Апрель

Saturday of the 5th week of Lent. I thank the Lord, who has vouchsafed me to perform without stumbling, in addition to the very short litany at the beginning of Matins, Matins, to read the akathist and prayers for communion, as well as the liturgy and to receive communion without condemnation and to give communion to spiritual children. Thank you for the grace of peace, freedom, belly, health. On the way home from church, I was embarrassed by the beggars who were waiting at the fence for alms, while the delivery was in the church. I know, I have experienced a thousand times, without number, that there is only one need for my soul, that there is my life, my peace, but I still want something else that is not peace and life - the blessings of this world; The sting of earthly pleasures pierced me deeply, as well as the sting of pride, carnal knowledge, unfriendliness with those around me, love of money, lust and fornication. Poor man I am! who will deliver me from this body of death? [Rom. 7, 24]. All-night vigil in the Duma. I thank the Lord for his great mercy - for the forgiveness of sin and the removal of sinful oppression and for sincere prayer for all people according to the guidance of the Missal and from myself, or from the grace of the Holy Spirit, and for tears of tenderness. What a wonderful peace, what sweetness and spiritual freedom I felt in my soul during the all-night vigil. But the enemy also stung with the cry: Grace and bounty, which I did not say out of fear. You help your relatives, your orphans, the beggars - let your wife, your helper, your flesh and bones, help your sister, her husband’s unfortunate illness, especially since this help does not cost very much, because brother Alexei helps us, pays for the table. After all, through them you received everything, that is, the place and all its benefits. Don’t blame your wife for rarely going to church and that if you had known in advance that they would run away from the church, you would have become a monk. It's you who offend your wife. Pray to God for them, may He enlighten them. My wife is right and does a godly deed, serving her pregnant sister and her one-and-a-half-year-old baby, and God will not punish her strictly for not going to God’s service in the church every Sunday. And your job is to always pray, that’s what you’re assigned to do. Like a senseless beast I am: we eat in the evening, get drunk (sometimes) and become incapable of either mental work - reading and writing, or warm prayer: sleep begins to overwhelm me; and so I go for a walk, so that later I feel sorry for myself that life with good inclinations - with education, with abilities, with faith, some piety, with bold, sublime and fiery prayer during divine services, with the ability to compose and write sermons, speeches, various works - is often in vain: talent perishes, faith weakens, the heart becomes coarser, love dries up, abilities become dull, the body weakens - and all because of what? Because of greed for food and drink. Be patient! Be patient with me, waiting for my conversion and correction. Here is my self-conviction. April 2. Morning. Resurrection. Oranges are bad for me: because of them I slept restlessly last night; Nazarovna's honey too. Sleeping during the day is also harmful, and especially eating a lot. Sinner! You who do not find any spiritual consolation here, but only in earthly things: in food, drink, games, pleasures, in smart clothes, in walks, in reading worldly books, sometimes very empty and seductive, or in vain conversations, or in drunkenness and debauchery - tell me how you could console yourself after death, when everything earthly is taken away from you: food, drink, money, clothing, and magnificent home, and dachas, and all the amusements, and all the book bustle, and your beauties, and wine, and beer, and honey, and tobacco, and this joyful light of the sun, and this life-giving air, and the community of people, and everything with which you can console yourself here with your sins, with your sleeping conscience? Although sometimes the consciousness of your sins torments you here, you know how to suppress, drown out with pleasures this torment, this restless consciousness of your sins - and then what will happen when the soul stops connecting with the multi-passionate body, and with the entire visible world, and with all its benefits? When will your companions be terrible, fierce, evil demons, instead of the beautiful sun and life-giving greenery of gardens or the smooth bosom of waters - the horrors of hellish torment? How will you feel then, what will you do when they tie you with insoluble ties? Think about it in good time - and end the rest of your life in repentance, with tears. April 2. Sunday of the 5th week of Lent. Yesterday's evening meal of fish - perch with soft black bread and cold fish soup with ruffs, became for me during [the service] a terrible horn in my sides and in my belly: the cramped conditions were terrible, the irritability was the most painful, I could barely speak exclamations. Science! As soon as I begged the Lord to deliver me from sorrow and distress and to forgive my sins, I barely got rid of the evil demons that tormented me. At the prayer service I read the Gospel of thanksgiving and the prayer of thanksgiving to the end safely, very rarely. During the proskomedia and mass, I was extremely outraged by the arbitrary behavior of the elder Nikolai Sidorov, who sent a watchman to tell me to start mass, as if I did not know this without him. May the righteous Lord humble him through illness or bitter deprivation: he is worthy of it. But may his soul, proud of wealth, be saved. I was worthily subjected to temptation for being full in the evening, so that I might know its destruction, for what was I like when such a small temptation touched me? I, like an aspen leaf, trembled with indignation and anger. My spirit was so weak! During evening prayer at home, I became disturbed in spirit and fell away from God through the thought of getting a new golden pectoral cross for myself at Verkhovtsev’s. How earthly addictions attack the soul and deprive it of God! This cross is enough for me. Matins. I thank the Lord the Savior, who saved me through my prayer from my internal falls into sin - momentary infatuations with envy, covetousness, enmity towards my brother Father Matthew, who stood at the altar (preparing for mass for his daughter Kasatkina). You, truly, are my living and life-giving treasure, You are my peace, my freedom, my good yoke, my light burden, You are my life, my strength, my glory. Give me, Lord, holy simplicity: kindness, unenviability, kindness, benevolence, purity and chastity, non-covetousness, boldness - and may You be all this for me, may I forever be without stumbling and thus end my life with goodness. So at home, when entering this morning, seeing my sister Anna Konstantinovna in my office, I felt an involuntary feeling of hostility in my heart, but I immediately prayed to the Lord that this old feeling would perish - and the Lord had mercy on me, I got rid of it and calmed down. Oh, truly, mutual love and goodness is the peace and silence of our souls. During the hours and Presanctified Mass, I felt very unwell spiritually: my heart was extremely weak, timid, irritable, as a result of drinking a lot of red wine yesterday and constance 141 with Dmitriev and Sverlov. I thank the Lord, who strengthened me through my prayer to pronounce the prayer of St. Ephraim the Syrian after confusion and weakness, to pronounce it for the first time at the 3rd hour. I slowly read the entire prayer behind the pulpit. God bless! I thank the Lord, who saved me from the feeling of hostility when I came home and met Anna Konstantinovna and Anna Andreevna, who worked on Anna Konstantinovna’s business. Oh, if only pure, unfeigned, warm love would reign in my heart, in my home and everywhere! Grant, Lord! Everything is possible for You: You can completely destroy the kingdom of sin in me, just let me sincerely hate every sin. All-night vigil at the Duma Church of St. Joseph the Songwriter. Mocked, mocked by the devil unspeakably: the Lord and Master of my life tried to speak, and could not, both times at the all-night vigil; He was shamed beyond measure, could not look people in the eyes, and did not say anything about his release. Why all this? - Because I ate immoderately at home, and late - just before the all-night vigil (soup with smelt, fried smelt with black bread, then I drank coffee and a roll, which is worst of all, and finally I drank a glass of tea at the Gromovsky clerk: that’s why I felt stiff and cramped). After the dismissal of the all-night vigil, I did not see the light of God: I was so ashamed! Well, Lord, I said with murmur and vexation, You have been kind to me, You did not want to deliver me from the enemy, when I fervently begged You about it; You gave the enemy free rein to mock me. And who is to blame? I, I am a glutton, intemperate, greedy. There was no need to eat and drink before the festive all-night vigil, or to eat and drink light, cooling and resolving food, and not strengthening. However, the enemy scolded me so terribly today because I scolded him loudly during mass and funeral service for Kasatkina. Let me not swear in advance, but let me endure his slander with meekness. Forgive me, Lord, all my sins of this day, for I repent of them. If you do not fast during Lent, but indulge in voluptuousness, overeat, and drink a lot, then you are not gathering with the Lord, but scattering with the devil. God! I want the anger to completely disappear from my heart and not rely on any excuses, that, they say, they offended me, did not respect me, took and are taking what is mine, eat and drink what is mine, live with me, oppress me, live in idleness, do not work. Before the petition, the Lord submits the petition - His goodness is so easily communicated. Just let us always pray to Him with faith and hope, mutual love, and a pure heart. Let us remember in prayer the greatness of the Lord, who with one word created heaven and earth and everything that is on them, the sea and everything in it, and who preserves everything and controls everything. God! Grant that Your church may impart enlightenment of souls, cleansing of sins, sanctification, peace, health, peace of mind to all who come to it with faith, reverence and fear of God, strengthen faith, hope, love, contribute to the correction of life, success in all good undertakings and deeds: mutual love, pure, Christian living, softening of hearts and the cessation of pride and hardness, covetousness, greed, envy, malice, gluttony, gluttony, drunkenness, debauchery - these vices are so harmful in public life and undermine its foundations. Grant this, grant, Lord, to all those who love to visit Your church, and even those who do not love it, incline them to love it and correct their hearts and deeds, for the time is near and judgment is at the door for all people of every rank and condition, of every gender and age, and everyone faces a matter of infinitely great importance - to give an answer at the Last Judgment of Christ. Presanctified mass in the Duma Church on the occasion of the presidential elections. On the occasion of yesterday's feast in the Duma Hall (the church holiday of Joseph the Songwriter), drinking wine and eating a variety of fish, today my heart melted, disappeared in the middle of my belly, was exhausted, embarrassed, and with barely an intensified, prolonged prayer to God I managed to overcome powerlessness and spiritual fear; Only with fiery prayer did I cry out to God for the strength and courage to unfalteringly read the prayer behind the pulpit at the Presanctified Liturgy (I read it rarely, without haste). So the devil frightened me with his false chimeras! At home for lunch I ate only cucumbers with white bread, ate almost no fish, then drank two glasses of tea with lemon and felt light, my heart was light; then he went to baptize outside the city to Sedelkin; After the christening of the saffron milk caps, I ate a homemade bun with gusto and felt at ease. Then, having arrived home, he went to Kolmykova with a leaf and drank tea; Then Hilfeldt had a glass of tea, and at home, with the appetite of fried fish, he ate with a white roll. But there was no need to eat fish: it was a little hard. I thank the Lord for His endless mercy towards me, unworthy. (The archpriest at the prayer service gave a good speech before the oath. He behaved excellently - evenly, without the slightest fear, with dignity. We need to learn from him.) I thank the Lord, who called me to communicate with Him in the Mysteries of the Holy, life-giving, heavenly, and terrible for four days in a row and this week. Glory to the Lord, who destroys in me the terrible intrigues and violence of the enemy! Glory to the Lord, who washes away my sins with His Divine Blood and protects me with His peace. Love is not irritated and does not think evil (1 Cor. 13:5), but I, the accursed one, today became irritated with my family: with my brother Alexei and others because of the servants; he began to contradict that the servants should not be taken care of and exchange relatives for servants, humiliating their human dignity. And I, a sinner, seemed to be looking for a reason to quarrel, having decided to take care of the servants in an inappropriate way and arousing jealousy in my relatives. However, I first wanted to praise the unanimity in drinking tea at the same time [...], I found fault in the custom of chatter and contradiction. May God forgive him and me too. I thank the Lord, who took away corruption and death from my soul, which struck it after starting a quarrel with my brother Alexei; I sincerely revealed the illness of my soul to God, repented, asked for forgiveness - and received a priceless gift from the generous God: my spirit calmed down, wolf brutality turned into sheep meekness, freedom of spirit reigned in my soul, the thorns of passion that had perforated me were removed. God bless! From now on, let me observe and not turn the peace of God into devilish discord and discord. Lord and Master of my life! Do not give me the spirit of idleness, despondency, covetousness and idle talk; Grant the spirit of chastity (wholeness of wisdom, what is above and not what is below, material and carnal), humility, patience and love, and grant me to see my sins and not rebel against my brother. For my quarrel with my brother arose from pride and covetousness, from impatience and lack of love, from not seeing my sins, for he who sees the multitude of his sins and all the long-suffering of the Master towards himself and towards all people is himself long-suffering, meek, kind, humble in heart. The irritable one did not know himself and the long-suffering of God on himself. How and when should we take care of the imperishable garment of the soul - meekness, truth, chastity, patience, mercy, when all our cares and concerns and resources are directed towards the perishable garment and adornment of the body? It is impossible for two masters to work, for the soul is simple and united. How and when should we take care of the spiritual wealth of good deeds, when we are greedy only for perishable wealth and collect it with all our strength and means, when our hearts are attached to money, to the world, and not to God? How and when should we take care of incorruptible, spiritual food, the drink of grace - about prayer, reading the word of God, the writings and lives of the holy fathers, about communion of the Body and Blood of the Lord, when we do not let out of our mouths food and drink and this stupefying lit and smoking potion and smoke, so sweet for many? How can our souls leap with the Holy Spirit when we are constantly busy with earthly, vain games and amusements? Oh, the destructive work of corruption, which takes us away from imperishable, true, eternal life! From the throne in the chapel of the Protection of the Mother of God, cleansing, forgiving, peace-giving currents poured out on me, for with heartfelt faith, with heartfelt repentance, I touched the hem of the robe of my Lord. I thank the Lord. Let me not irritate my Lord in the future, nor my neighbor. The Lord gives me countless blessings through the Holy Orthodox Faith, saving me from the torment of passions, from the darkness and filth of sins, giving me peace, spiritual freedom, respect from people, teaching me life-mongering 142, or almsgiving and providing for the poor, and always remembering my own poverty, former physical and present spiritual, and through the mercy of acquisition mercy. God is able to raise up children for Abraham from these stones [Matt. 3:9], that is, He can soften those who are hard-hearted and like me like a stone with His grace and make them compassionate, merciful, kind, and patient. This is no less, even greater, a miracle than turning a simple stone into a person. Our God is so strong, so good beyond measure, so wise without end! Sinners! Everyone turn to God. I curse my greed yesterday, with which I ate cold fish soup at dinner and drank sweet tea: I didn’t need to eat or drink, because I had already drunk tea before at Alexandra Vasilyevna Shustova’s. I can’t say how hardened my heart and entire insides were from this cold fish soup and a separate roast fish - it was so hardened! O me, greedy Esau! Will I finally find a place to repent! How many people have died from intemperance - and I don’t take it into account? The Lord convicted me in a dream by presenting me as a student sitting in a classroom with other students; teacher M.D. Pervushin came and called me first for the service, I had already felt that he would call me, for the turn was approaching, and despite [all this] I neglected to prepare as I should: called, I stood up and did not know what to answer, and my thoughts were somehow clouded; I said something, very little and not entirely coherently, and the teacher said to me: enough; I sat down and got one (1). How it hurt me! Having learned about this, I asked to ask me again, saying that I knew the divine service well. But according to the heavenly judgment, and also according to my consciousness, it is evident that it is bad, because I serve unworthily, being fed up, irritated, in pride, in anger, envy, quarrel, in laziness, despondency and other sins. Long-suffering Lord! Do not sow me like a barren fig tree, but wait still for my appeal!! Hey, amen! April 7. Friday of the 6th week of Lent. When we pray, then in a strange way the most holy, lofty objects revolve in our thoughts, along with earthly, everyday, insignificant objects, for example: God, and some favorite object, for example money, some thing, clothes, a hat, a watch, or some sweet piece, a sweet drink, or some external distinction - a cross, an order, ribbons, a skufia, a kamilavka, etc. So we are frivolous, partial, absent-minded! This is typical only of pagans, who do not know the true God and His Son Jesus Christ with the Holy Spirit, and not of Christians, whose treasure is not on earth, but in heaven. Where is the living water in our hearts, flowing with a life-giving spring in hearts wholly devoted to God? The reason she doesn’t exist is because she is forced out of him by everyday vanities and addictions. You cannot serve God and mammon [Matt. 6, 24; OK. 16, 13], says Truth. After confession in the church, going home with the Holy Gifts to give farewell to one sick person in Lebedev’s house on Andreevsky Lane, I did a great insolence in the presence of my Lord: I became irritated with the beggars who were not satisfied with my giving of alms both at the church and who also came up to me at the fence of the church house. I was especially angry upon leaving Lebedev’s house and upon entering the gates of my house: here I completely lost patience - I was furious, shouted at the beggars, drove them away quickly, especially the soldier’s son, deceiving me with his promises to go to work here or in St. Petersburg and remaining idle; I pushed him and pulled him by the ear when he was stubborn and persistent. But this rage humiliated and alarmed me more than them. It was necessary to go to the memorial service to K. Akundinov, and I cried out to the Lord with an inner cry, may He have mercy on me, for His mercy is endless, as His greatness is endless. And the Lord of my life had mercy on me, pacifying my soul. Glory to His long-suffering and mercy! I thank the Lord for the successful confession: there were one hundred and twenty-four people at confession, one hundred and thirty last week, and two hundred and thirty at the veneration of the cross. There were many concubines, or illegally cohabiting, as in those weeks - however, no more than ten people this week. We are entangled in the enemy's networks. By cleansing others, I cleanse myself in spirit and body; by healing others, I heal myself; By updating others, I update myself! Wonderful are Your works, O Lord! how righteous, good and wise are Your laws! How good it is for You to work with all your soul! What a blessing it is to save people! God! I thank You for Your sheep, these are all Your sheep, Chief Shepherd - meek, humble, gentle! Here are your babies! But where is the sage? where is the scribe? where is the questioner of this century? Has not God turned the wisdom of this world into foolishness? (1 Cor. 1:20). Where are the wives of the noble and rich of this age? - There are none. They are ashamed and run away from medicine. Let each of us, noble and ignoble, thank the Lord for what he is and what he has; Let everyone remember the nobility of heaven and strive for the honor of a heavenly title. Why does Belial strike me at familiar, often repeated prayers and exclamations? Why this vain fear, this fear of words, this destructive doubt? – From the frequent use of these prayers and from failure to fulfill them, from the inconsistency of our life with them, from not being penetrated by them, from serving the vanity of everyday life. This also happens with people who live with us for a long time: from habit of them, because we often see them, we know their shortcomings, we neglect them. But prayers and exclamations - living water, light, food, drink, strength of the soul, eternal truth - why are we sometimes afraid to pronounce them as they should? - From the action of the poisonous Belial on our soul, the all-cunning envious one, from the instability of our faith, from man-pleasing, which is so sinful especially in the matter of faith, from our passions nesting in the heart and from improper upbringing in youth, from confusion, excessive severity of superiors and mentors. With perishable giving, give also the spiritual: with bread and salt - an affectionate word, for man is not only a body, but a soul and a body, and, moreover, his soul infinitely surpasses the body, like God’s breath, although infected and disfigured by the breath of the devil, but even more so it is necessary to take care of his soul, healing it, softening it, and not striking and hardening it. Fill me with the spirit of love, Lover of mankind, and out of the idleness and inaction of my family (sister Anna), do not let me be upset with them or be hostile to them and thereby do what is pleasing to the devil. You yourself admonish everyone, excite them to deep work, spiritual and physical, so that no one eats bread and no one lives - and I am the first to work and set an example for everyone. That is why the Lord gives me hard work during public prayer, because I give alms with difficulty and sparingly, tightly, with abuse, and reproaches: if I gave in simplicity, I would serve in simplicity, without stumbling. The tongue hangs out, and the heart is confused, weakened by overeating. Veliar again brought confusion and fear into me during the memorial service for Captain 1st Rank Ankudinov and stole many words from the exclamations and dismissals, contrary to my wishes. How he put me to shame! How painful and annoying it was for me! O villain! Taking out Ankudinov. Many generals, captains, lieutenants, midshipmen gathered to take out: they were waiting for Father Matthew, he did not come on time; I was forced to start - this surprise confused me in view of the large audience, to which I was not accustomed; at the exclamation Yako Thou ecu resurrection went astray; On vacation, I was also cut short by the action of Satan, and how cruelly I was wounded, struck by this devilish silence, confusion, fear, doubt! My heart was definitely broken by spiritual paralysis! All the hours, Vespers and Presanctified Mass I was struck by this paralysis! And, I admit, this is from excessive satiety! This is where the weakness and passion of my soul is exposed! Here I see clearly that my soul is devoted to man-pleasing, self-interest, greed, lust, gluttony, drunkenness, ambition, envy and pride, condemnation, willfulness, malice, stubbornness, cowardice with fear and lack of faith, and despondency, and impatience, self-love, deceit, cold indifference to the misfortunes of others, hardness of heart, enmity, hatred, rage, quarrel, contempt, addiction to beautiful and valuable clothes, to money, to partiality and contemplation, fornication, laziness, murmuring, insolence, blasphemy, idle talk, vain laughter, negligence in business, stinginess, all earthly love, all sin. I lack sincere love for those for whom I pray in church or at home, for the living or the dead, but I find myself loving something vain. How far we are in spirit from our holy fathers - and we are far from them, from their fiery spirit because of our constant intemperance, because of our indulgences, because of worldly addictions to which they were alien. Try to pray for everyone as for yourself, wish everyone every good as for yourself. His fear is only human eyes, and he does not know that the eyes of the Lord are ten thousand times brighter than the sun and look at all human paths and penetrate into hidden places. Sirach 23, 24 to 29. I thank the Lord, who dispelled my fear at the sight of the mighty of the earth and the nobles of the earth and who gave me the boldness and strength and feeling to read with firmness and immutability the funeral homily and the prayer behind the pulpit of the Presanctified Liturgy and then at Ankudinov’s funeral the prayer of permission. I confess that this grace was given to me by the Lord through the communion of His most pure and life-giving Mysteries at the Presanctified Liturgy on Holy Monday. I served with Father Matthew. I thank the Lord for having mercy on me with great mercy on Tuesday of Holy Week at Matins, when I was upset in my soul with Father Matthew for reading at the first hour of Matins a long Gospel that was not specified in the charter. Holy Wednesday was for me a day of severe mental and physical suffering due to my intemperance and greed: the day before I ate with gusto buckwheat porridge with butter, in quantities exceeding my need; as a result of this, at night there was a strong erection of the reproductive member - a sign of excessive accumulation of vital moisture; according to custom, I kept it within myself and did not give free rein to the prodigal demon. On Wednesday morning I drank strong tea (I was tempted), although I didn’t want to; at 12 o'clock in the afternoon I unnecessarily ate radishes with a bun and ate a hot pancake, having drunk a horny drink first; at the gymnasium I ate two sips of buckwheat porridge from a pie: as a result of all this, I was terribly stiff - my nerves sank to the extreme; irritation, despondency, extreme mental and physical suffering; many times I went to the altar from confession and poured out my grief and illness in prayer, asking for help from God; the enemy plotted in me: he stumbled me in words. Confessing was the greatest punishment for me. There were one hundred and eighty-four people. This is a fitting punishment for greed on such a day. Fervent bows during prayer humble and warm the soul, collect it from worldly distraction and turn it to God. Start blowing up the extinguished coal and you will blow it up. So is our soul: it is often a cold coal - add fire, oil (oil), and it will flare up. I thank the Lord for His indescribable mercy and quick obedience to me, for He graciously resurrected me, who had died in soul, that is, a sinful death, heeding the voice of my heartfelt cry on the way to the gymnasium (memorial service for Vasily Ryndina, a 6th grade student) and gave me after confusion peace, after crampedness - spiritual space, after bondage and binding - freedom, after shame of the face - boldness, after darkness - light. Oh, how I have learned evil, anger, irritability, how inclined my heart is to these passions! Damn man I am! What was the result of the former sorrow and distress that befell me? - Due to irritation with the beggars! But after two hours I again became angry with the beggars and tore out one of the boys, quite shameless and impudent, by the hair; He reproached many beggars for idleness and parasitism, being himself worse than them. On Good Friday I had one hundred and seventeen people at confession, most of them peasants. During vespers in the Duma, when the shroud was taken out, there was terrible crowding from Belial. When I said goodbye, I was embarrassed and didn’t finish. I read the canon myself. The memorial service for Ryndina was celebrated at the gymnasium at nine o'clock instead of six - the confessors were delayed. Excessive eating and drinking immediately leads to pain in the extremities of the legs. What a connection! Eat and drink in moderation if you want to prevent your feet from hurting. Today during the hours he was angry with the beggars and pulled out one boy by the hair, and for this he himself suffered sorrow and cramped conditions and hellish fire all the time from ten to three hours; I prayed many times, but received little relief: the enemy’s torment remained in me. On Holy Heel, don’t be angry with anyone, bear with everything. Digest the exclamations and prayers with your mind and heart, speak calmly, rarely, and you will not be embarrassed. From my voluptuousness, satiety, greed, how my heart gradually dies for faith, for sincere feeling - everything that I ever pray for, for love for God and neighbor! The enemy tirelessly sows his weeds! Constantly forcibly abducts the word of God from the heart - now one word, now another, now one, now another exclamation of the glory of God will not allow utterance; sometimes he does not allow one to glorify the Most Blessed One, sometimes he does not allow the saints to pronounce their names; then it does not allow one to ask for the departed mercy of God, the Kingdom of Heaven and the forgiveness of sins from Christ, the immortal King and our God, with articulate sounds of words and utterances; then he stumbles when reading the Gospel, prayers, dismissals and thereby greatly hurts the soul. Oh, the most evil bastard! Yesterday, on Great Friday, I did not eat, thank God, the whole day until nine and a half o'clock in the evening, and how easy it was for me to confess to the people: easy to speak, to read the prayer of permission (and how difficult it was to do this on Great Wednesday from satiety - on Wednesday from satiety! - oh, madness and absent-mindedness! Oh, how absent-minded we often are!). What resourcefulness and swagger! Lesson: Don't worry about food all day! And it's time to leave these childish fun! Slept very well; I stood up completely cheerful and light. This is the benefit of fasting! It is clear why the hermits worked for God day and night! For them, the soul prevailed over the flesh, the needs of the soul, or spiritual, over the carnal, just as with us, on the contrary, the flesh prevails over the spirit and the carnal needs prevail over the spiritual. The saints fasted and prayed every now and then - that was their food, but we eat, drink, and sleep every now and then; They wore the same hair shirt all their lives, and we constantly sew new clothes and spend our time in bustle. They did not collect anything, but we constantly collect money and cling to it, to the world, and not to God. But the devil took his character 143 from me even in the evening - anger, confused me with it and did not allow me to serve the Lord with my spacious heart when taking out the shroud in the Duma church: my heart was bound, dead, cold, apathetic, when there should have been tears of tenderness and contrition for my own and human sins. Weep for yourself and for your children... [Lk. 23, 28]. Holy Saturday. The day went well, by God's grace. May I, God, forget all the past insults and unrest in life (imaginary and true, my sister by wife Anna Konstantinovna, like You, Lord, - all my anger, pride, envy, gluttony, satiety, ill will, fornication, grumbling, despondency, blasphemy and other sins, which are countless - and love her like my own sister, with ardor and cleanliness). Children, like Angels, instinctively sense the disposition or disposition of the heart towards their father or mother and strangers towards them and never caress those who are unwilling and evil and willingly caress those who are disposed. This has been noticed. By their behavior in relation to famous people, you can find out who is good or evil at a certain time. After all, I am my own idol and filled with different idols; when am I completely God's? - Never. My heart seems to be torn into pieces by various passions. On my ridge are all the bosses of passions 144. Whatever I look at is an idol, whatever I hear is an idol, whatever I taste or smell is an idol, whatever I touch is an idol; I am a constant idolater, my God! Oh, how You tolerate my ingratitude, and my apostasy, and my idolatry! God bless! Once again we waited for the all-joyful holiday of the Resurrection of Christ! The day is clear and radiant. April 16, 1872 Easter. On this day, invisible enemies put extreme pressure on me, not allowing me to utter words and speeches, especially at the proskomedia; there was a strong struggle with the spirits of dumbness, there was coldness and powerlessness in the soul; but - glory to the life-giving Mysteries - as soon as I partook of the Most Pure Body and Blood, I immediately felt within myself Divine life, spiritual resurrection, renewal, life-giving warmth, strength, peace, freedom. I thank the Lord, who forgives my countless iniquities and heals my mental and physical ailments! I thank the Lord, who condescends to the feeling of the greatest poverty and misery of my soul and gives me the riches of His grace. I sinned before the Lord on this day by eating and drinking more than I should have, and I offended the Lord and the life-giving Mysteries with gluttony and satiety. All spiritual and civil authorities are the goodness of the Lord, for which we must always sincerely thank the Lord and ask them from the Lord for help and enlightenment from above, so that we may all live a quiet and silent life in all piety and purity (1 Tim. 2:2). It is not enough to believe in Christ - you also need to believe in yourself, said one woman, a German Lutheran. At first these words seemed wrong to me, but then, when I thought about it, they seemed to me to have an important and deep meaning and positively true: you also need to have faith in yourself, and it is precisely these words that are justified on me, or, better to say, the failure to fulfill these words has a disastrous effect on me, precisely when I, standing in church in front of a multitude of people or in front of the powerful of this world, lose faith in myself, in my human dignity, my dignity, in my strength - I cannot speak, from timidity I am embarrassed and the word freezes on my lips and in my heart. Here you will involuntarily agree that it is not enough to believe in Christ, you also need to believe in yourself: without faith in yourself, a person is nothing; many good thoughts, undertakings, enterprises will freeze in him because of distrust of himself, because of his passive attitude towards everyone and everything. I thank the Lord for being honored yesterday with the communion of the life-giving Mysteries and for healing my soul and body, upset by humble food, for the cleansing of my sins, for sanctification and for the incorruptible robe in Christ. Grant, Lord, the strength to preserve these spiritual gifts through Your grace. Third day of Easter. The Lord performed with me today a miracle of His goodness and His omnipotence: having died a spiritual or sinful death and my very body seemed to have died (it was so hard for me to serve the liturgy with burning and sharp internal thorns) - He revived me instantly through the communion of the life-giving Mysteries of His Most Pure Body and Blood, healed me from all internal ulcers and granted me, previously fearful and to the weak, strength, courage to speak without stumbling, which he could not pronounce before or had difficulty pronouncing. Oh, life-giving, cleansing fire, spreading through my insides through the reception of the most pure Body and Blood! How desirable, how peaceful, how joyful, how free, how bold you are! How great were my tightness, sorrow, despondency, powerlessness, fear, confusion, hesitation in the thoughts of my heart, so great became my freedom, spaciousness of heart, joy, hope, strength, boldness! Glory to the power of the Lord, made perfect in weakness, glory to the grace of the Lord, abounding where sin abounded! May this day be memorable! Morning. 5 o'clock. Here's an orange for you! Here's some boiled cod with a lot of butter, here's some cream to drink, here's some black bread and butter, here's some strong tea and two cups to spare! Here's to stopping diarrhea! My back hurts, my teeth on the right side hurt, my sleep was restless - everything seemed to be falling apart! I have sinned before God and myself! Giver of mercy, Lord, have mercy on me. You don’t need to eat oranges with quick cream and cow’s butter, and you don’t need to eat black bread either: it’s heavy, especially at night. Oh, how harmful excesses are to me! Yesterday I didn’t have to eat at home because I had a hearty dinner at the wake. Oh, greed. God! Make a good start and vouchsafe me! You don't need to eat cod. For those who continually partake of the Divine Mysteries, it is time, time to come to their senses and not please the belly and not be satiated! If you ate a hearty meal at lunch, then in the evening do not think about food or eat something light in very moderate quantities. Yesterday, after the abundant communion of the Holy Mysteries, I would not have had to have dinner, that is, not eat anything meat, but I ate cold and hot game meat, and after Vespers I ate cod with black bread with butter and cream. This is reckless, and that’s why I myself suffer, because of toothache, extreme nervous irritation, difficulty reading aloud, embarrassment, and fear. And yesterday I was a fine fellow before eating in the evening, although after dinner I felt very sleepy and it was difficult to walk after a hearty meat dinner at Balabanov’s funeral. I thank the Lord: I tore apart the bonds of sins, blew away demonic dirty tricks with the inspiration of His Spirit, consumed sins; He again gave me His shrine through the communion of His Holy Mysteries. And the rage of the enemy was terrible: he completely suppressed both my spirit and body, using as an excuse and as an aid to himself the bad state of my stomach, which resulted from excess in food and drink on the eve of this day. Dinners are a disaster for me, especially in the kitchen: what doesn’t happen there, what they don’t cook and don’t do there - there’s drunkenness and binge drinking, there’s dancing, card playing, and excessive smoking of tobacco, and every kind of deed that is repugnant to God and pleasing to the enemy. At mass today, God could not say the prayers with the prayers of the holy, glorious and all-validated apostle and evangelist John the Theologian... etc. - the enemy confused and confused with his opinion about mammon. Morning of April 20. Because of moderation in food and drink in the evening (two thick eggs and tea with a plain dry bun and two oranges), I slept peacefully, only a little perspiring. I thank the Lord for the gift of abstinence and sleep. Strengthen, O Lord, in every virtue my free strength, given to me by Your ineffable goodness. Today I will not fail to thank my Lord for the ineffable mercy shown to me many times, for the healing of the heart wounds inflicted on me by the enemy, and for the resurrection from sinful death, and especially for the unfailing performance of the liturgy (I reprimanded the empress) and the life-giving communion of the Holy Mysteries. Benefactor, Giver of my spiritual and physical breath, confirm this, which You have done in me: grant me with boldness to always serve You and partake without condemnation of Your Holy Mysteries. Whoever wants to be great must be a slave to all and a servant to all [Matt. 20, 26; 23, 11]. There is a close relationship between the image and the Prototype - the pious man and God, between the members and the Head, the Shepherd and the sheep, between the Vine and the birth (branches). If we always believed in this truth and remembered it - oh, in what harmony, in what love and purity we would live, how we would be merciful towards each other, how we would be forgiving and forgiving of each other, knowing that we ourselves first of all need condescension and mercy towards ourselves, Divine and human, as we are extremely weak in spirit and body! The Royal Review and the Last Judgment. Catholics, Lutherans, Armenians, English have damaged the Divine integrity of the faith and contain the truth in untruth, and many Orthodox believers limit themselves to appearance alone, to external rituals alone, not caring about correcting their hearts and lives. (I will judge righteousness [Russian: I will carry out judgment in righteousness] [Ps. 74:3].) Actions of the enemy: plucks out faith and the word of faith, plants in the hearts unbelief, blasphemy, blasphemy, envy, pride, malice, fornication, gluttony, satiety, waywardness, disobedience, hardness of heart. How difficult it is to sleep due to the meager food: pie, cabbage soup, meat! Intense heat in the blood, sweat, unpleasant sensation in the mouth. O heavenly continence! When I kiss you and follow you. Lord, Lover of Mankind and Most Righteous Judge! Yesterday during the liturgy, before the great entrance, when all carnal passions should have fallen silent and been crucified, I fell into a shameful fall - envy and greed, lust or addiction to the prosphyra of the laity at the sight of their immoderate size, and I was embarrassed and fell into oppression, shame, dishonor; Satan vomited strong poison into my soul through yesterday’s gluttony and voluptuousness at the school principal’s and kissing with gamblers. The poison of gluttony and envy (why do the laity have such prosphora) inflamed me to such an extent that I could not control myself, my heart during the entire mass and was confused and upset (Archpriest Father Matthew was here), so I did not perform the blessing of the Holy Gifts in a peaceful spirit, not kindly and with the fear of God. Here's sweet tea (three glasses), a very tasty Easter cake, short crackers, sweet, hard and round, raspberry jam, oranges! After mass. By the end of the mass, Adr was irritated with the sexton. Nikitin for leaving the choir; I repented - and the Lord allowed me to receive communion with boldness, for the revitalization of soul and body - and glorified the power and mercy of the Lord, who raised me from sinful death, for I felt vividly after death life in my insides, after confusion - calm, after crampedness - space, after despondency - joy. But after mass I became very irritated with the beggar boy who was bothering me with begging; cursed him loudly, in his hearts - and again death, sorrow, tightness in the soul and hellish fire. I begged the Lord for a long time - and again received forgiveness! Glory to Thee, Lord! I thank you because the Lord was not completely angry with me. The concept of grace. What is grace? – The good power of God, given to a person who believes and is baptized in the name of Jesus Christ or the Holy Trinity, cleansing, sanctifying, enlightening, helping in doing good and avoiding evil, comforting and encouraging in adversity, sorrow and illness, guaranteeing the receipt of eternal blessings prepared by God in heaven for His chosen ones. Whether someone was proud, proud, angry, envious, he became meek and humble, selfless for the glory of God and the good of his neighbor, friendly to everyone, condescending, compliant without indulgence - he became so through the power of grace. Whether someone was an unbeliever, he became a believer and a zealous executor of the precepts of faith - he became so by the power of grace. Whether someone was money-loving, selfish and unjust, hard-hearted towards the poor, but, having changed in the depths of his soul, he became non-covetous, truthful, generous, compassionate - he owes this to the power of the grace of Christ. Whether someone was a glutton, a polyeater and a heavy drinker, but he became an abstinent, a faster, not out of illness or awareness of the harm to the body of intemperance, but out of consciousness of a moral, higher goal - he became so by the power of grace. Whether someone was a hater and vindictive, vindictive, but suddenly he became humane, loving even his enemies, ill-wishers and scolders, not remembering any insults - he became so through the reviving, transforming and renewing power of grace. Was anyone cold towards God, towards the church, towards worship and prayer, in general, towards the Sacraments of faith, which cleanse, renew and strengthen our souls and bodies, and suddenly, having changed in his soul, he became ardent towards God, towards worship, towards prayer, reverent towards the Sacraments - he became so through the action of the saving grace of God. From this it is clear that many live outside of grace, not realizing its importance and necessity for themselves and not seeking it, according to the word of the Lord: Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you [Matt. 6, 33]. Many live in all abundance and contentment, enjoy blooming health, eat with pleasure, drink, walk, have fun, write, work in various parts or branches of human activity - but they do not have the grace of God in their hearts, this priceless Christian treasure, without which a Christian cannot be a true Christian and heir to the Kingdom of Heaven. God gave Anna Konstantinovna and father Grigory Ivanovich Tsvetkov a daughter, Elisaveta. Father Gregory invites me to be the baby’s adopter. I thank you for the honor, for it is truly a great honor: to be the recipient of the font and the godfather of the little one who is destined to be the daughter of the Heavenly Father and our Lord Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit. May this nepotism strengthen my spiritual and family ties with Father Gregory and Anna Konstantinovna, my sister by wife. May all sorrows be forgotten. If I was not dear to them before, let me be dear to them at least as the godfather and godfather of their baby. However, words spoken in the hearts should not be taken at face value. Yes, they are fair in relation to my old, passionate man (they treated my passionate man). But to value an old man would be ridiculous: he is not dear to me either, but is disgusting and despicable and worthy of all disgust. There is no point in holding a grudge or being indignant at the one who said these words. Moreover, there is nothing higher and more precious in Christianity than to forget insults and do good to those who offend us, and nothing is so much vulnerable to the devil, who hurts us constantly because of our pride, as by forgetting insults and loving our enemies. All pretexts for hostility are gone. I spoke with the maid Ekaterina disapprovingly, judgmentally and unkindly, gloating and vindictive about my daughter Elisaveta, who had been delivered from her pregnancy, about my sister Anna Konstantinovna, and my heart became heavy, restless and vague, I returned again to hostile passion, again instead of love I showed hatred towards her, or committed internal murder. He judged her, but forgot himself, his truly countless passions, and was ready to renounce the nepotism that was offered to me, it seemed, with the aim of placing a material and moral obligation on me. If only it were so! – Shouldn’t I do this for my sister-in-law, although she is not loved by me and not respected for her dislike and disrespect especially for my late mother? It is precisely to eradicate hostility, to counteract in myself the feeling of the devil’s enmity and the passion of stinginess, should I not do good to Anna Konstantinovna by receiving the baby from the font? Or maybe, over time, this child, having become big, will remember me and pray for me?.. Until now I feel bad in my soul: it’s like a snake is sucking my heart - it’s a demon of malice... But let me forget everything... let all calculations go away. Let love reign in the heart. The selfless service of my wife to my sister and her children is a high feat of love, worthy of my respect (and not indignation for the sake of her constant absences), for to provide for one’s own, and especially for one’s relatives (1 Tim. 5:8), is a matter of faith and a feat of faith. So, let me not demand her constant service to myself. “But let her serve only what is necessary, and leave the rest to the nannies.” I have to live as a monk - God's will be done. Oh, to be a monk both in heart and in life, that is, an angel of meekness, gentleness, love, purity and obedience, non-covetousness, patient, complacent! From now on, I must not say anything bad about my sister Anna Konstantinovna and my wife Elisabeth to the maid, so as not to arouse enmity in my heart, about which I must cry; try to speak what serves to praise them, for they have many beautiful sides that I (perhaps) do not have. After all, they are sisters - after all, they are my flesh and blood, after all, they are uterine: sympathy and assistance are natural. There are so many dishonest passions in me! And how wildly, ferociously they manifest themselves! How quickly the sinful flame engulfs me, now of malice or guile, now of pride and envy, now of stinginess, greed and lust, now of contemplation and all uncleanness, now of waywardness and stubbornness, now of selfishness and love of money, now of anger and irritability! And the Lord is patient with me, waiting for my correction. And I don’t care about correction! And I continue to be fed up, and to drink beyond measure, and to be malicious, and to be irritated, and to envy, and to be ill-willed, and to be malicious, and to be greedy, and willful (and so on), and to judge others, and to speak ill of others, and to pray to God insincerely, and to be cold towards people and even towards the authorities placed over me, from the highest to the lowest. Oh, how the pleasures and addictions of life oppose love for God and neighbor, this essence and basis of our life and the fulfillment of the law! What exactly is ours in the world? - Nothing. What is eternal in this world? - Nothing. One love endures forever. He who has acquired love has acquired eternal life. We celebrated the resurrection of Christ... But is it true? Have we been resurrected spiritually? He who is proud and proud is a dead man. Have we been resurrected? Anyone who is angry, vindictive, envious, greedy, money-loving, a drunkard, a fornicator is a dead man. Have we been resurrected?.. And so on. Oh, how there are still many dead among us - and in vain we celebrate the resurrection of Christ, for we celebrate in the flesh, and not spiritually, for we remain dead, and not resurrected. Oh, how we often need at least a single ray of the enlightening, revitalizing and strengthening grace of God in order to free ourselves from the darkness of sin, to rise from dead deeds and to stand firmly on the path of good! We cannot do anything good without the help of God's grace. We act with trust in our mind, in our thoughts, feelings, intentions, views, passions of the heart - but have we tested what our spiritual tools are, with which we act, are they in working order, are they healthy? Are they not crooked, are they not broken, are they not painful, are they not perverse? Every man is a lie [Ps. 115, 2]. Many ignoramuses and scientists speak nonsense, nonsense, and absurdity, although they present their words as words of common sense (Rykachev would have shot his brother with a revolver in a certain case). Many speak and act wrongly, crookedly, out of passion - and justify themselves. I, too, often speak and act this way and have not corrected myself; Are our tools intact and in good working order - mind, heart and will; Is it right, is it in God’s way, is it according to the law of conscience and God that they act this way? Be above earthly blessings, worldly comforts, life itself: live in heaven with your heart. Don’t eat meat: it greatly hardens your heart and torments your passions. [...] be extremely careful of excess in everything: it is the power of the enemy and the powerlessness of the spirit for you. The strongest erection of the reproductive member, the most annoying sweetness - all from meat. You don't need it at all! Easy and plant-based to eat. Don't drink sweet tea. Give, Lord! Christian sciences and literature have become almost exclusively earthly. The Gospel and the law of God are neglected, the lives of the saints are ridiculed - in general, everyone has some kind of feverish earthly activity, almost no one thinks about pleasing God and saving the soul. Pathetic condition! This is our modern idolatry in Christianity: self-love, ambition, earthly pleasure, gluttony and covetousness, fornication - it is this that has completely turned our eyes and our hearts away from God and the heavenly fatherland and nailed it to the ground, it is this that has eradicated love for our neighbor and is arming us against each other. Woe, woe to us! Do not run from the beggar (like yesterday), but run to the beggar to help him, even if many people ask you for help every day, for alms are your gain. According to his giving, it is said, he will be rewarded. When you run from the beggar, you run from the Lord and fall into the snare of the evil one - and then you will cry out to God and will not be heard for a long time until you are punished and come to your senses and correct yourself. The devil tries to develop and strengthen every passion in us to the end, therefore woe to sleeping people who do not fight with every passion operating in them, but feed their passions through satisfying them (malice, hatred, envy, gluttony and delicacy, carnal love): they will kill them; there are many examples of this (in the Bible, Gospel, Chetya-Menaia or church history). The Lord allows man to do both evil and good, that is, to complete it. In every person, so to speak, there lives side by side good and evil, high and low, serious and funny, courage and cowardice, nobility and meanness, simplicity and guile, purity and ugliness fornication, abstinence and satiety, generosity and stinginess, mercy and hard-heartedness, non-covetousness and love of money, love and hatred, truth and untruth, sincerity and hypocrisy - and many, many more opposites. Thus sin has established its foot in us! - Either respect to the point of adoration, or contempt, worse than for the dumb; now ardor, now coldness, now [amazing] activity, now motionless laziness; now peace, now confusion, now sadness, now joy, now hope, now despair, now goodwill, now envy, now good joy, now gloating. How do we perceive the highest sacrament of Divine love for us - the sacrament of the Christian faith - with our mind, heart and life, or with our free will? Are all three powers of our soul imbued with holy faith, like the souls of saints?.. The Kingdom of Heaven is like leaven, which a woman took and put into three measures of flour (three powers of the soul), until everything was leavened [Matt. 13, 33]. April 23. With all the strength of soul and body, we will diligently accept the worldly, transitory, sinful (voluptuousness, greed, ambition), and not the heavenly and eternal. Do not seek respect, but earn it yourself through sincere love for everyone, especially for those close to you. Not without bitter sadness, as a result of slander from demons, I served the liturgy today: they are terribly tired of me with their obstacle to pronounce the royal name at the great entrance: they stand in defiance and do not allow me to pronounce without extreme effort: you will be exhausted, having fought with them, you will not be able to control yourself from the weakness of body and spirit and you will involuntarily give up saying some words and names; the same thing sometimes happens when reading the Gospel and prayers. It is with tears that I write this note. The weather was extremely rainy in the morning; I hardly slept at night, only slept for three and a half hours - this increased my weaknesses. Since the evening there has been an extreme struggle with passions and with demons that brutally attacked me. But I thank the Lord, who made me worthy to partake of the life-giving Holy Mysteries; I was comforted after bitter sadness and sorrow. There were a lot of prayers (up to sixteen). Do not allow your love for your loved ones, weaknesses, shortcomings, the errors of which you always have to see, to dry up in your heart, but, remembering your weaknesses, weaknesses and shortcomings, be condescending towards others, noticing them in them; sincerely wish them good, do it, although your heart may be disinclined to do so; pray for them, although you don’t feel like praying; in order to preserve love, one must fight with the internal opponents of love and the instigators of enmity. April 24. It is human nature to sin, to be mistaken, to swear, to have enmity or to be arrogant before you - but if he repents, leave it to him and in any case do not have enmity towards him, but pity him and pray for him. I drank tea with wine last night, I thought it would be good, but it didn’t: the wine sent me to bed before I wanted to, without reading the akathists and canons. I didn’t sleep very well at night - it was cold, and my back hurt, probably from black beer with coffee, cream, tea. Do not have wine or strong drink [Lk. 1, 15]: they fog, burden, confuse. Sour milk with sour cream is good for me: it relieves my tight stomach and makes me free. What a nasty feeling in my mouth after smoking a cigar last night! There is pain and tightness in the lower back, and an unpleasant sensation throughout the whole body! And restless sleep - may this frantic smoking, useless, harmful, not be repeated again. Tobacco also dampens the heart! And this is already too harmful! There is not the slightest benefit in the delicacy (cream): at night today they gave me pain in the lower back (they were fatty); in the morning there is tightness in the soul, irritability, passion for earthly things, for delicacy sets fire, arms the flesh for passions, arms us against people who take advantage of our material wealth, wounds us with enmity towards them, envy, hatred, deprives a person of peace, makes him dissatisfied with nothing, while everything is going well for him. The citric acid I consumed in excess last night is giving me back pain. I sinned before God and before myself: I drank one bottle of Bavarian beer on Monday of the 2nd week of Lent and two more glasses of tea! This 1) made me drunk and 2) burdened myself and required me to sleep early at night. Greed! After Matins. After mild diarrhea, my soul weakened for public prayer, lost grace, boldness, strength, peace, freedom, joy in the Holy Spirit. And I got carried away due to significant consumption of beer, as mentioned above. During Matins, he repeatedly served as a source of ridicule to the enemy, being embarrassed, stumbling, not reciting the prayers of St. Ephraim the Syrian and the Little Litany a second time, and even for the first time. My nerves dropped extremely, and so did my spirit. This is how excess drinking punishes itself. You don't need to eat lingonberry jam either. However, I felt relaxed because of the cold beer, that is, because it was cold and not warm beer. Kissel is sweet when I eat it, but the next day it turns out to be disgusting for the soul: potato flour produces an irritating effect on me, scrofulous. Yes, and everything pleasant and sweet subsequently turns in some part into the body, and the rest into manure and stench; for the body you need very, very little. At two o'clock in the afternoon in the gymnasium I drank a glass of water; On the evening of March 10, at 8 o'clock, after confession, I ate a Crimean apple at home, then with black bread I ate fresh ruff and a little fish soup, then some jelly with almond milk, then I drank tea with honey and a roll, ate a few olives, a piece of lemon and finally drank a small glass of red wine: all this, consumed in moderation, was very useful for me: today, 11 March, in the morning, I felt cheerful, my nerves, and with them my spirit, were calm, I served calmly. Thanks be to God, helper, deliverer, doctor. Honey is a healthy thing. Yesterday I ate once a day – in the evening at 8 o’clock. At mass he ate the Heavenly Bread, there was enough wine dissolved in the cup, the size of the Holy Lamb was significant. It’s good not to have dinner at night, but just to drink good tea, especially with honey, like yesterday, March 11: I slept peacefully, especially due to the gift of prayer and the mercy of God. Glory to God for everything - I am completely in the mercy of God: it is above me, and through me, and in me. Our sextons are very appreciative of the fact that they read well and generally serve in the Cathedral. Salmon and caviar eaten at night [...] give rise to bad dreams. (March 22 at night from Tuesday to Wednesday of the Week of the Cross.) Do not eat salmon and caviar during Lent; In general, avoid fish. Help me, God! On Tuesday, December 28, Kutuzov the sexton was drunk, spent the night carousing, and did not come to the funeral service at Baikov’s house. Outside the city, during mass, he got drunk and completely went crazy, his face was completely sour - he couldn’t sing litias. Evil must be stopped and corrected and strict measures must be taken. I don’t need to eat heavy cream at all and generally eat at night: it’s hard and my back hurts. One lunch a day is enough, and then in the evening. I ate pancakes, but I wasn’t happy either: my left leg hurt from the mealy food. January 22, 1872, Saturday. Lenten food has a beneficial effect on me, especially lean cabbage soup with fried fish and freshly cut cucumbers, roast fish, smelt or perch. It was easy for me in general and easy to serve in particular. Sexton Kutuzov was not at Matins on January 25, he returned late at night at three o’clock from his name day and could not wake up from drunkenness, although they woke him up loudly and for a long time. The sexton Kutuzov came to Matins after the kathismas, and also with a drunken head, sang randomly, and I fell into strong and lasting embarrassment because of him, having extended a prayer to God for him. Yesterday I ate raspberries with tea, but today the sweetness bothers me in my loins. No need to eat sweets. I also drank sweet tea. Sexton Kutuzov went to the cemetery without permission from February 2 to 3, lost the whole night at cards, got drunk and returned home at 9 o'clock in the morning. I celebrated early mass in the Duma with a deacon, who served instead of a sexton. This mass was difficult for me. I was not myself all the time. Sexton Kutuzov was drunk at vespers on March 8th; as punishment I forced him to bow five times at the throne. And on March 9th I was drinking too much. Today, February 3, a young, long-nosed, healthy beggar man was given 50 kopecks for boots so that he could work and not come to me anymore. I suffer from excess eating: I need small prosphoras, and why do the laity need large ones? - Not for satiety, for that is what there is a table at home for, but for sanctification and health. Do not eat duck at all: it is gluttonous and its meat is fatty and heavy. This is what I experienced today. She makes me feel so bad and I’m so irritable! Black beer, tea with cream and honey, consumed together one after the other, weaken (allow). Everything was very easy, and there was no tightness in the sides. Late in the evening I drank coffee with cream and crackers, and, probably from the coffee, I had trouble sleeping at night and felt irritation and melancholy in my sides. I ate the raisins at about eleven in the evening, and it made me feel very sleepy, but I overcame myself and prayed to God while walking. By the grace of God I read the Canon of the Cross with tears. He did not satisfy the beggars standing at the gate: this probably caused melancholy and anxiety. Fix it, Lord! Don't drink coffee at night like you did yesterday. It harms, excites the blood, relaxes the nerves, drives away sleep; the same thing happened when I drank coffee in the evening at a widow’s house. Also, do not eat a lot of raisins at night: they greatly excite [...] and lead to prodigal outpouring. I ate prosphora with tea in the morning of February 12, and it was not beneficial, because there was no need to eat or drink at such an early time. There is a slight pain in the side. Meat, wine, raw fish, and even boiled fish, strongly stimulate the blood and vital juices, and sweets do the same. Therefore, it is extremely necessary to avoid them and sometimes be content with bread and water. When does Belial especially raise unclean waves in our hearts? – When we ate and drank especially well. Meat fat and butter in roasts, and in general anything fatty, is harmful to me - it clogs the stomach, the blood, and the lungs, as I have experienced many times. And the heart gets fatter and coarser and becomes more passionate. Quit fatty foods. Amen. Enough! Hurts. June 29. Philip Stepanov is very dissatisfied that the archpriest goes against society like against water. Parishioners often give deacons a ruble, as yesterday at the christening in Aleksandr Estafiev’s house; for marriage searches they charge a ruble each, for a signature in the book of the bride and groom, almost the same; income from the priest - in itself, the mug too - you can’t be offended. But for this they are sometimes deprived of income for funeral services. Honey is a drink. Grapes and marmalade are very good for my weak body; caviar with white bread or a roll is also very good. For everything, thanks be to the Lord (October 23, 1871). Smoking a cigar (once a month or less) always produces pain in the extremity of the left leg, in the small toes; Eating too much potatoes also harms me, developing scrofula, and also produces pain in the legs. Excessive consumption of cream with or without tea produces a strong erection in the secret penis at night. You should consume cream and milk in extreme moderation or avoid them altogether. (November 4, 1871) Soup (meat) with pearl barley and roots is a very healthy thing, but without meat. Cabbage sauce on sausages is also a good thing (without the sausages themselves). Does not burden the stomach. Meat pie with salted whitefish is a healthy thing. Doctors harass the sick (poor) to get medicine from the pharmacy. Be extremely careful about eating salmon and fish in general at night (and sometimes it is useful, in moderation, just a walk after): it causes extremely strong tension in the reproductive organ and a disposition to prodigal dreams and discharges. (This was the case today, from November 18th to 19th - I tossed and turned all night from side to side, so as not to allow myself to fall asleep soundly and not be subjected to prodigal sleep and its consequences; the tension is extreme. Also, don’t drink wine at night; don’t sit in a smoking apartment, like yesterday at Vasily Ivanovich Petrov’s.) The treats of Vasily Ivanovich Petrov and the air in his apartment are hard for me; Don’t help yourself in the future and don’t sit in his apartment: the air is stale and smoky. If you want to be carried away, then drink a glass of raw, not very cold water after tea - and here’s a laxative that will cleanse you. Buy halva sometimes for health (40 kopecks a box). There is no need to drink tea in the morning, especially with a roll - it’s unnecessary, there is no need, it’s just a whim to drink and eat in the morning; You don’t need to eat until 12 o’clock or 3 o’clock. December 8, 1871. Sexton Kutuzov was drunk at vespers today (December 13, 1871). Tell the sexton to read clearly, not very hastily, and sing I Believe, and so on, according to It is worthy to eat less often. During the evening meal today it was very difficult for me because I ate fried fish in quick oil, and fish in general, especially vinaigrette with teshka. Allow the beggars to explain themselves to you, and the more they arm you against one of them, the more try to listen to him in detail. Go against the enemy, do not do his will. On December 18, I had severe rheumatism in my left leg because I had been in the bathhouse the previous day and, washing in the section where the shelves and the stove were, I heated up my blood, and in the evening I turned up the heat of my blood at Palyanov’s by drinking sherry (four glasses), and even from satiety. On the morning of December 22, I ate an excessive amount of rolls after communion in the Duma Church, and in the evening today I am definitely tied up - this excess is a burden and relaxation for me. Oatmeal soup with crumbled black bread and potato jelly with cranberry juice without almond milk is the most restorative dish: it is disastrous rubbish for me. December 24. (Secretary Adrian Nikitin came to Matins late today (May 26), at the third call: I woke up on my way to Matins, the guards woke me up twice, came at half-time when I went out to read the canon, left the choir on a whim: don’t disturb us, and didn’t come until the doxology; after Matins, he pretended that I was going out to sing in the choir, which is what all the sextons They complained and complained to the archpriest that I was stopping them from singing, but they don’t know how to sing. Judge me, O God, and judge me [Ps. 42, 1]. in the form of malfunctions of the sextons, but to rule over his sexton in meekness and calm rebuke, although threatening to the lawless; he called them snakes, births of vipers, according to their cunning.) Apart from harm, smoking tobacco does not bring anything to the smoker. I tried smoking a small cigar many times, and the result was always a relaxation of my nerves and a loss of voice. October 17, 1871. Sunday. May God forgive me. On the evening of the 27th of June, I ate with gusto some cold fish with horseradish and mustard - and it turned out badly: I couldn’t sleep peacefully at night, there was tightness in my sides (horseradish and mustard also have an unfavorable effect on me). There is no need to eat at all at night. I drank honey yesterday: there is no need to drink honey. Tea is the best drink. However, even then you should drink no more than two glasses (I wrote this in the morning before matins). At Matins I thought differently. However, the cold was beneficial in that it loosened and cleared the stomach and chest: the voice was clear and loud. Honey was also beneficial. Therefore, it is useful to eat both in moderation. June 28, 1871. After mass. On the night of the 1st of this day I slept poorly because I ate black bread with butter and cream at night and braided my hair after the bath. There is no need to eat black bread at night. I had the temerity to eat quite a bit of fried fish (perch) with a bun at night (I ate the whole bun) and drink three glasses of tea on top, and then two glasses of honey, and this resulted in a restless sleep, and sweat poured from me like water from someone doused with water. Oh, you shouldn't have dinner at night! How long will I keep repeating or chatting without benefit?.. You shouldn't smoke tobacco at all: it's disgusting in your mouth, disgusting in your body, dust in your eyes. It’s very healthy to drink strong tea with sugar on top, especially after lunch with lean fish: suddenly the severe pain in my leg – rheumatism – went away, and I slept very well at night after drinking tea, without eating anything. August 28. Thank the Lord for the means at hand for health! I thank the Lord for his mercy, who briefly punished me with severe rheumatism, from the consolidation of the stomach that happened, and soon delivered me from the hellish fire and pain in my left leg! There is no salvation from boiled cream either: in the morning I went to serve a prayer service at [Kokin’s] house, and again the enemy overthrew him with internal resistance and addiction to the shine of the pectoral cross, as if the smoke of the incense would do anything to him. I feel that its sting in me is goring me. But may the Lord quickly crush Satan under our feet [Rom. 16, 20]. Fish is eaten cold, especially fish soup or roast. Vinaigrette is a very healthy, light, digestible thing; oatmeal grated through a sieve is a very good thing. Sweet soup is healthy: it has the ability to weaken or resolve. Take note of the orange liqueur that my father Grigory Ivanovich Tsvetkov, my brother-in-law, treated me to. Take into account that sexton Kutuzov plays cards a lot and loses at night and that’s why he gets sick and doesn’t go to work. Saturday of St. Thomas Week. Yesterday at Vespers and today at Matins and Mass, that is, the sexton was not there. I found out today (April 18) that our sextons go to the theater - and where do they get the money so that they can go and take their wives; Moreover, they play cards a lot. Take 35 kopecks from sexton Kutuzov. (What kind of sextons are these? What peace of mind will they have during the service?) Sexton Kutuzov himself said that he won 10 rubles in one evening. Write the story of the change of elders to the Reverend Paul. On the selection of sextons (exclusively by the archpriest). The cathedral sextons have been abusing artos this year: they took it to houses as if for sale, and together Kutuzov and Kamenogradsky collected 40 silver rubles. For pennies they humiliate themselves, their surplice and the very gift of God, and then they go to the theater and play cards. Kamenogradsky walks the streets with lit cigars. Priests need to behave in such a way that the sextons behave respectfully before them and fear them, so that evil does not dare to openly raise its head and openly walk around the city. If sexton V.I. Kutuzov does not correct himself, hand him over to his father, the archpriest, as disobedient, as faulty in his service, with whom it is outrageous to serve. Yesterday (May 9th) in the evening I ate roast and green cabbage soup with gusto, and did it badly: the sweets in the genital member were violently raging, they were strongly torn out. And in a dream, the enemy laughed at me in the most cruel way, imagining to me that I was serving the liturgy and was constantly getting confused, that I had neither bread nor a cup of wine on my throne, and that idle people were coming up to me to scatter me even more. May these dreams of dark and crafty spirits not be in your dreams. Yesterday I sinned in a conversation: I condemned and ridiculed the late Most Reverend Smaragd Orlovsky, when the monk spoke about his passion for love of money. Am I without passions? And was it such a dignitary and elder that I condemned? Isn't God the judge of our affairs? I must judge myself unmercifully. Yesterday I treated the sexton strictly, looking at him not meekly, but angrily and evilly for his careless behavior in the presence of the cross and Christ God crucified on it. I ate meat today (Trinity Saturday) and again acted badly: the enemy began to sting more strongly. There is no need to eat meat or fish: milk and cream should be consumed for the sake of bodily weakness. White bread - bun or rush, are harmful to me, especially with potatoes together. Cod is harmful to me, perch and ruffed fish too: they attach strongly, which causes swelling of the gums; Oranges are harmful due to their strong smell - they also greatly excite or sharpen the blood. Vegetable oil also has an adverse effect on the body. And smoking tobacco is the most harmful thing of all: I took it, smoked half a cigar, even less, and my mouth became extremely unpleasant, as if from the most stinking feces, and it spoiled the air in the room, and upset my nerves, and I could not sleep. I walked around the room almost all night. Never smoke tobacco: there is not the slightest benefit from it, on the contrary, it causes great harm. This is a damn stench, this is a damn icicle. Drinking a lot of tea, especially without cream and with lemon, is very harmful: it causes insomnia. I drank a lot of tea yesterday. Do not be tempted to drink wine in large quantities: it warms the blood, and for a scrofulous person like you, it is especially harmful. Honey is also hot. I shouldn’t eat porridge and mealy stews: scrofula gets worse from them, gumboils, and tumors in general. I sinned before You, Lord, and also against myself, that I ate in the evening when I didn’t need to eat, and drank when I didn’t need to drink, because while visiting Averky Vasilyevich Shebunin I drank tea with biscuits. And at home I also took up fish. Oatmeal is a very healthy and very light food: one eats it with pleasure and easily after it both at night and in the morning after waking up from sleep (April 8). In general, after fasting you feel light. We must firmly hold fasts: Wednesdays, heels and other fasts. You should also eat oatmeal in moderation: after morning I felt excess and tightness in my sides. Eating oatmeal last night left me with aches and fever. This also happens from eating porridge in the evening. My scrofula does not like mealy foods. To avoid pain in the left extremity of your leg, you should not 1) sleep during the day, but only at night; 2) eat as little pie or cheesecake, generally mealy, as possible, 3) eat as little meat and anything fatty as possible, or better not eat at all, 4) do not read a lot out loud at home, swallowing dust from the floor, 5) do not drink vodka, eat meat broth, drink tea with cream, eat green salad. April 12, 1871. Monday. I made the mistake again last night by eating more black bread and butter than I should have and drinking strong tea. Strong erection, tightness in the sides, rush of blood to the left gums. April 20. All sweets are charm and deception: they are pleasant for a minute when you taste them, but then they are often a burden and misfortune. It is good to be healthy and strong in body, but often an excess of health and strength can be very harmful and deadly if it is not left without proper use or expenditure. It is good to be healthy and strong in body, but it is incomparably better to be healthy and strong in soul; It is good to strengthen hearts with grace, and not with foods from which those who engage in them do not benefit [Heb. 13, 9]. It is never necessary to anoint your hair and braid it after a bath: this causes a terrible decline and illness of the nerves and insomnia (April 23), suspiciousness and extreme irritability. For information about my scrofula. At Midsummer, towards the end of the religious procession, the tip of the foot of my right leg began to hurt very much, and in the evening, while visiting the mechanic Fedorov, my head began to hurt, and I felt nauseous. Eggs should never be eaten in the evening, at night: they are too nutritious and produce extreme nausea in the insides and weaken the heart. You don’t need to eat a lot of quick butter with bread: it’s hard on the stomach and the body in general. At night, eat little and no liquid. Yesterday, June 26 (1871). Saturday. I smoked tobacco, thinking that this would help myself against scrofula, but my nerves weakened even more, my timidity increased, and my irritability also increased. Tobacco makes the heart harden, becomes scalded, and becomes covered with smoldering. I feel it alive. I thank the Lord, who instilled Al in the sick person morally and physically. I. [...] donate 3 rubles to the poor and 2 rubles to his wife. Grant them Your rich mercy. Elena Larionovna in Enuarsky's house. Deacon Peter Sofronov is evil and deceitful, and so is sexton Vasily Kutuzov. Here is a memory of them! Oh, wickedness! Deacon Peter Sofronov and sexton Kutuzov are low people, you should not stand on ceremony with them and keep yourself away, and force them to do everything as they should, maintaining calm importance (August 10), without at all getting excited or embarrassed by their slyness or simple-hairedness. To instill in Kutuzov that he should be polite when entering my apartment and when asking my servant for me is disrespectful. N. Sidorov stubbornly showed the deacon the money collected from the Assumption Church when the deacon came to count; the archpriest does the same... But my humility and boldness of faith, prayer mean something. Yesterday On July 3, I earnestly prayed to the Lord to break the insolence, pride and stubbornness of my spiritual son Nicholas and another, Philip, who decided to humiliate us and dominate the church and all its collections. The archpriest, however, himself is to blame a lot because of his reckless demands and whims. And the Lord will humble him. Varvara Petrovna Drozdova. Constance is a type of sweet wine. Zhitomerie (Church Slav.) – a certain, assigned portion of bread, distributed at a certain time. Harach (Polish) – tribute, tax. Canon of repentance of St. Andrew of Crete, hymn 2. You might be interested in: