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I thank the Lord for help from above during the celebration of Matins and the Liturgy; I thank my Joy for the life, peace and joy given to me in the communion of the Holy Mysteries after the former cramped conditions; for the life-giving fire in my mouth and heart, for victory over the enemies who oppressed and embarrassed me. After mass, in a collision with Father Matthew, I was terribly tempted: when greeting Father Matthew, he did not deign to look or say a word and remained with complete disdain: this outraged me, and I let Father Archpriest Pavel Vasilyevich Trachevsky notice with annoyance how angry Father Matthew was; but for this, ethereal enemies attacked me, entered my church and completely deprived me of peace, joy, freedom, and boldness; I left the church for the prayer service in shame, cramped conditions, embarrassment and barely served the prayer service; I begged the Lord on the way to have mercy on me. Going forward, I must not attack my elder brother with a single word. Father Matthew was calm at my words to the archpriest. I asked the Lord for peace and love between us, if possible. I leave my brother Matthew to God. May the Lord not allow diabolical enmity to be between us. For nine years I served in the gymnasium with God’s constant help, with His incessant mercy towards me, at the same time for sixteen years I served as a priest in the city cathedral, also with God’s incessant help and mercy; For sixteen years I studied with God’s constant help, with His continuous mercy towards me; For nine years the Lord protected me like the apple of my eye, from the time of conception in my mother’s womb until I went to school. - How can I thank my Lord, my Creator, Provider and Savior for all this! Oh my God! May I love You with all my heart, with all my thought, with all my strength. I thank the Lord for the life-giving fire and for the heavenly peace, given to me by the goodness of God through communion of the life-giving Mysteries of the Body and Blood of the Lord and for the removal of sinful deadness and oppression. I thank the Lord for the gift of words, like a fast and pure river, which flowed from my lips in the classrooms of the gymnasium. God the Word Himself spoke through me, unworthy. I thank the Lord for the victory over sin about the name of the Lord in the heart, won in the evening over tea after sleep, when the guest Anna Andreevna drank tea: the grace of the Lord took away the poison of the serpent’s malice and stinginess, drove away despondency and frowning and gave peace and a clear and radiant gaze. God! I thank You with all my heart, for You saved me countless times from dishonor, violence, cruelty, and guilty passions and extinguished the arrows of the evil one that kindled in me and protected my soul with peace and cooled me with the dew of Your grace. Glory to You, Most Merciful and All-Powerful, for until now by Your grace I remain safe and sound, despite the countless treacheries of invisible and all-evil enemies over me, seeking to devour me. We know, Lord, that you have delivered me from all their snares and slander and saved me, in the image of destinies, into Your Heavenly Kingdom, and not just me 129, but also all those who live piously and are slandered from the spirits of evil: for it is Yours to have mercy and save those who want and even those who do not want salvation. Either I want, it is said, or I don’t want, save me 98. Don’t eat wheat crackers: they clog the larynx and strengthen the stomach, and clog the urinary canal. When giving material alms to the poor, I must treat them with kind, affectionate, meek, gentle, instructive words, and not treat them rudely, harshly, or with abuse. Otherwise it is not charity. I thank the Lord, who consoled me with His help during the service of Matins and Liturgy. During the service of Matins, I was tempted by the thought of the new Kiev Missal, which I had acquired in excess. This thought cooled and divided my heart, and I had difficulty speaking the great litany. At the liturgy, too, a coldness washed over my heart. I took communion into the world of spiritual forces: my soul was peaceful and sweet. At home I drank tea with cream: from this in class I felt an unclean irritation or movement that I overcame internally. He served Vespers without stumbling. After Vespers, he was tempted with the poor: he was furious with them, scolding them. I sinned before God through pride, lack of faith, stinginess, covetousness, malice, pride, and insolence. I insulted the Lord Himself, my Benefactor, my Life, my Savior, in the person of the poor. Jesus Christ endured abuse, strangulation, spitting, beatings, and wounds from the lawless Jews. Doesn't He tolerate the same from me? When I scold the poor, in the person of the poor Christ Himself suffers from me. When I buffet a beggar, I buffet Christ Himself. Did you scold anyone? Didn't you listen? – You swore at Christ and strangled and beat Christ Himself. (Good Friday thought.) Behold, these sinners who possess wealth in this age retain their wealth [Russian: And behold, these wicked prosper in this age, increasing their wealth] [Ps. 72, 12]. It is a great sin to hold onto wealth and not give to the poor. I am the first to blame for the fact that of the many salaries and income I receive, I keep some, albeit small, part for myself. For I hold back more than what is needed for daily bread. How many books do I have?! Isn't this also wealth? And I multiply them. I thank the Lord with all my heart, for he had mercy on me in my prayer of repentance, resolving the bonds of sin that bound me, and the sorrow with oppression and shame that befell me for my harshness and abuse of the poor, for my lust, greed, lack of faith, lack of hope and love. Glory to Your long-suffering, O Lord! Glory to Your infinite mercy! Matins. Today the enemy cruelly laughed at me during Matins, arousing in me anger and extreme grief at the watchman Nikolai, who lit the stove in the altar during Matins and put only half of the wood on top (the other was sticking out) a huge log that was smoking. When I remarked why he put such a log, he said that it would not be the first time he would light the stove, and did not want to admit that he was doing something wrong. This excited me, and I could not serve out of embarrassment; I barely finished matins. I was more outraged by his rude answer. But may the Lord forgive him - he doesn’t know what he’s doing; and may he forgive me, although I am more sinful than he, for I stood up for something that was not my own. I should not have left the throne, but stood by it relentlessly, and the enemy, who was trying in every possible way to catch me, would not have caught me. That's how my flesh got mad, or confused! This is how strong the enemy is still within me, who with one movement has disturbed my entire being! This is what it means to be addicted to one’s flesh, to cherish it, to indulge in cream, to be satiated! In the future I will not be indignant at any appearances, may the Lord help me! I will remain calm and complacent! In fact, isn’t it reckless if, because of my neighbor’s faults, because of his disorder, I too am faulty, I too will be in disorder—indignant and unable to do my job? However, I am doing the job. Let there be no such recklessness in future for me, gifted with reason. If my brother is faulty, at least I will be calm and correct, so that because of my indignation and anger there won’t be two faulty ones at once. The tendency towards rage and anger must be eradicated in every possible way; Yesterday I was furious with the beggars, and today I was furious with the beggar whose shirt was stolen in the bathhouse. I don’t need to eat meat (like yesterday’s brains): it produces seeds and is extremely burdensome, and therefore irritates me. I'm sick, that's why I'm very irritable. How can I be healed now? I'm all upset. The watchman’s fault was not great for me to be so upset about it - it’s my whim, my waywardness, as I once did regarding the placement of incense in the censer by the watchman: he was all indignant, as if at some important offense, or because of vestments he was indignant at the archpriest. I must be careful not to eat too much cream: it creates tightness in my sides due to the abundance of vital seed, or, better yet, it strengthens my stomach and thus produces a very difficult condition. I thank my Lord with all my heart, who has done in me wondrous deeds of His mercy, His power, for, having been killed by sin, struck by sorrow, oppression, smoldering soul and body with fire, He revived, pacified, expanded, enlightened, and freed. Oh, what happened to me during Matins and after it! I couldn’t find a place for myself either in church or at home! And after communion, I completely changed: I became peaceful, free, light, joyful. I thank the Lord for the gift of speech in teaching fifth and second grade high school students: I spoke boldly, smartly, and coherently. Every day the devil tries to settle in us in every way and, having settled in, girds us, like with a belt, with malice, hatred, irritability, envy, fornication or despondency, melancholy, fear and apprehension, doubt, weakness and mental distress (to the point that a person cannot utter a word), or greed for food and drink, love of money, stinginess or pity (to the point that a person trembles because of a sweet piece given to his neighbor, or because of a few kopecks or rubles that a needy person asks us for). Matins. At Matins there were Fathers Paul and Matthew: early masses. At first I served Matins in embarrassment, for fear of the enemy (from the incorporeal enemy), I could not pronounce the emperor and empress at the two litanies (midnight office and matins); the royal house spoke with difficulty at the Great Litany; He did not fully pronounce the Most Holy One - he was confused from embarrassment and fear; he read the canon himself boldly and smartly; at two small litanies I could not pronounce the Most Holy One out of devilish embarrassment and fear; on the last one he said everything clearly; at the petitionary litany of Christian death he did not utter (the entire exclamation); The Most Holy Most Pure One too. The stichera on the poem were sung very hastily; I spoke the extreme litany poorly: my heart, weakened by fear and stupid fear from the enemy, did not allow me to utter many exclamations. The presence of the altar watchman Nikolai, who irritated me yesterday, embarrassed me. You don't have to have a heart for anyone, but be happy with everyone. Christ, the true Light, also could not pronounce: the enemy girded his heart with fear. The pressing influence of the archpriest hurrying. And he barely mumbles. These are my weaknesses and my sins! God! I plunge into the abyss of Your mercy and Your power: have mercy on me and strengthen me with Your grace and bring us all to peace, abolishing all enmity. It is necessary to strengthen the hearts with grace, and not with foods from which those who engage in them did not benefit [Heb. 13, 9]. Liturgy. I thank You, Lord my God, for even today You have vouchsafed me the bliss of Your communion in Your most pure and life-giving Mysteries. Glory, glory, glory to Your immeasurable compassion towards me, unworthy, and to all Your people. There were many temptations, the evil machinations of the adversary, but after drinking Your Gifts, Your Divine Blood drowned all the machinations of the enemy, washed away all my sins. All-night vigil in the Duma Church. I thank the Lord for the indescribable gift of mercy to me, a sinner, for he received from me repentance for the sin of angry indignation at the beggar and grumbling at the multitude of poor people demanding alms from me, although the Lord generously sends to me, the unworthy, not according to my merits. I thank the Lord for the gift of tearful tenderness during the all-night vigil and for the sincere, pure, most peaceful, sweet prayer for myself and for all people. Oh, how exalted my spirit was when I stood at the throne, or burned incense at the icons, or stood at the Gospel! How grateful my spirit was to the Lord, who honored us beyond measure with His incarnation and gave us His Most Pure Mother as a shield and fence, as a wall and intercession, and who deified us. After the all-night vigil at the gate of the house, he sinned extremely, becoming angry with the small beggars who persistently asked for alms the way they wanted, especially little Alexey. Why not give it when the Lord freely sent me a good reward, not according to my merits, for small and useful labors for myself during the week! Yes, I even took 50 kopecks from the prayer service for the cab driver! I sinned before God, before people and before myself! Have mercy and forgive and remember not, O Lord, my sin and heal the wounds and confusion of my soul. Eight and a half o'clock in the evening. During divine services we often remember our Most Holy Lady Theotokos to remind us that we constitute a spiritual Kingdom, in which the Master and Lord Jesus Christ, and the Queen and Lady are His Mother, that we are one spiritual body or building, of which Christ is the Head and foundation and of which the Most Holy Theotokos is the Head. The worship services of our Church briefly and clearly depict the main destinies of the world and man, which every Christian must remember. Thou hast endured the hammering of nails, the Savior, that thou mightest tear away the nails of passions and worldly addictions from my soul, which, like nails, were planted by Belial in my soul. We often remember the Lady Theotokos and call us Our Lady in order to remind Christians more often of Her constant closeness to us, care for us, intercession of us from enemies and intercession before God, of Her constant Motherly prayer for us and so that we try to be worthy of Her sovereignty, honor Her as true slaves and live as befits the slaves of such a Queen - the Most Holy, Most Pure, Most Blessed and Glorious, so that they do not work for sin. Called at nine and a half o'clock in the evening to Pyotr Sidorov, who was maddened by drunkenness and drunkenness, I myself, damned, was caught in the love of money and the movement of contemplation and fornication, although involuntarily, and only through prayer I barely drove away the demon of voluptuousness and love of money. While distributing alms to the beggars, the last one standing at the gate was also captivated by the love of money and stinginess, and to top it off, by wild rage against the poor children. At the proskomedia, the entire Church, heavenly and earthly, the Church of the firstborn, written in heaven, is figuratively presented gathered around the Lamb who takes away the sins of the world [Heb. 12, 23], and the Church, warring against the enemies of salvation on earth. The spectacle is majestic, admiring and touching the soul! How! And I am in this company of saints, and I am the redeemer of the Lamb of God, and I am a joint heir with the saints, if I remain faithful to the Lamb until death! How! And all my neighbors are members of this heavenly, holy society and joint heirs of the future Kingdom! Oh, how my heart must expand to accommodate everyone, to love everyone, to care for everyone, to care about the salvation of everyone as if it were my own! Behold, wisdom and wisdom! Let us forgive, let us walk in simplicity of heart with everyone! Let us remember our high calling and election, and let us strive steadily for the honor of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus [Phil. 3, 14 ]! We are children of God and heirs of God, joint heirs with Christ. Mass. Two things extremely (embarrassed) me: yesterday’s gluttony and satiation with homemade carrot pie and a snack with tea at Nick’s. Mikhailovich Semenov after the all-night vigil (caviar, salmon, sardine, sherry) and giving the sexton a special fee for the prayer service at customs today at the prayer service. Because of the last circumstance, I was upset and, due to my internal ill health, I barely calmed down partly during mass. The voice is weak, trembling, the nerves are extremely weak and painful. At the prayer service, while reading the Gospel, I was embarrassed, doubtful, confused, could not read the Gospel at the thought that I would not be in time for private prayer services and to the gymnasium. Change of weather - west to north wind. Early from the Provorovs. I thank the Lord, who has shown me indescribable mercy through the communion of His Holy, immortal and life-giving Mysteries: He has taken away deadness and oppression with burden and confusion from my heart and revived me with the fire of His Divine Spirit, protecting me with peace and freedom and rewarding me according to His sole mercy. And the deadness and burden came from eating meat cutlets in the evening and from the birthday dinner at the head of M.O. Britnev, where he ate meat and drank wine. Eating and drinking excessively weakens the soul and body and brings about deadness. Oh, how my days disappear in vanity [Ps. 77, 33 ]! But now, for example, why did I drink coffee and a roll after mass? There was no need to eat or drink. Forgive me, Lord! Why were you annoyed with the servants for letting smoke into the rooms? Maybe it didn’t depend on them. I will not forgive myself for the fact that after the liturgy and after communion of the Divine Mysteries, I drank two glasses of coffee at home in the morning unnecessarily and, moreover, also had a snack, also unnecessarily. After the Divine Brush and Drink, I did not need to eat or drink anything until three or four o'clock. I suffered enough for my greed: I was cramped and sad until four o’clock in the evening, until dinner; I felt very awkward in class. I won’t forgive myself for the fact that in the evening, while going to the bathhouse, I was furious with the poor boys who importunately or persistently approached me demanding the kind of food they wanted, but I only wanted to give them the 10 kopecks that I had, no more (although, apparently, they were not asking for a need, but in fact for a delicacy). I shouted at them and patted one of them, Alexey (small). I sinned before God, and before people, and before myself, by not maintaining meekness, gentleness, patience, impartiality, and allowed myself to be overcome by anger, malice, impatience, voluptuousness, and love of money! Accept, O most gracious Lord, my sincere repentance! Well, why am I angry at some young beggars who often come up to me? If I don’t want to serve it, then don’t give it to me; if I have a desire to give, well, give without getting angry; the receiver is unworthy - a sloth, a parasite, but is the giver worthy, isn’t he himself a parasite, isn’t he greedy, isn’t he so fed up every day that he relaxes both in spirit and body and neglects his duties - careful and diligent management of the matter? Isn’t he devoted to luxury in an apartment setting, in clothes, so that rich furniture, worth tens and hundreds of rubles, stands, only taking up space and at times feeding the vanity of the owner and guests, and dozens of changes of clothes lie or hang, burdening closets and hangers, and in many other things? Therefore, isn’t it better to treat the poor leniently and not judge them harshly, not scold them bitterly, so that He who looks down from heaven on everyone and all our deeds and has the power to judge the whole universe righteously will be lenient and merciful to us? 7, 3 – 4 ]! How true this is! I am the first to sin against the Gospel of Christ, against the love commanded therein by my Lord. God loves a cheerful giver (2 Cor. 9:7)! And I often give alms reluctantly, with annoyance, out of necessity, I get irritated, seething with anger, indignation, malice! It would be better sometimes not to submit! How do I forget the most precious words of my Savior and Judge: just as you did it to one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did it to me [Matt. 25, 40 ]! Or the words of the Judge: Vengeance is Mine, I will repay, says the Lord [Rom. 12, 19 ]! Or: why are you persecuting Me?.. [Acts. 9, 4]. A little with love is good, and a lot, but without love, with annoyance, with grumbling, is not good. Good deeds should be an expression of love. Good deeds without love are a body without a soul. Grant me, Lord, to love and warm Your poor as You love, warm, nourish and strengthen me. May I not regret giving tuna to Your poor, received from Your goodness and Your bounties, in the hope of new and countless Your bounties. Sin in itself is fire, therefore we say that such and such is inflamed by anger, or carnal love, or envy. So, sin itself carries fiery condemnation. What kind of fire will this be in sinners when, due to unrepentance, the goodness of God completely leaves them; what will this [fire] be like outside sinners - since, undoubtedly, there will be a lake of fire, and a fiery cave, or a fiery Gehenna, or a fiery wild! All this is essential, true. But we, insensitive, are not afraid, we do not tremble, we spend our lives in pleasures, we are cold towards the Church, we do not fulfill our Christian duties, we become rigid in our sins! Woe to us! In the event that any divine service is stopped by a priest or from someone else, this is reported to the diocesan authorities, and every clergyman must know and remember this in order to avoid any interruptions. (November 10, 1871) In honor and glory of the Holy Trinity, one must firmly pronounce prayers or exclamations addressed to the Trinity or to people with goodwill and asking for benefits from the Holy Trinity. Irritation reigns in my body, as well as in my soul, as a result of eating meat food and a bath yesterday, and today - as a result of eating fish soup with indigenous fish, vendace with horseradish and mustard, and pike cutlets with cabbage sauce. I need to eat very little and extremely fresh, plant-based food, and maybe just soup made from good meat. Oh, scrofula! Scrofula! The enemy boasts and laughs that he is doing dirty tricks on me during public prayer! God! Ban him. God! Forgive me my secret murmur against You, the All-Bountiful and Greatly Gifted God - against the many beggars who demand alms from me. My spirit and body are weakening more and more due to overeating and overdrinking. Our priestly and ecclesiastical work is to repeat the same prayers, starting with the Lord’s Prayer, just as the work of everyone in general is to fulfill the same commandments of the moral law, for it is not by the difference of prayers that the soul is strengthened, but by repeating and carrying them into our thoughts, into our hearts and into our will, or into activity, throughout our entire life. One specific commandment was given to people by Eve and Adam so that by fulfilling this one commandment, and an easy one at that, people could acquire the skill to fulfill the will of God, the fulfillment of which consists of all the well-being of creatures, and could be confirmed in love for God. Paying attention to the opposite - to the failure to fulfill the will of the Creator and the fulfillment of our own will, contrary to the Creator, we notice that man little by little acquires the habit of doing evil and perverts his high nature, created in the image of God and in the likeness, and becomes the enemy of God. So important is the fulfillment of God’s commandments, and so destructive is failure to do so! Giving a specific commandment to the first people about not eating the fruit of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil [Gen. 2, 17], the Lord God Himself appeared as the Guardian of the newly created intelligent creature, His children by adoption. Who is to blame that this nurturing was rejected and man wanted to better manage himself! So until now, with all the successes in the sciences and arts, with all the treasures of human wisdom, ancient and new, man cannot educate himself, because he rejected God’s guidance at the beginning, for tell me, who else, if not God, should be our mentor [in everything]? the Gospel and the teachings of the Church, submitting to its leadership. Here's a useful note for you, all modern teachers! We have a lot of science, but little work comes out: our young men have a lot in their heads, but little in their hearts, little, but often, alas! - there is nothing! Life does not correspond to education and science. But if... I know all mysteries, and have all knowledge... but do not have love, it does me no good (1 Cor. 13:2-3). Great and powerful were the holy apostles of Christ: according to the power given to them from the Lord, they stepped on the serpent and the scorpion and all the power of the enemy, and it could not harm them in the least [Lk. 10, 19]. Why was such great power given to them? Because they left all earthly goods, denied themselves, took up their cross and followed Christ [Mk. 8, 34]. Why aren't we given such power? - According to our addiction to the temporary, and addiction itself is the fruit of pride. How does the enemy defeat us every day, if not by our passions? Why is he laughing at us? Because we are slaves of the womb, slaves of sweets, self-interest, earthly glory. Blessed is he who despises earthly goods and his very flesh: he enjoys the divine world. The sting of earthly addictions acts in our hearts through the womb, which is located in the immediate vicinity of the heart: here is the sting of sweets, or sweet-eating and sweet drinking, and the sting of fornication, and the sting of self-interest, and the sting of clothing, and the sting of malice, envy, pride, the sting of fear and timidity, the sting of cowardice and despair. To get rid of these demonic stings, one must enslave the belly, like the holy Forerunner of the Lord John, like all the great saints of God, for the root of all evil is in the belly, in intemperance and indulgence. It was not in vain that the Lord fasted for forty days: He showed us an example of fasting. November 11, 1871. Thursday. There are people who are stagnant in fear, cowardice and silence, when they should be bold, courageous and speak the truth without blushing; they must overcome natural timidity or inherited timidity from dishonest upbringing, especially if they occupy a place in church or civil society in which they are obliged to boldly give their voice. I sinned before God and before my neighbors, unable to withstand the contradiction of brother Alexei K., when I asked him to put the samovar in the dining room, and cursed him with a club, a blockhead, and, it seems, a brute. And he said: this is who I am. Afterwards I repented before God and asked my brother for forgiveness. He is kind and simple, or direct: he says directly what he thinks and feels, although, to tell the truth, he often lies a lot and loves to lie. Early liturgy of the Kalmykovs in the Duma Assumption Church. I thank the Lord, who strengthened me with His grace to perform the Divine Liturgy without stumbling and to partake without condemnation of the life-giving, most heavenly and most holy Mysteries, the Divine Body and Blood, into the peace of my spiritual strength and into spiritual freedom, especially after consuming the Holy Gifts. During the prayer behind the pulpit, I stumbled from the violence and embarrassment of the enemy. The ethereal enemy fights vigilantly; my inner path is narrow. But the Lord does not leave me and will not forsake me. During the funeral service, the fear of the enemy attacked me, and I again hesitated and did not say all the words. In Yakovleva’s boarding house, through the action of the enemy, he corrupted his thoughts and was wounded by an enemy’s arrow when he looked at one girl, but involuntarily, and not by will. He looked up to the Lord in repentance and was healed. In the gymnasium, the enemy again stung me with grief, sorrow and anger at Father Pavel Lamanov, allegedly for his contempt in treating me, for giving me not a hand, but a finger, the end of a finger, when I greeted him. I couldn’t bear it - I called him aside and explained my grief to him. He was surprised that such a thought occurred to me, and swore that it was not in his thoughts to treat me contemptuously. This is how the enemy slanderes our brother and confuses us! Oh, evil accuser! Father Paul said: why did I look slyly at his conversion?.. Lord! Destroy the machinations of the enemy in us, for they are many and evil! Oh, if only we would pay attention to the consequences of our sins or our good deeds! How careful we would be then, avoiding sin, and how zealous we would be for good! For we would then clearly see that every sin, not eradicated in time, strengthened by habit, takes deep roots in a person’s heart and sometimes confuses, wounds, torments him to death, awakening, so to speak, and coming to life in him on any occasion reminiscent of the sin he once committed, and thus desecrating his thoughts, feelings and conscience! Clouds of tears are needed to wash away the old dirt of sin! She is so sticky and caustic! On the contrary, every good deed that has ever been done sincerely, unselfishly or by repetition has turned into a habit, pleases our heart, constitutes the joy of our life in the knowledge that we have not entirely lived our lives in vain, full of sins, that we are like people and not like animals, that we are also created in the image of God and that there is a spark of God’s highest light and love in us, that although some good deeds will be a counterweight to our bad deeds in the scales of God's unwashed truth. How, therefore, often one who has corrupted his virginity blushes at the memory of the loss of chastity and is involuntarily indignant with unclean thoughts at the sight of an object that reminds him of his shameful deeds! But how pleasant it is for a charitable person to remember good deeds unselfishly done, solely out of love for his neighbor. They console his conscience throughout his life, although he does not boast about them, but considers them a due tribute to humanity, of which he is a small member. Learn to be kind to everyone as to yourself, and to consider the good of your neighbor as your own (as your own). It is impossible to express how many benefits the faith of Christ brings me: despite my constant inclination towards sins and passions, disturbance of the spirit, through the faith of Christ I constantly get rid of passionate disturbances and from passions themselves, from the torment of sinful wounds, I receive peace, light, freedom. Do not look at the sins of others and do not be hostile to the sinner, either internally or externally, but present your sins before you and diligently repent of them, considering yourself truly worse than everyone else; pray with love for those who sin, knowing that we are all prone to every sin. Either the fire of malice and contempt will ignite the adversary in you, then lust and lust, then love of money or greed, then envy, then evil resistance and disobedience to power and contempt for it or indignation at it - and this is often even during worship, when you are not serving, but stand and relax for a minute and leave prayer. How Belial rages at us! How our flesh rages! How we must be sober and always watch over our hearts! Sunday early mass. I thank the Lord, who saved me with His ineffable mercy from the many and fierce temptations of the enemy and who granted me complete forgiveness of sins with peace, space and spiritual joy. I omitted forgiveness after the all-night vigil for fear of the enemy’s machinations: for this I suffered internally; I begged the Lord for a long time to forgive me for this omission; Finally the Lord had mercy. At the great entrance, out of fear and violence from the enemy, he did not say the names of the empress, heir and heiress... and the entire royal house: the enemy stopped short and cut him off. I could not read the prayer behind the pulpit - I was embarrassed and crumpled, also from the action of the enemy; At the end of the prayer service, the enemy paralyzed the heart while reading the prayer of the Mother of God before Her Iveron icon. Lord, have mercy and protect me from my rival [Lk. 18, 3 ]! Wake up! Wake up! May he not rejoice over me, may he himself suffer the most severe plagues from Your fiery rod! The anger is completely removed from my heart! At the prayer service with Ivan Ivanovich, Dipner could not pronounce many expressions: as if there was something oppressive and confusing the soul in the air itself. Why am I shy away from strangers, noble and rich?.. The same people, and even weaker. At the christening of the peasant Semenov, he pronounced the prayers with extreme difficulty, and when reading the water-blessing prayer, before the end, he was decidedly embarrassed and speechless at the thought, the mere thought of money... He stood for half a minute and knelt down... began to read. God! What a satanic temptation! What rage! Power! Why? - From my satiety. After early mass and the consumption of a considerable quantity of the Gifts of the Saints, I drank tea at home with a buttery pretzel; then at Dipner's; then I ate a pie and a drink, a glass of wine after the prayer service in Khalitov’s house on the Goat Swamp; then I ate a piece of bread with caviar from Philip Stepanov; then at home I had a hearty lunch of soup, roast, special, loaf of bread with horn wine. I was probably stiff, and this caused severe irritation to my nerves... I sinned by overeating and drinking. Although he was not drunk. The ethereal enemy constantly whispers false thoughts regarding people, such as regarding Father Pavel Lamanov in the gymnasium at the council on Saturday, or regarding strangers inviting them to serve a prayer service for the third time, especially regarding rich, noble and learned people, instilling in them some kind of vain fear or bad opinion that they are cold and indifferent to the faith (would cold and indifferent people call a priest to a prayer service?) or freethinkers (should a priest be afraid of such people, let alone be brave?), and instilling in me the low opinion that I am thin, weak-hearted, sinful, and little experienced in the world! Why do I forget that if I am a priest, then I am high in rank and in spirit itself, sanctified and enlightened by God and long-term teaching, and strong in grace and great in the mercy of God! Why do I forget that the intelligentsia of an enlightened spiritual person is higher, purer than any intelligentsia, according to the word of the Lord Jesus Christ: I will give you a mouth and wisdom [Lk. 21:15], or according to the word of the Apostle: we have the mind of Christ (1 Cor. 2:16)! We must elevate our rank through dignity, cheerfulness, rational conversation, simplicity, kindness, meekness, fidelity, purity and constancy in dealing with others. General Mikhail Alexandrovich [V...] served the all-night vigil yesterday and at two litanies - the great and the suppliant, he could not pronounce, due to demonic opposition, praise of the Mother of God and the Christian death... and a good answer, and then he became furious with the enemy and with the help of God he spoke well, and with the help of the holy martyrs Guria, Samon and Aviv, for whom the all-night vigil was held. I drank tea at [V...] and ate a bun with cheese and butter, tea with cream and raspberry jam. I ate and drank with great pleasure. So at first they were afraid of something, but it turned out that the enemy was instilling empty dreams and fears... From yesterday’s delicacy and eating veal at home (and I rarely eat meat), today an extreme lustful rage of the flesh occurred at the sight of naked parts. Here's veal, sweet tea, cheese, etc. You have to fast and fast... mortify your passions. Again today I committed madness - I greedily ate fried fish with black bread and burdened myself, and therefore I could not properly serve the memorial service for the blessed baby Nikolai at Polyakov. The heart is prodigal from the sweets that war in my souls! I am unclean: Lord, cleanse and have mercy on me. At home he accidentally insulted his wife! God! reconcile and unite! Networks everywhere! Set, O Lord, a guard over my mouth and a door of protection over my mouth [Ps. 140, 3]. At the funeral service for Polyakov and Komarova (Lyubov Al.) for Mikhail, due to the enemy’s embarrassment, I could not pronounce some words out of the exclamation and could not say goodbye. This is because I did not satisfy the requests of some beggars. Do not scold the devil: he takes revenge - however, by God’s permission, not on his own. From the 17th to the 18th of November (the change of weather from thaw to cold, from no snow to heavy snow) my head ached extremely (maybe as a result of the change from lean food to fast food, the scrofula was dissipating) to the point that it seemed like it was going to burst, especially in the gymnasium at the council and when I went out to the latrine; Having arrived home, I felt sick with feverish trembling and headache; ate jelly. I smoked cigars, wondering if it would be better: I warmed up a little; I could not pray standing - I was so weak and sick; sitting, he prayed to himself and read the canon to the holy apostles and St. Nicholas the Wonderworker while sitting to himself (in himself); a skufia was worn on the head for warmth; I went to bed under two blankets and it wasn’t hot; after the first awakening, my breathing was heavy; then it became easier, easier, and my illness passed away with sleep by the grace of God (last night before that I slept little). Again the merciful Giver of Life brought me back to life! Morning. Why am I irritated by the beggars who follow me? Why don’t I feel sorry for them? Why do I spare dust for them, that is, money with which they can at least somewhat support themselves by buying bread? Why do I become discouraged and cry at society and at my rich brethren, because they are insensitive to the poor and do not want to help them? Begin to act, with the help of God, together with the elder - to establish church guardianship on a large scale, which would also take care of the needs of the church and church house (about choristers, about repairing the church, about utensils, about poor parishioners, about arranging for them a work house and workshops - bookbinding, shoemaking, carpentry and others), about finding places for them to work and other things, about training the poor boys literacy and crafts, etc. Remember that the grace of God in your heart is your treasure, not money, not food and drink, not clothes, not distinctions. Crucify your greedy, multi-passionate flesh and die to the world, coming to life for God. I have sinned before God - I have now violated His entire law by my impudent and furious treatment of the beggars who came up to me in the market to ask for money for boots: with a cry of displeasure I gave 30 kopecks for boots, and I angrily refused the other and, calling him a tramp, ordered the soldiers to take him away from me. The reason for this is my extreme pride, lust, pride, covetousness, lack of faith and trust in God. How foolish I am, hitherto not indifferent to earthly acquisitions, the impermanence of which I know well, as well as the fatality of addiction to them! How have I not yet learned to see my God in the face of the beggar, Christ, and to give alms with joy and willingness, whenever and wherever it happens. Otherwise, today I endowed a person with forty two-kopeck coins and I think that today my sacrifice should be limited to this. Why such a calculation? Have mercy when God commands and sends a favorable opportunity, and not when you want and as you want, but as God pleases. If a poor man asks for clothes, give him clothes; if he asks for a place to sleep, give him a place to sleep; for a saw or an ax, give him a saw and an ax. Remember that you receive everything from God, don’t give, and don’t love money. Fear the example of Judas the traitor. And now we betray the Lord for pieces of silver in the presence of our neighbors, His members. Remember what a cruel war the adversary wages against us because of our addiction to money and earthly things in general, how he seeks to entangle us in his networks, how through this addiction he lures us into anger, hard-heartedness, luxury, gluttony, how he cools us towards God and our neighbors, and be indifferent to earthly things, hoping in God. Put aside the temporary, seek the eternal. Despise sweets, money, glorious clothing, honors and glory of the world, beauty or celebrity of the family, wealth; Look at everyone equally impartially, with due respect for the personality of the person, no matter who he is. Who are you, judging another man's slave? Before his Lord he stands or falls [Rom. 14, 4]. Reading the newspapers, this secular vinaigrette, I did not even notice that my soul was scattered and fed on worldly news, just as the Athenians once practiced nothing else, except... to hear something new [Acts. 17:21], and not noticing how I was moving more and more away from the Gospel and the holy books in general, how my soul was weakening and emptying, not strengthened by the incorruptible food of the word of God, not enriched by the lofty thoughts and feelings that the word of God inspires. Alas! What a waste it is to read only newspapers and not read the words of God! I can imagine what a futility it is to visit the theater, or the spectacle of worldly vanity!.. It is impossible to work for God and the world. Do not love the world, nor the things in the world... all that is in the world is lust (1 John 2:15-16)... From now on, let me read the Old and New Testaments without delay. What do you care about people, that you fear them, that you worship them? - Reprove them mercilessly. There is certainly an appeal in the Kronstadt Bulletin to everyone to take care of the Kronstadt beggars with united forces. In the Church, the accursed one does not allow the Lord God Himself and His saints to be glorified; at funeral services - pray for the departed, but you conquer him in the name of the Lord, imputing his vain fears into nothing. Be strong and take courage, like a martyr, without following the suspiciousness inspired by your adversary. May the Lord cast all our sins into the depths of the sea, for the depths of His mercy are deep. The cross is our hope and salvation: all our sins are nailed to it. Let the adversary, struck by the cross, be put to shame. If the Lord forgives many of my sins, then He will forgive others, only with love, let us all pray for each other, as for ourselves, without coldness and guile. My soul has never been so sad and weak, fearful and cowardly as on November 20, starting in the morning, when my hat was lost for some time in Nebolzina’s (Komarovskaya’s) apartment, while I had to serve a litany for the deceased. My God! How I lost heart from regret over the loss! I could not speak - the enemy had so confused my soul. And I was still weary in spirit until I reached the gate; There were two litias at the Cathedral and at the Vladimir Church, and at them only the last words of the exclamation were spoken. And what a mass it was! What inner humiliation, fear, melancholy, sorrow, cramped conditions, darkness, spiritual powerlessness, and, moreover, weakness of voice: hellish trouble, and that’s all! Only with the communion of the Holy Mysteries did I come to life, became encouraged, and calmed down. Yes, Belial made fun of me, with the permission of the all-good and all-wise God, to his heart’s content. The deceased lived in a civil marriage. Oh, if death were at work in us, and life in those for whom we, shepherds, pray, 100 if the enemy would thus himself destroy his work! Before the all-night vigil, he was tempted - he became angry with the poor children for begging, instead of feeling sorry for them and adding what they asked for willingly and with love. For this, I again suffered bitterly in soul: I was attacked by spiritual grief, oppression, shame, and fear, from which for a long time I could not get rid of any prayer. Oh, how morally harmful the habit of being irritated and angry affects me! It produces loss of spirit, fear, deprives one of boldness before God and people, closes the heart to sublime thoughts and feelings, love for God and neighbors. This is moral suicide, moral death, just like the moral suicide of gluttony, love of money, lust, pride, envy, hatred, despondency, laziness and other grave sins! I am touched by the spirit of holy love for all humanity, moving in all the prayers, supplications, petitions, thanksgivings, hymns and readings during the services of our Orthodox Church! Oh, what a priest should be, the organ of this Divine, heavenly Mother on earth, who with such love incessantly cares for all her children, from the king to the peasant, from the sacred government Council to the lowest clergy of the church, and not only about her own children, but also about the whole world! What a shepherd should be filled with love for everyone, this child of the Church, whom she has clothed with the grace of the priesthood and brought so close to the throne of God, as her own, as a friend of God, whom she honored, endowed with great spiritual gifts and advantages, crowned with glory and honor, as a bridegroom of the church, as a servant of Christ the King, God and Savior and Shepherd of souls! How far away all passions should be from him: partiality, pride, sensual carnal love, pride, enmity, envy and ill will, lust, carnal impurity, gluttony, covetousness, laziness, despondency, murmuring and other passions! He must be completely imbued with and filled with Divine love for everyone and his main concern should be to stand before the throne of God without sin and raise reverend hands for all people, and to save, sooner and later, the souls entrusted to him, redeemed by the priceless Blood of Christ. And who is [satisfied with 101]? May the Lord Himself give this to us, according to the abundance of His goodness, for we are cold, and self-loving, and hostile, and money-loving, and lust-loving, and sad, and fearful, and murmuring, and lazy! To draw up, with God's help, a project of church care for the church and the parish poor, for the cleanliness and tidiness of their homes, for keeping babies clean, for the cleanliness of basements and the air in them, for those infected with laziness and drunkenness. Society will probably not reject the service offered to it by the founders of the trusteeship, because the society itself has taken upon itself the burden of several thousand burghers assigned to it; about finding work; about teaching literacy and crafts to beggar boys. Who is not tired of the Kronstadt beggars?.. But this evil can be gotten rid of with the friendly assistance of society and church guardianship. Voluptuary! What will you apply your love to after your death, when you will have no pleasures, and their place will be taken by the bitterness of deprivation? What will your imperishable soul be nourished by? Sweets are incompatible with her. Silver lover! What will you apply the love of your heart to when with death the possession and enjoyment of your money and various treasures will cease? The soul, a spiritual being, then will not need these treasures; they will be disgusting to her, like poison, like rust and aphids, which smoldered during her life and removed her from God, depriving her of the imperishable treasure - God. A majestic ambitious man who sought distinctions and honors and loved them more than anything in the world! What will you apply your love to when death strips you of all your distinctions and shows you in all your nakedness and ugliness? What then will be the food and life of the incorruptible spirit, which has withdrawn from God for the sake of the vain honors of this world, idolizing itself like idolaters? So is a man subject to passions vain: he does not know what he is doing, what deprivation he is preparing for himself, what torment for his insane passions, for the fact that, having been honored with the image of God, the title [of the face] of God, the friend of God, the heir of the Heavenly Kingdom, the joint heir of Christ, he venerated himself with beasts that are senseless in their senselessness and became like them in greed, in lust. fury, anger, envy! Therefore, be afraid to cling to anything earthly. Is theater, they ask, useful for a Christian? And I ask: does what is presented at the theater exist in the future life? - No. Does it teach moral living? - No. Therefore, it is useless and harmful, because it directly removes one from God. Be afraid of even one evil, or proud, or prodigal thought, because the enemy often enters with fury and speed and through one thought. Hasten from this corruptible life to the imperishable and everlasting 102. Yesterday during the all-night vigil everything went well and gracefully for me, but in the end the enemy cruelly stung me with doubt and fear when proclaiming the prayer to Christ, the True Light, and I, in confusion and spiritual impotence, could not pronounce it, concluding it with the words: forever and ever, which is not in it. As soon as I prayed, I spewed out the devil’s poison. Just stabbed him. Today, at a prayer service in Sidorov’s shop, Nikolai Grigorievich also cut me, embarrassed me, and instilled fear in my soul throughout the prayer service; I couldn’t utter some words out of sheer fear... Human-pleasing and servility! We must fear God alone - but why should we be afraid of mortal and sinful and weak people?.. Put God in the place of people in your heart, otherwise we have people in it instead of God, and that is why there is fear and confusion. Idols in the heart instead of the fear of God are human fears from lack of faith. Place your mind on heaven when you pray, and nothing will disturb you. And even during prayer our thoughts and hearts crawl on the ground. How many times has addiction to sweets and money been the cause of my embarrassment, anger towards others, enmity, cursing, loss of God’s grace and spiritual death? How can I, a priest, not learn to be indifferent to sweets and money and to despise them?.. Where is Christianity?.. I thank the Lord with all my heart (as it is worthy and righteous) for performing the liturgy, although in mental and physical weakness, but without stumbling, except for some words, and for the uncondemned communion of His Divine Mysteries. The elder deprived us of fresh air in the church by not installing windows in the altar, in the church. And the people, of whom there were a thousand or more, breathed all the air; it was extremely difficult to serve. I sinned before God and people - in the evening I severely pulled out the hair of one beggar who was following me down the street and asking for money for pants; he was driven by need, and I, imagining that he was following me on a whim, was still offended by him for bothering me on the road when I was hastily going to the service, while I had to wait forty minutes for the service to be performed and sit uselessly where the service was to be performed (at Polyakov’s). I have up to fifteen whole, durable pants, but I didn’t want to give a beggar a few kopecks for one pair of pants. G is decided, irresponsible before God. Be quick to anger! Matins. He served with difficulty: lack of fresh air in the cathedral; from yesterday's stale, rotten air, the thoracic nerves and organs were extremely weakened: they could hardly speak. And white bread (lenten pie and rolls) produced increased scrofula and weakness of the respiratory organs. However, with God’s help, he served without stumbling. It’s terrible how the devil turns the heart of a glutton and a glutton! Near death there is often a glutton. Mass January 3, 1872 May nothing soothe my weakness from worldly beauties. At the funeral service, Mikhailov’s heart weakened from looking at female beauty. But the Lord accepted repentance and healed the heart ulcer; carried [in force] the above words. Truly, all worldly beauty is weakness to the heart: faces, clothes, gold, silver, furniture, etc. Look and cleave to the one beauty of God. On the 22nd to 23rd, I did a great disgrace by drinking a lot of tea at night, and even with Sauternes, and eating white sieve bread unnecessarily, when nature did not require it and there was no appetite or feeling of hunger, but I felt full. I have sinned before God! He also sinned in that he did not satisfy the beggars and in anger pulled one away from him by the hair, and tore off the ears of another (a boy). I thank the Lord, who took away the weakness and deadness of soul and body during the liturgy and gave me the most peaceful, sweet life of the Holy Spirit after communion of the Life-giving Mysteries, spiritual freedom. How good it was for me with God in church, in class, and on the street! What cheerfulness, lightness, boldness! Brother Alexey bought Sauternes, but I will no longer drink such expensive wine from him: these are the tears of the beggars, the robbery of the beggars - the excess should be given to the beggars! I have sinned before You, Lord! Before selflessness, you must give to the poor and not be irritated with them! Their need drives them to us, not a whim. Headman! If you want me to present to everyone a regiment of poor townspeople, supply them. Imagery, or symbolism, is the need of human nature in our present, spiritual-sensual state: it clearly explains to us very much from the spiritual world, which we could not know without images and symbols. Hence the Divine Teacher, the Hypostatic Wisdom, who created everything, the Son of God, our Lord Jesus Christ often taught people in images or parables, hence in our Orthodox church it is customary to present many things to the gaze of Christians figuratively, for example, the Lord Himself in the icon, the Most Pure Mother of God, the Angels and all the saints, so that we depict our life, imagine all our thoughts, words and deeds according to the image of the thoughts, words and deeds of the Lord and His saints; hence the frequent depiction of the cross, burning incense, lighting candles and lamps, entering and exiting the altar; for this purpose, bowing, bowing, prostrating (we have fallen deeply through sin). All this reminds us of various spiritual objects and states. Imagery has a great influence on the human soul, on its creative or active ability. So, they say, if a mother, during pregnancy, often looks at the face or image of her beloved husband, then the baby is born very similar to the father, or if she looks at the portrait of a beautiful child, then a beautiful baby is born to her; Thus, if a Christian often, with love and reverence, looks at the image of the Lord Jesus Christ or His Most Pure Mother and His saints, then his soul accepts the spiritual traits of the kindly visible Face (meekness, humility, gentleness, purity and holiness, mercy, abstinence). Oh, if only we would look more often at the faces and especially at the life of the Lord and His saints! How we would change, rise from strength to strength! So, if we smell the fragrance of incense in a church or at home, then by analogy it reminds us of the fragrance of virtue, and by contrast - of the stench of sins, and teaches those who are attentive to the inner feeling to avoid the stench of passions: intemperance, fornication, malice, envy, pride, despair and other passions, and to adorn themselves with all Christian virtues; The censer reminds us of the words of the Apostle: we are the aroma of Christ to God among those who are being saved and among those who are perishing: for some the aroma of death unto death, and for others the aroma of life unto life (2 Cor. 2:15-16). In a similar way, a candle or lamp reminds us of light and spiritual fire, for example, of the words of the Lord: I have come as light into the world, so that whoever believes in Me should not remain in darkness [Jn. 12, 46 ]; or: I have come to bring down fire on the earth, and how I wish it would already be kindled! [ OK. 12, 49 ]; or: let your loins be girded and your lamps burning. And you be like people who wait for their master to return from marriage, so that when he comes and knocks, they will immediately open the door for him [Lk. 12, 35 – 36 ]; or: let your light shine before people, so that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven [Matt. 5, 16], - and with their very prophetic, very essence they teach us spiritual things or objects that correspond to light and fire, for example, so that our hearts always burn with love for God and neighbor, so that we do not allow passions or the fire of hell to flare up in ourselves, so that we shine as an example of a virtuous life for others, as a candle shines for us in everyday affairs. (Remember the life of Jacob the patriarch and the conception of the sheep by the rods [Gen. ch. 30].) Yesterday's lean tea and sieve bread set my stomach, clogged my chest, and I could hardly serve; in addition, most of the burnt air in the church. Oh, we need a window! I thank the Lord for the gift of the stumbling-free performance of Matins in front of a significant gathering; at the prayer of Christ, the True Light, due to the action of the enemy, he stumbled and could not speak, let it be marked on us... On leaving the church, I sinned, became angry with the beggars for having gathered in large numbers and causing stuffiness and dampness... Why do I feel sorry for my sinful body, and not for the beggars? How dare I get irritated with them?.. and work for the devil?.. Meekness, kindness, patience!.. It is better to endure a runny nose and stuffiness than to rage and carry within yourself this suffocating devilish leaven that destroys the well-being of soul and body; It is better to endure everyone and everything with love than to be angry and angry. I thank the Lord for His help during the service of the Liturgy and for the non-judgmental communion of the life-giving and revived Mysteries of His Body and Blood. There were a lot of people at the liturgy, especially women; the prosphyr was hundreds to two; from mass the income is 24 rubles. The Lord is generous and merciful. It is a touching sight that Kronstadt Orthodox Christians, especially our parishioners, maintain their connection with the dead, their love for them, diligently remembering them. It is the Lord, the Good Shepherd, who through the Holy Spirit fosters faith, hope and love in the sheep of His verbal flock. Glory to the Lord, who feeds His sheep. (It should be noted that fasting meals are morally and physically extremely difficult for me.) You should eat as little as possible. At the christening in the house of Semenov (Nikolai Mikhailovich), where the priest Perov, the devil laughed terribly at me, defeating me over trifles (velvet rims on a cassock). He brought extreme embarrassment and shame upon me to the point that I could not pronounce words for a considerable time when reading the litany and the holy prayer. And in front stood a familiar girl; I imagined that she was looking at the cuffs of my cassock. This is how bad it is to stare at expensive clothes! How the enemy confuses you with trifles and how much he simply moves you around! I didn’t have to take off the duckweed. While I was serving in duckweed, everything was fine - I took off my sleeves and exposed them in some way - and the trouble was: the enemy took advantage of the moment, especially because I scolded him quite a bit when casting a spell. With the material gifts of God that you receive, you can give alms to the poor with joy, and not with sorrow, willingly, and not forcefully. You accept tuna, give tuna [Matt. 10, 8 ]; You receive with joy, you give with joy. God loves a cheerful giver (2 Cor. 9:7). I thank the Lord for Matins, performed with boldness with the help of His grace, although at the beginning I was weak in heart, fearful of the action of the enemy, especially from the presence of Father Matthew, who read the prayers aloud in the chapel (with one mouth and one heart to glorify and sing); Because of this circumstance, the enemy severely confused me when reading the prayers of light and when pronouncing the great litany. But grace conquered evil confusion and fear. I prayed to the Lord to crush the power of pride, anger, and love of money in my brother, and in me as well. The Lord gave a sign or inner testimony that my prayer was heard. Give, Lord! In fact, there is no sincere Christian feeling in the brother: pride and love of money, like a dark, heavy cloud, cover and suppress his heart. There is no compassion for the poor, not even one. I thank the Lord, who consoled me, unworthy, again by performing the liturgy without stumbling and by the non-judgmental communion of the Holy Mysteries. He also served Vespers without stumbling. After Vespers I was tempted by the beggars: out of a hundred people who came up to me after Vespers, I tore two by the hair, and violently. But why? Was I myself hungry, or not dressed warmly and decently, or were my family deprived of something? No. It was my impatience, my anger, my pride, my covetousness, my lust. How did I dare to embitter and offend the children of Jesus Christ and His members? Is it their poverty that is to blame for the fact that they persistently asked me to give them alms for a shirt and supports another or third time? Until I uproot my love for the world and its corruptible and fleeting blessings, until then I will not cease to be indignant in spirit and angry at people (when there are many of them) who demand from me what is necessary for the body: food, money, clothing; Until I renounce all my possessions, I cannot be a disciple of the Lord [Lk. 14, 33], Who Himself had nothing and did not have where to lay His head [Lk. 9, 58]. Yes, rage and anger towards many beggars comes from my addiction to the world. Oh, how blessed are the saints who despised the world, self-interest, sweets, the beauty of clothing, rank and distinction! That is why they were elusive to the enemies of salvation, unperturbed, constant in love for God and neighbor. Away with the adulterous fear of demons during the priestly service! May the fear of God always penetrate me completely! Deliver me, Lord, from confusion and fear, even those who come from the devil. We must rejoice, and not grieve and be despondent, that so much good is poured out on poor people through the material gifts of my God, which are acceptable to me and in abundance, that the poor are fed, clothed, have shelter, which they could not have had if I had stopped giving alms. Let thanksgiving be given to the Lord for His generous gifts and for His all-good, generous and unsleeping Providence for me and for the poor, for my hand never became scarce, but was full of the gifts of God. Forgive me, Lord, my cowardice and poverty of faith, hope and love and addiction to the blessings of this world, like disappearing smoke, and strengthen me to seek heavenly, imperishable, eternal treasures. November 26th. I thank the Lord for healing my soul and body with the Holy Eucharist, for yesterday and today in the morning I felt sick from a cold and a bad runny nose, and after receiving the Holy Mysteries I became healthy. In the evening I sinned before God and my neighbors by pushing one beggar out of the church yard when, upon my refusal, he urgently asked for alms a second time. Why did I have to push him furiously? I could have walked away calmly without pushing him. Oh, anger and impatience! The beggar seemed suspicious to me. At the end of the all-night vigil in Gerasim’s shop, Murashov could not say goodbye to the effect of the enemy’s slander: the villain had stung. Only faith in the Blood of the Lord and heartfelt prayer saved me from the oppression of the enemy. In the end, the enemy tries to catch a person - therefore, at the end of life, we must especially try to unite and unite others with the Lord. Fasting is the implementation of the Gospel, just as in paradise the commandment of non-eating was the implementation of the entire moral law; fasting leads to spiritual life, just as intemperance leads to carnal, bestial life; fasting is a good guide to fulfilling the entire law of love for God and neighbor, just as intemperance leads away from fulfilling the law and serves as an expression of self-love: a person turns all love to himself; love of money too; ambition too. The Lord showed great mercy to me yesterday evening, forgiving me the sin of cruelty against my neighbor and taking away the tightness and sorrow from my soul, this righteous retribution for insolence (he pushed the beggar out of the gate). At Gerasim Murashev's shop at the all-night vigil, the beginning and end were difficult from Veliar: he could not pronounce the departure, turned his face to the west and could not speak, turned again to the east - and so could not speak. All-night vigil in the Duma Church. Who will give me space, sincerity, strength and constancy of the love of the Church for her children, breathing in all her prayers and litanies? And I must have such love as to pray sincerely, unfeignedly, and pleasing to God - this should be all my concern. Divine love! I thank the Lord for the gift of tenderness and spiritual contemplation, given to me by His grace during the reading of the lamps, evening and morning prayers, and the all-night vigil. The Lord has softened my hard heart like wax! The All-Perfect God fully desires your perfection, since you were created in His image and likeness, therefore you must correct yourself in every possible way day by day and improve yourself in every virtue. Oh, how bitter were my sins for You, Christ my Savior, my God, when You were strangled, beaten, spat on, Your head was pierced with thorns and nailed to the cross, when You hung on the cross in unspeakable torment for my sake, delivering me from the bitterest, indescribable torments of hell! Although I would remember this self-exhaustion of Yours, this torment of Yours more often, so as not to commit sins and diligently perform every virtue, to love You with all my heart, fulfilling Your saving commandments! But I often forget this terrible Sacrifice, made for me by the Son of the Heavenly Father, the Only Begotten, Co-Eternal, Co-Essential. But give me, Lord, a pure heart and unchanging repentance for salvation, give me the rest of my life to please You. November 28. Resurrection. Morning. I thank the Lord for His help to me, a sinner, during the celebration of the liturgy in the Duma Church and the delivery of Metropolitan Gregory’s sermon with strength, sincerity and persuasiveness. Smoking tobacco, a cigarette, a cigar - a demonic sting in the flesh. This sting is a visual image of that terrible sting of Satan, with which he stings the whole world, all people. Blessed is he who has comprehended this and despises all earthly pleasures. I sinned before God on this day (November 28) by allowing myself to eat several times a day: the first - at the birthday boy Sizov's (pie and roast fish); the second - a piece of pie at home; the third - at home there were buns with tea, and finally at home, after seeing Lesovsky off at the club - an excessive amount of pie and buns (three pieces of pie). He allowed himself to be carried away by his appetite and indulged in gluttony. A well-fed soul tramples down even a honeycomb, says Scripture [Prov. 27, 7]. A well-fed person despises the honeycomb - prayers, the words of God, divine services, the Divine Mysteries, all good teaching, good deeds. St. Andrew's day. Mental and physical weakness due to stomach strength; tightness, melancholy. During the cathedral service, out of demonic fear, I could not pronounce the names of the royal persons; when reading the prayer behind the pulpit - weakness, fear. Before the change in weather: a thaw has arrived after the cold. Prayer of St. John of Damascus from following the future to sleep. Frightened (Church Slavic) – in fear, frightened. For we who are alive are continually being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our mortal flesh, so that death works in us, and life in you (2 Cor. 4:11-12). Satisfied (church glory) – capable, suitable. Ever-essential (church-glorified) – eternal. You might be interested in: