Декабрь

I thank the Lord, who has deigned me to perform the Divine universal liturgy and the sacrifice of peace, reconciling us with God and uniting us with Him: I thank you for the communion of the heavenly Mysteries. Saturday. The Most Blessed Mother of God grieved with the greatest sorrows, but She herself, having been tempted, can always help those who are tempted. And She, the Most Quick Intercessor of all who mourn, like the Only Begotten Son Himself, having suffered and been tempted, quickly and powerfully helps all those who suffer for Him and are tempted. In church services, all worshipers are presented with a spectacle of Divine love and goodness, wisdom, omnipotence, truth, holiness, long-suffering, endless forbearance and exhaustion of the Divine. In the theater, in dramas - a spectacle of human passions and their relationships, clashes; the whole interest of the drama does not go further than earthly bliss - getting rich, marrying a loved one, or some tragic end. Has the spirit of Christ penetrated us? And this is what we need most, because our future fate beyond the grave depends on it. Your own evil will destroy you. Therefore, beware of evil as the most terrible deadly poison and deeply pity those people who are subject to malice and anger, and do not respond to them with evil for evil, offense for offense. If they do not repent, do not correct themselves and continue to harbor enmity towards you, then they will be consumed by their own malice or anger, just like you, if you harbor malice within yourself. Understand the same about other passions. A person subject to passion, even if he was apparently prosperous, is an unhappy person. Through the Holy Synod, sanctification (sanctiv) comes from the Lord Himself to all of Russia: through the election, naming and consecration of bishops and through the consecration of clergy and clergy by bishops, all services and Sacraments of the Church are celebrated, the spiritual governance of believers is accomplished as members of the spiritual, grace-filled Kingdom of Christ. (Blessed is the Kingdom of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit...) The Church prays for the Christ-loving army as defenders of the State, Faith, Church, and throne. But all Orthodox Christians are spiritual warriors of Christ, constantly fighting against sin, the temptations of the world, against the devil; The Church of Christ on earth is the militant Church. Endure suffering as a good soldier of Jesus Christ [2 Tim. 2, 3]. I thank the Lord, as in a quiet haven, sheltering me in His church from the storms of life and protecting, preserving, saving, merciful, cleansing, sanctifying, enlightening, covering and renewing with His most pure and life-giving Mysteries. Only for their sake - peaceful, healthy, safe and glorious. The highest spiritual interests of the money-loving, voluptuous and gluttonous are neglected and forgotten; they live for the belly, for pleasures, for their own lusts - not for God, not for their neighbors. It is good for me that the Lord did not and does not allow me to be rich, so that my heart would not harden, clinging to wealth, and would not completely retreat from love for God and neighbor, for it is impossible to work for God and wealth; Instead of wealth, the Lord gave me His grace - punishing, merciful, enlightening, sanctifying, peace-giving, glorifying, assisting in my affairs, decorating with spiritual grace, saving from passions and enemies and healing my infirmities. Beware of covetousness, for a person's life does not depend on the abundance of his possessions [Lk. 12, 15]. Our life is the grace of God, Christ God Himself. The lover of money is the Antichrist (example: Judas the traitor); the glutton is the Antichrist, for one works for money, and the other for the stomach and constantly resists the grace of Christ; they can't see. Every heart aches with sin in its various forms, it hurts - therefore [there is] no true, solid peace and happiness on earth for a person without God, without the grace of God. The theater only adds fuel to this combustible material of hell, or the devil - passions. Soon my cleansing and renewal takes place through the grace of prayer and the Holy Mysteries - but extremely soon a new desecration and corruption occurs with sinful thoughts, feelings, unclean movements of the heart and flesh, malice, envy, pride, and deceit. Every minute we must be awake and fight against sin. Gluttony especially upsets spiritual life. Gluttony is neglect of God and one’s soul. With a short doxology, as if with a bandage, we tie up the verses of the canon, with one half of the doxology: Glory to the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit we say on one verse, and the other: And now and ever and to the ages of ages - on the other, as a sign of the two Testaments, Old and New, that we, glorifying the Holy Trinity in this life, will glorify it all the more with greater truth in the heart and with great delight abroad of this short, vain life - in the future, eternal life. In every service we glorify the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit many times over, at all services - holiday and everyday, home and public, because from the Holy Trinity came alpha and omega, by the Holy Trinity we live and move and exist [Acts. 17, 28] and through Her we accomplish every virtue; By it all the saints were made saints and glorified; She accomplished all the great and supernatural deeds in the Church, which the Church glorifies both in the Old and New Testaments, all the great deeds in the world: the creation of the world itself and the human race and the miraculous restoration and renewal of people through the supernatural incarnation of the Son of God, whose coming, life, teaching, miracles, suffering, death, resurrection and ascension into heaven and the infinite price redemption of the human race from sin, curse and death were foreshadowed in many different ways and many times in the Old Testament. Food and drink give only the shadow of life to a person, and not life itself: therefore, there is no need to have an addiction to them and chase after ghosts, do not spare it (as well as money) to anyone, if you need to give to someone and can give, for for these perishable things we will receive from the generosity of the Creator and Savior imperishable gifts, eternal life. Rejoice (Mistress), Who resolved the crime (the crime of the forefathers was resolved, forgiven through Her)... Rejoice, the key of the Kingdom of Christ 32, for by Her the Kingdom of Christ, imprisoned by sins, was opened - eternal, holy, blessed. Christ God reigns here on earth, judges, punishes, has mercy, strikes, heals, kills and revives; creates everything in nature, carries and moves, warms the earth, enlivens, illuminates, controls the winds, waters, plant power, educational and artistic (in all animals, not excluding humans, rational animals, and in plants). He reigns and will reign all the more forever in heaven, in the Kingdom of truth and holiness and unspeakable peace and bliss. Now, on the day of the Holy Apostle Andrew the First-Called, I collected 112 rubles with the cross, for the brethren 9 rubles 50 kopecks [...]; Father Archpriest said that I had collected a lot. (Christmas - in the northern part; Epiphany - on the mountain.) There is so much wisdom in our holy faith and in the Holy Church, such an abyss, that even the great sages of the world would have plenty of it for reasoning, amazement, and glorification. But the Lord hid it from the wise and prudent, the arrogant and proud, and revealed it to babes after the soul, that is, to simple, kind, humble people [Matt. 11, 25]. This is what God's destinies are like! Sages and wise men are deprived of the wisdom of God, enlightening, purifying, saving. Oh, the depth of wealth and wisdom and knowledge of God! [Rom. 11, 33]. My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, says the Lord. But as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts higher than your thoughts [Isa. 55, 8 – 9]. Glory to Thee, Lord, glory to Thee. In the irmos, canons, the most important, instructive truths of the Christian faith are expressed and sung, delighting the mind and cheering the heart, or the deep repentant feelings of a Christian sinner, imbued with firm trust in God’s mercy for the sake of the merits of Jesus Christ. Not one of my countless petitions, which I sent to God in various prayers, stichera and verses of canons or litanies, remained unfulfilled - God’s infinite goodness fulfilled everything. Yesterday, during the all-night vigil, due to the action of the enemy, due to the confusion and fear induced by him, I hid the words in the exclamation: By the mercy and generosity and love of Thy Only Begotten Son ... I did not utter, while the very stones cry out for this. You have sinned, you fool! And this is because of food and drink and sleep during the day - the heart weakened, it became fleshy: fornication overcame, contemplation. Chu! God's terrible trumpet voice, the earth shook, everyone was terrified! The second coming of the Son of God has arrived. The dead rise from their graves and walk out. The relics of the saints, and all the saints, are striking proof and confirmation or confirmation of the truth of the faith and the entire teaching of Christ, or the Orthodox Church of Christ. Here the truth is clear as day and the need for fasting and prayer, and the reward for fulfilling the Gospel, and the truth of the resurrection of the dead and the future life. If you want to be convinced of the truth of the Gospel, of the truth and salvation of the Orthodox Church, come and see - the relics will convince you of that. We bring the stench of sin to the church - the Holy Church always brings to the Lord the fragrance of incense and the fragrance of prayer and the deeds of the saints in the stench of the spiritual fragrance and in intercession for us. We bring cold hearts to the Church, the burning flames of the saints of God and the fire of candles and lamps. Monday. Twice the Lord created in my soul the miracle of His mercy, the all-good, benevolent and fulfilling Lord: firstly, when I walked from Kozlyaninov’s notary with a constricted heart from sin and when I served the all-night vigil with the Neustroyevs and the enemy had an evil thought that Natalia Leontes. lives with Pavel I. Neustroev in forbidden relationships; Only I internally repented and condemned myself, that I, unclean and prodigal, imagined everything unclean and prodigal, just as the Lord had mercy on me and gave me tears of tenderness, with which I became blessed and at peace. Why do you look at the speck in your brother's eye, but do not feel the plank in your own eye? [Matt. 7, 3]. This is coming to me, I was told. Glory to the grace and mercy of God! Milk is extremely conducive to voluptuousness (tickles the belly), therefore, unless absolutely necessary, one should not drink milk, especially during fasting. Late last night, at twelve o’clock, I drank two glasses after sleeping since seven o’clock, and then went to bed and slept until seven o’clock in the morning and felt extreme voluptuousness and heaviness in my loins. He who violates abstinence and fasting is not also guilty of fornication? – Yes, for it becomes an internal adultery, if not an external one at the same time. We have sinned, committed lawlessness, committed unrighteousness before You, Lord, we have not kept, we have not fulfilled what You commanded us; but do not betray us to the enemy completely, O God of the fathers 33. I thank the Lord for the great miracle of delivering me from extreme sinful oppression and demonic pressure. This miracle was accomplished with many tears and labor of prayer during the all-night vigil on St. Nicholas Day, and as I remember, cramping appeared in me after a quick, prayerless lunch at the notary Kozlyaninov’s on the name day of his wife Varvara Dmitrievna on December 4, and it continued even until half of the all-night vigil, for I prayed with a strong inner cry to the Lord, the Mother of God and St. Nicholas and all the saints for deliverance from the oppression that befell me through my sins and tormented me. Wicked man, I indulged in a celibate frenzy, using milk from time to time for my health, for my breasts, intensified my lustful passion, making inappropriate affection with my wife, and then the thorns of hell pierced me, and while serving, my voice was exhausted, unclean, weak, deaf - but only my heart was cleansed by the grace of God, and my voice became clear and sonorous. I thank the Lord for His strength, for His mercy and goodness, for the resurrection of me, killed by my sins. Oh, how carnal pleasures are contrary to the grace of God! What kind of mediastinum do they create between the most pure God and the unclean soul? My Spirit will not forever be despised by these people, because they are flesh [Gen. 6, 3], that is, carnal uncleanness. It is necessary to preserve the purity of a Christian, who is the church of God, in every possible way. Meal food during Lent is difficult for the heart and body, both in itself and as disobedience to the commandment: then the serpent nests in us, that is, when we eat light food during Lent without need. I thank the Lord for the success in serving prayers and liturgy and for reviving my unworthiness with the Divine Mysteries. At the great entrance, the devil laughed at me, and after that the Lord had mercy on me when, in cramped conditions and bitterness, I turned to Him with a fervent prayer for help against the evil one - and a turning point occurred: my voice became clear, sonorous, my heart was calmer, my soul was more spacious, I became bolder. And after mass at the prayer services he had great calm and boldness, by the way, with customs member Nikolai Petrovich [Taratygin] and in the editorial office of the Kronstadt Messenger. He served twenty or twenty-five prayers: he earned thirty-one rubles. But at home in the evening I fell extremely deeply into the sin of irritability and anger at my wife and nanny, and Anyutka for their faults, lies, my wife’s wild rage because I accidentally dropped the child when he was walking into my office in the dark. Having become a little angry, I went to prayer services and more, and when I returned from prayer services, I strongly scolded the nanny for abandoning the child without supervision, and my wife, and I was very angry with my wife, who was only amusing herself with the children and had abandoned all household chores. I sinned grievously before God: so many times today I sang: The rule of faith and the image of meekness, self-control, show you to your flock, even the truth of things - and I was not jealous of the meekness and self-control of the great saint of Christ Nicholas, and in the most absurd way I violated the word about meekness and humility; destroyed the integrity of his soul, acquired through tears of repentance and communion of the Divine Mysteries and abundant prayers. Alas for me! Alas for me! How the enemy crept up on me and exposed me, and wounded me, and plunged me into extreme poverty and spiritual destitution. I couldn’t stand my wife’s reproaches, which I deserved for my unreasonable fussiness and running around like a fire. I sing with my lips, but I do strange things. Actions are at odds with words. How long is this? I shouldn’t be jealous of my wife’s children because she constantly fusses with them, although she spoils them. I'm not small and don't need her much. Selflessness in life is inevitable, although difficult. But the reward from the Lord is great. Behold, we have left everything and followed You; what will happen to us? - the apostles asked the Lord. Jesus said to them, “Truly I say to you, that you who have followed Me, in the rebirth, when the Son of Man sits on the throne of His glory, you also will sit on twelve thrones, judging the twelve tribes of Israel. And everyone who leaves houses, or brothers, or sisters, or father, or mother, or wife, or children, or lands, for My name’s sake, will receive a hundredfold and will inherit eternal life [Matt. 19, 27 – 29]. What causes my frequent outbursts of anger? From extreme pride, self-indulgence and, consequently, from gluttony, lust, love of money, pride and ambition. From the same self-love and self-indulgence comes contemplation, partiality, people-pleasing or vain fear, inappropriate fear, obstinacy before the poor and poor or before the inferior and defective and servility, servility before the rich, before the higher and noble, lasciviousness of the heart at the sight of the fair sex; that is why there is ill will towards enemies or people who are unfavorable to me, secret gloating at the sight or hearing of their misfortune, illness, misfortune, envy at the sight of their well-being and brilliant successes; pity for other people when they often eat and drink my food and sweet or strengthening and cheerful drinks; that is why there is anger when there are malfunctions or rudeness or disobedience of subordinates; That is why I have inactivity, lethargy, laziness when it is necessary to arrange the fate of the poor, and quick satisfaction of my lusts. Oh, how many sins I have! I thank the Lord, who turned me to repentance of my malice and granted me reconciliation with my wife, affection for her and for my children, gentle lambs. I thank the Lord, who has vouchsafed me to spend the whole day praising His name and His great saint, Saint Nicholas, this verbal, clear, bright sky. With his all-favorable, all-fragrant prayers, kindle, O Lord, the stench of our passions and have mercy on us, who have fallen and sinned greatly against You every hour. But, as if some kind of tribute, the enemy of our salvation took from me - the sin of strong anger towards my family, from which I did not suddenly recover, from which I did not immediately repent. Yes, I pay attention to myself and take care. The Lord’s providence for those who give alms is marvelous. On the third day I donated three rubles for the starving Samara residents, and the next day the Lord returned them to me in abundance (private bailiff Prokofiev for his prayer to the wife who gave birth to him). I thank the Lord. Man is a fallen, broken, weak being, but at the same time a being gifted with tender sensitivity - therefore, one must treat him extremely prudently, with caution, so as not to further lower his spirit, not to plunge him into despondency and despair with various difficulties or severe reprimands and punishments - but in order to encourage and encourage him, give him reasons, occasions and means for good exercise and the development of his spiritual powers and the hidden ones in him dispositions towards goodness, or virtues, it is prudent to evoke in him deep, conscious repentance for sins and encourage him to correction and perfection. The Holy Church is our mother, intercessor, nourisher, enlightener, tender guardian, calmer, our intercessor and unbreakable wall, our purification, sanctification, our true ennoblement, affirmation, our guide, our deification, our glory; together she is our spiritual air: our souls breathe her - her life-giving, healthy, encouraging air. Having broken the fast with my lips (milk on Friday), I then broke it with my eyesight, heart and loins, feeling disorderly, sweet, unclean movements in the members lying below the womb, at the sight of the nipples of a young beautiful mother. This was while giving prayer to the wife who gave birth. This is how it is necessary to curb the passionate flesh through fasting. This is how she fights for the soul incessantly and strongly! And I put aside my weapons, I mean fasting, as if the war was over and peace had come, or as if I had already established myself in holiness. O I, a most lawless, nasty, passionate man! I repent before the Lord for breaking the fast with my lips and loins! I drank a glass of sweet tea with wine and then a glass and a half of milk, as luck would have it - it was on the table for the children! Oh, how heavy it is in my belly and in my sides! Crowded! Yesterday I was in the narrow, tobacco-smoky apartment of Fyodor Stepanovich Tokmachev, A.T.’s son-in-law. Sorokina, where it was hard for me to breathe; I drank two glasses of sweet tea, two glasses of port wine from him and ate pressed caviar. What came of this? Night desecration. Under what vision? Not at all with the prodigal, but with confusion and fear while reading some speech of mine before the mighty person of the world, almost before the sovereign. The devil has confused me so much! It created such a fear of a strong face that I was completely at a loss, and the nature of the loins was performing its seminal process all this time. Forgive me, Lord, for my love for mankind, my gluttony and intemperance - that I drank milk in the morning for the sake of health, although I am already healthy by the grace of God. The fur coat is new, altered, updated yesterday evening - very warm! I thank the Lord for her. But he didn’t warm the poor as he should: he didn’t give them what they needed for clothing, only for bread and for lodging for the night. Your wondrous and glorious name has become miraculously glorified in me even this day, when in the cramped state of sin (I was in the Post Office with a letter) I looked to You with the eyes of my heart and prayed to You for mercy, peace and the salvation of my soul. You saved me immediately by Your name; Here, too, I looked to St. Nicholas the Wonderworker with my heart and body with a prayer to intercede for me before the Lord. Your name is strength, salvation, life, peace, freedom and space 34 and the glory of my soul. Five o'clock in the evening. The Lord wonderfully rewarded me for my alms to Marya Arsenyevna: as soon as I decided to help her with her daughter and mother, I was invited to give communion and unction to the sick woman; Upon completion of the service, I receive as much as I gave to Marya Arsenyevna - five rubles. I thank the Lord. December 8th. Saturday. Have mercy on me, Lord, for I broke Your fast of fourty days before the day of the saving day of the Incarnation, more than Your Nativity: I drank quick milk and often, unwillingly, ate, like Sverlov’s. December 8th. Lord, I thank You for Your immeasurable mercy, for You had mercy on me, the prodigal, and cleansed me, having heard my prayer when I was traveling to Suikovsky. A lustful thought oppressed me. At night, the accursed one, he ate salmon, drank wine, sweet tea at Sverlov’s, and at home two cups and a half of milk with quick buns, which is why he was tempted fornication in a dream; from looking at the girl in a dream with pleasure, the seeds almost came out; desecration immediately threatened. Yes, he was already defiled by lust and lustful vision of the heart in a dream (for the bodily was closed). Sinned, damned one. Little faith! Why am I afraid of scarcity when distributing alms and am irritated with the beggars that there are many of them and often come to me with requests? Haven’t I seen wondrous experiences of God’s mercy and generosity towards me and don’t I constantly see it? - And because they go every day and several times a day, we must feel even more sorry for the beggars, because they are put in the miserable necessity of begging and caring for their daily food and being subjected to the anger and reproaches of their givers. Living in our chambers, well-fed and dressed in the best possible way, we cannot even imagine how difficult it is for beggars to be hungry, cold and without shelter! It is true that many, many were not invited here by anyone: they rushed here headlong - but still they are pitiful people: they rushed here out of extremity, like a flock of sheep driven into a herd of wolves. Matins and early mass. I thank the Lord, who made it possible for me to perform three services - Matins, Mass and a prayer service with the Blessing of Water, and most of all, that the Lord deigned me to partake without condemnation of His most pure and life-giving Mysteries; then I thank the Lord for several prayer services in private homes and for the material gifts of the Lord to the brethren of the church. Wisdom, forgive us, let us hear the Holy Gospel. [...] a place from the Gospel of the Evangelist Luke. Ch. 11, 31. The queen of the south will rise up in judgment with the people of this generation and condemn them, for she came from the ends of the earth to listen to the wisdom of Solomon; and behold, there is more Solomon here. How do Christians listen and read the Gospel?.. Isn’t my heart filled with grief [Lk. 24, 32], when I stand in prayer in church or when I partake of the Holy Mysteries with faith and love. For the pure, they say, all things are pure [Tit. 1, 15]. They say this when they want to justify themselves by having a party and dancing with the girls on Sunday. Is a person clean? “Unclean,” both the unclean and the pure may appear unclean, and the pure may be tempted. It is better to move away from temptation and not look at what tempts, to run away from the vanity of the world and stick to the one thing that is necessary. With what thoughts will the pupils and female students go to mass on Sunday, when they danced to their hearts the day before? (Ball at the gymnasium on Sunday, December 9th.) I thank the Lord, who surprised me with His long-suffering and His mercy. I was angry with the beggars in the evening, and did not give them what they needed for their bodies, and locked the gates from them - but I was so wounded by this and so indignant and my soul fell into such crampedness that I had to go out into the street to satisfy as much as possible the beggars, to whom I gave, with reprimand and zeal, what they needed - but even after all that, the crampedness in my heart remained. I walked along the street and repented in the depths of my soul, most convincingly begging the Lord to have mercy on me. Finally, the Lord heeded the prayer of repentance: He laid His sovereign hand on me and left me the wickedness of my heart. For this I praise and thank and extol Him. Because of my addiction to corruptible things, I corrupt and confuse my damned soul, while there is nothing more valuable than the peace and love and grace of God. When will I give up attachments and be dispassionate? When will I contemplate grief and despise earthly things? When will I be as gentle as a lamb? Oh, holy apostles, who received the Heavenly Spirit and left everything earthly as rubbish! Ask the Lord for me to bear grief. Gentle lambs, [teach] me meekness! Pure in heart! Teach me purity and dispassion! Do I love this world, in which the Lord of glory was killed and nailed to the cross? Do I love those pieces of silver for which the priceless Lord was betrayed to the villains? Do I love that glory, the glory of this world, which neglects the glory of God! You receive glory from each other, but you do not seek the glory that is from the One God [Jn. 5, 44]. There is no doubt that our fraternal income, acquired especially by me, is a pure gift of God’s mercy and generosity, acquired by us with little labor, and, as a gift of mercy and generosity, should be given to the poor - by all members of the clergy, at least the senior ones (three priests and one non-family deacon), - but due to incomprehensible hardness of heart, covetousness and stubbornness, none of them he is negligent about alms and does not give what he has received freely to the poor - the hungry, homeless, without clothes and shoes, and only fills his treasuries, which are already full and can abundantly satisfy them for decades (I know this, although they constantly lie, saying that they have no money). What should I do, who, before all of them, works primarily for all and for all the brethren - and most of all for the eldest, who unrighteously withhold the gifts of God, paying especially for my labors for myself? Shouldn’t I cover up at least a few of their untruths with the truth of almsgiving for everyone and especially for the money-loving older brethren, so that the Lord will not be angry with us for our lies and our love of money, and may the sacrifice of our prayer and praise be a pleasant aroma to the Lord, may the Lord add to us, unworthy, His mercies and His bounty? Yes, the mammon of my brethren is the mammon of unrighteousness, for it is unrighteously kept by them; 35 the fields have become too much for them, and they do not know where to gather their fruits; they break down barns and build greater ones [Lk. 12, 16 – 18]: they give money away for interest and dream for many, many years to live in all abundance, without giving to the poor, of whom there are so many, many. No, I will not unjustly fill their covetous hands - you cannot fill them, but I will give only the excess that is acceptable to me to the poor: this is required by the truth of God, which says: Better give alms from what you have, then everything will be pure for you [Lk. And, 41], or: make friends with unrighteous wealth [Lk. 16, 9 ]; and: Sell your possessions and give alms [Lk. 12, 33]. For there is so much surplus in our possessions that could satisfy the needs of many poor people! And the Lord, seeing my alms, gives us more and more tuna 36 according to the law of His mercy and righteousness: with the measure you use, it will be measured to you [Matt. 7, 2]. Give, and it will be given to you: good measure, shaken together, pressed, and running over, will be poured into your bosom; For with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you [Lk. 6, 38]. This is how the Lord always measures things, especially for me. Yes, I always give in simplicity and with good will, with zeal, humility, meekness and, taught by God to give alms, so that in the future I will not be [mad], irritable, myself destroying what I create; May I do the work of God (for Christ Himself accepts alms) with joy, and not sighing and angry, and may I not give room to the devil, and may he not laugh at me. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the oppression of sin, from the oppression of the love of money, after a long secret prayer of repentance on the street in the morning. 11 Kozlyaninova, that is, he was caught mentally and by a sinful movement of the heart and flesh through the sight of an elderly woman who has many adult children - still thinks of seducing with her charms and dressing immodestly (cleavage) and slyly looking at her exposed breasts And how hard it was after seeing her! How tied I was! I couldn’t teach lessons according to God’s law! I cursed this view, this all-destructive and lovely sin! Has the grass deceived me? Is it pus? Is the steam fleeting? Is beauty carnal? Where is the Artist? Where is His imperishable and indescribable beauty? Where is His most pure Flesh and Blood, with which we are nourished, revived, cleansed, sanctified? Where is His incorruptible, pure, endless sweetness? Where is His holiness and His words: be holy, for I am holy [Lev. 11, 45 ]? I forgot this, damned one! Here's some sweet jelly for you! Here's a fish! This is delicious prosphora! That's [greed]! After leaving Kozlyaninov, I prayed for a long time, walking down the street, and the Lord accepted sincere repentance and had mercy on me, giving me peace, freedom, and light to my eyes. [Beware of] the view! What saving rules the Gospel teaches us! How carefully all dogmas must be followed! Then you will be blessed! We glorify the Lord unceasingly, because He is the God of glory, and His being is glory, and to glorify Him and to be like Him in holiness is the bliss of all rational creatures; We praise Him loudly because the devil constantly blasphemes the glorified, magnificent name of God and teaches his detractors among people to do so. Heaven and earth are full of the glory of God [Isa. 6, 3] - how can we, who see so much glory of God, wisdom, omnipotence, goodness of God in everything, not glorify Him? If we remain silent, the stones will cry out. I thank the Spirit of God, the Holy Life-Giving Lord, who spoke through the prophets, for the spiritual nourishment and delight of the Psalter in the Russian translation at the District Court hearing in the Duma - and for the bold and strong, sonorous reading of the oath over the course of two (10th and 11th) days. At night today (December 12th) I began to ejaculate, probably from the pears and the glass of milk I drank for my health (for my breasts), and from drinking too much tea, and partly, perhaps, from being in the stale air for a long time! Getting up, I changed my linen, washed my hands, prayed in repentance to my Lord, Whom, accursed, I always anger with word and deed and thought; then I read Psalm 118, and then (it was at three o’clock) I went to bed again. (It should be noted that the weather was warm and a lot of snow fell last night and into the following night.) Woe to the rich, who gather for themselves, and not to those who grow rich in God [Lk. 12:21], - woe when we think that God is infinitely good and generous and loves His rational verbal creation - man, with immeasurable love, so that He did not spare His Only Begotten Son for the salvation of the human race - woe to the rich when we think that the Lord created everything in abundance for everyone, and meanwhile the rich people hold in their hands excesses of bread, clothing, money - everything that is needed for human life; while the poor are numerous everywhere and suffer from deficiencies in the very basic necessities of life, the rich have sacrilegiously seized the property of the poor into their own hands. Woe to the rich when we remember that in the person of the poor Christ Himself, our God, suffers need, poverty, and all deprivations. He Himself asks for alms from the rich through the poor and is refused. One involuntarily comes to mind the fate of the rich, merry fellow and Lazarus, who lay at the gate of his house [Lk. 16, 19 – 31]. Hell and torment are the inevitable fate of the hard-hearted rich man. In the cross there is an abyss of mercy, wisdom and power of God. At the cross, there is something for all the wise and prudent, as well as for infants, to think about Christ. In the words: Take, eat, this is My Body, and: Drink of it, all of you: this is My Blood, the abyss of God’s love for the human race. There is something to think about for anyone who impartially delve into the fate of God regarding the human race and into himself. A sacred thrill runs through all the members, throughout the entire being of every unprejudiced person, not bound by worldly lusts and pleasures, when he listens with the ear of his heart to these words from the lips of the clergyman. Oh, most perfect love! Love is all-encompassing! Love is the strongest! The Lord of all and the Creator, God of the created Passionless One, united Himself in poverty, and for Himself, even though He wanted to die, He preferred Passover to Himself: eat, crying out, My Body and be strengthened by faith 39 . What do we offer, brothers, in gratitude to God for this love for us? Do we feed the hungry and give drink to the thirsty? Do we clothe the naked? Are the sick and prisoners in prison visited? But in their person, as in His members, Christ Himself, our Savior, who sacrificed Himself for us, demands our help! December 12, 1873. Here is a Divine spectacle - the liturgy! Here is a spectacle of infinite love, wisdom, omnipotence, truth, holiness - and a spectacle of infinite sweetness and beauty and light, bliss, for in this Sacrament are hidden for the intelligent and pious infinite sweetness, beauty, light, bliss, holiness, eternal truth, omnipotence, goodness and wisdom of God: one cannot get enough of the sweet and bright contemplation of the mind, admiration and bliss of the heart when reflecting on this Sacrament of God’s endless love for the perishing human race. And we leave the Church, preferring to be better in the theater - a school of vanity, where there is no food for our immortal spirit, no healing, purification, help, where sometimes all that is holy rises to blasphemy, where it is not customary to pronounce the name of God, except as a joke, hypocritically, where the so-called noble passions are given full rein, where the adulterous and sinful world raises its head high, crucifying and crucifying the Lord. I thank the Lord, who made me worthy to see His glorious resurrection and worship Him in joy. The soul of every person is surrounded by a mental atmosphere, either pure and transparent, luminous, or unclean, stinking, gloomy, just as happens with the earth in nature or with the sun's rays. Evil, evil and blasphemous thoughts are a gloomy and stinking atmosphere; good, pure thoughts - a bright atmosphere. Filipp Stepanov, who boldly reproached me for giving alms, which in his opinion was incorrect, should be reprimanded, so that he would not be wise in his own country; that I am not a boy of fifteen years old, but his shepherd, given by God and instructed by God; that he, Stepanov, must look after himself and teach himself, and not the shepherd; that, although he goes to confession every year, it is only for show, without a heartfelt disposition towards either the confessor or the important matter of confession, that his confession has always been dead, vague, hidden, without any frankness and, therefore, sinful; that let him choose a confessor according to his heart, but I don’t want to tolerate duplicity and hypocrisy anymore. [What follows is an omission of almost one and a half author's pages. – Ed.] Morning. Until now, my spirit is restless from the insult I caused yesterday to the beggar, whose hair I tore out in anger for his persistent request for alms. The wrath of a man does not accomplish the righteousness of God [Jas. 1, 20]. So I did the truth unrighteously: with annoyance and anger I gave alms to the beggars who poured in late at night to ask for alms when I went out for a walk, and in anger I tore out one beggar by the hair, and hurt myself cruelly, twenty times more severely than the beggar, for my conscience tormented me for what I had done, and I had no peace. However, in the evening and at night, after the prayer of repentance, I slept well; but, having woken up early, at half past five o’clock, I could no longer fall asleep due to restlessness and languor of my heart; I got up, washed my face, started writing a diary, but I heard - they were inviting me to see a sick person on Novaya Street, and I went to church - and my heart felt heavy and aching; took the Divine Mysteries, came to the sick person, greeted him, began to read prayers, but everything was heavy in my heart, especially from smoking a cigar the day before (no need to smoke - my heart aches, I become more irritable). He confessed, received communion, took the Holy Gifts to church and began to lament and cry about his sins; Having left the church, he walked the entire Posadskaya Street in repentance and returned home. It became easier. Oh, how I have angered the Lord and hurt myself! What causes my irritability? From love for one’s multi-passionate flesh and for this vain world and its vain blessings and from a lack of faith, hope and love. This and a similar incident with the beggar shows that sometimes I have no faith, hope and love, because I am partial to my corruptible flesh and to the corruptible blessings of this world and this age, and I have no sincere hope for a future life and reward. My God! Until now I do not know the Christian alphabet. Why don’t I despise corruptible, vain, sinful flesh? Why don’t I despise the world and its lusts? Why am I not in vain? Why am I afraid to transfer my treasure from earth to heaven, offering it to God with the hands of the poor? May I inherit eternal blood! What do we have in heaven? and what did You want on earth? - the king and prophet David, who loved God with all his heart, cries out. - My heart (carnal, passionate) and my flesh (sins, passions), God of my heart, and my part, God, are gone forever [Ps. 72, 25 – 27]. Oh, what corruption and contrition, what burden and death my soul experiences from addiction to the blessings here, to the life here, luxury, sweets, things, money, books, etc. I suffer, I am tormented by this addiction, I feel cruelly reluctant to go, but I continue to become addicted. If I give away all my goods and give my body to be burned, but do not have love, it does me no good [1 Cor. 13:3], said the holy Apostle Paul. “I wouldn’t be deprived of an eternal reward from God for reluctantly giving alms, for reproaches and reproaches of the poor and sometimes for annoying them. I would not destroy even my good deeds. This is what the enemy wants and is looking for. I must give alms not of my own free will, not only then and not only to those when and to whom I want, but according to the will of God, sometimes to those to whom I would not want to give, and when I would not want to. Do what you don't want, not just what you want. Not my will, but Yours, Lord, be done, speak and do. Leave all attachment to the blessings of this temporary life - it will pass away like smoke and like steam. Hold on to eternal life, to which you were called [1 Tim. 6, 12]. Make war on good, make war on the flesh, the world and the devil. I treat the poor harshly because, apparently, living in contentment, I forgot what it was like to endure the need for necessities. May this not happen in the future, but I sympathize with the needs of my neighbors. Our flesh, or our old man, constantly seeks more and better things on earth, but he himself does not know what he is looking for. He seeks the vain, the transitory, but one must daily seek the truly better and greater, that is, the heavenly, the imperishable, and despise the transitory, being content with what is. You say: I have become a little shy, but even with one drop, if it was not needed, the evil spirit of frivolity, disobedience, stubbornness, pride, fornication, addiction to the earth and hard-heartedness towards your neighbor could enter into you. Does it really take much for an evil demon to enter us and please him? Through one unrighteous thought and through one sip one can unite with it, just as through one sip of the most pure Body and Blood we are united with the Lord - such is the connection, such is the sequence of sins! And you drink whole glasses of milk unnecessarily during Lent, you are satiated with quick food - tell me, how many demons have entered into you, demons of disobedience, lust, fornication, pride, waywardness and stubbornness, hard-heartedness, attachment to the vain life of the flesh, to the vain, transitory, charming world? - A whole legion: after all, demons do not sleep, they do not sleep - not like us. They know very well and remember how cruelly they were struck by our Savior, at what price we were saved, what indescribable blessings are prepared for us in the future life, and with unimaginable greed they seek to catch us in their destructive nets in order to somehow make redemption fruitless for us, which does not reach the goal of the most pure Blood shed on our cross for the sake of salvation. And we ourselves throw ourselves into these nets with our heads, arms and legs, senseless, insane; we deliberately let go of the weapon, I mean fasting, or we fast hypocritically, when we indulge in various Lenten delicacies to the point of satiety, we fatten ourselves up - and imagine that we are fasting; or, without eating modest food, we play cards, drink wine or other stimulating drinks, go to the theater for laughter and idle talk, read empty or even tempting books, indulge in idleness - and think that we are fasting. ABOUT! You need to fast wisely! After all, you need prudence everywhere - attention to yourself. We must constantly watch ourselves with a thousand eyes, for the enemies are cunning, vigilant, strong, they can attack suddenly, accidentally, when we did not expect, and overthrow us. This is why the Church, remembering that we are warriors, often gives us our spiritual weapons - fasting and prayer, repentance and tenderness! And we throw away these weapons as unnecessary - that is why we are easily overthrown by the adversary, because, from our voluptuousness, we are partial to the here momentary blessings and have forgotten the promised, incorruptible, eternal blessings, for the enjoyment of which we were created and redeemed, that is why we are money-loving, unbrotherly, uncompassionate, hard-hearted, stingy, devoted to carnal, animal love and completely defeated and robbed by the enemy of our salvation; That’s why we quarrel, quarrel, and offend each other over empty things. We need a radical change and alienation of our inner thoughts, desires, passions, a radical change in the heart, which has become accustomed to being angry over empty things, to be angry, to envy, to be ill-willed, to be malicious, to take revenge or to repay evil for evil, to be voluptuous, to love money, etc. We need to acquire the only thing we need - the love of God, love for our neighbor, self-sacrifice, as the root of all good things, for self-love is the root of all sin. That is why the Lord demands from His disciples, first of all, self-sacrifice: if anyone wants to follow Me, turn away from yourself, and take up your cross, and follow Me [Matt. 16, 24 ]; Thus, renounce the habit of pleasing the belly and drinking wine; habits of getting angry at family members or beggars chasing you; the habit of staring at beautiful women’s faces, at the varied beauty of things made by human hands, which drive some people to addiction; Avoid the addiction of self-indulgence, get used to finding pleasure in rejecting your own will and in fulfilling the will of God, the law of God. When you make lunch or dinner, do not invite your friends, nor your brothers, nor your relatives, nor rich neighbors, lest they invite you and you receive reward. But when you make a feast, call the poor, the maimed, the lame, the blind, and you will be blessed that they cannot repay you, for you will be rewarded at the resurrection of the righteous [Lk. 14, 12 – 14]. So now I, together with the Lord and the Church, create a dinner not for the rich and noble, but for the humble, the weak, for you, my brothers. Yes, they won’t come even if you call them. So, let us offer a spiritual meal, abundant not in food, but in the immortal grace of the Spirit, not an intoxicating vessel of wine, but giving sober joy to the spirit, delighted with the sight of God’s Mysteries and eternal destinies. Well, what a fierce anxiety I had from the genital penis at night! What a heat! What sweetness! Only by the cross, with which I was marked many times, did I restrain myself from prodigal excesses. This is probably from drinking milk in the morning (two glasses) and from fish fried with salt and butter at lunch, and from sweet tea drunk in a significant amount, the first time as a snack, and the other as a bite. Any excess is harmful. During the unction of a retired soldier in Savelyev’s house, my left leg began to hurt badly: I couldn’t stand straight - and this, I think, is true, from excess milk and fish-eating. Serves it right! I sinned before the Lord that I was angry with the beggar and with my wife for her empty fears and reproaches; she called me crazy, and I called her Satan, up to three times; Thus, he repaid humiliation for humiliation, abuse for abuse, evil for evil, while I myself teach others not to return evil for evil, abuse for abuse. I sinned before the Lord and people and before my rank of angels and the Lord! Have mercy, Lord. Convert, Lord, forgive, heal, Lord; on the path of love, patience, kindness, guide me, Lord. I thank the Lord, who accepted my repentance of my anger towards my wife and gave me peace, freedom and spaciousness of heart after cramped conditions and confusion (I, walking along the Lord’s Street, internally repented and prayed). I then visited Ivan Fedorovich Palyanov and drank clear Bavarian beer and tea from him for the glory of God and for my health. Again I became angry with the poor young people for frequently begging for alms, and again I became agitated and my insides partly became inflamed with hellish fire. I shouldn’t get irritated at all, this harms myself first and foremost - it’s better to serve as best I can in simplicity, with diligence and good nature. The Lord is able to repay a hundredfold and in any case not allow us to become beggars; With the measure you use, it will be measured to you [Matt. 7, 2]. Give, and it will be given to you [Lk. 6, 38]. I have not seen the righteous abandoned and his descendants asking for bread [Ps. 36, 25]. Have mercy, Lord! I am impatient, irritable and angry: with indignation and anger I have driven beggars, men and old and elderly women who came for alms out of my apartment many times. This is not only indecent and sinful for the shepherd, who should be a model of meekness for everyone. We must learn meekness, kindness, and patience in order to treat everyone kindly, respectfully, and condescendingly. I must weep deeply and weep a lot about my malice towards the poor of this world and towards my family - and henceforth, with respect and love, kindness, courtesy, condescension, treat every person, especially a Christian, regardless of face, as one worthy of the image of God, as a member of Christ and a member of the Church, of which there are countless members in heaven, and the temples of the Holy Spirit, not sparing them perishable property and not suspecting in each of the poor who beg for alms a drunkard and a sloth, but on the contrary, diligently blaming himself first of all, the most sinful of all, for all sins. It is very useful not to eat anything at night; light restful sleep. The secret penis does not bother you, it stands up easily. Since I came to know the Lord, the beggars especially got to know me and began to turn to me for everything and everywhere in Kronstadt. Isn't this the mercy of God? Doesn't God want to make me happy through the poor? For the merciful, it is said, will receive mercy [Matt. 5, 7]. Is not this world vanity? Isn't wealth vanity? Isn't it better to be poor for the Lord's sake? I thank the Lord, who deigned me to celebrate the early Divine Liturgy and through it gave me peace, purification, sanctification, and health. I thank the Lord, who calmed the storm of my sins before the liturgy, during Matins and during the liturgy itself. Everything for your neighbors and nothing too much for yourself. This is what it means to live not for yourself, but for Christ. The poor are poor in body, and many of them are rich in soul, and we, the rich, are poor in soul - rich in body, perishably in soul and body. It is not bad to barter for goods and begin to become rich in God, and not to collect for yourself [Lk. 12, 21]. (I sinned by being angry with a beggar who humbled himself to the ground and asked for boots to be sent to St. Petersburg.) In the person of my neighbor, who is insulted by me in one way or another, I insult myself, I humiliate myself, I inflict ulcers on myself, for he is my member and a member of Christ God, who deigned to clothe himself with humanity and unite us to Himself. Righteous Judge, Lord, glory to You, for you always punish me with true judgment and, by punishing, heal me. (There will be a general Last Judgment.) Glory and mercy to me, who repent from the depths of my soul, and to all who repent. The apostolic command to pray for all people [1 Tim. 2, 1]. This is a divinely inspired commandment - the basis of the church order of prayers, supplications, petitions, thanksgivings. These prayers are sublime: not selfishness, but all-love they constantly preach; in the world – selfhood and selfhood, but here – communication of love. Eternal heights of prayer and love! It is time for everyone to achieve this holy love - both the greatest and the smallest. Oh, what countless spiritual benefits the faith of Christ brings me! From what troubles and torments and spiritual deaths he saves me daily! I praise the Lord! Salvation, life, peace, space, help, glory always comes to me from above! And in earthly blessings there is cramped space, death, confusion, bitterness of the heart! Woe to the hearts! I sinned when in my anger I called a beggar a fool who was chasing me and did not want to receive alms from the church along with others. I stopped angrily, shouted at him, and indignantly and reluctantly gave him 20 kopecks. And my Christ voluntarily gave himself up for thirty pieces of silver to redeem me from sin, curse and death. How ungrateful and malicious I am! Oh, the depth of my sinful corruption—the depth and greatness of my weakness! How quickly true love dries up in me even in relation to the saints, not to mention my neighbors, my family, the beggars, with whom (the latter) I get upset so many times, whom I reproach, scold, kick, and pull by the hair. And sometimes I can’t pronounce the names of saints, even if I often have to pronounce them! And often - anger, envy, pride, arrogance, lasciviousness, self-interest, delicacy, laziness, negligence, disobedience! I have no respect for the personality of a person (poor) or family. My love has dried up because iniquity has increased [Matt. 24, 12]. Forgiveness and remission of sins - we ask for the most necessary things, for we perish in sins every day, for sins separate us from God. What is good and useful to our souls: for example, buying expensive clothes, going to the theater, to a club, to gambling evenings is unkind, but giving alms, reading God’s word or listening to other good deeds is good and useful to the soul. Glory to the grace of God, merciful, cleansing, sanctifying, enlightening, sobering, healing, taming, strengthening, beautifying, glorifying, pacifying, expanding the soul. I was extremely weak in my innards during the service of prayers with the sailors and with Rudkovsky, and especially during the service of the liturgy, but after communion of the Holy Mysteries I came to life and became strengthened in spirit and body and delivered the conversation with strength and boldness. I thank the Lord for this, for he did not reject me, a great sinner. The Lord miraculously revived me. Glory to the life-giving Mysteries! Baby Lisa became angry with me, and I was indignant at her and was wounded in my soul with anger, but I prayed for my salvation to the Lord, and that babies would not be like the birth of a serpent - and the Lord saved me, a passionate one; the sins of infants are not imputed to them until they are seven years old according to the rules of the Church - and they are children of Adam, like me, with an inclination towards evil and actual evil. May the Lord not blame them, and especially not me - for I, I, I am a sinner, not them. What pain, what weakness, what irritability I had today during mass! And it’s all from excess in food and drink, as I think. How much struggle, hedging, and antics I had! At the great entrance, for fear of the devil, I could not speak the names of the royal family. What a weakness! I lifted my eyes to the mountains, and the Lord was not pleased to encourage and strengthen me, for I was unworthy of this grace for intemperance, for breaking, as I think, fasting. In the Church, and nowhere else, we all recognize the unity of blood, the unity of our nature, the unity of infirmities, falls, illnesses, sorrows, the unity of nature and infirmities, except for sin, in the Son of God Himself, who was incarnate for our salvation, the Lord Jesus Christ, Who was tempted in every way, according to likeness, except sin, and Who does not receive angels... but receive Abraham's seed. Therefore He had to become like the brethren in everything [Heb. 2, 16 – 17]. The heavenly litany is great - and truly great in the spirit of universal love. I must acquire the Spirit of the Gospel and the Church; the way of thoughts, desires, intentions, enterprises, words and actions is also evangelical and church, but I have my own, worldly spirit, carnal way of thoughts, feelings, undertakings, words and deeds. Oh, Orthodox! Pay close attention to the worship of our Church! December 17. Monday. Morning. I thank the Lord, who through my prayer delivered me from grief, anxiety and languor. You are always with me, O my Creator and Savior, vigorous, sleepless, listening. I thank the Lord for His providence for the poor: yesterday I again received three rubles for the poor from one artisan. I definitely need to drink milk for my breasts and for my voice - my chest has become weak, it’s difficult to speak and sing. (Advice from Dr. Vitaly Sergeevich Alekseev and one archimandrite scientist.) I thank the Lord for reviving me with the Divine Mysteries; I thank the Lord for taking away confusion, sorrow and distress through the prayer of my repentance; This embarrassment befell me because of my anger at Nicholas, the altar guard, for his omission of his position. I thank the Lord for delivering me from the nasty devil’s thorn in my heart in class (fifth), when I looked twice at the image of the Lord. I thank the Lord for deliverance from grief and cramped conditions for my hostility towards the baby Lisa, because of which my wife scolded the servants and often scolds her. I prayed earnestly, and the Lord had mercy. Take, certainly take, the parents or those who take the place of the children’s parents to church for divine services and especially for the liturgy, and teach them to listen with attention to God’s service; Instill in them how much God loved us, that He gave Himself up to suffering and death, that He gave His own Divine most pure Body and His Divine most pure Blood to us for food and drink. Point them especially to the words spoken by the priest on behalf of the Lord: Take, eat; This is My Body, broken for you for the remission of sins; and to the words: Drink of it, all of you; this is My Blood of the New Testament. Explain to them what an abyss of love they have for us, what an abyss of condescension, self-sacrifice, what an abyss of wisdom, strength, exaltation of our corrupted nature, however, in the image of God at the beginning of creation, and how we must love the Lord and each other! I thank the Lord for the heavenly peace given to me upon communion of the Divine Mysteries, for the boldness and joy of my heart and for the unfailing performance of the service - the liturgy with the funeral service for the deceased servant of God Evdokia Pavlovskaya, who died suddenly at night from a rush of water. I thank the Lord, who mercifully accepted my cry of repentance in the tightness of my heart after being upset with my wife: I recognized myself as guilty, capricious, not satisfied with anything, spoiled, self-indulgent. The Lord gave me peace at the end of my journey to the gymnasium. I praise the Lord. Don't leave me, Lord! I got twenty-five rubles for free from Nikolai Artem. - so I must give them to the poor willingly. And today I was angry with them - I sinned and angered the merciful God, who became poor for us in the Incarnation. What am I partial to - to this material, perishable, fleeting life? Why do I get irritated and offend my soul and at the same time ruin my mental and physical health? Why be angry with these unresponsive sheep, the beggars - meek, meek, gentle, patient, humiliated, constrained in everything? It's reckless and cruel. Today (December 20) is the memory of the Holy Great Martyr Ignatius the God-Bearer, torn to pieces by beasts in the Roman amphitheater. May I imitate him in love for God and neighbor. He said: I have no love for matter and for this temporary life. I am looking for Christ and the Heavenly Fatherland. Yes, I give according to my strength, without being irritated in the least and without offending myself first of all with anger and rage, for it causes me the greatest harm. May I not allow the enemy to plunder my spiritual treasures - the grace, love and peace of God, treasures that are more precious than all the blessings of this world. And because of the frequent disturbances from the beggars and my irritation with them, it seems that I completely lost my love for them and began to hate them. Woe is me! For if I give away all my possessions... but do not have love, it does me no good [1 Cor. 13, 3]. The Lord has always rewarded me for the poor. He will reward you in the future and will not let you become poor. And the demands of beggars are modest: they don’t ask for much. So, do alms with God, being content in the hope of God, who for so many years has rewarded me for the poor. December 20, 1873. I thank the Lord for celebrating the Liturgy yesterday and for communion of the most pure and life-giving Mysteries for my revival, purification, sanctification and strengthening. I thank the Lord, who had mercy on me with great mercy in the apartment of Marya Dm. [...] when, in repentance, in the secret of my heart, I prayed to Him for mercy and pacification and the expansion of my troubled and oppressed heart. Glory to His goodness and quick obedience. To the one who interprets it will be opened [Matt. 7, 8]. When I woke up today, I felt tightness and sadness in my heart from drinking milk at night and eating smelt. Don't eat at night. In the morning. I thank the Lord, who made me prosperous in the service of Matins: my voice was clear, free, strong, sonorous; With a joyful heart and a solemn spirit and voice, I glorified the forefeast of the Nativity of Christ and blessed the Most Pure Mother of God and glorified the martyr Juliana. I should always eat milk with black bread, even during Lent, without hesitation, because it is necessary for me and very useful. I have to talk, sing, read, proclaim a lot, but milk nourishes, cleanses, softens, cools, strengthens the chest, and all the insides, and the whole body. Let there be thanksgiving and glory to the Lord for everything! Wake up! (Rogom 40 after milk is also a good thing: I drank it after an upset stomach. I drank a glass and a half of lemonade at Kozma Mikhailovich Nazarov’s; after that I drank milk at home.) The liturgy is memorable for the mercy of God over me, for the grace that has mercy, saves, and touches. There were singers (Saturday) from V.Ya. Koreneva; they sang nicely. The voice is clear, sonorous towards the middle of mass and then clearer and more sonorous - from grace, which has cleansed my heart, cluttered with unclean deeds; and before the Cherubim song the voice was unclean and silent. From the Cherubim great tears of tenderness; He took communion with boldness and came to life; then, to the end, sweet tenderness and contemplation of the boundless goodness of God. During the all-night vigil in the Duma church I felt great. The voice is clear, sonorous, the soul is calm, the body is completely healthy. I thank the Lord for His Divine, all-healing Mysteries. Oh, how much consolation there is in our holy faith! How life-giving she is! Our faith is truly the source of living water. This must be instilled in everyone. I sinned before God and before myself by eating fish greedily in the evening (smelt) and a cutlet, almost fish mixed with meat, and drinking milk unnecessarily, and smoking a cigar; That’s why it was hard for me, my heart, in the evening, and now it’s hard in the morning: I feel extreme weakness. There was no need to eat in the evening or just a French bun with tea - and that was enough. December 23. Sunday seven and a half hours. I praise, thank and exalt the Lord for His ineffable mercies towards me, a sinner, during the Liturgy: His mercy saved me, repentant and tearful, from crampedness and weakness of soul and body, from a weak voice and gave me space, peace, strength, a sonorous voice during the Liturgy; by His grace, I partook with boldness of the Most Pure Mysteries, into peace of soul, into health, strength and strength - and with great boldness and joy I spoke the words of His Grace Gregory of Kazan 41 about the good shepherd. After receiving communion and drinking the Holy Mysteries, I became healthy, strong and young in spirit and body. I thank the Lord for the beginning of the establishment of the Trusteeship of the church by our choice of members and chairman, Mikhail Osipovich Britnev; Alexander Britiev is a scolder: he strongly scolded the Metropolitan, and all of us along with Nikolai Sidorov, he found fault, barked, jumped up like a dog, boasted extremely about himself: I, they say, would set you on course if I were your headman. May the Lord reward him soon for his great insolence, his blasphemy, or may he humble him and make him respectful and obedient to his spiritual superiors. He reproached us with his crumbs, with his little crumbs. God! These goats curse at us, Your servants. Blow on them the spirit of Thy indignation, for their pride has risen to the heavens and for them there is nothing sacred on earth; They all blaspheme, they mock all Your holy things, they have grown fat from the multitude of Your gifts; There is no fruit for anyone from them; they infect others with their wickedness. Touch not My anointed (by the way, the priests), and do not harm My prophets [Ps. 104, 15]. Touching them is like touching the apple of God's eye. We are the servants of Christ and the builders of the Mysteries of God [1 Cor. 4, 1]. Haven’t you, lay people, already known the immeasurably great blessings sent down to you through the priests? Through their performance of the Sacraments, teaching, guidance to salvation? Without them, you would be like dog vomit, like feces, like sheep without a shepherd, like blind people, like the devil’s sure prey. I repent before the Lord of the greed with which I ate late last night, even at night, at about 12 o’clock: I ate fried bream with white bread (bun), which is why there was a lustful kindling at night. And he ate because he couldn’t sleep, as if his stomach was empty. I drank a lot of sweet tea (six glasses at the gymnasium director’s, and at home). It turned out bad that yesterday I drank a lot of tea and ate fish and a roll, washed down with tea again; Today I feel irritation of the nerves, blockage in the stomach, binding, interruptions in singing and a weak voice. It is a hundred times better to drink milk with black bread, even during fasting, than sweet tea: it is healthier and healthier and morally better. For sweet tea produces a greater disposition towards uncleanness of heart than milk and lust. From now on I will drink black bread with milk, and not tea, or only the smallest amount of tea. I feel a bad feeling from yesterday’s hot tea, which I drank in large quantities, and from white bread: burning, irritation, nausea. Again the Lord betrothed me to Himself in mercy and bounty, again cleansed me of many sins, raised my soul from the dead, healed illnesses through the communion of His wonderful, Divine, life-giving Mysteries. I came to the All-Night Vigil today with a tight, pinched and troubled heart. My heart was dead, sad, moping after a weak and short sleep and some grief at my wife for the malfunction and unwillingness to please me. But the Lord again accepted my repentance: he cleansed my soul, raised my soul from the dead, comforted, revived, established, spread - and I had a festive spirit. Glory to the Lord, who raises the dead and me, who is constantly killed by my sins. My mortifier is always near me or in me and mortifies me with the passions of my flesh. But my Sweetest Savior and God is near me and in me and revives me. Glory to His mercy and wonderful long-suffering. Glory to the grace of God, which yesterday at the all-night vigil gave me, along with cleansing, sanctification, peace, lightness, space of soul and body, and last night a peaceful, sweet, light, life-giving sleep! Glory to the born God! There is peace on earth and good will on me. December 25, 1873. How sweet and peaceful it is to be in love with God and with God! What does it mean in comparison with this joy, the joys of this world, delivered by worldly distinctions, wealth and feasts, and food and drink in general, in which we love to seek our bliss?! It is good for me to cleave to God, to place the hope of my salvation in the Lord! 42 Lord! Yesterday during the all-night vigil you removed death from my soul through my cry to You and brought life into my heart. I confess Your goodness, Your mercy, Your power! It was good that I judged myself yesterday in my conversation with Alex. Moiseevich Fedorov - in self-indulgence, gluttony, gluttony and drunkenness. This is truly a disgrace in my life, and the harm it does to my soul and body is enormous. So it’s stupid that I ate veal yesterday evening: I don’t need to eat veal - it gives off stinking fumes, it’s bad in the mouth, of course, in the stomach, and it’s burdensome to the heart. When will I end this eating disorder? Until I define order, rules, norms? How long do I not live by the word of God and prayer? Whether I eat meat, even chicken, or drink milk due to illness, I become like insensitive cattle, it is difficult for me to pray and read the word of God, I am rude and impudent towards my neighbors, especially towards the poor and towards my household. God! Correct me and forgive my great sins. I was extremely embarrassed and hurt in soul and body when I found out that my wife, together with her sister-in-law, and her sister, were taking her children to St. Petersburg just to go for a ride, and not really to their mother; and for a long, long time there was ulcer and confusion in me, until I sincerely repented of my grief and embitterment. I thought: I have been raising these children for so many years, so much from them and because of their mischief, anxiety, not to mention the protos 43; Now my sister-in-law has received a position and does not want to take the children with her, leaving them still at my expense and worry - how long will this be? But what was the cause of grief here? Isn't it self-love, isn't it self-indulgence, isn't it lust, isn't it gluttony, isn't it love of money, isn't it love for this world? Did these children lead me into poverty? Didn't the Lord reward me with everything? Aren't my rooms nice? Don’t I have a separate room in which I am calm from all the screams and pranks of children? Isn’t it a great merit to feed orphans, even in bliss? But the wife spoils them too much and feeds them with all possible luxury like they were being slaughtered! But don’t I myself eat and drink luxuriously every day? And isn’t it a sin to feel sorry for children, these angelic souls, these members of Christ and the children of Christ, the pure gifts of God? Do I not have everything from the Lord? But my wife separated me from all my comrades and acquaintances? It's hard. But is this also a loss for the sake of the Lord? - maybe God will soon deliver you from such bonds and self-imprisonment and allow you to get closer to your comrades and parishioners in your apartment. Let the Lord’s holy will be done, not my sinful one, although the enemy forces me to stand my ground. This is what I talked about, preached to others today (in the apartment of the old woman Ekaterina Stepanovna), what happened to me myself: the storm of the enemy found me, the waves with the storm rose up in me and completely drowned me, and from trifles - that my wife and widowed sister-in-law were taking the children to St. Petersburg only for a short while and would return to me again. I forgot the reward for this from the Lord, for raising children that were not my own. Where is the desire for future unspeakable blessings? Imperishable treasures of eternal life? Where is the desire to atone for the sins of youth by educating, among other things, other people’s children, so that with blessed children I too may inherit God’s blessing? For whoever gives one of these little ones to drink only a cup of cold water... will not lose his reward [Matt. 10, 42]. Of such is the Kingdom of Heaven [Matt. 19, 14]. So, may I always be content in abundance and may I not be discouraged because of empty things. Let the adversary be put to shame. But let me stop from immeasurable pleasures, for they cleave me through my voluptuous and multi-passionate flesh to this world. Mountain, yes, I’m philosophizing. Yes, I trample on everything earthly like rubbish, for everything is dust. Where is the joy of the Nativity of Christ, the heavenly joy? Where is the joy of our spiritual rebirth and renewal? Where is the joy of deification? Where are the hopes of eternal blessings? Everything disappeared because of empty things, because of addiction to the world, because of pride and self-indulgence. This is how necessary it is to renounce all of yourself. When I should have been calm, I was worried. How stupid is a passionate heart! And in the complete contentment and happiness of everyday life, it finds discontent, confusion, torment, misfortune, for true good is in God, in devotion to Him, in obedience to Him, in hope in Him, in love for Him and in love for one’s neighbor. Yesterday evening (December 28) I was furious with my babies, like Herod, and initiated persecution against them in absentia, through my wife, having an irresistible, restless, zealous desire to return their mother to her place of residence in St. Petersburg. But precisely because this desire was restless, zealous, somehow passionate, I understand that it was from the devil. Saul, Saul! Why are you persecuting Me? [Acts. 9, 4]. What am I doing? - I persecute the Lord in the face of the poor. I also persecute innocent babies who are not malicious - and the beggars are as gentle as babies. So again, through experience, I was convinced that there is nothing in the world more precious than the grace of God - and if there is no peace, love for one’s neighbor in the heart, but there is greed for earthly goods, stinginess, love of money, then a person’s life becomes torture, but with grace and with small property a Christian is happy, content and calm. May I live with grace and may I indulge in treats and pleasures of food and drink, for this pleasure enlivens the flesh and its passions, and does not kill it - but I need to kill it, crucify it. Enough for you to rage, my flesh. Oh, the manifestations of passions are exhausting and painful! Oh, senseless malice and greed, jealousy and envy of the soul and flesh. Why are you crying, howling cowardly? What did your mental enemies deprive you of? Is it grace, peace and love? Cry about it. But if people deprive and have deprived you of earthly property or damaged any of your things, do not lament about this ashes, do not cry, and do not fall away from love and peace, for there is nothing more valuable than these blessings - they are incorruptible. And for those who take away and offend, pray with love, for they will give an answer to God for their insults. Oh, the whim of the flesh! Oh, malice! Oh, carnal zeal! O love of this world! O voluptuousness! Oh, carnality! Oh, self-indulgence! Instead of pleasing others for the good and instead of self-sacrifice and self-deprivation! Is it not sweetness and satiety that cry out within me and torment me? Yesterday I took food and drink five times in different places, not so much nourishing as irritating coffee and strong tea. Am I really sorry for my wife and children that I am reluctant to let them go to St. Petersburg? Let me let them go with joy: let me give them freedom, just as I allow myself to walk and go wherever I want. (Other people’s pies and tea became [across] me, and maybe excesses.) Remember the prayer of the Trisagion - what kind of person appears here. Remember the prayers at baptism, what kind of person appears here: make him a sheep... ud honest... son and heir... Sunday. I thank the Lord, who made it worthy to successfully perform Matins, Liturgy and prayer, loudly and with spiritual strength, although with a severe headache (before the fall of heavy snow). I thank the Lord, who has deigned me to partake of His Divine and life-giving Mysteries, for purification and sanctification, strength, healing and health of soul and body. Thank you for reviving me through two baptisms and several prayer services. I thank the Lord, who graciously had mercy on me, the cruel one, when in sorrow and crampedness I turned to Him with a prayer of repentance, and who delivered me from sorrow and crampedness, and gave peace and space to my soul - and I reproached and condemned the poor and shouted at them for coming to me often: but they are in great need, and I am guilty against them. Punish (Church Glav.) – teach, admonish; punish for wrongdoing. Akathist to the Most Holy Theotokos. Ikos 8th. Paraphrase of the irmos of the 7th song of the Great Penitential Canon of St. Andrew of Crete. Space (Church Slavic) – spaciousness, breadth, freedom. Ugobzisya zelo (Church Glav.) - brought a lot of fruit. Tune (Church Glav.) - for free. Tolikokratno (church-glav.) - many times (too much - so much, so much). So much (church glory) - so many, so great. Being the Lord and Creator of all, the impassive God, having become impoverished, united creation with Himself, and, being Easter for all for whom He was preparing to die, He first sacrificed Himself, crying: eat My Body and be strengthened by faith. On Holy and Great Thursday at Matins, Irmos of the Canon, Canto 3. Rogom is a brand of French Cahors. Gregory (Postnikov; 1784 – 1860), Metropolitan of Novgorod and St. Petersburg. In 1814 he graduated from the St. Petersburg Theological Academy, where one of his mentors was St. Philaret (Drozdov), who had a great influence on him. Since 1819 - rector and ordinary professor of the St. Petersburg Academy; maintained strict order at the Academy, improved educational programs, and improved the financial situation of students; taught theological sciences, Holy Scripture, participated in the translation of Holy Scripture into Russian. His lectures were distributed in printed and handwritten form to many religious educational institutions. The works of Metropolitan Gregory laid the foundation for official spiritual journalism in Russia: in 1821 he founded one of the first spiritual magazines in the country, Christian Reading; in 1855, the Orthodox Interlocutor magazine began publishing in Kazan; in 1857, the Spiritual Conversation magazine, intended for the laity, was founded. In 1822, Gregory was consecrated Bishop of Revel, vicar of the St. Petersburg diocese. In 1825 he was appointed to the Kaluga See, where he began to actively engage in missionary activities among the Old Believers. In 1832 he headed the celebration of the discovery of the relics of St. Mitrophan of Voronezh. In 1848 he was appointed Archbishop of Kazan and Sviyazhsk. He paid special attention to missionary activity, took care of strengthening the common faith, and headed a committee to translate liturgical books into the Tatar language. At his insistence, missionary departments were opened at Theological Academies and Seminaries in St. Petersburg, Moscow, Kazan, and Kyiv. Bishop Gregory was a major specialist in the history of the Old Believers. His book “The Truly Ancient and Truly Orthodox Church of Christ” (1854) was published four times during the saint’s lifetime. In 1856, he was elevated to the rank of metropolitan and transferred to the St. Petersburg See, and from that time on he was a first-present member of the Synod. Metropolitan Gregory was a tireless preacher; he preached at every service, addressing the listeners with simple, brief, but succinct instructions. Metropolitan Gregory was a member of the St. Petersburg Academy of Sciences (since 1821), an honorary member of the department of Russian language and literature (since 1841) and the general meeting of the Academy of Sciences (since 1856). He led a strict, ascetic lifestyle and was distinguished by generous charity. He was buried in the Holy Spiritual Church of the Alexander Nevsky Lavra. Prayer “O Lord, most loving of mankind...” from the follow-up to Holy Communion. Wed. Ps. 72, 28. Protori (obsolete) – costs, expenses, losses. You might be interested in: