Октябрь

Early mass of the Neustroyevs. I thank the Lord for the cleansing, renewal, and strengthening of my heart through the service of the Divine Liturgy and the communion of the life-giving Mysteries. Not like yesterday and the third day, when I was left without liturgy and communion: I was then weak and unclean in heart: the sting of voluptuousness stung and carried me away, weakened and bound me, depriving me of boldness; today I was peaceful, gracious, strong, and speechful. All-night vigil. I thank the Lord for the tears of tenderness in prayer for people and for myself, thank you for the cleansing and soul-strengthening fire of the Holy Spirit. I completed the entire all-night vigil safely. Christ, True Light... he said everything loudly and calmly. What I earnestly prayed to the Lord for, the Lord did not disgrace, despite my sins. I had a bad headache all day: was it from yesterday’s oatmeal? I ate quite a lot. Yes, and boiled potatoes. And I'm scrofulous. Himself, Christ God, bless this bread... For You bless and sanctify everything, Christ... For the sins of man, the earth and its products were cursed, as intended mainly for man. The Lord, with His suffering and death for all our sins, destroyed the oath that was placed on us in the beginning and gave and will continue to give blessings to all who believe in Him and to all earthly works. Glory to Thee, Lord, our Redeemer! Everything that is inscribed on the tablets of the Church, all services, prayers, supplications, petitions, thanksgivings, doxologies, must be pronounced with a strong and sincere heart, for the essence is life, purification, peace, light, strength and glory of our souls. Tobacco is harmful and ungodly in that it constitutes lust of the flesh and moral harm to the soul and physically to the body, which accustoms us to excess, while a Christian, preparing to be a heavenly citizen, must cut off all excesses that prevent him from rising in mind and heart to grief, which deprives our neighbor of the help that we must give him from our material means, which deprives us of freedom of action for the benefit of the soul. Every lust is a sinful branch in our heart, a sinful root, and sin has already taken deep and wide strong roots - the roots of self-love, pride, unbelief, vanity, impatience, anger, suspicion, irritability, delicacy and gluttony, gluttony and drunkenness, fornication, wickedness, greed, luxury and extravagance, idleness, laziness, various vanities, despondency, murmuring, insolence, disobedience, self-will and stubbornness - please tear out these roots from your heart. I thank the Lord for my good parishioners. Resurrection. I thank the Lord, who called me to prayer before the liturgy (later) at private prayer services and thereby prepared me to perform the most heavenly prayer at the liturgy. He served in the weakness of the flesh and spirit, but at the same time in the power of grace, with a clear, high voice; from the words: Grace of our Lord, loud; completed the Mystery safely, received communion in peace and into the peace of the soul; Father Deacon spoke about spiritual poverty; at the prayer behind the pulpit I missed the words: You glorify those with Your Divine power; At the great entrance, the royal house pronounced it loudly; at the thanksgiving service, it was rare to read the prayer of thanksgiving, in a chant, loudly, not giving the devil a place in the heart: at the end he missed a few words. After mass, several prayer services were served: at Al. Moiseevich Fedorov, at Kurshunov’s, from whom I had a sweet snack and drank a glass of coffee (for housewarming). After mass - christening, parting words for the sick; after Vespers - christenings in the church and in houses: two christenings at Zavirin's and at Korolev's house, a memorial service at Kvitkin's - all day in action. I thank the Lord, who has repeatedly surprised me this day through my prayer with His mercy and power by delivering me from the uprisings and storms of passions and the sorrow and torment of my sins. Matins was served well, clearly, loudly only with the help of God, although not without stumbling at the beginning, in the presence of the archpriest; Christ, Sveta... said it all to the end. Before mass, during vestments and proskomedia, a demonic obsession - a storm of indignation at Elder Paul Alex, at the deacon, who comes late; The enemy strongly incited and confused and oppressed him, but with the prayer of repentance he overcame him: the Lord gave forgiveness and peace. He served Mass without stumbling, loudly; took communion cheerfully; consumed the Gifts for great joy and peace of mind; conversation with the headman; the demonic abomination raped me: I passed by with a warm gaze towards the Lord - I calmed down. At home I had the madness to immediately eat black pie with cabbage after mass: it became difficult, especially in class. I committed a sin. He served Vespers with the help of God’s grace calmly and with strength. After Vespers at the funeral service, the temptation is from a large amount of smoke from a lot of incense. Why do we often repeat at funeral services: For You are the resurrection, and the life, and the peace? For frequent reminders of this to ourselves and others - for we constantly forget it or do not keep it in our thoughts, in our memory, in our hearts. With what maternal or, better yet, Divine love, the Church daily seems to carry us in her arms, offering up unceasing prayers for all of us to the Lord in the evening, at midnight, in the morning and around midday, teaching us, cleansing, sanctifying, healing and strengthening with the Sacraments and in all ways guiding us in the most tender and meek way to salvation and eternal life. Blessed are those clergy and clergy who understand this love and this concern of the Church for the salvation of her children, who try to assimilate its spirit, live in this spirit, breathe this both in the Church and outside it, and with heartfelt attention and reverence perform prayers, chants and sacred rites of the Church, remembering that through all this they themselves and their flock are saved! A lofty being is man, a wonderful creation of God, created in His image. If in a state of fall he is capable of many amazing deeds that he has performed and is producing, as we constantly see this both in history and in our modern world, then what is he capable of in a state of holiness and perfection? But most of all, what deserves attention, surprise, reverence, and heartfelt gratitude in him is that he can be like his Creator - God, that he is destined for immortality, for eternal bliss in God and with God, that he will one day be enlightened, like the sun, in the Kingdom of his Heavenly Father! The Lord, foreseeing this glory of His faithful and chosen ones, says: then, at the second coming, the righteous will shine like the sun in the Kingdom of their Father [Matt. 13, 43]. During the service of a requiem service for the dead, I have the opportunity to become convinced that I am the first and greatest sinner and spiritual dead man, and that I must mourn myself first of all. How true is the word of the Lord: let the dead bury their dead [Matt. 8, 22]. This applies to me: I am dead, burying my dead. Oh, that I might continually proclaim the Kingdom of God! The kingdom of grace, mercy, purification, sanctification, deification, eternal life! If you chase two hares, you won’t catch either; So in everyday affairs, so especially in spiritual ones, especially in prayer: God save you from the splitting of thoughts of the heart - you will bring destruction to yourself. Matins. The devil let a whole river of anger into my heart and almost swallowed me: only fervent prayer saved me from his drowning. Until now, damned one, I have not yet learned love, which endures everything, covers everything, until now I am proud, picky, capricious, proud, embittered with the sexton Vasily Kutuzov for not wanting to move the monthly Menaion closer when I read the canon for him in the choir. After all, I myself have hands - I could move it myself, and I did. The sexton didn’t guess, not that he didn’t want to. The enemy incited, set fire: oh, why do I still obey him?.. Oh, how weak is my heart! What passionate skills! If you break it small, it will fall little by little. I break abstinence, apparently a small commandment, because it would seem that it is important to drink an extra glass of tea with cream or wine or simply, but in the end what happens is that through intemperance you fall into great sins: malice, hard-heartedness, envy, laziness, etc. From eating yesterday a sufficient amount of fish (whitefish) with sauce and tea with cream (separately) and fatty and partly rye pie, my back hurts today, apparently from excess and a burden on the stomach. I sinned before God and before nature, or before myself! God! heal and let me soon become jealous of abstinence, despising sweets. An insatiable belly will always hunger, regardless of illness and the near end of life. It is harmful to eat and drink a lot because through heavy eating and heavy drinking, even just tea, the body soon gets tired and becomes weaker and exhausted. Wednesday. I thank the Lord for the great powers shown in having mercy on me, a sinner, in interceding and saving me from my invisible enemies and in helping me during all three daily services: matins, mass (in the Assumption Church) and vespers. During Matins, the enemy strongly set me on fire with anger at sexton Kutuzov, but the prayer of repentance and falling to the throne with prayer and contrition of heart saved me; Before mass I was upset with the poor, but the prayer of zealous repentance saved me again; During Vespers, prayer to the Lord and the Most Pure Mother of God saved me from cowardice and stumbling during the litanies. At night I ate a vinaigrette from Teshka and drank sweet tea, and then a glass of raw water - and this caused pain in the lower back, and perhaps also because, after sweating heavily, I put on cold, fresh underwear. Father Matthew did not want to hand out candles to the brethren yesterday at the removal of the body of Elisaveta Kvitkina, the servant of God; I forced him, saying: do it like a brother, that is, do it. And he was capricious, pouting at me and Kvitkin for not being invited to the funeral services. Oh, wealth! wealth! He who has a lot needs even more. And for what? To whom? They will close their eyes and leave everything. At the funeral service, Kvitkina lost her voice while shouting and reading the prayer of permission from demonic dreamy fear. Forgive me, Lord, for my cowardice. Thursday. Wonderful are Your life-giving Mysteries, Your Body and Your Blood! So this morning I got up weak and until the Cherubim at late mass I was weak; then I began to feel lighter, I served loudly, and after communion all illness passed, all the cramps disappeared: I became healthy, cheerful, calm, cheerful, there was spiritual joy in my soul! And at the beginning of the mass, during the proskomedia and then the enemy extremely strongly undermined the heart with greed or envy for the good large prosphora of the laity, served at the proskomedia, just as during Matins he strongly set fire to the sexton Vasily Ivanovich Kutuzov. What is the sexton’s fault? What is the fault of the prosphora?.. Oh, the all-evil, all-evil enemy of the human race, confusing everyone in the sunflower! May your intrigues be exposed and defeated throughout the world! And may the servants of God be glorified. I thank the Lord for a successful ministry! I thank my Joy for the communion of His Divine Mysteries! Friday. I thank You, most merciful, quick to obey, all-powerful Lord, for you did not allow the evil of the enemy to immerse and kill my soul during the morning service, when my brother, Father Matthew, came to church: behold, he was at enmity and, perhaps, is still at enmity against me because I went to funeral services for Elisaveta Kvitkina, whose spiritual father he was. several years; but I didn’t ask for it myself, for I don’t have this custom, but they asked me out of spiritual disposition towards me. Oh, we damned people! Without the grace of God, we mutually melt into anger at each other, but we are called, and we are, the brethren of the church, priests, shepherds, primates, judges, builders of the mysteries of God (1 Cor. 4:1)! How cowardly, selfish, vain, evil, and self-loving we are, that we hate each other because of a few rubles! But glory to Your long-suffering, O Lover of Mankind, as you have mercy on those who repent from the heart, cleanse, correct, forgive, enlighten, strengthen with the grace of Your Holy Spirit; Sovereignly divert the rivers of passions that drown our hearts from our hearts and, like a subtle, life-giving, light ether, pour the grace of Your Spirit into our hearts to pacify, revive, enlighten, strengthen and encourage our souls. I thank and glorify You for the powers of Your grace shown to me this morning. I felt Your usual mercy towards me, O most merciful Lord! Glory to Your life-giving throne and to You, who sits on it and through it pours out Your mercies on me. I will wait and see what will happen to my brother Father Matthew, who in his wealth raises his head high. (They say that both of them, that is, he and his wife, strongly scolded Kvitkin, that they invited not him, but me to the funeral services - what insolence! What a false concept, supposedly spiritual children are forever our slaves until their death or ours and are obliged to enrich us more and more, and we supposedly, without shepherding their souls, must warm our pockets from them.) Until now we [do not] have a domestic, strictly Russian, Orthodox education for youth: all programs have been filled with unproductive languages that do not give true life to the mind and heart, as well as to the will (of the students) of the youth who are studying and thirsting for truth; all school hours are almost exclusively devoted to languages, and that is why we produce children who are irreligious, non-Orthodox, without faith in their hearts, who cannot and do not want to read in the church language. Money is not my wealth, but Christ God, who richly gives me everything for my benefit and enjoyment. To Him be glory, thanksgiving, love, fear from my lewdness. (Is money, this dust, more valuable than man, created in the image of God and the ruler of creation, that because of a few kopecks or rubles or because of a sweet piece we despise him, are angry with him. Are we ready to beat or destroy him for the fact that he stole what belonged to us or spent it not on what we gave our rubles and kopecks for, but on a delicacy or something else? We will meek. Let us not despise anyone. If anyone has offended us, let his sin punish him.) Liturgy. The Lord showed me unspeakable mercy during the Liturgy. While going to the Liturgy, I met beggars who often came up to me, and scolded them with anger for often coming to me and asking me for alms, especially one soldier’s son, about nineteen years old, to whom I gave 30 kopecks after Matins, and he came to me again before Mass. For my embitterment I was punished with cruel hardship, sorrow and shame. Therefore, I turned to the Lord with all-soul, deep repentance for my pride, my pride, malice, envy, my covetousness, lust and carnality, my lack of faith; and when I deeply realized my sins and sincerely condemned myself, then the Lord had mercy on me, forgave me my sins, took away sorrow, oppression, reproach and shame from my heart and gave me peace, boldness, strength and courage, and I served the Liturgy calmly, in strength and truth, with a heart warmed by faith and love. At the end of the liturgy, just before communion, the enemy again confused me, constrained me, weakened me, embarrassed me, although not completely - with what? - with grief at Father Archpriest Pavel because he doesn’t give decent vestments, but gives me, as it were, bad mattings. I barely calmed down, realizing that this was the attack of the devil, that Father Archpriest was a good man. The adversary fought me hard and sent a river to my heart. Only the grace of the Lord overcame the sin that was in me. During the all-night vigil in the Assumption Church, I felt cold and fearful due to my stomach being clogged with fatty meat foods: I did not pronounce some words while reading the Gospel; exclamation after Save, O God, Thy people... too; a prayer to Christ, the true Light... at the end. After Matins, he was furious with the beggars for their frequent begging on the day of alms. I have sinned against the Lord. I bought an image for a widow, ex. marry the orphan Catherine. At home it was weak. He baptized cheerfully, mostly with officials in Estafiev’s house. With the help of God and the Queen of Heaven, he served all matins on Saturday (in the Cathedral) successfully - all the litanies, read the canon himself - and mass also by the ineffable mercy of the Bishop. Resurrection. I thank the most merciful Lord, who has honored me even today with His most heavenly Gift - His Most Pure Body and His Precious Blood, who has cleansed my sins and healed all my ailments through the communion of these Holy Mysteries, who has pacified me, the troubled, the distraught, the oppressed. After mass there was a christening in the Duma at the caretaker's; After the christening, I ate whitefish pie and drank a glass of tea for sweetness, joy and strengthening. But when I came home, I ate plenty of carrot pie and meat soup, without meat, and it became difficult. There is no need to eat at home after a snack at a party in a row or with a short period of time. I thank the Lord, who enabled me with a cheerful spirit to marry two weddings in front of a large crowd of people. Matins. I thank the Lord for the help that was graciously shown to me through my prayer during the service of Matins; thank you for cleansing the filth of the flesh and soul; thank you for the peaceful state of mind; I thank you for overcoming the vain fear of demons, doubts and mental turmoil. But after Matins, I sinned greatly before God, becoming embittered at the beggar for supposedly losing money, 60 kopecks, which I gave him for a caftan; In indignation and anger, I called the member of Christ, the one who was created in the image and likeness of God, a beast and a scoundrel, although, perhaps, he is very cunning and deceiving. May God forgive him. Forgive me, Lord! May I never be angry with anyone. I thank the Lord, who has given me this day, in which I am numbered among the church of the firstborn, who are written in heaven [Heb. 12, 23 ]! I sinned before God: I was tempted at night in a dream by a prodigal ghost and seminal discharge, which had not happened for a year now through the power of the Honest and Life-Giving Cross and prayer. At first I imagined some white figure like a man swinging on the window; At first she seemed to be lifeless, then she became alive; the face turned from less handsome to more handsome, then she came down from the window to me when I began to look (oh, sight!) at the rather pleasant features of her face - it turned out to be a woman. And through the sense of touch I fell into fornication. And this happened because of my gluttony and satiety the day before: I ate raw cabbage when they chopped it, drank a lot of tea with Madeira, with cream, ate two apples, cheese, and ate meat at lunch. I have sinned against the Lord! God! from my womb is the abyss of sin - teach me to overcome the all-delightful womb! We do not spare tens or hundreds of rubles for wine and sweets, and a few kopecks for the poor, not to mention rubles; We don’t spare hundreds of rubles for clothes, furniture, dishes, but we regret giving rags to the poor - what depravity of the heart! What pride, voluptuousness, selfishness! Reproach, reproach yourself, a hard-hearted person, always and force yourself to charity, so that we may find the Lord merciful to us on the day of testing and the Last Judgment! Remember that in the flesh, in the passions of the flesh, the enemy of God and men, the devil, operates: if you serve pleasures, you serve the devil; if you follow greed, you fulfill the devil’s will; whether you are proud, angry, or cast a voluptuous glance at someone – you serve the devil; If you are lazy in prayer, if you sleep for a long time, you are working for the devil. But if you eat bread and water, sleep on the bare ground, stay awake, pray, meditate on God’s affairs, read the word of God with heartfelt reverence, then you kill the flesh and the flattering Belial. If you are meek, kind, patient, self-controlled, chaste, compassionate, then you serve the Lord and mortify the Belial within yourself. I thank the Lord for the ineffable gift of His mercy - for partaking of His Most Pure Mysteries of Body and Blood, for the cleansing of the filthiness of my flesh and spirit, for the sanctification of soul and body, for renewal, for heavenly peace, for boldness, for the breadth and space of the spirit and the health of the body, for the free gift of speech in the classroom. I have received so many greatest gifts from my Lord through the communion of His life-giving Mysteries! After classes I went to St. Petersburg with my brother Alexei Konstantinovich peacefully at three o’clock in the afternoon; arrived from the ship to the locomotive twenty minutes before the train. I spent the evening with Father John [V...] cheerfully; was received in a friendly manner and was treated diligently. During the evening dances he rested and slept; had dinner at eleven and a half o'clock. At twelve and a half o'clock I went to bed. I got up at 6 o'clock in the morning, washed myself and set off on foot along the Vyborg highway; walked almost to the Trinity Bridge; I took a cab and arrived on the ship 10 minutes before the last bell. I sinned - I did not give alms to the poor when they earnestly asked for it from me: firstly, on the pier, secondly, at the gate of the church house; My heart was hardened because of the loss of 60 kopecks given to one beggar for clothes. I sinned before God, before people and before my conscience and before my soul, which for this reason the peace of God, freedom and joy left and which suffered sorrow, oppression, sadness, shame. Do I not receive everything from the Lord without mercy? Why is my heart not merciful to my brethren? Why hard-heartedness, stinginess, covetousness? I myself am voluptuous, but I starve the poor to the sea; I myself dress in expensive clothes, but spare rags for the poor; I myself live in spacious rooms, and I regret giving them a few kopecks for an overnight stay! I forgot how my Lord Jesus Christ, the King of heaven and earth, lived for me on earth, not having where to lay my head [Matt. 8, 20 ]; I forgot the life and exploits of the saints, their non-covetousness, abstinence, cave life, reclining on the bare ground, their coarse clothing, their meager and harsh food, their unceasing prayer, their ardent love for God and for people, their compassion, merciful pliability, how they gave away their last property, their meekness, patience, kindness, obedience, constancy in good deeds - and I live, accursed, for myself, and not for God and my neighbors, in my flesh, loving food, clothing, home furnishings, leaving my soul to the arbitrariness of passions, corrupting the church of God - my heart with criminal, adulterous love for the goods of this world, lying in evil, for the goods of perishable and corrupting immortal souls and removing them from God, the source of life! God! teach me to turn away from myself for Your sake and for the good of others. I thank the Lord, who punishes me for my lack of mercy! You didn’t spend money on the name day celebration, which required up to fifty or forty rubles, spend it on the poor, spend ten rubles on clothes for them, and you will be rewarded from the Lord. Kazan Mother of God. My God! What torment I endured today, what cramped conditions, what heaviness, like a mountain, I endured today during mass - from satiety the evening before, or from eating rotten meat soup (sheep soup) with meat and black soft bread! How [...]. I thought I couldn’t stand it, I’d be completely embarrassed! And how ashamed I was of my failure! And how the enemy mocked me! But how easy, joyful, calm, and cheerful it suddenly became after consuming the Holy Gifts! - Heavenly silence! Heavenly joy, lightness, joy! Oh, how coarse, difficult, and deceptive earthly pleasures are! And the heavenly ones are so pure, subtle, and light! The wedding was celebrated too loudly, in spite of Belial, who was trying to force me to remain silent! Father Matthew was at the altar! It was hard for my soul to see him! For his soul is treacherous! However, I myself am the container of all evil. Having been at the gymnasium, I internally had anger and hostility towards the director because he advised not to say anything at the ceremony (why didn’t I flatter him at the anniversary!). I fought for a long time with the enemy who confused me. Signed books and certificates of commendation. I sinned that I was angry with the director. It seemed to me. The devil incited. How impartial a priest must be to earthly things, so that, while performing such services and such high, heavenly Sacraments, he will not be caught by the enemy and will always burn with pure love for God and for people who perish from sins and are saved by the grace of Christ in the Holy Spirit! But how great is our habit of sin! How strong are our earthly passions! And while performing the Sacraments, we do not completely put aside everyday cares and passions out of habituation to them, and therefore the enemy confuses, darkens and transforms our mind, binds our heart and takes us into his heavy captivity. And rightly so! Don't dream. A priest must be an Angel in the sublimity of his thoughts, in the purity of his soul and body, in his fervor for God, the All-Creator and Savior, and for people, his brothers. I myself told the director that I have nothing against the fact that Father Pavel Lamanov will serve a prayer service at the assembly in the gymnasium, and in all honesty, I am glad of this, because this saves me from mental turmoil and anxiety to serve a prayer service in front of people who only came ex officio to the prayer service, without any prayerful mood. Why was I angry with the director in my soul for inviting Lamanov? And not speaking would also [...] be good. To the air. I thank the Lord, who has given me again a clear, loud voice. Yesterday I cleared my stomach by eating grapes and marmalade. I thank the Lord for everything. I thank the Lord, who repeatedly revealed in me during Matins His mercy and His life-giving power through the touch of my heart and lips to His life-giving throne, who repeatedly plucked up the thorns of passions and extinguished the flame of passions and took away the poison of the serpent from the heart. The science of sciences is to overcome the sin that lives in us, or the passions operating in us; for example, there is great wisdom not to be angry with anyone or anything, not to think evil about anyone, even if someone does us harm, but to excuse it by all means; wisdom is to despise self-interest, sweets and love non-covetousness and simplicity in food and drink with constant moderation; wisdom is not to flatter anyone, but to speak the truth to everyone without fear; wisdom is not to be seduced by the beauty of a face, but to respect in every person, both beautiful and ugly, the beauty of the image of God, which is the same for everyone; wisdom is to love your enemies and not take revenge on them in word, thought, or deed; wisdom is not to accumulate wealth for yourself, but to give alms to the poor, so that we may acquire for ourselves an inexhaustible treasure in heaven. Meanwhile - alas! We have studied almost every science, but we have not taught the science of avoiding sin at all, and we often turn out to be complete ignoramuses in this moral science - for example, although I, and even a priest, who has already lived to the age of five (42 years). And I am a greedy, and a covetous, and a fornicator inwardly, and angry, and vindictive, and impatient, and arrogant, and envious, and lazy, and sad, and cowardly, and fearful, and cowardly, and partial-spirited, and crafty, and proud, and disdainful, and a scolder, and ambitious, and the abode of all sin, - and took the highest course of science at the Academy: theology of all types, and philosophy, and its history, and the history of civil societies, and church history, and physics, and logic, and psychology, and the science of numbers and measurements. It’s a wonderful thing that in my soul I remain the same stupid sinner that I was twenty or twenty-five years ago. And it turns out that the truly wise, the truly learned were the saints, the true disciples of the true Teacher Christ, and we, without saying a good word, all of us so-called scientists are ignorant, and the more learned, the more ignorant, because we do not know and do not do anything for the need, but work for self-love, voluptuousness, and self-interest. I thank the Lord, who has deigned me, an indecent one, to perform the Divine Liturgy for the dead (parental Saturday) in the Assumption Church and to partake of the life-giving Mysteries with a feeling of life-giving Divine warmth in my mouth and in my heart and throughout my whole body, or, more importantly, life-giving fire; I thank you for the heavenly peace, for freedom, boldness, lightness. In the gymnasium, during the act, melancholy and displeasure attacked the director and the inspector’s wife; I didn’t go to anyone, went home and wasn’t at the gymnasium in the evening, but the director called. I sinned: I thought evil about them, but one should not think evil or overcome evil with a good disposition, if it is noticeable in people, or not notice it, as if it did not exist. Evil, whim - aside. We must try to be sociable, kind to everyone, to be pleased with everyone, to consider ourselves worse than everyone else and worthy of any disposition of our neighbors, which we must accept with meekness and humility and with prayer for those who are not well disposed. In the evening, after a midday nap, I sinned gravely before God and before the poor, with anger and embitterment, refusing them (two young people) alms, payment for an apartment for the reason that they often asked me, and they followed me back and forth for a large space, waiting, begging for alms from me; He grumbled against the Lord, the accursed one, he was impudent, as if blaming the Lord for the fact that many beggars are left to their own devices and are forced to beg for the needs of the body from me. He performed baptism and the all-night vigil in two places in cramped conditions and sorrow precisely because of his cruelty and stinginess! Forgive me, Lord! To be a glutton means to fall away from the Lord in action and to move away from Him in heart: gluttony is idolatry, and experience confirms this daily. Fasting and abstinence bring you closer to God. That is why fasting is frequent in our Church! They lead to God. In gluttony there is always impurity, internal fornication. As someone who corrupted himself in his youth with extreme fornication, I conveniently fall under every passion: anger, suspicion, the most stupid pride, envy, and I am offended, and lustful, and lazy. I have to blame myself for everything and no one else: all people are better than me, stronger morally. Yes, I humble myself before everyone. Food depresses the heart. It makes him insensitive to sins and averse to virtues. Eliminate passions before they intensify and take you captive! Drunkards, adulterers, shooters. Terrible captivity, a harbinger of eternal captivity! Seeing the strong wind, he was afraid and began to drown [Matt. 14, 30]. This happens to me, a man of little faith; How often, seeing with spiritual eyes the strong wind of evil spirits attacking me, I am afraid and drowned in spirit. But glory to the Lord who saves me. Resurrection. Early mass. In extreme weakness of spirit and body, he served Matins and early mass. Extreme grief and distress. The voice is weak, I think from drinking tea and cream, and especially from eating savory oval buns with butter. The chest felt clogged. After consuming the Holy Gifts, I felt heavenly peace and sweet bliss with a full sense of health. At the prayer service at Roshchin in Vysokaya Street, great confusion happened to me: stumbling from doubt on one word, I could not read the Gospels of Luke to the Most Holy Theotokos for a long time, either back or forth. The devil is so angry! So opposed to the work of God! Apparently, he had a stay here. The air is damp, heavy, I was burdened by it even before the prayer service for half an hour. God's providence for the poor is wonderful: yesterday I gave to the poor for a caftan and boots, and today the Lord returned to me three times more than what I gave: two women gave me four rubles for the benefit of the poor. Give it - don't regret it. Tomorrow, October 25, a prayer for the maternity mother in the Kazer house to the officer at 9 o’clock. Do not punish beggars too much for deceiving: human hardness makes them deceive us. They will not deceive you - and they will not give it to you. To love God with all your heart means to love with all your soul meekness, humility, purity and chastity, wisdom, truth, mercy, obedience for the sake of God and never do the opposite of these virtues, that is, do not be proud, do not get irritated, do not be angry with anyone, do not commit adultery - not even in the heart, not with a look, not a word, not a thought, not a body movement to violate chastity; avoid all reckless, unnecessary words and deeds, avoid all untruths, hate stinginess and greed, avoid self-will and disobedience. Passions, like cruel drivers, drive us on every day, forcing us, through our inclination towards earthly things, to do what is contrary to the Lord and our true good and pleasing to the flattering Satan. Early mass from N.M. Semenov. I was completely exhausted in spirit and chest from drinking too much tea and coffee yesterday, and even honey (one glass): I could not say proskomedia prayers; I celebrated mass with difficulty - my chest seemed to be constrained. The trouble probably also came from the halibut, which he ate with gusto, or simply with greed, and then from the chicken pate. I have sinned before the Lord! After consuming the Holy Gifts, I felt a wonderful world, a wonderful space! I sinned before God during the betrothal of Dmitry Vasilyevich Romashev, seduced by the too simple, rustic, rude appearance of his mother-in-law (and I myself am from the village) and the beautiful, elegant outfit and pleasant face of his bride (quite proud). Have faith in Jesus Christ our Lord of glory, regardless of personalities [Jas. 2, 1]. I sinned before God and before the holy martyr Paraskeva, who hated earthly vanity for the sake of love for the Lord, by desiring, during the reading of the akathist to her at the all-night vigil at Yudenich’s house, a reward for her work, being stung by the vain idolatrous love of money! God! Have mercy on me: I acknowledge my guilt! Without my caring about external blessings, You Yourself sent and always provided me with everything I needed (for which I sincerely thank You, my guardian and generous giver of all blessings) to Tuna, for I do not deserve such generous gifts of Yours as one filled with all kinds of sins. Yesterday I was wounded [...] by the sting of earthly, carnal love. Sinners! And the reason is the abundance of sweet food: fresh ruff fish soup, [ruff] jelly with cranberries and sugar. I sinned through satiety. Early mass for the deceased Paraskeva (daughter of Paraskeva Ekimovna Murashova). Alas for me! How hard it was for me today at mass and before mass during Matins! How I suffered because of my satiety the day before with sweet jelly at lunch and pears in the evening! Moreover, I was still having dinner! My soul was completely depressed, drowning in satiety; To add to my misfortune, the weather was damp and [...] my spirit was depressed! How true is the word of the Lord, that those who walk with the pleasures of this life are overwhelmed and do not bear fruit [Lk. 8, 14 ]! How necessary is abstinence! How necessary is fasting! Intemperance suppresses all sublime thoughts, feelings and aspirations of our soul! The more we please the belly, the more cold we become towards God and our neighbor! That is why the saints despised the womb and killed it! Thanks be to the Lord, who did not reject me, a sinner, but who made me worthy to be a partaker of His Holy Mysteries for the cleansing of my sins, for the sanctification and healing of my soul and body, for the peace of my spiritual strength. I suffered many, many grave temptations today during mass. When consuming food and drink, especially sweets and hot drinks, one must keep in mind the evil consequences: weakness of spirit, strengthening of the sinful flesh and the sin that lives in it, such as malice, envy, fornication, stinginess, hard-heartedness, despondency - and do not get carried away with the taste, do not delight your larynx, do not servile your belly. Do not be indignant at the untruths of your subordinates, maintain peace, kindness, truth: the world lies in evil (1 John 5:19) - we cannot correct everyone. Every unrighteous person will reap the fruit of his unrighteousness. Meekly reprove untruth: the voice of meekness penetrates the soul better and corrects it than an angry, irritable, confused voice. Glory to God: he denounced sexton Kutuzov with force and authority for the riots in the tavern and for extortion, for searches (up to three rubles). The Lord gave strength and wisdom. It would be a sin to remain silent. The evil could intensify. You still don’t need to drink tea with a roll in the morning: your spirit weakens, it becomes indignant conveniently from the enemy. And without drink and food, the spirit is stronger. At the take-out today I was embarrassed, and before the take-out my spirit was very indignant at the memory of the sexton’s extortion. I begged the Lord to pacify my soul, and the Lord had mercy, glory to Him! In love with himself, Ivan Yakovlevich Marchenko said about one ship's caretaker. This is aptly said. Many of us are in love with ourselves and flirt with ourselves. As soon as sin does not play with us! We are in love with ourselves when we admire ourselves in the mirror, when we eat sweetly, drink, dress exquisitely, live in rich and luxurious chambers, when we save money for ourselves, hoard, when we immoderately and illegally demand honor for ourselves, etc. It is harmful to consume cow butter and meat fat in abundance: heartburn occurs, indigestion occurs, and the voice is weak. October 30. After the all-night vigil. In general, everything fat is hard. After lunch today I didn’t drink tea without cream, but it’s useful after fatty foods. I thank You, my joy, Lord of glory, for You received my image through incarnation from the Most Pure Virgin and honored, exalted and deified humanity; I thank You, for you have raised me from corruption to incorruption, cleansed my filth, healed infirmities and illnesses, transformed sorrows into joy, transformed sinful oppressions into the space of Your justification, hedgehog from faith and repentance of the heart; You drive away the darkness of passions and grant Your spiritual light; you have taken away confusion and sent down peace from above, you have taken away cowardice and given courage with boldness. Glory to Your mercy! I look at the icons in the church: at Your icon, Your Most Pure Mother, the holy Angels and Archangels and at the faces of the saints, adorned with both gold and shining silver, and I think to myself: how You have honored and adorned our nature, Creator and Provider of all! Your saints shine with Your light, are holy with Your goodness, having conquered sinfulness and washed away the sinful defilements of the flesh and spirit; They are glorious by Your glory, Incorruptible by Your incorruption. Glory to You, who has so much honored, enlightened and magnified our nature! Here are Your apostles and hierarchs, living images of You, the Supreme One, the Messenger of the Father who has passed through the heavens, the Hierarch and the Chief Shepherd; Your kindness, Your wisdom, Your strength, spiritual beauty, power, greatness, shrine shines in them. These are Your martyrs, who by Your power overcame terrible temptations, who endured terrible torment, in Your Blood they made the garments of their souls white [Rev. 7, 14]. Here are Your saints, who through fasting, vigil, and prayer received Your wonderful gifts, gifts of healing, insight: Your power strengthened them to become above sin and all demonic machinations, Your likeness shines in them like the sun. The priest is the living image of Jesus Christ, the eternal Priest. I thank the Lord, who, in His goodness, gave me pure, fiery prayer with tears of tenderness during the all-night vigil and made me worthy to perform this Divine service without stumbling. What peace, what spiritual freedom, what light, what tenderness reigned in my soul, I cannot describe. I thank my joy, that is, 96 my Lord, my Savior, most obedient and most merciful. October 30. 11 o'clock at night. In the church, its location and parts, in icons, worship with reading of the Holy Scriptures, singing, rituals, the entire Old Testament, New Testament and church history, the entire Divine economy of human salvation, is depicted figuratively, as on a map, in faces. The divine service of our Orthodox Church is a majestic spectacle for those who understand it, who delve into its essence, spirit, meaning, meaning. Write an article against those who dream that it is time for bishops to be members of the white clergy, that is, married. Alas! How bold the light has become! How far will the reforms stretch?! How far will the schism come?.. Or is episcopacy a slavery to corruption, uncleanness, and vanity? Leave your house, and your wife, and your children... and be My disciple [Lk. 14, 26]. Do not be seduced by outer beauty, it fades like grass; all flesh is hay, and all the glory of man is like the flower of grass [Isa. 40, 6; 1 Pet. 1, 24]. The daughters of men, made 97 beautiful and beautiful, must be pointed to the incorruptible beauty of the soul, created in the image of God. Oh, how absurd sin is and how flattering it is, how it attracts with imaginary pleasure, imaginary sweetness! God! May Your Kingdom come, may the dominion of sin end! One must look at the people with firmness and speak with firmness at the great entrance. I thank the Lord, who allowed me to celebrate the Sunday liturgy, although in weakness of spirit and body (from eating enough cheese the day before), but fruitfully, for despite all the deadness, the power of God did not leave me; I thank you for the life-giving warmth within upon communion of the Holy Mysteries and for your bold, reasonable, strong preaching of the confession of Jesus Christ. I thank the Lord for your boldness in performing the Sacrament of Baptism in the house of Kazer with Lieutenant Chikhachev in the presence of two naval lieutenants and noble women. I talked with the officers before the Sacrament and got comfortable. I thank the Lord for help from above during the wedding of two marriages: Satan strongly resisted, I cried out loudly in prayers: the glass of champagne drunk at the christening deprived me of the power of grace, and with extreme difficulty I celebrated the marriage, missing a lot of words - there is no need to clink glasses at all, it is not worthy of a priest (especially with women). In other words (Church Glav.) – that is. Pre-fertilized (Church Glav.) – extremely perfect, beautiful. You might be interested in: