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I sinned before God, and before people, and before myself, that today I got carried away with the food and drank a lot of wine, having fogged my head, and could not properly control myself in class. A glass of champagne spoiled me: without it I would have been whole. It made me dizzy even in the evening. Cover my sins, O Lord, with the multitude of Your mercies. (The feast was after the prayer service on the ship at the water-drawing machine in the new dock.) What am I doing myself, I, a cruel accuser of others of drunkenness? He himself got drunk and drunk, and so he went to class, and led the children into temptation - but woe to that person, it is said, through whom temptation comes [Matt. 18, 7]. How can I adequately pay for my sin! How can I destroy temptation? (And yesterday’s fish fights strongly in my limbs, especially at night. I am an incontinent brute!) I thank the Lord, who made me worthy to perform the early liturgy and taste His heavenly Divine Mysteries. My condition before communion was bitter, painful to the point of death: the stings of the enemy inside me stung, weakened, confused, oppressed, humiliated, and put me to shame; I could not speak some common words, as before (at the great entrance, at the dismissal of the liturgy and requiem). Today and in the future I have been convinced by bitter experience that the common, ordinary, terrible disease of the souls and bodies of the sons of Adam, including mine, is earthly love, or love for earthly goods, especially greed for food and drink, for money, for clothing, for distinctions, for the comforts and beauty of the home. Because of this terrible sting that the serpent placed in me, I still suffer terribly, being deceived and wounded and bringing upon myself powerlessness, shame, illness, dumbness and voicelessness. Because of yesterday's excesses in drinking wine and because of excesses in general in food and drink in the past days, today I suffered terribly at early mass; Moreover, scrofula opened and burned me inside. Away with greed and greed for food and drink! Away with the daily Egyptian work of plywood making 73 . For what if not plintha, food and my very body, or money and all the blessings of the earth? Give me the only thing I need - God and His grace, for only in God is my life, peace, rest, spaciousness, in God is my strength, my glory. Every kingdom divided against itself is desolate; and every city or house divided against itself cannot stand. And if Satan casts out Satan, then he is divided with himself: how can his kingdom stand? [Matt. 12, 24–26]. Was Christ divided? [ 1 Cor. 1, 13]. If it is divided, then His grace-filled Kingdom - the Church - will not stand, but it will have an end; and meanwhile the Lord said: I will build My Church, and the gates of hell will not prevail against it [Matt. 16, 18 ]; I am with you always, even to the end of the age [Matt. 28, 20]. To him be glory in the church in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, from age to age [Eph. 3, 21]. I believe in one Holy, Catholic and Apostolic Church 74. Divine services, the performance of all the Sacraments, fasting according to the Gospel, virginal or monastic life - the highest realization of Christianity, holy relics, holy miraculous icons, the correct hierarchy, the way of spreading the faith, communication with the saints (God is not dead, but living: for that is why all things live [Luke 20:38]), communication with the dead (also living in spirit) - the whole history of the Church proves, that the true Church is the Orthodox Church. The absence of very many of the items mentioned exposes other churches, especially Protestant ones, to the untruthfulness and unorthodoxy; The Church is Noah's Ark (Apostle Peter, Saint Chrysostom!). From the very beginning, the enemy persecuted the Church of Christ and tried to completely destroy it. The apostles are bound by a union of love 75. Prayer of the Lord: may they all be one, just as You, Father, are in Me, and I in You, so may they also be one in Us [Jn. 17, 21 ]; then he divided it with heresies and schisms - and in the Old Testament, God wanted to completely eclipse and suppress faith in the true one, introducing idolatry and thousands of gods. In the New Testament - and in modern times, he armed slyly wise philosophers against the Church: Spinoza, Renan, Strauss, Schleiermacher and others; we have a split with many divisions; the newest schismatics. The enemy of God and men is leading the way to destroy the faith and the Church from the earth with false wisdom, although it is not possible; so the Antichrist will try to destroy Christianity with false signs, wonders and powers. And now people slyly philosophize that all faith is good - it doesn’t matter what faith you profess: there is only one God; hence the complete indifference to faith in general and to one’s own, the Orthodox. – A dangerous state of the soul and religion in the soul: this is tantamount to the fact that there is no faith, for many faiths exclude one another. In the Old Testament there is a prototype of a single Church - a single house of Jacob, a vineyard, a single Jewish church. Love no longer exists [1 Cor. 13, 8]. This sign has been preserved only by the Orthodox Church, which has not yet fallen away from the truth of the Gospel and the Holy Fathers; other Churches have fallen away from the truth - both from the unity of the Body and from the communion of the Spirit; They tore apart the robe of Christ - His Church; fell away from the Body (rite of joining): He who disobeyed the Church, like a pagan and a tax collector (the Church, not the churches) [Matt. 18, 17]. If anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, he is not His [Rom. 8, 9]. And how can we preach if they are not sent? [Rom. 10, 15]. And no one accepts this honor of his own accord, but he who is called by God, like Aaron [Heb. 5, 4]. And the state introduces unity in management, laws, and institutions. Be of one mind and of one mind [Phil. 2, 2]. Saturday. I experienced great spiritual distress, madness, shame today at a prayer service with Ivan Filippovich of Prussia after eating and drinking homemade (black bread with butter, milk, sweet tea, cream); I was embarrassed and stuttered due to the insidiousness of evil and crafty spirits in me, who produced lustful movements in me at the presentation of two female persons - an angelic, beautiful mother and the same girl. Oh, damnation, oh, the impurity of my heart! Oh, earthly passions! Oh, idolatrous life! Until now I imagine that I need to eat and drink more in order to live, and not less, and I am cruelly mistaken, and I ruin my soul, without gaining anything for my body. I must strictly weigh the needs of the body and not give a single spool 76 too much for the multi-passionate flesh. During the prayer service, and even after, I felt satiety, and as a result - powerlessness, lust of heart, fear, confusion. Lord, have mercy! If the Lord Jesus Christ called us to incorruptible life (I come to incorruptible life today 77), then why am I, senseless, still working hard for corruption, pleasing the belly, serving mammon, seeking the corruptible glory of this world, seeking glory from men - the glory that is from the One God [Jn. 5:44], I do not seek, although my Savior convicts me of it? Why am I looking for something that does not accompany me in that age? How much have I suffered because of gluttony and drunkenness and still have not come to my senses? How long has my heart grown cold towards God and neighbor because of my addiction to the corruptible goods of the world? How much shame, spiritual powerlessness, sorrows, oppression, suffering there was? O holy apostles, hierarchs, martyrs, saints! May your example teach me how I should lead the Christian life, how to be renewed in spirit, how to put off the old man, how to love Christ above all else, how to crucify the flesh with its passions and lusts, how to feed the verbal sheep redeemed by the Blood of Christ, how to be for the faithful [1 Tim. 4, 12 ], how to burn in spirit, to work for the Lord! A small one must begin his obedience to the Lord with small things, so that, having become faithful in small things, he can become faithful in many things, for a limited being can gradually, step by step, ascend to strength and perfection. So, the Lord gave a small commandment to Adam and Eve; this commandment was needed for them as an exercise for their free will, as a force, for a freely limited being cannot be imagined without a law or a commandment, which for him is like food, life, ascent to strength, to perfection. Beware of inappropriate and excessive sweets, for the enemy is accustomed to corrupt us with the lure of sweets; in sweetness - corruption of soul and body. He who desires future sweets tastes little of earthly, lovely, perishable sweets. Do not particularly turn your heart’s eye to women’s charms, women’s beautiful faces, for this is the cunning of the enemy and the entrapment of the soul into sin through impure lust. Turn your heart's eyes to the almighty, most pure, most beautiful Artist of every creature, who created everything wisely, purely, beautifully, unblemished, and expediently. Hate every unclean and evil thought, as the work of the evil one who curses God and His creation. Look in a person not at the face, but at his god-like, beautiful soul, giving a beautiful appearance to the body and face; the body itself is dust, an ugly substance. Oh, how wisely everything was created by God! (From satiety, fornication in the heart and in the flesh, the crampedness of hell, shame, darkness, deprivation of help from above!) Sunday. Early mass. Extreme cramped conditions, grief to the point of death; the voice is unclean, difficult; strong temptations; the spirit and body are painful, stumbling is quite frequent. After communion of the Holy Mysteries he became more animated; I got a little lost in the prayer behind the pulpit; It was difficult at the prayer service. All these are the fruits of former intemperance, partly a consequence of the bath, excessive drinking of tea. From small things, what great and grave consequences! At the prayer services that I served after early mass, I felt heavy, by the way, I think, from stomach constipation. After homemade cheesecake, which relieved my stomach, I felt very easy. I thank the Lord, who revived me through the communion of His Holy, life-giving, immortal, heavenly Mysteries! The late Archpriest Father Vasily Kozmich Nektarevsky told [G...] Ivan Fedorovich in confession that all great sins come from small ones: a thief begins to steal from a little - a thread, a needle, a few kopecks, and reaches a big one. This and similar things were said about breaking the Nativity fast; said that there is no need to violate ([...]). (One Church. One body, one spirit, just as you were called quickly in one hope [Russian: called to one hope] of your calling: one Lord, one faith, one baptism, one God and Father of all [Eph. 4, 4 – 6]). I believe in one God... in one... Church; I confess one baptism 78 . Simon! Simon! Behold, Satan has asked to sow you like wheat... [Lk. 22, 31]. Oh, satiety, gluttony! How I suffer mentally and physically because of these stupid, senseless habits, especially mentally, for example, when I serve a prayer service somewhere or perform some other service, demand or some kind of Sacrament! I am like a small boat then, overwhelmed by contrary winds, flooded and broken - I become powerless to cope with the winds and with my oars: with language and words! There is tightness in the soul, death, darkness, complete powerlessness - at other moments! In those moments I am convinced that I need to fast unceasingly, but when I go home or face the food and drink, I am again tempted, senseless! Today (May 6) a prayer service was served on Zabelsky’s ship with three men in the hold, and I could not serve well, boldly, without stumbling: demonic fear attacked me. And in the morning I ate a bun with butter and drank sweet tea - that’s what caused the trouble! What would it be like if I were imbued with grace and every word of God! I would be courageous, bold, unstumbling, strong in spirit, with my goals intact! Grant me, Lord, to love constant fasting, which is so necessary for me during spiritual warfare. My enemies do not slumber or sleep and constantly seek my destruction! And how much they have taken possession of in my spiritual realm! I thank the Lord, who called me, obscene and weak, to celebrate the early Divine Liturgy (from Shlyakova) and who revived me, dead in sins, with holy communion of the Divine and life-giving Mysteries of His Most Pure Body and Blood. I was very weak and nervous during mass: my insides were trembling from the action of the enemy; I was afraid, embarrassed, and could not utter any other words. (In the future I will not drink tea or wine from Father Fyodor Petropavlovsky: they caused me grief: the loss of nerves was terrible - Sidorov’s first memorial service.) You don’t need to walk a lot either: your nerves are falling. The enemy is pressing heavily on me, guilty of many sins. God! deliver me from his violence. I thank the Lord, who made me worthy to celebrate the Liturgy in the Cemetery Church of the Holy Trinity for Your servant Martha Filippovna (Sidorov’s wife), although in cramped conditions, sorrow and fear, but fruitful for the soul and for the health of the body. God! Destroy every alliance I have with sin and establish an alliance with virtue and with You. Hey, wake up! He loved righteousness and hated iniquity [Ps. 44, 8]. (Nikolai Mikhailovich Semenov has an all-night vigil on May 9.) I was cruelly tempted today and suffered from the enemy through the desire for an earthly reward (Order of St. Anne, III degree), for which, according to the director of the gymnasium, I have been nominated since the fall of last year, but about which there is still no word or breath. And rightly so: I, a priest, clothed in Divine dignity, a dweller on high, an angel by rank, passionately desired an earthly reward in order to show off, to show off with external distinction, despising the inner god-like tabernacle (I diligently cared for external decoration alone 79). I must constantly keep in mind my inner ugliness, my passions, which have distorted the image of God in me and destroyed the likeness of God, and not care about external decoration, which distracts the heart’s gaze and thoughts from the inner church of the soul, which is all empty and pale 80; I must continually lament with weeping for my sins, with which I constantly anger my God, rise in purity, brightening the sacred mystery of the Trinity 81; I must care and pray day and night for the salvation of the verbal flock of Christ entrusted to me, redeemed by His priceless Blood, to teach them in timely and untimely Christian virtues and truths, so that they live in accordance with their high Christian calling, look forward to the second terrible coming of the Son of God to earth and avoid earthly vanity and lustful worldly aphids - while I myself am carried away vanity and corruption, adding corruption to corruption, deception to deception, and in food and drink to gluttony and drunkenness - gluttony and drunkenness, or in clothing - to clothing, or money to money, honors to honors, insignia to signs. How long is madness? How long is self-deception, how long is charm? For how deadly crowded it was during mass, when I thought about the reward and complained about the boss who deceived me! And I saw a terrible dream in the night: a terrible storm that devastated the entire wooden house in which I was (my body), broke all the glass (grace, the light of grace), produced a terrible flood, in which I drowned with fear and was crushed by some kind of cart - and I woke up. The day before, I ate a lot and got drunk at Nikolai Mikhailovich Semenov’s (birthday boy); At night there was a strong prodigal excitement - excess food suppressed me. And today again he ate and drank sweetly and a lot from him, and therefore at the christening he was ridiculed by the enemy, and at the unction too. This race is driven out only by prayer and fasting [Matt. 17, 21]. I sinned against the Lord, both before myself, and before my family and strangers: I smoked a cigar, and not in my room, so as not to spoil the air, but in the room of my wife and children. And what an abomination, what a toilet in my mouth! Real feces And I do this after communion of the Holy Mysteries! Oh, accursed, insensitive, whimsical, ungrateful! Have mercy, Lord! No one can serve two masters, that is, the Lord and Belial, God and wealth, or vanity and the vanity of this world, for either he will hate one and love the other; or he will be zealous for one and neglectful of the other [Matt. 6, 24]. This is what happened to me yesterday during mass: regretting that I had not received an award, the Order of St. Anne, III degree, I neglected the bloodless Sacrifice that I performed, stung by my addiction to perishable decoration; gave place within myself to Belial, who outraged, hurt, darkened, constrained me, depriving me of freedom. From this I learned that I am partial to the praises and distinctions of this world, having forgotten that my praise is the Lord, that my reward is the Lord, who leads my deeds and thoughts, and not people, not this world, adulterous and sinful, lying in evil, having dishonored and killed the Lord of glory and His faithful friends. The world rewards us and in return demands indulgence in its evil and adulterous deeds, coldness and indifference to the Orthodox faith, to the fulfillment of its duties or offices. No, - I, deified by the priesthood and Divine baptism, confirmation and communion, have nothing more to desire on earth, in this vain, corruptible life - I must seek the honor of a heavenly calling, rewards from the Lord: He is the righteous Judge and the true Appreciator and our sure reward, not by partiality, not out of selfishness, but in truth rewarding or punishing us eternal reward or eternal torment. The [heavier] is the disappointment, if someone is rewarded here, he will be thrown into great torment there. I thank the Lord for the gift of rebirth and renewal, peace, boldness, victory after communion of the divine and life-giving Mysteries at the liturgy that I celebrated this day. The voice is strong, and strong, and pure - but the struggle is also strong, to the death or to the stomach; At the beginning of the liturgy, God gave tenderness and the gift of tears, and with them my soul was strengthened and somewhat purified. Oh, Belial! How fierce he is! Simon! Simon! Behold, Satan asked to sow you like wheat, but I prayed for you, so that your faith would not fail [Lk. 22, 31 – 32] (and I, by the gift of grace, pray for those who ask to pray). The enemy is distracted by worries about vain, earthly things: food, drink, clothing, money, awards, distinctions. Through this, faith and love in the hearts weaken and become impoverished (especially through unclean passions, through passion for the theater and clubs). Everyone has their own experience. Frivolity in faith (strengthen your brethren [Luke 22:32]) - from everyday worries, worries, addictions. Dig and deepen [Lk. 6, 48]. Leave everything to the Lord - and earthly rewards. Here the deacons live without awards. You often say prayers: Holy God, Most Holy Trinity, Our Father, Theotokos, Angel of Christ. Have the Lord, the Mother of God, the Guardian Angel, and the holy saints become closer (with the repetition of these sweetest names) to your heart? Do you love more? Are you further from sin? Do you hate sin? Do you love the truth? You often pronounce the names of the sovereign, the empress, the entire royal house, the synod, the Orthodox bishopric, the deaconry, the clergy, the people! Are these dear names close to your heart? Do you pray for them with love? The Church, as one, is compared to a body, to a ship (the Helmsman), to a house (foundation Christ [1 Cor. 3:11; Eph. 2:20]), to a vineyard [Matt. 21, 33], with a vine [Jn. 15, 1], with one flock, which has one Shepherd [John. 10, 16], with the sheepfold [John. 10, 1 ]; with the church (it shines for everyone... in the church [Matthew 5:15]), with the garden [cf. Matt. 15, 13], with a small flock [Lk. 12, 32]. Indifference in religions and beliefs is equal to unbelief. There is only one truth. Az... for this reason I came into the world, that I may testify to the truth [Jn. 18 37]. The Catholic Church introduces false statutes; develops pharisaism, outward piety, hypocrisy, and spreads corruption among the clergy with false definitions. The king - the pope - established an army and was surrounded by troops. About the papacy. To introduce an unnecessary addition from human imagination into the Creed and thereby prove that the Roman bishop is above the Ecumenical Councils is ungodly pride, an exaltation levied on the mind of God 82 ; The Savior of men said about such pride: what is high among people is an abomination to God [Lk. 16, 15]. The papists claim that the pope is the head of the entire Church and all bishops, but the Lord said to His disciples: yet you are brothers [Matt. 23:8], and initially chose two brothers Andrew and Simon Peter as apostles, and then again two brothers, James and John, demonstrating that the spirit of His faith is the spirit of unity and brotherly love. He, the Lord Jesus Christ, on the occasion of the indignation of the ten apostles against James and John for wanting primacy over the other disciples, said: you know that the princes of the nations rule over them, and the nobles rule over them; but let it not be so among you: but whoever wants to be great among you must be your servant; and whoever wants to be first among you must be your slave [Matt. 20, 25 – 27]. A direct denial of worldly dominion or dominance - and he set himself as an example of humility, saying: The Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve and to give His life as a ransom for many [Matt. 20, 28]. And they idolize dad. The washing of feet fully and briefly shows the whole spirit of Christ's humility and service of His apostles and their successors: it goes completely against the papal creation of God. Saints Cyril and Methodius. So You tested me, Lord, early in the morning, when there was a fire in the neighborhood and when they called me to the sick, and you found me unfaithful, malicious, malicious, malicious, selfish, impatient, unwilling to serve others, and grumbling. I see the malice of my heart, Lord, and I repent of my iniquities. (I was also indignant at the fact that at home they put my blanket under the children on the window.) Where can I get the strength and ability for sincere compassion, sympathy for my neighbors in sorrows, in illnesses, in misfortunes, in the troubles that befall them? My heart is corrupted by lust, satiety, greed and is alien to sincere love. Woe to me, wretched one! Instead of regretting, crying, praying for those who are in misfortune, misfortune, sorrow, or who have fallen into grave sins, I remain indifferent or secretly rejoice over the misfortune, saying to myself: this is what you deserve for your such and such (and I forget my sins) and such sins. When will I be a sincere lover of my neighbors of every kind, rank, condition, sex and age? When will I live not for myself, but for the Lord and my neighbors? God! Give me honesty, nobility and sincerity of spirit; Grant me the strength to love my neighbors as I love myself. In psalmody and church hymns one hears the voice of humanity enlightened in the soul, healthy or recovering from a spiritual illness, resurrected from spiritual death - while in the theater or in books there are often wild cries of passions, fever of passions, and a passion for the path of destruction. Oh, I need to occupy my sinful, multi-passionate soul with prayer, contemplation of God and reading the Holy Scriptures day and night, for in the course of sleep and one night the enemy sows in me many weeds of iniquity. Foolish, I do not value my soul, created in the image of God and redeemed by the Blood of the Son of God: I sell it for one poison, for pieces of silver, for clothes, for carnal, momentary pleasure. I eat and drink early and thereby deprive myself of the grace of God or spare the best food and drink for babies, as if it were unnecessary and luxurious - I myself would eat and drink the best, but this is impossible, because the capacity is small. Damned! Abstinence and fasting! Narrow is the gate and narrow is the way (the suffering Orthodox Church) that leads to life, and few find it... Wide is the gate and broad is the way (unbridled) that leads to destruction, and many go there [Matt. 7, 14; 13]. Beer and tea (for Fyodor Efimovich Taratin) cause tightness in the chest and restless sleep. Smoky room. His smoking. 17 May 74 How every earthly addiction oppresses my soul, kills it, darkens it, deprives it of peace and freedom! But thanks be to God: this very thing is turning me to God, the Source of life, truth, and teaches me to despise earthly goods, vain and short-term earthly pleasures and to value spiritual and heavenly blessings infinitely highly. When I am fed up, then I become irritable and angry, because excess food becomes a gore in me that butts, cuts, and stings me; I become a beast, ready to torment especially those who often ask me for alms. It's time to stop working on corruption and take up the mind and spiritual life! Lord, help me! How good it is for You to work, Lord! I have experienced this countless times - millions of experiences! I thank the Lord for the gift of tenderness during the all-night vigil, for the sweetness of grace, for spiritual light. How often and how many opportunities have I missed to receive the grace of God through my intemperance! Sunday. Late mass. I thank my Lord with all my heart, who has given me grace, who has girded me with power from above to perform the Divine Liturgy and to the non-judgmental communion of His Divine Mysteries of His Most Pure Body and Blood and to deliver the conversation. I stumbled from the devil’s action at the commemoration of His Grace the Metropolitan after the consecration of the Gifts of the Saints. Either from yesterday’s tea in the attic in Yakov Filippovich’s Gerasimov’s house, or from the black bread and cream at home, or from the bad weather today, my chest felt sore: it was hard to serve; however, the bass was healthy at first. Maybe from the dust in the church. I thank the Lord and the Most Holy Theotokos for their help in the ministry. We talk about the spread of the faith of Christ through the works of the apostles, equal-to-the-apostles, saints and reverend fathers in different places - but let us ask, has faith spread throughout our entire being, has it penetrated our consciousness, our heart, our activity? Has our mind been completely illuminated by its light? does our heart have peace, freedom, joy in this faith; Is our will directed towards good, does it not waver, is it not carried away by passions? These are important moral questions when studying church history. Have we learned meekness, humility, kindness, simple-heartedness, abstinence, chastity, honesty, fidelity, non-covetousness, obedience, patience, enduring insults, love for God and neighbors (and even enemies), and hard work? There is a wonderful description of the Lord’s ascension to heaven in the Colored Triodion, in the last stichera I cried out to the Lord and in the stichera. We need to write it down on paper: wonderful, divine, amazing! At night there is a slight pain in the stomach (from Dutch cheese and from excess). We must first affirm the truth that the true Church is one: a) Holy Scripture, [testimony of Councils and holy fathers]; then, that this one true Church is the Orthodox Church. The dream about Janisch: showed his disposition towards me. I'll see, right? From the 16th to the 17th at night I saw a strong fire in St. Petersburg; from the General Staff to Nevsky. How can you believe when you receive glory from each other, but do not seek the glory that is from the One God? [In. 5, 44]. Glory from each other - praise, orders, crosses, diplomas, ranks, applause; glory from the one God - poverty, humility, non-questioning, serving everyone secretly and openly. Because of the corned beef and because of the milk at dinner, I felt terribly sad during the evening: irritation, anger at the sexton; could not speak the litanies; in the pit of my stomach, my chest felt completely tight. Don't eat meat; don't drink milk. I thank the Lord with all my heart for the inexpressible mercy during the celebration of the Liturgy yesterday, for the cleansing of sins, revitalization, pacification, freedom, boldness, renewal. I sinned before God and people that I was angry in the church with the servants (watchmen) for leaving the window open in the dome of the church at night and during Matins, which caused extreme cold in the church; I spoke harsh words regarding the archpriest in the church and in the guardhouse. Have mercy, Lord, rise, Lord, save, Lord! Some everyday trifles: orders, awards, money - occupy us even during prayer, but the amazing miracle of God's mercy for the human race and for me, the incarnation of the Son of God, the word of God, the final outcome, eternal judgment, eternal life, suffering and the cross, the death of the Son of God - do not occupy me! Oh, ingratitude, oh, lack of understanding, oh, insensibility! What about the salvation of human souls?! Everything is inside out, inside out! I thank the Lord for the gift of bold, vigorous, loud service of the liturgy and non-judgmental communion of the divine and life-giving Mysteries. Devil! What have you done to the God-Man, the Most Holy, the All-Righteous, the Sun of Truth! Did you torture Him, kill Him with the most shameful and cruel death? You have committed infinitely great malice and untruth! May you be endlessly tormented by unspeakably terrible torment, together with your minions, with your angels and with people who are like you in malice, pride, deceit, uncleanness, and stubbornness in evil! For it is worthy and righteous. God! Help Your servants to unite with You, through true likeness to You in this life. I thank the Lord for the great help in my weakness, in my sorrow and in my cramped conditions, which happened to me from beer and tea: I repented from my heart, cried out with tears for salvation, and the Lord was not slow in giving me a helping hand. I thank the Lord for the liturgy, for reviving me with the Divine Mysteries. I had a lot of struggle with myself and with the opposing forces nesting in my heart, which made me afraid and cramped - cowardice, despair, powerlessness in pronouncing words. From excess in food and drink, the soul always inevitably weakens, becomes covered with shame and fear in serving God - until the grace of the hostile force overcomes through repentance. Glory to Your righteousness, Lord! Wrong life comes from wrong dogmas (indulgences, predestination, etc.; or: the Holy Spirit also comes from the Son). The Spirit of grace cannot dwell where they do not rightly believe in Him, contrary to the clear teaching of the Savior. Due to the distortion of the dogma of faith by Catholics and Lutherans, from the confusion of Catholics and Lutherans with the Orthodox and the adoption by the Orthodox of many Catholic and Lutheran customs, both the dogmas and the piety of the Orthodox faith are neglected by many Russians, and the Russians do not know which is the true faith, considering all equally saving. Trinity Saturday. I sinned before God yesterday last Friday, I drank breast milk with a bun with short-lived butter; Tomorrow, I told myself to justify myself, there is a lot of work, I need to soften my chest - and I drank two glasses. But today the devil crushed and crushed me because of yesterday’s violation of fasting: I was terribly tempted, I could not control myself, I did not finish the litanies; the poison of the serpent spread in me terribly; the most painful disgrace of face; he was all covered in a burning sore; The canon for the dead was read with triumph. Well, the devil is angry! What a scoundrel! Inexpressible! God! deliver me from his plans, from his deeds! I deny you, Satan, and all your deeds and all your service and all your pride. I am united with You, Christ 83, have mercy on me and accept me who repents to You. Oh, how gluttony has punished me. How I am bombarded by demonic hordes! (Murashov Alex, was, our two archpriests: Pavel and Matthew.) Early this morning they called me to baptize a sick baby, and I got up with great difficulty, could barely move my legs, my heart felt nauseous. The sky was filled with light clouds. The milk made me sick. Next week, when I receive Holy Communion, I need to drink as little milk as possible and definitely fast and eat little, little. And you shouldn’t drink sweet tea; eat bread and water. Through fasting we despise everything, and that is why the Lord degrades us, and we disappear and suffer. Beware: gluttony and satiety, and perhaps even drunkenness, have become a habit for me; You’ll probably get to the point where you won’t even consider it a sin. More like abstinence. Yesterday I greedily ate cheesecakes when I shouldn’t have (in the evening, late), after a snack at a party. Because of this, severe itching or itching arose at night and did not allow me to sleep. The righteous had the habit of extreme abstinence, but I, a sinner, had the habit of extreme satiety! Alas for me! And prodigal dispositions are also common! Alas for me! Whit Monday. I thank the Lord for serving the liturgy in the Assumption Church at the request of Al. M. Neustroyev, her elder, and for the uncondemned communion, which resurrected me, renewed me, strengthened me, and made me glad. Oh, wonderful Sacrament that rules over all! Oh, Sacrament - God in the flesh! I lost peace and space, freedom of heart through the desire to take off my photographic card when I served a prayer service in the house of Murashka in Krasnaya Street, with a peasant woman, in the presence of a well-intentioned schismatic. The enemy brought especially great sorrow and oppression and shame, gloom and powerlessness upon me after treating me to sweet tea and wine at the old woman Ekaterina Stepanovna’s (I drank four glasses of white port): I celebrated the wedding of a Catholic with an Orthodox woman, and woe was to me from ethereal enemies: they completely sat on me and drove off; they ridiculed me, tied me hand and foot, I couldn’t speak many, many words and was released; and the christening in the church (Sorokin the merchant godfather) performed with extreme difficulty and confusion; and in Philip Stepanov’s house, too, everything is from wine! God! Be merciful to me, a sinner! I am deservedly punished with humiliation and shame! On May 20 there was good rain in the evening Thanks be to the Holy Life-giving Spirit of God, who revived creation with beneficent, nourishing and fragrant rain. Revive, O All-Holy Soul, with the dew of Thy grace our hearts, dried up by the heat of passions and killed by the corrupting breath of the devil. I thank the Lord for the wonderful revival of my corrupted being through the communion of the life-giving Mysteries of His Body and Blood during the early liturgy (from the Provorovs) of this day. I thank the Lord for the new victory through the grace of the life-giving Mysteries of the spirit of malice that invaded me, through the action of which and through my heartfelt corruption I became inwardly embittered at one snotty little one brought to communion - and I was ashamed, and weakened internally, and felt cramped. Glory, glory, glory to the miracles of the Divine Mysteries! By the action of grace, Konstantin Ivanovich Morgasov served loudly and with boldness a prayer service for the blessing of water in the presence of many unfamiliar guests. I praise the Lord. We are looking for earthly rewards that adorn the body, but we forget about the reward, the honor of a heavenly calling and do not seek it; We seek rewards, but we forget the works of God, we do not look at the works of the Lord; We diligently feed ourselves, but we do not feed the Lord’s sheep, we do not lift up the fallen, we do not comfort the sad, we do not instruct the ignorant, we do not lead the lost to the path of salvation [Ezek. 34, 3 – 8]. Will we not deserve condemnation from God all the more? Will all our deeds turn out to be vanity of vanities? We do not have time for the love of God 84; We do not correct our evil, evil, and passionate hearts and lives; We do not believe in the ascent to spiritual perfection in our hearts - but have put everything upside down. Moreover, we think that we are significant people. Oh, God's judgment is not the same as human judgment. But just as the heavens are separated from the earth, so the thoughts of God are separated from our thoughts and the ways of God from our ways [Isa. 55, 9]. The state of a person’s heart and life can be accurately judged by his favorite speeches, by his inclinations and aspirations. A spiritual person speaks most about God, about the soul, about eternity, about the means to achieve correction and possible perfection; The carnal man loves to talk about earthly things, about clothing, about food, about rich incomes, places, about enrichment, about earthly rewards and distinctions. Looking at God’s beautiful world and the endless variety of beautiful creatures of the world, great and small, I think: how beautiful is the Creator, my Creator, my Prototype, and what kind of person should I be in order to please such a beautiful Creator in order to unite with uncreated beauty? Away with the ugliness of sin and passions! May I love the imperishable beauty of virtue! Truly, many of us would not want earthly rewards and would willingly renounce them if we remembered the Last Judgment of Christ, which will be all the more severe for those who, being worthy of punishment and not reward for their deeds, desired and sought rewards and unworthily took them. True virtue does not seek reward from people, remembering the words of the Lord: when you have done everything commanded you, say: we are worthless slaves, because we did what we had to do [Lk. 17, 10 ]; and: My reward is with Me, to give to everyone according to his deeds [Rev. 22, 12 ]; and: Your reward is great in heaven [Matt. 5, 12], and: because you received your goodness in your belly [Lk. 16, 25 ] (that is, you considered only earthly things to be good, and despised heavenly things - you accepted what you considered to be good and what you craved. You got yours - there’s nothing for you to get here). The Holy Spirit transformed the apostles from earthly into heavenly - and the spirit of the world transformed us, the successors of their spirit, power, teaching, service, from spiritual to worldly, to earthly: we chase earthly things, we breathe earthly things, we talk about earthly things, while we need the heavenly spirit like air and light, like food and drink. Where is this soul-giving pastoral love for the flock in us? Where is the concern for the salvation of their souls, redeemed by the so precious Blood of God the Savior? Do we rush to console the sad? to raise the fallen, to oblige the 85 contrite, to help the suffering and the poor? convert the lost, establish the wavering? instruct the ignorant? Where is this apostolic zeal for the salvation of souls? Why isn't she there? Because we ourselves care little about the salvation of our souls, because we ourselves fell into the everyday whirlpool of care and addictions together with our spiritual children, did not rise above them in spirit, the heavenly spirit of salvation, did not rise in thoughts and hearts, like eagles, above earthly addictions; the beauty of the heavenly abodes does not captivate us, the wealth of grace passes by us, as it were, - we are more interested in earthly things, perishable things, the distinctions and honors of this world, than incorruptible, heavenly crowns, earthly treasures, than the treasures of heavenly blessings, so great that here the eye cannot see, and the ear cannot hear... what God has prepared for those who love Him [1 Cor. 2, 9]. After that, our life went all upside down: the tares of sin choke out the wheat, earthly amusements, games, on everyone’s mind and in deed. Now come with the word of salvation - you will be considered a native of the other world and a vain talker. What should we, shepherds, do? – We ourselves need to be reborn. My soul is the image of God, heavenly: it does not tend to cleave to anything earthly: food, drink, distinctions that adorn the flesh, money, amusements, luxury, etc.; all this is unworthy of her: her dignity and glory are imperishable - virtue. On the evening of the third day, or, better yet, at night, I smoked a cigar, not having the custom of smoking, and the consequence was very bad: the enemy surrounded my insides; at the prayer service at Kromido, I did not have the courage to serve the prayer service, read the Gospel, or say the great litany; In the District Court, I read the oath at first also with extreme hostile fear and apprehension, and only after a home-cooked dinner (green soup, brains, salad) did I read it with boldness - my nerves are extremely low after smoking, I’m just becoming sick. I thank the Lord, who saved me from fornication, unclean dreams and fornication in a dream through the image of the sign of the cross with faith. I forgot to protect myself with the sign of the cross at the beginning of my sleep, and the devil started his unclean game, and the outpouring of fornication was close: I woke up, protected my limbs with the cross, and there were no unclean dreams all night. Glory to Your cross! Glory to Your sign, Only Begotten Son of God! May 23. Thanks to the most merciful Lord for the abundant rain shed by His grace on the thirsty land, naked of every green ornament. With the rain, everything became lively, green, and fragrant. Glory to Thee, Holy, Life-Giving, Most Blessing, Almighty, All-Wise, Ever-Bearing and all the Existing Trinity - Father, Son and Holy Soul! Revive us too, whom You created in Your image and likeness! Cleanse us from our sins and sanctify us with Your eternal sanctification and save, save us! I thank the Lord, who graciously accepted my prayer of repentance after my grief at the poor youth who came to me for alms a second time, when he was given four kopecks and after his hair was torn; I thank the Lord, who had mercy on me and took away sorrow and oppression from my soul and gave me peace and freedom. I repented of my malice, stinginess, love of money, cruelty, greed, lust, laziness, negligence, impatience, idleness, fornication of the heart, etc. I confess before the Lord that I am unworthy of being awarded the Order of St. Anna, III degree, for my obstinacy with my family, for my anger, irritability, self-will, for my negligence in teaching, for my partying. And I must blame myself, and not the director, who deceived me for my sins, although, of course, he is not innocent either. God! Righteous to the Giver of Bribes! Forgive me, for I desired an earthly reward and was upset when I did not receive it. I was not rewarded worthily and righteously. Are they rewarded for sins and shortcomings? Aren't they being punished? Forgive me for my pride and ambition. Grant me to work for You alone and to expect righteous reward from You, and not from people, and to be above the praise and blasphemy of men, for very often it is unrighteous - may the consolation of a clear conscience be my praise. Thank the Lord: the day is warm, even hot, clear, sunny, there is a fragrance everywhere after the evening and night rain! Oh, if only there were in our souls the everlasting light, the everlasting fragrance of the holy thing befitting a Christian! Oh, if only we did not have the stench of passions - malice, pride, anger, greed, stinginess, envy, hard-heartedness, unmercifulness, impurity, curiosity! Away with the glory of this world! If you desire glory, seek it from God by fulfilling His holy will as outlined in the Gospel; seek that glory that the saints who despised the glory of this world sought, strive for what is holy, establish the Kingdom of Christ in yourself - the Kingdom of peace, love, meekness, chastity, abstinence, non-covetousness, not seeking honor from people, but from the one God. God! Grant me, without complaint, without sadness and sorrow, willingly and joyfully, to submit to Your judgment in not presenting me for another award to the director of the gymnasium and in his deception of me. God! You reward everyone according to their deeds - and you will reward this director Peter in the same way according to your deeds; he is rich, dignified, noble, pleased 35 by everyone without measure, has become fat, fat and fat; and forsook You, God [Deut. 32:15], and he neglects us, Your humble servants, who glorify You. Oh, vain, weak earthly rewards. You only plunge the spirit into weakness, sorrow and distress when a person is deprived of them, just as a rich and stingy person is deprived of money, and a voluptuous person is deprived of sweets. Lord, grant me to be above earthly rewards, for I am Your servant, O supreme and righteous Judge! You are my reward in my conscience, in my spiritual children, in the future life, and here too, for I am honored by You with the highest, brightest, heavenly rank of the priesthood, clothed in You, my God. Let all earthly rewards, all vain ornaments be like dust before me. We have loved material things - shiny crosses and beautiful ribbons, but we do not love spiritual crosses, crosses of sorrows, dishonor, deprivation, labor, although they are very necessary and useful for our souls; we love pleasures, glory, peace, wealth, the nobility of this world; we are partial to this world and have forgotten the next age and its blessings; adulterous love smoulders in us; We do not have the love of God. Meanwhile, the fame, wealth, and pleasures of this world quickly pass and disappear, and our life flies away. Blessed and blessed is he who cleaves to God with all his heart and despises the blessings of this world, who speaks the truth to his face and does not hide the truth of God from the sons of men who work in vanity. The thorn of the earth is in us: it torments us. With the sting of heaven, the sting of Thy love, wound our souls, O Christ God! He celebrated the wedding in the Cathedral with singers, [...], with chandelier lighting, with carriages, with people. (I received ten rubles for the wedding. I thought that the sexton had robbed the money. I sinned.) The devil took a terrible power over me, as it did fifteen years ago in the Duma: the most severe despondency, melancholy, melancholy, anger at the sexton, who seemed to me to be a wiggling demon, and because of his anger towards him, and even because of satiety at dinner, I was deprived of God’s grace and help. I felt that the enemy had encircled me. What a terrible loss for me not to serve, especially the liturgy. I become completely powerless in the fight against the enemy and the dying person. I expect a reward from the gymnasium - for what? Teaching itself, this spiritual food, is a reward for me, and besides, I receive a good salary - what other reward, in truth? I don’t need a reward, don’t give it, I reject it - I would destroy my work, the law of God, if I began to seek a reward. God is my reward. Moreover, I do my job carelessly, and I deserve punishment, not reward. From the very beginning of the engagement, I felt extreme inability, unpreparedness for public prayer: I felt that the enemy was in me, sadly, tightly in my heart; from the first prayer came from the enemy jabs, stops, hesitations, violence and my extreme powerlessness, embarrassment, fear, shame; during the betrothal ceremony - the same, and so on; Having read a few words of the betrothal prayer, I could not continue reading at all and had to start again, and then I still read with gaps; the wedding itself - also with passes; Lord our God, crown me with glory and honor - I said only once, I couldn’t do it anymore; I could not read the prayer for the blessing of wine; I did not speak words in Your saving glance and many others - the enemy did not give them; after walking near the lectern, when removing the crowns, he did not say anything to the bride and groom; could not speak blessings on behalf of the Church; I couldn’t speak about prayers about the indissolubility of marriage, about the conjugation of crowns, and also about absolution. The enemy completely defeated. But may the Lord have mercy on my great weakness and may he reward the enemy for my dishonor, for his violence against me. Let me arm myself with fasting and prayer. Eating calf's brains is very harmful to the soul and body. The earthly spirit reigns in us, not the heavenly spirit - the heavenly spirit reigned in the apostles. We fulfill all our duties too selfishly: we expect reward for everything with money, awards, and praise. The apostles were not like that! They were completely unselfish: they carried out their work out of pure love for God and humanity; There was among them the selfish Judas, but he soon fell away from his apostleship in order to go to his own place; For their heavenly work, the highest work, the apostles received insults, threats, beatings, stone-throwing, scourging, beheading, crucifixion; they rejoiced when they received dishonor for the truth [Acts. 5, 41]. We expect material rewards for almost every deed and look for crosses and orders. I thank the Lord, who performed on me a miracle of power, a miracle of life, a miracle of His mercy, for when my heart was extremely cramped, sad, sad, dead, and I was completely out of sorts from resentment towards the director of the gymnasium, who blatantly deceived me with his promise to nominate me for a reward and directly announced that I was presented, while I was not represented by him or was not protected and bypassed, and when I said in my heart: You, Lord, are mine all-sufficient good and there is no good or reward except You - I felt in my heart peace, freedom, space, contentment, joy. Glory to you, Lord, my wonderful good is the supreme, all-sufficient good. Now I don’t need any rewards with You. You are my most perfect, eternal Reward. Amen. I dined with the birthday boy Ivan Ivanovich Ivanov. My kingdom (Church) is not of this world, said the Lord, My kingdom is not from here [Jn. 18, 36]. By this one sign one can rightly recognize and prove that the Catholic, Lutheran and Anglican churches are not true and not Orthodox Churches, for they are of this world: they have a completely worldly spirit. The Greco-Eastern Church is not of this world - it is a spiritual Kingdom, and the fact that it is in persecution, under the yoke of others, serves as great proof that it is the true Church. Small is the gate and narrow is the way that leads to life [Matt. 7, 14]. And all who desire to live godly in Christ Jesus will suffer persecution [2 Tim. 3, 12]. Sunday. Early mass. Today, during mass, a prayer service in church and at prayer services in parishes, I endured terrible, unprecedented grief and cramped conditions, and again for eating and drinking with a guest priest in the evening (sardines with Provençal oil, wine, sweet tea). The devil brought me into terrible sorrow, cramped conditions, despondency, and powerlessness due to my failure to receive the award of the Order of St. Anne, III degree, promised last year by the director of the gymnasium. But if I was worth the reward here and was not rewarded, then the Lord will reward me a hundredfold on that terrible day, and we must rejoice about this, and if I was not worth it and was not rewarded, we must rejoice about this, for if I were rewarded, although I was not worth it, then the more punishment for my sins I would receive from God: How much she was famous and luxurious, give her so many torments and sorrows, it is said [Rev. 18, 7]. And if we are rewarded for everything here, then there will be nothing for God to reward us for. But there is only one God who is the righteous Giver of Retribution. It is strange, extremely strange, that for all our deeds, which are repaid in abundance with salaries, we still expect rewards on earth. Impartially speaking, there is no reason for me to receive an award - I’m not worth it. Horrible, fatal, cramped conditions and sorrow happened to me because of dinner at the merchant Ivan Ivanov’s with his comrades: Nikol Sidorov, Mikhail Guzhov, Nikolai Semyonov, and because of clinking glasses. There is a dead smell in his room. Expect rewards not here, not here in the adulterous and sinful world, but there, in heaven. When I passionately expect a reward or suffer without receiving it, it means that I love the world and everything in the world: the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes and the pride of life. But this is not from the Father, but from this world [1 John. 2, 15 – 16]. My reward is with Me [Rev. 22:12], says the Lord, “it is Who is the Rewarder, not people. Terrible torment due to failure to receive a reward proves that it is vanity, death, and not life for the heart, empty vanity. Remember two meat cutlets, eaten needlessly at home at two o’clock after dinner at Ivanov’s, and home-made sardines with black bread at night - and then don’t be surprised and don’t complain that you have terrible tightness and restlessness in your soul: these are the fruits of satiety, the fruits of your idolatry. Lord, have mercy! And the reward is the idol of your heart, your soul, for you greatly grieve because of this difference. Thank the Lord for righteous sorrows sent by God to sober and admonish souls. Our heart is simple, 86 and lives and breathes only God: earthly rewards, addictions in general, are contrary to its nature. How many times (I can’t count) I was embarrassed because of my red ribbon at the cross for the war during mass, all-night vigil, I angered God, I fell away from God in mind and heart; he left only one thing for need, did not care paternally for the sheep of the verbal flock, thought only about himself, pleased himself, adorned himself - being beautiful on the outside, but on the inside full of iniquity [Matt. 23, 27–28]. Truly a killer fuss, these awards. The desire for distinction, like the desire for delicacy, or money, or some expensive and beautiful things, and the addiction to beautiful people, beautiful clothes fit into the same category - one and the same vanity. Our only desire, the end of all our desires, is God - He is our true and eternal glory. He is our sweetness, our treasure, our original beauty, our incorruptible robe - glory to Him! The true servant of Christ in this life does not want to be rewarded in order to receive reward from his Lord, Whom alone he works, and not men, although he serves men; He considers the reward from people to be a detriment to his salvation. I have a golden cross - and what more do I want? Also a cross, only in a different form, and on a ribbon. Weird and laugh-worthy. This is child's play in adulthood. So some travelers, not for fun, but for visibility, for the sake of selling, hang up many crosses. Since my youth, the enemy has been tempting me, burning me with sweets and the desire for rewards and distinctions, but trusting in You, Lord, I overcome this 88. I despise the world and everything in the world: the vain honor and glory of the world, external, ephemeral, perishable wealth, perishable beauty and sweetness, one-day compared to endless eternity, sweet food and drink, which soon turn into a stench and most often cause a burden to the heart, plunging the soul into weakness and relaxation and being the cause of grave temptations and violence from the devil. I am called by the grace of Christ God to imperishable life and must prepare my soul and body for imperishable, spiritual, ageless life through constant abstinence, fasting, vigil, prayer, and almsgiving. To help me, the Holy Church appointed fasts for each week and fasts for several weeks in order to accustom me to abstinence, prayer, crucifying the flesh with passions and lusts, to almsgiving and vigil, for the abstinent person has short sleep; his body is light and cheerful; also, so that we can always have a ready weapon against the devil, who constantly fights against us and sometimes completely accidentally attacks and overthrows and terribly wounds. Let me give thanks to the Lord, who has called me from corruption to incorruption, from death to life, from earth to heaven. Where do we, priests, have zeal for the salvation of our neighbors, not only our own, but also our neighbors of other faiths? Why don’t we preach on occasion our heavenly, saving, wonderful faith to the Jews and Mohammedans, of whom there are many in our city? Why don’t we say a word about Christ to these lost children of Israel and fans of the flatterer and deceiver Mohammed? Doesn’t the Savior’s command also apply to us: go and teach all nations [Matt. 28, 19 ]? Or will this be called propaganda, violence of conscience? But this is not violence - these are words of truth, words of the most longed-for truth, words of love that yearns for the salvation of others. Or is there no readiness among these lost ones to hear the truth? No, there is readiness; The Christian faith has existed for so many centuries, it has become famous all over the world for so many miracles, it has revived so many people, renewed, sanctified, glorified, that the very bones seem to cry out about the truth and salvific nature of our faith. No, I will say again: it is not because we do not preach, it is not because we are silent, but because [that] our faith is weak and resembles unbelief more than faith: we do not live by faith and do not experience its saving effect, its sweetness, light, strength, life-giving in ourselves; We are self-loving, carnivorous, we do not love our neighbors as ourselves, we ourselves love this age, and not the future, and therefore are voiceless, we do not love Jesus Christ with a strong love, and that is why we do not preach about it. Let the sons of Israel and the worshipers of Mohammed hear through you today that we also had a word about them today, a word about their salvation through faith in Christ the Son of God, who redeemed the world from sins with His Blood - perhaps the grace of God will attract one of them to Christ. The first Christians, and those who followed, had great zeal for preaching about Christ to non-believers, for they loved God passionately, loved their neighbors passionately, thirsted for their salvation as if it were their own, and wished for them the priceless good - salvation of the soul, as for themselves. And this was at a time when there were strong persecutions for preaching the faith. Now why is there no [preaching]? Prosperity and contentment relaxed our souls. But aren’t the needs of souls the same as they were several hundred or thousand years ago! Do not the souls of Jews and Mohammedans ache, seeking salvation from their oppressive sins and peace with God? Are not their souls secretly seeking the Intercessor of God and men [1 Tim. 2, 5 ]? Hey, they're looking. Go and tell them that this Advocate is Christ our God. Do not be afraid: no one will condemn you for your good word and deed, and if one of you turns a sinner from his false path, you will save his soul from death and cover the multitude of his and his own sins [Jas. 5, 20]. We are honored with the highest rank of angels - may we always see grief, may we be adorned with meekness, gentleness, purity, self-control, and perfect devotion to the Lord God. We force ourselves to contemplate grief for a while and see grief, enjoy spiritual grace - peace, light, space, sweetness, but soon we betray God and descend again to our usual addictions and are again wounded by the thorns of passions. We lack constancy, depth of pious feeling and mood. We allow ourselves to be fed up, to get drunk, to be deceived by self-interest, to be stingy, to be hard-hearted, to look at beautiful faces and be seduced by them, to covet earthly distinctions and rewards. True, these thorns cut our ribs, weigh us down and oppress us, compress our souls as if with iron shackles, but we are not admonished by this, for the power of habit is great and is equal to second nature. I thank my Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ - my all-sufficient Good, for He had mercy on me during my walk to the harbor (on the wall), and took from my soul the thorns of earthly addictions and the insult that the director gave me, and filled my heart with Himself, His peace, the fragrance of His Shrine. Glory to Thee, Lord, glory to Thee! Glory to your holy, all-saving faith. Everyone who exalts himself will humble himself [Lk. 14:11], - I will humble myself, and the Lord will exalt me. I don’t blame anyone (although my heart blames some for this) for denying me a reward (order), but I blame myself alone, as worthy not of a reward, but of reprimand and punishment for my negligence and various sins. How natural it should be for me, a man of many sins, the weakest, the weakest, to humble myself and consider myself last, and not to rise, not to seek distinction and exaltation! What difference do I have from my other brothers - is it in sins that I am the most sinful of all? Do not sit in the first place (do not seek archpriesthood or distinction due to ambition), but in the last, so that one of those called... does not happen to be more honorable than you, so that they do not say to the one most worthy of you: sit higher... and then with shame you will have to take the last place [Lk. 14, 8 – 10]. Meekness and humility should be the first virtues of a priest, a servant of Christ God, who humbled himself to the point of death, death on the cross, who humbled himself to the level of a slave 89 [Phil. 2, 6 – 11]. But with us, especially in the clergy, it happens the opposite: everyone is looking for awards, they strive to surpass each other with awards, and for this they often block the path to distinction for their neighbor, so that he does not somehow become equal to them. We have everything inside out: earthly rewards eat up the souls of clergy, puff them up, make them inaccessible to many, careless about the spiritual benefits of the flock, for if the shepherd himself cares about earthly blessings, and not about heavenly ones, about earthly honor, and not about the honor of a heavenly calling, then how will he care about the spiritual benefits of his flock, with what eyes will he speak to them about the heavenly blessings, theirs? the eye cannot see... [1 Cor. 2, 9]. If we compare the life and everyday circumstances of today's clergy, especially bishops, archimandrites, archpriests and priests, with the life of the ancients, then a huge difference appears: the current ones are hung with insignia - the ancients very often suffered dishonor and reproach; the present are provided with everything and are often very rich - the ancients did not have copper at their belts and were wanderers and strangers; the present, because of their differences, their ribbons and stars and other differences, are unapproachable - the ancients are simple and approachable to everyone, such as St. Nicholas the Wonderworker; the former had too little form, letters, and a lot of action - with the present, on the contrary, the form jams, slows down the work, formality deadens, permeates everything, and there is no life-giving, warming spirit in the shepherds, especially the archpastors: they have become unapproachable nobles, not worthy of a kind word, and who? His fellow shepherds and helpers in the cause of Christ. And all the orders and vanity, the glory of this world, an environment that does not correspond to the humility of the shepherds. Archpastors and shepherds! Return to ancient simplicity and humility. Let us remember what kind of reward was the Forerunner of the Lord - cutting off the head. Apostles? Crucifixion and beheading by sword! Martyrs? - countless torments; hierarchs? - incessant work, care and also torment. My reward is with Me [Rev. 22:12], says the Lord, laughing at the vanity of this age, which anticipates the reward of the Lord. To whom is the reward here for all, what is the reward from the Lord? I have already received your good things in your life [Lk. 16, 25] - it will be said to him. But blessed is he who is not rewarded here for his labors and exploits for the sake of saving himself and his neighbors. Do not hide for yourself treasures on earth, says the Lord, where worms (self-love, pride) and aphids (the devil is aphids, as the cause of corruption), and where tatiye (demons) undermine and steal (me during the service because of my addiction to ribbon, etc.), but hide the treasure in heaven... Where your treasure is (rewards, money, sweets), there will your heart be also [Matt. 6, 19–21]. True. If our treasure is God, then our heart will be in heaven, in God. Which of us has the only Treasure that is God? Blessed is such a person a hundredfold. His heart is always at peace. Addiction to earthly goods, thirst for them, displaces the Kingdom of Heaven, Christian faith, hope and love from the hearts. You cannot serve God and mammon [Matt. 6, 24]. Parable of the Sower and the Seed [Matt. 13, 3 – 23]. Look how few read the word of God, how few go to church! Addiction to the earthly at the very root suppresses Christianity, which is the Kingdom of Heaven, in contrast to the earthly, that is, heavenly love, in contrast to earthly love, passionate, sinful, false, perishable. The Kingdom of Heaven has come near [Matt. 4, 17]. (Dad.) Tuesday. I thank the Lord for last night, which brought me a good sleep, and for the easy uprising, without any burden. I thank the Lord for fasting, which gave me such a calm, easy night (however, at first I was very worried about the childbearing member and the beginning of unclean dreams, but when I made the sign of the cross three times, all dreams stopped: glory to the power of the sign of the cross - may it appear on everyone whom I bless in the name of God with the sign of the cross!). Fast food brings me great burden: it gives me nausea in the morning and burden. Let us pay attention to worldly life in its various forms from the point of view of the holy faith and the Church and make a judgment about it, for this is what we have authority from God and, by the way, we are called to do this. Do not answer a fool according to his stupidity, lest you become like him; do not answer a fool according to his folly, lest he become a wise man in his own eyes [Prov. 26, 4 – 5]. Has not God turned the wisdom of this world into foolishness? [ 1 Cor. 1, 20]. What is the world doing? What does he do? What is it striving for? What does it achieve? Save your words Your reward is already great. But those who hunger for rewards do not think about this: where the treasure is, there the heart will be [Matt. 6, 21]. This is what you created [and the truth]. You thought that I was the same as you. I will expose you and bring your sins before your eyes. [Ps. 49, 21]. The Lord is a treasure for everyone, He is the greatest reward. We will desire His One, we will love Him with all our hearts... Lord, have mercy on me, for I have desired other treasures than You, other rewards than You, other beauties than You, other sweets than You, other glory than You! Your image, your incorruptible likeness in me - this is my reward, my decoration, my glory, my strength, my crown! Yes, I strive above all to restore within myself Your fallen image, to restore and preserve Your likeness by observing Your commandments. Glory to You, my most perfect eternal Treasure, my eternal, wonderful Good! (So ​​I calmed down after the confusion of worldly addictions - from the desire for earthly rewards.) Is it true that a clergyman is allowed to desire and seek earthly, worldly rewards? No and no. My kingdom, says the Lord, is not from here [Jn. 18, 36]. These words exclude any concern for the clergy about worldly rewards. Yes, they are sometimes incompatible with the title of priest: in order to receive rewards from the world, you must inevitably flatter the world, bow to it, servile - otherwise it will persecute, scold, hate, and not reward you, and the Lord promised His followers persecution for the truth, hatred, beatings, violent death and said: Blessed are you when people hate you and when they excommunicate you, and revile you, and carry you away your name is dishonorable because of the Son of Man... Woe to you when all people speak well of you! for this is what their fathers did to the false prophets [Lk. 6, 22, 26]. And who does not recognize that in the desire and hunger for earthly rewards lies disdain for heavenly, eternal blessings, which no eye has seen, and no ear has heard, and no one has sighed in the heart... [1 Cor. 2:9], love for the adulterous and sinful world, too much passion for its opinion about us, and not disdain for it! It means very little to me how you judge me, says the Apostle, or how other people judge me; I don’t judge myself. For although I do not know anything about myself, I am not justified by this; But the Lord is my judge [1 Cor. 4, 1 – 4]. This is whose definition is important to you, infinitely important! And human judgments and rewards are more insignificant than a spider’s web, just as man himself is vanity, sin, passion. No, you cannot serve God and mammon, two masters: we will certainly love one and hate the other, be zealous for one and despise the other [Matt. 6, 24]. Glory to the Lord, who has pacified my heart through prayer, repentance, and meditation. My heart needs nothing but God; He's everything to me. Away with the vanity of this world: distinctions, wealth, amusements, etc. My peace is in God. People are all looking for fuss. Have you always loved vanity and are looking for lies? [Ps. 4, 3]. May I never fall away from You, God, through the desire of earthly, vain blessings, may I not desire vain glory, so as not to lose Your ineffable glory. Yes, I seek the honors of a high title, but I miss the grief. May I despise deceit, slander and human malice; let them go, O God: for they know not what they do [Lk. 23, 34]. May I judge myself strictly, mercilessly, and may I mourn my many many sins - may I beg You with my tears and do alms for myself on the day of judgment. May I be cleansed from the multi-passionate aphid, the sinful aphid of this world, covering my passionate heart. Wake up! Amen. Godly sorrow produces unchanging repentance leading to salvation, but worldly sorrow produces death [2 Cor. 7, 10]. Today I read a prayer to the mother in labor in Kikin’s house, and the enemy, with sadness about not receiving my order from the gymnasium, killed me, my heart: I could not utter many words; there is tightness in the heart, melancholy, despondency. This is the sadness of the world, vain, insane. And that I lose God in my heart because of the vain glory of this world - I grieve little about this, or, under the spell of the charm of sin, I never grieve at all - is this not a misfortune, a misfortune? This is where constant repentance is needed. This judgment is from God that I made two silver crosses and through this I took money from the poor. Was it not because of my sins that my nephew was expelled from the seminary? I thank the Lord for the miracle of mercy, strength and life that happened in me this day, when I, tormented by the evil demon with despondency and melancholy, went to the pious widow Marya Arsenyevna and to Mrs. Ratch, who was staying with her. Thank you for peace, freedom, space. This evening, at about eight o'clock, it began to rain lightly, and at about ten o'clock it began to rain heavily and frequently, with a warm south-west wind. Thanks be to the Lord Provider, who builds the world and bestows well-being on creatures. Rain all night. Thanks be to God. I thank the Lord, who gave me sleep upon waking up early in the morning, through my prayer for this. For I have scolded the law of God and Your poor people many times, for this reason my glory lies in the desecration in the gymnasium, that is, in the refusal of honors according to the director’s proposal. It is worthy and righteous that I endure this complacently, as the punishment of God’s righteous judgment. If the Son of God Himself was reviled unjustly, then who am I not to endure a righteous little condemnation? Let me not be despondent, for despondency upsets the soul, darkens, relaxes, and despondency also caused my awkwardness in teaching with the assistant trustee and the director, although I knew the Catechism best of all; There was also mental unpreparedness. Dignified and righteously deprived, bypassed. Glory to Your righteous judgment, Lord! But in You I will be corrected, I will be justified. Yes, I don’t sleep and I’m not lazy. In moments of temptation to sensuality, remember that you were united in a holy, eternal, sweetest, spiritual union with Christ in the mystery of Baptism and Communion, that you were sanctified and sealed by the Holy Spirit in the mystery of Confirmation, and to your misfortune, to your terrible misfortune, do not reject or interrupt daringly and unreasonably this holy union, but hate every sin, no matter what. It does not hide behind appearance, sweetness, beauty, or legality, for in any form it brings with it corruption, confusion, captivity or slavery, oppression, darkness, shame, distance from God, combination with the enemy. Remember omniscience, holiness and justice of God and fear all sin; remember the word of Joseph: how can I do this great evil and sin before God? [ Gen. 39, 9]. I sinned - I drank two glasses of cognac from priest Perov, ate a soft-boiled egg with black bread. I thank the Lord, who gave a kind answer to the 7th grade students (four), who were all given five grades. The sign of Orthodoxy is, by the way, unity: into One Holy Church. This unity is and has been observed by the Orthodox Church in its worship, in which the members of the Church of heaven, earth and hell - saints, living and deceased in faith and holiness are one, for the Church, calling upon the saints in prayer, glorifying them, at the same time prays for all the living as for a single body, as for members of a single body, prays for the dead for the forgiveness of their sins and the repose of their souls. Beautiful, heavenly, Divine unity! And let them be one in Us [Jn. 17, 21 ] (exam, about the Church and the state). And as the groom slowed down, they all dozed off and fell asleep [Matt. 25, 5]. Nowadays we all doze and sleep - I am the first. Where is the constant zeal, the tireless concern for the salvation of souls? We are all looking only for pleasure, enrichment, luxury, distinction, grace in a homely environment; we amuse ourselves with clubs, masquerades, theaters, funny lights, funny literature, looking for news. Where is repentance, correction of hearts and morals? Where is the desire for the church? Where is the love for the purity of faith, for the integrity of faith and dogma? All faiths are equal. Pagans, Jews, Mohammedans are jealous of the inviolability and truth of their faiths, and Christians do not value their true, heavenly, all-saving faith, brought and preached by the Son of God Himself. Oh, ingratitude, oh, insolence, oh, unforgivable inattention and absent-mindedness! Blessed be ecu, Lord, teach me by Thy justification. Blessed be ecu, Master, enlighten me with Thy justification. Blessed be ecu, Holy One, enlighten me with Thy justifications 90. Why have I not been born again, put off the old man, put on the new? why do I make the evil that perishes, and not the evil that abides in the eternal belly [Jn. 6, 63], although I often perform the liturgy and partake of the Divine Mysteries; why am I not completely imbued with the Christian faith - in all the movements of my mind, heart, will; Why am I still working in vanity with my mind, my heart, and the aspirations of my will? Why am I seduced by corruptible things, corruptible beauty, sweetness, corruptible wealth, luxury, splendor and careless of incorruptible blessings, which no eye has seen... what God has prepared for those who love Him [1 Cor. 2, 9 ]? Isn’t it then that the cross of the Lord, worn on the chest, is an adornment for us, when we love the Lord with all our hearts and have Him not only on the chest, but even more so in the chest; when we carry His words in our hearts, when we fulfill His dying covenant: love one another [Jn. 13, 34 ]; when we deny ourselves and crucify our flesh with passions and lusts, when we do not pursue honors and distinctions in order to become higher than others, but neglect them willingly, yielding them to others who are better than us, or to those who seek them and covet them - remembering the words of the Lord: whoever among you wants to be first will be last and a slave to all [Mk. 10, 43 – 45]. Otherwise, we willingly decorate ourselves with golden crosses and forget the lessons of the Cross, the mystery of the Cross, for we do not think of laying down our souls for our neighbors or even our property for our neighbors! Oh, the mystery of the Cross! The mystery of immeasurable love, humiliation, immeasurable exhaustion, immeasurable patience, endless truth! Glory to You, who suffered for us and for Yourself, who brought an infinite price to Your Parent for us! What caused our Lord the greatest suffering (the cross) is for us the cause of vanity. How sinful this is! (I thank the holy Guardian Angel, who inspires me with all good thoughts!) Christ God was crucified not on a gold or silver cross, but on a wooden one. What if they hung wooden crosses on our chests? Would we become vain? Is it not gold that we are vainglorious about and enjoying? We are sinful people! And we make the instrument of redemption a reason for sin. Woe to me without communion: the demons are extremely hard on me and laugh at me, disturbing me with their vanity and demonic fear and not allowing me to say the litanies, exclamations and dismissals of the dead, as today and yesterday they did with the deceased Annushka the crazy (Shvetsova). I have no glory except Yours: worldly glory is false, vain, perishable, ephemeral (one-day) glory; I have no wealth except You, my all-rich and imperishable treasure - earthly wealth is fickle, perishable, arrogant, false, alienates You from You, teaches you to do the lusts of your heart, and not Your holy, perfect will; I have no light except Your light; I have no strength but You. Do not forsake me, Lord, and let me remain faithful to You until the end of my life, for You are my eternal life, my glory, my treasure, my light and my strength! Require in me, O Lord, sadness from the deprivation of the vain honor of this world, which disappears like smoke, or like artificial multi-colored lights thrown into the air; grant me to always seek true glory from You, Lord, by cleansing, correcting my heart and life, and walking in Your commandments. Wake up. May 31st. Evening. After the fall of the first people, both they and all their descendants were subjected to countless disasters in their earthly life: countless sins began to tempt, confuse and torment them day and night, like fierce beasts; From sins came painful sorrows, remorse, adversity, troubles from everywhere, illness and finally death; and yet, in the soul of man, from God Himself, a love for life, for peace, freedom, contentment, bliss, and joy was implanted and remained forever. To whom should a poor person turn to with a petition for lost benefits? Of course, to God, His Creator, who created us in His image and likeness, who did not abandon His creation even after its voluntary and reckless fall and mercifully promised to send the Savior of the world to poor sinners. And so a person, taught by God Himself, turns in all his troubles and needs, in grief and joy to God, the Source of all goods, to the God of mercy, generosity and love for mankind, asking for forgiveness of sins, peace and great mercy. The Lord mercifully heeds the prayers of the sons of Adam and saves them when they sincerely turn to Him, turn from their evil deeds and begin to walk in the paths of righteousness. How gratifying this salvation is for them! Like rain for a thirsty land, parched by the heat of the sun. (This is how it happened to me today, when in the sorrow and oppression of sin I cried out in repentance to the Lord for my salvation.) Glory to the Lord! My brothers! After the all-night service or any other service, do you carry away in your soul any deep feeling and conviction, for example, the conviction of your extreme sinfulness, of the all-round corruption of your nature, that is, mind, soul, heart, will, imagination, all your feelings, as well as the conviction that we need a Savior every minute, every second, and every minute we must secretly or openly pray to Him for mercy and our salvation? If you take such a conviction out of the church, and keep it in the depths of your soul, and constantly humble yourself before God, and repent secretly, and consider the prayer for mercy and salvation to be the daily bread and drink of your soul, or as necessary for you as air for your breathing and for the life of your body, then good, good for you. For then surely the Lord is with you, and His grace and mercy are with Him. At every service, the Holy Church precisely desires to give birth in us such a feeling and such a conviction, or consciousness of our extreme sinfulness, extreme weakness, extreme spiritual poverty, poverty, blindness, nakedness, and at the same time awaken in us the consciousness and feeling of the need for a Savior. For this purpose, almost all prayers, psalms, chants and spiritual songs are for that litany, for that Sacrament; For this purpose all services; For this purpose, in particular, the all-night service. It points out how at first the first people, Adam and Eve, were holy and blessed, but then soon, through their inattention and selfishness, they sinned and extremely offended their Creator by not fulfilling His commandments and persistent ignorance of their sin; how God then drove them out of the paradise of sweets to work the earth by the sweat of their brow, closing the gates of paradise; how they, being in trouble and deprived of God’s grace, recognized their sin and began to mourn it and humbly repent to God, and for this God gave them a merciful promise that the Savior of people would one day come to earth and save them from their sins and erase the head of the serpent, the tempter and murderer. We are reminded of the tearful repentance of Adam and Eve after their expulsion from paradise by the frequent exclamations of the short prayer of repentance: Lord, have mercy; verses of the psalm: Blessed is the man who does not follow the counsel of the wicked [Ps. 1, 1 ]; This is especially indicated by the psalm, Lord, I have called to You, hear me [Ps. 140, 1], and the stichera indicate that the Lord came into the world and, through His suffering and death for us, Adam and the Adamic race, saved the human race from sin, curse and death - the very stichera sung with the verses of this psalm. Today I will talk with you about this psalm and stichera and further hymns and readings at the all-night vigil. The whole order of nature constantly serves me, at the behest of the Lord my God. Why am I constantly acting out? Why do I subjugate the best to the worst: the rational and immortal soul - the dumb, passionate flesh? Why did I love dumb passions - gluttony, drunkenness, fornication, laziness and negligence? Why anger, pride, envy, ill will? Why vanity, ambition, love of fame? Why do I put my life upside down every day? Why do I put heaven below and earth above? Why this intense gratification of the corruptible flesh and neglect of the immortal soul, in the image of God? Where is her recovery from her terrible fall? Where is the unchangeable repentance leading to salvation? Where's the fix? Where is the care for her? Where is the diligent shepherding of souls? Where is sincere love? Where is the strict fast? Where is the fiery prayer? Where is the zealous almsgiving from a meek and humble heart? Have mercy on us, Lord, have mercy on us: bewildered by any answer, we offer this prayer to the Master of sins: have mercy on us! 91 June 5th. Two o'clock midnight. I thank the Lord, who sent me consolation in my great sorrow through that man who, by the way, was the cause of my sadness, my humiliation. But, as the glory of this world is impermanent, may I cleave with all my heart to the Lord, who glorifies with true and eternal glory all who praise Him in word and deed, and may the Lord Himself not honor His servants who dishonor Him. God! truly I must thank You for the fact that I was not awarded the promised and expected order, for for You, not for people, I raised Your children and received a reward for that in salary. Whatever worldly sweetness remains uninvolved in sorrow; Whatever glory stands on earth is immutable; all the canopy is weaker, all the sleep is more charming (everything is more deceptive than dreams); in one moment, and all this death is accepted. All human vanity does not endure after death; wealth does not endure, nor glory descends; when death came, all this was consumed 92. I thank the Lord, who made my disciples worthy to give a good answer and not put me to shame. Let every creature send you to the Creator, let every beauty and beauty raise your thought and your heart to the primitive intelligent Beauty that created everything; Let every sweetness remind you and direct your desire to the Uncreated Sweetness, which created every sweetness; let every mind, every art lead you to the First Mind, the First Artist; May earthly glory, perishable, impermanent, lead you to eternal glory in heaven. Earthly glory is a shadow, and even a false one, but let it remind you of the truth. It does not satiate the heart, created for true glory, true bliss; on the contrary, it leaves it empty and hungry. One God is the eternal, never-failing saturation for the immortal soul. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be satisfied [Matt. 5, 6]. (You hunger and thirst for earthly food, sweets, drinks - this is vanity; you hunger for earthly distinctions, awards, ranks - this is vanity; you hunger for money, wealth - this is vanity; you hunger for earthly pleasures - this is vanity; you are Christians, you must hunger and thirst for truth, it will satiate you forever. Look how much untruth there is in you, in other people, in the world - expose it, cut it off.) My reward and glory is the Lord: if I love Him with all my heart, He will glorify me, He will punish with shame and dishonor those who dishonor me. He is strong enough to fix everything. This is my greatest honor and glory - deification in Christ; and sometimes I put it at nothing and grieve over the deprivation of perishable, vain glory, vain decoration, order; I am promised eternal glory with the Saints, but I defile myself with the desire for vain, earthly glory, enslaving myself to corruption, dissolving with it. What madness, what madness! Because of this vain glory, the entire Christian life among the shepherds of Christ’s flock has weakened; there is no zeal for the salvation of their souls and the laity; Everyone strives for this vain glory, but does not care about the honor of the heavenly calling of God, neglects Christ the Savior and all His eternal Gospel, and all His wonderful economy of salvation. The same thing happens from gluttony and wealth. Engage yourself above all in building the salvation of human souls, redeemed by the priceless Blood of Christ the Savior. The harvest is plentiful, but the laborers are few [Matt. 9, 37]. The Ninevites will rise up in judgment with us. The Queen of the South will rise in judgment with us Christians [Lk. 11, 31–32]. Apparently free, but invisibly, but in essence, things are bound by sins and worldly addictions; apparently red, decorated with clothes, crosses and orders, but invisibly, in the soul, they are disfigured by absurd passions, inappropriate sins, as if smeared with mud, as if covered in feces; Apparently we are rich in money, houses, property, land, all sorts of things of life, but invisibly, in our souls, we are very poor, we do not have good deeds: simplicity, humility, kindness, mercy, non-covetousness, abstinence, purity and chastity, obedience, patience, faith, hope, unfeigned love. Oh, how sublime Christianity is, how saving, how blessed, how pure, and holy, and spiritual, subtle! Blessed is the one who feels this and tries with all his might to be imbued with it, to be inspired, to be sanctified! But how humiliating sin is for our rational, free, God-like nature, how disastrous, painful, vile, rude, stinking! For this reason, the Son of God came down to earth, so that he would lead us to heaven 93. Why do we strive for the earth so much? Why do we corrupt ourselves with all kinds of sins? Sin constantly attacks me, constantly weakens me, defiles me, darkens me, constrains me, shames me, rapes me. There needs to be constant counteraction; we need to struggle with prayer and fasting, reading the word of God, and meditation. Instead of having a most peaceful, blissful communion with God in this life through love for Him alone and the desire for His One, through the desire for earthly, vain, corruptible glory, we fall away from Him, the Source of life, we worry, are troubled, tormented, like I am a sinner! What blindness! What madness! Leaving a source of living water and digging leaky wells [Jer. 2, 13 ]! Within, glory to the princess's daughter [Ps. 44, 14], the Christian soul, and not the outside. Seek inner glory. Imitate the inner glory of the true Daughter of the Tsar - the Mother of God. What glory did She have on earth? Was she looking for fame? No. Look upon the humility of His servant [Lk. 1, 48]. And we, many sinners, have pride and pride! Meanwhile, for countless faults one should beat with a club. Instead of remembering and contemplating the eternal rejoicing and joy in heaven of all these saints together with the Angels, in order to contemplate the eternal glory of Christ God, who said: In the house of My Father are many mansions. But if it were not so, I would say to you: I go to prepare a place for you [Jn. 14:2], and: where I am, there will my servant also be [Jn. 12, 26 ]; and also: Father! whom You have given Me, I want them to be with Me where I am, so that they may see My glory, which You have given Me, because You loved Me before the foundation of the world [Jn. 17, 24], - we, accursed, ungrateful, unreasoning, chase after the momentary, perishable glory of this world, we languish, we suffer if we do not receive it, considering ourselves worthy of it. Where's the point? How strong is still within me the sin of addiction to the glory of this world and the glory of man (but not to the glory of God) and what sorrow grates my heart, which was waiting for this vain honor and was deceived in its hope; how it grieves over the dishonor, albeit a small one, inflicted on me, however, by myself, in truth, than by others, for the Lord revealed His truth on me, who had an uncorrected and careless life! To Him be glory and thanksgiving, but to me shame on my face and immediate correction, according to His grace! God! Correct me and lift me up forever! And then let the dishonor fall from my face! For I am Your servant, even though I am unworthy. How the enemy laughs at me, mocks me, oppresses me, scorches me, darkens me, confuses me, deprives me of all consolation! but You, Lord, with the all-healing anointing of the Holy Spirit, heal the ulcers of my soul and comfort me with Your heavenly grace; let me scold the corruptible, charming glory of this world. After all, there is a golden cross, what else do I need the cross of love for? That is why the enemy curses me, because I am addicted to vain things. Grant me, Lord, love Thy truth, the only thing I need is complete removal from sin of every kind and Thy eternal truth, the building of the salvation of the soul, Thy eternal glory. The desire for earthly rewards is a falling away from God and His grace - that is why those who desire them (like me) suffer, and that is why they are faint-hearted. And why? Because of the empty. It serves them and me right, for for the sake of vanity we do not think about the works of God and do not do the works of God, which must be done quickly and urgently. The Lord will take away eating and drinking, crosses and orders, and all the adornments of this age and abolish them. They just follow us. In the cross itself there is a lesson for me - not to desire and not to seek glory from people, but on the contrary - to willingly deign to endure righteous or unrighteous dishonor from people. A sincere Christian, for the sake of spiritual benefit, desires and seeks dishonor from others. In fact, our soul, being, as it were, in the rapture of pride and passions, often does not recognize and does not feel its sins, its spiritual illnesses or passions, pride, ambition, corruption, etc., and only dishonor from people, graciously tolerated, can heal it and cleanse it, enlighten it and confirm it in virtue. It’s strange that I, filled internally with the ugliness of great sinful deeds (fornication, malice, pride, self-love, love of glory, negligence, envy, greed, laziness), want to be outwardly decorated with distinctions, a molded robe, to be praised by people, although apparently I don’t like human praise in person and reject it with indignation. So, away from the desire for external decorations, so as not to mislead me and others, and even yourself. May I put on sackcloth, may I sprinkle myself with ashes, may I weep for my soul, darkened and defiled by the cruel pleasures of life, and may I sincerely remember for myself the earth and the ashes of being and the stench of sin. Such is my praise! God! look upon my humility and have mercy on me. Oh, wordless passions! For your speechlessness you should be removed in every possible way, but we are carried away by them out of a pernicious and blind habit. Egyptian plinth making - making bricks (plinth - brick), hard forced labor of the ancient Jews when they lived in captivity of the Egyptians. In a figurative sense - the yoke of various kinds of bodily and mental lusts, slavery to sin and vice. Ninth member of the Creed. Irmos of the 5th canon of Matins on Good Friday. Zolotnik is an old Russian unit of weight equal to 4.26 g. Song 3 of the Paschal Canon at Matins. Troparion of the 2nd song of the Great Penitential Canon of St. Andrew of Crete, read on Thursday of the fifth week of Great Lent. The prayer of St. John Chrysostom “Lord my God, I know that I am not worthy...” from the follow-up to Holy Communion. Antiphon for Matins, tone 4. Vzimatisya (Church Glav.) – to rebel; resist. The rite of renunciation of Satan from following the Sacrament of Baptism. Uspevati (Church Glav.) – to have success, to achieve a goal; keep up, mature. Obligate (Church Slavic) – tie up, bandage (obligation – bandage, plaster). Simple (Church Slavic) – here it means: whole, indivisible into parts. Vneudu (Church Glav.) – outside. The antiphons are sedate at Matins, tone 7. That is, to the image of a slave. The chant “Lord Vouchsafe” from Vespers. Troparion from the celebration of Great Compline. Stichera of St. John of Damascus from the burial sequence. Akathist to the Sweetest Jesus, Kontakion 8. You might be interested in: