Часть 3. 1904–1907 годы

I had the good fortune to see and read the diaries of Father John of Kronstadt in the original. I remember that I had sixteen notebooks of different shapes and sizes, covered with the hand of the great lamp. Unfortunately, due to the complexity of the lessons, I was not able to properly disassemble and study them in due time, and yet they contain a lot of interesting things. From there, only reverent reflections and spiritual contemplations were extracted, yet the diary entries about the personal and intimate experiences of the priest - about his constant struggle with sinful thoughts and feelings - remained unpublished, while every line of the All-Russian shepherd can be significant for someone who, following his example, seeks spiritual improvement. I present here what I managed to write out from the three notebooks of his diary for the years 1904–1907. On the first page, Father John makes the following heading: “Some notes about the divine service of the Orthodox Church in memory of myself and my dear brethren - the priests and deacons, partly the psalm-readers, May 12, 1907.” The writing is illegible and below there is the following note: “I could barely make out the word “partly” (I read “about printing”). How badly, illegibly, unintelligibly, incorrectly I write, it’s a disgrace, July 6, 1907” 16. From the book “Memoirs” by Bishop Arseny (Zhadanovsky) March 29th (1907).. Thursday. I sinned last night by treating the wife of priest A.E., who was stricken with paralysis, irritably and angrily. It was unpleasant for me that she invited me to him, who was sick, with the Holy Gifts (for tomorrow, that is, today), while I had to (had to) hurry to ... at the indicated hours. I ask the Lord for forgiveness for my sins. E. received communion yesterday, and today - another time. March 30. And in my sleep I serve as the subject of mocking dreams of ethereal enemies, who put me in countless ridiculing, stupid situations, bewilderments, senseless constructions, losses, or who frighten me with wars, fires, thunder, lightning, earthquakes and all sorts of unpleasant dreams, or who defile me with voluptuous views. I am a damned man! Who will deliver me from this body of death? April 4 (1907), Wednesday, 5th week. (Lent). I thank You, Lord, for yesterday and for all the days of my life, and for the present day, which I met in my monastery on Karpovka. The day of the tonsure of nuns Anastasia and Anna. Guide them, Lord, into Your Heavenly Kingdom. I pray to the Lord to forgive me for eating a sweet dish in the evening, which was morally (and not physically) harmful for me precisely because it was sweet and very pleasing to the multi-passionate flesh. May 1 (1907).. Tuesday of St. Thomas Week. I thank the Lord, who accepted my secret repentance and granted me salvation. How good You are, Lord, and how quickly obedient to those who repent of You, Lord! Grant me to be faithful to You with all my heart all the days of my life. May 5 (1907).. Saturday of St. Thomas Week. I thank the Lord, who gave me the grace to write the word for May 6th and print (it). Glory to You, Lord, Hypostatic Wisdom and the Word of God with the Father and the Holy Spirit. Amen. June 26. After the Liturgy. I thank my Lord with all my heart for accepting my warm repentant prayer for mercy on me and healing the fierce ulcer in my heart that struck him for the existing hostility towards the servant of God... - for the fact that she stands in front of everyone in the church (I secretly humiliated her and subjected her to partiality - after all, I did not do this to other people). The Lord healed the ulcer of my heart and had mercy on me, disposing my heart towards love, peace and respect for it together with others and allowing me to celebrate the Liturgy in peace. (This was during mass before the Cherubim).. March 28. 10 pm. I thank the Lord, who has repeatedly saved me from my sins, from the angry and hostile movements of my accursed heart after secret prayers of repentance in the carriage, in the monastery and in my cell. I deeply recognized and felt my sins in my heart and denounced, reproached, condemned myself and prayed to the Lord with His immeasurable mercy to forgive my sins, to heal my heart with a good change, to pacify, cleanse, renew, dissolve it with the grace of the Holy Spirit - and I was not put to shame at all times, no matter how much I called on the name of the Lord in unfeigned repentance. Glory to the Lord, in invincible mercy. August 19. Ivanovo Monastery. Overnight. In a dream before waking up at half past six I saw a significant dream: not in houses, but on the roofs of houses or dachas I saw jubilant people with candles; among others, I saw my sisters-in-law Alexandra and Anna Konstantinovna and my wife. There was some kind of general joyful, festive mood, with which I congratulated my people, calling them by name. Is it an ordinary dream or an omen of some kind of celebration? God willing! Due to excess in food and sweets (a glass of sweet tea with dry pretzels on the ship “Dear”) and sleep on the ship, I was conveniently exposed to the temptation of irritation with Vera Yves, who was traveling with me. - because she took me to very dirty apartments, where I experienced severe embarrassment from the people. This - once, twice - because she was lucky very far, almost to the Vorontsov courtyard, to the son of E.I.V.; Here I was very angry that she did not name the streets where she was taking her. But I repented with all my heart of my impatience and waywardness, blamed myself, and justified V.I. as meek and humble. Yes, I violated the most important thing of God’s Law – love for one’s neighbor. The immeasurably merciful Lord had mercy on me from sorrow and distress and gave me peace, healing and boldness. The same thing happened in my monastery, where the Lord accepted my repentance, gave me peace and delivered me from sorrow. The all-evil and all-evil enemy catches and catches, constantly catches. Today, in the Church of the House of Diligence in Kronstadt, he caught and tormented me with hostility and some kind of humiliation, jealousy and envy of my cathedral psalm-reader due to the fact that he stood out very sharply with his voice when singing liturgical chants. With difficulty I broke the enemy’s violence, scorching and wounding, and only through secret repentance and prayer did I overcome him, taking parts out of the prosphora to propitiate the Lord. How we must pity the Christian and non-Christian race, which suffers willy-nilly, knowingly and unknowingly, from the devil’s violence and delusion. After the Liturgy and Eliseevsky lunch in St. Petersburg. I thank You, Lord, for the Liturgy performed in tenderness of heart and for the prayer read sincerely and loudly for victory over the enemies, and for the overcoming by Your grace of the temptations that occurred during dinner and after it. September 26. The Lord revealed in me today during the Liturgy the immeasurable power of His Grace and the same strength of His gracious mercy for my faith and secret repentance. The temptation was especially strong and fast, like lightning, at the great entrance with the Holy Sacrament, when the enemy struck my heart with an acute hostility towards NN’s wife, and towards himself, because she stood behind bars on the salt, where everyone was forbidden to go. But by quick, secret repentance and self-condemnation, I attracted God’s mercy and help and peace of mind, and I served the rest of the Liturgy peacefully, with grace, and received communion in the same way. But with the communicants frantically approaching, he became embarrassed, irritated and amused the enemy with his anger. My deep repentance, however, the Lord accepted and had mercy on me. Oh, how the damned one catches! Be sober and watchful, for your adversary the devil walks around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour. October 31st. In Kronstadt, in the House of Diligence, when I went with prayer services and gave communion to sick visitors, the elderly maiden A. followed me from apartment to apartment, asking for a particle for her communion. There were few particles left in stock - I had to save them for the sick woman in Oranienbaum - and I became very angry with A. and sharply drove away E., her relative, who interceded for her; and so I angered the Lord, the Source, the Foundation of love, with my irritation, and upset my neighbors, and it became hard for me, very hard. I began to repent to the Lord, repent a lot both here and on the ship “Dear.” And the Lord forgave me for my grave sin. Here's a lesson: treat everyone meekly, condescendingly, patiently, kindly. My so-called spiritual children, who have been partaking daily of the Holy Mysteries of Christ for several years now, have not learned obedience, kindness and long-suffering love and are giving themselves over to bitterness and disobedience, and this is when they are taught faith and Christian virtues daily through the word of the Church. God! What should I do with them? Teach by Your Holy Spirit how to correct them? What to do with them? How and when should they be admitted to the Cup of Life? Shouldn't we give them penance? Should we not deprive them of communication for a month or more, so that they will learn to communicate unfeignedly, with fear, with deep humility and love for their neighbors with You, the Heavenly Creator, gentle and meek? But heal me myself, the doctor of others, O Lord, for I continually sin after communion of the Holy Mysteries. I remembered my St. Petersburg Academy and my life within its walls, which was not without sin, although I was a very pious student, devoted to God with all my heart. My sins consisted in the fact that sometimes on great holidays I drank wine, and only God alone saved me from harm, that I did not get caught by the authorities of the Academy and was not expelled from it, as the student Metelnikov (Vas. Ivanovich from the Nizhny Novgorod Seminary) was expelled, who got drunk to the point of insensibility and froze his hands outside the walls of the Academy. (The gates were locked at night and he could not enter the Academy). I thank the Lord for his mercy and concealment of my sinful actions. And then there was another case: on one twelfth holiday, I was ordered to stand at the all-night vigil and hold the miter for Archimandrite Kirill, an extraordinary professor and assistant inspector of the Academy, but I (the miter) did not take it off, and then, when my comrades noticed why I did this, I answered: “He will take it off himself.” How I got away with this rudeness, I don’t know, but the archimandrite, apparently, was offended by me and addressed me in a lecture in the audience with very strong notations, without mentioning me. He read Moral Theology and was a relative of the rector of the Academy, Bishop Macarius of Vinnitsa. I honor your venerable memory, my former bosses and mentors (Vladika Macarius, inspector Archimandrite John (Sokolov), lecturer of Theology and professor Archimandrite Kirill), that you condescended to me and did not punish me according to my guilt and gave me the opportunity to graduate happily and receive the academic degree of candidate of theology and the priesthood. I thank the Lord, who was patient with me throughout my upbringing, for in school and in the Seminary I angered Him with my sins, although I always repented, and often with the hottest tears. Glory to You, who has endured me until now! I thank the Lord, who has repeatedly performed miracles of mercy and blessings of peace, renewal, freedom, and boldness in me in prayers for people in different houses and apartments of the capital. Glory to His benevolence, kindness, mercy and power, which gives life to us, killed by various sins. Lord, remove from my heart the thorn of the enemy and send me the dew of the grace of Your Spirit, reviving and cooling my heart. I see the beauty of the evil one. Lord, take away the obsession of the enemy from my heart and always show it free through repentance. Who is the great God, like our God! You are God and work miracles; Thou hast said Thy power in people - in Thy countless deeds - and the Church continually remembers and glorifies all Thy great deeds in the world and in Thy Church. Glory to Thee, Lord, glory to Thee. Wake up! Wake up! April 19, 1905 Easter Tuesday. I thank the Lord, who expelled the charm of sin from my heart through secret prayer of repentance and freed me from the captivity of sin, and gave me freedom from sin and peace. Enlighten, O Lord, the eyes of my heart with the light of the mind of Your Holy Gospel. May 2nd. I thank the Lord for this day, successfully spent by the mercy and assistance of God in prayers for the people who invited me to St. Petersburg. Thank you also for the written sermon on May 8th (John the Theologian). 24 and 25. The ethereal villain was looking and is looking to make me disgusted with the young doctor given to me by the professor, and arouses pity for the impressive amount of money that he negotiated in two months. But You, Lord, destroy the cunning of the enemy! May 8th. I was tempted by partiality, contempt, pride, hostility towards the poor, who do not have a specific occupation in Kronstadt and often approach the Chalice of Communion arbitrarily, without asking me. I repent of this in the depths of my soul, for I have angered my Lord with partiality and the devil’s hostility, and I don’t want to do this in the future. Forgive me, Lord! I seal my repentance with this inscription. September 13, 1904 This morning, at about four o'clock, in a dream, as if in reality, I seemed to find myself in Yasnaya Polyana; Some relative of Count Tolstoy comes to me from Count Tolstoy and says: “Count Tolstoy is very sick and calls you to pray.” I ask in surprise: “Really? I'm going now." And I think: how will I meet him and what will I say? However, I think God will teach me what to say, I trust in Him, the Source of Wisdom. And he began to gather towards him. But it’s a pity that I woke up... What does this mean? May 17. I thank the Lord, who yesterday (May 16) listened to my secret prayer during the service of the Liturgy and gave me, instead of cramped space, space and peace of heart with service to the deceased and touched. I thank the Lord, who has pacified my heart, embarrassed by the slander of the scribblers of the St. Petersburg List. Glory, Lord, to Your everlasting obedience to my prayers. But hear my prayers for the granting of complete victory to the Russian army, sea and land. “Let me not boast except in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ: to whom peace was crucified, and to the world” (Gal. 6:14). Am I crucified to the world? May 20. Setting off from my Ivanovo women's monastery on the Nikolaev railway car, I was greatly tempted by beggar boys (nine or ten years old) who relentlessly pursued my carriage and asked for a handout. I became angry and embittered with them for the second request (they were given a ruble each, although not all of them), and the grace of God left me, I fell into intense sorrow and tightness of heart when inflamed by hellish anger and with difficulty begged the Lord to forgive me the sin of hostility, hard-heartedness, stinginess and love of money, and only in the carriage, with persistent secret prayer of repentance, was I granted the forgiveness of my sins and peace and spaciousness of heart. Do not allow, God, in the future to reach such a state of mind and teach me to always feel sorry for the poor and have compassion for them, for my hand has not yet become weak from alms. Today is May 25th. By the grace of God I cast out demons from a woman who had suffered from them for eighteen years. Lord, I thank You for Your mercy and power, revealed in driving away demons from Your servant, the peasant woman of the Yaroslavl province. 1904. I caused serious moral harm to myself on May 2 (Sunday) by unnecessarily eating scrambled eggs with black bread and very little fresh burbot fish soup; I had a heavy heart and emptiness all night, and I could not sleep peacefully. The grace of God abandoned me, a sinner, for gluttony and greed. Never have dinner again. How easy it is for the soul when the stomach is empty. At 12 o'clock at night (on May 23rd). I thank the Lord, who heard my secret prayer and showed me great and rich mercy, and delivered my fallen soul from aphids. I thank the Lord, who delivered me during the Liturgy of the Faithful from the embarrassment and oppression that arose in my soul at the sight of smoke from the wind-blown candles on the altar, which seemed to smoke the miter on me (I regretted it, so that it would not become sooty - vanity and vanity at such moments!). But the Lord sent His truth and His grace into my heart, and I overcame the dream of the enemy, who troubled me with his passion for decay and dust. Having calmed down, I performed the service without stumbling and said a good word to the believers who were standing in the church about the celebration of Easter, about the evidence of the Resurrection of the dead from nature, which in winter becomes numb and dead, and in summer comes to life, strengthens and smells fragrant. Another time, the Lord delivered me from great embarrassment, sorrow and distress that befell me when I was informed of a large sum given to one person for accompanying me, which I valued much less, and I seemed to have lost interest in him. But, having weighed in my thoughts the amounts that I receive for free from others at different times, and the amount that my companion demanded from my loved ones and which I will not pay, I was calmed by the grace of God and turned my hostility into affection for him. But in the evening, at about eleven o’clock, the disembodied enemy attacked me even more powerfully through the same thought, through the same addiction to money - I struggled with the enemy for a long time and finally, in the name of the Lord, I defeated his dream and evil machinations and calmed down. I thank the Lord, the Conqueror of hell, for all His spiritual and material blessings, I thank You, Most Generous Master! Confirm in me this, which you have done, O Master, and reign in me. I hear, elder of the Gethsemane monastery, that near the Sergius Lavra, Father Barnabas spoke unkindly about me. What did I do to him? We need to pray that the Lord will reconcile our hearts. Today the wife of my former secretary came to see me and said a lot of insolent things to me. And this is because I supported her husband in every possible way and took care of (their) family. Frankly, I couldn’t stand it and sharply asked her to leave my house. I spent the night peacefully, only feeling a slight chill in my back. I put on a warm cassock. In the morning I woke up healthy. But there was great despondency in my soul and body, and I prayed rather lazily. Arriving at church, I felt sleepy despondency and an involuntary hostility towards those I met along the way and in the church. I secretly prayed to God for my change of heart, for the gift of meekness, humility, love and cordial disposition towards everyone, and the Lord wonderfully changed my state of mind, giving me peace and gentleness, and completely changed my inner world for the better. I calmly and solemnly read the canon and then celebrated the Liturgy. In the middle of it, the enemy tried to shake my peace with the passion of my heart for the shiny decay (mitre) - I regretted that it would not smoke (from the burning candles and censer) - and through the tightness and powerlessness of my heart, but having risen by faith, secret prayer and warm repentance, I overcame the enemy's influx and calmed down. Oh, how cunning, subtle and vigilant the enemy is, and how great are our stupid passions! Then, with emotion and tears, I celebrated the Liturgy and delivered the sermon boldly, strongly and heartily. May 30 (1905).. Monday before Trinity Week. I thank the Lord, who accepted my deep secret repentance and had mercy on me, and gave me the grace of peace and renewal, truth and holiness. The Lord is near to all who call upon Him in truth. 12 o'clock at night, May 31st. I thank the Lord, who accepted my secret repentance in judgmental and harsh words about the Russian Government, which allowed the Japanese war to occur through its wrong actions; sorrow and oppression left me, and the peace of God reigned in my heart with spaciousness of soul. Glory to Thee, my All-merciful and All-merciful Savior. I sinned before God by being very angry with E.M., who committed a great mistake against me and everyone on the ship: she made herself wait a long time and in vain when she should have been in a hurry. I became very angry. Lord, teach me kindness, quietness, patient waiting and long-suffering. Change my heart with a change of forgiveness, kindness, meekness, gentleness. I expect forgiveness from You; grant me to forgive the culprit myself. Wake up! On the 15th I served in ... the cathedral with grace, with tears; at the Liturgy of the Faithful, the disembodied enemy strongly tore my heart away from the love of God and from the consciousness of my spiritual poverty with an addiction to vanity - to the miter, so as not to smoke it with incense smoke; I got rid of this madness with difficulty only through a secret prayer of repentance. What a stupid heart! What a ridiculous addiction! And how many mitres I have - up to twenty! And I'm already an old man! Who will get them after death? Should I wear them out? Are you chasing tinsel? Is it behind the lovely, disappearing beauty? Behind the bonds or shackles that bind your soul and cool it towards God, and deprive it of communication with Him, as unworthy? The holy Apostle John the Theologian perfectly described all the charm of our flesh and the sinful world: “.. everything in the world, carnal lust, and the lust of desire, and the pride of life, is not from the Father, but is from this world. And the world passes away, and so does its lust: but he who does the will of God abides forever” (1 John 2:16-17). From pride and vanity comes the desire to dress magnificently and beautifully, so despise external splendor; shine secretly, inside – in spirit. May 2. Kill in me, Lord, every carnal sinful desire that defiles me and separates me from You, the Source of life and holiness. Wake up! Lord, my sinful soul aches with corruption. Deliver me from aphids by Your Holy Spirit. I see fruits from many trees and my heart sank: why, I think, are they destroying the forests and laying bare the land, while the rich amass enormous capital and poorly, meagerly pay the work of common people and peasants. In Arkhangelsk, timber merchants prepared mountains of logs and planks for sale to the British. But what does it matter to you that forests are traded and timber merchants are enriched? Don’t you feel sorry that the meadows are mowed, the hay is harvested, the fields are reaped, and the grain is put into the granaries? Don’t you feel sorry that the radiant sun shines and illuminates and revives the whole earth? Man's thoughts are above, not on earth. Oh, how cunning is the incorporeal enemy, who wounds the heart with an addiction to the corruptible things of the visible world - the heart, which should be the church of God. One day I was left without God’s service and felt in myself the impoverishment of spiritual life, the impoverishment of grace, the presence of sinful power, and a considerable struggle was needed against sinful intensifying attractions. The Service and Communion of the Holy Mysteries renewed my being, and I arose as if from a dream. God bless! “...Unless you have eaten the flesh of the Son of Man, nor have you drunk His blood, you have not life within you” (John 6:53). The word of my Lord and God is true. Morning of June 19th. Restless dreams troubled me throughout the night. The heart is restless, cold, filled with devilish confusion and depressed by tightness. Is it because I ate small cod and thus broke my fast, and had not yet prayed fervently for the night: secretly, without bowing, I performed the rule before communion. Lord, have mercy. Yesterday (June 18), on a fast day, I allowed myself, contrary to church regulations, under the pretext of physical weakness, to feast on humble food and eat more fresh cod than I needed, and thereby gave great indulgence to my flesh. And she punished me by the fact that I slept badly all night, with heavy dreams, with coldness and sorrow of heart, with an obvious abandonment of the grace of God, with abnormal digestion, with weakness throughout my body, with quietness in pronouncing words during worship in a rural church (there were a lot of people). But the communion of the Holy Mysteries revived and consoled me. God bless! Caution is needed in everything after a former illness and in old age. June 22. Ekaterinburg. On the night of this date, while traveling along the railway, the enemy of the human race and mine presented amazing hellish phantasmagoria to my spiritual gaze (During the fast, I see everywhere on the streets many people dressed up in the most bizarre masks and costumes, prowling the streets with wild laughter, or (I see) as if I had come to serve in the Kazan Cathedral, I ask the priest to serve with him, I want to put on a sacristan, but my hands don’t fit into the sleeves - the sleeves sewn up and not letting my hands through, but there was no other sacristan, (I) was forced (to wait) and did not wait, and mass was celebrated without me: it’s annoying and insulting!). So, the enemy inflicts all sorts of ridicule on me in my dreams; There were many other ghosts, but I don’t remember. July 22. He served the Liturgy in Yekaterinburg, in the convent of Mary Magdalene, with ten priests and five deacons. The Lord gave abundant tears of tenderness. During the communion of the Holy Mysteries, the disembodied enemy stopped me for a minute, resisting the Truth of God through the weakness of my heart, but grace, with my effort, dispelled the enemy’s mirage, and I calmed down, was renewed, rejoiced, and delivered a short sermon on the topic “In the house of My Father are many abodes.” He said it meaningfully and smoothly in the presence of His Eminence Vladimir. He is a man of God: intelligent, observant, firm in truth, modest, meek, handsome. Lord, grant me the grace not to cling to the things of this world (lost my comb). The leader of our army, A. N. Kuropatkin, left all the icons presented to him in captivity of the pagan Japanese, while he seized all worldly things. What is the attitude towards faith and church shrines! For this reason, the Lord does not bless our weapons and our enemies defeat us. For this reason we became the laughing stock of all our enemies. I sinned before You, Lord, who searches hearts and wombs, I envied the author of the essay “The Beginning and the End of the Visible World,” that he, a secular man, was more knowledgeable in theology than I, an academician and a priest, and composed his work wisely, thoughtfully, simply! July 26. For five days (20–24) I was away from the ship “St. Nikolay,” (following) the railway from Kotlas to Yekaterinburg. I thank the Lord for the whole journey and for everything that I experienced in the city of Yekaterinburg, for all the love of the population for me, for all the warm affection that I saw for three days. At the end of the return journey, the Lord quickly and powerfully delivered me from the secret temptation regarding the memory of the evil attitude towards me (ten years ago) of the bishop, now Archbishop A., in the world Alexei 17 (?), who was a student at the St. Petersburg Academy in 1851-1852 and 53. I sincerely condemned myself in hostility and asked the Lord to change my feelings towards him to friendly and benevolent ones, which the Lord gave. Another similar feeling of hostility and suspicion was towards the head of the Sura convent, nun Porfiria, and for repentance the Lord changed my hostile feelings towards her into friendly, gracious and benevolent ones, and I calmed down. (Morning, 2 am). . My flaw. Testing me by the holy Guardian Angel. I slept during the day on the steamer "St. Nikolai" at four o'clock. Dream. It’s like I’m at school, in the Seminary, as a student, along with the boys, whom the teacher asks for a lesson; the teacher seems to be Mikhail Ivanovich Sibiryakov or Mikhail P. Deploransky. I am faulty and I am afraid that I will be called to account; and I think it won’t, but then I think, well, it will! It's awkward, it's causing. I’m embarrassed and think: what will he ask? Suddenly he asks me to serve a memorial service. I ask: “Who should I pray for?” He answers: “For John Tsvetkov,” and he (a fellow Academy member and priest) archpriest was in Kronstadt. But due to demonic embarrassment, I do not know how to firmly pray for the dead. I pray and timidly, the devil confuses me and takes words from my heart, somehow I uttered a litany and even a prayer: “God of spirits and all flesh...” I finished, I saw how the examiner liked my litany. I see that I am not entirely satisfied, and I am not satisfied. And how can it be, when the damned one confuses and steals words, and I cannot cope with him and with myself. Woke up. But in fact, we need to pray for Father Tsvetkov and Mikhail Deploransky. Tsvetkov lived poorly, drank beer and did something else. Forgive him, Lord! June 28 (1905).. Tuesday. He served the Liturgy together with Father Theophan without a deacon; he was in place of the deacon and for the second priest. I read the canons: touching, repentant, to the Forerunner and the unmercenary Cyrus and John. I thank the Lord for the gift of the Liturgy and for the communion of the Holy Mysteries; He also gave communion to the employees on the ship. Lord, I also strongly gravitate towards the land, I am also jealous of the Arkhangelsk timber merchants, who are crafty and quickly enrich themselves at the expense of the poor Russian people, mainly Germans, Jews and partly Russians (Nikolai Osipovich Shavrin). The latter is especially rich: he has forgotten God, the Church, and the poor. Judge them, O Righteous God! Lord, I thank You for everything, including weaknesses and illnesses. I thank You that they are bearable and tolerable. June 9, 1907 Until now I have not yet learned to hate sin, I still sympathize with sin in myself or in others, although I will soon come to my senses and condemn myself and recognize the absurdity and opposition of its commandment of God and my true good. I am a damned man, who will deliver me from this body of death? The disembodied enemy, nesting inside us, in our hearts, constantly tries to ridicule, mentally desecrate the natural necessary members created by the Creator for natural functions, and even holy faces and objects worthy of all respect, and it is impossible to describe what stories he makes over them in dreams, what chimeras he builds. I remember the demonic boasts of Ignatius Brianchaninov: “Our time, our years.” Yes, your time and the region of darkness! (Mark 7:21–22). Both in reality and in dreams, the enemy flatters and fights souls and my soul with countless sinful dreams. God! Help me overcome it. In the Future Life such sins will not come to mind and their memory will perish, but then there will be only truth and holiness, peace and endless bliss. June 13. Every hour and minute I must pay attention to myself so as not to give free rein to the wild donkey - my old man - to fulfill his donkey’s destructive will and expose me to the countless dangers of sin and violate the righteous and blessed will of my God. I curse this worldly, incomparable carnal passion and want with all my heart to hate it and not dream about it, and to revere the law of childbearing and the gates of life, which I entered by the grace of God. Lord, I curse everything voluptuous, senseless and destructive and I don’t want to fulfill it. But I am a sinner before the Lord, making a concession to the flesh, for which I reproach myself. An old, senseless, passionate person is tempted by everything and is embarrassed by everything, even by all holy things he is tempted by his own body. How one must constantly despise one’s old man, not follow him, crucify him, in the apt expression of the church song: “...and you taught to despise the flesh, for it passes away.” (troparion to the venerable one). God! Forgive me my voluptuousness: I regretted the honey prepared for me to drink, which I drank on the journey with me. June 24, 1907 June 25. What misfortunes and ridicule the enemy exposes me to in my sleep, what strange, absurd dreams he inspires - it is impossible to express! Damn villain! But the reasons for such enemy dreams are in me, multi-passionate. Have mercy on me, O God, according to Your great mercy. June 27, 1907 Well, he’s an enemy of the human race. He is cunning at making up inventions and daydreaming during my sleep! Either with popes and cardinals he introduces me into friendly communication, certainly kind, ingratiating - on my part and theirs, then with royal officials of various ranks and on a date with the king, as if demanding material sacrifices from me, and I sacrifice sparingly, reluctantly, referring to my monasteries, which require material benefits. Lord, place my heart in the memory of the former Metropolitan Isidore, who always received me sternly and proudly, and yet did not deprive me of earthly rewards and vain glory - crosses and orders. June 23, 1907 When will there be an end to my multi-passionate, senseless, lustful flesh, accustomed from my youth to every sin? When will I curse and completely despise her, accursed, ungodly, deceitful, flattering, destructive? After all, she, the accursed one, distracts me from the love of God and forces me not to care about the immortal soul, which is created in the image of God. What nonsense! What madness! What skills! Lord, have mercy! Should I be jealous, enriched by God with all the gifts of Heaven and earth, a daily communicant of the Divine Mysteries, who has Eternal Life in the promise, who created monasteries for the glory of God, a magnificent church in his homeland, a parochial school, who received as an inheritance for the monasteries a lot of land with forest and all sorts of lands, who has a monastic compound in the city of Arkhangelsk, who received from God good fame and great Everywhere the affection of ordinary Russian believers towards me, who has wealth, all food and clothing, both sacred and secular? The main thing is that I possess an Inexhaustible Source - God, Who gave Himself to me as an inalienable inheritance. So, Lord, have mercy on me, Your servant! And do not let me be jealous of those who are evil and do iniquity, for like grass they will soon dry up and, like a herb, they will soon fall away. May I look to Heaven and the blessings prepared for me. Lord, turn away my eyes from seeing vanity! Lord, I thank You, for You have changed my soul with a grace-filled change, giving me peace and space of heart with the righteousness of my spirit. 29th. Morning . Every night evil demons feed me with contempt and ridicule. Under the guise of teachers of secondary and higher educational institutions, the director and the college of teachers, they laughed at my books, beautiful, spiritual, which I asked to give a place in the library. Cleverly. And then, when I left them in disgrace, one of them joked, saying that he had written down my words. I believed and thanked for the honor. All this seems to be real. I sinned: in the evening I drank tea one more time and ate loose sugar buns. There was no need. I am a slave of the womb and a slave of the multi-passionate flesh! How long will you remain in the bonds of corruption? How long will you not ascend to incorruptibility, to Heaven, to the eternal, imperishable? Meanwhile, you receive Holy Communion almost daily! In the city of Kirillov we stopped at the Leushinskoye courtyard to Abbess Taisiya for ten minutes, and from there to the estate of the merchant Kirillovsky Grigory Aleksandrovich Valkov and his wife Elena Alekseevna; Having treated ourselves to dinner, we went from there to the Ferapont monastery, where I will spend the night and serve the Liturgy tomorrow. Upon entering Valkov’s estate, envy arose in my old man of the cheaply purchased estate and Valkov’s well-being. My heart sank and lost its grace. I then secretly repented to the Lord with all my soul, and the Lord had mercy on me, forgave me, took away sin, pacified my soul, and gave it space and boldness. Glory to the Lord, quick to obey and gracious! July 19, 7 a.m. morning In a night dream, the enemy mocks and treacherously deceives me in every way. I need to pray harder at night and ask the Lord to send me a holy angel so that he will surround me with holy views and holy, pure, edifying dreams. You need constant attention to yourself and keeping your mind and heart away from vain thoughts and sinful, worldly and passionate feelings, and filling your soul with holy thoughts and feelings, pure, divine images. The tree is true, the tree is pure, the tree is most pure, the tree is worthy of praise, the tree is most beloved... Think about this, and the God of love and peace will be with you... July 2. Position of the robe and honorable belt of the Blessed Virgin Mary. He served in the city of Cherepovets in the Leushinskaya church. At Matins I read the canons (two) with enthusiasm; He served the Liturgy reverently. The enemy intensified to occupy the soul with worldly addictions, but through grace, called upon in secret, he prevailed. He served with emotion and tears, and received life-giving communion. There are many infant communicants, not very many lay people, about forty people. In the end, he became momentarily irritated by the inability of the mothers—peasant and bourgeois women—to bring up the children and by the stubbornness of the babies. The grace of the world has left me; Hellfire entered, confusion, sorrow and oppression took possession of me. I immediately condemned myself, called on the immeasurable Goodness of God to have mercy on me and change my heart for the good. The Lord accepted the prayer and had mercy. Thank the Lord! July 3, 1905 Sunday. He celebrated the Liturgy in the Leushinsky Cathedral in the co-service of Father Archimandrite Ignatius (vicar of the Patriarch of Antioch), local priests Claudius and Nicholas and two deacons Alexander and John. I read in advance: the canons of the Holy Trinity, the Sunday, the Cross and the Theotokos, the Sunday and sedal antiphons, the stichera on the praises, the stichera on the saints, the martyr Jacinthos and the canon of St. Philip with the stichera on the praises. He celebrated Mass with grace and tenderness; He overcame the temptations of the evil enemy at Matins and the Liturgy by the grace of Christ; spoke a word about a believing centurion who asked the Lord to heal his servant; spoke about the power of faith, about the unbelievers of our Russians, about the expulsion of the unfaithful sons of the Kingdom, or the Church, about the unbelieving intelligentsia, about Tolstoy and his followers, about the corruption of Russian morals, about unbelief and falling away from God's Church, worship and (about) unbelief in the Gospel. While giving communion to the people, he sinned with partiality, hostility and pickiness towards the women who had recently arrived in Leushino, doing nothing but just prowling around the world with an untrustworthy, unseemly appearance. I sinned and deeply repented of this guilt and prayed strongly to the Lord to forgive me these sins and change my heart with a kind change, change it to love, fearlessness, kindness, impartiality - and the Lord performed in me the miracle of the resurrection of my soul from the dead, for it was killed by the sinful feeling of malice and partiality. I thank the Lord, the All-Bountiful Giver of Life. July 4 (1905).. Monday. I thank the Lord for Matins and the Liturgy, for its peaceful and heartfelt service, for the non-judgmental communion of the Holy Mysteries and deliverance from the sorrow and distress that befell me for showing partiality to the Kronstadt pilgrims who came to the Communion of the Holy Mysteries without permission. Lord, cleanse my soul from all filthiness of flesh and spirit. Amen. Lord, grant me to have You alone in my heart. You are the Source of all blessings. You are the Source of life, light, peace, joy, strength! The more you keep yourself in bed in the morning or during the day, the colder your heart becomes towards God and prayer, towards spiritual life; the same thing happens when a person eats and drinks with pleasure that is more than proper. The flesh must always be kept in check, in obedience to the spirit. God! Preserve our steam ship through the intercession of St. Nicholas - the Saint, whose name it bears on itself, throughout its voyage and in all waters. Amen. Wake up! Grant me to keep all Your commandments. July 6th, 1 p.m. Today, at the great entrance during the Liturgy, he was subjected to a strong attack from evil spirits because of the St. Petersburg woman Natalia, who was standing in an inappropriate place: for a moment he became embittered towards her, and through this he was exposed to the influence of the evil one, lost peace of mind, space, boldness, was embarrassed and subjected to cramped conditions and fire, and only through diligent secret repentance did he regain the mercy of God and the infusion of grace into my heart. Science - do not be offended by anyone, do not despise anyone, always love everyone in Christ. 8 o'clock evenings We boarded the ship "Vladimir." I thank the Lord, who quickly answered my secret prayer of repentance in my grief over the hostility of Hieromonk V. and Priest Z., who slandered me in the newspaper “St. Petersburg Listok.” I prayed for them. Correct, Lord, my faulty heart and grant me unfeigned love that never falls away; give me the strength not to neglect a single person, not to despise anyone, not to have hostility towards anyone, not towards those loitering and wandering after me from end to end, such as some women and men who consider me to be someone great and pursue me on ships. Teach to respect everyone, not to offend anyone with hostility, enmity, or any feelings. On the 12th (July 1905), Tuesday, he served Matins and Liturgy in the home church of Yakov Mikhailovich Pozdeev, read the canons to the martyrs Proclus and Hilary and the Monk Mikhail Malein. I celebrated mass with tenderness, but at Cherubimskaya the enemy almost deposed me, embarrassing me with severe displeasure at the singers - the nuns of the Leushinsky monastery, who sang the Lvov adaptation of “Izhe Cherubim,” which I really did not like. I repented secretly and begged the Lord to have mercy and pacify me, a sinner, wayward, capricious. The Lord forgave and pacified. He spoke the word about wheat and tares freely, clearly, convincingly. At the end, he spoke about the condescension of the Lord, who gave us His Most Pure Body in the guise of wheat bread and His Blood in the guise and taste of red grape wine. Following the Mologa River on the steamer "Vladimir" and on horseback to Ustyuzhna, I was struck by a pleasant surprise and touched to the point of tenderness by the ardent faith of citizens and ordinary people of both sexes of all ages towards me, a sinner, who asked for my blessing. This sight was especially touching during my return journey on horseback late in the evening, (almost) at night. On this late return I was met by adults and children, boys and especially girls and maidens, who had been waiting for me from morning until night. What ardent faith! What tears! What trust in me is childlike, ardent! I wanted to cry myself. The girls asked me to pray to God for them to study well and successfully. Help them, Lord! It was You who placed their hearts, childish, simple, towards me, the unworthy! July 14 (1905).. Thursday. In the morning, at half past nine, he arrived in St. Petersburg at the Ivanovo convent and served (there) the Liturgy, preceded by the reading of stichera and canons from the Menaion, and partly from the Octoechos. He gave communion to all the nuns. Renewed in spirit and body. Some wandering girls and thin women are chasing me from city to city. They, I heard, recognize me as Christ, and I sometimes did not allow them to approach the Holy Chalice of the Body and Blood of Christ. We need to try them. They do nothing and just move from place to place: where I am, there they are. Lord, enlighten them and save them! Temptation when traveling in a carriage on the Tsarsky steamship. Beggars were chasing the carriage. He gave fifty kopecks to others, and twenty kopecks twice to one boy. He neglected them, left them on the road and, wanting to get a ruble, chased me for a long time; I got angry and shouted: “Go away.” And my heart was deprived of space, peace and grace; I felt sad and heartbroken. I began to repent to God and pray for forgiveness of my sins of bitterness, addiction to money and hard-heartedness towards the poor. He repented fervently, and the Lord finally forgave and gave peace and boldness. My sin, for which I repented. When the novices of the monastery and lay people approached the communion of the Holy Mysteries, between the latter I noticed some poor women and middle-aged girls, living idle, running from city to city, visiting the churches where I serve, and receiving communion without confession or demand. I condemned them in my soul and neglected them. August 7th (1905), evening, Sunday. I thank the Lord, who mercifully heeded my secret prayer of repentance for forgiveness of the sin of hostility towards some adult youths who ran after my carriage in order to force alms (I gave to some earlier). I secretly repented that I had despised the essence of the Law, the main commandment of love, humility and non-covetousness and acted contrary to it; I prayed to the Lord to console my heart with a change of forgiveness, justification, peace, freedom, non-covetousness, simplicity and gentleness. August 27, 10 pm. I thank the Lord, who soon heard my secret prayer of repentance on the ship in the cabin after my grief at Vera Pertsova for offering me Professor Fedorov. What a wonderful transformation the Lord performed inside me, in my heart, in my soul, inflamed with anger! How the passionate fire turned into cool dew with His grace! Oh, how saving is our faith! What a powerful all-revealing key to the heart of God, to the treasury of His grace and bounties of all kinds! What a connection between man and God! Thank You, Lord, Savior of sinners! Save everyone like me, a great sinner, You always save in every place. My heart is proud, greedy, greedy, envious, selfish, lazy for prayer and all good things. Lord, take away from me envy of the author of the book “The Beginning and the End of the Visible World” and grant me the grace to rejoice in him and thank You, Lord, Source of reason and wisdom. July 27, 1905 Lord, You have given me everything, filled me with mercy and generosity - and I thank You! Give me Yourself as a property, but I don’t desire anything but You, I don’t seek or want, I don’t thirst, I don’t envy anyone. What do you not have to envy someone - a rich and noble person? You have everything by the grace of God: health, wealth, good glory, and, what is most precious, a living and contemplative faith, active, sanctifying, strengthening the soul and body, cleansing sins, uniting with God, giving firm hope in God. And you envy the rich man who is successful in his affairs, who is selfish, unmerciful, hard-hearted, who collects for himself, and not who grows rich for God! Repent, condemn, expose yourself and henceforth do not be mad, but reasonable. Consider everything earthly as rubbish. How miraculously the Holy Mysteries - the Body and Blood of Christ - change for the better, renewing and strengthening my soul and body! I am amazed at the Goodness and Mercy of God, and the Wisdom of God, the Omnipotence of God and the Truth of God, the condescension and View of God. Glory to Thee, Lord, glory to Thee! June 2 (1905), Thursday. “...Just say the word, and my servant will recover.” (Matthew 8:8). What a simple and firm faith of the centurion! The Lord Himself praised her. Lord, command me to tell You: “If there is not enough water in the Pinega River, then You just say the word, and it will be filled with water, and my ship, the steamer “Nikolai” will freely pass along it to my homeland, Sura, and back. Amen." “...Young man! I'm telling you, get up! The dead man got up, sat down and began to speak; and Jesus gave him to his mother” (Luke 7:14–15). What power of God! One word of command, and mortal stupor ceases, and the returning soul again revives the dead body. Wonderful are Your works, O Lord! Lord, You also raised me, almost dead in my serious illness, and gave me life again. Thank You, All-Merciful! In immeasurable abundance, compared to all the rich people of this world, the mercy of God has endowed me with spiritual and material blessings. She clothed me with the rank of priesthood, unceasing deification, the power to open and close Heaven for people and all sorts of earthly blessings. By the grace of God, I constantly feel the power and life-giving power of repentance. Without number, I have offered the Lord my God the forgiveness of countless sins all the days of my life for seventy years now, not counting the sins of children up to the age of seven due to their irresponsibility. November 15, 1904 Monday. Today I raised a secret prayer to the Lord of Heaven and earth to grant us a large plot of land near my Padansky monastery for eternal possession, as necessary for the monastery in many respects. He offered the same prayer to the Lady Theotokos, as the ruler of all creatures, as the Mother of the Creator. I hope and have no doubt. Amen. I prayed to the Lord in the simplicity of faith to send rain and abundant water in the Pinega River for an unhindered journey to Sura and back, and I trust in the usual hasty obedience of the Lord that He will provide sufficient water. Half past 12 at night. I prayed about it at 10 o'clock. evenings. I thank the Lord, who lifted us off the shoal with the joint efforts of the team, wandering in the water and using banners to move the steamer from its place. They fought for half an hour, and during this time I prayed to the Lord. Glory to Thee, Lord! God delivered me from anger and irritation with the commander, I thank the Lord for this! A letter from Father John to his spiritual son Philip Pavlovich Ivanov, written on the way. 18 My heartfelt greetings and blessings from the Lord for your living faith, piety and commitment to the church of God and communion of the Holy Mysteries of Christ. I inform you about my journey to my homeland. We've already been on the road for eleven days and still haven't reached our homeland! Only in two days I will be there, by God's grace. This, however, does not mean that my path is unsuccessful; no, he is quite successful and at peace, but the fact is that the path is very, very long, and I am not in a hurry, but stay in other places for three days or one day at a time, at the request of my good friends, and serve the liturgy. Throughout our journey it was cold and there were rains, which is why the water in the rivers rose high everywhere - and this is to our well-being. We hope to go by steamer to the very homeland of my Sura. Did your father Pavel Ivanovich take over the contract and do you work together? Work for the glory of God and for the well-being and contentment of your family. I pray for you and especially remember your zeal for me. I thank the Lord, who consoles me through you, good people. I bow to your mother and send her a blessing with her children. Ekaterina and Semyon and the others are all healthy and bow to you earnestly. We will be back home, God willing, on June 3rd. See you soon. May God bless Russia, St. Petersburg, your Okhta and all towns and villages. Your prayer book is Archpriest John Sergiev. May 31, 1904 Steamship "St. Nicholas the Wonderworker." God! Infinitely, immeasurably, I lend You for every breath of air You poured out for our existence, every sip of drink and every crust of bread, every tree and bush fruit or other endless fruits of the earth, every good, pure, holy thought, elevating from earth to Heaven, every good feeling, every good deed, and for everything, for everything I thank You, indecent slave Yours! An example of self-reproach. – Note. auto This servant of God Ivanov later labored in the Sarov desert. – Note. auto You might be interested in: