О душевном страхе

I, sinful Ephraim, am weak and lazy in spiritual struggle; at least, I tell you, my ascetics, my God-loving brothers, how I am constantly overcome by the weakness of my reason. I want to announce to you, my beloved, the great fear and trembling of my soul in which I, poor and absent-minded, was one day. I sat alone in one not noisy, but silent and sublime place, reflected with myself and went over this life, its worries, confusion, prayer and, crying, began to say to myself: “Why does this life pass like a shadow, run through, “a light fleeter” (Job 9:25), and wither like a morning flower?” “And, saddened and sighing, I said: “We don’t know how this century passes. Why, out of their weakness, are they bound by obscene deeds and thoughts? Thinking about this with myself, I suddenly raised my eyes to the sky and seemed to go into a frenzy. Great fear fell upon me, and with the eyes of my heart I saw the Lord sitting in great glory, and He spoke to my soul like this: “Why did you, soul, abhor your heavenly palace, which is filled with the light of glory? Why do you, my soul, my bride, hate the Most Pure and Immortal Bridegroom? Why did you, soul, abhor the blessings that I have prepared for you in the light of life? Why have you, soul, become alien to Me with your obscene deeds and thoughts? Why are you, soul, not concerned to appear to Me at My coming? Why, O soul, do you not hold your lamp, waiting for the cry when they say: “Behold, the Bridegroom comes; come ye out to meet Him” (Matthew 25:6), with joy? Why did you, soul, not hasten to prepare decent attire for the wedding? Why do you, soul, not enter the holy and heavenly palace with joy? Why do you, soul, hate Me, the Good One, who redeemed your life from death? For you, soul, I entered into communication with death in order to equip you with Myself as a bride. As your inheritance, soul, I unenviably gave you the Kingdom. I have communicated all My blessings to you, O soul, as a King. For you, soul, I became a man, wanting to redeem your life from corruption. Your life, soul, I have honored and exalted above all My works. For you, soul, I have prepared a palace in heaven and have angels serve you in this palace, which I have prepared for you to enter there with joy. And you, soul, abhorred the Heavenly Bridegroom and the ineffable blessings that I have prepared for you. And who is more desirable than Me, Who saves every creature with His bounties? What kind of father gives life as I give? And have you forsaken Me, O soul, having loved what is alien and hated?” With great fear, brothers, I was afraid at that hour, delving into the terrible words of the Lord with the eyes of my mind and seeing the great shame of my soul. I was horrified and trembling, lost strength from fear and great confusion, thinking: “Where can I hide, not enduring the shame of this shame?” - and said: “You mountains, cover the sinner and the wicked!” - And, raising his voice, he began to cry, bowing his head down in shame and shedding tears for himself, saying: “Why did I come out of my mother’s womb to irritate the holy, good and merciful Lord? I did not take advantage of my conception in the womb and my bodily growth, I did not take advantage of the heavenly gifts and holy healings of Your grace!” However, I fell down crying, with sickness and lamentation of my heart, I asked and cried out in tears, saying this: “Hear, Master, my cry and accept the words of my prayer, which the sinner brings to You, long-suffering, ashamed of You, the merciful and generous! Do not deal with me according to all my deeds, do not remember those bitter griefs with which I irritated Your grace, All-Blessed Master! But it is better for me, a sinner, to grant me some time to have an opportunity to repent, O good Lover of Mankind. Your grace tolerated the iniquities of my youth, of which there were a great many. Let Your grace now endure disgust (alienation), grief, and the rashness of passion. I myself know, O Long-suffering One, the oath in which You swore by Yourself, saying: “As I live, says...the Lord, I do not want the death of the sinner” (Ezek. 33:11) and the wicked, but rather to save the sinner from all the iniquities that he has committed. By Your bounty, O generous, kind, humane-loving Master, You swore that You do not want the sinner to die, but to “turn... and live to be him” (Ezek. 33:11). Have mercy on me, a sinner who conjures You with Your mercy, have mercy, be generous, forgive me and do not impute to me the rashness of my vows. You Yourself, who searches the hearts and bellies, and even all the thoughts of men, know, O Lord, that because of bitter spiritual sorrow I dared to say this before You. Look, Christ the Savior, at the source of my tears, at the contrition and sighing of my unworthy soul; Let Your mercy come and cover me before this terrible command comes and overtakes me, unprepared and confused. But it would be better if Your grace gives me some time for true repentance. A sinner who sheds tears cannot be despised, O Most Merciful One, by Thy grace, which grants forgiveness to every soul that comes and asks for the forgiveness of sins committed by it. You, Holy and Good, listened to my voice and my tearful sobbing, and had mercy on me. Look now, too, Long-suffering, as Good, so that I too can bear the fruit of repentance. This is why I beg You to grant me time to repent. Always remind me, Savior, and continually draw me to life, so that I may be saved.” As soon as I remember that day and hour in which that sudden fear befell me, I become afraid and shed tears with sighs. And soon I again forget about everything - about prayer, and about tears, and about fear, and about the time of repentance given to me by the grace of God. Why does this happen to me? Why this dryness of heart, this carelessness, this forgetfulness? Why do I suddenly become a shameless and fearless, absent-minded and angry person, who has neither fear nor the future Judgment before his eyes? Is God really not righteous, or does he not want to heed my deeds? Let this not happen! I beg you all, my God-loving friends, to pray for me, a sinner and insignificant, generous and humane God. This is why I told you what happened to me, so that I might be worthy of God’s mercy. I know that if you want, you can help a sinner with your prayers and petitions to God. I know that the prayer of many was able to deliver the apostles from prison, bonds and death. How much more will you be able to deliver the sinner and the wicked from death? Help, you who fear the Lord, pour out your prayer for me, so that the grace of God may shine in my soul and enlighten my darkened mind, and so that through the assistance of your prayers I may become ready and worthy of repentance. And may all my bitterness be sweetened by the grace that has descended into my soul, for the manifestation of grace brings delight, silence and contrition. Waves of grace and illumination of the Holy Spirit become pleasant to the heart, and the soul suddenly forgets everything earthly, carnal harmful passions. And finally, these waves of grace warm the mind and soul. They are likened in the soul to a royal garden, which is full of fruitful trees and beautiful fruits, having different tastes, fragrances, pleasantness, delight to the eyes, attractiveness to the mouth and smell. These are the waves of grace: they enlighten, delight, and amuse. Blessed are the deeds of the soul that has within itself waves of grace. She is enlightened, delighted, happy, filled with contemplation and fragrance. I will also say: blessed is the soul that has all these gifts within itself. Such a soul does not look at anything on earth, but is given into captivity to God, because the sweetness and pleasantness of the bridal chamber does not allow it to spin in the world. Here again I fall at the door of my Master, asking, begging, bowing and constantly saying: “Forgive me my sins, Long-suffering One!” - For a slave, when he sins against his master, it is not good to run away from his hands; It is best to be before him with all the humility of your heart. In this case, people usually forgive ministers for their misdeeds. And if people, being mortal and wicked, forgive their sins to slaves like themselves, then how much more will the holy and good Master, Creator and Lord of us all, most merciful and generous, long-suffering and abundantly merciful, forgive the iniquities and sins of sinners who always fall before Him? For He is a treasure of mercy, requires from us even a little zeal, and soon gifts and enriches those who seek Him with complete contrition. This treasure is like a full-flowing spring that gushes out in abundance and supplies water to everyone who wants to draw without depletion. It is proper (necessary) for someone standing at such a source to say that it is similar to the bounties of God. For just as the source does not prevent anyone who wants to draw from it, so the treasure of grace does not prevent any person from becoming a partaker of it. Therefore, if there is a desire to accept grace, then even if someone wishes to take a small share of the treasure, those who seek will find a whole treasure of grace. Draw, then, beloved, gifts from the source that flows from heaven, for such a time and such a day will come that it will no longer be possible for anyone to drink from it. Therefore, we all, humans, beg Your immeasurable love for mankind, Holy Master, give us time of repentance and forgiveness of sins, so that with a pure heart we can serve You all the days of our life and, having pleased You with good deeds, be honored not only to pass (end) our life, but also to enter into Your eternal bliss, which You have prepared for all Your saints, those who please To you in every kind. Remember me, you heirs of God, brothers of Christ. Relentlessly propitiate the Savior for me, so that with the help of Christ I can get rid of the one who attacks me daily. Glory to the Holy Trinity forever and ever! Amen. You might be interested in: