Глава IV. Зов Божий

Many thoughts are in the hearts of the husband: the counsel of the Lord endures forever. (Prov. 19, 21) It is from the Lord that man’s feet are straightened. (Ps. 36.23) Having a naturally cheerful and lively character, loving the company of people, being fond of singing and music, and even at one time dreaming of entering military service, Alexander Mikhailovich never thought of becoming a monk. But, apparently, our thoughts are not the thoughts of God, and our ways are not the ways of God. “I never thought of going to a monastery,” the elder himself later said, “however, for some reason others predicted to me that I would be in a monastery.” The fact that others saw a future monk in Alexander Mikhailovich is very remarkable: it shows that despite his cheerfulness and sociability, Alexander Mikhailovich was and seemed to be a different person, “not of this world.” This means that even in the years of his early youth, it was noticeable to everyone that he had no real, inner attachment to anything worldly, he was so pure in heart, so internally with God that people could not have intended for him any other path of life than the path of completely devoting himself to God in monasticism. And although Alexander Mikhailovich himself was not yet clearly aware of his life’s calling, there were moments when this calling unexpectedly and powerfully declared itself in his soul. So a year before the end of the course at the seminary, Alexander Mikhailovich fell very seriously ill. There was almost no hope for recovery. “Everyone despaired of my recovery,” said Fr. Ambrose, I had little hope for him myself. They sent for a confessor. He didn't drive for a long time. I said: “Farewell, God’s light!” And then I made a promise to the Lord that if He raises me up healthy from my sick bed, then I will certainly go to a monastery.” Having never thought, as he himself said, about a monastery, Alexander Mikhailovich suddenly vows to become a monk. Is it not clear from this that this vow, unknown to him, had long been formed and lived in the depths of his heart, was already firmly imprinted there by all the previous circumstances of his life and the features of his personal character, and that only a suitable opportunity was missing for it to clearly flare up in the consciousness of the pious young man? Thus, already in 1835, being 23 years old, Alexander Mikhailovich, in the face of death threatening him, determined his own path in life. But this path also frightened him. The great responsibility that he was preparing to take upon himself in the face of God and people frightened him; the break with the bright sides of life in the world also frightened him. A fierce internal struggle began in his soul between the decision he had made and involuntary doubts. Is he suitable for the chosen path? Is his decision serious? Is he frivolously taking on an unbearable burden? Isn't he falling into self-delusion? Such and similar questions could not help but come to his mind and could not help but confuse his spirit. He spent four years in this difficult internal struggle, carefully hiding his state of mind from everyone and waiting for definite instructions from above, from the Lord. Of course, while he was still in the seminary, he could not seriously think about bringing his vow to fulfillment: he had to first complete his education. But when the seminar course was completed, Alexander Mikhailovich needed to determine his future path in life! Not yet feeling the determination to accept monasticism, he wanted to choose for himself such a social position that would give him the opportunity at any given moment to turn from it to where his sense of duty led him, but to which he did not yet feel sufficiently mature. Therefore, he did not go to the theological academy, which would have bound his freedom again for several years, and he did not even go to the priesthood... He happily accepted the offer of one landowner to be a home teacher for his children. He remained in this position for more than a year. And already here his amazing knowledge of people and ability to deal with them, guiding them in a good direction, began to be noticeably revealed in him. “It happened,” he later said, “a husband and wife would fall out and both would turn to me with complaints about each other. I think to myself: how can I do this? Although they had a falling out, they would make up again in an hour or two. And for me, if I ever take one side, I need to use it to arm the other against myself. So, it used to be that I would only listen to their complaints, and I would look at them and silently smile. Soon my owners, of course, made peace, and I was on good terms with both of them.” From this story it is clear that already at a time when A.M. was only 25 years old, the people around him, submitting to his influence, themselves assigned him a special place in their circle, making him the judge of the intimate events of their lives. In Alexander Mikhailovich, the future elder was gradually emerging with his compassion for people and his ability to get them out of a difficult situation. Living in the family of a landowner, Alexander Mikhailovich became closely acquainted with secular society for the first time, which brought him great benefit, expanding his life experience. Meanwhile, a teaching vacancy opened at the Lipetsk Theological School. Alexander Mikhailovich expressed a desire to take this position and was assigned to it on March 7, 1838. As a teacher at a religious school, Alexander Mikhailovich left behind a fond memory. Intelligent, thoughtful, observant, lively, cheerful, extremely kind and at the same time strict with that special kind of severity that is developed in a person by a high concept of the honor and duties of a person, he was an irreplaceable educator of young souls and an excellent member of the school corporation. It would seem that he now had a smooth, serene life ahead of him doing what he loved in the circle of colleagues who were sincerely disposed towards him. But in reality it was not like that. The persistent thought of monasticism and the vow he had taken did not leave his heart. The transitions from external multi-career activities and from secular entertainment in the circle of young people to internal solitary conversations with one’s conscience became more and more acute, more and more painful. His conscience inexorably executed him for failure to fulfill his vow, for wasting his time. The deeply religious Alexander Mikhailovich then sought consolation and reassurance in fiery prayer. At night, when his fellow servicemen, with whom he lived in the same government apartment, fell asleep, he stood in front of the icon of the Queen of Heaven, called “Tambov”, with his parental blessing, and for a long, long time, invisibly and inaudibly for people, he prayed to the Mother of God to direct his path. However, his comrades soon learned about these nightly prayers, and some of them even allowed themselves inappropriate ridicule of him. Then A.M. began to hide in the attic and there he continued to pour out his prayerful feelings to the intercessor of the Christian family. Solitary fiery prayer, and partly the ridicule suffered by his comrades because of it, more and more consolidated in the young man’s soul a feeling of serious and deep love for God. The thought of God took possession of his heart more and more, became sweeter and closer to him. In order to surrender more fully and unhindered to this growing sense of communion with God, Alexander Mikhailovich began to leave the city. Near Lipetsk, on the other side of the Voronezh River, one can still see a huge government forest, reminiscent of the Optina forests. Alexander Mikhailovich often liked to go there in his free time from classes for a solitary walk and contemplation of God. One day, during such a walk, he accidentally came to a flowing stream and began to listen to its murmur. In this murmuring stream he began to clearly hear the words: “Praise God, keep God!” “I stood for a long time, listening to this mysterious voice of nature, and was very surprised,” the elder later said. His heart felt the closeness of God even more vividly, a fiery prayer kindled in him even more fervently, and pulled him even more decisively out of the world, into the shadow of a secluded, quiet monastic monastery. Realizing the great importance of the life decision taking shape in his soul, Alexander Mikhailovich was afraid to accept it as his sole responsibility. He wanted to find moral support for himself in another strong and holy will, which would bless him on his chosen path and free his soul from the painful feeling of loneliness when taking such a decisive step. The summer of 1839 arrived. The exams at the theological school ended, and the students scattered to their parents' homes. It was time for the teachers to rest, too. Alexander Mikhailovich spent the summer with his friend, the son of the priest of the village of Slansky, Pavel Stepanovich Pokrovsky. Not far from the village. Slansky lived at that time the famous Troekurovsky recluse Fr. Hilarion, to whom many turned for advice both personally and in writing. Our friends also decided to visit the recluse to ask him for advice and blessings on their future lifestyle. After resting for some time in Slanskoye, the young people set off on foot to Troekurovo, located 30 miles from Slanskoye. Father Hilarion received them kindly. Alexander Mikhailovich’s heart trembled deeply when, having expressed his thoughts and feelings to the elder, he heard from him the words: “Go to Optina! We could go to Sarov, but now there are no such elders there as before.” At the same time, as some report, Fr. Hilarion added: “You are needed in Optina!” So the die seemed to have been cast. But the prudent and cautious Alexander Mikhailovich was still in no hurry to fulfill the desire of his heart - he wanted to receive another blessing, the blessing of the great abbot of all Russia, St. Sergius, the Wonderworker of Radonezh, the founder of monastic life in the northern reaches of our fatherland. Since there was still quite a bit of time left before the start of classes at the school, he persuaded his friend to take a new trip to the Trinity-Sergius Lavra. Pavel Stepanovich, who himself felt an attraction to monasticism and loved visiting holy monasteries, happily agreed. The preparations have begun. Alexander Mikhailovich bent arcs from young branches with his own hands, attached them to the back of a simple village cart and covered them with felt and matting in order to have protection from rain and the heat of the sun. Priest Stefan Pokrovsky, Pavel Stepanovich's father, who sympathized with the young people's trip, gladly gave them, despite the working time, their own horse. Finally everything was ready to go. The weather was favorable, and the young friends set off on the road, cheerful and cheerful, encouraged by the blessings and good wishes of their relatives and friends. How light and joyful it became in their souls when the wide expanse of fields, refreshed by a light breeze, and the boundless depth of the blue sky enveloped them on all sides! Their souls seemed to plunge into the abyss of infinity, come into contact with other worlds and feel the living touch of Almighty God! In communication with nature, in communication with people, day after day passed unnoticed for them, and finally, having passed noisy Moscow, they arrived at the Trinity-Sergius Lavra. According to established custom, they also visited the Khotkovo convent, where they bowed to the graves of the parents of the Venerable. Sergius, Cyril and Maria. There, A. M. talked for a long time alone with the recluse Martha, but what they said remained a secret. An inexplicable feeling of tenderness gripped the soul of Alexander Mikhailovich here! He saw before him those hills that, having once been covered with dense forest, had witnessed the solitary prayerful exploits of young Sergius! How understandable these exploits were, how captivating they were to his own reverent heart! Here is the source that flowed through the prayer of the saint! Here is that wondrous cell, now turned into a chapel, where throughout the night the fiery prayers of St. Sergius, through whose threshold the feet of the Mother of God once crossed, where even now a touching paraklisis is performed “in the depths of the morning” every Saturday in memory of this wonderful visit! And here is the church itself, where the holy relics of the great saint of God rest incorruptible! How many thoughts, how many great memories, how many deep and sweet feelings flooded into the young, pure, sensitive soul of Alexander Mikhailovich when he fell to the ground at the tomb of the great prayer book of the Russian land, asking for blessings, help, strengthening on his chosen path of life! And his prayer, of course, was not in vain. Deep inner peace and calm determination descended into his soul in this sacred place. The young pilgrims prayed here, confessed and partook of the Holy Mysteries of Christ. Finally, the days of worship are over. The time has come to set off on the return journey. With a sad but also grateful feeling, full of great impressions, our pilgrims left the holy monastery. They made their way back unnoticed, and at the end of the holidays they returned to Lipetsk. Alexander Mikhailovich’s intention was finally determined, and he began to wait for a favorable opportunity for its implementation, or, better to say, the last decisive call of God. This call soon followed. Classes began, Alexander Mikhailovich began his lessons. One day at the end of September, Alexander Mikhailovich and his colleagues were at someone’s party. It was especially fun. Alexander Mikhailovich was, as they say, on fire: he joked, laughed, talked a lot, and infected both guests and hosts with his gaiety. Arriving home, however, he felt an unprecedented melancholy and remorse. An inner voice powerfully told him: “It will happen! It's time to end it all! You cannot serve both God and mammon! You have to choose one thing! We must cleave completely to the one God! We must leave the world!” The next day, having met with Pokrovsky, Alexander Mikhailovich told him quietly from everyone: “I’m going to Optina.” He was amazed: “How will you go? After all, classes have just started - they won’t let you in!” - “Well, what should we do? answered Alexander Mikhailovich, “I can’t live in the world anymore; I’ll leave secretly, but don’t tell anyone about it!” And after a little time, Alexander Mikhailovich disappeared from Lipetsk. The caretaker of the school at that time was priest Kastalsky, rector of the Lipetsk Cathedral. The disappearance of his teacher put him in a difficult situation. It was necessary to report what had happened to the seminary authorities, and at the same time I felt sorry for Alexander Mikhailovich. Not knowing what to do, the school superintendent decided to remain silent about the disappearance of Alexander Mikhailovich for the time being, waiting for the further course of circumstances. You might be interested in: