Февраль

Saturday of the 3rd week of Lent. I thank the Lord, who vouchsafed me to perform the Divine Liturgy (late) without stumbling in the presence of my brother-in-law, the young priest Grigory Ivanovich Tsvetkov, to partake of the Divine Mysteries without condemnation and to give communion to the parishioners, about fifty people. During the morning, with a storm in the air on the street, a storm of demonic temptations and fears attacked me. How dear is my Savior to me in view of that terrible sinful corruption, the ferocity of which I daily and incessantly feel and see in myself, especially in view of those hellish intrigues that the devil daily builds over me inside me and outside me, in view of those passions that do not cease to act in me in the most tyrannical way, intensifying every minute to shame, defeat, destroy me, and which, without dying, intensify in me from my negligence, intemperance, laziness! Oh, how dear the Savior is to me in view of the fierce spiritual warfare taking place within me every day, my destruction from my enemy, who is constantly ready to devour me and bring me to hell alive! The Lord daily trains my hands to fight, my fingers to fight [Ps. 143, 1] and delivers me. My life was and is nothing more than self-love, voluptuousness, greed, love of fame, dislike of my neighbor, for I loved him then and as much as when and how much he served me, giving me any benefit or pleasure or showing respect - and when he did not give me any benefit, did not fulfill my desires or whims for some reason or did not respect me, then I stopped loving him, was upset with him, hated him, ill-wished him, envied him, despised him! Oh, how dear my Savior is to me in view of my sinful corruption, in view of the immortality of my soul, in view of the terrible, endless torment of hell to which all unrepentant sinners like me will be subjected. Lord, my Savior! Give me the grace to repent before the end and be completely pleasing to You! So now I solemnly wore Your cross in the midst of the church, worshiped You, Crucified on it, kissed You - but was this true worship, whole-hearted, with all my heart, with ardent love for You, with tears of repentance, with a firm intention to abandon my pleasures and my passions? Wasn't this the kiss of Judas? For the lips kiss, but sin is in the heart. Oh, priceless Savior! You have valued me dearly, having shed Your priceless blood for me, so that You will deliver me from sinful flattery and from the torments of hell; deliver me, who sold myself to Belial through cruel sins and his serpentine flatteries, do not place me cheaply, for I am Your image, although I bear the wounds of sins. I thank You, Lord, Life-Giver, that almost everywhere I am with Your Holy Gifts and commune with them Your faithful, You perform miracles of mercy and heal many different and serious human illnesses. Glory to Thy goodness and power! When we wish good for another, for example an enemy, we wish it for ourselves; By wishing him harm, we thereby make him a great enemy and obviously cause harm to ourselves. Many, many Christians need to be firmly reminded how they should stand and live in the house of God, which is the Church of the living God, the pillar and foundation of the truth (1 Tim. 3:15). Many stand in the church as they would somewhere in a private person’s salon or living room: talking, laughing. In ancient times, kings and monarchs, and important statesmen, not to mention ordinary people, most of all studied the science of pleasing God, saving the soul: this was the main science among matters of public administration, and among handicrafts, and among the activities of tillage. Nowadays, monks and priests, like me, often live like secular people, devoted to the vanities of the world: caring about clothes, about acquisitions, about fame and about the belly; piety comes second and third. But seek, it is said, first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you [Matt. 6, 33]. Why does this happen that I often call myself to myself, and sincerely, a scoundrel and a brute and a scoundrel, and I am not offended, considering it fair, but if I had to hear this from one of my neighbors, I would be greatly offended by him and would begin to seek satisfaction for the insult? Why don’t I like to hear the sad truth from someone else? - From love of fame and pride. The saints loved to hear humiliation from others and endure it because they were meek and lowly in heart. If I despise or hate someone, then it means that I exalt myself unlawfully, love unlawfully, that is, according to the flesh. The heart constantly flatters us, secretly elevating us and degrading our neighbors. But we must constantly contemplate our countless sins in order to condemn ourselves, to mourn ourselves as a spiritual dead person - then we will not have time to notice the mistakes of others and condemn our neighbors for them or despise them. Then we will respect them, for we will find that they are incomparably better than us in many ways. Truly, the church is the earthly heaven, for where the throne of God is, where terrible Mysteries are performed, where Angels serve with people, where the constant praise of the Almighty is - there truly is heaven and heaven is heaven. So, let us enter the church of God, especially the Holy of Holies, with the fear of God, with a pure heart, putting aside passions and all worldly cares, and let us stand in it with faith, reverence, rationally, attentively, with love and peace in our hearts, let us leave renewed, as if heavenly, let us live in the shrine proper to heaven, not being bound by worldly lusts and pleasures. Bodies, or matter, gravitate towards each other, and the rational soul must cleave to God, from whom it came. You might be interested in: