Глава 9. Духовное окормление старцем иеромонахом Леонидом двух из ближайших к нему учеников, о. Павла (Тамбовцева) и Алексея Поликарповича Бочкова, в ответах Старца на их вопросы

A few words about Fr. Pavle (Tambovtsev) The student’s questions and the Elder’s answers presented here are the cell notes of one of the Elder’s students, Fr. Leonid, Pavel Petrovich Tambovtsev. He was a native of the Kursk province of Belgorod, the son of a wealthy merchant. The education he received was very insufficient according to his natural abilities, but he educated himself by diligently reading the Holy Scriptures and paternal books, and most of all with the advice and instructions of the elder Fr. Leonidas, engaged in the copying of the works of Sts. The ascetic fathers and from time to time, under the dictation of the Elder, writing down answers to his many spiritual children. For all his perplexities, he asked the Elder for a solution, and Fr. Leonid answered with clarity and experience, which distinguished him from all other brethren. And this experience was the fruit of countless sorrows he endured, observation and extraordinary memory, which retained everything he read and heard, as was said above. The Elder did not expel those who came, according to the word of Christ; and he explained to his disciples the hidden secrets of the wisdom of God. Father Pavel (Tambovtsev) was one of his fiery and zealous pupils, who caught drops of grace from the Elder’s lips, kept them in his warm heart and conveyed them somewhat enthusiastically with his tongue; but he could not explain himself otherwise, due to the enthusiastic mood of his mind. The life of this young man was short, which he ended in the 26th year (August 4, 1835), if not in victory over all passions, then at least in the fight against them, deposed to his deathbed by the greatest sorrow for him. His father, whom he loved and respected excessively, became a suicide. For a Christian believer, what could be more terrible than the thought that the soul closest to him has perished forever? This thought, pursuing the young sufferer everywhere, was beyond his strength. At first he fell into melancholy from the struggle of the spirit, then a spiritual fire ignited his insides, and a fever interrupted his days. According to rites, the skete of Optina Pustyn reads the Psalter day and night in memory of the departed and for the health of benefactors. Paul once read the midnight service in the Baptist Church and, when he began to remember the dead and perform the usual bows, he saw his own likeness at the end of the right choir. He looked at this phenomenon for a long time; finally decided to approach the choir. But as soon as he reached him, the vision disappeared, and fear seized him. Paul immediately left the church, locked the door and went to the Elder; then, waking him up, he told him what he had seen. Father Leonid calmed him down and sent him to finish reading his line. This, by the way, was like a harbinger of his imminent death. Father Paul died in full memory while the Sacrament of Anointing was being performed on him. He looked up attentively and, turning his gaze around in the air, closed his eyes, shuddered and again looked attentively at the object that no one saw. Only everyone could see that he saw the enemies of his soul, who outraged it at the terrible hour of the exodus. Then he closed his eyes, crossed himself, sighed, and his life faded away. On this day he confessed and received the Holy Mysteries of Christ. – Eternal memory to the venerable Elder and obedient disciple! Answers from the elder Fr. Leonida to questions about. Pavel (Tambovtseva) Now let us present to the readers the questions of this obedient disciple and the God-wise answers of the Elder. Which answers, we note, are useful to everyone who is zealous for the salvation of the soul. 1. How should I act when, being in the circle of brethren, I cannot refrain from speaking and, when I speak, I offend someone with my words? – We must remember this voice spoken by the Holy Church to God: Place, O Lord, a guard against my mouth and a guarding door over my lips. Moreover, one must imagine that those who speak do so in a spiritual mind. They deserve it, but you consider yourself unworthy of talking to them; and when they ask you, answer with reverence. When you get carried away by this opposite, repent and try to improve immediately. – You must also behave in such a way that the brethren do not notice in you your excellence in correction. 2. What to do when I see free expression of thoughts in others and am tempted; just as in you, father, sometimes, not seeing the meekness of old age in dealing with others, I am also offended? - It seems so to you because of your inattention and lack of judgment. Should not judge anyone; for you do not know for what purpose they do this, and for what purpose I do this to anyone. Such actions are more likely to reveal the inner human character, and this is necessary for those who breathe contempt. So you're being unfair. Try to be more attentive to yourself, not to analyze the affairs, treatment and actions of others. You came to the school of self-sacrifice to fulfill what was commanded to you, but not to have the right to judge where, when and how to act with whom. 3. I do not see love in the brethren and I do not find interlocutors for the study of any subject from Holy Scripture. “It cannot be that they do not have love,” one must think and rightly conclude. If you don’t see love in them, it’s because you don’t have love in yourself. First show yourself the true traits of love, and then you will see that love dwells with them and is stored abundantly for you. Moreover, we have God’s commandment to love our neighbors sincerely, but to seek love from them is not said anywhere. And that they cannot, or, better said, do not dare to talk with you from Scripture, then you should not seek this with jealousy. Where they have humility, there is simplicity, and this divine branch does not experience the destinies of God; she obeys only by faith and for the time being is content only with those concepts that faith reveals to her. God will not test the novice about why he did not theologize, but why he did not pay attention to himself. God will not abandon them regarding salvation. If it pleases Him, He will reveal to them the secrets of His discernment. And reason, enlightened by the light of God according to the measure of faith, is higher than any teaching, for, naturally, reason invented teaching, and not teaching reason. 4. Why, during my five-year residence in the deserted monastery here, while trying to do something about my own edification, do I feel, on the contrary, that I have really become worse, as evidenced by my imprudent actions, coldness of heart and lack of generosity? “Very rare people, in such a short time, flew with the wings of faith and virtues to the spiritual Heaven, felt in themselves unflattering pledges of hope, the betrothal of future glory. Very few, after short labors, felt a mysteriously consoling reward or flowers of sincere activity in the Lord, promising a gathering of fruits in the highest garden of Jesus Christ. And others have not felt this throughout their entire life on earth and will not feel it, according to the look of the Heavenly Patron God, Who always provides best for us. For we, as if babies, in considering the destinies of the World Ruler, often ask Him for such tools, which in their dignity and power are saving, but due to our lack of skill they can be used by us to complete harm. Why does the loving Father of lights hide from some pious gifts, which bring salvation to some, but bring others closer to destruction? What would happen if God the Omniscient completely fulfilled all our desires? – I think, although I do not claim, that all earthly creatures would have died. Although God does not despise the prayers of His chosen ones, He sometimes does not fulfill their desires, and only in order, according to His Divine intention, to arrange everything better. At the same time, it can be noted that those who live without attention to themselves will never be worthy of a visit from grace; and if, by the sole goodness of God, they are rewarded, it is already before death. But seeing oneself outside of prosperity is not yet complete failure of success. Such feelings can instill sincere humility in the heart. And when you truly have the consciousness that you are deprived of spiritual fruits, then try to relentlessly strengthen your desire for God. When we find ourselves deprived of virtues and therefore have no opinion about ourselves, then this very thing can attract Divine charity, which will strengthen us with hope against the mortal spirit of despair. When we have not succeeded in virtues, then there is no closest means to salvation like humility. Arrogance even in virtues is repugnant to God; but a meek thought before God will not be forgotten. 5. Why did this arise that I lost faith and reverence for your advice, that your edifications ceased to have an effect on my heart, and that everything seems inconvenient for implementation? - Faith is lost from suspicion, reverence from audacity, and the ineffectiveness of edifications on the heart happens because you listen with some curiosity, you think that I make strong transitions from subject to subject and that I solve your questions in simple expressions. Abandon curiosity, maintain moderation in boldness, believe that God guides you in the person of others, do not be arrogant; behave with simplicity of obedience and then you will feel something completely different in your soul. If you do not have prudent simplicity, acquire it not by trust in yourself, but by the memory of your intention - why you came to the monastery; remember that heat, those dispositions of the soul that you felt at the very beginning of God’s visit to your heart, the sacred betrayal of the right hand Vyshny. – For a true novice, with God’s help, there is nothing impossible to accomplish. True selflessness will always feel the saving yoke light. If temptations do not exceed the gifts of God, then anyone who wants to be saved can do anything through the power of the name of the Lord Jesus who strengthens everyone. And this is such a sacred truth that anyone who has any living faith will never doubt. For lack of faith, even a speck of dust seems like a mountain; just as for a believer, rearranging the mountains of temptation is very convenient and easy. 6. How should I act when I am in the circle of the foremost elders of our monastery, who sometimes mention such incidents among themselves in conversations that, hearing them, it is difficult to overcome laughter? - You should think about their words like this: I don’t understand, due to my feeble mind, at what end they say this, and without knowing their purpose, you shouldn’t laugh. If you accidentally and involuntarily smile, blame yourself, remembering the true testimonies of the saints. Father, that nothing breaks the chain of virtues and love of the Gospel so much as laughter and ridicule. Just as the circulation of bad thoughts in the inner feelings deprives the presence of grace, so the exercise of laughter and the tendency to it removes the Guardian Angel; virtues are in vain, being coupled - each with some kind of spiritual vices, and the fence of prosperity is destroyed. And the Savior of the world appointed eternal sorrow to those who delve into laughter: woe to you who laugh now 88. 7. How to get rid of unusually strong feelings of voluptuousness not only in a meeting with the female sex, but also at the mere imagination of it? – When you see them, you should preserve your mind and feelings, especially not say anything without caution, trying to get away as soon as possible, and when imagining, keep your thoughts. Abstinence, or even more accurately, prudent moderation, is beneficial. But first of all, we must beg the Lord Almighty for deliverance from the attacks of this fierce passion, for man himself will never eradicate it. But at our will, the Most Merciful God extinguishes the gusts of this flame. 8. When my mind is forcibly dragged along by thoughts of voluptuousness, how can I get rid of their attack? - Go with your mind to hell, and through the mirror of the Holy Scriptures look at the carnivores. Do you really want the sweetness of eternal destruction for temporary sin? Remember that you are mortal. Humbly ask God, as the conqueror of the passions, to repel these mental arrows of the flesh - this enemy, indomitably rebelling against the law of mind and spirit; for without the Most High we cannot do the slightest good. 9 . What remedy can I use against the thoughts that strongly attract me to condemn my neighbor and especially the one who sensitively insults me, whose actions seem inconsistent with the calling of Christ and impudent, and who also obviously insults other brethren, to which, looking at and taking part in their displeasure, I become more irritated, unable to be peaceful; and not being at peace in spirit means carrying a burden that is harmful to your soul? – When thoughts appear that prompt you to condemn your neighbor for the offense he has inflicted on you, when a furious storm of thought rushes towards mutual vengeance, compare the state of your grief with the former state of grief of the Savior of the world. This angel of great counsel, the Son of God, being without sin, generously endured the greatest sorrows. Shouldn’t we, sinners worthy of punishment, endure sorrowful cases all the more? We must also blame ourselves more. In this case, with the weapon of self-condemnation we will fight against the disturber of our spirit, the invisible Philistine, who is stealing the god-like ark of our soul. On the contrary, we must honor the one who insults us as our benefactor: he is nothing more than an instrument with which God arranges our salvation. In this way, we will honor those who wrong us as benefactors. And when we begin to accustom ourselves to self-accusation, then we will imperceptibly succeed in internal accusation (of ourselves); then our heart, with the help of the Most High, can become soft and meek in the spiritual sense. Man will become a receptacle of grace and spiritual peace. Then the soul will feel a peace that we, in a state of grief, feel or, better said, cannot taste. This world will enlighten the mind of the ascetic. The dawn of spiritual meekness will spread its rays onto the mind, the word, the intelligent feeling. Then he can more easily repel evil, conquer and devote his heart to everything that is only saving. Displeasures will already seem joyful and pleasant. 10. When no holy thought or idea has any effect on a heart that is irritated or given over to insensibility, what should one do in order to soften oneself? – You must isolate yourself, force yourself to pray, to pour out your soul before God. When the waves of insensibility subside somewhat, then look for the reason for such coldness. If it arose from any passion, remove it from yourself. And when this sad bitterness has arisen from impenetrable causes, then ask the Omnipresent to reflect with His grace all the causes of unbelief - the evil offspring of insensibility. 11. How does a cold soul warm up? – The Word of God, prayer, a humble, grateful feeling of the heart towards God in all changes, not only the external state, but also the internal one. 12. Feeling in yourself not only the inclination, but also the very actions of vanity, and wanting to get rid of it, how can you succeed in it? – If you continue obedience with frankness, if you do not in any way urgently persuade your elders to agree with your will and seek their favor towards you, if you completely submit your insignificance before God, then by His almighty grace you can over time get rid of vanity. This passion often extends from youth to old age and to the very grave. She not only pursues the passionate and successful, but sometimes even the perfect, which is why she requires considerable caution. The dispassionate Creator can only eradicate it. ABOUT! since it is difficult to avoid this poison, which kills the fruits and the most mature virtues. 13. When I read the books of Holy Scripture, I note the most edifying sayings. Should this be done and is it useful? - My elder 89, whom, with the help of the Almighty, I obeyed for more than 20 years, forbade me to do this. The notes you assign inconspicuously give rise to traces of arrogance in the heart, traits of the most destructive pride. This is learned from experience. When the God of peace illuminates your memory with true light, then without any comments you will remember where it was written about and to what end. The mind, enlightened by grace, will show you in Holy Scripture everything that is necessary for your salvation. For Scripture, although generally given to us by God as some kind of guidance to prosperity, nevertheless has its divisions. For example: what especially applies to authorities, what to subordinates, what to the elderly, what to middle and young age, what to monks, lay persons, spouses, virgins, etc. But just read books; ask the All-Wise One to inscribe His holy will in your soul. And when you fulfill it with humility, then you will be wise and keenly mindful of the Lord. 14. Seeing a new brother being imprudent in some actions or doing something indecent, should he be corrected? - If you are obliged to pay more attention to yourself, if you do not have the blessing of your boss and recognize yourself as subject to passions, then do not enter into those subjects and cases that do not concern you. Be quiet. Everyone stands or falls for his Lord. Try in every possible way not to be a seducer of your neighbors. Doctor, heal yourself! 90 15. Should the cell rule be followed on Saturday? - It must, excluding holidays and those days on which there are vigils. Bows must be from the waist. 16. If, due to absence or some kind of obedience, I cannot have any other time for cell rule than at the latest, what should I do? - If you are exhausted while away, then calm down - leave the rule, humble yourself and not be embarrassed about it. And when obedience is moderate, try to fulfill your rule, and you will receive considerable benefit from it. However, do this until 10 o'clock. And when this time has passed, then, having read the evening prayers with attention, calm down, saying the Jesus Prayer until you fall asleep, so that you will be more ready for the morning and for the continuation of obedience the next day, if God wills to restore you safely. But this should only apply to novices. 17. I really want to correct myself, but I am always carried away by the desires of my passions. What should one do to overcome them? - Desire, and God Almighty will give you according to your heart; for the beginning and source of virtues is disposition, the desire for good in the Lord. A person cannot overcome passion by himself. This is the work of the right hand of the Most High, the action of Divine power. On our part, we must only directly preserve the holy will given to us by God and, according to it, make an effort to achieve dispassion in the country. And the Most High, without a doubt, will accomplish the feat of those who wish. So, if you want to rise from the grave of passions, then always have attentive thought, care, constant activity, and jealousy about it. Trust in God, who is able to show His power in our weaknesses by His grace, and you will be saved. 18. How to get rid of scattered thoughts in prayer itself? – When praying with your lips, pray also with your mind, that is, enclose your mind in the power of the words of prayer 91. If you get carried away by thinking about any subject, then, feeling your imprudence in that, deepen your attention in prayer. Always do this and you will experience the benefits. Constancy of mind attracts special effects of grace. 19. I am greatly overcome by laziness. How to get rid of it? – If you fight laziness hesitantly, you will never defeat it. And as long as you rise up against it with a firm intention, although not without internal illness, then with the help of God you can win victory. To repel, although to be persecuted, is the sign of a faithful and good warrior; but it is only fitting for one lazy squire to turn the spine. A person must watch himself regarding this vice until his grave, so as not to hear on the last day the most terrible definition of the Heart-Master: a wicked slave and a lazy one!.. The Scripture says: “to him who overcomes,” not to him who overcomes; because without the help of the Most High we cannot completely defeat the enemy, we can never gain any advantage over him. Only the winner is given the crown, and only the one who goes out to fight with the firm intention to fight until his last breath and never leaves his weapon in the moment of the most terrible dangers; even being in involuntary captivity, he does not betray his heart to his enemy. Such a one, although he is sometimes defeated, never weakens his sacred zeal, sacrifices himself steadily with a spirit of hope and therefore succeeds, and for his intention alone is crowned as brave and worthy of heavenly honors. 20. How to get rid of the oppressive spirit of despondency? “You are probably drawn to him by your own will.” If you leave self-discipline and begin every undertaking with God’s blessing, then with the blessing you will reap spiritual peace and other fruits of the Holy Spirit. If you completely abandon your will, you will never feel the oppressive darkness of despondency. The fiercest waves of passions will subside. In their place will arise: clarity of thoughts, silence of thoughts, meekness of spirit, unflattering peace, which will overshadow you and settle in your soul. If you maintain continuous attention and self-observation, you will become like the wise virgins and enter the palace of the immortal Bridegroom. The groom is coming at midnight. Be careful that you do not burden your heart with despondency. Give glory to the Lord to your God, before it even gets dark. Come in the name of the Lord through self-sacrifice if you want to be truly saved. Dejection haunts everyone; even in great people it destroys the saving fruits of sobriety. But in a simple and true novice this should not take place. Whoever has denied himself with trust in God, what will he become sad about when? - In such an enemy, weapons will become scarce at the end 92. 21. I heard about the introduction of some brethren to monasticism, especially those who entered this monastery after me. I, equally wanting to accept the angelic image and not having the blessing of my superior, am very worried and complaining about this, not achieving my goal. How can I regain the peace of mind that was lost through this? – Firstly, you must humbly and without further consideration submit to the will of God. The decision of the chief is the will of the Ruler of all. Therefore, whoever does not obey the boss does not obey the will of God, which governs everything. And whoever does not obey the will of God, sadly exposes himself to the removal of grace, pernicious sadness of the spirit, disorder, disaster and all reckless undertakings. Those who were introduced to monasticism before you should probably be more worthy of veneration. If you wish to receive an external image of angelic betrothal, first strive to become an internal Angel. Without internal monasticism, external monasticism alone will not save you. According to your intention and title, imitate in strength the life of the ancient saints. Fathers, and believe that we are all governed by almighty God. Consider the leader as the executor of His holy and insightful will, for he mysteriously bears the image of Jesus Christ. Having faith in this way, of course, you will not approach your boss recklessly. And do we dare to have an indignant spirit against the Lord Jesus Christ, when even with those who hate the world we are obliged to be peaceful, meek, and submissive? But I won’t talk more about this. If God looks at the heart and will and looks at the deeds of everyone, if He sees all our future actions and the very end of life, then should there be any doubt that He, as the All-Good One, arranges the best for us? God only delights, nature already loses its order; for His grace itself is, without a doubt, above all the wisdom and powers of this world. What God has proposed, no human council can destroy. Of course, God is not pleased that you should be accepted into the rank of angels. If you become worthy of it, then be sure that either before your death you will be worthy of it, or, with permission from the body, from the angels you will be presented to the Lord in the rite of monasticism. This is true. And if you have any faith in your soul that exceeds reason, then you can accept this. But if you do not have such faith, try to believe with St. cry with the Apostle Peter: Lord, add faith to me 93. God sees will. Take as an example the blessed Taisiya, who, having been an indecent woman, instantly, through one decisive self-sacrifice, became a perfect nun. When she had the will to be the only servant of God and unwaveringly betrayed her heart to the leadership of Jesus Christ, and when, with such determination, sensual death befell her on the way, then her companion, the Monk John, who turned her with the help of the Most High from the paths of depravity to the saving path of repentance, to the greatest surprise, saw with a pure soul how the Angels delighted Taisia’s soul, reconciled with God, into the unapproachable light. She had not yet reached the desert, did not know what monastic life consisted of, was not clothed in the image she desired, but, through turning to God and contempt for herself, she was instantly awarded the most merciful judgment of the Lord and resettlement to God’s abodes not made by hands. Wasn’t that why she became a perfect nun? The secret will of the highest mercy wanted to end her days in a moment of decisive will; and now her one good thought is crowned with the deed itself. God will not despise a contrite and humble heart. If you want to have even clearer proof of this, then look with the eyes of humility and faith at that novice who, for his good will and worthy life, immediately after burial was invested by the Angels in the schema, which we see in the history of the Pechersk saints. Fathers. But alas for that schema-monk, from whom the court of God determined to remove the current image, as proof of his inner barrenness! If you, in Christ, clothe yourself in the image of an internal monk, then do not worry much about the external image, although it is not sinful to desire this. The knower of the heart, who always builds the best for us, according to the measure of your faith and deeds pleasing to Him, will arrange for you. Remember the Monk Pimen the Much-Sick. Many monks will turn out to be solely by choice, although in this world they could not, according to the fate of the World Ruler, be tonsured at the hands of mortals. The Monk Pelagia had just received enlightenment and learned the true faith when she wished to bear fruits worthy of repentance. Through the strength of indescribable feats she became a saint, although she was not clothed in a mantle from men. The mantle means tightness, the promise of free poverty, purity, obedience and humility of monastic life; but the mantle of the inner vestment, predestined from the Most High as an eternal reward in Heaven, is the most sacred laying on of the robe of the Holy Spirit. 22. Should we believe dreams that (apparently) vividly represent the future? - It shouldn’t, even if they were valid in their own way; for through the possibility of dreams many were deceived. The wise old man Theostirictus, who composed the Paraklis of the Most Holy Theotokos, trusting in dreams, was finally so seduced that he died. Therefore, he is very skillful who does not believe even the most lively ideas. 23. What does the next dream I saw signify, and does it contain anything worthy of belief? Perhaps it does not deserve attention, but I am obliged to reveal it to the Elder. I suddenly see a light so radiant that it was much greater than the light of the sun. From this radiant radiance came a loud and gentle voice, ordering, as it were, subordinate beings: “Take him (i.e., me) to the cross.” With these words (I don’t know who) they took me and, taking off my clothes, dragged me, as if mentally, to a cross, which I vividly imagined and, it seemed to me, was made of pleasant yellow building wood, sufficient to spread me crosswise on it. But who did this to me? Looking in all directions, I could not notice anything else except noise and the most rapid activity. When they lifted me to the cross, the actors said quietly but clearly: “Give me the nails.” Four nails were offered, each no less than a quarter of an arshin; and then they began to nail my right hand to the cross with one of them. Here I felt the greatest pain, although I wanted in my soul to be crucified. Having such desires of my heart, out of pain, however, I wavered in spirit, and almost expressed with my voice the suffering I felt, but with the help of God, I don’t know how, I managed to resist. When the nail was stabbed into me, after a few minutes I felt relief from the pain, and then I almost didn’t feel it anymore. Then they brought another nail, similar to the first, and began to drive it into my left hand. Here, although I felt pain, it was only incomparably milder than the first. They brought me a third nail, which was intended to nail my right leg to the cross. Seeing how this nail was pointed at me, I was shaken in spirit and wanted to exclaim: “Have mercy!” But, being restrained by the exhaustion of my own spirit, feeling my lack of patience, which, however, was followed in my heart by a greater desire to endure, I turned my mind to Almighty God, having in my soul an inexplicable confidence that He would help me. With such hope, I mentally asked God for strengthening; I trembled, wanted to endure and was afraid of the penalty, consistent with the weakness of my fickle spirit. Indeed, the merciful Lord, although he allowed me to feel terrible pain throughout my whole being, yet in His mercy amazingly strengthened me. They stuck a nail. In spirit I was quite weakened, however, having involuntarily endured the pain, I soon began to feel relief, then a moderate illness, or better yet, just weakness. They brought the fourth nail and with extraordinary desire they stabbed me into my left leg, so that I had no time to imagine or think anything. I believe it was from perceived weakness. But the pain at that time was average, so it seemed to be bearable. Some time later, a second loud voice roared from the exalted light, much clearer than the first, but all accompanied by the spirit of love, tenderness and benevolence: “Put a nail into his very heart (as if pointing at me with a spiritual finger)!” Hearing such a definition and knowing my weakness, I was extremely indignant. My resolve wavered; clouds of terrible thoughts weighed down on me. My heart was either burning with desire or numb with fear. Finally, the determination to devote myself to patience took over. All vague thoughts dissipated, and my mind soared to God with a prayer for help. After this, as if feeling in my heart a promise from the Lord to give me help, with some trepidation, but along with love and gratitude to the strong name of the Heart-Knower, Who is the pain of hearts and all news, I prepared to withstand the effect of the terrible sentence that flew out from the depths of the invisible voice. (All this was done so quickly that it takes more time not only to describe, but also to retell in words). They brought in the fifth nail, which was directly approaching my heart. Judging by its size, it could pierce me right through, and it seems there would still be more than half an arshin left on both sides. While the nail was still approaching my chest, I was ready in the hope of the Power of God. And as soon as I got completely close, I suddenly changed my intention and wanted to exclaim: “For mercy! What is this for?” It seemed to me that as soon as the decree was fulfilled, I would lose my life from an immense illness. They began to hammer the nail against the heart as if with hammers. I felt an extraordinary, so unbearable pain that my spirit was completely crushed. The soul, as if having gathered into itself the weak, amazed forces, left me unconscious on the cross and, flying out of the body, was held for several minutes by some invisible and inexplicable creature. My eyes were deadened and rolled back. The head was bowed, I don’t remember which way. It was a terrible sight! The soul was in me, but it seemed outside the body. Soon, however, it began to seem to me that I was only too exhausted, but my soul was within me. The illness began to moderate, and suddenly no trace of it could be heard. My eyes were instantly opened; but I felt nothing more than that I was on the cross. My poor heart was delighted and filled with such sweetness that neither a thousand great minds, nor I myself, who experienced it, were able to express that indescribable joy. This sweetness, I think, is a cup of offering of premium sweets from the most sweet Ruler of the World, our Lord Jesus Christ. It is only characteristic of Him to have this kind of stamina of manna, and, according to the incomprehensible mystery of His mercy, to bestow It on mortals. But what am I starting to say, crazy one, that expressing my whole life is not enough! Sorry! My heart rejoiced beyond words, and then my eyes, flaming in a peaceful spirit, fell down. I saw myself covered in blood, nailed to a cross. The sweetness delighted my spirit, traces of some kind of amazement remained in my heart, which awakened me from sleep. It is now one hour after midnight. So I came to you immediately. I am surprised, perplexed, happy and horrified. My heart trembles without fear from traces of sweetness and surprise. Tell me, what does this extraordinary dream mean? – The Venerable Barsanuphius the Great writes that Jesus Christ the Lord Himself, an Angel and another person can be imagined by demons not only in a dream, but also in reality: usually Satan is transformed into a bright angel 94 . But the Cross of the Lord, on the power of which, as St. sings. The Church, “the devil does not dare to look, trembles and shakes, unable to look at its power,” he cannot imagine. So the cross you saw in a dream foreshadows the greatest sorrow of any kind, and sweetness - intercession. The more ready you are If you are, you can endure it all the more easily, because you have prepared yourself and are not embarrassed,” exclaims the saint. David. If you are shaken in grief, adhere to the rule: you are confused and do not speak 95. If your grief is excessive, remember the following: endure the Lord, and listen to me 96. For the will of the Lord be done! Go, don't worry. God is faithful! Some time after the dream I had, having learned about the unfortunate violent death of my father, I asked the Elder: I feel that my dream was a harbinger of real, indelible sorrow, although I do not dare attribute it to this subject. The unfortunate death of my parent is a heavy cross for me, which I have seen. Yes, I am now on the cross, whose illnesses will go with me to the grave. Imagining an eternity terrible for sinners, in which there is no longer repentance, I am tormented by the idea of ​​the eternal torment that awaits my parent, who died without repentance. Tell me, father, how can I console myself in real sorrow? - Submit both yourself and the fate of your parent to the will of the Lord, all-wise, all-powerful. Do not test the Highest destinies. Striving with humility to strengthen yourself within the limits of moderate sadness. Pray to the all-good Creator, thereby fulfilling the duty of love and filial duties. But how to pray for such? – According to the spirit of the virtuous and wise: “Seek, O Lord, the lost soul of my father; If possible, have mercy. Your destinies are unsearchable. Do not make this my prayer a sin for me. But Thy holy will be done" 97. – Pray simply, without testing, surrendering your heart to the right hand of the Most High. Of course, it was not God’s will for such a sad death of your parent. But now it is completely in the will of the Mighty One to cast both soul and body into the fiery furnace, Who humbles and exalts, dies and gives life, brings down to hell and exalts. Moreover, He is so merciful, omnipotent and loving that the good qualities of all earthly beings are nothing before His highest goodness. For this reason, you should not be overly sad. You will say: I love my parent, which is why I grieve inconsolably. - Fair enough. But God, without comparison, loved and loves him more than you. This means that you can only leave the eternal fate of your parent to the goodness and mercy of God, who, if he deigns to have mercy, then who can resist him? 97 Answers from the elder Fr. Leonid to questions from Alexei Polikarpovich Bochkov, later Anthony, abbot of the Cheremenets Monastery 1. What is condemnation, and why do the fathers apply condemnation to the Antichrist? “There is condemnation when you, seeing or knowing your brother’s sin or vice, say from your heart: “In my opinion, he is worthy of torture, or execution, or illness.” Then you allegedly become a judge of your neighbor and want to sit on the Throne of the One Judge, Christ; Therefore, because of your proud madness, you are applied to the Antichrist. Otherwise there is slander and slander, but this is not condemnation. Otherwise, there is a temptation when, involuntarily, by natural feeling, the soul is tempted into a shameful deed or word. The silence of the fathers, engaged in internal work, did not know the sins of their neighbors, but saw only their own fall. 2. Can I talk in confession about someone who has sinned with me in word or deed? - Do you really want to repent for him? If he does not want to confess his sin, speak only about his own: those who sinned by slander, or passionate ranting, or anything of the kind. 3. Can I invite the brother to bring repentance to the elder for the verbal sin he has committed together? (The elder smiled). “Your zeal for saving your brother is too great.” I think it’s better to pray, so that the Lord Himself will inspire him. 4. The Fathers say that a detailed explanation of prodigal thoughts and deeds is in vain, that it is enough to explain them in a short general word, that the memory of them defiles the mouth and thoughts. Is this true? - That's true. The fathers were more experienced than us in spiritual matters. But each person has a different rule. Another elder can listen to your confession dispassionately and harmlessly. Yes, and you, let’s say, can confess in detail not very passionately and with contrition and, to your humility, disgrace yourself, therefore detailed confession (albeit rarely) is beneficial. But apparently the elders knew the great mercy of God, which does not want our extreme shame, and therefore they decided to reduce the confession of evil thoughts. Sometimes the devil will inspire them in you, and you will show not your thoughts, but his inspiration, and he will mock you for your good. Sometimes even an old man, who is not very firm, will not take your thoughts out of the ear of his heart. 5. Therefore, it is better to keep silent about evil and blasphemous thoughts against the elder, his life and weaknesses? - What an old man. It is better to remain silent about the details of your thoughts, and just say in general that there were blasphemous thoughts against you. The devil sometimes wants to scold and blaspheme the elder through your lips; and you amuse the devil by becoming his transmitter. If the elder is experienced, then he will explain this to you without getting angry; and if you are weak in strength, you will be indignant, especially if your battle continues for a long time. The elder may reject you for your and his inexperience. The Lord rarely allows a younger person to reprove an elder, although we must love those who reprove us. 6. How can we find out: which thoughts are actually ours and which are from the contrary? “One hermit from Konev told me that, having been engaged in mental attention for a considerable time, he could not distinguish his thoughts from those of the enemy. The enemy, drawing your thought to something, does not say to you: “Go, do this and that,” but as if he thinks for you, and says to you with your thought: “I want to do this and that; I believe that this is useful, and this is harmful; I decided on this and that.” And all this is often not yours, but the enemy’s thoughts, covered by yours or his self. You think these are your thoughts. No, you are only listening to the enemy's suggestions 98. 7. Some priest-theologians require the most subtle confession to cleanse the soul. – Let’s leave them, that’s their business. But can they fulfill their rules, for example, if another has 500 confessors in three hours? 8. Is mental prayer given to everyone? “Whoever the Lord visits through a difficult trial, sorrow, or the deprivation of a loved one from his neighbors, he will involuntarily pray with all his heart and with all his thoughts, with all his mind. Consequently, everyone has a source of prayer; but it opens either by gradual deepening into oneself, according to the teachings of the fathers, or instantly by God’s drill. 9. Some fathers I know have great love for the Mother of God and boast about it. I doubt that they are so diligent. - Yes! Those who pretend to be pleased are doubtful. Sometimes we boast about our prayers, and yet we are far from the Queen of Heaven. Let us praise the Mother of God with Her virtues - purity, humility, and not with our grand praise. 10. What books of Sts. Is it better to read the Fathers: the Climacus, Isaac the Syrian, or Abba Barsanuphius? - Read the words of the saints by deeds. 11. What can you say about the akathists with which others fill their rules? - He who understands the words of the akathist as their hymnist does, and delves into every word, prays or praises in the akathist not without mind. If only he would not attribute to himself and his own mind other people's works and other people's words, psalms or hymns - we are only their readers. Not all who have read the Psalter are Davids, and not all who have read the canons are Damascus. Better is a simple publican prayer, close to all of us. 12. What is the easiest way to escape? Which way? I'm only asking about myself. – Imagine that the Lord Jesus Christ walks the earth with all His human and gospel simplicity. Walking with Him, would you be better than you are now? “After thinking, I answered the Elder: I believe that I would have remained as before, without the special grace of God.” Were there many who followed Christ and fell away? The Elder’s Question: What is the most attractive way to attract the grace of God? Student: I don’t know, Father. Elder: If you were simple-hearted like the apostles, you would not hide your human shortcomings, would not pretend to be especially reverent, would walk without hypocrisy - this path, although it seems easy, is not given to everyone, not everyone understands. And this path is closest to salvation and attracts the grace of God. Unpretentiousness, innocence, frankness of the soul - this is what pleases the humble-hearted Lord. Unless you are like children, you will not enter the Kingdom of God. 13. Why am I annoyed at those who come to you, at their stupidity, at their ignorance, although I know that many take advantage of you? - Because your heart is not broken. He who is sick with love for his neighbor notices little of their stupidity, but prays to the Lord with fear, so that he may be inspired with what to say for the benefit of his neighbor, and carry out the work of advice reverently, as the work of God. Sometimes even after prayer you don’t find a useful answer. Here you are ashamed and damn yourself. With such a feeling of one's own unworthiness, there is no time for human stupidity. I’m ready to tell everyone: pray for me, God’s servant. 14. Why do I sometimes love you as much as I do now (at the same time I had tears in my eyes and my voice trembled), and sometimes I am annoyed with you because of the many people who come to you and give you cold weather? -Will you understand me? - Because you are not yet a monk, but a passing one, not yet torn away from the world. You want to grab my words on the fly, to escape in passing, to quickly learn. That’s why you are delighted, kissing your father’s shoulder or hand. And I’m with Fr. Theodore was towards him without fanaticism 99, but mentally he was ready to bow at his feet with filial respect. Look at Mother Superior Anatolia and M. Arcadia 100. They do not envy those who come to me, they are ready to give up their time and place to everyone, and yet they love me more than you, because they fulfill my words with deeds. Someday the Lord will completely free you from the world? Maybe you will love your neighbor as you love yourself. I don’t wish for you even after that Tabithin dispensation. Explanation of the last words of the elder Fr. Leonida The mentioned M. Tabitha lived in the Borisov maiden hermitage of the Kursk province. and she was not only a strict nun in life, but also a lively old woman, she took part in others and mentored many. But she herself was in an enthusiastic mood of spirit and was looking for something high in spiritual life, not yet completely despising human glory and not having cleansed herself of other passions; she judged the shortcomings of others strictly, probably due to a lack of her own humility. Although she was admonished a lot by the elders, she did not abandon her wrong aspirations and enthusiastic mood; As a result, she fell into the delusion of the enemy and died in mental insanity or semi-insanity. The words of the Elder Fr. Anthony, that perhaps he would love his neighbor as he loved himself, came true more than 30 years after the death of Fr. Leonida. Father Abbot Anthony (Bochkov), having abandoned his abbotship in the Cheremenets Monastery, in 1871 moved to the monastery of the Nikolo-Ugreshsky Monastery, near Moscow. This year, cholera began to worsen in Moscow, and therefore they asked the Ugreshsky abbot to send hieromonks to Moscow to help Moscow priests to give farewell to the sick and dying and to perform funeral services for the dead. Then Fr. Anthony himself expressed a desire to devote himself to this cause of philanthropy and at the beginning of 1872 he moved to the Moscow laborers' hospital, where a special cell was set up for him. For two months, the seventy-year-old elder abbot daily confessed many sick people and communed the Holy Mysteries of Christ, and he himself communed every day; He also performed unction for three people a day, and it happened that six people a day buried the dead, in the cold chapel in winter. Fulfilling all this, Fr. Anthony said about himself that in all his life he had never enjoyed such health and was not so calm in spirit as at this time. Finally, on March 17th, on his former name day, in memory of Alexy the man of God, he himself fell ill with typhus and died on April 5th. He was buried in the Nikolo-Ugreshsky Monastery. Schemamonk Theodore, who was mentioned above. Just say: pray with attention, delving into every word of the prayer. In his time, Elder Hieroschemamonk Ambrose also offered this prayer, in addition to cases similar to the one described, to those Orthodox Christians who asked him: is it possible and how to pray for deceased Catholics and Protestants, as persons close to them for some reason. Those who are attentive to their salvation should especially remember this instruction. A word often used by the Elder. Anatolia is the abbess of the Borisov Hermitage, a woman of extraordinary kindness and a warm heart. Arkadia is the abbess of the Sevsky Monastery, whom the Elder, as if jokingly, called the queen in appearance and dignity.