Апрель

On April 4, I celebrated the early liturgy with great spiritual labor, until after communion I put off the old man and all the tightness. Some kind of nervous relaxation and irritation happens to me with the influence of the devil! But thanks be to God, who saved me from the death of sin and from all the oppressions of the enemy! Thanks be to God, who constantly shows in me miracles of mercy, strength, and wisdom! Gloriously glorified in me is Christ my God. His power is made perfect in my weakness. You never know, I’m still tired of the deviation and addiction of my heart to the substance, and I wish and regret everything for the substance, because of the addiction to which I suffer so much. Addiction to a substance is the cause of the deceit of the heart, coldness towards God and neighbor, lack of compassion, envy, malice and all passions. Addiction to substances constantly prevents me from loving God, strips me of the grace and life of God, worries me, oppresses me, I feel this, I know it - and I keep clinging to it. What kind of madness is this? Glory, Lord, to the life-giving grace of Your Holy Spirit, freeing me from the violence of sin and spiritual death. Palm Sunday. By the grace and power of the Life-giving Mysteries, I again threw off the rags and impurity of sin and all the illnesses that depressed me: headache, nervous irritability, weakness; my youth was renewed again, like an eagle; again I am cheerful, healthy, light as a bird. I thank the Lord, Giver of Life! But what a struggle I have every mass with the passions and infirmities of the old man! How irritable I can be from all the sexton’s disturbances during worship; How I seethe with anger, I become angry, I become embittered! A terrible thing: under the guise of jealousy for the order of worship, impatience and anger creep into my heart and nest in it! Even just looking at someone who has aroused my indignation in some way makes me embarrassed from inner indignation; the enemy shakes my entire being with his evil hellish breath. Prayer from the depths of the soul, deep contrition and repentance are needed so that the poison of the enemy’s malice is belched out into his belly. (Deacon Kutuzov confused the all-night vigil service at the lithium; Yakov Andreev - the stinginess of his donation to the poor church - is the reason for my indignation: I expected more.) It seems that a countless horde of ethereal enemies rushes at me with all their fury during divine services, and especially on great holidays: almost every time I am a victim of their treachery, slander, malice, guile: they hurt me until until, through fervent prayer and frequent falling of heart before the throne of God and Him who sits on it, I put off the old man with his passions and enter into Divine rest. During every solemn service, I, as a warrior, as a fighter and a warrior, fight with the invisible spirits of malice, or with the passions that they instill in the heart. Oh, if only because of my struggle it would be easy for everyone ahead; Oh, that through my sorrows they too would put off the old man and put off their evil deeds, according to the unity of the members of the body of the Church among themselves! Oh, if through my prayers, sorrows, struggles, spiritual revival, education, cleansing, sanctification, enlightenment and strengthening of Christian souls would take place! God! You weigh this: I can only wish and pray to You for this. But if You are usually merciful for the prayer of faith offered to You from the whole heart by Your servants, as You showed in both the Old and New Testaments, then I find it fair to think that my humble prayer is also accepted by You, for I offer it on behalf of the Church and by virtue of Your omnipotent intercession, the only Mediator of God and men, 28 Christ Jesus! Clothe the end of the word, O priest, with the whole armor of God, so that you can stand against the wiles of the devil - in faith, meekness, kindness, patience, in love, self-control, purity and chastity, in courage, hope, mercy. Have the spiritual, heartfelt conviction that you receive all material gifts, especially money (and spiritual ones, of course), from God freely and you have no right to keep them for yourself, but must willingly distribute them to those in need. (At [K...] the patient during the prayer service and during his farewell.) Here the demon of fornication approaches you with all-powerful, submissive service, seducing you with ungodly sweetness: look, stand guard over your heart and do not be deceived by carnal sweetness, but courageously, with firmness, immediately cast away this abomination from your heart, so that your imperishable King Christ God, Lawmaker and Judge, will crown you for victory. Observe the same with respect to gluttony, love of money, ambition and other passions. Be a constant warrior, not for a day, not for two, but for the rest of your life: the struggle is bitter, but paradise is sweet; hard work, but everlasting 29 reward. To talk about the meaning, need, benefit and power of fasting, about modern neglect of fasting, about the consequences of this for a person as a Christian, about the need to abstain from distractions like playing cards, theater, from whims, for example, smoking tobacco, feasts, reading books of secular and light content - all this is sowing thorns. It is harmful for me to travel: they are almost always accompanied by irregularities in my lifestyle and in the very eating and drinking and have a detrimental effect on my health. A trip to the Sergievskaya monastery, which is beyond Strelnaya. Do not travel unless absolutely necessary. (April 6, 1870) Among other things, travel distracts me not for the good: at home I am concentrated. To the merchant. It pleases you when many customers flock to your store every day - just as it pleases the Lord when the sheep of His pasture, His chosen people, flock to His church to serve Him, in order to be honored to receive from Him peace, the gifts of His goodness: tenderness, forgiveness and cleansing of sins, enlightenment and spiritual freedom, in order to bring Him repentance, praise, and thanksgiving. On the contrary, it is unpleasant for Him when His people, gifted with everything from Him, do not want to visit His holy church, this rich treasury of all spiritual gifts, and remain cursed, and poor, and poor, and blind, and naked in spirit. But you don’t go, or very rarely go to the house of God, you are tired, thickened, enlarged 30 and have forgotten God, who saves you and enriches you, and you don’t even give alms, forgetting that all your possessions are the only gift of God’s goodness, which is as easy for the Lord to take from you as it was easy for him to give to you. My heart, like Scylla and Charybdis 31, always threatens me with terrible danger and destruction and inspires constant vigilance over itself. This is the sword of Damocles hanging over my head; This is a hellish abyss, always gaping, on the edge of which I always stand. I thank the Lord for the mercy given to me internally while I stood in church for Matins on Holy Tuesday. The Lord heard my inner, sincere cry, saved me from sinful stumbling, cramped conditions and protected my soul with peace. God! teach and strengthen me to love my sincere self, not to judge him in myself, but to see my sins, which have multiplied more than the number of the sand of the sea. It is good to be in the house of God. God! You are my God, I have been looking for You since the early dawn; My soul thirsts for You... How desirable are Your dwellings, O Lord of hosts! [Ps.62, 2; 83, 2]. Peace, joy to the soul in the church of God! But why don’t many people go to church? Where do they go? What do their souls feed on? We seriously need to take care of the souls whose shepherds we have been appointed by God; declare to them our rights, the need for shepherding; Sheep are prone to delusion and can be conveniently caught by the mental wolf and destroyed. Going to the church of God sobers you up from the vanity of the world. The more you fulfill the lusts of the flesh, the more it rages, the more it demands the fulfillment of its whims and the failure to fulfill the commandments of the Gospel. For example, if you smoke tobacco, then it incites you more and more to smoke, not stopping at small things, just as a drunkard does not stop at one glass, or two, three, and at the same time incites you to turn your ears away from the plea of ​​a beggar who, trembling in the wind and cold, asks you in a plaintive voice for bread and rent. This is how harmful it is to satisfy the lusts of the flesh! Her lusts become your possessors. I thank You, Lord, for You have granted to me, like Your apostles and holy fathers and other Your saints, to know the secrets of Your Kingdom within me. Make me wiser and wiser for the salvation of me and my neighbors. Give me the grace to sincerely love my sincere and pray for all people and for enemies, as I pray for myself. Give me meekness and kindness towards all people. How learned and rich and noble people need church teaching! It is especially necessary because they, like the Pharisees and scribes, are especially blinded by pride and vanity, unbelief, free-thinking and fall into other, very important vices from which simple people are free. Of course, among noble, learned and rich people there are exalted souls, but we are not talking about a minority, but about a majority. These people must be taught that although they are noble, and noble, and learned, and rich, they are just as corrupt sinners and unworthy of God as all people; that the nobility of the earthly race in Christ means nothing without the nobility of virtues, that the wisdom of this world is foolishness before God, that the wealth of this world before God is extreme poverty. Remind them of the Jewish prince Nicodemus, of the scribes and Pharisees, whose false learning was the cause of their falling away from God; about the evangelical rich man who found himself in agony after death. A Christian must count everything as rubbish in order to gain Christ [Phil. 3, 8]. Why do scientists, rich, noble people weakly hold on to the faith and the Church? Because of my gluttony and satiation with good mushroom soup with lean butter, and also because of being distracted by a long walk in the fresh air, a fornication temptation from the devil and a ghost happened to me on the night of Great Wednesday (which is shameful to even talk about). I have sinned before the Lord! He desecrated his soul and body. Unclean ghosts haunted me almost all night. After this, eat greedily if you want to become unclean. Here are your favorite foods! Was it not from judging my neighbor and some self-praise that the defilement of fornication happened to me? Meeting with the Pasynkovs, their disapproval of Father John Ts., my words: “as it comes around, so it will respond”; and about myself: “thank you for the recommendation” (that is, they chose me instead of Father NN [...] as confessor). I have sinned before the Lord, I stinking dog. Why, man, don’t you look at the ugly and decrepit, but at the beautiful and young? Are not these also the same dust? Will they not be the same if they live to be sixty, seventy or more years old?.. How weak and fearful my soul is when reading prayers in the presence of any strangers, when I drink tea and have a snack in the morning! How strong I am in spirit when I fast! How can I be especially weak and fearful in spirit when the nighttime dreams of sleepy fornication happen to me? Woe is me! And everything comes from gluttony and satiety. When will I stop being crazy? I thank the Lord, who strengthened me, although with difficulty and nervous painful irritation throughout my body and pain in my legs, to confess the spiritual children in the gymnasium and in the cathedral (there are one hundred and eighty-nine people in the cathedral). Most of all I thank the Lord, who strengthened me to celebrate the Liturgy of St. Basil the Great on Holy Thursday early, to say the word to the communicants and boldly to give them communion - oh, how many temptations there were from the enemy, especially when I was somewhat indignant because the watchman put a lot of incense in the censer - after the consecration of the Holy Gifts! I almost lost my peace (and that was already lost, or partly) and I barely mastered the enemy with the help of intense inner prayer! After consuming the Holy Gifts, I was completely healed in spirit and body! Glory again and again, loud glory to the Divine Mysteries that gave life to me! They say about people who are not relatives: he is a stranger, especially about those who live far away and especially foreigners. Is this fair? No: all people are our own, and not strangers, as all who came from the same blood and especially as those reborn by one Holy Spirit in the baptismal font (Christians). The stranger, in fact, is the devil and the spirits of evil in high heaven subordinate to him. Close or twins are the same thing. Twins are neighbors, that is, we are all brothers, descended from the same blood. I thank the Lord, who generously provides for the poor and consoles me before the Bright Resurrection with His offering of well-wishers in favor of the poor. Thanks to the faithful servants of Christ! For poor Evdokia Semyonovna (Seroshtanova), I decided to pay from my own money to the merchant Neustroev, from whom I took one hundred rubles for her benefit; paid half, and now the Lord consoles with generous offerings in favor of the poor! Glory to Your good providence, O Lord! April 9, 1870. Maundy Thursday. Silver-gilded church vessels were sent on [...] April 7, Maundy Tuesday. The devil, through evil people, brought Jesus Christ, the apostles and martyrs to a shameful death, but by doing this he brought upon himself the most severe plagues and torments, for the cross of the Lord, depicted by us with faith, beats Satan, burns him, inflicts countless wounds on him, and the holy relics of the apostles and martyrs sanctify every place and drive away demons by the Holy Spirit living in them. The evil of the devil turns on his head. Glory to Your invincible power, O Lord, glory to Your infinite wisdom. In gatherings on holidays or name days and others, one can praise the love of sociability, but the way of spending time is not approved. That a brother takes sweets or our money - we regret and worry about this, but that because of this we are wounded by the devil, cling to the earth, lose the grace of God, are deprived of peace, fall away from the Lord - we do not regret this. This is how it always happens with us: the physical is preferred, and the spiritual is neglected. That the soul is disfigured, desecrated and desecrated by various passions - we do not grieve about this, but if we lose any of the earthly goods: money, clothing, a reward, or have not received a sign of respect from our subordinates - we greatly mourn about this, are indignant, and tormented. We are so partial to earthly things, we care so little about heavenly life! Some people pray every day at home and go to church, but meanwhile - alas - the enemy stole prayer from his heart long ago, and he prays only with his lips. And God Himself speaks of such prayer and such supplicants: these people draw near to Me with their lips, and honor Me with their lips, but their heart is far from Me; but in vain they worship Me [Matt. 15, 8–9 ] (other students, but more among adults). How necessary it is to pray and think with your heart about what we say! The enemy sometimes visibly and with the impudence characteristic of him, tears out not only from the heart and mind, but also from our lips words of prayer, praise and thanksgiving, or the names of the people for whom we pray, for example, the names of the reigning house. Know that mentioning names before God has power with God. We should rejoice in spirit that I have the opportunity in the morning not to eat or drink (on the occasion of the service), but the old man grieves, is jealous of those who eat and drink, is envious, and is angry. I am my own enemy. So the drunkard and the money-lover are greedy, although the other is drunk, and the other is rich, and if it were possible, one would drink all the wine in the world, and the other would take all the wealth, even to his own destruction. Here's a man! A Christian, as a heavenly citizen, is forbidden, under pain of deprivation of the future fatherland and eternal fire, to cleave to anything earthly, but to philosophize on heaven. I am a sinful man and an unworthy priest; I myself am filled with thousands of shortcomings and sins, but from my sexton Vasily Ivanovich Kutuzov I seek and demand perfection in the service, and when he sings incorrectly, I get irritated and angry with him, as if malice and rage can correct the matter (oh, senselessness and wordlessness, insane anger!). I sinned before God today - on Great Friday at Matins, hearing the faulty singing and reading of the sexton, I became angry with him inwardly, just as yesterday at early mass after the Transubstantiation of the Holy Gifts I was inwardly indignant at the watchman for putting a lot of incense into the censer. Oh, when will I get rid of the devil's malice! When will I be consistently meek and humble and calm? Why are my brothers, the archpriests and deacons and all the readers, calm, despite the turmoil of the divine service?.. They are more reasonable than me, kinder than me... I thank the Lord, who gave me the grace to read the twelve Gospels loudly and with power! Thank you for the tears of tenderness. Oh, for me, for me, a great sinner, the Savior of the world endured all this suffering and this terrible death! Grant me, Lord, to crucify my many-passionate flesh, which destroys my immortal soul. Let her be crucified with passions and lusts; let me always cry about my sins! About the need to work, to languish the flesh; the benefits for the soul and body: peace of mind, self-satisfaction, health of the body, healthy, peaceful, serene sleep. You are never so calm, healthy and sleep so sweetly as when you work hard and get tired, when you eat little, that is, in moderation. About the need for six days of work; The Creator commands us to work for six days and to create all our works in the likeness of Him, who completed all His works in six days; look, do everything you need, don’t leave anything out - for you will be punished for your omission if you don’t repent. What goes around comes around. This peace after the daily labors points to the future peace after the labors of this life, when all those who have worked will rest and rejoice on their beds - and to the disastrous, deplorable fate of those who hid their talent and indulged in laziness all their life or part of it and did not cultivate the spiritual field, did not pluck out the thorns of passions, did not sow good deeds. It should be noted that untimely sleep and drowsiness, together with untimely and excessive food and drink, are extremely harmful to the soul and multiply and strengthen the thorns of passions in it. A sleepy farmer's field is always overgrown with thorns, but a hardworking and alert farmer's field is always clean. Always, but especially during the days of the Lord’s suffering and death for the world, restrain yourself from any movement of malice, indignation and contempt for your neighbor, so that Satan does not consume you: for in these days he is especially allowed to torment all misanthropes and proud people for their ingratitude and ill-will and love of money. If the Lord Himself humbled Himself to the form of a slave 33 and became poor for the sake of our salvation, suffered so terribly and died such a cruel and blasphemous death, commanding us mutual love and sociability, then what kind of punishment do we deserve if, in the days of His suffering, through inattention and ill-will, in word or deed, with a glance or with a hostile and contemptuous and evil feeling, we offend neighbors, especially the poor, who especially deserve compassion, and not contempt, not indignation, not anger. Oh, may satanic malice completely disappear from our hearts, may one grace, meekness and humility reign! Learn from Me, says our Divine Teacher, the Lord Jesus Christ, for I am meek and lowly in heart... The reward for our meekness will be the everlasting, unchanging calm of our spirit. ...You will find rest for your souls [Matt. 11, 29]. (Holy Saturday. April 11, 1870) How long will I, an unworthy shepherd, not learn from the Chief Shepherd His meekness and gentleness? How long will I be madly carried away by malice? And all because of addiction to the substance. So flattering stuff! Observation. The result of all confessions. The sin of covetousness in its various forms and drunkenness are especially prevalent among the people; and these sins are, of course, promoted by drinking houses and houses of prostitution. Kronstadt is, par excellence, an adulterous and drunken city. I thank the Lord for His unspeakable mercy towards me, for the Lord again forgave me for my anger at the boy (white-haired) who persistently asked for alms, and then a new grief for another boy who repeatedly approached me asking for alms. This time I sinned by calling the one created in the image of God an ape. For a long time the devil scorched me with anger in both cases, but after tears of repentance and fervent prayer, the Lord forgave me and extinguished the fire of hell, and sent down the cool dew of grace. April 11, 1870. Private bailiff Ivanov served a prayer service cheerfully and unfailingly, with God’s grace, loudly, undoubtedly. The machinations of the enemy have passed. At the early liturgy on Easter, the names of all royal persons should be pronounced at the great entrance. They will have time to break their fast; through church remembrance may he preserve, may he purify, may he sanctify, may he enlighten, may he make wise, may he grow and strengthen all royal persons for the good of his people. A great thing is the commemoration at the great entrance; may it be sincere and firm. May the Lord help you. We must please God and the Church, not people. What will I bring to You or what will I reward to You, Lord, as me, a slave of sin and passions, You have elevated me to the height of the priesthood and entrusted me with the sovereign service, made me the shepherd of Your verbal flock, a father in spirit of many children, reviving, nourishing and strengthening them with the Sacraments and the word of teaching and, I dare say, with some example of life, according to Your grace; guiding them, like Moses and Joshua, to the land of promise from idolatrous and cruel Egypt - from this adulterous and sinful world, from under the dominion of the bitter Pharaoh - the devil, from the Egyptian plinth-making 34 to the spiritual fatherland, the heavenly Jerusalem. I thank the Lord, who pleased me with the intelligent, sympathetic reading of prayers (which the Lord gave me), funeral verses at Matins on Holy Saturday, on the second article, before the canon; Thank you for your boldness, for your strength of thought and feeling! For everything I thank my Lord - Helper, Comforter, Champion. Radiant Sun of Truth, Christ God! I thank You with all my heart, for Thou didst save me twice on Easter night from the machinations of the invisible enemy, who tried in every possible way to deprive me of freedom and boldness of spirit and had already achieved its goal, especially the second time. Oh, what freedom and tranquility of spirit I have received 35 from You, Lord, after fervently falling in prayerful spirit before Your throne in the Intercession chapel (before the beginning of Matins)! What joy, what courage! With what a triumphant spirit I stood in full vestment before the throne! With what joy and tenderness I lifted the shroud together with my father, the archpriest, and with what love and a lively grateful mood of my heart I kissed Your feet, my Savior! But the enemy was jealous of my victory through You, my peace of mind, and fiercely and persistently attacked me with anger at Reader Adrian, when this one, after walking around with the crosses of the church, got stuck among the people at our entrance to the porch and dangled the deacon’s candle in the air, almost breaking it! Well, I’ve already suffered, having conceived anger against my will, only being carried away by instant indignation at him! The latter was more bitter to me than the first: it took me many internal prayers, many struggles to get rid of the enemy’s malice, which had been sucked into my insides with all my strength and tenacity; Several times the enemy concealed the words in my exclamations due to lack of calm, boldness, and freedom in my heart! Finally, little by little, the Lord had mercy on me and delivered me from a fierce enemy to such an extent that I could serve quite calmly. I served loudly, in spite of the enemy, and celebrated the liturgy, thanks to God, victoriously, in the face of the enemy’s machinations! (He prayed to God with fervent faith before His holy Body and Blood to meet the needs of His holy church.) Our excessive eating and heavy drinking is the strength of our ethereal enemy, a strong weapon that we put into his hands. M. Britnev's review of the sermon of Metropolitan Gregory 36, which I spoke on Holy Friday when the shroud was taken out, shows that the word of God acts differently on human hearts, depending on the quality of the hearts: some lead to tenderness, and others to anger, just as the sermons of the Lord Jesus Christ Himself aroused the spirit of repentance in some, and hardened others: the common people delighted in them, and the scribes and The Pharisees were bursting with anger as they listened to them. So it is now: the tired, fattened and enlarged 37 merchants and some of the rich and learned of this age are embittered against the preacher for his truthful and strong word, and the common people rejoice. This proves the holy truth that the priest should not flatter the taste of his parishioners and [must] without embarrassment, thanking God, endure the reproaches of people devoted to pride and vanity, and in general endure all adversities courageously, for the devil, the enemy of the truth, arouses many different abuses against the preacher of the truth. We must stand firmly on the rock of Christ and not hesitate, not be indignant, not become embittered, but be even and calm, knowing that the world, like the sea, is sometimes quiet and sometimes stormy. Fury at one's neighbor and cursing at him for his malfunction or insolence comes from a lack in the heart of respect and love for the person of a person in general, for his moral dignity and, therefore, from pride, from improvidence and from jealousy that is not very prudent and not well restrained. Remember, whose title do you wear? Christov. Remember that all people are Christ’s sheep, filled with His Spirit, and your sheep; you are a shepherd; do not look at their faces: they are all equally sheep. Monday of Holy Week. I thank You, Lord, for this day, through my prayer, You have done wonderful things with me, granting me the grace to perform the Liturgy, loudly, graciously, peacefully, after an internal struggle with opposing forces, and to receive Communion without condemnation, and to give Communion to innocent babies. I thank Thee, for Thou hast granted me to overcome the inner anger towards the reader of my prayer and the grief towards one woman who unkindly brought a baby to the communion of the Holy Blood. I thank You, for through You I defeat all the machinations of the enemy. I praise Your goodness and power! Do not be upset with your neighbors when they are dissatisfied with you in some way and reprimand you with displeasure, for if you reprove them, then they can reprove you, perhaps justly; Moreover, you, as a person with weaknesses, may indeed have done something unfairly and it is only out of pride that you do not admit this to yourself; and when you are annoyed with those who accuse, then this is a clear sign of your hidden pride. You are partly to blame for Alexandra Konstantinovna’s illnesses and sorrows: because you did not take care of her as she should when she was a girl and lived with you, but gave reasons for her grief - and therefore especially sympathize with her illness. Dream. Director Janisch tempted everyone to throw water into the air with leaky dishes and pour in what was not needed (probably his gambling, of course, and life without Christian activity; we will see: God will show). Another commissar, a tall one, in Kurchanov’s house, also loves cards. I thank the Lord, who healed me from fire, thorns, cramped conditions and despair, anger towards sexton Kutuzov for his negligence in the (Easter) service: falling heartily to the shroud with faith and hope, I felt the reviving and pacifying power coming from the Lord. Glory to Your mercy, Lord! God! Do with our parishioners, as with the Jews in the desert of Canaan, so that with joy and zeal they give their property for the renovation and maintenance of the church; or as with the Egyptians, with joy, either willingly or unwillingly, they gave their wealth to Thy impoverished church. Bind the stubborn ones of them - Stepanov and others - with the word of Your command, so that they do not treacherously over the cathedral church in this city and do not care about their own house church in the Duma, to the detriment of the cathedral; Let them not blaspheme Your shepherds. Remember that the flesh is a rebellious slave, and do not remove the reins of abstinence and fasting from it. Amen. April 15, 1870 Glory to You, Lord, enlighten my soul and my face with prayer, as it is written: Come to Him and be enlightened, and your faces will not be ashamed [Ps. 33, 6]. The Lord allows sin to continually chill 38 (borrow) us in order for us to continually stay awake, fight against sin, and hate the all-destructive and charming sin, so that in due time we will receive the crown of victory. Do not be upset at those who offend you, but endure their insults complacently and meekly, with patience, for the Lord Himself is the avenger. I could not sleep at night, carried away by indignation at the merchant F. Stepanov, who condemned the spiritual fathers, and at M. Britnev. Pray for them: the Lord will give understanding. Meanwhile, you need to look within yourself for the reasons why they scold you - and for the truth. (The remarkable power of prayer: Britnev attended Matins for the first time.) Wednesday of Bright Week. I thank the Lord, who surprised me with His mercy and His help during the celebration of the Liturgy, when I was exhausted in spirit and body in anger and distress from the devil’s attack and cried out to Him for help: gloriously He strengthened me in the fight against the enemy and gave me the grace to unfalteringly, with strength and with tenderness, perform the entire Liturgy, and the entire reigning house to speak loudly, and receive communion without condemnation, and read the prayer behind the pulpit with firmness, and bring the children into communion with boldness. (Father Matthew stood at mass in the main church in the altar.) Matins. During Matins, the spirit of malice deceived me and overpowered me with anger against the serving deacon Peter Al. Sofronov for supposedly neglecting his priestly hand, that is, mine, and for not kissing it when serving the censer (is it really necessary to kiss it every time?). My God! Because of what trifles I sometimes enmity against my brother, against the one throne of the kindly Lord God who stands before me, against my member, against my half-blood - for we all came from the same blood and we are all drunk with the same Blood of Christ, we all participate in the gifts of the same Holy Spirit. And what will my anger do - will it not make my brother angry against me when he sees that I am hostile to him - and, therefore, will not worse evil come out? Oh, what a blessing it is to cover all the shortcomings and shortcomings or errors of a brother with love and to invariably love him for the sake of the image of God hidden in him, for the sake of Christ, of whom he is a member, for the sake of his adoption to God. Love is patient, merciful... does not boast, is not proud... does not think evil... covers all things... Love never fails [1 Cor. 13, 4, 5, 7, 8]. How much of a sinner I am, self-loving, pious (sometimes not at all pious), corrupted by sin! What should Christian love for one's neighbor consist of? In loving your enemies, not repaying evil for evil, annoyance for annoyance, not having a suspicious disposition, covering up and seemingly not noticing other errors that are harmless to him and to you; if he is embittered against you, be gentle and meek towards him; if he does dirty tricks, don’t respond in kind, but do him good; in a word, do the opposite of what the devil suggests and incites. We know that many die prematurely from gluttony and satiety and drunkenness; We know from experience the bitter consequences of these sins, but we still keep up with them, we are still carried away by greed. What nonsense? (Swelling and pain in the gums from excess in food and drink and from bad weather: it rains heavily.) The Lord visits us with punishments, so that we may know the bitterness of sin and may we diligently avoid it, living in a holy place befitting a Christian; and we must kiss God’s fatherly hand, which punishes us, and not blaspheme or murmur against the Lord; betrays us to our malice, so that we may recognize its bitterness and may we avoid it diligently, enduring better all sorts of insults, mistakes or misfortunes than deigning to the enemy in his malice. How fast sin is, like lightning, suddenly striking the soul and penetrating it with unclean, scorching fire! This means that our soul and the spirit of malice are simple! The monastic path is the path of exclusively pleasing God and saving the soul. Blessed is the path for those who walk straight on it. The servant of God Andrei (Gerasimov), after I read with faith prayers incantations over the evil spirit, by the grace of God I got rid of drunkenness. I saw him myself, he said it himself, and his mother said the same thing. Glory to Thee, Lord, glory to Thee! I thank You for not disgracing my misery. April 17, 1870. This was, it seems, before Lent. Birthday of the Emperor. Cathedral liturgy. I thank the Lord, who has given me the grace to celebrate the Divine Liturgy with sufficient calm; I only had to endure a strong slander from the spirit of malice (after I Believe), when Father Matthew, a fellow minister, began to read aloud prayers read in secret, and I slyly thought that he was being a hypocrite, and I despised him. Damn me! I myself have many sins - and I don’t want to see them, but in my brother I want to see traces of sin in all my words and actions! How long will anger and hatred not die within me? How long do I not live in simplicity of heart? The enemy almost devoured me! I could hardly break my heart with repentance! I almost accepted the Holy Mysteries for trial and condemnation! Oh, how subtle the villain is! How we must beware of moments of temptation! Sometimes a great fall depends on a moment! I read the entire prayer behind the pulpit loudly, although not without the embarrassment of the enemy. But it’s remarkable that when there are a lot of thick epaulettes in the church, then it is especially hard for me from the spirits of evil. Tested many times. But without them it is often difficult too. After mass, especially after performing a prayer service on the barge at Brandt’s and after having a snack at Salamanov’s, I felt very at ease. I thank the Lord for healing my soul, although very difficult and painful. I thank the Lord, who does not allow me to die a sinful death, but with strong punishments and, as if by cauterization, cuts off my deadness, plucking out and burning the thorns of my passions. This day I was attacked by anger at the reader Vasily Kutuzov for his mistakes in singing the Easter Canon and for his negligence, as I thought. Well, the enemy gave me his bath at the end of Matins! I didn’t know what to do with my inner hell: the enemy was strangling me with malice, and that’s all. Oh, wordless malice! Well, is it possible to correct a sinner through malice? Wouldn't there be more anger and malfunction? For anger confuses each other and darkens the meaning of both the hater and very often the hated! And what is the greatest sin before God, the Lover of Mankind, if not anger towards one’s brother? This means that he who hates his brother sins more than him, even though he is faulty! As soon as I begged the Lord with a long and frequent prayer to leave me with anger, it dug into me, and that’s all, it went right through to my bones and marrow, it penetrated all of me! Oh, how bitter she is! He who does not love his brother truly remains in death. Anyone who hates his brother is truly a murderer [1 Jn. 3, 14–15]. (When I began to cut the artos, the anger went away.) During mass, the enemy bothered me greatly. From being full the day before and from drinking stomach-strengthening wine (port and rum), I felt sick. Saturation, truly, is the strength of the enemy; fasting is his powerlessness. I thank, exalt and glorify my Lord, for He strengthened my weakness to serve on the Holy Week of Easter before His holy, life-giving and terrible throne and to perform all the necessary services in the church and outside the church without stumbling, although with great struggle with opposing and evil spirits; I thank you, because you have cleansed my sins little by little and made me peaceful, taking away the confusion of sin; I thank you for transforming me from weakness into health. April 18, 1870 I thank my Lord for the gift of tender, tearful prayer before the throne for the people of God and for my sins and for the gift of heavenly peace, with which the Most Merciful Lord, the King of Peace, has graciously rewarded me. How good the Lord is! (Vespers for the Sunday of Antipascha). For the future, introduce the teaching of the people on the main truths of the faith before confession during the week of fasting in Lent. This is necessary due to the extreme ignorance of the people. On Sundays too. Gluttony and satiety tends to force you to sleep and to the ground in the evening, robbing you of consciousness, feeling, and strength. Be careful that your womb does not bend you completely to the ground and deprive you of the sky; take heed lest you be like a bird with its wings cut off. Terrible! And this happens to many. The womb has deprived many of the sky, chaining them to the earth. I thank You, most merciful Lord, for You heard me crying to You, when enmity was kindled in my heart against the merchant M. Britnev for his barking at Your word spoken before the Shroud. I called out to You during the proskomedia, I prayed after it, for the enemy had been setting fire to me for a long time and oppressing me, and You extinguished the fierce fire and brought me out of cramped conditions and fire into coolness and freedom, reconciling me with the said merchant. He performed Mass quite calmly, only feeling some soreness and weakness, as if from a cold; he pronounced the names of the reigning house firmly; took communion with boldness. I thank You, Lord, for You soon saved me from fornication when I heartily cried out to You (at four o’clock in the evening). Maiden Al. Ivanovna came for advice about marriage. God! Give me the grace not to love earthly life, or not to have any attachment to its blessings, for earthly love is the enemy of heavenly love, for which Christian man was created and born 40 by water and the Spirit. So, let me not love sweets, money, bright clothes, distinctions, decorated chambers, or anything else that constitutes the subject of worldly passions - let me trample everything under foot, but with the will of my heart, and let me cleave entirely to my Infinite Life, the Lord Jesus Christ, and to the Kingdom above, may I constantly adhere 41 to the love of God and sincerely. April 19, 1870. Resurrection of Fomino. I sinned against the Lord by being afraid of the face of man during the prayer service, when I was clothed in priestly vestments, portraying myself as You, Lord, the only Intercessor of God and men. Yes, a priest is a great, venerable person, and especially when he is dressed in priestly robes and serves the Lord: he is then above everyone, and the king himself; and must be above all in the thoughts of his heart, must be exalted, courageous and not succumb to human or demonic fear, but must be completely enveloped in the fear of God, and for this he must not be enslaved to the belly, silver, earthly honor, must not have partiality, for the enemy overthrows with his vain fear a priest devoted to earthly things, and the grief of the beholder cannot be stifled by anything like standing above his machinations. (Served a prayer service in the shop of merchant Philip Stepanov on the stock exchange on April 19, 1870 before mass.) Arriving at the regimental church of the Omsk Regiment, built temporarily in the house of the merchant Golovarev - and I went at the invitation of the regimental priest Nadporozhsky (Porf. Vas.) - and seeing in it the expensive icons donated by our merchants, I was struck in my heart by envy, and there was barely any embarrassment of envy and sorrow for the prosperity that, as it seemed to me, was based on the ruins of our well-being cathedral church, was not expressed on my face; but I soon stopped the feeling of envy with inner prayer and that heartfelt conviction that we are all members of each other, that everything and in all is one and the same Christ [Russian: all and in all Christ] [Col. 3, 11], which means that the well-being of every church is the well-being of the members of Christ and, at the same time, my own. By nourishing such thoughts in my soul, I drove envy out of my heart and restored peace in my soul, which was beginning to waver. How you need to be attentive to yourself everywhere, at every moment! How cunning, vigilant, persistent sin is! How corrupt my heart is and prone to every sin! How the old man still rages within me with his pride, voluptuousness, malice, pride, envy, greed, gluttony, gluttony, drunkenness, love of money, covetousness and other countless passions and tries to justify himself in his very sins! How inclined I am still to harbor enmity towards my brother because of an extra sweet piece! A priest who conducts or wishes to conduct spiritual life should not eat meat food or fatty and tasty foods in general, for the flesh, nourished extensively, is more infuriated by passions - severity, malice, envy, greed, and others. It is constantly necessary to mortify and enslave it through fasting, vigil and prayer. There is nothing more precious for a person with a pure heart, a believer’s heart, a sincere lover of God and one who is in His image, a meek heart, kindly, patient, humble-wise, benevolent, and sympathetic. And this treasure is acquired through the labor of unceasing vigil, prayer, contemplation of God, and reading the word of God. Always despise the belly and all sweets with it, no matter how sweet and valuable they may be; consider them no better than rubbish. This is the wisdom of a Christian! Through abstinence and unceasing prayer, gain subtlety of heart! Why are you worried, why are you hostile to your neighbor, why do you look sternly, man? Because your family members ate your extra sweets? What then? We must thank God for these, who delights our sorrowful life, and wholeheartedly love Him, our Lord, infinite Sweetness, and strive above all in loving our neighbor, and not be hostile to him for these sweets, which in no case can be your property - for did you not receive everything from the Lord for nothing? Rejoice that your brother, and not you—a damned sinner, unworthy of a single sweet—uses your sweets. For the benefit for you is not to indulge in sweets, but to move away from them completely and delight your neighbors with them, since with your voluptuous life you have long angered the Lord immeasurably and are still angering the Lord, falling away from the love of God and your neighbor. Isn't every man his own measure? Leave everyone to themselves, and you cherish love and peace of mind. The Lord will return you a hundred times the tuna for what your brother uses (and returns). Just succeed in love, affection and friendliness. Be rich in heart. Your angelic service, O priest, live like an angel, directing your mind to heights, despising it for a long time, constantly being enlightened, constantly burning with love for the Creator and for humanity saved by Him. God! By the grace of Your Holy Spirit, remove from my heart the sting of earthly love, so hostile to God and neighbor, and sting me with the sting of Your Divine love! Hey, amen. Morning. After Matins. I thank You, Lord Jesus Christ, my God, who revived my inner life with sincere prayer, which You gave me with Your ineffable mercy; I thank Thee, for Thou hast taken away the impurities of sin from my heart and healed my illnesses. Hey, amen. At one o'clock in the afternoon I offered unction to the old woman in Pesochnaya Street. While reading one Gospel, specifically about ten virgins, the enemy stopped me by looking at a photographic card of a husband and wife: according to the action of the enemy, the wife seemed ugly to me, and I inwardly despised her, and for a moment became one with the devil, and lost peace and freedom of spirit and speech, but immediately recognized my error, repented and received peace again. Then, in the house of Moses (Timothy Alex.), while serving a prayer service, he was ashamed of the learned navigator (as it seemed to me) while reading the water-blessing prayer, fell in spirit, fearing I don’t know what (oh, how wordless 42 - to be ashamed before the people of this world, before the learned and powerful or rich of this century, to be ashamed of one’s faith and its rituals), and could not, for fear, utter certain words (not bringing us frightening and so on). The enemy so stunned, embarrassed, wounded, paralyzed, and killed me spiritually that throughout the entire dinner I had no peace, freedom, or boldness of spirit, and was like a dumb person, all afraid and ashamed of something. But I know that if I had boldly performed my prayer, then I would have defeated the enemy, and not he me, and I would have been bold, eloquent and free-spirited. I have sinned before God! Here's a lesson for all such cases. Not to be afraid and not to be ashamed of any of the learned, powerful and rich of the world when performing prayers, worship, the Sacraments and rites of faith (the priest, representing himself as a Priest according to the order of Melchizedek - Jesus Christ, the Son of God, the King of glory, must have a royal, majestic, firm spirit, and should not look at faces, and not give cause for pride to the mighty of the world with his timidity). The evil spirit attacked through me - through the passion of voluptuousness and greed - my father, Archpriest Konstantin, when he was alive, and drove him from the face of the earth, and now, through the same passion, he attacks my elder brother Alexei. Yes, I will be careful in time. (All because of sugar sweetness.) Away with carnal sweets! I thank You, Lord Jesus Christ, my God, for through the communion of Your life-giving Mysteries I feel completely healthy in spirit and body today, despite the most difficult rainy weather. Ten o'clock in the evening. God! Forgive me my sin - that, being gifted by You with everything necessary, I often envy my brethren, my fellow archpriests, who accumulate money by all means and do not give alms, and I become embittered at them internally! God! grant me to have pity on them, to pray for them and to be satisfied with my lot, for a person’s life does not depend on the abundance of his possessions [Lk. 12, 15]. Avoid catching the flatterer at every moment and never consider yourself safe from his wiles as long as you live. Establish your heart in God, and not in matter: the devil ensnares us in every possible way through an addiction to matter. And a Christian must be spiritual and heavenly, like Christ. I thank You, most merciful and omnipotent Lord, for You have granted me the grace and strength to serve You before Your terrible, all-holy, heavenly and life-giving throne, unfailingly and fruitfully for me and for Your people throughout Bright Week, and You have granted us all to rejoice daily about Your resurrection and our future resurrection. Grant, Lord, that in the coming summer we will worship Your resurrection with souls and bodies, free from slavery to sins and various passions, resurrected spiritually to a new, grace-filled life. April 22, 1870 Wednesday. Heartfelt prayer enlightens not only the soul, but also the body: the face of the person praying shines with heavenly light, meekness, pleasantness, and holiness. What deadly poison of malice towards a brother the spirit of voluptuousness pours into the soul, because of my addiction to sugar sweetness! And why do I not despise that for which I so often violate the whole law of loving one’s neighbor? For the whole law is contained in one word: love your neighbor as yourself [Gal. 5, 14]. Why make your moderation in (other) pleasures a law for others, when I myself do not follow the law of abstinence and for non-compliance I become embittered and ready to take revenge! When will I learn to despise sweets for the sake of my brother, and not my brother because of the sweets? Today (April 22) I wordlessly rages several times: 1) at the beggars, when I was walking to class, saying to one beggar who persistently demanded more and more from me: “I’ll break you”; 2) against the sexton Kutuzov, when he lied mercilessly while reading the Apostle at a prayer service on a water journey, and 3) again against the beggars who stood outside the house in the evening and demanded more; 4) against brother Alexey because of sugar. There is a painful irritability in the body, predisposing to anger. I sinned before God. The sexton with his absurd reading outraged me to the core. My weakness. Why not be calm and not upset yourself? After all, to sin, sin, to absurdity, I added absurdity, having become irritated myself and unable to calmly serve - to speak and act. And I myself became just like an illiterate sexton, stuttering, not pronouncing words, missing words without meaning. How the enemy caught me! Constantly guards. God! How can I get rid of his snares, being a sin-loving person? Is it not our belly that rages when we are angry at those who read the word of God badly or those who sing discordantly? Is it not for the sake of the belly that we desire and seek fidelity in reading and harmonious singing, and not for the life of the Gospel? Hey, yes! If they wanted this for God, they would not be angry, because for God they would not dare to be angry, knowing that anger is more disgusting to God than any meaningless reading or absurd singing. Do not believe your rage even when you are angry because of the violation of God’s commandments by your neighbors, for this rage is also from the devil. I experienced severe irritability due to loss of nerves before heavy rain with dark rain clouds covering the entire sky. April 23. I allowed sour cream and quick butter on Wednesday because of my weakness. Whether it's better, I don't know. Only Provençal oil is of no use: my nerves fall. You don’t need to eat mealy or coarse foods. Directors Janish and Semyon Ivanovich Nemol. I saw in a dream: they came to me, they leafed through my memorial book for something. They want to visit me - right? Or [...] [take]. If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone [Matt. 18, 15]. Do not forget the Lord’s commandment, based on meekness and love, and the commandment of the Apostle: if a person falls into any sin, you who are spiritual correct him in the spirit of meekness, watching each one of you so as not to be tempted [Gal. 6, 1 ] (as it happened to me yesterday). What evil intentions does the enemy make against me during prayer! What transformations! God! [Protect]! (Prayer service with Pyotr Antipovich Ivanov.) I thank the Lord, who deigned me to perform the Liturgy without stumbling in the Duma Assumption Church on April 23 and to partake of the Holy Mysteries without condemnation, into the world of my spiritual strength. But soon I tragically lost this Divine grace of the world, becoming indignant with annoyance and embitterment at one widow who again came to ask me for a gift for her other daughter - at the wrong time, because I was in a hurry to get to class; tormenting, scorching, goring sin again began to oppress and torment me, and for a long time tormented me, its victim. Do not rush and do not be angry when the poor and poor come to you with requests for various benefits or intercession, but calmly and meekly enter into their needs and, if possible, satisfy them by returning home, if you are going somewhere on business, or on the way, fulfilling their requests, if you can fulfill them here. Believe me, you will have time to satisfy the beggars and complete the task set before you on time: she, she, we are in a hurry, often without knowing why, and meanwhile we are angry with those who stop us. This often happened to me, a fussy person. God! Give me the grace to look at everyone and everything simply, unglamorously, meekly, graciously. The commandment of God and the Church, freeing us on Sundays and holidays from the work of everyday life, at the same time most of all wants to distract us from working with passions and sin, inspiring us to work for the Lord. So, you have waited for Sunday or a holiday, spend this day in prayer, in pious conversation, in acts of mercy, in abstinence, refrain from drunkenness, from debauchery, from idle talk, foul language, ridicule and other things. This will be a true holiday to the Lord and a holiday to your soul. Be still and understand that I am God [Russian: Stop and realize that I am God]. Psalm 45, 11. (I thank the Lord for indicating this verse and for the confidence that I will soon find it.) Psalm 57, 4. The sinner has alienated herself from the womb, she has gone astray from the womb... [Russian: From birth the wicked have departed, from the womb they have gone astray...] In the church you are appropriated to God, and, moving away from the church, you are alienated from God. Once I was completely corrupted because of gluttony ([...] school, because of greed for it), - now is the time of abstinence and curbing of the flesh, when I came to a perfect mind and became, by the grace of God, a priest. Now I must reject the infant, so that otherwise I will not perish mentally and physically. While the Lord tolerates my sins, I must do the work, that is, the work of spiritual salvation. Where will there be after death and after the Last Judgment of Christ, Christians who do not care about the fulfillment of the law of Christ and died in this negligence? Is it not in a worse place than the pagans, Mohammedans and Jews? After all, Christians who live carelessly crucify the Son of God. It’s hard to live on the island of Kronstadt at a time when the Gulf of Finland is free of ice: it’s very hard from this cold, satiated moisture, from these gray, heavy, dark clouds, from fogs, rains: this atmosphere puts great pressure on the spirit and body, many die from it, like sheaves falling down. The trouble is for people who are sick and weakened. The ice broke completely in the Gulf of Finland on April 24, and the ships arrived from across the sea on the morning of April 25. How purely should I look at human flesh, which the Son of God deigned to take upon Himself, in what purity and moderation should I maintain it, how diligently should I crucify all its passions and have it only as an instrument of virtue and not of vice? God! Create in me a pure heart... and renew a right spirit in my womb [Ps. 50, 12]: Yes, and my body will be clean, so that it will not be an instrument of sin (an instrument). (April 25). I thank my Lord my God with all my heart, who delivered me from the evil of the devil and gave me the grace to perform the Sacrament of Marriage over two couples (April 24) without stumbling (second marriage). For a long time I fell to the throne of grace in prayer, and the Lord heard me, and sent down His peace and strength to me, girding me with strength for battle, and my arm made the bow of the coppers [Russian: my arms crush the copper bow] [Ps. 17, 35]. I thank the Lord, who saved me even this day from cramped conditions and the sorrow of anger at the poor, who have repeatedly given me cold; I thank you for having exchanged malice for kindness, pride for meekness, sorrow for joy, cramped space for space. I thank the Lord, who punishes and has mercy on me, a many-sinner and many-passionate one. Let me look at the meekness of the poor and learn from them meekness and gentleness. The Lord is the all-sufficient Good for man, able to replace with Himself all earthly and heavenly blessings. What do we have in heaven? and from You what did I desire on earth; My heart and my flesh, O God of my heart, and my part, O God, are gone forever [Russian: Who is in heaven for me? and with You I want nothing on earth. My flesh and my heart faint: God is the rock of my heart and my portion forever] [Ps. 72, 25–26]. I thank the Lord, who several times surprised me with His great mercy in the church during the all-night vigil on April 25 on the Sunday of the Myrrh-Bearing Women - in delivering me from the devil’s fierce malice and in giving me peace, freedom and grace-filled dew. Before Gehenna, I fall into Gehenna through my passions and thank the Lord, who shows me in practice, albeit in part, the horror and bitterness of the future Gehenna, so that I do not fall into it in fact and forever, and so that I flee the passions that prepare eternal fire for those who work for them. Can anger at a sinner correct him, or anger towards an enemy can correct an enemy and stop evil; will not greater evil, on the contrary, produce evil? Why are we angry? Oh, recklessness! Oh, evil! O Divine meekness, gentleness, how wise you are! Whoever is angry does not have love for God and neighbor, for love does not tolerate anger. All the healings from the terrible wounds of sin, which you receive daily and repeatedly, you receive for the wounds of the Savior, which He suffered for the world and for you. Oh, how grateful we must be to the Lord for His suffering for us, with what love we must kiss the cross of Christ, the wounds of His hands and feet and His most pure ribs! On Saturday, April 25, I ate too much at lunch, and in the evening I drank a lot of tea - and the next day, while serving early mass, I felt internally powerless and extremely weak due to yesterday's excess; the heart was depressed; however, by the inexpressible mercy of God, he served mass almost without stumbling, although in weakness; The prayer service for the Blessing of Water to the Iveron Mother of God also, only when reading the Gospel to the Mother of God and the Blessing of Water, out of fear of demons and doubt, I missed a few words. Aching in the legs (this is also due to excess, especially due to eating porridge). (On February 10, 1871, also because of porridges - buckwheat and rice - I was in pure trouble.) After the Lord and my parents, I owe everything to the Holy Synod of the Orthodox Russian Church, which raised me, encouraged me and still encourages me with its attention; then I owe it to my wife’s parents, to my wife herself, because of whom I received a real priestly position, I owe it to my good parishioners, my good superiors. For all thanks and glory to the Lord our God! During the prayer service with Timothy Alex. I was ashamed of Moses for something, as it seemed to me, a learned officer, of whom I thought that he was a teacher at the Navigation School, and I gravely sinned, humiliating the work of church prayer, the work of God, before the vain and arrogant learning of the world. From now on, especially boldly raise your voice before the learned, rich and powerful of the world. While reading the prayer before the image of the Mother of God of Iveron, I could not utter some words because of the devilish doubt in my heart. O priest and every Orthodox Christian! Learn from the bottom of your heart to sincerely say every prayer, small or large, often or rarely read, and do not give room for coldness or double-mindedness for a moment, so that the enemy does not depose you in front of a large company and disgrace you, making you voiceless. Always be truthful in your heart, and not a hypocrite: hypocrisy is an abomination to the Lord, a leaven of the devil. And for a person to always be sincere, unhypocritical, and humble - this requires frequent temptations and sorrows, leading him to true self-knowledge, to the knowledge of the extreme depravity of his heart, extreme weakness, helplessness outside of God, destroying pride, malice and deceit of the heart. Therefore, true Christians live in constant sorrows, and they are the great blessing of the Heavenly Father, protecting them from the corruption of sin and serving for them as constant cleansing and breakdown. Do not be indignant and do not be embittered against the poor because they chase you, hoping for alms from you; they drive you to heaven - just give it willingly. Believe me, these are good persecutors. Meanwhile, we are as hard-hearted as flint, and we must be forced 44 to give alms: whatever the beggars force from us, so will they, and without force they will go hungry and cold. It is remarkable that the Kingdom of Heaven is taken by force, and those who use force take it away [Matt. 11, 12]. In every possible way, eradicate from your heart evil suspiciousness about people, forcing you to assume in people various bad intentions and the beginnings of their actions, but try to always think well of people, have a bright, not gloomy look at them, for otherwise there will be hell in our souls and in the world around us. The devil is the culprit of the evil suspiciousness that plagues others. Behold, what is good, or what is good, but let the brethren live together [Russian: How good and how pleasant it is for brothers to live together!] [Ps. 132, 1]. I thank You, Most-merciful Lord, for this day has twice mercifully delivered me from anger towards the poor and gloating when reading the “St. Petersburg Gazette” about the murder of an Austrian agent; the first time at noon, when I was walking to class, and the beggars who had received alms from me were still chasing me; the second time - in the evening, after finishing the exam at the girls' gymnasium and upon arriving home; For a long time I internally cried out to You on the first occasion, walking along the road, in the gymnasium and upon leaving it in the fresh air to the classroom - and I received great mercy after a long prayer; in the second case, only I cried out to You - and was immediately pardoned, feeling the life-giving grace within me. Glory to Your mercy, Your prompt obedience, Your closeness to those who cry out to You with all their hearts in truth. Keep me, Lord, from all sin. Put aside jealousy about human unrighteousness when you are jealous only about yourself, for this is hidden pride and envy. Believe me, if you were in the place of the person whose lies you complain about, you would do the same yourself. Be patient with love, force yourself to be kind even to your enemies. We are all here for a short time, and we will all appear before the righteous Judgment Court of Christ. Do not be jealous of evildoers, do not envy those who do iniquity, for they, like grass, will soon be cut down and, like green grass, they will wither. Trust in the Lord and do good; live on earth and keep the truth [Ps. 36, 1–3]. Why is the enjoyment of earthly blessings often accompanied by heaviness and wounding of our souls and bodies; Why are beautiful roses surrounded by thorns? Because pleasure is either immoderate or illegal; because earthly pleasures are coarse and by their very coarseness they burden and wound the soul - a spiritual, subtle being; finally, so that we always remember the spiritual, divine, heavenly pleasures so characteristic of the soul, and strive for them with all our being. The endless sweetness of those who behold Your face, the indescribable kindness. When, after composing the sermon, I got into a droshky with my wife to go visit the director of the gymnasium, the anger of hostility towards her over some trifles began to choke me, involuntary, swift, like a river carried away by a fast stream; and I, raped by anger, prayed intensely and incessantly internally for deliverance from anger the entire time we were driving, and even when we had already entered the director’s apartment, sat down and talked with the owners, I did not stop raising my eyes to the Savior God between conversations. There are many fleas of pride in me, little or no sincere love for my neighbor. I'm damned! I thank You, Lord, for You saved me from this malice and sent down heavenly grace on me, driving out anger and confusion and bestowing love and peace, so that I sincerely and sweetly talked with the director for three and a half hours. You are my Savior, You are my life, You are my peace, You are my strength and strength. I thank the Lord who has given me the grace and strength to perform the Sacrament of Marriage at six o’clock in the evening. I read the prayers without fail before turning to the bride and groom for a blessing, that is, before the words: have fun... May the Trinity bless you; at the end of this prayer I stumbled and could not finish because of my anger at the bride’s best man, who got his hand entangled in the crown ring after the crowns were removed. And how cruelly the anger of the enemy stung me! I lost peace, freedom, spaciousness of spirit; The fire of hell began to burn and oppress me. With a great heartfelt cry, at the end of the marriage, I fell to the throne, praying to the Lord for mercy and healing, and - glory to You, Lord - I soon received mercy and healing of the heart ulcer, and went home in peace. On the same day, he committed a sin by eating greedily in the evening, after whetting his appetite with wines sampled in Sidorov’s store, used for the Sacrament - fish fried in quick oil, while it was Wednesday. I, senseless, did not think about what would come out of this greed and this violation of fasting: what came out was heaviness, a strong sexual urge, barely quenched, and restless sleep with body itching. Every person who is greedy for food or greedy for drinks must think before eating and drinking what will come out of his greed and greed, what evil, what harm to soul and body - and then greed will disappear. Oh, if before committing any sin we had thought about what would happen after sin, what harmful consequences for the soul and often for the body, then we would not have committed sin! Fish and wine greatly stimulate the body and soul and strengthen the stomach. April 30 [ 18 ]70 Thursday. Before and during the celebration of the Sacrament of Marriage, which is the sacrament of love and the image of the highest love of Christ and the Church, the priest performing this Sacrament must have in his heart holy love for the Lord, who brought us into being from the union of love, and for his priestly brethren and clergy with whom he is marrying, as well as with others, and for the bride and groom whom he wants to marry. This I command you, that you love one another [Jn. 15, 17]. I sinned by becoming embittered with Deacon Peter, who was idly wandering along the street after Matins: here, I thought, there is nothing to do, except for rare services, so he wanders around without anything to do; He condemned his brother in his soul, hated him, and wounded himself with anger like an arrow; He condemned his brother for a small sin, but did not forsake his great sins. I'm damned! I'm passionate! Envious, angry, proud! And malice and envy are rampant in me especially because of lust and satiety and after satiety! Yesterday I broke my fast because of voluptuousness and greed: I ate fish fried in quick oil, and so my flesh went berserk: one sin entails ten others. Humble your flesh by fasting, vigil, prayer, reading the word of God with meditation. How easily a sensualist and glutton falls into temptation and conveniently falls into any passion: fornication, malice, envy, love of money, etc.! A glutton is a city that is not protected by anything, which is now convenient for enemies passing by to take and plunder it. The children of Christians are children of God, guarded by Angels, who constantly see the face of the Heavenly Father [Matt. 18, 10 ]; We must treat all Christian children with love and respect, as children of God, and learn from them simplicity, kindness, and non-covetousness. Today my flesh is (still) raging with the malice of the devil: the devil accidentally attacked through me internally (not externally) the deacon Father Peter Sofronov and his family and is pursuing them internally; but let it not be, Lord, for this is the will and malice of the enemy. May I sincerely wish Father Deacon all the best; I will pray for him sincerely, as for myself. Let me not dwell cunningly on his weaknesses and errors, shortcomings, omissions, of which I have more; Let me look at my weaknesses, shortcomings, omissions and let me mourn them. Everyone will bear his own burden. God! give me the grace to love this deacon and his wife and their children as my own children, as myself, as my soul, as Thy members, and to wish them as much good as myself; to love the other brethren as ourselves, and all parishioners and non-parishioners, and all people. Let me be embittered at myself, at my passions, at my wickedness, at my pride, at my malice and envy, at my pride and vanity, at the sin that lives in me and in people - but never at people created in Your image, for this is the work of demons, that is, to hate man, to despise what is created in the image of God. I thank You, Lord, for You bowed down to the strong cry of my heart in [Pashinnikov’s] apartment and You delivered me from the violence of the enemy, and You granted me peace with space in my heart. April 30. Thursday. I thank You, for even at home at evening prayer you mercifully delivered me from the violence of bad thoughts when I prayed about this sincerely. The thermometer of the heart sometimes rises, sometimes falls, and fluctuates incessantly: sometimes we passionately love God and our neighbor, sometimes we grow cold, or even hate our neighbor; sometimes we bless, sometimes we grumble and blaspheme. During the service, the altar appears as a solitary desert, in which the priest, without being distracted by surrounding people and objects, can pray to God with all his heart (an image of the desert into which the Lord retired to pray). Orlya (Church Glav.) – eagle. Wed: your youth will be renewed like an eagle (Ps. 103:5). Wed: one intercessor for God and men (Russian: one and mediator between God and men) (1 Tim. 2:5). Ever-present (church-glorified) – always existing. Wed: uty, thickened, expanded (Russian: fattened, thickened and fattened) (Deut. 32:15). Scylla and Charybdis are two monsters in ancient Greek mythology that lived on the coastal rocks on both sides of the Strait of Messina and killed sailors. Cold (Church Glav.) - to annoy, disturb, disturb, confuse. Zrak r'abii (Church Slavic) – the image of a slave; cf.: He humbled himself, taking on the form of a servant (Russian: he humbled himself, taking on the form of a servant) (Phil. 2:7). Board making - making bricks; see note 11. Improve (Church Glav.) – inherit, receive, accept, achieve. Gregory (Postnikov; 1784–1860), since 1856 Metropolitan of St. Petersburg. He took part in the opening of the relics of St. Mitrophan of Voronezh, was distinguished by his tirelessness in preaching, and was zealous about the conversion of schismatics; founded the magazines “Christian Reading”, “Orthodox Interlocutor”, “Spiritual Conversation”; wrote a book as an admonition to schismatics: “The truly ancient and truly Orthodox Church of Christ.” By and by (church glory) – quite a lot. Rebirth (Church Slavic) – rebirth, rebirth, rebirth; sometimes means baptism. To be diligent (Church Glav.) – to care, to take care of someone or something; work hard. Wordless - devoid of reason, senseless, stupid. All-sufficient (church-glory) – all-sufficient, completely sufficient. Nuditi (Church Glav.) – to force. You might be interested in: