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What word will I put at the beginning of the words of my cry? What is the first thought of my sad thoughts that I can express in words? - They are all equally heavy: each, when it appears to the mind, seems the most difficult; each one seems most painful to the heart, when it hurts and pierces it. The groans have accumulated in my chest, they are crowding in it, they want to burst out; but, warned by one another, they return to the chest and produce a strange vibration in it. Will I turn my mind's gaze to my past days? This is a chain of seductions, a chain of sins, a chain of falls! – Will I look at that part of life that is still before me in the field of earthly wandering? horror grips me: it is produced by my weakness, proven to me by countless experiences. Will I look at my soul? – there is nothing comforting! She is all covered in sinful ulcers; there is no sin to which she is not involved; There is no crime for which she would not record herself! - My body, poor body! I smell the stench of your decay. “Corruption does not inherit incorruption” (1 Cor. 15:50). Your lot is after death in the prison of the tomb, after resurrection - in the prison of hell! What fate awaits my soul after it is separated from my body? It would be good if a peaceful and bright Angel appeared to her and soared with her to the blessed abodes of Eden. But what will he stand for? What virtue, what feat will those worthy of the celestials find in it? No! Rather, hordes of gloomy demons, fallen angels will surround her, they will find in her an affinity with themselves, their fall, their sinful properties, their ungodly will - they will take her away, drag her into their dwellings, dwellings of eternal, fierce sorrow, dwellings of eternal darkness and at the same time unquenchable fire, dwellings of torment and groaning of continuous, endless. This is how I see myself, and I cry. Then quietly meager drops of tears, like drops of dew, only water the apples of my eyes; then a large rain of tears rolls down the cheeks onto the clothes or bed; then the tears dry up completely - one painful cry consumes the soul. I cry with my mind, I cry with my heart, I cry with my body, I cry with my whole being; I feel crying not only in my chest, but in all the members of my body. They strangely and unspeakably participate in crying and get sick from it. My soul! Before the decisive, inevitable time of transition to the future comes, take care of yourself. Come, cleave to the Lord with sincere, constant repentance - living a pious life according to His all-holy commandments. The Lord is abundantly merciful, infinitely merciful: He accepts all those who come running to Him, cleanses the sins of sinners, heals old, stinking, deadly ulcers, and bestows bliss on all who believe in Him and obey Him. Consider your earthly journey from its very beginning, consider the great blessings poured out on you by God, entrust your destiny to Him, seek to incorporate His holy will into yourself, submit to His all-good and wise determinations. The Apostle notes: “Even if they had reasoned for themselves, they would not have been condemned” (1 Cor. 11:31). No one, no one, before my creation, interceded with my Creator, so that He would call me by omnipotent command into existence from nothingness. My only intercessor before God was His coeternal goodness. I was born without knowing that I existed - I began to exist as if non-existent. Alas! I was born fallen, I began to live already dead: “I was conceived in iniquities” and in the death of sin “my mother gave birth to me” (Ps. 50:7). Life and death together were the beginning of my existence. I didn’t know, I didn’t completely understand that I was living, that while I was alive I was dead, and while I existed I was dead. What kind of sacrament is the birth of a person in sin? How can one who has not lived already died? did not walk - fell? did he who did nothing sin? How are the children in the womb of their forefather, separated from him for thousands of years, participants in his sin? My mind looks reverently at the destinies of God; doesn't understand them; does not dare to test; but he sees, is surprised by them, and praises the incomprehensible, unknown God. My birth in sin was a disaster worse than non-existence itself! What a disaster it is to be born into the sorrows of a fleeting earthly life, then to exist forever in the darkness and torment of hell! There are no intercessors for me; I myself do not have the strength to escape from the abyss of destruction. The right hand of my God will take me away from there. Having begotten me with my parents for existence, He gives birth to salvation with Himself: He washes me from sinful filth, renews me with the Spirit in the waters of baptism, accepts the vows of my fidelity from the lips of my recipient, names me with His Name, seals me with His seal, makes me a partaker of His Divinity, an heir of His Kingdom. Miracles are performed on me, unspeakable blessings are poured out on me while I feel nothing, understand nothing, do not even understand my existence. You looked upon me, my Lord, when I was a speechless baby! Wrapped in swaddling clothes, without reason, without the ability to act, what did I bring to You? How did you accept my vows? How, having received them, did You pour out Your gifts? Looking at Your incomprehensible goodness, I am perplexed! And now I can do nothing more, as and as much as I did when I was a short-day-old baby: in the silence of the tongue and mind, I bring You the infant’s cry and tears without any thought. What did I repay for the great blessings poured out on me at a time when I did not understand them? – I continued not to understand them, not to know them. My eyes turned to the world; pleasures, temporary services in the midst of it, seemed to me the property, the purpose of man. Death did not exist for me! earthly life seemed to me eternal: so the thought of death was alien to my mind. Eternity!... my eyes did not venture into its invisible distance! “I knew the dogmas and teachings of the holy Eastern Church, I believed them, but my knowledge and faith were dead. What was the fall of man, what was his salvation, what were their signs, what evidence? – I had no experienced, living knowledge about that. I considered the Old Testament ten words to be the commandments of God, and the commandments of my Savior, His all-holy words, to be one moral teaching, the following of which is both useful and commendable, but not an indispensable duty. Thus, the ineffable gift of grace given at baptism was wrapped, like the talent of the Gospel in the garb of ignorance, buried, deeply hidden in the ground - in the care of gaining the transitory knowledge of the transitory world; covered, like dust, with thoughts of prosperity and temporary pleasures, of serving the vanity and dark light of a vain age. My childhood was filled with sorrows. Here I see Your hand, my God! I had no one to open my heart to: I began to pour it out before my God, I began to read the Gospel and the lives of Thy saints. A veil, occasionally pierced, lay for me on the Gospel; but Your Pimens, Your Sisoi and Macarii made a wonderful impression on me. The thought that often soared to God through prayer and reading began little by little to bring peace and tranquility to my soul. When I was a fifteen-year-old youth, an indescribable silence filled my mind and heart. But I did not understand it; I believed that this was the ordinary state of all people. This is how I entered military and academic service, not by choice or desire. Then I did not dare, I did not know how to desire anything: because I had not yet found the Truth, I had not yet seen It clearly in order to desire It! Human sciences, inventions of the fallen human mind, became the subject of my attention: I rushed towards them with all the strength of my soul; vague religious activities and feelings remained on the sidelines. Almost two years passed in earthly pursuits: some terrible emptiness was born and already grew in my soul, hunger appeared, an unbearable longing appeared - for God. I began to mourn my negligence, to mourn the oblivion to which I betrayed faith, to mourn the sweet silence that I lost, to mourn the emptiness that I acquired, which burdened me, terrified me, filling me with a feeling of orphanhood, deprivation of life! And for sure - it was the languor of a soul that had moved away from its true life, God. I remember: I’m walking through the streets of St. Petersburg in a cadet’s uniform, and tears are streaming from my eyes!.. Why don’t I cry like that now! Now I need tears more! I spent half my life: days, months and years passed faster; - rushing to the grave, from where there is no return, beyond which there is no repentance and correction. My concepts were already more mature; I was looking for certainty in religion. Unaccountable religious feelings did not satisfy me; I wanted to see what was true, clear, the Truth. At that time, various religious ideas occupied and worried the northern capital, bickering and fighting among themselves. Neither side pleased my heart; it did not trust them, it feared them. In stern thoughts, I took off my cadet's uniform and put on the officer's uniform. I regretted the cadet’s uniform: in it, when coming to the church of God, I could stand in the crowd of soldiers, in the crowd of common people, pray and cry to my heart’s content. The young man had no time for fun, no time for entertainment! The world did not present anything attractive to me: I was so cold towards it, as if the world had no temptations at all! Exactly - they did not exist for me: my mind was completely immersed in science, and at the same time burned with the desire to find out where the true faith lies, where the true teaching about it lies, alien to errors, both dogmatic and moral. Meanwhile, the boundaries of human knowledge in the highest, final sciences appeared before our eyes. Having come to the limits of this, I asked the sciences: “What do you give as property to a person? Man is eternal, and his property must be eternal. Show me this eternal property, this sure wealth, which I could take with me beyond the grave! Until now, I see only knowledge given, so to speak, for maintenance, ending with the earth, unable to exist after the soul is separated from the body. – What is the purpose of studying mathematics? Its subject is matter. It reveals a certain type of laws of matter, teaches how to calculate and measure it, and how to apply calculations and measurements to the needs of earthly life. It points to the existence of an infinite quantity, as an idea, beyond the boundaries of matter. Accurate knowledge and definition of this idea is logically impossible for any rational but limited being. Mathematics points to numbers and measures, some of which, due to their significant magnitude, others at their smallest, cannot be subject to human research; it points to the existence of knowledge to which man has an innate desire, but to which science has no means to lead him. Mathematics only hints at the existence of objects beyond the scope of our senses. – Physics and chemistry reveal a different kind of laws of matter. Before science, people did not even know about the existence of these laws. Open laws revealed the existence of countless other laws that were still closed. Some of them are not explained, despite human efforts to explain, others cannot be explained due to the limitations of human strength and abilities. It seems, the eloquent and intelligent professor Solovyov told us 544, giving an introduction to chemistry, we study this science in order to find out that we know nothing, and cannot know anything: it opens such an immense field of knowledge before the eyes of the mind! So the knowledge we have acquired in this field is insignificant! It proves and convinces with tactile clarity that matter, although it, as a substance, must have its own boundaries, cannot be comprehended and defined by man, both due to its vastness and for many other reasons. Chemistry monitors the gradual refinement of matter, bringing it to a subtlety barely accessible to human senses; in this subtle state of matter it still sees complexity and the ability to decompose into more subtle components, although decomposition itself is no longer possible. Man sees no end to the refinement of matter, as well as to the increase in numbers and measures. He comprehends that the infinite must also be immaterial; on the contrary, everything finite must of necessity also be material. But this is an indefinite idea; its existence is determined. Then physics and chemistry revolve in one substance, expanding knowledge about its use for the temporary, earthly needs of man and human society. Less positive than the sciences mentioned is philosophy, of which fallen man is especially proud. Natural sciences constantly rely on material experience; they prove the correctness of their accepted theories, which without this proof have no place in science. Philosophy is deprived of a decisive means of constant persuasion by experience. Many different systems, disagreeing with each other, contradicting one another, already expose human wisdom in the lack of positive knowledge of the Truth. What scope is given in philosophy to arbitrariness, dreaminess, fiction, grandiloquent nonsense, intolerant of exact, definite science! With all this, philosophy is usually very satisfied with itself. With its deceptive light, abundant conceit, arrogance, exaltation, vanity, and contempt for neighbors enter the soul. The blind world showers her with praise and honor as if it were one of its own. He who is satisfied with the knowledge provided by philosophy not only does not receive correct concepts about God, about himself, about the spiritual world; but, on the contrary, it becomes infected with perverse concepts, corrupting the mind, making it incapable, as infected and damaged by lies, to communicate with the Truth (2 Tim. 3:8). “Do not understand the world by the wisdom of God” (1 Cor. 1:21), says the Apostle. “The wisdom of the flesh is death,... the wisdom of the flesh is enmity against God: for it is not subject to the law of God, for it can do anything less” (Rom. 8:6-7), because this is not characteristic of him. “Brethren, take heed, lest anyone deceive you with philosophy and vain flattery, according to the tradition of men, according to the elements of the world, and not according to Christ, in Him are all the hidden treasures of wisdom and understanding” (Col. 2:8, 3). Philosophy, being the offspring of the fall of man, flatters this fall, disguises it, preserves and nourishes it. She fears the teaching of the Truth as a death sentence for herself (1 Cor. 3:18). The state into which our spirit is brought by philosophy is a state of self-delusion, soul-destruction, which is quite clear from the above words of the Apostle, who commands everyone who wants to acquire true knowledge from God to reject the knowledge delivered by the wisdom of fallen humanity. “Let no one deceive himself,” he says, “if anyone thinks he is wise in you in this world, let him be, for he will be wise” (1 Cor. 3:18). True philosophy (philosophy) is combined in the single teaching of Christ. “Christ is the Wisdom of God” (1 Cor. 1:24, 30). “Without Christ there is no truth, no sanctification, no deliverance, and all wisdom without Christ is violence. Every wise man without Christ is foolish, every righteous man is a sinner, every pure man is unclean... What is our own? - weakness, corruption, darkness, anger, sins" 545. Whoever seeks wisdom outside of Christ denies Christ, rejects wisdom, acquires and assimilates a false mind, the property of rejected spirits. Geography, geodesy, linguistics, literature, other sciences, all the arts are not worth mentioning: they are all for the earth; The need for them for a person ends with the end of earthly life, for the most part much earlier. If I use all the time of my earthly life to acquire knowledge that ends with earthly life: what will I take with me beyond the limits of gross matter?... Science! Give me, if you can give me, something eternal, positive, give me something inalienable and true, worthy of being called the property of a person! - The sciences were silent. For a satisfactory answer, for an answer that is essential and vital, I turn to faith. But where are you hiding, true and holy faith? I could not recognize you in fanaticism, which was not imprinted with Gospel meekness; he breathed with fervor and exaltation! I could not recognize you as a self-willed teaching, separating from the Church, forming its own new system, vainly and arrogantly proclaiming the acquisition of a new, true Christian faith, eighteen centuries after the incarnation of God the Word 546. Oh! In what grave bewilderment my soul floated! how she languished terribly! What waves of doubt arose against her, born from distrust of myself, from distrust of everything that was noisy and screaming around me - from ignorance, failure to see the truth. And I often began, with tears, to beg God that He would not give me up as a victim of error, that He would show me the right path along which I could direct an invisible procession to Him with my mind and heart. Suddenly a thought appears to me... my heart is drawn to her, as if into the arms of a friend. This thought inspired us to study faith in the sources - in the writings of the Holy Fathers. “Their holiness,” she told me, “vouches for their loyalty: elect them as your leaders.” - I obey. I find a way to receive the writings of the holy saints of God; I begin to read them with thirst and study them deeply. Having read some, I take on others, read, re-read, study. What first of all struck me in the writings of the Fathers of the Orthodox Church? – This is their agreement, a wonderful, majestic agreement. Eighteen centuries, in their mouths, unanimously testify to a single teaching, the Divine teaching! When on a clear autumn night I look at the clear sky, dotted with countless stars; of such different sizes, emitting a single light, then I say to myself: such are the writings of the Fathers. When on a summer day I look at the vast sea, covered with many different ships with their spread sails, like white swan wings, ships running under the same wind, towards one goal, towards one pier, then I say to myself: these are the writings of the Fathers. When I hear a harmonious, numerous choir, in which various voices in graceful harmony sing a single Divine song, then I say to myself: these are the writings of the Fathers. What teaching do I find in them, by the way? – I find a teaching repeated by all the Fathers, the teaching that the only way to salvation is unwavering adherence to the instructions of the Holy Fathers. “Have you seen,” they say, “someone seduced by false teaching, who perished from the wrong choice of exploits, know: he followed himself, his reason, his opinions, and not the teaching of the Fathers,” 547 from which the dogmatic and moral tradition of the Church is compiled. She feeds them to her children, like priceless possessions. This thought was sent by God, from Whom every good gift is given, from Whom a good thought is the beginning of all good. This is what the Fathers say, this is clear from the very essence of the matter 548. This thought was for me my first refuge in the land of truth. Here my soul found rest from the excitement and winds. A good, saving thought! Thought is a priceless gift from the all-good God, who wants all people to be saved and come to the knowledge of the truth! This thought became the main stone for the spiritual creation of my soul! This thought became my guiding star! She began to constantly illuminate for me the difficult and sorrowful, narrow, invisible path of mind and heart to God. – I looked at the religious world from this thought, and saw: the cause of all delusions lies in ignorance, in oblivion, in the absence of this thought. Such are the blessings with which my God has granted me! Such is the incorruptible treasure, guiding me into a blissful eternity, sent down to me from above from the heavenly throne of Divine mercy and Wisdom. How can I thank the Benefactor? - Unless I dedicate my entire earthly life to research and search for Him, to serving Him! But will I repay gratitude with this? - I’ll just do myself a new, greatest benefit. God, God Himself, with a good thought has already separated me from the vain world. I lived in the middle of the world, but was not on a common, wide, angled path: a good thought led me along a separate path, to living, cool springs of water, through fruitful countries, through picturesque terrain, but often wild, dangerous, crossed by abysses, extremely solitary. A traveler rarely travels along it. Reading the Fathers convinced me with complete clarity that salvation in the depths of the Russian Church is undeniable, which the religions of Western Europe are deprived of, as they have not preserved intact either the dogmatic or moral teachings of the primal Church of Christ. It revealed to me what Christ did for humanity; what is the fall of man, why is a Redeemer necessary, what is the salvation delivered and delivered by the Redeemer. It kept telling me: I must develop, feel, see salvation in myself, without which faith in Christ is dead, and Christianity is a word and a name without its implementation! It taught me to look at eternity as an eternity, before which even a thousand-year earthly life is insignificant, not only ours, measured in some half-century. It taught me that earthly life should be spent in preparation for eternity, just as one prepares on the threshold to enter the magnificent royal palaces. It showed me that all earthly activities, pleasures, honors, advantages are empty toys with which adult children play and lose the bliss of eternity. What does everything earthly mean before Christ? before Christ, the omnipotent God, Who gives Himself as an estate, as an eternal gift and property to a speck of dust - to man?... The visible world is not worth serving him and being occupied with! How does he reward his servants? First with toys; then the grave, decay, the dark uncertainty of the future, the sobbing of neighbors and soon oblivion by them. The servants of Christ have other rewards: they spend their life here studying the truth, educating themselves with it. Those transformed by it are sealed by the Holy Spirit, enter into eternity, already briefly acquainted with eternity, having prepared for themselves bliss in it, informed of salvation: “The Spirit of God,” says the Apostle, “tests all things, even the depths of God” (1 Cor. 2:10): He communicates their knowledge to His participants. The Holy Fathers set this out with complete clarity in their sacred writings. The heart has grown cold towards the world, towards its services, towards its greatness, towards its sweetness! I decided to leave the world, to devote my earthly life to the knowledge of Christ, to assimilate Christ. With this intention, he began to consider the monastic and lay clergy. And here labor met me; it was increased for me by my youth and inexperience. But I saw everything up close, and upon entering the monastery, I did not find anything new or unexpected. There were so many obstacles to this entry! – I’ll leave mentioning everyone; my very body cried out to me: “Where are you taking me? I'm so weak and sick. You have seen monasteries, you have become briefly acquainted with them: life in them is unbearable for you, both because of my weakness, and because of your upbringing, and for all other reasons.” Reason confirmed the arguments of the flesh. But there was a voice, a voice in the heart, I think, the voice of conscience, or perhaps a Guardian Angel, telling me the will of God: because the voice was decisive and commanding. He told me: “To do this is your duty, an indispensable duty!” The voice was so strong that the ideas of the mind, the pitiful, solid, apparently convictions of the flesh seemed insignificant before it. Without impulse, without ardor, like a slave, carried away by an irresistible feeling of the heart, by some incomprehensible and inexplicable calling, I entered the monastery. I entered the monastery, as an astonished man rushes, closing his eyes and putting aside reflection, into the fire or the abyss - as a warrior, carried away by his heart, rushes into a bloody battle, to obvious death. The star, my guide, my good thought, came to shine for me in solitude, in silence, or more correctly, in the darkness, in the storms of the monastery. According to the teachings of the Fathers, monastic living, the only one appropriate for our time, is living under the guidance of the Fathers' writings with the advice of successful, modern brethren; this advice must again be verified according to the scriptures of the Fathers. The fathers of the first centuries of the Church especially advise to seek a God-inspired leader, to surrender to him in perfect, unconditional obedience; they call this path, as it is, the shortest, most durable, most God-loving. The Fathers, separated from the time of Christ by a millennium, repeating the advice of their predecessors, are already complaining about the rarity of God-inspired mentors, about the many false teachers that have appeared, and offer the Holy Scriptures and the Fathers’ writings for guidance. Fathers close to our time call God-inspired leaders the heritage of antiquity, and already resolutely bequeathed the Holy and Holy Scriptures to the leadership, verified according to these Scriptures, the advice of modern and cohabiting brethren accepted with the greatest prudence and caution. I desired to be under the guidance of a mentor; but I was not able to find a mentor who would completely satisfy me, who would be animated by the teaching of the Fathers. However, I heard a lot of useful things, a lot of essentially necessary things, which turned into the main principles of my spiritual edification. May the Lord rest in a green place, in a place of coolness, in a place of light and bliss, the departed benefactors of my soul! May He grant greater spiritual success and a prosperous death to those still in the field of earthly wandering and toil! Here I will say my wretched word about Russian monasteries, the word is the fruit of many years of observation. Maybe, written on paper, it will be useful for someone! - Monastic life, like Christian life in general, has weakened; Monastic life has weakened because it is in inextricably linked with the Christian world, which, separating weak Christians into monasticism, cannot demand from monasteries strong monks like the ancients, when Christianity, which lived in the middle of the world, abounded in virtues and spiritual strength. But monasteries, as an institution of the Holy Spirit, emit rays of light on Christianity; there is still food there for the pious; there is also the storage of the Gospel commandments there; there is also strict, dogmatic and moral Orthodoxy; there, although rarely, extremely rarely, the living tablets of the Holy Spirit are found. It is remarkable that all spiritual flowers and fruits grew in those souls who, at a distance from acquaintance outside and inside the monastery, cultivated themselves by reading Scripture and the Holy Fathers, with faith and prayer, animated by humble but powerful repentance. Where there was no such cultivation, there was sterility. What is the exercise of monks, for which is monasticism itself? It consists in studying all the commandments, all the words of the Redeemer, in assimilating them to the mind and heart. The monk becomes a spectator of two human natures: the damaged, sinful nature, which he sees in himself, and the renewed, holy nature, which he sees in the Gospel. The Decalogue of the Old Testament cut off gross sins; The Gospel heals nature itself, which is sick with sin and has acquired sinful properties through its fall. A monk, in the light of the Gospel, must enter into a struggle with himself, with his thoughts, with the feelings of his heart, with the sensations and desires of his body, with a world hostile to the Gospel, with the rulers of the world who are trying to keep a person in their power and captivity. Almighty Truth sets him free (John 8:32); liberated from the slavery of sinful passions, the all-good Holy Spirit imprints, renews, introduces into the offspring of the New Adam. The perfection of Christianity is achieved in monasticism, and monks serve as a light for their brethren, living in the middle of the world, busy, distracted by its cares and ministries, unable to delve deeply into the Gospel or revive it in themselves in the proper development and completeness. He can only easily, or with contempt, think about monasticism who, while calling himself a Christian, has the most superficial, dead concept of Christianity. In order for the gospel qualities to strengthen and mature in a monk, sorrows and temptations are certainly necessary. His meekness must be tested; his humility must be tested; patience and faith are tested. It must be tested - is the Gospel, the words and commandments of Christ, in which eternal life is dearer to him, are they dearer to the advantages, conveniences and customs of the world, are they dearer to life itself? At first, entering into temptation seems difficult; but without them it is impossible to learn forgiveness of all insults, love for enemies, vision of God’s providence in everything, these highest, final, in relation to one’s neighbor, commandments of the Gospel. If the inner man is not formed by all the commandments, then he cannot become the dwelling place of the Holy Spirit. “I was attracted by the Spirit,” says Saint David, “because I desired Your commandments” (Ps. 119:131). Without the descent of the Spirit, there is no Christian perfection. Sorrows and temptations are recognized by the Holy Scriptures and the Fathers as the greatest gift of God, serving as preparatory training for silence, in which the monk achieves the most precise purification, and therefore the most abundant enlightenment. The Fathers compare the monk's sorrows preceding his entry into silence with the sufferings of Christ before the cross, and silence - with crucifixion on the cross and burial, which will be followed by the resurrection. I learned this in good time from the writings of the Fathers. The sacred order, the sacred system, which Divine Providence outlined for the servants of God, struck me with surprise. I was drawn by my heartfelt love to contemplate the wonderful system. I especially liked the teaching of Barsanuphius the Great on this subject. It seemed to me that it was spoken to me: it was assimilated by itself into my soul. “Hearing the words of the Apostle: “in everything give thanks” (1 Thessalonians 5:18), “prepare to give thanks for everything,” the Great One wrote to one of his disciples, whom he was preparing in the crucible of the community for living in seclusion, “and whether you are in sorrows, or needs, or in oppression, or in illnesses and physical labors, give thanks to God for everything that befalls you. I hope that you too will reach Him “into rest” (Heb. 4:3): for “through many tribulations it is fitting for us to enter into the kingdom of God” (Acts 14:22). So, do not doubt in your soul, and do not relax in your heart for any reason, but remember the Apostle’s word: “Even if our outer man decays, yet the inner man is renewed all the days” (2 Cor. 4:16). If you do not endure suffering, you will not be able to ascend to the cross. When you first endure suffering, you will enter into a haven of peace, and you will be silent without any worries, having a soul established in the Lord and always clinging to Him” 549. Another brother expressed his desire for silence before the Great One. The Great One answered him: “Brother! a person who has debts, if he does not pay his debts first, remains a debtor everywhere he goes, wherever he settles down, whether in a city or a village. Nowhere does he have the opportunity to live in peace. When, due to his debts, he is insulted by people, and, being ashamed, gets money from anywhere and pays off his debts, then, having become free, boldly, with much boldness, he can either stay among human society or live in solitude. Likewise, a monk, when he tries to endure insults, reproaches, and losses according to his strength, then he learns humility and spiritual achievement. For his humility and deed, his sins are forgiven, as Scripture testifies: “See my humility and my labor, and forgive all my sins” (Ps. 24:18). Think how many insults and reproaches our Lord Jesus Christ suffered before the cross: having endured them, He ascended to the cross. Likewise, no one can achieve true and fruitful silence, no one can ascend into the holy rest of perfection, unless he first suffers with Christ and endures all His sufferings, remembering the instruction of the Apostle: “If we suffer with Him, we will also be glorified with Him” (Rom. 8:17). Do not be deceived: there is no other way to salvation except this. May the Lord help you, according to His will, to lay a solid foundation for your building on solid stone, as He commanded in the Gospel. “The stone... is Christ” (1 Cor. 10:4)” 550. Soon after I entered the monastery, sorrows poured over me like cleansing water. There were internal battles, and invasions of disease, and oppression by need, and shocks from one’s own ignorance, inexperience, and imprudence; the sorrows from people were moderate. To test them, a special field was needed. By the incomprehensible destinies of Providence, I was placed in that monastery neighboring the northern capital, which, when I lived in the capital, I did not even want to see, considering it completely inconsistent with my spiritual goals. In 1833 I was summoned to the Sergius Hermitage and made its rector. The monastery of Sergius Hermitage received me inhospitably. In the first year after arriving in it, I was struck by a serious illness, the next year by another, the third by a third: they took away the remnants of my meager health and strength, made me exhausted, constantly suffering. Here envy, slander, and slander rose and hissed; here I was subjected to severe, prolonged, humiliating punishments, without trial, without the slightest examination, like a dumb animal, like an insensitive idol; here I saw enemies breathing with irreconcilable malice and thirst for my destruction; here the merciful Lord vouchsafed me to know the joy and peace of the soul inexpressible in words; here He vouchsafed me to taste spiritual love and sweetness while I met my enemy, who was looking for my head, and the face of this enemy became in my eyes, as if the face of a bright Angel. I learned through experience the mysterious meaning of Christ’s silence before Pilate and the Jewish bishops. What a joy it is to be a victim like Jesus! Or not! What a joy it is to be crucified near the Savior, as the blessed thief was once crucified, and together with this thief, from the conviction of the soul, to confess: “I am worthy because of my deeds:... remember me, O Lord,... in Thy kingdom” (Luke 23:41–42). Having reached the age of forty, destroyed by illness, shaken by many sorrows, weakened, unable, due to the very exhaustion of my bodily strength, to live an active life, what can I say about my fate? “I don’t see a person before me whose fate would be desirable and enviable for me.” I am a sinner worthy of executions, both temporary and eternal; but the lot of no man is enviable to me. When I look at my sins, they fill me with horror; but even for terrible sinners there is a Redeemer. Lords of the earth, Shepherds of the Church, Fathers and Brothers! I am no longer fit to serve you. What kind of service is capable of one who is bound by illnesses, chained to his bed by them, kept hopelessly in his cell? Cast me out, cast me out as an indecent slave, serving only as a burden for you! I will not disturb you with any requests, with any concern for me. I don’t need a garden with luxurious shade and fragrant flowers; many servants are not needed; A humble monk will serve me for the sake of the name of Christ; he will send me a Christ-lover for food and clothing; I don’t need vast chambers, I don’t need any amusement, no earthly entertainment. Let me go, let me go, sick, incapable of anything! I will find myself a little-known refuge, secluded and quiet, far from the noise of the capital, far from cities and villages: there I will drag out my days alone until my grave. My illness makes the silence of solitude necessary for me. You will want to know, is there really no desire lurking in my soul? - I can satisfy your curiosity. I am a sinner: I thirst for repentance. I leave people: they are blind instruments in the almighty right hand of Providence; carry out what He commands or allows. By addressing people, I wanted to bring a tribute of love and respect for one’s neighbor, a most pleasant tribute, delighting the heart of the one bringing it. The world, busy with its vanity, its worries, entertainment and prosperity, will not even pay attention to my words: for it the voice of a soul that has felt the need for repentance and silence is incomprehensible, strange. Incomprehensible, all-powerful, all-good, all-wise God and my Lord, Creator and Savior! In tears and dust before You, an insignificant speck of dust - I, called by You to existence, sensation, allowed to think, desire! You see my heart; Do you see whether in its hidden depths there is a word stored that I intend to pronounce with my mind and lips! You know before I ask what I want to ask for; It has already been decided in Your destinies whether to fulfill or reject my request. But You have given me autocracy, and I dare to bring before You, to pronounce before You the desire of my accursed, my distressed, my ulcerated heart! Do not listen to my heart, do not listen to the words of my prayer, do not do according to my will; but do what You please, what Your all-holy, all-wise will chooses and appoints for me. However, I will say the desire of my heart; I will express in words the desire of my autocracy!... “Open the doors of repentance for me, O Lover of Mankind!” I lived my life as a prodigal, I reached the eleventh hour; all my strength is exhausted; I cannot perform the commandments and services with my weakened body: grant me to bring You at least repentance, so that I do not have to leave the hotel of the world alien to all hope. You see my weakness, the weakness of soul and body! I cannot stand against the face of passions and temptations! Lead me into solitude and silence, so that there I can immerse myself entirely, mind, heart, and body, in repentance... I thirst for repentance!... Merciful Lord, quench my unquenchable, consuming thirst: grant me repentance! You who poured out so many, countless blessings on me, complete and fill them with the gift of repentance! Lord All-Holy! Do not deprive me of the gift, for which, in my madness, I have been begging You for so long, not knowing what I am asking, not knowing whether I am capable of receiving the gift, not knowing whether I will keep it if I receive it. One of Your servants, sanctified and enlightened by the Holy Spirit, said: “Outside silence there is no true repentance” 551. This word struck my sinful soul, stuck in my memory, pierces me like a sword, every time the memory is renewed. Not seeing repentance in myself, I am perplexed; I force myself to repentance, but I involuntarily encounter worries and entertainment - they rob me of repentance. I can’t keep him in the midst of rumors and confusion: he leaves, slips away, leaves me with emptiness and hopelessness. Most merciful Lord! Grant me the repentance brought by silence, constant repentance, repentance that can cleanse the defilements of soul and body, the repentance that You have granted to all whom You have chosen and called to Yourself, whose names are appointed to be included in the book of life, to whom You have determined to forever behold Your glory and forever glorify Your mercy. The gift of repentance is dearer and more desirable to me than the treasures of the whole world. Purified by repentance, may I see Your immaculate will, the infallible path to You, and may I proclaim them to my brethren! - You, my sincere friends, connected with me by bonds of friendship in the Lord, do not complain about me, do not grieve over my departure. I move away in body to draw closer in spirit; Apparently I am lost to you, but in essence you gain me. Commit me to repentance: it will return me to you purified, enlightened, and I will proclaim to you the word of salvation, the word of God. - “Open the door of repentance for me,” loving Lord, grant me eternal salvation with all my friends who have loved me in You, and all in eternal bliss, in joy and unspeakable pleasure, let us glorify the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, God, the One and Trinitarian, who has shown the human race love and mercy that surpasses words, that exceeds comprehension! Amen. 1847, January 7th day. At this time, Archimandrite Ignatius, due to completely disturbed health, asked for dismissal from the post of rector of St. Sergius Hermitage and relocation to the Nikolaev Babaevsky Monastery to retire, but was dismissed on leave, and spent ten months in the mentioned monastery. Professor of St. Petersburg University Mikhail Feodorovich Solovyov taught physics in the lower and chemistry in the upper officer classes of the main Engineering School, now the Nikolaev Academy. Saint Tikhon of Voronezh, Volume 15, letter 11. Here we point out some religious parties that attracted the attention of the northern capital in 1823 and 1824. Venerable Abba Dorotheos, Teaching 5. Saint John Chrysostom, 7 prayer for the coming sleep, 2 halves of the petition 4. Saint Isaac of Syria, Homily 41. You might be interested in: