Lament of a Penitent Sinner

Penitential prayer reflections for each day of the week Contents Preface Reflection first Reflection second Reflection third Reflection fourth Reflection fifth Reflection sixth Reflection seventh Reflection eight The prayerful reflections offered to the attention of pious readers, translated into modern language, are borrowed from the book of the Athonite monk Fikara “The Spiritual Vertograd.” This book was translated into Church Slavonic by the famous zealot of Orthodoxy in western Russia, Archimandrite of the Holy Spiritual Monastery of Vilna Leonty Karpovich and published in Vilna in 1620. These reflections are mainly excerpts from the inspired works of St. Ephraim the Syrian, who has rightly received the preferred title of preacher of repentance; but these excerpts, very well chosen, are not always given literally; in some places they are supplemented by the own reflections of the pious saint Fikara and, on the whole, produce that quiet, but at the same time deep, soul-touching impression that only the patristic works are distinguished by. This is truly the cry of a repentant soul, pouring out its sorrow before the infinite mercy of the Lord. In Vertograd Soulful they are arranged according to the days of the week: crying on Monday evening, crying on Tuesday evening, etc., with two reflections on Saturday. It is clear that they were appointed by the author in order to prepare and dispose the soul to that repentant deepening into oneself, with which holy ascetics usually ended each day and which served for them as a test of their conscience for the past day. We left the same section with the thought that the pious reader may himself wish to imitate the holy example of the monk Fikara and will read these prayerful reflections one for each day, going to sleep and surrendering himself into the hands of God’s mercy. Thought One (Monday) Accept prayer from profane and wicked lips, O Lord of all, Lover of mankind, Jesus Christ! Do not disdain me as unworthy, as unreasonable, as like foolish beasts - do not deprive Your consolation of my poor soul, which with its deeds has approached hell! Seek me, the lost sheep: I have neither the zeal nor the ability to correct myself; I blinded myself with carnal pleasures, and now my soul is darkened, my heart is petrified from the intoxication of passions... Before You, Lord, Savior of the world, I confess all my grief, my wickedness, my bestial foolishness and all Your bounty, all the consolation, all that You, O Lover of Mankind, have done to me in Your goodness! From a very early age I already insulted You, did not care about virtue, indulged in every evil, participated in every sin. But You, O my Master, You did not look at my sinfulness, according to Your ineffable generosity!.. Son of God! I boldly lift up my head, which is drooping, trusting in Your grace, but then I lower it again, remembering my sins; Your grace draws me to life, but I swiftly run towards death, for my weakness, my evil custom draws me there against my desire... Yes, a passionate habit is evil; he binds my thought with insoluble bonds, and these bonds always turn out to be pleasant to me; With an evil skill, like a net, I, the accursed one, entangle myself and - I rejoice, being bound; I plunge into a bitter whirlpool and enjoy it; Every hour the enemy renews my bonds, and thus I rejoice... Oh, how great is the cunning of the enemy! He does not bind me with ties that I do not want, but always brings for me such ties and networks that I myself accept from him with great pleasure; he knows that my sinful will is stronger than me, and brings me such bonds as I myself wish. This is what I would cry and weep about! This is my shame and reproach. I am shackled by my own lusts, I could break these shackles in an instant and free myself from all nets, but I don’t want to; I was overcome by my weakness, I was enslaved by passionate skills... And this is what is especially disastrous for me, this is what I should cry about, covering myself with shame: I act in concert with my enemy; he knits me, and I kill myself with passions that bring him joy; I could break his chains, but I don’t want to; I could escape his networks, but I don’t want to. Is there anything more sad than this, more worthy of tears and sobs? Could there be anything more shameful? No! I am sure that there can be no greater shame than fulfilling the desires of your enemy. So, in my wretchedness, I do not want to know my bonds, I carefully cover them every minute from prying eyes with an outward appearance of reverence, but my conscience, despite this, denounces me, always denounces me: why (she says) are you not sober, wretched one? Or don’t you know that the terrible Day of Judgment is already at your door? Rise up and strengthen yourself, break your bonds: there is still a power for you that can bind and loosen you! This is how my holy conscience always denounces me; but I myself do not want to part with my nets and fetters; Every day I cry and sob about it, but I remain bound by the same passions... O cursed and passionate one! I am not at all concerned about good success in my life, I am not at all afraid of death, entangled in nets. My appearance takes on the appearance of reverence in the presence of others, but my soul remains fettered by obscene thoughts; In appearance, I carefully try to appear reverent, but in my soul, I am vile in the eyes of God: I hypocritically sweeten my speech when I speak to people, but I myself am filled with grief and evil will... What should I do on the day of God’s Judgment, when God will reveal all the secrets at the Last Judgment? Great fear often fetters my sinful heart: I feel that I am tied in the chains of my countless iniquities; I know that eternal torment awaits me there if I don’t beg my Judge with tears here... That’s why I fall at Your feet, Master! Do not withhold Your bounties in Your anger, O Lord! You Yourself are waiting for my appeal. You do not want to see anyone in unquenchable fire, for You want all people to be saved into eternal life; Bold by Your love for mankind, I beg You, Jesus Christ, Son of God, look upon me and have mercy on me! Bring my soul out of the prison of iniquities, so that Your bright ray will shine in my thoughts - before I go to the future Last Judgment, when repentance for sins will no longer be possible... Fear grips me, accursed and much-weak, or better to say - a wicked one: how will I go there, unprepared and completely naked of all virtue! Fear and trembling bind me when I see how lazy I am towards good, how I am overwhelmed by sinful thoughts, when I see that I am obeying demons who are seducing me with sweets to my destruction... I have become like a lazy and careless merchant, who is losing his capital and interest every day; so I, passionate, deprive myself of heavenly blessings among many temptations that attract me to evil... I myself feel how enemies rob me hourly, and, contrary to my desire, I am drawn into shameful thoughts that I hate... I am horrified at the thought of my evil will, at the thought of the things in which it sins recklessly, I am terrified when I think about my daily repentance, which does not have a solid foundation - in abstinence, for the enemy of my soul does not allow this: every day I lay the foundation, and again with my own hands I destroy my labors 1 No, my good repentance has not yet made a good beginning, the end of my repentance is not yet visible evil negligence! I still work for the desires of my enemy, diligently fulfilling everything he wants... Oh, who will give my head inexhaustible water and my eyes a source of tears? Let these tears flow like a stream, and I would always cry before the All-Bountiful God, so that He would send His grace to snatch the sinner from the depths of the sea, which every hour carries away my prodigal soul in the stormy waves of sin! My evil desires intensified, they became incurable ulcers... This harlot suddenly became chaste, overwhelmed by the fear of God’s Judgment; she hated the nasty sin, remembering future eternal condemnation and unbearable torment. And I, unfortunate one, praying daily against sinful passions, do not turn away from them, but still remain in my evil custom and hope to repent later... And with the vain promise of such repentance I always deceive myself: I always say that I repent, but in reality I never repent; in words I only repent with diligence, but in reality I am far from repenting; and if at the same time my life flows happily, then I completely forget the frailty of my nature, I forget that I am sinning consciously, and I plunge even more into the abyss of sin... Esau did not find room for repentance, because he committed a sin with impudent intention, and not sinned out of passion: he was not ashamed of God, and he upset his parents not out of error, but deliberately, and despite the fact that his parents instructed him in all good things (Gen. 25:31–34). Judas the traitor also did not find room for repentance, because he sinned while being with the Lord Himself, and he knew what he was doing, for he also had experience of the grace of God... (Matthew 26) So, what can I, the accursed one, expect from my sins, which I have consciously committed? And if only one who has thought evil is already likened to one who has committed a sin, then how will I give an account of the countless number of my falls into sin? Ham, who only thought about disgracing his father, was rejected (Gen. 9:20–27); like-minded people of Korah, who had not yet done anything bad, were swallowed up by the earth (Num. 16); the warriors sent to take the prophet Elijah also perished by heavenly fire (2 Kings 1:9-12); Saul, having barely formed the mind for idolatry, was already rejected (1 Sam. 15); Ahithophel, who did not do, but only gave advice for evil, died in his sin (2 Sam. 17); The offense of the sons of Aaron was not great, according to our human judgment, but they paid for it with death (Lev. 10:1-2); finally, Sapphira, who neglected repentance, did not find time for repentance (Acts 5:1-11). I consider my deeds and listen to my will, I wait for the decision of God’s truth and in advance I recognize my condemnation as righteous. Why am I needlessly flattered by my impeccable appearance? After all, I am alien to any real virtue and always do the opposite in the eyes of the All-Seeing God Himself? The Pharisees are justly condemned, denounced by the Savior Himself, who calls their appearance full of hypocrisy and deceit. And the same thing often happens to me: I am dissatisfied when my conscience denounces me; its denunciations seem cruel to me. Yes, the truth is bitter for those who try to hide from it. So, I will throw away my plausible appearance - and my worms will be visible, I will take off my painted mask - and people will see the decaying corpse in the tomb, they will know the value of our deeds - and they will see the likeness of the Pharisees... And if anything is hidden here from the eyes of men, then everything will be tempted 3 by fire at the Judgment, according to the word of the Apostle. Give me a helping hand, Lord, give me a hand to the one lying on the ground! I would like to get up, but I cannot: the burden of sin presses me, an evil habit holds me back... I see that I am in the midst of darkness, in the midst of impenetrable darkness: I stretch out my hand and - as if broken by paralysis - at the same time I am complacent and sad; I pray for liberation and become discouraged from fasting; I have a good will, but for some reason I keep stumbling; I love to endure long church services, but I do not care about pleasing God. How dare I ask for the remission of my former sins, without leaving my former way of life? How can I put off the old man who is corrupting, without first putting aside the lusts that seduce me? Alas for me! How can I bear the exposure of my lawless deeds and thoughts? “Have mercy on me, O God, according to Your great mercy, and according to the multitude of Your compassions...” (Ps. 50:3) - unworthy lips cry out to You, Master, an unclean heart, a soul that has defiled itself with sins! Hear me for the sake of Your goodness, do not reject my prayer, for You do not reject the prayers of the truly repentant... But my repentance is impure, impermanent: I repent for an hour, and then spend whole days angering You... Strengthen my heart with Your fear, establish my soul on the stone of repentance, so that Your goodness will overcome the malice that exists in me; May the light of Your grace overcome the darkness within me. Bow down to my prayer, Most Blessed Lord, not for the sake of my truth - for there is nothing good in me, but for the sake of Your generosity, for the sake of Your many and ineffable goodness! Strengthen my members, weakened by sin, enlighten my heart, darkened by evil lust... Do not allow me to engage in sinful acts, so that the adversary does not overthrow me completely. “Do not cast me away from Your presence...” (Ps. 50:13), lest I hear from You: “Amen I say to you - I do not know you!” (Matthew 25:12). Save, Lord, the grieving soul from death, You who have the power of life and death! You Yourself said: ask, and it will be given to you. Cleanse me, O Lord, from all sin before the end, grant me, O Lover of Mankind, throughout the rest of my short life to shed tears from my heart to cleanse the defilements of my soul, so that I may be able to pay at least a little here for the numerous manuscripts of my sins, and there to be saved under the protection of Your all-powerful right hand, when every soul trembles at Your terrible glory. Hey, Lord Lord! Only Begotten Son of God! Hear and accept the prayer of Your sinful and unworthy servant: I am a sinner more than any man, save me - freely, freely, by Your grace alone! For You are a merciful and man-loving God, and we send up glory and thanksgiving and worship to You, together with Your Originless Father, and Your Most Holy and Good and Life-giving Spirit, now and ever, and unto the ages of ages. Amen. Reflection Two (Tuesday) Alas for me! What a shameful state I am in! In what shame shall I fall! My interior does not at all correspond to my beautiful appearance; I talk about dispassion, but my mind is occupied day and night with passionate thoughts; I am talking about purity, but I myself am thinking about lewdness... Woe is me, woe is me!.. What kind of torture awaits me at the Judgment? Yes, truly, to say: I only covered myself with the outer image of piety, but I don’t even think about its inner strength... With what face do I dare to approach the Lord God, who knows all the secrets of my heart, being guilty of so much evil? Standing in prayer, I fear and tremble, lest fire come down from heaven and burn me, as it once burned those who brought strange fire in the desert: “and fire came out from the Lord, and I was devoured” (Lev. 10:2). What should I expect, burdened with the immeasurable weight of my sins?.. My heart turned to stone, my good intentions were perverted, my conscience was darkened, I became like a dog returning to its vomit. I no longer have boldness towards the One who searches the heart and womb, I don’t have even one pure thought, I don’t have a single tear at the hour of prayer... Even if I sigh from the depths of my soul, my face remains dry, covered with sinful shame; If I hit myself in the chest - they are the dwelling place of passions, the working church of evil thoughts... Glory to Thee, the Only Long-suffering One; glory to You, the Only Good One; glory to You, Benefactor of our souls and bodies. Oh, how great are Your mercies for us sinners, Lord!.. Do not reject me with those who only cry out to You with their lips: Lord, Lord! - but they do not do Your will; do not reject me for the sake of the prayers of our Most Holy Lady Theotokos, for the sake of the prayers of all those who have pleased you!.. You know, Lord, all the passions that are hidden in me, You know all the ulcers of my soul: “heal me, Lord, and I will be healed” (Jer. 17:14). For if You do not build a spiritual house, then those who build it will labor in vain! Come, when I am preparing myself for a battle with my passions, but as soon as they approach me, the evil cunning of my enemy, the serpent, weakens my spiritual strength with voluptuousness, and although no one then forces me, yet I am carried away by the passions as their captive... I want to save the one engulfed in flames, but the very smell of fire draws my youth into the same sinful fire; I rush to save a drowning man, but due to inexperience I myself drown with him; I give advice of abstinence to the sick, but I myself remain blind; I want to be a doctor of passionate ailments, and, being passionate myself, I am a prisoner of passions... Enlighten, O Lord, the eyes of my heart, so that I may know the multitude of my passions. May the cover of Your grace spread over me, Master! May she enlighten my darkened mind, may she instill in my foolishness the Divine understanding, “for with God every word fails” (Luke 1:37). You, Lord, once made the impassable sea passable for your people; You also brought out water for them from the strong rock when they were thirsty; You alone, by Your goodness, saved a man who fell among the robbers (Luke 10:30). Have mercy on me too, O Lord, for the sake of Your great goodness: I have fallen into robbery, and I am bound by the bonds of evil will; there is no one who could heal my spiritual illness except You, Lord, who knows the depths of my heart. How many times have I, the accursed one, set strict rules for myself, created walls between me and lawless sin, the adversaries opposing me, and how many times have my thoughts transgressed these rules and the barriers have fallen apart, for my rules themselves did not have a firm foundation in the fear of God, and these walls were not founded on sincere repentance. Who will not weep for me?.. For the sake of small pleasure I forgot about the unquenchable fire, - and I neglected the eternal Kingdom of God, I, the accursed one, enslaved to passions the high dignity of my soul - “I was a scoundrel” and I cannot (I do not dare) look up to the Merciful Lord; I was once adorned with abundant gifts, but now I loved the poverty of passions, became alien to virtues, withdrew like the prodigal son into a distant land of evil, and here I am - barely alive, barely having a small remainder of life... Mourn, reverend and righteous, for me, conceived in sins and passions; mourn, ascetics of abstinence, me, a glutton and a sensualist; mourn, you who have been pardoned by God and have lived in prudence, for me, who have been pardoned and who have again angered God; mourn, you who have loved good and hated evil, for me, who have loved evil and hated good; mourn, those who follow a virtuous life, for me, virtuous in appearance, but passionate and careless in deeds; mourn, God's saints, for me, a man-pleaser; mourn, you who have acquired perfect love for God and neighbor, for me, who in words loves me, but in reality is far from love; mourn, you who have acquired patience and in patience show the fruit of virtues, for me, impatient and fruitless; mourn you, who shamelessly approach God; mourn me, who do not have the courage to look up to the heights of heaven out of shame; Mourn you, who have acquired meekness, for me, who is alien to this virtue; mourn, merciful ones, for me, the hard-hearted; Mourn, O humble ones, for me, arrogant and proud; Mourn you, who manifest apostolic non-covetousness, for me, addicted to earthly things to the point of madness and oppressed by this addiction; mourn, faithful and constant in your heart to the Lord, for me, double-minded, fickle, fearful and indecent; mourn, you who have loved the weeping and you who have hated the laughter, for me, the laughter of you who have loved and the weeping of you who have hated; Mourn, you who always have the judgment coming after death in your mind, me, who claims to remember this, but in oblivion always does the opposite of this; mourn, heirs of the Kingdom of Heaven, for me, the heir of fiery hell! Saints of God! Pray for the soul of the one overcome by the passions - help me as much as you can, for I know that if you pray to God, the lover of mankind, then everything will be forgiven to us, according to the multitude of His goodness, and just as God Himself is a lover of mankind, so you, who are begged by me, a sinner, do not despise the prayers of a sinner, for I myself do not have the courage due to the multitude of my sins - it is up to you, saints of God, to pray for sinners, and God’s work is to have mercy on the desperate. Pray, saints of God, to the King for the captive, pray to the Shepherd for the sheep, pray to Life Itself for the dead, that He may bestow His grace and establish the constancy of my humble soul... I fall before the bounty of Thy goodness, Lord of all: accept the prayer of a sinner, sweeten the soul tormented by the bitterness of sin; Give drink to the thirsty from the source of life and guide me on Your path; lead me into the gates of the Kingdom, as the Lord - Your servant, so that I will be free from slavery to shameful passions, for my heart is entangled in them, like chains of iron... May Your mercies precede me through the prayers of Thy saints, until I am carried away to hell along with those who practice iniquity: then everything that I have done secretly and openly will be revealed!.. Woe to me! What shame will come over me when those who now consider me righteous see me condemned; I, damned one, abandoned spiritual work and became completely enslaved to passions! Woe to you, my soul! Why is your intelligent sun obscured by the darkness of passions? Why is life conquered by death? Why does this darkness not disappear when rays of light appear? Why do we prefer corruption to incorruption? Why, my soul, do we mix ourselves with the earth through serving the passions? We desecrated our richly woven clothes, made them unfit for the royal wedding supper, voluntarily gave ourselves over to sins, enslaved ourselves to the enemy of our life... What will you say to the Judge on that terrible and terrible day? Can you say: “I hungered and thirsted for Your sake,” or: “I loved You with all my soul”? Our Teacher and Lord constantly calls without hesitation: whoever is invested with power, accept the bridle of obedience to the Gospel; whoever is under the yoke of slavery, accept equality before My law; whoever is in poverty, receive unstolen wealth. Why did you love not freedom, but oppression? Why are you waiting for time, and not for a good thought? Why do you choose your evil friend (the devil) and not the desired salvation? Why don’t you contribute to the natural impulses of your soul for good while there is time?! Hurry up, before both your mind and body become completely exhausted, before your goodness passes on to others, while the gift of grace is open to you and is not subject to doubt, and grace touches the very depths of your heart, while you have tears - preachers of death - hasten to courageously resist the passions, with God's help, in the full armor of God, resist Goliath, lest some robber warn you, lest the murderer anticipated your entry, so that the doors of the Kingdom of God would not be closed before you by any of those who are trying to enter it and by force take it by force... Let us be afraid and take every possible precaution, lest we be found liars in our vows; for if God, called as a witness, confirms the promise given to man, then it is all the more dangerous to turn out to be criminals of those vows that we have given to God Himself, and to appear guilty not only of other sins, but also of the lie itself, especially since there is no second birth for us and no return to our previous state. It is useless to pass through the marketplace and then look for what you need to buy; It’s too late to reconcile with your opponent at the end of the road and feel the loss when, at the end of this life, what is lost is already irretrievable, when the fatal doors are closed for each of those who have lived... Like a publican, I sigh, like a prodigal son, I cry out to You, the Humane-loving Christ, the Savior of the world, the true Light! Strengthen my soul, exhausted and weakened by the drunkenness of passions, heal its ulcers, correct the corruption of my mind, wash my soul, blackened by sins, with Your honest blood! Now is the time favorable, now is the day of salvation; according to the multitude of Thy mercy, convert me, O One Lover of Mankind, deliver me from every indulgence in lust, so that the furnace of passion does not completely burn me - extinguish it with the dew of Thy mercy! Woe to me, a sinner! You gave me enlightenment of reason, but I reject it - woe is me! I was constantly exhausted and exhausted, and Your grace always visits me and heals me, but instead of gratitude, every hour I rejected and reject the gift of her healings! And how many gifts You have endowed me, a sinner, Master Lord, and always and now You send them down, and I, the accursed one, still remain consciously ungrateful to You!.. I constantly taste the sweetness of Your grace, I am always enlightened by it, often it supports me, and at the same time I constantly turn away from it and again turn to my former sinful bitterness. You, O All-Good One, remind me of death and eternal torment; You always draw me to life so that I can be saved, but I still remain in my evil dispensation, and therefore I will be irresponsible there!.. I knock on the doors of Your mercy, Lord, may they open for me; I never stop begging so that I may receive what I ask for; I boldly and relentlessly seek pardon. Be patient with me, my Lord; deliver me from the sins that possess me, and, having received the health of my soul, I will rise from the bed of corrupting sin. Free me from every evil addiction before death befalls me, so that I may find grace before You at the hour of death and separation of soul from body, for “in hell, who will confess to You?” (Ps. 6:6). Whiten my robe, defiled by sin, before a terrible command comes to me and finds me unprepared and ashamed. Deliver my soul, crushed from the mouth of the lion, and save it with Your grace and bounty, the prayers of our Most Pure Lady Theotokos and all Your saints, for You are blessed forever and ever. Amen. Meditation Three (Wednesday) Love 4 prompts me to turn to God in prayer, but my unworthiness commands me to remain silent; illnesses force me to speak, and sins put silence on my lips; my soul is sick, and my eyes seek tears. My soul! You have sinned, repent, for behold, our days pass like a shadow; Soon, my soul, you will have to go through terrible places, full of horrors; do not put off your conversion to the Lord from day to day! Think, my soul, think with tenderness of heart, how many blessings you received from God and did not keep them! Think about everything that you have done sinfully in your life, and God has been patient with you, so that you would not be given over to pitch darkness at the Last Judgment of Christ! Alas for me, a sinner!.. I have desecrated and still defile the purity of my heart through my weakness; my negligence, my laziness, the self-will of my heart covered me with shame, and evil lust, like a sovereign master, commands me: and I immediately fulfill his will with fear, like a child; it deceives me, and I rejoice in it... Woe is me, Lord! Your grace always draws me to life, but I prefer death; You want and direct everything so that I am equal to the Angels, but with my malice I humiliate myself more and more! My sins have multiplied, Lord, and are constantly multiplying, and there is no end in sight to their multitude, and who would be able to mourn me or beg God for me?.. You Yourself, O my Savior, bowed by Your grace, look with mercy on me, the desperate one! And how would I beg You, my Lord, when my mouth is full of obscene words? How will I sing praises to You when my conscience is defiled by sins? How can I love You, being enslaved by passions? How can Your truth dwell in me when I have disgraced myself with lies? Or how I would call upon You in my prayers: after all, I did not keep Your commandments!.. Despite the fact that I have learned the truth, I am still impudent, irritable, I offend everyone and quarrel over little things, I am envious and cruel to those who live with me, I feed myself with evil thoughts, I am unmerciful to the poor, I get angry, contradict, argue, I am stubborn, lazy, I love luxury in clothes, and to this day there are still a lot of unclean thoughts, outbursts of pride in me, gluttony, lust, vanity, pride, ill-will, gossip, secret eating, disobedience, strife, reproach of neighbors; I am nothing, but I think a lot about myself; I myself always lie, but I am indignant at liars; I myself defile my bodily church with lustful thoughts, and I pronounce strict condemnation on fornicators; I constantly condemn those who sin, and yet I myself am filled with sins; I condemn the thief and scolder, being myself no better than them; I act with the dignity of purity and innocence, but I myself am all in sinful impurity; I want to take first place in church and at meals, while I myself am worthy of being spat upon. When I see nuns, I admire them; when I see monks, I am magnified; I try to appear pleasant to women and pious to the rich, I exalt myself before my own people, show myself to be reasonable and prudent, and before prudent people - a perfect sage; I treat the pious as if they were experienced in knowledge, but I despise the foolish as dumb beasts; If they blaspheme me, I burn with vengeance; Will they show me honor and respect? I despise my subordinates; when they demand justice from me, I initiate litigation; whoever tells me the truth, I consider him an enemy; and if I am rebuked, I become angry; when they treat me unkindly, I get offended; I don’t want to prefer someone worthy, but I myself, being unworthy, seek honor; I don’t want to work myself, and if someone doesn’t want to serve me, I’m angry with him; I do not want to go with those who labor to a common cause, and if anyone does not help me myself, I slander him and call him proud; if a brother is in need, then I don’t want to know him, but if he is in good health, then I force him to serve me; I hate the weak, and when I myself am weak, I demand love from others; I disdain the higher ones, and I despise the lower ones... If I happen to restrain myself from an unreasonable wish, then I am vain about it; if I succeed in the feat of night vigil, I fall into the net of disobedience and contradiction; if I abstain from food, I drown in arrogance and arrogance; if I restrain myself in prayer, I am overcome by anger and irritability... And no matter what virtue I achieve success in, I always exalt myself before my brothers. I have despised all worldly pleasures, but I do not abandon vain desires for them... Outwardly I am humble, but in my soul I am arrogant; I am considered a non-covetous person, but in reality my mind is sick with covetousness. And why spread it? Apparently I have renounced the world, but in reality I have worldly wisdom. Not to mention the thoughtless performance of church hymns, unauthorized procrastination, idle talk in the meeting of the brethren, wandering thoughts, vain memories, hypocritical conversations, greed for gifts, participation in other people’s sins and destructive rivalry. This is my life, this is the evil with which I destroy my salvation, and my pride and vanity do not allow me to see my sores in order to heal myself. Here are my valiant deeds! This is how many sins the enemy attacks me, and, convicted of so many iniquities, I, the accursed one, strive to become glorified in holiness and, while remaining in sins, I want to be revered as a righteous person; I have only one excuse for all this - that the devil entangled me, but Adam did not benefit from such an excuse. I know that he also taught Cain to kill his brother, but Cain also did not escape a terrible sentence. And what should I do if the Lord visits me? I have no justification for my negligence, I am afraid that I may not belong to the number of those “vessels of wrath” (Rom. 9:22) mentioned by the Apostle Paul, who will suffer the same fate as the devil and whom, for their negligence about salvation, God will betray in the passion of dishonor - I am afraid that I will not suffer the same fate. God! Thou hast ordained repentance for me, a sinner, though I am unworthy to be saved: revive, O Life-Giver, my soul, deadened by sins, soften the petrification of my heart, enlighten the blindness of my accursed heart, and grant me a source of tenderness, Thou who hast poured out life for us from Thy life-giving ribs! Who would not sigh, who would not mourn my apparent renunciation of the world? I have not yet had time to renounce as I should, and I am already overcome by pride; did not have time to taste the feat of fasting, but was already entangled in vanity; I haven’t even seen the threshold of ascetic life, but I’m already dreaming about what constitutes the inner work of the spiritual life of great ascetics. I do not yet have an experienced knowledge of virtue, but I am already undertaking to guide my brother; I myself have not yet achieved the knowledge of the truth, and I am already warning others against pride... The All-Good God has given you everything, my soul: reason, and meaning, and knowledge, and reasoning - know what is useful for you; How dare you give advice to your neighbor when you yourself are darkened by sin? Heal yourself first, my soul; if you did not have time to do this, then mourn your blindness: after all, there is no excuse for you for your negligence. Come to your senses, stay awake, my soul, sigh, shed a tear, lighten the heavy burden of your iniquities with abstinence and fasting! God Almighty, Who alone has the power of life and death! Show me, a sinner, in that terrible hour of Your terrible Coming, many of Your bounties, so that there, at Your Last Judgment, I will not be reproached and in great shame before the Angels and Archangels, prophets and apostles, patriarchs and martyrs, saints and all the righteous. It is better to punish me, my Savior, here, where I indulge in sinful pleasures - punish me as a merciful and child-loving father, and then forgive me as the All-Merciful God, for You alone are sinless. Every sin was committed by me, the accursed one, I surpassed everyone in debauchery and am guilty of eternal torment, and even if I wanted to repent, I have no tears. Woe is me! With what eyes will I, a despised and sinful sloth, look at that Throne of Yours, on which You will sit, Lord, and denounce everything I have done! I know that You are my terrible Judge, I know that You will come in the glory of Your Divinity and expose all that is hidden; “I spent my entire life fornication,” cursed... I constantly wallowed in the mire of passions. - You alone, my Creator, know all my secret falls and the dark cloud of my sins! No one has ever been such a dwelling place of sin as I am; no one has yet angered Your goodness, my Lord, as much as I have, following sinful inclinations. But since You are the abyss of goodness, dry up the dark abysses of my iniquities. You, abyss of mercy, drown the abyss of my sins and do not give me what I deserve according to my deeds; do not condemn me to the fire of hell, for who will endure Your wrath against us sinners, Lord? Who can resist Your rebuke? Our fire will not go out, and the worm will not die... Fear, my soul, the coming punishment; shake off the heavy sleep of negligence and the slumber of fierce carelessness! The end is near, Judgment is at the door: something will meet us after we are separated from life, oh my soul! Come to my aid, venerable and righteous, all who have fought a good deed, and mourn me as if I were dead, or take pity on me, although alive, but almost dead, for I am filled with shame and do not have boldness before God for the multitude of my sins, which I have committed in full consciousness. Pour your mercy on me, as on a captive, as on one covered with wounds and stinking pus; have mercy on me as the merciful God and our Savior of the hidden places and beg Him, so that He Himself will turn me to the path of repentance (without any of my merits), so that I do not appear unworthy of mercy at the terrible hour of His Coming, and so that I do not hear that terrible sentence: “Depart from Me, you worker of iniquity, I tell you, I do not know you!” About the true Light, the Blessed Son of the Blessed Father, the Image of His Hypostasis, seated at the right hand of His Majesty, the incomprehensible Son of God, Christ, the inexperienced God, praise and joy of all who seek You, consolation and joy of those who love You, my life, my Light, my Christ! I beg You, do not despise me, despicable, do not reject me, abominable, do not abandon me, condemned, for my enemy is greatly magnified when I come to despair in the midst of the sinful darkness surrounding me from everywhere; he only rejoices when he sees me in captivity of despair... Disgrace his hopes, having shown Your mercy on me, pluck me from his jaws and protect me from his evil intentions and from every evil action of his, no matter what he instigates against me. Enlighten me, so that I may know the machinations of my adversary himself - the good hater, for he spreads countless nets ahead of me: all sorts of temptations, obstacles, covetousness, high position in the world, pleasures of the flesh, the duration of real life, in the feat of fasting - timidity, in prayer - laziness, during psalmody - sleep and bodily rest; and the more he puts effort into my destruction, the more damned I am, I indulge in laziness and negligence, and the more snares he sets for me, the more careless I become... Listen, my soul, take care of your conscience, do not at all look at the mistakes of others, but it is better to always mourn your crimes; do not pay attention to the thorn that is in the eyes of your brother and neighbor, but look more often at your own beam... Take care, hasten, make peace with Christ, Who was crucified in the flesh for you, for if we had reasoned with ourselves 5, we would not have been condemned where strict judgment is pronounced forever!.. Spare me, Lord, for the sake of Thy mercy, save me for the sake of Your only goodness, through the prayers of our Most Pure Lady Theotokos and all Your saints, for You are blessed forever and ever. Amen. Meditation Four (Thursday) Here again I fall at the feet of my Master, again I ask, beg, worship and cry out with fear, for I know that it is better for a guilty slave not to hide from his master and to remain close to him. Hear, O Master, my cry, accept the prayers offered by me, a sinner; pour out on me, the accursed, even a small drop of Your mercy and enlighten my soul with Your grace, so that I may have at least a little success in correcting myself; for if Your grace does not enlighten my soul, then I will not be able to recognize the partiality and negligence nesting in my heart. Woe is me! The sin that has prevailed over me has betrayed me, found in me abundant pasture for itself, and every hour kills, tramples and plunges me into the depths of evil; I, the accursed one, do not cease to anger God, but I am afraid of its unquenchable fire, but I tremble at the endless torment, for sin, turned into an evil habit, carries me into complete destruction. I expose myself, I never stop making promises to improve, and yet I remain in sins: I look and I see; I repent - and in repentance itself I sin, for I do not delve into the distinction of deeds; I am a slave of sin and do evil, although I do not desire it; I am a warrior placed under the power of sin, I submit to him, and although I could run away from this master, I serve him according to the evil custom that reigns in me. Caring about the passions, I bear the dues of the flesh; I know that corruption in me is intensifying, and as soon as it gives me a sign, I submit to it like a slave; I seem to want to run away, but, like a dog on an iron chain, I return again to my master. I hate sin, I turn away from iniquity, but still I remain in slavery to the passions; I am overcome, accursed, by pleasure against my will: I serve nature out of necessity, and it, bribed by evil will, exudes sin on me. Passions boil inside me despite my mind; they have dissolved with the flesh and cannot tolerate separation. I am trying to change my evil will, but the previous skill does not allow me to succeed in this. I force myself, poor thing, to free my soul from debt, but the evil lender immediately puts me into even greater debt. He does not even mention payment, he generously gives more and more, and does not even want to take it back at all, wanting only my slavery - he gives and does not collect the debt, so that I may be enriched by passions. I want to pay him an old debt, and he adds a new one. If I do even the slightest compulsion against myself, contrary to the attraction of the passions, he, in order to overthrow me, applies new passions and, seeing that constant being in debt forces me, as if involuntarily, to be a sinner, introduces new desires into my heart, and so that I do not confess, he strives to make me forget my passions. I become a participant in the sins of others and, occupied with them, forget my own; I am possessed by new passions and again find myself in debt; I rush to them as to friends, and they, lending me money, again treat me like rulers, and I, who shortly before tried to get rid of them, become their enslaved slave; I hasten to break their bonds and become entangled in new snares, I hasten to free myself from this military service to passions, but having received so many gifts from them, I unwittingly find myself their humble servant... Oh, how far the power of sinful passions extends over me! Oh, how great is the dominance of the evil and flattering serpent! As usual, he bargains and gives a deposit, just to sell his mind to sin itself. He convinces me to please the flesh under the pretext that it is needed to serve the soul, and now - I am already overcome by voluptuousness for intemperance, and it inclines me to immoderate sleep, and I am completely deprived of the service of the body for the soul. When I pray, he inspires me with the thought of some insignificant pleasure, and with this thought, like a copper chain, he holds my weak mind, and when he tries to run away from it, the enemy does not loosen the leash. Thus sin guards my mind and locks the doors of knowledge from me. He vigilantly watches the mind so that it does not come. somehow, in agreement with the will of God, he did not forbid selling the flesh; For this purpose, he advises to ignore many confused thoughts and assures that at the trial there will be no talk about such small things that it is impossible to even be identified 6 in these thoughts and that they will all be consigned to oblivion. But in my mind’s eye I see my accuser and know that I am threatened with eternal torment. This is what holds me back, this is what sin binds, sells and buys me with; This is how he deceives me, flatters me and subjugates me, just as the Apostle said that man is carnal, sold under sin. Sin, which dwells in my flesh, dominates the mind, binds the soul through what gives life to the flesh, and conquers the soul through the flesh. And if I wanted to weaken the flesh, sin by its very flesh overcomes me; he binds my soul like a sheep to the slaughter, like a bird in the air, like a mighty hero; he cuts off her arms and legs with his flesh, and I can no longer run or help myself. Alas for me! I am already a dead man, although I still live; I am blind, although I see with my eyes; I became a dog, although I am a man; My passions treat me, a rational creature, like unreasonable cattle!.. Have pity on yourself, my soul! Hurry up before you are condemned yet, make an effort on yourself before you are separated from your body, so as not to remain behind our doors along with the foolish virgins, where it is impossible for mortals to see life or think about justification; where there is no struggle for which one gets either life or death, and where there is no flesh for the sake of which the enemy is ashamed, overcome by its weakness. “Have mercy on me, O God, according to Your great mercy, and according to the multitude of Your mercies...” (Ps. 50:3), for if You have mercy on me, I will immediately, with Your help, be freed from this pitiful attachment to the passions; If You have mercy on me, I long to be obedient to Your goodness. If You work according to the abundance of Your goodness, You will deliver me from sin; If You pour out Your goodness on me, I will be saved; I believe that all this is possible for You and I do not despair of my salvation. I know that the multitude of Your mercies exceeds the multitude of my sins; I know that You have had mercy and have mercy on everyone who turns to You with all their hearts. I confess that I, too, have made use of Your grace many times, but later I rejected it and sinned as no one else has sinned. But You, Resurrector of the dead, resurrect me too, killed by sin! You, Healer of the blind, enlighten the darkened eyes of my heart! You, who delivered Adam from the mouth of the serpent, rescue me from the mire of my iniquities, for I too am Your sheep, but through my evil desires I became the food of lions... I became a dog because of my sins, but I will be a son when Your grace heals me; I am rejected like a leper, but as soon as You delight, I will be cleansed... I know that I deliberately sinned; but I have Your saints as prayer books for me. I know that I exceed all measure with my sins, but Your goodness is also irresistible. You, who gave advantage to the publican, show this mercy to me, although I confess that I did even more bad things. You, Lord, had mercy on Zacchaeus as worthy, and have mercy on me, although unworthy. Paul was a wolf, once a persecutor of the sheep of Your flock - he was a fierce beast when he suffered Your lambs, but he also became a good shepherd by Your grace, and he began to diligently feed Your sheep... I know that he sinned out of ignorance and, as one who did not know, was granted forgiveness of sins and great grace; but You, Lord, condemning my sin, which I committed in the knowledge, have mercy on me according to Your abundant grace... Woe is me, woe is me! I am ashamed of those who now respect me, I am afraid not to be ashamed before them there for my hidden sins. I am ashamed of my parents, lest they eventually condemn me, who promised to live not in a worldly way. I want to be like one widow who troubled the judge for a long time and yet achieved her goal; I want to become like before You, my Most Blessed Master, I, a daring one, like a persistent friend, so that You would turn my soul, captivated by sins: he asked for bread to satisfy his hunger, and I ask for spiritual consolation; he asked for carnal food, and I ask for the awakening of the soul. Holy and All-merciful God! Hear my voice and my tearful cry: convert me so that I may bear the fruits of repentance, water my withered conscience, renew me, worn out by sinful passions, so that I can be freed from their slavery. It is pleasant for me to breathe the air of freedom and glorify Your goodness in joy and joy. You know, my Lord, that I dare to speak this before You out of the sorrowful exhaustion of my soul; for I know, a sinner, that You are Merciful, Lord, and want me to change; You are only waiting for the fruit of my will; You are ready to have mercy on me, but you expect my good disposition, for, by having mercy, You want to teach me goodness and, by forgiving, You want to make me a partaker of Your Kingdom. Woe to my insensibility, woe to my wretchedness! O rough, grounded soul! O corrupt heart! Oh, lips filled with bitterness, and a larynx - an open coffin! Why don’t you remember, my soul, the inevitable path of your separation? Why aren't you preparing for this journey? Why are you preparing your death without self-pity? Why are you condemning yourself to eternal torment? What are you doing, my soul, living like a senseless animal?.. Woe is me! How is it that I choose darkness instead of light? How can I choose death instead of life? How can I place the pleasure that I have today, but will not have tomorrow, above eternal and ineffable blessings?.. Alas for me! How is it that instead of this sunny robe I agree to put on gloomy and dark clothes? How do I prefer the gloomy hellish abode to the Kingdom of Heaven? Alas for me, a sinner! I voluntarily, consciously hurt and destroy myself!.. Finally come to your senses, oh my soul! Fear God, please Him in all virtues, so as not to receive from Him purely for your sins! Love your Lord, follow the path of His commandments with courage! Understand, my soul, that this age is like a race, and the strong serpent is striving to win victory over everyone. And by some he is overthrown and trampled upon, while others he himself overthrows and betrays to reproach; some are overcome by his charms, others, entering into a fight with him, receive a crown; Some through its bitterness receive the pleasure of eternal bliss, others through its sweetness acquire the bitterness of eternal torment. Some, by extreme non-covetousness and dispassion for perishable things, easily defeat him, while others, for their attachment to earthly things, he easily defeats. For those who love God with all their souls, his attack means nothing, but for those who love the world it is difficult and unbearable. Understand, my damned soul, that the joys of this age, its pleasures and pleasures are full of sorrows and sorrows, and sorrows, deprivations and suffering prepare indescribable joy and eternal life. Turn, my soul, accept the feat in silence once and for all, so that when the hour of death and separation comes, you will not be unprepared. Think, my soul, after all, God Himself calls you, and you live so carelessly: why and how long will you grieve and sigh, oh my soul! After all, you are free!.. Meditation Five (Friday) A sorrowful soul comes to you, Holy Master; she complains to You with tears about her destroying enemy and humbly falls at Your feet, begging You to protect her from the adversary who does not give her peace. She boldly flows to You: hear her quickly and, running to You with love, visit her with mercy. If You reject her in sorrow, she will perish; If you slow down to hear her heartfelt tune, it will turn into nothing. But if, according to Your compassions, you visit her, she will come to life; if you look at her with your merciful eye, she will be saved; if you hear her cry, she will receive strength... Do not despise her, lest the enemy imagine that You gave her a letter of divorce and sent her away from You; Forget my annoyances, with which I insulted Your grace, O my All-Merciful Lord! Do not do to me according to my deeds, but grant me, a sinner, at least a short time for true repentance, O All-Good Lover of Mankind! From my youth Your grace has endured many and many of my iniquities; may he now tolerate my retreat, irritation, insolence... I know, Lord, You swore by Yourself that You do not want the death of a sinner, but through Your generosity You desire even more to save him from the sins that he commits... And Your goodness, Master of Souls, always abounds in mercy and generosity: it has mercy and saves those who love You, it often visits my heart, and when it finds silence in it, it enters and dwells in it; and if he finds him unclean, he immediately moves away from him; but Your bounty again compels her to come and visit me, unworthy; and I, the accursed one, am still fickle and changeable, changeable by my own will, and not by nature. I am always weak, always lazy, always envious and crafty; Out of negligence, I do not pay attention to my mind, and the enemy takes advantage of this and plants evil thoughts in it, presents him with lustful deeds... He delights my mind and defiles my soul, and I often again find myself guilty of my previous iniquities and wallow, as in a swamp, in bad thoughts. Your grace comes to my heart, finds there the stench of bad thoughts and immediately turns away, not finding an open entrance for itself and not being able to enter and dwell in me, as it would like it to. However, she still hurts my heart with wondrous sweetness, so that I feel that, behold, she visited me and did not find an entrance, so that, at least, having enjoyed her, I began to look for her... And I know that, prompted by Your mercy to have mercy on me, she does not move away from me forever! Oh, how great is the grace and love of God! How He desires and encourages all people to be saved!.. Spare, O Lord, Thy indecent servant; have mercy, O Merciful Savior, Thy creation; if You, Lord, do not bring me, the accursed, to reason, if You do not give me the enlightenment of my heart, then, due to my bitterness, I will not be able to see for myself my carelessness and relaxation. My evil enemy tirelessly gives me cold, he constantly oppresses me; and therefore I cry day and night to Your goodness: deliver me from his snares - he hourly renews his intrigues against me, hourly disturbs my soul with lustful thoughts and lust for pleasures. Thy power, O my Christ, which once forbade the waves of the sea, let it also forbid him, and let him disappear from me, Thy indecent servant, for he strives to take possession of my thoughts in order to distract them from the sweetness and good teaching in Thy holy commandments. Send down, O my Master, Your grace soon, may it wean away from Your servant the great serpent with all his nasty and evil thoughts, because the wounds from his arrows have already festered in my heart, and I, passionate, am trying in every possible way to hide them from people. Woe is me! The All-Good Doctor does not require payment from me for healing, but my laziness does not allow me to go to Him. He Himself comes to heal me and finds me while I am eating food that is harmful to my ulcers... He persuades me to give up this food, but its sweetness flatters my heart; I both taste and repent of it, but such repentance of mine is not true repentance!.. O You, Giver of all healings and Father of all generosity! You alone always give good gifts to those who ask You 7. I myself have often seen the experience of countless healings and good gifts that You send to me day after day... The grace of Your healings is limitless, my Lord! She gives healing to everyone who comes, and my ulcers are often healed by Your generosity, but due to my negligence they begin to fester again... That is why I boldly implore Your goodness, O Christ God, kindly, may Your grace usually descend upon me, may it gather my scattered thoughts, may it heal again my innermost ulcers... Long-suffering, always healing with grace and generosity, You heal in Your mercy the frequent ailments of my sinful soul, but I could not repay You, my Lord, for Your goals, for how can these goals and gifts of Your goodness be valued? Neither earth nor heaven can be a price worthy of Your healing and Your gifts, and these creations of Your hands are insignificant before You, but You give Your blessings for tears. You give them to everyone and everyone - for bitter crying about sins!.. Oh tears! How great is your strength! Grant, Lord, to me, Thy unworthy servant, to always have tears, grant me enlightenment and strength, may my heart be enlightened by pure prayer, may it continually shed streams of tears with tenderness, so that with my small tears the extensive handwriting of my sins will be erased, so that with my small tears the great fire prepared for me will be extinguished... I know that if I cry here, then there I will be delivered from the eternal and unquenchable fire... Behold, I collect my thoughts from everywhere, but I have not yet freed myself from the influence of evil spirits on me, which will delay me on the air path for these thoughts; I have not yet learned the full gravity of my many sins, I have still not freed myself from the condemnation of fiery hell; that which draws me into this Gehenna still bears fruit in me, and its deeds live in my heart, plunging me into it - they bear fruit in my flesh! How long can I, the damned one, get drunk without wine and live in such negligence? Woe is me! A secret voice rings in my ears: “You will suffer torment!” I know, Lord, that my sins are grave before You, I also realize that, having mercy on You, I anger You and irritate Your patience every hour; Before my eyes is my evil, and it is unforgettable that You are patient with me through Your great goodness. Grant me, O Lord, the medicine of conversion, so that I may be healed from my hidden wounds. Vouchsafe me to enter into the holy feat of abstinence, grant me to spend all the days of my life in contrition of heart. Enlighten the darkened eyes of my mind and do not allow the gaze of my soul to be darkened by the flattery of the enemy. Strengthen me so that I can successfully work in Your vineyard for at least one week, for the time of my life has become impoverished, it has passed in vanity and shameful thoughts - the eleventh hour of my vain life has come! Rule the boat of my purchase, O Lord, and grant me, a bad merchant, the understanding of how to conduct my purchase while I still have time. For behold, the end of my boat’s voyage is near, a fierce winter has come, and it’s time to go ashore: “Go, show me, you slothful one, everything that you have acquired by purchase during the summer of your life.” And the hour of death frightens me, the accursed one, for here before my eyes is the hour of separation, and I was extremely afraid, seeing my poverty... Instead of rejoicing, I was even more afraid, for I had not done deeds worthy of the grace received from God! vain world... Workers and perfect ascetics rejoice in the hour of separation, having before their eyes the great work of their asceticism, their vigils, fasts, bows, prayers, tears and sackcloths; their souls rejoice, for they are called from their bodies to enter into rest. But great is the sorrow for the sinner at the hour of separation from this life, when he sees before his eyes only negligence, intemperance, weakness, addiction to the acquisition of many things; and they do not allow him to say anything in his own defense, for death mercilessly does its work... Oh, what repentance then fills the heart of a man who did not care about his salvation here! What torture for his soul! Woe is me, woe is me, O my soul! Why are you neglecting your life? Why do you spend your days so frivolously? Suddenly an order will come to you to go there - what will you do there, before the judgment seat of the terrible Judge, when you are so carelessly staying here? How is it that the enemy steals away from you, but you don’t understand this, oh unfortunate one! How is it that the enemy steals heavenly wealth from you, and you know about it, O foolish one! Have mercy on me, my long-suffering Savior; grant me, Son of God, sinless Christ, unceasing reflection on the future life, so that I never have anything in my heart except this teaching; so that always fulfilling Your desires, with the assistance of me, a sinner, from Your grace, I may walk with love along the path of Your holy commandments, in order to make a good purchase for the silver that You Yourself entrusted to me, O my Heavenly King! And how will I appear, much weak, before Thy Last Judgment? How can I, impatient and deprived of good fruits, be among the perfect ones who brought You the fruits of righteousness here? By what way of life do they recognize me when the saints recognize each other in the Halls of Heaven by their deeds? The venerable and righteous will find themselves in the Halls, and the sinful and wicked will find themselves in the fire of Gehenna... Oh, my foolish soul! Oh, my insensitive soul! You always hate your own life! How long will you be controlled by earthly concerns? How long will the disastrous habit of evil thoughts captivate you? Or don’t you understand that evil thoughts surround you like a dark cloud, so that you do not have free time to turn to God? And you believe in your negligence that the Heavenly Bridegroom will be slow to come... No! His Coming will be like lightning! Stay awake, O my soul, in the hour of battle, propitiate God with tenderness and tears, cry out to Him with heart disease, and He will not hesitate to send a good Angel to your aid and will deliver you from the very attack and embarrassment of the enemy. Cleanse me, O Lord, a sinner, and forgive me my sins, convert me before the terrible command comes and finds me unprepared and ashamed, through the prayers of our Most Pure Mother of God and all Your saints, for You are blessed forever and ever. Amen. Meditation Six (Saturday) And now, on this very day, with a face ashamed and downcast, I dare to speak to You, Lord of the Angels and Creator of the whole world. And yet I am only earth and ashes, a reproach of people and humiliation of people, I am truly only a worm, and not a man, all covered in shame, full of sorrow and despondency! How will I lift my eyes to Your goodness, O Master! With what location of the heart? With what conscience? How dare I move my unclean and defiled tongue? Where shall I begin my confession? - I have insulted Your name beyond measure, accursed one; I lived as a prodigal worse than the prodigal son; I desecrated Your image in myself and made it obscene, I did not listen to the voice of Your commandments... What sins will I ask for forgiveness first, O accursed one: those that I committed consciously and which do not deserve forgiveness, or those with which I transgressed Your holy commandments, or those in which I agreed with evil thoughts? I know, Lord, that due to the multitude of my spiritual defilements and my uncleanness, I am not worthy to be called by Your holy name, I cannot stand in prayer before You, I cannot look up and see the heights of heaven, for I myself opened the doors to indecent lusts, I myself enslaved myself to unbridled and unruly impulses of passions, I defiled my poor soul with passions, I was consumed by cronyism 8 bitter sensual pleasures and evil will have darkened the robe of my soul. My whole mind is filled with demonic thoughts; With all my deeds, words and thoughts I have grieved and still grieve Your goodness, and I attract my enemy, who wages war against me, to myself and please him... My conscience convicts my mind; I cover my face with shame in my own mind; I condemn myself before the righteous judgment awaiting me; I have an accuser - this is my own intemperance, for I am constantly mired in the mire of gluttony; there is a witness against me - this is my evil life, for I always darken myself with sensual pleasures; there is one who shames me - this is the nakedness of my soul, for I, constantly plunging into the stench of passions, constantly defile myself with vile thoughts... From childhood I became a vessel of pernicious sin, and even now, every hour hearing about judgment and retribution, I have no desire, damned, to resist the carnal lusts that war on my soul, but I constantly sin completely consciously, passionate; I constantly succumb to self-delusion, become a prisoner of sin and become covered in shame; and therefore I am poor and deprived of Your image and empty of Your grace, Lord! Woe is me, Lord! I have made bad use of Your long-suffering. Alas for me, for many years I have offended Your Holy Spirit! Alas for me, the time of my life has passed in all vanity!.. But You, Lord, do not expose me in Your anger and do not expose my hated, shameful deeds to worldwide disgrace before all Angels and people, to my shame and eternal condemnation, although I am fully worthy of all shame and condemnation! How will I mourn the blindness of my soul? How will I mourn my own disastrous behavior and my cruel insensitivity? How can I pay for my passionate and unrepentant will? Here the ascetics rest, comforted by the Holy Spirit; and I am embarrassed, reflecting on my poverty, which comes from my own negligence; so they rejoice, for the Spirit of God reveals unknown secrets to them, but I am covered with shame, for I have become alien to all virtue; Here they rejoice, looking at the prepared treasure of reward, and I weep bitterly, for I have taken rank with foolish beasts and have become like them... I have become naked, accursed, out of my laziness, for I have completely fallen behind my prayer vigil. Look upon me, O Master, with mercy from Thy holy height! Look at the incorrigibility of my passionate soul and, in your own mind, have mercy on me and correct me. As if standing before the holy throne of Your glory, as if touching Your Most Pure feet, I beg You and ask You in tenderness with a contrite heart; have mercy on me, O Most Merciful One, have mercy on Thy creation, turn me into Thy grace! I know that You can do everything, and nothing is impossible for You; Do not expect my corrupt will, for I have no zeal to correct myself! Weep for me, all nature, visible and invisible, weep for me, who have grown old in sins and passions! Weep for me, who seems, perhaps, to be chaste, but inwardly always delights in unclean thoughts! Oh, my damned soul! Your separation from your body is near, why are you looking for consolation in something that now, perhaps, you will have to leave behind and which you will never see again? Think about what and how you did? With whom did you waste your time of doing and acquiring? Whom did you rejoice with your feat, so that he would come out to meet you when the hour of your departure from the body comes? Who did you please in the field of life, so that you could then rest from your labors under his roof? For whom did you work or force yourself at the hour of prayer vigil in order to meet him with joy? What kind of friend have you made to support you? In whose field did you work, and who will pay you for your work? Come to your senses, my damned soul, so that at the hour of your death you do not encounter sadness and sighing, so that you do not then cry without hope forever and ever! Everything will then be remembered to you, and you will say to yourself in tears and bitter sobs: “After all, all this troubled my conscience every hour, and I did not care about my salvation!” See, O Lord Christ, the Savior, the sources of my tears, see the contrite sighs of my unworthy soul - may Thy great mercy come upon me before Thy terrible command befalls me and finds me unprepared and ashamed! Send me strength greater than my weak strength, so that I may turn to You and live in reverence, according to Your holy will! Sanctify my heart, which has become a den and dwelling place of demons, may Thy terrible and most holy name be sanctified in me! There was a time when I was not on earth, and it was pleasing to You, my Lord, to create me in my mother’s womb, according to Your many compassions, and, having been born by Your mercy, I was honored to be a vessel of Your grace; and You gave me the enlightenment of spiritual reason; and I, proud and sinful, have rejected and now reject the gifts of Your grace; After this, what kind of forgiveness do I, the damned one, deserve? No! I am not worthy, Lord, to ask for forgiveness for myself, for I have no true repentance; many times I promised to repent and became a liar; many times You had mercy on me, but I turned away from; many times You accepted me, and I was corrupted; many times You raised me up, and I fell again willingly! Therefore, I pass judgment on myself and admit that I am worthy of all punishment and torment. How many times have I been filled with the consolation of Your grace, O Lover of Mankind, and beamed with joy, and again I always angered You! How many times has Your grace been upon me, and You have satisfied me, the hungry, and cooled my thirst! How many times have You enlightened my darkened mind and gathered my thoughts, squandered by the deception of the enemy! How many times have You filled my poverty, cleansed me from spiritual rottenness, but I constantly neglect Your grace! I’m completely in awe, thinking about this, I’m completely immersed in the depths of bewilderment - I’m looking for and can’t find a sufficient justification, damned one! How many times, O my Master, has Thy grace been for me the path of life, and enlightenment, and unspeakable joy; how many times was she in the heart of Thy servant with wisdom and strength, with indescribable beauty, height and glory, food sweeter than honey in the mouth of Thy servant! How can I list all the gifts of Your grace, O Lord, which I, pathetic, have received, but have turned and are turning them into nothing through my negligence! For this I am guilty of countless torments, for You filled me, a sinner, with countless gifts, and I, the accursed one, repay You only with what is disgusting to You! But You, Lord, who by nature have the abyss of long-suffering and the abyss of mercy, do not allow me to be cut down like a barren fig tree, do not rush to reap me, not yet ripe in the field of life; do not delight me, unprepared, do not take me, who have not yet lit the lamp, do not call me, who does not yet have the wedding robe; but have mercy on me, as you are Good and Humane, give me also “this summer” (Luke 13:8) for repentance, and before Your Terrible, incorruptible Judgment Seat, do not place my soul naked, like a pitiful disgrace of infamy; but have mercy, O Lord, on me, poor in soul, naked, pitiful, weak, careless, unclean, prodigal, lazy, blind, drowning in sins, ashamed and without boldness, unresponsible before You, condemned and worthy of all torment and languor. If the righteous are barely saved, then where will I end up, the wicked and sinful? If the path that leads into life is narrow and cramped, then how can I, voluptuous and passionate, receive salvation? If those who are worthy through many sorrows achieve the inheritance of the Kingdom of Heaven, then where will the lot be for me, who lives without labor and sorrow and always seeks only peace? Alas for me, my passionate soul! Our life passes so quickly, it is so short, time passes so quickly, bringing us closer to death! How will you respond when you sin in your consciousness? How will you and I bear reproof? What fear will take possession of us when we hear this terrible and weeping sentence executed: “We do not know you” (Matthew 25:12). I beg all of you, saints of God, to pray for me, a sinner and insignificant; pour out your prayers for me to the All-Bountiful God; May He turn my soul, which has approached hell through the passions of dishonor; may His holy grace shine in her and enlighten my darkened mind; May I be zealous for good and worthy of repentance through the power of your holy prayers. You, Lord, my Savior, the Son of our true God, as You know and as You want, according to Your sole goodness, turn me from the sin that abides in me, save me from destruction and put the beauty of virtue into my soul, extinguishing the fire of despair in it. I, wounded, have recourse to Your mercy, my Lord! Accept my sighs like the tears of a harlot, do not disdain me because of my many sinful scabs: after all, You Yourself know, Master, the inclination to sin of human nature! Remember that You alone are pure and pure and alien to all filth; have mercy on me, You, by nature good, merciful and merciful, heal my blindness, correct me, as You Yourself know, for I am overcome by sinful habits, weakness in soul, body, and mind, my time has passed, my days have disappeared in vanity, the end of my career in life is coming, and I am still lazy and unable to correct myself; but open, O my Lord, the doors of Thy mercy and do not close them from those who push unworthily 9! Extend a helping hand to me, overwhelmed by passions and pleasures, give me time to repent, form in me a saving skill; for if You, Lord, do not do something, then no matter what I do, everything will have no power, everything will easily be destroyed; no matter what I start, everything is unsuccessful, everything remains endless. You know, Lord, the power of the enemy and the weakness of our nature, how long will you turn Your Face away from me? How long will my enemy rise up against me? Repay him, Lord, deliver my soul from his villainy, for behold, he always stands and hurts me, hurts and laughs at my powerlessness... Save me for the sake of Thy mercy, and not for the sake of my deeds: after all, You know that these deeds are evil... “Remember Thy compassions, O Lord, and Thy mercies, as from all eternity they have been” (Ps. 24:6) extended to sinners, “if you see iniquity” (Ps. 129:3), I will be nothing; May my malice and wickedness not overcome Your mercy, and may my slothful relaxation and madness not overcome Your ineffable love for mankind; do not count me among the goats of the Shuiim - me, hardened in sin, passionate, unworthy of mercy; do not judge me, Master, as an evil and indecent servant, and do not destroy me with those who say: “Lord, Lord” (Matthew 25:11) and those who do not do Your will! Receive, O Master, and hear my unclean and unworthy prayer, You who save those who trust in You, who do not reject the prayers of sinners, who give Your hand to those defeated on earth! Teach me Your fear, give me tears of tenderness, give me repentance leading to salvation, for I raise the mental gaze of my soul to You; Great are Thy tender mercies upon all who call upon Thy name in truth, for blessed art Thou unto the ages of ages. Amen. Seventh Meditation (Same Day) Your grace gives me boldness to speak, and love for Your mercy encourages me. The One Good and All-Holy Creator of all creation! Forgive my iniquities and sins, Your sinful and foolish servant. I know, Lord, that I surpass every man in sins, but I also have refuge - this is the all-conquering abyss of Your bounties. I believe that You accept and have mercy on all who flow to Your goodness; I know that You are the Knower of the Heart and see the heart of everyone who comes to You: has it finished all calculations with the world, and before he approaches the door, You are already opening it to him; and before he falls to You, You stretch out your hand to him; Before he sheds a tear, You are ready to console him with Your bounties, and You meet him who comes to You with all his heart, like a merchant who comes with much wealth. Yes, You love to accept repentance, You want to see the tears of those who repent. You rejoice at the diligence of those who struggle to achieve spiritual purity! But since the healing power of Your grace cannot be purchased at any price, and You give it freely, for only tears, then give me, Your unworthy servant, these tears, so that with an enlightened mind, with love and faith in my heart, I may implore Your ineffable goodness and be healed from my hidden sores! Show me Your great mercy, O Compassionate Physician! Cleanse my sores!.. Free me from the invisible enemies and adversaries that plague me, so that it will be known to everyone and everywhere that only Your grace has delivered me! Sovereign Lord! Our weak mind is like a newly planted tree, which always needs watering - so our thought, being weak, constantly needs enlightenment from Your grace. Heal me, Lord, and I will be healed; and although I, a mortal creature, shy away from You, You Yourself fill my heart with Your grace and Thy mercy. A compassionate mother, rejected by her child, does not despise it, Lord, because she can be overcome by maternal love; and the bird’s compassion is poured out on her chicks: she visits them every hour, brings them food and takes care of how to grow them, for her innate maternal love prompts her to do this - so also Your mercy, Lord, is prompted by Your inherent goodness to have mercy on those who flow to You with all your heart. But for an unreasonable creature there will be no judgment, and I, a passionate, conscious sinner, I know that I will be condemned for not thinking about this terrible test, to which I will be subjected for every idle word, for every wrong thought, for every evil lust. I do not regret my small labors, which with Your help I undertake for the sake of salvation - but as soon as pleasure appears to me, immediately and suddenly I forget everything: prayer, and tears, and fasting, and vigil, and kneeling, and the time given to me for repentance, and, like a madman, I again work for sin... Or do you think that God is unjust, O my soul!?.. Or does He want to show the real price of our deeds? Why do dryness of heart and negligence so often come upon me, why do I, having forgotten myself, become absent-minded and careless, vain and angry, proud and lazy, gluttonous and voluptuous, defiled by unclean thoughts and have neither the fear of God nor the future Last Judgment before my eyes?.. And now with a sad soul I cry to You again and again, O Master, forced to complain about my fierce enemies. See, O Lord, my humiliation and be my refuge - forbid the villains who constantly surround me with flattery, but I don’t understand it: they arouse exaltation in me, but I do not humble myself at all; They put obstacles in my way so that I do not pray, for they know that if I cry out with tears to Your goodness, they will not resist... Alas for me, a sinner! What adversaries I have in the sorrowful state of my soul!.. I flow to You, my merciful, long-suffering, All-merciful Lord, who has power in heaven and on earth... Hasten to hear me, Lord! Avenge me - after all, I rely only on You alone day and night... My Lord! Do not fail to take revenge for me on my invisible enemies, take me away from these enemies, take me under Your protection, so that I defeat them with Your intercession and help, I bless You alone, You alone and glorify: may Your holy grace shine upon me in glory, may it enlighten my mind, maddened by the desires of sinful things, and captivate it with the incomprehensible and ineffable the beauty of Your glory. The coming of Your grace, O my Lord, gives sweetness, silence, silence, tenderness; its waves delight the heart, enlightened by the Holy Spirit, everything earthly, all disastrous passions suddenly leave my soul, for the waves of grace warm the mind, the understanding, and the heart; You, the All-Merciful One, pour it out to us, and give it to everyone according to the measure of their exploits, and enrich them with it; Draw, O my sinful soul, draw, through fasting and vigil, gifts from this source, pouring out the waters of heaven, while you have time! The waves of Thy holy grace, O Lord, and the enlightenment of the Holy Spirit in the soul are like the paradise of the Kingdom of Heaven, full of fruitful trees and beautiful fruits, having fruitful and beautiful fruits, having many different tastes and bringing sweetness to the lips, joy to the heart, beauty to the eyes, and an indescribable fragrance to the nose. Happy is the soul, unshakably firm in the matter of abstinence, not desecrating itself in any way, for in it the waves of Thy grace are constantly multiplying - it is enlightened, consoled, rejoiced: nothing consoles it on earth, Thy love has prevailed over it, and the consolations of the Heavenly Palace attract it to itself. I fall to Your bounties, Only Begotten Son of God, may Your grace visit me, a sinner, at all times, may it be for me enlightenment, protection, intercession, refuge, and strengthening, so that I can take refuge under her wings at the hour of Your Last Judgment, so that I may stand at Your right hand along with those who courageously fought and pleased You, - and pardoned by grace, saved by mercy, I will praise and bless Your infinitely omnipotent goodness forever and ever. Amen. Meditation Eight (Sunday) As if standing before Thy terrible throne, O Lord, I see, condemned, and the denunciation of my deeds and Thy righteous verdict, rejecting me, a sinner, from Thy Holy Face and condemning me to unbearable torment. And just as then I will cry out to You, so now I cry out with trembling and tears: You are righteous, O Most Righteous Judge! And Your Court is righteous, and I have not suffered any unrighteousness from this Court! Good holy Angels! Shed tears for me 10, for I did not have mercy on myself, I myself despised the mercy of God and now truly and righteously I accept torment... I myself have offended the humane mercy of God and am suffering punishment for my deeds... When the Lord offered me mercy, I, foolish, did not want to listen to Him, and now, quite rightly, He turns away from me. Then the Angels will tell me with anger: now is no longer the time for repentance, O unfortunate one! Now is the time of retribution: consolation now has no power, tears of repentance are also useless, only tears from torment are now flowing in a stream; no tender sighs of conversion are heard here, but only endless sobs are heard... Go, receive a bitter and heavy reward for your deeds, burning in a flame like an unclean substance, serve as the food of unquenchable Gehenna and the undying worm! Enjoy, as a son of darkness, the eternal darkness that you yourself loved, have fun looking at the dark images of demons, because you yourself have turned away from the Ever-Existing Light! There there will be endless crying, there will be painful gnashing of teeth! Woe to me, woe to me, my soul, you will look at the incorruptible Judge, when the Archangels will stand before Him in reverent fear of the servants of God, when people will stand in awe before the Last Judgment of the Creator of all, and then there will be a Judgment without mercy - for those who have not done mercy here! What then will I say in my defense, my soul, when I weep and find no defender for myself in anyone? You see your sins, you see unpaid debts - think about the coming Judgment! While there is still time, sigh and cry in order to receive forgiveness of your sins, so that the last hour does not find you unprepared, in unrepentance, in serving the passions! What can I say then, my soul, when I weep, cast down in despair on earth, when the Angels come for you, and unspeakable fear and trembling take possession of you, and you will sigh bitterly, thinking about what you did, but you will not be able to justify yourself in your deeds! And you will see an innumerable multitude of Angels, and an innumerable multitude of demons will approach you; on the one hand are the man-loving Angels of God, on the other - the man-hating demons, and you will often turn your gaze here and there, and there will be no one who could then protect you and deliver you from the demons... Repent, do not hesitate, hurry, before that terrible hour comes for you - throw off the burden of sin! Come to heartfelt contrition, my soul, give up serving passions and try to spend your life in repentance, so that merciless death does not suddenly snatch you away like a roaring lion!... The only sinless, the only many-merciful, source of goodness and mercy! You wish salvation for all people; You do not want the death of those who sin against You; You call everyone to repentance - I fall down to You, Lord, I, a slave of condemnation, worthy, I stretch out my hands to You, guilty of everything, I lift up my eyes and my heart to You and I beg Your goodness, O my Lord: save me, the accursed one, who has sinned much before You! I have surpassed all those who have sinned before You, I have surpassed everyone in serving my passions; what darkness awaits me, the accursed one! What fire is prepared for me, the prodigal! I bow my knees, I hit the ground with my forehead, I shed tears and weep, I cry to You: Lord, Lord, help me! Deliver me from the passions that have taken possession of me! Do not despise, Master, my contrite prayer. I stretch out my hands, defiled by sin - do not reject me, burdened with passions, look upon me with your humanely benevolent mercy! I defiled myself with carnal pleasure, I disgraced the beauty of my soul, I enslaved myself to carnal wisdom, I destroyed my former autocracy, I listened to the advice of my enemy, served passions as idols, fulfilled the desires of the flesh, darkened the light of my mind and, honored by the honor of sonship from God Himself, likened myself to senseless beasts. And so, fear, trembling and horror take possession of me when I imagine a mortal beating, imperceptibly approaching everyone, and yet I remain unrecoverable! From the depths of my soul I cry to You, Lord, with tears and sighs I fall: be merciful to me, O Lover of Mankind! In You alone I place all my hope; help me to avoid the wrath of the future and future condemnation; Deign, may my hardened soul be fruitful in virtues, may my fruitless thoughts be destroyed by the fire of the Holy Spirit. Do not cut me down like a barren tree, do not consign me to unquenchable fire, lest I become food for fire like the tares, but like wheat, take me into Your barn, O my God! Not daring to look at heaven, I bow my heart’s knees, accursed... Accept prayer from unclean lips, my only sinless Creator! You are the Almighty King of all, You have overthrown the rebellious Belial, You have delivered me from all iniquities! Both Angels and people, having seen my conversion, will organize a holiday for Your glory. I have despised Your life-giving commandments, I have been seduced by shameful deeds - do not disdain me, Most Good Master, but deliver me from the slavery of the evil one! With the fear of my heart, I beg You: You created me in Your goodness, enriched me with many gifts and loved me so much that for my sake you became incarnate and endured death, but I did not want to remember Your great love, my Savior - I completely became a slave of sinful power, desecrating both body and soul. Every day I cry: I have sinned! But I still do not stop sinning... And now I stand condemned before You, O All-Good One! Grant me forgiveness of my evil deeds, for You are a merciful and humane God!.. Mother of God Virgin, Mother of God, Door of Heaven and Ark of God, You are our shameless salvation, save me, Lady, although I do not deserve it! The regiments of Angels in heaven are taking care of me, so that my enemies do not suddenly steal my soul, and I do not plunge into the jets of hellfire! The law-loving holy Apostles will then sit on the thrones together with the Judge Lord, the terrible sword-bearing Angels will separate the sinners from the righteous - then every breath will cry, for there will be no end to the fierce torment! Warn all this, O my soul, weep as that harlot of the Gospel wept! Spare me, my Savior, the terrible punishment of these terrible torments! The Seraphim, Seated on the quadruple Cherubim, constantly sing praises to You. You, as the Trinity in Unity, are glorified by all the ranks of heaven as Your servants. You are Light, unborn Father, You have a co-originating Son and a co-essential Spirit, giving everyone the breath of life; You are Generous, and Good, and Merciful; Through the prayers of the martyrs, prophets, apostles, saints and saints, hear us praying to You: Heavenly Lord, glory to You! To the King of the ages, the Immortal, the Invisible, the All-Wise God, be honor and glory forever and ever. Amen. Alas! We cannot say about ourselves that we make a beginning every day, as Blessed Ficara says - we have not even thought about that yet. (Approx. transl.) Fikara has labor, Ephraim the Syrian has love Thought about yourself with condemnation From the Gospel: Matt. 7, 11. OK. 11, 13 Blato (ts.-slav.) – swamp, mud, mud Fikara says here: don’t shed tears... But Ephraim the Syrian says in a parallel place: shed tears. And this reading along the way, especially in connection with the angry response of the Angels to this speech, should be considered more correct