups of undiluted wine. Where was the shrewd old woman and her inexorable prohibitions then? Can anything overcome our secret illness if You, Lord, do not watch over us with Your healing? There is no father, mother or educators, but You are present, Who created us, Who calls us, Who even through... people 575 you do good to save the soul. What did you do then, my God? What treatment did you use? How did you heal? Didn’t You take a rough and sharp swear word from someone else’s lips, like a doctor’s knife taken from Your unknown reserves, and didn’t you cut off everything rotten with one blow? The maid, who usually went with her to buy wine, arguing, as it happens, with the younger mistress face to face, reproached her for this offense and with caustic mockery called her “a bitter drunkard” 576. Stung by this prick, she looked back at her defilement, immediately condemned it and got rid of it. So friends, by flattering, corrupt, and enemies, by scolding, usually correct. You, however, reward them not for what you do through them, but for their intentions. She, angry, did not want to heal the younger mistress, but to piss her off—secretly, either because it was the same with the place and time of the quarrel, or because she herself was afraid of getting into trouble for a late denunciation. But You, Lord, rule over all that is in heaven and on earth, turning back the depths of water for Your purposes and subjugating the violent stream of time. With the madness of one soul you healed another 577. If someone with his word corrected someone whom he wanted to correct, let him, after my story, not attribute this correction to his own strength. 19. Brought up in chastity and abstinence, submitting to her parents rather out of obedience to You than to You out of obedience to her parents, she, having entered marriageable age, was handed over to her husband, served him as a master, and tried to win him for You. Everything about her told him about You, making her beautiful for her husband: he respected her, loved her and was amazed at her. She calmly endured his betrayals; She and her husband never had any quarrels about this. She expected that You would have mercy on him, and, having believed in You, he would become chaste. And besides, he was a man of extreme kindness and furious anger. And she knew that there was no need to contradict her angry husband, not only in deed, but even in word. When she saw that he had calmed down and calmed down, she explained to him her action; It happened that he fumed to no avail. Many women, whose husbands were much more courteous, had their faces disfigured by bruises from slaps; in a friendly conversation they blamed their husbands, and she blamed their tongue; as if she was jokingly giving them serious advice: from the moment they heard the marriage contract 578 read, they should consider it a document that turned them into maids; Mindful of their position, they should not be arrogant before their masters. Knowing what a cruel husband she had to live with, they were surprised: it had never been heard or seen that the Patrician would beat his wife or that they would quarrel and quarrel even for one day. They asked her in a friendly manner what the reason was; she taught them her custom, which I mentioned above. Those who adopted it thanked them, those who did not assimilate it suffered reproach. 20. The whispers of the bad maids at first turned her mother-in-law against her, but my mother, with her helpfulness, constant patience and meekness, won such a victory over her that she herself complained to her son about the gossip of the maids who were disturbing the peace in the house between her and her daughter-in-law, and demanded punishment for them. After he, listening to his mother, caring for order among the slaves and the harmony in the family, flogged those given out at the discretion of the issuer, she threatened that everyone should expect the same reward from her if, thinking of pleasing, she begins to slander her daughter-in-law. No one dared anymore, and they lived in memorable sweet friendliness 579. 21. “Lord, have mercy on me!” 580 You have sent this good servant of Yours, in whose womb you created me, another great gift. Wherever they did not get along with each other and quarreled, she appeared - wherever she could - as a pacifier. She listened to mutual, numerous and bitter reproaches from both sides, the kind that a soul usually spews out when swollen and agitated by a quarrel. And when the present friend poured out all the acid of undigested anger at the absent enemy, my mother told each only what would contribute to the reconciliation of both. I would consider this good quality insignificant if I did not know, from bitter experience, that countless people (there is some terrible, widespread sinful infection at work here) not only convey to their angry enemies the words of their angry enemies, but also add to them what was not said. But a human being should not only excite and inflame human enmity with evil words, but, on the contrary, strive to quench it with kind words. This was my mother; You taught her in the secret school of her heart. 22. And so, finally, she acquired her husband for You in his last days; from him, a Christian, she no longer cried over what she suffered from him, a non-Christian. She was a servant of Your servants. Those of them who knew her praised, honored and loved You in her, for they felt Your presence in her heart: her holy life testified to it. She “was the wife of one husband, gave back to her parents, ran her house piously, and was zealous for good deeds” 581. She raised her sons, suffering, as during childbirth, every time she saw that they were straying from Your path. And finally - You allow, by Your mercy, to be called Your servants - she cared for all of us who lived before her death in a friendly union and received the grace of Your Baptism as if we were all her children, and served us as if we were her parents. 23. The day of her departure from this life is already approaching; You knew this day, we did not know about it. It happened—I think through Your secret care—that she and I were left alone; leaning on the windowsill, we looked out the window at the inner garden of the house where we lived in Ostia. Tired from the long journey, finally alone, we gained strength for swimming. We talked sweetly together 582 and, “forgetting the past, rushed to what is in front of us” 583, asked each other, in the face of the Truth, - and this is You, - what is the future eternal life of the saints, - “eye has not seen, ear has not heard, and it has not entered the heart of man” 584 - but with the lips of the heart we longed to touch the streams of Your Heavenly source, “The source of life that is with You” 585 so that, sprinkled with its water, to the extent of our comprehension, we could somehow embrace its greatness in thought. 24. When in our conversation we came to the conclusion that any pleasure delivered by the bodily senses, illuminated by any earthly light, is not worthy not only of comparison with the joys of that life, but even of mention next to them, then, ascending to Him Himself with a heart that was increasingly inflamed, we went through all of His creations one after another and reached the very sky, from where the sun, moon and stars shine on the earth. And, having entered into ourselves, thinking and speaking about Your creations and marveling at them, we came to our soul and left it 586 to reach the land of inexhaustible fullness, where You eternally feed Israel with the food of truth, 587 where life is that wisdom through which everything that is, that was and that will be came into being. It itself does not arise, but remains as it is, as it was and as it will always be. Or rather: for her there is no “was” and “will be,” but only one “is,” for she is eternal, and eternity does not know “was” and “will be.” And while we talked about her and longed for her, we slightly touched her with all the trembling of our hearts. And they sighed 588 and left there the “fruits of the spirit” 589 and returned to the creak of our language, to words appearing and disappearing. What is like Your Word, our Lord, abiding in Himself, not aging and renewing everything! 25. We said: “if the excitement of the flesh falls silent in someone, the ideas about earth, water and air fall silent, the sky also falls silent, the soul itself becomes silent and goes out of itself, not thinking about itself, 590 dreams and imaginary revelations, every language, every sign and everything that passes and arises, if there is complete silence - (if you listen, then they all say: “we did not create ourselves; we were created by the One who abides forever”) - if, having said this, they become silent, turning their ears to the One who created them, and He Himself speaks, alone - not through them, but directly from Himself, so that we hear His word, not from carnal lips, not in the voice of an angel, not in the roar of a storm, not in riddles and likenesses, but Himself, Whom we love in His creatures; let us hear Him Himself - without them - as now, when we came out of ourselves 591 and with a quick thought touched the Eternal Wisdom that abides over everything; if such a state could continue, and all the lower images disappear, and she alone would delight, absorb and plunge into the deep joy of her contemplator - if eternal life is such as was this moment of comprehension about which we sighed, then is this not what it is said about: “Enter into the joy of Your master” 592? when will this be? Is it not when “we will all rise again, but not all of us will change”? 593 26. I said this, if not in this way and not in these words, then You know, Lord, that on that day when we talked, this world with all its pleasures seemed insignificant to us, and my mother said to me: “Son! As for me, in this life I no longer enjoy everything. I don’t know what else I should do here and why I should be here; I am finished with worldly hopes here. There was only one reason why I wanted to linger in this life: before I die, to see you as an Orthodox Christian. The Lord has bestowed upon me more fully: He has allowed me to see you as His servant, who has despised earthly happiness. What should I do here? 27. I don’t remember what I answered her, but less than five days or a little more passed before she fell ill with a fever. During her illness, one day she fainted and lost consciousness for a short time. We ran, but she soon came to her senses, saw me and my brother standing right there, and said, as if looking for something: “Where was I?” Then, seeing our deep sorrow, she said: “You bury your mother here.” I was silent, holding back tears. My brother said something, wishing her a less bitter end; It would be better for her to die not in a foreign land, but in her homeland. Hearing this, she became alarmed by his thoughts, fixed a dissatisfied look on him and, turning her eyes to me, said: “Look what he says!”, and then turned to both: “Put this body where you have to; don't worry about him; I ask one thing: remember me at the altar of the Lord, wherever you find yourself.” Having expressed this thought in whatever words she could, she fell silent, suffering from an increasing illness. 28. But I, thinking about Your gifts, Invisible God, which You place in the hearts of Your faithful - they give a wondrous harvest - rejoiced and thanked You: I knew and remembered how worried and worried she was about her burial, she had foreseen everything and prepared a place next to her husband’s grave. Since they lived very harmoniously, she wanted (it is difficult for the human soul to renounce earthly things) to add to such happiness: let people remember: “this is how it happened to her: she returned from an overseas trip and now the ashes of both spouses are covered with one ashes.” I did not know when, by Your perfect goodness, this empty desire began to disappear in her heart. I was happy and surprised to see my mother like this, although, it’s true, even in that conversation at the window when she said: “What should I do here?”, it was not clear that she wanted to die in her homeland. Later I heard that when we were in Ostia, she once trustingly, like a mother, talked with my friends about contempt for this life and about the blessings of death. I was not present during this conversation, but they were amazed at the woman’s courage (You gave it to her) and asked if she was really not afraid to leave her body so far from her hometown. “Nothing is far from God,” she answered, “and there is no need to fear that at the end of the world He will not remember where to resurrect me.” So, on the ninth day of his illness, in the fifty-sixth year of his life and in the thirty-third of mine, this believing and pious soul was separated from the body. 29. I closed her eyes, and great sadness poured into my heart and wanted to pour out in tears. By the powerful command of my soul, I forced my eyes to absorb this source and remain completely dry. And I felt very bad in this struggle. When the mother gave up the ghost, Adeodate, the child, began to sob pitifully, but we all silenced him. And in the same way, something childish in me, which sought to pour itself out in sobs with this young voice, the voice of the heart, was restrained and silent. We believed that it was not appropriate to celebrate this death with tearful complaints and lamentations: after all, they usually mourn the bitter fate of the dead and, as it were, their complete disappearance. But for her, death was not bitter, and in general for her there was no death 594. Her morals and “unhypocritical faith” 595 indisputably testified to this. 30. What was hurting so badly inside me? A fresh wound because the usual, so sweet and sweet, life together suddenly ended? It was gratifying to me to remember that in this last illness, affectionately thanking me for my services, she called me a kind son and recalled with great love that she had never heard me say a rude or insulting word to her. But, my God, our Creator, is it possible to compare my respect for her with her service to me? I lost my great comforter in her, my soul was wounded, and it was as if my life, which had become one, was torn apart; her life and mine merged into one. 31. We kept the boy from crying; Evodius took the psalter and sang a psalm, which we took up with the whole house: “I will sing to You of Your mercy and righteousness, O Lord” 596; Hearing what was happening, many brothers and believing women came together. Those whose responsibility it was began to dress the body according to custom; I, on the side, where I could do it decently, reasoned with people who decided not to leave me about what was appropriate for this hour, and with the medicine of truth I tried to soften my torments, known to You, unknown to them, to my attentive listeners, who thought that I did not feel any pain. I, in Your ears - none of them heard me - shouted at myself for my weakness, put a dam on the flow of my sorrow, and it seemed to obey me, and then carried me with all its strength, although I did not allow the tears to break through or the expression of my face to change; but I knew what I was suppressing in my heart. And since I was greatly oppressed that I was so shocked by death, which in due course and according to human fate inevitably comes, then I suffered from another pain in my pain, languishing with double sadness. 32. The body was carried out, we went and returned without tears. During the prayers that we poured out to You, when the Redemptive Sacrifice was offered for her, and, according to the custom of those places, the body lay next to him before being placed in the coffin, even with these prayers I did not cry. All day long I secretly grieved and in spiritual turmoil, as best I could, I asked You to heal my pain. You didn’t do this, I think, so that at least this one example would impress upon my memory how strong the chains of habit are, even for a soul that no longer feeds on lies. It came to my head to go wash myself (I heard that the baths - in Greek they are called “βαλανειον” - were given this name because they expel melancholy from the soul 597). I also confess this to You, Father of the orphans: I washed myself and remained in the same condition as before washing. The bitterness of sorrow has not evaporated from my heart. Then I fell asleep, woke up; I found that my pain was significantly softened: I was alone on my bed and remembered the truthful words of Your Ambrose, for You Creator of all things, O Lord, He'll get back to work. 33. And then the old feeling gradually returned: I remembered Your servant, her piety, her holy tenderness and condescension, which I had suddenly lost, and I wanted to cry “in front of Your face” about her and for her, about myself and for myself. I gave vent to the tears I had been holding back: let them flow as much as they want. As if on a soft bed my heart calmed down in them, for Your ears listened to my cry, it was not heard by a person who could interpret it disdainfully. And now, Lord, I am writing this confession to You. Let him read whoever he wants, and interpret as he wants, and if he finds that I sinned by weeping for a short hour over my mother, over a mother who temporarily died in my eyes and wept over me for many years so that I might live in Thy sight, let him laugh at me, but if there is great love in him, let him weep for my sins before You, the Father of all brothers in Thy Christ. 34. When my heart was healed from this wound (about it one can expose carnal weaknesses), I began to shed completely different tears before You, our God, for this Thy servant; those that flow when the soul is shocked by the contemplation of the ordeals awaiting every soul dying in Adam. And although, having come to life in Christ, she, not yet separated from the body, lived in such a way that Your Name was glorified in her faith and morals, I still do not dare to say that from the time You revived her through Baptism, not a single word came out of her mouth that was contrary to Your commandments. But it is said by the Truth itself, Your Son: “If anyone says to his brother: “You are a fool,” then he is subject to fiery hell,” 598 and the misery of human life, even praiseworthy, if, having rejected mercy, You disassemble it in the smallest parts. Only because You do not cruelly investigate our crimes, we trustingly hope for some place with You. What does he who enumerates his real merits list to You, if not Your gifts? Oh, if people understood that they are only people, “and whoever boasts, let him boast in the Lord” 599. 35. So, “my praise and my life,” “God of my heart,” forgetting for a short time about her good deeds, for which I give thanks to You in joy, now I beg You for the sins of my mother: hear me in the Name of Him who healed our wounds, Who hung on the tree and sits at Your right hand, “to make intercession for us” 600. I know that she was merciful and from the heart forgave “the debts of her debtors” 601, forgive her her sins, if she sinned in anything for so many years after Baptism. Forgive her, Lord, I pray You, forgive her, “don’t go into court with her”; “mercy rises above judgment” 602; Your words are true, and You have promised mercy to the merciful. And to be like this is Your gift; “And You will have mercy on whom You have mercy, and You will have compassion on whom You have compassion” 603. 36. I think You have already done what I ask of You, but “Approve, O Lord, the voluntary sacrifice of my lips” 604. Just before the day of her permission, she was not thinking about a magnificent funeral, did not ask to be buried in incense or have a special monument erected, and did not care about burial in her homeland. She did not leave us such instructions, but only wanted remembrance at Your altar, which she served without missing a single day, for she knew that there the Holy Sacrifice was served, by which “the handwriting that was against us was destroyed” 605 and victory was won over the enemy. He counts our misdeeds; He is looking for something to blame, and finds nothing in the One in whom we have overcome. Who will return innocent blood to Him? Who will pay the price He bought us with to take us away from the enemy? The soul of Your servant was attached by faith to this Redemptive Sacrament. May no one tear her away from under Your protection. Let no lion or snake sneak in by force or cunning: she will not say that she owes them nothing, fearing that the crafty accuser will catch her and seize her, but she will answer that her sins have been forgiven by Him to whom no one will repay for what He gave to us without being indebted to us. 37. May she be in peace with her husband, before whom and after whom she was not married to anyone, whom she served “bearing fruit with patience” 606 in order to gain it for You. And inspire, O Lord my God, inspire Your servants, my brothers, Your sons, my masters, whom I serve with word, heart and letter, that every time they read this, they remember at Your altar Monica, Your servant, together with Patricius, once her husband, through whose flesh You brought me into this life, but how, I do not know. Let them lovingly remember them, my parents, in this transitory world, and my brothers in You 607, Father of those who are in the Orthodox Church, my fellow citizens in Eternal Jerusalem, about whom Your people sigh in their journey, from its beginning to its end. And may her last request to me be more fully fulfilled by the prayers of many - through my confession, and not just through my prayers alone. 1. “May I know You - may You know me - may I know You as You know me” 608. The strength of my soul, dwell in it, harmonize with yourself, so that it will remain Your property “without spot or wrinkle” 609. This is my hope, that’s why I’m talking about this 610 and I rejoice in this hope 611 if I rejoice with healthy joy. The remaining blessings of life cost less tears the more people cry about them, and cost more tears the less they cry about them. “But you loved righteousness” 612, and he who “does righteousness comes to the light” 613. I want to do the truth in my heart before Your face in confession, and in my writing in the face of many witnesses. 2. What could hide in me from You, Lord, if I did not want to confess to You, “to whose eyes the abyss of human conscience is laid bare”? 614 You would hide from me, not I from You. And now, when my groans testify that I have become displeasing to myself, You, my light and delight, You allow me to love You and yearn for You: let me blush with shame and throw myself away, let me choose You and only through Your goodness will I become pleasing to You and myself. Whatever I may be, I am all before You, Lord. And I said what fruit I expect from my confession to You, brought not by the voice of the flesh and its words, but by the words of the soul and the cry of reflection, which Your ear heard. When I am bad, then here is my whole confession to You: I am displeasing to myself; when I am good, then this is my whole confession to You: I do not attribute this to myself, for You, Lord, “bless the righteous,” but even before him, the sinner, You make him righteous. My confession takes place before Your face, O my God, silently and unceasingly. My tongue is silent and my heart cries out. There is not a single true word that I would say to people that You would not have heard from me before, and You do not hear anything true from me that You would not have told me before. 3. What do I care about people and why should they hear my confession, as if they themselves will heal my ailments? 615 This breed is zealous to find out about other people's lives and is lazy to correct its own. Why do they seek to hear from me what I am like, those who do not want to hear from You what they are like? And how will those who hear from me about myself know whether I am speaking the truth, when no man knows what “works in man except the Spirit of man which dwells in him”? 616 If they hear about themselves from You, they will not be able to say: “The Lord lies.” But to hear from You about yourself does not mean to know yourself? But wouldn’t he be lying if he recognized himself and said, “This is not true”? But since “love believes everything,” 617, at least among those whom it has bound together, then I, Lord, confess to You so that people to whom I cannot prove whether my confession is true can hear; I am, however, believed by those whose ears love has opened to me. 4. Explain 618 to me, Healer of my soul, why I am doing this. Confession of my past sins (You forgave and covered them so that I could be happy 619 in You; You changed my soul through faith and sacrament), this confession awakens those who read and listen to it; she does not allow the heart to freeze in despair and say, “I can’t”; makes you stay awake, relying on Your mercy and Your grace, by which every weak person is strong, realizing through it his weakness. Good people listen with pleasure about the troubles experienced by others, and they rejoice not in the troubles, but in the fact that they existed and are now gone. What is the benefit, O Lord, to Whom does my conscience confess daily, hoping more for Thy mercy than for my innocence? What benefit, I ask, is it for me to confess in these writings before Thy face also to people, telling what I am now, and not what I was before. I saw the benefit of confession in the past and spoke about it. Many, however, who know me and who don’t know me, but have heard something from me or about me, want to know what I am like now, at this very time when I am writing my confession. With their ears they cannot reach my heart, where I am as I am. That’s why they want to hear my confession about the inner things, inaccessible to their eyes, ears, or minds; they want to believe me, otherwise how will they recognize me? Love, which makes them good people, tells them that I will not lie in my confession, and in them it itself believes me. 5. But for what good do they want this? Do they want to congratulate me, having heard how close I have come to You in Your goodness, and to pray for me, having heard how much I have hesitated under my burden? I will show myself to such people. There is no small benefit in this, O Lord my God, that “many will give thanks to You for us” 620, and many will ask You for us. May the brotherly soul in me love what You teach me to love, and grieve for what You teach me to grieve for. Let a brotherly soul feel this, not a stranger, not “the soul of the sons of strangers, whose mouth speaks lies, whose right hand is the right hand of unrighteousness” 621, but the soul of a brother who, approving me, rejoices for me, and condemning me, grieves for me, for whether he approves of me or condemns me, he loves me. I will show myself to such people: let them rejoice over the good in me, and lament over the evil. The good in me was arranged by You, it is Your gift; the evil in me comes from my misdeeds, condemned by You. Let them look at one with joy, and at the other with contrition, let hymns and sobs rise from brotherly hearts, like from censers, before Your face. But You, Lord, enjoying the aroma of Your holy church, “have mercy on me according to Your great mercy for the sake of Your Name” 622, and since You never abandon Your undertakings, then completely destroy my imperfection. 6. This is the benefit of my confession, not in the story of what I was, but what I am now: may I confess this not only before You in secret “rejoicing and trembling” 623, in secret sorrow and hope, but also before the believing sons of men; they share in my joy and share my mortal share; They are my fellow citizens and companions on my earthly journey, no matter whether they preceded me, follow me, or accompany me in my life. These are Your servants, my brothers, whom You wanted to make Your sons and my masters, whom You ordered me to serve if I want to live with You and about You. If Your Son had taught only with words, this would not have been enough, but He showed the way by His deeds. And I walk along it, acting in word and deed, acting “under the shelter of Your wings” 624, and I would be in great danger if my soul had not taken refuge under Your wings and if You had not known my weakness. I am a little child, but my Father lives forever and my Guardian is reliable; he gave birth to me and keeps me. All my blessings are in You, You are omnipotent, You have always been with me, you were even before I came to You. And I will tell those people whom I serve according to Your commandment, not about what I was, but what I am already and what I still am. But “I do not judge myself” 625: let them, keeping this in mind, listen to me. 7. You, Lord, judge me, for “no man knows what is in a man except the spirit of man that dwells in him.” There is, however, something in man that the human spirit itself, living in man, does not know, but you, Lord, who created him, know everything that is in him. And although I am insignificant before Your face and consider myself “dust and ashes,” I know something about You that I do not know about myself. We see, of course, “now in the mirror something mysterious”, and not “face to face” 626, and therefore, while I wander away from You, I am closer to myself than to You, but, however, I know that violence cannot be committed against You, and what temptations I can resist and what not - I do not know. There is only hope that “You are faithful” and therefore will not allow yourself to “be tempted beyond your strength”; “so that we may be able to endure” 627. You, while tempting, at the same time show the way out of temptation. So, I confess what I know about myself; I also confess what I don’t know about myself, for what I know about myself, I know, illuminated by Your light, and what I don’t know about myself, I will not know until “my darkness” becomes “like noon” 628 before Your face. 8. I clearly recognize, Lord, that I love You: there is no doubt about it. You struck my heart with Your word, and I loved You; and heaven and earth and everything that is on them - here they are telling me from all sides that I should love You, and they do not stop repeating this to all people, “so that they may be unrequited” 629. You will more deeply “have compassion on the one you have compassion on, and show mercy to the one you have mercy on” 630 - otherwise both heaven and earth would proclaim Your praises to the deaf. What, loving You, do I love? Not physical beauty, not temporary beauty, not the radiance of this light, so sweet to the eye, not the sweet melodies of all kinds of songs, not the fragrance of flowers, ointments and incense, not manna and honey, not limbs pleasant to earthly embraces - this is not what I love, loving my God. And yet, I love a certain light and a certain voice, a certain aroma and a certain food, and a certain embrace - when I love my God; this is light, voice, aroma, food, the embrace of my inner person - where my soul shines with light, which is not limited by space, where a voice sounds, which time will not silence, where an aroma is diffused, which will not be scattered by the wind, where food does not lose its taste when full, where the embrace does not open from satiety. This is what I love, loving my God. 9 . What is this God? I asked the earth and she said, “It’s not me”; and everything living on it confessed the same 631. I asked the sea, the abyss and the reptiles that live there, and they answered: “We are not your god; look above us." I asked the blowing winds, and the entire airspace spoke with its inhabitants; “Anaximenes is mistaken: I am not a god” 632. I asked the sky, the sun, the moon and the stars: “we are not the god you are looking for,” they said. And I said to everything that surrounds the doors of my flesh: “Tell me about my God - you are not God - tell me something about Him.” And they cried out with a loud voice: “Our Creator, this is who He is.” My contemplation was my question; their answer is their beauty. Then I turned to myself and said: “Who are you?” And he answered: “man.” Here I have body and soul, ready to serve me; one is in the outside world, the other is inside me. Which of them should I ask about my God, about whom I have already asked with my external senses, starting from the earth and up to heaven itself, wherever I could send the rays of my eyes for news? Better, of course, is what's inside me. All bodily messengers announced to my soul, the judge and the chairman, about the answers of heaven, earth and everything that was on them; they said: “We are not gods; Our Creator, here He is.” The inner man was told about this by an outer man in his service; I, the inner one, learned about this - I, I am the soul, through my bodily feelings. I asked the whole universe about my God, and she answered me: “I am not God; Our Creator, that’s who He is.” 10. Is it really not possible for everyone whose external senses are healthy to see this beauty? Why doesn’t she tell everyone the same thing? Animals, both tiny and huge, see it, but cannot question it: they do not have a judge—a discussing reason—over their feelings—the messengers. People may ask that “the invisible things of God through creation may be understood and seen” 633 . Having become attached, however, to the created world, they submit to it, and having submitted, they can no longer reason. The created world answers questions only to those who reason: it does not change its voice, that is, its beauty, and does not appear in different guise to the one who only sees it, and to the one who sees and asks; appearing, however, in the same form to both, he is mute in front of one and speaks to the other; or rather, he speaks to everyone, but this voice of the external world is understood only by those who, having heard it, compare it with the truth living in them 634. This truth tells me: “Your God is not heaven, not earth, or any body.” Their nature tells the seer this; it appears as a block smaller in part than in the whole 635. And you, soul, I say this to you, you are better, for you animate the lump of the body in which you live, and impart life to it: no body can give this to a body. But your God is even greater to you: He is the Life of your life. 11. So, what do I love when I love God? Who is He who dwells above the heights of my soul? With this soul of mine I will rise to Him. I miss the power that connects me to the body and fills its composition with life. It is not this power that will help me find my God, otherwise even a horse and a mule, which have no reason, would find Him, but there is this very power that animates their bodies. There is another force with which I animate not only my flesh, but also impart sensitivity to it. The Lord created it, commanding the eye not to hear, but to see, and the ear not to see, but to hear, assigning each sense separately its place and its responsibilities: I do different things with their help, remaining united, I am the mind. I miss this power of mine too; and the horse and the mule have it: and their body has external senses. 12. So, I also miss this power in my nature; gradually ascending to the One who created me, I come to the plains and vast palaces of memory, where there are treasuries where countless images of everything that has been perceived are brought. All our thoughts are also there, exaggerating, minimizing and, in general, somehow changing what our external senses reported. Everything that has not yet been absorbed and buried by oblivion has been transferred and hidden there. While there, I demand to be shown what I want; one appears immediately, another has to be looked for longer, as if digging out from some hiding place; something bursts out in a whole crowd, and instead of what you are looking for and asking for, it jumps forward, as if saying: “maybe it’s us?” I mentally drive them away, and finally what I need becomes clear 636 and emerges from its hidden hiding places. Some things arise easily and pass in the harmonious order that was required: the one in front gives way to the one behind and, having given way, disappears to appear again when I wish. This is exactly what happens when I talk about something from memory. 13. There, separately and by type, everything that the external senses contributed is preserved, each in its own way: the eyes reported about light, all the colors and shapes of bodies, the ears reported about all kinds of sounds; about all smells - nostrils; about all tastes - the mouth; the whole body, due to its general sensitivity, is aware of what is hard or soft, what is hot or cold, smooth or rough, heavy or light, located outside or in the body itself. Memory accepts all this for subsequent, if necessary, processing and reflection, into its vast storerooms and into some other secluded, indescribable nooks and crannies: everything has its own entrance, and everything is put together there. What enters, however, is not the sensory objects themselves, but their images, which immediately appear before the mental gaze of the one who remembers them. Who can say how they were formed, although it is clear by what feeling they are captured and hidden inside? I may live in darkness and silence, but if I want, I can recall colors in my memory, distinguish white from black, and any colors from one another. There are also sounds, but they do not intrude and do not introduce confusion into the visual images I contemplate: they seem to be hidden and put aside. I can, if I wish, demand them too, and they are right there: my tongue is at rest, my throat is silent, and I sing as much as I want, and visual images, which, however, have not gone anywhere, do not interfere and do not disturb anything, while I sort through another treasury collected by hearing. In the same way, when I want, I remember what was brought in and collected by my other senses; I distinguish, without smelling anything, the smell of lilies from the smell of violets 637; I prefer honey to grape juice, and soft to hard, without tasting or feeling anything, but only remembering. 14. All this happens in me, in the huge chambers of my memory. There I have at my disposal the sky, the earth, the sea and everything that I could perceive with my senses - everything except what I had forgotten. There I meet myself and remember what I did, when, where and what I felt at the time I did it. There is everything that I remember that has been tested by my own experience and taken on faith from others. Using this same wealth, I create, in similarity with what has been verified by my experience, and with what I believed on the basis of other people’s experience, now one or the other; I weave them into the past; from them we weave the fabric of the future: actions, events, hopes - I think about all this again and again as the present. “I will do such and such,” I say to myself in my mind, this huge container full of so many great images, - this is followed by the conclusion: “Oh, if only such and such would happen!” “May the Lord turn away such and such,” I say to myself, and when I speak, images of everything I am talking about immediately appear before me, drawn from the same treasury of memory. If they weren't there, I couldn't say anything at all 638 . 15. Great is it, this power of memory, Lord, too great! This is a sanctuary of infinite magnitude. Who explores its depths! And yet, this is the power of my mind, it is inherent in my nature, but I myself cannot fully contain myself. The mind is too small to master itself. Where is what is his that he does not contain? Is it really outside of him, and not in himself? How can he not accommodate this? All this evokes great amazement in me, numbness covers me. And people go to marvel at the mountain heights, sea walls, river expanses, the ocean that embraces the earth, the rotation of the stars - but they leave themselves aside! They are not surprised that, speaking about all this, I do not see it in front of me, but I could not talk about it if I did not see in myself, in my memory, mountains, and waves, and rivers, and stars (I saw this in reality), and the ocean, which I heard about, in all their enormity, as if I see them in reality in front of me. And yet, it was not them that I devoured, looking at them with my own eyes; not they themselves are in me, but only their images, and I know what and with what bodily feeling is imprinted on me. 16. Not only this contains a huge receptacle of my memory. There is all the information obtained from the study of the liberal sciences, and not yet forgotten; they seem to be shoved somewhere inside, in some place that is not a place: I carry within me not their images, but the objects themselves. All my knowledge about grammar, about dialectics, about different types of questions live in my memory, and it is not the image of the object that remains outside of me that is retained by it, but the object itself 639 . It did not fade away and did not disappear, like a voice that left its trace in the ears and seemed to sound again, although it did not sound; like a smell that, rushing and melting in the air, affects the sense of smell and transmits its image to memory, which we restore in memory; like food, which, of course, loses its taste in the stomach, but remains tasty in the memory; as in general something that is felt by touch and that appears to memory, even being far from us. It is not these very phenomena that memory admits to itself, but only with amazing speed it takes possession of their images, puts them in amazing closets, and memory takes them out in an amazing way. 17. In fact, when I hear that questions are of three types: does such and such an object exist? what is he? what are its qualities? 640 then I receive images of the sounds from which these words are composed, and I know that these sounds will rustle in the air and disappear. The thoughts that these sounds signify, I could not perceive with any of my bodily senses and could not see anywhere except in my mind; in my memory I hid not the images of these thoughts, but the thoughts themselves 641. Where did they enter me from? Let him explain who can. I go through all the doors of my flesh and do not find through which they could penetrate. The eyes say: “If they have color, then we announced them.” The ears say: “if they sound, then we reported them.” The nostrils say: “if they smell, then they passed through us.” The sense of taste says: “if they have no taste, then there is no need to ask me.” Touch says: “if they are incorporeal, then they cannot be felt, and if they cannot be felt, then I cannot report on them.” Where did they come from and in what way did they enter my memory? Don't know. I assimilated this information, not trusting someone else’s mind, but, having checked it with my own, I recognized it as correct and gave it to him, as it were, for safekeeping, to be taken at will. They, therefore, were there before I assimilated them, but they were not in my memory. Where were they and why, when they started talking to me about them, did I recognize them and say: “This is so, this is correct”? The only explanation: they were already in my memory 642, but they seemed to be hidden and stuffed in its most remote caves, so that, perhaps, I would not have been able to think about them if someone had not prompted me to dig them up. 18. So, we find the following: to get acquainted with what we learn about not through images delivered by the senses, but without images, through internal contemplation, presenting to us what is contemplated in its true form, means nothing more than to think and, as it were, collect what the memory contained scattered and in disorder, and carefully arrange what is hidden in it, but abandoned and scattered, arrange it so that it is in the memory itself, as if at hand and easily appears with ordinary mental effort. How much does my memory store that is already known and, as I said, lying at hand, about which it is said: “we have studied it and know it.” If I stop going over this information in my memory for a short period of time, it will again go deeper and seem to slide into secluded hiding places. They will again have to be mentally extracted from there as something new - they are not found anywhere else - in order to get to know them, to bring them together again, that is, to collect them as something that had scattered 643. Hence the word cogitare. Cogo and cogito are in the same relationship with each other as ago and agito, facio and factito 644. The mind has mastered such a verb as if it actually belonged to it, because not somewhere, but precisely in the mind, the process of collecting, i.e., bringing together, takes place, and this is called in the proper sense “thinking through.” 19. The memory also contains countless relationships and laws concerning numbers and spatial quantities; no bodily sense could communicate them to us, for they have no color, no smell, no taste, do not make sounds and cannot be felt. I hear the sound of the words that denote them when I discuss them, but these words are one thing, and the subject of the discussion is completely different. Words sound differently in Greek and differently in Latin, but the very object exists independently of Greek, Latin and any other language. I have seen lines drawn by the hand of masters 645 , sometimes so thin that they looked like a spider's web, but the lines in my memory are something else, they are not images of those that my bodily vision told me about; you know them without connecting them in your thoughts with any body, and you recognize them by withdrawing into yourself. I learned with the help of all my bodily senses the numbers that we name when counting objects; but the numbers with which we count are something completely different; they are not images of the former and therefore really exist 646. Let the one who does not see this laugh at my words, and I will pity him for this laughter. 20. I keep all this in my memory, and how I learned it, I keep in my memory. I have heard many erroneous objections to this and keep them in my memory, and although they are erroneous, the fact that I remember them is not mistaken. I drew the line between what is right and what is wrong and what is contrary to what is right. And I remember this, but now I see that drawing this line is one thing, but remembering that I often drew it, often thinking about it, is another. So, on the one hand, I remember that these considerations often came to my mind, on the other hand, what I now distinguish and understand, I put together in my memory, so that later I can remember that today I understood it. And I remember that I remembered, and if later I remember that I could remember it today, then I will remember it, of course, using the power of my memory. 21. And my mental states are stored by the same memory, only not in the form in which the soul once experienced them, but in another, completely different and corresponding to the power of memory. I remember, without rejoicing now, that I once rejoiced; I bring to mind past sadness, without being sad now; without feeling fear, I imagine how I once was afraid, and dispassionately remember my former passion. It also happens the other way around: I remember former sadness with joy, and joy with sadness. There would be nothing to be surprised if we were talking about the body, but the soul is one thing, and the body is another. If I cheerfully remember past bodily pain, it is not so surprising. But memory is the soul, the mind; when we give any instruction that should be kept in mind, we say: “See, keep this in mind”; having forgotten, we say: “it wasn’t in our minds”; “out of your mind” - we, therefore, call memory the soul, the mind, and if this is so, then what is it? When, rejoicing, I remember my past sadness, joy lives in my soul, and sadness in my memory: the soul rejoices because there is joy in it, but the memory, because there is sadness in it, is not saddened. Or does memory have nothing to do with the soul? Who would dare say that! No, memory is like the stomach of the soul, and joy and sadness are food, sweet and bitter: entrusted to memory, they are, as it were, transported to the stomach, where they can lie, but cannot retain the taste. This comparison may seem funny, but there are some similarities here 647. 22. And so from my memory I extract information about four feelings that excite the soul: passion, joy, fear and sadness 648. All my reasoning about them, dividing each into species corresponding to its genus, and defining them - everything that can be said about this, I find in my memory and extract from there, and none of these exciting feelings when remembering it will bother me. Even before I began to remember them and review them again, they were in my memory, and therefore they could be retrieved by memory. Perhaps, just as food rises from the stomach when chewing gum, so memory lifts these feelings from memory. Why doesn’t the one who talks about them, that is, who remembers them, feel the sweet aftertaste of joy or the bitter aftertaste of sadness? Isn’t the difference that there is no complete similarity? Who would willingly talk about these feelings if every time we mentioned sadness or fear we had to feel sad or afraid? And, however, we could not talk about them if we had not found in our memory not only their names corresponding to the images captured by the bodily senses, but also acquaintance with these very feelings, which we could not obtain through any bodily doors. The soul, familiar from experience with its passions, transmitted this knowledge to memory, or memory itself retained it without any transmission. 23. With or without images? Who's to say? I'm talking about stone, I'm talking about the sun; I don’t perceive them now with my senses, but their images, of course, are here in my memory. I call it bodily pain - but I don’t have it, nothing hurts. If, however, her image were not present in my memory, I would not know what to say, and I would not be able, in reasoning, to draw the line between her and pleasure. I am talking about bodily health, being healthy in body, I have this quality, but if the image of it were not in my memory, I could not remember what this word means. And the sick would not understand the meaning of the word “health” if its image were not retained in memory, although they do not have health itself. I name the numbers with which we keep count - here they are in my memory: not their images, but they themselves. I name the image of the sun - and it is in my memory; I remember not the image of the image, but the image itself, which appears when I remember it. I say “memory” and I know what I’m talking about. And where can I find out about it, if not in memory itself? Does she really see herself with the help of an image, and not directly? 24. Next: when I say “forgetfulness,” I also know what I’m talking about, but how could I know what it is if I didn’t remember it? I’m not talking about the name, but about what this name means; if I forgot this, I would not be able to understand the meaning of the name itself. When I remember memory, then the memory itself is present, directly acting, but when I remember forgetfulness, then both memory and forgetfulness are present: the memory with which I remember, and the forgetfulness with which I remember. But what is forgetfulness if not memory loss? How can I remember something in the presence of which I cannot remember at all? But if we retain in memory what we remember, then, if we did not remember what forgetfulness is, we could not, having heard this word, understand its meaning; forgetfulness, therefore, is remembered by memory: its presence is necessary in order not to forget, and at the same time, when it is present, we forget. Doesn’t it follow from this that it is not forgetfulness itself that is present in memory when we remember it, but only its image, for, if it were present itself, it would make us not remember, but forget. Who can research this? Who will understand how this happens? 649 25. Yes, Lord, I am working on this and working on myself: I have become my own land, requiring hard work and copious sweat 650. We are not exploring the celestial spaces now, we are not measuring the distances between the stars, we are not asking why the earth is in balance: here I am, remembering myself, I, the soul. It is not surprising if what is outside of me is far from me, but what is closer to me than myself? And so I cannot understand the power of my memory, but without it I could not name myself. What should I say if I am sure that I remember my forgetfulness? Shall I say that what I remember is not in my memory? Shall I say that forgetfulness is in my memory, so that I do not forget? Both assumptions are completely ridiculous. And the third? Can I say that when I remember forgetfulness, it is not she herself, but only her image that is retained in my memory? Can I say this if whenever an image of something is imprinted in the memory, it is necessary that this “something” should exist before its image is imprinted? So, I remember Carthage, all the places I visited; the faces of the people I saw; what other senses, my bodily health or pain, told me about. When all this was evident, my memory grabbed their images, which I can look at - they are always here - and sort through them in my mind, remembering what was missing. If memory is retained not by forgetfulness itself, but only by its image, then in order to grasp this image, the presence of forgetfulness itself is required. And if she is present, then how did she record her image in her memory? After all, even what is already written there is destroyed by the presence of forgetfulness. And yet, somehow - although it is incomprehensible and inexplicable - I know for sure that I remember my forgetfulness, which buries what we remember. 26. Great is the power of memory; I don’t know, Lord, there is something terrifying in the diversity of its countless depths. And this is my soul, this is myself. What am I, my God? What is my nature? Life is motley, diverse, endlessly immeasurable! The fields of my memory are wide, its countless caves and gorges are full of innumerable, countless diversity: here are the images of all kinds of bodies, here are the originals with which the sciences introduce us, here are some marks and notes left by mental states - although the soul does not experience them now, they are stored in memory, for in memory there is everything that was in the soul. I run and rush everywhere, I penetrate even as deep as I can - and there is no limit anywhere; such is the power of memory, such is the power of life in a person who lives to die. What should I do, my God, my true Life? I will neglect this strength of mine, which is called memory, I will neglect it in order to rush to You, my sweet Light. What will you tell me? I rise to You with my soul - You remain above me - and I will neglect this power, which is called memory; I want to touch You where You can be touched, to cling to You where it is possible to cling. Both animals and birds have memory, otherwise they would not have found their lairs, nests and much else that is familiar to them; They could get used to it only thanks to memory. I will neglect my memory in order to touch the One who separated me from the four-footed creatures and made me wiser than the birds of the air. I will neglect my memory to find You. Where? Truly kind, faithful and sweet, where can I find You? If I don’t find You in my memory, then I don’t remember You. How can I find You if I don’t remember You? 27. A woman lost a drachma and looked for it with a lamp (Luke 15:8), if she had not remembered it, she would not have found it. And how would she know, having found it, that it was the same drachma, if she did not remember it? I remember how I searched and found what was lost. I know that when I was looking for something and they said to me: “isn’t that it?”, “isn’t that what it is?”, I answered “no” until they showed me what I was looking for. If I did not remember what this object was, I could not find it, because I would not recognize it, even if they showed it to me. This always happens when we search and find something lost. If some object accidentally disappears from sight, but not from memory (any object perceived by sight), then its image is stored in memory, and it is searched for until it appears before the eyes. What is found is recognized by its image living in us. We do not say that we have found what was lost if we do not recognize it, and we cannot recognize it if we do not remember; what has disappeared from sight is preserved in memory. 28. What then? And when memory itself loses something, as happens when we forget and try to remember, then where do we make our searches, if not in memory itself? And if by chance it shows us something different, we discard it until exactly what we are looking for appears. And when it appeared, we say “here it is!” We would not say so if we did not recognize what we were looking for, and we would not recognize it if we did not remember it. We, however, forgot about him. However, has it completely fallen out of memory and it is impossible to find another part from the retained part? Doesn't memory feel that it cannot fully unfold what it is accustomed to as a whole? Disadvantaged in the familiar, as if limping, will she not demand the return of what is missing? If we see a friend or think about him and remember his forgotten name, then anyone that comes to mind will not connect with this person, because there is no habit of mentally uniting them. All names will be discarded until one appears on which the memory, which has come into balance from the information it is accustomed to, will calm down. Where was this name, if not in the memory itself? Even if someone else reminds us of it, it was still there. We do not take it on faith, as something new, but, remembering, we only confirm what was told to us. If this name is completely erased from memory, then no reminders will help. We forgot it, however, not to such an extent that we do not remember that we forgot it. We could not look for the lost if we completely forgot about it 651. 29. How can I look for You, Lord? When I seek You, my God, I seek a happy life. I will seek You so that my soul may live! My soul gives life to my body, and You give life to my soul. How can I look for a happy life? I don’t have it until I can say: “enough!” here she is." And then I should tell you how I searched: whether from memory, like a person who has forgotten her, but remembers well what he forgot, or from a desire to know her, unknown: either I never knew about her, or I forgot about her so much that I don’t even remember that I forgot. But doesn't everyone want a happy life? There is no one who wouldn’t want her! Where did they learn about her to want her so much? Where did you see it to fall in love? I don’t know how, but we, of course, have it, in different ways, it’s true; one is happy when he already lives a happy life; others are happy with the hope of it - the latter are less happy than those who are actually happy, but they are still better off than those who do not live a happy life and do not hope for it. And yet, if they had not somehow known about her, they would not have wanted to be happy; and what they want is certain. I don’t know how they found out about her, and I don’t know what information they have about her. I struggle with the question: if this is a memory; then, it means that we were all once happy (each individually or in that person who was the first to sin 652 and in whom we all die, and from whom we are all born in sorrow - I don’t ask about that now) - I ask if the memory of a happy life does not live in us? We wouldn't love her if we didn't know her. We have heard these words - and we admit that we are all, all striving for what they mean; After all, it is not the sound of words that gives us pleasure. When a Greek hears them in Latin, they will not give him any pleasure, because he will not understand them, but they will give us the same pleasure if they are said to him in Greek: a happy life is not associated with either Greece or Rome, but both the Greeks and the Romans, and people speaking other languages, greedily strive for it. It is, therefore, known to everyone, and if it were possible to ask everyone at once whether they want to be happy, everyone would, without hesitation, answer that they do. This could not have happened if everyone had not retained the memory of what is meant by the words “happy life.” 30. The same as I have about Carthage, which I saw? No. A happy life cannot be seen with the eye: it is not the body. Is it the same as ours about numbers? No. A person who knows numbers does not strive to possess them; we, knowing about a happy life and therefore loving it, still want to possess it and be happy. Maybe the way we remember eloquence? No. Although, having heard this word, even those who are not eloquent at all - and there are many who want to become eloquent - remember what eloquence is. From this it is clear that they know something about him: with the help of external senses they recognized eloquent people, enjoyed their speeches and wanted to become speakers themselves. They would not have enjoyed it if they had not had some inner knowledge of eloquence, and they would not have wanted to become orators if they had not enjoyed it. However, we do not learn about a happy life from others through any external feeling. Maybe we remember how we remember joy? Perhaps yes. I remember my joy even when I am sad, just as I remember my happy life when I am sad. My external senses never informed me of my joy: I did not see it, hear it, smell it, taste it, or feel it. I recognized her when I was rejoicing in my soul, and my memory consolidated this knowledge. I can remember this joy, sometimes despising it, sometimes yearning for it - depending on the difference between what I remember enjoying. After all, I was filled with joy from vile actions, which I now remember with disgust and curses; sometimes I rejoiced at what was good and pure, and I remember this with longing; this is in the past, and I sadly remember my former joy. 31. Where and when did I know my happy life in order to remember it, love it and yearn for it? And not only I alone or together with a few; We absolutely all want to be happy. If we definitely didn't know about it, we definitely wouldn't want it. What is this? What is this? If you asked two people whether they wanted to serve in the military, perhaps one would answer “yes” and the other “no”; but if you ask them whether they want to be happy, both would immediately, without hesitation, answer “yes.” It was precisely in order to be happy that one wanted to enter military service; it was for this reason that the other abandoned her. Is it not because one person’s joy is in one thing, and another’s in another? Everyone, however, agrees that they want to be happy, and if you ask them what they agree on, they will answer that they want to rejoice, and this very joy is called a happy life. And although one chases after one thing, and another after another, everyone tries to come to one thing: to rejoice. And since no one can say without their own experience what it is, then we, hearing the words “happy life,” find out what it is by finding information about it in our memory. 32. Let it be far, Lord, let it be far from the heart of Your servant who confesses to You, let it be far from the thought of considering myself happy, no matter how much joy I may rejoice. There is a joy that is not given to the wicked, but only to those who honor You selflessly: their joy is You yourself. And a real happy life is to rejoice in You, from You, for Your sake 653: this is a real happy life, and there is no other. Those who believe it in something else are chasing another joy - not the real one. And they, however, have some idea of ​​\u200b\u200bjoy, from which they do not turn away in their desire for happiness. 33. It is impossible, therefore, to say that everyone wants to be happy: after all, those who do not want to rejoice in You - this alone is a happy life - do not really want a happy life. Or everyone wants it, but “the flesh desires what is contrary to the spirit, and the spirit is contrary to the flesh, so people do not do what they want” 654 and therefore get stuck in what they can do and are satisfied with that: they have no real desire to gain strength for what they do not have enough strength for. If I ask everyone in what they prefer to find joy: in truth or in lies, then everyone will no longer hesitate to answer that in the truth, just as they will not doubt to say that they want to be happy, but a happy life is the joy given by the truth, i.e. By You, Lord, for You are “the Truth, my Enlightenment, the Salvation of my face, my God” 655. Everyone wants this happy life, everyone wants this life, the only happy one; Everyone wants joy from the truth. I know many who willingly deceive, and no one who would like to be deceived. Where did they learn about this happy life, if not where they learned about the truth? They love it too, because they do not want to be deceived, but, loving a happy life - it is nothing other than the joy bestowed by the truth - they, of course, also love the truth. They would not love her if they did not have some information about her in their memory. Why aren't they happy about it? Why aren't you happy? Because something else has taken a stronger hold on them 656, and it is more likely to make them unhappy than to make them happy; a weak memory of what would make them happy: “there is still little light in people”; let them walk, let them walk, “so that darkness does not overtake them” 657. 34. Why does “the truth give rise to hatred” 658 and why did your man, who preaches the truth, become an enemy for them? 659 After all, they love a happy life, and it is nothing other than joy in the truth? Is it because the truth is so loved that, while loving something else, people want what they love to turn out to be the truth? And since they do not want to be deceived, they do not want to be exposed that they are being deceived. So they hate the truth out of love for what they consider to be the truth. They love her light and hate her reproaches. Not wanting to be deceived and wanting to deceive, they love her when she shows herself, and hate her when she shows them. For this they will receive reward: they do not want to be revealed by her - she will reveal them against their desire, but she herself will not reveal herself to them. Yes, yes, yes: such is the human soul; blind, lethargic, vile and obscene, she wants to hide, but does not want anything to be hidden from her. She is rewarded on the contrary: she cannot hide from the truth, but the truth hides from her. And yet, even so, in her poverty, she prefers to rejoice in the truth rather than in lies. She will be happy when, without any hindrance, she rejoices in the one and only truth, the beginning of all that is true. 35. That's how long I wandered through my memory, looking for You, Lord, and did not find You outside of it. And I found nothing that I did not remember about You from the day I knew You 660. From the day I knew You, I have not forgotten You. Where I found the truth, there I found my God, the Truth itself, and from the day I learned it, I have not forgotten it. From the day I recognized You, You have been in my memory, and there I find You, when I remember You and rejoice in You. This is my holy joy, which You graciously bestowed upon me, looking back at my poverty. 36. Where are You, O Lord, in my memory, where are You there? What kind of shelter have you built for yourself? What kind of sanctuary did he build for himself? You have honored 661 my memory with Your presence, but in what part of it do You reside? I went in search through those parts of it that animals have, and did not find You there, among the images of bodily objects; I came to those parts to which I entrusted my spiritual states, but even there I did not find You. I entered the abode of my soul itself, which exists for it in my memory, for the soul itself remembers itself, but You were not there either. You are not a physical image, not a mental state that we experience when we are happy, sad, wish, fear, remember, forget, and so on; and You are not the soul itself, for You are the Lord God of my soul. All this changes, but You remain unchanged above everything, and You have deigned my memory to become Your dwelling place from the day I recognized You. And why am I asking in which place do you live, as if there are places there? One thing is certain: You live in her, because I remember You from the day I recognized You, and in her I find You, remembering You. 37. Where did I find You so that I could recognize You? You were not in my memory before I knew You. Where did I find You to recognize You, if not in You, above me? 662 Not in space: we depart from You and come to You not in space 663. Truth, You sit everywhere and answer everyone who asks You at the same time, although everyone asks about different things. You answer clearly, but not everyone hears clearly. Everyone asks what they want, but they don’t always hear what they want. Your best servant is the one who does not think about how he can hear what he wants, but wants what he hears from You. 38. I fell in love with You too late, Beauty, so ancient and so young, I fell in love with You too late! Here You were in me, and I was in the external and there I was looking for You, into this beautiful world, created by You, I, ugly, broke into! You were with me, I was not with You. A world kept me far from You, which would not have existed if it had not been in You. You called, shouted and broke through my deafness; You sparkled, shone and drove away my blindness; You poured out your fragrance, I inhaled and am suffocating without You. I have tasted You and I hunger and thirst for You; You touched me, and I burned for Your peace 664. 39. When I cling to You with my whole being, my pain and sadness will disappear, and my life will be alive, completely full of You. It is easy for a person if he is full of You; I am not full of You and therefore I am a burden to myself. My joys, over which I should cry, argue with my sorrows, over which I should rejoice, and I don’t know which side will win. My bad sorrows compete with my good joys, and I don’t know which side will win. Alas for me! Lord, have mercy on me! Alas for me! These are my wounds - I do not hide them. You are a doctor, I am a patient; You are pitiful, I am pitiful. “Isn’t human life on earth a temptation?” Who would want hardships and difficulties? You order them to be tolerated, not to be loved. No one loves what he suffers, even if he loves patience. And even though he rejoices in his patience, he would still prefer that there was nothing to endure. I wish well-being in trouble, I fear trouble in prosperity. Is there a middle ground between them where “human life would not be a temptation?” Woe to worldly well-being, doubly woe to it: from fear of misfortune, from flawed joy. Woe to worldly misfortune, doubly, triple woe: from longing for well-being; because the misfortune itself is cruel, because, perhaps, patience will break from it. Isn’t man’s life on earth “temptation” always and everywhere? 40. All my hope is only in Your great, great mercy. Give what you command and command what you want. You command abstinence. “And I know,” someone said, “that no one can be abstinent unless God gives it to him, and this is wisdom - to know whose gift it is” 665. Yes, abstinence makes us collected and returns us to the One, but we have left it, scattered in different directions. He loves You little who loves something else and loves not for Your sake 666. O Love, which always burns and never goes out, my God. God of mercy, light me up! You command abstinence: give what you command, and command what you want! 41. You will command me, of course, to abstain “from the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes and the pride of life” 667. You commanded to abstain from illegal cohabitation; You allowed marriage, but advised a better condition 668. And You gave me to choose this state before I began to perform Your sacraments. And yet, to this day, images live in my memory (about which I have spoken a lot), firmly engraved into it by habit. They rush at me when I am awake, but then they are, however, powerless, but in a dream it comes not only to pleasure, but to consent to it. And in these deceptive images there is so much power over my soul and my body that ghosts convince the sleeping person of what the living cannot do to the awake person. Do I then cease to be myself, Lord my God? And yet, what a difference there is between me when I fell into sleep and me when I shook it off! Where was the mind at that time, with the help of which the waking person resists such whisperings and remains unshakable in the face of real temptation? Does it close with the eyes? Does he fall asleep with his bodily senses? And why do we often resist, even in our sleep, remembering our decision, and remain chaste in it, without succumbing to such baits? And yet the difference is such that even otherwise we, having woken up, find peace in our conscience: reality and dream are so far apart that it is clear to us: we did not do what somehow happened in us, and we regret it. 42. Is Your hand, O Almighty God, not strong enough to heal all the ailments of my soul and, with an abundance of grace, to quench this dissolute anxiety of my dreams? You will multiply and multiply Your gifts in me, Lord, and my soul, breaking free from the glue of lust 669, will follow me to You, will cease to rebel against itself, will not, even in a dream, not only commit these abominations under the influence of bestial images, but also agree to them. So that not only in this life, but even at this age, such a state would become disgusting to me - even to a small extent - such that it can easily be suppressed by one effort of the will of someone sleeping in pure sleep! – This is not difficult for the Almighty, Who is “able to do more than we ask and understand” 670. And now I still remain in this evil, and I tell my good God, “rejoicing in trembling” 671, about what You have given me, crying about my imperfection, hoping that You will complete Your mercy and bring me to the fullness of peace, in which everything in me will abide with You - both internal and external - at the hour when “death will be swallowed up in victory” 672. 43. There is another “spite of the day” 673 - if only that alone were enough for him! We restore our daily deteriorating body with food and drink, and this will continue until “You destroy food and stomach,” kill hunger with wondrous satiety, and “cloth this corruptible body with eternal incorruptibility” 674. Now this necessity is sweet to me, and I fight with this pleasure so as not to be captured by it: I wage a daily war with it by fasting and frequent “enslavement of the body” 675 - and my torment is driven away by pleasure. Hunger and thirst are torment; they burn and kill, like a fever, if you do not treat them with food. And since the medicine is at hand, and You comfort us with Your gifts, which are offered, serving our weakness, by earth, water and sky, then disaster began to be called pleasure. 44. You taught me to take food like medicine. But while I am moving from painful hunger to complacent satiety, this is where the snare of gluttony is set for me. This transition itself is pleasure, and there is no other way to go where necessity forces us to go. Maintaining health is the reason why we eat and drink, but pleasure is added to it - a dangerous companion that often tries to go ahead, so that for its sake what, judging by my words and desires, I do for the sake of health, is done. Both, however, have more than one measure: what is enough for health is not enough for pleasure. It is often difficult to determine what is here: whether caring for and helping the body is still necessary or serving the deceptions of whimsical sensuality. The unfortunate soul rejoices in this uncertainty, counting on it as an apology and protection; she rejoices that she does not see the measures necessary for health and, by referring to health, covers up the service of gluttony. I try to resist these temptations every day; I appeal to Your right hand, I bring my anxiety to You, for here I am still in confusion. 45. I hear the voice of the command of my Lord: “Do not burden your hearts with gluttony and drunkenness” 676. I am far from drunkenness; Be merciful, let me not approach him. Gluttony 677 sometimes creeps towards Thy servant; Be merciful and let it go away from me. “No one has the power to be abstinent unless You give.” You send many things through our prayers; and that good thing that we receive before we ask, we receive from You, and that which we understand only later, we receive from You. I have never been a drunkard, but I have known drunkards whom You made sober. You make sure that some never become what they were not; You make others cease to be what they were; You do that both of them know who did it. I also heard Your other voice: “Do not follow your lusts and refrain from your desires” 678. By Thy mercy, I heard another saying - a very favorite one: “Whether we eat, we gain nothing; if we don’t eat, we don’t lose anything” 679, in other words: the first will not enrich me, the other will not upset me. I also heard: “I have learned to be content with what I have; I know how to live in abundance and I know how to tolerate lack. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me” 680. Here is a warrior of the heavenly camp, not dust like us. But remember, Lord, that “we are dust,” that from dust You created this man, that he “was lost and is found.” And he could not do anything on his own, for he was the same dust, he whom I loved so much for these words inspired by Your Spirit: “I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.” Strengthen me that I may; Give what you command, and command what you want. Paul admits that he received everything from You and “whatever he boasts about, he boasts in the Lord” 681. I also heard another prayer: “remove gluttony from me.” From this it is clear, Holy God, that You give power to fulfill what You command to be fulfilled. 46. You taught me, Good Father: “everything is pure, but it is bad for a person who eats, leading into temptation; every creation of God is good, and nothing is reprehensible if it is received with thanksgiving; food does not bring us closer to God; and let no one judge us for food or drink, but whoever eats, do not despise the one who does not eat, and whoever does not eat, do not condemn the one who eats” 682. I have learned this and thank You and praise You, my God, my Teacher, who knocks on my ears and illuminates my heart! Deliver me from every temptation. I am not afraid of unclean food, but of unclean passion. I know that Noah was allowed to eat all kinds of meat that were used for food, that Elijah regained his strength with meat, that John, the wondrous faster, was not defiled by eating animal food, i.e. locusts And I know that Esau was tempted by lentils, that David reproached himself for the desire to get drunk, that our King was tempted not by meat, but by bread. And the people in the desert deserved reproach not because they wanted meat food, but because, dreaming of food, they grumbled against the Lord 683. 47. Being in these temptations, I struggle daily with gluttony. Here you cannot do what I was able to do with carnal ties: cut off once and for all and not return. The throat must be curbed, pulling and releasing the reins moderately. And is there anyone, Lord, who will not be carried away beyond the limits of what is necessary? Whoever he is, he is great and may he glorify Your Name. I'm not like that; I am a man and a sinner. But I also glorify Your Name, and He, “Who has overcome the world,” “may intercede for my sins,” counting me among the weak members of His Body, for “Thy eyes have seen the imperfect, and in Thy book all will be written” 684. 48. The spell of smells doesn't bother me. They are not there - I am not looking for them; they are there, I don’t drive them away; I agree to do without them forever. So it seems to me, but maybe I'm wrong. Here they are, these sorrowful darknesses, in which the possibilities that live within me are hidden from me; my soul, asking itself about its strengths, knows that it is not worth trusting itself: what is in it is usually hidden and is revealed only by experience. In this life, which is called “continuous temptation,” no one can be calm for himself: if he could turn from bad to good, this does not mean that he will not turn from good to bad. Only hope, only rely on Your firmly promised mercy! 49. The pleasures of hearing entangled and enslaved me more tightly, but You untied me and set me free. Now - I confess - on songs animated by Your sayings, performed in a sweet and processed voice, I rest somewhat, without, however, freezing in place: I can get up whenever I want. These songs, however, require for themselves and for the thoughts that give life to them, some worthy place in my heart, and it is unlikely that I will give them the appropriate one. Sometimes, it seems to me, I give them more honor than I should: I feel that the holy words themselves kindle our souls with a more fervent piety if they are well sung; Bad singing does not have this effect. Each of our mental movements is characterized, and only it alone, has certain modulations in the voice of the speaker and the singer, and they, due to some secret affinity, evoke these feelings. And my carnal pleasure, which cannot be allowed to relax my soul, often deceives me 685: feeling, accompanying reason, does not quietly follow behind, although it is only thanks to reason that it has earned this place, but tries to run ahead and become a leader. I sin so quietly and only notice it later. 50. Sometimes, however, being overly wary of this deception, I make the mistake of falling into excessive severity: sometimes I strongly wish that those sweet melodies on which the psalms of David are based would not sound in my ears and in the ears of believers. It seems to me that the Bishop of Alexandria Athanasius acted more correctly, who, I remember they told me, forced the psalms to be pronounced with such insignificant modulations that it was more like recitation than singing. And yet, I remember the tears that I shed to the sounds of church singing when I had just found my faith; and although now it is not the singing that touches me, but what is sung about, but behold, it is sung in clear voices, in tunes that are quite suitable, and I again recognize the great benefit of this established custom. So I hesitate - and pleasure is dangerous, and the saving influence of singing is proven by experience. While I am inclined not to make an irrevocable judgment, I still rather approve of the custom of singing in church: let the weak soul, reveling in the sounds, rise up, filled with piety. When it happens to me that the singing touches me more than what is sung about, I repent of my sin; I deserved punishment and then I would prefer not to hear the singing at all. That's what I am! Weep with me and weep for me, you who are working on something good in your heart, from where actions come. Those who do not work will not be touched by all this. You, “Lord my God, hear, look around, look, have pity, heal me” 686. In Your eyes I have become a task for myself, and this is my illness 687. 51. What remains is the pleasure derived from these carnal eyes of mine. My confession will be about him, which will be heard by the ears of Your Church, fraternal and kind ears. With this we will put an end to the temptations of carnal temptations that are still knocking on my heart, and I sigh and long to enter my abode, which is in heaven. 688 Eyes love beautiful and varied shapes, bright and pleasant colors. May they not take possession of my soul; may God take possession of it, Who created them, of course, “very good,” but not they, but He - my good. They disturb me all day long while I am awake, and I have no peace from them, as there is from ringing voices, or indeed from any sounds in the ensuing silence. And the king of colors himself, this sunlight, flooding everything we see, wherever I am during the day, sneaks up on me in every possible way and caresses me, although I am busy with something else and do not pay attention to it. And he is so dear that if he suddenly disappears, then you look for him with longing, and if he is gone for a long time, then your soul becomes darkened. 52. O Light, which Tobit saw when, with his eyes closed, he showed his son the path of life and walked ahead of him with the feet of love, never stumbling; which Isaac saw with eyes heavy and closed from old age: he was granted the grace not to bless his sons by recognizing them, but to recognize them by blessing them; which Jacob saw, deprived of sight in his old age, when with the rays of light that filled his heart, he illuminated in his sons the prophesied tribes of the future people; when he laid his hands, mysteriously crossed, on his grandchildren from Joseph; their father, looking with earthly eyes, tried to correct him, but Jacob acted in obedience to his inner vision 689. This is the real light, united, and all who see and love it are united. This same earthly light, about which I spoke, peppers the worldly life of its blind lovers with its seductive and dangerous charm. Those who know how to praise You for it, “Lord, Creator of all,” will take it to sing a hymn to You, but will not allow themselves to be taken and fall asleep in their souls 690. That's how I want to be. I resist the temptations of the eyes, so that they do not entangle my feet, walking along Your path; I will lift up invisible eyes to You, so that You may unravel “my feet from the snares” 691. You keep getting them out because they get caught in them. You constantly unravel them, but I often get stuck in the traps placed everywhere. “You will not fall asleep or indulge in sleep while protecting Israel” 692. 53. To what attracts the eye, how many more have been added by people! The creations of various arts and crafts - clothing, shoes, dishes and all kinds of utensils, paintings and other images - all this went far beyond the limits of moderate needs in both home life and church use. Busy on the outside with their creations, people in their hearts leave the One who created them, destroying what He created in them 693. But I, Lord, am my Decoration, and here I find a reason to shout a hymn to You and offer a sacrifice of praise to Him who sacrificed Himself for me; skillful hands learn from the soul about the beautiful, and its source is that Beauty that is above the soul 694 and for which my soul sighs day and night. Craftsmen and lovers of beautiful things took from her a standard for evaluating things 695, but did not take a standard for using them. But it's here, and they don't see it 696. There is no need to go far: “let them keep their strength for You” and not waste it on tedious pleasures. I say this and understand - and I stand in front of this beauty as if my legs are tangled. You release them, Lord, You release them: “Your mercy is before my eyes” 697. I am pitifully caught, and You pitifully set me free; sometimes I don't feel it because I was caught slightly; sometimes it hurts because I'm stuck tightly. 54. This is accompanied by another type of temptation, many times more dangerous. In addition to carnal lust, which demands pleasures and pleasures for all external senses and destroys its servants, removing them from You, these same external feelings inspire the soul with a desire not to enjoy in the flesh, but to explore with the help of the flesh: this empty and greedy curiosity 698 is dressed in the clothing of knowledge and science. It consists in the desire to know, and since, of the external senses, sight provides us with the most material for knowledge, this desire is called in Scripture “the lust of the eyes.” The proper purpose of the eyes is to see, but we use this word to talk about other senses when we learn something with their help. We don’t say: “listen to how it shines red,” or “smell how it glitters,” or “taste how bright it is,” or “touch how it sparkles”; in all these cases they say “look”. We say not only: “look what glows” - only the eyes can feel this - but “look what rings”, “look what it smells”, “look how it tastes”, “look how hard it is”. Therefore, any knowledge delivered by external senses is called, as it is said, “the lust of the eyes”: the duty to see - this main duty of the eyes, is appropriated in a figurative sense by other senses when they examine something. 55. Here you can more clearly distinguish between what the external senses require for pleasure and what for curiosity. Pleasure seeks what is beautiful, sonorous, sweet, tasty, soft, and curiosity even seeks the opposite - not in order to subject itself to torment, but out of a desire to explore and know. Is it possible to enjoy the sight of a torn apart, terrifying corpse? And yet, let him lie somewhere, and people will come running to mourn, to turn pale with fear. They are scared to see it even in a dream, but it’s as if someone is forcing them to watch it in reality, as if they are being driven by rumors about something beautiful. It’s the same with other feelings – it’s too long to list. The same disease of curiosity forces people to show various wonders at shows 699. Hence the desire to rummage through the secrets of nature, inaccessible to us; knowing them will not bring any benefit, but people want to know them only to know 700. Hence, for the purposes of the same perverted science, they seek knowledge with the help of magic. Hence, even in religion, the desire to test God: they demand signs and wonders from Him not for the purpose of salvation, but only in order to recognize them. 56. In this immeasurable forest, full of traps and dangers, I have already broken off and scattered a lot: You have given me this to do, O God of my salvation. And yet, dare I say, when everywhere and every day many objects that arouse curiosity burst into our lives with a roar, dare I say that not one of them will force me to look at it carefully and will not inspire empty interest? The theater, of course, doesn’t captivate me; I do not care to find out the course of the luminaries; my soul has never asked the shadows: all sacrilegious rituals are disgusting to me. However, with what tricks and whispers does the enemy act so that I ask You for some sign, from You, Lord my God. To whom am I obliged only to serve in humility and simplicity! I pray to You for the sake of our king and Jerusalem, the fatherland of simplicity and chastity: just as the thought of agreeing to such a thing is far from me now, so may it remain far away and move even further. If I ask You to save someone, then the purpose of my urgent prayer is completely different; But You, doing whatever You want, give and will continue to give me the strength to willingly obey You. 57. And what a multitude of the most insignificant, despicable trifles daily tempts our curiosity, and how often we fall! Who will list it? How many times do we at first seem to only tolerate empty chatter, not wanting to offend the weak, but little by little we begin to listen willingly and attentively. I no longer watch a dog chase a hare at the circus, but if I happen to see a hunt in a field, it will distract me, perhaps, from important thoughts and attract me to itself, making it not my horse, but my heart, turn off the road. And if You, having immediately shown my weakness, do not enlighten me - let me ascend to You, drawing some thoughts from this very spectacle, or completely neglect it and pass by - then I will remain in the grip of senseless curiosity. And when I’m sitting at home, isn’t my attention often captured by a lizard busy catching flies, or a spider entangling insects with its webs? 701 These creatures may be small, but the point here is the same. In the future, I move on to praising You, the wondrous Creator, who has ordered everything, but it is not the same thought that immediately captures my attention. One thing is to get up quickly; another thing is not to fall. And my life is full of such trifles, and my only hope is in Your great, great mercy. Our heart is a receptacle for such little things; it contains abundant heaps of nonsense, with which our prayers are often disturbed and confused. And when, before Your face, we direct the voice of our heart to Your ears, I don’t know where from, empty thoughts rush in and interrupt such an important task. 58. Do we really consider this to be insignificant? Will not at least something bring us back to hope only in Thy mercy that has been known? You have already begun to change us. And You know how much You have changed me. Firstly, You cured me of the passion to justify myself, “in order to have mercy on my other iniquities, heal all my ailments, save my life from destruction, crown me with mercy and mercy and satisfy my desire with good things” 702. You have humbled my pride with Your fear and accustomed my neck to Your yoke. And now I carry it, and it is easy for me - You promised it and did it: so it was, and I did not know when I was afraid to put it on. 59. Really, Lord, You are the only one who rules, not knowing pride, for You are the only true Lord, and there is no ruler above You, has this third temptation really moved away from me or will it not be able to leave me during this whole life? To want people to fear and love me not for anything else, but only because there is joy in this, which is not joy at all. Miserable life and disgusting vanity! This, mainly, destroys love for You and pure fear of You, because You “resist the proud, but give grace to the humble” 703 and throw thunder against worldly vanity, from which “the foundations of the mountains shake” 704. And since some social duties can only be fulfilled if you are loved and feared, then the enemy of our true happiness begins to attack here, scattering his praises everywhere like bait in a snare: we greedily pick them up and through carelessness we get caught, we put aside our joy from Your truth and put it in human lies. We are pleased to be loved and feared not for Your sake, but instead of You. And the enemy, having thus likened us to himself, keeps us with him, not for the sake of agreement in love, but for the sake of community in punishment. It was he who decided to “establish his throne in the north” so that those full of darkness and cold would serve him, pervertedly and monstrously imitating You. But we, Lord, here we are “Thy little flock” 706, rule over us. Spread Your wings, let us take refuge under them. Be our glory; Let them love us for Your sake, let them fear Your Word in us! The one who wants human praise, despite Your censure, people will not protect at Your Judgment, they will not snatch him from Your condemnation. It is not “the sinner, however, who is praised for the desires of his soul,” “the one who does not commit iniquity is blessed” 707: a person is praised for the gift he received from You, but if he rejoices more in the praise than in the gift itself for which he is praised, then You blame him. And the one who praises is better than the one who is praised. The first is pleased with the gift of God in man, but the second is more pleased with the gift from man, and not from God. 60. These temptations tempt us daily, Lord, they tempt us continuously. Human language is a tempting crucible for every day 708. You command us to control ourselves here too: give what you command, and command what you want. You know the groaning of my heart towards you and the rivers of my tears. It is not easy for me to realize how much I have been cleansed from this filth, and I am very afraid of what is hidden within me; Your eyes see it, mine do not. With other temptations, I am able to test myself at least to some extent, but almost not. As for carnal pleasures and empty curiosity, here I see how far I have succeeded in curbing my soul; whether I lost them voluntarily, or whether they didn’t exist at all, but I can ask myself what it’s like for me without them: it’s very hard or not particularly hard. People strive for wealth in order to serve any of these three passions, one or two or all three, and if the soul cannot give itself an idea of ​​whether it despises wealth while possessing it, then it can be abandoned in order to test itself. But is it really true that in order to test how the absence of praise will affect us, we must live a bad life, so vicious and brutal that everyone who knows us will hate us? Is it possible to say or think anything more meaningless! And if praise should be and is a companion to a good life and good deeds, then one should not refuse either such a companion or the good life itself. And I can understand what I can do without calmly or with difficulty only in the absence of what was discussed. 61. What do I confess to You, Lord, speaking about this temptation? Is it because praise is very pleasant to me? 709 But truth is greater than praise. If I were asked whether I would prefer to become a fool, to be mistaken in everything and hear everyone's praise, or to be reasonable, stand firmly in the truth and hear everyone's condemnation, I know what I will choose. I just wouldn’t want approval from someone else’s lips to increase my joy from something good in me. And I admit, it increases; Moreover, censure reduces. And when I am alarmed by this poverty of mine, then an apology creeps up on me; You, Lord, know its worth, but it confuses me. You ordered us not only to be abstinent, i.e. suppress love for some things, but also fair ones, i.e. know what to direct it to; You wanted us to love not only You, but also our neighbor. And it often seems to me that when I rejoice in the praise of a very understanding person, then I rejoice at the growth of my neighbor or the hopes for this growth, and vice versa - I am saddened by his shortcomings when I hear him condemn either what he does not understand, or what is good. And sometimes I am upset by praise to myself: if they praise something in me that I myself do not like, or value it more than they are worth, qualities that are even good, but insignificant. And again, how do I know whether this feeling arises in me because I don’t want the one who praises me to have a different opinion of me than I do myself, and I’m not at all worried about his benefit: those very good qualities in me that I like become more pleasant to me if someone else also likes them. If my own opinion about myself does not meet with praise, this means that to some extent I am not praised either, because they either praise what I don’t like, or they praise more what I like less about myself. Am I a mystery to myself? 62. And here in You, Truth, I see that I should become restless from praising myself, not for my own sake, but for the benefit of my neighbor. But whether this happens, I don’t know. Here I am less familiar to myself than you are 710. I pray to You, my God, show me myself, so that I can confess to my brothers the wounds that I see in myself: they will pray for me; I will begin to interrogate myself more carefully again. If, listening to praise for myself, I worry about the benefit of my neighbor, then why do I worry less when hearing unfair reproaches not to myself, but to another? Why am I more hurt by an insult thrown at me than by an insult inflicted on another in my presence and just as undeservedly? And don’t I know this? What remains is to “deceive myself” 711 and lie to You with my tongue and heart? Remove this madness from me, O Lord, “let not my words become the oil of a sinner to anoint my head” 712. 63. “I am poor and poor” 713, but I am better when, disgusted with myself and groaning, I secretly seek Thy mercy until my inferiority is filled and I am filled with peace, unknown to the eye of the proud. The speeches coming out of the mouth and the deeds known to people tempt with the most dangerous temptation: the love of praise, which begs and collects votes in favor of a person in order to somehow elevate him. She tempts me when I expose her in myself, by the very fact that I expose her: often contempt for empty glory covers up even more empty boasting; There is no point in boasting about contempt for glory: one does not despise it if one boasts about contempt for it. 64. Another evil, revealed by this temptation, has also settled in us: it devastates the souls of those who like themselves, although others do not like them or are even disgusted. They don't even try to please. Although they like themselves, they become very disgusted with You: they consider what is bad to be good; Your good deeds are yours, and if yours, then perfect thanks to them; let it be due to Your influence, but they will not rejoice in it along with others, but will envy those who took advantage of it. In such and similar dangers and difficulties You see the trembling of my heart, and I feel that You will heal my wounds again and again, but will not stop inflicting them. 65. Wherever you walked with me, Truth, teaching me what to beware of and what to strive for, when I brought you my meager conjectures that I could and asked for advice! Where I could, I walked around the external world with my feelings, peered into the life animating my body, and into these very external feelings of mine. From there I entered the recesses of my memory, these spaces, with their diversity; they are miraculously filled with countless treasures. I looked and was horrified: I couldn’t make out anything without You, but all this is not You. And I did not find this myself, although I penetrated everywhere and tried to distinguish and appreciate everything: I learned about one thing from my messengers-feelings, which I asked; the other, I felt, had merged with me 714, and I understood these very messengers of mine, distributing them, and already in the rich treasures of my memory I revised some, hid others, brought others to light. Neither I myself, who is busy with this, i.e. nor my power, with the help of which I did this, was You, for You are the eternally abiding light, from whom I asked about everything: does it exist, what is it, what is its price - and I listened to Your lessons and orders. And I do this often, this is my joy, a sweet refuge where I run every time, the necessary things will let me go. However, in everything that I go through, asking You, I do not find the right refuge for my soul; it is only in You, where everything that is scattered is gathered together, and nothing in me departs from You. And sometimes You allow in my depths a rare feeling of unknown sweetness 715; If I lived through it in its entirety, I don’t know what would happen—it wouldn’t be this life. And I fall back here under a bitter burden; the ordinary sucks me in and holds me: I cry a lot, but it also holds me strong. That's what the burden of habit is worth! I am able to be here, but I don’t want to; I want to be there, but I can’t: I’m pitiful on both sides. 66. That is why I considered my sins, which I suffer from, submitting to triple lust 716, and I cried out to Thy right hand 717 for my salvation. I, wounded at heart, saw Your radiance and, blinded by it, said: who can withstand it? “I am rejected from Thy sight” 718. You are the Truth, reigning over everything, and I, in my greed, did not want to lose You, but I wanted to possess the lie with You. No one wants to lie to the point of not knowing what the truth is. This is how I lost You, because You do not deserve to live with a lie. 67. Whom should I find to reconcile me with You? Turn to the angels? With what prayer? By what rituals? 719 Many tried to return to You, but could not do this on their own and, according to my rumors, they tried this remedy: they were seized by the desire for unusual visions and deservedly found themselves victims of their own inventions. They looked for You, boasting of their science, proudly sticking out their chests, and not humbly hitting them; They attracted, by similarity of hearts, “spirits of the air” 720 as comrades and assistants to their pride, who deceived them with the powers of magic. They were looking for a mediator who would cleanse them, but there was none: there was “the devil, who took the form of an angel of light” 721. And their proud flesh was especially tempted by the fact that he did not have a fleshly body! They were mortals and sinners, but You, Lord, were reconciled with Whom they proudly sought, immortal and sinless. And the mediator between God and people had to become like God in some way, like people in some way; similar to people in everything, he would be far from God; similar to God in everything, he would be distant from people, and, therefore, could not become a mediator. The same imaginary mediator (Thy secret judgment has determined through him to disgrace pride, as it deserves) has one thing in common with people - sin. However, it is desirable for him to seem that he also has something in common with God: not being clothed with mortal flesh, he boasts of immortality. And since “the wages of sin is death” 722, what unites him with people is precisely that for which he was condemned to death along with them. 68. The true mediator, Whom in Your mysterious mercy You showed to people, sending to them so that by His example they would learn true humility, “The Mediator between God and people, the man Christ Jesus” 723 stood between mortal sinners and the Immortal and Righteous - mortal like people, righteous like God. And since the reward of righteousness is life and peace, then by righteousness united with God, he expelled death for the justification of sinners, desiring to join in it with them. He was revealed to the ancient saints, so that they would be saved by faith in His future sufferings, just as we are saved by faith in the past. As a man, He is a mediator, but as the Word, He does not stand in the middle, for He is equal to God, He is God with God and one God with God. 69. How You loved us, good Father, that You did not spare Your only Son, but gave Him up for us, the wicked. How You loved us, for whom He, “not considering it robbery to be equal with God, humbled Himself, becoming obedient even to the point of death on the cross.” He is the only one “free among the dead,” “having the power to give his soul” and “the power to take it again” 724. He is the winner and sacrifice for us before You; and the winner because the sacrifice 725 ; He is the high priest and the offering before You for us, and the high priest because of the offering; He made us sons of You from servants, He was born of You and served us. In justice, I firmly hope in Him: You will heal all my ailments through Him who sits at Your right hand and intercedes for us before You. Otherwise, I would have fallen into despair: my ailments are numerous and grievous, many and grievous, but Your healing is stronger. We might think that your Word is so far from man that it cannot unite with him, and we would despair if “It did not become flesh and dwell among us” 726. 70. Horrified by my sins, under the burden of my poverty, I decided in my heart to flee into the desert, 727 but You restrained and strengthened me, saying: “For this purpose Christ died for all, so that those who live should not live for themselves, but for Him who died for all.” Behold, Lord, I cast my care upon Thee, that I may live and “see the wonders of Thy law” 728: Thou knowest my ignorance and my weakness: teach me and heal me. Your only Son, “in whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge,” 729 bought me with His Blood. Let not the proud slander me: I think about my ransom when I receive and distribute Communion. I, poor one, desire to be satisfied along with those who receive and are satisfied: “and they who seek Him will praise the Lord” 730. Do you, O Lord, whose destiny is eternity, not know what I am telling you? Or do you see what happens in time at the same time? Why am I telling you so much and in such detail? Not so, of course, that You learn about this from me, but in order to arouse in yourself and in those who read this, love for You, let us all say: “Great is the Lord and worthy of praise” 731. I have already said 732 and I will say again: I do this out of love for Your love. We pray, although the truth says: “your Father knows what you need before you ask Him” 733. We reveal our feelings towards You, confessing to You our misfortunes and Your mercies: complete our liberation, which You began; Let us stop being unhappy in ourselves, and let us be happy in You. You called us to become poor in spirit, meek, weeping, hungry and thirsty for righteousness, merciful, pure in heart, peacemakers 734 . So I told you a lot: what I could and what I wanted. You were the first to want me to confess to You, my Lord God, “for You are good, for Your mercy endures forever” 735. 2. When will it be enough for me to communicate with the tongue of the pen 736 about all Your admonitions, about all Your threats, about the consolations and guidance with which You have led me to preach Your word and to impart Your secrets to Your people? 737 And even if it’s enough to tell everything in order, then every drop of time is worth it to me 738. My heart has long been burning to meditate on Your law and here to show You my knowledge and my inexperience, the first glimmers of Your light and the remaining shadows of the darkness that abides in me, until Your strength swallows up my weakness. I don’t want to waste the hours on other things that remain free from necessary worries about myself, from mental labor, from services to people, obligatory and optional, but still rendered by me. 3. Lord my God, listen to my prayer; by Thy mercy hear my desire; it boils in me not only for my sake: I want it to benefit my beloved brothers; and You see in my heart that this is so. May I serve You with thought and word, may I sacrifice them to You: give me something to offer You, for “I am poor and needy, but You are rich for all who call on You” 739, free from worries, You take care of us. Cut off all foolishness and all lies within me and outside me, on my lips. May Your Scripture be my pure delight, may I not fall into error through it, may I not be led astray by it. Hearken, O Lord, and have pity, O Lord my God, light of the blind and strength of the weak, and always light of the sighted and strength of the strong! Hearken to my soul, hear “he who calls from the abyss” 741. If there are no Thy ears in the abyss, where should we go? Who to appeal to? “Your day and Your night” 742, at Your command the minutes fly by. Grant me generously time to meditate on what is hidden in Your law; do not close it before those who knock. It was not in vain that You forced me to write so many pages entwined with deep mystery. Don’t these forests have their own deer that come there to take refuge, rest, walk, graze, lie down and chew cud 743? O Lord, bring me to understanding and open these pages to me. Your voice is my joy; Your voice is dearer than all pleasures. Give me what I love: because I love. And You gave me to love. Do not forsake Your gifts, do not despise Your thirsty blade of grass. May I confess to You everything that I find in Your books, may I “hear the voice of praise,” may I drink in You and contemplate “the wonders of Your law” 744 from the beginning, when You created the earth and the heavens, until the eternal kingdom, with You in Your holy city. 4. Have mercy, Lord, hear my desire. I don’t need anything earthly: no gold, no silver, no precious stones, no decorated clothes, no honors, no high titles, no carnal pleasures, and even what the body needs in this worldly journey of ours - all this “will be added to us who seek the Kingdom of God and its righteousness” 745. Look, Lord, where I get this desire from. “The wicked told me about their pleasures; they are not as they are from Thy law, O Lord" 746. This is where my desire comes from. Look, Father, look and approve: may I find mercy from You in the face of Your mercy, may the hidden things in Your words be revealed at my knock. I pray to You in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, Your Son, who sits at Your right hand, the Son of Man, Whom You made mediator between You and us, through Whom You sought us, who did not seek You, so that we would seek You; in the name of Your Word, through which You created everything, including me; in the name of Your only One, through Whom You have adopted the believers, including me; I beseech You in His name, who sits at Your right hand, our Advocate, “in whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge,” 747 which I seek in Your books. Moses wrote about him; he says it himself; the truth is what 748 says. 5. Let me hear and understand how You created heaven and earth in the beginning. Moses wrote this, wrote it and left, moved from here - from You to You 749, and now he is not in front of me. If he were here, I would grab hold of him and ask and conjure with You to reveal these words to me, I would catch with my bodily hearing the sounds flowing from his lips. If he had spoken Hebrew, his voice would have sounded in vain in my ears, and nothing would have touched my mind. If it was in Latin, I would understand what he was saying. But how would I know if he was telling the truth? And if I had found out this, would I have found out from him? Inside, of course, inside me, in the abode of my thoughts, the truth, which does not need either Hebrew, Greek, Latin, or barbarian language 750, would tell me silently, not with tongue or lips: “He speaks the truth,” and I would immediately, in complete confidence, say to Your man: “You speak the truth.” And since I cannot ask him, I ask You, Truth (he spoke the truth, filled with it), I ask You, my God, “do not watch for my sins” 751. You, who gave Your servant to speak these words, let me understand them too. 6. Here is the earth and the sky; they shout that they are created; for they change and their appearance is different. In that which is not created and yet exists, there is nothing in it that did not exist before, i.e. there is no change or difference. They also shout that they did not create themselves: “we exist because we were created: after all, we did not exist until we appeared; and we could not arise by ourselves.” And this voice is confirmed by the very evidence. So, Lord, You created them; You are beautiful, and they are beautiful; You are good, and they are good; You are the Existent, and they exist. They are not as beautiful, not as kind, and not as existing as You, their Creator. Compared to You, they are not beautiful, not kind, and they do not exist 752. We know this and thank You for it; Our knowledge, compared to Your knowledge, is ignorance. 7. How did You create the heavens and the earth, what tools did you use in such a great work? You didn't act like a master who makes one thing with the help of another. His soul can, at its own discretion, give it the appearance that it contemplates in itself with its inner eye. Why can it? Only because You created it. And it gives shape to a substance that already exists in some form, such as earth, stone, wood, gold and the like, and if You had not formed all this, where would it have come from? You gave the Master a body; the soul that controls the members of his body is You; the substance for his work is You; the talent with which he mastered his art and sees with his inner vision what his hands do - You; the bodily sense that explains and conveys to the substance the demand of its soul and informs it of what has been done - You; let her consult the truth that lives in her and guides her whether the work is good. And all this praises You, the Creator of everything. But how do you do it? How, O God, did You create the earth and the sky? You did not create heaven and earth, of course, nor on earth, nor in the air and not on the waters: after all, they are connected with heaven and earth. And You did not create the universe in the universe, for there was no place for it to arise before there was a place for it to be. And You held nothing in Your hand from which You could make heaven and earth. And where could You have a substance that You did not make before, so that you could later make something out of it? Everything that is exists only because You exist. So, You said “and it appeared” and You created it with Your word 753. 8. And how did you say? Is it the same as when Your voice came from the cloud: “This is My beloved Son”? 754 This voice sounded and echoed; spoke and fell silent. The syllables sounded and disappeared: the second after the first, the third after the second, and so on in order until the very last, after which there was silence. From this it is clear that they were produced by the movement of Your creation, temporary 755, but serving Your eternal will - and these words of Yours, spoken in time, were communicated by the outer ear to the mind, which with the inner ear listens to Thy eternal word. And he, comparing those words that sounded in time with Your eternal word, which remains in silence, said: “this is different, completely different, these words are smaller than me, and they don’t exist at all, they run and disappear; the word of my God is above me and remains forever.” 756 So, if with words that sounded and disappeared, You commanded heaven and earth to be, if in this way You created heaven and earth, then it means that before earth and sky there was already a being with a body, whose voice, caused by a temporary effort, swept through time. However, there was no body before the earth and heaven, and if there was, then, of course, You did not create it with a passing voice, in order to later create a transitory one, with which you commanded heaven and earth to appear. What kind of creature was this that could make such a voice? If You had not created it, it would not have existed at all. What word did You say so that a body could appear that spoke these words? 9 . Thus do You call us to understand the Word-God, abiding with God 757; It is eternally pronounced and through Him everything is eternally pronounced. What has been said does not disappear; to say everything, you don’t have to say one thing after another: everything is eternal and at the same time. Otherwise there would be time and changeability - not real eternity and not real immortality. I know this, Lord, and I thank You; I know this, I confess to You, my God, and together with me, everyone who does not remain ungrateful, having learned the undoubted truth, knows this and blesses You. We know, Lord, we know that not to be what one was and to become what one was not is a kind of death and birth. And in Your Word nothing disappears, nothing comes to replace it: it is immortal and eternal. And therefore, by the Word, eternal as You, You simultaneously and eternally say everything you say; everything that You tell to arise arises; You create only with the Word, and, however, everything that You create with the Word does not come into being at the same time and not from eternity. 10. Why, I ask, Lord my God? I somehow see it, but I don’t know how to express it. Perhaps everything that begins to be and ceases to be then begins to be and then ceases when it should begin and cease, and this is known to the eternal mind, in which nothing begins and ceases to be. This mind is Your Word, and He is the beginning, as we are told 758. This is what He says in the Gospel in the voice of the flesh; these words sounded in the outer world for human ears, so that they would believe them, would look for them in their hearts and find them in eternal truth, where He, the good, only Teacher, teaches all His disciples 759. There I hear Your voice, O Lord, saying to me: For He speaks to us, He who teaches us; whoever does not teach, even if he speaks, does not speak for us 760. And who teaches us besides the unshakable, immovable Truth? Even when a changeable being instructs us, his lessons still lead us to the motionless truth, where we truly learn: we stand and listen to him, “we rejoice with joy, hearing the voice of the bridegroom,” and return to where we ourselves come from. That is why He is the “Beginning”: if He had not remained while we wandered, we would have nowhere to return 761. When we return from errors, we, of course, return because we recognized them, and He teaches us to recognize them, for He is the Beginning and tells us. 11. With this beginning You created, O God, heaven and earth - by Your word, by Your Son, by Your power, by Your wisdom, by Your truth: wondrous was Your word and wondrous was Your body. Who will understand this? Who will explain? Why does this flash and strike my heart without causing a wound? I tremble and burn, I tremble in fear: I am so unlike You; I burn, I burn with love: I am so like You. Wisdom, wisdom itself, dawned on me, breaking the fog that again envelops me, powerless from this darkness under the pile of my torment. “So weakened is my strength in poverty” 762 that I cannot bear even my good things until You, Lord, “merciful among all my sins,” “heal all my ailments.” Then You will redeem “my life from destruction”, “crown me with mercy and mercy” and satisfy “my desire with good things”, for “my youth will be renewed like that of an eagle” 763. “By hope we are saved” and “we wait patiently” for Your promises to be fulfilled 764. Let him who can listen to Your words in his heart; I will exclaim, trusting Your prophecy: “How majestic are Your works, O Lord, You have done everything wisely” 765. And Your wisdom is the beginning, and with this beginning You created heaven and earth. 12. Are not those 766 who ask us: “What did God do before he created heaven and earth?” If He was not busy with anything,” they say, “and did not work on anything, why did He not remain in the state of rest for the entire time and henceforth, in which He had been all the time before? If God has a new active desire to create a being that He has never created before, then what kind of eternity is this in which a desire is born that has never existed before? Will, after all, is inherent in God before the beginning of creation: nothing could be created if the will of the Creator did not exist before what was created. The will of God belongs to His very substance. And if something was born in the Divine substance that was not there before, then this substance cannot justly be called eternal; If God’s will to create was eternal, why is His creation not eternal?” 767 13. Those who say this do not yet understand You, the Wisdom of God, which enlightens minds, do not yet understand how that which arose through You and in You arose. They are trying to understand the essence of the eternal, but their heart is still floating in the stream of time and it is still vain. Who would hold and stop him in place: let him stand motionless for a minute, let him catch the reflection of the always motionless shining eternity, let him compare it with time, which never stops. Let it see that they are incomparable: let it see that a long time makes lasting a multitude of passing moments, which cannot help but replace one another; in eternity nothing passes away, but remains as the present in its entirety; Time, like the present, cannot exist in its fullness. Let him see that all the past is supplanted by the future, all the future follows the past, and all the past and future were created by the One who always abides and comes from Him. Whoever would hold the human heart: let him stand motionless and see how motionless abiding eternity, knowing neither the past nor the future, indicates time to be past and future. Is there in my hand the power to describe; Can my tongue tell in words something so great? 14. Here is my answer to the questioner: “What did God do before he created heaven and earth?” I will not answer as they say someone answered, dodging a persistent question with a joke: “he prepared hell for those who inquire about high things.” It is one thing to understand, another to ridicule. I won't answer that way. I would more readily answer: “I don’t know what I don’t know,” but I would not give reason to ridicule the person who asked the high question, and to praise the one who answered with a lie. I call You, our God, the Creator of all creation, and if by the name of heaven and earth we mean everything created, I boldly say: before the creation of heaven and earth, God did nothing. To do meant to create for Him. If only I knew everything I want to know for my benefit, as I know that nothing was created before it was created! 15. And if someone’s frivolous mind wanders among the images of ancient times and wonders why You, Lord Almighty, who created everything and contains everything, the Master who created heaven and earth, did not begin such a great task for countless centuries, then let him awaken and understand that his surprise is in vain. How could countless centuries pass if they had not yet been created by You, the Creator and Founder of all ages? Was there a time not established by You? And how could it pass if it didn’t exist at all? And since You are the doer of all time, then if there was some time before the creation of heaven and earth, then why can we say that You were inactive? You created this very time, and time could not pass until You created time. If there was no time at all before heaven and earth, why ask what You did then. When there was no time, there was no “then.” 16. You were not in time before time, otherwise You would not have been before all time. You were before all the past on the heights of an ever-present eternity, and You rise above all the future: it will be and, having come, it will pass, “You are always the same, and Your years do not end” 769. Your years do not come and do not go, but ours, in order for them all to come, come and go. All Your years are simultaneous and motionless: they stand; those who come do not displace those who go, for they do not pass; our years will be fulfilled when they will not exist at all. “Your years are like one day” 770, and this day comes not every day, but today, for Your today does not give way to tomorrow and does not replace yesterday. Your today is eternity; therefore eternal, like You, Your Son, to whom You said: “Today I have begotten You” 771. You created all time and You existed before all time, and there was no time when there was no time at all. 17. There was never a time when You did not create something; after all, you are the creator of time itself. There is no eternal time like You, for You abid, and if time abided, it would not be time. What is time? Who could explain this simply and concisely? Who could comprehend mentally to speak clearly about this? What, however, do we mention in conversation as something completely familiar and familiar, if not time? And when we talk about it, we, of course, understand what it is, and when someone else talks about it, we also understand his words. What is time? If no one asks me about it, I know what time is; if I wanted to explain to the questioner, no, I don’t know. I insist, however, that I firmly know 772: if nothing passed, there would be no past time; if nothing came, there would be no future time; if there were nothing, there would be no present time. How can there be these two times, past and future, when the past no longer exists and the future does not yet exist? and if the present always remained present and did not go into the past, then it would no longer be time, but eternity; the present turns out to be time only because it goes into the past. How can we say that it exists if the reason for its occurrence is that it will not exist! Are we wrong to say that time exists only because it tends to disappear? 18. And yet we say “a long time”, “a short time” and we say this only about the past and the future. We speak of a period of, for example, a hundred years, both in the past and in the future, as “a long time”; “short time” we will presumably call a period of ten days for the past and future. But how can something that does not exist be long or short? The past is no more, the future is not yet. Let’s not just talk about the past “for a long time,” but let’s say “it was a long time,” and about the future: “it will be a long time.” My God, my Light, will not Your truth laugh at man here too? Did the long past become long when it had already passed, or before, when it was still present? It could be long when there was something that could be long; but the past no longer exists - how long can something that does not exist exist be? Let us not, therefore, say: “the past was long”; We won’t find anything that was long: the past has passed and is no more. Let's put it this way: “this present time was long,” being present, it was long. It had not yet passed, had not disappeared, and therefore it was something that could be long; when it passed, it immediately ceased to be long, because it ceased to exist at all. 19. Let us see, human soul, whether the present can be long; It is given to you to see deadlines and measure them. What will you answer me? Is one hundred years of present time long? Look first, can all hundred years be in the present? If the first year comes from them, then it is the present, and the remaining ninety-nine are the future, they do not exist yet. If the second year begins, then one will be in the past, the other in the present, and the rest in the future. Take, like the present, any year from the middle of this hundred: those that came before it will be the past, after it the future will begin. Therefore, a hundred years cannot be real. Look further: will the year that is coming be in the present? If its first month is underway, then the rest is the future; if the second, then the first is the past, the remaining months do not yet exist. Consequently, the current year is not all in the present, and if it is not all in the present, then the year is not the present. Twelve months make a year; any of them current is the present; the rest are either past or future. And, by the way, the current month is not the present; the present is one day; if he is the first, then the rest are the future; if the last one, then the rest are the past; if any of the averages, it is between the past and the future. 20. So we found that only the present can be called long, and even then reduced to a one-day period. Let us, however, break it down: after all, one day as a whole is not the present. It consists of night and day hours; there are twenty-four of them in total. In relation to the first hour, the rest are the future; in relation to the latter - the past; in relation to any intermediate, those who came before it are the past; those that will come are the future. And this single hour itself is composed of escaping particles: those that have flown away are in the past, those that remain are in the future. The present can only be called that moment in time that cannot be divided even into the smallest parts, but it is so rapidly carried away from the future to the past! There is no duration in it. If it lasted, it would be possible to separate the past from the future; the present does not continue. Where is the time that we call long? Is this the future? We, however, do not say: “it will be long,” because there is nothing yet that can become long, but we say: “it will be long.” When will it be? If in the future, then how can something that does not yet exist become long? if it becomes long when it begins to arise from a future that does not yet exist, becomes present and turns out to be something that can become long, then this present time, in all the words said above, will scream that it cannot be long. 21. And yet, Lord, we understand what time intervals are, we compare them with each other and say that some are longer and others are shorter. We even measure how much longer or shorter one time is than another, and answer that this interval is double or triple that, or that both are equal. We measure, however, time only while it passes, because by measuring we feel it. Is it possible to measure a past that no longer exists, or a future that does not yet exist? Will anyone dare to say that it is possible to measure something that does not exist? While time passes, it can be felt and measured; when it has passed, it is impossible: it is no longer there. 22. I seek, Father, I do not affirm; My God, help me, guide me. Who would dare to say that three times, past, present and future, as we taught as children and as we ourselves taught to children, do not exist; that there is only the present, and those two are not? Or do they exist too? Time, becoming the present from the future, comes out of some hiding place, and the present, becoming the past, goes into some hiding place? Where did those who predicted it see the future, if it does not exist at all? You cannot see something that does not exist. And those who talk about the past would not talk about it truthfully if they did not see it with their mental gaze, but you cannot see something that does not exist at all. Therefore, both the future and the past exist. 23. Let me, Lord, “My Hope” 773, continue to ask, so that my searches do not lead me into confusion. If both the future and the past exist, I want to know where they are. If I am not yet capable of this knowledge, then I still know that wherever they are, they are not the past and the future, but the present. If there the future is the future, then it is not there yet; if the past is the past, it is no longer there. Wherever, therefore, they are, whatever they are, they exist only as the present. And when telling truthfully about the past, people extract from memory not the events themselves - they have passed - but the words suggested by their images: past events, having touched our feelings, imprinted on the soul like their traces. My childhood, for example, no longer exists, it is in the past, which no longer exists, but when I think and talk about it, I see its image in the present, for it is still alive in my memory. Isn't it for a similar reason that people predict the future? From images that already exist, do they foresee something that does not yet exist? I confess, Lord, I don’t know this 774. However, I know for sure that we usually pre-think our future actions, and this preliminary thinking takes place in the present, but the action itself, pre-thought out, does not yet exist: it is in the future. When we begin it and begin to carry out what has been previously thought out, then only the action arises, because then it is no longer in the future, but in the present. 24. How does this mysterious premonition of the future occur? You can only see what is, and what is is no longer the future, but the present. And when they say about the future that they “see” it, they do not see it - the future does not yet exist - but, probably, its causes or signs that are already present. It is not the future, therefore, but the present that appears to the seers, and from it the future that appears to the soul is predicted. These ideas already exist, and those who predict the future peer into them: they live in their minds. Let one example serve as an explanation, but there are many of them. I see the dawn and already announce in advance that the sun will rise. What I see is real; what I declare is the future; in the future, not the sun - it already exists - but its sunrise, which does not yet exist. If I had not imagined this sunrise in my soul, as I imagine it now when I talk about it, I would not have been able to predict it. Neither the dawn that I see in the sky is the sunrise, although it precedes it; nor the imaginary picture of him in my soul; but I see both in the present, and I announce in advance that the sun will rise. The future does not yet exist, and if it does not yet exist, then it does not exist at all, and if it does not exist at all, then it cannot be seen in any way, but it can be predicted based on the present, which already exists and which can be seen 775 . 25. How do You, who rule the world created by You, explain the future to souls? And You explained it to Your prophets. How do you explain the future? You for whom there is no future? or rather, do you explain the future through the present? For what does not exist cannot be explained in any way. My eyes are not so sharp to see how You act, this is beyond my strength, I cannot comprehend it myself, but I can with Your help when You give it, the sweet light of my inner gaze 776. 26. One thing is now absolutely clear: there is no future or past, and it is wrong to talk about the existence of three times, past, present and future. It would, perhaps, be more correct to say this: there are three times - the present of the past, the present of the present and the present of the future. These three times exist in our soul and I don’t see them anywhere else: the present of the past is memory; the present of the present is its direct contemplation; the present of the future is its expectation. If I am allowed to say this, then I agree that there are three times; I admit that there are three of them. Let them even say, as is customary, although this is not correct, that there are three tenses: past, present and future: let them say. This is not my concern now, I don’t argue with it and don’t object; Let only people understand what they are saying and know that there is neither a future nor a past. Words are rarely used in their proper sense; in most cases we express ourselves imprecisely, but we are understood. 27. I talked a little earlier about the fact that we measure time while it passes, and we can say that this period of time is twice as long as another or that they are equal to each other, and in general tell something else about the parts of time we measure. We measure, as I said, time while it passes, and if someone said to me: “How do you know this?”, I would answer him: “I know, because we measure it; We cannot measure what does not exist, and there is no past and future.” How can we measure the present when it has no duration? It is measured, therefore, while it passes; when it has passed, it cannot be measured: there will be nothing that can be measured. But where does time come from, in what way and where does it go while we measure it? Where else if not from the future? Which way? Only through the present. Where else if not to the past? From that, therefore, which does not yet exist; through that which has no duration, to that which no longer exists. What are we measuring if not time in some interval? If we are talking about time: double term, triple, equal to another, etc. in the same way, what are we talking about if not a period of time? In what interval is time measured while it passes? In the future, where does it come from? We cannot measure what does not yet exist. In the present through which it goes? We cannot measure what there is no gap. In the past, where does it go? We cannot measure what no longer exists. 28. My soul burns to understand this most intricate riddle. Do not hide from me, Lord my God, my good Father, I beg You for Christ’s sake, do not hide the solution from me; let us penetrate into this phenomenon, hidden and ordinary, and illuminate it in the light of Your mercy, Lord. Who should I ask about this? To whom should I confess my ignorance with greater benefit, if not You? Who is not burdened by the fire of my flaming zeal over Your Scripture? Give me what I love; Yes, I love, and You gave it to me. Grant, Father - You truly know how to “give good gifts to Your children” 777 - let me know what I am working on, and “it is difficult in my eyes” 778 until You reveal to me. I pray to You for Christ’s sake, in His name, the Holy One among saints, that no one bothers me. “I believe, that’s why I speak” 779. This is my hope; It is for her that I live, “so that I may see the beauty of the Lord” 780. “You have appointed my days to grow old,” 781 and they pass, but how, I don’t know. And we just say: “time and time, times and times”: “how long did he say that”; “how long has he been doing this”; “I haven’t seen this for a long time”; “It takes twice as long to pronounce this syllable as the short one.” We both say it and hear it; we understand and understand us. It is clearer than usual, more common than usual, and it is so dark that to understand it is a discovery. 29. I heard from one learned man that the movement of the sun, moon and stars is time, but I do not agree with this. Why then not consider the movement of all bodies as time? If the heavenly bodies stopped, and the potter's wheel continued to move, then there would not be time by which we would measure its revolutions? Couldn't we say, depending on how the wheel went; evenly, slowing down or speeding up: did these revolutions last longer, and those less? Would we be speaking outside of time by saying this? and there were no long and short syllables in our words? some sounded for a longer time, and others for a shorter time. Lord, let people see in small things the laws common to small and great. There are stars, lamps of heaven, “for signs and seasons of days and years” 782. Yes, there is, but neither I will say that the revolution of this wooden wheel is a day, nor that scientist will be able to say that there is no time here. 30. I want to know the nature and essence of time, by which we measure the movement of bodies and say, for example: “this movement was twice as long as that.” I ask this: day is called not only the time when the sun is above the earth (this determines the difference between day and night), but also the time during which it completes its entire cycle from sunrise to sunrise, according to which we say: “so many days have passed” - this concept of “so many days” includes nights; night time is not calculated separately. A complete day is therefore determined by the movement of the sun and its cycle from sunrise to sunrise, and I ask what a day is: is this movement itself? the period during which it takes place? or both? In the first case, the day would be even one hour, if the sun could complete its journey in such a period of time; on the second there would be no day at all if one sunrise were separated from the other by a short interval of one hour; the sun would have to complete twenty-four revolutions for a full day. In the third case, it is impossible to call a day either the hour-long period during which the sun would complete its full revolution, nor (assuming that the sun stops) the amount of time in which it usually completes its entire circuit from morning to morning. So, I will not ask now what is called a day: I ask what time is, by which we measure the movement of the sun, we say: the sun has completed its journey in a period of time half as short as usual, if it has completed it in a period of twelve hours. Comparing both times, we will say that one is twice as long as the other, and that the sun completes its circuit from sunrise to sunrise, sometimes in one time, sometimes in another, double 783 . Let no one tell me that the movement of celestial bodies is time: when a certain man stopped the sun with prayer in order to finish the battle victoriously, the sun stood, but time passed. The battle lasted and ended in due time 784. So, I see that time is a certain extension. Do I see? Don't I think I see? You will show me this, Light and Truth 785. 31. Are you telling me to confirm that time is the movement of bodies? No, you don't. That any body can move only in time, I hear this. You're telling me this. But that this very movement of the body is time, I do not hear this: it is not You who say this. When a body begins to move, I measure with time how long, from the beginning of the movement to the end of it, it was in motion. And if I did not see from what time the body began to move, but it did not stop moving, and I also did not see when it stopped, then I cannot measure the duration of the movement, except for the time from when I saw this body and before I stopped seeing it. And if I see him for a long time, then I can only declare that a lot of time has passed, without accurately determining its duration, for duration is determined by comparison; for example: “the same period as that one,” or “twice the period,” and so on. If we can mark the place from where the body or its parts begin and end their movement, if it moves as if on a lathe, then we will be able to say how long the movement of the body or part of it from one place to another lasted. And since the movement of a body is one thing, and that by which the duration of this movement is measured is another, then isn’t it clear which should rather be given the name time? And if the body sometimes moves in different ways, and sometimes stops, then we can measure by time not only the movement, but also the stop, and say: “it stood for the same amount of time as it moved” or “it stood twice or three times as long as it moved” and so on, depending on whether our calculation is accurate or approximately: “more”, “less”. Time, therefore, is not the movement of a body. 32. I confess to You, Lord, I still don’t know what time is, but I confess, Lord, something else: I know that I am saying this in time, that I have been talking about time for a long time and that this very “long” is nothing more than a certain period of time. How do I know this, but I don’t know what time is? Or maybe I don’t know how to tell about what I know? Woe is me! I don't even know what I don't know. Behold, my God, I am before You: I do not lie; As I say, so I think. “You will light my lamp, O Lord my God. You will illuminate my darkness" 786. 33. Is it not true that my soul confesses to You that it measures time? Yes, Lord my God, I measure and I don’t know what I measure. I measure the movement of a body with time. And am I not measuring time itself? When I measure how long a body moves and how long it takes to travel from there to here, what am I measuring; if not the time during which the body moves? How should I measure time itself? The longer is the shorter, just like we measure a beam with our elbow? 787 We see that the duration of a short syllable is measured by the duration of a long one: it is said to be twice as long. We measure the length of a poem by the number of verses, the length of a verse by the number of feet, the length of feet by the number of syllables, and the duration of long ones by the duration of short ones. This counting is carried out independently of the pages (otherwise we would measure place, not time), but as the words are spoken and fall silent, we say: “this poem is long; it is compiled to so many verses; the poems are long - there are so many feet in them; the feet are long: they stretch out over so many syllables; the syllable is long, it is twice as long as the short one.” However, there is no exact measure of time here; It may sometimes happen that a shorter verse, but pronounced more drawn out, will take longer than a longer verse, but pronounced quickly. So it is with the whole poem, so with the foot, so with the syllable. That’s why it seems to me that time is nothing more than stretching, but of what? Don't know; perhaps the soul itself 788 . What am I, Lord, measuring, saying either vaguely: “this time is longer than that,” or definitely: “it is twice as long as that.” That I measure time, I know, but I cannot measure the future, because it does not yet exist; I cannot measure the present, because it has no duration; I cannot measure the past, because it no longer exists. What am I measuring? Time that passes but has not yet passed? That's what I said. 34. Be persistent, my soul, strain your thought more: “God is our helper, He created us, and not we ourselves” 789. Pay attention to where the dawn of truth dawns 790. Now, imagine: a human voice begins to sound and sounds and sounds again, but then it falls silent and there is silence: the sound is gone, and the sound is no longer there. It was in the future until it sounded, and it could not be measured, because it did not exist yet, and now it is impossible, because it no longer exists. It was possible when it sounded, because then there was something that could be measured. But even then he did not freeze in immobility: he came and went. Is that why it was possible to measure it? As he passed, he dragged on for a certain period of time, which can be used to measure it: the present, after all, has no duration. If, therefore, it was possible to measure then, then look: another sound begins to sound and it still sounds continuously and monotonously; let's measure it while it sounds. When it stops sounding, it will go away and there will be nothing to measure. Let us measure it accurately and say how long it lasts. But it still sounds, and it can only be measured from the moment it began to sound until it stopped. We, therefore, measure the interval between some beginning and some end. Therefore, a sound that has not yet ceased cannot be measured and said whether it is long or short, equal to another, twice as long, or anything else like that. When he falls silent, he will no longer exist. How can it be measured? And yet we measure time - not that which does not yet exist, and not that which no longer exists, and not that which does not last at all, and not that which has not yet reached its boundaries. We measure, therefore, not future time, not past time; not present, not passing - and yet we measure time. 35. Deus creator omnium (“The Lord is the creator of everything”) - this verse consists of eight syllables, short and long, alternating with each other; there are four short ones: first, third, fifth, seventh; they are single in relation to four long ones: the second, fourth, sixth and eighth. Each long lasts twice as long as each short: I affirm this by pronouncing them: since it is clearly perceived by the ear, it is so. It turns out - if you trust the clarity of my auditory perception - I measure a long syllable with a short one and feel that it is equal to two short ones. But when one sounds after the other, first short, then long, how can I keep the short one, how can I apply it as a measure to the long one, in order to establish: the long one is equal to two short ones. The long one will not begin to sound before the short one has finished sounding. And the long one - do I measure it while it sounds? After all, I measure it only after it’s finished. But when it ends, it disappears. What is it that I am measuring? Where is the short one with which I measure? Where is the long one that I measure? Both sounded, flew away, disappeared, they are no longer there, and I measure and confidently answer (as far as sophisticated hearing can be trusted) that a long syllable is twice as long as a short one, of course, in terms of duration in time. And I can only do this because these syllables have passed and ended. I, therefore, measure not them themselves - they no longer exist - but something in my memory that is firmly fixed in it. 36. In you, my soul, I measure time. Spare me the turbulent objections; save yourself from violent objections in the confusion of your impressions. In you, I say, I measure time. The impression of someone passing by remains in you, and it is what now exists that I measure, and not what passed and left it. This is what I measure by measuring time. This is where, therefore, I do not measure time or time. What then? When we measure silence and say: “this silence lasted as long as this sound lasted,” don’t we mentally strive to measure the sound as if heard, and thus be able to report something about the intervals of silence in time. Silently, without saying a word, we pronounce poems, individual poems, any speech in our minds; we report their sizes, the periods of time occupied by them, and the relationship between these intervals as if we were saying all this out loud. Let's say someone wanted to make a long sound, having previously established its future duration in their mind. He, of course, silently determined this period of time, remembered it and then began to make a sound, which will sound until its due date, or rather, it sounded and will sound: what has already been heard, of course, sounded; the rest will still be heard, and everything will end this way: attention existing in the present transports the future to the past; the future decreases - the past grows; the future disappears completely - and everything becomes the past 791. 37. How does a future that does not yet exist diminish or disappear? How does a past that no longer exists grow? Only because it happens in the soul, and only in it there are three times. She waits, and listens, and remembers: what she waits for passes through what she listens to, and goes to what she remembers. Who will deny that the future does not yet exist? But in my soul there is an expectation of the future. And who will deny that the past no longer exists? But even now there is a memory of the past in my soul. And who will deny that the present is devoid of duration: it passes instantly. Our attention, however, is long-lasting, and it translates into non-existence what appears. Long-term non-future tense - it does not exist; a long future is a long expectation of the future. What lasts is not the past, which does not exist; the long past is a long-lasting memory of the past. 38. I'm going to sing a familiar song; Until I began, my expectation was directed toward her as a whole; when I begin, then as this expectation breaks off and goes into the past, my memory rushes there too. The force put into my action is dispersed between the memory of what I said and the expectation of what I will say. My attention is focused on the present, through which the future is transported to become the past. The further and further the action moves, the shorter the waiting becomes and the longer the memory, until finally the waiting disappears altogether: the action is over; it's all in memory now. What happens to the whole song happens to every particle and every syllable; the same thing happens with long-term action, of which perhaps this song is a particle; the same is with all human life, which is composed, as if from parts, from human actions; the same with all the centuries lived by the “sons of men,” which are composed, as if from parts, from all human lives. 39. But since “Your mercy is better than life” 792, then this is my life: it is continuous dispersion, and “Your right hand has caught me” 793 in my Lord, the Son of Man, the mediator between You, the One, and us, the many, who live in many and many things; “may I reach through Him, as He reached me” 794. Having left the old man and gathered myself together, let me follow one. “Forgetting the past,” not scattered in thoughts about the future and the transitory, but concentrating on what is in front of me, not absent-mindedly, but with concentration, “I will go to the victory of the calling from above” and I will hear “the voice of praise and I will contemplate Your beauty,” 795 which does not appear and does not disappear. Now “my years pass in groaning” 796 and You are my consolation, Lord; You are my eternal Father, but I fell into a time 797 whose structure is unknown to me; my thoughts, the very core of my soul, are torn to shreds by its noisy diversity, until I merge with You, purified and melted in the fire of Your love. 40. Then I will rise and be established in You, in my image 798, in Your truth. I will no longer tolerate the questions of people who are punished by morbid thirst: they want to drink more than they can contain. They ask: “What did God do before the creation of the world?” or: “Why did it occur to Him to do something if He had never done anything before?” Let them, Lord, properly understand what they are saying, let them discover that where there is no time, one cannot say “never.” To say about someone: “he never did” is to say: “he did not do in time.” Let them see that there can be no time if there is no created 799 ; and let them stop the idle talk. Let them turn to what is “in front of them”; let them understand that before all time there is You, the eternal Creator of all times, that before You there was neither time nor creatures, even if there are supra-temporal ones 800. 41. Lord my God, in what depths are Your secrets hidden and how far from them the consequences of my sins have thrown me. Heal my eyes, so that I may rejoice in Your light. If there is a soul, strong with great knowledge and foresight, to which the entire past and future is familiar, just like a song that is perfectly familiar to everyone, then this is an amazing soul, one that plunges one into sacred awe: after all, neither what has passed nor what still remains in the centuries is hidden from it, just as it is not hidden from me, when I sing this song, what and how much of it has already been sung, what and how much remains to the end. May it not occur to me that You, the organizer of the universe, the organizer of souls and bodies, may it not occur to me that You know the whole future and the past to the same extent. You comprehend it much, much more wonderfully and much more mysteriously. When someone sings a familiar song and listens to it, their mood changes in anticipation of future sounds and when remembering past ones, and different feelings arise. Not so with You, the unchangeably eternal, truly eternal Creator of minds. And just as You knew “in the beginning heaven and earth,” 801 by Your unchanging knowledge, so You created heaven and earth in the beginning by Your single action. Whoever understands this, let him praise You, and whoever does not understand, let him praise You! ABOUT! at what heights are you! And the hearts of the humble are Your house 802. “You raise up the downtrodden” 803, and those whom You have raised up do not fall. My heart grieves greatly, Lord, in this poverty of my life, when the words of Your Holy Scripture knock on it. Broadcast speech usually covers up the poverty of the human mind; the quest is more eloquent than the discovery, the request takes longer to satisfy, the knocking hand is more burdened than the receiving one. We have a promise: who will pervert it? “If God is for us, who can be against us?” 804 – “Ask and you will receive, seek and you will find, knock and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened.”805 These are Your promises, and who will be afraid of deception when the Truth promises? 2. I confess to Your height the insignificance of my tongue: You created heaven and earth - this is the sky that I see, and the earth that I trample; from it is this earth that I carry. 806 You created this. Where, however, Lord, is the heaven of heavens, about which we heard in the psalm: “The heaven of heavens is to the Lord; And He gave the land to the sons of men"? 807. Where is this sky that we do not see, in front of which all we see is the earth? This valley world in its integrity - it is, however, not whole everywhere 808 - received such beauty in its most recent creations. And, however, before that “heaven of heavens” even the sky above our earth is earth. And these two large bodies 809 are really earth in comparison with that unknown heaven, which belongs to the Lord, and not to the “sons of men.” 3. This land “was invisible and unsettled” 810; I don’t know what kind of deep abyss it was, over which there was no light: it was devoid of any appearance, which is why you ordered to write: “darkness was over the abyss.” What does this mean if not the absence of light? 811 Where would the light be if there was one? He would be above everything and illuminate everything. And since there was no light yet, what does the presence of darkness mean if not the absence of light? Above the abyss, therefore, there was darkness, for under it there was no light; It’s like with sound: where there is no sound, there is silence. What does “there is silence there” mean? The fact that there are no sounds. Was it not You, Lord, who instructed this soul that is confessing to You? Was it not You, Lord, who instructed me: before 812 You gave form and beauty 813 to this formless matter, there was nothing: no color, no outline, no body, no spirit. And yet it was not complete “nothing”: it was something formless, devoid of any form. 4. What name should we call this “nothing” so that even the least sharp minds can get some idea about it? In some ordinary word, of course. And what in all parts of the universe is there closer to the complete absence of form than the earth and the abyss? Being at the lowest level of creation, they are correspondingly less beautiful than all the luminous and sparkling bodies above. Why, to designate formless matter, which You created at first without any form, in order to then create a world from it, beautiful in appearance, do not I take words so familiar to people as “the invisible and unsettled earth”? 814 5. When thought seeks in this matter what is accessible to the mind in it, it says to itself: “This is not something abstract, like life, like justice, for it is bodily matter, but it is not perceptible sensually, for in the “invisible and unsettled” nothing can be seen or perceived.” When human thought tells itself this, then what does its attempts amount to? To know without understanding, or not to understand while knowing? 6. But I, Lord, would like to confess to You with my mouth and my pen everything that You have taught me about this matter! I had heard its name before without understanding its essence, and people told me about it who also did not understand it 815. I imagined it in my mind in an infinite variety of forms and, therefore, did not imagine it. My soul was spinning among randomly mixed, disgusting and terrible forms, but forms nonetheless. I called formless not something that was devoid of any form, but had one from which, if it had appeared with my own eyes, my feelings would have turned away as if it were unusual and absurd, and I, due to human weakness, would have been confused. What I mentally imagined was formless, not due to the absence of any form, but in comparison with more beautiful forms. Common sense urged me to strip away every remnant of form if I wanted to mentally imagine the formless 816; but I couldn't. I would rather consider something devoid of any form to simply not exist than to mentally imagine something between form and “nothing”: something without form, but not “nothing” either, - almost formless “nothing”. My mind then stopped interrogating my imagination, full of images of bodies that had a form, which it arbitrarily changed and diversified. I directed my attention to the bodies themselves, looked deeper into their variability: what they were disappears, and what they were not appears. I began to suspect that this very transition from one form to another takes place through something formless 817, not through complete “nothing” - and I wanted to know, and not just suspect. If my voice and style were to confess to You all that You have unraveled for me in this matter, which of my readers would have the patience to think it all over? However, my heart will not cease to give You honor and sing praises for what it is not able to tell. So, the changeable, by virtue of its very changeability, is capable of taking all forms 818 through which, changing, the changeable passes. What is it? Soul? Body? Some kind of soul or body? If it were possible to say about it: “nothing that is something” and “there is something that is not,” I would say so 819. And yet it was somehow there, so that what was visible and arranged could come into being. 7. Where did this “somehow was” come from, if not from You, from Whom everything that exists, insofar as it exists? Only the more dissimilar it is from You, the further it is from You 820 - and we’re not talking about space here. Lord, You are not now one thing, now another, now one way, now another: You are always the same, the same, the same 821 - holy, holy, holy, Lord Almighty, You created something out of “nothing” 822, a beginning that is from You, by Your Wisdom, born from Your substance. You did not create heaven and earth from Your substance: otherwise Your Creation would have been equal to Your Only Begotten Son, and through Him to You. In no way should you allow that which did not come from You to be equal to You. And besides You, God, One Trinity and Trinity Unity, there was nothing from which You could create the world. You created heaven and earth out of “nothing,” something great and something small, for You are omnipotent and good and therefore created everything good: the great sky and the small earth. There was You and “nothing”, from which You created heaven and earth: two bodies, one close to You, the other close to “nothing”; one over which You abide; another with nothing underneath. 8. “The heaven of heavens” is Yours, O Lord; But the land that You gave to the “sons of men,” which can be seen and touched, was not the same as what we now see and touch. It was invisible and unsettled: it was an abyss over which there was no light: “darkness covered the abyss,” i.e. was even greater than in the abyss. In the abyss of the waters, which have already become visible, even at depth there is a kind of light, somehow felt by fish and reptiles crawling along the bottom; at that time everything as a whole was almost “nothing”, because it was completely formless and, however, could already take shape. But You, Lord, created the world from formless matter 823, which, almost “nothing,” you created from “nothing” in order to create from this something great, at which we, the sons of men, are amazed. So amazing is this visible sky, this firmament between water and water, to which You said on the second day after the creation of light: “Let it be” - and it became so. This firmament You called heaven, but heaven for this earth and sea, which You created on the third day, giving a visible appearance to the formless matter created until all days. And You created the heavens to all days, but only “the heavens of these heavens,” for in the beginning You created the heavens and the earth. This earth, created by You, was formless matter, was “invisible, unstructured, and darkness was over the abyss.” From this invisible and unsettled earth, from this formless, this almost “nothing” You created everything that this changeable world consists of, but it does not stand, it is the embodiment of variability itself. It allows one to feel time and keep track of it, for time is created by the change of things 824: the material for which the mentioned “invisible earth” served as the material is varied in the change of appearance. 9 . Therefore, the Spirit, who teaches Your servant, reminding You that You created heaven and earth in the beginning, is silent about time, and does not say a word about days. And indeed, the “heaven of heavens” that You created in the beginning is the spiritual world 825. He is in no way eternal, like You, Trinity, but is still involved in Your eternity. In the sweet happiness of contemplating You, he does not allow himself to change. Knowing no falls, clinging to You from the very time of his creation, he is outside the circular change of sliding time. And this formless something, “the invisible and unsettled earth,” was also outside of time. Where there is no appearance, no order, where nothing comes and goes, there are, of course, no days, no change of times. 10. O truth, light of my heart, let not my darkness speak to me! I slipped into it and was enveloped in darkness, but even there, even there, I loved You so much. I wandered and remembered You. “I heard Your voice behind me” 826 and the order to return, but I barely heard it in the scrum of those who do not know the world 827 . And now, sweating, panting, I return to Your source. Let no one drive me away: I will drink from it, I will live from it. May I not find my life in myself: I lived poorly in myself, I was death to myself: in You I come to life. Talk to me, instruct me. I have believed Your books, but their words are a great mystery. 11. You have already told me, Lord, with a loud voice in my inner ear, that You are eternal, “the only one who has immortality,” 828 for You do not change either in appearance or in movement, 829 and Your will does not differ in time. A will that desires now one thing and now another cannot be immortal. This is clear to me “before Your face” 830 and may it become clearer, I ask You, more and more: may I abide in this revelation humbly under Your wings. You also told me, Lord, with a loud voice in my inner ear, that all creatures and all substances that are not like You, but which still exist, were created by You; only that which does not exist is not from You. The deviation of the will from You, the Existing One, to that which exists flawedly 831 is also not from You; such deviation is an offense and a sin, but no one’s sin harms You and does not destroy order in Your Kingdom, neither in heaven nor on earth. This is clear to me “before Your face” and may it become clearer, I ask You, more and more; May I abide in this revelation humbly under Your wings. 12. You also told me, Lord, with a loud voice in my inner ear, that those creatures for whom You are the only joy are not eternal. Reveling in You in unshakable purity, nowhere and never revealing their variability, always in Your presence, tied to You with all love, not expecting the future, not sending memories into the past, they are not subject to changes of change and are not scattered in time 832. Blessed are these creatures who participate in Your bliss, blessed because You dwell with them forever and enlighten them. I don’t know what would be more accurate to call “the heaven of heavens for the Lord,” if not this abode of Thy, these pure minds, united and in harmony, contemplating Thy sweetness in the indestructible world of holy spirits, without a single inclination to leave—these citizens of Thy city in the heavens above our heaven. 13. Now let the soul, which its journey has taken far, understand, what if it thirsts for You and if “tears have become its bread, when they say to it daily: “Where is Your God”?; if she asks “You alone and alone seeks” - to settle “in Your house for all the days of her life” (and what is her life, if not You? And what are Your days, if not eternity, like “Thy years that are not exhausted,” for “You are always the same” 833) - let the soul that can do this understand how high You stand, the Eternal, above all times, if even those who dwell in Your dwelling and those who have not gone to wander, although not eternal like You, do not know the change of times, being in continuous and inseparable communication with You. This is clear to me “before Your face” and may it become clearer, I ask You, more and more; May I, having received this revelation, abide humbly under Your wings. 14. I don’t know what formless matter arises during changes in the most recent and lowest. And who will dare to tell me, except a person who wanders and spins in the emptiness of his heart among the creatures of his own imagination - who, except such a person, will dare to tell me that a change of times is possible with the diminishment and complete disappearance of all form, when only formless matter remains, which allows one form to change and pass into another? This is completely impossible, because without variety in movement there is no time, and where there is no form, there is no variety. 15. Thinking about this, my God, since You allow, because You encourage me to knock and because You open to the one who knocks, I found that You have created two worlds where there is no time, although neither of them is eternal, like You: one is designed in such a way that in unflagging contemplation, in constant immutability, although changeable, but unchangeable, he enjoys Your eternity and immutability; the other was so formless that there was nothing in it that could pass from one form of movement or rest to another, that is, there was nothing that was subject to time. You did not leave this world formless, for before every day you created “in the beginning the heavens and the earth,” 834 these two worlds of which I spoke. “The earth was invisible and unsettled, and darkness was upon the face of the deep.” These words suggest the concept of formlessness and make it possible to gradually 835 understand their meaning to people who cannot imagine that even in the absence of any form there is something. From this formless matter arose another sky and earth, visible and structured, and water with its beauty, and in general everything mentioned during the further structure of the world with the indication of days: all this, in its properties, is subject to the change of times due to ordered changes in movement and form. 16. This is what has become clear to me so far, my God, when I hear Your Scripture say: “In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth, but the earth was invisible and unstructured, and darkness was upon the face of the deep,” without mentioning on what day You created this. It has now become clear to me that this is talking about the “heaven of heavens,” the “reasonable sky,” where the mind is given the ability to know everything at once, and not partially, not “in a riddle,” not “in a mirror,” but completely, in revelation, “face to face” 836; not to know one thing, then another, but, as has been said, everything at once, without any change of times. The days are not mentioned because the earth, invisible and unsettled, was beyond any change of times, which determined the possibility of one thing or another: where there is no form, there is nowhere “this” and “the other”. Meaning, on the one hand, something originally organized, on the other – completely formless: that sky, but “the heaven of heavens” and this earth, but the invisible and unorganized earth. Your Scripture, as it has now become clear to me, says, without mentioning days: “in the beginning God created the heavens and the earth,” and immediately adds which earth it is talking about 837. By mentioning that on the second day the firmament, called heaven, was created, it makes it clear what kind of heaven was discussed earlier, without specifying the days. 17. Amazing is the depth of Your words! Here is their surface before us,” she smiles at the children, but their depth is amazing. My God, amazing depth! you look at her with trepidation, with awe of respect and trembling of love. I vehemently hate the enemies of Scripture. Oh, that you would destroy them with a two-edged sword, so that they would not be his enemies. So I want them to die for themselves, so that they can live by You! 838 Here are others: they do not attack, they praise the book of Genesis and say: “the Spirit of God, who wrote these words through his servant Moses, did not speak these words in the sense in which you interpret them, but in another sense, as we interpret them.”839 Taking You as mediator, Lord of us all, I answer them like this: 18. You will perhaps say that what the Truth said to me with a loud voice in my inner ear is false: the Creator is truly eternal; His substance does not change in any way over time. Is his will fused with his substance? And therefore He does not want one thing or another; what He wants, He wants once and for all, and not in different ways: now this, then that, then he wants what he did not want, and does not want what he wanted before. Such a will is a changeable will, and everything changeable is not eternal: “But our God is eternal” 840. You will also consider as a lie what the Truth told me in the inner ear: the expectation of what will come becomes contemplation when it has come; and this contemplation becomes a memory when the expected has passed; mental activity, so diverse, is changeable, and because of this variability is not eternal. "Our God is eternal." I collect these thoughts, unite them and find that my God, the eternal God, did not founded the world according to some new desire, and that there is nothing transitory in the knowledge of it. 19. What say you, debaters? is this a lie? “No,” they say. What else? Is it not true that all nature that has taken form, and all matter that is capable of taking form, received its existence only from Him, who is fully good, because He is fully Existent. “And we don’t deny this.” What else? Do you deny that there are some high creatures united by pure love with the true and truly eternal God? Although they are not eternal, like Him, they do not move away from Him and do not slip into the motley change of times, but rest in the true contemplation of Him, the One, for to them who love You as You teach, You, God, reveal Yourself, and that is enough for them: they do not deviate either from You or towards themselves 841. This is the “house of God,” not earthly, not made of dense heavenly mass, but spiritual, participating in Your eternity, for it is without spot forever. You established it “for ever and ever,” “you have laid down a law for it,” and “it shall not pass away” 842. He, however, is not eternal, like You, having a beginning: after all, he was created. 20. And we will not find time before the creation of this house, for “first of all was wisdom created” 843 - not that Wisdom, of course, which is eternal to You, our Father, our God, and equal to You and with which everything was created; that Beginning, by which “Thou didst create the heavens and the earth,” and created wisdom, i.e. rational nature, which became light from the contemplation of light 844. And it, although created, is called wisdom, but just as the light that illuminates is different from the light that is reflected, so the wisdom that creates is different from that which is created; how the truth that justifies differs from the truth restored by justification. And it is said about us that we are justified by You. Your servant says: “so that in Him we may become righteous before God” 845. So, “first of all was wisdom created” - intelligent spirits were created and abiding in Your pure city, with our mother, who is “above, free and eternal in heaven” 846. In what kind of heavens, if not in those that praise You, in the heaven of heavens, which is “the heaven of the heavens of the Lord”? And we will not find time before this wisdom, because it preceded the creation of time, for “before all things was created.” Before her, however, there was the eternal Creator himself, from whom she received the beginning, although not in time, for there was no time yet, the beginning of her own existence. 21. So, it is from You, our God, this world, completely different from You, having no independent existence. Not only was there no time before him, but there is no time in him either, for he is able to always look at Your Face, never turning away from it. Therefore, there is no change or change in it, although variability is characteristic of it; which could have enveloped him in darkness and cold, if he had not been connected with You by great love, with which, by Your mercy, it shines and burns like eternal noon. Oh, bathed in light, beautiful abode! “I have loved your beauty and the place where glory dwells” 847 my Lord, your builder and owner. I sigh for you on my journey 848 and say to the One who created you: let him rule over me there too, for He created me too. “I have wandered like a lost sheep,” 849 but my shepherd, your creator, I hope, will bring me on his shoulders to you. 22. I address you, disputants, who recognize, however, that Moses is a pious servant of God and his books are dictated by the Holy Spirit. What do you tell me? Isn’t this the abode of God, not eternal, true, like God, but in its measure “eternal in heaven” 850, where you look in vain for the change of times: you will not find it. She rose above the entire duration of time, above all its circulation; there it is always “good to cling to God” 851. “Yes, she is,” they say. What is it about which my heart “cryed out to my God,” hearing within Him “the voice of praise” 852 that you claim is not true? The existence of formless matter, completely disordered due to the absence of any form? But in the absence of any order there could be no change of times. And, however, this “almost nothing” (since it was not absolutely “nothing”) was, of course, from the One from Whom everything that is is, insofar as it somehow exists. “And this,” they say, “we do not deny.” 23. I want to talk about something - before You, Lord - with those who recognize as truth everything about which in my soul, inside, Your Truth has not been silent. Those who deny it, let them bark to themselves as much as they want, deafening themselves. I will try to convince them: let them calm down and make way for Your word to come to them. If they do not want this and push me away, I pray to You, my God, “do not be silent away from me” 853. Speak with all the truth in my heart, - only You will speak so, - I will drive them out: let them raise dust with their breath and fill their eyes with it 854; let me enter “my room” 855 and sing to you a song of love, groaning “with unspeakable lamentations” 856 on my journey. And remembering Jerusalem, I will ascend with all my heart to you, Jerusalem, my fatherland, Jerusalem, my mother, and to You, who reigns in it and enlightens it, father, guardian, husband, to its pure and strong delights, to lasting joy, to all its untold blessings, to all together, for You are the only true and highest good. May I not turn away from You until You place me in her peace, the peace of my dear mother, where the firstfruits of my spirit are 857, from where all my reliable knowledge comes; until you gather me, scattered, transform me, ugly, and establish me in eternity, my God, my Mercy. With those who do not declare all these truths to be lies, who honor Your holy books, written by Moses, the holy man, and together with us place them above all the authorities that should be followed, but nevertheless object to us in some ways, I will talk like this. You, our God, be the mediator between my confession and their objections. 24. They say: “This is the truth, but this is not what Moses meant when, according to the revelation of the Spirit, he said, “In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.” By the name of heaven he did not designate that spiritual, intelligent world, which always contemplates the face of God, and by the name of earth he did not designate formless matter.” - "And what?" “What we say is what this great man also understood, and he expressed it in those words.” - “What exactly?” “By the name of earth and heaven, he first wanted to designate, generally and briefly, this entire visible world, so that then, when mentioning days, he would distribute, as if dividing into parts, everything that he wanted to announce to the Holy Spirit. The people who made up that rude, carnal people with whom he spoke were such that, in his judgment, only the visible creations of God could be shown to them.” They agree, however, that the invisible and unstructured earth and the dark abyss (it is consistently shown how from this in those days everything visible and generally known was created and structured) can, without falling into contradictions, be considered precisely formless matter. 25. What then? Someone will say that the name earth and sky for this most formless and chaotic matter was first suggested by the fact that this visible world with all the creatures that have received a completely distinct appearance in it, created from it and brought to perfection, is usually called “earth and sky”? Further? Someone else will say that earth and heaven are a suitable name for the visible and invisible nature, since it covers in these two words everything that God created by Wisdom, i.e. The beginning. Everything, however, was created not from the Divine substance itself, but from “nothing”: creation does not have an independent existence, like God, and it is inherent in a certain variability, whether it remains, like God’s eternal abode, or changes, like the soul and body of a person. Common to everything created, invisible and visible, matter, still formless, but capable of taking form, matter from which the earth and sky will be created, i.e. invisible and visible creatures that have already taken form, and are designated by these names: “the invisible and unsettled earth and darkness upon the abyss.” There is only this difference: by “the invisible and unsettled earth” one should understand bodily matter, not yet formed, and by “darkness over the abyss” - spiritual matter before the limit of its excessive vagueness was set and it was illuminated by wisdom. 26. You can, perhaps, if you wish, say that “earth and sky” designate the invisible and visible natures even before they receive a perfect form. When we read: “in the beginning God created heaven and earth,” these words also call the formless outline of the world, matter capable of taking shape and serving as material for creation: the world was already in it, but in a chaotic state 858, without distinction in qualities and forms: ordered and harmonious, it is called heaven and earth: the first is the spiritual world, the second is the physical 859. 27. After hearing all this and thinking about it, I don’t want to “argue about words; it does not bring any benefit, but only upsets those listening" 860. For exhortation there is a “good law, if someone uses it lawfully”: “The purpose of exhortation is love from a pure heart and a good conscience and unfeigned faith” 861. Our Teacher knew to which two commandments the whole law and the prophets could be traced. I confess them with fervor. My God, the light of my eyes in the darkness. What then will hinder me if these words can be understood in different ways? Their truth is undeniable. What, I say, will hinder me if I understand the writer differently than another understands? All of us who read, of course, try to assimilate and follow what the one we are reading wanted to say. Believing in his truthfulness, we do not dare to think that he was telling a deliberate lie. And if everyone tries to understand the thoughts of the writer himself in the Holy Scriptures, then what is wrong if he sees in them what You, the Light of all truthful minds, show him as the truth? Even if the person he was reading had something else in mind. And he understood what the truth was, although he understood it differently. 28. Truly, Lord, You created the heavens and the earth. It is true that the Beginning is Your Wisdom, with which “You created everything” 862. It is also true that in this visible world there are two large parts: heaven and earth; this short designation covers all created beings. It is true that everything that changes suggests to us the thought of something formless that can take shape, change and become different. It is true that what is not subject to time is so fused with an unchangeable form that even though it is changeable, it does not change. It is true that for the formless, which is almost “nothing,” there can be no change of times. It is true that the substance from which an object is made can, in a figurative sense, receive its name from the object made from it; therefore, it was possible to call “heaven and earth” any formless matter from which heaven and earth were created. It is true that of all that has taken form, the earth and the abyss are closest to the formless. It is true that not only what was created and took form, but everything that could be created and could take form, was created by You, “from Whom are all things” 863 . It is true that everything that received form from the formless was first formless and then acquired form. 29. Of all the truths that are not doubted by those whose inner eye You have given to see it and who unshakably believes that Moses, Your servant, spoke “in the spirit of truth,” - of all these truths, one chooses for himself the words “in the beginning God created the heavens and the earth” and interprets them as follows: “By His Word, eternal as He Himself, God created the intelligible world and the sensible world, i.e. spiritual and physical." Another, saying “in the beginning, God created heaven and earth,” understands this differently: “By His Word, eternal as He Himself, God created the entire vastness of this corporeal world with everything that we see and know on it”; the third, saying “in the beginning God created heaven and earth,” understands this even differently: “with His word, eternal, like Himself, God created formless matter for the spiritual and physical world.” The fourth, saying “in the beginning God created heaven and earth,” understands it even differently: “with His word, eternal as He Himself, God created formless matter for the corporeal world, where both heaven and earth were still mixed, which now, as we see, have received their place and their form in the vastness of this world.” The fifth, saying “in the beginning God created heaven and earth,” understands it this way: “at the very beginning of His work, God created formless matter, which contained heaven and earth mixed; Having received the form, they moved out of it and appeared with everything they had on them.” 30. The same applies to the understanding of the following words: “the earth was invisible and disordered, and darkness was over the deep.” Of all the correct interpretations, one chooses this: “that corporeal thing that God created was still formless matter for corporeal beings, disordered and not illuminated.” Another: “The earth was invisible and unsettled, and darkness was over the deep” - this means: everything that is called heaven and earth was still formless and dark matter, from which our heaven and our earth were created with everything that is cognizable on them by the bodily senses.” Third: “The earth was invisible and disordered, and darkness was upon the face of the deep,” this means: everything that was called heaven and earth was still formless and dark matter, from which arose the intelligible heaven—in another place it is called the “heaven of heavens”—and the earth, i.e. everything corporeal, including our earthly heaven; in other words, we mean the matter from which the entire visible and invisible world arose.” Another interpretation: “the earth was invisible and unsettled, and darkness was over it”: “The Scripture did not call this formless matter by the name of heaven and earth; “The invisible and unsettled earth and the dark abyss” it refers to that formless, already existing, from which, as the Scripture said earlier, God created heaven and earth, that is, the spiritual and physical worlds.” There is another interpretation: “the earth was invisible and unsettled, and darkness was over the deep,” i.e. something formless was already matter from which God, as said earlier in Scripture, created heaven and earth, i.e. the entire corporeal world mass, divided into two huge parts, upper and lower, with everything that is created on them, known and familiar 864. 31. To the last two opinions, someone would probably try to object like this: “if you do not want to call this formless matter “heaven and earth,” then it means that there was something that God did not create in order to create heaven and earth from it. Scripture does not talk about God’s creation of this matter, but we can think that when it was said: “in the beginning God created heaven and earth,” then with the words “heaven and earth” or with one word “earth” it was precisely this that was designated, and although in the following words “the earth was invisible and unstructured,” Scripture was pleased to call formless matter so, but by it one can understand only that which God created; It is written about her above: “he created heaven and earth.” The defenders of those two opinions that I cited last, or either one or the other, when they hear this, will answer this way: “we do not deny that this formless matter was created by God, God, from Whom “everything is very good,” but we will say that what is created in a certain form is much better, and we recognize as less good, although good, that which only has the ability to take a certain form. Scripture did not mention that God created this formless matter, just as it did not mention many other things, for example, cherubim, seraphim and all those whom the apostle separately calls: “thrones, dominions, principalities, powers” ​​865: they were all undoubtedly created by God. If the words “he created the heavens and the earth” cover everything created, then what about the waters “over which the Spirit of God hovered”? 866 If the word “earth” also means water, then how can we accept the name “earth” for formless matter when we see how beautiful the waters are? And if this is accepted, then why is it written that the firmament was created from this very formless matter and was called heaven, but nothing is written about the creation of waters? They are not formless and not hidden from view; we see how beautiful they are in their flow. If they received this beauty when God said: “Let the waters that are under the firmament be gathered together,” and in this gathering they took shape, then what to answer about the waters that are above the firmament? formless, they would not deserve such an honorable place, but what word gave them form is not written about. Therefore, if Genesis is silent about some of God’s creations (and neither right faith nor sound reason will dispute that they were created by God), then not a single sound doctrine will dare to say that these waters are eternal, like God, on the basis that they are mentioned in the book of Genesis, but we will not find an indication when they were created. Why shouldn’t we consider this formless matter, which Scripture calls “the invisible and unsettled and dark abyss,” as the truth teaches, created by God out of “nothing,” and therefore not eternal, like Him, although in this story the message about the time of its creation is missing? 867 32. Having listened to these objections and thought about them, as far as my weak strength is sufficient (this weakness I confess to You, Lord, although You know it), I see the following: since some messages are communicated by truthful messengers with the help of symbols, disagreements of a twofold nature may arise here: first, regarding the truth of the story; secondly, there is disagreement about what the messenger himself wanted to communicate. One thing is to find out what is true in the story of the creation of the world, and another thing is to understand what kind of understanding of these words Moses, this wonderful servant of Your faith, wanted in his listeners and readers. As for doubts of the first kind, away from me are all who accept lies as true knowledge. As for doubts of the second kind, away from me are all who think that Moses spoke a lie. I want to be in You, Lord, together with those who feed on Your truth in the fullness of love, and with them rejoice in You. Let us approach the words of Your book together and look for Your intention in them through the intention of Your servant, whose pen You commissioned to communicate these words. 33. But which of us will discover precisely this intention among so many truths, which, however, allow for different interpretations? Who will say with the same confidence: “This is what Moses thought, and he wants this story to be understood in this sense...” with what confidence does he say, “This story is true, no matter whether Moses thought this way or that way?” Behold, Lord, “I am Thy servant”; I have offered You this confession as a sacrifice and I ask, by Your mercy, to “fulfill my vows” 869; Can I say with the same confidence that I say that with Your word, which knows no change, you created everything, visible and invisible, I can say that Moses had nothing else in mind when he wrote: “In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth”? And if I see in the light of Your truth the faithfulness of this, then do I also see in his mind the thoughts with which he wrote this? He could, having said “in the beginning,” mean: “at the very beginning of creation”; could have wanted “earth and heaven” to be understood in this place not as nature, both spiritual and physical, which had already received form and completion, but as some still formless beginning of both. I see that both of these interpretations may be correct, but what exactly Moses meant when he wrote these words I do not see with the same clarity. For me, one thing is certain: whether such an interpretation or some other, not seen by me, appeared to the mind of this great man when he uttered these words, but he saw the truth and proclaimed it in an appropriate way. 34. Let no one bother me by saying, “Moses did not think as you say; he thought as I say.” If they told me: “How do you know that Moses thought exactly the way you interpret his words?”, then I would have to listen to it calmly; I would have answered, perhaps, in the same way as I answered above, and even a little more extensively, if the interlocutor had not given up immediately. But when they say to me: “He did not think as you say, but as I say,” recognizing at the same time that my words are correct - O Life of the poor, my God, in whose bosom there is no contradiction, rain meekness into my heart so that I can patiently endure such people 870 - they speak to me this way, not because they are inspired from above and have seen in the heart of Your servant what they say, but because they are proud; they do not know the thoughts of Moses, they love their own, not because it is true, but because it is their own. Otherwise, they would equally love someone else’s true thought, just as I love their words when they speak the truth - I love them not because they are their words, but because they are the truth, and since it is the truth, then it is no longer their property. If they loved their words, because they contain truth, these words would become their property and mine, for the truth is shared by all who love the truth. I reject their assertion that Moses thought not as I say, but as they say, it is disgusting to me, even if it is so: this courage does not come from knowledge, but from audacity; it was not vision that gave birth to it, but arrogance. Therefore, Lord, we must tremble before Your judgment: Your truth does not belong to me or anyone else, but to all of you whom You call to open communication in it. And Your warning is formidable: do not hold it as property, so as not to lose it. Anyone who demands only for himself what You have offered to everyone, who wants to make his own what belongs to everyone, is driven away from the common property to his own, i.e. from truth to lies, for whoever “speaks a lie speaks his own” 871. 35. Listen, most kind Judge, God, Truth itself, listen to what I say to this debater, listen; I speak after all before You and before my brothers, who “use the law lawfully” 872, completing it in love. Listen and see if you like what I tell him. I will address him with a brotherly and peaceful word: “If we both see that what you say is the truth, and we both see that what I say is the truth, then where, please tell me, do we see it? Of course, neither I am in you, nor you are in me, but both are in that unchangeable Truth that is higher than our mind. If we do not argue about this light that comes from the Lord our God, why should we argue about the thoughts of our neighbor if we cannot see them as we see the unchanging truth. If Moses himself appeared to us and said: “This is what I thought,” then we would not see his thoughts, but would believe him. Therefore, “not beyond what is written, and one should not exalt himself over another” 873. Let us love “the Lord our God with all our heart, with all our soul and with all our mind, and our neighbor as ourselves” 874. For the sake of these two commandments of love, Moses changed his mind about everything he had changed his mind in these books. If we do not believe him, then we will make the Lord a liar, assuming His servant has intentions other than those in which the Lord instructed him. See how stupid it is, with such an abundance of indisputably true thoughts that can be extracted from these writings, to recklessly assert what exactly was the main thought of Moses, and by dangerous disputes to insult the very love in whose name everything is said to those whose words we are trying to explain. 36. And yet, my God, You who lift me up; the humble, you give rest to the laboring, You, Who listen to my confession and forgive my sins, You command me to love my neighbor as myself. Therefore, I cannot believe that Moses, Your most faithful servant, received from You a gift less than what I would have asked and wanted to receive if I had been born in his time, and You would have put me in the same place: in service, with heart and word, to give these books to people, for the benefit of all nations, for so many centuries, to overcome all false and proud teachings in the whole world by the height of your authority. I would like, if I were Moses then, we are all “of the same substance” 875, and “what is man if You do not remember him” (Ps. 8:5) - if I were then the same as him, and You entrusted me with writing the book of Genesis, I would like to receive from You such power of speech and such ability to weave speech, so that those who are not yet able to understand how God creates, could not reject my words, citing the fact that they surpass their understanding; those who can already do this would find in the brief words of Your servant any true thought that they have reached through their own reflection. And if someone saw another thought in the light of truth, then it could also be seen in these words. 37. Just as a spring with more abundant water in its small basin and with many streams irrigates a wider space than any of these streams, which, emerging from this source, passes through many places, so the story of the one who proclaims Your words, which will serve many talkers, flows in a narrow stream streams of pure truth, from where each, to the best of his ability, extracts one truth, another another, in order to then drag it along long verbal meanders. Some, reading or listening to these words, imagine God as a man, or at least as some enormous body endowed with unlimited power; By an unexpected and sudden decision, He created outside himself, as if at a distance, heaven and earth, two large bodies, one above, the other below, where everything is located. When they hear: “God said: let it be, and it was so,” then they think about words that had a beginning and an end, sounded in time and fell silent; they fell silent, and everything that was commanded to arise arose. These are also other, similar opinions, prompted by the habit of the body. Very young children 876, in their weakness, they calm down on these simplest concepts, as on their mother’s breast; however, they have built a structure of sound faith: they firmly stand on the fact that God created all of nature, in all its amazing diversity, which they perceive with their senses. If any of them, filled with contempt for these seemingly cheap thoughts, leans out of the cozy cradle in his stupid pride, alas! the unfortunate man falls, and, Lord God, have mercy! Do not let passers-by trample the fledgling chick, send Your angel to put it back in the nest: let it live there until it learns to fly! 38. Others, for whom these words are no longer a nest, but a shady garden, see the fruits hidden in it and, joyfully flying, chirp, look for them and peck them. Reading or listening to these words, they see that in the immovable and eternal existence of God the past and the future are overcome, but that there is not a single temporary being not created by You; that Thy will, i.e. You do not know change, and You did not create everything according to a sudden, new desire. You did not create Your likeness from Yourself, as a model for everything, but created from “nothing” formless matter, dissimilar to You, which, however, can acquire form, becoming like You and returning to You, the One, as far as possible to the extent of those abilities that are determined for each in a series of homogeneous creatures. And everything is “very good” 877 - both that which is around You, and that which, gradually moving away from You, becomes in time and space a participant in the beautiful diversity of the world. They see this and rejoice in the light of Your truth to the best of their ability. 39. Some of them will focus their attention on the words: “in the beginning God created” and consider wisdom to be the “beginning”, “because she herself tells us.” Another will also focus on these same words and understand “beginning” as the initial emergence of created things; as in “first created.” Among those who understand “beginning” to mean the wisdom with which “Thou didst create heaven and earth,” one will consider that “heaven and earth” signify the matter from which heaven and earth could be created and which received the same name with them; another - that these are already creatures that have received different forms; the third is that by “heaven” we mean matter that has a form and is spiritual, and by “earth” we mean a formless mass of corporeal matter. Those who think that “heaven and earth” still mean formless matter, from which heaven and earth are then formed, think differently about this: according to one, it served to create rational and sentient beings; according to another, only for this corporeal sentient mass containing visible, perceptible beings in its huge bosom. Those who believe that “heaven and earth” mean a world that is already completely organized and ordered: they mean both visible and invisible, others - only visible: the light sky and the dark earth with everything that is on them. 40. The one who understands “in the beginning created” only in the sense of “first created” will in no way be able to correctly understand what “heaven and earth” are, unless he understands by these words the matter for heaven and earth, i.e. for the entire mental and physical world. If he considers these words to designate a world that has already taken shape, then it would be correct to ask him, “if God did this in the first place, what did he do in the second place?” And since the universe has already been created, he will not find anything to answer, and will hear an unpleasant question for himself: “how in the first place, if there is nothing secondly?” If he says that first, formless matter was created, which only then took on form, then this is an intelligent answer, if only the speaker is able to figure out what takes precedence in eternity, in time, in choice, in origin. According to eternity: God, for example, is above everything; by time: flower, for example, before the fruit; by choice: fruit, for example, is better than a flower; by origin: sound precedes singing. Of the four types of championship I have mentioned, it is very difficult to understand the first and last; two medium ones are very easy. It is rare and very difficult to see and contemplate Your eternity, O Lord, which creates in its immutability what changes and therefore has primacy. Who has a mind so sharp as to understand without great difficulty how sound takes precedence over singing? Singing is, after all, a formed sound; Something, of course, can exist without form, but how can something that does not exist take form? Matter has primacy only in relation to what has arisen from it; she is superior not because she “does”; After all, it itself is “made” and has no primacy in time. And we do not begin in time formless sounds that are not singing, and which we then adapt to song form or finish, like wood for a chest or silver for dishes. Such material is even earlier in time than the things made from it. But that’s not the case with singing. When they sing and we hear a sound, it does not sound formless at first, and then takes form in singing. And no matter how it sounded, it disappeared, and you won’t find anything here that could be returned and turned into harmonious singing. Singing is all in sounds: sounds are its matter, which is given form so that it becomes singing. Therefore, as I said, sound, i.e. matter has primacy over singing, sound already formed, but primacy not in the ability to “do.” Sound does not create singing; issued by a bodily organ, it obeys the soul of the singer in order to become a song. He does not have primacy in time either: sound and singing are simultaneous. No, and by choice: sound is not better than singing, since singing is not only sound, but also a beautiful sound. It is of primary origin: it is not singing that takes shape to become sound, but sound that takes shape to become singing. From this example, let anyone who can understand that matter, created “first” and called heaven and earth, because heaven and earth were created from it, was created “first” not in time, because time appears when everything is already clothed in form, but this matter was formless, and you see it already in time and with it. And nothing can be said about it, except perhaps that it has, as it were, primacy in relation to time, although it is given a lower place, because, of course, what has a form is better than the formless. The eternity of the Creator precedes it, so that from “nothing” something could arise from which something could arise. 878 41. Among such a variety of correct thoughts, may Truth itself establish agreement, and may our Lord take pity on us: let us “lawfully use the law,” bearing in mind its goal: pure love. And therefore, if someone asks me what Moses, Your great servant, was thinking here, then my confession will not be a confession if I do not say: “I don’t know.” I only know that his thoughts are correct, with the exception of those concerning the flesh, about which I said that I was thinking. And children who show good hope in faith are not afraid of the words of Your book, lofty in their humility, abundant in their brevity. Let us all love each other who sees the truth in these words and acknowledges it, and let us also love You, our God, the Source of Truth, if we thirst for it, and not for vain and empty things. Let us honor Thy servant, who wrote these books, filled with Thy Spirit, and believe that when he wrote, he paid special attention, according to Thy revelation, to what is completely true and especially useful. 42. Therefore, when one says: “He thought like me,” and the other: “No, just like me,” then, I believe, I will say more piously: “Why not like both of you, if both of you speak correctly.” And if someone sees in these words a third meaning and a fourth and some other meaning, as long as it is true, why not believe that all of them were meant by Moses, to whom the One God gave to compile the sacred books so that many people would see the truth in them in different forms? As for me, I boldly proclaim from the depths of my heart: if I were writing a book of the highest immutability, I would prefer to write it in such a way that everyone would find in my words an echo of the truth that is accessible to him; I would not put into them a single, distinct thought, excluding all others, the fallacy of which could not confuse me. I do not want, my God, to be so rash as not to believe that this great man did not deserve such a gift from You. When he wrote these words, he thought about what true things we can find in them, and about what we cannot or cannot yet find, and what, however, can be found in them. 43. And, finally, Lord, You are God, and not flesh and blood, and if a person does not see everything, then could it be possible that Your good Spirit, Who “will lead me to a righteous land” 879, could hide what You Yourself will reveal in these words to future readers, even if the one through whom they were spoken had only one in mind out of many true thoughts. If this is so, then this thought of his will, of course, be more sublime; But to us, Lord, You will show either it, or any other truth You please - but whether You reveal what was revealed to Your servant Himself or something else embedded in the same words, just feed us so that we do not become the playground of error. Behold, Lord my God, how much we have written about a few words, how much! How much effort, how much time would it take us if we were to engage in all Your books like this. Let me briefly confess to You regarding them and choose one correct interpretation that You will suggest, more accurately and kindly, although many things could come to my mind where many things could come. I believe and confess that if I convey the thoughts of Your servant, it will be right and good, and I must try to do so. If I do not achieve this, let me still say what Your truth wanted to tell me in the words of Moses, in which it told him what it wanted. I call You, my God, “my mercy” 880; You created me and whoever forgot You did not forget. I call You into my soul, which You are preparing to receive You: You inspired it to desire this. Now do not leave the caller; You warned my call 881; stubbornly, more and more often and in different ways You spoke to me: may I hear You from afar and turn and call You, who is calling me. You, Lord, destroyed all my evil deeds, so as not to repay according to the works of my hands, who labored over my falling away, and prevented all my good deeds, in order to repay to Your hands 882 that created me: You were there when I was not, and I was not worth it for You to give me life. And so I exist by Your goodness, which existed before You created both me and that from which You created me. You didn’t need me, and I’m not big enough to be of help to You, my Lord and my God. My service will not relieve You from weariness: You do not get tired while acting; my services will not increase Your power; the honor shown by me will not add honor to You. I must serve You and honor You, so that I can feel good with You, 883 from Whom my life and ability to feel good come from. 2. From the fullness of Your goodness all creation arose: from it there is no benefit to You; Coming from You, she is not equal to You, and, however, there must be a place for her, good, because she received her existence from You. What merits do “heaven and earth”, created by You “in the beginning”, have before You? What merits do the spiritual and physical beings created by You according to Your wisdom have before You? After all, they all depended on her, both spiritual and physical, even in an unfinished and formless form; striving for disorder, for the complete loss of Your likeness. A spiritual being, even a formless one, is superior to a body that has a form; the corporeal formless is higher than the absolute “nothing”. The formless would have remained so according to Your Word, if this very Word had not called it to unity with You and given it form: proceeding from You, the highest Good, “may everything become very good” 884. For what merit is even the formless state granted? Without You, this would not have happened. 3. What merits does bodily matter have before You in order to become at least “invisible and unsettled”? She would not have been like this if You had not created her. And since it did not exist, there was nothing it could do to deserve its appearance. What merits did spiritual beings have before You, those who were just emerging, gloomy, unstable, similar to the abyss, dissimilar to You? Only the same Word turned them to Him, their Creator, and, illuminated by Him, they became light and, although not to the same extent, still correspond to Your image 885. Just as for a body “to be” does not mean “to be beautiful” - otherwise ugliness would not exist - so for a created spirit “to live” is not the same as “to live wisely” - otherwise every spirit would be invariably wise. “It is good for him to cling to You forever” 886, so that the light received by those who turn away from You is not lost, so that he does not slide into a life similar to a dark abyss. And we, having a soul, are spiritual beings. Having turned away from You, our Light, in this life we ​​were “once darkness” 887 and we suffer in the remnants of our darkness until we become “righteous” in Your only Son 888, as if “mountains of God”; for according to Your judgment they were like a “deep abyss” 889. 4. Not without reason, I attribute the words spoken by You at the beginning of creation: “let there be light, and there was light” to spiritual beings who have already somehow lived, capable of being enlightened by Your light. But just as they did nothing to deserve a life that could be enlightened, so they did not deserve it to be enlightened. You did not want their formless state; they had to become light not by virtue of their existence, but by contemplating the illuminating light and merging with it. Only Your grace allowed them to somehow live and live happily, for they changed for the better, turning to that which cannot change either for the better or for the worse - to You, the Only One, Who simply “is”, for Whom to live means to live happily, for Your happiness is You Yourself. 5. What would You lack for happiness - You are happiness for yourself - if there was nothing at all or if everything remained formless. You did not create out of need, but out of the fullness of Your grace 890; and did not give Thy creatures a stable form so that Thy joy might become fuller. Perfect One, their imperfection was unpleasant to You; You perfected them and made them pleasant to yourself, not because, being imperfect, You had to become more perfect by improving them. “Your good Spirit hovered over the waters” 891, it was not they who carried him away, as if he had rested on them. When they say that Your Spirit rested on someone, it means that He gave them rest in Himself. Inaccessible to deterioration, unchangeable, sufficient in itself, Your will hovered over what You revived, but living alive and living happily are not the same thing, because they rush about in their darkness. There is only one thing left for them to do: turn to You, their Creator, and live, getting closer and closer to the Source of life, and in His light see the light 892, improve, become enlightened and find happiness. 6. The Trinity appears to me as a mystery, that is, You, my God, for You, Father, the beginning of our wisdom, is Your Wisdom, born of You, equal to You, and as You are eternal, this is Your Son, through Whom You created heaven and earth. I said a lot about the heaven of heavens, about the invisible and unsettled earth, about the dark abyss, the restless stream of spiritual formlessness rushing downward, only it turned to the One from Whom all life, enlightened, became a beautiful life, and the sky of that sky arose, which was then created between water and water. Already in the name of God I recognized the Father who created this; The beginning was called the Son, through whom this was created; Believing in the trinity of my God, as I believed, I looked for it in His holy sayings. And so “Your Spirit hovered over the waters.” This is the Trinity, my God: Father and Son and Holy Spirit, Creator of every creature. 7. For what reason, however, O true Light, do I bring my heart closer to You, so that its lessons to me will not be false - dispel its darkness and tell me, I beg You with our mother, mercy, I beg - tell me, for what reason did Your Scripture name Your Spirit only after mentioning heaven, the invisible and unsettled earth and the darkness over the abyss? Is it because it was necessary to introduce Him by saying that He “was hovering above,” and this could only be said by first mentioning what Your Spirit could hover over? After all, he was not hovering over the Father and not over the Son, and it was impossible to use the word “hovering” if there was nothing to hover over. Therefore, it was necessary first to say what He was hovering over, and then to name Him Who should have been mentioned only in the words “hovering above.” Why, however, could it not have been introduced to Him in any other way, but only as the One about Whom it could be said that He was “rushing about above”? 8. Now let those who can mentally follow Your apostle, who said: “The love of God has been poured out into our hearts by the Holy Spirit who has been given to us” 893; he taught “about spiritual gifts”, showed “the most excellent way of love” 894, bowed his knees before You for us, so that we would understand “the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge” 895. That is why from the beginning He was “superior” and hovered over the waters. Who will I tell, how will I tell about the burden of passions that casts us into a terrible abyss, about love that lifts us up through Your Spirit, Who “hovered over the waters”? Who will I tell? How will I tell you? Sinking and swimming? There is no place in space where we sink and swim. How accurate this comparison is and how inaccurate it is! Our moods, our love, the impurity of our spirit drag us down; We love our worries; but You, Holy One, lift us up - we love carelessness on the outside: yes, “we have hearts of grief” 896, where “Your Spirit floats over the waters”; may we come to a peace that surpasses everything when “our soul crosses the waters devoid of substance” 897. 9 . The angel has rolled down, the human soul has rolled down. From them we see in what a deep and dark abyss all spiritual creatures would be if You had not said at the beginning “Let there be light!” and there was light,” and all the intelligent spirits of Your heavenly city would not hastily cling to You, having rested in Your Spirit, Which, without changing, floats over everything that changes. Otherwise, the sky of heaven would itself become a dark abyss; now it is “light in the Lord” 898 . Using the example of the pitiful restlessness of fallen spirits, revealing their darkness (they are not dressed in the clothing of Your light), You make it clear how great are Your intelligent creatures, to whom only You can give peace and happiness 899 - nothing less, and therefore they cannot do it to themselves. But You, our God, will illuminate our darkness, clothe us, and “our darkness will become like noon” 900. Give me You, my God, return You to me: I love You. If it’s not enough, let me love you more. I cannot measure and find out how much I lack for perfect love, when I would throw myself into Your arms and would not tear myself away from You until “I would hide under the cover of Your face” 901. I only know that I feel bad without You - not only outside, but also within myself, and poverty for me is any wealth that is not my God. 10. Didn’t the Father and Son hover over the waters? If you think of them as bodies in space, then the same cannot be said about the Holy Spirit; if we think about the unchangeable Divine greatness, abiding above everything that changes, then the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit “hovered over the waters.” Why, however, is this said only about Your Spirit? Why is it only about Him that it is said where He was, as if it were a place in space? Why is it said about Him alone that He is Your Gift? In Your gift we rest; We enjoy You. Our rest is our “place”. Love lifts us there, and Your good Spirit lifts us, low ones, away from the doors of death. Your rest for us is in good will 902. Every body, due to its weight, tends to its place. The weight not only pulls down, it pulls towards its place. Fire tends upward, stone downwards; they are carried away by their heaviness, they are looking for their place. Oil, if poured downwards, will rise above the water; water poured onto oil will go down; they are carried away by their heaviness, they are looking for their place. Where there is no order, there is restlessness; the orderly becomes calm. My heaviness is my love: it moves me wherever I rush. It is granted by You to ignite and strive upward: we are flaming, we are moving. We rise, rising with our hearts, and sing the song of ascent 903. We burn with Thy fire, Thy good fire, let us go; we rise to the world of Jerusalem. “I rejoiced among those who said to me: we will go to the house of the Lord” 904. Good will will place us there and we will wish for nothing more than to remain there forever. 11. Happy are the creatures who have never known another state! they would have become different if Your Gift, hovering above everything changing, immediately, as soon as they were created, until not even a moment had passed, had not raised them to the call: “Let there be light! and there was light." We distinguish between the time when we were darkness and the time when we became light. It is only said about them what they would be if they were not illuminated; it is said about their initial instability and darkness in order to find out why they became different: turning to the unfading light, they became light. Anyone who can, will understand; let him ask You for understanding. Why bother me as if I can enlighten at least one “person coming into the world?” 905. 12. Who will understand the almighty Trinity? And who doesn’t talk about Her, if he really talks about Her? It is rare to find a soul who, when speaking about Her, knows what she is saying. They argue, they fight, and no one will see this vision without peace in their souls. I would like people to think about three things about themselves. They - all three - are, of course, completely different from the Trinity; I am only pointing out in which direction people should strain their thoughts, investigate and understand how far they are from understanding. These three properties are: to be, to know, to want. I am, I know and I want; I am the knower and the willer; I know that I am and what I want, and I want to be and know. These three properties constitute an inseparable unity - life, and, however, each of them is something special and unique; they are inseparable and yet different. Understand this, who can. Before everyone stands, of course, himself: let him look into himself, see and tell me. If, however, he finds something similar in this and is able to say about it, let him not think that he has understood the unchangeable Being who is above everything: His being is unchangeable, His knowledge is unchangeable, His will is unchangeable. Is God threefold because of these three properties, or are there these three properties in each Person, so that each Person is threefold, or, in both cases, the Trinity, wonderfully simple and manifold, is complete in Itself and infinite, and therefore It is and knows Itself and is invariably complete in the abundance and greatness of its unity? Who can understand this easily? How to tell? Who dares to explain this mystery in any way? 13. Continue your confession, my faith 906 ; say to the Lord your God: Holy, holy, holy, Lord my God, we are baptized in Your Name, Father, Son and Holy Spirit, and we baptize in Your Name, Father, Son and Holy Spirit, for among us through His Christ “God created heaven and earth,” spiritual and carnal people in His Church. And our land 907 before the adoption of the teaching “was invisible and unsettled”; we were covered by the darkness of ignorance, for “You have taught man for his transgressions” 908 and “Your judgments are like a great abyss” 909. “Thy Spirit,” however, “moved over the waters,” and Thy mercy did not forsake us, the poor. You said: “Let there be light; repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand. Repent, let there be light" 910. And since our soul was in confusion, we remembered You, Lord, “on the land of Jordan,” on a mountain of Your height, which was diminished for our sake; Our darkness became disgusting to us, we turned to You, “and there was light.” And so we were “once darkness, but now light in the Lord” 911. 14. And yet, until now only “we have been saved by faith, not by sight, but by hope. Hope that sees is not hope" 912. For now, “the deep calls upon the deep,” but already “with the voice of Your waterfalls” 913. For now, the one who said: “I cannot speak to you as to spiritual people, but as to carnal ones,” remains with the thought that he himself has not comprehended everything, and “forgetting the past, rushes to what lies ahead” and “sighs under a heavy burden” 914. His soul thirsts for the living God, like a deer for springs of water, and cries out: “When will I come?” 915 He wants to “put on the heavenly habitation” and calls to the abyss below, saying: “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind” and “Do not be children in your mind; be infants in evil, but mature in understanding,” and “O foolish Galatians! who deceived you? 916. This is no longer his voice, but Yours: You sent Your Spirit from heaven through Him who “ascended into heaven” and opened “the waterfalls of His gifts, so that Your city may rejoice in the stream of water” 917. The friend of the groom 918, already possessing the beginnings of the spirit 919, sighs about this city. “Until now, however, he groans in his heart, awaiting adoption and his redemption. He sighs for him - he is, after all, a member of the Church, the bride of Christ - and is jealous of her - he is, after all, a friend of the groom - he is jealous of her, not of himself, because with the voice of “Thy waterfalls”, not his own, he calls out to another abyss, which in his jealousy he is afraid of: “just as the serpent deceived Eve with his cunning, so weak minds can be damaged by falling away from purity” 920, which is in To our spouse, Your only Son. How beautiful this light will be when we see it as it is, and the tears that have become the bread of my days and nights will end, for they say to me every day: “Where is your God?” 921 15. And I say: “Where are You, My God?” Where are you? I rest a little in You, pouring out my soul in jubilation and praise, in the sounds of solemn celebration. But she is still sad, because she falls and becomes an abyss, or rather, she feels that she is still an abyss. My faith, which You kindled in the night on my way, says to her: “Why are you sad, my soul, and why are you embarrassed? trust in God. There is a lamp on your path: His Word.” Hope and endure until the night, mother of sinners, passes, until the wrath of God, whose children we once were, when we were darkness, passes. We drag out the remains of it in our body, dead because of sin, “until the day blows and the shadows disperse” 922. “Trust in God; In the morning I will rise and contemplate Him; I will always confess You. In the morning I will rise and see the salvation of my face” 923, my God, who “will give life to our mortal bodies for the sake of the Spirit who dwells in us” 924, for He mercifully hovered over the darkness of our unstable soul. From Him in this earthly journey we also received a guarantee that we will become light 925, and for now we are saved by hope, but already sons of light and sons of God, and not sons of night and darkness, which, however, we were. Between them and us, with this infidelity of human knowledge, only You can distinguish, testing our hearts, calling the light day and the darkness night. Who can separate us except You? and what do we have that we would not receive from You, we are “vessels of honor,” made of the same material from which “vessels of reproach” 926? 16. Who, if not You, our God, created over us the firmament of Your authority - Your divine Scripture? “The sky will roll up like a scroll,” and now it is spread out over us like skin 927. The authority of Your divine Scripture has become even greater since those mortals through whom You gave it to us died this death. And You, Lord, know how You clothed people with skins when, having sinned, they became mortal 928. And when, like a skin, You stretched out the firmament of Your Book, Your words, always in agreement with You, which You established over us, acting through Your mortal servants. By their very death they strengthened the authority of Your sayings, communicated through them; he solemnly prostrated himself over everything below him. During their lifetime he had not yet prostrated himself so solemnly. You have not yet stretched out the sky like a skin; the glory of their death had not yet spread everywhere 929. 17. Grant, Lord, to see the heavens, the works of Your fingers 930; drive away from our eyes the fog with which You have covered them. There Your testimony gives wisdom to the children. Complete, my God, “praise to You from the lips of children and sucklings” 931. We do not know of other books that would so crush pride, so crush the “enemy and defender” who resists reconciliation with You and defends his sins. I don’t know, Lord, I don’t know other such pure words that so convincingly incline me to confess to You, to humbly put my neck under Your yoke, to unselfishly honor You. Let me understand them, O good Father, standing below, for for those standing below You have established Your words. 18. Above this firmament, I believe, there are other waters, immortal 932, inaccessible to earthly corruption. Let them praise Your Name, let the hosts of Your angels who are above the heavens praise You; they do not need to look at this firmament and learn Your words by reading. They always see Your Face 933 and read, not by syllables and in time, Your eternal will. They read it, prefer it and revere it; always read, and what they read about never passes away. Your unchanging advice is what they read about, preferring and honoring them. Their book is not closed, their scroll is not rolled up, because You Yourself are this book for them and remain so forever. You have placed them above this firmament and given them strength, so that they may look at the powerlessness of the nations below, and know Your mercy, which proclaims in time about You, Who created time. For “in heaven, O Lord, is Thy mercy, Thy truth reaches to the clouds” 934. The clouds go away, but the sky remains; the preachers of Your word leave this life for another life, Your Scripture is spread out over all nations until the end of the ages, “Heaven and earth will pass away, but Your words will not pass away” 935, and the skin will curl up, and the grass over which it was spread will wither with its beauty, “But Your word abides forever” 936. Now it appears to us not as it is, but as a “mystery”, visible through the clouds “in the mirror of the sky,” because even for us, although loved by Your Son, “it is not clear what we will be” 937. He looked at us through the nets of the body, caressed us, burned us lovingly, and we run “to the smell of His fragrance” 938. But when He appears, we will become like Him, for we will see Him as He is; to see Him as He is, Lord, is our destiny, but we do not yet possess it. 19. Just as Your being is absolute, so is your knowledge absolute; Your being is unchangeable, your knowledge is unchangeable and your will is unchangeable. In Your existence both knowledge and will are unchangeable; in Your knowledge, being and will are unchangeable; in Your will being and knowledge are unchangeable. It is, apparently, unfair in Your eyes that just as the unchanging light knows itself, the changeable being illuminated by it should also know it. Therefore, “my soul is for You like earth without water,” 939 just as it cannot illuminate itself, so it cannot satiate itself. “With You is the source of life, and in Your light we will see light” 940. 20. Who gathered together the bitter waters? 941 they have the same end: temporary earthly happiness, for the sake of which they do everything, although the worries that worry people are innumerably varied. Who, Lord, if not You, said that “the waters would be gathered into one place” 942 and dry land would appear, thirsty for You; “And the sea is Yours, and You made it, and Your hands created the dry land” 943. It is not the bitterness of desires, but the collection of waters that is called the sea 944. You restrain the evil passions of the soul and set boundaries as far as the waters are allowed to reach: let their excitement dry up on its own. Thus You subjugate the sea to Your power, establishing order everywhere. 21. The souls thirsting for You and coming to You 945, You removed for another purpose from the union with the sea; You irrigate them with water from a secret sweet source, so that the earth gives its fruit: and it gives its fruit 946, and, obeying the command of the Lord its God, our soul grows works of mercy “according to its kind”; loves his neighbor and helps him in his bodily needs, remembering the similarity with him: our own weakness makes us sympathize, help those in need and provide them with the kind of help that we ourselves would like to receive if we find ourselves in the same need. And not only insignificant help, similar to the grass of the field, but strong protection and protection, reminiscent of a fruitful tree. We snatch the offended person from the hands of the powerful, spreading over him, like an oak, a strong canopy of righteous judgment. 22. So, Lord, I pray to You, as You give joy and strength: so that “righteousness will be born on earth, and justice will look from heaven to earth,” and “luminaries will arise in the firmament” 947. We will break our bread with those who are hungry, we will bring the homeless under our roof, we will clothe the naked, we will not despise slaves, people just like us. The earth has given birth to fruits, look at them: they are good; “Let our light shine forth in time,” and for our deeds—a harvest of low quality—having received the joy of contemplating the Word of life, let us appear as “luminaries in the world,” strengthened in the firmament of Thy Scripture. There You will teach us to distinguish between the intelligible and the sensible, as between day and night, as between souls turned to the intelligible and those turned to the sensory. And You are no longer alone in Your secret decisions, as was the case before the creation of the firmament, separating the light from the darkness: Your spiritual creations, placed on the same firmament by Your grace revealed to the world, shine above the earth, separate day from night and mark the time: “the ancient has passed, now everything is new” 948, “our salvation has come near” when we believed in it. The night passes, the day has already approached, and “You bless the crown of Your year” and “Send workers to reap Your field,” on which, while sowing it, “others worked” 949. You send them to another field, the harvest from which will be taken at the end of the ages. Thus You fulfill the prayers of the one who asks and bless the years of the righteous. You are always the same, and in your years, which do not decrease, you prepare a granary for the passing years. 23. According to Your eternal counsel, You send in due time to earth gifts from heaven: “to one is given the word of wisdom by the Spirit” - this is a great lamp for those who enjoy, like the dawn, the clear light of truth - “to another from the same Spirit a word of knowledge” 950 - this is a lesser lamp - to him faith, “to him the gift of medicine, to him the gift of miracles, to him prophecy, to him the ability to discern spirits, to him the gift of tongues” - all these are like the stars. “And all this is the work of one and the same Spirit, who gives to each his own as He wills,” and causes the luminaries to appear and shine for good 951. Knowledge, which embraces all the mysteries that change with time, 952 like the moon, and also the other gifts I mentioned in comparison with the stars, differs from the bright radiance of wisdom, like the jubilant dawn from dusk. They are necessary 953, however, for people with whom Your most intelligent servant “could not speak as spiritual, but only as carnal,” he who “preaches wisdom among the perfect” 954. The soulful man is the child of Christ 955 drinking milk until he is strong enough to eat solid food and look directly at the sun; let him not consider himself abandoned in the night, but be content with the light of the moon and stars. This is what You instruct us in, O All-Wise God, through Your Book, through Your firmament: that we may learn in wondrous contemplation to discern everything, although still only in “signs, in seasons, in days and years.” 24. First, however, “wash yourselves, be clean, take away evil from your hearts and from my eyes,” “let dry ground appear.” “Learn to do good, protect the orphan, stand up for the widow,” “let the earth bring forth fodder grass and fruitful trees” 956. “Come, let us reason together, says the Lord, that there may be lights in the firmament of heaven to give light on the earth.” The gospel rich man asked the good Teacher what he should do to inherit eternal life. And the good Teacher, whom he considered to be a man and only - and He is good because He is God - told him that if he wants to come to life, then let him keep the commandments, remove the bitterness of malice and debauchery from himself, do not kill, do not commit adultery, do not steal, do not bear false witness, so that “dry ground” would appear and would grow respect for father and mother and love for one’s neighbor. “I have accomplished all this,” replied the rich man, “957.” Where, if the land is fertile, do so many thorns come from? go, uproot the overgrown thicket of greed, sell your possessions, get rich by giving to the poor, and you will receive treasure in heaven; follow the Lord if you want to be perfect; join those to whom He who knows what to bestow on day and night speaks wise words 958. Recognize them too, so that they become your luminaries in the firmament of heaven; and this will happen only if “your heart is there, the same will happen if your treasure is there 959. You heard such words from the good Teacher. And the barren land was darkened, and thorns drowned the words. 25. You are the “chosen people”, “the weak of the world” 960, who have left everything to follow the Lord, follow him and confuse the strong, follow him “beautiful feet” 961 and shine in the firmament, so that “the heavens may tell His glory”, distinguish between the light of the perfect, but not yet like the angels, and the darkness of the small, but not hopeless. Shine upon the whole earth, may the day, shining with the sun, “deliver to the day the word of wisdom,” and the night, illuminated by the moon, “declare the word of knowledge to the night” 962. The moon and stars shine in the night, but the night does not darken them, because they themselves illuminate it to the best of their ability. And just as God said: “let there be lights in the firmament of heaven,” “suddenly there was a noise from heaven; as if from a rushing strong wind, and divided as if tongues of fire appeared and rested on each of them” 963. This is how the “luminaries in the firmament of heaven” appeared, having the word of life.” 964 Scatter everywhere, holy lights, beautiful lights. “You are the light of the world” and you are not “under a bushel” 965. He to whom you were attached ascended and exalted you. Figure it out, become known to all nations. 26. Let the sea conceive and give birth to your works, “let the waters bring forth creeping things that have a living soul.” Separating the valuable from the cheap, you became the mouth of the Lord, who said: “let the waters produce a living soul, not like the earth produces,” but “creeping things that have a living soul, and birds that fly over the earth” 966. And through the labor of Your saints, Your sacraments 967 appear everywhere among the waves of worldly temptation, in order to wash the nations with Your baptism, given in Your name. Meanwhile, something great and marvelous happened, like the creation of “great fish.” The voices of Your messengers rushed over the earth under the firmament of Your Book, which protected their flight with authority, wherever they went. “There is no language and no speech where their voice is not heard; their sound goes throughout the whole earth, and their words to the ends of the world,” 968 for, O Lord, by Thy blessing they have multiplied. 27. Do I lie, confuse them into one and do not distinguish between the clear knowledge of what is in the firmament of heaven, and human affairs on the troubled sea under the firmament of heaven? There is knowledge that is solid, complete, it does not increase from generation to generation 969 - this is the light of wisdom and knowledge. And the same is communicated through many different bodily actions; growing one from the other, they multiply according to Your blessing, Lord. And You consoled our quickly sated bodily feelings: the soul, having cognized the one truth, can speak about it in many ways and express it with the help of bodily movements. This is what the waters produced, but according to Your word. The need of the nations, who have turned away from Thy eternal truth, brought this about according to Thy Gospel. For the waters themselves threw it out, and the bitter weakness of man was the cause of this occurrence 970. 28. Everything created by You is beautiful and You, the Creator of everything, are unspeakably beautiful. If Adam had not fallen from You, this brine of the sea would not have poured out of his womb, the human race, extremely curious, furiously arrogant, unsteadily shaky. Then there would be no need for Your preachers to work in the midst of the sea, reporting Your mysterious deeds and words in a bodily, sensory way. This is how “reptiles” and “birds” seem to me now, but people, even those who understood these symbols, would not have gone far if the soul did not come to life spiritually, rising higher, and did not strive from the initial words to perfection. 29. And therefore, according to Your Word, not the depths of the sea, but the earth, separated from the bitter waters, brought forth not the reptiles with a living soul and not birds, but “a living soul” 971. She no longer needs baptism, which the pagans need, as she did when the waters covered her. Otherwise they have not entered the Kingdom of Heaven since the time You decreed that they should enter in this way. It does not require great and wondrous things for faith; believes “without signs and wonders,” for the faithful land is already separated from the bitter waters of unbelief, “and tongues are a sign not for believers, but for unbelievers” 972. The earth, which “You established on the waters,” does not need those flying creatures that, according to Your Word, “the waters produced” 973. Send Your word to her through Your messengers. We talk about their activities, but it is You who work in them so that they can create a living soul. The earth produced it, for the earth gave rise to their activity, just as the sea called forth reptiles with a living soul and birds under the firmament, the earth no longer needs them, although it eats the fish raised from the depths for the meal that “You have prepared in the presence of the believers”; it was raised from the depths to nourish the dry earth 974. And birds are a product of the sea, and, however, they multiply on earth. The first voices of the gospel sermon were heard due to human unbelief, but it also gives instruction and blessing to the faithful in a variety of ways every day. The living soul originates from the earth, but it is only good for the faithful to withdraw from the love of this world, so that their soul may live for You: it will die, living in pleasures in pleasures, O Lord, deadly: for a pure heart You are life-giving pleasure. 30. Let Your servants work differently on earth than in the waters of unbelief, when, speaking and proclaiming, they acted on the ignorant (ignorance will give birth to surprise) with wonders, signs and mysterious voices, frightening with these incomprehensible signs. This is how the sons of Adam, who had forgotten You, come to faith; hiding from Your face, they become “the abyss.” Let Your servants work as on dry ground, separated from the depths of the deep; let their life pass before the eyes of the faithful, serve as a model 975 for them and encourage them to imitate. Not only in order to listen, but in order to act; “Seek God, and your soul will live” 976, the earth will produce a living soul. “Do not be conformed to this age” 977, stay aloof. By avoiding it, the soul lives; striving for it, he dies. Refrain from fierce inhuman pride, from the relaxing pleasures of debauchery, from what is falsely called science 978 - may wild animals be tamed, livestock ridden, snakes harmless. All of them allegorically depict mental movements, but arrogant exaltation, intoxication of lust and the hell of curiosity are the feelings of a dead soul. Her death does not consist in the absence of any feeling: she dies, moving away from the source of life, she is picked up by the passing age, and she begins to conform to it. 31. Your Word, O Lord, is the source of eternal life, and it does not pass away. That is why it is forbidden by Your word to depart from it and it is said: “Do not be conformed to this age,” so that the earth from the source of life may produce a living soul according to Your word, transmitted by Your evangelists: a self-controlled soul, imitating the imitators of Your Christ. This is what the words mean: “according to his kind” 979, for a friend imitates his friend. “Be,” he says, “like Me, because I am like you” 980. So, kind and gentle animals will act in the living soul. You commanded: “Do your deeds in meekness, and everyone will love you” 981. And livestock will remain good both with an excess of food and with its lack, and good snakes will not be dangerous and will not harm, but will prudently beware and explore the temporal only to the extent necessary in order to see and understand eternity through an understanding of created things. These animals obey reason, and, having avoided the deadly movement forward, they live and remain kind. 32. Behold, Lord our God, our Creator, when our attachments to this age are curbed - we die in them, living badly - and a living soul will begin to arise, living well; then Your word spoken through Your apostle will be fulfilled: “Do not be conformed to this age,” then Your immediately following words will be fulfilled: “Be transformed by the renewing of your mind,” 982 no longer “according to your kind,” not imitating your closest ancestors and not living according to the example of a better man than we. You didn’t say: “Let a man appear corresponding to his kind,” but said: “Let us create man in Our image and likeness”; let us know what Your will is. Therefore, the preacher of Your words, “who gave birth to sons through the gospel,” 983 not wanting to always have babies who must be fed with milk and nurtured like a nurse, says: “Be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may know what the will of God is, good, acceptable and perfect.” That is why You do not say: “let man appear,” but “Let us create,” You do not say: “according to his kind,” but “in Our image and likeness.” He who has been renewed in mind, who has seen and understood Your truth, does not need a person to show him how to imitate “his kind.” By Your direction, he himself will know “what is Your will, good, acceptable and perfect.” You teach him, and he is already able to see the trinity of unity and the unity of trinity. Therefore, after the words in the plural: “let us create man,” it is added in the singular: “and God created man”; after the words in the plural: “in our image”, it is added in the singular: “in the image of God.” So, man “is renewed in the knowledge of God in the image of Him who created him” and, “having become spiritual, he judges everything” that is subject to judgment, “but no one can judge him” 984. 33. The words “he judges all things” mean that he has power over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air, over all livestock and all wild animals, over all the earth and over all the creeping things that crawl on the earth. He rules by virtue of his understanding, by which he “understands the things of the Spirit of God.” Otherwise, “a person who does not understand his dignity can be compared to and likened to a senseless beast” 985. Therefore, in Thy Church, our God, by Thy grace, which Thou hast bestowed upon it - “we are Thy imagination, created for good works” 986 - there are not only spiritual leaders, but also those who are spiritually subordinate to the leaders. You “created man, male and female,” but by Your spiritual grace there is neither male nor female, for “there is neither Jew nor Greek, neither slave nor free” 987 . Spiritual people, whether they lead or obey leaders, judge spiritually. Not about spiritual truths shining “in the firmament” - they are so authoritative that it is not right to judge them - not about this book of Yours, although there are dark places in it: we subordinate our minds to it and are confident that what is hidden from our eyes is said correctly and truthfully. A man, even if spiritual, even if “renewed by the knowledge of God, who created him in His own image,” must be “a worker of the law, not a judge of it,” 988 and he does not judge who is classified as spiritual and who is carnal. They are known, O Lord, to Thy eyes, but works have not yet appeared before us, so that we may “know them by their fruits” 989. You, Lord, already knew them. You separated them and called them in secret even before the firmament was created. And man, although spiritual, does not judge the restless crowd of this age. Should he “judge outsiders” when he does not know who will leave here into Thy sweet grace, and who will remain in the bitterness of eternal wickedness? 34. Therefore, man, whom You created in Your image, did not receive power over the heavenly bodies, nor over the secret sky itself, nor over day and night, which You named even before the creation of the sky, nor over the collection of waters, that is, over the sea. He received authority over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air, over all the livestock and over all the earth and all the creeping things that creep on the earth. He judges and approves of what is right, and does not approve of what He finds evil in the performance of the sacraments by which those whom Thy mercy sought out in the depths of the waters were sanctified; whether at a meal, when fish drawn from the depths is served: the pious land eats it; whether in signs and words, submissive to the authority of Your Book, fluttering like birds under the firmament: when they interpret, expound, reason, argue, bless and call on You in words that ring loudly from their lips; let the people answer “Amen.” All these words must be spoken and must be heard, because “this age” is an abyss, and the flesh is blind: it cannot see the mental, its ears must be struck. And although birds breed on land, they originate from water 990. A spiritual person judges, approving what is right and disapproving of what he finds bad in the actions and morals of the faithful, in their alms (this is a fruitful land); he judges the living soul, tamed by chastity, fasting, and pious reflection on what it can perceive with the bodily senses. She judges what she has the power to correct. 35. But what is it? what is this secret? You bless, Lord, people to “grow, multiply and fill the earth,” isn’t this pointing out something that we need to understand? Why did You not give such a blessing to the light that you called day, nor to the firmament of heaven, nor to the luminaries and stars, nor to the earth and sea? I would like, our God, to say that You, who created us in Your image, wished to bestow this blessing only on man - I would like to, but with the same words You blessed both fish and sea monsters: “Be fruitful and multiply and fill the waters of the sea, and let birds multiply on the earth.” I would say that this blessing applies to those beings who continue their race, begetting descendants from themselves, if I found that they were said for trees, and for bushes, and for earthly animals. “Grow and multiply” is not said to herbs, trees, animals, or snakes, although all of them, like fish, birds, and people, preserve and increase their species by giving birth to offspring. 36. What should I say, my Light and Truth? What was said to no avail and in vain? no way. Father of Piety! away from Your servant such a word! And if I do not understand the meaning of this phrase, let the best, that is, more intelligent than me, explain it; After all, my God, You give to everyone his measure of understanding. May my confession be acceptable in Your sight: I confess my faith, O Lord: it was not in vain that You said so. I won’t keep silent about what thoughts reading this place prompted me. They are true, and I do not see what prevents me from understanding the words of Your Books in a figurative sense. I know that what is comprehended by the mind in a single form can be expressed verbally in many, and what is comprehended by the mind in different forms is expressed in one single verbal formula. Here is a single thought about love for God and neighbor. It is expressed in manifold symbols, in countless languages ​​and in countless expressions in each! So the creatures of the waters grow and multiply. Again, anyone who reads this should pay attention to the following: here is a phrase from Scripture in its only form: “in the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.” Isn’t it understood in a variety of ways (I don’t take lies and delusions into account), understanding it in different ways, but correctly? This is how human generations grow and multiply! 991 37. If we think about the nature of things without resorting to allegories, then the words “grow and multiply” will apply to everything that is born from a seed. If we understand them in a figurative sense - I think that this was rather the purpose of Scripture, and it is not for nothing that it assigns this blessing only to sea animals and people - we will find “multitudes” among spiritual and physical beings - they are designated “heaven and earth”; among the righteous and sinners they are designated as “light and darkness”; among the holy writers who showed us the light, this is the firmament that You strengthened between the water below and the water above; in bitter communication with people - this is the sea; in the zeal of pious souls they are “dry earth”; in the works of mercy performed in this life, they are designated as “seeds and fruit-bearing trees”; in the spiritual gifts revealed for our good, these are the “celestial lights”; in passions curbed by moderation - this is the “living soul.” In all this we will find increase, excess and growth, but this growth and multiplication are as follows; that only in the world of sensory images and intelligible phenomena can one and the same thing be told in a thousand ways and one single situation understood in a thousand ways. By the generation of waters we understand sensual images necessary for deeply carnal people; under human creation - mental ideas born of a fertile mind. Therefore, we think, You, Lord, said to both: “Grow and multiply.” I believe that in this blessing we are given the ability and strength to express in a variety of ways what we have comprehended in a single form and to understand in a variety of ways the uniformly expressed dark place 992. Thus “the waters of the sea are filled” and become agitated by different interpretations 993; so the earth is filled with the offspring of people; her dryness is revealed in her zeal for knowledge 994, and reason rules over her. 995 38. I also want to tell you, Lord my God, what the following pages of Your Scripture convince me of. I will speak fearlessly and tell the truth, for You inspired me to say what You wished to express in these words. I believe that I speak the truth only by Your inspiration, for You alone are “Truth”, and “every man is a lie” (John 14:6; Rom. 3:4; Ps. 115:2). Therefore, “he who tells a lie speaks his own (John 8:44), in order to tell the truth, I need to speak Yours. So You gave us “for food, every herb that bears seed, which is on all the earth, and every tree that has fruit that bears seed” (Gen. 1:29) - and not only to us, but also to all the birds of the air and the animals of the earth and snakes, but you did not give it to fish and sea monsters. We say that these earthly fruits represent allegorically the works of mercy that the fruitful land provides in everyday needs: such a land was the pious Onesiphorus, whose house You bestowed mercy: “he often laid down” Your Paul “and was not ashamed of his chains.” The “brothers” who grew a rich harvest did the same: “they made up for the lack of it, coming from Macedonia.” He also complains about some trees that did not bear him the fruit they deserve: “at my first defense, no one was with me; everyone left me. May it not be imputed to them” 996! “These “fruits” should be borne by those who teach us rational teaching, helping us to understand the Divine mysteries; these “fruits” should be brought to them as people. It is also due to those who offer themselves to the living soul as an example to follow in all manner of abstinence. It must be like the birds of the air for their blessings that spread throughout the earth, for “their voice goes throughout all the earth” 997 . 39. Those who rejoice in it eat this food; those do not rejoice “whose god is the belly” 998. And for those who offer “fruits,” they are not in what they give, but in the feeling with which they give. I see what rejoices the one who serves God, and not his own belly, I see and congratulate him. He received from the Philippians what they had sent through Epiphroditus; I see what he is happy about. And what he rejoices in is his food, for he speaks the truth: “I rejoiced greatly in the Lord, so that the sprouts of concern for me would appear again among you; you cared before, and then you got bored with it” 999. The Philippians wasted away in this long boredom, 1000 which dried up the fruits of good deeds; the apostle rejoices that their new shoots have sprung up - not for himself, not because they helped in his poverty. He continues: “I say this not because I am in need, for I have learned to be content with what I have. I know how to live in poverty, I know how to live in abundance, I have learned everything and in everything: to be full and to endure hunger, to be in abundance and in lack: I can do all things through Him who strengthens me” 1001. 40. Why are you rejoicing, great Paul? What do you rejoice in, what nourishes you, a man renewed by the knowledge of God, who created you in His image, a living soul so mastered of itself, an inspired tongue speaking of mysteries? Yes, this food is appropriate for such souls. What feeds you? joy. Let's listen further: “you did well by taking part in my sorrow.” This is what he rejoices in, this is what nourishes him: their good deeds, and not relief from his own difficulties. He says: “In tribulation You gave me space,” because he learned to “live in abundance and endure lack,” living in You, who strengthens him. “You know, Philippians,” he says, “that at the beginning of the gospel, when I left Macedonia, not a single church helped me with alms and acceptance, except you alone. You sent to Thessalonica once or twice for my needs” 1002. And he rejoices that they have now returned to good deeds, and rejoices, seeing new shoots in them, as if he sees a fertile field revived again. 41. Thinking about his needs, he says: “they sent for my needs”? Is this what he’s happy about? no, not this one. How do we know this? he himself says further: “I am not looking for giving, but I am looking for fruit.” I have learned from You, my God, to distinguish between giving and fruit. Giving is what someone who helps us in need gives to us: money, food, drink, clothing, shelter, help. And the fruit is the good, correct will of the giver. The good teacher did not simply say: “Whoever receives the prophet,” but added “in the name of the prophet”; He did not simply say, “Whoever receives the righteous,” but added, “In the name of the righteous.” Then only one will receive a reward from the prophet, and the other from the righteous. He not only said: “whoever gives a cup of cold water to one of My little ones,” but added “only in the name of the disciple” and added: “Truly I tell you, he will not lose his reward” 1003. To receive a prophet, to receive a righteous man, to give a cup of cold water to a disciple - these are all giving; and the fruit is to do this “in the name of the prophet,” “in the name of the righteous,” “in the name of the disciple.” Elijah ate such fruits from a widow who knew that she was feeding the man of God and therefore fed him; he received a donation from the raven: it was not the internal Elijah who fed on this food, but the external one, who could have died without such food 1004. 42. And I will say what is true in Your sight, O Lord. When people who do not know and are unbelievers, who are introduced to the faith and are protected in it by signs and great wonders (which are designated, as we think, by the name of fish and sea monsters), undertake to support and help Your children in some everyday need, 1005, not knowing why this should be done and for what purpose, then some do not give real food, and others do not receive it: some do not act according to a holy and correct intention, others do not rejoice their giving without yet seeing the “fruit”. And the soul is nourished only by what brings it joy. Therefore, fish and sea monsters do not eat food that only the earth, separated and distinct from the bitter sea waters, could grow. 43. And You saw, O God, everything that you did, “and it was very good” 1006. And we see this and find that “everything is quite good.” You examined one by one each species that arose according to Your word, and found that it was good. I counted that it was written seven times how You, having examined Your creation, found it good. The eighth time, when You saw everything You had created, You found that it was not only good, but very good, as a whole; everything together was not only good, but very good. This can be said about beautiful bodies. A body consisting of beautiful members is much more beautiful than each of these members separately, because, although each of them is beautiful in itself, only their harmonious combination creates a beautiful whole. 44. I tried to understand, seven or eight times You saw that Your creation was good and pleasing to You. I did not find, however, any mention of the fact that this review took place in time; this would give me the opportunity to understand how many times You have surveyed Your creation. And I exclaimed: “Lord, is not Your Scripture true? You, Truth and Truth, gave it! Why do You say that Your review was not in time, but Your Scripture tells me that day after day You looked at Your creation and found it good. And when I started counting, I found how many times. And to this you speak to me, for You are my God, and You speak to Your servant with a loud voice in the inner ear, breaking through my deafness and exclaiming: “O man! what My Scripture says, I say. Only it speaks in time, but My word is not subject to time, for it abides with Me equally eternally. What you see by My Spirit, I see; what you say by My Spirit, I speak. But you see in time, but I see not in time, and in the same way you speak in time, but I speak not in time.” 45. I heard this, O Lord my God, and did not drop this drop from Your sweet truth. I realized that there are people who do not like Your works; they say that You did many things, forced by necessity: this applies, for example, to the structure of the heavens and the arrangement of the luminaries. And You did not create them from Your material: they were already created somewhere and by someone 1007; You only gathered them, united them and bound them when, having defeated the enemies, You fenced the world with walls so that the vanquished could not rise up against You again; You did not create or arrange much at all, for example, neither bodily creatures, nor the smallest animals, nor that which clings to the earth with its roots: all this was created and formed in the lower reaches of the world by a hostile spirit and nature, alien to You and not created by You, opposing You. Fools say this: It is not through Your Spirit that they see Your works and do not recognize You in them. 46. Those who see by Your Spirit, You see it in them. And when they see that Your works are good, You see that they are good, and in what is dear to them for Your sake, in this You are dear to them, and what, according to Your Spirit, pleases us, You also like in us. “Which man knows what is in a man except the human spirit that lives in him? so no one knows the things of God except the Spirit of God. But we did not receive the spirit of this world, but the Spirit from God, so that we might know what was given to us from God.” 1008 I am confident in what I say: of course, “No one knows the things of God except the Spirit of God.” How do we know what has been given to us by God? This is my answer: what we know by His Spirit, “no one knows except the Spirit of God.” Therefore, just as it is rightly said to those who speak in the Spirit of God: “It is not you who speak,” so it is right to say to those who know in the Spirit of God, “It is not you who know.” It is no less correct to say to those who see in the Spirit of God: “It is not you who see.” So, those who see something good in the Spirit of God do not see it themselves: God sees that it is good. Here is the first case: someone considers what is good to be bad, like those people mentioned above; the second person sees that good is good: many like Your creatures because they are good, but it is not You they love in them; they prefer to enjoy them rather than rejoice in You. And third: a person sees something good; that it is good, God sees in it, and in His creation we love God. This love could arise only through the inspiration of the Spirit, which He will give, “because the love of God has been poured out into your hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us” 1009; He allows us to see that everything that exists is good, whatever the manner of its existence: everything is from Him who does not exist in any way, but exists absolutely. 47. Thank You, Lord! we see heaven and earth, that is, the upper and lower parts of the material world: spiritual and physical beings. As the decoration of these parts, of which the entire bulk of the universe, in general the entire created world, consists, we see light created and separated from darkness. We see the firmament, located between the spiritual upper waters and the material lower ones 1010, the first body of the world, and this air space, which is also called the sky, in which the birds of the air fly between the waters that, like steam, rise above them and on clear nights settle with dew 1011, and those that fall in heavy showers. We see the beauty of the waters gathered into sea spaces, and the dry earth, sometimes bare 1012, sometimes visible and structured, the mother of grass and trees. We see the luminaries sparkling above: the sun, without which there will be no day, the moon and stars with which the night is consoled: they all mark time and designate it. We see that the wet element is inhabited by fish, monsters and winged creatures, for the air density that supports the flight of birds is created by water vapor. We see that the face of the earth was adorned by earthly animals, we see man created in Your image and likeness and placed above all irrational animals by virtue of Your image and likeness, that is, by the power of reason and understanding. And just as in his soul one side reasons and commands, and the other obeys and submits, so a woman was created bodily for a man; her nature in reason and understanding is equal to his nature, but in terms of her sex, a woman is subordinate to the male sex, just as the desire to act is carried out according to the instructions of reason, how to act correctly. So, we see that every creature is good, and everything taken together is very good. 48. We praise You, O Lord, Your works 1013 Let us love You; and we love You, let Your works praise You. In time they begin and end, rise and fall, rise and fall, beauty and damage. The morning is followed by evening - both imperceptibly and obviously. Everything was created from “nothing” by You, but not from Your substance, but from matter, not some matter that did not belong to You, existing before, but from what You created at the same time, for You gave it, formless, form without any gap in time. The matter of heaven and earth is different, the appearance of heaven and earth is different; You created matter from “nothing”; a world of formless matter; You created both at once: matter took shape without any slowdown or interruption. 49. We were thinking about what allegorical meaning You wanted to put into such a sequence of creation or into such a sequence of narration about it. We saw that each creature individually is good, but everything taken together is very good; in Thy Word, Thy only Son, we saw heaven and earth, the Body and Head of the Church, predetermined to all times, without morning and evening. And when You began to carry out what was predetermined in time, in order to reveal the secret and put our disorder in order, our sins exceeded our heads 1014, and, having departed from You, we went into a dark abyss, but Your good Spirit hovered over us in order to give us help in due time - You justified 1015 atheists, separated them from sinners and strengthened the authority of Your Book among the highest, obedient You, and the lower ones who obeyed them; gathered the infidels into a single, unanimous society 1016, so that the zeal of the faithful may be manifested and may they do works of mercy, distributing earthly goods to the poor in order to acquire heavenly ones. And then You lit lamps in the firmament: Your saints, who have the word of life, shining with spiritual gifts and therefore highly authoritative; Then, for the conversion of the unbelieving peoples, You extracted from bodily matter sacraments, miracles, and prophecies in accordance with the firmament of Your Book - it is a blessing for the faithful as well - and then formed the living soul of the faithful, ordering their feelings by the power of abstinence. The mind, subordinate only to You and not needing any human authority for imitation, You renewed in Your image and likeness, subordinated, like a woman to a man, activity to the guidance of the mind, and wished that all Your servants, necessary in this life for the perfection of the faithful, these same faithful ones would assist in their everyday needs; in the future life it will bear abundant fruits. We see all this and see that it is very good, because it is You who sees them in us, You who gave us the Holy Spirit so that we could see Your works and love You in them. 50. Lord God, who has given us everything, give us peace 1017, the peace of rest, the peace of the Sabbath, the peace that knows no evening. This whole beautiful system of very good creatures, having completed its journey, will pass; they will have their evening, as they had their morning. 51. The seventh day does not know the sunset, for You have sanctified it, so that it will continue forever. After Your labors, which were very good, You rested on the seventh day (although You worked without leaving a state of rest). And through the voice of Your Book it is announced to us that after our labors, because “very good” because You gave us to finish them, on the Sabbath of eternal life we ​​will rest in You. 52. And then You will rest in us in the same way as You act in us now. And our rest will be Yours, just as our work will be Yours 1018. You, Lord, always act and always rest. You see outside of time, act outside of time and rest outside of time - but you allow us to see in time, you create time itself and peace at the end of time. 53. So, we see what You have done, for the world exists, but it exists because You see it 1019. Looking at the external world, we see that it exists; thinking about him, we understand that he is good; You saw it already created when you saw that it needed to be created. And we now experience an impulse to do good, after our heart has conceived from Your Spirit the thought of this; Before, we who left You were moved to do evil; But You, Lord, the One, the Good, did not stop doing good. And we, by Your mercy, have some good deeds, but they are not eternal. We hope, however, that when we have completed them we will rest in Your holiness and majesty. You, the Good One, do not need any good and always rest, for You yourself are Your rest. Which person will help a person understand this? Which angel is to an angel? What kind of angel is a person? We must ask You, seek You, knock on You: this is the only way you will receive, you will find, and it will be opened to you. “Great is the Lord, and highly praised” (Ps. 47:1, 95:4, 144:3), “and his strength is great, and his understanding is without number” (Ps. 146:5). “Confession” begins with the establishment of a connection between God and man. Her first words are about the greatness of God; the thought of Him is emphasized by its verbal attire: in the first two sentences, the first place is “great” - “great”; the end of the sentences echoes the beginning: “You are worthy of all praise” - “Your wisdom is immeasurable.” A person turns to the great God, he wants to glorify Him: “glorify” picks up what was just said “worthy of praise.” What is this person like? He is only a part of what was created, he is mortal, he is sinful, he is proud. In front of us is like a ladder of four steps, and a person goes down it lower and lower. And yet this unworthy and sinful creature dares not only to turn to God, but must do so, because God created man so that he would come to Him, and only in Him does man find peace. In the original, this thought is emphasized by the words ad te and in te, placed at the end of both phrases: fecisti nos ad te et inquientum est cor nostrum donec recuiescat in te, ad te - “the direction of the earthly path to You”; in te – “in You” – the achieved goal. Wed. Dione Chrysostomos Orat., XII, 405: “All people have a great desire to honor God and directly serve Him... helplessly, just as tiny children, torn away from their father and mother, in great anguish, often stretch out their hands in their sleep to the absent ones, so people, having justly loved God as a kindred to themselves, for His benefits, long in every way to be in communion with Him.” Ps.21:27: And all who seek Him will praise the Lord. The presence of the Divine cannot be understood locally (Blessed Augustine. “On the book of Genesis,” 4, 12, 22: “The power of the Creator and the power of the Almighty Almighty is the reason for the existence of all creation”). Bl. Augustine affirms the absolute independence of the Divine from the created world. “Vessels full of You” exist by the will of the Creator, who imparts integrity to them; pouring out His gifts, God does not become impoverished, does not waste Himself,” but “gathers” and organizes man. [ ...superbo... Job. 9, 5: “The mountains promise and do not know”, Sept.: ὁ παλαιῶν ὄρη καὶ οὔκ οἴδασιν. lat. superbo – proud, arrogant. – Editorial “ABC of Faith”] Bl. Augustine introduced his own interpretation, believing that “mountains” mean “proud”, “you grow old” - “you make weak”, “you humiliate” (Blessed Augustine. “On the Book of Job”). Biblical and Gospel images: “you carry” (Deut. 32:11: “As an eagle flies over its chicks, spreads its wings and carries its chicks on its feathers, so the Lord... led” His people); “You fill” (Ps. 139:7-10: “Where will I go from Your spirit and where will I flee from Your presence? If I ascend to heaven, You are there; If I go down to the underworld, and there You are. If I take the wings of the dawn and move to the edge of the sea, and there Your hand will lead me..."); “you cover” (Ps. 35:8: “The sons of men are at peace in the shadow of Your wings...”; Ps. 62:8: “You are my help, and in the shadow of Your wings I will rejoice”); “you are looking” (Matthew 18:12: “... will not go looking for a lost” sheep); “you repent” (Gen. 6:6: “And the Lord repented that he had made man on the earth”; Jonah 3:10: “And God saw their deeds, that they turned from their evil way, and God regretted the calamity which he said he would bring upon them, but did not bring it”); “rejoice in profit” (Matthew 25:14; Luke 19:12 – ?); “you demand interest” (Matthew 25:27). Bl. Augustine. “Treatise on the Gospel of John”, 13, 5: “Everything can be said about God, and everything said about God is unworthy of Him.” Ref. 33:20: God says to Moses: “You cannot see My face; no man can see Me and live.” Ps. 18, 13–14. “Sins are of two origins: some are prompted by a person’s own thoughts, and others are caused by outside persuasion” (Blessed Augustine, “On Free Will,” 3, 10). Life 18, 27 – 28: this is what Abraham calls himself, talking with God about how many righteous people He will spare the city of Sodom for. “Where did I come here...”; “Did my infancy come after some other dying age of mine?”; “Have I been somewhere, been anyone?” - the question of the origin of the soul worried Bl. Augustine until the end of his life. Plato in "Georgia" (493 E) quotes verses from the lost tragedy of Euripides "Polindas": Who knows: our life is not death, : Isn’t death life? (frg. 638). Bl. Augustine keenly felt that human life is a constant dying. “A person begins to die from the moment of birth... or rather, he lives and dies at the same time” (Blessed Augustine, “On the City of God,” 13.10). For a brilliant student of the rhetoric school, a master of antitheses, the bitter oxymoron about life, which is death, naturally came to mind. Bl. Augustine rejected Plato’s theory of the transmigration of souls, but with obvious approval discussed another: all souls were created in the beginning and, by some kind of their own aspiration, found the path to bodily incarnation (“On the book of Genesis”, 7, 24, 25, “Letters” Bl. Augustine was invariably convinced of the high dignity of man and that his life is from God. Therefore, with a deep awareness of human sinfulness, he never lost hope for the salvation of man. Time receives its character and “its measure” from the eternal Divine “today”. God's "today" is the eternity in which He operates and which embraces the three human categories of time: present, past and future. (Ps. 101:28). A person humbly says that he is unable to understand all these reasonings, and in this humility he rather finds God than the one who proudly imagines that he was able to understand the essence of the Divine has “found God.” Wed. In. 15, 2: “he cleanses every branch... that bears fruit...”. Such behavior of the child was considered, perhaps, as an evil omen, and the mother and nurse, trying to ward off the impending misfortune, tried to “atone” the childish malice with the help of some kind of charm. Bl. Augustine was very interested in the psychology of infancy, perhaps in connection with the question that worried him about the origin of the soul. He asked “ordinary women” about infants and observed them himself. These observations led him to the sad conclusion: “Babies are innocent in their bodily weakness, and not in their soul.” Manifestations of anger in a child are not at all so insignificant in themselves; because in the future they will not be tolerated. Bl. Augustine often pointed out that a child does not know what good is and is not capable of it (see “On the City of God,” 22, 22). The child strives to satisfy his desires - and encounters misunderstanding and resistance from adults, causing in him annoyance, bitterness and a desire for revenge. His first reaction to this world is the memory of the grievances inflicted and embitterment. He perceives his environment as something hostile: he is already at odds with the world and with himself. This moral disorder predisposes to further mistakes. The child’s behavior in the future is already spoiled: it is determined by the nature of his initial encounters with the world and his temperament, and this conditioning leads more to evil than to good. The “sins” of a child, according to Bl. Augustine, sins indeed. They come from original sin, which spoiled human nature, but, manifesting itself in the surrounding sinful world, they contribute their share to the element of evil, created and being created by man, consciously and unconsciously. See bl. Augustine. "De peccatorum meritis et remissione", 1, 35, 66. “I grasped with memory”: prensabam memoria – reading O, adopted by Scutella, instead of pensabam (“I pondered, I weighed”), which is in S. Prensabam is a rather rare word; the scribe either unconsciously replaced it with the more common pensabam, or, absent-mindedly, omitted the "r". Prensabam perfectly depicts the “grasping” of words by a child’s memory. For readings of O and S, see BT, No. 15. M., 1976, p. 23. Ps. 21, 3 according to the translation of the 70: οεκ εις ανοιαν εμοι - “I am not foolish,” “so that I do not become stupid.” ("I'm not crazy." - Editorial "ABC of Faith") Already in old age Bl. Augustine wrote that if a person is given a choice between death and returning to childhood and school, then he will prefer death (“On the City of God,” 21, 14). Seneca believed that there is essentially no difference between the games of children and the activities of adults (Dialogues, 2, 12, 1–2). Both gladiatorial games and circus competitions (horses) were organized by the highest city magistrates. These are the so-called “rites preceding Baptism”: a child or adult was made the sign of the cross and given a grain of consecrated salt. The one on whom these rites were performed was ranked among the catechumens, “catechumens,” i.e., persons who could already begin the sacrament of Baptism. It was usually postponed until adulthood: it was believed that Baptism washed away all sins committed before its adoption, and therefore there was no hurry with it. Church Fathers of the 4th century. insisted, however, on the Baptism of children, and in the 5th century. It has already become a custom to baptize children. “God created man from the dust of the ground” (Gen. 2:7); bl. Augustine means by these words a person burdened with sins, without grace; Having received grace in the sacrament of Baptism, a person becomes the image of God. See Confession, XIII, 12. This is my favorite thought. Augustine: punishment is never arbitrary or imposed from above; it is immanent in guilt and flows from it. Completed education throughout the Roman world was received by persons who went through three schools: primary, where they learned reading, writing and arithmetic; grammatical, where they were mainly engaged in reading and interpreting poets and prose writers introduced into the canon of school education, and rhetorical, in which the young man prepared for an oratorical career. For more details, see: M. E. Sergeenko. Life of ancient Rome. M.-L., 1964, p. 169–191. Did the bl. know? Augustine the Greek, they still argue. He himself said about himself that he hardly knew him (Against Petilian, 2, 38, 91). This is unlikely to be true. Starting from grammar school, education was bilingual, and Augustine, a capable boy, took away from school such a store of knowledge that served as the foundation for him to study comparing the Latin Bible with the Greek original (translation of 70 commentators). Greek, however, always remained an alien language to him, just as Hellenic culture was alien: he did not read the Greek classics at all, and of the pagan philosophers and fathers of the Eastern Church he knew only what was translated into Latin. See H. Marrou. S. Augustin et l'augustinisme, Paris, 1956, p. 27–46 and P. Courcelle. Les lettres grecques..., p. 137–209. Aeneas is the main character of Virgil’s Aeneid, the national poem on which all Roman youth, pagan and Christian, were brought up. Aeneas, son of Aphrodite (Venus), relative of Priam, king of Troy, one of the most valiant Trojan heroes. When the Greeks captured Troy by cunning and set it on fire, Aeneas flees the city, gathering the surviving Trojans around him. His wanderings across the sea begin; a storm throws him to Carthage, where he is warmly received by Queen Dido. She fell in love with Aeneas; After his departure, she committed suicide. Wed. Jacob 4:4: “You adulterers, do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity against God?” Extrema secutam (“to follow the last limit”) – sequens extrema (“following the last creatures”): the connection is purely verbal. Teachers often set up schools under the porticoes of the forum and separated them from the rest of the square with a curtain. Such a school is precisely depicted in one Pompeii fresco. Bl. Augustine ironically alludes to the curtains with which in churches they hung the cella, where there were images of especially revered gods. Bl. Augustine is referring to the signs adopted to designate letters. This was the method of teaching counting. The Greeks, having unsuccessfully sat near Troy for ten years, decided to take it by cunning. Pretending that they were sailing to their homeland, they left a huge wooden horse in front of the city, in the middle of which the bravest Greek heroes hid. The deceived Trojans dragged the horse into the city; The Greeks hiding in it opened the gates to their own: that same night Troy burned down. Creusa is the wife of Aeneas. - “Aeneid”, II, 772. A. Sizoo suggested reading VM. id quod non essent (“what was impossible”) – ea nata non essent (“what would not have been born”) - the conjecture is convincing, because bl. Augustine uses the metaphor of conception and birth here (Mnemosyne, 1947, pp. 141–142). Pedagogical councils bl. Augustine is remarkable for his observation and understanding of child and youth psychology. From the dialogues that represent bl. Augustine in a conversation with his students (“On the Teacher”), it is clear that he sought to awaken in them “free curiosity.” “Love for the temporal can be driven out only by feeling the sweetness of the eternal” (Blessed Augustine. “On Music”, 6, 16, 52). The passion of this indignation is understandable. Pagan education, firmly established in school, left an indelible mark in the thoughts, imagination, and hearts of Christian youth. In the original, lignum: “log” is a metonymic designation for a ship; “sea” is a common metaphor for life, “the sea of ​​life”; the ship on which they cross this sea means the Church and the Cross of Christ. The best comment to this place is bl. Augustine gives the Interpretation. on John 2:4: “Why was He crucified? because this tree (lignum) of His humiliation is necessary for you. In your pride you feared Him, and you were carried far from your native land. The waves of the world washed away the road there; Only on this ship (lignum) can you return home. He himself has become a road, but it lies across the sea, you cannot walk along the sea by yourself, a ship will carry you, a “Tree” (Cross) will carry you; believe in the Crucifixion and you can return.” Bl. Augustine hints at some kind of contemporary farce. Paenula - a thick, dark-colored, coarse cloak, apparently the usual clothing of a school teacher (fresco from Pompeii, tombstone from the museum in Trier). Words of Cicero (Tusculan Conversations, I, 26, 65). Bl. Augustine repeatedly speaks approvingly of Euhemerus: “He described all these gods not in chatty tales, but with historical accuracy he certified that they were mortal men” (“On the City of God,” 6, 17). Under the "hellish stream" bl. Augustine means the usual course of classical education. The words “publicly, in the forum” make one think that the forum was an ordinary place for school (see Liv. 3:44); “in the face of the laws” - a copy of the laws was posted on the forum. The city that invited the teacher paid him a “salary” determined by imperial decree; In addition to this, the teacher received a fee from the students. We are talking about the place in Terence’s comedy “The Eunuch” (585...), where the young Chaerea tells how, in the costume of a eunuch, he penetrated the hetera Faida in order to confess his love to a young slave who captivated him with her beauty. Left alone with her and remembering the picture he had just seen, he decides not to miss the opportunity. “Teucrians” was the name of the Trojans, named after their first king, Teucer. King of the Teucrians - Aeneas. Juno (Greek Hera), who was hostile to the Trojans, tried in every possible way to prevent Aeneas and his companions from arriving in Italy, where they were destined to found a great kingdom. The “task” that Bl. talks about. Augustine, was a common exercise in the grammar school. It was necessary not only to quote this passage from the Aeneid in prose (I, 36 – 75), but “to give oratorical force to the poet’s thoughts, to add what was missing, to concisely express what was vague... this is a struggle and competition with the poet” (Quint., X, 5, 4-5). “Winged flock” - these words are used both in the literal sense: birds peck berries from grape shoots that have fallen to the ground, because there is no support under them, - and figuratively: in the bl. Augustine had no support in the Holy Scriptures, and his heart was stolen by fallen angels: “These proud and wicked souls feed not on fragrant smoke, as some fools believe, but on human errors” (Blessed Augustine, “Against Faustus,” 20, 22). Both the thought and its very expression indicate that the influence of the Neoplatonists on the bl. Augustine has passed away over the years. Wed. Plotinus. Enneads, 6, 9, 7: “Having abandoned everything external, one should turn to the internal.” Bl. Augustine combined together the Gospel parable of the prodigal son (Luke 15, 11...) and a place from Plotinus’s Enneads (1, 6, 8). Some phrases are a literal translation from there: “...you don’t need to walk with your feet... you don’t need to prepare either a cart with horses or a ship...”. According to the grammarian Nigidius Figulus, a contemporary of Cicero, incorrect aspiration indicates a lack of culture. In the original: inter omines vm. inter homines. “To the extent that something strives for unity, it exists. Unity creates coherence and unanimity... The simple exists in itself, being one; that which is complex strives for unity by harmonizing its parts and exists to the extent that it succeeds” (Blessed Augustine, “On the Morals of the Manichaeans,” 6). “Everything that exists exists by virtue of unity... health lies in the subordination of the body to one, beauty in the unification of the members into one” (Plotinus. Enneads, 6, 9, 1). Bl. Augustine is referring to the "general sense" of Aristotelian and Stoic psychology: the sense that correlates the impressions received from the senses. Bl. Augustine goes further than his predecessors, attributing to this feeling not only the correlation of external impressions, but also the consciousness of oneself as a subject receiving and correlating these impressions. “I consider it obvious that this inner sense not only perceives what is received from the five external senses, but also feels that they are perceived by it” (“On Free Will”, 2, 4,10). “Seeing beauty in bodies, one should not rush to them, but know that they are likenesses, traces and shadows: one must run to the one of whom they are the likeness” (Plotinus. Enneads. 1, 6, 8). Plotinus explained the need for a single beginning with an example from the material world: bodies divided into many parts lose their character (Ann. 6, 9, 1). “A soul that has left itself will be struck by a certain enormity, and the soul will be tormented by true poverty, for by its nature it is forced to seek the one everywhere, and plurality does not allow this” (Bl. Augustine, “On Order,” 1, 2). “My mortality” by my mortal body (the use of an abstract concept instead of a concrete one is often in St. Augustine). The desires of this body deafened the young man, and this was a punishment for pride, expressed in the desire to be independent of God. Wed. “Confession”, X, 38: “I fell in love with You too late...”. Bl. Augustine, who considered celibacy for himself a mandatory condition for renouncing his former life, did not demand it from others and placed marriage relatively highly (see On the Good of Marriage). God, expelling Adam from paradise, told him: “The earth will produce thorns and thistles for you” (Gen. 3:18). Under the “voice of the clouds” bl. Augustine understands Scripture: “...from the clouds,” that is, from the prophetic and apostolic writings. “It is correct to call them clouds, because these words pass noisily through the air, and, in addition, shrouded in allegories, like fog, they resemble clouds” (“On the book of Genesis”; “Against the Manichaeans”; “On “Genesis” against the Manichaeans”, 2, 3, 5). 1 Cor. 7:28: “The flesh shall have tribulation like this: but ye shall have mercy.” Deut. 32, 39: “...there is no God but Me: I kill and I give life, I smite and I heal.” A city in Numidia, 24 km south of Tagasta (now Souk-Akhras), the hometown of Augustine, now Nidaurukh. Augustine's father, according to Posidius, his biographer, was a member of the city council (decurion). Augustine says that he owned "a small number of plots of land" (Letters Symbolic designation of a place of revelry and obscenity. Tagasta became such a “Babylon” for young Augustine. Jer. 51, 6: “Flee from the midst of Babylon.” It is accepted, following Raumer, adeps - in the sense of “fat earth”. Both Cicero (On the Republic, III, 22, 33) and the Apostle Paul eloquently speak about this “law in the heart”: “... when the pagans, who do not have the law, by nature do what is lawful, then, not having the law, they are a law to themselves: they show that the work of the law is written in their hearts, as their conscience testifies...” (Rom. 2, 14-15). This law, according to bl. Augustine may be obscured, but it will never completely disappear. To the eyes, for example, beauty, to the sense of smell - smell, to touch - softness or hardness, etc. Labriolle and Trabucco both translate vindictae aviditas: "thirst for revenge." One can hardly agree with them: bl. Augustine speaks of worldly goods, albeit inferior, but the use of which is legal within certain limits. Revenge is “a departure from Thy law, O Lord,” and it has no place among legal benefits. Following Raumer, the meaning of vindicta is taken here as a stick with which the magistrate had to touch the freed slave. The slave's dreams of freedom do not in the least contradict God's law. In metaphysics and anthropology Bl. Augustine’s theory of three degrees of good is of great importance: first, highest: summum bonum - God, middle: will media vis, medium bonum (“On Free Will”, 2, 19, 52), lowest: temporary goods. This “vertical” is built on an ethical foundation: will, an active ability, is “double-edged” by nature; she can obey God, become her own law, or obey lower beings. If it is directed towards God, it is healthy and deserves the name voluntas (otherwise it is cupiditas); if she obeys herself, she is thrown down into the temporary and transitory. Sallust. “The Conspiracy of Catiline,” 16, 3, where these words of Catiline are given. Sallust during the 2nd-5th centuries. according to R.H. was one of the favorite writers in African schools. Bl. Augustine mentions him often and respectfully in The City of God. “...righteous judgment will come. The psalmist makes us understand that the punishment of every person follows from his sin: his unrighteousness turns into punishment for him. One cannot think that God, in His peace and inexpressible Light, is seeking from Himself something to punish for sins; no, he imparted such a nature to sin that what a person who commits sin enjoys becomes an instrument of punishment with God who punishes” (“On Psalms”, 7, 16-17); “I was digging a ditch and dug it out and fell into the hole that I had prepared. His anger will turn on his head, and his wickedness will fall on his crown.” Every sin is a kind of competition with God, an awkward and unsuccessful search for goods that only God can give and which cannot be found without Him. The theft committed by Augustine is, from this point of view, an encroachment on freedom and an assertion of one’s own will. “The soul in its sins in proud, perverted and, so to speak, slavish freedom strives to become like God. So it turned out that it was possible to persuade our first parents to sin only with the words: “You will be like gods” (“On the Trinity” Umbra – “shadow”; adumbrare - about imperfect imitation, - ape-making. According to Plato, everything inevitably strives to imitate God. The devil imitates God as a monkey imitates man. “Don’t you dare love (God) less because you have little to blame: love Him even more because you have been given a lot. If they love you because the giver does not demand return, then how much more should you love the One who gave you something in full possession. He who remains in chastity from the very beginning is instructed by Him; whoever became chaste from a libertine was corrected by Him; whoever remains depraved to the end will be abandoned by Him” (On Holy Virginity, 42). Bl. Augustine raised the question of collective psychology, the psychology of the crowd. He was keenly interested in it, and he returned to it several times. A new contamination of the Gospel parable of the prodigal son and the favorite theme of the Neoplatonists about the poverty of the soul, which has turned away from God. “The soul that turns to matter, suffers and beggars, loses its strength. But if she returns to Reason, she will receive completeness and regain her integrity” (Porfiry. “Beginnings”, 37, 32:2–34:3). Carthage was already the most prosperous city in Libya in the time of Strabo (Strabo, 833). Herodian, writing in the middle of the 3rd century. according to R.H., says that it is second only to Rome in wealth and population and disputes with Alexandria its right to second place after Rome (History, 7, 6). Christianity established itself there early, but paganism was also very strong. See “On the City of God,” 2, 4; 7, 26. Veni Carthaginem et circumstrepebat me... sartago... Sartago – “frying pan” was taken for the sake of assonance: sartago – Carthago, assonances were in the taste of the rhetorical school. Bl. Augustine was a keen observer of human mental states and knew how to characterize and analyze them. He describes his youthful experiences in the light of his later experience, Christian and philosophical. a) “longed to love” - a description of the state of mind that is remarkable in its strength and brevity; b) “in secret need”: et secretiore indigentia... The phrase is difficult. Bl. Augustine wants love (“thirded to love”), but (in his opinion) he does not make enough effort to quench this thirst and reproaches himself for this. Maybe he means that spiritual hunger that he talks about next; c) “hated myself”: a feeling of deep dissatisfaction; d) “I hated tranquility...”, that is, the clarity, peace of Christian life, or at least calm, pure friendship; e) “A road without traps” (literally without “moustraps”), that is, a life that does not know vicious love and its anxieties. The rhetoric school considered its direct task to prepare students for the activities of a judicial orator. One of the most important techniques that a future lawyer should be taught was the ability to arouse compassion among judges for their client. Compassion has been discussed since the time of Aristotle (Rhetoric, VI. 1449 b 28; 1450 a 12), cf. Tsits., “On the Orator,” II. 188–196. Bl. Augustine was interested in the very essence of compassion. Theater in Carthage in IV AD. flourished. From the words of Bl. Augustine can conclude that the theatrical repertoire included mainly works by the authors of the “new comedy” (Plautus, Terence), where the action most often revolves around the misfortunes of a couple in love, usually ending with a happy ending. Bl. Augustine remembered Virgil: Bucolics, 3, 3. The characteristic that the bl. gives himself. Augustine, is not confirmed by the testimony of Vincent, one of his Donatist opponents, a bishop in Carten, who knew Bl. Augustine in his student years (“Letters” obsequia; circum – ventoria this word first appears here. The adj. in -orius from nomina agentia in -or is extremely frequent in late Latin. Literally: “overturners” – eversores – people who “overturned” established moral concepts. “What could be more disgusting, what brings more wrath upon a person on the day of God’s wrath and righteous judgment, than joy in someone else’s misfortune, when a person becomes like the devil?” (“On the Education of the Catechumens,” 11). Fallen angels “are likened to people who rejoice in the misfortunes of others, laugh and make fun of them and want to give themselves value through the “overturns” and mistakes of others” (“On True Religion,” 40). Bl. Augustine was well acquainted with the works of Cicero. In his work “Against the Academicians,” I, 3, 7, he calls him “our Cicero.” It is unlikely that there would be at least one person from Bl.’s contemporaries. Augustine, who went through school, to whom the name of Cicero was unknown. “Some Cicero” was explained in different ways: 1) Bl. Augustine emphasized his contempt for pagan culture, which became a custom among Christian writers in the first centuries of Christianity; 2) wishing to note the intervention of Providence, Blessed. Augustine deliberately belittles the importance of man. "Hortensius" was written in the spring of 45 BC; Cicero sought consolation in philosophy after the death of his beloved daughter, Tullia. Only fragments of varying sizes have come down to us from this book; Cicero took as his model Aristotle's Protrepticus (H. Diels. Arch. fur Geshichte d. Philosophie, 1888, 5. 477–497), from which only excerpts also survive. Just like Aristotle, Cicero argued that wisdom is higher than wealth, pleasure, and in general all temporary goods; The only life worthy of man is the life of the spirit. “Hortensia” also gave a brief history of philosophy; names of philosophers and the essence of their doctrines (Thales, Socrates, Democritus, Aristotle, Theophrastus, Posidonius, etc.). From the parable of the prodigal son: “I will arise and go to my father...” (Luke 15:18). “Immortal wisdom”: bl. Augustine quotes a passage from Hortensius (“On the Trinity.” Cicero speaks of immortality: “If, as the most famous of the ancient philosophers thought, our souls are eternal and divine, then it must be assumed that if these people were established in their path, that is, in reflection and passion for research, then the less they came into contact with human vices and errors, the easier it was for them to rise to heaven and return there.” Blessed Jerome experienced the same thing. After reading the classics, the style of the prophets seemed rude and disgusting to him (“Letters” “The devil’s snares” (1 Tim. 3:7; 2 Tim. 2:26). Bl. Augustine speaks of the Manichaeans. The designation of any temptation as “bird glue” is a very common metaphor among Christian writers. Augustine often uses it in the Confessions and in other works (P. Courcelle. La colle et le clou de l'âme. Revue Belge de Philologie et d'histoire, 1958, No. 1, pp. 72–95). Augustine explained the reason for his joining the Manichaeans this way: “You know, Gonarates, that I came to these people because they promised to lead anyone who wants to listen to them to God and free them from all errors, for they are guided by simple, pure reason, having abandoned the formidable authority (of the Church). What else forced me, having despised the religion instilled in me from childhood by my parents, to follow these people for almost nine years and listen attentively to them, if not their statements: we (that is, Christians) are intimidated by superstitions, we are ordered to believe, and not to reason, but they do not force anyone to believe without first explaining the truth. Who wouldn't be tempted by such promises? and even more so a young man who thirsted for truth, a talkative proud man, as I was then.” – “On the benefits of faith”, 1, 2; “I convinced myself that I should trust those who teach more than those who command.” – “On the Blissful Life”, 1, 4. The faces of the Manichaean trinity are not equal to each other. This is how one of the Manichaean leaders characterizes it: “The Father dwells in the pristine highest abode of light, which Paul otherwise calls “impregnable”; The Son is in the second, visible to us; His nature is twofold, and the apostle knew this, who calls Christ the power of God and the wisdom of God (1 Cor. 1:24); we believe that his power resides in the sun, and his wisdom in the moon; we say that the Holy Spirit, the third in dignity, has its presence everywhere in the air; from his power and spiritual outpouring the earth conceived and gave birth to the suffering Christ (patibilem lesum): he is the life and salvation of people and he hangs on every tree” (“Against Faustus”, 20, 1 – 2). “Everything that is beautiful is below Him, but from Him, like daylight from the sun” (Plotinus. Enneads, 6, 9, 4). The sun and moon played an important role in the teachings of the Manichaeans. These were heavenly ships that delivered divine particles freed from the captivity of matter to the kingdom of light. And these luminaries themselves were considered divine. “They say that these ships are made of pure divine substance” (“On Heresy”, 46 the light visible with our eyes is ranked among the highest deities” (“On the Blessed Life”, 4). Phantasma: bl. Augustine explains this word as a visual image, arbitrarily created; it is the opposite of the real image that memory preserves: phantasia. The image of his father was for Augustine phantasia, and the image of his grandfather, whom he had never seen, phantasma (“On Music”, 6, 11, 32). Augustine was the first Latin writer to use the word in its philosophical meaning. From memory, from the memory of what we actually saw. The objects we see are real; there is less reality in our ideas about these objects, and the assumptions built on the basis of these ideas are completely unrealistic. The highest creatures are spiritual creatures - angels. Conditionibus: bl. Augustine uses this word in the biblical and ecclesiastical sense: “creatures” in the abstract (the act of creation) and concrete (this is a creation) meaning. Parable of the Prodigal Son (Luke 15:16). Bl. Augustine may be hinting at a loss of interest in literature, which he compares to pods. Wed. Jerome. “Letter to Damaz about the Prodigal Son”: “The “pods” can be interpreted differently: the verses of poets, worldly wisdom, and the pompous speeches of rhetoricians serve as food for demons.” After killing the children, Medea flew away in a chariot drawn by winged dragons from Corinth to Athens. The Manichaeans divided the kingdom of darkness into five regions or caves: there was the cave of Darkness, Smoke, Stormy Wind, Destructive Fire, Harmful Water. We must seek God, says Bl. Augustine, in the very depths of his heart: God is higher than the highest in man, but He is present even in the heart of a sinner. Proverbs 9, 13–17. “Riddle” – enigma; “a riddle, to put it briefly, is called a “dark Allegory” (“On the Trinity” Cf. Quintus 8, 6, 52: “The darker allegory is called a riddle.” Augustine interpreted this part of Solomon’s parable symbolically: the “reckless woman” represents a person living in the external and material. “You raise a question that tormented me in my youth, and, tired, pushed me towards heretics. I was so upset, I was crushed by such a pile of empty fables that if I had not received Divine help for my love of seeking truth, I would not have gotten out” (“On Free Will”, 1, 2, 4). The Manichaeans rejected the Old Testament for its anthropomorphism in the concept of God; they condemned the bloody sacrifices accepted in Jewish worship and the behavior of the patriarchs: Abraham, without objection, allowed his concubine Hagar to be expelled and lied, passing off his wife as his sister; They called Jacob “the husband of four wives”; in addition to his two legal wives, Leah and Rachel, he had two more slave-concubines. The Manichaeans were strong in their criticism of Old Testament morality. It was possible to object to them only on the basis of the principle of the historical development of all morality and dogma, but such a point of view is usually inaccessible to either the true believers or heretics. At bl. Augustine had this historical sense. The following discussion is remarkable in its breadth of vision and insight. This idea bl. Augustine borrowed from the Neoplatonists. “In general, the lack of good should be considered evil” (Plotinus, Enneads, 3,2,5). His serviunt: servire in the sense of “agreeing to something” is found in Cicero (“On the Orator”, 2, 40, 171). “If we use treasury funds for military equipment and for the splendor of peaceful life, let us agree to taxes.” His thoughts on the morality of the patriarchs Bl. Augustine elaborated in his writings against the Manichaeans: “Against Faustus,” 22, 30–38; “On the Good of Marriage”, 24. Matt. 22, 37–39; Mk. 12, 30–31. That is, it should be punished, like those offenses discussed above. Bl. Augustine distinguishes between flagitia “offenses” and facinora “crimes”: “When uncontrollable passion spoils soul and body, it is an offense (flagitium); when she acts to the detriment of another, it is a crime (facinus) (“On Christian Doctrine”, 3, 10, 16). Of the ten Mosaic commandments, the first three determine man’s relationship to God, and the remaining seven set out “how people should live among themselves. Let us add them to the first three if we wish to sing a new song on the ten-stringed psalter” (“Sermons”, 9, 5, 6 With great subtlety bl. Augustine uses here the contrast between unus, universitas and pars. His thought is this: God, the Creator of everything, put the seal of unity on the world, brought everything to a single order; This order makes the world a “single whole” - universitas. A person “breaks” this integrity, preferring, out of personal pride and personal sympathies, “one part”, “an imaginary unity”: he thus places the “part” above the “whole”; with the dignity belonging to the “whole” - universitati - it invests the “part”. Habendi – amittendi “get – miss”: antithesis, emphasized by the same ending. “A will that has turned away from the unchangeable and common good to its own... sins” (“On Free Will,” 2, 19, 53). Peccata proficientium - sins of evolving man; they deserve condemnation and at the same time promise something good; actions that “do not offend either God or people”; those in which, in addition to completely legitimate motives, there are also “overtones” that are by no means of a high moral quality. Under this category bl. Augustine sums up the suicide of Samson and the command to sacrifice Isaac (“On the City of God,” 1, 26). “You (Manichaeans) say that the fruit experiences pain when it is plucked from the tree, when it is cut, crushed, boiled, eaten” (“Against Faustus”, VI, 4). “They say that it is better for a person to be a usurer than a farmer: the one who gives money on interest does not damage the “cross of light,” but the farmer greatly damages it. What is the “cross of light” (crux luminis) you ask? These, they say, are particles of God, captured in that battle and mixed with the whole world: they are in trees, in herbs, in fruits, in grains. The particles of the deity are wounded by the one who cuts a furrow in the earth; particles of the deity are wounded by the one who pulls grass out of the ground; particles of the deity are wounded by the one who picks the fruit from the tree” (“On Psalms”, 140, 12). “If the fruits are offered as food to the “saints,” then as a result of their purity, prayers and psalms, these particles are released and return to their kingdom” (“On the Manners of the Manichaeans,” 15, 36; “On Heresy,” 45 with folded arms you wait for one of your “listeners” to feed you (“the saints”): armed with a knife or sickle, he runs out into the garden and, the killer of pumpkins, brings them to you alive corpses” (“Against Faustus”, 6, 4). “Saints”, “elect” - the Manichaean elite, “initiates”, who were prescribed strict vegetarianism, renunciation of marriage and all activities. “Listeners” are the lowest level of Manichaeism: they were allowed to act, and they served the “saints.” The translation dente et ventre “with teeth and guts” does not convey the sonorous assonance of the Latin, which gives a sharp, contemptuous sound to the phrase. Serving bread to a non-Manichaean meant, according to Manichaean views, plunging “particles of light” even deeper into the prison of matter. Bl. Augustine reproached the Manichaeans for this limitation of mercy (“On the Manners of the Manichaeans,” 15, 36). Dreams and visions are especially common in stories from the lives of African Christians. See P. Courcelle. "Anteredents biographiques des Contessions". Revue de Philol., 1957, v. 31, r. 31. For Augustine, the cycle of “free sciences” included grammar, dialectics, rhetoric, arithmetic, geometry, music theory, and astronomy. The Manichaeans were persecuted by both the Church and the state. Severe laws against them were issued by Valentinian I in 372. They were also issued by his predecessors, starting with Diocletian. Apparently they were not carried out very strictly. The liberated “particles of light,” returning to the kingdom of Light, increase its power and contribute to the victory of light over darkness. See book. III, approx. 49. In. 6, 27; Ps. 8, 3; 1 Cor. 3, 1–2. The time is given indefinitely. Events about which bl. Augustine tells in this chapter and the next, happened after what he talks about in ch. 4th. It is impossible to assume that the events of the 2nd and 3rd chapters took place in Tagaste: 1) Augustine’s secretary and biographer Possidius definitely says that Augustine was first a “grammarist” in Tagaste and began teaching rhetoric only later, in Carthage (Vita Aug., 1, 2; 2); in such a small provincial town as Tagasta, there could hardly be a rhetoric school. Bl. Augustine, apparently, was interested here in the selection of facts characterizing his internal state when he was a Manichaean. Bl. Augustine loved his illegitimate son Adeodatus very much. See Confession, IX, 14. In ancient Rome, haruspices were priests who were responsible for interpreting miraculous signs that foreshadowed the wrath of the gods. They also had to indicate how to appease the angry deity. In Africa, during the time of Augustine, a haruspex is a sorcerer, a sorcerer who resorts to the help of dark forces to help his client. The killing of animals was strictly prohibited by the Manichaeans. Ps. 72, 27 and Os. 12, 1. “Feed the winds” - engage in some pointless activity. The name “mathematics” was lost during the time of bl. Augustine's high value. ““Mathematicians” were then called not those who are now called by this name: they were people who studied the flow of time by the movement of the sky and stars; now those who want to subordinate our actions to the celestial bodies and betray us to the stars are called “mathematicians” (Div. qua_est., 1., 83, 14, 1–2). The law of Valentinian I threatened astrologers and those who consulted with them with death (Code Theodosius, 9, 16, 8), but in practice, Tacitus’s poisonous remark: “This type of people will always be persecuted and always retained” (Ist., I, 22) remained valid even for the 4th century AD Augustine recalls a certain Albitcerius, who was highly respected in Carthage for his predictions (Against the Academicians, I, 6, 17). Matt. 16, 27; Rome 2, 6; Ps. 50, 19. Augustine speaks of Vindicianus, the chief city physician of Carthage, a medical celebrity of the time. He was the court physician of Valentinian and, according to the custom of that time, was awarded the proconsulate. Two works remain from him: Gyna_ecia, where he followed Soranus of Ephesus, and De expertis remediis. See Schanz–Hosius–Kruger. Gesch. d. Romischen Literatur, B. IV, S. 849. Astrologers - genethliacorum, "watching for birth" (γενεθλυακος) - "dealing with birth." “They were called genethliaci because they kept track of birthdays; now they are usually called “mathematicians” (“On Christian Doctrine”, 2, 21, 32). “Those who by their origin should be called “Chaldeans” are called “mathematicians” by people” (GM, NoAtt., 1, 96); "those who call themselves Chaldeans or genethliaci" (ibid., 14, 1, 1). These thoughts of Vindician suggest that he was a Neoplatonist: successful predictions are explained, in his opinion, not by one case, but by a certain consonance between the universe and various states of the soul. According to Plato, the universe is “a whole in sympathy with itself” (Ann. 4, 4, 32 and 35), “a single being.” This universal sympathy imparts the effectiveness of prayer (4, 4, 41) and magic (4, 4, 40) and explains the influence of the stars on man. The luminaries are not the causes of phenomena, but they communicate about them and turn out to be, as it were, their signs. Conflorentem flore favorite bl. Augustine and his frequent figura etymologica (the use of words from the same root). Ps. 35, 7; Wed Rome. 11, 33. Friend bl. Augustine was probably, like Augustine himself, a “catechumen” from childhood. The Church treated the baptism of the sick with restraint, believing that it was done not out of free will, but out of necessity. Persons baptized in this way could not become priests. Naturally, however, there was a desire not to leave the catechumen without baptism: people were baptized even when they were unconscious. The Third Council of Carthage sanctioned this practice in cases where the relatives of the patient vouched that he expressed a desire to be baptized. The Manichaeans rejected baptism, believing that it did not bring any salvation. "Trust in God." Bl. Augustine recalls the words of the same psalm; the god in whom he then believed was only a creation of the imagination, a "ghost", phantasma. See note. 25 to book. III (In this publication, book 3, chapter 6, footnote 6 Wed. Euripides, irg., 577: “Delight for mortals in disasters, lamentations and streams of tears. They ease grief and resolve great anguish of the heart.” Is the transcendence of God such that He is indifferent to our suffering, and we have nothing to expect from Him for help and consolation in grief? Bl. Augustine never doubted that Providence was attentive to people and cared for them. Heroes of Greek mythology who were examples of ideal friendship. Horace. "Odes", 1, 3, 8. According to Diogenes Laertius (6, 1, 20), Aristotle gave the following definition of friendship: “One soul living in two bodies.” That is, understanding and accepting human mortality and limitations. Augustine left without telling his mother anything (Against the Academicians, 2, 2, 3). Romanian, citizen of Tagasta, rich man and friend of Bl. Augustine, who lived with him when Monica refused to let Augustine into her home, provided him with funds to move and settle in a new place. So bl. Augustine calls the doctrine of the Manichaeans. Prurientes in auribus - “with itching in the ears.” Wed. 2 Tim. 4, 3. Redamantium ("mutual love"); redamare was first written by Cicero - “On Friendship”, 14, 49. Like many words created by him, it appears again only in later writers: Macrobius (Saturnalia, 6, 6, 8); Symmachus ("Letters" Life 1, 1 and Jer. 23, 24. Ps. 118, 142; In. 14, 6. The first line of Ambrose's Evening Hymn. See Confession, IX, 15 and 32 In this opposition of “part” and “whole” there is, perhaps, a reminiscence of the Porphyrian “Aphormai”, where the main provisions of Plotinus expressed in the “Enneads” are either aphoristically compressed or developed in detail. Plotinovo Εις (“One”) is God, “The Whole.” Modern researchers bl. Augustine believe that the Neoplatonists could have introduced Augustine to the philosophy of “reasonable doing”: by entering into itself, cleansing itself of the sensory in order to better master itself, the soul finds the truth. See A. Solignac. "Reminescences plotiniennes et porphyriennes", p. 455–464. Bl. Augustine thinks about the law written in the heart of man (Rom. 2:15). In. 1, 10; 1 Tim. 1, 15. “By humbling ourselves in repentance, the soul receives its height” (Blessed Augustine, “On Free Will,” 3, 5). “Human mortal nature is inflated with pride. And so that man would not consider himself unworthy to imitate the humble, the Lord Himself became humiliated, so that at least after this human pride would not consider it unworthy to follow in His footsteps.” Nothing is known about Gieria except what is reported by Bl. Augustine: in the second half of the 4th century. many philosophers and statesmen bore this name (Phoenician philosopher, correspondent of Libanius; Neoplatonist philosopher; student of Iamblichus and teacher of Maximus; vicar of Africa). To whom did Augustine dedicate his book? In any case, the addressee was a major figure: a philosopher and orator. Bl. Augustine feels that, admiring the actor, he sees in him an instrument acting for his pleasure, and not a man in his highest dignity. He dwells here, however, not so much on a moral problem as on a psychological riddle. Book bl. Augustine's "On the Beautiful and the Appropriate" is lost. She would have given a lot for judging him, the young man, his mental interests, philosophical culture and the influence of the Manichaeans on him. Augustine considered in it one of the central problems of Platonism: the essence of the beautiful, the relationship between it and the “suitable” (see “Symposium” 211a; “Phaedrus” 249a; 264 and especially “Hippias the Elder” 290 a - 296 pp. Cf. Cicero. “On Duties”, I, 27-28, 93-99. For possible sources of Augustine, see K. Sloboda. “L'esthetique de S. Augustin et ses sources”, Brno et Paris, 1935, pp. 10–16. Bl. Augustine in this work accepts Manichaean dualism, but the mythological form in which it was presented apparently no longer satisfied him, and he turned to philosophical terminology, using in his own way the Pythagorean monad and dyad - sine sexu. (cf. Macrobius. Dream of Scipio, 1, 6, 8): “The Monad, that is, unity, is both male and female.” Ps. 17, 29; In. 1, 16; Jacob 1, 17. According to Manichaean teaching, the good in the human soul “comes from the very substance of God.” In the vile ventosa cervix – “wind-blown neck” – is a bold metaphor. “The just punishment for sin is that a person loses what he did not want to use well... he who did not want to do right when he could, loses this opportunity when he wants to do right” (On Free Will, 3, 18, 52). Aristotle's "Categories" form the first part of the Organon (a collection of treatises on logic); their authenticity is now disputed by many, but the question remains unresolved. This book was extensively commented on in the first centuries AD, especially by Neoplatonists. Translated into Latin by Marius Victorinus, it became the foundation for the teaching of logic in the West in the Middle Ages. This translation was probably read by Bl. Augustine. Aristotle lists predicates that can be applied to the subject: ουσια – quality; ποτον – what size; ποσον – what quality; προσ τι - in what relation to something; πυ – where; ποτε – when; κεισυα – position; εχειυ – state; παειυ – what does; πασχεσυ - what endures. Influenced by Manichaean anthropology, Bl. Augustine believed that these nine categories also apply to God as a subject distinct from the attributes of greatness, beauty, etc. The distinction between a substance and its attributes does not apply to God. What books were these? First of all, Varro's Novem disciplinarum libri (the first Latin encyclopedia of the liberal arts), which served as a source for works on the same topics in Kasiciak, which Bl. Augustine began soon after his conversion, but did not complete it. Varro's book is lost, like other books that Augustine read. About the volume of knowledge of that time. Augustine can only be judged on the basis of his own writings. He was well acquainted with astronomy and arithmetic. Experts in the first - they were called “mathematicians”, included two classes: real specialists - astronomers and astrologers, compilers of horoscopes. Bl. Augustine studied the books of the latter a lot, but was also interested in real astronomy. He also knew the principles of “arithmetic” of his time, that is, the theory of numbers and a number of numerical operations that can be considered as the threshold of algebra. The guide was the same Varro, his “De arithmetica, de principiis numerorum” - the doctrine of numbers in the spirit of the Pythagorean school, which gave numbers a mystical meaning (for example, 10, the symbol of the universe: Pythagorean tetrad (quaternary): 1 † 2 † 3 † 4). He probably also read the “Introductio arithmetica” by Nicomachus of Gerase, a Pythagorean and follower of Plato at the end of the 1st century. according to R.H., which Apuleius translated into Latin. Like the prodigal son from the gospel parable (Luke 15). Ps. 62, 8; Is. 46, 3–4 .е De manu linguae mea: in the original “by the hand of my tongue” cf. XI, 13 “the hand of my mouth”; IX, 2 “proclaim with the tongue of reeds.” Ps. 18, 7 and Ps. 138, 15; The first two chapters are, as it were, a commentary on this psalm. Sinners are like dark spots in the overall picture of the world. “The whole world (universitas rerum) is like a picture where black paint is superimposed in its place; it is beautiful even with its sinners, although, if considered in themselves, they are ugly.” (“On the City of God,” XI, 23). “Scripture speaks of the enemies of God. They resist God not because of their nature, but because of their vices; They cannot harm him, they harm themselves. They are enemies of God because of their desire to resist Him, and not because of their strength to cause Him harm.” - About the City of God, 12, 3. Both places are a hidden polemic with the Manichaeans, who believed that the king of darkness won a real victory over the kingdom of light. “There is no one in whom God is not present; he is with everyone - and with those who do not know it” (Plotinus. Enneads. 6, 9, 7). Faustus from Milevo (now Mila, a city in Numidia 50 km northeast of Constantine) was born into a poor pagan family, converted to Manichaeism, spent part of his life in Rome, where he became the bishop of the Manichaeans (the Manichaeans had 72 “bishops”; above them stood 12 “teachers” and a “chief of teachers”; priests and deacons were subordinate to them). Probably in 382 he came to Carthage, where he remained until Augustine's departure. Around 385 he was accused of Manichaeism and exiled to a deserted island. He wrote a book in which he outlined the foundations of the Manichaean religion. Bl. Augustine answered it approx. 400 with the composition “Against Faustus” from 33 books: each of them begins with a long quotation from the work of Faustus. See "Memoires des l'Academie des inscriptions et Belles" - Lettres, Paris, 1924. Judging by the context, we are talking about works on astronomy and natural history, but bl. Augustine was generally familiar with ancient philosophy. He drew his information from many respected sources: he knew the doxographic collection of Cornelius Celsus “Opiniones ominum philosophoruum”, “Physicae opiniones” by Theophrastus; "Successiones" by Sotin with their biographical notes. Diels believed that Augustine's philosophical education was significantly above the usual level. H. Diels. "Doxographi graeci", 1879, Berl., p. 174. Prem. 13, 9. The accuracy of astronomical calculations greatly benefited when compared with the “Manichaean fables.” Science helped Augustine escape from the Manichaeans. Bl. Augustine loved to interpret allegorical biblical images. “Look at the “birds of the air,” at these proud people, about whom it is said that they raised their heads to the sky. Look how the wind carries them to the heights. Look at the “fishes of the sea,” that is, at the curious ones, “who walk along the paths of the sea,” that is, in the abysses of this age, they are looking for the temporary - something that disappears as quickly as the “paths of the sea”: they are flooded with water immediately after they have walked on them... “Beasts of the field” is most correct to designate people who rejoice in carnal pleasure” (“On Psalms,” 8, 9). Divine wisdom is innumerable, but Christ, Who was this wisdom (1 Cor. 1:30), allowed Him to be “counted” as a payer of taxes (Matthew 22:17-21), thus showing His humility, so contrary to the pride of philosophers. “Collapsed”... cf. Is. 14, 12–13: “How you have fallen from heaven, Lucifer, son of the dawn! crashed to the ground... And he said in his heart: “I will ascend into heaven, I will exalt my throne above the stars of God.” “He (Mani) taught us about the structure of the world, why it was created, what it was made of... taught us why there is day and why there is night, taught us about the movement of the sun and moon” (Acts against Felix, 1, 9). This is how, for example, the Manichaeans explained the phases of the moon: it increased as it was loaded with liberated particles of light. Having transported them to the sun, she hid. It is difficult to say whether the Holy Spirit in the understanding of Mani was the same as in the understanding of Christians. Some scholars think that by the Comforter he meant a sage sent by Christ to purify and perfect Christianity. “Enricher” – ditator – this word appears for the first time. Eph. 3, 13–14, 24; 1 Peter 2, 2. Faust's education must have seemed very meager. Augustine, who already in his early work (Against the Academicians, 3, 17–19) briefly outlined the history of philosophy from Plato to the Neoplatonists. In The City of God he quotes Plato, Plotinus, Porphyry, Homer, Virgil, Ennius, Horace, Lucian, Persia, Plautus, Terence, Cicero, Sallust, Livy, Pliny, Seneca, Apuleius, Varro, Gellius, Florus, not to mention ecclesiastical writers. In Rome, students were under the supervision of civil authorities: Codex Theodosius, 14, 9, 1. For student morals of that time, see I. Tsvetaev. From the life of higher schools of the Roman Empire. M., 1902, p. 78–114. The chapel was located on the New Square north of Carthage. In later life Bl. Augustine was greatly influenced by the writings of this great Carthaginian bishop, who was revered both as a martyr for the faith (executed in 258) and as a wise and experienced shepherd. Augustine often referred to him in disputes with the Donatists as a fighter for the unity of the Church. Original sin, according to bl. Augustine, includes: 1) hereditary guilt and, as a consequence, mortality; 2) disorder and weakness of the human soul, expressed: a) in the powerlessness of the will, unable to decide on good; b) ignorance of God and goodness; c) in an active pursuit of evil. These thoughts were rooted in their own experience and introspection - “they died in Adam” (1 Cor. 15:22). All matter, according to the Manichaeans, belongs to the kingdom of darkness. Therefore, they argued that Christ did not have a real human body and the death on the cross was imaginary. That is, physical and spiritual. That is, bread and wine for the Eucharist. Ps. 117, 1; Ps. 137, 8. Antithesis, often found in different writers (Philo, Dion Chrysostom, Julian). Wendland believed that it comes from Heraclitus. See P. Wendland. "Betrogene Betrüger", Rhein. Museums, 1894, V. 49, 5. 309–310. See note. 49 to book III. That is, evil was not a special principle in him that could be separated from his personality. The “good soul,” according to the teachings of the Manichaeans, was a particle of the Divine. Bl. Augustine, following the Manichaeans, must admit that when he sins, God Himself suffers defeat. Bl. Augustine suggested that the skepticism of the New Academy only masked its real purpose: to defend Plato's spiritualism against the materialist criticism of the Stoics and Epicureans. According to the teachings of the Manichaeans, in the north there is a kingdom of goodness and light, in the south - darkness and matter; the kingdom of darkness juts out like a wedge (“the wedge of the Manichaeans”) into the kingdom of light. To explain this “wedge,” Augustine took bread common in Roman antiquity, which was shaped so that it could easily be broken into four wedge-shaped pieces; in the kingdom of light there were three white “wedges”, endless up, down and in both directions; the fourth “wedge,” black, belonged to the kingdom of darkness, was endless in depth and length; above this “land of darkness” stretched an endless void (Blessed Augustine, Against the Manichaean Bishops, 21). It is worth noting the irony in this combination of contradictions: the infinite and the narrower or wider. It is quite difficult to understand the Christology of the Manichaeans, because, firstly, its original concept was contaminated with local beliefs; secondly, the Manichaeans themselves, due to its secret nature, liked to limit themselves to hints, and, thirdly, the Manichaean texts concerning Christology were preserved by the opponents of the Manichaeans, who, while refuting the particulars, missed the general meaning. Some provisions can still be grasped: the lord of light sends the “first man” to fight the “tribe of darkness”; “You want the son of this “first man” to be considered the Lord Jesus Christ” (“Against Faustus”, 2, 3-4). He was not born of the Virgin: human birth, that is, mixing with matter, is unworthy of the Divine. The human in Christ is only an appearance. “We have three Christs: the earth gave birth to one, conceived by the Holy Spirit: he hangs not only on every tree, but also abides in the herbs; another was crucified by the Jews under Pontius Pilate; the third was divided between the sun and the moon” (“Against Faustus”, 20, 11). Who this Ellidius was is unknown. “When your opponents tell you “prove it,” you do not turn to manuscripts that are more correct, more numerous, older, or written in another language from which the translation was made. You simply say: “I accept this as genuine because it supports me, otherwise I reject this because it contradicts me.” So are you the standard of truth? (Against Faustus, 11, 2). Ps. 138, 22. “To hate with perfect hatred means not to hate people because of their vices and not to love vices because of people” (Blessed Augustine, “On the Psalms”). The prefect of the city (i.e., Rome) is one of the largest officials of the Roman Empire, in charge of the entire life of the huge city, the sole manager of all city affairs. This post was held in 384 by Symmachus, an orator and writer. As prefect of the city, he had to know all the grammarians and rhetoricians who taught in Rome, the school at that time was a state one. The Mediolans turned to him both as the head of the city and as a writer whose assessment they could rely on. Cities already from the 1st century. The Roman Empire began to host schools, maintained with city funds. There is a competition between those who want to occupy the teaching chair; The Mediolans provided the device to Symmachus. Bl. Augustine, having received the approval of Symmachus, became, albeit unofficially (for confirmation in the position, a decision of the city council was also required, but in this case it turned out to be an empty formality), a government official and, as the next one to his destination, could “use horses intended for riding for state needs.” From the time of Diocletian until its capture by Attila, Milan was the seat of the Emperor of the West. Ps. 80, 17; Ps. 103, 15; Ps. 44, 8. That is, with the hospitality of a real bishop. See 1 Tim. 3, 2. The grounds on which bl. Augustine left the Manichaeans: 1) their system did not satisfy his spiritual hunger: he was looking for God, and they offered him fairy tales about the sun and the moon; demanding asceticism, they could not give strength for self-restraint (“On the Benefits of Faith,” 1, 3); 2) the morality of some of the “chosen ones” did not meet its requirements (“On the Morals of the Manichaeans,” 68–72); 3) “they were more eloquent in refuting others, and not so strong in their proofs” (“On the Benefits of Faith,” 1, 2, cf. 7, 3); 4) their assertion that all texts of Scripture that contradict their teaching are insertions is absurd (“On the Benefit of Faith,” 3, 7; 5, 21); 5) the falsity of their “astronomy” (“Confession”, V, 6 IX, 12 6) Faust, an ignorant man, was a famous teacher in this sect. What was the whole sect worth? Ps. 34:6, 72:26, ​​67:23. This is the last place bl. Augustine explains this: “In the abyss of the world lie those drowned under the burden of sins.” Monica arrived in Milan in the spring of 385. The gatekeeper, the cemetery watchman, at this time was, along with the subdeacons, readers and servants, ranked among the junior members of the clergy (Code of Theodosius, 13, 1). Becoming a priest, Bl. Augustine used all his influence to destroy this custom in Africa. See Letters 9–10 to Alypius, Bishop of Tagasta, and 22, 3–6 to Aurelius, Bishop of Carthage. In addition to its similarity to pagan funerals, this holiday often served as an excuse for drunken and riotous revels. A hint at the church service, which Bl. Augustine tried to replace the usual commemorations: “I persuaded them to come at noon to listen to the reading of Scripture and the singing of psalms: thus, this day should be celebrated in greater purity” (from the letter to Alypius mentioned above). Pagan commemorations were always accompanied by feasts at the graves of the deceased. The Church established the custom on the feast of the remembrance of martyrs to perform the liturgy and give communion to the faithful in the cemetery where the remains of the martyrs were buried, whose “memory was commemorated.” Literally: “chewed.” Bl. Augustine compared people who meditate on the words of Scripture and return repeatedly to the same text to ruminants. Ambrose's silent reading seemed amazing; the ancients read aloud. What bl. Augustine disputed in the Church, following the Manichaeans and believing that it attributes a human form to God, which was precisely rejected by the Church. Augustine rejoices that his thoughts coincide with the church faith, and is ashamed of his mistake. Exact translation of παιτακου κα ουδαμου of the Neoplatonists. See Ann. 3, 9, 4; 5, 5, 8 and 9. In the writings written shortly after his conversion, Bl. Augustine speaks of geometry and arithmetic as sciences that confirm the existence of unshakable truth; they seem to open the door to the spiritual world (Monologues, 1, 4, 9; “On Order,” 2, 19, 50; “On Free Will,” 2, 8, 20). “True religion can only be acquired by obedience to an authoritative command and the belief that subsequently, if a person lives well and proves worthy, he will comprehend and understand everything” (On the Benefits of Faith, 9). “No one is able to find God unless he first believes what he later learns” (On Free Will, 2, 2, 6). “Understand my word so that you can believe it; believe the word of God in order to understand it” (Sermons, 4, 3). “It is difficult to consider and recognize the essence of God, who, without changing, creates the changing, creates the temporary outside of time. Therefore, in order to see the unspeakable in an ineffable way, one must purify the mind; if it has not yet been purified, faith nourishes us and leads us along some accessible roads to make us capable of perceiving this (unspeakable)” (“On the Trinity” Augustine elaborates on the role of trust in human life in De fide rerum, quae non videntur, 1–2; “On the Benefits of Faith,” 9–14, 21–32. What philosophers did young Augustine read? Since we are talking about the existence of God and Providence, one might think about Cicero and his “On the Nature of the Gods,” but Augustine would probably have directly named him. Most likely, he read doxographic collections (that is, collections of opinions of various philosophers), where questions about the nature of the deity are treated in detail (H. Diels, cit. cit., pp. 297–307), and about Providence briefly (ibid., pp. 329–330). Aristotle and Epicurus denied the gods' care for man; the Stoics thought that “the gods take care of the important and neglect the small” (Cicero. On the nature of the gods, 2, 66). Augustine rejected this “neglecting providence” (On Nature, I, 1). Altitudo Sacramentorum. We are talking about the symbolic (“spiritual”) interpretation of Scripture, which Augustine heard from Ambrose and which goes back to Origen and St. Paul (Gal. 4, 22 – 31). Sacramentum means sensory, directly perceived reality through which spiritual truth is perceived. Scripture is Sacramentum: the facts it talks about can be understood literally, in the literal sense, but these real facts also reveal the depths of spiritual truths. A panegyric to Emperor Valentinian II on the occasion of the tenth anniversary of his reign, which was celebrated on November 22, 385. Augustine, as the official teacher of the rhetoric school, was supposed to compose it. African immorality has become a proverb: “Who does not know that all Africans in general are shameless, except those who have turned to God” (Salvian. On the Rule of God, 7, 16). He especially singles out Carthage: “There is no part of this city that is not full of abomination. Is there a square or alley in the city that does not represent an indecent house” (ibid., 17). (Salvian was a priest in Massilia - Marseille - in the middle of the 5th century). Circus - among the ancients, this was the place where horse racing took place. On the circus hobby, see Pliny. "Letters" Alypius was bishop of Tagaste already in 395; the year of his death is unknown, but in 428 - 429. he was alive and held the position of Archbishop of Numidia. He always supported Augustine in his struggle against heresies as a student and as a friend. See P. Monceaux. "Histoire litteraire de l'Afrique chrétienne", Paris, 1923, v. VII, p. 54–58. Manichean ethics prescribed “three seals”: ​​“seal of the mouth” - lies, blasphemy, apostasy, oath are prohibited; “hand seal” – it is forbidden to kill people and animals, destroy plants; “seal of the womb” - it is prescribed to abstain from sexual intercourse. Judging by Augustine's words, the Manichaeans did not strictly follow these instructions. Augustine was interested in the psychology of crowds. See "Confession", book. II, ch. 8–9 (stealing pears in a friendly company). Here its influence on a person is subtly and accurately depicted. A recitation was a speech that a student composed on a topic given by the teacher, then learned it by heart and pronounced it (“recited”) in the class in the presence of students and everyone who wanted to come to listen to the young speaker. Recitation was the completion and crown of teaching in the rhetoric school. The ancients wrote with a sharp stick (style) on tablets covered with a layer of wax. The Street of Jewelers was located under the Forum and was connected to it by stairs. Litigation became one of the bishop's permanent duties: believers did not want to go to the pagan court. Possidius, Augustine's biographer, says that Augustine spent the whole day engaged in legal proceedings. This was a very high position, which, according to the “table of ranks,” came immediately after the consulars (former consuls): they were in charge of imperial finances throughout the entire district. Assessors are legal advisers responsible for assisting officials on legal matters. Alypius, apparently, did not want the scribes, who were busy copying official documents and were paid for this from judicial funds, to copy books for him, receiving remuneration from the same funds. This practice, apparently, was widespread and was not even prohibited (“the authorities allowed it”). That is, when should I prepare for classes. According to the teachings of Epicurus, who considered death to be the complete destruction of both soul and body. Augustine dreams of the position of praeses. After the reorganization of the empire under Diocletian and Constantine, the number of provinces was increased; Their rulers, depending on the importance of the areas they governed and the scope of their jurisdiction, were divided into three classes: consulars, correctors, and presidents. In the West there were 22 consuls, 3 proofreaders and 31 presidents. The last rulers, of the third class, ruled in small provinces. “I knew that I could only be abstinent if God granted it to me” (cf. Wis. 8:21). Augustine often uses this metaphor when talking about love for beautiful objects, physical pleasure, carnal desires, and in general about everything that binds a person to the perishable, transient. “Marriage age” was considered twelve years old (Justin. Inst. 1, 10, 22). The idea of ​​this “philosophical phalanstery” was probably suggested by the Manichaean monastery founded in Rome by a certain Constantius (“On the Manners of the Manichaeans,” 20, 74; Against Faustus, 5, 5) and the project of “Plato’s City,” which was among the Neoplatonists and about which Augustine could read in Porphyry’s “Life of Plotinus,” appended to the “Enneads.” Ps. 32, 10, 11; Proverbs 19, 21. The union with this woman, according to the concepts of that time, was by no means shameful or reprehensible. Roman law recognized concubinage as a legal union, albeit of a somewhat lower order. Lex Julia and Papia Poppaea ("Roman laws regarding the union of a man and a woman") are now lost, but Heinetius (German jurist, 1681 - 1741), who read them, says that it said: "Those who cannot be taken as wives according to this law can be taken as concubines." In the law of 425, the concubinage is called a “legal union.” The Church Council in Toledo in 403 resolved this issue in accordance with Roman law: “If a married man takes a concubine, then he will be deprived of the sacrament. If an unmarried man takes a concubine as his wife, then he should not be deprived of the sacrament. One should be content with a union with one woman, be it a concubine or a wife, as one pleases.” The union with the unknown woman that Augustine speaks of was based on strong affection. Apparently, this woman’s social status prevented him from being legitimized: she was probably a freedwoman. “In every being subject to change, death is nothing other than change, for it destroys in it what was” (“Against the Manichaeans,” 2, 12, 2). “Youth” – adulescentia – age from 15 to 30. Non te cogitabam (“I did not think of You”): cogitatio – in Bl. Augustine is a process in which the soul collects all its knowledge, hidden within it, and then focuses all its attention on it. Augustine wants to formulate an “idea of ​​God,” but this idea is halfway between concept and image. Bl. Augustine probably means the study of philosophy. Having freed himself from Manichaean materialism, Augustine still retains a certain touch of it: he is unable to understand God as a purely spiritual reality: for him, the “spiritual” is reduced to the idea of ​​a certain “mathematical space,” that is, a space conceivable independently of the bodies that fill it. “Heart” in the biblical sense is the place of correct and deep thoughts, the place where a person sees the truth and cleaves to it. This is close to Pascal’s understanding: and for him, the heart is higher than the mind, it sees “beginnings” and embraces the truth inaccessible to the mind. “Fat at heart” (Isa. 6:9–10): fat, in which there are neither muscles nor nerves, as if turned off from active life. Intentio (“intention”, “tension”) – bl. Augustine did not notice that in order to overcome his materialism, it was enough for him to pay attention to his intentio, spiritual energy, transcendental in relation to all images. See note. 39 to book. V “Confessions” (In this publication - book 5, chapter 10, footnote 1 A portion of the light that, as a result of the battle between light and darkness, was captured by the tribe of darkness. The struggle between the kingdom of light and the kingdom of darkness is the main position of the Manichaeans. Nebridius's question dealt their teaching a truly crushing blow. Bl. Augustine used his argument in a public debate with one “chosen one,” named Felix. Seeing that the logical conclusion of Manichaeism was the recognition of a deity who could be harmed, Felix renounced Manichaeism (Acts against Felix, 2, 32). The Christology of the Manichaeans was confusing and contradictory: Christ was either the Word who came to people to return them to the kingdom of light, or only the personification of the elements of light that are also present in the human soul (see note 47 to book V of the Confessions [In this publication - book 5, chapter 11, footnote 9 Augustine thinks that such a solution to the problem of evil, in which he will be forced to recognize God as changing, will be a sinful decision, and the person who accepts it will himself become the “cause of evil”: he will be guilty of spreading false thoughts. Augustine alludes to the sermons of Ambrose, who believed the cause of evil to be free will. Subsequently, Augustine will say: “Both what a person does and what he suffers are called evil. The first is sin, the second is punishment... A person commits the evil that he wants, and suffers the evil that he does not want” (“Against the Manichaeans,” 26). Augustine's failure to solve the problem of evil is explained by the fact that he is looking for a substantial cause of evil, external to the evil will; Below (chapter 16) he will already say that evil is not an independent substance, but a perversion of the will. The final solution to the question is given by Augustine in On Free Will, 3, 17, 47 and especially in Against the Donatists, 12, 7-8. Plotinus preached that το εν is an absolute unity, at the same time being and action, that it is completely free, that its will is identical to its substance, and its power, “unshakable and immovable,” is something greatest, because it is το εν (Ann. 6, 8). Knew these chapters. Augustine? wrote remembering them? “The sky of heavens” is above our visible sky. See book. XII "Confession". “Decorated” – distinctum; see Cicero. “On the nature of the gods”, 2, 37: “caelum astris distinctum” (“sky decorated with stars”). Plotinus said that the world rests in “the world’s Soul, like a net in water, and just as a net is saturated with water, so the world is permeated with the Soul in all its parts” (Ann. 4, 3, 9). In search of the cause of evil. Augustine suggests that there is no evil, but refuses it, thinking about the fear of evil: if there is no evil, then fear itself is evil. On the problem of time, see Confession, XI, 12–16 Greek philosophy since the time of Plato saw in matter the root of evil and disorder: “Matter is the cause of mental weakness, it is the cause of evil. She is the original evil” (“Ann.”, 1, 8, 14). “We must not be like those who do not believe that an omnipotent God could make something out of nothing, citing the fact that craftsmen and artisans cannot work anything without having the material to work with” (On Genesis against the Manichaeans, 1, 6, 10). From his childhood, Augustine retained the historical image of Christ and his love for Him, which made him feel the insufficiency of philosophy. See "Confession", IV, 3-5 and note. to them. Whether Augustine had already moved away from astrology, whether this happened in Rome or Milan, we do not know: it is unknown who Firmin was and where he lived. The negative attitude towards astrology is explained by Augustine’s interest in the problem of evil: neither the dualism of the Manichaeans nor astral fatalism resolved it. This refers to either a manual on astrology, or tables of zodiac signs. The position of the stars at the time of the birth of the child served as the basis for the horoscope. In the original, dealbatiores vias means “white, whitewashed roads.” In Uzbekistan, even now people who are leaving are greeted with wishes for a “White Path”. Such notes about the day and hour of birth were made by Firmin’s father and his friend. They were necessary for drawing up a horoscope. This is not about prayer, but about a painful search for truth, the sincerity of which attracts God’s mercy. Porphyry, in his Aphormai, 40, writes that the soul finds God by entering into itself and purifying itself from all sensory perceptions; “having abandoned everything external, one should turn to the internal” (Plotinus. Ann. 6.9, 7). “Let the soul, reflecting on itself, strive for order corresponding to its nature. To be inferior to Him to whom she must obey; above that above which she is placed; below the One who should govern it; higher than what it should rule” (“On the Trinity” 10, 7). Man is destined to rise to become like God, but this can only be done with God’s help; there is little human strength here: a person must understand his place in the world and “serve God”, obey Him. Job. 15, 26. Literal translation: the wicked one “rushed upon him in pride under the thick back of his shield.” Respiramentum (“respite”) is a word found only in Augustine. “Of them (Neoplatonists) the Greeks are very famous: Plotinus, Iamblichus, Porphyry; Apuleius the African wrote in both languages, i.e., Greek and Latin” (“On the City of God,” 8, 12). Augustine knew both Plotinus and Porphyry well; He does not quote Iamblichus anywhere. The Neoplatonists (probably Plotinus and Porphyry) were translated into Latin by the famous rhetorician Victorinus, whom Augustine talks about in the next book. This translation was read by Augustine; now it is lost. See P. Monceaux. "Histoire litteraire de l'Afrique chrétienne", Paris, 1905, v. III, b. 394. It is unknown who gave Augustine these books. The connections between Christianity and Neoplatonism are not fully understood. It is known that Plotinus knew Christians; his teacher Ammonius Sahak was, at least for some period of his life, a Christian; Plotinus's immediate disciples knew the New Testament. Amelius, a student of Plotinus, drew a parallel between the Logos of John and the Logos of Heraclitus; Simplician, Ambrose's confessor, knew these connections. Augustine heard from him how a Neoplatonist expressed the desire that the first verses of the Gospel of John be written in letters of gold in the church and in the squares (Against the Donatists, 10, 29). And these conversations and his own reflections prompted Augustine to draw a parallel between the Gospel and Neoplatonism. “He who knows himself knows where he comes from” (Ann. 6, 9, 7). And Plotinus says that νους the true light does not live unchanged in our soul (Ann. 5, 3, 3). “Born” (about Christ) vm. “born” (about people who believed in Him); Tertullian (De carne Christi, 19) insisted on this reading. The Trinity of Plotinus included το εν - “One”, the mysterious First Principle, ο νους - pure Reason and η ψυκη - the Cosmic Soul. From the words of Augustine we can conclude that the members of this trinity are equal to each other, but this is not so: νους is an emanation of το εν and is less than it (Ann. 5, 1, 6). In. 1, 16. According to the teachings of the Neoplatonists, man is a microcosm, and the mind in man is a manifestation of the Pure νους, the second person of Plotinus’ trinity. When we live in harmony with this higher Reason, then we “are, as it were, filled with it” (Ann. 5:3,3–4). Rome. 1, 23. Porfiry and his followers tried, in contrast to the growing influence of Christianity, to find a philosophical justification for the pagan cult. The direct mention of “Egyptian food” suggests that Augustine had in mind Porphyry’s essay “On Abstinence from Meat,” 4, 9, where he speaks approvingly of the veneration of animals in Egypt: “They knew that the deity touched not only man, and the soul on earth did not inhabit him alone: ​​it is in all living beings. Therefore, they showed divine honors to all animals, uniting beast and man and bird bodies with human ones into one.” This entire short paragraph is a series of metaphors: “Egyptian food” is the philosophy of the Neoplatonists. Esau, the eldest son of Isaac, sold his birthright for lentil stew (“lentils are the food of the Egyptians, there is an abundance of them in Egypt, the Alexandrian lentils are extolled and brought even to us” - Psalms 46:6). Augustine did not want to abandon Christianity for the sake of philosophy, did not want to “chew Egyptian food.” Just as the Jews once demanded that a golden calf be cast for them, which they could worship instead of Yahweh, so the Neoplatonists approved of the cult of animals (see note 53). Jacob, the “younger,” symbolizes Christians who converted from paganism: they are ahead of the “elders” - the Jews. Among those who “left Egypt laden with gold, silver and clothing,” Bl. Augustine names Cyprian, Lactantius, Victorinus, Optata, Gilaria (“On Christian Teaching,” 2, 40, 61), that is, Christians who converted from paganism: they took all the best from pagan culture. Origen uses the same metaphor, persuading his disciple Gregory (the Wonderworker) to use his knowledge in the service of Christianity, “for the vessels of the Holy of Holies were made from the spoils that Israel carried away from Egypt” (Gregory the Wonderworker. “Letters” Ap. Paul in his speech to the Athenians.—Acts. 17, 28. That is, from the same metaphorical “Egypt” - from the pagans. Ps. 29, 11. Bl. Augustine owes the Neoplatonists the doctrine and method of “knowing oneself”: the soul begins to reflect on itself, “enters into itself,” renouncing the sensory world; for the Neoplatonists, the beginning of wisdom is in obedience to the divine command to “know thyself” (Ann. 4, 3, 1). Plotinus begins his instructions on how the soul can achieve the vision of God with the words: “Enter into yourself” (Ann. 1, 6, 9). The soul, having entered itself, seeks to purify itself and prepare itself for unity with God - “the only true light”, which cannot be defined: “He is greater than all measure and best of all” (Ann. 1, 6, 9). God is the light - not the one that these eyes see, but the one who sees our heart when you serve: “He is the truth” (On the Trinity, 8, 2, 3). “Nothing changes in the divine essence... there is eternal truth, eternal love, true eternity; beloved eternity there, beloved truth" ("On the Trinity" “He whose sight is not sufficiently purified will see nothing, even if someone else points out to him the presence of something that can be seen” (Ann. 1, 6, 9). In regione dissimilitudinis - “In the land of dissimilarity.” Augustine took this expression from Plotinus (Ann. 1, 8, 13); it comes from Plato (Politics, 273a); we will meet it in Ambrose, Eusebius of Caesarea, Proclus, Simplicius; in ascetic literature it survived until the 18th century. In Plotinus it stands in a context where we are not talking about the relationship of the soul to God, but only about the fact that it is captive to sensory reality, which is lower than the soul; to enter this “land of dissimilarity” means to fall into a dark quagmire and die, since the soul, immersed in matter, dies. The soul does not see its opposite to God, for it enters this country, continuing its already familiar path of moving away from God. When Augustine turned to God, he felt a gap between Him and himself, and the difference here is radical, ontological: the difference between the creator and the creature. And Plotinus accepts the difference between man and the Divine, but this difference disappears as soon as the soul breaks away from the sensory in order to find in its own inherent structure those higher realities that constitute it: there is no metaphysical distance between the soul and God, it exists only for the “sensual man”, for the “inner man” it no longer exists. That a person feels dissimilis, dissimilar to God, from the moment he sees Him, that this dissimilarity - the dissimilarity of an absolute being and a created being - these are the main amendments of Augustine to Plotinus. Rome. 1, 20. A classic passage used by the Church Fathers and scholastic writers: the existence of God is confirmed by the existence of the world and its beauty. Evil is not an independent principle, as the Manichaeans taught, “evil in general should be understood as a reduction of good” (Ann. 3, 2, 5). The very possibility of deterioration, “damage” presupposes the inherent “good” in nature (“On the Morals of the Manichaeans”, 2.6–7,8–9). Life 1, 31. Augustine believes that harmony is better than uniformity. Harmony is created by diversity, and diversity implies a gradation of “good.” Plotinus argued that the difference in degrees of goodness aims to create “variegation perceived by the mind” (Ann. 3, 2, 11). Plotinus argued that only relative perfection is possible for the material world (Ann. 3, 2, 7). Augustine, thinking about the world as a whole, does not want individual objects in it to be better than the whole: the highest (good), of course, is better than the lower (bad); but everything taken together turns out to be better than good things taken separately. Plotinus compared those who reproach God for His individual creations with people who find that a picture is bad because not all the colors in it are bright; and tragedy is no good because it contains more than just heroes (Ann. 3:2, 11). In the book. XI develops this theme. “The soul that feels through the body” - το αισθτικον την ψυχης Dam - receives impressions through the senses; “inner strength” (interior sensus, 1, 31) correlates: a) impressions with one another and b) with the subject receiving these impressions. Among the Neoplatonists this ability is directly attributed to the “power of perception” δυναμις αισθαμετθαι; “the ability to reason” το εν φυχη λογιζομενον deals, on the one hand, with what is given by the senses, and on the other, with concepts, the beginning of which is in Pure Reason. Mystical intuition, which was the goal of the Neoplatonists. Before his baptism, Augustine, like the Neoplatonists, considered Christ only to be a man of high wisdom and a “complete man,” that is, having body, soul and mind. Apollinaris, bishop of Laodicea († 382), argued that Christ had a human body and a divine mind (νους θειος), but not a human rational soul (ψυχη λογικη). “The Orthodox Church asserts that the person in whom Divine wisdom was clothed had everything that other people had, a complete human nature” (“On Psalms,” 29:2–3). Photinus, Bishop of Sirmium (c. 340), declared Christ a man distinguished from others only by his miraculous birth and the fullness of grace bestowed upon him for his moral perfection. Photinus was deposed by the Council of Sirmium in 351. 1 Cor. 11, 19. Vincent (Vincenty) Lirinsky explained this idea to St. Paul: “There must be heresies,” he says, “so that proven people may be found among us. He seems to be saying: this is why heresiarchs are not immediately destroyed by the will of God, so that it becomes clear how strong, faithful and established each one is in the Orthodox faith. Indeed, when something new boils, heavy grains and light chaff are immediately visible, and then it is easy to sweep away from the current what could not remain on the current, having no weight.” Augustine names two dangers to which he was exposed if he limited himself to reading only the books of the Neoplatonists: 1) he could move away from the Christian faith; 2) to believe that philosophy could give the soul the same thing as Scripture. About the influence of Ap. Paul Harnack wrote: “Marcion after the apostolic fathers; Irenaeus, Clement and Origen after the apologists; Augustine after the Greek Fathers; the great reformers of the Middle Ages in the bosom of the medieval Church from Agobard to Wessel; Luther after the Scholastics; Jansenism after the Council of Trent - Paul acted in all these people and led to the reformation" (History of Dogmas, 1, 136). That is, the devil. – Heb. 2, 14. “Created” is one of the reference texts for the Arians. Augustine attributed “created” to human nature and understood “in the beginning of thy ways” as evidence of the human nature of Christ, through which people approached God. Ap. Paul called himself that (1 Cor. 15:9; Eph. 3:8). Augustine outlines his future path: he must draw practical conclusions from his new faith and must implement it in life. Wed. 1 Cor. 5, 7. Christ said about Himself: “I am the Way...” (John 14:62). Nothing is known about the origin and youth of Simplician (died c. 400 - 401). He was the spiritual father of Ambrose and his successor in the episcopacy. Augustine met him in 386. Ambrose characterized him as a man of keen intelligence, who skillfully exposed “philosophical teachings that deviated from the truth” (“Letters”). Solignac, the author of the last commentary on Augustine, interpreted these words as follows: “One lived in continence, the other in marriage.” Job. 28, 28 and Rom. 1, 22; Proverbs 3, 7. Victorinus, famous orator and teacher of rhetoric. Born approx. 300 in proconsular Africa, c. 340 moved to Rome. An ardent follower of Plotinus, he translated several of his works and Porphyry’s “Isagoge” into Latin. Accepted Christianity approx. 355 A statue of him was erected in the Forum of Trojan. Col. 2, 8; Matt. 11, 25; This statement is undoubtedly exaggerated. In any case, about 30 years later, Ambrose argued that Christian senators constituted the majority in the Roman Senate (“Letters”). I accept Solignac's conjecture. Readings of various manuscripts: popilies iam, popilius iam, popilosiam, populuosiam and populiosirim do not help to understand the meaning, which is why a number of corrections were proposed that did not essentially improve anything. Solignac proposed reading popillo Osiri (“baby Osiris”) based on the following considerations: in the text from which the copyist made a copy, there was some kind of scientific word that the copyist did not understand and which denoted a deity from the mysteries, and an Egyptian one. Solignac's conjecture is further supported by the fact that text B (11th century manuscript) gives the reading: populiosirim. Infans fontis (“child of the source”) – technical definition of the newly baptized Babylon in the Old Testament is a symbol of pride (Ps. 28:5). OK. 12, 9; Mk. 8, 38; Matt. 10, 31–33. If a pagan wanted to convert to Christianity, then a certain ceremony was performed on him: the priest crossed him, laid his hands on him and gave him a grain of consecrated salt with the words: “Take the salt of wisdom, introduced in peace into eternal life.” After that, he was a “catechumen” - a catechumen (from the Greek κατιχεω - to instruct orally). If the catechumen then wanted to be baptized, then he “gave his name” and at the beginning of Lent he was included in the list of those wishing to be baptized. Baptism took place on Easter week. Here is this “baptismal formula,” the ancient Creed: “I believe in the omnipotence of God the Father and in Christ Jesus, His only Son, our Lord, born of the Holy Spirit and the Virgin Mary, crucified under Pontius Pilate and buried. He rose from the dead on the third day, ascended into heaven and sits at the right hand of the Father: he will come to judge the living and the dead. And in the Holy Spirit; Holy Church; remission of sins and resurrection of the flesh." The madmen are former students of the rhetorician Victorinus, pagans. Luke 15, 4–6, 7–8, 11–32. Augustine is referring to angels. Hebrew name ap. Paul was Saul. The opinion that he began to be called Paul after the Cypriot proconsul Sergius Paulus, the first pagan he converted to Christianity (Acts 13:6-12), has no basis. It was the custom of the Jews of the Diaspora to take a second name, by which they were known in the local pagan environment around them; This custom is still preserved by many. In this case, the Latin name of the Apostle Paul, on the basis of Church Tradition, is explained by three circumstances that easily approved this name and nickname for him: 1) according to legend, he was of short stature (Latin paulus - small); 2) he calls himself “the least of the apostles” - 1 Cor. 15, 9 and see also Eph. 3, 8) had Roman citizenship, “was born in it” - Acts. 22, 27 – 28. This name in relation to the Apostle of the Gentiles turned out to be so suitable from all sides that it soon became his apostolic name, and he himself, as can be seen from the epistles, willingly accepted it: he begins all his epistles with this new apostolic name, and, finally, the disciples of the Lord themselves - the twelve apostles - call him by this name (2 Pet. 3:15). Christianity very early turned its message to the upper classes. There were converts from the aristocracy already in the 1st century, their number especially increasing from the time of Emperor Commodus (180–192). See A. Harnack. "Die Mission und Ausbreitung des Christentums", 1915, V. II, 5. 30–47. This law, which was intended to destroy the influence of Christian teachers in the school, was issued in 362. Libido – debauchery, debauchery. It leads the soul into complete disorder, snatching it from the power of reason. “Habit” is personal consent to libido, which strengthens it: “From sin is sin and to sin is sin by virtue of sin” (“On Psalms”, 57, 4). This is the state of a person subject to sin and evil habit. “Cruel slavery” is opposed to “free slavery,” when “it is not necessity, but love that forces one to serve” (“On Psalms,” 99, 8). Subtle psychological and moral analysis: Augustine is in a struggle, higher aspirations take over, but neither “lust” nor “habit” have yet been overcome. Augustine is clear that every human action is determined by the past and, in turn, determines the future. Melius tuae caritati me dedere Quam malae cupiditati cedere Sed illud placebat et vin Hoc libebat et vincebat. Antitheses and assonances are very difficult to translate. These carefully selected words express the psychology of moral freedom: “yielding to desire,” a person suffers defeat, falls into captivity of lust and habit; “by giving himself,” he makes a free choice, frees himself from cupiditas. See note. 38 to book. VI “Confessions” (In this publication - book 6, chapter 10, footnote 1. It is believed that the life of Anthony the Great was written by St. Afanasy approx. 357, approximately a year after the death of the famous hermit. This Life was translated into Latin by Evagrius of Antioch before 388. The original and the translation have been preserved. Anthony, as is commonly believed, was born. in 251, spent 20 years in the desert in strict solitude. Gradually, disciples gathered around him, and he founded a hostel, from which the monasteries began. “I saw the monastery of saints in Milan; there were many of them, and at the head was one single priest, an excellent and learned man” (Blessed Augustine. On the Morals of the Catholic Church, 32–33). Now Trier. A rich, flourishing city on the Moselle River (now Moselle), in the 3rd-4th centuries. frequent residence of the emperors who commanded the army of the Rhine. This was a narrow circle of people of senatorial or equestrian rank close to the emperor, whom he convened to discuss state affairs. The place was high, but restless and dangerous. OK. 14, 28; both calculated how much this decision would cost them. Bl. Augustine imagines himself in two: he seemed to be hiding behind himself so as not to see himself. Bl. Augustine repeatedly says that he was never wholeheartedly devoted to Manichaeism (“On the Blessed Life,” 1, 4; “On the Benefits of Faith,” 1, 2). This is confirmed by the fact that in the Manichaean hierarchy he remained all the time at the lowest level of “listener.” He parted with Manichaeism without any internal shock. There was, however, a period in his life, albeit a short one, when he was a convinced preacher of Manichaeism, to which he converted a number of his friends. These words were suggested by Plotinus, who speaks of the soul’s removal from God and its return to Him: “Our homeland is the place from which we came, and our father is there... to go there, you do not need to walk, you do not need to harness a chariot or prepare a ship” (Ann. 1, 6, 8). Literally: “half-wounded” is a neologism created by Augustine. Weakness of will is one of the punishments for Adam's sin. Will – voluntas – ability to decide, choose; carrying out a decision is potestas. The soul must express its internal decision in external action, and here it turns out that “wanting” and “being able” are not the same thing. There is a crack in the will: it doubles, does not invest itself entirely in its desire. The soul is sick, and its illness is a consequence of an evil habit that burdens the soul. Further, Augustine will say that this weakness of will, its duality, is a punishment imposed on a person as a consequence of original sin. Consistently: Ps. 67, 3; Titus 1, 10; Eph. 5, 8. Augustine is referring to the Manichaeans. Rome. 7, 17 - according to Augustine, the highest freedom consists in the absolute turn of the will towards good: “One should carefully and vigilantly distinguish between the possibility of not sinning and the impossibility of sinning... the first expresses freedom of the will: I can not sin; the second is much higher: I cannot sin” (Blessed Augustine. “On the Heart and Grace,” 12, 33). Conventiculum (from conventus: “gathering”, “meeting”) is an early example of a diminutive form used with a hint of contempt. Augustine, using the double meaning of the word voluntas - “will” and “desire”, makes the mistake that in logic is called quaternio terminorum. The Manichaeans could object that all bad desires come from one, evil will, and all good ones from another – good. Augustine translated the vicissitudes of his mental state into the language of dramatic representation; his movements and actions tell about his mental discord, his mental anguish: he floundered, he spun; walks, stops, takes a breath, freezes in place. Then the “old friends” come into action, behaving in full accordance with their character as “real scoundrels”: they whisper, seduce, sneak from behind, tickle and pinch, when finally Continentia – Purity – (Abstinence) appears, a bright contrast to the “old friends”: she is quiet, calm and joyful, her invitation is loud, affectionate and full of dignity; she calls the hesitant one, looking directly into his face and “encouraging him with her mockery.” Personification of abstract concepts is not uncommon in ancient literature. Prodicus (the famous sophist, a contemporary of Socrates) talked about how Hercules was met at a crossroads by two women: Depravity and Virtue (Xenophon. “Memories of Socrates”, 2, 1; 21–33); in Plautus, in the prologue to Trinummis, Luxury and Poverty converse; Tertullian painted a portrait of Patience (On Patience, 15). In his sermons, Augustine often compares the "tomorrow, tomorrow" (cras-cras) of a sinner who postpones his repentance to the cawing of a raven (On Psalms, 102, 16; Sermons, 82, 11, 14); “I tell you: as long as you utter this crow’s cry, death overtakes you.” For sixteen centuries no one doubted the reality of this scene. Modern researchers of Augustine are divided on this issue into two camps: some (the majority) believe that this famous scene in the garden happened exactly as Augustine tells about it (H. Marrou. “S. Augustine et l'augustinisme”, Paris, 1956); others (P. Courcelle. “Recherches sur les Confessions de S. Augustin”, Paris, 1950, p. 190) consider it a complete literary fiction, in which traces of literary trends and the desire for literary design clearly appear, it continues the scene where Purity appears; the fig tree under which Augustine fell is a memory of Nathanael’s fig tree (John 1:48), depicting “the mortal shadow of human sins”; unknown voice: “Take it, read it!” duplicates the voice of Purity and presents a complete analogy with the Ephesiaca scene of Xenophon of Ephesus, where the heroine, after fervent prayer, receives the information she needs. The influence of the Life of Anthony is also undoubted. For an analysis of Courcel's provisions and a convincing refutation of them, see the article by R. Joly. "La Scène du jardin de Milan", La Nouvelle Clio, 1955–56–57, v. VII-VIII-IX, No. 7–10, p. 443–464. Let us limit ourselves here to one more remark: Augustine’s “Confession” was his actual confession before God. Is it possible to admit that, speaking in front of Him about the most important moment of his life, Augustine “invented,” that is, was a conscious liar? It’s one thing to dramatize your mental states, and another to imagine that you heard a “divine command.” Augustine, with chaste secrecy, makes it clear to the reader that “take, read” was an order from above: the voice “like a boy or a girl”; words that are not in any children's game; they sounded from the “neighboring house,” not from where Augustine lived with his mother and Alypius. The reading S: a domo divino - “from the divine abode”, which even such an admirer of S as Knoll refused, and which Courcelles declared correct, is unthinkable because it bursts into the deliberately muted, “shy” melody of the story with a loud and rough dissonance. Rome. 13, 12–14. Alypius attributed the following verse to himself - Rome. 14:1. Ps. 115:7–8, 34:10, 34:3. It should be noted that grace, according to bl. Augustine, does not destroy free will, but restores it: “grace heals the will” (On Spirit and Letter, 30, 52). Ps. 18, 15. The only place in the Confessions where Augustine directly addresses Christ. “Love for the transitory can be overcome only by tasting the sweetness of the eternal” (On Music, 6, 16). Garriebam - “babbled”, “chatted” trustingly and freely, like a small child with his father. Augustine managed to find a word that so fully expressed the sweet peace that replaced his spiritual storms. These holidays lasted from August 22 to October 15 and coincided with the grape harvest. Ps. 83, 7. "Valley of Tears"; “song of ascent”: psalms 119–133; "sharp arrows": ps. 119, 4; the decision to remain silent was made not out of fear of giving in to dissuaders, but out of a desire not to expose oneself. Strict Christians had a very negative attitude towards rhetoricians and rhetorical schools. They, of course, wanted Augustine to leave the department, publicly condemning his previous activities. Augustine considered this behavior to be boasting. Dr. Legevi tried to define Augustine's disease. In his opinion, this is by no means tuberculosis, pulmonary or throat, but most likely severe chronic bronchitis combined with laryngitis or tracheitis (B. Legewie. “Die Körperliche Konstitution u. die Krankheiten Augustins.” Miscellanea Agostiniana, Roma, 1931, V. II, 5. 19–20. Verekund could not divorce his Christian wife, and he considered it impossible to accept Christianity while remaining married. It is interesting to note the presence of this monastic ideal, which belittles ordinary, “secular” Christianity. Cassiciac was identified either with Cassago di Brianza, 30 km from Milan, or with Casciaso, a village in Lombardy 65 km from Milan, from where Monte Rosa is visible. - Ps. 67, 16–17. Fluctuations bl. Augustine about the meaning of these words is explained by the fact that there is no exact definition of them in Scripture. Augustine always protested only against the too realistic interpretation of “Abraham’s bosom” as the sinus in his clothing. He himself is inclined to a twofold interpretation: I) this is the place of bliss of the righteous; 2) a place where the soul rejoices in the presence of Christ God. Adoptivus ex liberto filius (“adopted son of a freedman”) is a dark place: Augustine calls himself a freedman, and Nebridia his son. Augustine was older and felt like a father in relation to Nebridius, who left his home and arrived from Africa to Milan only to be with Augustine. However, another explanation is also possible: every Christian is, as it were, a “freedman” on earth and is “adopted as sons” already in the Kingdom of Heaven. They were: Monica, mother of Bl. Augustine, his brother Navigius and son Adeodatus; two cousins, Lastidian and Rustic; his friend Alypius and his students: Licentius, son of Romanian, and Trigetius, a native of Tagasta (“On the Blessed Life,” 1.6). Just as the heavy breathing of vacationers testifies to the stress they have just experienced, so the “school arrogance” is felt in the style of the early works of Bl. Augustine. Bl. Augustine is referring to the dialogues: Against the Academicians; about the blessed life; about order and monologues (“Conversations with myself”). The dialogues were real conversations, recorded by a stenographer present. Bl. Augustine later looked through these notes and, perhaps, redid something. From the correspondence with Nebridius, pitiful remains have been preserved. Ps. 28, 5. Cedars are called “school” both in a figurative sense - a tall “proud” tree symbolizes the pride of school science, and in a literal sense - the ends of the scrolls were rubbed with cedar resin to protect them from moths and worms. “Church herbs” is a metaphor for humility (“humble grass”), but what does Bl. mean? Augustine, one cannot say. Medical metaphors are very common in Christian literature of the first centuries. See A. Harnack. "Medicinischis aus der ältesten Kirchengeschichte." Texte u. Untersuchungen, 1892, V. 7, S. 4; P. Monceaux. "CR de l'Academie des Luscriptions", 1920, p. 75–83. A subtle psychological remark. Eph. 1, 20; Ps. 4, 4; Gal. 1.1; Mk. 16, 19. In. 14:16–17, 14:26, 15:26, 16:13. The Manichaeans, denying the humanity in Christ, also denied the reality of His death on the cross (Rom. 8:34). In his interpretation of this (4th) psalm, Bl. Augustine offers two explanations for this verse: 1) if you are angry, at least let your mind condemn this feeling; 2) “Be angry with yourself for past sins and stop sinning in the future.” “The earth offers us something to love; time steals what we love and leaves in the soul a crowd of ghosts that incite passionate aspirations, now for one thing, now for another. And the soul becomes restless and sad, trying in vain to hold on to what holds it back” (“On True Religion,” 35). Because reality has been lost, which alone can nourish the soul (“truth, which is food for the soul” - St. Augustine, “Letters”) and the soul tries in vain to saturate itself with empty ghosts. Literally: “lick images” (temporary and visible). In. 1:9, 5:8. To the question “who will show you good?” bl. Augustine responds by pointing out that the image of God is restored in a person if he makes an effort to do so. This restoration is “true good, seen not with the eyes, but with the mind.” We are marked by Divine light, “as the denarius is marked by the image of Caesar: man was created in the image and likeness of God; he spoiled this image with sin: the true and eternal good of man is to, having been reborn, to imprint this light in himself” (On Psalms, 4, 7). Multiplicari – literally “to multiply”; bl. Augustine understood this word precisely in the sense of mental distraction caused by the pursuit of material wealth; The “multiplied soul” suffers from a lack of composure and concentration on the main thing. “A soul devoted to temporary pleasures, scattered by many sad thoughts, is not able to become simple (i.e., concentrate on one thing) and see the good... such a soul, filled with countless ghosts, is so scattered and scattered that it cannot fulfill the prescribed: “Think about the Lord and in simplicity of heart seek Him”" (Wisdom 1:1) (On Psalms, 4, 8). “Eternal simplicity” is contrasted with the multitude of earthly, transitory goods. In id ipsum. Bl. Augustine explains this term in his interpretation of the psalms (Ps. 122:3): “What is id ipsum? - that which is always identical to itself, that which cannot be one thing or another. What is id ipsum if not “that which is”... Who is this Jehovah, if not He who said to Moses: “I am Jehovah”... You will say to the children of Israel: “He who is has sent me to you!” Here is id ipsum - “I am who I am.” This term defines God as He defines Himself in Exodus (3:14): “Existent” – existing in the real sense of the word, eternal, not knowing change or change.” Deut. 4, 35; Is. 45, 5. All his life Bl. Augustine preferred those books of Scripture that concern the inner life of man, i.e., the Psalms and Epistles. Pavel. The prophets did not give him the same pleasure as Jerome. See Book VIII, note. 25. Lent began in 337 on March 10. This dialogue, starting with a grammar lesson (Adeodate explains Virgil’s verse and the meaning of individual words), ends on a philosophical and religious level: one must listen to the truth living in the depths of the heart and recognize Christ as the only teacher. From the imperial court one demand after another came to Ambrose to cede the city basilica to the Arians. Ambrose refused and spent whole nights with a crowd of believers in the basilica, which was claimed by the Arians. “Finally, the order: “Give it to the basil.” I answer: “And I am not allowed to hand it over, and it is not fitting for you, Emperor, to accept it... It is written: “What is God’s to God, Caesar’s to Caesar.” The emperor owns the palaces, the clergyman the churches.” (Ambrose. “Letters” 20, 19). Ps. 115, 6. According to legend, Protasius and Gervasius were executed under Nero. About the miracle of the blind man. Augustine mentions it in the City of God, 22, 8, 2 and Sermons, 286, 4. Peacock, Ambrose’s secretary, says that this former blind man “still serves in the same basilica, which is called Ambrose and where the bodies of the martyrs were transported” (Life of Ambrose, 14). The miracle apparently did not make much of an impression on Augustine. That is, how much a person can contain God (Is. 40:6). "All flesh is grass." Bl. Augustine repeated these words when explaining Psalm 103. “House” is a metaphor for the body. He was later a bishop in Uzala. His correspondence with Bl. has been preserved. Augustine. The place is ruined; in the manuscript: praepositus - “through the rulers” - a reading that does not make sense. Literally: “drinking pure wine.” The ancients drank wine, diluting it with water. Meribibulus (“bitter drunkard”) is a word found only in Bl. Augustine. “Evil people do many things against the will of God; but such is His wisdom and power that everything that seemed contrary to His will comes to a good and just end, established in advance by Him” (“On the City of God,” 22, 2). A kind of “condition” that stipulated the rights of the spouses. None of these “marriage tables” have come down to us, and we do not know whether they were changed to some extent under the influence of Christianity. In any case, in one of his sermons (37, 6, 7) Bl. Augustine insists on the complete submission of the wife to her husband in accordance with the words of St. Paul in the Epistle to the Ephesians (Eph. 5:22–24). The chapters about Monica’s upbringing and her family life provide not only rich material for characterizing those places and that time, but also paint a picture of the future. Augustine was a keen observer of everyday life and morals. This chapter has been the subject of many works that have elucidated the “Plotinian background” of language and thoughts. No one, however, in the “contemplation” or “ecstasy” of Bl. Augustine does not dispute the authenticity of his experience. It should be noted that what we have here is not philosophical reflection, but prayer, through which the soul strives to comprehend God. This is the path by which, according to the teachings of the Neoplatonists, a person reaches enlightenment: from the phenomena of nature to himself, inside himself, and forgetting about himself, to come into contact with the One (το εν) in the field of pure intuition. It should be noted the words of Bl. Augustine that the conversation went “maybe not like that and not in such words”: Monica was hardly aware of the phraseology of the Neoplatonists, but the conversation was imbued with mysticism, and Bl. Augustine recalled him in his usual form. Ezek. 34:14: “And I will feed them in rich pasture; their pastures will be on the high mountains of Israel.” This verb can be interpreted in two ways: 1) they breathed a sigh of relief in the hope of getting what they wanted; 2) sighed with dissatisfaction. It is probably in this latter sense that it is used here: the soul striving for God sighs about its powerlessness. Rome. 8, 23. Bl. Augustine thinks that past experience is the key to future heavenly joy. “Let not only all anxiety arising from the body subside in the soul, but also everything that surrounds it: the earth will calm down, the sea and the air and the beautiful sky itself will calm down” (Plotinus. Ann. 5, 1, 2). It is impossible to see what goes beyond the boundaries of this world through ordinary reflection: “The mind must..., as it were, let itself go, not be the mind” (Ann. 3, 8, 9). 1 Thess. 4:13–14: “I do not want you, brothers, to be ignorant about the dead, so that you do not grieve like those who have no hope. For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, then God will bring with Him those who sleep in Jesus.” Bl. Augustine tries to discover the meaning of the word through its etymology. The Stoics were very fond of this technique, but their etymologies were usually fantastic. This is what is given here: το βαλανειον supposedly from βαλειν ανιαν - “to drive away sorrow.” I Cor. 15, 22; Matt. 5, 22. Ps. 142, 2; Jacob 2, 13; Matt. 5:7, 6:14. Ref. 33, 19; Rome. 9, 15. Monica and Patricius, parents of Bl. Augustine in this earthly life, in the future life his brother and sister. “Those who do not want to talk about what they believe believe imperfectly: faith requires believing what is said: “I will confess it before the Angels of God”” (Blessed Augustine, “On the Psalms,” 115, 2). Heb. 4, 13; Sire. 42, 18–20. “Is not the human heart an abyss?” (“On Psalms”, 41, 8). Ps. 102, 3: “He heals all your illnesses.” Eliqua: The usual meaning of this verb is "to strain". Psalm. 31, 1–2. Beo – “I make you happy”; in the original: beares – there is no such verb in Latin. “If anyone is surprised by the sensory world, contemplating its enormity, beauty and orderliness... let him rise to its model, to a more real world, let him contemplate pure reason and the incomprehensible wisdom that reigns over him” (Ann. 5, 1, 4). Anaximenes, third philosopher of the Milesian school (VI century BC). The Milesians sought to determine the beginning of things: for Thales it was water, for Anaximander it was the infinite, for Anaximenes it was air. Rome. 1, 20 – bl. Augustine uses the “cosmological” proof of the existence of God. Here, however, we are not talking about logical proof, but about contemplation, in which the world is revealed to the believing soul as the creation of the Creator. That is, with a model, a standard given to a person by the Supreme Mind. I accept the reading: the fragmentation of the material universe does not allow us to attribute a Divine character to it. Enudiletur – “becomes clear.” This word is found in this sense for the first time in Tertullian (Apology, 35): “The hallway became bright (enidilabat) from the bright lanterns.” “Olfactory images” are usually much dimmer than visual and auditory ones. Augustine, apparently, had a very keen sense of perception and memory of what he perceived. The ancients did little about memory (except for Aristotle and Plato). Bl.'s interest in memory Augustine is very deep, and his thoughts about it were not prompted by any of his predecessors. Bl. Augustine is primarily struck by its “capacity” (everything that has been experienced; everything that has been believed). Memory has a creative ability: it can dismember its “reserves” and reconstruct them, adding, subtracting, and generally changing. This is a type of cogitatio, a constructive ability that operates on data stored in memory. I store in my memory the image of one sun and can imagine several of them larger or smaller than the real sun; I can imagine a square sun (“On the Trinity”, XI, 8, 12). With the help of memory, the mind can create its own world, independent of real experience. Memory collects both external and internal experience: according to the figurative expression of Bl. Augustine, it “weaves” threads of different experiences, different thoughts into the foundation, connects the past with the present, and creates the “fabric of the future.” The retrospective function of memory and its creative function, acting together, create its prospective function, which is carefully studied by modern psychology. Abstract meaning is identical to its object; Plotinus also spoke about this, repeating (Ann. 5, 4, 2) Plato’s classic statement: “Knowledge of the immaterial coincides with the object” (Timaeus, 42). One must assume that questions were dealt with in the rhetoric school according to this plan. Bl. Augustine once again emphasizes the impossibility of reducing abstract knowledge to images that are perceived by external senses, using the example of words and what they mean. Augustine leans towards Plato's thought: “To explore and study is to remember” (Meno, 81 D). Later he abandoned it (Revision, 1, 8, 2 and On the Trinity, 12, 15, 24). In the dialogue “On the Teacher,” Augustine says that the teacher’s job is not to transfer knowledge from his head to the head of the student, but to awaken his mind: let the student discover knowledge in himself, within himself (2, 3; 13, 43; 14, 45). To learn is to deliberately collect elements that were somewhere in the background of the mind, using memory. The constructive energy, mens, rests on it. Abstract knowledge is acquired thanks to two features of the mind: 1) by virtue of the feature immanent in its essence, it is involved in the Divine mind; 2) elements randomly scattered in memory are connected through cogitattio and help develop new knowledge. Explanation given by Varro de lingua latina 6, 43: cogitare (“to think”) from cogendo (“to collect”): “The mind gathers together many things from which it can choose.” “With the help of bodily senses,” that is, heard their names, saw their images. Bl. Augustine distinguishes between numeri numerati, used when counting material objects, and numeri numerautes - intelligible numbers, not associated with any objects. This distinction probably comes from Pythagoras. To use numbers to count objects, you must have a priori knowledge of numbers - ideas. Memory of feelings in bl. Augustine connects with the assessment of this feeling, and the feeling that accompanies the memory follows from the present assessment of the once experienced feeling. This list of “feelings that move the soul” comes from the Stoics. Cicero has it (On the limit of good and evil, Tusculan conversations, 4, 6, 11). The fact that memory remembers that it has forgotten something plunges Augustine into new thoughts about the “mysterious power of memory”; he, however, did not explain it as simply and perfectly as he explained silence and darkness: non-substantial realities, comprehended by simple contrast (cf. “Confession”, XII, 3, 3 The memory of a lost thing is both negative and dynamic: negative because it rejects what is not the object of its search, and dynamic because the mind, not having yet mastered the sought-after object, finds that “psychological context” through which the sought-after “shines through”, and thus comes closer and closer to what is needed; oblivion is not complete if the object has not completely disappeared from memory: the recollection of events or objects surrounding the forgotten thing will eventually recall it to memory. Gaudere ad te, de te, propter te: the limits, the goal of joy is God (ad te); He is its source (de te). He is its cause (propter te). “It is not surprising that unhappy people do not get what they want, that is, a happy life: what is a companion to happiness—without it no one is worthy of happiness—namely, a right life, does not evoke the same desire in them” (“On Free Will,” 1, 14, 30). In. 12, 35. Reading “Hortensius” by Cicero as a nineteen-year-old boy, Bl. Augustine was struck by the thought on the basis of which Cicero developed his entire reasoning: “We all want to be happy.” This formula comes from Plato (“Euphidemos”, 278e); Aristotle repeated it (“Instructions”, frgm. 3 and 4), inserting it, like Plato, into a discussion about the nature and foundations of true happiness. Aristotle saw this basis in wisdom; Cicero – in the correct moral disposition of the will, that is, also in wisdom (frgm. 39). Already in “On the Happy Life,” where Augustine first considers the question of a happy life, he equated a happy life and wisdom, which he defined as modus animi (4, 32), as a “measure”, observing which, the soul remains in balance and reaches “fullness” (4, 38). He adds, however, that a person can achieve this wisdom only by communing with the Divine wisdom. A happy life is “a perfect knowledge of the Trinity” (4:35). Augustine then believed that such knowledge was accessible to the human mind (Revision, I, 1, 2). He soon lost this confidence, although he retained the main ideas of his youthful treatise. He invariably identifies happiness with knowing and finding God. The desire for a happy life is connected with the desire for truth, and for the bl. Augustine is an incessant call to man to seek God. Bl. Augustine can be considered an adherent of eudaimonism, while firmly keeping in mind the metaphysical and religious meaning that he puts into the concept of a “happy life.” His eudaimonism opens up an immeasurable path of improvement for man and forces him to surpass himself: “God calls us to be more than just human beings” (In Jon., 1:4). Only in this, according to bl. Augustine, and this is what a happy life consists of. Terenty. "Andriyanka", 68. This is what Christ says about Himself: John. 8, 40. Literally: “as I taught You”; how the lesson is taught. God is truth; truths that the bl. knows. Augustine, he learned: everything he knows, he knows with the help of memory. Dignatio - among church writers, this word usually means “condescension”, “mercy” shown to the inferior. “There should be no doubt that an unchangeable being, superior to the rational soul, is God” (“On True Religion,” 31, 57). Wed. Job. 23:8: “But behold, I go forward, and He is not there; back, and I don’t find Him.” This chapter gives, as it were, a summary of Bl.’s favorite thoughts. Augustine: the presence of God in man; the poverty of a person living externally; the beauty of the earth, reflecting the beauty of the Creator; the influence of grace that returns a person to God. The artistic talent of Bl. was also combined in the literary design of this chapter, which is amazing in its strength and brilliance. Augustine, and training in the rhetorical school. “This does not mean that one should not love a creature, but if this love relates to the Creator, then there is no longer passion (cupiditas) in it; passion arises when a creature is loved for its own sake” (“On the Trinity,” 9, 8, 13). See note. 20 to book. III (In this publication – book 3, chapter 6, footnote 1 2 Cor. 11:27; 1 Cor 9:27. “Gluttony” – crapula gets this meaning in late Latin, in classical Latin it means “drunkenness”, “intoxication”. Titus 1, 15; Rome 14, 20; 1 Tim. 4:4; I Cor. 8, 8; Col. 2, 16; Rome 14, 3. Noah: Gen. 9, 3; Elijah: 1 Kings. 17, 6; In.: Mf. 3, 4; Esau: Gen. 25, 30–34; David: 2 Sam. 23, 15–17; our king: Matt. 4, 3; people...: Number. 11, 4–6. In. 16, 33; Rome. 8, 34; Ps. 138, 16. In the commentary to this psalm, Bl. Augustine wrote: “In Your book all will be written: not only those who are perfect, but also those who are imperfect. Let the imperfect not be afraid, just let them move... daily add something, daily come closer; let them not depart from the Body of the Lord.” And then Christ, as it were, turns to Peter: “My eyes see the same Peter, who promised and denied, was arrogant and powerless.” Bl. Augustine distinguishes two feelings: the desire for beauty and the fear that aesthetic pleasure will overshadow the reverent and prayerful mood. Bl. Augustine considers his moral instability to be a weakness that requires healing. In his commentary on Psalm 102:3, he writes that even after the remission of sins we remain weak creatures: “Man still lives in dangerous temptations. Some opportunities he likes, some he doesn’t; He agrees to something he likes – and he’s captivated. This is “disease,” and “He heals all your illnesses.” Blind Tobit sent his son on a long journey and “counted every day” until his son returned (book of Tobit); Isaac blessed his second son Jacob for seniority, mistaking him for his firstborn Esau, and only then learned of his mistake (Gen. 27). Jacob had to bless, as the eldest, his grandson Manasseh, whom his father, Joseph, placed in front of Jacob so that he would place his right hand on the boy’s head; the left one was to be assigned to the youngest grandson. Jacob, however, folded his hands in the shape of a cross and blessed Ephraim, his youngest grandson, as the eldest (Gen. 48). The first line of Ambrose's evening hymn, praising God for "clothing the day with beautiful light." He who glorifies God not only for this earthly light, but also for spiritual light, will not lose it even in the hours of darkness. “He who meditates on the law is always in the light; for him there is no night” (Ambrose. “On Psalms”, I, 3). Through love for material things a person destroys his higher self. Ann. 6, 9, 4; see note 22 to book. III (In this publication - book 3, chapter 6, footnote 3 That is, the inner feeling with the help of which we see the manifestation of the Divine in beauty. “As if turning their back to You, they are stuck in carnal affairs, as if in their shadow, and yet, even in what they enjoy, Your light shines around” (“On Free Will”, 2, 16, 43). See book. V approx. 13 to book. V (In this publication – book 5, chapter 3, footnote 6 Rare and unprecedented animals were brought to Rome and put on public display. Among them were tropical animals (tiger, rhinoceros), huge snakes, and animals of unusual colors. Bl. Augustine, however, recognized and valued secular science (“On the City of God,” 19, 18), provided that it was accompanied by humility and kindness (“Letters” “On Psalms,” 142, 5). At bl. Augustine always had a keen interest in natural phenomena. He watched the snake crawl (“On the Trinity,” 12, 11, 16); how cut pieces of a snake or worm wriggle (“On the Properties of the Soul,” 31, 62), how roosters, the winner and the defeated, behave after a fight (“On Order,” 1, 8, 25); with what skill do birds build nests? He marveled at the memory of the fish and enjoyed the singing of the nightingale (“On True Religion,” 42, 79). Ps. 17:14, 8 . This last verse “shakes the foundations of the mountains” bl. Augustine explains in his interpretation of this psalm: “And the hopes of the proud of this age were shaken.” Is. 14, 12–14: “How you fell from heaven, star (devil)... and said: I will ascend into heaven... I will sit on the mountain in the assembly of gods at the edge of the north.” In a letter to Bl. Augustine to the Carthaginian bishop Aurelius (“Letters”, 22) contains a brief reflection on the love of praise and the danger that this love threatens the servants of the Church. Bl. Augustine admits that he himself loves to be praised. A paradoxical statement: man knows God better than himself. Wed. §7 I don’t know myself.” Ps. 140, 4–5. Bl. Augustine interprets this passage: “The false praise of a flatterer is the oil of a sinner.” Not “objective” images of the external world preserved by memory, but those that also include a subjective element. A hint of that mystical experience that Bl. Augustine survived in Ostia (9, 24). “I often realize that I am outside the body and beyond the limits of all existing things: I am within myself and contemplate wonderful light and beauty” (Plotinus. Ann. 4, 8, 1). “The lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life” (1 John 2:16). Ps. 17, 36. Bl. Augustine, in his interpretation of this psalm, explains the “right hand” as “the mercy of Thy grace.” Bl. Augustine alludes to the practice of those Neoplatonists who resorted to theurgy. Bl. Augustine often identifies the lower gods of Neoplatonism with angels. He says that Porfiry taught that there were angels whose duty it was to reveal Divine secrets to people, and adapted his teaching for those who were engaged in invoking spirits. 1 Tim. 2, 5. The purpose of the incarnation of Christ in the moral sphere was, according to the thought of the bl. Augustine, teach people humility. Phil. 2, 6–8; In. 10, 18. “Free among the dead”: in these words the image of the Lord is quite clear. “Who can be free among the dead except Him who is the only one without sin among sinners?.. He is free among the dead who had the power to lay down His soul and take it again” (“On Psalms,” 87). Wed. Heb. 9, 28: “So Christ, having once been sacrificed to take away the sins of many, will appear a second time... to those who wait for Him for salvation.” Both Vasily and Chrysostom went into the desert; Jerome ended his life there. 2 Cor. 5, 15; Ps. 118, 18. Wed. “Confession”, V, 1 – “by the hand of the tongue.” Bl. Augustine was bishop of Hippo from 397. Bl. Augustine is referring to a water clock (clepsydra), where a certain period of time was measured by flowing drops of water. Ps. 85, 1; Rome. 10, 12. Statim – here “always”, “constantly”. An allusion to Psalm 28:9. The “deer” symbolize people meditating on Scripture. “An animal is called unclean in the law if it does not chew the cud; this is not his flaw, but the essence of his nature. There are people who can be likened to such animals; they are unclean not by nature, but by their inherent vice; willingly listening to words of wisdom, they then do not think about them at all. And what is “chewing cud” in the spiritual sense, if not to evoke in a sweet memory, as if from an internal memory, the useful thing that you heard, bringing it to your mouth of reflection? those who do not are represented by those animals; the prohibition to eat their meat (the Bible allows us to eat the meat of only ruminants) warns us against this vice” (“Against Faustus,” 6, 7). John 1, 3; Rome. 8, 14–16; Mk. 16, 19; Col. 2, 3. Bl. Augustine does not engage with the Bible as a researcher and scientist. She is the book of life for him, and he expects from her the instructions necessary for life. Just as a sinner runs away “from You, the meek, to You, the wrathful,” so the righteous person, having completed the task given to him by God, goes to God, who rewards him. The measure given to us, according to the teachings of the Neoplatonists, by the Supreme Reason. Wed. Pascal, Thoughts on Religion, 16, 67: “There is perfection in nature, showing that it is the likeness of the Divine, and there are shortcomings, showing that it is only His likeness.” Ps. 32, 9; Wed there, Art. 6. Bl. Augustine probably means air and the role that, according to the teachings of ancient philosophers, it played in the transmission of sound. Explaining In. 8, 25, Augustine says that Christ taught people the truth by coming to them. The Eternal Word would have remained incomprehensible to them, but God condescended to human weakness: “Believe therefore that I am the beginning, for that you may believe, I not only am, but also speak to you.” “Where should a person turn to become good, if not to that Good that he loves, which he strives for, which he seeks?” (On the Trinity, 8, 3). In his sermon (267:2) on the Gospel parable about new wine, which should not be poured into old wineskins, Bl. Augustine identifies the “old man” with the carnal man. Wed. “On the City of God,” 12, 12–13, where Augustine gives a more extensive answer, admitting, however, that he is not able to resolve many questions. Operator (“doer”) is a later word. The analysis begins, by which bl. Augustine wants to prove that time is a subjective concept. The question of prophecies and their interpretation complicated the matter for Bl. Augustine's problem of time. In one of his letters, he says that Scripture calls prophets people “who saw the future not with bodily vision, but with the spirit” (“Letters”, 147, 50). Bl. Augustine wants to give a rational explanation for predictions: they judge the future and draw conclusions about it based on the present. Ps. 37:11, 138:6; “the inner eye” of the letters, “my secret eyes”, “there is another eye, there is an inner eye... these are the eyes of understanding, the eyes of the mind” (Bl. Augustine. “Tract. in Soan.”, 13, 3). Ps. 115, 1; 2 Cor. 4, 13. Ps. 38:6, 89:10; Sire. 18, 8. Bl. Augustine means a winter and a summer day. The movement of the sun allows us to measure time. Bl. Augustine considers this quite natural, but this practically measurable time does not provide any answer to the metaphysical question about the nature of time. “Elbow” is a measure of length, about 1/2 m. “Time cannot be comprehended outside the soul” (Plotinus. Ann. 3, 7, 11), but Plotinus thought about the cosmic soul, bl. Augustine, establishing the subjectivity of the concept of time, has in mind the human soul. With his exceptional literary skill, Bl. Augustine made the reader feel all the tension and anxiety of his thoughts, now his wonderful metaphor speaks of the joy of discovery. Bl. Augustine, therefore, considers time and its duration to be concepts created by our mind, which perceives the past and future by an effort of attention and memory. Our mind can decompose the past into a series of successive events and grasp all these events, focusing its attention on them at the present moment. Deprived of real existence outside, these events live firmly and steadily in our mind. Ps. 17, 36: distentio - dispersion, everyday turmoil and scatteredness in many ways. According to the teachings of the Neoplatonists, time is the product of precisely such anxiety in the Cosmic Soul, caused by its deviation from the clear immobility and immutability of the One. An echo of the Neoplatonists’ teaching about the descent of the soul into human life. Continuation of the “refined and melted” metaphor. “Who will not understand that there is no time if there are no created creatures that somehow change in some way. These movements and changes cannot occur simultaneously: one comes to replace another, one is longer, the other is shorter - and they take place in time” (“On the City of God”, 11, 6). Bl. Augustine discussed the question of whether angels were created “before all time,” and decided that since they are subject to change, they are “contemporary with time” (“On the City of God,” 12, 16). “Heaven of heavens” is a phrase from the psalm Ps. 113:24. Bl. Augustine interprets it differently: a) dwelling (Domus), the abode of intelligible beings; b) the mind of the light spirits inhabiting this monastery; c) the place where God Himself dwells; d) wisdom, “the firstborn of creation.” “The Lord raised the minds of some saints to such a height that only He could instruct them, but no one from people; in comparison with this heaven, everything that carnal eyes see should be called earth” (Sermons, 2, 11; cf. “On Psalms,” 113). The allusion is probably to the opposition made by the Neoplatonists between the sensory world and the intelligible world. For Neoplatonists, the sensory world is a “whole” whose elements are different and opposed. That is, the visible sky and earth. Bl. Augustine apparently used itala, the consistency of which with the translation of 70 interpreters he praises (“On the City of God,” XVIII, 43). In this translation we read precisely η δε γη ην αορατος και ακατασκευαστος ?. It is known that Bl. Augustine, struck by the difference in the Latin translations of Scripture (letter 71 to Jerome), undertook a comparison of all the manuscripts at his disposal with the translation of the 70. The definition of land “invisible” did not seem to bl. Augustine is strange. In accordance with his remark that the word “see” often denotes the activity of other senses (X, 54), he understood it as “inaccessible to sensory perception.” Basil the Great explained this place differently: “The earth was invisible, because it was covered with water, but there was darkness above the water” (Shestodnev, 2, 4). Ambrose followed Vasily (Six Days 1, 7, 26). But not the “kingdom of darkness,” as the Manichaeans taught. “So, the mind asks, was darkness created at the same time as the world? is she older than the world? despite the fact that it is inferior in nature, it is superior. “Darkness, we answer, does not exist by itself: it is a phenomenon caused by the absence of light in the air” (Basily the Great. Shestodnev, 2, 5). Bl. Augustine further clarifies this “before,” which by no means means primacy in time: time did not yet exist. Distingueres - see note. 16 “Confessions” (In this publication – book 7, chapter 6, footnote 4. – Editorial “The ABCs of Faith”). “The invisible and unsettled earth” and “darkness over the abyss” mean in the bl. Augustine's world before its organization, during which its differentiation began. Preceding any form, matter is devoid of any signs, both definite and defining. Nevertheless, it is not “nothing”, since it is the material for creating an organized world. And it is “mutability itself,” because it can change in every possible way. There is nothing definite in this changeability: matter is both “nothing” and “something”; it both “is” and “is not.” Matter bl. Augustine does not correspond to Aristotle's primary matter, which is conceivable and exists only in connection with form; at bl. Augustine is a kind of paradoxical reality: it is both the complete absence of form and the ability to take on a variety of forms. Plotinus said about her: “She already exists because she will be, but her existence is only in the future” (Ann. 2, 5, 3–5). The antinomic nature of matter also determines the antinomy of the idea of ​​it: you need to come to terms with the fact that you know it without understanding what it is. Wed. Ann. 2, 4, 10: “It [matter] is unclear, you think unclearly, dark - dark, you think without thinking.” Bl. Augustine insists on the creation of matter, thus speaking against both the Greek philosophers, who argued that matter coexists from eternity along with God, and against the Manichaeans, for whom matter is the creation of the lord of evil. Augustine's acquaintance with the Neoplatonists helped him come to this concept. “Having discarded all form, let us call matter that which has no form” (Ann. 1, 8, 9). “That which is born and passes from one state to another needs matter” (Ann. 2, 4, 2). These changes made it possible to understand what matter is. “Everyone agrees that what is called matter is a certain basis and container of forms.” (Ann. 2, 4, 1). Wed. Plato. "Timaeus 51 a": "Invisible and formless, containing everything." An appropriate designation would be “carrying” (Ann. 3, 6, 7). In regione dissimilitudinis. See book. VII, approx. 64. See note. 39 to book. IX “Confessions” (In this publication - book 9, chapter 4, footnote 23 De nihilo or ex nihilo (“out of nothing”) - εκ του μη οντος - we will find this expression in both Origen and John Chrysostom. Bl. Augustine gives the formula de nihilo a precise meaning: the material for creating the world was created by God, the created world was created de nihilo - not de Deo; among the Neoplatonists, the creature arises in a sense also de nihilo, because before its appearance there was nothing; but at the same time also ex Deo, for the perfection of the divine hypostases had to inevitably express itself in her. The origin of the creature de nihilo stamps it with finitude and malice, but since it was created by God, this makes it ontologically good. This ontological duality gives it a dual aspect on an ethical level. Creation is fickle and sinful because it is from “nothing”: it is inherent in deficere - the weakness of falling away from God. The ability to sin is a craving for nihil. “He created the world from formless matter” - a quote from Prem. 11according to the Greek text of the 70: κτησασα τον κοσμον εξ αμορφου υλης. See note 40 to book XI “Confession”. Bl. Augustine is referring to angels. Bl. Augustine notes the similarities between the Christian concept of angels and the Neoplatonist doctrine of the “lower gods.” “If they say that they are immortal, but, however, created by God and blessed because they do not depart from Him, then they say the same as we, no matter what name they call these creatures (“On the City of God,” 9, 23). “Who hates the world? those who have torn the truth to pieces" (On Psalms, 119, 7). Bl. Augustine is referring to heretics, specifically the Manichaeans. Specie motuve (“neither in appearance nor in movement”): Plotinus defines movement as a kind of “awakened” form (ειδος εγρηγορων) in contrast to “standing” forms that remain motionless (Ann. 6, 3, 22). Wed. approx. 16 to book. VII “Confessions” (In this publication - book 7, chapter 6, footnote 4 with his interpretation of the nature of evil, evil will is a deviation “from what is,” that is, from God, to what “is to a lesser extent.” Wed. approx. 29 to book. XI (?. – Editorial “ABC of Faith”). Ps. 41:11, 26:4, 101:28. “One should not think that God first created formless matter, and then, after missing some time, gave form to what he had previously created formless. Likewise, the speaker does not first utter formless sounds, which then take the form of words; So one should think that God created the world from formless matter, but created it simultaneously with the world” (Against the Laws 1, 9, 12). Gradatum (“gradually”), that is, rising as if along a ladder from one thought to another. The immediately added words “the earth was invisible...” denote the primary formless matter, and not the world, already ordered. Bl. Augustine is referring primarily to the Manichaeans, who rejected the Old Testament. “Both Testaments are a double-edged sword. The Old Testament promises earthly things. New is eternal. In both, the word of God is true, like a two-edged sword” (“On Psalms” 149, 12). “Hatred” of the Manichaeans by Bl. Augustine is a unique form of love: he wants them to die to their errors and come alive to God. Bl. Augustine has just outlined how he understands the first two verses of Genesis: “the heaven of heavens” is the spiritual, heavenly world, “earth”, “darkness”, “the abyss” are designations for formless matter. He acknowledges, however, the possibility of other interpretations. “It must be said that angels are changeable by nature, but they wished to love God more than themselves, and therefore abide in Him calmly and firmly” (“On True Religion,” 13, 26). Life 28, 17; Ps. 148, 6. Wed. Ann. 4, 3, 17, where Plotinus speaks of the World Soul as “light from light.” Gal. 4, 26; Ps. 148, 4. The theme of the journey of the soul is one of the favorite themes of the bl. Augustine. On this journey, he can go into the “Valley of Poverty and Death,” but he can also return to the right path, come to God, just as the saint himself came. Augustine. A living metaphor for spiritual blindness. That is, into your heart. This is how Bl. interprets it. Augustine says in the Gospel “enter your room” (Matthew 6:6). “The beginnings of the spirit” is an expression borrowed from St. Paul (Rom. 8:23). At bl. Augustine’s words mean the highest ability of the soul, directed towards God and established in Him by virtue of this striving. Wed. approx. 24 to book. IX “Confession” (? – Editorial “ABC of Faith”). This is reminiscent of the theory of Anaxagoras, who argued that initially “everything was together” (frgm. 1, 4), and differentiation occurred through the action of ordering reason. The difference between this last interpretation (the fourth) and the second is that in the fourth “earth and heaven” are understood as the spiritual and material world, already created, while representatives of the second understand them as a designation of the material for these worlds. Bl. Augustine gives five different interpretations of Gen. 1, 2. Their relation to what is given in Ch. 17th, not entirely clear. The first interpretation of “darkness” as formless matter coincides with Bl.’s own opinion. Augustine and corresponds to the first interpretation of the 17th chapter; the second corresponds to the second of the 17th chapter and the third to the third, but the fourth and fifth, asserting the precedence of formless matter, is something new: both of these views, however, do not assume that it existed independently and was not created by God, but only assert that nothing is said about its creation. Refusing to engage in conversation with those who doubt the truth of the very words of Scripture, Blessed. Augustine acknowledges that these words can be interpreted in different ways, and these different interpretations are acceptable if they do not contradict the faith and teaching of the Church. Bl. Augustine quotes from memory the words of St. Paul (Heb. 3:5): “Moses was faithful in all his house, as a servant.” An indirect reproach that Bl. Augustine does it to himself. In his struggle against delusions, Bl. Augustine was sometimes too harsh and repented of it. His words are remarkable in his treatise against the Manichaeans (2, 2): “Let those who do not know with what effort they find the truth and how difficult it is to avoid error, rage against you. Let those who do not know how rare and difficult it is to overcome carnal imaginations with a clear and pious mind be furious against you. Let those who do not know what work it takes to heal the eye of the inner man so that he can see the sun become fierce against you. Let those who do not know with what sighs and lamentations it is possible to know God a little, be furious against you. And finally, let those who never fell into the lies of the error into which you fell rage against you.” Ex eadem massa (“from the same substance”); bl. Augustine, in his book “On the Divinity to Simplidius” (1,2,16), outlined his thoughts on massa peacati: since the fall of Adam, humanity has been a “sinful mass” - a world where everyone is condemned and everyone has perished. You can leave this world only with the help of Divine grace. Bl. Augustine allows such anthropomorphism only for the parvulis animalibus - for weak, limited minds that cannot think abstractly, but on condition that they remain strong in faith. Animalis - this is how the word ψυχικος is translated in the New Testament. See 1 Cor. 2, 14. Bl. Augustine understands by the “beginning” of the first words of Genesis the Word, the Son, through whom the Father created everything. He acknowledges, however, the possibility of interpreting the words “in the beginning” as “at the beginning of creation.” The difficulty here is that one can agree with this interpretation only by accepting that “in the beginning” formless matter was created; then we must recognize a certain “primacy” of this matter. What kind of “primacy” is this? To resolve the issue, Augustine examines four types of “primacy.” "Championship" by origin bl. Augustine explains using the example of sound and singing. Sound corresponds to the formless, singing to the formed; both are simultaneous, which excludes primacy in time, but sound, as something formless, “takes precedence” over singing. Here, however, there is no primacy either in time or in dignity, but only “in origin” - origine. This word is poorly chosen, because the sound is not the source, not the origo of singing: bl. Augustine means logical primacy, the primacy of matter over form. In reasoning, this primacy appears clearly: the formless, of course, precedes the formed; we have to talk about it earlier. The mind, however, is not deceived by this sequence of verbal presentation: it simultaneously grasps what can only be expressed in words sequentially. “Man’s good will forestalls many of God’s gifts, and it itself is God’s gift, for we read in Scripture, “His mercy will warn me” and “His mercy will follow me”: it stands before the one who does not want him to desire, and follows the one who wants, so that his desire is not in vain” (Guide, 32). “When the Lord crowns our works, He crowns none other than His gifts” (Letters, 194, 19). “He does not need our service; we need His lordship, His action and protection; He is the only true Master, because we serve Him not for His benefit and salvation, but for our own” (“De gen. ad litt.”, 8, 11, 24). “In the Church of Christ you will find an abyss, you will also find mountains: you will find in it a small number of good people - after all, there are also few mountains - but the abyss is wide: it means a lot of bad people who live” (“On Psalms”, 3, 5). Plato (Timaeus, 29) says that the Creator, being good and not knowing envy, willed His creatures to be as similar to Him as they could be. Plotinus also hints at this place (Ann. 5, 4, 1). Sursum corda (“grief is our heart”) is a liturgical exclamation. Ps. 123. This Latin translation arose from a misunderstanding of the 70 το το υδωρ το ανυποστατον - “waters that cannot be resisted,” “turbulent waters.” Bl. Augustine interprets this passage as follows: “What are these waters, devoid of substance? these are the waters of sin: sin has no substance..." “Just as blindness is a vice, testifying to the fact that the eye was created to see the light... so its vice speaks of the excellent structure of nature, which would like to live in God: it is unhappy because it does not live in God” (“On the City of God,” 22, 1). Is. 58, 10; Ps. 17, 29. “If we have good will in the first place, then the will of God is accomplished in us... and no attack can destroy our happiness, and this is peace” (Blessed Augustine. Sunday Sermons 2, 6, 21). This is a series of short psalms: from 119 to 133; They were sung by Jewish pilgrims on their way to Jerusalem. This path was an “ascent”, since the city is located on a mountain. This is where the allegorical interpretation of creation begins. Under the "Earth" bl. Augustine means the carnal man. Life 1, 3; Matt. 3, 2: the gospel words allegorically interpret the biblical phrase. By “mountain” we mean Christ; “the land of Jordan” (Ps. 41:7) reminds a person that Christ, who came humbly to be baptized, set an example of humility for people (Eph. 5:8). 2 Cor. 5, 7; Rome. 8, 24. “What is this abyss that calls upon the abyss? If the abyss is something deep, then isn’t the human heart an abyss? What is deeper than this abyss? People can talk; you can see their actions, hear their words; whose thoughts can you penetrate, whose heart can you look into? How to understand what a person is hiding inside, what he is capable of inside, what he is doing inside, what plans he has inside, what he wants inside, what he doesn’t want inside? It is correct, I think, to understand the abyss of a person. The abyss calls upon the abyss, man is man. The holy preachers of the word of God call upon the abyss. Aren’t they themselves an abyss? What depths of weakness lay hidden in Peter! he had no idea what was happening in him when he promised to die with the Lord and for the Lord. What an abyss it was! This abyss, however, was laid bare before the eyes of God. So, every person, let him be holy, let him be righteous, let him abound in good, is an abyss. And he calls upon the abyss when, meaning eternal life, he preaches to man about faith and truth. And then only the abyss is useful to the abyss, which it has called, when it speaks with the voice of Your waterfalls” (“On Psalms”, 41, 8). 1 Cor. 3, 1; Phil. 3, 13; 2 Cor. 5, 4. 2 Cor. 5, 2; Rome. 12, 2; 1 Cor. 14, 20; Gal. 3, 1. In. 3, 29. Bl. Augustine means St. Pavel. Rome. 8, 23. “We possess the “firstfruits of the spirit,” because through faith we are already united to God by the spirit” (Prop. ex Ep. ad Rom. Expos.). “God stretched out the sky over us like a skin” (Ps. 103:2); “By heaven we must understand Scripture. God first established his authority in His Church” (“On Psalms”, 103, 2). “Skin means mortality; therefore, those two people (Adam and Eve), our ancestors, who brought sin upon the entire human race, becoming mortal, were expelled from paradise; and in commemoration they were dressed in leather clothes” (“On Psalms”, 103, 1). “During their lifetime, only Judea had prophets; after their death - all nations. While they were alive, the skin was not yet stretched out, the sky was not stretched out to cover the whole world with them” (ibid.). Ps. 8, 4. “We understand that in this place by “heaven” is meant the books of both Testaments”; They are called “the fingers of God”, according to the interpretation of Bl. Augustine, the authors of these books. This refers to angels, for whom the written word is not needed. Ps. 35, 6: “What are these clouds? These are preachers of the word." Ps. 91, 8; 1 Pet. 1, 25. 1 Cor. 13, 12; 1John 3, 2. “Through the nets of the body” is an allusion to the “Song of Songs”, 2, 9 (among the 70 δια των δικτυων; “to the smell...” – ibid., 1, 2–3. Ps. 35, 10. Explaining this place, bl. Augustine says that both words (“source” and “light”) mean the same thing. “The sea, bitter from salt, troubled by storms, is a symbol of this world. People corrupted by evil desires, like fish, devour each other. And if Christ had not been our hope far out to sea, He would not have said to His disciples: “I will make you fishers of men.” Caught in the sea by the nets of faith, let us rejoice that we are sailing on it in these nets; although the storm is raging, these nets will pull us to the shore. The sea ends at the shore; for us, arrival is the end of the world. Let us, brothers, live well in these networks; let us not tear them apart and escape outside” (“On Psalms”, 64, 6). God did not create this metaphorical “bitter sea”; he arranged it. The earth emerging from the waters and bearing fruit is, according to the interpretation of Bl. Augustine, Church. “Let the peoples thank you, O Lord, let all nations thank you: the earth has given its fruit. What fruit? May all nations thank You. There was a land, a land overgrown with thorns; the hand of the Writhing One came to her, His call sounded, majestic and merciful. And the earth gave thanks, and already “the earth gives its fruit” (Gen. 1:12). Could the earth have given its fruit if God’s mercy had not descended on it? The Lord sent rain from His mouth, and what we read about in the Gospel happened: it shed rain from its clouds - it sent apostles and preachers of truth, and the earth bore abundant fruit, and the world was full of this harvest" (On Psalms, 66, 6). Ps. 84:12 and Gen. 1:14 ; Is. 58:7–8. 2 Cor. 5:17 ; Rome. 13:11–12. Ps. 64:12; Matt. 9:38; In. 4:38. Bl. Augustine makes this distinction between “wisdom” (sapientia) and “knowledge” (scientia), citing Job 28:28: “Piety is wisdom; to refrain from evil is knowledge” (Vulg.). “From this distinction, one should think that wisdom has to do with the contemplation of the eternal, and knowledge with action” (“On the Trinity,” 12, 14, 22). In the Old and New Testaments, the “sacraments” (sacramenta) are different: the sacraments that give salvation and those that only promise the Savior are different. “The sacraments of the New Testament provide salvation, the sacraments of the Old promised a Savior. You already possess what was promised; Why, having a Savior, are you looking for promises? the sacraments have changed: there are fewer of them; they are easier, more salutary, more joyful” (“On the Psalms”, 73, 2). In principle: bl. Augustine, interpreting Genesis. 1, 16: luminare maius initium diei (“the greater luminary is the beginning of the day”), writes: “This “beginning” should be understood as “dominion over the day” (de gen. impert. 13, 40; “On the Psalms,” 135, 8–9); enumerating the same “gifts” as here, he adds: “There is not one of them that is not necessary in the night of this age; when it passes, they will not be needed; they are the lords of the night." This praise of wisdom (the intuitive contemplation of God) is reminiscent of the praise of Christian "gnosis" in Clement of Alexandria and Origen. Animalis homö animalis – translation ψυχικος (“soulful”) – see 1 Cor. 2, 14: “The natural man does not receive the things of the Spirit of God”; “baby...” – 1 Cor. 2, 1–2. Is. 1, 16–17; A quotation from Gen. breaks into his text. 1:9, 12, which is interpreted allegorically. Matt. 19, 16–22; Mk. 10, 17–22; OK. 18, 18–23. That is, what to give to the Church and what to the world. 1 Pet. 2, 9; 1 Cor. 1, 27. Rome. 10, 15; Is. 52, 7. Life 1, 20; Jer. 15, 19. Under “reptiles” and “birds” bl. Augustine understands the sacraments to help worldly people comprehend the truth. “Sea” is a sinful world. By “sacraments” here we mean mainly the signs and wonders that accompanied the work of the preachers of the Gospel in the early Church. That is, this is an absolute truth that does not need development. In. 4:48: “You will not believe unless you see signs and wonders.” Matt. 16:4: “An evil and adulterous generation seeks signs.” 1 Cor. 14, 22; In. 4, 48. “Since, having received baptism, they were established in an unshakable faith, it is said about them “he established the earth on the waters” (“On Psalms”, 135, 8). “Flying creatures” are symbolic actions, sensually perceived. Fish is a symbol of Christ in the first centuries of Christianity; the Greek word ιχθυς contained the initial letters of the formula “Jesus Christ the Son of God, the Savior” - Ιησους Χριστος Θεου Yιος Σωτηρ. Ps. 22, 5: we are talking about the Eucharist. 1 Thess. 1, 7: “You have become an example to the believers.” Life 1, 21. Bl. Augustine interprets these words in the sense of imitation of one person by another. 1 Cor. 2, 15; Rome. 12, 2; Life 1, 27; Col. 3, 10. Ps. 48, 21, 13; 1 Cor. 2, 10–16. Col. 3, 10; Jacob 4, 11. Matt. 7, 20; 1 Cor. 5, 12. The human mind is lazy: it must be awakened by preaching. The biblical text may be, according to Bl. Augustine, understood both in the literal sense and interpreted allegorically. “Increase and multiply” can be understood as indicating that the Bible allows for different but correct interpretations. Bl. Augustine believed that Scripture is filled with a deep and secret meaning that must be found, since it is covered with a literal interpretation. “The obvious truth, which leaves a person cold, will captivate him when he reveals it under allegory” (“On the Teaching of the Catechumens,” 9, 13). “I have no doubt that the darkness of Scripture was provided for by Divine wisdom, which wished through labor to humble human pride and save the human mind from disdain for what it easily comprehends...” (“On Christian Doctrine”, 11, 6, 7). The lazy mind has to be awakened, not allowing it to rest on one single explanation. “Dry land” - “souls thirsting for you” (§ 21). First of all, an allusion to Genesis. 1, 28: “Fill the earth and subdue it” (Vulg.). Allegorically: reason rules the earth (i.e., the Church); the carnal mind of the “waters” (i.e., the world) requires signs. Under the “creatures of people” Bl. Augustine understands the different concepts constituted by the human mind. 2 Tim. 1, 16; 2 Cor. 11, 9; 2 Tim. 4, 16. Ps. 18, 5; Rome. 10, 18. Greek ηκαιρεσθε - “you did not have a suitable opportunity” - bl. Augustine translated incorrectly and in favor of his own interpretation. Matt. 10, 41–42; bl. Augustine incorrectly connected tantum in nomine “only in the name of...”, when “only” should have been placed before “the cup.” The biblical story is about how the ravens brought bread and meat to the prophet Elijah and how he then settled with a widow, who, through his prayer, had flour and butter throughout the famine (1 Kings 17:6-16). According to the teachings of the Manichaeans, the captive forces of darkness penetrated everywhere. “They say that the same lords of darkness remain bound throughout the entire world structure, from top to bottom” (“Against Faustus,” 6, 8). In “Revision” 2, 6, 2 bl. Augustine returns to this place. Proof that above our sky, although it is cloudlessly clear, there are waters: from them dew and steam. That is, just emerging from the water, see Gen. 1, 9. Ps. 144, 10. Nature praises God without words; a person, seeing the works of God, is imbued with love for God and expresses his love in words; the cycle of praise is thus completed. Bl. Augustine understands iastifico as “I make righteous.” See § 20: “he gathered together the bitter waters,” that is, sinners. “Just as it is correctly said that when we do something, God acts in us, so it is correct to say that God rests when he gives us rest” (“De gen. ad litt.”, 4, 9, 16). “We could not know this world if it did not exist; if God had not seen it in advance, the world would not have existed” (“On the City of God,” 11:10). You might be interested in: