3рение греха своего

That terrible time will come, that terrible hour will come in which all my sins will appear naked before God the Judge, before His Angels, before all humanity. Anticipating the state of my soul at this menacing hour, I am filled with horror. Under the influence of a living and strong premonition, with trepidation I hasten to immerse myself in examining myself, I hasten to believe in the book of my conscience the sins marked by my deeds, words, and thoughts. Books that have been unread for a long time, stagnant in closets, become saturated with dust and moth-eaten. Anyone who takes such a book encounters great difficulty in reading it. This is my conscience. Not reviewed for a long time, it could hardly be opened. When I open it, I don't find the satisfaction I expected. Only major sins are listed quite clearly; small writings, of which there are many, have almost been erased - and now it is impossible to make out what was depicted by them. God, God alone, can restore brightness to faded writings and deliver a person from an evil conscience (Heb. 10:22). God alone can give man the sight of his sins and the sight of his sin - his fall, in which is the root, seed, germ, the totality of all human sins. Having called on the mercy and power of God for help, calling on them to help with the warmest prayer, combined with prudent fasting, combined with crying and sobbing of the heart, I again open the book of conscience, again I look at the quantity and quality of my sins, I look at what the sins I committed gave rise to for me? I see: “My iniquities have exceeded my head, for a heavy burden weighs me down, multiplying more than the hair of my head” (Ps. 37:5, 39:13). What is the consequence of such sinfulness? “My iniquity has befallen me, and I am unable to see it; forsake my heart” (Ps. 39:13). The consequences of a sinful life are blindness of mind, bitterness, and insensibility of the heart. The mind of an inveterate sinner sees neither good nor evil; his heart loses the capacity for spiritual sensations. If, having left a sinful life, this person turns to pious deeds, then his heart, as if alien, does not sympathize with his desire for God. When, through the action of Divine grace, a multitude of his sins are revealed to the ascetic, then it is impossible for him not to become extremely perplexed and plunge into deep sadness. “My heart is disturbed” from such a sight, “leave my strength and the light of my eyes, and that one will not be with me: for my soul is filled with reproaches,” that is, my activity was filled with stumbling blocks from habit to sin, which forcefully leads to new sins; “My wounds grew stale and rotten because of my madness,” that is, sinful passions grew old and terribly damaged me due to my inattentive life; “there is no healing in my flesh,” that is, there is no healing, through my own efforts alone, for my entire being, struck and infected by sin (Ps. 37: 6, 8, 11). By recognizing my sins, repenting of them, confessing them, regretting them, I plunge all their countless multitudes into the abyss of God’s mercy. In order to beware of sin in the future, I will take a closer look, secluded within myself, at how sin acts against me, how it approaches me, what it says to me. He approaches me like a thief: his face is covered; “I have quenched his words more than oil” (Ps. 54:22); He tells me lies, he suggests lawlessness. Poison is in his mouth; his tongue is a deadly sting. “Enjoy! – he whispers quietly and flatteringly. - Why is pleasure forbidden to you? Enjoy! What sin is that? - and, the villain, proposes a violation of the commandment of the all-holy Lord. I shouldn’t have paid any attention to his words: I know that he is a thief and a murderer. But some incomprehensible weakness, weakness of will, defeats me! I listen to the words of sin, I look at the forbidden fruit. In vain my conscience reminds me that eating this fruit is also tasting death. If there is no forbidden fruit before my eyes: suddenly this fruit is drawn in my imagination, drawn picturesquely, as if by the hand of enchantment. The feelings of the heart are drawn to a seductive picture, like a harlot. Her appearance is captivating, temptation breathes from her; it is decorated with precious, shining utensils; its deadly effect is carefully hidden. Sin seeks a sacrifice from the heart when the body cannot make this sacrifice, due to the absence of the object itself. Sin acts in me with a sinful thought, acts with a sinful sensation, a sensation of the heart and a sensation of the body; acts through the bodily senses, acts through the imagination. To what conclusion does this view of myself lead me? To the conclusion that in me, in my entire being, there lives sinful damage, which sympathizes with and assists the sin attacking me from the outside. I am like a prisoner bound in heavy chains: anyone who is allowed to do so grabs the prisoner and drags him wherever he wants, because the prisoner, being bound in chains, has no opportunity to resist. Sin once penetrated into the high paradise. There he offered my forefathers to eat the forbidden fruit. There he deceived, there he struck down those who were deceived with eternal death. And to me, their descendant, he constantly repeats the same sentence; and they constantly try to seduce and destroy me, their descendant. Adam and Eve immediately after sin were expelled from paradise and cast into the land of sorrows (Genesis 3:23–24): I was born in this land of tears and disasters! But this does not justify me: paradise was brought here to me by the Redeemer, implanted in my heart. I drove paradise from my heart through sin. Now there is a mixture of good and evil, there is a fierce struggle between good and evil, there is a clash of countless passions, there is torment, a foretaste of the eternal torment of hell. I see in myself proof that I am the son of Adam: I retain his inclination towards evil; I agree with the seducer’s proposals, although I know for certain that deception is being offered to me, murder is being prepared. It would be in vain for me to blame my forefathers for the sin they communicated to me: I have been freed from the captivity of sin by the Redeemer and I am already falling into sins not from violence, but arbitrarily. The forefathers in paradise once committed a crime against one commandment of God, and I, being in the bosom of the Church of Christ, constantly violate all the Divine commandments of Christ, my God and Savior. Then my soul is troubled with anger and memory of malice! In my imagination, a dagger sparkles over the enemy’s head and my heart revels in the satisfied vengeance accomplished by a dream. Then I imagine scattered heaps of gold! Following them are drawn magnificent chambers, gardens, all the objects of luxury, voluptuousness, pride, which are delivered by gold, and for which a sin-loving person worships this idol - the means of fulfilling all corruptible desires. I am seduced by honors and power! I am drawn to, occupied with dreams of ruling people and countries, of bringing them perishable acquisitions and perishable glory for myself. It’s obvious that tables with steaming and fragrant dishes are ahead of me! Ridiculously and at the same time pitifully I enjoy the seductions that appear before me. Then suddenly I see myself as righteous, or, more correctly, my heart is being hypocritical, trying to appropriate righteousness to itself, flattering itself, worrying about human praise, how to attract it to myself! Passions challenge me from one another, continuously transmit one to another, outrage, disturb me. And I don’t see my sad state! There is an impenetrable veil of darkness on my mind; There is a heavy stone of insensibility on my heart. Will my mind come to its senses, will it want to move towards good? My heart, accustomed to sinful pleasures, resists him; my body, which has acquired bestial desires, resists him. Even in me, the concept was lost that my body, as created for eternity, is capable of Divine desires and movements, that bestial aspirations are its illness, introduced into it by the fall. The heterogeneous parts that make up my being - mind, heart and body - are dissected, separated, act differently, counteract one another; then they only act in momentary, ungodly agreement when they work against sin. This is my condition! It is the death of the soul during the life of the body. But I'm happy with my condition! I am pleased not because of humility - because of my blindness, because of my hardness. The soul does not feel its mortification, just as the body, separated from the soul by death, does not feel it. If I felt my mortification, I would remain in continuous repentance! If I felt my mortification, I would care about the resurrection! I am completely occupied with the cares of the world, little concerned about my spiritual distress! I cruelly condemn the slightest sins of my neighbors; he himself is filled with sin, blinded by it, turned into a pillar of salt like Lot’s wife, incapable of any spiritual movement. I have not inherited repentance because I do not yet see my sin. I do not see my sin, because I still work against sin. He who enjoys sin and allows himself to taste it cannot see his sin - at least with his thoughts and the sympathy of his heart. He can only see his sin who, with decisive will, has renounced all friendship with sin, who stands on vigilant guard at the gates of his home with a drawn sword - the word of God, who reflects and cuts off sin with this sword, no matter in what form it approaches him. Whoever accomplishes a great deed - establishes enmity with sin, forcibly tearing away the mind, heart and body from it, God will give him a great gift: Vision of his sin. Blessed is the soul that has seen the sin nesting within itself! Blessed is the soul that has seen within itself the fall of its forefathers, the decay of the old Adam! Such a vision of one’s sin is a spiritual vision, a vision of a mind healed from blindness by Divine grace. With fasting and kneeling, the Holy Eastern Church teaches us to ask God to see our sin. Blessed is the soul that continually studies the Law of God! In him she can see the image and beauty of the New Man, and from them she can discern and correct her shortcomings. Blessed is the soul that has purchased the village of repentance by mortifying itself in relation to sinful endeavors! In this village she will find a priceless treasure of salvation. If you have acquired the village of repentance, go into the weeping of a child before God. Do not ask, if you can not ask, anything from God; surrender yourself with selflessness to His will. Understand, feel that you are a creature, and God is the Creator. Surrender yourself unconsciously to the will of the Creator, bring Him one infant cry, bring Him a silent heart, ready to follow His will and be imprinted by His will. If, due to your infancy, you cannot immerse yourself in prayerful silence and weeping before God, say a humble prayer before Him, a prayer for forgiveness of sins and healing from sinful passions, these terrible moral ailments resulting from arbitrary sins repeated over a considerable period of time. Blessed is the soul that has recognized itself as completely unworthy of God, that has condemned itself as damned and sinful! She is on the path of salvation; there is no self-delusion in her. On the contrary, the one who considers himself ready to receive grace, who considers himself worthy of God, expects and asks for His mysterious coming, says that he is ready to accept, hear and see the Lord, he deceives himself, he flatters himself, he has reached the high cliff of pride, from which a fall into the dark abyss is harmful 56. There fall all those who are proud of God, who dare to shamelessly recognize themselves as worthy of God and, out of this conceit and self-deception, say to God: “Speak, O Lord, as your servant hears” (1 Samuel 3:9). The young prophet Samuel heard the Lord calling him and, not recognizing himself as worthy of a conversation with the Lord, appeared to his elderly mentor, asking him for instructions on his behavior. Samuel heard the same calling voice a second time and again appeared to his mentor. The mentor realized that the voice of the caller was the voice of God: he commanded the young man, when he heard such a calling, to answer the speaker: “Say, O Lord, that your servant hears.” The voluptuous and arrogant dreamer also dares to speak, not called upon by anyone, intoxicated with a vain opinion, composing voices and consolations within himself, with them flattering his arrogant heart, with them deceiving himself and his gullible followers 57 . Son of the Eastern Church, the only holy and true! In your invisible feat, be guided by the instructions of the holy Fathers of your Church: from every vision, from every voice outside and inside you, before you are renewed by the clear action of the Holy Spirit, they command you to turn away, as from a clear reason for self-delusion 58 . Keep your mind formless, drive away all dreams and opinions that approach it, with which the fall has replaced the truth. Clothed in repentance, stand with fear and reverence before the great God, who is able to cleanse your sins and renew you with His Most Holy Spirit. The coming Spirit will guide you “into all truth” (John 16:13). The feeling of crying and repentance is the only thing needed by a soul that has come to the Lord with the intention of receiving forgiveness of its sins from Him. This is the good part! If you have chosen her, then may she not be taken away from you! Do not exchange this treasure for empty, false, violent, supposedly blessed feelings, do not destroy yourself with self-flattery. “If some of the Fathers,” says St. Isaac the Syrian, “wrote about what there is purity of the soul, what is its health, what is dispassion, what is vision, then they did not write so that we would look for them prematurely and with expectation. The Scripture says: “the kingdom of God will not come with observance” (Luke 17:20). Those in whom expectation lives have acquired pride and fall... The quest with the expectation of God's lofty gifts is rejected by the Church of God. This is not a sign of love for God, it is an illness of the soul” 59. All the saints recognized themselves as unworthy of God: by this they showed their dignity, which consisted in humility 60. All the self-deluded considered themselves worthy of God: this revealed the pride and demonic delusion that had invaded their souls. Some of them accepted the demons who appeared to them in the form of angels and followed them; To others, demons appeared in their own form and appeared to be defeated by their prayer, which led them into arrogance; others aroused their imagination, heated their blood, produced nervous movements in themselves, mistook this for blessed pleasure and fell into self-delusion, into complete darkness, and were numbered in their spirit among the rejected spirits. If you need to talk to yourself, bring yourself not flattery, but self-reproach. Bitter medicines are useful to us in our state of decline. Those who flatter themselves have already received their reward here on earth - their self-delusion, praise and love of a world hostile to God: they have nothing to expect in eternity except condemnation. “My sin is taken away before me” (Ps. 51:5), says Saint David about himself: his sin was the subject of his constant consideration. “I will proclaim my iniquity, and I will take care of my sin” (Ps. 37:19). Saint David was engaged in self-condemnation, engaged in denunciation of his sin, when the sin had already been forgiven and the gift of the Holy Spirit had already been returned to him. This is not enough: he exposed his sin, confessed it in the hearing of the universe (Ps. 50). The Holy Fathers of the Eastern Church, especially the desert dwellers, when they reached the height of spiritual exercises, then all these exercises merged in them into one repentance. Repentance embraced their entire life, all their activity: it was a consequence of seeing their sin. Some great Father was asked what should be the work of a solitary monk? He answered: “Your mortified soul is before your eyes, and are you asking what your action should be?” 61 Crying is an essential activity of a true ascetic of Christ; crying - doing it from entering the feat until the accomplishment of the feat. The sight of one's sin and the repentance born of it are actions that have no end on earth: the sight of sin arouses repentance; repentance brings purification; The gradually purified eye of the mind begins to see such shortcomings and damage in the entire human being that it previously, in its darkness, did not notice at all. God! Grant us to see our sins, so that our mind, drawn entirely to the attention of our own sins, ceases to see the faults of our neighbors and thus sees all our neighbors as good. Grant to our hearts to leave the destructive concern for the shortcomings of our neighbor, to unite all our concerns into one concern for the acquisition of the purity and holiness commanded and prepared for us by You. Grant to us, who have desecrated the garments of our souls, to whiten them again: they have already been washed with the waters of baptism; now, after desecration, they need to be washed with tearful waters. Grant us to see, in the light of Your grace, the diverse ailments living in us, destroying spiritual movements in the heart, introducing into it blood and carnal movements, hostile to the kingdom of God. Grant us the great gift of repentance, preceded and generated by the great gift of seeing our sins. Protect us with these great gifts from the abysses of self-delusion, which opens in the soul from its unnoticed and incomprehensible sinfulness, is born from the action of unnoticed and incomprehensible voluptuousness and vanity. Protect us with these great gifts on our path to You and grant us to reach You, who calls upon confessing sinners and rejects those who recognize themselves as righteous, so that we may forever praise You in eternal bliss, the One True God, the Redeemer of the captives, the Savior of the lost. Amen. St. Isaac the Syrian, Homily 55. Imitation, Moscow edition, 1834, book. 3, ch. 2. In the passage of the Western writer we indicate, passion, conceit and self-delusion are displayed so vividly and picturesquely that it is considered useful to present the reader with the text itself: “Speak, Lord, for Thy servant hears. I am Your servant! Give me understanding, that I may know Your testimonies. Incline my heart to the words of Your mouth, and let Your words fall like dew. The children of Israel once said to Moses: Speak to us, and we will listen; Let not the Lord speak to us, lest we die. Not so, Lord, not so I pray! But especially with the prophet Samuel, I humbly and earnestly beg: Speak, Lord, for Your servant hears. Let not Moses or any other of the prophets tell me: but rather speak to You, O Lord God, Who gives inspiration and enlightenment to all the prophets. You alone, without them, can completely teach me; without You they cannot have any success. Their words may sound, but they do not communicate the Spirit! They speak gracefully, but when You are silent, they do not ignite their hearts! They convey the letters, but You reveal the meaning! They utter mysteries, but You open the mind of allegory! They announce Your commands, but You give them the power to carry them out! They show the way, but You give strength to follow it! They act only from the outside, but You instruct and enlighten hearts! They irrigate externally, but You give fruitfulness! They cry out with words, but You give understanding to the ears! And therefore let not Moses tell me! Speak, O Lord, my God, eternal Truth. Let me not die and remain fruitless if I am instructed only outwardly, but inwardly I will not be inflamed, and let not the word heard and not fulfilled, - known and not embraced by love, - believed and not kept, be judged against me. And so, speak, Lord, for Your servant hears: You have the words of eternal life.” The impudence of this pompous eloquence and idle talk brings horror and deep sadness to the soul brought up by the teachings of the Orthodox Church. Repentance has been eliminated here! Contrition of spirit eliminated! Here is a decisive desire for the closest and closest union with God! This is generally the mood of ascetic Western writers. One of them, expressing his incorrect understanding of the dignity of the Mother of God, concludes his ecstatic grandeur as follows: “So! Let us rush into the arms of the Mother of God!” This mood is opposite to the mood that the holy Eastern Church teaches to her children. “Even if Thy saints had not had prayer books,” she says in one of her hymns, “and Thy goodness that has mercy on us, as they dared to sing to You, O Savior, the Angels incessantly glorify Him” (Troparion at Great Compline). In another hymn she says: “Let us now diligently pray to the Mother of God, sin and humility, and let us fall in repentance calling from the depths of our souls: Help the Lady, who has had mercy on us! Try: we perish from many sins! do not turn away your servants in vain: for you and the only hope of the imams” (Canon of prayer to the Most Holy Theotokos). The state of self-delusion and demonic delusion is incomprehensible to those who have not been educated by spiritual feats according to the tradition of the Orthodox Church: they recognize this disastrous state as the most correct, grace-filled state. He who took the trouble to translate “Imitation” from Latin into Russian placed his instructions for the reader at the end of the book. Pointing to the 2nd chapter of the 3rd book, to this painting of self-delusion and conceit, he advises, before any pious reading, to put yourself in the mood depicted in this chapter. Obviously, such a mood provides freedom to explain the Holy Scriptures at will, and the obligation to follow the explanation made by the Holy Fathers and accepted by the Church is removed. This is the dogma of Protestantism. St. Gregory Sinait. About prelest, etc. Dobrot., part 1. St. Callistus and Ignatius Xanthopoulos, ch. 73. Kindness, part 2. St. Isaac the Syrian, Homily 55. St. Isaac the Syrian, Homily 21. You might be interested in: